it took me a long time to internalize that if you see a person harming another and you treat them both equally pleasantly, that's not the same thing as kindness
kindness doesn't care about the actions of the other person.. you can still be kind and expect nothing in return however.. kindness is actually selfish.. it makes you feel good to be kind
Niles B. That Is literally one of the most intelligent quotes I have ever read. I, myself, practice this everyday, and I really think that the majority of humanity needs to catch up, FAST!! If people respected each other, the world would be a better place...LITERALLY! Best, John
I had a coworker who lived by “be kind, not nice,” recognizing that sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to set a boundary or be honest
Nerd fact: There is a tortoise in World of Warcraft that is meditating about the nature of kindness. It tells you that real kindness is made up from compassion, patience and forgiveness that you exercise toward others, yourself and even fate. That one really touched me. I wasn't expecting something so profound in an MMO.
@@Robstafarian We can clearly see here there are good devs in the company who want to do their best with the game, and then there are shitty executives and managers who have forgotten humanity. And if I want to support one, I have to support the other, and I really can't say if that is ethical or not.
3:16 "I thought that there was no excuse for violence... ever" deep in the bowels of the internet, I found a good quote about this, "Its not that violence is never an option, its just that when it is, its the only option," no idea who originally made it, but it pretty accurate to the way I personally view violence
This video is very relatable but one part in particular smacked me in the face: "I thought that I had to say yes to everything to prove that I liked people." It's so damaging! I'm in therapy to correct thoughts and behaviors like this, it's definitely not just cruelty and violence that hurts us. Thank you.
That’s what people pleasing does I guess. You believe that doing anything to make someone upset is cruel even though it’s not, it’s just life and setting boundaries
There's an Isaac Asimov story about a robot that is accidentally created with the ability to read human emotions and so it reinterprets the First Law of Robotics (that a robot may not injure a human or through inaction allow a human to come to harm) to mean that it could not deliberately cause emotional harm. Because of this, it tells people things that make them feel better in the moment, but its pleasant lies ultimately cause greater damage in the future.
I feel like "Do no harm, take no shit" is very similar to "forgive, but don't forget". Being empathetic, for me, inevitably results in forgiving people if I'm able to really get why they did something, but if I forget then I will potentially let them hurt me the same way again. Ultimately, I think people only really hurt you when you're surprised. If you try to understand them and expect them to be themselves then you can still treat them with kindness without leaving yourself too open to hurt. When we forgive we can accept people, or choose not to, but if we also forget then we're accepting people for who we wish they were instead of who they are.
In the words of my favourite TV show "Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind." As you point out, being *nice* to people isn't the same as being kind. Sometimes kindness needs a bit of force to it. Sometimes kindness means going to the ends of the earth for somebody else, and sometimes it means walking away to look after yourself. Just as importantly, being 'nice' doesn't challenge anything, but kindness can honestly be revolutionary.
As a non native English speaker I have a linguistic question. Do you think that this difference in concepts of being nice and kind is something commonly understood or at least something people can easily understand and agree for those two words to have this slightly different meaning? It is a nuance that did not cross my mind. I guess it makes some sense because the word "nice" often means beautiful in a way that could be ascribed to a thing by outside observer. On the other hand I only heard kind to be used to denote a quality of deeds or character with regards to bring some desired, desirable or good effects for other person. In this sense I understand your distinction between being nice and being kind. As aiming to being nice may just stuck with making nice perception and appealing to what person wants to see while being kind would be considered as behaving in way that would hope to benefit the person in objective way. And a side question, is the adjective kind somehow related to the noun kind, meaning species, type etc? Well I am actually going to google that up but I left the question as a prompt for your curiosity. :)
It's really nice to hear someone else who went through struggles with rejection sensitivity, because it really puts into words what I have been through the past years. I personally as a kid was stuck in an extremely toxic group of people who constantly antagonized me, and yet I felt like if I said anything against it they would hate me. I had some ill-gotten belief that if I was nice enough, they would eventually turn face but the reality of it was, it wasn't getting better. Eventually the same exact realization about not taking shit happened. How could you care about kindness if you refuse to give it to yourself, and I left, and I think that is the single biggest improvement to my mental health I've ever experienced. I really do hope more people follow your advise, because ultimately do no harm has to include yourself. Keep up the amazing work! Anyways, oh my god you have a dog too?! I expect to see and learn all about them 😤
here in the balkans cruelty and violence is a normal part of culture so is gasslighting you cannot talk to someone without agression my family is insanely toxic and so have i become toxic due to living with them im poor i really wish i could leave my home
Ok so it appears you and I are twins? Everything you said is me exactly! I am just now (at age 36) learning that I was abused by my parents and it wasn't my fault. I am learning that people respect boundaries, not door mats. Ty for your comment, I feel less alone now❤ Take care of yourself
@@sarahwarnock2707 I am 37, and my mental health has improved tremendously since I cut off an emotionally-abusive friend last year; the sad part is less how long it took me to cut him off and more that I was surprised by said improvement.
@@Robstafarian I'm glad you are doing btr! It's hard to see in the moment how ppl can effect us. You did the right thing by cutting them out of your life❤
@@stevegruber4724 I have probably done that thousands of times in RPGs, often saying aloud: "How was I supposed to know [character] would be an asshole if I chose that?!" The Witcher 3 and Yakuza Zero leap to mind.
God this video is such a mood. I'm a guy but everything you said I related 100% with. I used to be the doormat who just wanted everyone but myself to be okay. That I didn't matter in the equation. When I first started enforcing my boundaries there was this big raging ball of anger and I'm ashamed that that was the only way people immediately respected my boundaries. But then I learned how to be kind in enforcing my boundaries, but also firm. I was patient when people crossed them, but reminded them that they crossed it. The good people, the ones who understood, never really crossed them again. The ones who didn't, well, I'm still learning to be okay with anger as a motivator to get them to at least reconsider acting shitty towards me. Though, my kneejerk reaction with those people is to try to cut them out of my life. Doesn't always work, especially with family. But I'm learning. Thanks for the video.
@Sauber Flote Honestly, thank you for responding. How do you deal with toxic people you can't cut out? Because I still feel guilt when enforcing my boundaries with those people. Especially when they're family.
When you said your niceness was tied up with anxiety and rejection sensitivity dysphoria, I felt that on a physical level lol. And “do no harm, but take no shit” is one of my favorite little mantras. I’m still unlearning my doormat behaviors, but that phrase has been a helpful reminder.
10+ years of working in an underpaid service based industry not only fixed my issues with being a people pleaser, but turned me into a take no shit and people-pisser-offer. This is who I am now.
@@nailati Yes exactly. I have been doing hair for 13ish years and the amount of people determined to be unhappy is insane. You essentially have to learn to have boundaries and how to speak up for yourself fast when working with the general public
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who had the stuffed animal issue (even still) and that getting rid of things people gave me would make them think I hate them. I still have anxiety and sadness over things I lost literally two decades ago that someone gave to me. Also, I legitimately have a sticker of "do no harm, but take no shit" on my laptop and I chose it to be on the inside so that I could always see it and be reminded. I don't like to say no to people, but I still can. My issue stems from always wanting to be helpful and be of use. I recognize it now as part of my lonely, only child upbringing and I got more attention if I was helpful. I am literally the mom of any group I am ever in and I think it's wild that it's taken me till recently to find out why I am this way. It even influenced the degree I chose to get and that I have no realized, I won't be using. I'll be using the fact that it's a bachelors to be able to pursue a masters in Library Sciences and I am so excited. I am still working on being kind to myself. It's been a long journey and I am happy that I'm seeing results (especially in the self love area). Once again, thank you for this video. It was truly insightful and reassuring that I'm not alone in these feelings and that someone else is on this path with me. :)
Everyone thinks their voice sounds bad in recordings. When you talk, your voice is conducted through the bones of your head to your inner ears, making it sound more pleasant and musical, so listening to recordings of your own voice sounds shockingly discordant and unpleasant. You don't sound terrible. You're just unconsciously expecting to sound unrealistically good and are unpleasantly surprised.
I am 65 and yes I still worry when my hanging plant Cleopatra was left outside overnight. I am currently reading Sax Rohmer's The Brood Of The Witch Queen which was one of Lovecraft's favourite novels and I recommend it to everyone wishing for a great book on a rainy day. Your poem and message were and are tremendous. Many thanks.
I have the same struggles with rejection sensitivity and this is basically exactly what Kristin Neff's research on self compassion says. I'm really happy you're helping spread the word and being vulnerable about your struggles and evolution. Thank you!
"You can't defeat a fascism regime with the power friendship" Anime Protagonists: "*Says Who?*" Anyway other than that joke, this was an excellent made video. Thank you so much for this :)
@@fafo867 Pretty much :/ And the kind folks aren't the ones that want to be violent so.... kinda makes it easy to see how fascism can spread if it isn't actively fought against by peoples.
I get a bit stressed by how much people aren't honest with each other, which seems to imply the problem is with people being evil and deceiving but there's also the problem of people not stating their boundaries, their likes and dislikes, because of fear of rejection, because of kindness or because of tradition, and the thing that stresses me out the most is that I can't really blame them, I can only hope I can be of any help (and I didn't even talk about people not even knowing what their boundaries are and what they want cause they've been conditioned to believe things are a certain way and to not question stuff, in which case trying to do anything will result in everyone thinking you are dismissing what people say and feel). (PS. why should I care you may ask? People can act how they want, if they want to make life difficult for themselves it's their problem, well I might not be old but I have enough experience to understand that life gets better if people around you live better lives)
Thanks, Zoe! 💖 I feel this pretty deeply in my bones. I'm autistic and I have a ton of social anxiety and still struggle to find the line where I don't care about someone's opinion of me or that they're not worth pursuing relationships with. I'm at a place where I can not worry about the opinions of literal nazis leaving comments on my videos or swarming me on Twitter. But then I really struggled when a discord for disabled creators recently kicked me out (without even talking to me) because of things I said in my cancel culture video. I know logically that if they're circling the wagons and kicking people without even talking to those people, what they're creating isn't actually a safe space, and I'm probably better off. But it's hard to get the emotional part of my brain to come along with what I know is a rational response.
