Before becoming a parent, I always said that parenting is not a right, but a privilege. No one gets to be a parent by genetics. They get to be a parent by doing the work of parenting. Seeing that now I have 2 kids and their dad hasn't spoken to them in several years, it seems appropriate.
Honestly, I’m an adoptee and, despite being raised from infancy by my adopted family and not knowing anything about my biological family, I consider both my adopted family and biological family my parents. Why should I have to choose? My adopted family is wonderful, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re white and I’m not, or that they can’t give me any info on what I may be predisposed to. I do respect the perspective of people who have chosen to reject their biological family for any reason, but it’s not the only POV that donor-conceived and adopted people have.
As a parent, I don't think it's a privilege. A privilege is a gift exclusively bestowed upon certain people because of their exceptional qualities. Like a diplomat getting to use the vip lounge at the airport and skipping the immigration queues. Doesn't mean they do their job well... they just fall into the right category to access that privilege. As someone who was highly educated, solvent, married, a property owner... and struggled to conceive... who then conceived years later, older, divorced, with a lot of medical assistance... I can tell you 'privilege' isn't what made me a parent. Hard work, planning, sacrifice, selflessness, and emotional endurance make me a parent every day. It isn't a life upgrade bestowed on me because I am special, but I do have the *right* to be my child's mother because I put in the work. I carried him, birthed him (which has caused lasting medical issues), and have cared for him all his life. I am the one who will give him his medication, even if it makes him cry... after the babysitter refused because she knew he wouldn't like it. I don't get to just do what's fun... I'm forced to do what's right... And I am the one who will shed quiet tears of my own because I had to make my baby cry. I have a right to see him regularly, make decisions about his education and healthcare etc. Perhaps a better way to say it is that the 'right' to parenthood is born of the *responsibilities* of parenthood. Without taking those responsibilities seriously, you have no rights.
Seconded! There are other content creators who are parents and they exploit their kids for clicks - not these two! They do "parenting while crating content" the correct way!
I'm adopted and even though I've met my bio-mom, my adoptive mom IS my mom. Period. The other people is just my bio-parents. Also, thank you for adopting ❤
@@Inconcvable77 And even if you included your biological parents among your parents, it wouldn’t change the fact that your adoptive parents are your parents.
I love how they talk about how Rupert is so much like Jessica. Just goes to show that DNA is not everything. And how wonderful that Rupert started a tradition of holding hands and saying “Family” at meal time. ❤
We did a stranger adoption of a 5 year old. Same race but no common ancestors back at least 130 years, My wife was obviously as involved as I was. But several times after he was adopted, several people have asked my wife if she was sure he was not my secret son. LOL
I am an (transracial) adoptee via a closed adoption, so I am not donor conceived. That being said, I think I can contribute something to this conversation, being someone who is also genetically severed from my biological family. Often in conversations about donor conception and adoption, the focus is on them as family building tools for the parents, and less centered on the child's perspective. While there is a place for honest discussions about the process of fertility treatment such as this one (although I have to agree with other commenters that the discussion around the selection of donor traits was not very tactful), I hope that going forward you can include more perspectives from donor conceived people. This might involve discussing more of the development, psychological and identity-related challenges that donor conceived children might face. I say this as a child with a comparatively nice adoption and good adoptive parents, and yet who still struggles immensely with my identity to this day. I think seeing parents who used donors spotlight the perspective of donor conceived children would mean a whole lot to many people!
Rupert is still too young to have a fully formed understanding and opinion on the topic, but I imagine they might talk more about how he feels as he gets older. They like to talk from their and their child's experience, and at the moment that's mostly their experiences as parents, although obviously Rupert is becoming more and more of his own person. I imagine we might see them talk more about how Rupert feels in the future.
After researching and seeing a lot of donor conceived children really wanting that sibling connection, I chose to reach out to the sibling registry. I’m so happy I did. I love seeing and hearing about the other kids and I love that my baby will have the option to get to know them when they’re older if they choose.
Yeah, I don’t want to sound harsh, but not giving their son the opportunity to know his biological siblings when they have that option is a selfish choice based on their own wishes and comfort, not what’s best for the child. It’s unlikely someone who has grown up knowing their donor siblings will be resentful of his parents for giving him that experience, but choosing to deny it to him is something you’ll have to explain one day.
@@simonethompson6190they seem like very loving parents who recognize their child as an individual. I’m sure if he were to express interest when he’s old enough to understand they would consider it.
@@simonethompson6190 he is not old enough to make that choice, and them not meeting them right now doesn't remove the option for later. These resources will always be open for him, but he is a toddler right now, he can't comprehend the complexity of donor siblings. They chose what they think is best for them right now, which is what parenting is.
@@simonethompson6190 I have to disagree. It's not like they're hiding it from him or forcing him not to. He'll still have that option if he asks his parents or as an adult. But it's not unreasonable to decide that this is the family they want to create right now and only focus on that.
@@Celcey24 Any relationship you build with a biological sibling in adulthood is going to be vastly different than one built in childhood by its very nature. Donor conception has existed now for decades, and the overwhelming consensus from donor conceived adults is that sibling connections in childhood are important and beneficial. I understand wanting your family to be or look a certain way, but when you are raising a family through means that result in them not having access to both of their genetic parents and all of their genetic siblings (be that due to donor conception, adoption, or even just a blended family), you need to acknowledge that your family will be different from a family where a child is raised by his genetic parents. Saying biology doesn’t matter is a nice sentiment for an adult to have, but adults who were adopted and donor conceived say biology DOES matter to them, and those are the important voices in this conversation, not parents who chose to adopt or use sperm/egg donors.
People you grow up with are the siblings, but it is good to keep track of how many children the donor made and where are they, in case that the children accidentally start dating each other in the future (it is highly improbable but not completely impossible).
It has been known to happen 😬 As someone whose biological grandparents are unknown, any potential romantic partner will have the privilege of getting a DNA test with me on the 3rd date lol
I remember reading an article where this did happen. Thankfully they were long broken up when they found out, but still. Also, their “donor”, was actually a fertility doctor who used his own sperm instead of actual donors. He lied about it, and had charges pressed against him.
It's more likely to happen than other random people since you could have like traits of your donor. So because you're similar in a way, you like eachother. Humans like people like them.
I actively do not want children. I’ve put so much thought into why my life is complete as is, but I love seeing parents like Jess and Claudia who put that much thought into why they should bring children into their family. I don’t much like kids, but I do think children deserve parents who actively celebrate that child’s place in their lives
I'm a few seconds into the video and from 0:22 to about 0:29 there is sound but only a black screen. I don't know if I'm the only one with thr problem, but wanted to mention it in case that I'm not and the black screen wasn't intended, so that you can fix it if you'd like to. If it is just a problem with my YT just ignore the content of this comment and see it as help with the algorithm ;) Wishing you a beautiful evening!
1:35 or is donor conceived !! it's really important to remember that kids who were donor conceived turn into adults who were donor concived. i know that's not really what the video is about, but i find a lot of people forget that using a sperm donor isn't something that goes away after the child grows up. Parents are great, and they're the ones that made the decisions surrounding using sperm donation, but I get questions about it all the time too lol
I just thought I’d add a different perspective to this topic. I come from an indigenous culture where genealogy is a fundamental principle because it links you to your ancestors and ancestral knowledge, as well as the mountains, lands and waterways of your people. Ancestry is also seen as sacred because it gives you prestige and status (that concept doesn’t translate well to English!). There were traditional methods to create families, including forms of surrogacy and adoption where children were able to stay connected to their kinship groups. Unfortunately, colonisation just about eliminated these methods and modern adoption practices left many people without knowledge of their ancestry. Things are definitely improving - the other day I read about possibly changing the rule that you have to be over a certain age before you can access your genetic information. 18 is such an arbitrary number. In my personal experience, it can be devastating to sever ancestral ties completely. I grew up disconnected from my culture (a sadly common experience) and it was the process of finding out my genealogy that then opened the door to my indigenous culture, language and customs. This is such a difficult thing to grapple with and I understand what’s right for one family might not be right for another. But I think everyone should have the right to their genetic information and parents need to protect this right for their children. Just my 10 cents!
I agree. Yet, the certainty about a lot of ancesters would be just misplaced. Women across all geographies and history gave birth to children not connected to the believed father. It is thought in certain areas/times that up to 25% of kids would not come from the stable male partner. The child yet would believe so and grow to worship his thought to be ancestors. DNA tests will change all of this, but... yeah, if you shake the family trees you're gonna get a lot of different fruits.
This! As someone who's neither conceived via sperm donor nor adopted and never left my ancestral country (but my grandparents respectively left their provinces to go to the big cities), I still feel fundamentally lost by having not taught ties with my ancestral cultures and dialects. It's like I'm dropped off in the middle of the ocean with no reference of lands to swim to.
I agree. I'm afraid people can be quite self-interested when it comes to having a family. Even though it can be made to look otherwise, the instinct takes over which is nature at work. One of the downdmsides is what you mention. Identity can get lost and humans are starting to look like commodities. Not wanting to be difficult but there needs to be far more regulation and vetting of all involved.
You probably already know this. But the reason donners can't give more than a certain amount is because of the number of siblings. Most of the information I have is from the US, but one guy created 500 kids, without giving his full information.
Omg wasn't there a Dr. That did that.. or something similar.. edit: according to the Internet the Dr. Had 94 children, that's a lot of human, he didn't see jail time...
There’s a guy from the Netherlands, who potentially has upwards of 3000 children and has been successfully sued so if he makes more children he hast to pay hundreds of dollars
@@gloriazaragoza3349 because there is no law stripping him. The person I get my information from is a donner conceived person so is working on changing laws
@@annabelcrescibene4257 yeah, and the people who researched his case are now able to recognise his offspring everywhere with just one glance, because the guy apparently has a few very recognisable facial features that most of his children have inherited.
There are a lot of stories like this. In the US people can get paid for donating sperm so you have too many people tempted to go to clinic to clinic for a quick buck. You’ve also had issues of clinics lying to donors in the US. I’ve heard of donors on the east coast being promised that their sperm will only be used to conceive 5 children on the west coast only to later find out that there are like 20+ conceived children in the same state. I can’t really speak on the issues in the UK, but the US is a mess in this regard. In the donor community, people conceived from the same donor are called a pod. There are so many stories of pods being in the 100s after a few I started becoming numb to them.
I will say, as someone who is adopted with no known family or medical history, genetics can play a huge part in the forming of identity/lack thereof. My family is my (adoptive) family, but I still have a first family and first parents. Having a first family/parent doesn’t diminish or take away from my adoptive family/parent. I wish I had the option of knowing who they are or ANY information whatsoever, if only for medical/sibling reasons. But I don’t have that option. While I fully understand that you’re wanting a traditional family (in the sense of not having to abide by any outside input), as someone who (while not donor-specific) has different genetics than their family, I still consider them my family and would love to know as much information as possible. They’re still a part of me and my personal history even if they’re not a part of my nuclear family. Wanted to share as food for thought, and I of course know that each family is different and each person is different! ❤
After seeing what my own cousin went through as an adopted person and listened to many others like him or donor conceived people I simply can't be pro anonymous donors anymore. This is a lot harder for adoption but we could at least create a better framework for open adoptions to give more people the chance to do that. In Germany, where I live, anonymous donations where you opt out of the possibility of a child contacting you later is not possible anymore. Still doesn't help with hereditary stuff that comes up early in life and the screening for donors is still not great but it's a decent start at least.
