Things I Wish I'd Known About Sex MUCH SOONER
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- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
- Most of what I know about sex has come through lived experience or actively learning it as an adult and so there are MANY things I wish I’d known about sex and relationships earlier. I asked my Instagram followers what they wish they’d learned earlier too and let’s go through it all together, from pleasure to unlearning sex myths and finding out about weaponised incompetence 🤯 If you have any you’d like to add, leave them in the comments! I’m really curious to hear what you have to say.
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CHAPTERS
00:00 - Intro
02:19 - Pleasure & orgasms
07:41 - Sex
17:07 - Reproduction & health
22:08 - Relationships
28:05 - Outro
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“Being good in bed” is really about being present, responsive and embodied in a sexual experience with another person. It is never about acting out some pre-determined script for “good sex.”
This. This is really everything.
One of my favorites during PIV sex is changing positions DURING the act - it's not good in itself, but it breaks things up, and make you find new positions for both you and your partner. (Listen to their noises and breathing as you move, stay for a bit if you find something delightful.)
I've also found that laughing at yourself (at some silly little mistake you make) something that helps in relaxing the situation and lessen any performance anxiety that either of might have.
Bingo!!..
I'm sure glad I learned this at a fairly young age....As most of my friends were convinced the only thing that mattered was how long a man can last during penetration. ...No Foreplay skills, no manipulation skills, and no concept of the emotional component of being a good, patient lover.
I'm still actively learning about how the effects of my neurodivergence and mental illness impact my ability to be present in my exploration of romantic relationships. Dating has always been a horribly stressful, overstimulating, anxious nightmare for me, and I still feel a lot of shame whenever I hear people/mainstream media associate it with being a carefree, exciting, fun experience. I wish I'd known earlier that it was okay to be intentional about planning dates that will minimize stressors and maximize my chances of being present. I also want more romance stories about people who are sensitive to touch, don't like hanging out in loud, crowded spaces, and who spend most of their dates having a full-blown obsessive-compulsive meltdown about whether or not they're really in love/attracted to the person sitting across from them!
Yeah, I got my ADD diagnosis at 32yo, and it helped me a lot to preempt and manage my own reactions to mishaps and misunderstandings to focus on the actual sequence of events and analyse my own perception and be much more detailed and nuanced in communicating my emotions while owning them without reflexively lashing out in a presumption of beeing attacked.
are you me? am i you? this sounds like my dating life/what i wish for dating
You are me too! 😵💫 why do people think of such awful things for dates! What’s wrong with something quiet and chilled out. It’s impossible to concentrate on the other person if the world is trying to intrude at the same time. No wonder I’m still single. Dates suck, and it’s nothing to do with the other person!
That last bit. XD Also phonecall phobia I was probably in my _20s_ , potentially late 20s, before I got semi comfortable calling my _direct family_ and 99.9% of the time that's because I'm shopping and just going 'so are there any last minute items you want me to get/what's the milk up to?' or I'm checking the dog is in before I open the gate to drive the car in.
And yet my best coworker friend's go to way of asking me on a date was to ring me... granted they had no idea I had phonecall phobia because we always chatted at work or that I had sort of been happily going along without attaching labels to my sexual and romantic identity (back then I didn't even know a romantic identity was a thing or much about sexual identities beyond the very broad strokes) cue me having like an identity crisis on multiple fronts because 'I Suddenly Need Words For All This!!!!’
To be fair I stopped caring about said Words and labels, and learning the actual proper definition of certain things, after the hyper fixation/identity crisis started wearing off but they were useful to help figure things out initially, and also sit down and have a discussion with lots of hands flailing with my friend after work cue friendzoned awkward period before getting our groove back as friends.
Oh my god, my health teacher only told us that "some people" had vaginal discharge and that it could be an indication of a problem. 🤦🏻♀️No one, not even my obgyn told me how discharge indicates different stages in the menstrual cycle and was totally normal. I finally learned in my late 20s while researching fertility tracking. I was terrified for years that something was horribly wrong.
actually discharge can be quite intense for teenage girls when the hormones start influencing them. My sister talked to the Obgyn of her daughters. She was a little worried because the color was brownish (and she saw it when doing laundry). So some blood included. But the doctor told her this is within the range of normal, even though not every woman (teenage girl) experiences that.
That we might not enjoy doing everything that we are "expected" to enjoy. That we are ALLOWED to dislike things, then say, "no more of that, thank you." These are things I would tell my younger self.
I don’t think I could remain in a relationship like that.