Are you me? People always tell me that I’m super nice & approachable - and i suppose that aligns with my personal values in a lot of cases. Im very much a hippy, pacifist, vegetarian type, so that label very much vibes with me 😅 But yeah.. the darker side to this is that I’m often afraid of taking up too much space in a lot of situations. In fact, I think the original reason I became nice was in response to my own rejection sensitivity too. Like yeah, I’m “nice” because that aligns with my pacifist, hippy values or whatever. But I’m also nice to protect myself. After all, how could a person reject me if I’m hyper attuned to their needs, even if it comes at the cost of looking out for myself? This was so so so relatable. Thanks for sharing. I agree, being kind isn’t just being nice. It’s having boundaries and sticking of them.
That was wonderful, thank you! As an introvert, people take it for granted that your a doormat, unwilling, and unable to stand up for yourself. And... I have the habit of internalizing things until I explode. But when I learned to take a stand, to speak up, to show a display of willpower, people around me changed. They started to afford me more respect than they had previously. It's a sad truth that people equate quiet with weakness.
I had the same reaction as you when people told me I had a soothing voice. I think it's because we're never just, like, yelling at the camera. #IndoorVoicesCrew
Oh damn. I was so stressed over hoarding cards as a kid, and often when it came down to clearing out space I'd put decades old cards above things I actually wanted to keep. As for the being kind to yourself, I've had to start asking why am I special? Not in a "how dare you think you are good at something" but more in a "what makes you the exception? What makes you special that you don't deserve basic respect or human rights or kindness?" Still definitely struggle with it, but I feel like I'm slowly getting through to myself, even if the answer a lot of times still is "Because I'm me, and as me, I'm different."
I'm really glad I saw this. I've only recently acknowledged to myself that I have been emotionally abused, to a traumatic extent, and I have to allow myself to know this and not question it endlessly anymore. It's been really hard to not give up on taking care of myself, but also to be compassionate with the people I know will never treat me fairly. I also have to remember to not affirm my impulses endlessly, as that's part of the damage they gave me. I just have to walk back from the edge every time. So this video is really important in confirming I've been making progress, as it's always been hard to see in myself for me. Thank you 💛
Yes, this is a very valuable lesson. I myself sometimes fall into the trap of being too "kind" and it's sometimes not an appropriate reaction for either party involved. I had not formulated it like that but I think I'll adopt the "take to shit" principle :) I still believe that being too kind is better than not being kind enough, but let us not be trampled upon.
I didn't like Golden Crisp as a kid but I remember I got sad once because I felt bad for the mascot. I thought, all they were trying to do was bring joy into my life. So I ate the cereal even though I thought it was gross, I wanted to cheer up the mascot. I haven't thought about this since but your stuffed animal story reminded me of it .
This video hits so close to home! My grandmother's dying words to her children were "be nice," and it's become a mantra for some members of my family. Be nice and don't speak up when others are bullied, don't complain when others take advantage of you, don't fight for what's right. Looking back, I remember how "nice" my grandparents were, and how their inaction allowed for my cousins, aunts, and uncles to systematically exclude and bully my brothers and me. Well, my new mantra is that being nice isn't the same as being kind, and sometimes you have to be mean to some people to be kind when it counts.
I hear you on the RSD thing. Our 'no' is important, and we're every bit as entitled to it as anyone else. For me, the people-pleasing instinct manifested fairly early on in clowning behaviour, as is pretty common in AMAB kids with ADHD. But clowning doesn't really lead to kindness. Sadly, being snarky and sarcastic and a bit mean was more reinforced in me than kindness from an early age, and it took a long time to unlearn that stuff. And sometimes I go too far the other way and find myself a bit of a doormat. I always try to engage people with the best intentions, while recognising when the attitude isn't mutual, and responding in the best way to protect myself. It's a struggle. "Do no harm, but take no shit" is fantastic. Don't know where you got it from but I'm going to remember it.
Love this video! Learning how to turn my empathy inward has honestly been so healing for me. Sometimes I literally visualize 2 versions of myself- one that's feeling upset and one that's listening to the first one and offering patience and empathy.
100% same. I felt so guilty about finding some of my plushies kinda ugly! My "kindness is key and will solve everything" period has been over for a while but I still struggle with rejection sensitivity.
In High School, after a long, deep conversation where we both talked a lot about our struggles and trauma, a friend of mine sent me a picture of his copy of Angels in America, with the following quote underlined: "You have a good heart and you think the good thing is to be guilty and kind always but it's not always kind to be gentle and soft, there's a genuine violence softness and weakness visit on people. Sometimes self-interested is the most generous thing you can be. You ought to think about that." And there's scarcely been a day since that I didn't.
I'm only 2 minutes into the video, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. I prefer to be liked and appreciated by my peers out of fear that something bad will happen if I'm disliked. That being said, your voice is calming, I even fell asleep to your voice the other day it was so calm.
Kindness towards oneself can be really, really hard. It's an important lesson to learn and, for many of us, it's a very difficult one to apply. Thank you so, so much for putting this out there.
Wonderful wee video ! I related to this a lot, particularly about being kind to myself as well as others. I really struggle to reach out to myself for check-ins when it's an automatic thought with others. I have never been a 'doormat' as you put it, but I think that's sort of because I'm a dude, I think there's a really interesting aspect of kindness and expectations of kindness that women are simply just expected to be more kind than men. I used to go to sleep really upset with myself if I felt that I hadn't been kind enough to someone, and while I don't think it's an issue to think about your actions and reflect on whether or not you could have been kinder, it really shouldn't have been keeping me up at night.
Anyone else always try to get the good ending in video games? I like physically cannot be mean to video game characters when the option presents itself lmao I feel bad doing it even though they're not real
Oh yes, all the time. That's why I've never bought into the "games make people violent" anecdote. And after thoroughly beating a game I'll go back through and try to get the bad ending but I often find myself slipping back into kindness during it. Hard to resist...
I have always been angered by games, such as Shenmue, which do not allow me to treat characters well (poor Nozomi). Funnily enough, another example is Yakuza Zero (the first of the Yakuza games I have played, which are essentially spiritual successors to the Shenmue series). EDIT: I recommend Undertale.
@@Robstafarian Ah yes, Nozomi. I assume you're talking about Yuki in Yakuza 0? It's the only one I've played but it annoyed me that the game wouldn't let me treat her as well as I wanted to.
That you so much for posting this. I definitely relate on so many fronts and I've been trying to be less of a doormat lately. It's really hard when your brain tells you that you HAVE to do these things to be safe, but seeing that I'm not the only one fighting this battle is incredibly comforting. Please give your animals some scratches from us❤
I really felt this, Zoe; thank you. I was actually re-watching Perks of Being A Wallflower the other night and this quote stuck with me: “You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” Seems to line up really nicely with everything you’ve said here 💛
Very close to what you said regarding taking care of yourself: Being kind takes effort and energy. That means that it's a resource that should be used wisely and on the important things (what is important is for each one to decide). Ultimately, taking care of yourself and not depleting your resources will let you be able to be the best version of yourself when it matters.
I actually was that way… all my life. I kept telling people “if you’re mean to the oppressors they’ll use that as justification to keep oppressing us!” Then I learned more. As a queer person, with a brother who has brown skin and who is gay, who had to fight for his rights and was ousted by his family for being gay… just existing is reason enough for them to oppress. Being nice won’t make them oppress us less. It’s just us being obedient and civil while we lay our heads down on the chopping block like good little sinners. Being good is always, ALWAYS a virtue. So I reframed goodness as the goal, not kindness. Being a good person sometimes means beating up an angry, violent bigot. Sometimes it means humiliating them. Sometimes it means vandalizing government property. Sometimes it means rioting against the police. If you are kind and good and civil to someone who wants you eradicated, you really, REALLY should reevaluate your perspective on kindness. Happy Pride, ACAB, stop police brutality, be gay do crime, and protect trans children 🏳️⚧️.
As a recovering people-pleaser I fully appreciate this video. "Do no harm, but take no shit." That hit home with me. Kindness is quite different from being nice. I actually talked about this with my Abnormal Psychology students. Certainly there is nothing wrong with helping people, provided we are coming from a place of "giving from abundance"--where we are fully supporting ourselves and don't feel that we lack anything so that we may give freely. If we are people-pleasing, however, then that is always coming from a perceived lack of our own inherent value. Essentially we are saying to ourselves "I am only worthy of love if I do everything for everyone". That was indeed my inner narrative, but I am re-writing the script, so to speak. Keep being kind.
I'm the exact same way. It took a long time for me to realize that a lot of others don't think this way. I became a chronic people pleaser and am struggling to break away from it despite how much it has hurt me in the past.
