Extra special thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories of autistic burnout & masking. I could only include so many, but the rest informed the script - I couldn't have done it without you.
Are there any other types of neuro divergence that result in masking? I don’t think I’m autistic but I was diagnosed as dyslexic. I have to work my mind extra hard to cope and adapt and when I’m tired it all falls apart. Add in depression and my ability to compensate drops off a cliff.
What got the ball rolling for me to ultimately gain an autism diagnosis at 41 was a tiny moment at my general practitioner when she asked me: "When was the last time you didn't feel stressed?" and I was as shocked as she was when I replied "I don't remember ever not being stressed".
I use "situational mutism" because I definitely don't choose to experience it. It also reflects that my experience generally lets me think all the words but I can't get them out of my mouth.
I notice in autism circles, the term “selective mutism” is used for mutism during burnout or overstimulation, which I believe is a mistake. SM is clinically defined differently, categorized as an anxiety disorder where the mutism appears predictably in certain settings and is definitionally caused by fear. Unlike autism, children frequently grow out of selective mutism. I think you’re right to use a different term.
We use our words to describe our lived experiences. This is no mistake. Scientists can make up whatever crap they want but they should listen to us. ❤ @@chris_troiano
"Gender, race, sexuality, even just general appearance, all of that can play a role in determining if you are seen as a bit quirky or a danger." YUP. This is part of the reason I actually LIKE the term 'masking', as it it kind of links my autism and my being black. The two types of masking are NOT the same, but the mask slipping can have similar results in the outside world.
I just recently faked my way through a job interview, and the second follow up interview, so well that I was readily hired at a restaurant for “the easiest job they had” as a host at the front door...even though I applied to be a table busser. My first day of training was so overwhelming I had to quit the next morning and at 30 years old in the “easiest” position in the restaurant, that was terribly humiliating...and involved far too many tears on my part afterward.
I had a fairly similar experience with being a dishwasher. The amount that was going on that I had to keep track of in the kitchen was way too overwhelming.
I hope your healing is going well. I just want to let you know you are not alone, and also say thank you for sharing because now I know I am not alone. I had a bad experience, after being a gifted kid and getting a degree in engineering, of not even being able to hang onto the so-called "easy" jobs. Looking back, I realize that I probably would have done well in an engineering job, a so-called "hard" job. It caused me stress for years to be living under the belief that adulthood was awful and I was awful. But it does get better
i'd love it if i could say it. and holy what? you just reminded me of Alex Mack! also, wondered why i got an uptick in subs there - thanks for sharing :) Hope everything is going well with you!! x
Years and years before getting my asd diagnosis, i related a lot to "Zelig" by Woody Allen. Watch it if you want a comedic take on what high masking is ;)
The "change the country" part hit me hard too ... whenever anyone asks me "So why did you choose to come to Japan?" and they are expecting an inspiring answer ... I disappoint them by: "hiding .. running away from social rules ... "
@@melelconquistador but they won't expect a foreigner to know them all and also they are explicit with them. In the west people just expect you know how to carry yourself around others.
I just want to add that burnout can be "big" and it can also be "small". This video does a great job covering the "big" burnout of prolonged masking over a period of several months, but sometimes you can reach the burnout point before lunchtime, just by going to a particularly busy grocery store. In a tourist-heavy town. In the middle of the summer. Like I did, just yesterday. In cases like that, you're not going to be torn down on the timescale of months to years, but you're still going to need a lot of time for recovery until you can function again-- sometimes a couple hours (if you're lucky), sometimes a couple of days (if you're not quite so lucky). ... And no, NT people, I cannot tell you how much time I need. I don't even know, myself, how long this is going to take. SORRY MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK ON YOUR SCHEDULE.
And that "stop asking how much time do you need" thing goes for allistic folks with ADHD too. We cannot guarantee matching those schedules either. I've had to rebuff similar questioning several times from my dad, who has ADHD and OCD but isn't autistic.
I wish I could internalize that attitude. How many times I've felt so sorry and awkward for giving flaky commitments, answering something like "I'd love to, really, but I can't be 100% sure I'll be able to because I know I'm gonna be exhausted by that day and I can't can't be sure how much time I need to recharge. Which brings me to another question... How does one explain to health care workers that the amount of time you need to recharge is abnormal? How does one even know it's abnormal? Our healthcare is concentrated on radical self acceptance, which is great of course. But it's hard to get anyone to believe my situation would benefit from a diagnosis when everyone refuses to even think about autism and just keep saying "It's ok to be introverted, it's normal to need to recharge, just rest when you need to and you'll be ok".
“My brain just went ‘pop’… I could no longer mask at all, none of my mechanisms worked” that literally describes why I left my church and Christianity.
I have been very deliberately trying to look "not autistic" since I was about 8. I learned what the traits of autism were, recognised them in myself and was so deeply ashamed and fearful of being "bad" that I forced myself to look as "not autistic" as possible. That involved saying the right things at the right time, forcing myself to remain attentive to my surroundings rather than my internal world so as not to miss important cues, deliberately suppressing stims, suppressing any form of emotional response that others would perceive as dramatic or exaggerated, forcing myself into deeply uncomfortable sensory experiences so I wouldn't look "weird" by sitting out, no longer expressing my anxiety or frustrations over changes in schedule, holding back the desire to be pedantic, code-switching from my more natural literal and precise language to accommodate others' more hyperbolic and distorted language, avoiding monologues and infodumps as much as I could, practicing certain facial expressions mostly likely with the aid of cartoons on TV, and most of all pretending I was okay and knew what was going on in social situations where I was actually deeply confused. I had a lot of questions for Mum about "why when I do this do people respond like this? It makes no sense!" She would answer as best she could but I often found her explanations unsatisfactory. I kept this up with the internal justification of "I can't be autistic, because an autistic person would be too oblivious to know they're autistic. They act 'wrong' and they're the only ones who don't realise. I'm better than that, I won't let myself look like that, no one will know." Internalised abelism yay!
The "training facial expressions" is so relatable to me, your whole story is. I felt ashamed and broken because I wasn't like the others (I never was diagnosed until 30 years old). My parents wanted the best for me so they insisted on taking me to team sports and gatherings not knowing that those generated only bad experiences and reinforced my feeling of hopeless dread. When I was 15 this one girl gave me a hug out of the blue. I never bothered masking with her because she was always nice. She wasn't expecting anything from me, she knew I was awkward, she didn't care. She considered me her friend, a friend that she wanted to express caring to... That day I somehow decided to communicate my inner world to people, and I already knew how, I just was not doing it because my inner world was somehow wrong. Forcing the right facial expressions for a situation felt wrong, but forcing the facial expressions that correlate to my emotional state? Just effective succinct communication, like a translation, so it felt actually a good thing and take me one step closer to stoping masking most of the time.
Never having to fake a smile again would be amazing, but alas .... I do like having to wear a face mask (despite the discomfort), since I can let my face be natural. It’s also easier for me this way to fake a smile by crinkling my eyes than by moving my mouth.
Omg yes, just crinkling my eyes instead of actually smiling while wearing a face mask is my favorite strategy. I work retail and still wear a face mask all day, partially because I like that it makes me less likely to get sick, but also because it's SO much easier to pretend to emote normally, and I can do stimmy things with my mouth without it being as obvious.
I only got diagnosed after a couple of years of ‘you just have anxiety & depression’ a few years into working life (age of 30). I now know I was completely burnt out by my masking. I now work in a better area where I don’t need to interact with people too much/ can escape to a quiet place often. *’When mere existing is exhausting’ - damn that hit home.
I'm going through a similar issue with burnout at work from masking and being in a social job. What work area did you move to (I ask to collect options)?
Your point about masking including suppressing JOY made me feel so seen. My live-in partner is disabled with chronic pain, and I often feel too excitable, too loud and fast and intense. I feel like I can’t be myself, express my feelings, or talk about my interests. Of course I understand WHY and can modulate my speech to share some small things, sometimes, but I am not a chill, calm person. I feel joy in a big, all-encompassing way.
When I went to college to become an art teacher we had to do a 1 on 1 with our mentors to discuss our strengths and our weaknesses. I talked about my autistic burnouts in the past and he seemed to be very understanding. Then when I stopped talking he just asked me “well, do you think you’re gonna get that again in the future?”, basically making me say that I wouldn’t. I was hospitalized a couple of weeks later
Really important stuff. I was a hiring manager in my company for a few years and while I've moved to another department and am no longer a manager, I will probably ended up back in management in the future again (I know, bad leftist...) and these are things that I'm glad I'm learning about. Office culture can be so focused on fitting in and following the unspoken rules and I think it's so damage to ND people who also deserve to feel supported and respected at work.
Thank you Phil - it is so important. There are autistic activists doing good work holding seminars & workshops for employers but there's always more people to reach. ✊
Don't beat yourself up. Speaking as a bottom-of-the-barrel Proletariat, we need more leftists to infiltrate the petty bourgeoisie! But in all seriousness, finding management who are decent and understanding people is the only thing that is keeping my autistic-ass employed
If I have to hear "just keep at it, it'll get easier" one more fking time... Oh really, my good person? Because strangely my experience tells quite a different story, and in fact with each passing moment tasks which I once found bothersome yet possible, are now daunting and frequently strike me numb (and sometimes dumb). Clearly my mistake. Wot ho! In all seriousness, thank god for the IAS in Wales and my very understanding parents. I have no doubt I'd be a statistic without their help and it's sobering to contemplate the simple and stark reality of that.
Thank you for this comment - way too often, well-meaning advice to "push through" can result in disaster. People need to learn to listen rather than assume & I hope my video helped with that at least a bit!
When I was a kid I thought I was a monster, literally inhuman. I masked through school and hit burnout junior year of highschool. I lost three years of my life just trying to get back on my feet and be a person again. By the time I went back to college, I knew I was autistic, and I wasn't gonna hide anymore. I was still depressed for a while due to my living situation but once that improved I finally experienced what it was like to be mentally healthy. It felt like having super powers; so much energy, a happiness I had thought was just a fairy tale, executive functioning! Now I work with autistic teens in a mental health facility, and I don't mask or camouflage at work much because it helps the kids to see someone like themselves living a good life. I do still pull the mask out sometimes when I have to (I've had many a delayed meltdown in my car because I couldn't deal with the sensory overload any sooner) but I can at least be myself most of the time. I'm lucky to have basically achieved the accommodating masking, making my environment safe for me to be autistic in.
