For those of you looking for more supportive resources, I highly recommend the Adoptees On podcast: www.adopteeson.com/. There are many other resources out there, but this one has been particularly profound in helping me navigate the trauma-related aspects of adoption. Each episode is usually just one adoptee sharing their story, and most of the time each story feels like a small veil lifted from my eyes.
One of the worst traumas of being an adoptee is how all of society, both family and strangers, denies your experience and your identity and the reality of your life.
The worst thing for me is to not be able to be in a love relationship, im so sad about this. Im 41 and today I had to break up again. This is a fucking nightmare and im so tired of this.
Absolutely Jessica! Told I was adopted at age 10 and no explanation about what it meant . . Hidden from all but the closest in my adopted family as I arrived after a stillborn. Then met with fear when in my 40’s I finally decided to research natural mother - all so confusing!
@@PriyaHagstrom Please don't give up. It took me until 48 years old to be able to be in a healthy relationship. I thought I'd be alone forever. I had been alone for 3 decades. Please don't lose hope. I thought for sure it was not meant for me in this life.
Thank you for noting that adult adoptees seem to have it together. This feels important. Maintaining the appearance of having it together requires enormous mental energy, which doesn’t leave much for anything else. This need to present as the fulfillment of our adoptive parents’ fantastical dream of the perfect family is an impossible task for anyone, let alone a traumatized child. Yet it is our implied duty to perform this act out of “gratitude.” Too many adoptive parents bought a child to parade around to prove to the world how heroic, selfless, and “Christian” they are. A cursory Google search yields thousands of adoptive parents bitterly complaining about their ungrateful adult adoptee children who no longer speak to them. Even though they selflessly sacrificed to buy them things that for a biological child would be a matter of course, not a heroic act with strings attached. Too many adoptees are considered property, well into adulthood, and the only way to form our own long overdue identity is to walk away. By then, it’s often too late for us, the adoptees. Relationships are not transactional, but that’s all we’ve ever known of “love.” Adoption should never be normalized or romanticized. If you are considering adopting, please take a good hard look at your motives for doing so. If you’re adopting to fill a void within yourself, you will surely cause further trauma to an already harmed child.
Amen - I’m one who walked away after decades of a transactional adoptive family existence. It was only then that I could start getting through a day without an overwhelming sense of guilt towards my adoptive parents. Even though I had made so many extraordinary sacrifices on their behalf (mostly my adoptive mother) - it was never enough & I was desperate for normal adult boundaries. They have both passed now & I can see that walking away was an act of survival. The gaslighting I experienced as a child and young adult was horrific - the idea of being given an impossible job description is so spot on.
This is like coming home and a feeling of being understood for the first time ever in my life. I have struggled with these issues all my life; depression, anxiety, stomach issues, and never feeling like I belong anywhere, or that I am never really myself ever, and becoming quite the loner. I am a chameleon that just tries to blend to whatever environment or people I am with. And always feeling like I have a fatal flaw built in that can never be healed.
I feel the exact same way❤ I am not adopted, but i was an outcast in my own family. I know maybe they joked, but they always told me i was different from them, they told me they foubd me in a dumpster and took me home. They were planning on going to give me away to a childless couple. My mother told me she was planning on aborting me. I have felt unwanted and unloved all my life, never good enough and always pointed out how different and low status i am. That i had to prove that i was worthy of love. I have felt like an orphan all my life...and have taken care of myself since i can remember I have never been in a stable relationship and never been with a man, because i think i am unworthy of love and happiness and fear they will only abuse or use me and leave
@@UniqueGeekFreak I was adopted but still told I was found under a rock. And my birth mother tried to drink me away. But my adopted mother was extremely mentally cruel. I never measured up. . She told my ex husband not to marry me as I would be a big disappointment to him. The marriage of course did not last. He had a good excuse not to take any responsibility for his part . It was all placed on me. As he had been justly warned.
@@KrisBlack-idahogirl 🥺❤ i am sorry to hear the cruelty & injustice And it's not true. People always wqnt to find someone to blane for their misery unhappiness or problems, and most ppl are not livibf conciously, they are just saying whatever they want without filters or empathy for others. Some ppl enjoy seeing you break, or the power they have over you to be able to break you down. Best solution is with your silence or absence, or full head on confrontation to end it once and for all to put them in their place
This was such a comfort. People have no idea what a life of anxiety feels like. From day 1, it becomes pathalogical. The phrase from this which speaks powerfully to me is, what do you have to do to get on around here. This touches every aspect of life, Friends, work, and this creates a fragmented sense of self. The relinquishment pattern spans life for many of us. It's lonely because people look at us and see a nicely put together person who presents quite normal but have no idea whats going on underneath.
This adoptee's definition of "self-soothing": Watching this video over and over. Despite having read adoption literature for decades, there were things in this video I'd never heard of before, like brain chemical changes. I learned so much. What a huge service you have done by uploading this video. Thank you.
moods, skin disorders, sleep disturbances, skin disorders, intestinal disorders. Yup, I have them all. Especially the "How do I need to be to be accepted?"
This was a huge eye-opener for me. It was like he was describing me. I never realized that the feelings and thoughts I have are universal among adoptees. This is the video that started me on my own personal journey of self-discovery. Thank you.
It's not just the trauma of the relinquishment and adoption that harms adoptees. It's how society treats us- we are expected to be grateful which is a huge burden and makes us to be second-class citizens. Our emotions, feelings and thoughts about our adoption are micro-managed by society and we are constantly judged. We are expected to be the 'good adoptee' not the 'angry adoptee'. Being told we are 'lucky' is such a slap in the face, and NOBODY has the right to tell us how we should feel. It's a very personal thing and nobody has the right to speak for our experience. Only adoptees, the ones going through it, can define what and how we experience being adopted. Our trauma is constantly dismissed. That will also add to any addiction issues- because we need somewhere to put our feelings, because we are constantly told our feelings are wrong. Invalidation is a big trigger for addiction and self-harming behaviour.
Yes, you have put it exactly right. Yes, self-harming behavior. I find I put myself in "relationships" or "situations" where I am simply used, I am able to be abused again and again because that is what I'm used to.
Thank you….first time I’ve felt understood! Everything makes sense now! I was adopted at 5 days old into a family that had a special needs son. I grew up watching him fall and crack his head open all the time…over and over most of my life until I left at 25. My parents weren’t there for me emotionally. They were too wrapped up in my brother and his issues. While I understand, they never checked on me! To make sure I was ok. Emotional neglect. I’ve struggled my whole life with not knowing who I was or what I liked…no identity. Shame, unworthiness, insecurity, digestive issues, hyper vigilance, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, etc…. Thank you for this
This made a lot of sense. Between this and the Primal Wound, I am understanding 'me' better. A point someone made was that adoption is like putting a puppy with a litter of kittens. The puppy is accepted by the family but when its natural tendencies come out, they tell the puppy it is wrong...that isn't how they do it. It grows up fighting what is natural to it and the family can't understand because that is what is natural to them. The puppy never truly fits anywhere.
His lecture actually calms me down. He knows and understands how we feel, I felt like I was with my true self while listening to him. I hope I will find the way from here, this really helped a lot
I was conceived in rape, and then I was adopted. This birth trauma concept is very interesting. How did my birthmother's feelings about her rape, and about the child she was carrying affect me in the womb? How did the trauma I went through at birth affect the rest of my life? I met my birthmother when I was 38 (I'm 64 now) She told me that she was so sedated at birth, she didn't see me, hold me or bond with me whatsoever. I was "taken" into and put in foster care for the next 3 months. Perhaps this is why I don't believe ANYONE really loves me -- my adopted parents, my husbands (I've had 3), my 3 children. I truly believe that they don't love me -- they tolerate me. And because they just tolerate me, I could lose them all at any given time. That's a crappy way to live, but that's my reality. I would really love to feel that emotion, to be loved and really believe it -- and maybe I don't love the way a "normal" person does either.
I understand what you are saying and want you to know that you are not alone. I don’t have any answers, but can relate to everything you said. Thank you for sharing your story, as painful as it is.
Adoptive parents need to explain what happened when the child was adopted, make the adoptee feel comfortable asking them questions about their natural parents
Very interesting and educational lecture. I was adopted from South Korea at 7 month's old through Holt International (1998). People need to be educated on this kind of material more.
Fellow adoptee here. Listening to this with my parents. It is mindblowing listening to this. I was about 4 weeks old when I joined my family. Oh my heavens the catastrophic thinking part blew my mind because it is so so accurate. I have never thought to even link it even slightly to one's start in life.
Thank you for uploading this video. It helps me understand myself a bit better. I'm going to listen to this again as I had some distractions. I'm nearly 70yo and it sometimes saddens me that I grew up not knowing my birth mother's love. I and 3 other girls were adopted by a strict religious family. Not my cup of tea! I still feel like damaged goods at this age. To all you adoptees out there, I send you love and peace ✌ ❤
Wow Paul thank you thank you for so beautifully articulating what is not talked about - Yes adoption is essentially a cover up term for a much deeper traumatic separation experience - I know because I’ve been there, as someone who was first relinquished, then adopted - and a lifetime (I’m 56) of being in a state of ‘red alert’ as you nicely put it
What a clear and accessible talk on adoption trauma. I've read just about everything on adoption matters and think that this lecture pulls together many threads to give an honest assessment on how damage happens to the child at the loss of the natural mother and how that plays out throughout life and into adulthood. A valuable resource.
I'm in shock right now. All my life I've felt I don't belong. I've searched for a place to feel safe. I've been ridiculed and abused both physically and verbally. I've been sexually abused as well. All things I have experienced and witnessed where my fault. I have been labeled an enabler, because I don't step up and put my foot down. I was told by my dad's mom, I wasn't blood. She did things for my adopted cousin with no shame or attempts to hide it. She basically rubbed it in my face. My adopted Aunt, the sister to adopted dad, scorned me at a family get together. Told me to go put clothes on and stop running around her son's in my swimsuit. By the way it was a pool party. One of her son's later on attempted to sexually assault me. I just kept my distance until my Adopted mom returned home. I'll stop ranting on this issue, but just a note this behavior towards me happened all the way until I graduated high school. There is a sick conception that the perpetrator believes...... that is I am adopted, so therefore, it's OK to do this. I wasn't blood. So no I'm so thankful I came across this letchure. now to figure out what to do next.
Wauw..this lecture opened my eyes..its surreal...try to find answers in instatutions and that....just listenin this for 53 minutes is what i was searchin for 31 years...its mindblowing..it makes me cry by relief, thank u for sharing your personal experience due life...and you worth it
Wow. This is amazing. I'm a 32 yr old international adoptee of an interracial family. I started reading Betty Jean Lifton's book The Journey of the Adopted Self and having kinda been in limbo. Lots of insight firing off, intersection of my own relationships to addiction and emotional/neurological regulation. This is a powerful lecture. Thank you for this.
Such a wonderful presentation!I am so-so grateful for it! I am an adoptee from a closed adoption (I was given up in hospital after birth and was put into a foster institution until almost 3 years old, then adopted) and this presentation was the key to my 'aha-experience' in certain aspects. It's like if was describing me, my unexplainable feelings, anger, anxiety, total loss of self-esteem. It is so hard to cope with all of the things we adoptees have to face. Somehow I feel that our grief, our way of experiencing relinquishment is totally ignored, and people always just tell me that I'm so lucky because I'd probably be on the streets or not have sufficient eduaction if not for my adopting family. Of course I am grateful but none of my fears, grief was ever discussed. I started self-harming at age 15, I ended up early searching love and acceptance from men who didn't love me and things just got even worse. I always felt I had to prove that I am also a normal kid like the others. I often suffer from stomach aches (even when I was a child). It's good to read that I am not the only one trying to cope with this mostly taboo topic, we share very similar stories and I just realised that it is 'normal' to feel the way I feel or think. Until now I thought I was a total weirdo for having the thoughts I had and being all the time fearful and always alert, trying to always do the best to be accepted and olved by all. I finally got answers to a lot of questions that were in me (39 years was I waiting for this....I have already been to psychotherapy, had to take serotronin medication, etc. and it still didn't work). I want to know HOW can I overcome all this so it won't affect negatively my marriage and my 2 children. I don't know how to get totally stable. Thanks for being able to express myself here. :-)
Thank you for this lecture. I am a 61 year old Eurasian adoptee brought up in a white family. I was relinquished at 10 weeks of age in 1962 and formally adopted in 1964. I learned so much from this lecture and it has already helped me to understand myself better, even at this age. It took me many years to be ready to face the reasons for me being let go, I thought I knew but I was scared it might be something worse. Every step on the journey has brought me increased inner peace and self confidence. Even though I have only spent today watchiing and listening to this lecture (four times) I already know it is another one of those steps on my journey.
