It’s a wound that never heals. I just met my birth family over the summer, and I’ve never felt more alienated. My parents had other children who they kept, but I was the throw away. There are no photos of me in their homes, and no room left for any. It just reminds me that I am an outsider in the places that I was supposed to belong. And I always will be. What’s done is done and there’s no going back.
You are very loved. I love you even though I don't know you. I have heard some adoptees who feel the way you do. I love you. I hope you had loving adoptive parents.
As someone with a friend who is adopted i appreciate this video. Adopted people should be allowed more space to feel and understand their emotions instead of being dismissed as ungrateful or bad kids...
@@TeaCup1940 I mean, many adoptive parents will see just missing their birth parents as disruptive or disrespectful. Adoptees are silenced lot And violence is often an expression of trauma. Those kids need to be given healthy outlets and compassion the most
As an adopted at birth child this is absolutely correct for me anyway. Thank you for sharing. Most people tell us how we ''should'' feel, which is wrong.
@@yazanarar I loathed hearing how ‘lucky’ I was to be adopted at 2 months old. Lucky? To be abandoned in the hospital at birth? To ‘only’ have 2 foster homes? To wonder for my entire life what was so intrinsically wrong with me that I wasn’t wanted? People love to admire the rainbow side of adoption without taking into account the storm that came first.
@@yazanarar I was told once, “I won the Lottery” because I was adopted by very strict and stable parents but they don’t understand the whole story. I’ve grown to hate people
Yes and the repeated trauma associated with the secrecy, including the government's role and adoption agency's role in hiding and altering records, such as the birth certificate and other adoption paperwork.
you all prolly dont care but does someone know of a way to log back into an Instagram account? I stupidly forgot the password. I would love any tips you can give me!
@Clayton Eden I really appreciate your reply. I got to the site thru google and Im waiting for the hacking stuff now. Looks like it's gonna take a while so I will reply here later with my results.
I overheard a conversation of a colleague saying they want to adopt, because children do not need a father and all the child needs is love and to be saved. I ended that shit immediately!! I said there's no being saved, and if you adopt a child with the expectation they will be grateful and that you're saving them, you'll be royally disappointed. Another colleague said "that's just your experience. That doesn't define everyone's experience." Well what about my four adopted siblings?? What about all the adoption statistics? What about the 40% suicide rate? Made me livid.
I'm 42 and still trying to heal from my adoption & family trauma. I'd like to write a book, but not sure if I can. I was abandoned by my birth mother as an infant. She was on drugs, didn't want a child in the first place, and then left me to be raised by her parents - my birth mother actively estranged herself from me for my entire life. I was kept away from all of my paternal family. My maternal grandparents legally adopted. No one ever addressed how I might be feeling about the experience. Everything about my life was swept under the rug and ignored... I, like many other adoptees, was expected to be grateful for my chance at a better life. I always knew I was adopted, but I don't remember when I was actually told. My existence was like a giant game of make-believe... I referred to my birth mother my sister, and my uncle as my brother... and later two half-siblings came along that were referred to as my niece and nephew. Adoption IS trauma! I spent a great deal of my teen years wishing that I had never been born. Wish me luck with my memoir.... I'm gonna need it!
every therapist i’ve had over the last 15 years has neglected to acknowledge my adoption as a source of my internal distress and feelings of emptiness. I finished reading adoption healing by joe soll yesterday and it opened my eyes to the significant amount of trauma left in my life from the adoption. i can now say i am on my path to true healing. good luck fellow adoptees if y’all need anything comment below
@Matt-jo4nz 1 year ago I didn't initially think that adoption was my root problem cause until I did my own research. My subconscious has a very good and fast memory , even if my conscious memory thinks of nothing. I found the book by Nancy Newton Verrier "Coming Home To Self" very informative and useful .
We should do as much as possible to support biological parents to keep their children. Supervised, living in homes , etc etc etc. I’ve known many adopted kids in many situations and ALL have deep trauma no matter their adoptive parents. Also, I had pretty bad trauma and cortisol as a pregnant woman (severe eye trauma, full thickness cornea transplant at 8 months pregnant (after multiple months of amoeba which was severe pain + stress + full time job), almost died in childbirth due to severe pre eclampsia and severe hemorrhage) and my son is completely well adjusted so far at 2 years old… So high cortisol in pregnancy doesn’t equal a traumatized child - if child is able to bond to a nurturing , SUPPORTED bio mom after birth and ongoing.
@@projectmoon13 I'd say its probably more common than you might think. Today? Maybe not... But 10, 20, 30+ years ago? Absolutely. I went to a child psychologist for about 6 years in the mid 2000s... I suppose because I was acting out, doing poor in school, and my (adopted) parents didn't know how to handle it. Therapist knew that I was adopted, that I was having difficulty concentrating, emotional disregulation... (General trauma symptoms) To boot, he even knew that I was routinely "crossdressing", and that I have consistent thoughts of longing to be a woman (textbook gender dysphoria stuff). His diagnosis? "Ma'am, your child is acting out because he has Oppositional Defiant Disorder". Now I'm finding out that I have strong autism, adhd, and trauma symptoms... and of course, I'm transgender. So yeah, I really don't have a hard time believing a child therapist might ignore adoption trauma. Particularly in decades past.
@Gemma Dann oh I agree with that. It just bothers me when people (not you ) act like it's always best for mother and child to be together. I think I'm a living example of that lol.
As excited & happy as adoptive parents are to, finally, become parents, let’s not forget that they could very well be full of other unprocessed feelings. Couples who found themselves grappling with infertility, may have deep, unconscious feelings of shame, disappointment, even resentment at having to get someone else’s baby. The adoptive mother also did not have 9 months of hormonal/ neurological preparation to welcome & bond strongly with an infant. Many adopted babies cry & cry, are inconsolable, making it so difficult for eager new adoptive parents to bond. At 6 days old, as part of the adoption process, my parents took me to a pediatrician, who, seeing me screaming & writhing in abject misery, declared “wow. This one has a temper!” Can you imagine how that colored my parents view of their new baby?? All these and other emotional factors affect the connection between the baby & it’s new parents. It’s truly a wonder that any of us survived…….
Thank you for this video. At 56 years old, I’m just realizing how my adoption, three days after birth, has affected me throughout my life. I was given the book The Primal Wound recently after speaking with a friend about some of the issues I’ve been dealing with. She has several adopted children, and she understood what I was talking about. As I was listening to your video, I began experiencing extremely strong feelings of uneasiness, and became nauseated to the point of nearly throwing up. I’m not sick, so I think this is some sort of a physical manifestation of pain that I’ve been holding down. I’m just beginning this journey of understanding this and towards healing.
I was taken from my mother at birth and never even held by her. I had three weeks of hospital stay, where I had no consistent primary caregiver, then handed to my adopters. It's hell.
I Feel you… i had 6 weeks when i was adopted… my bio mom just gave me away. Now i cannot love my family, all of them are a source of trauma even though they are good people. Just… i cant.
@@soniacz3829 my mom gave my brother up at birth. The trauma of the 6 week adoption gap is probably the biggest factor, but i wonder if the inability to feel love the same way as your adoptive family could also be genetic. My family is cold and loveless, and i honestly feel similarly about them as a lot of adoptees feel about their birth parents. I think it takes a certain kind of unfeeling, unloving person to give up a child and i think it might stay with you as a character trait until you do the work to undo it
@@dougsonjahoezee8299 As an adoptee Two books I found interesting and helpful were both by the same author : Nancy Newton Verrier "Coming Home To Self" and "Primal Wound" Give it a whizz , You'll be glad you did !
I had the same fear and it will take time to heal this.. I am not saying I am over it but life as it is has taken alot of my loved ones to heaven and the feelings of Abandonment was unreal 💔. I noticed I feared rejection and I always had to be a step ahead and reject others before they got to do it to me.. it done me no favors only installed more fear of Abandonment and rejection. Now I am a bit easier on myself and accept that I can never abandon myself cos I did that too with addiction. I had the best mother in the world who loved and adored me. Much more love than my bio mother could have ever offered. I am blessed today and never knowing who my father was still has its grip on me at times. I asked many times who he was and was told lie after lie that destroyed me. But today its not like this . I am not saying I don't care who it was but I have survived without him .. weird how I spelt this out but the search is ongoing I suppose of my identity only in my mind as I know I will never know the truth and I've accepted it as I had no choice. We are survivors never forget it !
@pinupgirl1949 2 years ago So sorry for you, join the club. It's truly debilitating. Two books that may help you understand things, are both by the same author: Nancy Newton Verrier : "Coming Home To Self" & "Primal Wound" Hope it helps you.
Absolutely spot on when u say " almost never is the adoption considered a contributing factor .." nor is it ever considered a contributing factor when adoptees SUICIDE !!! So much Ignorance around adoption, and head burying in sand by adults and society . Good for u for recognising this and researching !! Just because I was 10 days old at adoption does not mean it did not affect me. I hate it closed adoption with a passion, I hate the word, I hate saying the word I hate that it happened to me AND I was NOT abused by my adopters. That also is a misnomer. My adopters did not abuse me, they tried, they were not perfect but no parent is. What I wanted was MYYYYY family. I lost them and they lost me. I want to be best friends with MY sisters. Too late now. The closed adoption era - the baby scoop era - just horrific and disgusting. Babies are not kittens . Even Kittens get to stay with their mothers for a minimum of 6 to 8 weeks ! Babies were, and are, taken off their mothers at BIRTH and expected to not notice they are in the family of strangers. Do not pretend a child is YOURS, when in fact is is not, it is the child of another woman and man. Trading is babies is not moral or ethical - "I will do anything to have a baby" yeah right, but THINK ABT THE BABY not yourself - the baby is only a baby for a short time. I have gone through hell being closed adopted and would not wish it on my worst enemy - it is SILENTLY soul destroying.
You sound horrible, really awful. I am sorry for your loss, but I truly feel sorry for your “adopters ,” who may have suffered losses of their own. And were brave enough to push past that and offer love and a home anyway. You act as if those strong, brave people who tried are less than nothing to you. You seem so full of yourself, only concerned about your needs, your hurts, your wants. You may have a deep wound that seems as if it will never heal, and I am truly sorry, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have character. No one gets through this life without their share of grief and sorrow. You just don’t have to act as if yours is the only one that counts.
Not trying to invalidate your experience but blood relation isn’t the only valid familial relation and not every birth mother is capable of raising their child at the time.
Hi Elizabeth! I was adopted by my parents at 8 months old in 1956. my mother explained to me about being adopted when i was 5 yrs, old so i grew up knowing there was another set of parents some where. As I hit the teenage yrs I went though a severe identity crises. I was angry all the time and very mean and disrepectful to my mother which made me feel deeply guilty even into my 40s and 50s. My mother went to a judge to have the adoption "unsealed" and she got in touch with my birth mom to have her reveal herself to me which she did! It truly amazes me that I spent decades of my life not knowing why I 'hated' my sweet good mother who raised me-now I finally can understand!!
@@t.j.7789 You as an adoptee are in a way like family to me. Let me tell you something. I was created in Oneonta NY and sold in Dallas Texas. I am more white then my purchasers are. But I came from a nuroatypical line on both sides. Every single time I turned around I was wrong no matter how hard I tried. Race is a problem with legalized human trafickers no doubt about that. However you need to know that the curse of being an adoptee sold outside of your family is that no matter what you do or look like or how hard you try you don't belong there and it's no one's fault but the grownups for causing all of the confusion and unnatural and unnessisary human trafficking.
@@t.j.7789 I can get how you continually were aware of the diferences by peoples reactions and questions. I am an adoptee and struggle to see how adoptive parents can do this.. I allways felt like that piece of the jigsaw that got mixed into the wrong box and someone is trying to make it fit but it doesn't. For me even as same hetitage as adoptive parents as a kid I hated being told by people who didnt know that I looked like my adoptive mother.
I’m crying watching this. My son was given up for adoption by my ex. I tried fighting to keep him and I hope he will always know that I wanted him. I spent so much money on lawyers just to be told my rights were being terminated. We planned to have a baby and then she decided she didn’t want a baby anymore and she’d be damned if I was going to get him. She’s also extremely mentally ill and can’t take care of a child so that’s the main point. I still wanted him though and I’m mentally sound to raise a child. Now the adoptive family isn’t letting me be in his life with an open adoption like my ex has because my ex doesn’t want me to be. Which is totally on the adoptive family not my ex. My ex has no rights to be making rules. I’m so upset and sad after this past year. All I wanted was to be a dad and had that ripped away from me. I worry about my son very much.
Maybe you could start an organisation for all the fathers this has happened to. I saw a similar story last week with a father losing his daughter through Bethany Christian services. This shouldn't be happening.
@@savagebunny1440 I’d like to do something. I wish I could get the laws changed. Most people don’t even know about this. Everyone including myself all figured I had rights. I didn’t realize my ex’s parents had been studying for months about adoption and had everything set in motion behind my back. What’s crazy was it was like I was seen as the bad guy for trying to stop the adoption. As if my son was the adoptive parents’ all along and I was just some mean person trying to take away their baby. Basically the way the laws are, even if you do what they say you’re supposed to, if a woman wants the child to be adopted, then there is nothing you can do to stop it. The adoptive family offered me open adoptive if I would have stopped fighting. I said no why would I just stop. Then I lost and now they’re like you get nothing except a yearly update in an email and can send gifts to a PO Box. They won’t even have the decency to send me a photo. Which they claim is because the birth mother, my ex doesn’t want me to have one. This has been one of the worst and most devastating things to ever happen in my life. I’ll never be right. I guess some men would be happy to get rid of their ex and not have to raise a child. I know for sure that this has been a learning experience. I will never again date a woman who has a mental illness. I will never again have a child with someone if I don’t see displays of being able to be a mother. I guess I should have known better. But what can you do when you love someone and believe in them? I believed she could do it while everyone else said she couldn’t. I should have listened. Now I have to suffer the consequences.
@@james_daniels- That is so unfair. If I were you I would do some DNA tests on different sites so that when your so is older if he does one he will automatically match with you. Also if you know the adoption agency, leave a letter on his file so when he is 18 he can access it and find you. That way he can see you always wanted to look after him and it wasn't your fault.
I was shipped between four or more families by the time I was three years old. I have struggled with a reactive attachment style, became so fixated on becoming a people pleaser and making sure someone “picked me” and diluted so much of what made me special and fulfilled. Thank you for trying your best and educating others to do their best to understand the internal struggles.
@Gemma Dann it was actually my biological mother. There were some loop holes that she used to her advantage. And traumatized me. I couldn’t sleep over anyone’s house until I was 18 years old because I was terrified that when I woke up my parents would be gone forever.
@Gemma Dann my mother; was 17 years old at this point, had no idea what she was doing. I had gone through custody with a few different family members prior to the foster system. Once in Foster care I went to a family in PA (I’m from the Boston area) and my mother found me, literally; I AM ABSOLUTELY steadfast when I say this, kidnapped me and his me away in her sister’s college dorm room in a laundry basket. It only took a couple of days before I was found. And then went back into foster care and was adopted by my parents. That all happened before I hit age three.
@amandayell6231 2 years ago As an adoptee myself two books that helped me understand things (Not cure ) were both by the same author - Nancy Newton Verrier. "Coming Home to Self" and "Primal Wound" Maybe these might help you.
Infants only a few days old can record long term memories. “Infants do not think but they do process emotions and long term memories are stored as affective schemas” (Geansbauer, 2002). An infant separated from its first mother will record a memory of that event. Memories of this nature are called preverbal memory representations and they have a unique quality that must be understood by adoptive parents. “Infant memories are recalled in adulthood the same way they were recorded at the time they occurred. It is difficult, possibly impossible, for children to map newly acquired verbal skills on to existing preverbal memory representations” (Richardson, R., & Hayne, H. 2007). An older adoptee who recalls an emotional memory will experience it the same way it was felt as an infant. Adoptees can have troubling memories that they cannot identify in words. This means that they cannot understand what they are feeling and without a vocabulary they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive /emotional disconnection. “Children fail to translate their preverbal memories into language”(Simcock, Hayne, 2002).
Interesting Robert. I was adopted from a city 4 hours from my home. I always had this memory of seeing this small hill with houses from this city I was adopted from. Well long story short, we visited this area when I was a child on holiday. I saw the same hill and houses as in my memory. Well I was a baby of 6 weeks when I had originally seen this area. I have to agree with you.
Robert I am so glad to see your comment was talking about preverbal memories etc with therapist today.." separated" at birth in incubator for weeks in hospital for months then institutional care for months.
This is interesting. I was not adopted, but we had a house fire when I was 2 years old. I remember the house and certain events that happened there, but not the fire. My baby brother died in the fire. I was hospitalized with first, second and third degree burns. I still have scars on my right hand and wrist. I don't remember the fire or the hospital time, but I remember things before and after that. I get anxiety when people do things around fire that I perceive as "unsafe". Like around fireworks, or fire pits etc. I like a fire in a fire pit, or fireplace or campfire etc., but I don't like it when it seems "unsafe" to me, like kids getting too close. I'm not sure its really unsafe, I just think I am hyper sensitive around it. I wonder if there are memories that I am unaware of from that traumatic event in my childhood.
This really helped me start processing adoptee trauma, I'm 24 now and realizing there is a lot I did not acknowledge as being rooted in adoption. Thank you for your video!
