I was reading my diaries from age 11 and it's full of existential stuff, plus my confusion about why the other children weren't suffering with the same existential questions about life and identity.
Yeah, i remember being 6 and i was asking my mom where did all the people go after dying. And that there must be a lot of them since the beggining of the world. How can they all fit in the same place. Hum hum. Good thing my parents are open minded...but i did have a bunch of strange behaviours. My mom says i never slept before midnight because i liked the music from some finantial tv show and the noise the trash collection truck made. Geez...theres a lot of stuff. So i understand. Kids at school hated me...i was always alone.
@etcwhatever That is such a good question to have. Without the knowledge of decay and how living bodies are consumed by all kinds of creatures and are dispersed into the ecosystem, it brings up images in my head of giant heaps of bodies that we'd need to figure out what to do with. If you'd asked me, I would have explored it with you and eventually gotten to an explanation. I have had so many similar experiences where I had what seem to me to be exciting, fascinating, interesting, worrying, important, and just...big questions only to be met with confusion, blank stares, worry about my state of mind, or even annoyance. Virtually no one has ever met me there in my curiosity and quest for deeper knowledge and understanding. I hear you, it's damn lonely. Also, I really love your username ❤ It perfectly condenses so much of my lifelong monolog into just two words. A+
@@pocketlama i was thinking about the souls after we die. Not about the bodies themselves. Sorry i was not clear. But yes, the process of bodily decay is also complex and worthy of interest. I mean society needs people especialized in it and curiosity in children shoudnt be condemned as long as it doesnt imply harming themselves or others. But some interesting kids are born into families that are very "basic". Thats true torture.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD before my autism was even on the radar. I loved how my therapist described it. She said to think of my trauma like a hole in the ground...it can be filled with one big boulder, or it can be filled with hundreds of small stones. And that's the difference between PTSD and CPTSD.
@@BipolarCourage idk if it's considered "official" in the eyes of an insurance company, but after months of therapy, one day I asked her, "Say, have you ever written down any type of DIAGNOSIS or personality disorder in your notes on me, lolz??" And my licensed credentialed therapist said, "Just CPTSD." So there you have it, multiple commenters who have questioned me. Cheers!
I spent a decade in and out of mental hospitals because therapists mistook my autism that I was diagnosed with as a child for schizoaffective disorder. If I was excited about my special interest they said I was manic. If I was burnt out or nonverbal, they said I was depressed. If I talked about how my family was abusing me, they said I was delusional. If I said that people mistreated me in public, they said I was paranoid. When I said the lights are flickering they said I was hallucinating. When I said the medicine was making me sick, they said I was too crazy to know what is good for me. When I had meltdowns, they called it a psychotic episode and sent me to get locked up. When I struggled with executive dysfunction and demmand avoidance, they said I was antisocial. When I would shut down after being screamed at, they said I was being manipulative, and that me saying I hated my family who abused me was manipulative. And they called me borderline for it. When I asked for assistance learning to do daily tasks and communicate, they said it was attention seeking. When I talked about my accomplishments and progress, they said I was grandiose. When they saw that my medication made me fat, they shamed me and said I need to eat less. And now I feel guilty and like a failure if I eat more food than a can of beans a day. Yesterday my wife finally managed to convince me to eat a bowl of chips. The past haunts me like a demon. And I think the neurotypical world burning down would give me schadenfreude. If god were just, then all those who keep us scared and alone, who hurt us, would spend as long in hell as they have created hell for us. If ever there were gods who understand how we feel, it would be the goodest boy Fenrir, who trusted their friends and family too much, and were betrayed. The rage that creates ragnarok is the rage of being betrayed and punished for our immutable characteristics rather than having done anything at all that was wrong. Satan too. His only crime was setting healthy relationship boundaries.
You've been reading my diary RE misunderstandings. I stayed out of hospitals because I was very high functioning and learned masking very early. I will say I have been lucky, in that at a very young age I learned masking and also from that very, very young age I never believed all the shit my parents and others talked. I would look at them and say (in my mind), "what is wrong with these people?" Exceptionally strong character from that early and apparently very precocious age. So, I never thought I was broken or bad or a failure. I was mystified as to why I was so different, but I had two siblings who were much more noticeably autistic so autistic was "normal" in my family. It was a "character flaw" because my parents didn't seek diagnosis (probably because my mother is also an undiagnosed high functioning autistic, autism diagnosis was rarely done back in the day, and my dad was an undiagnosed high functioning ADHD, and we were raised in a cult (my generation was third generation born into the cult). I got out of the cult (and so am shunned by most of my extended family and everyone I knew), I got two of my siblings diagnosed (they are now out of the cult), but I didn't get diagnosed myself until last year (and I'm 69). I think we late-diagnosis folk just finally get tired of high functioning masking. I've got a very strong inner warrior, but he's also pretty extreme. Like your rage that creates ragnarok, my warrior wants to burn it all to the ground -- taking me with him, because I'm not properly standing up for myself and the current "me" needs to go. I'm really good at keeping my warrior feelings to myself, but . . . those feelings are there. And my warrior is right about what needs to be done, just too extreme about how he wants it done.
Good god… I hate how perfectly I can imagine every single aspect of that happening in real time… I’m very sorry you went through that, OP. There’s a song by the the Mountain Goats called “You Were Cool” that always comes to mind in situations like this, ‘You deserved better than you got Someone's got to say it sometime because it's true. People should have told you you were awesome Instead of taking advantage of you’
@@Raplover33 Your story is SO important! Really! I wish this could be shown to every young person struggling because they're misunderstood - and especially the young high-masking females who are more likely to be misdiagnosed and mistreated.