I love this. This is something I too realized. I do wonder though if everyone is kinda like this to a point until something happens in their life to change it though. I suppose the exceptions would be people incapable of empathy from birth, but other then them I wonder if everyone was once like this maybe a long long time ago. And then they instead of having balance got rid of the whole do no harm part in favour of taking no sh*t. I know as a child I was definitely teetering on that with some things because I kept being kind and kept getting hurt as a direct result of my kindness and almost gave up and I wonder if most people do simply give up.
i also struggle with these things, as i'm assuming many who are watching do. accepting compliments is also something i struggle with, mainly the internal thought of "humility" that actually lead more to self loathing than real humility. now, even if i disagree with a compliment someone has given me, i'll still try to say thank you. like, the 2 non blood related people closest to me both tell me that i'm the sweetest and most kind person they've ever met, and while i'm glad i'm seen as kind, i still find it very hard to believe that that's not a hyperbolic statement. you make amazing content with amazing lessons, and it's very nice to see this comment section be kind too, thank you
my english teacher in 10th grade summed it up best to me: "you're strongest and weakest trait is that you are selfless". I still see saying "no" as rude sometimes and i too have felt like a rug getting walked on a lot my whole life. i'm still working on having my own agency, while at the same time realizing that i have to be nice to myself, too. 10th grade me would have killed to see this video 7 years ago, knowing that it isn't just a "me" thing, and truly understanding what being kind is. thank you for this. i just recently discovered your content and it has been some of the most comforting and knowledgeable content i have seen in a while.
Growing up, I was made to feel, directly or otherwise, that kindness is something I should give others unconditionally, but could never ask for. I cried a little watching this video, thanks for making it. These were words I needed to hear.
Hi! I loved this thoughtful video. Your mantra is spot on. I have a synonymous one: I don’t ever want to hurt anyone and I won’t ever let anyone hurt me. Yours is definitely the better mantra. Anyway, I’ve got a similar nature to you and it’s resulted in all kinds of disappointments when I neglected to set proper boundaries with people I thought I could trust. I’m middle aged now and until recently had been a slow learner about how certain people target, manipulate, and discard nice, empathetic people with poor boundary setting skills . . . and you’re right, it’s not like they are being outright vindictive. Being human is hard and messy, some people are naturally more self-centered, impulsive, angry, or afraid . . . people who act like jerks do so as a survival instinct for past emotional wounds. It would be easy to just give up on people in frustration, but the key to overcoming bitterness is to ensure kindness, as you said, is something you show to others as well as yourself in a workable balance. I have a young daughter I’ve been left to raise, very happily, on my own. I already see the empathy and natural kindness she’s inherited from me and I make every effort to not only nurture this positive quality, but balance it with the support and self-confidence she needs to feel comfortable expressing herself, enjoying independence, and being able to say No!
“A little chat“ Nono! That is a BIG chat! He purrs very loud and I love! Thank you for the words of affirmation. It helps to be told that while our want to be kind and gracious, it is to ourselves we have to extend those same gifts to ourselves.
ok i also really enjoy listening to you, both your voice and style is really calming and engaging for me ^_^ next, thankyou to Sauber for the captions, i only sometimes use them but i know that other people do more often, and when i do i'm really glad to find them. next, i am also very scared of rejection, very concerned of how people view me. or i should say "i used to be", because thatxs apparently a mindset hack? anyway, i saw all those motivational "diagrams" of how much i care what others think of me vs how much they think of me; or that everyone is so scared that others will judge that they have no time to judge others...did not help. what did in fact help was 1, realizing that others don't know my insecurities as well as i do, e.g if i have an issue with a feature of mine, i know the angle to look at it from, etc etc, others never see me through those eyes and especially the history i have with myself. and 2, seeig many many people on tiktok who wanted to say something smart nd still started by apologizing for their looks. oh, and very recently, 3, i recalled some times of my life i'd been deliberately not caring for being judged and just doing what i wanted (until it was actually a safe thing. and they were pretty mild, like going out in pajama top for ice cream on the corner; or standing up to dance in a reataurant wih a bunch of ppl already dancing). bc i've been regarded as the weird kid, and because i've been told so many times that im embarrassing. (and i still don't quite understand why, it might be willful ignorance? but i was really trying) and it actually feels super weird to type all this out, i don't really want to post it but this is not tiktok, most people won't ever see this or care to find out who i am (i hope haha). so thank you for this video because it was a difficult thing to go through and yet so easy to summarise, thanks for the chance to reflect on all this 🤍
I've gone through similar things, I've been told by my friends I was too nice in the past and I know I still am at times. I didn't want anyone to feel badly, ever. I always wanted to be kind, but when it comes to it, that also means being kind to ourselves. It's hard to treat ourselves with the same love and care we treat everyone else, and it's okay to put limits on things to give ourselves the care we need in order not to do harm to ourselves.
I’m grew up a lot like you describe yourself; a people pleaser, a pacifist, terrified of rejection and find it difficult to see others hurting if there’s nothing I can do to fix it. It led me to ending up with someone that I should have run away from in an effort to “save them” after leaving this abusive relationship I swung the other way. I avoided people I loved, instigated arguments and lashed out in a bid to protect myself because I’d been stripped bare. I was hurting and I was vulnerable. It’s taken time and I’m definitely not always great at it but I’ve found, for the most part, a healthy balance. Compassion with boundaries. Empathy with reality. I like to think of Gabrielle from the show Xena when, after she gave up her pledge of pacifism to save her friend and Xena apologises for making her leave that path and she says “sometimes, when push comes to shove, the only option is to shove back”
You are very wise, kind and insightful woman and Om glad I stumbled onto your channel. Being kind to self is where I’m at now finally at age 63. You’re so right about that 💕
This is literally the exact teaching style that I have. Appeasing everyone and being well liked. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I also say yes to everything. Kindness to myself always took a backseat to kindness to others. Changing is hard. It's been especially hard for me since coming out because I'm trying to be seen as male... but I don't want to come off as scary or intimidating to my students. Even though I'm being viewed as more masculine every day, it is very hard to grow a backbone and stand up for myself.
I value this channel a lot - as you said in the beginning obviously the personality you bring is a big part of it for a lot of people and I agree with that, but for me the biggest part is simply the effort you clearly put into your content. TL;DR - Kindness is important, but its easy to have too much of a good thing. I grew up with very altruistic and perhaps passive values. While I don't resent those values and continue to hold them, I've learned that its not always that simple. My previous passiveness has led me to be either used as a foil, or spoken about behind my back, possibly due to the suspicion of my demeanour being a front for suppressed resentment. When I began to become aware of these pitfalls I developed addiction and eventually psychosis influenced on one hand by my compartmentalizing of my opinions as unwanted, and on the other hand developing contempt for anyone that I perceived to exhibit even a hint of any "-ism". I decided to seek help once this split-psyche began to manifest as delusions of grandeur. Since entering recovery, I've learned the value of self-care. Being mixed, I no longer submit to anyone saying I'm "too light to speak on mixed issues" (unless I'm out of my lane), or "not alabaster enough" to engage in 'alabaster activities'. I'll also consider who is saying it - I'll take the time to explain my identity or my music library to a person of colour, but I'm not willing to justify and explain bare basics to an alabaster person who thinks I'm breaking alabaster solidarity. Not everybody can get my time or effort. I'll gladly educate someone who is seeking information, but I won't waste my day talking to a brick wall without getting paid. I still try to be warm with anyone I meet, but I also reserve the right to leave the space and cut them from my life. I don't think the worst of strangers, but I no longer think the best of strangers either. These days I think both respect and contempt are earned - I never seek conflict, but I won't roll over. I will preserve my dignity (non-violently).
Wow thanks for sharing this Zoe. Really good point. I did a lot of that stuff as a kid too, but I also evolved in my thinking along your lines, and now I intentionally prioritize my own needs. And honor non "nice" ways of expressing yourself.
It's nice to see that someone struggles with such problems and I'm grateful that you share your experience with us. Thank you I have problems with hanging out with people in general and maybe because of this I'm scared of being rejected and loose a bunch of people that I already have. And that's why I'm always trying to help people and be nice with them, even when it can make harm, like I remember halping a girl with some work at the university so that she wouldn't get kicked from there, but at the same time I couldn't see any will to learn there in her. I did it more to make her feel better, but now I realize that it may be better for her to leave there. It would have been unpleasant of course, but maybe better for her
This is such a difficult thing for people to accomplish. It’s almost the same as “talk quietly and carry a big stick”. Everyone is different, for those more aggressive like myself, take the time to be peaceful and calm, for those more passive, strive to “take no shit” by being head on in times of adversity against yourself and others. We can all take something from this, regardless of our own personality’s.
Thanks for the video. I've struggled for most of my life with being kind and your little motto "Do no harm and take no shit" has really put in perspective that I need to care about myself. Thanks again and I look forward to your next video.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your trauma and the growth you've achieved beyond simply recovering. It is an incredible gift you're offering to us with each video.
Describing yourself was very familiar to how I have felt about my own life. The one glaring difference is that I do not try to portray myself as happy. I am sad, a lot. I am angry, a lot. I feel put upon and tired. I do not hide this, but I make sure that everyone knows that despite this, I push on. Kindness in spite of hardship. Getting people to enjoy my grumpiness. Making a laugh out of my depression.
I identify a lot with you. I've never heard of "rejection sensitive dysphoria" before I watched this video. Shed's some light on what I was going through in adolescence and early adulthood. Thanks for sharing, keep the videos coming. They certainly have been helpful to me.
