ANXIOUS | Hazel Hayes
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- Опубліковано 3 сер 2024
- Sometimes the only way to defeat Anxiety is to stop fighting it.
Subscribe to my channel: / hazel
Written, Directed and Performed by Hazel Hayes
Co-Director and Lead Animator: Mary Gouldsbrough - www.maryvizbiz.com/
/ maryvisualbusiness
Lead 2D Animator: Neirin Best - www.neirinbest.com/
/ bestieboyberlin
Sound Design by Dan Pugsley - www.danpugsley.co.uk/
Music by Tom Foskett-Barnes - www.tombarnesmusic.com/
Special thanks to Jack Howard and Dodie Clark
Resources and Support for anyone suffering from mental illness:
Young Minds (UK) - youngminds.org.uk/
Mind (UK) - www.mind.org.uk/
Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US) - suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Beyond Blue (AU) - www.beyondblue.org.au/
Suicide Hotlines (US) - www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlin...
Suicide Hotlines (International) - www.suicide.org/international-...
i will forever be in awe of everything you create
wOAh this was an experience and a half
“I can’t breathe,” she says, as her chest tightens around her lungs. Her ribcage squeezes, her breath wheezes, and in her head, a warning bell that cannot be un-rung.
“Stay calm, stay calm…” she tells herself but in vain. The sensations remain, growing stronger still with every laboured breath. Fire creeps across the back of her neck. She starts to sweat.
She tries to focus, but the room reels, causing her to wretch. The people all around her turn to blurry silhouettes. There is no one here to save her from the voice inside her head, which snarls and sneers and says, “You can’t.”
Her hands clench, fingernails in flesh. And somewhere in the pain, a sweet relief - distraction, all too brief from this monster of her own creation that sidles up inside her and devours her determination.
It tells her that she won’t succeed - that, in the end, they all will leave - and she will be alone and sad. That every good experience or small success she’s had was luck, and nothing else.
She’s waging silent war against herself. She reasons with it, pleads her case, but logic has no place here. She tells it that she will not fail and implores it not to be so rough.
It tells her, “You’re not good enough.”
Panic sets in. She knows that she can’t win. She realises, with increasing certainty, that she will never beat anxiety. It knows her softest spots and deepest fears. It knows the truth about the mask she wears. It knows that she is really just a fraud and - oh god, it’s true.
“There’s no way they could love the real you, and you’d never have got this far if they could all see who you really are. You’re a fake.”
A flood of doubt blindsides her and she breaks under the weight. What if she was born to be afraid and what if she will always feel this way?
Scenes play out before her of apocalypse and doom. The volume in the room increases, building to a deafening cacophony of sound. There’s water all around- she’s drowning.
“Are you alright?” A hand, placed on her shoulder, by a worried passer-by.
It takes all that she has just to mutter, “yes, I’m fine.”
She lives like this - in a world of “Cant’s” and “What if?” Her life is one long conveyor belt of things to fear like fear itself. And so, at every opportunity, she bails.
If you don’t try, then you can’t fail.
And then, one day, she tells a friend. It’s hard, at first, but every word gets easier. Her friend reveals that she too used to feel this way. She concedes the feeling never fully goes away, but you can learn to handle it.
“Have you tried to understand it?” She shakes her head.
But that night, as she lies awake in bed, she calls to it. And it appears.
“I’d like for you to tell me why you’re here.”
It hovers there before her like a storm cloud, dark and grey. Lightning flashes here and there, within it as it ungulates. It seems to ponder, as it admits a deep and thunderous noise. Then speaks, in her own voice.
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“From what?” she cries.
“From all the bad things in your life. From all the things that in the past have hurt you. From having someone that you loved desert you. I stop people getting close. I prevent you feeling hope, because I’ve seen the things you’ve wanted most slip through your hands. I’ve watched your heart expand and then been crushed. I want so much to keep you safe, and I’m sorry if my methods seem unkind, but I’m just trying to protect your heart and mind.”
And for the first time in her life, she can see this thing she calls ‘Anxiety’ is just another broken alarm. In darker times, throughout her life, when something caused her harm, it would always tell her when to run. But it continued warning her long after all those things were gone. Now, it can’t distinguish between bad and good - it thinks everything is a potential threat. It sees danger where there is none, and the ghosts of her past in people she’s just met.
Years of fearing everything have turned it into something hateful. Still, she can tell that it means well, and, for that, she’s very grateful.
“Thank you,” she says, “for all you’ve done, but I don’t need you now. I know that things will hurt me, but a little pain’s allowed. It’s how we live, and love, and grow. And I know, that to feel the highs, I have to risk the chance of feeling low. So, while you might not ever fully disappear, I’ll carry on regardless and hope that you grow smaller with each passing year, because I’m a prisoner, as long as you are here.”