Excellent talk,I'm 57 and just beginning,literally, to listen and try to respond to the ideas of conflict and trauma caused by adoption. So thank you Paul,this is a wonderful place to start.
You and me both! I’d been sent this lecture to watch by a fellow adoptee, and it took me a while to get through it, as it verbalized things I’d either suppressed or hadn’t even considered could be behind my feelings, choices, and my allowing people to mistreat me, especially in romantic relationships.
The sad part is that most adoptees experience shame; about their feelings, about their rage, about their confusion. And shame means hiding, which means most adoptees have no idea that most all other adoptees have the same core issues. Everyone just suffers in their own misery. When you realize you are a normal human who were put in a very unnatural situation, you see how the body and mind has tried for your whole life to defend and protect you.
I relate to this at a primal, gut level. I am so thankful to hear and understand this detailed description of the anxiety that has been lurking, just out of view at the base of my consciousness.
I am 59 years old, and I was "relinquished at 12 days old." I started using drugs at the age of 16. never "fitting in" at home and at school, I looked for "acceptance" in the wrong place. During that wrong place, I became a mother at the age of 25. I "never" bonded with my baby the way "new mothers" should. A deep attachment that I did not "feel", I had it, but I couldn't feel it, the bond. I didn't understand why I was feeling like that. Is the feeling going to come naturally, or what? I also have Adhd, my concentration is hard for me to control. I don't know if it has to do with that part of the brain on an "attachment loss" due to "my trauma." Thank you so very much, Dr. you have given me a much needed "insight" to my "existence", period. God bless you dr.!!
I want to provide some backstory for why I uploaded this video: In 2011, I came across Paul's lecture on the Life Works business website through a simple Google search on the terms "addiction" and "adoption". When I watched it, I felt like Paul conveyed everything I wanted to tell my non-adoptee friends and family about what it was like to be an adoptee. Even though it was an hour long, I felt like it was presented in such a way that was easy to understand and could be very compelling to the average layperson. At the time, the full video was only viewable on the Life Works website. They had a very brief excerpt of it on UA-cam. So the entire talk was not easily sharable on social media. So I decided to rip the video of the full lecture off of the Life Works site and re-upload it to UA-cam for that purpose. I honestly don't think they realized how meaningful it would be to adoptees, as it's since become a very frequently referenced lecture among our community. In 2015, Life Works uploaded their own version of the lecture onto UA-cam. I've kept the video I uploaded here to preserve all of the meaningful comments that have accumulated over the years, and Life Works has kindly allowed me to do so. If you have come here and have gotten something helpful from this lecture, I ask that you please go to the version that Life Works uploaded and leave a comment of appreciation. It's located here: ua-cam.com/video/3e0-SsmOUJI/v-deo.html. Life Works absolutely deserves credit for organizing the event where Paul spoke, and I'm sure they would love if all the supportive comments were posted to their UA-cam page as much as possible. At whatever point UA-cam will start allowing the transfer of video uploads between accounts, I will eagerly transfer ownership of this page to Life Works. TL:DR - THIS PAGE IS UNOFFICIAL. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS AT THE LIFE WORKS VERSION OF THIS VIDEO TO SHOW THEM YOUR SUPPORT HERE: ua-cam.com/video/3e0-SsmOUJI/v-deo.html
If only this sort of information had been about 60 years ago and the realisation that there were/are issues attacked to being adopted. Thank you for your insight and understanding of what it’s like to be an adoptee, the constant daily battles we face. I was always ashamed and still am to a point of telling people that I am adopted! People are embarrassed, try to fix it or dismiss it completely!
Yesssssssssssssss. I FEEL THIS IN MY BONES. My mother is completely emotionally unstable, to the point of taking my first born son away from me (my adoptive father even begged me to put him up for adoption or abort him) completely turning my child against me because *they wanted a boy* and got me, a girl. I was screwed from the get go. And she doesn't get it, neither does my adoptive father, and my son is now 18 and can't see it, because his grandmother and grandfather have catered to his EVERY whim his entire life and he's reaping the benefits while I live a mostly miserable life, still stuck at home with adoptive mom and dad, taking their abuse and scorn, and wondering *what did I ever do wrong here?* Sorry to unload. This is really the very first comment that I could relate to.
@@tonistrak345 not adopted or ever adopted a kid but randomly found this video and this comment, just wanted to say i love you and i am sorry that shit is happening, i hope you are doing better
@@willmerwin2226 what a difference a year can make. I moved out almost 6 months ago. I do what I am able for my son within my own boundaries. My adoptive siblings and I no longer speak to each other; we never could really emotionally relate and it was a constant unhealthy struggle. No matter what I have temporarily lost, I have gained my freedom and my life. And I am the happiest I have ever been.
My mom's true goal was to prove she was a better mom, than her sister in laws. She attempted to paint a Norman Rockwell painting. It wasn't fun .. I was a none bonder.
You speak about infants that were adopted at birth. I was adopted at six years old after being in seventeen foster homes. I knew my biological mother and father. I knew all of my four siblings. My biological brother was adopted by my adoptive father's sister and I saw him often, but I was never allowed to call him my brother until I left their home. Growing up, I had to call him cousin. My adoptive family were extremely abusive and their son molested me. I would love for you to do a series on older adoptees.
Wow... Parents that adopted me also had a child before me... He sexually abused me as well... But I tend to think the adults started the whole thing.... He was 2 1/2 yrs older so where could he learn it from? I had to reply cause I thought I made a comment before. Crazy how much resemblance there is.
I’m sorry you both had that experience. The fact that you’re still around today and haven’t succumbed to addictions and other harmful behaviors is a testament to your fortitude. I hope you believe that you truly deserve all good things in life. We adoptees are as good as anyone else. No need to have any more gratitude than any child toward their parents. No one asked to be born and no one had control over their relinquishment. So I pat you on the back, hug you and tell you you are stronger than those who did not experience this because you’re still here sharing your experience, letting us know we’re not alone, and working it out. Love to you all!
Have you read the book "Three Little Words", by Ashley Rhodes-Courter? Although some of her story is different of course, it is similar to some of yours. I think she was in 14 foster homes. She suffered a tremendous amount of abuse and her testimony finally got one of the worst foster homes closed. I was 3 1/2, when adopted after 5 foster homes over 1 year, and thought that was a lot...but wow. I wish for you, healing, peace, empowerment, and a sense of safety in this world. 💛💫
Very good, thank you. I am an adoptee who has experienced addiction problems and other mental health issues, and this lecture was very affirming to my feelings.
I found out, at age 51, that I was adopted. That was in July 2012. I lived with the adoptive family my entire life. Needless to say, this revelation was life changing. At least I know that I am not crazy for feeling the way I have all my life. Now I am finally totally alone and working on my own healing process. This video will be shared far and wide!
Wow, that's crazy that you found out at 51. Talk about flipping your world upside down. Can you explain how/what feelings you had pre-discovery? I've always known I was adopted but Late Discovery Adoptees (LAD) would appear to have their own issues - if that is the case with you.
@@smellycatrulesxX Honestly, I had no idea! A few things didn't quite make sense throughout my life to that point, but from that moment forward, it changed everything! I am just now 9 years past discovery day (as we LDAs call it), and for the first time, I didn't let it overwhelm me. I am making positive progress in finding out the REAL identity of me!
Because of this lecture I started a course of SSRI's. .. I feel much better ... like he says I can self sooth ... this one hour lecture has had a profound effect on my life .. we need more ! And maybe on the TV so our friends and relatives can be educated too.
I was fairly self soothing .. Until the adopted brother decided to become a murderer. Now I'm just floating in space. He caused many other problems too .. but that was quite a huge close to my adopted family.
@@rhondaserges5136 OMG my adopted brother was violent and abusive. He became a cop though..so he got to murder legally. This is now the second time I ‘ve heard of an adopted “brother” having issues with aggression and violence. Someone else who had an adopted borther also said this. I wonder if this is a thing with adopted men??
"By the way, I was adopted." I understand what you're saying with that completely. I was adopted. I tried to bring it up to my past therapist though, and he brushed it aside as irrelevant. I think your lecture is spot on. I think we all tiptoe around the subject of adoption, but it is about loss and grief as much as it is about a new family. I didn't see how impactful it must have been until I had my own children, including one child that my female partner carried who I bonded with before she was born. Like the study you mentioned, I read the same book (Brown Bear Brown Bear) to my daughter every night before she was born. I read it again after she was born and it was clear to us that she recognized it. She looked at me in wonder as if she was thinking, "I know that. Was that you?" Babies are definitely bonding in utero. And if she could bond with me, she certainly was bonding with my partner who was carrying her. Then when I got pregnant and then had twins and met people who shared my DNA for the first time in my life, I felt how important being adopted/relinquished really is. Thank you for your work.
Oh wow! As an adoptee, an adopter and the sister of a relinquished brother lost to me till I was 40, maybi say you have humbled me and made me feel wonderfully understood. The insight into my daughter's pain and our current estrangement may help to heal the wounds there too. I'm so much better educated now than an hour ago. Thank you so much. Perfect sense perfect diction and clarity of thought and uncommonly sensitive to all three parties in the painful process of adoption/relinquishment. Live long and prosper!
The older I get the more issues i seem to to encounter. The big problem for me is that so many of my behaviours are sub conscious. I have such a huge fear of being abanded that affects all my relationships.
@candacejones3352 1 year ago I am also a member of that club. Here in lies the problem , as the sub-conscious (primitive side of the brain) reacts so much quicker than the cognitive side of the brain. So before you think what the best course of action is , the sub con. has already said "NO"
I am an intercountry Adoptee and don't have substance abuse issues but apparently my bio father did. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD/ASD. I am obsessed with (and study) psych sci and I function so well that my pain is hidden almost entirely. Even from myself. I suffer from somatic pain and I believe it is because of my chronic stress. Chronic stress that I can't feel. Add to this, my adoptive mother also abandoned me in my late teens (but I wasn't a bad child AT ALL). I was very quiet and compliant. This video helped me elucidate the trauma that I never consciously experience. It helped me see my life not through the lens of Neurodivergence, or racial otherness... But through a lifetime of relinquishments. I hope once I can accept what happened that some of my ADHD related issues will abate. I am bright but any amount of external stress can completely undermine my best efforts to succeed. Not bc of emotion but because of significantly reduced cognitive ability.
Learn to "study" the stress, not "feel" it. Become your own master. You decide what you are and what you want to be. Be a scientist, a writer, both. Don't let the first quarter of your life determine the rest of your life. Be a designer: design who you WANT to be. Who cares if the design is a little late... at least it's not a race you know. Good luck.
Wow. This lecture really brought to light a lot of thoughts of my own growing up as an adopted child. I really enjoyed it and will be looking into a lot of points that he brought up. Thanks for sharing!
I was taken from my bio mum at 2 weeks. Spent 4 weeks with foster parents and was then adopted. My adoptive mum told me I used to cry and cry at 11pm because my foster dad used to come home from work and spend time with me. My adoptive parents used to let me cry it out. I’m certain this has contributed to my abandonment and anxiety issues 😢
I wish every person that believes adoption is beautiful and a wonderful thing could read this. Today is one of the sad days when I am thinking of my lost life and I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.
It's right to grieve loss. I would also wish that you see your future as a great treasure that you now haven't lost. That's still your life, maybe your very best life.
I am beginning to think the same thing. Abortion is 100 times better than this. Adoption is “beautiful” in some ways. If all of this understanding could be incorporated into the raising of us adopted kids, if the adoptive parents can really understand what they are getting into if the child can have both emotional support fully informed by what happened to them, biological support to help the brain damage, and the kind of family who can handle it all then maybe it can go better. But...from all these comments, and what I am finally being exposed to around this??? I’d say most of us kids who were adopted had zero help, zero understanding. We were born from chaos, raised in chaos and live our lives in a mystery of things that bring pain and suffering to us all
Addiction to adrenaline, and chemical highs. Has the Dr been spying on me! So much of what he said hit home hard. Something that was not mentioned (perhaps it is irrelevant), but within weeks of being told that I was adopted I developed a multitude of tics and habits. Verbal noises/grunts, touching things, facial grimaces, upper body twisting. Essentially Tourettes, though I have never been diagnosed. They remain to this day, though are far less severe than they were. Thank you for the excellent upload.