"unexplainable heartbreak, such a deep & visceral pain." describes my experience better than i had ever been able to put it so far. thank you so much to everyone involved in this video
Yep, a lot of this hit home as an autistic person. I need a cooldown between doing things, and my parents hate my stimming. One of the many reasons I don't have a "normal" life of wife and kids and my own home is that I don't see a way to have a true break from it. It would be constant, and I can't handle that. At least living with my parents I can take breaks in the form of having weekend sleepovers once a month and do whatever I want with my friend.
The job interview and the obstacle course of dealing with other workers are the reasons I now work for myself as an autistic person. I am 51, I have two nerves left, and only my husband and daughter (who is on the severe end of the spectrum) are allowed to get on them lol. Thank you for this video. I don't feel as alone in my feelings now.
Masking is a form of 'duplicity'. In many cases you don't have a choice but that still doesn't mean that masking isn't 'pretending to be someone you're not to trick people into liking you'.
I have often thought that I give off the 'Uncanny Valley" vibe in a variety of social situations. I need to read about and explore this more. Thank you so much.
I think I first heard it applied to autistic masking by Yo Samdy Sam in her video "why autistic people seem weird". I believe so, anyway - don't quote me!
I think my tendency to mask, starting in my teenage years, was encouraged by Anthony Robbins, who I can't stand to listen to now, as I find his teachings superficial. I never realised I was masking and thought that that's what everyone did - that they faked it till they made it. I masked for years, until I discovered I was an aspie at the age of 40. I became really good at acing job interviews and got many jobs as a result, but "figuring it out later" never worked for me. I struggled to be myself at work. It was painful. I always believed that I would get it right at my next job which never happened. What I should have done is become an actor like Anthony Hopkins :) Jokes aside, I liked the term masking, and still do. I don't believe there's a need for any euphemisms. Understanding the idea of masking made me analyse and identify the habit of pretending to be someone I'm not. I believe that that is all that matters. Great video, thoroughly researched. Love that you've divided the video into chapters. I learned a lot from this video. Thank you.
Me also. Diagnosed a few months ago at age 41. Spent two decades as a high performing software engineer with frequent burnouts, getting worse and worse until I couldn’t work anymore. Took years and many psychs to finally find one who had a clue about what was going on. Quite frustrating to have wasted all those years and energy in the wrong way.
@@TheCuratorIsHere I know how you feel. It's absolutely devastating. I felt and sometimes still do feel the same way. Talking therapies can only do so much. I feel I have been traumatised. I have flashbacks of social situations from years back and cringe. I know it's irrational to do so, but I can't help it sometimes. But ever since I've discovered my neurodiversity, things have been getting better. I'm sure they will for you too. These days I'm learning about trauma and the various therapies for trauma. You've probably been out of touch with your feelings and emotions for a long time. If you haven't already done so, please read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk; and also learn about and practice Somatic Experiencing.
God, this is too real. I've started a new job recently at a campus bookstore and my manager, while well-meaning and caring for her workers, has a tough love approach that runs absolutely counter to how I function, and even when I did open up to her about autistic masking in the hopes that she would ease up on me, I'm certain she doesn't quite get the extent to which I have to do extra work just to give the impression of neurotypical competence, even while living at home. Which also struck me deeply just how trapped I feel in my own house among the rest of my family when I can never feel free to be myself around any of them.
Rewatching this video right now, and realising why I'm liking my new job as a mailman is the minimal masking required. During the morning setup as everyone is busy loading their own car, there's minimal amounts of small talk, then I get to be alone in the car for the day, and in the evening, everyones a bit tired so either they're in a bit of a silly mood, or just stay quiet. 95% of my customer interraction can be scripted and it's over in under 1 minute.
This was the best video on autistic burnout that I have seen - you covered everything, all the way down to the most tragic ending it can take. I've been in burnout for the last 3 years, and haven't been able to properly take a break - and it's also what made me realize I'm autistic with ADHD. Being able to explain burnout has been a lifeline in helping my family and friends understand the changes they've seen in my behavior. Thanks for adding valuable insight and understanding to the subject.
I've experienced the "big" autistic burnout once and ever since then I've been terrified of getting a job. School for me was kind of tough but thanks to (at least the majority of the time) kind teachers and students I've actually really enjoyed my time at schools and higher education. But I've always known that getting a job (a job that my mom and dad think of as a "real job") has always terrified me to the point of panic attacks. It's gotten so bad that whenever I have a meeting with some kind of authority figure these days it always ends up in tears from my part, because I get so stressed and can't keep my feelings in check despite trying so hard. I want a job. I want to make money, I'm tired of being poor. But at the same time I know intrinsically, if I get the wrong job for me I might get in such a dark place I'll do something incredibly drastic. And I don't want to go there ever. The worst thing is, my family wants to help me but at the same time they don't understand when I try to explain my feelings to them. My dad thank god, is at least trying to listen to me and my needs but I'm scared that it'll come to a point where he'll push me into a corner and say "You'll have to be satisfied with this."
This is almost verbatim, a talk a tried to have with my dad six months ago about my need to unmask at the age of forty in order to survive. He told me I was "giving myself an excuse to have meltdowns," called the cops and lied saying I was actively unalive-ial to try to get me hospitalized against my will, and kicked me out of the house. He's since tried to get back in my life but I've gone no-contact with him for my mental health.
11:47 me having moved from Quebec to Australia 15 years ago … oh I’m not weird, I’m French … that’s what we do in Quebec … knowing no one can really verify this.
Ahhh! I’m still exploring the possibility I may be autistic and I found so many of the stories in this to be extremely relatable. The last couple of years, the more I find professional success, better positions with better pay, sometimes leadership positions, the more I find that my attendance drops. I end up having to call out often because I just feel extremely overwhelmed that the thought of having to get through the day makes me start crying uncontrollably. My current job is the best I’ve ever had with flexibility and working from home and a consistent schedule, and I’ve missed one day every single month so far. I also find that I leave jobs after only a year because I convince myself maybe I’ll be happier doing something else, something better. So I find something better and it’s not better. I think the reason that at 28 that I’m finally starting to realize I may be autistic is because my ability to mask and continue coping through each day deteriorates more and more each year.
It was a burnout and a breakdown from work that led me to my autism diagnosis as an adult at 30. I felt broken. I was unable to mask, I was unable to do things I’d found easy and I never recovered. Fast forward 3 years and the NHS have still not seen me, I’ve had 3 ‘urgent’ mental health referrals that have gone nowhere. As a late diagnosed adult there seems to be no help at all, I don’t want to become a statistic so I have to research how to fix myself. Thank you for being so clear and honest in this video. Just hearing that others have similar experiences makes me and probably so many others feel less isolated and alone which lets be honest, is how many of us live. Feeling like you’re on the outside looking in.
i hope things look up for you soon, i found that watching content from chronically ill & neurodivergent people to be really helpful in teaching me ways to "fix myself" as, like you say, there is very little help to be found.
Your way of speaking slowly, your gentle voice and how you find meaningful words inside yourself for what happens inside us as autistic humans is comforting me a lot, gives me confidence and great help to go on explore myself and finally start to LIVE after 53 years of masking and breaking down completely two years ago. Thank you ✨
Its really nice to find my tribe lol. I'm my 50s and finally discovering why I've been "different" my whole life . Thanks for helping me understand myself more and making me laugh . I'm a self employed carpenter, I realized long ago I could not work for anyone. This has helped me deal with the people problems I had,but obviously had no idea why I had social issues at the time.
My doctor refused to let me get testing before and after my immediate and repeated burnouts as I tried to sustain any employment or educational advancement and crumbled. She is a tenured professor now at dalhousie university which means i will be silenced and made to go away now well before i will ever get help. Lesson learned. Do not say no to sexual advances, no matter your age or theres. If you say no, your libel becomes permissible.
My diagnosis is brand new, and the most uncomfortable part by far was learning that the personality I thought I had, that the world thought I had, was almost one hundred percent mask. At 45, I'm having to learn who tf I actually am, because who I actually am has been stuffed down and covered up my whole life. And that is both depressing and exhausting. But I know I owe it to myself to figure me out so I don't live the rest of my life masked up
This makes so much sense. This has explained my current situation to me; I have "faked" my way into what should be a good job for me, but due to its increased hours, and one of my doctors ghosting me, I'm doing worse than before mentally. If this were any other job, I would've quit or gotten fired at this point - I'm the sole full time employee, at a location with 2 employees; if they fire me they'd have to shut it down, at least for some time. Anyway, thanks for this. I'm going to send a link to your channel to a friend with similar issues to mine.
11:45 "live in a foreign country so that your differences are attributed to being foreign by others" the way that hit me like a punch to the chest 😭😭😭 anyway the weather in Taiwan is lovely today 😅
Watching this, I realize just how many times I have burned out over the years (I'm over 50, self-diagnosed.) I'd heard the term but never heard any examples and the stories here are so familiar. I have always been able to find employment but had no way of explaining (to neurotypicals) why some jobs are just impossible for me. Thank you so much for this video!
Late to the party, but great video! Looking back, I now realize I had my first big burnout at 16-17 and had a total of 4 of them before age 28 when I got diagnosed. Turns out I couldn't just "push through" to do what my peers were doing, because the world itself was harder for me to deal with. I just wish I had known earlier what was "wrong" with me.
This video is EVERYTHING! The ending is gold 😄 I just recovered from severe autistic burnout and it feels like I'm finally "me" again. I keep singing to myself "I'm back, I'm back and I'm here to stay!!" I'm NEVER giving up my sanity and health again to pass as neurotypical. It's just not worth it at all. #maskoffforever
Great video, very well thought out and relatable. The only thing I would, not so much call out, but maybe suggest more research into would be the implication that people with autistic traits would cope better in Japan.
I'm autistic and trans, and everything in this video applies to both my autistic masking and my attempt to mask as cisgender. I spent decades trying to "fake it till I made it" on both fronts and it took a devastating toll. I was either barely functional or non-functional for most of that time. My ability to thrive is _dependent_ on my being in an environment that is accepting and affirming of both my transness and my neurodiversity. In such environments, I excel.