Growing up an only child that went to church regularly, it was always the expectation to be the 'good' child. To do what adults told you, to give someone else the bigger slice of the pie, and/or to mediate and prevent arguments and fights. I thought I was going to die a martyr for someone else. Once I got into middle school, it started affecting my mental health. I was doing these kind things, yet I never felt these actions returned. I treated people as I wanted to be treated, but if no one treated me like that, then I must have been worthless. The closest I had was and still is a friend that, even though rumors spread and never stopped about us being in a relationship, we stuck together. His friendship meant more to me than the opinions of anyone too dense to listen to me. Those rumors did affect me a lot more than it affected him, though (me being a cis female and him realizing in high school that he was gay). I was and still am cripplingly lonely, but I also know how easily some would see it as an easy opportunity to manipulate my emotions to do whatever they want.
I've always found that calling someone genuine/authentic on youtube comes as a double edged sword for the creator. Yes, it's nice to hear that when you set out to explain something you truly believe in, the audience respond to that, but I also see the pressure that it can hold. Something akin to impostor syndrome, where you'd feel almost frightened that your maybe misleading people with how you phrase a position, or maybe feeling that pressure in editing when you don't know if cutting a bit out makes it less genuine, or when you're more shy in person and when the way you express yourself online is called genuine you feel like a fraud. At least, I know that I would have that particular difficulty. That's why I prefer to say I really enjoy your content. I enjoy the ideas you discuss and the centring of kindness to your videos, and I really like how you talk about the downsides to kindness, because my experience with some quite difficult things in my life has also led me to confuse things like being used as a doormat/punching bag with kindness. That's why I really like your conspiracy theory video, because it focuses on being kind to the person and not giving them the kind of judgement that often pushes them to more isolated places, but also stresses that this is a difficult thing to do and that it's not your responsibility to do so. Still, I think I'm someone who will far surpass what is reasonably okay for me, and by going past my personal limits I can often get hurt because I find it hard to value myself as much as I do others, and I'm trying to work on that. This video has really helped highlight that for me and put into words something I've been struggling with, thank you.
I really appreciate this video. It speaks to who I've been for a lot of my life. Constantly being afraid to make people upset and that meaning that I was always the "good kid". I'm trying very hard to work on that both in my professional life and also in confronting people who say shitty things around me. It's hard, but it's easier knowing that other people are dealing with and working on the same things
Im currently growing beyond this way of thinking, and it is extremely painful. To take my kindness away from other people even if they dont deserve it in order to give it to myself feels like a crime. It feels like im actively giving into being a bad person. Moreover, I don't have a solid support system, so I have to navigate this path on my own, at least for now. Videos like these help immensely. Thank you for posting this ❤️
You and I are extremely similar (at least I believe based on this video) in terms of trying not to hurt anybody. I struggle with people pleasing and can't help but want to make everyone happy all the time. I ended up sacrificing myself many times because of it. Thank you for this video. It helps me realize I am not alone.
Another great video. I think you really touched on something I have felt. I still have all the cards I have received, and did the same stuffed animal rotation. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am not alone, trapped in these feelings. Thank you.
So, as someone that has worked on their voice a lot and has learned a thing or two about accent modification and vocal performance, I think your voice is very soothing, and I think I can somewhat explain how. The most important parts to my ear are the parts that convey emotion and emphasis. You have a very musical lilt, and there's a lot of variety to it. When you emphasise a syllable, you almost never land on it in any kind of aggressive way. Some people stop hard on a syllable, but you don't. Instead of shortening the emphasised syllables, you elongate them. I noticed a few ways you do this: - up inflection, like a question: 0:34 "I sound like a 13-year-*old*" - vocal fry, softening the deeper notes: 0:37 "thank you all for all of those kind *words*" - breathiness (this is the most soothing part to my ears): 0:40 "what I want to talk about to*day*" Based on what you said in the rest of the video, it seems like these are all ways you've developed to get your point across in the most non-confrontational way possible, and you've been very effective at it. It all combines to give the impression that you are relaxed and that the environment is calm and safe. Nobody's barking out their words and creating a bunch of stress. As for why you think you sound like a 13 year old, I imagine it's the slightly nasal twang you have, which honestly I think most people have to some degree. It also sounds like it's connected to your Appalachian roots and the twang that's in that accent. It's not that big of a deal, the timbre of your voice is only a very small part of how it's percieved, and honestly it can be kind of charming. Finally I wonder why you might think your voice is grating. To me it sounds like you're constricting your throat sometimes when you talk, especially on the higher notes like when you said "13-year-*old*". This also sounds non-confrontational in that it's hesitant, like you're holding back and not using your full voice, but it also conveys some stress which can sound grating. If you want to work on this you can try opening your throat by thrusting your jaw slightly forward. I find that doing this makes my voice sound less constricted, giving it more power and boom. It gives me more control so I can speak more easily without pushing so much with my diaphram, which paradoxically also lets me speak more calmly and quietly. As a bonus, my singing is like 1000% better with this technique, in all registers. I hope this was helpful and not just a bunch of unsolicited advice! I love your work, and I personally think you're very easy to listen to.
I think I am at about the same point mentally as you are. It has taken me all my life to do it and by the gods, is it tough. Kindness is the hardest thing to give to yourself, yet the most needed. ❤❤
A bit ago I wrote a paper for a sociology class it was about families and Utopias with that said upbringing is particularly important when it comes to learning kindness and it's aspects are something you learn overtime it doesn't happen immediately because of this it can be easy sometimes to do harm and hurt because kindness needs to be learned I don't thinking we have enough of it Everyone is different it's hard to be kind but usually I think it's worth it Great video thanks
I'm reminded of a sermon I once heard on the commandment to "love thy neighbour as thyself", and how it means that you should love yourself - a similar concept that has stuck with me.
So now, i really understand why i was so ingaged in your content & at the same time a bit perplexed. I was exactly like you & i fall in depression because of this. Now i'm still nice, but not because i want people to like me but because i think every one is a complexe being. At the same time i protect myself more, i got limits & value to help me understand when i have to say no. Thanks for this video.
Yeah, I hear you. It took me a while to understand that kindness and friendliness and being, as you put it, 'a doormat', isn't the end-all-be-all. I am friendly now, and I do try to be accepting, but also uncompromising. Kind, yes, at least I try to, but not at any cost, not with everything, and not beyond certain limits. Empathy to all, kindness to those that need soothing, but a standing straight up in front of injustice, I think. No idea if I am making sense. Or if I am conveying what I think in a way that transmits it across.
I kind of felt like this resonated with some of what you discuss here: in Dr. Gabor Mate's book When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress he talks about how the technicians who administer the diagnostic test for... I think it was ALS, had a shockingly high percentage of correct guesses about which subjects actually had ALS (and this was before noticeable symptoms had developed). They didn't predict based on anything other than realizing over years that the majority of people who developed ALS were exceptionally nice. Which in these cases also meant people pleasing, putting others' needs above their own, not expressing their own negative emotions, etc. It's not that being kind makes one sick - it's that the physiological burden of carrying around stress for years because of that kind of excessive kindness can be very bad for your health.
I have a similar path to you. I'm still learning how to say no. Still learning how to make a decision that other people may disagree with. We got this!
it took me a long time to internalize that if you see a person harming another and you treat them both equally pleasantly, that's not the same thing as kindness
Omg! I have to write that down! So obvious but genius!
UNDERRATED FUCKING COMMENT
I had to re read that... Holy shit thanks
I think this misses the entire point of kindness. You should be pleasant with everyone. Just remember to be firm in your convictions as well.
kindness doesn't care about the actions of the other person.. you can still be kind and expect nothing in return
however.. kindness is actually selfish.. it makes you feel good to be kind
"Do No Harm; Take No Shit" will now be the driving force in my life for several months.
Niles B. That Is literally one of the most intelligent quotes I have ever read. I, myself, practice this everyday, and I really think that the majority of humanity needs to catch up, FAST!! If people respected each other, the world would be a better place...LITERALLY!
Best,
John
I love how you implied it’ll be a driving force for not even a year just months
I had a coworker who lived by “be kind, not nice,” recognizing that sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to set a boundary or be honest
^^^ This. Boundaries are incredibly important.
Rachel Hall, I ABSOLUTELY agree with your coworker!
Best,
John
E x a c t l y
DING DING DING DING
And sometimes they need a slap over the head with a book like the dadojejingkabing. Don’t worry, it’s a soft cover
When the kitty purr picks up on the mic 🧡💛🧡💛
Nerd fact:
There is a tortoise in World of Warcraft that is meditating about the nature of kindness.
It tells you that real kindness is made up from compassion, patience and forgiveness that you exercise toward others, yourself and even fate.
That one really touched me. I wasn't expecting something so profound in an MMO.
That message brought to you by the people who gave you: "Do you people not have phones?" and "a tough Hearthstone esports moment."
@@Robstafarian We can clearly see here there are good devs in the company who want to do their best with the game, and then there are shitty executives and managers who have forgotten humanity. And if I want to support one, I have to support the other, and I really can't say if that is ethical or not.
Dang. I really gotta start reading the text. Usually I just instantly click accept quest and then head to the quest marker xD
god i'm glad i'm not the only one who felt too bad to throw away cards and gave my stuffed animals turns
ME TOO!!!
I thought I was the only one too!
same
same here
Me too!
Me: "I feel like-"
Everyone: "No, you don't."
Lesson learned: I don't have feelings. Ahh, growing up was such a joy.
Ooof! I felt that!
I also felt that!
stop that hurts you're HURTING ME
Felt.