I Think I know what u mean. Sometimes I think our bodies are reacting in tic like ways because of the wrong that happened so long ago our bodies are trying to cope and get rid of it.
one other thing i want to ask fellow adoptees is....do any of u have a lot of feelings about guilt? Guilt about feeling like theres something wrong to the outward eye like theres not?
I just started going back to counselling aged 38 yrs old. My counsellor gave me Paul’s Sunderland’s name and to have a look at his lecture on addiction. What an amazing eye opener to what addiction really is compared to the stigma of addiction actually gets. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who are adopted and all of you who are affected by adoption. I have tried to read all of the stories up on here and they all put a tear to me eye as I recognized similarities in me in you and it made me proud to be adopted. A little about myself. I was found in the gutter on the side of the road in Sri Lanka, I was found by a police officer who then took me to the orphanage called the Jayanthi home. I didn’t have a name or date of birth. My Australian parents came over from Australia and I was (Lucky Enough) to be selected (chosen). They said that my date of birth would be the day I arrived back to Australia, I was named after my orphanage the Jayanthi home Jayantha is the male pronunciation of it. My mother and father owned a bus business I a small country town I had 2 sisters who were not biologically mine. My father physically and mentally abused me for the first 21 years of my life whilst also getting sexually abused by an exchange student that lived with us at the time. My mum had no say in anything and did what she was told, He was a very brutal man. I had so much hatred for him and everyone in the small country town knew he treated me poorly and some would say ( slave).I certainly felt like it., How could one person treat another human in this way let alone if you are trying to give them a life. He was what you call one of those short fat stubby business blokes that everybody hated in the town, A bully to be short. Why did he adopt me? For a very long time I had a lot of hatred and could easily off killed him without any guilt what so ever. In the past 3 years or so I have forgiven my father, forgiven but not forgotten. I have no animosity like I had before and I don’t care about what was done to me I just think I need to look at what he gave me and that was a life I may not have had So my question is how much trauma that I have suffered has a direct correlation to adoption and it’s issues it comes with or am I traumatised more by the way my father bought me up. As most adoptees I suffer everything that Paul said. I’m so glad that I have seen this lecture Why is it that I have a beautiful child and 2 children that I have basically adopted, couldn’t ask for anything more but yet, I crave affection like I need water all the time. Why do I feel like I need to be hugged and shown affection all the time. I cried and cried when I watched this. I would love to chat to anyone that would like to chat to me. Here is my email dutchie10@outlook.com Please feel free to comment and write to me if you have something that may help me
"We're talking about a trauma, that by definition, has no pre-trauma personality. So that the sufferer believes, that actually, the person they've adapted to become, is actually who they are. And that's not the case. THAT IS NOT THE CASE." 😢 This changes things for me.
I have a partner who was adopted. We endured major issues in our relationship related to her adoption. Took real love for me to stick it out with her and have an openness to learn about the deep traumas and grief adoptees have to endure in this life. Being with an adoptee is not for the faint of heart.
I agree, my previous partner had to carry a lot for me and I’m forever grateful, because of his empathy and compassion which allowed me space to grieve for the first time, and it was extremely intense, I will always hold a special place in my heart for this ineffable moment. I felt and feel love and compassion which I also gave and can give when it’s authentic. Have you also looked into your own personal/ family trauma of separation? I find many people who feel like this are perhaps in denial or projecting at the same time. It’s a double edged sword of many emotions.
@@AB-ec9kj Fortunately I am not adopted. My parents weren’t perfect, but they both loved me a lot. They separated when I was almost 10 and that was a significant trauma I had to heal, but compared to what my partner went thru, not even knowing her own real mother or father and what that set her up for the rest of her life to endure doesn’t even compare.
@@mikewilkins2030 me and her have been seperated for two months now. That has been painful as I love her and deep down I know she loves me too. I do believe I have a chance with her again in the near future but space, patience, discipline, self love are all things I am mastering so that when we do reunite the relationship is stronger and more long term sustainable. My best advice is to know that if she is yours (the great divine wills that you two are together) there’s nothing to worry about and nothing on earth that can stop that. Go within and focus on fanning your own flame and the right counterpart will magnetize to your energy. A lot of patience is needed for a person who has suffered from abandonment trauma and only real love can create that type of space to be held.
I am adopted, and mixed, this was an amazing find, and totally describes me. And I totally agree with his insights on A.A. I never liked that group, or understood how people could go all the time.
so, what do you say to a 45 yr old man who has been ashamed of who is is since he can remember because his parents did nothing to acknowledge his pain and never contributed to his growth emotionally or intellectually? I have lived with ptsd my whole life and subsequently did the anxiety/depression cycle... leading to consistently poor money and relationship choices. I have no money and no job. how does someone like myself get help when the system we live in makes it so difficult to get help? all I want is to feel good about myself... is that too much to ask from life?
Glenn Bromiley Where do you live? I struggle with the same things you do, Glenn, but there are things you can do to mitigate the shame and confusion. Living in Seattle, there is one adoptee meetup group I go to occasionally. Even though I'm shy and don't interact with them a lot, it helps knowing I'm not alone and I've made some friends I talk to more often. As these things go, 45 isn't that old for someone to start reflecting on how their adoption/relinquishment has impacted them. Our culture actively denies the experience of adoptees for many reasons that are to the advantage of the privileged and elite. And we don't have a wave of societal awareness to ride like the LGBT and African-American communities have at the moment. We have to have, in some ways, more self-initiative and resourcefulness, politically and psychologically, to find our identity and to be able to admit to ourselves that we're not the ones who should be ashamed in this matter. Take it one step at a time. It's not your fault. Money and relationship problems can often seem larger than they actually are, because to the adoptee, security -- material and emotional -- are everything and apt to be subverted at any moment, i.e. the newborn adoptee self's experience. Believe these are things you can work on slowly but surely. Don't worry too much about your adoptive parents coming around. Learn to acknowledge your own pain and to take it seriously yourself. Non-adoptees will always be slow to understand our experience. But you have to stand firm and realize you were a victim to a profound injustice that's been trivialized and covered up. It's not about playing victim, but it is about realizing you had no actual role in what you're ashamed about other than being someone else's scapegoat, commodity, emotional band-aid, or what have you. The shame may never completely go away because it happened so early, but you can learn how to hold shame and pride at the same time and feel more like an actual person. Keep fighting.
thank you for reaching out like that. I am in new jersey. already been through the mental health system here... not entirely helpful to say the least. I used to look for groups to go to but they seem to be all addiction based and a bit fake or too cheerleady. addictions aren't an issue for me and I rather not be around most addicts. I find they jump from one addiction to another. I wish I could find an adoption/trauma based group... I would start a group if I had a place to do it or even the support from someone else who knows what they're doing. but who am I kidding... I just gave up self employment because I couldn't think straight and I have developed chronic neck/back and joint pain which prevents me from doing much. honestly, I am just tired. I am tired of feeling trivialized and feeling like a burden on those around me. sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up. I hate myself for just existing and I hate the world for not caring. I'm sure I need lots of therapy. so sorry to burden you with my shortcomings and excuses. but again, I appreciated your advice and caring words. thank you.
Glenn Bromiley My thought on therapists: Finding one with experience/expertise on adoption is challenging. But therapists are networked and often asking one for a referral is better than using Google. They'll often know of a colleague who's worked with adoptees or is specifically interested in working with the adoptee community. The other thing is even if you can't land a therapist with adoptee work credentials, if they are competent, they will be interested in your struggle and will want to learn about it so they can grow. Often that can be just as beneficial to you, and awareness in the psychotherapy community has to start somewhere. In actuality, even if you just have a halfway decent therapist who is at least good at being authentic, that is exponentially better than nothing at all. All of these dark thoughts you are having are nothing to be ashamed of, but the reason they have so many teeth is because you're enduring them alone. Having another person to bear witness to your inner turmoil has a positive normalizing effect. We often can't talk about these things with our friends and family, much less our bosses and co-workers, so at least having a safe place for these darker feelings is important. Also, meditate! Sometimes it can really help by bringing into focus how much you are misled by automatic thinking/reacting. Meditation has helped me deal with feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of self-hatred as well as chronic neck/back pain. It's not a magic cure, but it's worth having in one's toolbox.
thank you very much for spending the time to share your thoughts, i agree totally. you obviously know what you are talking about and i will take it all to heart. thanks again!
Forget other people helping Glenn. If they haven't helped for 45 years they sure as hell aren't going to start now. You need to be your own best friend. You need tranquility and peace of mind, for with these, all the nauseating circumstances that trouble you will have vanished, unless of course you are a hopeless case and insist on holding on to them for some reason. There are several things you can do. For one thing, learn self-hypnosis and practice quietening your mind so that all thoughts just melt away like snowflakes hitting a window pane. It really does work and the tranquility is delicious. Don't get into Buddhism or New Age stuff, because they involve other people, who as you know, can't help. When you can quieten your mind it is easy to discard all the troubles you have had, and instead, busy yourself with honourable and decent matters. Who wants to be a mental cripple all their lives? Who wants to be a victim forever? Adults are supposed to be givers, not takers. Try reading Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata" and consider its meaning. If you are intellectually inclined I recommend reading about Stoics. Try Marcus Aurelius' meditations, or Seneca's "Letters from a Stoic". In fact, the stoics are excellent role models, and even I aged 63 need a good role model.
Those who have had life long struggles after being adopted are in a very difficult situation because the world has only just started to wake up to the damage that pre- memory trauma causes in later life. I am precisely explained in this lecture. I looked fine but I was a train wreck.Chronic stomach pain, skin rashes, hyper vigilant, extreme anger. In my 30's the internal pressure gave way and I walked away from my house, wife, kids, career. I just felt an overwhelming pressure of sadness and I was too soul deep fatigued to even begin to understand why. I just figured that I was miserable because of what was in my life...everything. I had no feeling except sadness and had no concept of how my rejection of my family would impact on them. Those around me mostly concluded that I was a heartless monster. The truth is I was broken at birth and it's taken 50 + years to get to a point where I can kind of understand what happened. Apart from the occasional gem like Dr Sunderland few others can understand who have not experienced it.
Loved your talk!! Very insightful as an adoptee... I related to a lot!! Of what you said. I wish there were a part 2 on how to recover from all that you mentioned. This is what I'm searching for!! Thank you!
Your welcome. I take no credit for the content or filming. It was just a random find on the internet that I thought people should be able to share. If you're interested in reading more about the effects of early trauma on brain chemistry, I recommend Gabor Maté's Scattered (which is about ADD) and Laurence Heller's Healing Developmental Trauma. The first one is in most bookstores. The second one I found online and has some organizational/editing issues but is nonetheless pretty insightful.
I was adopted at 5 weeks into a household that by 6 years old I was like a puppy that grew out of its cuteness and it became very apparent I was not wanted. The silver lining around this turd coloured cloud is being born into trauma has armed me with an ability to deal with traumas, that come with life, better I believe then most people.
Brilliant lecture, I do feel that this relates to a lot of infants /adults that have not been adopted , but lived with trauma as a baby/very small infant , as they grow into adult hood show the same traits and live with all these same feelings
I was born an extremely happy, confident kid. I had trouble talking to girls, even though they liked me, and I became a bully for a while. My life spiraled from there.
Talks like these make me realise that we are truly lost and confused animals, we fail to learn from our mistakes and that those we should be taking direction from(Gabor Mate, Paul Sunderland) are largely ignored. A recipe for disaster-that too many are invested in to change for the better.
you are 100 percent correct! I am just beginning to connect being aodpted with si many things tha that happened. I would only hope that anyone who wants to adopt...will FULLY understand that the child you are adopting is going to have special needs and that the adoptive parents MUST be more educated before taking this on. If not...it is simply a receipe for more trauma for the entire family of an adopted person. We had two in my family and it was beyond a mess.But no one ever talked about it...never. Which made me feel even more at fault, more guilty, more lost and disconnected.