So many of the stories shared really resonate with me. Part of it was from being in a career path I didn't enjoy, which only was exasperated by bullying in the workplace with management siding with the bullies (who exhibited forms of bigotry that both directly impacted me and didn't). Mix that with living with an ex-boyfriend who exhibited narcissistic traits. I went to college for computer engineering (electronics) was on academic probation several times (not knowing how to approach someone to ask for help) and thus barely graduated. I got pigeonholed into programming and tech jobs when I really liked working with my hands. I went in for engineering just to get away from the bullies and assault from classmates in highschool and thus never explored professions where I would have the opportunity to work with my hands. Three years after I was terminated from my last job, I learned about other neurodivergent conditions and was evaluated for dyspraxia... at that time, I took a career interest test and demonstated an interest in leatherworking. I took a few leatherworking classes and started my own projects over the past 8 months and really found that spark of joy that I was missing for so long. The only time the joy disappears is when I am unable to practice this new hobby. I'm still waiting on the disability application review to be completed, but I still want an opportunity to explore this new passion. A lot of the things that I have been good at up through highschool and college I can no longer do as well... these were more in the math and physics spaces... I never once landed a job in electronics design due to inadequate work experience, but I had a single yearlong internship that was related to repairing electronics down the street from campus. I was still struggling to figure out what was wrong. It took me time to realize that I only went to college just to keep up with trends of going above our parents level of education... my parents each have two-year degrees.
So much this. I faked it for decades. Two years ago, after a serious assault resulted in me losing literally everything, I broke. I simply can't figure out how to put the pieces back together again, despite trying everything I know how to do, multiple rounds of therapy and a supportive family. I cannot function any more and I don't know what to do, and at 48, I feel too old to "start over" as many advocate, but still "too young" to quit completely. I love your content!
Yep, that hit me hard. Monitoring and adapting at all times. Also deep compensation. So much. Ever since school. I'd learn what people expected and give it to them as cheerfully as I can
11:46 well, damn. I'm an expat. I had always wanted to move away from my home region. Ended up across the pond... "not all those who wander are lost" - true, some are autistic and JUST NEED SPAAAACE
Thank you, Mica! I'm not crying, I swear.. That same Ted Talk video was sent to me as part of a training for job interviews and I think I freaked out just as much as you did. I used that fact in my next job interview, explaining that I had been faking it for 50 years and was not going to do that anymore, now that I had found out I was autistic. I presented this in front of a room full of people (five other applicants and six employees of the company who were there to assess us) and they all reacted very positively and supportive. I didn't get the job, but still felt good about myself. That may have been a turning point in my life.
I've lost jobs from finally snapping with unexpected major panic attacks. Being gaslit at work made things so much worse. I finally snapped my brain when I had my 6th miscarriage.
@@Ember_Green I finally do have an understanding and absolutely wonderful psychotherapist! She's amazing, and I am so sickened that I had to wait this long for actual healing. Just glad to be looking Up & Up from here! 🥳
I didn't realize how tied to autism this was, those anecdote segments hit hard. I understand exactly what they mean. I earn significantly more than my partner right now. That really was just a matter of luck, he spent years in food service because that's what his family did and only recently got out of it. I don't have a problem with that, at least conceptually. It doesn't make me feel upset at him for our respective positions. But it *does* fill me with terror. If I burn out too badly and lose this, we're screwed. I don't know how we'll make it. And having that on my shoulders when I have a history of burn out and stress just... It makes it so much worse. And having that on my mind, the looming threat of how much I can mask, and then my worsening chronic illness and physical pain over time... I'm terrified. Because as you said, I don't have a choice. I have to do this to survive. I wish I could have a break but. Alas, growing up in an abusive home, working long hours as soon as I was old enough just to give up, then not even getting to relax them because I had a me to support? It's just. Too much. I want a break.
I'm so unbelievably happy with how this has been received, what with it being a helluva topic & all. I'm just happy I did it justice. Thank you so much!
Tw suicide.. When you mentioned suicide i instantly thought of Near, who recently passed due to internet bullying and harassment being so overwhelming. I didn't know how much they did in their lifetime untill i saw the news, but i always benefited from it when i played super nintendo games on bsnes and the work of their life was incredible.
I dont know if I'm autistic or not. But I have experienced camoflauging becasue I feel like expressing myself freely would be seen as creepy and strange. Ultimatly tho it just made me kind of burst out emotions whenever I felt relativly safe, or released my hold on my emotions which looked wierd to the people that saw that. Like I would be "normal" one second and the next I would be laughing and making excited noises, "odd" facial expressions and like drum on something or grab something really hard. And now I almost entirely avoid socialising, which is never healthy for anyone.
I have been struggling with this for a while now but didn’t really know what to call it or how to explain it. It actually put a lot of stress on my relationship and my work life bc I’ve been struggling to explain what’s happening to me to my newly-moved-in bf or my employers. At work it wound up resulting in me basically trying to pitch a lawyer-like case to my managers and HR about both how much I loved my job and how I’ve never had another job I found genuinely fulfilling in the same way (I basically get paid to hyper focus on something I actually love) and also that a big part of why I was struggling was being denied/given a hard time over asking for a pretty small stim that kept me from having panic attacks…. While actively having a crying, hyperventilating, shaking meltdown I physically couldn’t control. Everyone stopped questioning my fit for the job and the seriousness of having my mental health ignored after that. But your vid has helped a lot in explaining it to my bf. He loves me and does his best to be supportive but doesn’t always understand things about me that I kinda lack the language and knowledge to fully explain.
Thanks, Mica. 💖 Love the recruiter sketch! :D I've definitely been in that situation one of the other folks described of calling in sick because the thought of going to work was creating so much stress it was making me sick. That was a big problem for me when I was young, in my late teens, early 20s. It became much less of an issue once I became a software engineer, but of course there's always been some stress around work... even now, as a comedian, working on my own terms here on UA-cam, I can't get entirely away from it because I have to socialize to work, and I still have daily social anxiety. p.s. Sorry I missed the premiere... I slept late this morning and it was over by the time I got to that part of the DM thread on Twitter. But I'm glad the premiere went well! 💖
I was today years old, as an Autistic person, who's been in therapy my whole life, when I learned this feeling has a name. My previous job gave these about once a month. Part of me thinks it's on purpose, as the job was constantly social, and when I requested a move to another spot in the store, I was told that my current position was the only one I was useful on. Despite the fact that by the end of the time I spent there, that got worse as time went on, I was proficient in every spot in the store. Finally quit, moved to a new one, but I know how this feels, oh boy do I know
I feel terrible because I've never been able to keep a stable job. It just doesn't happen for me. I cry a lot when I do have them, and I can't do literally anything else but work. I can't bring myself to clean or anything because I have to spend every second not at work preparing for work. I'm also not a great worker, I don't understand what I have to do which irritates my coworkers because they seem to always know what to do. Also every job I've ever had was basically given to me because my friends already worked there, and would put in a good word for me, I haven't gotten a a job I've interviewed for without them.
I know this video is a year old but I found it at the very right time; I had to drop out after trying to finish a degree so desperately that I completely lost any purpose and direction in life. Now I can't even get to leave the house or even shower. For the past week I couldn't comprehend what was wrong with me and why I can't be the same way I was when I initially applied for university. I now understand that I desperately needed an escape from a harmful environment and uni was my only way out, even though it wasn't the right one for me. The first step to healing will have to be growing more compassion for myself and forgiving myself for being so rough on me when I was clearly struggling. Thank you for your incredible work on this video, you have helped me get one step closer to being back on my own two feet 💜
This speaks to so much of my experience. I hit the peak of a long build towards meltdown/burnout last year during lockdown. But it had been rising from years of working in corporate London (with undiagnosed ASD). I'd been going through long bouts of being signed off work due to the anxiety of having to go into a busy, over-stimulating office (via a difficult, uncomfortable commute) and various other issues - including my home life - that involved masking. After it all fell apart, I struggled to understand and process my emotions for a long time. Or do much of anything. But I gradually got back on my feet and I've since moved into a peaceful environment, navigated myself into a job with no office/commute and am learning so much about myself. The latter part is thanks in no small part to videos like yours (and the other amazing ND content creators on UA-cam - was nice to recognise some voices in this! 🙂) I've never felt so understood, or been able to truly accept myself ♥️ thanks for the work, research and personal insight that goes into your channel ✊
This video made me cry, who am I trying to fool anymore. I need to get myself checked, as long as I have no diagnosis I will just continue faking myself "happy".
I had my big meltdown where I finally popped right before the pandemic hit. For better or for worse, staying at home isolated helped me more than I had ever thought. Just not for the same reason everyone else was... which felt shitty, but I really needed that.
16:00 This really hit me, considering right now, this second, is the first day of a vacation I'm taking just to decompress after several months of stressful work. I got asked at work about 30 times where I would be going, because 100% of my coworkers take expensive trips for fun at every opportunity. Happens every time I take off, and because I don't have "big plans" I've often been asked to be available even during my vacations. I have the dreaded combo of (Autistic)+(Single when every other person at work isn't)+(The best, most reliable person at my position), so it's expected for me to work 24/7/365, and allowing myself to be overworked has felt necessary in order to be accepted.
Thank you for this amazing video! I struggled for almost a year in a job that was only four hours a day, but it was too full of stimulus and chaos. I didn't understand at the time why I was having such a hard time with it, but I was burnt out. The pandemic was (in relation to work) a blessing in disguise, because it allowed me to leave
i often wonder how many people have realized how much their workplace & commute (rather than the tasks of the job) are the worst parts since lockdown. my guess is LOTS.
15:55 woah, I did a double take there. I could've written that first part myself. Those are the exact words I would've used. Except I lasted a lot longer. Until I didn't, of course.
Thank you. I'm dealing with burnout and it was humanizing to remember that all my struggles with basic life things aren't my fault. I'm loving your videos and how you say explicitly the things Im generally trying to bite my tongue on.
My spouse actually asked me to stop working because of the after affects. I realize that most people can’t do that and I feel so guilty, really. But also lucky or “blessed “.