Thank God I found this. As I unmask further and become safer in my actual environment, now I'm processing old trauma at the most random times. Thankfully I am aware of how I feel when I'm triggered and know that the level of intensity now does not ever match the environment I'm In. It does feel like an uphill battle that never ends though, you process a lot and then your brain says 'hey what about this?' and you have to sit and process a new piece of the trauma puzzle. For me Its coming from having had to hold back so much in the past. It's the feeling of being stuck inside again. Or suffocated. Like I'm dying and have no escape. It's the exact same feeling, 'no one understands, I'm not meant to be here, I've failed, it's all my fault' coupled with fear dread and doom. Sends me into hypervigilance and a complete panic attack. I have to remind myself that I'm not there anymore. I'm not that kid who no one believed, I'm not the kid that people used as a scapegoat, I'm not being bullied or used right now, I can always get help or reach out now, I'm not back there. I'm here. Being autistic, PTSD can feel so much worse and so much more confusing. We are more vulnerable, and we also have a harder time handling the aftermath because we have processing issues. Unless we have someone teach us in an Autistic specialised way, how to deal with it, it can leave us really damaged and suffering. I love that she touched on how having a flashback as an autistic person shatters your structure. That alone is traumatising'. Or experiencing trauma, it knocks the whole world from underneath us. It feels as if even though only 1 thing has changed that the whole world has changed. My PTSD used to be SO bad that I couldn't leave the house, and now I'm at that stage where I am able to live a semi functional life but still have the residual trauma that waves through me. It almost hurts more now because I'm not used to feeling that level of fear anymore. I'm sure the people here can relate to that. I'm used to stability and peace now, so when I get these triggers and flashbacks, I'm like 'the world is indeed ending once again' and it takes me a while to recover.
I think this is my third time watching this. As a recently diagnosed AuDHDer, knowing that just living in a world with a neurodivergent brain in a neurotypical world is traumatic to our body's system. I wish this could've been known back in my youth way back when I had dinosaurs for pets...* What? We didn't exist with dinosaurs? 🤔 * Dream ruined! 😞 Er, um, anyway... When I went to boot camp back in the 80's (and again six years later - different branch of service), I found the routine grounding and the class work easy. But the drilling (I'm a clutz), being barked at, the constant scrutiny, injuries (suck it up, here's some Tylenol!); and very little breaks (let alone the sensory overstimulations), and sexual harassment were very hard to deal with! Service life was very hard on me mentally and physically, but I did my service before and throughout Operation Desert Storm and through the rest proudly, but it came at a cost that I'm still dealing with today. Thank Godzilla's toes that I never smoked, got tattoos (nothing wrong with tats, I just like them on other folks - beautiful), or got into drugs! (A former therapist wondered how I managed that! 🤔) Combine all that with my autoimmune issues and what comes with ageing... I just don't know about my future having to deal with these daily overstimulations, c-PTSD and chronic pain. I try very hard to keep it together for my children and grandkids. But it's very hard to want to be here when almost every little thing can send me into a tailspin back into the numbing cold depths of depression. Then the next day begins...
Megan's description of PTSD flashbacks were so accurate (for me anyway). I have both PTSD & CPTSD, and now am exploring autism at age 44. The existential thing is very interesting and caught my attention as I have dealth with that too. Autism would explain my life experiences very concisely when 23 years of therapy has still left holes and me feeling like I'm still not "getting it" or doing something wrong. Very very informative episode.
Being miss diagnosed with BPD instead of nerodevergent is frustrating. I think this happens allot with wemon. I have Central auditory prossesing , cptsd, boxers punch , and high masking autistic traits. ADHD . My nephew has asbergers. Ive had Bio feedback and it did help.
CPTSD is a recognized diagnosis in ICD-11. So CTPSD will become an official diagnosis in many countries in the near future. Here in Germany, the law still mandates ICD-10, but that is about to change when an official German translation is available.
Wow. It's about time someone addressed the existential aspects of the autistic experience. I, too, tried for many years to figure out "reality" on my own. Eventually, I found peace when I stopped trying to do that, and instead focus on my "special interests." I didn't know I was autistic until many years later, at which point my previous efforts to try to understand reality finally had a context that made sense.
I feel like Dostoevsky and Kierkegaard would say Existentialism and Trauma go hand in hand. Not to mention Sartre and Camus were both a part of the French Underground during WWII and likely had difficult childhoods.
I was recently diagnosed with autism, anxiety, and depression (still no certainty on whether or not I have ADHD). I mentioned having some PTSD symptoms (and LOTS of childhood trauma) to my anxiety/depression therapist, but she never confirmed either way whether or not I meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. As someone who also has aphantasia, I always struggled to understand if some of the things I've been experiencing could be partial flashbaks. When Dr. Megan mentioned having flashbacks as someone who also has aphantasia (around minute 23) I was so surprised I literally jumped in my chair.
With the feeling like an alien comment, I actually believed until recently (I'm 32 now) that I was an alien because I was sheltered from autistic people or neurodivergent people by my family in hopes that I would become "normal" and I remember very vividly my mom and family members saying "you're such a weird baby/kid, you were probably switched with an alien baby at birth" and I was maybe a year old at the time and I actually ended up also developing psychosis with paranoia before 10 years old and believed that my father I never met was an alien and created a delusion around it. I know better now after talking in different groups and realized that there are others out there like me that feel like an alien for the same reasons I do.
Wow, what a story. I was so confused all my life because I also felt like an alien and I didn't know why. I knew it likely wasn't literally true, but that knowledge didn't stop me from contemplating it a LOT over the years. It made as much or more sense as the other stuff I came up with to explain my experiences. 😢
No one ever told me I was an alien but I was called weird. There are times I wish that my real people, from out there in space, will come and get me off this planet. I feel like I don’t belong here. When I was younger I drank to relax and fit in now I’m retired and a content hermit.