Here I am at 65, still with this birth trauma, but now someone understands. I am seeing a counsellor who works with the Inner Child. My addiction is to finding the perfect 'home' and 'partner', but nowhere or anyone ever feels safe enough.
I cried and she felt inadequate. She thought I would have opportunities, so she gave me to an agency. I was placed at 4weeks. My life has been terribly difficult. I always make self destructive choices. I will never be ok. It’s always a struggle. It will never be over. I just wanted a hug and will never get one.😢as an infant, learning to soothe ourselves from birth…. It’s probably one of the worst things you can put someone through. Lying in the dark screaming… and no one comes. And the person you are screaming for will never be coming back. It creates an awful foundation. Abandonment on the bottom doesn’t make for a solid structure. I will forever be broken.
Oh my gosh. Why didn’t I find this 12 years ago? Late to the table again but better late than never as the saying goes. My thoughts had turned to emotional stress upon a mother in gestation and what that might do to the child from conception to birth. 12 years ago I was found by my biological sister that opened a world I thought I was prepared for but turns out I wasn’t. I did the work, 30 years ago and had decided not to search. I didn’t want to unleash possible hell on another’s life. I never thought in terms that it would be mine. Now here I am at the age of 62 in hell, trying to put the pieces together of the puzzle of my life, at the end of my adopted mother’s life. Answering the question of why I cannot look at my baby picture, her face and demeanor are full of trauma and distrust. I do not cry for the 62 year old woman I am. I cry for the five year old who could never be. The fight for survival has been my mantra.
I'm 64 now but when I was in my early thirties during a divorce accompanied by financial disaster I relived being separated from my birth mother. It was incredible. Spontaneously erupting while I was crying and repeating ,"Why do you have to leave me now? " over and over like a mantra and boom it came over me and it was uncontrollable and I knew that was whwt it was. I always knew I was adopted and didn't walk around thinking about it and then I knew the thing that mattered was being taken from my mother. Total problem person,addiction,violence etc. untill allmost thirty.
Finally after 50 years some answers to why I feel like I'm on an alien planet. Feeling devoid of some emotions expressed daily by others. Feeling out of control of mine at times with others scratching their heads at my actions and thought process. Working with my father in law who shows very similar thoughts and actions and at times more extreme than mine has been a fantastic insite on how other react to my outbursts and rants. I think it's been a help to him to. Weird how observing it in others completely grounds me to act in a carm and colected mannor that if I was on my own in the same situation I would loose my shit. I found meditation and the understanding of the mind (Dr joe dispenza ect) gave me vital tools that have changed my life but childhood trauma has been the missing jigsaw piece. Adoption by parents who wanted the best for me but we're emotionally vacuous when it came to love have left it's mark. No blame applied, we're all human just trying to get through life and do some good before we die.
Hello Paul. Thank you for your work and generosity sharing this lecture. A few years ago I found this lecture snd hot list at your early comment on birth mothers often saying •not a day goes by...• that would be some comfort but not my mother who wanted no reunion. So I couldn't listen. Now I can . And I needed to listen. Just wanted to say, assume nothing that will softthe blow of reality
Here I am on my 64th birthday. I was adopted twice, I even lived with both my natural parents for a while. It didn't work out so I was given for adoption very quickly the 2nd time at 18 months old. I suppose I didn't fit in very well as I endured endless slapping sessions, then I just got taller and taller, which was resented. I was lied to about nobody wanting me, I wasn't chosen as I was told. They weren't natural parents in any sense of the word, just a childless couple who also had marriage problems, probably why I felt more at home with my Grandparents. My Gran died unexpectedly when I was 17 and I joined the army a year later. Adoption is not a natural process, the whole idea of changing a child's name and stealing it's identity is abusive and just for the benefit of the childless couple, they were not happy I changed my surname back to the original.
As an adoptee from the baby scoop era - no sense of identity and enormous lifelong longing for my birth mother - pregnancy & giving birth was both healing & unhinging. It often felt like I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, unravelling into tears, feeling almost feral at times, obsessed with controlling the process, trusting no one and unable to say why.
So much of me you’ve described. You’ve perfectly explained why I feel the way I do as a foster child then an adoptee. I know I’m wounded but who to talk about it to? Very hard to find a therapist who has experience in developmental trauma.
I am seeing Joe Soll. He is an adoptee who works exclusively with adoptees and first moms. He's in New York, but I do video sessions with him from Iowa! He is so helpful
For those relinquished at birth during the closed adoption era - the inferior status of the adoptee was codified into law. We were legally robbed of our histories and identities. Not even worthy of knowing our familial medical history. Think of it - even our health was second class - the knowledge of this compounded at every medical visit when I had to respond with “I have no history, I’m adopted.” And they would nod as if this was normal. The lifelong sense of inferiority and hyper vigilance- my god. And although I can now access my original birth certificate, it is incomplete- time of birth is omitted & the space indicating multiple births is blocked out. I now know my mother’s name & learned she died by suicide when I was 9. I spent a lifetime waiting to find her, thinking she was out there thinking of me. And now at age 60, I still can’t legally ask what time of day or night I was born. It tears me up.
Relinquishment is the word adoptees use often to put to onus of fault on the natural or first mom. The natural or first mom tends to prefer the word surrender to point to the act of coercing lying even threatening to get that baby from the mother.
At 19:00 “ apparently I just cried and cried.” That was me after having spend the first 8 weeks with my bio mom, another 8 weeks in foster care and then adopted at 4 months old. My adoptive mom proudly tells the story of how she put an end to that: “I just went in there one day and spanked her. I never heard a peep out of her after that!” She then quotes the Bible: “spare the rod, spoil the child.” That pretty much sums up my childhood.
For me , Knowing the reason for my crappy disastrous personality traits makes it no easier, as I have found (after many years of therapy) that nothing will break down the wall of protection that I have built around myself to " protect me ". I am stuck.
Being part of the 60s scoop in Canada I was taken away from my parents at birth. Yes the anxiety is sometimes unbearable, triggered by smells and emotions but yet appearance is everything is a ok, but we know it isn't. 52 years later after finding what happened to my 6 siblings, the world is a little more lonely finding out about the deaths of many 0f them. I wish I knew my mother, I wish I had my family or at very least.
I was part of the baby grab era in Scotland. All organised by the Church of Scotland, it was just legalised abduction and identity theft. However in Scotland we are given access to all records from the age of 16. What I objected to is the mental gymnastics of trying to justify this crime. I was told that adopting parents are carrying out a moral act by giving a home to a child who is the consequence of an immoral act and should be eternally grateful. Although this was repeated to me , I totally rejected it from about the age of 12.
I was adopted &I gotta say i absolutely hate it! Don't get wrong, I love my mom&dad who raised me. I'm so grateful they did. They gave me such a better life. Couldn't be more thankful. It was an (in family adoption). They were such beautiful ppl.i also had two older sisters who were biological daughters to my adopted parents make us a family of 5. They were 6 & 8yrs older then I was. I've always felt like an outsider. Nvr really fit in. I've hated my older sisters my entire life. As long as i can remember, that only feeling I've had for them. They were so mean to me. Nvr let me forget I was adopted. They use to flip thru magazines to find the ugliest freak show of a woman&say this is your real mom. I remember it like it was yesterday. We nvr once said I love you. Nvr any kinda words of encouragement. No support. I haven't seen them in about ten years. It's affected my entire life. The older I get the harder it is. I'm struggling to find myself, to find love, or to find someone to just make some kinda connection with. My anxiety & depression is outa control. Stopped seeking anything romantic bc when it don't work out it absolutely kills me. When ppl come&go outta my life hits me way diff then most ppl. My abandonment & trust issues cut deep to my core. I nvr thought in a million years I grow up to no family, borderline basket headcase,&spend pretty 80%of my life alone. Prisoner in my own head. This is the first time I've ever spoke about this to anyone or online. Major big step for me. Anyways, adoption sucks!
Erik, you're not alone. Many of us have same troubles as you. Now, you need to heal. You can heal from all of this. Please listen to Louise Hay for example. Or read her books. Affirmations. Do mirror work. Your brain can be re wired and your heart and mind will heal. Many people are changing their brains and neural pathways by reprogramming their minds through mirrorwork and affirmations and positive visualisation. Prayer and connection to the Supreme Power will heal massively, if you're open to that. But the power is in your hands. You have the power to heal EVERYTHING. It will just take some time. You don't need to suffer like this. Forgiveness is critical too, not for those sisters, but for you. Please don't suffer unnecessarily any longer. Start now 💐🙏💕
So moving. Absolutely true in my case. Meeting my birth family answered all these questions for me but I survived a termination attempt so my trauma began in utero.
I am 56 and still cry for my adoptive parents that passed in 2008 it’s awful I cry so deeply due to missing them so much I met my birth mum but she didn’t make as much effort as I wanted and so stopped the relationship this video is so informative thankyou ❤
another thing is no one ever asks why we are abandoned in the first place. people just talk about "well, kids need families" without asking what caused that problem in the first place. thats why i think a lot of adoption happens because of the demand, not the supply. most people dont want to abandon their children, no matter how poor they are. but people just stereotype them as "uncaring irresponsible parents" without looking into political reasons that contribute to their abandonment. like in korea, majority abandonment happens because the government refuses to support single moms. try to improve these systems before criticizing the parents. when we improve society as a whole, less children will be abandoned and have to face that lifelong trauma. adoption isnt the only answer.
I was given up for adoption in the US in the late 60s because my birth mother left my birth father (from what little I know, I believe because he was abusive) and then couldn’t support an infant as a young single working woman. It was a choice she did NOT want to make but she did so to give me a better life than she could offer me at the time (and I truly could not have ended up in a family that was more perfect for me.)
For those of you looking for more supportive resources, I highly recommend the Adoptees On podcast: www.adopteeson.com/. There are many other resources out there, but this one has been particularly profound in helping me navigate the trauma-related aspects of adoption. Each episode is usually just one adoptee sharing their story, and most of the time each story feels like a small veil lifted from my eyes.
Thankyou
One of the worst traumas of being an adoptee is how all of society, both family and strangers, denies your experience and your identity and the reality of your life.
and tell you to be grateful for something you had no choice in😬. I'm never having kids because I'm too damaged from adoption. You're welcome world.
The worst thing for me is to not be able to be in a love relationship, im so sad about this. Im 41 and today I had to break up again. This is a fucking nightmare and im so tired of this.
Absolutely Jessica! Told I was adopted at age 10 and no explanation about what it meant . . Hidden from all but the closest in my adopted family as I arrived after a stillborn. Then met with fear when in my 40’s I finally decided to research natural mother - all so confusing!
Yes Jessica...you are 100 percent correct. I am so glad this is all coming out.
@@PriyaHagstrom Please don't give up. It took me until 48 years old to be able to be in a healthy relationship. I thought I'd be alone forever. I had been alone for 3 decades. Please don't lose hope. I thought for sure it was not meant for me in this life.
Thank you for noting that adult adoptees seem to have it together. This feels important. Maintaining the appearance of having it together requires enormous mental energy, which doesn’t leave much for anything else. This need to present as the fulfillment of our adoptive parents’ fantastical dream of the perfect family is an impossible task for anyone, let alone a traumatized child. Yet it is our implied duty to perform this act out of “gratitude.” Too many adoptive parents bought a child to parade around to prove to the world how heroic, selfless, and “Christian” they are. A cursory Google search yields thousands of adoptive parents bitterly complaining about their ungrateful adult adoptee children who no longer speak to them. Even though they selflessly sacrificed to buy them things that for a biological child would be a matter of course, not a heroic act with strings attached. Too many adoptees are considered property, well into adulthood, and the only way to form our own long overdue identity is to walk away. By then, it’s often too late for us, the adoptees. Relationships are not transactional, but that’s all we’ve ever known of “love.”
Adoption should never be normalized or romanticized. If you are considering adopting, please take a good hard look at your motives for doing so. If you’re adopting to fill a void within yourself, you will surely cause further trauma to an already harmed child.
So very well said! Adoption is trauma and Paul Sunderland said that he believed that one day people would see that. I hope that day is soon.
You took the words out of my mouth!!