Life is to be lived, not to be feared.
This was incredible!
i see,amazing youtubers love amazing content
Tessa! 😍😍😍
Hi Tessa! 😘
You’ve caused me to look at anxiety from another angle and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Thank you Hazel.
Oh my god Hazel. Your writing so intelligent, and thank you so much for sharing your art with us. As someone with an anxiety disorder, this touched me so deeply. And oh my god, I just felt my heart skip a beat when you said, “Life is to be lived, and not to be feared.”
So poignant and beautifully written , acted and animated. Hazel you are so wonderfully talented and I hope you realise this 💕 x
this hit me so unfathomably hard today i am crying so much but i loved this. thank you hazel, and thank you anxiety but please loosen your grip right now
Hazel - I have never, in my life, written a youtube comment before (seriously), but you've pushed me over the edge. Thank you. Thank you so much for this.
I'm sat with tears on my cheeks, marvelling at how much this hits home. It's one thing to accept that anxiety is something you struggle with - it's another to realize that it's a problem that will most likely never disappear from your life, but it's another thing entirely to decide to plough through anyways. This video is scarily beautiful and beautifully scary, but to me, it's also hopeful. It tells me that it is absolutely possible, for all of us, to live a beautiful life outside of the prison in our heads.
I have followed and admired you for a long time, Hazel, and I adore anything you do - but with this, you have truely won my heart in the very best way. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I want to thank you for making me feel less alone in all of this. I wish you all the very best - you deserve it, you amazing, wonderfully talented woman.
This is so stunning-ly animated
Troubling and comforting. Left me broken and hollow and hale and whole. Wow oh wow. Another beautiful thing you made, Hazel.
I watched this and immediately wrote an anxiety related bad poem with a weird rhyme scheme. I'm gonna leave it in the comments. Uh... read it if you want.
Anxiety is an allergy to experience,
A false alarm worse than the hurt,
Of the worst case scenario.
An overwhelming, unforgiving sense,
That you could never subvert,
That you won’t overthrow.
Anxiety is the glass walls around you,
That seem easy enough to break,
With only a few gashes.
But you shatter them to climb through,
Every shard brings with it an ache,
That returns in indiscriminate flashes.
This is horrible, the beginning stages,
Of some unbearable, slow death,
That will surely make the news.
In your lungs, a fire rages,
Your skin is hot, there is no breath,
You’re a living, walking bruise.
You are your anxiety’s only love,
It can reside and thrive,
Nowhere but in you.
A sick and unfortunate example of,
What an overactive need to survive,
Can eventually turn into.
Finally , someone has put a voice to what it feels like in someones head with anxiety and depression ...
Hazel I am so proud of you !!! This is amazing once again 🌻🌻
0:12 "Steak-ham! Steak-ham!"
On a more serious note, this is brilliant! :)
i was in the throes of a panic attack when i decided to turn this on. i'm back on earth now. anxiety is a daily battle for me and you portrayed it beautifully in it's entirety and eternity but with the hope and victory that is lacking in so many explorations of mental health. thank you, thank you, thank you.
In this video i heard things i had heard before from myself. That was weird. But yeah it also reminded me that the fear isn't going to go away, but that doesn't mean i have to be a prisoner.
Anxiety is really like an overbearing parent. It locks you up alone in a tower, because, as you said, it sees potential threats everywhere. We have to sneek out and show it, that we can come back unharmed and with people who really do want to be friends with us.
btw i like this video a lot. great job.
This is the most amazing description of anxiety i've ever heard. Really, truly, well done Hazel. You've made us all proud.
I wish I can tell you "Oh, thank you, Hazel, this has helped me so much, and it's what I needed to here today"... Not saying that I can't relate, but I can only relate to the first half, I am still unable to breathe, I am still running, I am still afraid and fighting... Maybe in few weeks, months, or years, I'll be able to re-watch this and get inspired, and feel that "Awe" moment.
I am sorry.
I loved it writing and directing wise, it's beautifully made, it's a bit scary and a bit..... Well, I can't find the right word. It just fits the topic so much.
I truly hope I'll be able to look back at this comment and smile, and re-watch this video and feel happy that it's all over, or, it's all under control.
For now, I'll give it a like, leave a comment, and add it to my favourite playlist
We're with you, struggling too. Other circumstances, other places, same feelings. Here's to hoping we can find strength in the fact that we're not alone.
Your comment has put a smile on my face tonight. Here's to hoping we all whom struggling can find peace someday.
I hear you so much ❤️ the first half of the video genuinely terrified me but I’m trying to look at the second and understand and find peace with it. I don’t know how long this process will take but I am really rooting for you & myself also. please take care- I believe in you 🌟
I don't know whether to be sad that someone else is suffering like me, or to be glad that I'm not alone in this. I just wish that we both will get to this peaceful place, where we can control how we feel, and not get so scared about it anymore.