As an adoptee Two books I found interesting and helpful were both by the same author : Nancy Newton Verrier "Coming Home To Self" and "Primal Wound" Give it a whizz , You'll be glad you did !
I am adopted, I am 54 years old and now struggling with my adoption. It started with the death of my Mom. I've know my biological mother from age 21. When my Mom died I turned to my biological mom and she told me I'm not your mother. Sooo painful. Now I hate her and she wants to continue to be in my life. She doesn't understand the pain I have and the feelings I have towards her.
Barney Torres thank you for sharing. I am soon 54 and am also really struggling. My adopted mother died last year and my birth mother has shown me through her own shortcomings that the grass was already green after my insatiable search for my ‘home land’ it’s a tad baron if honest. A constant ache in sola plex!! I hear you x x x
It's so hard even as an adult, when your birth mother rejects you for a second time. I was adopted at 3 weeks old and at 60 I found my birth mother via a DNA match with a second cousin. My birth mother was delighted to know I was alive and well and had had a great childhood, but she refuses to tell her 6 childrenmy half siblings about me for fear they will judge her. Her husband did know about me but he has passed on. I spoke to her once by phone as she lives in tne US and I live in the UK and the whole phone call was all about her and her fear of her children judging her. I don't think she ever once stopped to think about how that was making me feel, like I was something she was ashamed of. I told her I won't contact them while she is alive but I told her I will be contacting them after she has passed on as I believe they have a right to know they have a big sister and they can decide for themselves if they want to get to know me or not. I'm not sure I can be bothered speaking to her again as I don't think she will change her mind and we will only be going over the same conversation again and again. Adoptees spend their lives trying to please people and are then punished for something their parents did that was not their fault. 😢
That displaced anger made parenting extremely hard. I’m a step parent to two adoptees I met ten years ago. My wife adopted them with her ex who ran away 6 months after signing the papers for kids she said would “complete her life”. I showed up 6 months later. It was a total shitshow. The oldest sibling had so much rage. He was setting fires, violent and sexually inappropriate with other kids. He was too dangerous to live with and we had to send him to a therapeutic boarding school for 2 1/2 years (10-12) where he got the supervision he needed for everyone to be safe. He’s 18 now and has moved out. He’s better but he still struggles a LOT. Parenting him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He hated my guts. I had to nail down the safety for everyone and stop him from spreading ptsd. He never stopped trying to dominate our household which I never tolerated. It was a nonstop battle of the wills to force him to graduate highschool. There has to be a better way. I will NEVER recommend adoption to anyone after raising him. There is no support for parents or the kids. Just blame and shaming from people who expect adoption families to be like bio families. It’s ridiculous. Foster only, never adopt. I think the lack of resources to deal with the anger and behaviors leads to divorces, the rehoming nightmare and desperate parents going to quacks like Nancy Thomas who promotes doing emotional abuse as a solution. I hope things change around adoption. It’s a very sick situation right now. We’re doing it all wrong. The outcomes speak for themselves.
Also try to imagine that tomorrow you will wake up and all your family and connections have disappeared and you are not aloud to know anything about that for 18 years and no one will comfort you or suggest that anything is wrong with this and that it's wonderful. It may sound silly but try.
@@lenorepaletta9267 My pleasure Lenore. I appreciate therapists trying to understand us adoptees better and I like to throw them some encouragement and experiential knowledge that only adoptees will really understand or maybe kidnap victims.
@@brianjames9946 sorry for replying so late. I dont know if its the same for every adoptee but for me personally I have huge issues trusting people and letting anyone get to close to me. Could have something to do with being lied to about my birth mom took me 19 years until I found out the truth. again sorry for the necro
@@saywhat7734 No Problem at all. Sorry I didn't realize you were also an adoptee. We need more adoptee therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists so keep it up please :)
@@brianjames9946 Uhm Im not a therapist wayy to unstable for even a normal job :/ I appreciate therapists like the one who made this video trying to understand us adoptees more due to it being hard to explain in the first place. Weird question but when you were younger did you also have the same dream over and over of the day you were taken from your birth mother? I know it seems weird since infants arent supposed to be able to form a memory before the age of 3 this video just brought that back up.
Yes I was adopted but I'm not a teenager I was adopted in 1953 and my life has been difficult to say the least. Canadian doctor Gabor Mate speaks of addiction to a myriad of things and attributes it to trauma experienced during the first eighteen months of life .In our case it's the trauma experienced in our mother's womb which we share with her and after birth when she gives us away. There's no recall only implicit memory as the brain isn't fully developed so explicit memory isn't possible. However we do remember the trauma on an emotional level but can't deal with it as we cannot recall it so we're up the creek in a barbed wire canoe. The research being done nowadays makes the lives of younger adoptees much happier which is wonderful but us oldies haven't had that chance. However there is some joy in knowing that younger adoptees will have the opportunity to improve their lives.
As an adoptee that was basically told to believe that I needed to be more grateful and learned nothing about grief until my late 30's, its so easy to be in denial because the main message I was told in my 20 years in and out of therapy in AA, not one person I met trying to help me could tell me that adoption could possibly cause any issues I was having, It was the cause of every single issue I was dealing with. Its insane what I went through and my AP's blamed me for me not knowing how how to deal with overwhelming grief. I was punished, sent to military school, and still to this day they say its my fault, even though I was Latino in a white family, never taught about race, grief, or any sort of problems that could have been caused from being separated from my mom at birth, loss of genetic mirroring, loss of access to my birth certificate, loss of culture, loss of all these things that were killing me. Lack of educated adoptive parents on race and grief, and other issues can seriously mess up a child's life permanently.
It broke my heart to be adopted. I thought was stolen. it is heartbreaking for me. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I feel so alone , invisible, unloved and walking question mark. I never got to be me
I'm adopted. I have struggled my entire life feeling love. It's not an inability to do so, but it was always different than what I saw with biologically related families. Then, I had my own two children. Holy smokes. I was so forked up when my son was first born. I didn't treat him very well because i didn't know what to feel. I deal with regret and shame every day trying to make it right. Then, I realized that there was a love for him (and later my daughter) which literally didn't compare to anything, besides that which I felt during a Near Death Experience a long time ago. Since I realized that I was dealing with a feeling for which I had little to compare with, I have made it my sole focus to show my children as much love as they showed me that I'm capable of. I hate myself more than anything else in this world for how my son's first year was. I'll never forgive myself, and I don't deserve forgiveness. My fate seems sealed, but my entire existence is embodying this enormous love I have for my own children.
I was in a teenage residence for "troubled teens" back in the 70s. I was often asked if I thought my adoption had anything to do with my problems. I had no idea what to say. I was too young to really know what was going on. It was all very confusing. I would say "no" They'd write something down. And that was the end of it My experience with adoption didn't go well. I responded as if Id been kidnapped. All I could do was keep my feelings to myself and pray that age 18 would hurry up. I was "returned" to the state at 14. I was a lot to handle. I dint follow rules. I ran away. I cut school to avoid bullies. I eventually just stopped going. Interstingly, I attended the high school in the next town over by way of a friend who said I was a relative from out of town. I was actually able to attend for about 4 weeks. Then they figured out something was up. Id been abused in foster care. I found out , something I was telling people was true, that I had an older sister, was actually true. , but was always told it was my imagination. They insisted I was an only child. I had 2 older brothers and a sister I t caused me to act out in strange ways. I wont get into the details. I'll leave it here
Been a long time since I was a teen; but I was adopted at birth. I went through a lot of struggles with it and unfortunately my adoptive family wasn't great. I always felt like an outsider. Having my first child, looking into the face of someone blood related for the first time in my life, was an incredible experience. Distancing myself from my adoptive family and building my own life with my own family I think helped me do a lot of thinking and healing, but I think there are still some wounds that haven't healed.
all of my issues I pin point to the birth mother I never met and the "mistake" of being told it was arranged before my birth. I relate to all of this. I re experienced the abandonment over and over. I caught the pattern and I am terrified it will happen again and I have a hard time getting close to anyone. Thank you for this video. There are alot of breakthroughs in Psychology these days. Whatever it takes I will grow up and do something meaningful. Im 45, chronically underhoused and a recovering addict.
I’m so sorry for what you had to go through.. I hope my son doesn’t feel this way when he is older. I am a man who had a child with a women who gave up our son for adoption. She planned it behind my back before he was born. I never consented. I fought all the way and spent tens of thousands of dollars. In the end the judge terminated my rights because she said I couldn’t prove that I supported my ex. I hope someday he knows his daddy at least wanted him. My ex does have open adoption with him so I hope maybe that will help some abandonment issues if they may arise. They won’t allow me to have open adoption at the moment now because my ex said no and because they’re mad I fought to keep him. Almost like I’m being punished for trying to keep my son. They won’t even give me a photo of him. I’m 32 and was an addict in my early twenties so I know how hard that is. I’ll never be able to understand your pain of feeling abandoned and not being able to get close to others. I hope and pray you feel and get better. Please hang on. You’re worth it.
Thanks very much for taking time to explain your experience as a therapist and your theories. So many adoptees are looking for answers to why we feel the way we do, where it originated from, and how we can over come our emotions. Resources like this are very helpful for us., thank you!
The Primal Wound was the first book to recognise adoptions inherent trauma but never discovered the process.I met Nancy many years ago. The process I describe is called preverbal trauma and it occurs when the infant is taken from the mother. I identified the actual process and why therapy often fails. I also posted my intervention model that I use successfully in my practice. I am happy to share it Bob Hafetz
hi Bob, i would be interested in reading what you have developed on this, if you are ok with that. how to do that youtube comments I have no idea though!
@@convictjoe Link to articles independent.academia.edu/RobertHafetz www.academia.edu/35189016/Therapeutic_Intervention_Model_for_Adoptive_Families My email is roberthafetz@verizon.net phone 267-337-4548 contact me
Bob I am middle aged my body and brain is worn out with the pain and stress of it all and the repercussions. Mindful meditation helps but does not help me accept the past history that is spiritual for me. Not able to do yoga gym anymore loads of health issues not adressed so how do I release the trapped tension.. getting medical help soon but there is permanent damage done. Will look into getting your book or research... Thankyou
There's complexity in the practice of disoption and adoption but one thing I can assure you of is that most mothers/parents are kept away from their child who was taken for adoption by the adopters &/or the state, so the majority of the people who deny the teenaged adopted person the answers to their questions etc are those who purport to "have the best interests and welfare of the child" at heart. Guardianship is a far better way to care for children who cannot be parented by their biological family; it keeps everything real.
That’s an interesting point about guardianship. Takes us to the definition of what is a parent. Although it’s easier to try to form a deeper bond with somebody you call a parent or child.
I was adopted at 6 months old and I never felt a connection to my cousins or relatives growing up. I never had an issue connecting to my parents until I had my own child. I started to question how a parent could choose to give up their child. In my situation I was handed off to a random man at the hospital after my biological mother was discharged and was lucky enough that he didn’t do anything to me. It freaks me out that my biological mother did nothing to assure my safety and did nothing to make sure I was adopted into a good loving home. I got so lucky. For a while I had issues with my adoptive mother after having my son. I felt that she never had that connection with me and that there was no way she felt the love I feel for my son. We talked a lot about it and I think at the end of the day my adoptive mom has her own set of issues expressing emotions but I can only imagine what others go thru if they have less supportive adoptive parents. Great video!
That is interesting Carolina. I am glad you ended up in a safe environment. I was adopted at 6 weeks. I had loving but very strict parents. I have discussed this with my husband who is not adopted. He too was raised strictly but in a colder environment. He could not remember ever being hugged or feeling secure. His conclusion was that it perhaps does not matter if you are an adopted or biological child if your parents have baggage or repeat what they know it makes no difference. I think he may have a point there.
I am going through some major changes in my life and started seeing a therapist. I'm an adopted child and my therapist and I began exploring the idea of adoption/abandonment issues. I am finding that my much of my life has been affected by this issue. I find that your explanation adds more validity to this possibly be a major reason for my lifestyle, and my failed relationships. Thank you I look forward to learning more as I begin to follow you
As an adoptee myself I recommend Coming Home To Self and Primal Wound , both by Nancy Newton Verrier. An author and counsellor with experience in adoption issues.
Elizabeth, thank you for this video ! I needed to find this at the time in my life I did. I was adopted at birth and have had all sorts of issues since I was a kid and never understood why this all makes so much sense now!
My neighbor of 6 years was adopted at birth. Andy talked about it sometimes. He was special to me. He wouldn't let me too close.Andy was an alcoholic. Last Spring he didn't show up for work. The police came to do a welfare check. They found Andy passed away on the floor. He was dressed for work. He had been sick but didn't go to the doctor. I think he probably had Covid. It breaks my heart that he was alone. If he could have let someone get close to him he would probably be here today. He was only 46 years old. I know he isn't hurting anymore and rests in Jesus loving arms. I just wish he could have been ok.
I was adopted at birth, to this day there are certain songs that effect me emotionally from the very first time I heard them that were all over the radio while I was in the womb, now more than ever I wish more adoptive parents would have been truly qualified to raise an adoptee.
I am adopted. And I don’t think I ever said it. I think I’ve suppressed everything. Idk where to even begin I don’t feel anything at all. I was also adopted into a white family and I never felt close to them because of that. I was also so embarrassed to not look like my parents. This video helped a lot
As a birthmother, your verbiage about birth parents disturbs me. A lot of us were coerced and pressured into placing our kids for adoption. The adoption industry is a predatory industry, encouraging separation of infant an REAL Mother, to place baby with strangers, instead of having resources available to help vulnerable women facing these decisions. Understand all views from the triad please, before you judge.
@@Conor1122-t3f i myself was in the system I've been in one foster home where im still living i was never mistreated in no way shape or form by the people who raised me just because i was raised in a nice home doesn't mean im not aware what's going on my foster mom thinks i don't have no business speaking on the social ills of adoption because it didn't happen to me or how do i know it happens in the system that's like say i shouldn't speak on police brutality because i haven't experienced it when millions of people are victims of gunfire by police
As an adult adoptee with a lot of repressed anger who as a toddler experienced disonnection, withdrawal from adults which later turned into severe depression and self harm I agree 100%.
I've seen adoptees with a fallacy that they feel as though their adopted families have performed some act of charity by adopting an otherwise undesirable or disposable child. They said that this feeling explained the hatred towards their adopted parents that they knew was wrong. Totally agree that it's actually the displaced abandonment trauma that should be placed on birth parents, but since they're inaccessible it's misplaced on adopted parents. As a result, they have this unworthiness mindset concerning their indentity and the idea of rejection.
Here is another theory, some parents adopt for the wrong reasons. In my case, I was purchased as a pet for my older sister who is their bio. She had extreme behavior issues and still does as a 63 year old woman. It also gained them social status in their church, that is until that wore away with time. It appealed to my a mother's need for attention. I was called the adopted one until in my 20s just in case their was someone that didn't understand how awesome she was. My a father was abusive, broken bones and near death experiences by choking. They had another bio, so I was the adoptee in the middle. I got to see what is was like for them, cars, trips, experiences, affection, but none of that was for me. I am in my late 50s and when I look back, I think I began to hate them at age 12 after an especially bad physical abuse incident. Great theories, hopefully you have a keen eye and open mind to look at the bigger picture.
I am so sorry that was your experience. I'm an adoptee, but I was raised an only child - no brothers or sisters. I can't imagine being labelled "the adopted one" or the other abuses you describe. Virtual bear hug, but as an adoptee I suspect hugs aren't the most comfortable thing :)
Does anyone here have the experience of always knowing they were adopted? When my parents told me at 5 that I was adopted my response was, "I know". I just always knew, it was never a secret.
Wow same, I remember so vividly the day that my adoptive parents told me that they were not my biological parents. Strangely, I neither felt nor registered any "shock" or "surprise". It was like I already knew too on a deeply intuitive level... that is not to say that I did not have trauma to be cleared however, which has made itself a lot more evident now that I am older, and I believe strong enough to face it.
Happened the same to me. I always new and would ask questions about it for my parents, especially my mother, and they would always hide the truth from me and make me feel guilty and sometimes even insane for wanting answers. I got the truth during my teenage years and it was the most hurtful experience of my life to get to know about the biological parents and also recall so many memories of things that I have heard and things done to me by my adoptive family not only evolving the fact that I was the adopted one but other situations that i don't even want to mention because of how hurtful they are.
I think possibly you left out another category. Closed adoptions in 1960s where babies were left for weeks in hospitals until adopted. I was not adopted until 6 weeks of age. Nurses in hospital looked after me until I was adopted. Regards.