I wouldn't compare being an adopted child to being a child conceived via a doner. They're not at all the same thing. An adopted child had a family before being adopted which is where so much of the difficulty lies, whereas a child who has a doner was born to their family and stayed with that family. The child might be interested in knowing the doner but it is not the same thing as seeking out your previous family in the hopes of getting answers or connections or a wider family. If you're told you were convinced by doner sperm then you know all the answers already. And if you know they were anonymous then you know they aren't/don't want to be considered family. It's very cut and dry.
@@eireannbullimore7763 While adoption and donor conception aren't exactly the same, there are many parallels. Donor conceived people actually do want to know who their genetic relatives are, just like adoptees want to know. Just because there's a difference in the details of conception and birth, doesn't mean that either DCP or adoptees should be denied knowing information about themselves. Both groups of people should have the right to access their information and be able to form relationships with their genetic family if that's what they desire. DCP wanting to find genetic family are motivated by exactly the same reasons that adoptees want to find genetic family. It's interesting that you recognize this for adoptees, but not DCP. All humans should have the right to know who they are and not have information kept from them. Being curious about genetic family does not mean that the raising family doesn't matter. You can be perfectly content with your raising family and still want to know where your different traits come from.
@@eireannbullimore7763how many donor conceived people have you talked to? Or adoptees for that matter? If you talk to enough you quickly learn there is never a one size fits all to how we view our biological vs the families that raised us. I’ve known adoptees who view their bio families as unimportant to them and donors desperate for a chance to connect with their donor and pod. You can’t simply say that a child will feel this way growing up donor conceived or adopted. The best you can do is leave as many door as possible open so the child can choose what kind of connections they want
I think diblings and siblings are both valid- it's a different relationship and it's obviously not the same as a sibling you're raised with (but there are lots of different siblings/step siblings/half sibligns etc too, it's a messy spectrum not a yes/no box), but it's a connection that can be important for people.
My friend had a child through a sperm donor. The facility she went through offered a sibling registry option. She and her daughter have met one of her half “sisters “. My friend really wanted her daughter to have the option to meet her siblings one day.
I was a grant writer for educational institutions and "persistence" of the learner was usually one of the pieces of data we had to collect for the grant.
that makes me feel pretty validated as I've always been called 'stubborn' by both my parents and they always mean it in a demeaning way, to let others know that I was the difficult child aa
Both my daughter and her son are very "determined," as I like to call it. They've both had different types of difficulties to cope with, so I'm glad they have this. They know what they want and they're not afraid to say it and fight for it. PS maybe they get a little bit of it from me!
@@DragonGirl48I was also considered stubborn but persistent and determined are better terms; my life would have been much worse if I was less so. There's been a lot of issues abd troubles and frankly, my parent's opinion of my difficulty is pretty irrelevant at this point.
Thanks for sharing. Your family is beautiful. There are so many complexities and emotions tied into donor conception. I’d encourage you to look into the perspectives of donor conceived people around meeting their donor and/or donor siblings. Obviously every individual has their own view, just like different families have different values and beliefs, but I’ve found it so helpful to listen openly to the perspectives of donor conceived people in my own journey to parenthood through donor conception. It has shifted a lot of my initial instincts to keep my family unit small and exclusive.
I was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor, and I'm very happy with that. The idea of knowing him feels very strange and uncomfortable for me. My mother is a single mother by choice, and she didn't want any more children; just me; even though I begged her for a sibling. Now I'm 18 I'm waiting to hear back from the HFEA about my donor-conceived half siblings... I can't wait to finally have siblings! I think if he wasn't anonymous it might be a lot more difficult and complicated, if they might know him. I want to go the same route as my mother, I don't like that they can't be anonymous anymore... I'll see how I feel when I'm ready for children, but I might go to a different country... we'll see. I know they're not really a "dad", or at least that's how people like to see it, but they are still a biological parent and I just think it would be weird. I don't like the idea for myself and my family, I always liked how easy and straightforward it felt to know that I could never know him, it stopped me wondering too much... I wish it was still an option in the UK. Plus it would mean more people are willing to donate, which would be another plus.
I see the comments have gotten thorny. IMO there are no ethically uncomplicated ways to have a baby, but there are ways that people take for granted and ways that put a lot of choices in front of you. We used a known donor as we were TTC during the COVID sperm bank shortages. It has been complicated. I think a lot of us that have strong ideas of the nuclear family really treasure the idea that you can have a baby and they just exist at first in this perfect bubble you and your partner make for them where the outside word can’t hurt them or complicate their lives. Ime using third party reproduction forces you to contend earlier with the fact that your children have their own relationships with the world, and with people who could hurt or disappoint them - that you can protect and love and guide them but they are born already a part of a more complicated and wider universe that you can’t control and can’t predict their reaction to. The two of you have many years to talk this over with Rupert and each other and to take further steps outward into the wider world together. I believe and trust that you’ll be honest with him and listen to him and be responsive to his needs as they emerge - and take his feelings seriously if they’re very different from your own on these topics. The poem “On Children” by Khalil Gibran gets this right. P.s. I was also a little freaked out by dibling meetups, not because I didn’t want my hypothetical kid to meet diblings but because I’m leery of other parents who might try to push a level of relationship on my kid that my kid isn’t feeling. If it had been a choice in front of us, I think I might have waited until my kid could fully articulate ideas like “this adult is being too intense and it freaks me out”.
Also, the child may want medical information in order to take the appropriate medical preventions. Many medical issues are genetically linked, and prevention protocols vary depending on the history.
@kmes8989 good point. Not every donor gives their's or their family's medical history. I believe it's important for the donor child and the parents of the donor to know this so they can both have a better grasp at how to handle their health.
I was conceived via sperm donor in the UK before it was made mandatory for donor information to be collected and shared with their offspring. It was basically completely anonymous. I’m only in my 20s and the law only changed quite recently. I know very very little and tbh it’s quite scary when you don’t know one full half side of your family’s genetic history, for medical purposes. Makes a lot of medical questionnaires fairly pointless. Do I have history of heart disease? Well not on my mother’s side, but I have no clue about my father’s side… I have no intention of getting to know the biological father or anything but it would be good to know risk factors for certain diseases etc….
It was nice to hear Claudia talk about wanting to share her mixed-race heritage with her child. I'm also mixed-race and feel the same way about having potential children, I want to share my genetic heritage, but I'm felt kind of... guilty about valuing genetic connection, because it seemed sort of regressive and offensive to adopted families. So it was really good to see that portrayed as a just different but equally valid point of view coming from different circumstances.
I’m not mixed race but I grew up in and still live in a different country than I was born in so I feel similar. Always feeling like an outsider culturally made me feel like the connection to my home country is more important. I want my children to have that connection too, even if it weak. I’d feel sad if that connection got severed between me and them. I know many people wouldn’t consider my future children as being able to claim that identity since they wouldn’t be born there but my heritage became I big part of my identity since that’s the only thing other people would notice about me so I want to be able to pass that identity to my children.
About the (potential) importance of genetics. (Less relevant to Jess and Claud´s situation, but perhaps some people will relate to my story) When I was conceived, my mother was not sure which of 2 men were biologically my father. I grew up looking exactly like my mother for the first 20 years of my life, so I didn´t really think much about it , though i knew about it. I had a strained relationship with my birth-father (as in; on my birth certificate) growing up, so at 25 i sought out the other man who might have had something to do with my creation. And he was confirmed to be my biological father. At this point i was not looking for "my real dad". I had a dad. One I didn´t speak to at the time, but I had one. But I was curious to know if I had siblings. I wanted to belong, because I always had felt so different from my family, and it had left me feeling lonely and wrong. Turns out, my bio-dad´s side of the family are all like me. We have all the same hobbies and interests, the same humor, health situations, mannerisms, and all the little quirks I´d been shamed and scolded for my whole life were suddenly normal, accepted and even encouraged. I obviously don´t believe all children who don´t know their sperm-donor / bio-parent will feel the way I did. My situation was greatly weighted by my relationship with the parents who raised me. But finding my biological father opened a world to me where I could finally see myself in someone else, and where I could belong in a way I hadn´t before. I have felt like I was a fascinating study in nature vs nurture through the last handful of years while I´ve gotten to know them.
I dont see this as nature vs nurture... i know so many, but really so many people who don't feel like they belong to their (biological) family that is just staggering. Growing up is difficult and the chances that some sort of strain with birth/raising parents/family happen are really high. There are so many people seeking what you seek in religion, sports, hobbies groups to find a sense of belonging outside family. So many i have heard saying they thought they could only be adopted because they had nothing in common with their family. In your case you found people with a meaning providing connection. But believe me, if that 'meaning' (in this case genetic) was not there you wouldn't find the same things (even if the genes were).
I really do think nature can play a bigger role in someone’s personality than people think. Obviously it’s not always the case because sometimes you just don’t inherit things but I think it’s definitely possible to inherit a lot of things like personality from your biological parents. It always amazed me growing up how there was so many things my parents had never discussed with me before and then it turned out we had the same opinions. So many hobbies I picked up that it turns out my parents also used to enjoy when they were younger. I feel like nature vs nurture isn’t so black and white.
Knowing that Jessica has a brother I've always wondered if this was a route you considered but I'd consider it extremely rude to ever ask. Thank you for explaining your thought process and your relationship to the importance of genetic connection. 😊
I think the concept of asking things like that being rude is odd and complex, I think it would greatly depend on your relationship with the person you were asking. Some siblings are so close they wouldn't think twice about mentioning the idea, maybe even before thinking it through themselves, they'd want to think it through together.
@@conlon4332 I think they were saying it would be rude for them, an internet stranger, to ask about it. It wouldn't be rude for them to discuss it within the family.
Rupert sounds like an amazing person! I love how he is clearly being raised with love, support, and encouragement of his autonomy and self expression! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. ❤
Very interesting, thank you! Regarding at least some donors in the US: my nephew donated many, many times when he was in college because he was paid. He more than likely lied about his family background so he wouldn't be rejected. He probably looked great on paper. This hurts my heart 😢. Our family & his mother's family have lots of hereditable problems - mental illness, addiction, among others. Wherever it was that he went, they didn't or couldn't screen well enough.
Yeah this is definitely a problem. Some things can be tested but everything they have to disclose themselves without providing proof isn't necessarily true.
I love what an amazing example Jessica and Claudia are of successfully raising a child without gender expectations, but without the super extreme thing of raising them without gender at all. Like they're perfectly fine with calling him a boy, but they don't push him to like "boy things" and not "girl things". I think they're an excellent example of how to do that.
I've been following for a long time & I appreciate you sharing your perspectives! I would, however, be interested in seeing a video more in conversation with the donor conceived community. Your videos are usually so informative and well-rounded, but this one felt very lacking in terms of considering/bringing up concerns the donor conceived community has
As a donor conceived person I fully agree. I was actually really disappointed by this video because it feels so parent-oriented when this all has such an impact on the child of such decisions. I’m happy for them but at the same time I wish they’d let people on the other side of this have their say.
@@Orangecat223curious if you would share, what is your opinion from the point of view of the donor conceived person on what they discussed in the video?
I’m so happy seeing people yak about donor conception more since I was conceived with an egg donor and when we were talking about fertility in my biology lesson and I brought it up, no one except the teacher knew what it was. It’s great seeing it being spoken about more.
actually...that video comes at a good time. my husband and i have a son but want a second baby...unfortunately he had prostate cancer right after we tried and and had a miscarriage. we have very little sperm frozen left. i have to do some things before we can proceed medically too but... donor sperm... would be an alternative and could reduce pressure!! its a good idea!