100% thought I was an alien too. When I was 11, I told my family thanks for looking after me, you can let my real parents know I'm ready now lol.... totally believed that I didnt belong here. Totally feel you x
Thank you for this very informative, relatable and insightful podcast. The toxic soup of autism, ADHD and CPTSD. I finally have the answers I have been seeking. Why do we add medications into our already toxic soup, then have to spend the time straining out the ingredients we didn't agree with. Thank you Thomas, for being so open about your experiences with trying to manage medications for such health complexities, especially with relation to treating one ailment which then impacts another ailment. You explain things perfectly, what I needed to hear not to feel alone in my differences in response to treatments. I love the explanation of feelings being put into biochemistry makes like so much simpler! Its a constant management of symptoms, nerve and emotional regulation 24/7. Thank you Dr Megan for explaining how you searched for the meaning of the universe because you felt like you needed to know how things work to understand yourself in it and how to find the best way to live, I've never heard someone else speak like this expect for myself! We need to add more pepper to our soup not salt. We need to season ourselves too. We are all on a healing journey and soup is great for the digestive system :)
You can't "fix" yourself with chemicals, except to replace some that are missing. If your not a danger to yourself or others, it doesn't make a lot of sense to experiment with expensive concoctions with unknown side effects. Unless anything would be preferable to what Your going thru. I found working night shift, left alone, sleep most of the morning, I do waaay better. Just getting away from people for 23-1/2 hours day is like doing the best p!lls on earth. 😮 Especially when the income goes up due to night differential. There is plenty of overtime due to other people not hacking it alone, awake, all night with only themselves. So, income goes up, stress related to finances and rent or needing a frequent vacation goes down.
i'm sensitive to many meds due to my pharmacogenetic test results, i highly recommend we all get that lab test to find out which meds are dangerous or less effective. this is a genetic difference that co-occurs with autism and not a very intrusive test to ask for. i found out most SSRIs are not metabolized effectively by my particular type and can even be toxic in higher doses.
I kept being told i had depression. So i took that stuff for 15 years and im 34. Im glad i waned myself out of it. Slowly. Very slowly. But yeah it wasnt making me better at all. It induced a sense of indifference about everything. I prefer to feel even if sometimes i need to hide and cry for a while...
I've read or heard that being Left handed, or a mix thereof, can make Antidepresssnts less effective, ... or totally useless in my case - for the most part. I have the dysregulated/ very angry long-term remnants of v. severe c-PTSD. At least, prolonged/ complicated grief exists in the States, now.
I am not sure if I am autistic, I have been really curious lately. Some days I am pretty sure I might be but other days I think, well it is just a few different things that look like it to me anyways. I have tried a few different medications for anxiety/depression and they have all had strong side effects. Strong enough I have continued any of them. They have ranged from very high fatigue, to extreme nausea where I called poison control because I was worried I forgot I already took my dose and ended up taking too much because I didn't think taking just the normal dose 2 days in a row as prescribed would make it that bad. Poison control said I was on a pretty low dose and those symptoms don't usually show up unless someone has taken much more than even accidentally double dosing on how much I was taking. The third one I tried gave me these weird neurological symptoms. Made me feel kind of sick for about 6 hours each time I tried and gave me this tingling electrical feeling in my arms and legs. I never looked up side effects before hand for fear of a psychosomatic effect. I even have and quartered doses on the last one I tried. I am not sure what to do medication related so I am trying just therapy now. Not sure if my therapist will think anything of that or not
Sure! It’s a shame CPTSD isnt formally recognized as a diagnosis in the US. Reminds me of diagnostic criteria for autism and how many autistic people fall under the cracks because they don’t present a certain way.
As a neurodivergent and a soon to me therapist. I really find polyvagal therapy and mindfulness quite helpful…and synchronistically, I’m tying this as Dr. N is talking about grounding :)
I would love to see Megan on again- maybe with a bit more of her speaking (no offence AT ALL, I love hearing other autistics talk about their personal experiences, I just feel like she didn't get a lot of time to talk about all the stuff she knows).
I’ve had a theory for a very long time that the autistic presentation is a CPTSD neurological inherited brain type With a larger amygdala there are studies that site people with connective tissue disorders mast cell activation syndrome dysautonomia which seems to carry autism and it’s measured to have larger amygdala’s
Very interesting! Thank you for your input. Kinda similar to some of my theories, as well. Re: Ehler-Danlos and Marfans Syndromes. Which both have a higher incidence of ADHD + ASD.
This has been very helpful for me. Late diagnosed. Answered more of my challenges than my struggles with dissociation.. although that's a fa tor for me too. Everything you said here was helpful.. bookmarking this so I can listen again
I really appreciate this program and will listen to it again I am sure. It has given me a lot to consider as I work embrace my diagnosis. I have made notes about subjects I need to look up.
I ALSO had an inexplicable drive to study philosophy in college, on my own, realizing I made no sense until diagnosed with autism at 42. Feeling I kinda missed a few economic boats being in philosophy but not my degree in electronics, but yeah
That’s really interesting that you’ve had that similar drive to explore the world through Philosophy… although my negative circumstances drove me towards it, it was incredibly important for forming my core values and beliefs!
What are Y'alls thoughts on Objectivism? I'm nearly convinced Ayn Rand was Autistic, and also genius at logic, cutting thru word salad with clarifications, and definitions. It's hard to imaging someone on the spectrum being that on point in an argument or debate. But impossible to imagine someone not on the spectrum for all the other reasons.
I have CPTSD and may be on the spectrum. It's the chicken or the egg. Did developmental trauma cause me to be neurodivergent or was autism that caused my HSP & more severe CPTSD
My experience isnt the universal experience. But my "primordial" trauma of many happened at 2 years old when my dad had a very bad reaction at a meltdown. Im no one to give an answer, but my personal opinion is that we are born neurodivergent and trauma comes from not being understood and accepted.