It is my understanding that they didn't just leave babies there for weeks before they could get adopted but rather wanted to watch the babies for 6 wks to make sure they were ok and somehow thought this was the best thing..... They just didn't realize so much then, unfortunately!!! It was 6 wks across the board for everybody though, that was policy. I think women's groups such as the junior league would volunteer n go rock n feed etc too. It was 7wks with me as there was a virus in the nursery n they wouldn't let me go till they knew I wasn't going to get sick n be ok. Kinda stupid if u think about it, if they are going to hand me over to these ppl to care for the rest of my life, don't they think I'll be sick at some point n if they can't trust them to take care of me sick, they shouldn't give me to them! Lol smh
@@jangayle7960 I didn't know that Jan, very interesting. I was actually born and adopted in New Zealand, 1968 to be exact. Adoption was so common at that time wasn't it. My mother (mother who adopted me, I am afraid I am an adopted person who believes she only has one mother and that the person who birthed me will never hold that title), said that she was told she was getting a boy and another couple were going to get me. When they both got there at same time they were able to do a swap as my Mum wanted a girl and they wanted a boy. Much less complicated back then for sure, just a quick change of paper work 😁☺️
@@majk7215 Oh no, I'm with you on the who my parents are,!! The other ppl are my biological parents. But OH DEAR LAWDS,!!! I can not believe they let them just swap like that! Lol That is pretty wild!! I know my moma would have swapped n got the boy if she could have!!! Lol I just recently lost my last parent n I got the letters they(moma really) wrote to the children's home n she just kept on n on about how she could not wait to get her boy!!😕 Lol Its not like I didn't realize she was partial to my brother at this point, but man was it obvious then!! Then after they got me, at the end of that letter she makes sure they know they'll be ready to come get that boy as soon as they have them one!!! 🙃 Smh. Kinda hate I can't tell them your story!! Moma would be so jealous!! Ha! But yes, the 6 wks, that was the custom then, it wasn't a matter of waiting till somebody wanted you, it was they would not let the babies be released till 6 wks old to make sure we were ok!!😕🙄 Lol sorry for the faces but some just require it!! So you were NOT just left till somebody wanted you n it may seem common back then, prior to abortion being legal here in US but there were long waiting lists n couples were clamouring for babies!!! If they made biological parents go through what all our parents went through to get us there would not be a population problem now!! It was quite extensive!!!! There really wasn't anything I guess my parents haven't told me about, probably because I've always been so inquisitive, but I imagine everything but anything to do with identifying info they told me. I am not sure how closely the rules were in New Zealand but I can't imagine it was vastly different. N im just a hair above you, born in 64, final papers not till a year later, as per rules. I'd be happy to share everything with you I know n would love to compare notes, that would be pretty cool!!! But, as you can see, I'm not the writer,! My X laughed at me when I got to Hemingway in English comp at college, he told me I'd love him because we write alike with 3 or 4 run on sentences n I'll admit I've gotten much worse with texting vocabulary plus my own abbreviations n throw in a few medical abbreviations n it does take some work esp if I'm wound up!🤓😄
@@majk7215 oh n were u given any pictures of you being a newborn infant? That's always kinda bugged me, I have zero pics of me prior to almost 2 months old.😔
About the third theory, the rage against the adoptive parents, we actually learned about this during our classes for long term foster parents. I came to see it as a way of healing when the birth parent and adoptive/foster parent figures start to merge in the child`s mind. My foster son came to live with me at 2 years old and had severe attachment issues. When he accused me of hitting his older brother (that I had only seen during a few supervised visits at the time) I knew he was starting to see me as Mum and that meant he had the chance to learn to trust again.
@A O He was 3 years old at the time and suffering from flashbacks. I had seen his brother only a few times during supervised visits. He is six now and a great kid :)
I’m adopted and found out a year ago, I’m a grown adult and feel like this trauma will never go away…and i wish someone would have talked to me about this.
I have found most the people I know who weee adopted have trauma and emotional distress from it even when they grew up with loving adopted parents. But they try to hide it from their adoptive parents out of fear of hurting them.
As an adoptee Transactional Analysis worked well for me and I then realised how much time I spent in "Child Mode" Good luck and best wishes to all fellow adoptees . Here's hoping you all have some understanding and peace of something that WAS NOT OUR FAULT. Or of our making.
Reading The Primal Wound in my 70s was a Rosetta Stone to understanding my own life struggles as well as my sister's, also adopted. But another source of theory that might be useful depending on the circumstances is Third Culture Kids. Now imagine an adolescent being both adopted and a TCK. That combo might interest a specialist in adolescent psychology. Thank you for the video. The more people aware of the consequences of adoption the better.
I have a son who was conceived from rape before I was in the picture. I knew his mom since early in her pregnancy. I "adopted" him even though I'm his father on his birth certificate. We've been married and had 2 more children. He has dark skin, and his mom and I have light skin. With his younger brother who is my biological son, raising him has come naturally. With my oldest non-biological son, things did not come naturally. As a toddler, he was overly intimidated by me. I think he feels that his identity is extremely different than mine. There are things he has interests in that clearly came from neither his mom nor me since childhood. Genetics and physical appearance plays a huge role in his identity. I believe that for my oldest son, pregnancy only plays a tiny role, and genetics far outweigh the influence on his identity. He's turning 13 and I'm very transparent with him. He has always known I'm not his biological father, but I am his dad. He agrees there are regular or trauma inducing traits that are possibly genetic (such as a fear of heights). His biological dad would have likely understood or recognized those things long before I did. I recognize times when he is overtly defiant towards me and wants to ignore me. I want to show patience in those times but also to know the appropriate response at other times.
ABSOLUTE root to developmental trauma!!!, Hits the abandonment, rejected baby from the beginning...The survival energy is what keeps the kiddos alive,...
Adoption can't be perfect , for whatever reason an infant being separated from its mother is awful. BUT please give the adopters some credit. Yes the adoptee is the most important person in all this but, adopters in most cases have tried to give adootees a loving, normal'ish' life that they couldn't have with their biological mum. Please let's give them some credit (in the majority of cases), they've done a good job. Most adopters no doubt adore their adopted children and are devastated to find after all their nurturing it wasn't good enough.
It goes without saying that the adoptive parents are doing the best they can in most cases; this is about the adoptee. My adoptive family was loving and solid, but I still have struggled with the effects of trauma my whole life..I’m 54 now.
Some adoptive parents as well as being well meaning and doing a reasonable job of providing for their kids... just didnt want to know or acknowledge their or their own loss pain or unhappiness or raw feelings of their kid.. and the kid was partly rejected and judged for being affected by their trauma. How could a kid make sense or explain fully even when they tried if they were gaslit and fobbed off or told they should be grateful... or shamed as unwanted and illegitimate.... trying to meet the parents needs for the child they couldn't have and denying supressing their own inner emotional reality trying to be a good child despite it all.
Ok let's investigate what you are saying with these baby purchasers. You are saying that these people are just wonderful altruistic folks that open their homes to us poor unwanted waifs with no ulterior motives just for our own good. In most cases I disagree with you. In most cases these are rich and or influincial people who have mental health issues caused by years of infertility. They can't have their own baby and they feel bad and ineffectual and less than because of that, and maybe it's even true. They also have built up this incredible and elaborate fantasy in the years of not having a baby of what such a child could be and there is little to no room for a real baby. While all of this is regrettable and sad these people's therapists and phychatrists have yet to repair them and it is certainly highly abusive to expect an infant or young child to have to deal with people like this and on top of all of that our own traumas and identity issues as well as all the the false non identifying information and gaslighting along with how greatful for all of it we are told we should be.
I hope that they are devistated and they grow up and realize half truths are whole lies and their participation in the legalized human trafficking industry was not asked for or desired and that at least a few of us myself included would have perfered the few minutes it would have taken to be cut to pieces and vaccummed out of our mothers as opposed to being forced into 18 years with them.
The Primal Wound is a crucial read for the adoptive parents as well as the adoptee. As an adoptee, I have experienced horrible pain from my primal wound but I do acknowledge my adoptive parents did their best. I wish they had read the book before adopting me and understanding the trauma I carried with me and not to take it personally which people inevitably do when lacking this info.
My birth mother was 17. A baby herself really. When I think back to me being 17. My daughter at 17. She was "sent away", the pregnancy was shameful. That was the start of my life. I was given up for adoption. She was alone during her labour. It was long, hard and scary. She snuck down to see me, but was advised not to. I was not held by the person I was born from. I was removed. I was cared for. I was adopted by really loving people, who I do see as my parents. But they never were , not really. AND you know it. You know that. But you dont know why you feel unloved when you are. You dont know why you cant "fit in" anywhere and why your thoughts are not the same as your families - you dont know the chemicals and smells of your new life. You do not relate to your parents like genetic family does. I could see that when I had my own child. Some things are just genetic - like, it is hard to explain, and of course, as a child not having it, you dont know you dont have it - but it IS missing. I can see that now. You also never feel like you are part of ANY family - even when you meet your bio family - they are too long apart. I dont feel "rejected" or unloved. I did for a while, but when I met my bio family, I understood that it wasnt me. That was helpful. But the scars are there. The brain of a baby cannot comprehend why the baby is not with the smells, pheramones and chemicals of mom. They can be held, loved and comforted, but the fear has set in, the body is in fear. It never leaves. Not really. And then you grow up alone inside. If you are unlucky, you turn to bad things like drugs to cope. If you seek some kind of connection, like I did (and still do), you pick the wrong ways to find that, and you often end up not being able to have normal relationships because you do not really understand .
I agree 100%. I too was adopted at birth. I unfortunately wasn't able to connect to my adopted parents and as a result, I have been depressed, suicidal and self destructive all my life. At 53, I'm unable to bond with others, I've never been in a relationship. I've always known something was not right and that it had something to do with me being adopted. This just validates what I have always known. Aside from, hoping I'm healed by my Lord Jesus Christ via Holy Spirit, I dont know what to do. 7 billion ppl on the planet and you can't seem to connect to anyone, it's a lonely place. ☹️
@@derekdowney3119 As an adoptee myself two books that helped me understand things (Not cure ) were both by the same author - Nancy Newton Verrier. "Coming Home to Self" and "Primal Wound"
@Nate-gv4ph 1 year ago As an adoptee myself two books that helped me understand things (Not cure ) were both by the same author - Nancy Newton Verrier. "Coming Home to Self" and "Primal Wound"
So true. I was fortunate to meet Nancy Verrier in the 1980s when all this was first discussed. I'm still "an adopted child" at age 69 but have known what's going on with me since then.
Adoption is better than allowing children to aged in foster care. Their parents couldn't just do it. They can't do it. Some people that refused to give out their children for adoption end up committing murder or killing their own children. And if adopting parents are made to look bad then more children will suffer.
I'm an adoptive mother of an adoptee at birth. We raised her always speaking openly of her adoption. Knowing someday she would look for birth parents. Someday came too soon, adolescent age prompted me telling her birthmother had died when she was 2 yrs old. At the age of 22 my daughter and me are estranged most of the time. I continue to research to educate myself. And I will always support her and love her. My hope is she recognizes her true trauma and stops blaming me and everyone around her. Therapy was a failure for her.
As an adoptive mother putting myself in the place of my children, I instinctively figured all this out. I am so glad now that there is research, therapy, and grown adoptees to express and help with all this. This is an excellent presentation.
What’s even more traumatizing is realizing you are the scapegoat in a narcissistic adoptive family. It’s like rejection all over again as an adult. Any studies been done on this dynamic? My brother who was also adopted prior to me is the golden child and is scapegoating me so he can get me written out of any inheritance as he has serious addictions issues and is stealing and exploiting our mother who doesn’t care and has some dementia
I feel like adoption is a form of societal kidnapping. Hear me out. Let's say you're a pregnant woman. You are poor/unmarried/too young/too sick, and you don't have the resources to care for a child or the amount of stigma is so high that you cannot keep your baby even if you want to. You *have to* "give" your child up for adoption. Society *could* support you. Society could give welfare, put day care in high schools, pay for health care and home help, help you socially to not be ashamed, but society instead tells you to "give" your baby to total strangers to raise. This is done under duress. It is not a gift. The child is taken. The same people who will tell you not to have an abortion (or force you to not have an abortion) won't hesitate to kidnap your baby. Obviously, there are children in need of love and care, and this could be done through guardianship vs adoption. The main distinction is that the guardian is not legally the child's parent. The other distinction is that the birth parents would (usually) be able to maintain contact with their child. (In the case of abuse, violence, death of parent, this would need to be modified.) This would be different from fostering in that guardianship would be intended for the long term, like the child's whole childhood, when the parents will not be able to care for the child. It's a tough situation, and therapy should be included. The other question then is: Why are there so many children in need of love and care? What is going on in society that causes this? How can we repair society so we don't need adoption? Anyway, that's my thought about adoption. I'm not adopted. I haven't adopted a child. My dad was half adopted by his widowed mother's second husband. I have cousins who were adopted in what I now think of as the kidnapping method. (See _Philomena_ for details.) I don't think that adoption is a "loving" alternative to abortion. Make of this what you will.
P.S. I think it's also traumatic for the birth parent. I knew a woman who was forced to put her baby up for adoption. She later became a private investigator, helping others find lost family members and whatever else PI's do. She never found her daughter.
I know you needed to condense what you were saying, so take this worth a grain of salt, but my collogues and I watch this video and found some things to be lacking. How many of the cases you have handled are closed adoptions? How many of the adoptions were kept a secret for a long stretch of time? How many of the children which you have served entered into an abusive environment? There are many questions that ought to be asked. On the positive side of this critique, as an adoptee myself (pastor Alec) I can tell you for a fact that I and many another adoptees whom I know have struggled with finding acceptance even though we came from loving homes. There is trauma at birth.
I wasn't adopted. My mom was my mom. But I do come from a long line of generational trama. Your title made me think of that movie Inside. I believe Riley's birth mother was ND and that the pain of her being forced to give her baby away caused Riley's sadness from birth.
I'm seventy and have been through two marriages a life of addiction (you name it and I've used it) and can't build a relationship with my children. and it's only since I've found videos on the subject that I've started to understand why my life has been full of pain. All I have now is a lot of questions.
My parents won’t even give me the real details of my adoption. Supposedly they have NO birth certificate. Yet they know when our birthday is. NO record of who we were.. yet my twin and I found our passports from when we were baby with our actual names on them. There’s a lot of secrecy. And I’m not sure why.
I don't know how old you are but I think sometimes adoptive parents are trying to keep their adopted children 'safe' until they are 18 and emotionally old enough to handle it all. They want them to have a childhood without the shadow of birth parents hanging over them. Then when you are 18 you can legally access your file and find out who your birth parents are should you wish to. Some adoptees don't choose to search until they are older or when they have become parents themselves or their adoptive parents have passed away or whatever. Some are happy not knowing and some have a burning desire to know where they came from. Everyone is different.
To answer your first questions. Because adoptive parents, like the rest of society, doesn't acknowledge that separating a baby from their mother is traumatic. Because that would mean they'd have to re-think the exploitative adoption system and realise how unethical it is. So this is why so many adoptees struggle with depression (grief), addiction (for self-soothing) and suicide. Because society won't acknowledge that grief.
@@williamjameslehy1341 I'm clearly talking about the infant adoption system which seeks to separate mothers and babies. Which is what the video is about. Did you even watch the video? It's about why adoptee trauma isn't acknowledged, and I was answering the question. You've descended into whatabaoutism without thinking things through. What you're talking about is a child protection system, which is different. Did I say that kids should be in group homes? I'm talking about the trauma that a baby suffers when they are separated from their mother (even if that separation needs to happen). No other country has a infant/ private adoption system or culture like America. It's unethical and traumatic and exploitative. In the UK for example there is no such thing as an 'unwanted child'. There is free contraception, abortions and welfare/ housing to support young mothers. Babies/ children are only removed if there is abuse, and kinship arrangements are sought first. Then adoption is a final resort.
there are a lot of generalisations here , especially about adopted kids hating their adoptive parents. there are huge problems with raises adopted kids and little guidance. some of the greatest people in history were orphans or adopted, like every super hero. I like the book loves hidden symmetries, has some interesting generalisations too
I've finally started therapy to address my adoption/relinquishment trauma, which was exacerbated by my narcissistic adoptive mother and a very chaotic upbringing. I wish I would've done this years ago. I'm close to beginning a search for my birth family, but trying to temper the desire to reconnect with an understanding that I can't go into that with any preconceived notions or expectations. This video by Paul Sunderland was my first real introduction to this topic, and I'm really glad more people are beginning to take this seriously. There are a lot of broken people out there without the vocabulary to talk about their pain, because the primary narrative still favors the adoptive and birth parents' struggles, rather than the adoptees who had no agency whatsoever in what was happening to them. Let's keep this conversation going. Just talking about it openly has changed my life, although I have a long, long way to go still: ua-cam.com/video/Y3pX4C-mtiI/v-deo.html&ab_channel=pandaluna
It is a noble thing to give a home to an orphan..... be open, honest and fun loving with your child. Be educated in separation trauma from the mother, child development, and on love languages (how your child needs to be loved to feel love). Develop your child's innate gifts and talents. Have a strong support system.......And last but not least, pray to the Lord for wisdom to love and raise your child. You will then be a great parent. And God will bless you......the rewards are eternal 😇.
As an adoptee I don't feel it should be stopped, I feel it should be done in an educated and empathetic way. Just go in with eyes wide open. Babies still need somebody to raise them when their bio parents don't.
It's because the adoptive parents think they are aaviours and don't give a shit about our trauma. They put their heads in the sand and shame us or call us ungrateful or worse.
Why were they not ur brothers and sisters? Not being rude but if I found out tomorrow my sisters and me weren't biologically related all along I would grieve the loss of DNA but that bond for the last 20 years won't just go in the trash n they become "strangers"
@@shanawesthoff9622 the solution is to try and maintain family connections wherever possible. If a birth parent can't raise their child, is there a grandparent or aunt or cousin that can? There's a lot of research on the importance of having genetic mirroring in your household, so if you can find someone who still shares a lot of the child's genes, it's SO much better for their mental health. If there's nobody else in the family that can take the child in, are there at least relatives that can be in the child's life? That won't be as good as living with them, but it still helps for a child to know their genetic relatives and feel that inherent sense of family and belonging that doesn't exist in genetic strangers.