Thanks for explaining this term! "Weaponised incompetence" explains what my father has been doing for decades. It's maddening but my mum still does everything for him.
There's something that I heard on another person's reel was that just because people with vulvas have had sex for the first time and 'therefore no longer a virgin' does not mean the subsequent immediate encounters can be rushed. There needs to be enough time and foreplay to allow the person to get to where they have to get
I wish I'd realised earlier that most teenagers AREN'T regularly having sex. I distinctly remember the feeling of missing out, wondering how many of my classmates were getting laid, believing that I would have failed to live a quintessential experience if I didn't lose my virginity during college.
When I turned 17, I thought _"What was the point of the turning-16 milestone, if I didn't put myself out there?"_ Film and television (and of course, porn) over-emphasise the significance of romances and the prevalence of sex at that age, in a very _"all the cool kids are doing it"_ way.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there's quality content like yours. I'm now 23, and I've watched lots of your videos in the years since school. If I ever get into a relationship, I'm confident that I'd be good at it, because of what I've learned here.
I’m a lesbian so my experiences are probably really different from the majority. My high school was focused on preventing pregnancy and STIs but they didn’t teach us anything about queer sex. I didn’t do anything sexual or romantic until last year when I was 20. I had to learn everything from the internet and experience. I had unrealistic expectations that we would instantly know what to do because we’re both women and the trope that lesbian sex should go on for hours. I don’t actually like doing it for hours because of my sensory issues and people’s bodies are completely different even if you have the same parts. I also wish I knew that it’s normal to get emotional after sex. I thought I was crazy because I cry sometimes or just get very overwhelming feelings but that’s common
Ok so to be fair until this day I am still not sure about how to basically practice safer sex with another women cause it just seems like there are not many options other than getting tested and only using hands or keeping one persons panties on 😅
@@JustLIkerapunzel there’s not a lot of options. Some people use dental dams or lorals latex underwear for oral sex but they can be hard to find. I’ve used one before to help with sensory issues and you can still feel everything. I’m monogamous and get tested regularly so I’m not really concerned about STIs
Give up your sinful lifestyle or abstain from unnatural sex and go to church and love GOD and yourself.
18:10 @@JustLIkerapunzel
The "men only want one thing" assumption caused some big stress in a relationship when, as a young dude with some conflicting feelings and apprehension about physical inimacy in a new relationship, a partner had certain expectations of me and made some incorrect inferences about my interest in them when I didn't meet them. We got through that particular phase, but I think echos of that assumption still contributed to the relationship failing years later.
wish i knew that women don't consider themselves in a relationship the person is not having SEX with them or very actively trying to have SEX with them.
And if woman gives into SEX a man must have SEX or the woman will conclude she was NOT in a relationship
@@tdwebste Or... you can talk about it. I'm a woman and I've had non sexual relationships. We just talked about it.
Oh my god the discharge-memory unlocked. I remember being in middle school, and I hadn’t got my period yet, and I started having light cramping and felt wet. I went to the bathroom and was very confused by it being discharge, which I’d never had before. Honestly thought maybe I had an albino period or something, lol. Got my actual period a few weeks later, and I now think that was probably ovulation. But I wish someone had told me about discharge!
I just learned the term "albino period" and I can't unlearn that.
The biggest thing for me has been learning that just because my body is different does not mean it is undesirable.
I have an ostomy and am trans masculine. I have no reason to be ashamed of or hide any of my scars. This channel has been very helpful in learning that. Thank you for being open about your ostomy proud of who you are.
As someone who did discover masturbation early on - it changes a lot. I have been very choosy about partners and about what the experience feels and looks like. I have an illness and if a partner hurts me too many times during foreplay or just can't communicate what they want, I know my pleasure and good experience is important enough for them to be shown the door. I have literally told partners: "I know what I want, and unless you can explain what you want, no one is getting any." The downside is, having known my own body and pleasure for so long, if I don't orgasm, I WILL finish the job. Many of my partners have actually been grey-asexual, and I have made this clear early on - most of them have been cool with it.
Love this! Good on you!
Definitely the playfulness of sex, in broad terms, has been a really good discovery for me. And the leading up to a hookup/sex session and the cuddles or other activities after.
Oh-my-god, I've been talking about weaponised incompetence for years and i didn't even know the term for it!!!!! I'm so glad I am not the only one who realised this!
I didn't know there was a term for it either, but I've been angry about this stuff for years.
One easy advice I have for everyone: Talk ffs. About your feelings, about your worries, about your needs, problems etc. And talk in bed as well. Communication is more important than anything else and it can immediately improve your relations by like 150%.