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Well said!! 🎤 This needs to be discussed more
Amen - I’m one who walked away after decades of a transactional adoptive family existence. It was only then that I could start getting through a day without an overwhelming sense of guilt towards my adoptive parents. Even though I had made so many extraordinary sacrifices on their behalf (mostly my adoptive mother) - it was never enough & I was desperate for normal adult boundaries. They have both passed now & I can see that walking away was an act of survival. The gaslighting I experienced as a child and young adult was horrific - the idea of being given an impossible job description is so spot on.
This is like coming home and a feeling of being understood for the first time ever in my life. I have struggled with these issues all my life; depression, anxiety, stomach issues, and never feeling like I belong anywhere, or that I am never really myself ever, and becoming quite the loner. I am a chameleon that just tries to blend to whatever environment or people I am with. And always feeling like I have a fatal flaw built in that can never be healed.
"feeling like I have a fatal flaw built in" thank u so much for this expression
I feel the exact same way❤
I am not adopted, but i was an outcast in my own family.
I know maybe they joked, but they always told me i was different from them, they told me they foubd me in a dumpster and took me home.
They were planning on going to give me away to a childless couple.
My mother told me she was planning on aborting me. I have felt unwanted and unloved all my life, never good enough and always pointed out how different and low status i am. That i had to prove that i was worthy of love.
I have felt like an orphan all my life...and have taken care of myself since i can remember
I have never been in a stable relationship and never been with a man, because i think i am unworthy of love and happiness and fear they will only abuse or use me and leave
@@UniqueGeekFreak I was adopted but still told I was found under a rock. And my birth mother tried to drink me away. But my adopted mother was extremely mentally cruel. I never measured up. . She told my ex husband not to marry me as I would be a big disappointment to him. The marriage of course did not last. He had a good excuse not to take any responsibility for his part . It was all placed on me. As he had been justly warned.
@@KrisBlack-idahogirl 🥺❤ i am sorry to hear the cruelty & injustice
And it's not true. People always wqnt to find someone to blane for their misery unhappiness or problems, and most ppl are not livibf conciously, they are just saying whatever they want without filters or empathy for others. Some ppl enjoy seeing you break, or the power they have over you to be able to break you down.
Best solution is with your silence or absence, or full head on confrontation to end it once and for all to put them in their place
Whoa. Exactly.
This was such a comfort. People have no idea what a life of anxiety feels like. From day 1, it becomes pathalogical. The phrase from this which speaks powerfully to me is, what do you have to do to get on around here. This touches every aspect of life, Friends, work, and this creates a fragmented sense of self. The relinquishment pattern spans life for many of us. It's lonely because people look at us and see a nicely put together person who presents quite normal but have no idea whats going on underneath.
This adoptee's definition of "self-soothing": Watching this video over and over.
Despite having read adoption literature for decades, there were things in this video I'd never heard of before, like brain chemical changes. I learned so much.
What a huge service you have done by uploading this video. Thank you.
moods, skin disorders, sleep disturbances, skin disorders, intestinal disorders. Yup, I have them all. Especially the "How do I need to be to be accepted?"
Here I am again, surely I've watched this at least two other times in the past.
Very insightful
@@diamondinruff55 me too Patti
This was a huge eye-opener for me. It was like he was describing me. I never realized that the feelings and thoughts I have are universal among adoptees. This is the video that started me on my own personal journey of self-discovery. Thank you.
Karyn Peterson My thoughts exactly! after 50 years on this earth I am realizing so many things I never knew were universal for adopted people.
same!
Yep, absolutely!!
@@kaytebergey1158 dito
💯 on point
It's not just the trauma of the relinquishment and adoption that harms adoptees. It's how society treats us- we are expected to be grateful which is a huge burden and makes us to be second-class citizens. Our emotions, feelings and thoughts about our adoption are micro-managed by society and we are constantly judged. We are expected to be the 'good adoptee' not the 'angry adoptee'.
Being told we are 'lucky' is such a slap in the face, and NOBODY has the right to tell us how we should feel. It's a very personal thing and nobody has the right to speak for our experience. Only adoptees, the ones going through it, can define what and how we experience being adopted.
Our trauma is constantly dismissed. That will also add to any addiction issues- because we need somewhere to put our feelings, because we are constantly told our feelings are wrong. Invalidation is a big trigger for addiction and self-harming behaviour.
Hey leopard prints I understand exactly the way you feel you make some really good points, Thanks for sharing
same goes for children of anonymous donors.
We need to keep speaking out about this.
Mo Nique Yes! Agreed! And children of surrogates- due to the separation from the mother and added identity issues.
I've forwarded this video to some friends, just so they can read these wonderfully insightful and encouraging comments.
Yes, you have put it exactly right. Yes, self-harming behavior. I find I put myself in "relationships" or "situations" where I am simply used, I am able to be abused again and again because that is what I'm used to.
Thank you….first time I’ve felt understood! Everything makes sense now! I was adopted at 5 days old into a family that had a special needs son. I grew up watching him fall and crack his head open all the time…over and over most of my life until I left at 25. My parents weren’t there for me emotionally. They were too wrapped up in my brother and his issues. While I understand, they never checked on me! To make sure I was ok. Emotional neglect.
I’ve struggled my whole life with not knowing who I was or what I liked…no identity. Shame, unworthiness, insecurity, digestive issues, hyper vigilance, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, etc….
Thank you for this
Julie,
I'm also an adoptee. Your comment is so honest. Thanks.
❤
This made a lot of sense. Between this and the Primal Wound, I am understanding 'me' better. A point someone made was that adoption is like putting a puppy with a litter of kittens. The puppy is accepted by the family but when its natural tendencies come out, they tell the puppy it is wrong...that isn't how they do it. It grows up fighting what is natural to it and the family can't understand because that is what is natural to them. The puppy never truly fits anywhere.
This wasn’t my experience at all
Another woke victim
It’s like the Ugly Duckling story 😢
Depends on the family, a loving sensible one will empathise with the adopted child, not try to 'mould' them
His lecture actually calms me down. He knows and understands how we feel, I felt like I was with my true self while listening to him. I hope I will find the way from here, this really helped a lot
Very well stated. I completely agree.
i am a 45 yr old relinquished baby i can see eye to eye with the vast majority of this lecture, thank you
I was conceived in rape, and then I was adopted. This birth trauma concept is very interesting. How did my birthmother's feelings about her rape, and about the child she was carrying affect me in the womb? How did the trauma I went through at birth affect the rest of my life? I met my birthmother when I was 38 (I'm 64 now) She told me that she was so sedated at birth, she didn't see me, hold me or bond with me whatsoever. I was "taken" into and put in foster care for the next 3 months. Perhaps this is why I don't believe ANYONE really loves me -- my adopted parents, my husbands (I've had 3), my 3 children. I truly believe that they don't love me -- they tolerate me. And because they just tolerate me, I could lose them all at any given time. That's a crappy way to live, but that's my reality. I would really love to feel that emotion, to be loved and really believe it -- and maybe I don't love the way a "normal" person does either.
I understand what you are saying and want you to know that you are not alone. I don’t have any answers, but can relate to everything you said. Thank you for sharing your story, as painful as it is.
wow, I feel the same everyone tolerates me they don’t love me
Adoptive parents need to explain what happened when the child was adopted, make the adoptee feel comfortable asking them questions about their natural parents
I sent this to my therapist who wants to be more adoption trauma informed. We spent almost a whole session talking about this. Thank you.
Very interesting and educational lecture. I was adopted from South Korea at 7 month's old through Holt International (1998). People need to be educated on this kind of material more.
Fellow adoptee here. Listening to this with my parents. It is mindblowing listening to this. I was about 4 weeks old when I joined my family. Oh my heavens the catastrophic thinking part blew my mind because it is so so accurate. I have never thought to even link it even slightly to one's start in life.
Thank you for uploading this video. It helps me understand myself a bit better. I'm going to listen to this again as I had some distractions. I'm nearly 70yo and it sometimes saddens me that I grew up not knowing my birth mother's love. I and 3 other girls were adopted by a strict religious family. Not my cup of tea! I still feel like damaged goods at this age. To all you adoptees out there, I send you love and peace ✌ ❤
As an adopted person I can identify with so much this man talks about. Thank you.
Wow Paul thank you thank you for so beautifully articulating what is not talked about - Yes adoption is essentially a cover up term for a much deeper traumatic separation experience - I know because I’ve been there, as someone who was first relinquished, then adopted - and a lifetime (I’m 56) of being in a state of ‘red alert’ as you nicely put it
What a clear and accessible talk on adoption trauma. I've read just about everything on adoption matters and think that this lecture pulls together many threads to give an honest assessment on how damage happens to the child at the loss of the natural mother and how that plays out throughout life and into adulthood. A valuable resource.
thankyou thankyou thankyou thankYOU!!!
I am an Adoptee and I spend my days helping displaced Adoptees find their true Origins. Bless you for this
I'm in shock right now. All my life I've felt I don't belong. I've searched for a place to feel safe. I've been ridiculed and abused both physically and verbally. I've been sexually abused as well. All things I have experienced and witnessed where my fault. I have been labeled an enabler, because I don't step up and put my foot down. I was told by my dad's mom, I wasn't blood. She did things for my adopted cousin with no shame or attempts to hide it. She basically rubbed it in my face. My adopted Aunt, the sister to adopted dad, scorned me at a family get together. Told me to go put clothes on and stop running around her son's in my swimsuit. By the way it was a pool party. One of her son's later on attempted to sexually assault me. I just kept my distance until my Adopted mom returned home. I'll stop ranting on this issue, but just a note this behavior towards me happened all the way until I graduated high school. There is a sick conception that the perpetrator believes...... that is I am adopted, so therefore, it's OK to do this. I wasn't blood. So no
I'm so thankful I came across this letchure. now to figure out what to do next.
Wauw..this lecture opened my eyes..its surreal...try to find answers in instatutions and that....just listenin this for 53 minutes is what i was searchin for 31 years...its mindblowing..it makes me cry by relief, thank u for sharing your personal experience due life...and you worth it
The pain from being told your not blood lingers i wad told the same .. it is so good to see things that can help adoptees understand .
I relate to this so much thank you for sharing
Thank you as an adoptee this has helped so much
Wow. This is amazing. I'm a 32 yr old international adoptee of an interracial family. I started reading Betty Jean Lifton's book The Journey of the Adopted Self and having kinda been in limbo. Lots of insight firing off, intersection of my own relationships to addiction and emotional/neurological regulation. This is a powerful lecture. Thank you for this.
Such a wonderful presentation!I am so-so grateful for it! I am an adoptee from a closed adoption (I was given up in hospital after birth and was put into a foster institution until almost 3 years old, then adopted) and this presentation was the key to my 'aha-experience' in certain aspects. It's like if was describing me, my unexplainable feelings, anger, anxiety, total loss of self-esteem. It is so hard to cope with all of the things we adoptees have to face. Somehow I feel that our grief, our way of experiencing relinquishment is totally ignored, and people always just tell me that I'm so lucky because I'd probably be on the streets or not have sufficient eduaction if not for my adopting family. Of course I am grateful but none of my fears, grief was ever discussed. I started self-harming at age 15, I ended up early searching love and acceptance from men who didn't love me and things just got even worse. I always felt I had to prove that I am also a normal kid like the others. I often suffer from stomach aches (even when I was a child). It's good to read that I am not the only one trying to cope with this mostly taboo topic, we share very similar stories and I just realised that it is 'normal' to feel the way I feel or think. Until now I thought I was a total weirdo for having the thoughts I had and being all the time fearful and always alert, trying to always do the best to be accepted and olved by all. I finally got answers to a lot of questions that were in me (39 years was I waiting for this....I have already been to psychotherapy, had to take serotronin medication, etc. and it still didn't work). I want to know HOW can I overcome all this so it won't affect negatively my marriage and my 2 children. I don't know how to get totally stable. Thanks for being able to express myself here. :-)
Thank you for this lecture. I am a 61 year old Eurasian adoptee brought up in a white family. I was relinquished at 10 weeks of age in 1962 and formally adopted in 1964. I learned so much from this lecture and it has already helped me to understand myself better, even at this age. It took me many years to be ready to face the reasons for me being let go, I thought I knew but I was scared it might be something worse. Every step on the journey has brought me increased inner peace and self confidence. Even though I have only spent today watchiing and listening to this lecture (four times) I already know it is another one of those steps on my journey.
Excellent talk,I'm 57 and just beginning,literally, to listen and try to respond to the ideas of conflict and trauma caused by adoption. So thank you Paul,this is a wonderful place to start.