LMAO
3:16 "I thought that there was no excuse for violence... ever"
deep in the bowels of the internet, I found a good quote about this, "Its not that violence is never an option, its just that when it is, its the only option," no idea who originally made it, but it pretty accurate to the way I personally view violence
This video is very relatable but one part in particular smacked me in the face: "I thought that I had to say yes to everything to prove that I liked people." It's so damaging! I'm in therapy to correct thoughts and behaviors like this, it's definitely not just cruelty and violence that hurts us. Thank you.
That’s what people pleasing does I guess. You believe that doing anything to make someone upset is cruel even though it’s not, it’s just life and setting boundaries
"Kindness is about you, too." -- 😭😭😭😭😭
s a m e oh my GOD
let's cry together
😭 😭 😭
There's an Isaac Asimov story about a robot that is accidentally created with the ability to read human emotions and so it reinterprets the First Law of Robotics (that a robot may not injure a human or through inaction allow a human to come to harm) to mean that it could not deliberately cause emotional harm. Because of this, it tells people things that make them feel better in the moment, but its pleasant lies ultimately cause greater damage in the future.
I feel like "Do no harm, take no shit" is very similar to "forgive, but don't forget". Being empathetic, for me, inevitably results in forgiving people if I'm able to really get why they did something, but if I forget then I will potentially let them hurt me the same way again. Ultimately, I think people only really hurt you when you're surprised. If you try to understand them and expect them to be themselves then you can still treat them with kindness without leaving yourself too open to hurt. When we forgive we can accept people, or choose not to, but if we also forget then we're accepting people for who we wish they were instead of who they are.
"my patience is infinite, but my memory is longer" - someone wiser than me, because my memory is shit and my patience grows thinner every day
In the words of my favourite TV show "Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind." As you point out, being *nice* to people isn't the same as being kind. Sometimes kindness needs a bit of force to it. Sometimes kindness means going to the ends of the earth for somebody else, and sometimes it means walking away to look after yourself. Just as importantly, being 'nice' doesn't challenge anything, but kindness can honestly be revolutionary.
Words to live by
As a non native English speaker I have a linguistic question. Do you think that this difference in concepts of being nice and kind is something commonly understood or at least something people can easily understand and agree for those two words to have this slightly different meaning? It is a nuance that did not cross my mind. I guess it makes some sense because the word "nice" often means beautiful in a way that could be ascribed to a thing by outside observer. On the other hand I only heard kind to be used to denote a quality of deeds or character with regards to bring some desired, desirable or good effects for other person. In this sense I understand your distinction between being nice and being kind. As aiming to being nice may just stuck with making nice perception and appealing to what person wants to see while being kind would be considered as behaving in way that would hope to benefit the person in objective way. And a side question, is the adjective kind somehow related to the noun kind, meaning species, type etc? Well I am actually going to google that up but I left the question as a prompt for your curiosity. :)
It's really nice to hear someone else who went through struggles with rejection sensitivity, because it really puts into words what I have been through the past years. I personally as a kid was stuck in an extremely toxic group of people who constantly antagonized me, and yet I felt like if I said anything against it they would hate me. I had some ill-gotten belief that if I was nice enough, they would eventually turn face but the reality of it was, it wasn't getting better. Eventually the same exact realization about not taking shit happened. How could you care about kindness if you refuse to give it to yourself, and I left, and I think that is the single biggest improvement to my mental health I've ever experienced. I really do hope more people follow your advise, because ultimately do no harm has to include yourself. Keep up the amazing work!
Anyways, oh my god you have a dog too?! I expect to see and learn all about them 😤
here in the balkans cruelty and violence is a normal part of culture so is gasslighting you cannot talk to someone without agression my family is insanely toxic and so have i become toxic due to living with them im poor i really wish i could leave my home
Ok so it appears you and I are twins? Everything you said is me exactly!
I am just now (at age 36) learning that I was abused by my parents and it wasn't my fault. I am learning that people respect boundaries, not door mats.
Ty for your comment, I feel less alone now❤
Take care of yourself
That's exactly how my BPD feels like..
@@sarahwarnock2707 I am 37, and my mental health has improved tremendously since I cut off an emotionally-abusive friend last year; the sad part is less how long it took me to cut him off and more that I was surprised by said improvement.
@@Robstafarian I'm glad you are doing btr! It's hard to see in the moment how ppl can effect us. You did the right thing by cutting them out of your life❤
I feel like I'm being called out for rolling back game saves because I accidentally clicked the less friendly dialogue option with an NPC.
meh, i've done that 'cuz in my head the line was snarky, then the character delivers it all mean, and I'm like "whoa turbo! I wanted sass not salt"
Save scumming is love.
@@stevegruber4724 I have probably done that thousands of times in RPGs, often saying aloud: "How was I supposed to know [character] would be an asshole if I chose that?!" The Witcher 3 and Yakuza Zero leap to mind.
@@stevegruber4724 Love that "I wanted sass, not salt!"
God this video is such a mood. I'm a guy but everything you said I related 100% with. I used to be the doormat who just wanted everyone but myself to be okay. That I didn't matter in the equation. When I first started enforcing my boundaries there was this big raging ball of anger and I'm ashamed that that was the only way people immediately respected my boundaries. But then I learned how to be kind in enforcing my boundaries, but also firm. I was patient when people crossed them, but reminded them that they crossed it. The good people, the ones who understood, never really crossed them again. The ones who didn't, well, I'm still learning to be okay with anger as a motivator to get them to at least reconsider acting shitty towards me. Though, my kneejerk reaction with those people is to try to cut them out of my life. Doesn't always work, especially with family. But I'm learning. Thanks for the video.
@Sauber Flote Honestly, thank you for responding. How do you deal with toxic people you can't cut out? Because I still feel guilt when enforcing my boundaries with those people. Especially when they're family.
Facts bro. I feel u
When you said your niceness was tied up with anxiety and rejection sensitivity dysphoria, I felt that on a physical level lol. And “do no harm, but take no shit” is one of my favorite little mantras. I’m still unlearning my doormat behaviors, but that phrase has been a helpful reminder.
10+ years of working in an underpaid service based industry not only fixed my issues with being a people pleaser, but turned me into a take no shit and people-pisser-offer. This is who I am now.
Oh my god, yes. So many people THRIVE on being impossible to please, especially if it gives them the opportunity to bully a service worker.
@@nailati Yes exactly. I have been doing hair for 13ish years and the amount of people determined to be unhappy is insane. You essentially have to learn to have boundaries and how to speak up for yourself fast when working with the general public
You are toxic
@@turtleboy1188 Don’t ya knooow that you’re toxiiic 🎶🎶🎶🎻🎻.🎻🎻🎻
Yes
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who had the stuffed animal issue (even still) and that getting rid of things people gave me would make them think I hate them. I still have anxiety and sadness over things I lost literally two decades ago that someone gave to me.
Also, I legitimately have a sticker of "do no harm, but take no shit" on my laptop and I chose it to be on the inside so that I could always see it and be reminded. I don't like to say no to people, but I still can. My issue stems from always wanting to be helpful and be of use. I recognize it now as part of my lonely, only child upbringing and I got more attention if I was helpful. I am literally the mom of any group I am ever in and I think it's wild that it's taken me till recently to find out why I am this way. It even influenced the degree I chose to get and that I have no realized, I won't be using. I'll be using the fact that it's a bachelors to be able to pursue a masters in Library Sciences and I am so excited.
I am still working on being kind to myself. It's been a long journey and I am happy that I'm seeing results (especially in the self love area). Once again, thank you for this video. It was truly insightful and reassuring that I'm not alone in these feelings and that someone else is on this path with me. :)
"Wanting to be helpful and be of use" is practically my schtick. I hope that you continue to treat yourself well, as I endeavor to do myself.
Love this! Go get that masters👍🏼
Everyone thinks their voice sounds bad in recordings. When you talk, your voice is conducted through the bones of your head to your inner ears, making it sound more pleasant and musical, so listening to recordings of your own voice sounds shockingly discordant and unpleasant. You don't sound terrible. You're just unconsciously expecting to sound unrealistically good and are unpleasantly surprised.
I am 65 and yes I still worry when my hanging plant Cleopatra was left outside overnight. I am
currently reading Sax Rohmer's The Brood Of The Witch Queen which was one of Lovecraft's favourite novels and I recommend it to everyone wishing for a great book on a rainy day. Your poem and message were and are tremendous. Many thanks.
I have the same struggles with rejection sensitivity and this is basically exactly what Kristin Neff's research on self compassion says. I'm really happy you're helping spread the word and being vulnerable about your struggles and evolution. Thank you!
thank you for sharing this!! “do no harm, but take no shit” is gonna be my new motto ❤️
"You can't defeat a fascism regime with the power friendship"
Anime Protagonists: "*Says Who?*"
Anyway other than that joke, this was an excellent made video. Thank you so much for this :)
Wait, friendship _isn't_ magic?!? :^O
*the power of friendship, and this gun, will defeat fascism*
chapter1:friendship
the power of friendship is insufficient to stop fascism
chapter 2: violence
@@fafo867 Pretty much :/
And the kind folks aren't the ones that want to be violent so.... kinda makes it easy to see how fascism can spread if it isn't actively fought against by peoples.
@@sebastianvelcro i was referncing a tumblr meme about luigi fighting fascism but yeah definitely
I appreciate that the cat's purring is coming through on the audio.
I get a bit stressed by how much people aren't honest with each other, which seems to imply the problem is with people being evil and deceiving but there's also the problem of people not stating their boundaries, their likes and dislikes, because of fear of rejection, because of kindness or because of tradition, and the thing that stresses me out the most is that I can't really blame them, I can only hope I can be of any help (and I didn't even talk about people not even knowing what their boundaries are and what they want cause they've been conditioned to believe things are a certain way and to not question stuff, in which case trying to do anything will result in everyone thinking you are dismissing what people say and feel).