For me I believe Being an undiagnosed autistic female is why I was bullied and picked on which caused the complex PTSD. I’ve never gone more than two years without having a narcissist or malevolent narcissist show up.
@etcwhatever yes but with me, I was abused by my parents. My mother was in an abusive marriage when I was conceived. She was super stressed so I know I was wired for dysregulation from the womb. That's why I wonder.
@KAT-dg6el yes but with me, I was abused by my parents. My mother was in an abusive marriage when I was conceived. She was super stressed so I know I was wired for dysregulation from the womb. That's why I wonder.
@@KAT-dg6el i understand. Still picking up the pieces 1yr after breaking up with a narcisist and a con man. Im still having problems because of him. He is now married to another lady and probably making her life hell. I honestly feel bad for her. I dont hate anyone but its hard to find forgiveness after all that guy did to me. 😥
I just wish there were more therapists for autistic adults that took insurance. My son has OHP (Oregon’s Medicaid plan) and I have Kaiser Permanente and omg it’s exhausting having to vet therapists (who are generally in short supply but even more so in the neurodiverse community).
People turn to alcohol because it releases b vitamins in the blood. Anxiety strips the body of b vitamins, alcohol strips the body of b vitamins thereby both types of issues create nutritional deficiency in the b vitamin complex. The release of b vitamins from alcohol in the blood is temporary and actually leads to more issues.
Therapy and meds, that’s all the medical field has to offer. Well I tell you what: (cardio) exercise whereafter stretching the muscles, doing HRV training (breathing exercises), and meditation… ARE NOT profitable by pharma, but allow me to get cortisol etc under control (you’ll feel like an apex in the world, joyous and energized). Soo… I do think! we need to talk more about the arousel (sympathetic nervous system) and calming (parasympatgetic) more in general so we can get these practices into our empowered lives. Loved the talk, highly associate with the youngly experienced existential crisis period part of the talk. Great speakers and minds.
Not to forget the neurococktail with meditation and exercise, the vasculatory benefits to the brain to keep it young and high in its cognittion (ALL PROVEN)
DO NOT take st. John's wort with an SSRI due to the possibility of developing serotonin syndrome! Just a psa in case anyone on an ssri sees this and doesn't know!
the best concept of who i was and why things were the way they were that i could come up with was that i was the problem and i was a f**k-up. i was in existential hell as a child.
If you’re needing more painkillers specifically at the dentist, it might be a good idea to look into/ask your doctor about hEDS. More common in ASD folks than the general population.
I didn't know this either. The connection between hEDS and autism. I knew about anesthesia and hEDS... from my own excruciating experiences, and reading some research. I'm diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos... and had to go through hell (gaslit by "medical professionals" for 35+ yrs) and pay out of pocket when one person dropped the name of the right doc. I'm not officially diagnosed with the tism... mostly because I don't have $2500+ laying around. Although this has likely been a large part of huge difficulties in education and employment, as well as relationships.
He's such as Rholiola, Gotu Kola, and Siberian Ginseng help to get the body out to stress from CPTSD. I have used all three personal for this condition. The soul can also get ungrounded from the blood. Dragon Bone, oyster shell and hematite can help with this. Learn to hold the breath to help relax and control stress, singing is good for this as well.
OK, I think you just explained my hyper focus is actually an overlapping. I'm trying to get family to believe I have aspergers, and I'm trying to get myself to believe that I do not have ADHD by avoiding doing any research into it, now I know, I guess it's good to know. Scary to think of when I go to get a formal diagnosis . I've taken 7 tests, all signs point to aspergers.
Hi! Would you consider removing the banners from the video? They are REALLY distracting, and the way the top one blocks a bit of Megan’s head causes the energy to not flow properly.
3:59 - THE VORTEX of Hyper-Fixation... I just realized that THIS is probably the #1 reason why relationships that are "NT-male & ND-female" are more successful than "ND-male & NT-female". - NT-men NEED EMOTIONAL DOWNTIME... this probably works out great when their ND-female partner drops into their vortex. - NT-women NEED ATTENTION... That doesn't mix well with the ND-male's NEED for time to engage in Special Interests. I feel like the experience of the - Late-Diagnosis AuDHD (ASD-1 & ADHD) Hetero-Male - is, on average, the more painful and lonely experience.
Chinese and Ayurveda medicines have been around for 1000s of years and are much better at working naturally with the human body. I have used this personally for Advanced CPTSD, with great success as well as many others over the thousands of years.
This stuff here !! Ir sending people tomscteam out of no where when i am at work because you think i hace PTSD !! Ir telling them to act sick !! This nedds to be fixed !! I never asked anyone to wach me !! A stalker stole my information and everything here is like bull shit younmade up !!
I can't keep up with this for the interruption it's such complex and important information, very frustrating. I would like to hear her speak uninterrupted.
I was reading my diaries from age 11 and it's full of existential stuff, plus my confusion about why the other children weren't suffering with the same existential questions about life and identity.
I can relate. I too asked deep questions that other children and adults didn't understand.
Hit the nail on the head.....
Yeah, i remember being 6 and i was asking my mom where did all the people go after dying. And that there must be a lot of them since the beggining of the world. How can they all fit in the same place. Hum hum. Good thing my parents are open minded...but i did have a bunch of strange behaviours. My mom says i never slept before midnight because i liked the music from some finantial tv show and the noise the trash collection truck made. Geez...theres a lot of stuff. So i understand. Kids at school hated me...i was always alone.
@etcwhatever That is such a good question to have. Without the knowledge of decay and how living bodies are consumed by all kinds of creatures and are dispersed into the ecosystem, it brings up images in my head of giant heaps of bodies that we'd need to figure out what to do with. If you'd asked me, I would have explored it with you and eventually gotten to an explanation. I have had so many similar experiences where I had what seem to me to be exciting, fascinating, interesting, worrying, important, and just...big questions only to be met with confusion, blank stares, worry about my state of mind, or even annoyance. Virtually no one has ever met me there in my curiosity and quest for deeper knowledge and understanding. I hear you, it's damn lonely.