Also I'm lucky that I was a curious teen with quite a good access to the internet so I could google anything I was curious about. Sex ed was an absolute joke tbh and I've never had any type of a talk with my parents about sex besides don't become a parent by accident. Curiosity is a powerful tool...
I wish I were joking, but many people don't understand feelings in general. As in if in this moment you are happy do you know why? Even if not completely, you can analyse your own reactions and understand yourself. If later you aren't happy: you can look back on when you "were happy" and revel in that feeling (and maybe gain insights on why you were happy) but if you were happy before but now you are not you must analyse your sadness as well. Some people go to psychologists and psychiatrists [not a problem if it helps you; but just going alone means nothing] to get help, such would help even a person who does look at their feelings in an analytical way (how much is the question i.e. if you do analyze your feelings and are open to discussing them a 2nd or 3rd view can help, but depending on how much you know of yourself and the views of the 'expert' they may talk down at you or you may know more of yourself than they do and only benefit a small percentage of the time). And that is just how it is for one person, if you talk of relationships, especially romantic it gets more complex..
Primary school teacher here. I also had no education in school related to the variety of period products on offer, but am so pleased that now a lot of primary schools (and hopefully secondary schools too, I'm guessing) introduce a huge range of period products to pupils during 'sex ed' (the puberty talks in y5 and 6). It's great that it's not just pads and that they get to see reusable products too!
This makes me realise that the sex ed I got in the 90s was really good. So many of the things people didn't know were definitely covered, including Mooncups (which weren't even that common then). I'm not sure we wanted to hear our biology teacher tell us we'd likely "drip" after PIV sex but I think I'd rather have been warned than freak out when it happened
I am 67 and never even heard about mooncups
Aftercare! I always felt awful when sex would just finish and there was no intimacy, I need a cuddle and a debrief and that’s great!
Before I knew I was likely ace and figured out that I was more into fantasies on my own than with others, I dove pretty far into research into bdsm. I fell like it taught me a lot about relationships and what a healthy relationship should look like in theory. Consent, communication, a focus on compatibility as a whole, etc. I spent a long time frustrated with the lack of structure in the heteronormative dating scene, that these things aren't considered or valued past a few common phrases.
I only found out that you’re meant to pee after sex from a fan fic! Pretty sure I was like 19 or 20 at that point too! No one mentioned that in any sex ed class I had
Well I literally learned it just now so. XD But yeah fic has taught me _so much_ about tons of things in and out of the bedroom.
Granted there is also those moments when you get into 'sex realism' mindset... and then the next fic you read has them doing something Not Realistic and you're desperately trying to get the Fantasy Mindset back so you can stop mentally cringing and looking through your fingers. XD
Oh my god, the emotional damage - I am pretty sure I have learnt way more of this sort of thing from fiction than sex-ed at this point.
Tbh, I found that many fanfics actually include some very helpful information. Like OLIVE AND COCONUT OIL ERODE LATEX! Thank you, Jeeves and Wooster smut fic
I wish I knew how IMPORTANT it is to "FOLLOW your FEELINGS as they occur" & to completely focus on the present. Having sex in your body vs your mind is two different things
I actually had a conversation with a high school sex ed teacher about fertility, and she said that they don't go into the deeper implications of the stages of the menstrual cycle with teens because most teenagers don't have regular cycles and it's more important to teach the implication that you can get pregnant at any point as a general rule because it reinforces the importance of reliable birth control methods. And while I agree with that because I know teenagers, the importance of harm reduction (and there is truth to lack of cycle regularity during the first 2-5+ years of cycling) it does leave you to do a LOT of personal research if your body doesn't magically pop out a baby 9 months after getting off hormonal birth control. It just seems like it could be more comprehensive and less fear based, like most sex ed.
(And I'm a lesbian who is deeply afraid of pregnancy and birth to the point of tokophobia, so if I feel this way you know most people in the world, heterosexuals particularly, would truly benefit from the knowledge).
Teens know about menstrual cycles though. It's like hiding a bottle of alcohol in your house and thinking your kids won't find it. The sex ed teacher is a bit naive imo.
@@pompommania Agreed, anyone could know with a quick google, but that's generally the harm reduction perspective to amplify the risks and make them abundantly clear. They do the same thing with STIs. The new thing when I was young to scare kids was that "sperm can survive in the vagina for up to a week so if you ovulate at any point during that time you *could* get pregnant" factoid that they'd just done studies on in the mid 2000s.