I’m wishing you luck but please look into perspectives from people born of sperm donors. I am one of them, and personally the way it is right now it just so difficult to go through as the child of sperm donors. And the organisation in charge of this in the UK recognises this - I’m entitled to a large amount of free therapy as there’s a lot of difficult mental issues to overcome. Please have a look at other opinions before making the choice ❤
Thank you for this insightful video and all the others focused on conception! My partner and I are about to embark on our journey to parenthood, and these topics frequently come to mind. When it comes to the connection between our future child and their donor, I find myself resonating with your perspective. Personally, I don’t feel a strong need to know who the donor is as a person or an urge to connect with their half-siblings. However, my partner raises a valid point: while my feelings are important, we should also consider what might be best for our future child. Offering them information about their donor and the opportunity to meet their half-siblings could provide enriching experiences that they deserve. I’ve been reflecting on this a lot and am still trying to find my footing on where I stand. I appreciate the conversation this video sparks, as it encourages us to think deeply about our choices and their impact on our future child. Thank you again for sharing your knowledge and insights!
@insertname1857Thank you for your comment! As a queer and disabled person, I've come to realize that while many people may share my genes, I don't necessarily consider them family. For me, family isn't defined by DNA. However, I also recognize that this perspective is shaped by my own generational trauma, and I have no intention of passing that on to my future child. I'm open to listening to the opinions of donor-conceived individuals, as well as my partner’s perspective in our situation. Both things can be true: people related to you might not always be those you consider family, but they still are important part of you. I don't want to deprive my child of the experience of knowing their biological connections, so I will leave it up to them to decide how involved they want to be with that part of our family.
I was born of a sperm donor and I will echo the other reply - please focus on the experiences of people born of sperm donors before making this decision. Personally it’s quite sad that we get ignored - people don’t understand the hurt these decisions can cause. If you do make that decision PLEASE let you child know about it from a young age. I didn’t learn about it till adulthood and it profoundly affected me. I immediately wept. The organisation that handles this stuff in the UK even recognises how traumatic it can be - I’m entitled to free therapy through them…
@@Orangecat223 oh, in no way we're thinking about not telling the baby its donor conceived. Of course our child will know this. I was talking about them having a relationship with their half-siblings.
Family can come in so many forms, it's crazy that anyone would try to limit its definition to such a finite degree. Thanks for sharing the different possibilities as well as your experience.
I know quite a few families created in part by donor sperm where one of the children seems more like the non-biological mother than the biological one. It’s really interesting to me. Thanks for the video, and of course I still wish you luck in providing Rupert with a sibling. 🎀💖🎀
You might not think a genetic connection is important, but have you ever actually had any experience with newly-discovered biological relatives? Because I have, and it can actually be very, very intense.
I have...it was intense for the other person but not for me... it even made me feel unconfortable not being able to share the intensity... i guess people are different, because to me the experience was not neutral just because i realized i was not matching the other person expectations and feelings.
[edit: saying all this while understanding that different people have different perspectives] Lesbian here. I have always dreamed of a friend of my wife and I having a child together and the 3 of us all co-parenting with my wife and I being the primary parents. I grew up without information about my dad's side of the family. I was never bothered by it until my 30s when I went traveling to my dad's country of origin. Oi. The lack of genetic mirroring greatly affected me. The UN has declared access to your genetic history is a human right and it might be my autism that likes rules and is extremely social justice oriented but also...not knowing a whole genetic side to my family kinda sucks...almost makes me not want to give my eggs to my wife to make a baby. (I am Infertile)
You know your own health, and you can always have genetic screening if you're worried... there are genetic tests for so many different conditions. I wouldn't worry too much about it though, so much about health is unknowable anyway. For example anyone can get cancer, there can be genetic influences but some of the biggest ones can be screened for. And most recessive genetic conditions happen when both parents are carriers and have no idea, no history in the family, just been carried silently for generations someone happened to get together with someone else who carried it.
I am 100% with you as a person conceived via sperm donor. I am part Indian via the donor but have never been, and I fear I will feel the same way as you when I do go. Anyway, it’s really difficult and I hope more people listen to our experiences
While I have no interest in having children personally, I love watching your parenting/family videos simply because they're informative about something I would otherwise not have exposure to! I've watched Jessica for a long time now and always love learning about new things from these videos, even when they quite often aren't directly relevant to me.
I was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor, and I'm very happy with that. The idea of knowing him feels very strange and uncomfortable for me. My mother is a single mother by choice, and she didn't want any more children; just me; even though I begged her for a sibling. Now I'm 18 I'm waiting to hear back from the HFEA about my donor-conceived half siblings... I can't wait to finally have siblings! I think if he wasn't anonymous it might be a lot more difficult and complicated, if they might know him. I want to go the same route as my mother, I don't like that they can't be anonymous anymore... I'll see how I feel when I'm ready for children, but I might go to a different country... we'll see. I know they're not really a "dad", or at least that's how people like to see it, but they are still a biological parent and I just think it would be weird. I don't like the idea for myself and my family, I always liked how easy and straightforward it felt to know that I could never know him, it stopped me wondering too much... I wish it was still an option in the UK. Plus it would mean more people are willing to donate, which would be another plus.
@@conlon4332 It can help to know who the biological father is if you wish to date, so you can avoid potential half siblings. I know a man who has fathered 12 children through donation.
hi! I'm also sperm donor conceived. For the record: you are super valid for not wanting to know the man, I am not interested in knowing my donor on a personal level either, but it is misinformation that less people donate when there is no anonymity -- I used to believe this also, but it is provably false.
These topics are so complex and in many ways incredibly individual to the people and situations involved. I do think that a certain amount of regulation is a good thing for all involved, as I have seen some of the donor conception horror-disaster stories coming out of certain other countries where there are no laws and they just suck - people with thousands of genetic half-siblings, donors with serious inheritable conditions that could have been detected if there was any screening, etc. What you describe as the situation in the UK seems to be a good balance between allowing people their own choices and protecting the interests of everyone, most especially the donor-concieved children. With all of the research that now exists about how important it is for people to have the option of finding out about their genetic/biological heritage, from both DC and adopted people alike, it amazes me that any countries still allow entirely anonymous donation with no contact option at adulthood. When I considered egg donation, I was very set on having it be an open donation. I know this option isn't for everyone. I found it interesting that you mentioned not wanting to know the donor or diblings because you wouldn't want to see the shared traits that Rupert may have, because I actually think that's one of the cool things about knowing other people who may share genetic material with you but aren't family. It also reinforces that there is no single right way to manage these issues. Anyone involved has an obligation to keep the best interests of the DC child at the forefront of all choices, because they are the main ones who will deal with the ramifications of donor conception but also the only ones who don't have a voice. It's not strictly a donor sperm related question, more DC in general, but I would be interested to hear what you think on the topic of a child knowing that they were donor concieved. Obviously this is less of an issue for same-sex parents because simple biological facts make it clear that any children you have did not come into your family in the 'traditional' way. I know several heterosexual couples, including a family member, who have used donor sperm or eggs and have no intention of telling the child this and it makes me really uncomfortable. You can never give a child accurate information about themselves and their heritage, both social/cultural and genetic, if you conceal this fact from them. These days especially, where there is a high chance someone uses a service like ancestry and discovers the truth independently, it seems like a huge breach of trust that would be hard to overcome. Still, I do think it is important to respect someone's right to make their own choice even if you disagree with it. Thankyou for your openness as always and your willingness to use your own experience to help educate others. ❤
I truly enjoy your videos. I want to write something more alluring and descriptive yet all I can think is I am so happy that you make videos. You are lovely and you have taught me so much over the years. Thank you.
I live in Uruguay, and I have a 6 month old baby conceived with sperm donor as a single mom. In here, there's only one sperm bank and not only the donor is anonymus but you also don't get to see their photos or characteristics. You basically fill a form and indicates which phenotypes characteristics you would like, and then the genetist choses the donor based on that. In my case, since I did the process by myself, they told me to fill it with the same phenotype as me. The child conceived can get to ask for the donor's name when he turns 18, with a judge petition. And sperm costs USD 275 aprox
My husband and I aren't planning to have children, but if we did I think we'd seriously consider a donor because of his mental health and his terrible family history. He's actually getting screened for BRCA mutations soon to find out whether or not he was lucky enough to skip that particular genetic inheritance
Hi! I'm (hopefully) donating my eggs in 3-6 months. The process is in progress. I'm really struggling with not smoking and I could really do with them all of the time. I'm in a lot of horrible situations atm. But! Donating is so lovely!!! So worth it!!! X
I love the idea of diblings and are in contact (via a facebook group) with several families who used our donor. To me, it's part of using a donor and my kid can decide how she feels about them later but she has a right to know that they exist and who they are.
Thank you for a fantastic video - a close couple to me are going through this and it's great to learn more to be able to support them or divert questions if/when I can.
I don't think you generally need everyone there when you register the birth of a baby, but I have heard it's a good idea 😂 My dad went to register me without my mum (I can't remember being told if I also went or not), and I believe the story goes he forgot the middle name my mum had chosen for me, so my middle name is now my mum's name. She's told me several times how she wanted me to be "Heidi Louise". Ultimately, I'm glad my dad went alone!
For me, family is about a certain relationship you have, not a generic linkage, I'm genetically related to people who I don't consider family, and equally I could consider someone family regardless of whether I'm genetically related That said, being aware of shared genetics is important if later you wish to have children genetically related to you, you want to be able to avoid the other genetic contributor sharing a close genetic linkage to you.
Great video! I felt the same way of feeling like I wouldn't be able to separate my child from others if someone (other than husband) gave us a NAME for the baby. WE had to come up with the name. I understand that feeling ❤.
I think I'll adopt if I ever end up settling down with a nesting group. That said, I think the idea of giving a child a "kitronim" (ie: youth name) with the expectation that they can change it to something that fits them whenever they feel ready to do that. Ie: I think the symbolism of a child/young adult picking a name for themselves as they start to discover who they want to be. I changed mine when I transitioned and more than anything I just want to make it clear that any gift (name, clothes, games, etc) can be returned if they're not a good fit.
Awww this is so lovely ❤ I love seeing your love together and how totally you make a complete family. I also wanted to say, I know from friends whove been adopted, at a certain point in adulthood, it has been really helpful for them to know where they come from, and meet extended family members. Most of them havnt stayed in touch more than an occasional letter or phone chat, after an initial visit, but its helped feeling that there is love and goodwill there, and maybe a feeling of ease, just knowing that yes, my ears are like that because so were my relatives etc etc, and this isnt to say it replaces the actual living family at all.. I think it sounds more like how I feel about my 2nd or 3rd cousins.. kind of distant but important to know theyre there in the background. I know for me, when I came out, one of the most incredibly painful things for me was realising i wouldnt get that experiene of making. a fusion baby with my loved one. Its a very real grief, and i think its unethical that the science community has withheld the technology that is available to make that possible. I think you have every right as a gay couple to select a donor as close to a match as possible and thats not just shallow aesthetics, thats truely making a decision to be a close family because you can. But yes, more than anything, its the little daily things like the way you listen to each other, empathise, mirror each others facial expressions, play together, support each other and just love itself, which builds a family. There are so many kids with living relatives who never experience that pure family care, and endure so so much harm instead. Youve got nothing to worry about, i know you know already but its worth saying, gay families are real families. Anything less is just homophobia. Rupert is so lucky to have you guys ❤ And we are lucky you share a little window into your lives, thanks for being yourselves with us online too 💕 I know its tender, but good luck with the next one too ❤
Very informative video, my wife and I are expecting our baby October. Definitely covered a lot of information we figured out ourselves along the way. I can imagine this being hugely beneficial to people prior to their journey!