You and me both! I’d been sent this lecture to watch by a fellow adoptee, and it took me a while to get through it, as it verbalized things I’d either suppressed or hadn’t even considered could be behind my feelings, choices, and my allowing people to mistreat me, especially in romantic relationships.
Was taking notes until he said we take notes. This is absolutely mind blowing.
The sad part is that most adoptees experience shame; about their feelings, about their rage, about their confusion. And shame means hiding, which means most adoptees have no idea that most all other adoptees have the same core issues. Everyone just suffers in their own misery. When you realize you are a normal human who were put in a very unnatural situation, you see how the body and mind has tried for your whole life to defend and protect you.
I relate to this at a primal, gut level. I am so thankful to hear and understand this detailed description of the anxiety that has been lurking, just out of view at the base of my consciousness.
I am 59 years old, and I was "relinquished at 12 days old." I started using drugs at the age of 16. never "fitting in" at home and at school, I looked for "acceptance" in the wrong place. During that wrong place, I became a mother at the age of 25. I "never" bonded with my baby the way "new mothers" should. A deep attachment that I did not "feel", I had it, but I couldn't feel it, the bond. I didn't understand why I was feeling like that. Is the feeling going to come naturally, or what? I also have Adhd, my concentration is hard for me to control. I don't know if it has to do with that part of the brain on an "attachment loss" due to "my trauma." Thank you so very much, Dr. you have given me a much needed "insight" to my "existence", period. God bless you dr.!!
I want to provide some backstory for why I uploaded this video:
In 2011, I came across Paul's lecture on the Life Works business website through a simple Google search on the terms "addiction" and "adoption". When I watched it, I felt like Paul conveyed everything I wanted to tell my non-adoptee friends and family about what it was like to be an adoptee. Even though it was an hour long, I felt like it was presented in such a way that was easy to understand and could be very compelling to the average layperson. At the time, the full video was only viewable on the Life Works website. They had a very brief excerpt of it on UA-cam. So the entire talk was not easily sharable on social media. So I decided to rip the video of the full lecture off of the Life Works site and re-upload it to UA-cam for that purpose. I honestly don't think they realized how meaningful it would be to adoptees, as it's since become a very frequently referenced lecture among our community.
In 2015, Life Works uploaded their own version of the lecture onto UA-cam. I've kept the video I uploaded here to preserve all of the meaningful comments that have accumulated over the years, and Life Works has kindly allowed me to do so. If you have come here and have gotten something helpful from this lecture, I ask that you please go to the version that Life Works uploaded and leave a comment of appreciation. It's located here: ua-cam.com/video/3e0-SsmOUJI/v-deo.html.
Life Works absolutely deserves credit for organizing the event where Paul spoke, and I'm sure they would love if all the supportive comments were posted to their UA-cam page as much as possible. At whatever point UA-cam will start allowing the transfer of video uploads between accounts, I will eagerly transfer ownership of this page to Life Works.
TL:DR - THIS PAGE IS UNOFFICIAL. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS AT THE LIFE WORKS VERSION OF THIS VIDEO TO SHOW THEM YOUR SUPPORT HERE: ua-cam.com/video/3e0-SsmOUJI/v-deo.html
If only this sort of information had been about 60 years ago and the realisation that there were/are issues attacked to being adopted.
Thank you for your insight and understanding of what it’s like to be an adoptee, the constant daily battles we face. I was always ashamed and still am to a point of telling people that I am adopted! People are embarrassed, try to fix it or dismiss it completely!
So having been adopted by an emotionally unstable mother, I really had no chance at a healthy life.
Yesssssssssssssss. I FEEL THIS IN MY BONES. My mother is completely emotionally unstable, to the point of taking my first born son away from me (my adoptive father even begged me to put him up for adoption or abort him) completely turning my child against me because *they wanted a boy* and got me, a girl. I was screwed from the get go. And she doesn't get it, neither does my adoptive father, and my son is now 18 and can't see it, because his grandmother and grandfather have catered to his EVERY whim his entire life and he's reaping the benefits while I live a mostly miserable life, still stuck at home with adoptive mom and dad, taking their abuse and scorn, and wondering *what did I ever do wrong here?*
Sorry to unload. This is really the very first comment that I could relate to.
@@tonistrak345 not adopted or ever adopted a kid but randomly found this video and this comment, just wanted to say i love you and i am sorry that shit is happening, i hope you are doing better
@@willmerwin2226 what a difference a year can make. I moved out almost 6 months ago. I do what I am able for my son within my own boundaries. My adoptive siblings and I no longer speak to each other; we never could really emotionally relate and it was a constant unhealthy struggle.
No matter what I have temporarily lost, I have gained my freedom and my life. And I am the happiest I have ever been.
@@tonistrak345 that’s awesome! thanks so much for responding! hope you are doing well.
My mom's true goal was to prove she was a better mom, than her sister in laws. She attempted to paint a Norman Rockwell painting. It wasn't fun .. I was a none bonder.
You speak about infants that were adopted at birth. I was adopted at six years old after being in seventeen foster homes. I knew my biological mother and father. I knew all of my four siblings. My biological brother was adopted by my adoptive father's sister and I saw him often, but I was never allowed to call him my brother until I left their home. Growing up, I had to call him cousin. My adoptive family were extremely abusive and their son molested me. I would love for you to do a series on older adoptees.
Wow... Parents that adopted me also had a child before me... He sexually abused me as well... But I tend to think the adults started the whole thing.... He was 2 1/2 yrs older so where could he learn it from? I had to reply cause I thought I made a comment before. Crazy how much resemblance there is.
I’m sorry you both had that experience. The fact that you’re still around today and haven’t succumbed to addictions and other harmful behaviors is a testament to your fortitude. I hope you believe that you truly deserve all good things in life. We adoptees are as good as anyone else. No need to have any more gratitude than any child toward their parents. No one asked to be born and no one had control over their relinquishment. So I pat you on the back, hug you and tell you you are stronger than those who did not experience this because you’re still here sharing your experience, letting us know we’re not alone, and working it out. Love to you all!
Have you read the book "Three Little Words", by Ashley Rhodes-Courter? Although some of her story is different of course, it is similar to some of yours. I think she was in 14 foster homes. She suffered a tremendous amount of abuse and her testimony finally got one of the worst foster homes closed.
I was 3 1/2, when adopted after 5 foster homes over 1 year, and thought that was a lot...but wow.
I wish for you, healing, peace, empowerment, and a sense of safety in this world. 💛💫
Very good, thank you. I am an adoptee who has experienced addiction problems and other mental health issues, and this lecture was very affirming to my feelings.
Same
I found out, at age 51, that I was adopted. That was in July 2012. I lived with the adoptive family my entire life. Needless to say, this revelation was life changing. At least I know that I am not crazy for feeling the way I have all my life. Now I am finally totally alone and working on my own healing process. This video will be shared far and wide!
Wow, that's crazy that you found out at 51. Talk about flipping your world upside down. Can you explain how/what feelings you had pre-discovery? I've always known I was adopted but Late Discovery Adoptees (LAD) would appear to have their own issues - if that is the case with you.
@@smellycatrulesxX Honestly, I had no idea! A few things didn't quite make sense throughout my life to that point, but from that moment forward, it changed everything! I am just now 9 years past discovery day (as we LDAs call it), and for the first time, I didn't let it overwhelm me. I am making positive progress in finding out the REAL identity of me!
Because of this lecture I started a course of SSRI's. .. I feel much better ... like he says I can self sooth ... this one hour lecture has had a profound effect on my life .. we need more ! And maybe on the TV so our friends and relatives can be educated too.
I was fairly self soothing .. Until the adopted brother decided to become a murderer. Now I'm just floating in space. He caused many other problems too .. but that was quite a huge close to my adopted family.
@@rhondaserges5136 OMG my adopted brother was violent and abusive. He became a cop though..so he got to murder legally. This is now the second time I ‘ve heard of an adopted “brother” having issues with aggression and violence. Someone else who had an adopted borther also said this. I wonder if this is a thing with adopted men??
@@maretomaski6324 I believe so .. Men have a different relationship with there mothers. The intial maternal rejection just harms them more.
"By the way, I was adopted." I understand what you're saying with that completely. I was adopted. I tried to bring it up to my past therapist though, and he brushed it aside as irrelevant. I think your lecture is spot on. I think we all tiptoe around the subject of adoption, but it is about loss and grief as much as it is about a new family. I didn't see how impactful it must have been until I had my own children, including one child that my female partner carried who I bonded with before she was born. Like the study you mentioned, I read the same book (Brown Bear Brown Bear) to my daughter every night before she was born. I read it again after she was born and it was clear to us that she recognized it. She looked at me in wonder as if she was thinking, "I know that. Was that you?" Babies are definitely bonding in utero. And if she could bond with me, she certainly was bonding with my partner who was carrying her. Then when I got pregnant and then had twins and met people who shared my DNA for the first time in my life, I felt how important being adopted/relinquished really is. Thank you for your work.
Paul Sunderland: thank you so very much for doing this!
What a insightful lecture, being an adoptee i can relate to a lot of what he talks about.
Oh wow! As an adoptee, an adopter and the sister of a relinquished brother lost to me till I was 40, maybi say you have humbled me and made me feel wonderfully understood. The insight into my daughter's pain and our current estrangement may help to heal the wounds there too. I'm so much better educated now than an hour ago. Thank you so much. Perfect sense perfect diction and clarity of thought and uncommonly sensitive to all three parties in the painful process of adoption/relinquishment.
Live long and prosper!
The older I get the more issues i seem to to encounter. The big problem for me is that so many of my behaviours are sub conscious. I have such a huge fear of being abanded that affects all my relationships.
@candacejones3352
1 year ago
I am also a member of that club.
Here in lies the problem , as the sub-conscious (primitive side of the brain) reacts so much quicker than the cognitive side of the brain. So before you think what the best course of action is , the sub con. has already said "NO"
I am an intercountry Adoptee and don't have substance abuse issues but apparently my bio father did. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD/ASD. I am obsessed with (and study) psych sci and I function so well that my pain is hidden almost entirely. Even from myself. I suffer from somatic pain and I believe it is because of my chronic stress. Chronic stress that I can't feel.
Add to this, my adoptive mother also abandoned me in my late teens (but I wasn't a bad child AT ALL). I was very quiet and compliant.
This video helped me elucidate the trauma that I never consciously experience. It helped me see my life not through the lens of Neurodivergence, or racial otherness... But through a lifetime of relinquishments.
I hope once I can accept what happened that some of my ADHD related issues will abate. I am bright but any amount of external stress can completely undermine my best efforts to succeed. Not bc of emotion but because of significantly reduced cognitive ability.
Learn to "study" the stress, not "feel" it. Become your own master. You decide what you are and what you want to be. Be a scientist, a writer, both. Don't let the first quarter of your life determine the rest of your life. Be a designer: design who you WANT to be. Who cares if the design is a little late... at least it's not a race you know. Good luck.
AP put u in foster care? Adoptees are suppose to be treated like bio children
Wow. This lecture really brought to light a lot of thoughts of my own growing up as an adopted child. I really enjoyed it and will be looking into a lot of points that he brought up. Thanks for sharing!
Brings such comfort and insight.
Thank you 🌈⭐🌈
beautifully brave of you, at times hard for me to hear as it's expressing what I can't and don't feel comfortable to express out loud
Very validating talk. Thank you!
This is such an insightful lecture and helped me make sense of some of the ongoing adult behaviours not only in relation to adoption but also PTSD.
I was taken from my bio mum at 2 weeks. Spent 4 weeks with foster parents and was then adopted. My adoptive mum told me I used to cry and cry at 11pm because my foster dad used to come home from work and spend time with me. My adoptive parents used to let me cry it out. I’m certain this has contributed to my abandonment and anxiety issues 😢
I wish every person that believes adoption is beautiful and a wonderful thing could read this. Today is one of the sad days when I am thinking of my lost life and I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart.
It's right to grieve loss.
I would also wish that you see your future as a great treasure that you now haven't lost. That's still your life, maybe your very best life.
Agreed. Sold by the catholic church in 1951 and lied to by stranger. This lecture is a huge relief.
One counselor got it right "I had my little baby heart broken." I get it broken every day, I learned to wall it up in steel.