@@PixieLovesItAllI was taught this in high school and I was there from 2016-2020
@@PixieLovesItAll Um... that's true. Generally speaking, the sperm hang out in the cervical crypts until ovulation occurs. They can wait for up to 5 days.
That's literally how emergency contraception works: suppress ovulation AFTER sex.
Essentially this means that a woman can be fertile for up to a week of her cycle.
I don't see why this should be presented as scary though.
The discharge is a big one. 11/12 y/o me was terrified and thought there was something wrong, but didnt have an adult i was comfortable asking. I wonder how many other kids went through that, and it makes me angry they didnt even mention it in sex ed
Learning about proper consent & boundaries + Encouragement in regards to it being fun/enjoyable for both parties. A lot sooner. They had a talk about this at high school right before graduation... This should be taught much much sooner and focused on more. I believe it would reduce the amount of sex*al ass@lt and harrasment.
Hurts to hear how many (especially women and marginalized genders), have had negative experiences were their boundaries were not respected. And they don't even realize that's what happened until much later.
I never learned about pleasure in high school. They just said “no means no” and to not pressure people to have sex. Nothing about enthusiastic consent
I wish I learned about sexuality in school - finding out I’m bi younger would have made things less confusing and stressful! I also wish I knew sex doesn’t have to be PIV, and that my pleasure was important. I also had no idea AFAB people could masturbate for a LONG TIME.
same. growing up in the 70s/80s, I'd try to find out if my sexual fantasies about women were "normal," and all the books/magazines I'd sneak from the library or while babysitting were emphatic that I was 100% straight. While it is true that hyper-sexualization of women from the male POV was rampant and can lead to associations of stimuli, that fantasies may not reflect what you want in real life, and that people who identify as straight can have thoughts about other genders...it can also be true that bi/pansexuality exists.
I wish I had known sooner that just because I was in a relationship with someone, even my husband, I don’t owe them sex and I don’t have to engage if I don’t want to
It’s sad how common this is from women like women have been having sex because they’ve been raised to think that their pleasure and boundaries and consent means nothing so they just give their bodies up to men. There’s not one women who hasn’t said they had sex when they didn’t want to.
I taught the "basics" of sex to a class of 16 year olds a few years ago. It included everything from speaking. Delivering the first kiss. Looking and understand concent. The importance of protection. How to read and understand her body language. How to seduce him. Literally everything you would need to know to get a good start. The students where very excited about it. However, the teachers and school did not like what i am. As a BDSM Master they labeled me as "mysogonistic" and now the "sex education" have reverted to the tranditional non-existant "standard".
I learned about discharge in school as in "this will start happening up to 2 years before you start your period". So I thought it would stop when I would get my period. It obviously didn't. I thought something was wrong with me but also didn't dare ask anyone 🤦♀
I agree conflict resolution should be taught in schools
And of course better sex ed
Taxes and similar stuff should be taught in school too
I found this really interesting. My father destroyed my teenage interest in sex when I was 13 and beginning to notice and appreciate the girls around me. His description of sex itself was so awful I couldn't imagine doing anything that horrible to any girl including the ones I didn't like.
There was no sex education in the schools then, what a difference an accurate and useful education would have played in my life.
I was 34 when I actually had sex for the first time and she complained because I didn't satisfy her. According to her "Men automatically know how to please a woman." That was not anything I was prepared to face!
Nevertheless, I have concentrated on being the best friend, partner, and lover my lady could ever want. My experience has been that every woman is different from every other woman out there and learning about her, her desires, her body, and her experience, has been enormously satisfying. I am 82 now and still learning about the marvelous ladies who grace my life. Yes, there are several in a wide range of ages, one has impressed me so much that I would marry her yesterday if it were possible.
Wow , Martin : thanks for sharing. I haven't had sex is almost 10 years . I'm hoping to gain the courage to pursue a boyfriend n go all the way 😮. I'm hear doing research for myself .
Learning how my disability interacts with sex, although it changed my sex life it made me a better communicator. It also brought me in my partner back to basics, we started focusing on gentle touch, connection and intimacy. I’m so grateful for this new kind of sex I’ve gotten to explore.
Thank You so much Hannah! This is why sex ed in public schools is so important! I've learned more about sex from watching your channel and of course living than I ever did from my parents or educators. I recommend your channel to everyone who wants to learn more. For me as an adolescent, sex was scary because in the 1980's, there was this mysterious disease called AIDS killing people, gay and straight alike. So it kind of put the damper on my promiscuity, not entirely, but to a degree. The other thing I am completely in the dark about, isn't just the physical act, but about forming, developing, and maintaining relationships!