Not sure if you've answered this before, but have you ever had to tell Rupert he has a donor, not a father? Was it difficult to explain, or is that more of a conversation you're planning for the future?
I can’t speak for them but I can answer for myself. The accepted practice these days is talk about it early and often, to establish it is not a secret or taboo topic, then take your cues from the child. Some want to talk about it, others completely ignore it. I’ve been ready baby books about it since the day he was born. Some kids do ask “why don’t I have a dad?” because they see their friends in mother/father families, but it helps to find out why they’re asking a dad specifically and then explain how different types of families work. So “I want a dad so they can play football with me.” “Well mummies can play football with you too! Some people have two mums, or a mum and a dad, or just a dad. Everyone is different!” and that usually answers the root of the question
I personally don't even want to have kids but it is very interesting to me to learn about the options that do exist for anyone who does want to become a parent. 😊 Thanks for sharing!
14:13 I have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia, and sooo often people’s assumption is that Standard Chinese Owned Gene Test would answer the question of “which type?”. I am 45. My mom and I were diagnosed when I was 21. Her dad was posthumously (he was in his late 80s. Had been a paraplegic for a few decades. This is in the “identical twins have had different paths and we can only gesture at the epigenome for why” family and no specialist has asked their severity. In fact one reported he’d met another patient, and heard “if you were doing rounds for (partner’s name) at (hospital) in (month) for a stroke patient (…absolutely unrelated…) my father mentioned you (my reflexes are turned to 11 from this diagnosis and I know many don’t drive after a horn or siren nearly startled them into oncoming traffic. I wear cut resistant gloves while cooking because Dad walking into the kitchen as I cook has narrowly avoided disaster at least 4x a year for 2 decades) We know that we have a dominant gene type. Would be a coin flip. Deeply happy the aunt whose kids have kids won that lottery. But we do not know which type is eroding the longest nerves in the body (and only them) cause ‘Murica.
My father isn’t my biological parent and I’ve never had the desire to know him and people ask me why… he didn’t want anything to do with the process and I’m good with that lol I agree with Jessica, family doesn’t need to be biological
Hello Jessica and Claudia, I appreciate you sharing your story and the journey you've undertaken to create your family. However, I must express concern that your video primarily frames the narrative around the desires and experiences of the parents, with little emphasis on the potential challenges and complex feelings your child might face as a donor-conceived individual. Your discussion focuses heavily on the process of selecting a donor and the technicalities of conception, which, while important, sidesteps significant issues commonly faced by donor-conceived people. These include identity struggles, feelings of loss regarding their biological origins, and potential future challenges in connecting with biological relatives or the donor. The perspective presented is largely parent-centric, neglecting the critical need for a more child-focused approach that considers the lifelong implications for the child born from donor conception. Moreover, the casual tone when discussing the selection of donor traits and the dismissive attitude towards genetics might be perceived as reducing a deeply personal and often emotional part of a person's life to mere consumer choice. This can be particularly troubling from the perspective of donor-conceived individuals, who may struggle with feelings of commodification. It's crucial to acknowledge and address these potential hardships and the reality that donor-conceived children often grow up with unique emotional and psychological needs that need understanding and support not just from their family but also from society at large. I urge you to consider these aspects more deeply and to engage with the voices of donor-conceived individuals to provide a more balanced and comprehensive view of what donor conception really entails for all parties involved. Thank you for opening up this conversation, and I hope future discussions can be more inclusive of the child's perspective.
Loved your video and how you both explain your story and the facts around donor conception ! Your story is very like ours in so many ways. Would love more opportunities to talk about this!
Ever since I started seeing "your donor conceived person of tiktok" I've been thinking about Rupert (well, not by name, I don't remember his name) and if your fertility clinic is better than the horror stories she talks about, but it seems that UK regulations are much better than the US lack of regulations.
Well if you use a donor from an international sperm bank you still have the same issues. Because other countries will also use the same donor and not have restrictions
They used an US American sperm bank for at least one of the donors if I remember correctly from their video when they conceived Rupert. So yeah, still not great even with the UK having slightly more regulations.
I remember the pregnancy announcement video. That was sure a journey, definitely a 2 hankie. No spoilers, but definitely crying and laughing. I adored it.
Did so many people in this comment section not watch the video? The nr of times that they say Rupert will have access to x information and that when he turns 18 he has the option to contact the donor if the donor wants. Also they have been very clear in other videos too that they’re not going to lie to Rupert (which, idk how you guys think that’s entirely possible? How’d a lesbian couple even be able to lie about how he came into the world?) I understand having a difference of perspective or opinion but chastising them for something they have literally addressed / that can’t happen is absurd.
i think people are more criticizing their attitude toward rupert potentially connecting to bio relatives which will necessarily impact how they talk to him about being donor conceived and shape his sense of identity and family. also as they mentioned they still could seek out donor siblings during his childhood but seem to think this would make him feel unwanted or disrupt their desire for a "closed family." i think these are entirely valid criticisms whether you agree or not.
I’m curious how you feel (as people who’ve gone through the egg collection process) about egg donors being paid? Because it seems a much more intense and painful process and like many young women I’ve had ads asking me to do it. But for that level of pain I really would want to be paid.
My partner is a trans man, so if/when we have children together donor sperm will be involved. I think we might use his brother as a known donor (if he's willing), but who knows what the future holds.
This was very informative ❤ a lot we have learned already, and some things are different because we live in the USA but it's good to hear other's experience
The DAY we went for our first midwife appointment, my husband casually mentioned that twins ran in his family! 😲 Would have been good to have that disclosed before sex!
I'm queer and do research on donor conception. How do you all feel about the emerging research that donor concieved children (as adults) often want connection to diblings? What would you do as rupert ages if he wants to meet his diblings?
Donor-conceived person here. Can you please just call them siblings? Many, many, many DCP do not like that made up word. It's language made up by the fertility industry to dimish sibling relationships. It's othering.
So my biological father is not on my birth certificate, and I have not had any contact with him since he left when I was 2. When I was younger I used to confuse ppl cause they would ask who/where my dad was and I would say 'I don't have a dad'. Because from my perspective, I don't. I just have my mum :-)
My exact experience. And it's ok. There is no Hollywood drama where you see long for father figure. It's just us this way and it's the norm for you. The only downside for single parent is the tiredness and often lack of budget. But if they have good support system it means nothing.
I've always wanted to be a mom and be pregnant, but the fertility industry scares me a little. The lack of regulation and massive sibling pods, and the potential for not being able to get updated medical information of conditions that could be life altering/ending for that child. Like if the donor dies of heart failure because of something genetic, will that automatically be part of the history? Often it's not, not to mention all the *lost* paperwork, and serial donors who donate in different countries especially in Europe, since there are no international data base etc. this is not me trying to scare anyone or say that donor conception is bad, I think it's a great thing, I want to do it, but I do think that it is heavily underregulated in almost every country on earth. And that there is very little information about what is in the best interest of the child when it comes to donor siblings, avoid accidental incest (especially if the child isn't even told they are donor conceived, which was the norm not that many years ago and still is prevalent today) etc. there is a woman called Laura on TikTok who speak a lot about donor conceived rights and health and risks, so if you're a potential future parent by donor like me, or want to donate, I heavily suggest you check her out. She is mostly US based, but a lot of the information she talks about is universally applicable.
I would assume they'd test for cystic fibrosis, whether the donor be a carrier or have it. My nephew has cystic fibrosis, and no one in my family ever knew anyone was carriers. So whenever I want to have kids I have, well I want too, to get screened for CF. There's so many things that you'd never think of
15:17 i made the same sound as Claudia when I found out that I - the person that went through pregnancy and childbirth - was regulated as the second parent. I may have cursed out loud when I saw the birth certificate. What is interesting, in California it only says First Parent and Second Parent automatically. No need to cross of gender. But they still put the one who gave birth second. Don't know how other states in the US do it. We all function a bit differently.
Do recipient parents in the UK receive updated medical history throughout the donor conceived child’s life? If a donor learned later in life that they had an inheritable condition would they be able to contact the recipient parents and pass that information along? Also, at least being aware of the identities of donor siblings is important when the children get older and begin dating… but that can definitely wait until they are much older and can understand
Not if they used a UK donor from my understanding but they may get that info if the bank is elsewhere. The donor concieved person can access updates at 18 if they choose from what I can tell😢
My husband and I are dark brunettes but our biological son is strawberry blonde and we were both blonde as children 🤷🏻♀️ My husband also registered him without me or the baby 😅
I just love how Rupert came out so much like both of them. God was like Jessica you love this baby, I'll handle the rest in him turning out like you, just you wait. Even though he's genetically Claudia's seems personality is mostly Jessica. I think it's beautiful, just shows how much nurture and true freedom of love impacts who we become. Hope your family is blessed and maybe one day Claude might get to have a baby that'll dig a hole beside hers in the yard lol. Wishing you both really all the happiness even in unexpected ways❤.
Before becoming a parent, I always said that parenting is not a right, but a privilege. No one gets to be a parent by genetics. They get to be a parent by doing the work of parenting. Seeing that now I have 2 kids and their dad hasn't spoken to them in several years, it seems appropriate.
True.
Honestly, I’m an adoptee and, despite being raised from infancy by my adopted family and not knowing anything about my biological family, I consider both my adopted family and biological family my parents. Why should I have to choose? My adopted family is wonderful, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re white and I’m not, or that they can’t give me any info on what I may be predisposed to.
I do respect the perspective of people who have chosen to reject their biological family for any reason, but it’s not the only POV that donor-conceived and adopted people have.
@@swaanmthank you for that pov.
As a parent, I don't think it's a privilege. A privilege is a gift exclusively bestowed upon certain people because of their exceptional qualities. Like a diplomat getting to use the vip lounge at the airport and skipping the immigration queues. Doesn't mean they do their job well... they just fall into the right category to access that privilege.
As someone who was highly educated, solvent, married, a property owner... and struggled to conceive... who then conceived years later, older, divorced, with a lot of medical assistance... I can tell you 'privilege' isn't what made me a parent.
Hard work, planning, sacrifice, selflessness, and emotional endurance make me a parent every day. It isn't a life upgrade bestowed on me because I am special, but I do have the *right* to be my child's mother because I put in the work. I carried him, birthed him (which has caused lasting medical issues), and have cared for him all his life. I am the one who will give him his medication, even if it makes him cry... after the babysitter refused because she knew he wouldn't like it. I don't get to just do what's fun... I'm forced to do what's right... And I am the one who will shed quiet tears of my own because I had to make my baby cry. I have a right to see him regularly, make decisions about his education and healthcare etc.
Perhaps a better way to say it is that the 'right' to parenthood is born of the *responsibilities* of parenthood. Without taking those responsibilities seriously, you have no rights.
i love that you dont share his face. privacy online is NOT taken seriously enough
Seconded! There are other content creators who are parents and they exploit their kids for clicks - not these two! They do "parenting while crating content" the correct way!
I was inspired by them to do the same. Claudia and I were pregnant at about the same time so my son Ivan is the same age as Rupert 🥰❤
I'm an adoptive mom. My children told me repeatedly - "you're my mom." Well done with this video.
💝
I'm adopted and even though I've met my bio-mom, my adoptive mom IS my mom. Period. The other people is just my bio-parents.
Also, thank you for adopting ❤
@@Inconcvable77
And even if you included your biological parents among your parents, it wouldn’t change the fact that your adoptive parents are your parents.
I love how they talk about how Rupert is so much like Jessica. Just goes to show that DNA is not everything.