God this video was so important for me. My entire life has been one big facade and it's so hard that no one understands how it feels. I unconsciously act in ways that are completely disingenuous to my feelings and time and time again wind up in horrible circumstances because of it. I try so hard to say yes when I really mean yes and say no when I really mean no rather than acting in ways that will please others, but it is a ginormous mountain to overcome. As is the self hatred that develops because of it. I need to keep telling myself "you're not a bad person" "you're not a bad person" when I just unconsciously lie about myself to others... gah! It's nightmarish. But anyway, I've never felt this heard before. Never related to others this much and felt related to. Keep up the good content my friend
Love the video! Personally, I masked to burnout at 25 and then not long after, found myself a bit sick, got a wee bit of brain damage and now I like cannot mask for more than a few minutes.... It's.... Uhh.... An interesting experience... To get more than a passing glimpse at both ends of the mask spectrum...
I've been with my partner for seven years. He was actually the one that suggested I was autistic and in the beginning he was understanding, or at least not bothered by my lack of social skills. Now it's just become impossible, I can't speak, breathe, or even have my eyes move without being questioned or accused of being angry, manipulative, controlling, malicious, facetious, you name it. I am so tired...
On the front of neutral faces, I tell people who complain "Thanks, I have facial paralysis, smiling is physically painful for me". It turns out a lot of accusations can be redirected by shaming people. It doesn't feel very good to do, but nines out of ten it works perfectly and the person switches gears to acting considerately. As it turns out, if you assume a role convergent with your own, but more widely recognized, you can force someone to assume an appropriate social position. Sometimes I wonder if its ethical, but then I remember that I also didn't choose to be autistic, and I don't feel guilty anymore doing it. Turns out adaptive morphing taught me social engineering, which makes everything worse because now I know "the techniques", I am constantly looking for them in other people and second-guessing everything they say because I cannot assure myself that I'm not being manipulated by strangers concealing their goals. What was supposed to be a strength and a coping technique has given me trust issues! They are exhausting! Who could have guessed!? Getting awarded disability is probably the best thing that ever happened to me but I so often look at people who have gainful employment and normal productive lives who are achieving good useful goals and have the equipment and tools they need for their hobbies or to help their loved ones and give back to the people who are so kind to them and I just feel so hollow. I think, "yes, I should try this, I should give it a shot" but then I remember how it nearly killed me and decide I should be grateful for my bowl of cold oatmeal in the corner of a hall of full of feasting kings and queens.
i just recently realized that i more than likely am quite autistic, and it's been a huge hurdle trying to find somewhere that will help me towards a diagnosis and not bankrupt me. but watching videos like yours (especially your most recent one about being trans and autistic, since i'm non-binary myself) have really helped me feel less alone and like i can make it through this. thanks for all that you do! i also gotta say, it's wild realizing how much of my life i've spent masking. the fact that other people don't have to tell themselves to force eye contact and to count each of your head nods during lectures to show that you're listening really blew my mind. i've been trying to actively let myself unmask around people i love and trust but it's tough dismantling the tools i've used to survive up until now
I worked in a lot of customer service roles and surprisingly didn't find it too stressful as most of it's relatively menial and I can just think about whatever else the whole time. I actually didn't have many complaints about not smiling enough. In college I taught myself how to get good at fake smiling though. I think maybe as a guy stoicism is more acceptable though. Non autistics with my personality are also often quite stoic as well. I think maybe I lucked out by having an introverted, thinker personality type. I couldn't imagine being autistic and having a personality that's more socially oriented and extroverted and then being continually barred from meeting those emotional needs. I don't have to mask much because I don't need to socialize much. I live with mostly ADHD and/or ASD roommates though, so at home I don't have to bother with masking and now I work from home too. I def recommend not masking at home. Living with you means living with YOU. People just need to understand.
I worked customer service and was super good at it but it also made me a wreck inside. I did have to deal with angry customers every day though! But...it made more empathetic and I also got thicker skin. I was very determined and worked my way up.
So here's the thing. Humans are pretty tribal, and evolution has adapted them to distinguish between "those in my tribe" (trustworthy) and "those not in my tribe" (untrustworthy). NTs are hardwired to make this distinction but... they would be susceptible to deceivers if it were just a surface level check. NTs are also hardwired to make good guesses at what others think of them and what the actual social rules in play are, the better for tribal cohesion. So one of the things they learn to do early on is to subject people to constant shit-testing by making up seemingly arbitrary social rules -- things like "on Wednesdays we wear pink" -- and evaluating how quickly it takes the other person to catch on and infer and follow the rule. Autistics usually flunk these tests because inferring and following the rule requires learning, effort, and sometimes profound discomfort. At work this is a huge problem because tribal cohesion is used as a crude first-order method to get everybody cooperating, and people who don't pass the long-term "are you in my tribe" tests are seen as uncooperative or even hostile to the organization. The "emotional labor" of masking must be undertaken by everyone in the workplace. But NTs are so much faster and more efficient at it that autistics are often left out in the cold, even if they can and are willing to do the actual work.
I've never really masked before but I am autistic and have felt immense alienation for basically my entire life, I just never understood basic human communication enough to mask and honestly, I don't want to, I already barely feel like a person so the idea of intentionally feeling even less like one so I can appeal to neurotypical people, is not appealing to me
Wow, thanks for putting out such a high quality vid. I am currently fighting for a diagnosis because the previous time I was tested (5/6 years ago) I gave all the proper answers and since I was social and learned to look people in the eye I didn't fit the male-standard cookie cutter. Yo Samdy Sam's channel linked you and man, I'm not disappointed. Thank you so much for your time and effort to research and record all of this. I think that I am currently going through an autistic burn-out and I'm struggling to get back on track. Just about everything you said was recognisable. Thanks again and take my like & subscription. Love from The Netherlands
I was feeling pretty glum throughout this video, because I'm struggling through burnout & shutdown atm, and it's so well researched, presented, and delivered, that it felt like a personal attack :') Then the ending arrived, genuinely made me cackle out loud, and now I'm in a really good mood hahaha. Thanks comrade! ❤
I’ve loved your previous videos (the Brexit one in particular) but was a little apprehensive about watching this one - after a lot of quite painful reflection and research I’ve realised that I’m very likely autistic and that this explains a lot of what I’ve experienced in my life. Watching this video did have me in tears but they felt cathartic. Masking/morphing/whatever we decide to call it, is something I’ve been doing my whole working life without really knowing it. I’ve had some distressing workplace burnouts and meltdowns that I didn’t myself understand the reasons for. This vid helps put that into context, so big thanks to you and the contributors.
This video meant a lot. I wish I could show it to my parents but they don’t understand English that well and unfortunately, they’re not interested enough to actually watch it
I haven’t gotten a diagnosis, yet don’t feel like I even need one when watching stuff like this as it resonates so strongly & deeply, it’s pretty much impossible to deny at this point. Didn’t even consider the possibility until a year ago at age 39, but when learnt about the “masking” part, it was like the veil lifted. Managed to dismiss it for a year until circled back and crawled out of the COVID hermit cave and watch the masking tendencies re-emerge… or not, as the energy has completely run out to anymore. It’s been a tough period of self-discovery, yet hearing others’ perspectives like this being a certain solace in knowing I’m not completely alone in it. 🙏 (And 100% to the moving abroad. Lol. Felt way more comfortable in Thailand and Bali, and like such an alien now that back in Canada. Looking forward to getting back there when timing correct. 🌴)
I went to therapy because of anxiety and depression and found out I have ASD. It's made me feel even worse. Before I used to overthink interactions, now I'm forever thinking I'm coming across odd. All this at 45 years old is a pain in the backside. I kind of wish I didn't know. But the other part of me wants the truth.
Uni was hard, work after that harder, fired, back to square 1 in labour hire, handyman work better but living back with my parents, bottle of vodka a day for years. Now much less stress job, a bit of socialising, live alone but sometime clean my place. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones 🙂
I developed a coping strategy that is probably the only reason i managed to not unalive myself. I call it the mirror shield, i take whatever energy whoever is coming at me with and simply throw it back at them as hard as i can. Definitely not socially acceptable behavior but it's so much less work than maintaining a socially acceptable mask. It works fairly well on non determined bullies. But isn't very good for maintaining social contacts. Developed from decades of careful research and from the realization that bullies don't follow what people will claim is socially acceptable behavior as it is (actually bullying is socially acceptable behavior as long as you find the right target.) But the choice was between my survival and the comfort of people trying to break me down into nothing.
Becoming a revolutionary commie anarchist farmer has definitely given me hope, has given me a thing to live for. Now to make it work... NOW TO RISE UP AND OVERTHROW THE [insert unjust hierarchical structure here]
Extra special thanks to everyone who shared their personal stories of autistic burnout & masking. I could only include so many, but the rest informed the script - I couldn't have done it without you.
Are there any other types of neuro divergence that result in masking? I don’t think I’m autistic but I was diagnosed as dyslexic.
I have to work my mind extra hard to cope and adapt and when I’m tired it all falls apart. Add in depression and my ability to compensate drops off a cliff.
What got the ball rolling for me to ultimately gain an autism diagnosis at 41 was a tiny moment at my general practitioner when she asked me: "When was the last time you didn't feel stressed?" and I was as shocked as she was when I replied "I don't remember ever not being stressed".
I didn't think anyone stopped being stressed as soon as they became self aware and not just slightly disassociated from obliviousness
i started calling selective mutism "situationally nonverbal" bc i hated that it seemed like i was deciding to go nonverbal
I like this
I’ve just gotta say I love your pfp
I use "situational mutism" because I definitely don't choose to experience it. It also reflects that my experience generally lets me think all the words but I can't get them out of my mouth.
I notice in autism circles, the term “selective mutism” is used for mutism during burnout or overstimulation, which I believe is a mistake. SM is clinically defined differently, categorized as an anxiety disorder where the mutism appears predictably in certain settings and is definitionally caused by fear. Unlike autism, children frequently grow out of selective mutism. I think you’re right to use a different term.
We use our words to describe our lived experiences. This is no mistake. Scientists can make up whatever crap they want but they should listen to us. ❤ @@chris_troiano
"Gender, race, sexuality, even just general appearance, all of that can play a role in determining if you are seen as a bit quirky or a danger." YUP. This is part of the reason I actually LIKE the term 'masking', as it it kind of links my autism and my being black. The two types of masking are NOT the same, but the mask slipping can have similar results in the outside world.