Thank you, lovely. Your comment is so nice it truly made me smile
Xalma I saw this and have wanted to reply for ages but felt nervous doing so. just the idea that my words wouldn’t be exactly enough. Just thank you so, so so much for your kind words a month ago; I’m so grateful I could also read your comment. I hope you’re taking lots of care right now- let me know if you can?
this hit hard
This was wonderful. I loved the visuals and the nuanced ways you described anxiety. This was very impactful. Thank you for making this.
Thank you as someone who started medication for anxiety it's nice to see that others have come out the other side. And you might want to put a link to CAMHs in the description for irish youth with mental health problems
+
Great idea!
that was one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever seen and honestly i don’t know how this isn’t trending
The wraith-like illustrations around 1:30 are such a spot-on representation of the flare-ups of panic that you can't predict, avoid, or ignore
Beautiful , goosebump-inducing and most importantly, TRUE.
everything sounds so elegantly put into comprehensible words. that was so beautiful. thank you for making this.
I think it's so easy (and often useful) to take on an antagonistic relationship with anxiety, to view it as the big bad you fight against to be better. But one of the bravest aspects of this piece is to attempt to understand where it comes from an empathize with its intentions.
Anxiety has completely ravaged my sense of self and my life as a whole. It's left me shaking in bed for years with countless nights spent in pieces, but I know now it was just scared for me, trying to help me stay living. I can't hate it for being wrong.
"Happy." and "Anxious" both brought me to tears in such different ways. I am so grateful for both of them, and to you, Hazel Hayes.
Every now and then a piece of art catches you by surprise in the most pleasant and profound of ways. This is one of those times.
Wholeheartedly, well done.
No words can describe the emotion I felt during that. As someone who suffers from anxiety disorder and has done for a vast majority of my life, every word meant so much to me and it just described what I’ve been trying to put into words for so long but never found those words. Thank you so much for creating this amazing piece of art, it has helped me feel more normal knowing that it’s not just me that feels this way! 💟💟💟
This is incredible!!! ❤️
God, I love your beautiful mind, your beautiful voice, and your beautiful art. Hazel Hayes, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing and for sharing such beautiful brokenness. You are really wonderful.
Hazel, this is brilliantly beautiful and poignant. I'm in tears typing this because the words you used to manifest and explain anxiety I know were mostly very personal, but resonated on a level I don't think I've ever felt surrounding mental health. The visuals were unique and matched every syllable and emphasis. You and the whole team did an amazing job bringing life to what can be an extremely terrifying reality. The animation and sound were executed so well and really helped bring this all together. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing this. Thank you for sharing you
“She pleads her case... but logic has no place here” THAT hit me hard
So wonderful. Encapsulated ♥️
I've hesitated to give such empathy or beauty to what has been such an ugly, crippling force in my life. It's hard not to hate something that's brought you to your knees and kept you there. But I also realize that to sit here and simply hate it dooms me to constantly be fighting it. And it's a fight I often lose. So maybe you have to understand why it's here before you can ever hope to have a shot at being free.
Fighting is important, battles are important. They make us better. But perhaps trying to understand where it comes from makes that part easier. I don't think I have it in me to ever forgive my anxiety for what it took from me, but maybe I can at least try to understand why it thinks it has to be here.
Either way, I could use some goodwill, if anyone has any to spare. I wish you all the best. None of this is easy.
P.S. Thank you for sharing your wound like this, Hazel. That is a very brave thing to do. And I promise you, for many of us, art like this piece is an important part of how we heal. If you ever read this, please know you are appreciated.
hazel, please never stop creating, you have the power of story telling that someone only encounters once in a life time, even if in the future there are less people listening or more please never stop creating.
this was amazing!! somehow the animation reminded me of the Tale of the Three Brothers from the tales of Beedle the Bard
Simply stunning ❤️ so beautiful and perfectly animated,and the way you have written it ,all those clever wordings that counjour up such impeccable visuals along with the tone and pace of the way you’ve spoken it ,it’s just left me a little speechless if I’m honest !
As someone with friends who have anxiety disorders I always felt terrible that I can never fully understand what it's like but I feel like this helped me gain an idea. It was a really beautiful video and I love the way you wrote this ❤
This is my brain and the realisation I also came to about a month ago, crying in a ball during group therapy, that protecting me from the bad is what’s keeping me from feeling good.
Sometimes I feel sorry for anxiety, I don’t know why I just do.
This was just beautiful.
“Life is to be lived, not to be feared” that one hurt
I relate so much
"Life is to be lived, not to be feared".
I picked that as my yearbook quote.
you keep me feeling less alone. always. i've never felt so thankful for another humans words. i'm proud of you hazel hayes. you help so many people, i can only hope we help you back.