I really wish I knew that a burning feeling during PiV sex is NOT NORMAL, there was a period of time where I would just power through bc I believed this uncomfortable feeling was normal for people with vulvas :')
This was so healing 😂
- I wish I knew earlier that I had 3 holes?!
- that painful sex wouldn’t just be the first time (the narrative that once you break the hymen, you’ll be able to handle rough) (I say this as someone who still experiences painful sex as my vaginal canal is quite short)
- I wish I critiqued the media sooner with its romanticisation of inappropriate relationships for young women. I thought it was normal to want to fk a teacher bc of all the tv shows, but now I am a teacher 🤢🤢🤢
Uh yeah the second one limited which positions I can use. I can't do doggy because of this. The point is, it shouldn't be painful and women shouldn't agree on painful penetration to please the partner. I heard for men with especially long penises there's some form of sex toy they can put on to limit how deep they penetrate to prevent harming the receiver. If changing position isn't enough.
Hannah I so appreciate how articulate you are in discussing these topics!
TIL I've been watching your channel videos for over a decade! You're a super positive influence on sex education, Hannah! Learning is a lifelong journey and who's to say the same cannot be said about learning about sex and sexuality?
So relatable! I feel less alone/stupid hearing you talk about all these things you didn’t know! Thank you x
I am now 18 , my sex ed is basically exclusively from Hanna and the internet and not from school or anything
You are good at the education side but also fun at the same time. Makes these conversations way easier to get through as it can get messy if done the wrong way. Also love,”practice parctice practice”!!!!!!
love this video! your content has been absolute gold for years ❤
I think weaponized incompetence isn't as common as people make it out to be. You need to correct for people who are unwilling to accept that there's more than one way to fold laundry (for example). And that in any combination of two people, one of those people is going to have a stricter threshold of when it "needs" to be done and what constitutes "done" than the other.
That thinking about sex a lot as a teenager is normal for girls not just a 'boy thing'!
Have you ever made a video about the concept of limerence? I just remembered it when you spoke about your expectations about relationships in your twenties. I sometimes think my first relationship when i was 19 was very limerent from my side. But i learned about it not until i was over 30.
This would be great information to bring to light. I wish I had learnt about limerence years ago, I'd be much better off mentally
It's awful .
Learning about ways the hymen can look and differences in them. I only got to surgery bc I found out from the Internet what was going on with my hymen and why using tampons hurt or got stuck. No warning from health class
I learnt things from this video, sex education is so lacking and I spent years thinking I am broken
My mother when i was a teen always told me to track my ovulation and thats it and i didnt know why. I learnt about it after my twenties, like what is the ovulation Window, where it ends and start and that after the ovulation is finished, you cant get pregnant. That was important information. I read a lot of women online that in a long term relationship dont have prptected sex (bc it happens its a thing) and they are scared bc they dont track ovulation so they dont know in which phase they are in.
what a cool concept for the video👏🏽
There is a lot I can say about this subject. You always do a great job on your videos. It is a shame that young people aren't taught about their bodies and the rights that they have. Thank you for doing this work.
Would love an explainer video on aftercare!
I loved this video Hannah, thank you
random but i love the editing in this video (especially in the reproduction & health sections)
Well done!!!! I'm lucky that when i met my now husband, we liked each other and spent time together before falling madly into bed. We learn about each other, made out like mad so when the time came we had a relationship to build on. He told me he wasn't a love them and leave them type. It was true. Thank for your content!
I didn't know that the first day of bleeding was the first day of the cycle, I thought the last day of bleeding was the end of the cycle until I was in my mid 20's.
It's okay, your here now .
As a person now working in pharmacies, I try my ass off to give a bit more helpful information when talking to patients about contraceptives, thrush or UTIs just because there's so many things that we just don't get told
Growing up with Twilight made extremely difficult to navigate my expectations around what relationships should look like. Thankfully, I grew out of it before dating (:
So true! I thought the relationship I was in from 2011 to almost five years later was “romantic” and “correct” bc I saw how similar it was to the Bella/Edward relationship in Twilight. I thought abuse was to be expected, largely because of that book+movie franchise.
Hannah: "I'm sad I don't sound Northern anymore."
Also Hannah: "Uuuuuhhhhhliah in my life" 😆
Thank you for making this kind of content.
When I started getting discharge I literally thought that I was doing something wrong to make it happen like I was touching the area too much or something. I only started getting proper information about it because of videos like yours and the wonderful MDJ videos.