For me being adopted was a double edge sword. I did not fit in. I still do not fit in. Failure to fit in to what I see as foolishness for the most part. The masses live lives of quiet desperation. This doctor or therapist the lawyer the judge all wear a mask.You hold your destiny in your own hands. Inspire yourself dont look to others because they cannot help you. God gave you a mission to achieveve on earth. You have a patch of ground to work which is your destiny. No one else can do what you do. Do not imitate anyone ever. Blaze your own trail. Be your own person. Your character defines you. People hide behind a variety of masks hoping they wont be exposed. In my opinion social niceties get in the way of real communication. Be original be real. Living in the precious present is true happiness. Stop fighting the current of life let go and enjoy the ride. Each and every moment of life is new and alive. When you align with your destiny life is smooth sailing.
Thank you for this video. You said that “pop culture” has more understanding of international adoption from orphanages. I’m not sure where you were coming from in that though. Perhaps as far as research studies? As far as general knowledge and empathy I have found that untrue in my experience as the parent of my now 18 year old daughter who spent her first 9 months without an individual caretaker. It’s not been easy to find the help we need. We need more even though we see 2 counselors and a psychiatrist. I am very interested in trying to help my daughter who has developmental trauma from birth. (I now accept this-I was not knowledgeable enough at the time to realize how much it affected her until she became a teen). Things I know: 1. birth Mom had gestational diabetes which on top of what you said about birthmom trying not to bond with infant probably didn’t help my daughter. 2. My daughter broke her collar bone during birth. That’s another stressor on a newborn. 3. She was left in the hospital for 3 months to heal before being moved to a baby house/orphanage. 4. While the caretakers seemed caring, there are so many babies to care for, they are neglected from that one on one parental love. Having my birth kids as well, I feel so sad missing all of that growth and care and bonding my daughter didn’t have. No wonder her brain didn’t get to grow as it should have with the one on one care. One thing I’d like to suggest in respect of birth parents. Many “make an adoption plan” very carefully. They don’t “give up” their baby. I’ve seen firsthand how carefully they can plan-excited for a better life than she can give to baby-yet mixed with that sadness of not being able to care for baby as she would like to. Thanks again.
As an international adoptee from a Romanian orphanage (the exact country she’s referring to with that statement), I can GUARANTEE you that very few people even know there was a genocide in Romania, let alone anything about the details. It’s offensive that she said pop culture knows anything about this. Developmental psychologists and neuroscientists know about this. Not the general public.
@@aliioana8586 Hello, Ioana! I am also from Romania. I've read a lot about the horrible state of the "orphanages" back in Ceauşescu's regime and I am horrified to know that was real! Of course, what was uncovered will never grasp the magnitude of damage those places did... I am so sorry for what you must have gone through! My heart and well wishes go out to you 🤗 I hope you know what a fighter you are, a survivor that keeps going! I am discussing with my husband the option of adopting a child as I have a history of depression (both myself and generational) and I'm scared of being pregnant as it would lead to hormonal imbalances and possibly severe post-partum depression. I have been in therapy for a few years and it's been an immense help. Being an empath has always seemed like a bad thing to me, making me susceptible to emotional manipulation, poor boundaries, a people pleaser and so on. I've been working hard at adressing those issues and can genuinely say I'm in a totally different place than I was back in my 20's. I am looking to educate myself on the topic of adoption and stumbled across this video. Honestly, it seems a bit... demoralizing. I cannot speak from the perspective of an adoptee as I am not one myself. Having said that, speaking from the perspective of someone who has had to claw their way out of generational trauma, to work really hard on healing and accepting myself, I can say that all children are fighters, trying to cope in their own ways, trying to make the best of the cards they have been dealt at birth. I admire those who look within themselves and adress the issues they find. It is brave, in my opinion. This is why this video seems belitteling to me. I would love to read your perspective. Also, as someone who has gone through the adoption process, made more challenging by the change of language and culture, what is your opinion on adoption, bonding with adoptive parents and so on. Thank you for taking the time to read this long comment (if you had the time) and sorry for rambling! 😅
Oh so you're saying there are boundaries with what you are supposed to feel when you are taught that a lie is keeping correct information from someone who has a right to it. I think there should be boundaries about how many right people who think they can buy a baby and remake this babies identity into whatever these so called parents expect and only have the warm body remaining of the child. You give these people way too much credit most of them are not good people they are very selfish people.
I still have no right to legally severe their paperwork or get my real birth certificate and I only now got a full medical history via ancestory. My advice to my fellow adoptees is don't believe a word they tell you alot of unidentifying info is obscured or just lies and most of the time you will he better off when you find your family and ask them.
@@megnemo6403 Couldent agree more about not trusting your adoptive parents by law they were supposed to give me all the information about my birth parents when I turned 18 dident receive my birth certificate and the truth until I was 19. They kept giving me hope I would be able to meet my birth mother turns out she has been dead 8 years and they kept it from me. Dont trust a word they tell you.
@@saywhat7734 I'm so sorry my mother also died before I found her too. There is no comfort in this all we can do is spread awareness and fight for the generations that follow us. I wish I could hug you and make it all stop but alas I can't.
Really appreciate the video and research and effort. Can I point out that the "hate" doesn't belong to the birth mother. In most cases she had no real choice. Religious organizations know this, and harvest baby-products to sell to the adoption industry for $40,000, if they're white. The birth mother gets nothing but shamed. She is just slave labor. It's the pimps and the Johns - the agencies and the baby purchasers who get the hate. They earned it. I'm going to guess that you're finding that among your 25% adoptee client population that most of their adoptive households are run by a narcissist. We need data on the abuse that many of us are the survivors of. The stories will blow your mind.
I didn’t give my baby for adoption. My baby was kidnapped at 5 days old. Government decides who can be a Mother and who cannot that. This is legal child Trafficking.
I get told I'm wrong all the time when I say that CPS/DHS etc are trafficking even despite their own research stating most the abuse and trafficking comes from them. I haven't personally dealt with them but have countless family members x's and friends who have and used to watch a YT channel that constantly covered cases of what you speak of. I also, being an adoptee, did my senior project on adoption, wanted to be a foster parent, and back in 2004 encountered many hidden and ugly truths about CPS/DHS/etc. (I've been called a conspiracy theorist when I try to put out truthful information about what the government agencies are doing, despite it being so well documented) the brainwashing of society is very real and it's frustrating to watch for as long as I have in many areas of "reality"... it's infuriating when you're labeled as sick, crazy, unable to function, stupid, delusional, etc, even though your doctors and shrinks insist you're above average IQ, correct, and so on... and know that you're witnessing an insane society. I concluded years ago and my doctors agree, that, I'm not the " sick " or crazy one, society is sick. so for a sick society to say I'm the sick one I wear it as a badge of honor. doesn't make the isolation any less painful or the hurtful names and crazy accusations and labels less damaging, I definitely have to talk myself up more than I should to counter the negativity thrown my way, but, I'm glad I'm not them and don't want to be... I'm sorry for what's been done to you and your child, it really is an injustice and I won't lie and say "I'm sure things will work out" or "one day things will be better" because that's not true. it's criminal what's been done to you and every second that you are separated from your child, is pain suffering and damage that should have never happened in the first place by, quite frankly, an illegal court and authoritative agency, and this crime/these crimes, we're done to two people, you and your child. as well as every other parent(s) and child/ren this is and has been done to. I know it's just one case, but the case of Logan Marr really upsets me. mostly because it happened so long ago and the problem continues but it ended in the death of a child that was taken for no good reason, mostly over the moms mother disagreeing with how the mom was raising her daughter and calling CPS on her own daughter. how many bs calls do these places get where the children are removed and lives are forever ruined. I know I'm speaking to the choir here, I'm sorry again that this happened to you. I really hope you're able to get you're child back (id say if you do leave your state to one where you won't be pursued by them as much. it's not a great way to live but this world is controlled by pedophiles and inbred psychopaths, so, justice being served is, at this point, with the brainwashed masses, nothing more than wishful thinking, sadly.) I truly wish nothing but the best for you 🕉 🙏🏼नमस्ते🙏🏼 (ηαмαѕтє)
My son was also abducted in my opinion. I’m the father though. My ex put our son up for adoption and I never consented. I contested the adoption and hired a lawyer but I lost. For the stupidest reason too.
As an adoptee I thought Primal Wound would be a great read and help me understand and learn. It's awful. Constantly portraying an adopted child as permanently damaged and fractured emotionally. If I was looking to adopt a child, I would be totally off by this book loading up the issues I would face throughout this child's growing years and into adulthood. Yes, adoptees have varying thoughts and challenges from being totally uninterested in the fact they were/are adoptees to finding it problematic or anywhere in between but the irony of this book is it paints a bottle half empty or negative picture of all adopted people which can only make it harder for a child to be adopted should a potential parent read it. PS - With respect, unless you are adopted yourself, you cannot write or teach about being adopted other than in an academic way and I believe this book was written by such an author. Sure, write about the research or the experience of parenting an adoptee but, the whole experience of being adopted is within and cannot be understood unless you are yourself adopted.
Thanks for your insight, as someone contemplating Adoption, I felt compelled to look for that book to read. It feels scary that despite ones best efforts you would still be raising complex human beings with their own feelings....just like natural born children anyway, but so much scarier for adopted ones.
@@EKL-vf9qj- I agree with the original poster about the book, but what you have to realise is that these days every child up for adoption will have suffered some form of trauma whether that is in the womb or after birth. There are very few true "orphans" up for adoption these days where both parents are deceased and most babies will have come from some sort of problematic background whether that is drugs, MH, alcohol, or just chaotic parenting. Birth parents are given every chance to keep their babies these days unlike when I was adopted in Ireland in the early 60's when it was a shameful thing to have a baby out of wedlock. Nowadays babies are only taken away from their birth parents when the parents are unable to parent them properly so usually the babies have experienced a lot of trauma and have usually spent quite a bit of time in care before being available for adoption. Sadly this affects their developing brains and ability to attach to their carers as they may have had many carers and that's what can cause damage to them. Adopters need to know this and to prepare for having a child that may have additional needs. It is very different from having a baby yourself where you prepared from the time you knew you were pregnant, looking after yourself, eating well and taking care of yourself and preparing for your little bundle of joy in a calm and loving way. A lot of adoptees never had that peaceful start and it takes it's toll on them even at a subliminal level.
My daughter was placed for adoption right from birth she was in foster care for 4 months until placed with us. It was through social services sealed adoption. We went through many obstacles for years with her she is now 26 and just informed us she found her 6 -1/2 brother& sisters , birth mother &legal father. They are all great . The birth mother tried telling her a pile of crap we had the adoption summary of her 26 years ago, Hearing all the time about her siblings and her new family of no education, no lifestyle. Yes this women birthed her but she also gave her a life of physical and mental issues that we have had to deal with all these years and told everyone she died at birth, never saw her when she was born. We lost our other adult child to death and I feel like I’ve lost another. I m sorry but I cannot say I think this women is a great person and thank her. My husband and I feel completely betrayed by this whole situation. Iam trying to find someplace to help us heal from this blow. Tired of hearing my sisters and brothers birth mom and legal dad like they are the greatest and we are now the scurg of the earth that are nothing to her. 26 years of loving her providing for her and considering her our daughter we now feel like we are nothing.
Do not think that cannot happen even if the child is your own. I have watched my uncle kick himself the same way, simply about the inlaws, of his biological son. Being parent, adoptive or not, you are exposed to such things.
Please do consider calling the adoptive parents as adoptive parents and not as « real » parents, bc from where I sit, it’s very painful to hear that. Birth parents aren’t unreal!
I was left at birth and then adopted across the world at 4 months old. During my life there have been no considerations about me having any trauma from my adoption. Instead both from adopted parents and the society that i should just be grateful that i came to a country with better economy and opportunities. I never felt at home and understood. I have been so mad for so many years, neglected healthcare due to lack of background information and understandinh over all. I can't really understand why we as adoptees should be punished for something we did not choose. And the not get the professionall help ho heal because it i speak up I'm simply ungrateful.
Hi, I'm an adoptee too but I was adopted in my own country by parents who were the same colour and race as me. I have always felt for adoptees adopted from another country and culture where they weren't the same colour or race as their adoptive parents because unlike me, they lost their privacy because everyone knew they were adopted just by looking at them and their parents. It must be extra hard having to leave your country and culture behind and to always be known as 'the adopted kids'.
my birth parents took drugs while i was a fetus. i even got withdrawal symptoms as ny birth mother took coccain, I was with my birth parents then went to a Foster home at 3months. i was fully adopted at 2
@@t.j.7789 for me it's just confusing I don't know mu culture or anything but I get to be part of another culture so I don't see a problem but it's different for everyone.
I was adopted but at age 5 or around that time! I noticed I have a hard time forming relationships with my family and with others!! It's hard to and it's 100% exhausting to do it!! I wished my adopted parents took me to therapy, because I was bullied all throughout my life and even my jobs today!! I Hate my birth parents and it was super hard to love my parents when I was a teen but felt guilty that I didn't love them like I should because they adopted me!!
@@dianishamitchell 💚💚💚 I want to adopt because I can relate and help a child who needs a home! I hope I can do the same! Never wished for any child to be without a family!
@lizdestefano4905 1 year ago (edited) Two books I recommend that helped me understand adoption were by Nancy Newton Verrier (Birth mother adoptee mother and counsellor) "Coming Home To Self" and "Primal Wound"
It’s a wound that never heals. I just met my birth family over the summer, and I’ve never felt more alienated. My parents had other children who they kept, but I was the throw away. There are no photos of me in their homes, and no room left for any. It just reminds me that I am an outsider in the places that I was supposed to belong. And I always will be. What’s done is done and there’s no going back.
You are loved 🥺💜
You are very loved. I love you even though I don't know you. I have heard some adoptees who feel the way you do. I love you. I hope you had loving adoptive parents.
Yes
It is a wound that never heals. I agree. I know.
I know. That's my story too. PTSD from birth.
But it was always "where did you go wrong?" from my adoptive parents.
As someone with a friend who is adopted i appreciate this video. Adopted people should be allowed more space to feel and understand their emotions instead of being dismissed as ungrateful or bad kids...
Thank you 🙏
Thank you!
Well said so true
Yes, as long as it is not a disruptive, disrespectful or violent way of expressing those feelings.
@@TeaCup1940 I mean, many adoptive parents will see just missing their birth parents as disruptive or disrespectful. Adoptees are silenced lot
And violence is often an expression of trauma. Those kids need to be given healthy outlets and compassion the most
As an adopted at birth child this is absolutely correct for me anyway. Thank you for sharing. Most people tell us how we ''should'' feel, which is wrong.
This is on point, and I hate how everyone almost demands that we should feel "Grateful" for the fact we were adopted
@@yazanarar I loathed hearing how ‘lucky’ I was to be adopted at 2 months old. Lucky? To be abandoned in the hospital at birth? To ‘only’ have 2 foster homes? To wonder for my entire life what was so intrinsically wrong with me that I wasn’t wanted? People love to admire the rainbow side of adoption without taking into account the storm that came first.
@@lynn2574 💔 i feel you
@@lynn2574 Well said!!
@@yazanarar I was told once, “I won the Lottery” because I was adopted by very strict and stable parents but they don’t understand the whole story. I’ve grown to hate people
Remember, we also need to grieve the loss of our identity, name, and ethnic heritage
Yes and the repeated trauma associated with the secrecy, including the government's role and adoption agency's role in hiding and altering records, such as the birth certificate and other adoption paperwork.
@@darryla7603 There is a book called Reimagining Adoption and The Adoption Triangle. Excellent books and very healing.
There is a book called Reimagining Adoption and The Adoption Triangle. Excellent books and very healing.
Adoption Triangle
ua-cam.com/video/uDkh9IMTiiI/v-deo.html
I’m curious is this something you always thought of or something you picked up recently in the last decade or so
As an adoptee, I appreciate your attempts to try to understand us. Keep reading.
you all prolly dont care but does someone know of a way to log back into an Instagram account?
I stupidly forgot the password. I would love any tips you can give me!
@London Kalel instablaster ;)
@Clayton Eden I really appreciate your reply. I got to the site thru google and Im waiting for the hacking stuff now.
Looks like it's gonna take a while so I will reply here later with my results.
@Clayton Eden it did the trick and I now got access to my account again. I'm so happy!
Thank you so much, you really help me out!
@London Kalel happy to help =)
I'm an adoptee who has struggled mentaly all my life. I wish I'd heard your words 30 years ago.
Same now I'm a parent 😢
I overheard a conversation of a colleague saying they want to adopt, because children do not need a father and all the child needs is love and to be saved. I ended that shit immediately!! I said there's no being saved, and if you adopt a child with the expectation they will be grateful and that you're saving them, you'll be royally disappointed. Another colleague said "that's just your experience. That doesn't define everyone's experience." Well what about my four adopted siblings?? What about all the adoption statistics? What about the 40% suicide rate? Made me livid.
40% suicide rate? Are you that stupid?