And how wonderful that Rupert started a tradition of holding hands and saying “Family” at meal time. ❤
We did a stranger adoption of a 5 year old. Same race but no common ancestors back at least 130 years, My wife was obviously as involved as I was. But several times after he was adopted, several people have asked my wife if she was sure he was not my secret son. LOL
@@brucejacobs4026 It’s funny how that happens! My wife is birth mother of our child, but few people guess that, they think it was me.
I am an (transracial) adoptee via a closed adoption, so I am not donor conceived. That being said, I think I can contribute something to this conversation, being someone who is also genetically severed from my biological family. Often in conversations about donor conception and adoption, the focus is on them as family building tools for the parents, and less centered on the child's perspective. While there is a place for honest discussions about the process of fertility treatment such as this one (although I have to agree with other commenters that the discussion around the selection of donor traits was not very tactful), I hope that going forward you can include more perspectives from donor conceived people. This might involve discussing more of the development, psychological and identity-related challenges that donor conceived children might face. I say this as a child with a comparatively nice adoption and good adoptive parents, and yet who still struggles immensely with my identity to this day. I think seeing parents who used donors spotlight the perspective of donor conceived children would mean a whole lot to many people!
Rupert is still too young to have a fully formed understanding and opinion on the topic, but I imagine they might talk more about how he feels as he gets older. They like to talk from their and their child's experience, and at the moment that's mostly their experiences as parents, although obviously Rupert is becoming more and more of his own person. I imagine we might see them talk more about how Rupert feels in the future.
Thank you for this comment, really well said
After researching and seeing a lot of donor conceived children really wanting that sibling connection, I chose to reach out to the sibling registry. I’m so happy I did. I love seeing and hearing about the other kids and I love that my baby will have the option to get to know them when they’re older if they choose.
Yeah, I don’t want to sound harsh, but not giving their son the opportunity to know his biological siblings when they have that option is a selfish choice based on their own wishes and comfort, not what’s best for the child. It’s unlikely someone who has grown up knowing their donor siblings will be resentful of his parents for giving him that experience, but choosing to deny it to him is something you’ll have to explain one day.
@@simonethompson6190they seem like very loving parents who recognize their child as an individual. I’m sure if he were to express interest when he’s old enough to understand they would consider it.
@@simonethompson6190 he is not old enough to make that choice, and them not meeting them right now doesn't remove the option for later. These resources will always be open for him, but he is a toddler right now, he can't comprehend the complexity of donor siblings. They chose what they think is best for them right now, which is what parenting is.
@@simonethompson6190 I have to disagree. It's not like they're hiding it from him or forcing him not to. He'll still have that option if he asks his parents or as an adult. But it's not unreasonable to decide that this is the family they want to create right now and only focus on that.
@@Celcey24 Any relationship you build with a biological sibling in adulthood is going to be vastly different than one built in childhood by its very nature. Donor conception has existed now for decades, and the overwhelming consensus from donor conceived adults is that sibling connections in childhood are important and beneficial. I understand wanting your family to be or look a certain way, but when you are raising a family through means that result in them not having access to both of their genetic parents and all of their genetic siblings (be that due to donor conception, adoption, or even just a blended family), you need to acknowledge that your family will be different from a family where a child is raised by his genetic parents.
Saying biology doesn’t matter is a nice sentiment for an adult to have, but adults who were adopted and donor conceived say biology DOES matter to them, and those are the important voices in this conversation, not parents who chose to adopt or use sperm/egg donors.
People you grow up with are the siblings, but it is good to keep track of how many children the donor made and where are they, in case that the children accidentally start dating each other in the future (it is highly improbable but not completely impossible).
That was exactly what I was thinking - there's that documentary on Netflix about a Danish (I think) donor who had 1000s of kids
It has been known to happen 😬 As someone whose biological grandparents are unknown, any potential romantic partner will have the privilege of getting a DNA test with me on the 3rd date lol
I remember reading an article where this did happen. Thankfully they were long broken up when they found out, but still. Also, their “donor”, was actually a fertility doctor who used his own sperm instead of actual donors. He lied about it, and had charges pressed against him.
Has already happened. Way too many times 😬
It's more likely to happen than other random people since you could have like traits of your donor. So because you're similar in a way, you like eachother. Humans like people like them.
I actively do not want children. I’ve put so much thought into why my life is complete as is, but I love seeing parents like Jess and Claudia who put that much thought into why they should bring children into their family. I don’t much like kids, but I do think children deserve parents who actively celebrate that child’s place in their lives
I'm a few seconds into the video and from 0:22 to about 0:29 there is sound but only a black screen. I don't know if I'm the only one with thr problem, but wanted to mention it in case that I'm not and the black screen wasn't intended, so that you can fix it if you'd like to. If it is just a problem with my YT just ignore the content of this comment and see it as help with the algorithm ;)
Wishing you a beautiful evening!
I had this too, thought it was just me
Happened to me too. May be an editing issue.
I guess they censored, because some little person walked in front of the camera 😅
@@becky9355 that was my first thought... if that's the case, some text on the screen notifying us of that might be a nice addition.
@@becky9355they usually blur the face if that happens, maybe it’s really a mistake
1:35 or is donor conceived !! it's really important to remember that kids who were donor conceived turn into adults who were donor concived. i know that's not really what the video is about, but i find a lot of people forget that using a sperm donor isn't something that goes away after the child grows up. Parents are great, and they're the ones that made the decisions surrounding using sperm donation, but I get questions about it all the time too lol
This 100%. I am a person who was donor conceived. I wish they’d talk about that side more…
@@Orangecat223 agreed!
I just thought I’d add a different perspective to this topic. I come from an indigenous culture where genealogy is a fundamental principle because it links you to your ancestors and ancestral knowledge, as well as the mountains, lands and waterways of your people. Ancestry is also seen as sacred because it gives you prestige and status (that concept doesn’t translate well to English!).
There were traditional methods to create families, including forms of surrogacy and adoption where children were able to stay connected to their kinship groups. Unfortunately, colonisation just about eliminated these methods and modern adoption practices left many people without knowledge of their ancestry. Things are definitely improving - the other day I read about possibly changing the rule that you have to be over a certain age before you can access your genetic information. 18 is such an arbitrary number.
In my personal experience, it can be devastating to sever ancestral ties completely. I grew up disconnected from my culture (a sadly common experience) and it was the process of finding out my genealogy that then opened the door to my indigenous culture, language and customs.
This is such a difficult thing to grapple with and I understand what’s right for one family might not be right for another. But I think everyone should have the right to their genetic information and parents need to protect this right for their children. Just my 10 cents!
Yes Yes!
I agree. Yet, the certainty about a lot of ancesters would be just misplaced. Women across all geographies and history gave birth to children not connected to the believed father. It is thought in certain areas/times that up to 25% of kids would not come from the stable male partner. The child yet would believe so and grow to worship his thought to be ancestors. DNA tests will change all of this, but... yeah, if you shake the family trees you're gonna get a lot of different fruits.
I agree with you - and I was conceived via sperm donor
This! As someone who's neither conceived via sperm donor nor adopted and never left my ancestral country (but my grandparents respectively left their provinces to go to the big cities), I still feel fundamentally lost by having not taught ties with my ancestral cultures and dialects. It's like I'm dropped off in the middle of the ocean with no reference of lands to swim to.
I agree. I'm afraid people can be quite self-interested when it comes to having a family. Even though it can be made to look otherwise, the instinct takes over which is nature at work. One of the downdmsides is what you mention. Identity can get lost and humans are starting to look like commodities.
Not wanting to be difficult but there needs to be far more regulation and vetting of all involved.
You probably already know this. But the reason donners can't give more than a certain amount is because of the number of siblings. Most of the information I have is from the US, but one guy created 500 kids, without giving his full information.
Omg wasn't there a Dr. That did that.. or something similar.. edit: according to the Internet the Dr. Had 94 children, that's a lot of human, he didn't see jail time...
There’s a guy from the Netherlands, who potentially has upwards of 3000 children and has been successfully sued so if he makes more children he hast to pay hundreds of dollars
@@gloriazaragoza3349 because there is no law stripping him. The person I get my information from is a donner conceived person so is working on changing laws
@@annabelcrescibene4257 yeah, and the people who researched his case are now able to recognise his offspring everywhere with just one glance, because the guy apparently has a few very recognisable facial features that most of his children have inherited.
There are a lot of stories like this. In the US people can get paid for donating sperm so you have too many people tempted to go to clinic to clinic for a quick buck. You’ve also had issues of clinics lying to donors in the US. I’ve heard of donors on the east coast being promised that their sperm will only be used to conceive 5 children on the west coast only to later find out that there are like 20+ conceived children in the same state. I can’t really speak on the issues in the UK, but the US is a mess in this regard.
In the donor community, people conceived from the same donor are called a pod. There are so many stories of pods being in the 100s after a few I started becoming numb to them.
I will say, as someone who is adopted with no known family or medical history, genetics can play a huge part in the forming of identity/lack thereof. My family is my (adoptive) family, but I still have a first family and first parents. Having a first family/parent doesn’t diminish or take away from my adoptive family/parent.
I wish I had the option of knowing who they are or ANY information whatsoever, if only for medical/sibling reasons. But I don’t have that option.
While I fully understand that you’re wanting a traditional family (in the sense of not having to abide by any outside input), as someone who (while not donor-specific) has different genetics than their family, I still consider them my family and would love to know as much information as possible. They’re still a part of me and my personal history even if they’re not a part of my nuclear family.
Wanted to share as food for thought, and I of course know that each family is different and each person is different! ❤
After seeing what my own cousin went through as an adopted person and listened to many others like him or donor conceived people I simply can't be pro anonymous donors anymore. This is a lot harder for adoption but we could at least create a better framework for open adoptions to give more people the chance to do that.
In Germany, where I live, anonymous donations where you opt out of the possibility of a child contacting you later is not possible anymore. Still doesn't help with hereditary stuff that comes up early in life and the screening for donors is still not great but it's a decent start at least.
I wouldn't compare being an adopted child to being a child conceived via a doner. They're not at all the same thing.
An adopted child had a family before being adopted which is where so much of the difficulty lies, whereas a child who has a doner was born to their family and stayed with that family. The child might be interested in knowing the doner but it is not the same thing as seeking out your previous family in the hopes of getting answers or connections or a wider family.
If you're told you were convinced by doner sperm then you know all the answers already. And if you know they were anonymous then you know they aren't/don't want to be considered family. It's very cut and dry.
@@DieAlteistwiederdawhat makes me crazy is that “known from the start” donors are the standard in egg donation. It’s extremely, extremely common.
@@eireannbullimore7763 While adoption and donor conception aren't exactly the same, there are many parallels. Donor conceived people actually do want to know who their genetic relatives are, just like adoptees want to know. Just because there's a difference in the details of conception and birth, doesn't mean that either DCP or adoptees should be denied knowing information about themselves. Both groups of people should have the right to access their information and be able to form relationships with their genetic family if that's what they desire. DCP wanting to find genetic family are motivated by exactly the same reasons that adoptees want to find genetic family. It's interesting that you recognize this for adoptees, but not DCP. All humans should have the right to know who they are and not have information kept from them. Being curious about genetic family does not mean that the raising family doesn't matter. You can be perfectly content with your raising family and still want to know where your different traits come from.