I took my younger sister to her "maturation program" which is like the 5th grade period assembly pre sex ed. I payed her money to ask what a yeast infection is. She didnt absorb the answer. I wish that it had been emphasized, heres a range of normal cycles, heres a normal range of discomfort, here are some reasons for pain or itching or burning, heres some different pads and etc.
But mostly, heres someone who will answer your questions clearly and easily, or heres an anonymous way to ask if youre nervous.
My sis has me to ask ( and listen to complain about my woes whether she likes or not) but even though my mom was open, i didnt know what might be worth asking about in terms of pain or new sensations.
I find it very interesting to examine how the experience I had growing up differed tremendously from so many people. I went to school in what to my knowledge is a fairly standard publicly funded school in Ontario in the 90s (or 'state' school I guess? not the way 'public school' is meant in the UK certainly). Our local public health office did fairly regular presentations to classes at my school throughout elementary school until grade 8. Lot's were things about hygiene and general safety for things like vision and hearing. About grade 5-6 they would have the puberty presentation. It wasn't a boys in one room girls in another class. It was everyone in class as normal and information about male and female bodies was given (this *was* the 90s. I think there might have been a mention at some point that intersex was a thing, but definitely in the context of it as a pathology rather than a natural state of being.)
In high school, there was a health component to our PE class, although it had a fairly broad remit. We had presentations on contraception, but we also spent a fair bit of time on nutrition and anti-drugs information. I do remember a presentation about breast cancer and how to do a self exam that had a fake boob that got passed around and we were supposed to find the lump. I really don't know how effective it actually was beyond awareness. The model didn't feel anything like mine, and I worried I had all kinds of lumps... however in our regular science classes we did cover human anatomy. Looking at diagrams of what the underlying structures are like went a long way to easing my worry.
We also covered the ovulation cycle in science class. I do remember being told that 28 days was average and subject to variation, but I think the window on that variation was kept pretty small. Certainly smaller than the true spectrum of human experience. But we did learn about hormones and how a follicle develops and the basics of how an embryo forms. I'm thinking this was in either grade 10 science (which was mandatory for graduation) or grade 11 biology (which was not).
On the whole, and in comparison to a lot of people's education, mine was pretty good. It did emphasize the risks of STDs and pregnancy, but it wasn't abstinence based. We learned how the pill actually worked and were shown how to put on a condom. In that regard, they did pretty okay. I do remember being told at at least one of the presentations in high school, 'If you aren't ready to talk about wearing condoms with the person you want to be having sex with, you shouldn't be having sex with them.' I don't know that anyone actually listened to this, but the attempt to promote conversation was there at least. The overwhelming cultural narrative of 'sex just happens, go with it' was a lot to battle against.
Things that weren't talked about? How to actually have a conversation about sex with a partner... we were told we *should* talk about it an not just let it happen in the heat of the moment, but there was no guidance on what that might even look like. Discovering Want/Will/Won't lists in my 30s was a revelation and something I really wish had been part of our discussions on relationships and communication.
Non-cis/het sex in general. We were quite aware of things like HIV/AIDS, and learned how it was spread, but it was still portrayed as a disease you got from gay sex and dirty needles.
There's plenty of things about how to have 'good' sex that I might have wished I had known, but I really don't think were/are in the remit of regular school education. I get that it's not a school's intention to give a 'how to' guide. And parents would have been up in arms if it had been perceived that was what was happening.
If there is anything I'd change about the education I got, I'd say it would be more about menstrual issues. 'Cramps are normal' felt like they were saying 'all cramps are normal'. They are not. Being incapacitated by the pain of menstrual cramps for days at a time is not normal, but a 13 year old doesn't know that. We still have a long way to go with that.
I would really love to see a video from you about imperforate, microperforate, etc. hymens. I have been unable to have sex my whole life up until I found out a few months ago that I had a microperforate hymen. I had never heard about it anywhere and I felt so broken. The gyno told me it's one of the most common issues women come to her with, so would be really beneficial for it to become a more well known thing
Great video I found it really interesting Thanks
Question! About 20:18 : I have a ileostomy and a Urostomy, so I can't "pee out" afterwards, but I still have my bladder and urethra... What do I do?
Also I wish there had been ANYTHING about pms/pmdd. I was diagnosed with many different things until I discovered that my worst mental break downs where kinda cyclical - like my menstrual cycle. I’ve always been taught that your mood might get kinda bad when you’re ON your period - which is not the case for me. I actually feel a lot better as soon as I start bleeding but I’m going through hell for a week or two BEFORE I get my period. There were 10 years of doubting myself and thinking I had many different mental illnesses and personality disorders until I finally understand what is going on with my body and what I can do to not get into a really really dark place every month.