I just recently faked my way through a job interview, and the second follow up interview, so well that I was readily hired at a restaurant for “the easiest job they had” as a host at the front door...even though I applied to be a table busser.
My first day of training was so overwhelming I had to quit the next morning and at 30 years old in the “easiest” position in the restaurant, that was terribly humiliating...and involved far too many tears on my part afterward.
Ironically, that "easiest" position is almost certainly harder for autistic people than table bussing is.
I had a fairly similar experience with being a dishwasher. The amount that was going on that I had to keep track of in the kitchen was way too overwhelming.
I hope your healing is going well. I just want to let you know you are not alone, and also say thank you for sharing because now I know I am not alone. I had a bad experience, after being a gifted kid and getting a degree in engineering, of not even being able to hang onto the so-called "easy" jobs. Looking back, I realize that I probably would have done well in an engineering job, a so-called "hard" job. It caused me stress for years to be living under the belief that adulthood was awful and I was awful. But it does get better
I like the term "adaptive morphing". Makes me feel like a cool Nickelodeon character from the 90s like Alex Mack or something
i'd love it if i could say it.
and holy what? you just reminded me of Alex Mack!
also, wondered why i got an uptick in subs there - thanks for sharing :)
Hope everything is going well with you!! x
Thank you so much, Yo Samdy Sam, for turning me on to Ponderful! ❤❤😍
I was going to say Power Rangers
Like Animorphs?
Years and years before getting my asd diagnosis, i related a lot to "Zelig" by Woody Allen. Watch it if you want a comedic take on what high masking is ;)
The "change the country" part hit me hard too ... whenever anyone asks me "So why did you choose to come to Japan?" and they are expecting an inspiring answer ... I disappoint them by: "hiding .. running away from social rules ... "
Japan has alot of those.
@@melelconquistador but they won't expect a foreigner to know them all and also they are explicit with them. In the west people just expect you know how to carry yourself around others.
@@Puerco-Potter people generalize, not all foreigners have the same expectations.
I tried that, but as a woman I found Japan to be even more suffocating 😢
I just want to add that burnout can be "big" and it can also be "small". This video does a great job covering the "big" burnout of prolonged masking over a period of several months, but sometimes you can reach the burnout point before lunchtime, just by going to a particularly busy grocery store. In a tourist-heavy town. In the middle of the summer. Like I did, just yesterday. In cases like that, you're not going to be torn down on the timescale of months to years, but you're still going to need a lot of time for recovery until you can function again-- sometimes a couple hours (if you're lucky), sometimes a couple of days (if you're not quite so lucky).
... And no, NT people, I cannot tell you how much time I need. I don't even know, myself, how long this is going to take. SORRY MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK ON YOUR SCHEDULE.
And that "stop asking how much time do you need" thing goes for allistic folks with ADHD too. We cannot guarantee matching those schedules either. I've had to rebuff similar questioning several times from my dad, who has ADHD and OCD but isn't autistic.
I wish I could internalize that attitude. How many times I've felt so sorry and awkward for giving flaky commitments, answering something like "I'd love to, really, but I can't be 100% sure I'll be able to because I know I'm gonna be exhausted by that day and I can't can't be sure how much time I need to recharge.
Which brings me to another question... How does one explain to health care workers that the amount of time you need to recharge is abnormal? How does one even know it's abnormal? Our healthcare is concentrated on radical self acceptance, which is great of course. But it's hard to get anyone to believe my situation would benefit from a diagnosis when everyone refuses to even think about autism and just keep saying "It's ok to be introverted, it's normal to need to recharge, just rest when you need to and you'll be ok".
“My brain just went ‘pop’… I could no longer mask at all, none of my mechanisms worked” that literally describes why I left my church and Christianity.
I have been very deliberately trying to look "not autistic" since I was about 8. I learned what the traits of autism were, recognised them in myself and was so deeply ashamed and fearful of being "bad" that I forced myself to look as "not autistic" as possible.
That involved saying the right things at the right time, forcing myself to remain attentive to my surroundings rather than my internal world so as not to miss important cues, deliberately suppressing stims, suppressing any form of emotional response that others would perceive as dramatic or exaggerated, forcing myself into deeply uncomfortable sensory experiences so I wouldn't look "weird" by sitting out, no longer expressing my anxiety or frustrations over changes in schedule, holding back the desire to be pedantic, code-switching from my more natural literal and precise language to accommodate others' more hyperbolic and distorted language, avoiding monologues and infodumps as much as I could, practicing certain facial expressions mostly likely with the aid of cartoons on TV, and most of all pretending I was okay and knew what was going on in social situations where I was actually deeply confused.
I had a lot of questions for Mum about "why when I do this do people respond like this? It makes no sense!" She would answer as best she could but I often found her explanations unsatisfactory.
I kept this up with the internal justification of "I can't be autistic, because an autistic person would be too oblivious to know they're autistic. They act 'wrong' and they're the only ones who don't realise. I'm better than that, I won't let myself look like that, no one will know." Internalised abelism yay!
The "training facial expressions" is so relatable to me, your whole story is. I felt ashamed and broken because I wasn't like the others (I never was diagnosed until 30 years old). My parents wanted the best for me so they insisted on taking me to team sports and gatherings not knowing that those generated only bad experiences and reinforced my feeling of hopeless dread. When I was 15 this one girl gave me a hug out of the blue. I never bothered masking with her because she was always nice. She wasn't expecting anything from me, she knew I was awkward, she didn't care. She considered me her friend, a friend that she wanted to express caring to... That day I somehow decided to communicate my inner world to people, and I already knew how, I just was not doing it because my inner world was somehow wrong. Forcing the right facial expressions for a situation felt wrong, but forcing the facial expressions that correlate to my emotional state? Just effective succinct communication, like a translation, so it felt actually a good thing and take me one step closer to stoping masking most of the time.
@@Puerco-Potter Good friends who accept you as you are can be a big step to unmasking 💚
Never having to fake a smile again would be amazing, but alas .... I do like having to wear a face mask (despite the discomfort), since I can let my face be natural. It’s also easier for me this way to fake a smile by crinkling my eyes than by moving my mouth.
Lol I do this too. There's comfort in the anonymity.
Omg yes, just crinkling my eyes instead of actually smiling while wearing a face mask is my favorite strategy. I work retail and still wear a face mask all day, partially because I like that it makes me less likely to get sick, but also because it's SO much easier to pretend to emote normally, and I can do stimmy things with my mouth without it being as obvious.
I only got diagnosed after a couple of years of ‘you just have anxiety & depression’ a few years into working life (age of 30). I now know I was completely burnt out by my masking. I now work in a better area where I don’t need to interact with people too much/ can escape to a quiet place often.
*’When mere existing is exhausting’ - damn that hit home.
I'm going through a similar issue with burnout at work from masking and being in a social job. What work area did you move to (I ask to collect options)?
Your point about masking including suppressing JOY made me feel so seen. My live-in partner is disabled with chronic pain, and I often feel too excitable, too loud and fast and intense. I feel like I can’t be myself, express my feelings, or talk about my interests. Of course I understand WHY and can modulate my speech to share some small things, sometimes, but I am not a chill, calm person. I feel joy in a big, all-encompassing way.
So did I, but it was something I suppressed and I'm now working to unsuppressed.
When I went to college to become an art teacher we had to do a 1 on 1 with our mentors to discuss our strengths and our weaknesses. I talked about my autistic burnouts in the past and he seemed to be very understanding. Then when I stopped talking he just asked me “well, do you think you’re gonna get that again in the future?”, basically making me say that I wouldn’t.
I was hospitalized a couple of weeks later
Really important stuff. I was a hiring manager in my company for a few years and while I've moved to another department and am no longer a manager, I will probably ended up back in management in the future again (I know, bad leftist...) and these are things that I'm glad I'm learning about. Office culture can be so focused on fitting in and following the unspoken rules and I think it's so damage to ND people who also deserve to feel supported and respected at work.
Thank you Phil - it is so important. There are autistic activists doing good work holding seminars & workshops for employers but there's always more people to reach. ✊
Eyyy cool to see you in the comments here!
@@RainasRoom Pretty certain he provided some voice work for a previous vid too~!
Don't beat yourself up. Speaking as a bottom-of-the-barrel Proletariat, we need more leftists to infiltrate the petty bourgeoisie!
But in all seriousness, finding management who are decent and understanding people is the only thing that is keeping my autistic-ass employed
We need more people who are "with it" in management. Help the workers
If I have to hear "just keep at it, it'll get easier" one more fking time...
Oh really, my good person? Because strangely my experience tells quite a different story, and in fact with each passing moment tasks which I once found bothersome yet possible, are now daunting and frequently strike me numb (and sometimes dumb). Clearly my mistake. Wot ho!
In all seriousness, thank god for the IAS in Wales and my very understanding parents. I have no doubt I'd be a statistic without their help and it's sobering to contemplate the simple and stark reality of that.
Thank you for this comment - way too often, well-meaning advice to "push through" can result in disaster. People need to learn to listen rather than assume & I hope my video helped with that at least a bit!
Great video and discussion, the more I learn about autism the more compassion I am able to have for myself, so thank you.
When I was a kid I thought I was a monster, literally inhuman. I masked through school and hit burnout junior year of highschool. I lost three years of my life just trying to get back on my feet and be a person again. By the time I went back to college, I knew I was autistic, and I wasn't gonna hide anymore. I was still depressed for a while due to my living situation but once that improved I finally experienced what it was like to be mentally healthy. It felt like having super powers; so much energy, a happiness I had thought was just a fairy tale, executive functioning! Now I work with autistic teens in a mental health facility, and I don't mask or camouflage at work much because it helps the kids to see someone like themselves living a good life. I do still pull the mask out sometimes when I have to (I've had many a delayed meltdown in my car because I couldn't deal with the sensory overload any sooner) but I can at least be myself most of the time. I'm lucky to have basically achieved the accommodating masking, making my environment safe for me to be autistic in.
"unexplainable heartbreak, such a deep & visceral pain." describes my experience better than i had ever been able to put it so far.
thank you so much to everyone involved in this video
Thank you!
Yep, a lot of this hit home as an autistic person. I need a cooldown between doing things, and my parents hate my stimming. One of the many reasons I don't have a "normal" life of wife and kids and my own home is that I don't see a way to have a true break from it. It would be constant, and I can't handle that. At least living with my parents I can take breaks in the form of having weekend sleepovers once a month and do whatever I want with my friend.