@@eireannbullimore7763how many donor conceived people have you talked to? Or adoptees for that matter? If you talk to enough you quickly learn there is never a one size fits all to how we view our biological vs the families that raised us. I’ve known adoptees who view their bio families as unimportant to them and donors desperate for a chance to connect with their donor and pod. You can’t simply say that a child will feel this way growing up donor conceived or adopted. The best you can do is leave as many door as possible open so the child can choose what kind of connections they want
I think diblings and siblings are both valid- it's a different relationship and it's obviously not the same as a sibling you're raised with (but there are lots of different siblings/step siblings/half sibligns etc too, it's a messy spectrum not a yes/no box), but it's a connection that can be important for people.
My friend had a child through a sperm donor. The facility she went through offered a sibling registry option. She and her daughter have met one of her half “sisters “. My friend really wanted her daughter to have the option to meet her siblings one day.
I find this so moving!
Jessica, you mention your nose. I hope you love it, because it’s BEAUTIFUL!!
Right? I find it makes her look all regal and ladylike!
Stubbornness is a survival trait. As a teacher, I've always liked stubborn children. Maybe we should call it "persistence."
I was a grant writer for educational institutions and "persistence" of the learner was usually one of the pieces of data we had to collect for the grant.
that makes me feel pretty validated as I've always been called 'stubborn' by both my parents and they always mean it in a demeaning way, to let others know that I was the difficult child aa
Both my daughter and her son are very "determined," as I like to call it. They've both had different types of difficulties to cope with, so I'm glad they have this. They know what they want and they're not afraid to say it and fight for it.
PS maybe they get a little bit of it from me!
@@DragonGirl48I was also considered stubborn but persistent and determined are better terms; my life would have been much worse if I was less so. There's been a lot of issues abd troubles and frankly, my parent's opinion of my difficulty is pretty irrelevant at this point.
Thanks for sharing. Your family is beautiful. There are so many complexities and emotions tied into donor conception. I’d encourage you to look into the perspectives of donor conceived people around meeting their donor and/or donor siblings. Obviously every individual has their own view, just like different families have different values and beliefs, but I’ve found it so helpful to listen openly to the perspectives of donor conceived people in my own journey to parenthood through donor conception. It has shifted a lot of my initial instincts to keep my family unit small and exclusive.
I was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor, and I'm very happy with that. The idea of knowing him feels very strange and uncomfortable for me. My mother is a single mother by choice, and she didn't want any more children; just me; even though I begged her for a sibling. Now I'm 18 I'm waiting to hear back from the HFEA about my donor-conceived half siblings... I can't wait to finally have siblings! I think if he wasn't anonymous it might be a lot more difficult and complicated, if they might know him. I want to go the same route as my mother, I don't like that they can't be anonymous anymore... I'll see how I feel when I'm ready for children, but I might go to a different country... we'll see. I know they're not really a "dad", or at least that's how people like to see it, but they are still a biological parent and I just think it would be weird. I don't like the idea for myself and my family, I always liked how easy and straightforward it felt to know that I could never know him, it stopped me wondering too much... I wish it was still an option in the UK. Plus it would mean more people are willing to donate, which would be another plus.
I see the comments have gotten thorny. IMO there are no ethically uncomplicated ways to have a baby, but there are ways that people take for granted and ways that put a lot of choices in front of you. We used a known donor as we were TTC during the COVID sperm bank shortages. It has been complicated. I think a lot of us that have strong ideas of the nuclear family really treasure the idea that you can have a baby and they just exist at first in this perfect bubble you and your partner make for them where the outside word can’t hurt them or complicate their lives. Ime using third party reproduction forces you to contend earlier with the fact that your children have their own relationships with the world, and with people who could hurt or disappoint them - that you can protect and love and guide them but they are born already a part of a more complicated and wider universe that you can’t control and can’t predict their reaction to.
The two of you have many years to talk this over with Rupert and each other and to take further steps outward into the wider world together. I believe and trust that you’ll be honest with him and listen to him and be responsive to his needs as they emerge - and take his feelings seriously if they’re very different from your own on these topics. The poem “On Children” by Khalil Gibran gets this right.
P.s. I was also a little freaked out by dibling meetups, not because I didn’t want my hypothetical kid to meet diblings but because I’m leery of other parents who might try to push a level of relationship on my kid that my kid isn’t feeling. If it had been a choice in front of us, I think I might have waited until my kid could fully articulate ideas like “this adult is being too intense and it freaks me out”.
Aww, the mum and son matching dresses at Pride is so cute! He's such a fashionable little lad
I think the child being able to say thank you if the donor is open to meet is a lovely idea.
Also, the child may want medical information in order to take the appropriate medical preventions. Many medical issues are genetically linked, and prevention protocols vary depending on the history.
@kmes8989 good point. Not every donor gives their's or their family's medical history. I believe it's important for the donor child and the parents of the donor to know this so they can both have a better grasp at how to handle their health.
@@candicraveingcloude2822 by my experience they give very through medical history and relatives history in clinic
I was conceived via sperm donor in the UK before it was made mandatory for donor information to be collected and shared with their offspring. It was basically completely anonymous. I’m only in my 20s and the law only changed quite recently. I know very very little and tbh it’s quite scary when you don’t know one full half side of your family’s genetic history, for medical purposes. Makes a lot of medical questionnaires fairly pointless. Do I have history of heart disease? Well not on my mother’s side, but I have no clue about my father’s side…
I have no intention of getting to know the biological father or anything but it would be good to know risk factors for certain diseases etc….
It was nice to hear Claudia talk about wanting to share her mixed-race heritage with her child. I'm also mixed-race and feel the same way about having potential children, I want to share my genetic heritage, but I'm felt kind of... guilty about valuing genetic connection, because it seemed sort of regressive and offensive to adopted families. So it was really good to see that portrayed as a just different but equally valid point of view coming from different circumstances.
I’m not mixed race but I grew up in and still live in a different country than I was born in so I feel similar. Always feeling like an outsider culturally made me feel like the connection to my home country is more important. I want my children to have that connection too, even if it weak. I’d feel sad if that connection got severed between me and them. I know many people wouldn’t consider my future children as being able to claim that identity since they wouldn’t be born there but my heritage became I big part of my identity since that’s the only thing other people would notice about me so I want to be able to pass that identity to my children.
About the (potential) importance of genetics. (Less relevant to Jess and Claud´s situation, but perhaps some people will relate to my story)
When I was conceived, my mother was not sure which of 2 men were biologically my father. I grew up looking exactly like my mother for the first 20 years of my life, so I didn´t really think much about it , though i knew about it.
I had a strained relationship with my birth-father (as in; on my birth certificate) growing up, so at 25 i sought out the other man who might have had something to do with my creation. And he was confirmed to be my biological father.
At this point i was not looking for "my real dad". I had a dad. One I didn´t speak to at the time, but I had one. But I was curious to know if I had siblings. I wanted to belong, because I always had felt so different from my family, and it had left me feeling lonely and wrong.
Turns out, my bio-dad´s side of the family are all like me. We have all the same hobbies and interests, the same humor, health situations, mannerisms, and all the little quirks I´d been shamed and scolded for my whole life were suddenly normal, accepted and even encouraged.
I obviously don´t believe all children who don´t know their sperm-donor / bio-parent will feel the way I did. My situation was greatly weighted by my relationship with the parents who raised me. But finding my biological father opened a world to me where I could finally see myself in someone else, and where I could belong in a way I hadn´t before. I have felt like I was a fascinating study in nature vs nurture through the last handful of years while I´ve gotten to know them.
Same. I felt something affirming about who I am in finding my father to be so much like me. It’s interesting. Nature nurture.
I dont see this as nature vs nurture... i know so many, but really so many people who don't feel like they belong to their (biological) family that is just staggering. Growing up is difficult and the chances that some sort of strain with birth/raising parents/family happen are really high. There are so many people seeking what you seek in religion, sports, hobbies groups to find a sense of belonging outside family. So many i have heard saying they thought they could only be adopted because they had nothing in common with their family. In your case you found people with a meaning providing connection. But believe me, if that 'meaning' (in this case genetic) was not there you wouldn't find the same things (even if the genes were).
That's awesome that you feel welcome and accepted by your other dad's family
I have a friend with a very similar story!
I really do think nature can play a bigger role in someone’s personality than people think. Obviously it’s not always the case because sometimes you just don’t inherit things but I think it’s definitely possible to inherit a lot of things like personality from your biological parents. It always amazed me growing up how there was so many things my parents had never discussed with me before and then it turned out we had the same opinions. So many hobbies I picked up that it turns out my parents also used to enjoy when they were younger. I feel like nature vs nurture isn’t so black and white.
Yay! A Jessica and Claudia video!!!
Knowing that Jessica has a brother I've always wondered if this was a route you considered but I'd consider it extremely rude to ever ask. Thank you for explaining your thought process and your relationship to the importance of genetic connection. 😊
I think the concept of asking things like that being rude is odd and complex, I think it would greatly depend on your relationship with the person you were asking. Some siblings are so close they wouldn't think twice about mentioning the idea, maybe even before thinking it through themselves, they'd want to think it through together.
@@conlon4332 I think they were saying it would be rude for them, an internet stranger, to ask about it. It wouldn't be rude for them to discuss it within the family.
Rupert sounds like an amazing person! I love how he is clearly being raised with love, support, and encouragement of his autonomy and self expression! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. ❤
Very interesting, thank you!
Regarding at least some donors in the US: my nephew donated many, many times when he was in college because he was paid. He more than likely lied about his family background so he wouldn't be rejected. He probably looked great on paper. This hurts my heart 😢. Our family & his mother's family have lots of hereditable problems - mental illness, addiction, among others.
Wherever it was that he went, they didn't or couldn't screen well enough.
Yeah this is definitely a problem. Some things can be tested but everything they have to disclose themselves without providing proof isn't necessarily true.
this is why they shouldnt be paid for it in excess
@@blackk_rose_only sti are tested for typically. Crazy unregulated in the USA
This is common in the us.
Because clinics aren’t required to screen for anything, but STDs most don’t verify any sort of medical history beyond STD
Thank you for your video about this
I love what an amazing example Jessica and Claudia are of successfully raising a child without gender expectations, but without the super extreme thing of raising them without gender at all. Like they're perfectly fine with calling him a boy, but they don't push him to like "boy things" and not "girl things". I think they're an excellent example of how to do that.
I've been following for a long time & I appreciate you sharing your perspectives! I would, however, be interested in seeing a video more in conversation with the donor conceived community. Your videos are usually so informative and well-rounded, but this one felt very lacking in terms of considering/bringing up concerns the donor conceived community has
As a donor conceived person I fully agree. I was actually really disappointed by this video because it feels so parent-oriented when this all has such an impact on the child of such decisions. I’m happy for them but at the same time I wish they’d let people on the other side of this have their say.
@@Orangecat223curious if you would share, what is your opinion from the point of view of the donor conceived person on what they discussed in the video?
Rupert doing the holding hands and saying family is the absolute cutest and most adorable thing ever 😂😍❤
I’m so happy seeing people yak about donor conception more since I was conceived with an egg donor and when we were talking about fertility in my biology lesson and I brought it up, no one except the teacher knew what it was. It’s great seeing it being spoken about more.
This is so interesting to me - I study women’s reproductive health and hearing about this other side of things is really important
Love you both!!
actually...that video comes at a good time. my husband and i have a son but want a second baby...unfortunately he had prostate cancer right after we tried and and had a miscarriage. we have very little sperm frozen left. i have to do some things before we can proceed medically too but... donor sperm... would be an alternative and could reduce pressure!! its a good idea!
❤
Wishing the best to you both!