I am beginning to think the same thing. Abortion is 100 times better than this. Adoption is “beautiful” in some ways. If all of this understanding could be incorporated into the raising of us adopted kids, if the adoptive parents can really understand what they are getting into if the child can have both emotional support fully informed by what happened to them, biological support to help the brain damage, and the kind of family who can handle it all then maybe it can go better. But...from all these comments, and what I am finally being exposed to around this??? I’d say most of us kids who were adopted had zero help, zero understanding. We were born from chaos, raised in chaos and live our lives in a mystery of things that bring pain and suffering to us all
I hear you & you are validated. I’m also an adoptee. You’re not alone.
Addiction to adrenaline, and chemical highs. Has the Dr been spying on me! So much of what he said hit home hard. Something that was not mentioned (perhaps it is irrelevant), but within weeks of being told that I was adopted I developed a multitude of tics and habits. Verbal noises/grunts, touching things, facial grimaces, upper body twisting. Essentially Tourettes, though I have never been diagnosed. They remain to this day, though are far less severe than they were. Thank you for the excellent upload.
I Think I know what u mean. Sometimes I think our bodies are reacting in tic like ways because of the wrong that happened so long ago our bodies are trying to cope and get rid of it.
one other thing i want to ask fellow adoptees is....do any of u have a lot of feelings about guilt? Guilt about feeling like theres something wrong to the outward eye like theres not?
Wow yes..me too !!
Prof. Paul you have your wings ready for heaven!! ThanKYOU thankyou ThanKYOU
Thank you for speaking for me!
I just started going back to counselling aged 38 yrs old. My
counsellor gave me Paul’s Sunderland’s name and to have a look at his lecture
on addiction. What an amazing eye opener to what addiction really is compared
to the stigma of addiction actually gets. My heart goes out to each and every
one of you who are adopted and all of you who are affected by adoption. I have tried
to read all of the stories up on here and they all put a tear to me eye as I recognized
similarities in me in you and it made me proud to be adopted.
A little about
myself. I was found in the gutter on the side of the road in Sri Lanka, I was
found by a police officer who then took me to the orphanage called the Jayanthi
home. I didn’t have a name or date of birth. My Australian parents came over
from Australia and I was (Lucky Enough) to be selected (chosen). They said that
my date of birth would be the day I arrived back to Australia, I was named
after my orphanage the Jayanthi home Jayantha is the male pronunciation of it.
My mother and father
owned a bus business I a small country town I had 2 sisters who were not
biologically mine. My father physically and mentally abused me for the first 21
years of my life whilst also getting sexually abused by an exchange student
that lived with us at the time. My mum had no say in anything and did what she
was told, He was a very brutal man. I had so much hatred for him and everyone
in the small country town knew he treated me poorly and some would say (
slave).I certainly felt like it., How
could one person treat another human in this way let alone if you are trying to
give them a life. He was what you call one of those short fat stubby business
blokes that everybody hated in the town, A bully to be short. Why did he adopt
me? For a very long time I had a lot of hatred and could easily off killed him
without any guilt what so ever. In the past 3 years or so I have forgiven my
father, forgiven but not forgotten. I have no animosity like I had before and I
don’t care about what was done to me I just think I need to look at what he
gave me and that was a life I may not have had
So my question is how much trauma that I have suffered has a
direct correlation to adoption and it’s issues it comes with or am I traumatised
more by the way my father bought me up. As most adoptees I suffer everything
that Paul said. I’m so glad that I have seen this lecture
Why is it that I have a beautiful child and 2 children that I
have basically adopted, couldn’t ask for anything more but yet, I crave
affection like I need water all the time. Why do I feel like I need to be
hugged and shown affection all the time. I cried and cried when I watched this.
I would love to chat to anyone that would like to chat to me. Here is my email dutchie10@outlook.com Please feel free
to comment and write to me if you have something that may help me
"We're talking about a trauma, that by definition, has no pre-trauma personality. So that the sufferer believes, that actually, the person they've adapted to become, is actually who they are. And that's not the case. THAT IS NOT THE CASE."
😢 This changes things for me.
I have a partner who was adopted. We endured major issues in our relationship related to her adoption. Took real love for me to stick it out with her and have an openness to learn about the deep traumas and grief adoptees have to endure in this life. Being with an adoptee is not for the faint of heart.
I agree, my previous partner had to carry a lot for me and I’m forever grateful, because of his empathy and compassion which allowed me space to grieve for the first time, and it was extremely intense, I will always hold a special place in my heart for this ineffable moment.
I felt and feel love and compassion which I also gave and can give when it’s authentic.
Have you also looked into your own personal/ family trauma of separation? I find many people who feel like this are perhaps in denial or projecting at the same time. It’s a double edged sword of many emotions.
@@AB-ec9kj Fortunately I am not adopted. My parents weren’t perfect, but they both loved me a lot. They separated when I was almost 10 and that was a significant trauma I had to heal, but compared to what my partner went thru, not even knowing her own real mother or father and what that set her up for the rest of her life to endure doesn’t even compare.
Brotha, how did it turn around for you two? How long did it take? Any wisdom to share for a man wanting to go this route?
Also, every human has childhood trauma, and a lot of baggage. NO home did it perfect! NOT A ONE! We are all human and lost!
@@mikewilkins2030 me and her have been seperated for two months now. That has been painful as I love her and deep down I know she loves me too. I do believe I have a chance with her again in the near future but space, patience, discipline, self love are all things I am mastering so that when we do reunite the relationship is stronger and more long term sustainable. My best advice is to know that if she is yours (the great divine wills that you two are together) there’s nothing to worry about and nothing on earth that can stop that. Go within and focus on fanning your own flame and the right counterpart will magnetize to your energy. A lot of patience is needed for a person who has suffered from abandonment trauma and only real love can create that type of space to be held.
I am adopted, and mixed, this was an amazing find, and totally describes me. And I totally agree with his insights on A.A. I never liked that group, or understood how people could go all the time.
so, what do you say to a 45 yr old man who has been ashamed of who is is since he can remember because his parents did nothing to acknowledge his pain and never contributed to his growth emotionally or intellectually? I have lived with ptsd my whole life and subsequently did the anxiety/depression cycle... leading to consistently poor money and relationship choices. I have no money and no job. how does someone like myself get help when the system we live in makes it so difficult to get help? all I want is to feel good about myself... is that too much to ask from life?
Glenn Bromiley Where do you live? I struggle with the same things you do, Glenn, but there are things you can do to mitigate the shame and confusion. Living in Seattle, there is one adoptee meetup group I go to occasionally. Even though I'm shy and don't interact with them a lot, it helps knowing I'm not alone and I've made some friends I talk to more often. As these things go, 45 isn't that old for someone to start reflecting on how their adoption/relinquishment has impacted them. Our culture actively denies the experience of adoptees for many reasons that are to the advantage of the privileged and elite. And we don't have a wave of societal awareness to ride like the LGBT and African-American communities have at the moment. We have to have, in some ways, more self-initiative and resourcefulness, politically and psychologically, to find our identity and to be able to admit to ourselves that we're not the ones who should be ashamed in this matter. Take it one step at a time. It's not your fault. Money and relationship problems can often seem larger than they actually are, because to the adoptee, security -- material and emotional -- are everything and apt to be subverted at any moment, i.e. the newborn adoptee self's experience. Believe these are things you can work on slowly but surely. Don't worry too much about your adoptive parents coming around. Learn to acknowledge your own pain and to take it seriously yourself. Non-adoptees will always be slow to understand our experience. But you have to stand firm and realize you were a victim to a profound injustice that's been trivialized and covered up. It's not about playing victim, but it is about realizing you had no actual role in what you're ashamed about other than being someone else's scapegoat, commodity, emotional band-aid, or what have you. The shame may never completely go away because it happened so early, but you can learn how to hold shame and pride at the same time and feel more like an actual person. Keep fighting.
thank you for reaching out like that. I am in new jersey. already been through the mental health system here... not entirely helpful to say the least.
I used to look for groups to go to but they seem to be all addiction based and a bit fake or too cheerleady. addictions aren't an issue for me and I rather not be around most addicts. I find they jump from one addiction to another. I wish I could find an adoption/trauma based group...
I would start a group if I had a place to do it or even the support from someone else who knows what they're doing. but who am I kidding... I just gave up self employment because I couldn't think straight and I have developed chronic neck/back and joint pain which prevents me from doing much.
honestly, I am just tired. I am tired of feeling trivialized and feeling like a burden on those around me. sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up.
I hate myself for just existing and I hate the world for not caring. I'm sure I need lots of therapy. so sorry to burden you with my shortcomings and excuses. but again, I appreciated your advice and caring words. thank you.
Glenn Bromiley My thought on therapists: Finding one with experience/expertise on adoption is challenging. But therapists are networked and often asking one for a referral is better than using Google. They'll often know of a colleague who's worked with adoptees or is specifically interested in working with the adoptee community. The other thing is even if you can't land a therapist with adoptee work credentials, if they are competent, they will be interested in your struggle and will want to learn about it so they can grow. Often that can be just as beneficial to you, and awareness in the psychotherapy community has to start somewhere. In actuality, even if you just have a halfway decent therapist who is at least good at being authentic, that is exponentially better than nothing at all. All of these dark thoughts you are having are nothing to be ashamed of, but the reason they have so many teeth is because you're enduring them alone. Having another person to bear witness to your inner turmoil has a positive normalizing effect. We often can't talk about these things with our friends and family, much less our bosses and co-workers, so at least having a safe place for these darker feelings is important. Also, meditate! Sometimes it can really help by bringing into focus how much you are misled by automatic thinking/reacting. Meditation has helped me deal with feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of self-hatred as well as chronic neck/back pain. It's not a magic cure, but it's worth having in one's toolbox.
thank you very much for spending the time to share your thoughts, i agree totally. you obviously know what you are talking about and i will take it all to heart. thanks again!
Forget other people helping Glenn. If they haven't helped for 45 years they sure as hell aren't going to start now. You need to be your own best friend.
You need tranquility and peace of mind, for with these, all the nauseating circumstances that trouble you will have vanished, unless of course you are a hopeless case and insist on holding on to them for some reason. There are several things you can do. For one thing, learn self-hypnosis and practice quietening your mind so that all thoughts just melt away like snowflakes hitting a window pane. It really does work and the tranquility is delicious. Don't get into Buddhism or New Age stuff, because they involve other people, who as you know, can't help. When you can quieten your mind it is easy to discard all the troubles you have had, and instead, busy yourself with honourable and decent matters. Who wants to be a mental cripple all their lives? Who wants to be a victim forever? Adults are supposed to be givers, not takers. Try reading Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata" and consider its meaning. If you are intellectually inclined I recommend reading about Stoics. Try Marcus Aurelius' meditations, or Seneca's "Letters from a Stoic". In fact, the stoics are excellent role models, and even I aged 63 need a good role model.
Those who have had life long struggles after being adopted are in a very difficult situation because the world has only just started to wake up to the damage that pre- memory trauma causes in later life. I am precisely explained in this lecture. I looked fine but I was a train wreck.Chronic stomach pain, skin rashes, hyper vigilant, extreme anger. In my 30's the internal pressure gave way and I walked away from my house, wife, kids, career. I just felt an overwhelming pressure of sadness and I was too soul deep fatigued to even begin to understand why. I just figured that I was miserable because of what was in my life...everything. I had no feeling except sadness and had no concept of how my rejection of my family would impact on them. Those around me mostly concluded that I was a heartless monster. The truth is I was broken at birth and it's taken 50 + years to get to a point where I can kind of understand what happened. Apart from the occasional gem like Dr Sunderland few others can understand who have not experienced it.
Please listen to this lecture by the same Paul Sunderland where he talks about your points in greater detail.
ua-cam.com/video/PX2Vm18TYwg/v-deo.html
Loved your talk!! Very insightful as an adoptee... I related to a lot!! Of what you said. I wish there were a part 2 on how to recover from all that you mentioned. This is what I'm searching for!! Thank you!
Amazing Discussion! I, myself was adopted and am now linking the two together. We can learn so much from listening to your talks!
Your welcome. I take no credit for the content or filming. It was just a random find on the internet that I thought people should be able to share.
If you're interested in reading more about the effects of early trauma on brain chemistry, I recommend Gabor Maté's Scattered (which is about ADD) and Laurence Heller's Healing Developmental Trauma. The first one is in most bookstores. The second one I found online and has some organizational/editing issues but is nonetheless pretty insightful.