The job interview and the obstacle course of dealing with other workers are the reasons I now work for myself as an autistic person. I am 51, I have two nerves left, and only my husband and daughter (who is on the severe end of the spectrum) are allowed to get on them lol. Thank you for this video. I don't feel as alone in my feelings now.
Masking is a form of 'duplicity'. In many cases you don't have a choice but that still doesn't mean that masking isn't 'pretending to be someone you're not to trick people into liking you'.
I have often thought that I give off the 'Uncanny Valley" vibe in a variety of social situations. I need to read about and explore this more. Thank you so much.
I think I first heard it applied to autistic masking by Yo Samdy Sam in her video "why autistic people seem weird". I believe so, anyway - don't quote me!
I think my tendency to mask, starting in my teenage years, was encouraged by Anthony Robbins, who I can't stand to listen to now, as I find his teachings superficial. I never realised I was masking and thought that that's what everyone did - that they faked it till they made it.
I masked for years, until I discovered I was an aspie at the age of 40. I became really good at acing job interviews and got many jobs as a result, but "figuring it out later" never worked for me. I struggled to be myself at work. It was painful. I always believed that I would get it right at my next job which never happened.
What I should have done is become an actor like Anthony Hopkins :)
Jokes aside, I liked the term masking, and still do. I don't believe there's a need for any euphemisms. Understanding the idea of masking made me analyse and identify the habit of pretending to be someone I'm not. I believe that that is all that matters.
Great video, thoroughly researched. Love that you've divided the video into chapters.
I learned a lot from this video.
Thank you.
Me also. Diagnosed a few months ago at age 41. Spent two decades as a high performing software engineer with frequent burnouts, getting worse and worse until I couldn’t work anymore. Took years and many psychs to finally find one who had a clue about what was going on. Quite frustrating to have wasted all those years and energy in the wrong way.
@@TheCuratorIsHere I know how you feel. It's absolutely devastating. I felt and sometimes still do feel the same way. Talking therapies can only do so much.
I feel I have been traumatised. I have flashbacks of social situations from years back and cringe. I know it's irrational to do so, but I can't help it sometimes. But ever since I've discovered my neurodiversity, things have been getting better. I'm sure they will for you too. These days I'm learning about trauma and the various therapies for trauma. You've probably been out of touch with your feelings and emotions for a long time. If you haven't already done so, please read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk; and also learn about and practice Somatic Experiencing.
“Sell this pen” - Nope!
Relatable.
God, this is too real. I've started a new job recently at a campus bookstore and my manager, while well-meaning and caring for her workers, has a tough love approach that runs absolutely counter to how I function, and even when I did open up to her about autistic masking in the hopes that she would ease up on me, I'm certain she doesn't quite get the extent to which I have to do extra work just to give the impression of neurotypical competence, even while living at home. Which also struck me deeply just how trapped I feel in my own house among the rest of my family when I can never feel free to be myself around any of them.
Rewatching this video right now, and realising why I'm liking my new job as a mailman is the minimal masking required. During the morning setup as everyone is busy loading their own car, there's minimal amounts of small talk, then I get to be alone in the car for the day, and in the evening, everyones a bit tired so either they're in a bit of a silly mood, or just stay quiet. 95% of my customer interraction can be scripted and it's over in under 1 minute.
This was the best video on autistic burnout that I have seen - you covered everything, all the way down to the most tragic ending it can take. I've been in burnout for the last 3 years, and haven't been able to properly take a break - and it's also what made me realize I'm autistic with ADHD. Being able to explain burnout has been a lifeline in helping my family and friends understand the changes they've seen in my behavior. Thanks for adding valuable insight and understanding to the subject.
Thank you!
I always say "I'm not a Realtor, I just play one in real life".
I've experienced the "big" autistic burnout once and ever since then I've been terrified of getting a job. School for me was kind of tough but thanks to (at least the majority of the time) kind teachers and students I've actually really enjoyed my time at schools and higher education. But I've always known that getting a job (a job that my mom and dad think of as a "real job") has always terrified me to the point of panic attacks.
It's gotten so bad that whenever I have a meeting with some kind of authority figure these days it always ends up in tears from my part, because I get so stressed and can't keep my feelings in check despite trying so hard. I want a job. I want to make money, I'm tired of being poor. But at the same time I know intrinsically, if I get the wrong job for me I might get in such a dark place I'll do something incredibly drastic. And I don't want to go there ever. The worst thing is, my family wants to help me but at the same time they don't understand when I try to explain my feelings to them. My dad thank god, is at least trying to listen to me and my needs but I'm scared that it'll come to a point where he'll push me into a corner and say "You'll have to be satisfied with this."
This is almost verbatim, a talk a tried to have with my dad six months ago about my need to unmask at the age of forty in order to survive.
He told me I was "giving myself an excuse to have meltdowns," called the cops and lied saying I was actively unalive-ial to try to get me hospitalized against my will, and kicked me out of the house.
He's since tried to get back in my life but I've gone no-contact with him for my mental health.
i almost lost myself to burnout, so i appreciate this video a lot. commenting for the algorithm gods.
Did you have pain in your burnout
11:47 me having moved from Quebec to Australia 15 years ago … oh I’m not weird, I’m French … that’s what we do in Quebec … knowing no one can really verify this.
Ahhh! I’m still exploring the possibility I may be autistic and I found so many of the stories in this to be extremely relatable. The last couple of years, the more I find professional success, better positions with better pay, sometimes leadership positions, the more I find that my attendance drops. I end up having to call out often because I just feel extremely overwhelmed that the thought of having to get through the day makes me start crying uncontrollably. My current job is the best I’ve ever had with flexibility and working from home and a consistent schedule, and I’ve missed one day every single month so far.
I also find that I leave jobs after only a year because I convince myself maybe I’ll be happier doing something else, something better. So I find something better and it’s not better. I think the reason that at 28 that I’m finally starting to realize I may be autistic is because my ability to mask and continue coping through each day deteriorates more and more each year.
i've never been able to keep at any job for much more than a year, it just wears me down eventually. Working for myself has been such a blessing.
It was a burnout and a breakdown from work that led me to my autism diagnosis as an adult at 30. I felt broken. I was unable to mask, I was unable to do things I’d found easy and I never recovered.
Fast forward 3 years and the NHS have still not seen me, I’ve had 3 ‘urgent’ mental health referrals that have gone nowhere.
As a late diagnosed adult there seems to be no help at all, I don’t want to become a statistic so I have to research how to fix myself.
Thank you for being so clear and honest in this video. Just hearing that others have similar experiences makes me and probably so many others feel less isolated and alone which lets be honest, is how many of us live. Feeling like you’re on the outside looking in.
i hope things look up for you soon, i found that watching content from chronically ill & neurodivergent people to be really helpful in teaching me ways to "fix myself" as, like you say, there is very little help to be found.
Your way of speaking slowly, your gentle voice and how you find meaningful words inside yourself for what happens inside us as autistic humans is comforting me a lot, gives me confidence and great help to go on explore myself and finally start to LIVE after 53 years of masking and breaking down completely two years ago. Thank you ✨
thank you!
Its really nice to find my tribe lol. I'm my 50s and finally discovering why I've been "different" my whole life . Thanks for helping me understand myself more and making me laugh . I'm a self employed carpenter, I realized long ago I could not work for anyone. This has helped me deal with the people problems I had,but obviously had no idea why I had social issues at the time.
My doctor refused to let me get testing before and after my immediate and repeated burnouts as I tried to sustain any employment or educational advancement and crumbled. She is a tenured professor now at dalhousie university which means i will be silenced and made to go away now well before i will ever get help.
Lesson learned. Do not say no to sexual advances, no matter your age or theres. If you say no, your libel becomes permissible.
My diagnosis is brand new, and the most uncomfortable part by far was learning that the personality I thought I had, that the world thought I had, was almost one hundred percent mask. At 45, I'm having to learn who tf I actually am, because who I actually am has been stuffed down and covered up my whole life. And that is both depressing and exhausting. But I know I owe it to myself to figure me out so I don't live the rest of my life masked up
This makes so much sense.
This has explained my current situation to me; I have "faked" my way into what should be a good job for me, but due to its increased hours, and one of my doctors ghosting me, I'm doing worse than before mentally.
If this were any other job, I would've quit or gotten fired at this point - I'm the sole full time employee, at a location with 2 employees; if they fire me they'd have to shut it down, at least for some time.
Anyway, thanks for this. I'm going to send a link to your channel to a friend with similar issues to mine.
Always watching... always learning...
Me: nervous laughter, glances over shoulder
11:45 "live in a foreign country so that your differences are attributed to being foreign by others" the way that hit me like a punch to the chest 😭😭😭
anyway the weather in Taiwan is lovely today 😅
Watching this, I realize just how many times I have burned out over the years (I'm over 50, self-diagnosed.) I'd heard the term but never heard any examples and the stories here are so familiar. I have always been able to find employment but had no way of explaining (to neurotypicals) why some jobs are just impossible for me. Thank you so much for this video!
Late to the party, but great video! Looking back, I now realize I had my first big burnout at 16-17 and had a total of 4 of them before age 28 when I got diagnosed. Turns out I couldn't just "push through" to do what my peers were doing, because the world itself was harder for me to deal with. I just wish I had known earlier what was "wrong" with me.
This video is EVERYTHING! The ending is gold 😄 I just recovered from severe autistic burnout and it feels like I'm finally "me" again. I keep singing to myself "I'm back, I'm back and I'm here to stay!!" I'm NEVER giving up my sanity and health again to pass as neurotypical. It's just not worth it at all. #maskoffforever
You Go Girl! 💪🏻
@@mellequirynen thanks mate!
Great video, very well thought out and relatable. The only thing I would, not so much call out, but maybe suggest more research into would be the implication that people with autistic traits would cope better in Japan.
I'm autistic and trans, and everything in this video applies to both my autistic masking and my attempt to mask as cisgender. I spent decades trying to "fake it till I made it" on both fronts and it took a devastating toll. I was either barely functional or non-functional for most of that time. My ability to thrive is _dependent_ on my being in an environment that is accepting and affirming of both my transness and my neurodiversity. In such environments, I excel.