I’m wishing you luck but please look into perspectives from people born of sperm donors. I am one of them, and personally the way it is right now it just so difficult to go through as the child of sperm donors. And the organisation in charge of this in the UK recognises this - I’m entitled to a large amount of free therapy as there’s a lot of difficult mental issues to overcome.
Please have a look at other opinions before making the choice ❤
@@Orangecat223 ❤️
Rupert! Cutest child I've never seen! Love to you all! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
At first my brain was like "it should be ever, no?" And then it caught up 😂 For sure! He's the cutest child all of us have never seen!
I just love seeing loving, healthy and smart families :)
Thank you for sharing, tastefully and thought through as always
Thank you for this insightful video and all the others focused on conception! My partner and I are about to embark on our journey to parenthood, and these topics frequently come to mind.
When it comes to the connection between our future child and their donor, I find myself resonating with your perspective. Personally, I don’t feel a strong need to know who the donor is as a person or an urge to connect with their half-siblings. However, my partner raises a valid point: while my feelings are important, we should also consider what might be best for our future child.
Offering them information about their donor and the opportunity to meet their half-siblings could provide enriching experiences that they deserve. I’ve been reflecting on this a lot and am still trying to find my footing on where I stand.
I appreciate the conversation this video sparks, as it encourages us to think deeply about our choices and their impact on our future child. Thank you again for sharing your knowledge and insights!
@insertname1857Thank you for your comment! As a queer and disabled person, I've come to realize that while many people may share my genes, I don't necessarily consider them family. For me, family isn't defined by DNA. However, I also recognize that this perspective is shaped by my own generational trauma, and I have no intention of passing that on to my future child. I'm open to listening to the opinions of donor-conceived individuals, as well as my partner’s perspective in our situation.
Both things can be true: people related to you might not always be those you consider family, but they still are important part of you. I don't want to deprive my child of the experience of knowing their biological connections, so I will leave it up to them to decide how involved they want to be with that part of our family.
I was born of a sperm donor and I will echo the other reply - please focus on the experiences of people born of sperm donors before making this decision. Personally it’s quite sad that we get ignored - people don’t understand the hurt these decisions can cause.
If you do make that decision PLEASE let you child know about it from a young age. I didn’t learn about it till adulthood and it profoundly affected me. I immediately wept. The organisation that handles this stuff in the UK even recognises how traumatic it can be - I’m entitled to free therapy through them…
@@Orangecat223 oh, in no way we're thinking about not telling the baby its donor conceived. Of course our child will know this. I was talking about them having a relationship with their half-siblings.
Family can come in so many forms, it's crazy that anyone would try to limit its definition to such a finite degree. Thanks for sharing the different possibilities as well as your experience.
i LOVE hearing how much rupert is into ballet and fashion and a good lil gab sesh. he's truly a man of refined tastes.
I know quite a few families created in part by donor sperm where one of the children seems more like the non-biological mother than the biological one. It’s really interesting to me. Thanks for the video, and of course I still wish you luck in providing Rupert with a sibling. 🎀💖🎀
You might not think a genetic connection is important, but have you ever actually had any experience with newly-discovered biological relatives? Because I have, and it can actually be very, very intense.
I have...it was intense for the other person but not for me... it even made me feel unconfortable not being able to share the intensity... i guess people are different, because to me the experience was not neutral just because i realized i was not matching the other person expectations and feelings.
[edit: saying all this while understanding that different people have different perspectives] Lesbian here. I have always dreamed of a friend of my wife and I having a child together and the 3 of us all co-parenting with my wife and I being the primary parents. I grew up without information about my dad's side of the family. I was never bothered by it until my 30s when I went traveling to my dad's country of origin. Oi. The lack of genetic mirroring greatly affected me. The UN has declared access to your genetic history is a human right and it might be my autism that likes rules and is extremely social justice oriented but also...not knowing a whole genetic side to my family kinda sucks...almost makes me not want to give my eggs to my wife to make a baby. (I am Infertile)
You know your own health, and you can always have genetic screening if you're worried... there are genetic tests for so many different conditions. I wouldn't worry too much about it though, so much about health is unknowable anyway. For example anyone can get cancer, there can be genetic influences but some of the biggest ones can be screened for. And most recessive genetic conditions happen when both parents are carriers and have no idea, no history in the family, just been carried silently for generations someone happened to get together with someone else who carried it.
I am 100% with you as a person conceived via sperm donor. I am part Indian via the donor but have never been, and I fear I will feel the same way as you when I do go. Anyway, it’s really difficult and I hope more people listen to our experiences
While I have no interest in having children personally, I love watching your parenting/family videos simply because they're informative about something I would otherwise not have exposure to! I've watched Jessica for a long time now and always love learning about new things from these videos, even when they quite often aren't directly relevant to me.
I always love seeing the two of you laughing together!
Couple goals!
I was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor, and I'm very happy with that. The idea of knowing him feels very strange and uncomfortable for me. My mother is a single mother by choice, and she didn't want any more children; just me; even though I begged her for a sibling. Now I'm 18 I'm waiting to hear back from the HFEA about my donor-conceived half siblings... I can't wait to finally have siblings! I think if he wasn't anonymous it might be a lot more difficult and complicated, if they might know him. I want to go the same route as my mother, I don't like that they can't be anonymous anymore... I'll see how I feel when I'm ready for children, but I might go to a different country... we'll see. I know they're not really a "dad", or at least that's how people like to see it, but they are still a biological parent and I just think it would be weird. I don't like the idea for myself and my family, I always liked how easy and straightforward it felt to know that I could never know him, it stopped me wondering too much... I wish it was still an option in the UK. Plus it would mean more people are willing to donate, which would be another plus.
@@conlon4332 It can help to know who the biological father is if you wish to date, so you can avoid potential half siblings. I know a man who has fathered 12 children through donation.
@@Cindy99765only 12. That’s rookie numbers
hi! I'm also sperm donor conceived. For the record: you are super valid for not wanting to know the man, I am not interested in knowing my donor on a personal level either, but it is misinformation that less people donate when there is no anonymity -- I used to believe this also, but it is provably false.
matching dresses? 🥹🥹 how precious
These topics are so complex and in many ways incredibly individual to the people and situations involved. I do think that a certain amount of regulation is a good thing for all involved, as I have seen some of the donor conception horror-disaster stories coming out of certain other countries where there are no laws and they just suck - people with thousands of genetic half-siblings, donors with serious inheritable conditions that could have been detected if there was any screening, etc. What you describe as the situation in the UK seems to be a good balance between allowing people their own choices and protecting the interests of everyone, most especially the donor-concieved children. With all of the research that now exists about how important it is for people to have the option of finding out about their genetic/biological heritage, from both DC and adopted people alike, it amazes me that any countries still allow entirely anonymous donation with no contact option at adulthood. When I considered egg donation, I was very set on having it be an open donation. I know this option isn't for everyone. I found it interesting that you mentioned not wanting to know the donor or diblings because you wouldn't want to see the shared traits that Rupert may have, because I actually think that's one of the cool things about knowing other people who may share genetic material with you but aren't family. It also reinforces that there is no single right way to manage these issues. Anyone involved has an obligation to keep the best interests of the DC child at the forefront of all choices, because they are the main ones who will deal with the ramifications of donor conception but also the only ones who don't have a voice.
It's not strictly a donor sperm related question, more DC in general, but I would be interested to hear what you think on the topic of a child knowing that they were donor concieved. Obviously this is less of an issue for same-sex parents because simple biological facts make it clear that any children you have did not come into your family in the 'traditional' way. I know several heterosexual couples, including a family member, who have used donor sperm or eggs and have no intention of telling the child this and it makes me really uncomfortable. You can never give a child accurate information about themselves and their heritage, both social/cultural and genetic, if you conceal this fact from them. These days especially, where there is a high chance someone uses a service like ancestry and discovers the truth independently, it seems like a huge breach of trust that would be hard to overcome. Still, I do think it is important to respect someone's right to make their own choice even if you disagree with it.
Thankyou for your openness as always and your willingness to use your own experience to help educate others. ❤
Rupert is such a sweet kid, not surprising considering the wonderful mummy and fantastic mama that he has.
I truly enjoy your videos. I want to write something more alluring and descriptive yet all I can think is I am so happy that you make videos. You are lovely and you have taught me so much over the years. Thank you.
I live in Uruguay, and I have a 6 month old baby conceived with sperm donor as a single mom.
In here, there's only one sperm bank and not only the donor is anonymus but you also don't get to see their photos or characteristics. You basically fill a form and indicates which phenotypes characteristics you would like, and then the genetist choses the donor based on that. In my case, since I did the process by myself, they told me to fill it with the same phenotype as me.
The child conceived can get to ask for the donor's name when he turns 18, with a judge petition.
And sperm costs USD 275 aprox
Apologies if this is TOO personal of a question, but how would you guys feel if Rupert wanted to reach out to his donor?
My husband and I aren't planning to have children, but if we did I think we'd seriously consider a donor because of his mental health and his terrible family history. He's actually getting screened for BRCA mutations soon to find out whether or not he was lucky enough to skip that particular genetic inheritance
Yea, I can see why your husband would want that.
I hope it turns out well!
Hi! I'm (hopefully) donating my eggs in 3-6 months. The process is in progress. I'm really struggling with not smoking and I could really do with them all of the time. I'm in a lot of horrible situations atm. But! Donating is so lovely!!! So worth it!!! X
I love the idea of diblings and are in contact (via a facebook group) with several families who used our donor. To me, it's part of using a donor and my kid can decide how she feels about them later but she has a right to know that they exist and who they are.
So grateful for these videos! You guys are the best 🎉
Thank you for a fantastic video - a close couple to me are going through this and it's great to learn more to be able to support them or divert questions if/when I can.
I don't think you generally need everyone there when you register the birth of a baby, but I have heard it's a good idea 😂
My dad went to register me without my mum (I can't remember being told if I also went or not), and I believe the story goes he forgot the middle name my mum had chosen for me, so my middle name is now my mum's name. She's told me several times how she wanted me to be "Heidi Louise". Ultimately, I'm glad my dad went alone!
For me, family is about a certain relationship you have, not a generic linkage, I'm genetically related to people who I don't consider family, and equally I could consider someone family regardless of whether I'm genetically related
That said, being aware of shared genetics is important if later you wish to have children genetically related to you, you want to be able to avoid the other genetic contributor sharing a close genetic linkage to you.
Ahh love you guys!! 💓
Great video! I felt the same way of feeling like I wouldn't be able to separate my child from others if someone (other than husband) gave us a NAME for the baby. WE had to come up with the name. I understand that feeling ❤.
I think I'll adopt if I ever end up settling down with a nesting group. That said, I think the idea of giving a child a "kitronim" (ie: youth name) with the expectation that they can change it to something that fits them whenever they feel ready to do that. Ie: I think the symbolism of a child/young adult picking a name for themselves as they start to discover who they want to be. I changed mine when I transitioned and more than anything I just want to make it clear that any gift (name, clothes, games, etc) can be returned if they're not a good fit.
@@solsystem1342 I agree with you 💯. They can do with their birth name as they wish when they mature.
Awww this is so lovely ❤ I love seeing your love together and how totally you make a complete family.
I also wanted to say, I know from friends whove been adopted, at a certain point in adulthood, it has been really helpful for them to know where they come from, and meet extended family members. Most of them havnt stayed in touch more than an occasional letter or phone chat, after an initial visit, but its helped feeling that there is love and goodwill there, and maybe a feeling of ease, just knowing that yes, my ears are like that because so were my relatives etc etc, and this isnt to say it replaces the actual living family at all.. I think it sounds more like how I feel about my 2nd or 3rd cousins.. kind of distant but important to know theyre there in the background.