Also, I really love your username ❤ It perfectly condenses so much of my lifelong monolog into just two words. A+
@@pocketlama i was thinking about the souls after we die. Not about the bodies themselves. Sorry i was not clear. But yes, the process of bodily decay is also complex and worthy of interest. I mean society needs people especialized in it and curiosity in children shoudnt be condemned as long as it doesnt imply harming themselves or others. But some interesting kids are born into families that are very "basic". Thats true torture.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD before my autism was even on the radar. I loved how my therapist described it. She said to think of my trauma like a hole in the ground...it can be filled with one big boulder, or it can be filled with hundreds of small stones. And that's the difference between PTSD and CPTSD.
how do you even go about cptsd if it’s not even recognized in the us?
@@straberryshinigami15g97 she was treating it much like PTSD, using the treatment modality known as EMDR.
@@BipolarCourage idk if it's considered "official" in the eyes of an insurance company, but after months of therapy, one day I asked her, "Say, have you ever written down any type of DIAGNOSIS or personality disorder in your notes on me, lolz??" And my licensed credentialed therapist said, "Just CPTSD."
So there you have it, multiple commenters who have questioned me. Cheers!
@@BipolarCourage she is definitely licensed. She's a family therapist with proper credentials in my state. Good luck.
Peace & Life Everlasting with Jesus ❤️
I spent a decade in and out of mental hospitals because therapists mistook my autism that I was diagnosed with as a child for schizoaffective disorder. If I was excited about my special interest they said I was manic. If I was burnt out or nonverbal, they said I was depressed. If I talked about how my family was abusing me, they said I was delusional. If I said that people mistreated me in public, they said I was paranoid. When I said the lights are flickering they said I was hallucinating. When I said the medicine was making me sick, they said I was too crazy to know what is good for me. When I had meltdowns, they called it a psychotic episode and sent me to get locked up. When I struggled with executive dysfunction and demmand avoidance, they said I was antisocial. When I would shut down after being screamed at, they said I was being manipulative, and that me saying I hated my family who abused me was manipulative. And they called me borderline for it. When I asked for assistance learning to do daily tasks and communicate, they said it was attention seeking. When I talked about my accomplishments and progress, they said I was grandiose. When they saw that my medication made me fat, they shamed me and said I need to eat less. And now I feel guilty and like a failure if I eat more food than a can of beans a day. Yesterday my wife finally managed to convince me to eat a bowl of chips.
The past haunts me like a demon. And I think the neurotypical world burning down would give me schadenfreude. If god were just, then all those who keep us scared and alone, who hurt us, would spend as long in hell as they have created hell for us.
If ever there were gods who understand how we feel, it would be the goodest boy Fenrir, who trusted their friends and family too much, and were betrayed. The rage that creates ragnarok is the rage of being betrayed and punished for our immutable characteristics rather than having done anything at all that was wrong. Satan too. His only crime was setting healthy relationship boundaries.
You've been reading my diary RE misunderstandings. I stayed out of hospitals because I was very high functioning and learned masking very early. I will say I have been lucky, in that at a very young age I learned masking and also from that very, very young age I never believed all the shit my parents and others talked. I would look at them and say (in my mind), "what is wrong with these people?" Exceptionally strong character from that early and apparently very precocious age.
So, I never thought I was broken or bad or a failure. I was mystified as to why I was so different, but I had two siblings who were much more noticeably autistic so autistic was "normal" in my family. It was a "character flaw" because my parents didn't seek diagnosis (probably because my mother is also an undiagnosed high functioning autistic, autism diagnosis was rarely done back in the day, and my dad was an undiagnosed high functioning ADHD, and we were raised in a cult (my generation was third generation born into the cult). I got out of the cult (and so am shunned by most of my extended family and everyone I knew), I got two of my siblings diagnosed (they are now out of the cult), but I didn't get diagnosed myself until last year (and I'm 69). I think we late-diagnosis folk just finally get tired of high functioning masking.
I've got a very strong inner warrior, but he's also pretty extreme. Like your rage that creates ragnarok, my warrior wants to burn it all to the ground -- taking me with him, because I'm not properly standing up for myself and the current "me" needs to go. I'm really good at keeping my warrior feelings to myself, but . . . those feelings are there. And my warrior is right about what needs to be done, just too extreme about how he wants it done.
Wow, that's terrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that
We are No Dis Order. We are a Step Forward in Human development.
You are Perfect and Whole Exactly as you are. As I AM
Good god… I hate how perfectly I can imagine every single aspect of that happening in real time…
I’m very sorry you went through that, OP.
There’s a song by the the Mountain Goats called “You Were Cool” that always comes to mind in situations like this,
‘You deserved better than you got
Someone's got to say it sometime because it's true.
People should have told you you were awesome
Instead of taking advantage of you’
@@Raplover33 Your story is SO important! Really! I wish this could be shown to every young person struggling because they're misunderstood - and especially the young high-masking females who are more likely to be misdiagnosed and mistreated.
Thank God I found this. As I unmask further and become safer in my actual environment, now I'm processing old trauma at the most random times.
Thankfully I am aware of how I feel when I'm triggered and know that the level of intensity now does not ever match the environment I'm In.
It does feel like an uphill battle that never ends though, you process a lot and then your brain says 'hey what about this?' and you have to sit and process a new piece of the trauma puzzle.