Every doctor should see this video , maybe then they wouldn't pretend to judge people without first knowing how they feel.
So many of the stories shared really resonate with me. Part of it was from being in a career path I didn't enjoy, which only was exasperated by bullying in the workplace with management siding with the bullies (who exhibited forms of bigotry that both directly impacted me and didn't). Mix that with living with an ex-boyfriend who exhibited narcissistic traits.
I went to college for computer engineering (electronics) was on academic probation several times (not knowing how to approach someone to ask for help) and thus barely graduated. I got pigeonholed into programming and tech jobs when I really liked working with my hands. I went in for engineering just to get away from the bullies and assault from classmates in highschool and thus never explored professions where I would have the opportunity to work with my hands. Three years after I was terminated from my last job, I learned about other neurodivergent conditions and was evaluated for dyspraxia... at that time, I took a career interest test and demonstated an interest in leatherworking. I took a few leatherworking classes and started my own projects over the past 8 months and really found that spark of joy that I was missing for so long. The only time the joy disappears is when I am unable to practice this new hobby. I'm still waiting on the disability application review to be completed, but I still want an opportunity to explore this new passion.
A lot of the things that I have been good at up through highschool and college I can no longer do as well... these were more in the math and physics spaces... I never once landed a job in electronics design due to inadequate work experience, but I had a single yearlong internship that was related to repairing electronics down the street from campus. I was still struggling to figure out what was wrong. It took me time to realize that I only went to college just to keep up with trends of going above our parents level of education... my parents each have two-year degrees.
So much this.
I faked it for decades. Two years ago, after a serious assault resulted in me losing literally everything, I broke. I simply can't figure out how to put the pieces back together again, despite trying everything I know how to do, multiple rounds of therapy and a supportive family. I cannot function any more and I don't know what to do, and at 48, I feel too old to "start over" as many advocate, but still "too young" to quit completely.
I love your content!
Yep, that hit me hard. Monitoring and adapting at all times.
Also deep compensation. So much. Ever since school. I'd learn what people expected and give it to them as cheerfully as I can
I've never been diagnosed but always felt like I was on the spectrum. At 7 minutes in and already saying, YES! Thank you for the video!
11:46 well, damn. I'm an expat. I had always wanted to move away from my home region. Ended up across the pond...
"not all those who wander are lost" - true, some are autistic and JUST NEED SPAAAACE
Thank you, Mica! I'm not crying, I swear..
That same Ted Talk video was sent to me as part of a training for job interviews and I think I freaked out just as much as you did. I used that fact in my next job interview, explaining that I had been faking it for 50 years and was not going to do that anymore, now that I had found out I was autistic. I presented this in front of a room full of people (five other applicants and six employees of the company who were there to assess us) and they all reacted very positively and supportive. I didn't get the job, but still felt good about myself. That may have been a turning point in my life.
Yes, they all reACTED supportive. And, without you getting the job, it’s hard to know if they were being genuine or not.
I've lost jobs from finally snapping with unexpected major panic attacks. Being gaslit at work made things so much worse. I finally snapped my brain when I had my 6th miscarriage.
i'm so sorry to hear that & I hope you have support
@@Ember_Green I finally do have an understanding and absolutely wonderful psychotherapist! She's amazing, and I am so sickened that I had to wait this long for actual healing. Just glad to be looking Up & Up from here! 🥳
I didn't realize how tied to autism this was, those anecdote segments hit hard. I understand exactly what they mean.
I earn significantly more than my partner right now. That really was just a matter of luck, he spent years in food service because that's what his family did and only recently got out of it.
I don't have a problem with that, at least conceptually. It doesn't make me feel upset at him for our respective positions.
But it *does* fill me with terror. If I burn out too badly and lose this, we're screwed. I don't know how we'll make it. And having that on my shoulders when I have a history of burn out and stress just... It makes it so much worse.
And having that on my mind, the looming threat of how much I can mask, and then my worsening chronic illness and physical pain over time... I'm terrified. Because as you said, I don't have a choice. I have to do this to survive.
I wish I could have a break but. Alas, growing up in an abusive home, working long hours as soon as I was old enough just to give up, then not even getting to relax them because I had a me to support? It's just. Too much. I want a break.
Incredible video. So important. So well executed. Such craic; such pathos, such necessary work. You are a gift.
I'm so unbelievably happy with how this has been received, what with it being a helluva topic & all. I'm just happy I did it justice. Thank you so much!
Tw suicide..
When you mentioned suicide i instantly thought of Near, who recently passed due to internet bullying and harassment being so overwhelming. I didn't know how much they did in their lifetime untill i saw the news, but i always benefited from it when i played super nintendo games on bsnes and the work of their life was incredible.
I love how successfully you've made your cat part of the mise en scene 😂😻
I dont know if I'm autistic or not. But I have experienced camoflauging becasue I feel like expressing myself freely would be seen as creepy and strange.
Ultimatly tho it just made me kind of burst out emotions whenever I felt relativly safe, or released my hold on my emotions which looked wierd to the people that saw that. Like I would be "normal" one second and the next I would be laughing and making excited noises, "odd" facial expressions and like drum on something or grab something really hard.
And now I almost entirely avoid socialising, which is never healthy for anyone.
"OK...this is alright isn't it....this is a thing people do....how are they doing it? *checks*....brill, continue".
Me, 1990 - present.
I have been struggling with this for a while now but didn’t really know what to call it or how to explain it. It actually put a lot of stress on my relationship and my work life bc I’ve been struggling to explain what’s happening to me to my newly-moved-in bf or my employers.
At work it wound up resulting in me basically trying to pitch a lawyer-like case to my managers and HR about both how much I loved my job and how I’ve never had another job I found genuinely fulfilling in the same way (I basically get paid to hyper focus on something I actually love) and also that a big part of why I was struggling was being denied/given a hard time over asking for a pretty small stim that kept me from having panic attacks…. While actively having a crying, hyperventilating, shaking meltdown I physically couldn’t control. Everyone stopped questioning my fit for the job and the seriousness of having my mental health ignored after that.
But your vid has helped a lot in explaining it to my bf. He loves me and does his best to be supportive but doesn’t always understand things about me that I kinda lack the language and knowledge to fully explain.
Thanks, Mica. 💖 Love the recruiter sketch! :D
I've definitely been in that situation one of the other folks described of calling in sick because the thought of going to work was creating so much stress it was making me sick. That was a big problem for me when I was young, in my late teens, early 20s. It became much less of an issue once I became a software engineer, but of course there's always been some stress around work... even now, as a comedian, working on my own terms here on UA-cam, I can't get entirely away from it because I have to socialize to work, and I still have daily social anxiety.
p.s. Sorry I missed the premiere... I slept late this morning and it was over by the time I got to that part of the DM thread on Twitter. But I'm glad the premiere went well! 💖
Thanks Sam!
I was today years old, as an Autistic person, who's been in therapy my whole life, when I learned this feeling has a name.
My previous job gave these about once a month. Part of me thinks it's on purpose, as the job was constantly social, and when I requested a move to another spot in the store, I was told that my current position was the only one I was useful on.
Despite the fact that by the end of the time I spent there, that got worse as time went on, I was proficient in every spot in the store. Finally quit, moved to a new one, but I know how this feels, oh boy do I know
Watching this while taking a sabbatical year off work, while trying to change careers... let's just say it hits differently
I feel terrible because I've never been able to keep a stable job. It just doesn't happen for me. I cry a lot when I do have them, and I can't do literally anything else but work. I can't bring myself to clean or anything because I have to spend every second not at work preparing for work. I'm also not a great worker, I don't understand what I have to do which irritates my coworkers because they seem to always know what to do. Also every job I've ever had was basically given to me because my friends already worked there, and would put in a good word for me, I haven't gotten a a job I've interviewed for without them.
I know this video is a year old but I found it at the very right time; I had to drop out after trying to finish a degree so desperately that I completely lost any purpose and direction in life. Now I can't even get to leave the house or even shower. For the past week I couldn't comprehend what was wrong with me and why I can't be the same way I was when I initially applied for university. I now understand that I desperately needed an escape from a harmful environment and uni was my only way out, even though it wasn't the right one for me. The first step to healing will have to be growing more compassion for myself and forgiving myself for being so rough on me when I was clearly struggling. Thank you for your incredible work on this video, you have helped me get one step closer to being back on my own two feet 💜
This speaks to so much of my experience. I hit the peak of a long build towards meltdown/burnout last year during lockdown. But it had been rising from years of working in corporate London (with undiagnosed ASD).
I'd been going through long bouts of being signed off work due to the anxiety of having to go into a busy, over-stimulating office (via a difficult, uncomfortable commute) and various other issues - including my home life - that involved masking.
After it all fell apart, I struggled to understand and process my emotions for a long time. Or do much of anything. But I gradually got back on my feet and
I've since moved into a peaceful environment, navigated myself into a job with no office/commute and am learning so much about myself. The latter part is thanks in no small part to videos like yours (and the other amazing ND content creators on UA-cam - was nice to recognise some voices in this! 🙂)
I've never felt so understood, or been able to truly accept myself ♥️ thanks for the work, research and personal insight that goes into your channel ✊
Thank you for that lovely comment. I love that people are finding community through relating with this stuff.
I'm in this video, and it's Painful to watch/hear. I'm literally crying.
oh, no! you don't have to watch it if it's too upsetting!
This video made me cry, who am I trying to fool anymore. I need to get myself checked, as long as I have no diagnosis I will just continue faking myself "happy".
I had my big meltdown where I finally popped right before the pandemic hit. For better or for worse, staying at home isolated helped me more than I had ever thought. Just not for the same reason everyone else was... which felt shitty, but I really needed that.
16:00 This really hit me, considering right now, this second, is the first day of a vacation I'm taking just to decompress after several months of stressful work. I got asked at work about 30 times where I would be going, because 100% of my coworkers take expensive trips for fun at every opportunity. Happens every time I take off, and because I don't have "big plans" I've often been asked to be available even during my vacations. I have the dreaded combo of (Autistic)+(Single when every other person at work isn't)+(The best, most reliable person at my position), so it's expected for me to work 24/7/365, and allowing myself to be overworked has felt necessary in order to be accepted.