(PS. why should I care you may ask? People can act how they want, if they want to make life difficult for themselves it's their problem, well I might not be old but I have enough experience to understand that life gets better if people around you live better lives)
Yes
Thanks, Zoe! 💖 I feel this pretty deeply in my bones. I'm autistic and I have a ton of social anxiety and still struggle to find the line where I don't care about someone's opinion of me or that they're not worth pursuing relationships with. I'm at a place where I can not worry about the opinions of literal nazis leaving comments on my videos or swarming me on Twitter. But then I really struggled when a discord for disabled creators recently kicked me out (without even talking to me) because of things I said in my cancel culture video. I know logically that if they're circling the wagons and kicking people without even talking to those people, what they're creating isn't actually a safe space, and I'm probably better off. But it's hard to get the emotional part of my brain to come along with what I know is a rational response.
Are you me? People always tell me that I’m super nice & approachable - and i suppose that aligns with my personal values in a lot of cases. Im very much a hippy, pacifist, vegetarian type, so that label very much vibes with me 😅
But yeah.. the darker side to this is that I’m often afraid of taking up too much space in a lot of situations. In fact, I think the original reason I became nice was in response to my own rejection sensitivity too. Like yeah, I’m “nice” because that aligns with my pacifist, hippy values or whatever. But I’m also nice to protect myself. After all, how could a person reject me if I’m hyper attuned to their needs, even if it comes at the cost of looking out for myself?
This was so so so relatable. Thanks for sharing. I agree, being kind isn’t just being nice. It’s having boundaries and sticking of them.
You can tell me as many times as you like about the limits of kindness, but that is one goddamned happy cat on your lap, lady.
Thank you Sauber, for the excellent captions. As someone with auditory processing bullshit, bad captions are the bane of my existence.
Cat in the lap right at the start of the video? Off to a great start!
"So freundlich wie möglich, so hart wie nötig" (Be as kind as possible. Be as harsh as nececary. ) is my life motto.
Zoe: "I thought that kindness was the answer to everything."
Kitty: ::stands up:: No, petting the kitty is the answer to everything!
That was wonderful, thank you! As an introvert, people take it for granted that your a doormat, unwilling, and unable to stand up for yourself. And... I have the habit of internalizing things until I explode. But when I learned to take a stand, to speak up, to show a display of willpower, people around me changed. They started to afford me more respect than they had previously. It's a sad truth that people equate quiet with weakness.
I don't like it that people don't seem to respect your boundaries when you express them in a calm manner.
I had the same reaction as you when people told me I had a soothing voice. I think it's because we're never just, like, yelling at the camera. #IndoorVoicesCrew
Omg you’re a revolutionary ex cop? AND A DAD?!? OMG I LOVE YOU IMMEDIATELY
Oh damn. I was so stressed over hoarding cards as a kid, and often when it came down to clearing out space I'd put decades old cards above things I actually wanted to keep.
As for the being kind to yourself, I've had to start asking why am I special? Not in a "how dare you think you are good at something" but more in a "what makes you the exception? What makes you special that you don't deserve basic respect or human rights or kindness?" Still definitely struggle with it, but I feel like I'm slowly getting through to myself, even if the answer a lot of times still is "Because I'm me, and as me, I'm different."
I'm really glad I saw this. I've only recently acknowledged to myself that I have been emotionally abused, to a traumatic extent, and I have to allow myself to know this and not question it endlessly anymore. It's been really hard to not give up on taking care of myself, but also to be compassionate with the people I know will never treat me fairly. I also have to remember to not affirm my impulses endlessly, as that's part of the damage they gave me. I just have to walk back from the edge every time. So this video is really important in confirming I've been making progress, as it's always been hard to see in myself for me. Thank you 💛
Yes, this is a very valuable lesson. I myself sometimes fall into the trap of being too "kind" and it's sometimes not an appropriate reaction for either party involved. I had not formulated it like that but I think I'll adopt the "take to shit" principle :) I still believe that being too kind is better than not being kind enough, but let us not be trampled upon.
I didn't like Golden Crisp as a kid but I remember I got sad once because I felt bad for the mascot. I thought, all they were trying to do was bring joy into my life. So I ate the cereal even though I thought it was gross, I wanted to cheer up the mascot. I haven't thought about this since but your stuffed animal story reminded me of it .
This video hits so close to home! My grandmother's dying words to her children were "be nice," and it's become a mantra for some members of my family. Be nice and don't speak up when others are bullied, don't complain when others take advantage of you, don't fight for what's right. Looking back, I remember how "nice" my grandparents were, and how their inaction allowed for my cousins, aunts, and uncles to systematically exclude and bully my brothers and me. Well, my new mantra is that being nice isn't the same as being kind, and sometimes you have to be mean to some people to be kind when it counts.
I have the same opinion of my voice, but one of my American friends LOVES it. So when I make my videos, I always pretend I'm speaking for her
I have checked your channel out, and think that you are warm and kind when you speak! Comfy vibes, you're doing amazing :)
@@marcusyeo1106thank you so much 🥰
I hear you on the RSD thing. Our 'no' is important, and we're every bit as entitled to it as anyone else.
For me, the people-pleasing instinct manifested fairly early on in clowning behaviour, as is pretty common in AMAB kids with ADHD. But clowning doesn't really lead to kindness. Sadly, being snarky and sarcastic and a bit mean was more reinforced in me than kindness from an early age, and it took a long time to unlearn that stuff. And sometimes I go too far the other way and find myself a bit of a doormat.
I always try to engage people with the best intentions, while recognising when the attitude isn't mutual, and responding in the best way to protect myself. It's a struggle.
"Do no harm, but take no shit" is fantastic. Don't know where you got it from but I'm going to remember it.
I, a amab kid whose never been tested for ADHD, and yet agreed on everything here: 👄👁👄
Love this video!
Learning how to turn my empathy inward has honestly been so healing for me.
Sometimes I literally visualize 2 versions of myself- one that's feeling upset and one that's listening to the first one and offering patience and empathy.
100% same. I felt so guilty about finding some of my plushies kinda ugly! My "kindness is key and will solve everything" period has been over for a while but I still struggle with rejection sensitivity.
"The practice of ahimsa actually starts within - by directing loving-kindness towards ourselves first."
Oh...
Thank you. It was just in time. You can't even imagine.
In High School, after a long, deep conversation where we both talked a lot about our struggles and trauma, a friend of mine sent me a picture of his copy of Angels in America, with the following quote underlined: "You have a good heart and you think the good thing is to be guilty and kind always but it's not always kind to be gentle and soft, there's a genuine violence softness and weakness visit on people. Sometimes self-interested is the most generous thing you can be. You ought to think about that." And there's scarcely been a day since that I didn't.
I'm only 2 minutes into the video, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. I prefer to be liked and appreciated by my peers out of fear that something bad will happen if I'm disliked. That being said, your voice is calming, I even fell asleep to your voice the other day it was so calm.
Kindness towards oneself can be really, really hard. It's an important lesson to learn and, for many of us, it's a very difficult one to apply. Thank you so, so much for putting this out there.
1:17 He ruuuumblin tho
I learned "do not harm, but take no shit" from witches. Still working on actually doing it, though.
i did too wtf lol
witches are cool
Wonderful wee video !
I related to this a lot, particularly about being kind to myself as well as others. I really struggle to reach out to myself for check-ins when it's an automatic thought with others. I have never been a 'doormat' as you put it, but I think that's sort of because I'm a dude, I think there's a really interesting aspect of kindness and expectations of kindness that women are simply just expected to be more kind than men. I used to go to sleep really upset with myself if I felt that I hadn't been kind enough to someone, and while I don't think it's an issue to think about your actions and reflect on whether or not you could have been kinder, it really shouldn't have been keeping me up at night.
Anyone else always try to get the good ending in video games? I like physically cannot be mean to video game characters when the option presents itself lmao I feel bad doing it even though they're not real
Oh yes, all the time. That's why I've never bought into the "games make people violent" anecdote. And after thoroughly beating a game I'll go back through and try to get the bad ending but I often find myself slipping back into kindness during it. Hard to resist...
I have always been angered by games, such as Shenmue, which do not allow me to treat characters well (poor Nozomi). Funnily enough, another example is Yakuza Zero (the first of the Yakuza games I have played, which are essentially spiritual successors to the Shenmue series). EDIT: I recommend Undertale.
@@Robstafarian Ah yes, Nozomi. I assume you're talking about Yuki in Yakuza 0? It's the only one I've played but it annoyed me that the game wouldn't let me treat her as well as I wanted to.
@@furiousapplesack I was referring to the girl in Shenmue who had a crush on Ryo.
@@Robstafarian I meant Yuki in Yakuzo 0, the first hostess who is really shy.
That you so much for posting this. I definitely relate on so many fronts and I've been trying to be less of a doormat lately. It's really hard when your brain tells you that you HAVE to do these things to be safe, but seeing that I'm not the only one fighting this battle is incredibly comforting. Please give your animals some scratches from us❤
I really felt this, Zoe; thank you. I was actually re-watching Perks of Being A Wallflower the other night and this quote stuck with me: “You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” Seems to line up really nicely with everything you’ve said here 💛
Very close to what you said regarding taking care of yourself: Being kind takes effort and energy. That means that it's a resource that should be used wisely and on the important things (what is important is for each one to decide). Ultimately, taking care of yourself and not depleting your resources will let you be able to be the best version of yourself when it matters.