For me Its coming from having had to hold back so much in the past. It's the feeling of being stuck inside again. Or suffocated. Like I'm dying and have no escape. It's the exact same feeling, 'no one understands, I'm not meant to be here, I've failed, it's all my fault' coupled with fear dread and doom. Sends me into hypervigilance and a complete panic attack. I have to remind myself that I'm not there anymore. I'm not that kid who no one believed, I'm not the kid that people used as a scapegoat, I'm not being bullied or used right now, I can always get help or reach out now, I'm not back there. I'm here.
Being autistic, PTSD can feel so much worse and so much more confusing. We are more vulnerable, and we also have a harder time handling the aftermath because we have processing issues. Unless we have someone teach us in an Autistic specialised way, how to deal with it, it can leave us really damaged and suffering.
I love that she touched on how having a flashback as an autistic person shatters your structure. That alone is traumatising'. Or experiencing trauma, it knocks the whole world from underneath us. It feels as if even though only 1 thing has changed that the whole world has changed.
My PTSD used to be SO bad that I couldn't leave the house, and now I'm at that stage where I am able to live a semi functional life but still have the residual trauma that waves through me. It almost hurts more now because I'm not used to feeling that level of fear anymore. I'm sure the people here can relate to that. I'm used to stability and peace now, so when I get these triggers and flashbacks, I'm like 'the world is indeed ending once again' and it takes me a while to recover.
I think this is my third time watching this.
As a recently diagnosed AuDHDer, knowing that just living in a world with a neurodivergent brain in a neurotypical world is traumatic to our body's system. I wish this could've been known back in my youth way back when I had dinosaurs for pets...* What? We didn't exist with dinosaurs? 🤔 * Dream ruined! 😞
Er, um, anyway...
When I went to boot camp back in the 80's (and again six years later - different branch of service), I found the routine grounding and the class work easy. But the drilling (I'm a clutz), being barked at, the constant scrutiny, injuries (suck it up, here's some Tylenol!); and very little breaks (let alone the sensory overstimulations), and sexual harassment were very hard to deal with!
Service life was very hard on me mentally and physically, but I did my service before and throughout Operation Desert Storm and through the rest proudly, but it came at a cost that I'm still dealing with today.
Thank Godzilla's toes that I never smoked, got tattoos (nothing wrong with tats, I just like them on other folks - beautiful), or got into drugs! (A former therapist wondered how I managed that! 🤔)
Combine all that with my autoimmune issues and what comes with ageing... I just don't know about my future having to deal with these daily overstimulations, c-PTSD and chronic pain. I try very hard to keep it together for my children and grandkids. But it's very hard to want to be here when almost every little thing can send me into a tailspin back into the numbing cold depths of depression.
Then the next day begins...
I can relate to every word. Well said.
Thanks for sharing.
❤
Megan's description of PTSD flashbacks were so accurate (for me anyway). I have both PTSD & CPTSD, and now am exploring autism at age 44. The existential thing is very interesting and caught my attention as I have dealth with that too. Autism would explain my life experiences very concisely when 23 years of therapy has still left holes and me feeling like I'm still not "getting it" or doing something wrong. Very very informative episode.
Being miss diagnosed with BPD instead of nerodevergent is frustrating. I think this happens allot with wemon. I have Central auditory prossesing , cptsd, boxers punch , and high masking autistic traits. ADHD . My nephew has asbergers. Ive had Bio feedback and it did help.
They confuse meltdowns with a part of the BPD mood swings...
CPTSD is a recognized diagnosis in ICD-11.
So CTPSD will become an official diagnosis in many countries in the near future.
Here in Germany, the law still mandates ICD-10, but that is about to change when an official German translation is available.
Wow. It's about time someone addressed the existential aspects of the autistic experience. I, too, tried for many years to figure out "reality" on my own. Eventually, I found peace when I stopped trying to do that, and instead focus on my "special interests."
I didn't know I was autistic until many years later, at which point my previous efforts to try to understand reality finally had a context that made sense.
I feel like Dostoevsky and Kierkegaard would say Existentialism and Trauma go hand in hand. Not to mention Sartre and Camus were both a part of the French Underground during WWII and likely had difficult childhoods.
I was recently diagnosed with autism, anxiety, and depression (still no certainty on whether or not I have ADHD). I mentioned having some PTSD symptoms (and LOTS of childhood trauma) to my anxiety/depression therapist, but she never confirmed either way whether or not I meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD.
As someone who also has aphantasia, I always struggled to understand if some of the things I've been experiencing could be partial flashbaks. When Dr. Megan mentioned having flashbacks as someone who also has aphantasia (around minute 23) I was so surprised I literally jumped in my chair.
With the feeling like an alien comment, I actually believed until recently (I'm 32 now) that I was an alien because I was sheltered from autistic people or neurodivergent people by my family in hopes that I would become "normal" and I remember very vividly my mom and family members saying "you're such a weird baby/kid, you were probably switched with an alien baby at birth" and I was maybe a year old at the time and I actually ended up also developing psychosis with paranoia before 10 years old and believed that my father I never met was an alien and created a delusion around it. I know better now after talking in different groups and realized that there are others out there like me that feel like an alien for the same reasons I do.
Wow, what a story. I was so confused all my life because I also felt like an alien and I didn't know why. I knew it likely wasn't literally true, but that knowledge didn't stop me from contemplating it a LOT over the years. It made as much or more sense as the other stuff I came up with to explain my experiences. 😢
No one ever told me I was an alien but I was called weird. There are times I wish that my real people, from out there in space, will come and get me off this planet. I feel like I don’t belong here. When I was younger I drank to relax and fit in now I’m retired and a content hermit.