I'm 42 and still trying to heal from my adoption & family trauma. I'd like to write a book, but not sure if I can. I was abandoned by my birth mother as an infant. She was on drugs, didn't want a child in the first place, and then left me to be raised by her parents - my birth mother actively estranged herself from me for my entire life. I was kept away from all of my paternal family. My maternal grandparents legally adopted. No one ever addressed how I might be feeling about the experience. Everything about my life was swept under the rug and ignored... I, like many other adoptees, was expected to be grateful for my chance at a better life. I always knew I was adopted, but I don't remember when I was actually told. My existence was like a giant game of make-believe... I referred to my birth mother my sister, and my uncle as my brother... and later two half-siblings came along that were referred to as my niece and nephew. Adoption IS trauma! I spent a great deal of my teen years wishing that I had never been born. Wish me luck with my memoir.... I'm gonna need it!
Go for it, please write your book. As a 55 yo man who was adopted I can say the world needs to know.
every therapist i’ve had over the last 15 years has neglected to acknowledge my adoption as a source of my internal distress and feelings of emptiness. I finished reading adoption healing by joe soll yesterday and it opened my eyes to the significant amount of trauma left in my life from the adoption. i can now say i am on my path to true healing. good luck fellow adoptees if y’all need anything comment below
Hi Matt. Fellow adoptee here. It sucks.
@Matt-jo4nz
1 year ago
I didn't initially think that adoption was my root problem cause until I did my own research. My subconscious has a very good and fast memory , even if my conscious memory thinks of nothing. I found the book by Nancy Newton Verrier "Coming Home To Self" very informative and useful .
How many therapists is that?
I can’t imagine a therapist ignoring adoption trauma.
Glad you’re healing
We should do as much as possible to support biological parents to keep their children. Supervised, living in homes , etc etc etc.
I’ve known many adopted kids in many situations and ALL have deep trauma no matter their adoptive parents.
Also, I had pretty bad trauma and cortisol as a pregnant woman (severe eye trauma, full thickness cornea transplant at 8 months pregnant (after multiple months of amoeba which was severe pain + stress + full time job), almost died in childbirth due to severe pre eclampsia and severe hemorrhage) and my son is completely well adjusted so far at 2 years old…
So high cortisol in pregnancy doesn’t equal a traumatized child - if child is able to bond to a nurturing , SUPPORTED bio mom after birth and ongoing.
@@projectmoon13 I'd say its probably more common than you might think. Today? Maybe not... But 10, 20, 30+ years ago? Absolutely.
I went to a child psychologist for about 6 years in the mid 2000s... I suppose because I was acting out, doing poor in school, and my (adopted) parents didn't know how to handle it. Therapist knew that I was adopted, that I was having difficulty concentrating, emotional disregulation... (General trauma symptoms) To boot, he even knew that I was routinely "crossdressing", and that I have consistent thoughts of longing to be a woman (textbook gender dysphoria stuff).
His diagnosis? "Ma'am, your child is acting out because he has Oppositional Defiant Disorder".
Now I'm finding out that I have strong autism, adhd, and trauma symptoms... and of course, I'm transgender. So yeah, I really don't have a hard time believing a child therapist might ignore adoption trauma. Particularly in decades past.
Any time you separate a baby from it's mother, it causes trauma.
I think i better got separate from my family lol
@Gemma Dann no there are definitely situations where the baby should steer clear of there parents
@Gemma Dann oh I agree with that. It just bothers me when people (not you ) act like it's always best for mother and child to be together. I think I'm a living example of that lol.
@@randomname1875 Yes but not the information of who they are
Exactly!!!
As excited & happy as adoptive parents are to, finally, become parents, let’s not forget that they could very well be full of other unprocessed feelings. Couples who found themselves grappling with infertility, may have deep, unconscious feelings of shame, disappointment, even resentment at having to get someone else’s baby. The adoptive mother also did not have 9 months of hormonal/ neurological preparation to welcome & bond strongly with an infant. Many adopted babies cry & cry, are inconsolable, making it so difficult for eager new adoptive parents to bond. At 6 days old, as part of the adoption process, my parents took me to a pediatrician, who, seeing me screaming & writhing in abject misery, declared “wow. This one has a temper!” Can you imagine how that colored my parents view of their new baby?? All these and other emotional factors affect the connection between the baby & it’s new parents. It’s truly a wonder that any of us survived…….
Thank you for this video. At 56 years old, I’m just realizing how my adoption, three days after birth, has affected me throughout my life.
I was given the book The Primal Wound recently after speaking with a friend about some of the issues I’ve been dealing with. She has several adopted children, and she understood what I was talking about.
As I was listening to your video, I began experiencing extremely strong feelings of uneasiness, and became nauseated to the point of nearly throwing up. I’m not sick, so I think this is some sort of a physical manifestation of pain that I’ve been holding down.
I’m just beginning this journey of understanding this and towards healing.
I was taken from my mother at birth and never even held by her. I had three weeks of hospital stay, where I had no consistent primary caregiver, then handed to my adopters. It's hell.
I Feel you… i had 6 weeks when i was adopted… my bio mom just gave me away. Now i cannot love my family, all of them are a source of trauma even though they are good people. Just… i cant.
Me too. What books did you read as an adult? Anything help?
@@soniacz3829 my mom gave my brother up at birth. The trauma of the 6 week adoption gap is probably the biggest factor, but i wonder if the inability to feel love the same way as your adoptive family could also be genetic. My family is cold and loveless, and i honestly feel similarly about them as a lot of adoptees feel about their birth parents. I think it takes a certain kind of unfeeling, unloving person to give up a child and i think it might stay with you as a character trait until you do the work to undo it
@@dougsonjahoezee8299
As an adoptee Two books I found interesting and helpful were both by the same author : Nancy Newton Verrier "Coming Home To Self" and "Primal Wound" Give it a whizz , You'll be glad you did !
4 weeks
I was adopted at birth and have severe fear of abandonment issues 💔😢
I feel empty and homeless.
Me too, abandonment is a fear I live with daily, even when it makes no sense in my circumstances. It's never left me.
I had the same fear and it will take time to heal this.. I am not saying I am over it but life as it is has taken alot of my loved ones to heaven and the feelings of Abandonment was unreal 💔. I noticed I feared rejection and I always had to be a step ahead and reject others before they got to do it to me.. it done me no favors only installed more fear of Abandonment and rejection. Now I am a bit easier on myself and accept that I can never abandon myself cos I did that too with addiction.
I had the best mother in the world who loved and adored me. Much more love than my bio mother could have ever offered. I am blessed today and never knowing who my father was still has its grip on me at times. I asked many times who he was and was told lie after lie that destroyed me. But today its not like this . I am not saying I don't care who it was but I have survived without him .. weird how I spelt this out but the search is ongoing I suppose of my identity only in my mind as I know I will never know the truth and I've accepted it as I had no choice. We are survivors never forget it !
@@lorenzmuller3542 this is exactly how I feel. I feel homesick so often even though I basically never leave my house
@pinupgirl1949
2 years ago
So sorry for you, join the club. It's truly debilitating. Two books that may help you understand things, are both by the same author: Nancy Newton Verrier : "Coming Home To Self" & "Primal Wound" Hope it helps you.
Absolutely spot on when u say " almost never is the adoption considered a contributing factor .." nor is it ever considered a contributing factor when adoptees SUICIDE !!! So much Ignorance around adoption, and head burying in sand by adults and society . Good for u for recognising this and researching !! Just because I was 10 days old at adoption does not mean it did not affect me. I hate it closed adoption with a passion, I hate the word, I hate saying the word I hate that it happened to me AND I was NOT abused by my adopters. That also is a misnomer. My adopters did not abuse me, they tried, they were not perfect but no parent is. What I wanted was MYYYYY family. I lost them and they lost me. I want to be best friends with MY sisters. Too late now. The closed adoption era - the baby scoop era - just horrific and disgusting. Babies are not kittens . Even Kittens get to stay with their mothers for a minimum of 6 to 8 weeks ! Babies were, and are, taken off their mothers at BIRTH and expected to not notice they are in the family of strangers. Do not pretend a child is YOURS, when in fact is is not, it is the child of another woman and man. Trading is babies is not moral or ethical - "I will do anything to have a baby" yeah right, but THINK ABT THE BABY not yourself - the baby is only a baby for a short time. I have gone through hell being closed adopted and would not wish it on my worst enemy - it is SILENTLY soul destroying.
my family has been ravaged by adoption. thank you for commenting, i needed this.
I can unfortunately confirm this
I’m an only adopted [closed case] child. Our experiences differ but I feel every bit of your words.
You sound horrible, really awful. I am sorry for your loss, but I truly feel sorry for your “adopters ,” who may have suffered losses of their own. And were brave enough to push past that and offer love and a home anyway. You act as if those strong, brave people who tried are less than nothing to you. You seem so full of yourself, only concerned about your needs, your hurts, your wants. You may have a deep wound that seems as if it will never heal, and I am truly sorry, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have character. No one gets through this life without their share of grief and sorrow. You just don’t have to act as if yours is the only one that counts.
Not trying to invalidate your experience but blood relation isn’t the only valid familial relation and not every birth mother is capable of raising their child at the time.
Hi Elizabeth! I was adopted by my parents at 8 months old in 1956. my mother explained to me about being adopted when i was 5 yrs, old so i grew up knowing there was another set of parents some where. As I hit the teenage yrs I went though a severe identity crises. I was angry all the time and very mean and disrepectful to my mother which made me feel deeply guilty even into my 40s and 50s. My mother went to a judge to have the adoption "unsealed" and she got in touch with my birth mom to have her reveal herself to me which she did! It truly amazes me that I spent decades of my life not knowing why I 'hated' my sweet good mother who raised me-now I finally can understand!!
You have a wise and strong adoptive mother.
Going through the same. Feel so guilty
It's a whole 'nother ball game when your adoptive parents lie to you and gaslight you about being adopted.
Add being a different race and treated different by EVERYONE because of race!
I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you’ve found a counselor or support as you go through this.🙏
I feel you
@@t.j.7789 You as an adoptee are in a way like family to me. Let me tell you something. I was created in Oneonta NY and sold in Dallas Texas. I am more white then my purchasers are. But I came from a nuroatypical line on both sides. Every single time I turned around I was wrong no matter how hard I tried. Race is a problem with legalized human trafickers no doubt about that. However you need to know that the curse of being an adoptee sold outside of your family is that no matter what you do or look like or how hard you try you don't belong there and it's no one's fault but the grownups for causing all of the confusion and unnatural and unnessisary human trafficking.
@@t.j.7789 I can get how you continually were aware of the diferences by peoples reactions and questions. I am an adoptee and struggle to see how adoptive parents can do this.. I allways felt like that piece of the jigsaw that got mixed into the wrong box and someone is trying to make it fit but it doesn't. For me even as same hetitage as adoptive parents as a kid I hated being told by people who didnt know that I looked like my adoptive mother.
I’m crying watching this. My son was given up for adoption by my ex. I tried fighting to keep him and I hope he will always know that I wanted him. I spent so much money on lawyers just to be told my rights were being terminated. We planned to have a baby and then she decided she didn’t want a baby anymore and she’d be damned if I was going to get him. She’s also extremely mentally ill and can’t take care of a child so that’s the main point. I still wanted him though and I’m mentally sound to raise a child. Now the adoptive family isn’t letting me be in his life with an open adoption like my ex has because my ex doesn’t want me to be. Which is totally on the adoptive family not my ex. My ex has no rights to be making rules. I’m so upset and sad after this past year. All I wanted was to be a dad and had that ripped away from me. I worry about my son very much.
Maybe you could start an organisation for all the fathers this has happened to. I saw a similar story last week with a father losing his daughter through Bethany Christian services. This shouldn't be happening.
@@savagebunny1440 I’d like to do something. I wish I could get the laws changed. Most people don’t even know about this. Everyone including myself all figured I had rights.
I didn’t realize my ex’s parents had been studying for months about adoption and had everything set in motion behind my back.
What’s crazy was it was like I was seen as the bad guy for trying to stop the adoption. As if my son was the adoptive parents’ all along and I was just some mean person trying to take away their baby. Basically the way the laws are, even if you do what they say you’re supposed to, if a woman wants the child to be adopted, then there is nothing you can do to stop it.
The adoptive family offered me open adoptive if I would have stopped fighting. I said no why would I just stop. Then I lost and now they’re like you get nothing except a yearly update in an email and can send gifts to a PO Box. They won’t even have the decency to send me a photo. Which they claim is because the birth mother, my ex doesn’t want me to have one.
This has been one of the worst and most devastating things to ever happen in my life. I’ll never be right. I guess some men would be happy to get rid of their ex and not have to raise a child. I know for sure that this has been a learning experience. I will never again date a woman who has a mental illness. I will never again have a child with someone if I don’t see displays of being able to be a mother. I guess I should have known better. But what can you do when you love someone and believe in them? I believed she could do it while everyone else said she couldn’t. I should have listened. Now I have to suffer the consequences.
@@james_daniels- That is so unfair. If I were you I would do some DNA tests on different sites so that when your so is older if he does one he will automatically match with you. Also if you know the adoption agency, leave a letter on his file so when he is 18 he can access it and find you. That way he can see you always wanted to look after him and it wasn't your fault.
I was shipped between four or more families by the time I was three years old. I have struggled with a reactive attachment style, became so fixated on becoming a people pleaser and making sure someone “picked me” and diluted so much of what made me special and fulfilled.
Thank you for trying your best and educating others to do their best to understand the internal struggles.
I can understand why you reacted that way. So hard for a little one to be shipped around. How are you now and how have you managed to go forward?
@@ritataylor6335 I’m doing the best that I can now. I speak about my adoption a lot. And I connect with fellow adoptees and bond over it.
@Gemma Dann it was actually my biological mother. There were some loop holes that she used to her advantage. And traumatized me. I couldn’t sleep over anyone’s house until I was 18 years old because I was terrified that when I woke up my parents would be gone forever.
@Gemma Dann my mother; was 17 years old at this point, had no idea what she was doing. I had gone through custody with a few different family members prior to the foster system. Once in Foster care I went to a family in PA (I’m from the Boston area) and my mother found me, literally; I AM ABSOLUTELY steadfast when I say this, kidnapped me and his me away in her sister’s college dorm room in a laundry basket. It only took a couple of days before I was found. And then went back into foster care and was adopted by my parents.
That all happened before I hit age three.
@amandayell6231
2 years ago
As an adoptee myself two books that helped me understand things (Not cure ) were both by the same author - Nancy Newton Verrier. "Coming Home to Self" and "Primal Wound" Maybe these might help you.
Infants only a few days old can record long term memories. “Infants do not think but they do process emotions and long term memories are stored as affective schemas” (Geansbauer, 2002). An infant separated from its first mother will record a memory of that event. Memories of this nature are called preverbal memory representations and they have a unique quality that must be understood by adoptive parents. “Infant memories are recalled in adulthood the same way they were recorded at the time they occurred. It is difficult, possibly impossible, for children to map newly acquired verbal skills on to existing preverbal memory representations” (Richardson, R., & Hayne, H. 2007). An older adoptee who recalls an emotional memory will experience it the same way it was felt as an infant. Adoptees can have troubling memories that they cannot identify in words. This means that they cannot understand what they are feeling and without a vocabulary they cannot even ask for help. This leads to a cognitive /emotional disconnection. “Children fail to translate their preverbal memories into language”(Simcock, Hayne, 2002).
Interesting Robert. I was adopted from a city 4 hours from my home. I always had this memory of seeing this small hill with houses from this city I was adopted from. Well long story short, we visited this area when I was a child on holiday. I saw the same hill and houses as in my memory. Well I was a baby of 6 weeks when I had originally seen this area. I have to agree with you.
Robert I am so glad to see your comment was talking about preverbal memories etc with therapist today.." separated" at birth in incubator for weeks in hospital for months then institutional care for months.
@@deezer161 draw your memories and talk about the drawing
@@majk7215 draw the memory then talk about it
This is interesting. I was not adopted, but we had a house fire when I was 2 years old. I remember the house and certain events that happened there, but not the fire. My baby brother died in the fire. I was hospitalized with first, second and third degree burns. I still have scars on my right hand and wrist. I don't remember the fire or the hospital time, but I remember things before and after that. I get anxiety when people do things around fire that I perceive as "unsafe". Like around fireworks, or fire pits etc. I like a fire in a fire pit, or fireplace or campfire etc., but I don't like it when it seems "unsafe" to me, like kids getting too close. I'm not sure its really unsafe, I just think I am hyper sensitive around it. I wonder if there are memories that I am unaware of from that traumatic event in my childhood.
This really helped me start processing adoptee trauma, I'm 24 now and realizing there is a lot I did not acknowledge as being rooted in adoption. Thank you for your video!
As an adoptee Two books I found interesting and helpful were both by the same author : Nancy Newton Verrier "Coming Home To Self" and "Primal Wound" Give it a whizz , You'll be glad you did !
I am adopted, I am 54 years old and now struggling with my adoption. It started with the death of my Mom. I've know my biological mother from age 21. When my Mom died I turned to my biological mom and she told me I'm not your mother. Sooo painful. Now I hate her and she wants to continue to be in my life. She doesn't understand the pain I have and the feelings I have towards her.
Barney Torres thank you for sharing. I am soon 54 and am also really struggling. My adopted mother died last year and my birth mother has shown me through her own shortcomings that the grass was already green after my insatiable search for my ‘home land’ it’s a tad baron if honest. A constant ache in sola plex!! I hear you x x x
It's so hard even as an adult, when your birth mother rejects you for a second time.