Loved this one
Hearing about the peeing after sex comment is super interesting to me! I was never "taught" to do it by anyone, or learnt about it anywhere, I just always got an overwhelming feeling after sex to go pee! Strange how for some people things need to be learnt, while for others it is an automatic function!
We tried for about 2.5 years for our daughter. I have PCOS and eventually got pregnant using the ovusens. Got pregnant on the first try using it the device for our second pregnancy! Hope this helps somebody....
I am 64 yrs old and knew pretty much all this anyway. Having said that, This was an excellent video.
Hey Hannah! Wondering what you think about the idea of “Virginity is a Patriarchal construct” from the perspective of those to whom their own personal chosen abstinence is valuable. Is there a way to validate one’s own sexual liberation while still validating others’ choices to abstain? It feels like that’s a lot of baggage to put on those who make that choice for personal and spiritual reasons - much like telling a contented Stay at Home Mom that her role is antiquated and regressive. Thoughts? ❤
To me, sexual liberation is about being able to make the choice to be as sexual as you want - even if that means having zero sex. If it’s empowering or important to you to not have sex, that’s great! Likewise, if you want to be a stay-at-home-mom and that makes you happy, that doesn’t make you less of a feminist! Unless you’re trying to force it on others, it’s all good. 🧡
I think there's also a difference between abstinence and this pressure to "physically" be a virgin- which is really harmful for a bunch of reasons. Abstinence can be an important personal choice while acknowledging that the concept of viginity has a lot of baggage.
Random but, I really appreciate the grammatically-correct title of this video!! Getting sick of the "Things I wish I knew when..." phrasing everywhere 😅
I wish I figured out much sooner that spontaneity isn't a necessary feature of good sex. Sex is like sports... maybe several sports. Nobody ever said you shouldn't study football and practice things so you get better at them. But when I was a young person, I had an unreasonable and unreasoning prejudice about sex that led me to the hair brained conclusion that a good lover just sort of happens. Nothing could be further from the truth. My internal prejudice prevented me from learning and getting better at things. I did a lot more experimentation and I tried a lot of things on the theory that if I added this or did that, my less than stellar performance would be fixed. Doesn't work like that either. Analyze what happens to you and your partner. Some things work better, do those. Some things don't work for you, leave them behind - and DO NOT use any kind of pornography as a guide or road map. Sex is complicated. It is physical and emotional and there is context and subtext.
If you decided one Winter to try downhill skiing, you'd start small and get lessons, if you could. You'd practice and learn ways to get down tot he bottom of the slope without a ride in an ambulance. Sex ought to be like that, but almost never is - we're all supposed to be self taught and we can make some disastrous mistakes. But remember, if you do something an it is great or you do something and it is awful - this does not mean that X is always going to be great or that Y will always be awful. Sometimes it is just the who you were with or what else was going on in your life. I feel very sorry for people who decide the course of their entire sex life based on one experience... I had sex with a man and therefore that is it, I am gay... or I have been gay, but now I had sex with a woman and I liked it, so I must not be hetero. People change and you are people.
i personally believe virginity is more of a title. Similar to being a "newbie" in a game, you just dont really know what you're doing. it takes time but after you first have sex and you "lose" your virginity, you'll have some experience as to what is going on and what to do. you dont seem like you are completely clueless.
Video idea there about you learning about conflict resolution!! 100% would watch 🤓
I wish I knew that condoms can also be used as lube and better safe than sorry because when I refused to use a condom, it hurt and I was in a near miss position of getting my partner pregnant and I am still shaken by that bombshell realisation 7 years later. Also, yes, I also agree on your point Hannah about sex being playful. I am almost 24 years old and seem to perceive sex as a playful moment between 2 consenting adults but feel ashamed of perceiving sex as playful, due to being an adult. This episode reminds me of The Pleasure Trove series that got stopped ages ago
All around vulva health! What are the signs of bv and yeast infections. How to prevent and treat them!
Hannah there a lot wish I learnt at school I got into my first proper relationship at 21! But school didn’t teach us what out there as in terms of contraception all we got told about was the pill and all thanks to you Hannah I grit my teeth and got the coil 6 week ago, I was never taught about that in school. When I had my first sexual experience school didn’t even tell me you can bleed when you pop the Hyman “Cherry” and I was pretty shocked. So with things like that I always speak to mum about but schools should really knuckle down on the sex education system! All we learnt was periods, body parts, the pill we wasn’t even told about the smear test either and the other swabs you have done to make sure your healthy. I can literally rant about sex education right now. And I agree with periods I didn’t start mine till I was 17 so I was a late bloomer but how can they say it happens every 28 days, mines very irregular x
Shower sex in the movies is so hyped! It’s not fun guys 😂 you could die.