Your cat purrs so loud I love it.
I actually was that way… all my life. I kept telling people “if you’re mean to the oppressors they’ll use that as justification to keep oppressing us!”
Then I learned more. As a queer person, with a brother who has brown skin and who is gay, who had to fight for his rights and was ousted by his family for being gay… just existing is reason enough for them to oppress. Being nice won’t make them oppress us less. It’s just us being obedient and civil while we lay our heads down on the chopping block like good little sinners.
Being good is always, ALWAYS a virtue. So I reframed goodness as the goal, not kindness. Being a good person sometimes means beating up an angry, violent bigot. Sometimes it means humiliating them. Sometimes it means vandalizing government property. Sometimes it means rioting against the police.
If you are kind and good and civil to someone who wants you eradicated, you really, REALLY should reevaluate your perspective on kindness.
Happy Pride, ACAB, stop police brutality, be gay do crime, and protect trans children 🏳️⚧️.
As a recovering people-pleaser I fully appreciate this video.
"Do no harm, but take no shit." That hit home with me.
Kindness is quite different from being nice. I actually talked about this with my Abnormal Psychology students.
Certainly there is nothing wrong with helping people, provided we are coming from a place of "giving from abundance"--where we are fully supporting ourselves and don't feel that we lack anything so that we may give freely.
If we are people-pleasing, however, then that is always coming from a perceived lack of our own inherent value. Essentially we are saying to ourselves "I am only worthy of love if I do everything for everyone". That was indeed my inner narrative, but I am re-writing the script, so to speak.
Keep being kind.
Thanks Sauber! Good captions are such a joy, and make this community feel that much more inclusive.
I'm the exact same way. It took a long time for me to realize that a lot of others don't think this way. I became a chronic people pleaser and am struggling to break away from it despite how much it has hurt me in the past.
I love this. This is something I too realized. I do wonder though if everyone is kinda like this to a point until something happens in their life to change it though. I suppose the exceptions would be people incapable of empathy from birth, but other then them I wonder if everyone was once like this maybe a long long time ago. And then they instead of having balance got rid of the whole do no harm part in favour of taking no sh*t. I know as a child I was definitely teetering on that with some things because I kept being kind and kept getting hurt as a direct result of my kindness and almost gave up and I wonder if most people do simply give up.
i also struggle with these things, as i'm assuming many who are watching do. accepting compliments is also something i struggle with, mainly the internal thought of "humility" that actually lead more to self loathing than real humility. now, even if i disagree with a compliment someone has given me, i'll still try to say thank you. like, the 2 non blood related people closest to me both tell me that i'm the sweetest and most kind person they've ever met, and while i'm glad i'm seen as kind, i still find it very hard to believe that that's not a hyperbolic statement. you make amazing content with amazing lessons, and it's very nice to see this comment section be kind too, thank you
I relate so much to this. Really glad I found your channel.
my english teacher in 10th grade summed it up best to me: "you're strongest and weakest trait is that you are selfless". I still see saying "no" as rude sometimes and i too have felt like a rug getting walked on a lot my whole life. i'm still working on having my own agency, while at the same time realizing that i have to be nice to myself, too. 10th grade me would have killed to see this video 7 years ago, knowing that it isn't just a "me" thing, and truly understanding what being kind is. thank you for this. i just recently discovered your content and it has been some of the most comforting and knowledgeable content i have seen in a while.
Growing up, I was made to feel, directly or otherwise, that kindness is something I should give others unconditionally, but could never ask for. I cried a little watching this video, thanks for making it. These were words I needed to hear.
Hi! I loved this thoughtful video. Your mantra is spot on. I have a synonymous one: I don’t ever want to hurt anyone and I won’t ever let anyone hurt me. Yours is definitely the better mantra. Anyway, I’ve got a similar nature to you and it’s resulted in all kinds of disappointments when I neglected to set proper boundaries with people I thought I could trust. I’m middle aged now and until recently had been a slow learner about how certain people target, manipulate, and discard nice, empathetic people with poor boundary setting skills . . . and you’re right, it’s not like they are being outright vindictive. Being human is hard and messy, some people are naturally more self-centered, impulsive, angry, or afraid . . . people who act like jerks do so as a survival instinct for past emotional wounds. It would be easy to just give up on people in frustration, but the key to overcoming bitterness is to ensure kindness, as you said, is something you show to others as well as yourself in a workable balance. I have a young daughter I’ve been left to raise, very happily, on my own. I already see the empathy and natural kindness she’s inherited from me and I make every effort to not only nurture this positive quality, but balance it with the support and self-confidence she needs to feel comfortable expressing herself, enjoying independence, and being able to say No!
“A little chat“
Nono! That is a BIG chat! He purrs very loud and I love!
Thank you for the words of affirmation. It helps to be told that while our want to be kind and gracious, it is to ourselves we have to extend those same gifts to ourselves.
ok i also really enjoy listening to you, both your voice and style is really calming and engaging for me ^_^
next, thankyou to Sauber for the captions, i only sometimes use them but i know that other people do more often, and when i do i'm really glad to find them.
next, i am also very scared of rejection, very concerned of how people view me. or i should say "i used to be", because thatxs apparently a mindset hack? anyway, i saw all those motivational "diagrams" of how much i care what others think of me vs how much they think of me; or that everyone is so scared that others will judge that they have no time to judge others...did not help.
what did in fact help was 1, realizing that others don't know my insecurities as well as i do, e.g if i have an issue with a feature of mine, i know the angle to look at it from, etc etc, others never see me through those eyes and especially the history i have with myself. and 2, seeig many many people on tiktok who wanted to say something smart nd still started by apologizing for their looks.
oh, and very recently, 3, i recalled some times of my life i'd been deliberately not caring for being judged and just doing what i wanted (until it was actually a safe thing. and they were pretty mild, like going out in pajama top for ice cream on the corner; or standing up to dance in a reataurant wih a bunch of ppl already dancing).
bc i've been regarded as the weird kid, and because i've been told so many times that im embarrassing. (and i still don't quite understand why, it might be willful ignorance? but i was really trying)
and it actually feels super weird to type all this out, i don't really want to post it but this is not tiktok, most people won't ever see this or care to find out who i am (i hope haha).
so thank you for this video because it was a difficult thing to go through and yet so easy to summarise, thanks for the chance to reflect on all this 🤍
I've gone through similar things, I've been told by my friends I was too nice in the past and I know I still am at times. I didn't want anyone to feel badly, ever. I always wanted to be kind, but when it comes to it, that also means being kind to ourselves. It's hard to treat ourselves with the same love and care we treat everyone else, and it's okay to put limits on things to give ourselves the care we need in order not to do harm to ourselves.
I’m grew up a lot like you describe yourself; a people pleaser, a pacifist, terrified of rejection and find it difficult to see others hurting if there’s nothing I can do to fix it. It led me to ending up with someone that I should have run away from in an effort to “save them” after leaving this abusive relationship I swung the other way. I avoided people I loved, instigated arguments and lashed out in a bid to protect myself because I’d been stripped bare. I was hurting and I was vulnerable. It’s taken time and I’m definitely not always great at it but I’ve found, for the most part, a healthy balance. Compassion with boundaries. Empathy with reality. I like to think of Gabrielle from the show Xena when, after she gave up her pledge of pacifism to save her friend and Xena apologises for making her leave that path and she says “sometimes, when push comes to shove, the only option is to shove back”
You are very wise, kind and insightful woman and Om glad I stumbled onto your channel. Being kind to self is where I’m at now finally at age 63. You’re so right about that 💕
This is literally the exact teaching style that I have. Appeasing everyone and being well liked. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I also say yes to everything. Kindness to myself always took a backseat to kindness to others.
Changing is hard. It's been especially hard for me since coming out because I'm trying to be seen as male... but I don't want to come off as scary or intimidating to my students. Even though I'm being viewed as more masculine every day, it is very hard to grow a backbone and stand up for myself.
I value this channel a lot - as you said in the beginning obviously the personality you bring is a big part of it for a lot of people and I agree with that, but for me the biggest part is simply the effort you clearly put into your content.
TL;DR - Kindness is important, but its easy to have too much of a good thing.
I grew up with very altruistic and perhaps passive values. While I don't resent those values and continue to hold them, I've learned that its not always that simple. My previous passiveness has led me to be either used as a foil, or spoken about behind my back, possibly due to the suspicion of my demeanour being a front for suppressed resentment.
When I began to become aware of these pitfalls I developed addiction and eventually psychosis influenced on one hand by my compartmentalizing of my opinions as unwanted, and on the other hand developing contempt for anyone that I perceived to exhibit even a hint of any "-ism". I decided to seek help once this split-psyche began to manifest as delusions of grandeur.
Since entering recovery, I've learned the value of self-care. Being mixed, I no longer submit to anyone saying I'm "too light to speak on mixed issues" (unless I'm out of my lane), or "not alabaster enough" to engage in 'alabaster activities'. I'll also consider who is saying it - I'll take the time to explain my identity or my music library to a person of colour, but I'm not willing to justify and explain bare basics to an alabaster person who thinks I'm breaking alabaster solidarity.
Not everybody can get my time or effort. I'll gladly educate someone who is seeking information, but I won't waste my day talking to a brick wall without getting paid. I still try to be warm with anyone I meet, but I also reserve the right to leave the space and cut them from my life. I don't think the worst of strangers, but I no longer think the best of strangers either. These days I think both respect and contempt are earned - I never seek conflict, but I won't roll over. I will preserve my dignity (non-violently).