I was adopted at 3 weeks old and at 60 I found my birth mother via a DNA match with a second cousin. My birth mother was delighted to know I was alive and well and had had a great childhood, but she refuses to tell her 6 childrenmy half siblings about me for fear they will judge her. Her husband did know about me but he has passed on.
I spoke to her once by phone as she lives in tne US and I live in the UK and the whole phone call was all about her and her fear of her children judging her. I don't think she ever once stopped to think about how that was making me feel, like I was something she was ashamed of.
I told her I won't contact them while she is alive but I told her I will be contacting them after she has passed on as I believe they have a right to know they have a big sister and they can decide for themselves if they want to get to know me or not. I'm not sure I can be bothered speaking to her again as I don't think she will change her mind and we will only be going over the same conversation again and again.
Adoptees spend their lives trying to please people and are then punished for something their parents did that was not their fault. 😢
As a child adopted at birth, this video makes ALLLL the sense in the world!! So much in my life I have felt different but, didn’t understand why.
That displaced anger made parenting extremely hard. I’m a step parent to two adoptees I met ten years ago. My wife adopted them with her ex who ran away 6 months after signing the papers for kids she said would “complete her life”. I showed up 6 months later. It was a total shitshow. The oldest sibling had so much rage. He was setting fires, violent and sexually inappropriate with other kids. He was too dangerous to live with and we had to send him to a therapeutic boarding school for 2 1/2 years (10-12) where he got the supervision he needed for everyone to be safe. He’s 18 now and has moved out. He’s better but he still struggles a LOT. Parenting him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He hated my guts. I had to nail down the safety for everyone and stop him from spreading ptsd. He never stopped trying to dominate our household which I never tolerated. It was a nonstop battle of the wills to force him to graduate highschool.
There has to be a better way. I will NEVER recommend adoption to anyone after raising him. There is no support for parents or the kids. Just blame and shaming from people who expect adoption families to be like bio families. It’s ridiculous. Foster only, never adopt.
I think the lack of resources to deal with the anger and behaviors leads to divorces, the rehoming nightmare and desperate parents going to quacks like Nancy Thomas who promotes doing emotional abuse as a solution.
I hope things change around adoption. It’s a very sick situation right now. We’re doing it all wrong. The outcomes speak for themselves.
Also try to imagine that tomorrow you will wake up and all your family and connections have disappeared and you are not aloud to know anything about that for 18 years and no one will comfort you or suggest that anything is wrong with this and that it's wonderful. It may sound silly but try.
Thank you.
@@lenorepaletta9267 My pleasure Lenore. I appreciate therapists trying to understand us adoptees better and I like to throw them some encouragement and experiential knowledge that only adoptees will really understand or maybe kidnap victims.
@@brianjames9946 sorry for replying so late. I dont know if its the same for every adoptee but for me personally I have huge issues trusting people and letting anyone get to close to me. Could have something to do with being lied to about my birth mom took me 19 years until I found out the truth. again sorry for the necro
@@saywhat7734 No Problem at all. Sorry I didn't realize you were also an adoptee. We need more adoptee therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists so keep it up please :)
@@brianjames9946 Uhm Im not a therapist wayy to unstable for even a normal job :/ I appreciate therapists like the one who made this video trying to understand us adoptees more due to it being hard to explain in the first place. Weird question but when you were younger did you also have the same dream over and over of the day you were taken from your birth mother? I know it seems weird since infants arent supposed to be able to form a memory before the age of 3 this video just brought that back up.
Yes I was adopted but I'm not a teenager I was adopted in 1953 and my life has been difficult to say the least. Canadian doctor Gabor Mate speaks of addiction to a myriad of things and attributes it to trauma experienced during the first eighteen months of life .In our case it's the trauma experienced in our mother's womb which we share with her and after birth when she gives us away. There's no recall only implicit memory as the brain isn't fully developed so explicit memory isn't possible. However we do remember the trauma on an emotional level but can't deal with it as we cannot recall it so we're up the creek in a barbed wire canoe. The research being done nowadays makes the lives of younger adoptees much happier which is wonderful but us oldies haven't had that chance. However there is some joy in knowing that younger adoptees will have the opportunity to improve their lives.
As an adoptee that was basically told to believe that I needed to be more grateful and learned nothing about grief until my late 30's, its so easy to be in denial because the main message I was told in my 20 years in and out of therapy in AA, not one person I met trying to help me could tell me that adoption could possibly cause any issues I was having, It was the cause of every single issue I was dealing with. Its insane what I went through and my AP's blamed me for me not knowing how how to deal with overwhelming grief. I was punished, sent to military school, and still to this day they say its my fault, even though I was Latino in a white family, never taught about race, grief, or any sort of problems that could have been caused from being separated from my mom at birth, loss of genetic mirroring, loss of access to my birth certificate, loss of culture, loss of all these things that were killing me. Lack of educated adoptive parents on race and grief, and other issues can seriously mess up a child's life permanently.
It broke my heart to be adopted. I thought was stolen. it is heartbreaking for me. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I feel so alone , invisible, unloved and walking question mark. I never got to be me
I'm adopted. I have struggled my entire life feeling love. It's not an inability to do so, but it was always different than what I saw with biologically related families.
Then, I had my own two children. Holy smokes. I was so forked up when my son was first born. I didn't treat him very well because i didn't know what to feel. I deal with regret and shame every day trying to make it right.
Then, I realized that there was a love for him (and later my daughter) which literally didn't compare to anything, besides that which I felt during a Near Death Experience a long time ago.
Since I realized that I was dealing with a feeling for which I had little to compare with, I have made it my sole focus to show my children as much love as they showed me that I'm capable of.
I hate myself more than anything else in this world for how my son's first year was. I'll never forgive myself, and I don't deserve forgiveness. My fate seems sealed, but my entire existence is embodying this enormous love I have for my own children.
Thanks so much for sharing. These are also things I worry about - having a biological child as an adoptee
I was in a teenage residence for "troubled teens" back in the 70s. I was often asked if I thought my adoption had anything to do with my problems. I had no idea what to say. I was too young to really know what was going on. It was all very confusing. I would say "no" They'd write something down. And that was the end of it
My experience with adoption didn't go well. I responded as if Id been kidnapped. All I could do was keep my feelings to myself and pray that age 18 would hurry up. I was "returned" to the state at 14. I was a lot to handle. I dint follow rules. I ran away. I cut school to avoid bullies. I eventually just stopped going. Interstingly, I attended the high school in the next town over by way of a friend who said I was a relative from out of town. I was actually able to attend for about 4 weeks. Then they figured out something was up.
Id been abused in foster care.
I found out , something I was telling people was true, that I had an older sister, was actually true. , but was always told it was my imagination. They insisted I was an only child. I had 2 older brothers and a sister
I t caused me to act out in strange ways. I wont get into the details. I'll leave it here
What about babies born to gestational surrogates? That seems traumatizing too
Been a long time since I was a teen; but I was adopted at birth. I went through a lot of struggles with it and unfortunately my adoptive family wasn't great. I always felt like an outsider. Having my first child, looking into the face of someone blood related for the first time in my life, was an incredible experience. Distancing myself from my adoptive family and building my own life with my own family I think helped me do a lot of thinking and healing, but I think there are still some wounds that haven't healed.
all of my issues I pin point to the birth mother I never met and the "mistake" of being told it was arranged before my birth. I relate to all of this. I re experienced the abandonment over and over. I caught the pattern and I am terrified it will happen again and I have a hard time getting close to anyone. Thank you for this video. There are alot of breakthroughs in Psychology these days. Whatever it takes I will grow up and do something meaningful. Im 45, chronically underhoused and a recovering addict.
I’m so sorry for what you had to go through.. I hope my son doesn’t feel this way when he is older. I am a man who had a child with a women who gave up our son for adoption. She planned it behind my back before he was born. I never consented. I fought all the way and spent tens of thousands of dollars. In the end the judge terminated my rights because she said I couldn’t prove that I supported my ex.
I hope someday he knows his daddy at least wanted him. My ex does have open adoption with him so I hope maybe that will help some abandonment issues if they may arise. They won’t allow me to have open adoption at the moment now because my ex said no and because they’re mad I fought to keep him. Almost like I’m being punished for trying to keep my son. They won’t even give me a photo of him.
I’m 32 and was an addict in my early twenties so I know how hard that is. I’ll never be able to understand your pain of feeling abandoned and not being able to get close to others. I hope and pray you feel and get better. Please hang on. You’re worth it.
Thanks very much for taking time to explain your experience as a therapist and your theories. So many adoptees are looking for answers to why we feel the way we do, where it originated from, and how we can over come our emotions. Resources like this are very helpful for us., thank you!
The Primal Wound was the first book to recognise adoptions inherent trauma but never discovered the process.I met Nancy many years ago. The process I describe is called preverbal trauma and it occurs when the infant is taken from the mother. I identified the actual process and why therapy often fails. I also posted my intervention model that I use successfully in my practice. I am happy to share it Bob Hafetz
hi Bob, i would be interested in reading what you have developed on this, if you are ok with that. how to do that youtube comments I have no idea though!
@@convictjoe Link to articles independent.academia.edu/RobertHafetz
www.academia.edu/35189016/Therapeutic_Intervention_Model_for_Adoptive_Families
My email is roberthafetz@verizon.net phone 267-337-4548 contact me
Bob I am middle aged my body and brain is worn out with the pain and stress of it all and the repercussions. Mindful meditation helps but does not help me accept the past history that is spiritual for me.
Not able to do yoga gym anymore loads of health issues not adressed so how do I release the trapped tension.. getting medical help soon but there is permanent damage done.
Will look into getting your book or research... Thankyou
There's complexity in the practice of disoption and adoption but one thing I can assure you of is that most mothers/parents are kept away from their child who was taken for adoption by the adopters &/or the state, so the majority of the people who deny the teenaged adopted person the answers to their questions etc are those who purport to "have the best interests and welfare of the child" at heart. Guardianship is a far better way to care for children who cannot be parented by their biological family; it keeps everything real.
That’s an interesting point about guardianship. Takes us to the definition of what is a parent. Although it’s easier to try to form a deeper bond with somebody you call a parent or child.
I was adopted at 6 months old and I never felt a connection to my cousins or relatives growing up. I never had an issue connecting to my parents until I had my own child. I started to question how a parent could choose to give up their child. In my situation I was handed off to a random man at the hospital after my biological mother was discharged and was lucky enough that he didn’t do anything to me. It freaks me out that my biological mother did nothing to assure my safety and did nothing to make sure I was adopted into a good loving home. I got so lucky. For a while I had issues with my adoptive mother after having my son. I felt that she never had that connection with me and that there was no way she felt the love I feel for my son. We talked a lot about it and I think at the end of the day my adoptive mom has her own set of issues expressing emotions but I can only imagine what others go thru if they have less supportive adoptive parents. Great video!
That is interesting Carolina. I am glad you ended up in a safe environment. I was adopted at 6 weeks. I had loving but very strict parents. I have discussed this with my husband who is not adopted. He too was raised strictly but in a colder environment. He could not remember ever being hugged or feeling secure. His conclusion was that it perhaps does not matter if you are an adopted or biological child if your parents have baggage or repeat what they know it makes no difference. I think he may have a point there.
Thanks for sharing, I can relate… these comments are insightful to me as an adoptee at birth…
I'm weeping this is me omg I tried i thought me having my son would build it but it didnt.
I am going through some major changes in my life and started seeing a therapist. I'm an adopted child and my therapist and I began exploring the idea of adoption/abandonment issues. I am finding that my much of my life has been affected by this issue. I find that your explanation adds more validity to this possibly be a major reason for my lifestyle, and my failed relationships. Thank you I look forward to learning more as I begin to follow you
As an adoptee myself I recommend Coming Home To Self and Primal Wound , both by Nancy Newton Verrier. An author and counsellor with experience in adoption issues.
Elizabeth, thank you for this video ! I needed to find this at the time in my life I did. I was adopted at birth and have had all sorts of issues since I was a kid and never understood why this all makes so much sense now!
My neighbor of 6 years was adopted at birth. Andy talked about it sometimes. He was special to me. He wouldn't let me too close.Andy was an alcoholic. Last Spring he didn't show up for work. The police came to do a welfare check. They found Andy passed away on the floor. He was dressed for work. He had been sick but didn't go to the doctor. I think he probably had Covid. It breaks my heart that he was alone. If he could have let someone get close to him he would probably be here today.
He was only 46 years old. I know he isn't hurting anymore and rests in Jesus loving arms. I just wish he could have been ok.
I was adopted at birth, to this day there are certain songs that effect me emotionally from the very first time I heard them that were all over the radio while I was in the womb, now more than ever I wish more adoptive parents would have been truly qualified to raise an adoptee.
I am adopted. And I don’t think I ever said it. I think I’ve suppressed everything. Idk where to even begin I don’t feel anything at all. I was also adopted into a white family and I never felt close to them because of that. I was also so embarrassed to not look like my parents. This video helped a lot
As a birthmother, your verbiage about birth parents disturbs me. A lot of us were coerced and pressured into placing our kids for adoption. The adoption industry is a predatory industry, encouraging separation of infant an REAL Mother, to place baby with strangers, instead of having resources available to help vulnerable women facing these decisions. Understand all views from the triad please, before you judge.
I was looking for the comment
Exactly, this the idea of adoption is sold to vulnerable women as the correct/ moral thing to do, when it is in fact the complete opposite,
@@Conor1122-t3f exactly we need to find resources instead of having the system pressuring us to give our children up to strangers
@@breytonlemons5254 I wish other people thought the same, the whole system seems rotten to the core.. breaks my heart
@@Conor1122-t3f i myself was in the system I've been in one foster home where im still living i was never mistreated in no way shape or form by the people who raised me just because i was raised in a nice home doesn't mean im not aware what's going on my foster mom thinks i don't have no business speaking on the social ills of adoption because it didn't happen to me or how do i know it happens in the system that's like say i shouldn't speak on police brutality because i haven't experienced it when millions of people are victims of gunfire by police
As an adult adoptee with a lot of repressed anger who as a toddler experienced disonnection, withdrawal from adults which later turned into severe depression and self harm I agree 100%.
I've seen adoptees with a fallacy that they feel as though their adopted families have performed some act of charity by adopting an otherwise undesirable or disposable child. They said that this feeling explained the hatred towards their adopted parents that they knew was wrong. Totally agree that it's actually the displaced abandonment trauma that should be placed on birth parents, but since they're inaccessible it's misplaced on adopted parents. As a result, they have this unworthiness mindset concerning their indentity and the idea of rejection.
Here is another theory, some parents adopt for the wrong reasons. In my case, I was purchased as a pet for my older sister who is their bio. She had extreme behavior issues and still does as a 63 year old woman. It also gained them social status in their church, that is until that wore away with time. It appealed to my a mother's need for attention. I was called the adopted one until in my 20s just in case their was someone that didn't understand how awesome she was. My a father was abusive, broken bones and near death experiences by choking. They had another bio, so I was the adoptee in the middle. I got to see what is was like for them, cars, trips, experiences, affection, but none of that was for me. I am in my late 50s and when I look back, I think I began to hate them at age 12 after an especially bad physical abuse incident. Great theories, hopefully you have a keen eye and open mind to look at the bigger picture.
Wow, that was a very sad and abusive environment to grow up in. So sorry to hear this story. You never signed up for that.
I am so sorry that was your experience. I'm an adoptee, but I was raised an only child - no brothers or sisters. I can't imagine being labelled "the adopted one" or the other abuses you describe. Virtual bear hug, but as an adoptee I suspect hugs aren't the most comfortable thing :)
Wow, Lisa. So sorry that happened. I hope you have found real love and caring people since then. Some people can be so cruel.
Does anyone here have the experience of always knowing they were adopted? When my parents told me at 5 that I was adopted my response was, "I know". I just always knew, it was never a secret.
interesting.
@@tessmoore3762 Are you being skeptical and sarcastic? lol
Same thing for me. I always knew.
Wow same, I remember so vividly the day that my adoptive parents told me that they were not my biological parents. Strangely, I neither felt nor registered any "shock" or "surprise". It was like I already knew too on a deeply intuitive level... that is not to say that I did not have trauma to be cleared however, which has made itself a lot more evident now that I am older, and I believe strong enough to face it.
Happened the same to me. I always new and would ask questions about it for my parents, especially my mother, and they would always hide the truth from me and make me feel guilty and sometimes even insane for wanting answers. I got the truth during my teenage years and it was the most hurtful experience of my life to get to know about the biological parents and also recall so many memories of things that I have heard and things done to me by my adoptive family not only evolving the fact that I was the adopted one but other situations that i don't even want to mention because of how hurtful they are.
I think possibly you left out another category. Closed adoptions in 1960s where babies were left for weeks in hospitals until adopted. I was not adopted until 6 weeks of age. Nurses in hospital looked after me until I was adopted. Regards.