I saw this years ago when it first came out and I didn't have anxiety and 4 years later having been thought it. It describes it perfectly! ❤️
i just sat in silence and cried. it’s all i could do. i speechless. this is beautiful.
this is art.
thank you hazel, for this. for everything. thank you for making this
This is everything I’ve been searching for to explain what this condition feels like on a daily basis. Anxiety has been a part of me for so long and this explains and validated my experience so much. The critical thoughts and memories of pain and danger are exhausting to face each time they roar in my head, I want to try believing I am worth more than the insecurities and self doubt. It is not a personal failure- It’s the lever on my threat system jammed, and it doesn’t make me weak.
You’re amazing Hazel, your honesty and ability to forge something so innovative and real and raw is breathtaking and I appreciate how hard you’ve worked to get to a place of greater strength and hope within yourself. Thank you
I’m crying because I have never felt so understood. I hope one day my anxiety will turn into something I can have a polite conversation with. Thanks for this Hazel
"Life is to be lived, not to be feared." wise words and brilliant animation, what a masterpiece!
this hit me so hard i was not expecting that. especially the end where she’s speaking to it. perfectly depicts anxiety.
THE LAST LINE!!! LIFE IS TO BE LIVED, NOT TO BE FEARED!
Love love love
I never realised how soothing hazel’s voice is
Amazing well-done video, very thought provoking
Everytime I have an anxious moment and feel completely overwhelmed. I always come back to this video. Thank you.
Here again
Thank you Hazel
What the hell, I have never seen something this incredibly creative, well-written, relatable and helpfull. You, miss Hayes, are talented beyond boundaries.
I struggle with anxiety and it is so... satisfying seeing it visualized and put into words like this, esp when trying to explain paralyzing anxiety to people who couldn’t comprehend it. It kept me in a job I hated for four years. One of my greatest accomplishments is overcoming it to get to my dream job. It’s scary, from the other side seeing how much anxiety controls my life. But now I can see it’s not impossible, that I AM my biggest obstacle, and that it’s truly a worthwhile feat to fight and win against it. I still struggle with it but now I know it’s possible to live without it dominating my life. Thank you for this.
this is everything
simply incredible.
I needed this so much. Crying.
The words, the way you speak, the image it conveys is perfection
That was phenomenal.
I needed this today thank you
I adore this
This just warmed my soul. Thank you.
this is unbelievably beautiful. I needed this.
chills. this is incredible.
This is the most poetic thing I've ever seen from people that live nowadays
This just put anything in words that I thought couldn't be out into words
(Also those animated backgrounds captured the feelings sooo well) just amazing!
I hope it helped many people put there
This is absolutely amazing I’m in awe
Hazel, right now I’m having a anxiety attack, my body is full of angst, I cannot see a way out of it now, but this beautiful video did light up something good. THANK YOU!
Ahhhh. This is too good!
Thank you so much for this.
utterly brilliant. thank you for this.
I’ve seen this twice so far. The first time i was in awe of how beautifully the video flowed, the animation was just breathtaking. The second time i closed my eyes and let your words fill my empty room and i got physical goosebumps from it and I didn’t even realise I was crying till the video ended and i could hear my sobs.
This is beautiful, painful, heart wrenching but also hopeful.
Thankyou hazel your mind is a miraculous wonder x
I don't have the language necessary to tell you how much this has helped me. Thank you for making me feel less alone. That last shot and music.....perfect
this is just perfect
the way you convey emotions through a visual medium is absolutely stunning, you're a fantastic filmmaker
Absolutely amazing.
Thank you for putting this into words
This is pure art on so many levels
This is amazing hazel sadly I can relate anxiety is a real issue and people need to talk about it
I have always thought that I was not good enough for people
I play the piano and my brother plays the violin and I have always looked up at him and felt that I will never be as good or worth as much as him which I know is stupid but it’s just a thing in the back my head (ps love the lighting and artwork
Thank you for this Hazel
Thank you for this. It's beautiful.
This is such a good representation of what living with anxiety is like
this made me cry thank you.
every single element of this is wonderful
Why does everything you do make me cry? I will forever be marvelling at your work
Beautiful.
Sheer beauty! As a teacher/guidance officer, I'm going to run this past my boss and play it for my pupils. I know so many of them feel this way,I know I have, and still do from time to time. Well done and thank you x
incredible as always hazel. i relate to your story.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Breathtaking
THIS IS GORGEOUS
This was so powerful. Thank you!
Thank you for this. Really, thank you.
Amazing Hazel!
The animation is so spot on!!!!!
Ooh I love this
So beautifully written. Poignant and raw while still retaining hope and beauty. I got chills so many times. “A little pains allowed.” Us such an important line and hard to learn lesson. This really shows what anxieties like, without romanticizing or diluting or softening, but yet it keeps it hopeful.