Wow! Profound, sensitive, careful. He really hits all the points. Many thanks for this talk and many thanks for posting.
I was adopted at 5 weeks into a household that by 6 years old I was like a puppy that grew out of its cuteness and it became very apparent I was not wanted. The silver lining around this turd coloured cloud is being born into trauma has armed me with an ability to deal with traumas, that come with life, better I believe then most people.
This blew my mind. Spot on
Brilliant lecture, I do feel that this relates to a lot of infants /adults that have not been adopted , but lived with trauma as a baby/very small infant , as they grow into adult hood show the same traits and live with all these same feelings
Wonderful talk. Thank you, Mr Sunderland.
I was born an extremely happy, confident kid. I had trouble talking to girls, even though they liked me, and I became a bully for a while. My life spiraled from there.
Sorry to hear are you getting any counselling or therapy ?
@lizzielonglegs1980 yes, I'm trying, thanks for asking. Are u adopted?
Talks like these make me realise that we are truly lost and confused animals, we fail to learn from our mistakes and that those we should be taking direction from(Gabor Mate, Paul Sunderland) are largely ignored. A recipe for disaster-that too many are invested in to change for the better.
you are 100 percent correct! I am just beginning to connect being aodpted with si many things tha that happened. I would only hope that anyone who wants to adopt...will FULLY understand that the child you are adopting is going to have special needs and that the adoptive parents MUST be more educated before taking this on. If not...it is simply a receipe for more trauma for the entire family of an adopted person. We had two in my family and it was beyond a mess.But no one ever talked about it...never. Which made me feel even more at fault, more guilty, more lost and disconnected.
Extremely, extremely valuable wisdom.
Here I am at 65, still with this birth trauma, but now someone understands. I am seeing a counsellor who works with the Inner Child. My addiction is to finding the perfect 'home' and 'partner', but nowhere or anyone ever feels safe enough.
I cried and she felt inadequate. She thought I would have opportunities, so she gave me to an agency. I was placed at 4weeks. My life has been terribly difficult. I always make self destructive choices. I will never be ok. It’s always a struggle. It will never be over. I just wanted a hug and will never get one.😢as an infant, learning to soothe ourselves from birth…. It’s probably one of the worst things you can put someone through. Lying in the dark screaming… and no one comes. And the person you are screaming for will never be coming back. It creates an awful foundation. Abandonment on the bottom doesn’t make for a solid structure. I will forever be broken.
Oh my gosh. Why didn’t I find this 12 years ago? Late to the table again but better late than never as the saying goes. My thoughts had turned to emotional stress upon a mother in gestation and what that might do to the child from conception to birth. 12 years ago I was found by my biological sister that opened a world I thought I was prepared for but turns out I wasn’t. I did the work, 30 years ago and had decided not to search. I didn’t want to unleash possible hell on another’s life. I never thought in terms that it would be mine. Now here I am at the age of 62 in hell, trying to put the pieces together of the puzzle of my life, at the end of my adopted mother’s life. Answering the question of why I cannot look at my baby picture, her face and demeanor are full of trauma and distrust. I do not cry for the 62 year old woman I am. I cry for the five year old who could never be. The fight for survival has been my mantra.
I'm 64 now but when I was in my early thirties during a divorce accompanied by financial disaster I relived being separated from my birth mother. It was incredible. Spontaneously erupting while I was crying and repeating ,"Why do you have to leave me now? " over and over like a mantra and boom it came over me and it was uncontrollable and I knew that was whwt it was. I always knew I was adopted and didn't walk around thinking about it and then I knew the thing that mattered was being taken from my mother. Total problem person,addiction,violence etc. untill allmost thirty.
Finally after 50 years some answers to why I feel like I'm on an alien planet. Feeling devoid of some emotions expressed daily by others. Feeling out of control of mine at times with others scratching their heads at my actions and thought process. Working with my father in law who shows very similar thoughts and actions and at times more extreme than mine has been a fantastic insite on how other react to my outbursts and rants. I think it's been a help to him to. Weird how observing it in others completely grounds me to act in a carm and colected mannor that if I was on my own in the same situation I would loose my shit. I found meditation and the understanding of the mind (Dr joe dispenza ect) gave me vital tools that have changed my life but childhood trauma has been the missing jigsaw piece. Adoption by parents who wanted the best for me but we're emotionally vacuous when it came to love have left it's mark. No blame applied, we're all human just trying to get through life and do some good before we die.
Hello Paul. Thank you for your work and generosity sharing this lecture. A few years ago I found this lecture snd hot list at your early comment on birth mothers often saying •not a day goes by...• that would be some comfort but not my mother who wanted no reunion. So I couldn't listen. Now I can . And I needed to listen. Just wanted to say, assume nothing that will softthe blow of reality
Here I am on my 64th birthday. I was adopted twice, I even lived with both my natural parents for a while. It didn't work out so I was given for adoption very quickly the 2nd time at 18 months old. I suppose I didn't fit in very well as I endured endless slapping sessions, then I just got taller and taller, which was resented. I was lied to about nobody wanting me, I wasn't chosen as I was told. They weren't natural parents in any sense of the word, just a childless couple who also had marriage problems, probably why I felt more at home with my Grandparents. My Gran died unexpectedly when I was 17 and I joined the army a year later. Adoption is not a natural process, the whole idea of changing a child's name and stealing it's identity is abusive and just for the benefit of the childless couple, they were not happy I changed my surname back to the original.
As an adoptee from the baby scoop era - no sense of identity and enormous lifelong longing for my birth mother - pregnancy & giving birth was both healing & unhinging. It often felt like I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, unravelling into tears, feeling almost feral at times, obsessed with controlling the process, trusting no one and unable to say why.
So much of me you’ve described. You’ve perfectly explained why I feel the way I do as a foster child then an adoptee. I know I’m wounded but who to talk about it to? Very hard to find a therapist who has experience in developmental trauma.
I am seeing Joe Soll. He is an adoptee who works exclusively with adoptees and first moms. He's in New York, but I do video sessions with him from Iowa! He is so helpful
For those relinquished at birth during the closed adoption era - the inferior status of the adoptee was codified into law. We were legally robbed of our histories and identities. Not even worthy of knowing our familial medical history. Think of it - even our health was second class - the knowledge of this compounded at every medical visit when I had to respond with “I have no history, I’m adopted.” And they would nod as if this was normal. The lifelong sense of inferiority and hyper vigilance- my god. And although I can now access my original birth certificate, it is incomplete- time of birth is omitted & the space indicating multiple births is blocked out. I now know my mother’s name & learned she died by suicide when I was 9. I spent a lifetime waiting to find her, thinking she was out there thinking of me. And now at age 60, I still can’t legally ask what time of day or night I was born. It tears me up.
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
Unbelievable..I wish I'd known about this earlier as an adoptee...
I think in my life I used to think about "what happened" every damn single day. And it never made me happy, it made me sad every single day.
God bless this man! This is so helpful. It all makes sense and I feel validated. 🙏
Thank you.
Relinquishment is the word adoptees use often to put to onus of fault on the natural or first mom. The natural or first mom tends to prefer the word surrender to point to the act of coercing lying even threatening to get that baby from the mother.
At 19:00 “ apparently I just cried and cried.” That was me after having spend the first 8 weeks with my bio mom, another 8 weeks in foster care and then adopted at 4 months old. My adoptive mom proudly tells the story of how she put an end to that: “I just went in there one day and spanked her. I never heard a peep out of her after that!” She then quotes the Bible: “spare the rod, spoil the child.”
That pretty much sums up my childhood.
I am so sorry. I am horrified to hear that. Sending you hugs.
@@nancymajor1267 Thank you! I really appreciate your responding so compassionately and want you to know I turned out ok. Hugs to you!
For me , Knowing the reason for my crappy disastrous personality traits makes it no easier, as I have found (after many years of therapy) that nothing will break down the wall of protection that I have built around myself to " protect me ". I am stuck.
Being part of the 60s scoop in Canada I was taken away from my parents at birth. Yes the anxiety is sometimes unbearable, triggered by smells and emotions but yet appearance is everything is a ok, but we know it isn't. 52 years later after finding what happened to my 6 siblings, the world is a little more lonely finding out about the deaths of many 0f them. I wish I knew my mother, I wish I had my family or at very least.
Thank you for sharing from a fellow adoptee here. I feel trapped in a pain invisible to society like you and so many other adoptees.
I am one of those too---born in Halifax, NS.
I was part of the baby grab era in Scotland. All organised by the Church of Scotland, it was just legalised abduction and identity theft. However in Scotland we are given access to all records from the age of 16. What I objected to is the mental gymnastics of trying to justify this crime. I was told that adopting parents are carrying out a moral act by giving a home to a child who is the consequence of an immoral act and should be eternally grateful. Although this was repeated to me , I totally rejected it from about the age of 12.
I was adopted &I gotta say i absolutely hate it! Don't get wrong, I love my mom&dad who raised me. I'm so grateful they did. They gave me such a better life. Couldn't be more thankful. It was an (in family adoption). They were such beautiful ppl.i also had two older sisters who were biological daughters to my adopted parents make us a family of 5. They were 6 & 8yrs older then I was. I've always felt like an outsider. Nvr really fit in. I've hated my older sisters my entire life. As long as i can remember, that only feeling I've had for them. They were so mean to me. Nvr let me forget I was adopted. They use to flip thru magazines to find the ugliest freak show of a woman&say this is your real mom. I remember it like it was yesterday. We nvr once said I love you. Nvr any kinda words of encouragement. No support. I haven't seen them in about ten years. It's affected my entire life. The older I get the harder it is. I'm struggling to find myself, to find love, or to find someone to just make some kinda connection with. My anxiety & depression is outa control. Stopped seeking anything romantic bc when it don't work out it absolutely kills me. When ppl come&go outta my life hits me way diff then most ppl. My abandonment & trust issues cut deep to my core. I nvr thought in a million years I grow up to no family, borderline basket headcase,&spend pretty 80%of my life alone. Prisoner in my own head. This is the first time I've ever spoke about this to anyone or online. Major big step for me. Anyways, adoption sucks!
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to everything you said above, and I know many other adoptees can as well.
Erik, you're not alone. Many of us have same troubles as you. Now, you need to heal. You can heal from all of this. Please listen to Louise Hay for example. Or read her books. Affirmations. Do mirror work. Your brain can be re wired and your heart and mind will heal. Many people are changing their brains and neural pathways by reprogramming their minds through mirrorwork and affirmations and positive visualisation. Prayer and connection to the Supreme Power will heal massively, if you're open to that. But the power is in your hands. You have the power to heal EVERYTHING. It will just take some time. You don't need to suffer like this. Forgiveness is critical too, not for those sisters, but for you. Please don't suffer unnecessarily any longer. Start now 💐🙏💕
CAN RELATE TO THIS
So moving. Absolutely true in my case. Meeting my birth family answered all these questions for me but I survived a termination attempt so my trauma began in utero.
... great lecture ... I resonated with it all ... thank you
What insight... a little discombulated in his presentation, but he hits it dead on.
I agree. And yet, oddly effective.
Discombobulated is a great word.
I am 56 and still cry for my adoptive parents that passed in 2008 it’s awful I cry so deeply due to missing them so much I met my birth mum but she didn’t make as much effort as I wanted and so stopped the relationship this video is so informative thankyou ❤
This is so important...I feel so seen.
another thing is no one ever asks why we are abandoned in the first place. people just talk about "well, kids need families" without asking what caused that problem in the first place. thats why i think a lot of adoption happens because of the demand, not the supply. most people dont want to abandon their children, no matter how poor they are. but people just stereotype them as "uncaring irresponsible parents" without looking into political reasons that contribute to their abandonment. like in korea, majority abandonment happens because the government refuses to support single moms. try to improve these systems before criticizing the parents. when we improve society as a whole, less children will be abandoned and have to face that lifelong trauma. adoption isnt the only answer.
I was given up for adoption in the US in the late 60s because my birth mother left my birth father (from what little I know, I believe because he was abusive) and then couldn’t support an infant as a young single working woman.
It was a choice she did NOT want to make but she did so to give me a better life than she could offer me at the time (and I truly could not have ended up in a family that was more perfect for me.)
So a lot of things I’ve always felt are suddenly making a whole lot of sense