It is my understanding that they didn't just leave babies there for weeks before they could get adopted but rather wanted to watch the babies for 6 wks to make sure they were ok and somehow thought this was the best thing..... They just didn't realize so much then, unfortunately!!! It was 6 wks across the board for everybody though, that was policy. I think women's groups such as the junior league would volunteer n go rock n feed etc too. It was 7wks with me as there was a virus in the nursery n they wouldn't let me go till they knew I wasn't going to get sick n be ok. Kinda stupid if u think about it, if they are going to hand me over to these ppl to care for the rest of my life, don't they think I'll be sick at some point n if they can't trust them to take care of me sick, they shouldn't give me to them! Lol smh
@@jangayle7960 I didn't know that Jan, very interesting. I was actually born and adopted in New Zealand, 1968 to be exact. Adoption was so common at that time wasn't it. My mother (mother who adopted me, I am afraid I am an adopted person who believes she only has one mother and that the person who birthed me will never hold that title), said that she was told she was getting a boy and another couple were going to get me. When they both got there at same time they were able to do a swap as my Mum wanted a girl and they wanted a boy. Much less complicated back then for sure, just a quick change of paper work 😁☺️
@@majk7215 Oh no, I'm with you on the who my parents are,!! The other ppl are my biological parents. But OH DEAR LAWDS,!!! I can not believe they let them just swap like that! Lol That is pretty wild!! I know my moma would have swapped n got the boy if she could have!!! Lol
I just recently lost my last parent n I got the letters they(moma really) wrote to the children's home n she just kept on n on about how she could not wait to get her boy!!😕 Lol Its not like I didn't realize she was partial to my brother at this point, but man was it obvious then!! Then after they got me, at the end of that letter she makes sure they know they'll be ready to come get that boy as soon as they have them one!!! 🙃 Smh. Kinda hate I can't tell them your story!! Moma would be so jealous!! Ha!
But yes, the 6 wks, that was the custom then, it wasn't a matter of waiting till somebody wanted you, it was they would not let the babies be released till 6 wks old to make sure we were ok!!😕🙄 Lol sorry for the faces but some just require it!!
So you were NOT just left till somebody wanted you n it may seem common back then, prior to abortion being legal here in US but there were long waiting lists n couples were clamouring for babies!!! If they made biological parents go through what all our parents went through to get us there would not be a population problem now!! It was quite extensive!!!! There really wasn't anything I guess my parents haven't told me about, probably because I've always been so inquisitive, but I imagine everything but anything to do with identifying info they told me. I am not sure how closely the rules were in New Zealand but I can't imagine it was vastly different. N im just a hair above you, born in 64, final papers not till a year later, as per rules. I'd be happy to share everything with you I know n would love to compare notes, that would be pretty cool!!! But, as you can see, I'm not the writer,! My X laughed at me when I got to Hemingway in English comp at college, he told me I'd love him because we write alike with 3 or 4 run on sentences n I'll admit I've gotten much worse with texting vocabulary plus my own abbreviations n throw in a few medical abbreviations n it does take some work esp if I'm wound up!🤓😄
Do you still have your parents?
@@majk7215 oh n were u given any pictures of you being a newborn infant? That's always kinda bugged me, I have zero pics of me prior to almost 2 months old.😔
About the third theory, the rage against the adoptive parents, we actually learned about this during our classes for long term foster parents. I came to see it as a way of healing when the birth parent and adoptive/foster parent figures start to merge in the child`s mind. My foster son came to live with me at 2 years old and had severe attachment issues. When he accused me of hitting his older brother (that I had only seen during a few supervised visits at the time) I knew he was starting to see me as Mum and that meant he had the chance to learn to trust again.
Genius .
@A O He was 3 years old at the time and suffering from flashbacks. I had seen his brother only a few times during supervised visits. He is six now and a great kid :)
@Customer Service Obsessed He wasn't lying, he was confusing memories. It can be worked through. Obviously Anna is aware of it and helping him.
The merging of the biological and adoptive parents sounds very intriguing to me.
I’m adopted and found out a year ago, I’m a grown adult and feel like this trauma will never go away…and i wish someone would have talked to me about this.
Were your adopted parents loving? I’m just curious if even in a loving environment, there can still be trauma.
I have found most the people I know who weee adopted have trauma and emotional distress from it even when they grew up with loving adopted parents. But they try to hide it from their adoptive parents out of fear of hurting them.
@@LegendKiller03000 I would say, absolutely
I’m so sorry you found out so late ,
@@katiez688 and being rejected a second time.
As an adoptee Transactional Analysis worked well for me and I then realised how much time I spent in "Child Mode" Good luck and best wishes to all fellow adoptees . Here's hoping you all have some understanding and peace of something that WAS NOT OUR FAULT. Or of our making.
Reading The Primal Wound in my 70s was a Rosetta Stone to understanding my own life struggles as well as my sister's, also adopted. But another source of theory that might be useful depending on the circumstances is Third Culture Kids. Now imagine an adolescent being both adopted and a TCK. That combo might interest a specialist in adolescent psychology. Thank you for the video. The more people aware of the consequences of adoption the better.
I have a son who was conceived from rape before I was in the picture. I knew his mom since early in her pregnancy. I "adopted" him even though I'm his father on his birth certificate. We've been married and had 2 more children. He has dark skin, and his mom and I have light skin. With his younger brother who is my biological son, raising him has come naturally. With my oldest non-biological son, things did not come naturally. As a toddler, he was overly intimidated by me. I think he feels that his identity is extremely different than mine. There are things he has interests in that clearly came from neither his mom nor me since childhood. Genetics and physical appearance plays a huge role in his identity. I believe that for my oldest son, pregnancy only plays a tiny role, and genetics far outweigh the influence on his identity. He's turning 13 and I'm very transparent with him. He has always known I'm not his biological father, but I am his dad. He agrees there are regular or trauma inducing traits that are possibly genetic (such as a fear of heights). His biological dad would have likely understood or recognized those things long before I did. I recognize times when he is overtly defiant towards me and wants to ignore me. I want to show patience in those times but also to know the appropriate response at other times.
ABSOLUTE root to developmental trauma!!!, Hits the abandonment, rejected baby from the beginning...The survival energy is what keeps the kiddos alive,...
Adoption can't be perfect , for whatever reason an infant being separated from its mother is awful. BUT please give the adopters some credit. Yes the adoptee is the most important person in all this but, adopters in most cases have tried to give adootees a loving, normal'ish' life that they couldn't have with their biological mum. Please let's give them some credit (in the majority of cases), they've done a good job. Most adopters no doubt adore their adopted children and are devastated to find after all their nurturing it wasn't good enough.
It goes without saying that the adoptive parents are doing the best they can in most cases; this is about the adoptee. My adoptive family was loving and solid, but I still have struggled with the effects of trauma my whole life..I’m 54 now.
Some adoptive parents as well as being well meaning and doing a reasonable job of providing for their kids... just didnt want to know or acknowledge their or their own loss pain or unhappiness or raw feelings of their kid.. and the kid was partly rejected and judged for being affected by their trauma.
How could a kid make sense or explain fully even when they tried if they were gaslit and fobbed off or told they should be grateful... or shamed as unwanted and illegitimate.... trying to meet the parents needs for the child they couldn't have and denying supressing their own inner emotional reality trying to be a good child despite it all.
Ok let's investigate what you are saying with these baby purchasers. You are saying that these people are just wonderful altruistic folks that open their homes to us poor unwanted waifs with no ulterior motives just for our own good. In most cases I disagree with you. In most cases these are rich and or influincial people who have mental health issues caused by years of infertility. They can't have their own baby and they feel bad and ineffectual and less than because of that, and maybe it's even true. They also have built up this incredible and elaborate fantasy in the years of not having a baby of what such a child could be and there is little to no room for a real baby. While all of this is regrettable and sad these people's therapists and phychatrists have yet to repair them and it is certainly highly abusive to expect an infant or young child to have to deal with people like this and on top of all of that our own traumas and identity issues as well as all the the false non identifying information and gaslighting along with how greatful for all of it we are told we should be.
I hope that they are devistated and they grow up and realize half truths are whole lies and their participation in the legalized human trafficking industry was not asked for or desired and that at least a few of us myself included would have perfered the few minutes it would have taken to be cut to pieces and vaccummed out of our mothers as opposed to being forced into 18 years with them.
The Primal Wound is a crucial read for the adoptive parents as well as the adoptee. As an adoptee, I have experienced horrible pain from my primal wound but I do acknowledge my adoptive parents did their best. I wish they had read the book before adopting me and understanding the trauma I carried with me and not to take it personally which people inevitably do when lacking this info.
My birth mother was 17. A baby herself really. When I think back to me being 17. My daughter at 17. She was "sent away", the pregnancy was shameful. That was the start of my life. I was given up for adoption. She was alone during her labour. It was long, hard and scary. She snuck down to see me, but was advised not to. I was not held by the person I was born from. I was removed. I was cared for. I was adopted by really loving people, who I do see as my parents. But they never were , not really. AND you know it. You know that. But you dont know why you feel unloved when you are. You dont know why you cant "fit in" anywhere and why your thoughts are not the same as your families - you dont know the chemicals and smells of your new life. You do not relate to your parents like genetic family does. I could see that when I had my own child. Some things are just genetic - like, it is hard to explain, and of course, as a child not having it, you dont know you dont have it - but it IS missing. I can see that now. You also never feel like you are part of ANY family - even when you meet your bio family - they are too long apart. I dont feel "rejected" or unloved. I did for a while, but when I met my bio family, I understood that it wasnt me. That was helpful. But the scars are there. The brain of a baby cannot comprehend why the baby is not with the smells, pheramones and chemicals of mom. They can be held, loved and comforted, but the fear has set in, the body is in fear. It never leaves. Not really. And then you grow up alone inside. If you are unlucky, you turn to bad things like drugs to cope. If you seek some kind of connection, like I did (and still do), you pick the wrong ways to find that, and you often end up not being able to have normal relationships because you do not really understand .
what up! I am adopted. And I am now subscribed :D
I agree 100%. I too was adopted at birth. I unfortunately wasn't able to connect to my adopted parents and as a result, I have been depressed, suicidal and self destructive all my life. At 53, I'm unable to bond with others, I've never been in a relationship. I've always known something was not right and that it had something to do with me being adopted.
This just validates what I have always known. Aside from, hoping I'm healed by my Lord Jesus Christ via Holy Spirit, I dont know what to do.
7 billion ppl on the planet and you can't seem to connect to anyone, it's a lonely place. ☹️
Loneliness is horrible. I have similar experience as an adoptee. Been going through a suicidal wave lately and it's so exhausting to just cope.
@@derekdowney3119 As an adoptee myself two books that helped me understand things (Not cure ) were both by the same author - Nancy Newton Verrier. "Coming Home to Self" and "Primal Wound"
@Nate-gv4ph
1 year ago
As an adoptee myself two books that helped me understand things (Not cure ) were both by the same author - Nancy Newton Verrier. "Coming Home to Self" and "Primal Wound"
So true. I was fortunate to meet Nancy Verrier in the 1980s when all this was first discussed. I'm still "an adopted child" at age 69 but have known what's going on with me since then.
Adoption is better than allowing children to aged in foster care. Their parents couldn't just do it. They can't do it. Some people that refused to give out their children for adoption end up committing murder or killing their own children. And if adopting parents are made to look bad then more children will suffer.
I'm an adoptive mother of an adoptee at birth. We raised her always speaking openly of her adoption. Knowing someday she would look for birth parents. Someday came too soon, adolescent age prompted me telling her birthmother had died when she was 2 yrs old. At the age of 22 my daughter and me are estranged most of the time. I continue to research to educate myself. And I will always support her and love her. My hope is she recognizes her true trauma and stops blaming me and everyone around her. Therapy was a failure for her.
As an adoptive mother putting myself in the place of my children, I instinctively figured all this out. I am so glad now that there is research, therapy, and grown adoptees to express and help with all this. This is an excellent presentation.
you're very natural. That is going to be ideal for your line of work. 😍 I’m an old guy but i still have adoption damage.
What’s even more traumatizing is realizing you are the scapegoat in a narcissistic adoptive family. It’s like rejection all over again as an adult. Any studies been done on this dynamic? My brother who was also adopted prior to me is the golden child and is scapegoating me so he can get me written out of any inheritance as he has serious addictions issues and is stealing and exploiting our mother who doesn’t care and has some dementia
I feel like adoption is a form of societal kidnapping. Hear me out. Let's say you're a pregnant woman. You are poor/unmarried/too young/too sick, and you don't have the resources to care for a child or the amount of stigma is so high that you cannot keep your baby even if you want to. You *have to* "give" your child up for adoption. Society *could* support you. Society could give welfare, put day care in high schools, pay for health care and home help, help you socially to not be ashamed, but society instead tells you to "give" your baby to total strangers to raise. This is done under duress. It is not a gift. The child is taken. The same people who will tell you not to have an abortion (or force you to not have an abortion) won't hesitate to kidnap your baby.
Obviously, there are children in need of love and care, and this could be done through guardianship vs adoption. The main distinction is that the guardian is not legally the child's parent. The other distinction is that the birth parents would (usually) be able to maintain contact with their child. (In the case of abuse, violence, death of parent, this would need to be modified.) This would be different from fostering in that guardianship would be intended for the long term, like the child's whole childhood, when the parents will not be able to care for the child. It's a tough situation, and therapy should be included. The other question then is: Why are there so many children in need of love and care? What is going on in society that causes this? How can we repair society so we don't need adoption?
Anyway, that's my thought about adoption. I'm not adopted. I haven't adopted a child. My dad was half adopted by his widowed mother's second husband. I have cousins who were adopted in what I now think of as the kidnapping method. (See _Philomena_ for details.) I don't think that adoption is a "loving" alternative to abortion. Make of this what you will.
P.S. I think it's also traumatic for the birth parent. I knew a woman who was forced to put her baby up for adoption. She later became a private investigator, helping others find lost family members and whatever else PI's do. She never found her daughter.
I know you needed to condense what you were saying, so take this worth a grain of salt, but my collogues and I watch this video and found some things to be lacking. How many of the cases you have handled are closed adoptions? How many of the adoptions were kept a secret for a long stretch of time? How many of the children which you have served entered into an abusive environment? There are many questions that ought to be asked. On the positive side of this critique, as an adoptee myself (pastor Alec) I can tell you for a fact that I and many another adoptees whom I know have struggled with finding acceptance even though we came from loving homes. There is trauma at birth.
Thank you for your post and testimony as it is valuable.
I wasn't adopted. My mom was my mom. But I do come from a long line of generational trama. Your title made me think of that movie Inside. I believe Riley's birth mother was ND and that the pain of her being forced to give her baby away caused Riley's sadness from birth.
I'm seventy and have been through two marriages a life of addiction (you name it and I've used it) and can't build a relationship with my children. and it's only since I've found videos on the subject that I've started to understand why my life has been full of pain. All I have now is a lot of questions.
@TonyBurke100
2 months ago Try reading "Primal Wound" & "Coming Home To Self" Nancy Newton Verrier it helped me understand things.
My parents won’t even give me the real details of my adoption. Supposedly they have NO birth certificate. Yet they know when our birthday is. NO record of who we were.. yet my twin and I found our passports from when we were baby with our actual names on them.
There’s a lot of secrecy. And I’m not sure why.
I also was adopted along with my twin. It sounds horrible that you were withheld info that most people take for granted. Hang in there!
That’s extremely shady. I’m so sorry your parents have been withholding information you have a right to know.
I don't know how old you are but I think sometimes adoptive parents are trying to keep their adopted children 'safe' until they are 18 and emotionally old enough to handle it all. They want them to have a childhood without the shadow of birth parents hanging over them. Then when you are 18 you can legally access your file and find out who your birth parents are should you wish to.
Some adoptees don't choose to search until they are older or when they have become parents themselves or their adoptive parents have passed away or whatever. Some are happy not knowing and some have a burning desire to know where they came from. Everyone is different.
To answer your first questions. Because adoptive parents, like the rest of society, doesn't acknowledge that separating a baby from their mother is traumatic. Because that would mean they'd have to re-think the exploitative adoption system and realise how unethical it is. So this is why so many adoptees struggle with depression (grief), addiction (for self-soothing) and suicide. Because society won't acknowledge that grief.
So what should be done? Force unfit parents to raise their unwanted children? Send them to orphanages and group homes instead?
@@williamjameslehy1341 I'm clearly talking about the infant adoption system which seeks to separate mothers and babies. Which is what the video is about.
Did you even watch the video? It's about why adoptee trauma isn't acknowledged, and I was answering the question.
You've descended into whatabaoutism without thinking things through.
What you're talking about is a child protection system, which is different.
Did I say that kids should be in group homes?
I'm talking about the trauma that a baby suffers when they are separated from their mother (even if that separation needs to happen).
No other country has a infant/ private adoption system or culture like America. It's unethical and traumatic and exploitative.
In the UK for example there is no such thing as an 'unwanted child'. There is free contraception, abortions and welfare/ housing to support young mothers.
Babies/ children are only removed if there is abuse, and kinship arrangements are sought first. Then adoption is a final resort.
there are a lot of generalisations here , especially about adopted kids hating their adoptive parents. there are huge problems with raises adopted kids and little guidance. some of the greatest people in history were orphans or adopted, like every super hero. I like the book loves hidden symmetries, has some interesting generalisations too
Definitely an eye opener. Thank you.