100% thought I was an alien too. When I was 11, I told my family thanks for looking after me, you can let my real parents know I'm ready now lol.... totally believed that I didnt belong here. Totally feel you x
Thank you for this very informative, relatable and insightful podcast. The toxic soup of autism, ADHD and CPTSD. I finally have the answers I have been seeking. Why do we add medications into our already toxic soup, then have to spend the time straining out the ingredients we didn't agree with. Thank you Thomas, for being so open about your experiences with trying to manage medications for such health complexities, especially with relation to treating one ailment which then impacts another ailment. You explain things perfectly, what I needed to hear not to feel alone in my differences in response to treatments. I love the explanation of feelings being put into biochemistry makes like so much simpler! Its a constant management of symptoms, nerve and emotional regulation 24/7. Thank you Dr Megan for explaining how you searched for the meaning of the universe because you felt like you needed to know how things work to understand yourself in it and how to find the best way to live, I've never heard someone else speak like this expect for myself! We need to add more pepper to our soup not salt. We need to season ourselves too. We are all on a healing journey and soup is great for the digestive system :)
You can't "fix" yourself with chemicals, except to replace some that are missing.
If your not a danger to yourself or others, it doesn't make a lot of sense to experiment with expensive concoctions with unknown side effects. Unless anything would be preferable to what Your going thru.
I found working night shift, left alone, sleep most of the morning, I do waaay better. Just getting away from people for 23-1/2 hours day is like doing the best p!lls on earth. 😮
Especially when the income goes up due to night differential. There is plenty of overtime due to other people not hacking it alone, awake, all night with only themselves. So, income goes up, stress related to finances and rent or needing a frequent vacation goes down.
i'm sensitive to many meds due to my pharmacogenetic test results, i highly recommend we all get that lab test to find out which meds are dangerous or less effective. this is a genetic difference that co-occurs with autism and not a very intrusive test to ask for. i found out most SSRIs are not metabolized effectively by my particular type and can even be toxic in higher doses.
Stevens Johnson Syndrome symptoms suck!
I kept being told i had depression. So i took that stuff for 15 years and im 34. Im glad i waned myself out of it. Slowly. Very slowly. But yeah it wasnt making me better at all. It induced a sense of indifference about everything. I prefer to feel even if sometimes i need to hide and cry for a while...
I've read or heard that being Left handed, or a mix thereof, can make Antidepresssnts less effective, ... or totally useless in my case - for the most part.
I have the dysregulated/ very angry long-term remnants of v. severe c-PTSD.
At least, prolonged/ complicated grief exists in the States, now.
I am not sure if I am autistic, I have been really curious lately. Some days I am pretty sure I might be but other days I think, well it is just a few different things that look like it to me anyways.
I have tried a few different medications for anxiety/depression and they have all had strong side effects. Strong enough I have continued any of them. They have ranged from very high fatigue, to extreme nausea where I called poison control because I was worried I forgot I already took my dose and ended up taking too much because I didn't think taking just the normal dose 2 days in a row as prescribed would make it that bad. Poison control said I was on a pretty low dose and those symptoms don't usually show up unless someone has taken much more than even accidentally double dosing on how much I was taking. The third one I tried gave me these weird neurological symptoms. Made me feel kind of sick for about 6 hours each time I tried and gave me this tingling electrical feeling in my arms and legs.
I never looked up side effects before hand for fear of a psychosomatic effect. I even have and quartered doses on the last one I tried.
I am not sure what to do medication related so I am trying just therapy now. Not sure if my therapist will think anything of that or not
this is remarkably helpful. particularly the host and guest's differences make the conversation more effective
Thank you for this! Will be good to look at as I probably have CPTSD
You are very welcome! Thank you for being one of the first commenters
Sure! It’s a shame CPTSD isnt formally recognized as a diagnosis in the US. Reminds me of diagnostic criteria for autism and how many autistic people fall under the cracks because they don’t present a certain way.
@@straberryshinigami15g97agree
As an audhder with cptsd, bpd & a dissociative disorder this is very validating to listen to, thank you 😢
As a neurodivergent and a soon to me therapist. I really find polyvagal therapy and mindfulness quite helpful…and synchronistically, I’m tying this as Dr. N is talking about grounding :)
I would love to see Megan on again- maybe with a bit more of her speaking (no offence AT ALL, I love hearing other autistics talk about their personal experiences, I just feel like she didn't get a lot of time to talk about all the stuff she knows).
I’ve had a theory for a very long time that the autistic presentation is a CPTSD neurological inherited brain type With a larger amygdala there are studies that site people with connective tissue disorders mast cell activation syndrome dysautonomia which seems to carry autism and it’s measured to have larger amygdala’s
Very interesting! Thank you for your input. Kinda similar to some of my theories, as well.
Re: Ehler-Danlos and Marfans Syndromes. Which both have a higher incidence of ADHD + ASD.
This has been very helpful for me.
Late diagnosed. Answered more of my challenges than my struggles with dissociation.. although that's a fa tor for me too. Everything you said here was helpful.. bookmarking this so I can listen again
I really appreciate this program and will listen to it again I am sure. It has given me a lot to consider as I work embrace my diagnosis. I have made notes about subjects I need to look up.
One has to wonder how common it is, for a late life diagnosis to happen, after their child is diagnosed with Autism.
I ALSO had an inexplicable drive to study philosophy in college, on my own, realizing I made no sense until diagnosed with autism at 42. Feeling I kinda missed a few economic boats being in philosophy but not my degree in electronics, but yeah
That’s really interesting that you’ve had that similar drive to explore the world through Philosophy… although my negative circumstances drove me towards it, it was incredibly important for forming my core values and beliefs!
What are Y'alls thoughts on Objectivism? I'm nearly convinced Ayn Rand was Autistic, and also genius at logic, cutting thru word salad with clarifications, and definitions. It's hard to imaging someone on the spectrum being that on point in an argument or debate. But impossible to imagine someone not on the spectrum for all the other reasons.
I have CPTSD and may be on the spectrum. It's the chicken or the egg. Did developmental trauma cause me to be neurodivergent or was autism that caused my HSP & more severe CPTSD
My experience isnt the universal experience. But my "primordial" trauma of many happened at 2 years old when my dad had a very bad reaction at a meltdown. Im no one to give an answer, but my personal opinion is that we are born neurodivergent and trauma comes from not being understood and accepted.