Thank you for this amazing video! I struggled for almost a year in a job that was only four hours a day, but it was too full of stimulus and chaos. I didn't understand at the time why I was having such a hard time with it, but I was burnt out. The pandemic was (in relation to work) a blessing in disguise, because it allowed me to leave
i often wonder how many people have realized how much their workplace & commute (rather than the tasks of the job) are the worst parts since lockdown. my guess is LOTS.
i love that ending so much oml
15:55 woah, I did a double take there. I could've written that first part myself. Those are the exact words I would've used.
Except I lasted a lot longer. Until I didn't, of course.
Thank you. I'm dealing with burnout and it was humanizing to remember that all my struggles with basic life things aren't my fault. I'm loving your videos and how you say explicitly the things Im generally trying to bite my tongue on.
Thank you & I hope you feel better soon
My spouse actually asked me to stop working because of the after affects. I realize that most people can’t do that and I feel so guilty, really. But also lucky or “blessed “.
God this video was so important for me. My entire life has been one big facade and it's so hard that no one understands how it feels. I unconsciously act in ways that are completely disingenuous to my feelings and time and time again wind up in horrible circumstances because of it. I try so hard to say yes when I really mean yes and say no when I really mean no rather than acting in ways that will please others, but it is a ginormous mountain to overcome. As is the self hatred that develops because of it. I need to keep telling myself "you're not a bad person" "you're not a bad person" when I just unconsciously lie about myself to others... gah! It's nightmarish. But anyway, I've never felt this heard before. Never related to others this much and felt related to. Keep up the good content my friend
Love the video! Personally, I masked to burnout at 25 and then not long after, found myself a bit sick, got a wee bit of brain damage and now I like cannot mask for more than a few minutes.... It's.... Uhh.... An interesting experience... To get more than a passing glimpse at both ends of the mask spectrum...
I've been with my partner for seven years. He was actually the one that suggested I was autistic and in the beginning he was understanding, or at least not bothered by my lack of social skills. Now it's just become impossible, I can't speak, breathe, or even have my eyes move without being questioned or accused of being angry, manipulative, controlling, malicious, facetious, you name it. I am so tired...
On the front of neutral faces, I tell people who complain "Thanks, I have facial paralysis, smiling is physically painful for me". It turns out a lot of accusations can be redirected by shaming people. It doesn't feel very good to do, but nines out of ten it works perfectly and the person switches gears to acting considerately. As it turns out, if you assume a role convergent with your own, but more widely recognized, you can force someone to assume an appropriate social position. Sometimes I wonder if its ethical, but then I remember that I also didn't choose to be autistic, and I don't feel guilty anymore doing it.
Turns out adaptive morphing taught me social engineering, which makes everything worse because now I know "the techniques", I am constantly looking for them in other people and second-guessing everything they say because I cannot assure myself that I'm not being manipulated by strangers concealing their goals.
What was supposed to be a strength and a coping technique has given me trust issues! They are exhausting!
Who could have guessed!?
Getting awarded disability is probably the best thing that ever happened to me but I so often look at people who have gainful employment and normal productive lives who are achieving good useful goals and have the equipment and tools they need for their hobbies or to help their loved ones and give back to the people who are so kind to them and I just feel so hollow. I think, "yes, I should try this, I should give it a shot" but then I remember how it nearly killed me and decide I should be grateful for my bowl of cold oatmeal in the corner of a hall of full of feasting kings and queens.
i just recently realized that i more than likely am quite autistic, and it's been a huge hurdle trying to find somewhere that will help me towards a diagnosis and not bankrupt me. but watching videos like yours (especially your most recent one about being trans and autistic, since i'm non-binary myself) have really helped me feel less alone and like i can make it through this. thanks for all that you do!
i also gotta say, it's wild realizing how much of my life i've spent masking. the fact that other people don't have to tell themselves to force eye contact and to count each of your head nods during lectures to show that you're listening really blew my mind. i've been trying to actively let myself unmask around people i love and trust but it's tough dismantling the tools i've used to survive up until now
"Don't be sad, be a revolutionary!"
If only it were that easy 😢
I worked in a lot of customer service roles and surprisingly didn't find it too stressful as most of it's relatively menial and I can just think about whatever else the whole time. I actually didn't have many complaints about not smiling enough. In college I taught myself how to get good at fake smiling though. I think maybe as a guy stoicism is more acceptable though. Non autistics with my personality are also often quite stoic as well. I think maybe I lucked out by having an introverted, thinker personality type. I couldn't imagine being autistic and having a personality that's more socially oriented and extroverted and then being continually barred from meeting those emotional needs. I don't have to mask much because I don't need to socialize much. I live with mostly ADHD and/or ASD roommates though, so at home I don't have to bother with masking and now I work from home too. I def recommend not masking at home. Living with you means living with YOU. People just need to understand.
it's a really good point you make about more extroverted autistic people, i wish i had mentioned that.
I worked customer service and was super good at it but it also made me a wreck inside. I did have to deal with angry customers every day though! But...it made more empathetic and I also got thicker skin. I was very determined and worked my way up.
@@Stopbeingshallow Same. Learned a lot of people skills and patience.
So here's the thing. Humans are pretty tribal, and evolution has adapted them to distinguish between "those in my tribe" (trustworthy) and "those not in my tribe" (untrustworthy). NTs are hardwired to make this distinction but... they would be susceptible to deceivers if it were just a surface level check. NTs are also hardwired to make good guesses at what others think of them and what the actual social rules in play are, the better for tribal cohesion. So one of the things they learn to do early on is to subject people to constant shit-testing by making up seemingly arbitrary social rules -- things like "on Wednesdays we wear pink" -- and evaluating how quickly it takes the other person to catch on and infer and follow the rule. Autistics usually flunk these tests because inferring and following the rule requires learning, effort, and sometimes profound discomfort. At work this is a huge problem because tribal cohesion is used as a crude first-order method to get everybody cooperating, and people who don't pass the long-term "are you in my tribe" tests are seen as uncooperative or even hostile to the organization.
The "emotional labor" of masking must be undertaken by everyone in the workplace. But NTs are so much faster and more efficient at it that autistics are often left out in the cold, even if they can and are willing to do the actual work.
I've never really masked before but I am autistic and have felt immense alienation for basically my entire life, I just never understood basic human communication enough to mask and honestly, I don't want to, I already barely feel like a person so the idea of intentionally feeling even less like one so I can appeal to neurotypical people, is not appealing to me
Great Video, thank you. I'm about to send this to the people in my life who don't realize why I'm so stressed and angry all the time.
Wow, thanks for putting out such a high quality vid. I am currently fighting for a diagnosis because the previous time I was tested (5/6 years ago) I gave all the proper answers and since I was social and learned to look people in the eye I didn't fit the male-standard cookie cutter. Yo Samdy Sam's channel linked you and man, I'm not disappointed. Thank you so much for your time and effort to research and record all of this. I think that I am currently going through an autistic burn-out and I'm struggling to get back on track. Just about everything you said was recognisable. Thanks again and take my like & subscription. Love from The Netherlands
Wow, thank you so much! And good luck with the diagnosis hunt! It's so draining, I know!
I was feeling pretty glum throughout this video, because I'm struggling through burnout & shutdown atm, and it's so well researched, presented, and delivered, that it felt like a personal attack :')
Then the ending arrived, genuinely made me cackle out loud, and now I'm in a really good mood hahaha. Thanks comrade! ❤
wow I'm so happy your comment ended as it did!
Thank you so much!
I’ve loved your previous videos (the Brexit one in particular) but was a little apprehensive about watching this one - after a lot of quite painful reflection and research I’ve realised that I’m very likely autistic and that this explains a lot of what I’ve experienced in my life. Watching this video did have me in tears but they felt cathartic. Masking/morphing/whatever we decide to call it, is something I’ve been doing my whole working life without really knowing it. I’ve had some distressing workplace burnouts and meltdowns that I didn’t myself understand the reasons for. This vid helps put that into context, so big thanks to you and the contributors.
This video meant a lot. I wish I could show it to my parents but they don’t understand English that well and unfortunately, they’re not interested enough to actually watch it
I haven’t gotten a diagnosis, yet don’t feel like I even need one when watching stuff like this as it resonates so strongly & deeply, it’s pretty much impossible to deny at this point.
Didn’t even consider the possibility until a year ago at age 39, but when learnt about the “masking” part, it was like the veil lifted. Managed to dismiss it for a year until circled back and crawled out of the COVID hermit cave and watch the masking tendencies re-emerge… or not, as the energy has completely run out to anymore.
It’s been a tough period of self-discovery, yet hearing others’ perspectives like this being a certain solace in knowing I’m not completely alone in it. 🙏
(And 100% to the moving abroad. Lol. Felt way more comfortable in Thailand and Bali, and like such an alien now that back in Canada. Looking forward to getting back there when timing correct. 🌴)
I went to therapy because of anxiety and depression and found out I have ASD. It's made me feel even worse. Before I used to overthink interactions, now I'm forever thinking I'm coming across odd. All this at 45 years old is a pain in the backside. I kind of wish I didn't know. But the other part of me wants the truth.
Thank you. This completely describes what I've gone through the last few years.
this is my favorite video from you, thank you so much for sharing this
Uni was hard, work after that harder, fired, back to square 1 in labour hire, handyman work better but living back with my parents, bottle of vodka a day for years. Now much less stress job, a bit of socialising, live alone but sometime clean my place. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones 🙂
I developed a coping strategy that is probably the only reason i managed to not unalive myself. I call it the mirror shield, i take whatever energy whoever is coming at me with and simply throw it back at them as hard as i can. Definitely not socially acceptable behavior but it's so much less work than maintaining a socially acceptable mask. It works fairly well on non determined bullies. But isn't very good for maintaining social contacts. Developed from decades of careful research and from the realization that bullies don't follow what people will claim is socially acceptable behavior as it is (actually bullying is socially acceptable behavior as long as you find the right target.) But the choice was between my survival and the comfort of people trying to break me down into nothing.
Wow, you described my life (including the past two years of terrifying inertia and exhaustion), thank you
It's really weird that you know my secrets to getting through life.
Becoming a revolutionary commie anarchist farmer has definitely given me hope, has given me a thing to live for. Now to make it work... NOW TO RISE UP AND OVERTHROW THE [insert unjust hierarchical structure here]
... World?