Wow thanks for sharing this Zoe. Really good point. I did a lot of that stuff as a kid too, but I also evolved in my thinking along your lines, and now I intentionally prioritize my own needs. And honor non "nice" ways of expressing yourself.
It's nice to see that someone struggles with such problems and I'm grateful that you share your experience with us. Thank you
I have problems with hanging out with people in general and maybe because of this I'm scared of being rejected and loose a bunch of people that I already have. And that's why I'm always trying to help people and be nice with them, even when it can make harm, like I remember halping a girl with some work at the university so that she wouldn't get kicked from there, but at the same time I couldn't see any will to learn there in her. I did it more to make her feel better, but now I realize that it may be better for her to leave there. It would have been unpleasant of course, but maybe better for her
This is such a difficult thing for people to accomplish. It’s almost the same as “talk quietly and carry a big stick”. Everyone is different, for those more aggressive like myself, take the time to be peaceful and calm, for those more passive, strive to “take no shit” by being head on in times of adversity against yourself and others. We can all take something from this, regardless of our own personality’s.
Thanks for the video. I've struggled for most of my life with being kind and your little motto "Do no harm and take no shit" has really put in perspective that I need to care about myself. Thanks again and I look forward to your next video.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your trauma and the growth you've achieved beyond simply recovering. It is an incredible gift you're offering to us with each video.
Describing yourself was very familiar to how I have felt about my own life. The one glaring difference is that I do not try to portray myself as happy. I am sad, a lot. I am angry, a lot. I feel put upon and tired. I do not hide this, but I make sure that everyone knows that despite this, I push on. Kindness in spite of hardship. Getting people to enjoy my grumpiness. Making a laugh out of my depression.
I identify a lot with you. I've never heard of "rejection sensitive dysphoria" before I watched this video. Shed's some light on what I was going through in adolescence and early adulthood. Thanks for sharing, keep the videos coming. They certainly have been helpful to me.
This is something I needed to hear about 20 years ago. Better late than never though
Growing up an only child that went to church regularly, it was always the expectation to be the 'good' child. To do what adults told you, to give someone else the bigger slice of the pie, and/or to mediate and prevent arguments and fights. I thought I was going to die a martyr for someone else. Once I got into middle school, it started affecting my mental health. I was doing these kind things, yet I never felt these actions returned. I treated people as I wanted to be treated, but if no one treated me like that, then I must have been worthless.
The closest I had was and still is a friend that, even though rumors spread and never stopped about us being in a relationship, we stuck together. His friendship meant more to me than the opinions of anyone too dense to listen to me. Those rumors did affect me a lot more than it affected him, though (me being a cis female and him realizing in high school that he was gay). I was and still am cripplingly lonely, but I also know how easily some would see it as an easy opportunity to manipulate my emotions to do whatever they want.
I've always found that calling someone genuine/authentic on youtube comes as a double edged sword for the creator. Yes, it's nice to hear that when you set out to explain something you truly believe in, the audience respond to that, but I also see the pressure that it can hold. Something akin to impostor syndrome, where you'd feel almost frightened that your maybe misleading people with how you phrase a position, or maybe feeling that pressure in editing when you don't know if cutting a bit out makes it less genuine, or when you're more shy in person and when the way you express yourself online is called genuine you feel like a fraud. At least, I know that I would have that particular difficulty.
That's why I prefer to say I really enjoy your content. I enjoy the ideas you discuss and the centring of kindness to your videos, and I really like how you talk about the downsides to kindness, because my experience with some quite difficult things in my life has also led me to confuse things like being used as a doormat/punching bag with kindness. That's why I really like your conspiracy theory video, because it focuses on being kind to the person and not giving them the kind of judgement that often pushes them to more isolated places, but also stresses that this is a difficult thing to do and that it's not your responsibility to do so. Still, I think I'm someone who will far surpass what is reasonably okay for me, and by going past my personal limits I can often get hurt because I find it hard to value myself as much as I do others, and I'm trying to work on that. This video has really helped highlight that for me and put into words something I've been struggling with, thank you.
I really appreciate this video. It speaks to who I've been for a lot of my life. Constantly being afraid to make people upset and that meaning that I was always the "good kid". I'm trying very hard to work on that both in my professional life and also in confronting people who say shitty things around me. It's hard, but it's easier knowing that other people are dealing with and working on the same things
Im currently growing beyond this way of thinking, and it is extremely painful. To take my kindness away from other people even if they dont deserve it in order to give it to myself feels like a crime. It feels like im actively giving into being a bad person. Moreover, I don't have a solid support system, so I have to navigate this path on my own, at least for now. Videos like these help immensely. Thank you for posting this ❤️
You and I are extremely similar (at least I believe based on this video) in terms of trying not to hurt anybody. I struggle with people pleasing and can't help but want to make everyone happy all the time. I ended up sacrificing myself many times because of it. Thank you for this video. It helps me realize I am not alone.
Another great video. I think you really touched on something I have felt. I still have all the cards I have received, and did the same stuffed animal rotation. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am not alone, trapped in these feelings. Thank you.
"Do no harm, but take no shit." is pretty much the basics of assertiveness. :)
So, as someone that has worked on their voice a lot and has learned a thing or two about accent modification and vocal performance, I think your voice is very soothing, and I think I can somewhat explain how.
The most important parts to my ear are the parts that convey emotion and emphasis. You have a very musical lilt, and there's a lot of variety to it. When you emphasise a syllable, you almost never land on it in any kind of aggressive way. Some people stop hard on a syllable, but you don't. Instead of shortening the emphasised syllables, you elongate them.
I noticed a few ways you do this:
- up inflection, like a question: 0:34 "I sound like a 13-year-*old*"
- vocal fry, softening the deeper notes: 0:37 "thank you all for all of those kind *words*"
- breathiness (this is the most soothing part to my ears): 0:40 "what I want to talk about to*day*"
Based on what you said in the rest of the video, it seems like these are all ways you've developed to get your point across in the most non-confrontational way possible, and you've been very effective at it. It all combines to give the impression that you are relaxed and that the environment is calm and safe. Nobody's barking out their words and creating a bunch of stress.
As for why you think you sound like a 13 year old, I imagine it's the slightly nasal twang you have, which honestly I think most people have to some degree. It also sounds like it's connected to your Appalachian roots and the twang that's in that accent. It's not that big of a deal, the timbre of your voice is only a very small part of how it's percieved, and honestly it can be kind of charming.
Finally I wonder why you might think your voice is grating. To me it sounds like you're constricting your throat sometimes when you talk, especially on the higher notes like when you said "13-year-*old*". This also sounds non-confrontational in that it's hesitant, like you're holding back and not using your full voice, but it also conveys some stress which can sound grating.
If you want to work on this you can try opening your throat by thrusting your jaw slightly forward. I find that doing this makes my voice sound less constricted, giving it more power and boom. It gives me more control so I can speak more easily without pushing so much with my diaphram, which paradoxically also lets me speak more calmly and quietly. As a bonus, my singing is like 1000% better with this technique, in all registers.
I hope this was helpful and not just a bunch of unsolicited advice! I love your work, and I personally think you're very easy to listen to.
I think I am at about the same point mentally as you are. It has taken me all my life to do it and by the gods, is it tough. Kindness is the hardest thing to give to yourself, yet the most needed. ❤❤
A bit ago I wrote a paper for a sociology class it was about families and Utopias
with that said upbringing is particularly important when it comes to learning kindness and it's aspects are something you learn overtime it doesn't happen immediately because of this it can be easy sometimes to do harm and hurt because kindness needs to be learned I don't thinking we have enough of it
Everyone is different it's hard to be kind but usually I think it's worth it
Great video thanks
I'm reminded of a sermon I once heard on the commandment to "love thy neighbour as thyself", and how it means that you should love yourself - a similar concept that has stuck with me.
Your cat purred and it's the cutest thing ever
So now, i really understand why i was so ingaged in your content & at the same time a bit perplexed. I was exactly like you & i fall in depression because of this. Now i'm still nice, but not because i want people to like me but because i think every one is a complexe being. At the same time i protect myself more, i got limits & value to help me understand when i have to say no.
Thanks for this video.
What a DRAMATIC shift in tone!!!! Great to hear that though, all the claps!! Ive had to draw that line for myself in the world as well.
Yeah, I hear you. It took me a while to understand that kindness and friendliness and being, as you put it, 'a doormat', isn't the end-all-be-all. I am friendly now, and I do try to be accepting, but also uncompromising. Kind, yes, at least I try to, but not at any cost, not with everything, and not beyond certain limits. Empathy to all, kindness to those that need soothing, but a standing straight up in front of injustice, I think. No idea if I am making sense. Or if I am conveying what I think in a way that transmits it across.
Did the same thing with my stuffed animals ><
"Do no harm but take no shit" is a good motto. Been living by it for a while.
I kind of felt like this resonated with some of what you discuss here: in Dr. Gabor Mate's book When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress he talks about how the technicians who administer the diagnostic test for... I think it was ALS, had a shockingly high percentage of correct guesses about which subjects actually had ALS (and this was before noticeable symptoms had developed). They didn't predict based on anything other than realizing over years that the majority of people who developed ALS were exceptionally nice. Which in these cases also meant people pleasing, putting others' needs above their own, not expressing their own negative emotions, etc. It's not that being kind makes one sick - it's that the physiological burden of carrying around stress for years because of that kind of excessive kindness can be very bad for your health.
I have a similar path to you. I'm still learning how to say no. Still learning how to make a decision that other people may disagree with. We got this!