I know for me, when I came out, one of the most incredibly painful things for me was realising i wouldnt get that experiene of making. a fusion baby with my loved one. Its a very real grief, and i think its unethical that the science community has withheld the technology that is available to make that possible. I think you have every right as a gay couple to select a donor as close to a match as possible and thats not just shallow aesthetics, thats truely making a decision to be a close family because you can. But yes, more than anything, its the little daily things like the way you listen to each other, empathise, mirror each others facial expressions, play together, support each other and just love itself, which builds a family.
There are so many kids with living relatives who never experience that pure family care, and endure so so much harm instead. Youve got nothing to worry about, i know you know already but its worth saying, gay families are real families. Anything less is just homophobia.
Rupert is so lucky to have you guys ❤
And we are lucky you share a little window into your lives, thanks for being yourselves with us online too 💕
I know its tender, but good luck with the next one too ❤
Very informative video, my wife and I are expecting our baby October. Definitely covered a lot of information we figured out ourselves along the way. I can imagine this being hugely beneficial to people prior to their journey!
Sending both of you love and strength while you manage you and your childs life with everyones best intentions in mind. 😊❤❤
Not sure if you've answered this before, but have you ever had to tell Rupert he has a donor, not a father? Was it difficult to explain, or is that more of a conversation you're planning for the future?
I can’t speak for them but I can answer for myself. The accepted practice these days is talk about it early and often, to establish it is not a secret or taboo topic, then take your cues from the child. Some want to talk about it, others completely ignore it. I’ve been ready baby books about it since the day he was born. Some kids do ask “why don’t I have a dad?” because they see their friends in mother/father families, but it helps to find out why they’re asking a dad specifically and then explain how different types of families work. So “I want a dad so they can play football with me.” “Well mummies can play football with you too! Some people have two mums, or a mum and a dad, or just a dad. Everyone is different!” and that usually answers the root of the question
I personally don't even want to have kids but it is very interesting to me to learn about the options that do exist for anyone who does want to become a parent. 😊 Thanks for sharing!
You are marvelous parents. I think your family will grow quickly and unexpectedly however it happens!
My wife had ICSI in Germany and the costs were covered completely by the medical insurance. I think that's fair
This is such an informative video, thanks for posting!
I always feel like I learn something from the videos from you two, keep it up! Thank you for answering questions that are very hard to ask 😅
This is so important !!! Thank you soooooo much for this❤
Great video! Sending good karma to you both for a successful round 2 ✨
14:13 I have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia, and sooo often people’s assumption is that Standard Chinese Owned Gene Test would answer the question of “which type?”. I am 45. My mom and I were diagnosed when I was 21. Her dad was posthumously (he was in his late 80s. Had been a paraplegic for a few decades. This is in the “identical twins have had different paths and we can only gesture at the epigenome for why” family and no specialist has asked their severity. In fact one reported he’d met another patient, and heard “if you were doing rounds for (partner’s name) at (hospital) in (month) for a stroke patient (…absolutely unrelated…) my father mentioned you (my reflexes are turned to 11 from this diagnosis and I know many don’t drive after a horn or siren nearly startled them into oncoming traffic. I wear cut resistant gloves while cooking because Dad walking into the kitchen as I cook has narrowly avoided disaster at least 4x a year for 2 decades)
We know that we have a dominant gene type. Would be a coin flip. Deeply happy the aunt whose kids have kids won that lottery.
But we do not know which type is eroding the longest nerves in the body (and only them) cause ‘Murica.
My father isn’t my biological parent and I’ve never had the desire to know him and people ask me why… he didn’t want anything to do with the process and I’m good with that lol I agree with Jessica, family doesn’t need to be biological
Hello Jessica and Claudia,
I appreciate you sharing your story and the journey you've undertaken to create your family. However, I must express concern that your video primarily frames the narrative around the desires and experiences of the parents, with little emphasis on the potential challenges and complex feelings your child might face as a donor-conceived individual.
Your discussion focuses heavily on the process of selecting a donor and the technicalities of conception, which, while important, sidesteps significant issues commonly faced by donor-conceived people. These include identity struggles, feelings of loss regarding their biological origins, and potential future challenges in connecting with biological relatives or the donor. The perspective presented is largely parent-centric, neglecting the critical need for a more child-focused approach that considers the lifelong implications for the child born from donor conception.
Moreover, the casual tone when discussing the selection of donor traits and the dismissive attitude towards genetics might be perceived as reducing a deeply personal and often emotional part of a person's life to mere consumer choice. This can be particularly troubling from the perspective of donor-conceived individuals, who may struggle with feelings of commodification.
It's crucial to acknowledge and address these potential hardships and the reality that donor-conceived children often grow up with unique emotional and psychological needs that need understanding and support not just from their family but also from society at large.
I urge you to consider these aspects more deeply and to engage with the voices of donor-conceived individuals to provide a more balanced and comprehensive view of what donor conception really entails for all parties involved.
Thank you for opening up this conversation, and I hope future discussions can be more inclusive of the child's perspective.
i really appreciated how you've phrased this and 100% agree
Fully agree as someone conceived via sperm donor
thank you for this comment, as a donor conceived person myself I fully agree!
seeing these types of things from different viewpoints are really interesting. Thanks for sharing!
Loved your video and how you both explain your story and the facts around donor conception ! Your story is very like ours in so many ways. Would love more opportunities to talk about this!
Ever since I started seeing "your donor conceived person of tiktok" I've been thinking about Rupert (well, not by name, I don't remember his name) and if your fertility clinic is better than the horror stories she talks about, but it seems that UK regulations are much better than the US lack of regulations.
Same here!
Well if you use a donor from an international sperm bank you still have the same issues. Because other countries will also use the same donor and not have restrictions
They used an US American sperm bank for at least one of the donors if I remember correctly from their video when they conceived Rupert. So yeah, still not great even with the UK having slightly more regulations.
The UK is slightly better but it only recently changed. I was conceived via sperm donor in the 90s and it was awful back then.
What are the horror stories?
I remember the pregnancy announcement video. That was sure a journey, definitely a 2 hankie. No spoilers, but definitely crying and laughing. I adored it.
8:20 I feel like they should be compensated!
Great video! 😊 I agree that Rupert is just like both of you in several ways. ❤️
Very interesting. Thank you for informing us, and sharing your own story.
Did so many people in this comment section not watch the video? The nr of times that they say Rupert will have access to x information and that when he turns 18 he has the option to contact the donor if the donor wants. Also they have been very clear in other videos too that they’re not going to lie to Rupert (which, idk how you guys think that’s entirely possible? How’d a lesbian couple even be able to lie about how he came into the world?)
I understand having a difference of perspective or opinion but chastising them for something they have literally addressed / that can’t happen is absurd.
i think people are more criticizing their attitude toward rupert potentially connecting to bio relatives which will necessarily impact how they talk to him about being donor conceived and shape his sense of identity and family. also as they mentioned they still could seek out donor siblings during his childhood but seem to think this would make him feel unwanted or disrupt their desire for a "closed family." i think these are entirely valid criticisms whether you agree or not.
I’m curious how you feel (as people who’ve gone through the egg collection process) about egg donors being paid?
Because it seems a much more intense and painful process and like many young women I’ve had ads asking me to do it. But for that level of pain I really would want to be paid.
I love that you hide Rupert’s face!
My partner is a trans man, so if/when we have children together donor sperm will be involved. I think we might use his brother as a known donor (if he's willing), but who knows what the future holds.
This was such a good video thank you for it
This was very informative ❤ a lot we have learned already, and some things are different because we live in the USA but it's good to hear other's experience
The DAY we went for our first midwife appointment, my husband casually mentioned that twins ran in his family! 😲
Would have been good to have that disclosed before sex!
I'm queer and do research on donor conception. How do you all feel about the emerging research that donor concieved children (as adults) often want connection to diblings? What would you do as rupert ages if he wants to meet his diblings?
Donor-conceived person here. Can you please just call them siblings? Many, many, many DCP do not like that made up word. It's language made up by the fertility industry to dimish sibling relationships. It's othering.
So my biological father is not on my birth certificate, and I have not had any contact with him since he left when I was 2. When I was younger I used to confuse ppl cause they would ask who/where my dad was and I would say 'I don't have a dad'. Because from my perspective, I don't. I just have my mum :-)
My exact experience. And it's ok. There is no Hollywood drama where you see long for father figure.
It's just us this way and it's the norm for you.
The only downside for single parent is the tiredness and often lack of budget. But if they have good support system it means nothing.
I love the nose jokes through out this video especially Jessica's reaction at 19:52 😂
If I was created by donor sperms I would want to know the other people that used the same donor is so I didn't wind up dating a genetic half sibling.
I've always wanted to be a mom and be pregnant, but the fertility industry scares me a little. The lack of regulation and massive sibling pods, and the potential for not being able to get updated medical information of conditions that could be life altering/ending for that child. Like if the donor dies of heart failure because of something genetic, will that automatically be part of the history? Often it's not, not to mention all the *lost* paperwork, and serial donors who donate in different countries especially in Europe, since there are no international data base etc. this is not me trying to scare anyone or say that donor conception is bad, I think it's a great thing, I want to do it, but I do think that it is heavily underregulated in almost every country on earth. And that there is very little information about what is in the best interest of the child when it comes to donor siblings, avoid accidental incest (especially if the child isn't even told they are donor conceived, which was the norm not that many years ago and still is prevalent today) etc.
there is a woman called Laura on TikTok who speak a lot about donor conceived rights and health and risks, so if you're a potential future parent by donor like me, or want to donate, I heavily suggest you check her out. She is mostly US based, but a lot of the information she talks about is universally applicable.
I would assume they'd test for cystic fibrosis, whether the donor be a carrier or have it. My nephew has cystic fibrosis, and no one in my family ever knew anyone was carriers. So whenever I want to have kids I have, well I want too, to get screened for CF. There's so many things that you'd never think of
Have you joined the Donor Conception Network, they are a charity for families with donor conceived children and have really helpful books and talks
15:17 i made the same sound as Claudia when I found out that I - the person that went through pregnancy and childbirth - was regulated as the second parent. I may have cursed out loud when I saw the birth certificate. What is interesting, in California it only says First Parent and Second Parent automatically. No need to cross of gender. But they still put the one who gave birth second.
Don't know how other states in the US do it. We all function a bit differently.
Do recipient parents in the UK receive updated medical history throughout the donor conceived child’s life? If a donor learned later in life that they had an inheritable condition would they be able to contact the recipient parents and pass that information along?
Also, at least being aware of the identities of donor siblings is important when the children get older and begin dating… but that can definitely wait until they are much older and can understand
Not if they used a UK donor from my understanding but they may get that info if the bank is elsewhere. The donor concieved person can access updates at 18 if they choose from what I can tell😢
My husband and I are dark brunettes but our biological son is strawberry blonde and we were both blonde as children 🤷🏻♀️
My husband also registered him without me or the baby 😅
Just wondering when Rupert turns 18 can he find out if he has any half bio siblings from his sperm donor? You guys are awesome moms
I just love how Rupert came out so much like both of them. God was like Jessica you love this baby, I'll handle the rest in him turning out like you, just you wait. Even though he's genetically Claudia's seems personality is mostly Jessica. I think it's beautiful, just shows how much nurture and true freedom of love impacts who we become. Hope your family is blessed and maybe one day Claude might get to have a baby that'll dig a hole beside hers in the yard lol. Wishing you both really all the happiness even in unexpected ways❤.