I've finally started therapy to address my adoption/relinquishment trauma, which was exacerbated by my narcissistic adoptive mother and a very chaotic upbringing. I wish I would've done this years ago. I'm close to beginning a search for my birth family, but trying to temper the desire to reconnect with an understanding that I can't go into that with any preconceived notions or expectations. This video by Paul Sunderland was my first real introduction to this topic, and I'm really glad more people are beginning to take this seriously. There are a lot of broken people out there without the vocabulary to talk about their pain, because the primary narrative still favors the adoptive and birth parents' struggles, rather than the adoptees who had no agency whatsoever in what was happening to them. Let's keep this conversation going. Just talking about it openly has changed my life, although I have a long, long way to go still: ua-cam.com/video/Y3pX4C-mtiI/v-deo.html&ab_channel=pandaluna
This has completely scared me out of the idea of adopting.
It is a noble thing to give a home to an orphan..... be open, honest and fun loving with your child. Be educated in separation trauma from the mother, child development, and on love languages (how your child needs to be loved to feel love). Develop your child's innate gifts and talents. Have a strong support system.......And last but not least, pray to the Lord for wisdom to love and raise your child. You will then be a great parent. And God will bless you......the rewards are eternal 😇.
As an adoptee I don't feel it should be stopped, I feel it should be done in an educated and empathetic way. Just go in with eyes wide open. Babies still need somebody to raise them when their bio parents don't.
^^Both the replies are everything that's right with the world^^
@@teamtwe- There are very few 'orphans' up for adoption these days where both their birth parents are deceased.
I was adopted at birth and gotta great story of how survived loving myself
I adopted my daughter at birth, she is now 3. I am going to read both of the recommended books, and if anyone has others, please leave in the reply.
Coming Home To Self & Primal Wound both by Nancy Newton Verrier - Helped me.
Thank you for this video. Keep them coming. Excellent work.
It's because the adoptive parents think they are aaviours and don't give a shit about our trauma. They put their heads in the sand and shame us or call us ungrateful or worse.
I was four yrs old when I realized that my brothers and sisters were strangers to me ! I'm now 54 I'm still tramatized
So what is the solution? Should people not adopt.
Internally I'm lost,can't feel affection or hate ,never felt connected to anyone , thing, or place !
Trying to understand what affects me !
Why were they not ur brothers and sisters? Not being rude but if I found out tomorrow my sisters and me weren't biologically related all along I would grieve the loss of DNA but that bond for the last 20 years won't just go in the trash n they become "strangers"
@@sharkisland5931 because I didn't know it at the time but they were native and I wasn't
@@shanawesthoff9622 the solution is to try and maintain family connections wherever possible. If a birth parent can't raise their child, is there a grandparent or aunt or cousin that can? There's a lot of research on the importance of having genetic mirroring in your household, so if you can find someone who still shares a lot of the child's genes, it's SO much better for their mental health. If there's nobody else in the family that can take the child in, are there at least relatives that can be in the child's life? That won't be as good as living with them, but it still helps for a child to know their genetic relatives and feel that inherent sense of family and belonging that doesn't exist in genetic strangers.
This is helpful. Thank you.
I was adopted at 3 years old, and am a member of a class action in Canada called the 60's scoop.
For me being adopted was a double edge sword. I did not fit in. I still do not fit in. Failure to fit in to what I see as foolishness for the most part. The masses live lives of quiet desperation. This doctor or therapist the lawyer the judge all wear a mask.You hold your destiny in your own hands. Inspire yourself dont look to others because they cannot help you. God gave you a mission to achieveve on earth. You have a patch of ground to work which is your destiny. No one else can do what you do. Do not imitate anyone ever. Blaze your own trail. Be your own person. Your character defines you. People hide behind a variety of masks hoping they wont be exposed. In my opinion social niceties get in the way of real communication. Be original be real. Living in the precious present is true happiness. Stop fighting the current of life let go and enjoy the ride. Each and every moment of life is new and alive. When you align with your destiny life is smooth sailing.
Thank you for this video. You said that “pop culture” has more understanding of international adoption from orphanages. I’m not sure where you were coming from in that though. Perhaps as far as research studies?
As far as general knowledge and empathy I have found that untrue in my experience as the parent of my now 18 year old daughter who spent her first 9 months without an individual caretaker. It’s not been easy to find the help we need. We need more even though we see 2 counselors and a psychiatrist.
I am very interested in trying to help my daughter who has developmental trauma from birth. (I now accept this-I was not knowledgeable enough at the time to realize how much it affected her until she became a teen).
Things I know: 1. birth Mom had gestational diabetes which on top of what you said about birthmom trying not to bond with infant probably didn’t help my daughter. 2. My daughter broke her collar bone during birth. That’s another stressor on a newborn. 3. She was left in the hospital for 3 months to heal before being moved to a baby house/orphanage. 4. While the caretakers seemed caring, there are so many babies to care for, they are neglected from that one on one parental love.
Having my birth kids as well, I feel so sad missing all of that growth and care and bonding my daughter didn’t have. No wonder her brain didn’t get to grow as it should have with the one on one care.
One thing I’d like to suggest in respect of birth parents. Many “make an adoption plan” very carefully. They don’t “give up” their baby.
I’ve seen firsthand how carefully they can plan-excited for a better life than she can give to baby-yet mixed with that sadness of not being able to care for baby as she would like to.
Thanks again.
As an international adoptee from a Romanian orphanage (the exact country she’s referring to with that statement), I can GUARANTEE you that very few people even know there was a genocide in Romania, let alone anything about the details. It’s offensive that she said pop culture knows anything about this. Developmental psychologists and neuroscientists know about this. Not the general public.
@@aliioana8586 Hello, Ioana! I am also from Romania. I've read a lot about the horrible state of the "orphanages" back in Ceauşescu's regime and I am horrified to know that was real! Of course, what was uncovered will never grasp the magnitude of damage those places did...
I am so sorry for what you must have gone through! My heart and well wishes go out to you 🤗 I hope you know what a fighter you are, a survivor that keeps going!
I am discussing with my husband the option of adopting a child as I have a history of depression (both myself and generational) and I'm scared of being pregnant as it would lead to hormonal imbalances and possibly severe post-partum depression. I have been in therapy for a few years and it's been an immense help. Being an empath has always seemed like a bad thing to me, making me susceptible to emotional manipulation, poor boundaries, a people pleaser and so on. I've been working hard at adressing those issues and can genuinely say I'm in a totally different place than I was back in my 20's.
I am looking to educate myself on the topic of adoption and stumbled across this video. Honestly, it seems a bit... demoralizing. I cannot speak from the perspective of an adoptee as I am not one myself. Having said that, speaking from the perspective of someone who has had to claw their way out of generational trauma, to work really hard on healing and accepting myself, I can say that all children are fighters, trying to cope in their own ways, trying to make the best of the cards they have been dealt at birth. I admire those who look within themselves and adress the issues they find. It is brave, in my opinion. This is why this video seems belitteling to me.
I would love to read your perspective.
Also, as someone who has gone through the adoption process, made more challenging by the change of language and culture, what is your opinion on adoption, bonding with adoptive parents and so on.
Thank you for taking the time to read this long comment (if you had the time) and sorry for rambling! 😅
Please don’t say ‘real parents’
Look, I'm no therapist but, you shouldn't say "real" parents. It's better to say bio/birth and adoptive parents.
Totally agree.
And as an adoptee I can say this about my purchasers and the social worker.
Oh I really loathe my purchasers for their abuses and neglect and lies
Oh so you're saying there are boundaries with what you are supposed to feel when you are taught that a lie is keeping correct information from someone who has a right to it. I think there should be boundaries about how many right people who think they can buy a baby and remake this babies identity into whatever these so called parents expect and only have the warm body remaining of the child. You give these people way too much credit most of them are not good people they are very selfish people.
I still have no right to legally severe their paperwork or get my real birth certificate and I only now got a full medical history via ancestory. My advice to my fellow adoptees is don't believe a word they tell you alot of unidentifying info is obscured or just lies and most of the time you will he better off when you find your family and ask them.
@@megnemo6403 Couldent agree more about not trusting your adoptive parents by law they were supposed to give me all the information about my birth parents when I turned 18 dident receive my birth certificate and the truth until I was 19. They kept giving me hope I would be able to meet my birth mother turns out she has been dead 8 years and they kept it from me. Dont trust a word they tell you.
@@saywhat7734 I'm so sorry my mother also died before I found her too. There is no comfort in this all we can do is spread awareness and fight for the generations that follow us. I wish I could hug you and make it all stop but alas I can't.
I also recommend Betty Jean Lifton's "Lost & Found" if you haven't already discovered that one.
Really appreciate the video and research and effort. Can I point out that the "hate" doesn't belong to the birth mother. In most cases she had no real choice. Religious organizations know this, and harvest baby-products to sell to the adoption industry for $40,000, if they're white. The birth mother gets nothing but shamed. She is just slave labor. It's the pimps and the Johns - the agencies and the baby purchasers who get the hate. They earned it. I'm going to guess that you're finding that among your 25% adoptee client population that most of their adoptive households are run by a narcissist. We need data on the abuse that many of us are the survivors of. The stories will blow your mind.
Wow... yeah, my adoptive household was run by a narcissist. :(
@A O That’s the dumbest and most disrespectful comment ever.
@Customer Service Obsessed Way to announce that you're a hateful, ignorant incel.
I didn’t give my baby for adoption. My baby was kidnapped at 5 days old. Government decides who can be a Mother and who cannot that. This is legal child Trafficking.
I’m so sorry 😞
I get told I'm wrong all the time when I say that CPS/DHS etc are trafficking even despite their own research stating most the abuse and trafficking comes from them.
I haven't personally dealt with them but have countless family members x's and friends who have and used to watch a YT channel that constantly covered cases of what you speak of. I also, being an adoptee, did my senior project on adoption, wanted to be a foster parent, and back in 2004 encountered many hidden and ugly truths about CPS/DHS/etc. (I've been called a conspiracy theorist when I try to put out truthful information about what the government agencies are doing, despite it being so well documented) the brainwashing of society is very real and it's frustrating to watch for as long as I have in many areas of "reality"... it's infuriating when you're labeled as sick, crazy, unable to function, stupid, delusional, etc, even though your doctors and shrinks insist you're above average IQ, correct, and so on... and know that you're witnessing an insane society. I concluded years ago and my doctors agree, that, I'm not the " sick " or crazy one, society is sick. so for a sick society to say I'm the sick one I wear it as a badge of honor. doesn't make the isolation any less painful or the hurtful names and crazy accusations and labels less damaging, I definitely have to talk myself up more than I should to counter the negativity thrown my way, but, I'm glad I'm not them and don't want to be...
I'm sorry for what's been done to you and your child, it really is an injustice and I won't lie and say "I'm sure things will work out" or "one day things will be better" because that's not true. it's criminal what's been done to you and every second that you are separated from your child, is pain suffering and damage that should have never happened in the first place by, quite frankly, an illegal court and authoritative agency, and this crime/these crimes, we're done to two people, you and your child. as well as every other parent(s) and child/ren this is and has been done to.
I know it's just one case, but the case of Logan Marr really upsets me. mostly because it happened so long ago and the problem continues but it ended in the death of a child that was taken for no good reason, mostly over the moms mother disagreeing with how the mom was raising her daughter and calling CPS on her own daughter. how many bs calls do these places get where the children are removed and lives are forever ruined.
I know I'm speaking to the choir here, I'm sorry again that this happened to you. I really hope you're able to get you're child back (id say if you do leave your state to one where you won't be pursued by them as much. it's not a great way to live but this world is controlled by pedophiles and inbred psychopaths, so, justice being served is, at this point, with the brainwashed masses, nothing more than wishful thinking, sadly.)
I truly wish nothing but the best for you
🕉
🙏🏼नमस्ते🙏🏼
(ηαмαѕтє)
My son was also abducted in my opinion. I’m the father though. My ex put our son up for adoption and I never consented. I contested the adoption and hired a lawyer but I lost. For the stupidest reason too.
This is genius 👍🏼 thank you so much
I’m adopted from Russia and was 18 months old when I was actually adopted
In deep therapy some clients re live early loss again and again until integrated .
Good video here
As an adoptee I thought Primal Wound would be a great read and help me understand and learn. It's awful. Constantly portraying an adopted child as permanently damaged and fractured emotionally. If I was looking to adopt a child, I would be totally off by this book loading up the issues I would face throughout this child's growing years and into adulthood. Yes, adoptees have varying thoughts and challenges from being totally uninterested in the fact they were/are adoptees to finding it problematic or anywhere in between but the irony of this book is it paints a bottle half empty or negative picture of all adopted people which can only make it harder for a child to be adopted should a potential parent read it. PS - With respect, unless you are adopted yourself, you cannot write or teach about being adopted other than in an academic way and I believe this book was written by such an author. Sure, write about the research or the experience of parenting an adoptee but, the whole experience of being adopted is within and cannot be understood unless you are yourself adopted.
Thanks for your insight, as someone contemplating Adoption, I felt compelled to look for that book to read.
It feels scary that despite ones best efforts you would still be raising complex human beings with their own feelings....just like natural born children anyway, but so much scarier for adopted ones.
@@EKL-vf9qj- I agree with the original poster about the book, but what you have to realise is that these days every child up for adoption will have suffered some form of trauma whether that is in the womb or after birth.
There are very few true "orphans" up for adoption these days where both parents are deceased and most babies will have come from some sort of problematic background whether that is drugs, MH, alcohol, or just chaotic parenting.
Birth parents are given every chance to keep their babies these days unlike when I was adopted in Ireland in the early 60's when it was a shameful thing to have a baby out of wedlock. Nowadays babies are only taken away from their birth parents when the parents are unable to parent them properly so usually the babies have experienced a lot of trauma and have usually spent quite a bit of time in care before being available for adoption. Sadly this affects their developing brains and ability to attach to their carers as they may have had many carers and that's what can cause damage to them.
Adopters need to know this and to prepare for having a child that may have additional needs. It is very different from having a baby yourself where you prepared from the time you knew you were pregnant, looking after yourself, eating well and taking care of yourself and preparing for your little bundle of joy in a calm and loving way. A lot of adoptees never had that peaceful start and it takes it's toll on them even at a subliminal level.
I can say there's no doubt some kind of connection with a biological family that both the adopted & adoptee lack.
My daughter was placed for adoption right from birth she was in foster care for 4 months until placed with us. It was through social services sealed adoption. We went through many obstacles for years with her she is now 26 and just informed us she found her 6 -1/2 brother& sisters , birth mother &legal father. They are all great . The birth mother tried telling her a pile of crap we had the adoption summary of her 26 years ago, Hearing all the time about her siblings and her new family of no education, no lifestyle. Yes this women birthed her but she also gave her a life of physical and mental issues that we have had to deal with all these years and told everyone she died at birth, never saw her when she was born. We lost our other adult child to death and I feel like I’ve lost another. I m sorry but I cannot say I think this women is a great person and thank her. My husband and I feel completely betrayed by this whole situation. Iam trying to find someplace to help us heal from this blow. Tired of hearing my sisters and brothers birth mom and legal dad like they are the greatest and we are now the scurg of the earth that are nothing to her. 26 years of loving her providing for her and considering her our daughter we now feel like we are nothing.
Do not think that cannot happen even if the child is your own. I have watched my uncle kick himself the same way, simply about the inlaws, of his biological son. Being parent, adoptive or not, you are exposed to such things.
Please do consider calling the adoptive parents as adoptive parents and not as « real » parents, bc from where I sit, it’s very painful to hear that. Birth parents aren’t unreal!
I was left at birth and then adopted across the world at 4 months old. During my life there have been no considerations about me having any trauma from my adoption. Instead both from adopted parents and the society that i should just be grateful that i came to a country with better economy and opportunities. I never felt at home and understood. I have been so mad for so many years, neglected healthcare due to lack of background information and understandinh over all. I can't really understand why we as adoptees should be punished for something we did not choose. And the not get the professionall help ho heal because it i speak up I'm simply ungrateful.
Hi, I'm an adoptee too but I was adopted in my own country by parents who were the same colour and race as me.
I have always felt for adoptees adopted from another country and culture where they weren't the same colour or race as their adoptive parents because unlike me, they lost their privacy because everyone knew they were adopted just by looking at them and their parents. It must be extra hard having to leave your country and culture behind and to always be known as 'the adopted kids'.
my birth parents took drugs while i was a fetus. i even got withdrawal symptoms as ny birth mother took coccain, I was with my birth parents then went to a Foster home at 3months. i was fully adopted at 2
Your books say anything about adoptees being adopted into families of different races?
I lived this experience, sheer hell, I would have PREFERRED being ABORTED!!!
@@t.j.7789 for me it's just confusing I don't know mu culture or anything but I get to be part of another culture so I don't see a problem but it's different for everyone.
I was adopted but at age 5 or around that time! I noticed I have a hard time forming relationships with my family and with others!! It's hard to and it's 100% exhausting to do it!! I wished my adopted parents took me to therapy, because I was bullied all throughout my life and even my jobs today!! I Hate my birth parents and it was super hard to love my parents when I was a teen but felt guilty that I didn't love them like I should because they adopted me!!
You are loved. 🥺💜
I hope and pray that God will heal every broken area in your life and heart. Amen! 💜
@@dianishamitchell 💚💚💚 I want to adopt because I can relate and help a child who needs a home! I hope I can do the same! Never wished for any child to be without a family!
@lizdestefano4905
1 year ago (edited)
Two books I recommend that helped me understand adoption were by Nancy Newton Verrier (Birth mother adoptee mother and counsellor) "Coming Home To Self" and "Primal Wound"