For me I believe Being an undiagnosed autistic female is why I was bullied and picked on which caused the complex PTSD. I’ve never gone more than two years without having a narcissist or malevolent narcissist show up.
@etcwhatever yes but with me, I was abused by my parents. My mother was in an abusive marriage when I was conceived. She was super stressed so I know I was wired for dysregulation from the womb. That's why I wonder.
@KAT-dg6el yes but with me, I was abused by my parents. My mother was in an abusive marriage when I was conceived. She was super stressed so I know I was wired for dysregulation from the womb. That's why I wonder.
@@KAT-dg6el i understand. Still picking up the pieces 1yr after breaking up with a narcisist and a con man. Im still having problems because of him. He is now married to another lady and probably making her life hell. I honestly feel bad for her. I dont hate anyone but its hard to find forgiveness after all that guy did to me. 😥
I just wish there were more therapists for autistic adults that took insurance. My son has OHP (Oregon’s Medicaid plan) and I have Kaiser Permanente and omg it’s exhausting having to vet therapists (who are generally in short supply but even more so in the neurodiverse community).
This was a wonderful conversation. Thank you
People turn to alcohol because it releases b vitamins in the blood.
Anxiety strips the body of b vitamins,
alcohol strips the body of b vitamins thereby both types of issues create nutritional deficiency in the b vitamin complex.
The release of b vitamins from alcohol in the blood is temporary and actually leads to more issues.
Therapy and meds, that’s all the medical field has to offer. Well I tell you what: (cardio) exercise whereafter stretching the muscles, doing HRV training (breathing exercises), and meditation… ARE NOT profitable by pharma, but allow me to get cortisol etc under control (you’ll feel like an apex in the world, joyous and energized).
Soo… I do think! we need to talk more about the arousel (sympathetic nervous system) and calming (parasympatgetic) more in general so we can get these practices into our empowered lives.
Loved the talk, highly associate with the youngly experienced existential crisis period part of the talk. Great speakers and minds.
Not to forget the neurococktail with meditation and exercise, the vasculatory benefits to the brain to keep it young and high in its cognittion (ALL PROVEN)
Well this melted my brain.
Very important topic!!!
Thank you both so much.
thank you
Herb St. John's wart helps to take the edge off depression.
Ashwaganda helps with hormone regulations. I have personally used both.
DO NOT take st. John's wort with an SSRI due to the possibility of developing serotonin syndrome! Just a psa in case anyone on an ssri sees this and doesn't know!
the best concept of who i was and why things were the way they were that i could come up with was that i was the problem and i was a f**k-up. i was in existential hell as a child.
really interesting discussion of autistic tendency to become faux regulated
Doing blood tests to find the rights meds that work with you can help, I know it did help with me after a couple of tries
If you’re needing more painkillers specifically at the dentist, it might be a good idea to look into/ask your doctor about hEDS. More common in ASD folks than the general population.
Oh i didnt know about this. The dentist has to give me twice the anaesthesia he gives other people. He commented this to me.
I didn't know this either. The connection between hEDS and autism. I knew about anesthesia and hEDS... from my own excruciating experiences, and reading some research.
I'm diagnosed with Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos... and had to go through hell (gaslit by "medical professionals" for 35+ yrs) and pay out of pocket when one person dropped the name of the right doc.
I'm not officially diagnosed with the tism... mostly because I don't have $2500+ laying around. Although this has likely been a large part of huge difficulties in education and employment, as well as relationships.
He's such as Rholiola, Gotu Kola, and Siberian Ginseng help to get the body out to stress from CPTSD. I have used all three personal for this condition.
The soul can also get ungrounded from the blood. Dragon Bone, oyster shell and hematite can help with this.
Learn to hold the breath to help relax and control stress, singing is good for this as well.
I wonder if that's why I love swimming, under water holding my breath...
i learned a lot
Omg she almost has my name, and I also have audhd and cptsd
OK, I think you just explained my hyper focus is actually an overlapping. I'm trying to get family to believe I have aspergers, and I'm trying to get myself to believe that I do not have ADHD by avoiding doing any research into it, now I know, I guess it's good to know. Scary to think of when I go to get a formal diagnosis . I've taken 7 tests, all signs point to aspergers.
Thanks!
Hi! Would you consider removing the banners from the video? They are REALLY distracting, and the way the top one blocks a bit of Megan’s head causes the energy to not flow properly.
So good ❤
3:59 - THE VORTEX of Hyper-Fixation...
I just realized that THIS is probably the #1 reason why relationships that are "NT-male & ND-female" are more successful than "ND-male & NT-female".
- NT-men NEED EMOTIONAL DOWNTIME... this probably works out great when their ND-female partner drops into their vortex.
- NT-women NEED ATTENTION... That doesn't mix well with the ND-male's NEED for time to engage in Special Interests.
I feel like the experience of the - Late-Diagnosis AuDHD (ASD-1 & ADHD) Hetero-Male - is, on average, the more painful and lonely experience.
😊
Depression is not a function of a lack of serotonin.
Chinese and Ayurveda medicines have been around for 1000s of years and are much better at working naturally with the human body.
I have used this personally for Advanced CPTSD, with great success as well as many others over the thousands of years.
😮
This stuff here !! Ir sending people tomscteam out of no where when i am at work because you think i hace PTSD !! Ir telling them to act sick !! This nedds to be fixed !! I never asked anyone to wach me !! A stalker stole my information and everything here is like bull shit younmade up !!
Stop over talking over your guest
well, that's a very ND thing (and he's very aware of that)
I can't keep up with this for the interruption it's such complex and important information, very frustrating. I would like to hear her speak uninterrupted.