I find shower sex impossible and unsafe 😅
I'm a man and I'm usually completely schocked and/or confused about the thoughts that women had, before they started to have sex.
They often don't have the slightest *personal* interest in doing so and most of the time it's "only" social interactions or stupid stereotypes, that spur those ideas. No curiosity, no lust, no wish for pregnancy! Just social pressure 😕
I'm worried about my daughter, but I don't want to become a helicopter parent 😵💫... I just can't understand how social pressure can get you to this point, because I never felt such pressure (I have a form ASD, btw) and *all* of the reasons I heard before are SO STUPID from my pov 😰
I think you have misunderstood the video - no one is saying women dont have a sex drive and only have sex because of social pressure. Maybe let your daughter work out what she wants when she wants it as maybe your difficulties in understanding wont be helpful to her. Maybe try getting a comprehensive sex ed book and leave it arou d for her in case she wants to find out more or suggest she might like to watch Hannahs channel.
@@janwilson9485 I didn't interpret the video like this. What I described were just things that many women told me and what I saw for myself very often.
Don't worry. I'll let her figure things out in her own pace. Pressure never works with teenagers, anyway 😅
This is a very good video.
Mine made it in!! Yaaaaaay
Hannah this was a brilliant video. On a different topic and maybe for a different UA-camr? I wish I had been taught about perimenopause/menopause alongside lessons on puberty. As in, this is what will happen to your body throughout your life/there is an end to periods etc. Whilst I certainly knew about menopause(generally speaking), I didn't know about perimenopause. Once I hit my early 40's I started experiencing hot flashes/night sweats, weight gain, intense emotional pms, oh and joy of joys a return of acne 😂.I would have really appreciated knowing the journey of fertility/peri/menopause BEFORE I got here! If you want to do a video on that I and I'm sure others would appreciate it!
*Totally separate topic suggestion but I have heard/read that hormonal birth control can change who you are physically attracted to. I find that fascinating, don't know if it's worth a video but thought I'd mention it :-)
as a 19 year old virgin, i can confirm that this is all true
The chance that randomly timed sex results in pregnancy may only be 3%, but sex is often not randomly timed. During ovulation women have a higher libido and they're more attractive.
There is also thr 'sods law' approach to getting pregnant - it happens quicker if you dont want to be pregnant but your contraception breaks down and even worse you can be trying to get pregnant for ages with your regular partner to no avail, but slip up once with another man and odds on you'll get pregnant. I think I remember some research on birds who supposedly pair bond for the season. They found the females would occassionally stray and appeared to have a far higher fertility rate with their 'bit on the side'. Its apparently adventageous that females utilise genetic diversity in their young.
@@janwilson9485 Damn, even the birds are cheating liars.
I was taught the if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant. 15 year old me was like once it isn't gonna happen. Forward a couple months, and I was pregnant after losing my virginity to my at the time boyfriend. Knowing what I know about fertility now I am shocked it happened
I kinda want to experiment with other people but I'm in a relationship I love being in and don't want to lose my partner. I'm not sure how to approach this. Especially since I really love my partner but I feel inadequate because of my lack of sexual experience. But at the same time I'm also very shy n demisexual so yeahhhh
Sounds like the Swedish sex-ed/reproductive biology classes was a lot more detailed in the late 1990ies than your Brittish ones, because, ours in 7th grade was both a collaborative cross dicipline class between biology, history and religion subject teachers and the school nurse, the biology part of it took it all the way into basic genetics, with recessive and dominant genes as well as cellular replication🤔
Also, for me and my spouse, the most common after-care, is me getting us each a large glass of water or cup of tea and some snacks, be it candy, sandwitches, or leftover takeout food 😊
Welp, today I learned the term "weaponised incompetence". I mainly know it from professional settings tho lol.
I wish I knew about Poly/ENM when I was younger
I don’t know what to think about “I’ve married my best friend” because I’ve never think about my husband as a friend… I mean obviously I love spending time with him and sharing interests… But I don’t manage to think about him as a friend, dunno😅
I think as someone You a have massive friendship or good chemistry
Or simple a Best friend You also find atractive
That was cool! I've been a subscriber for years but this is the first time one of my responses to your polls on Insta has been featured in one of your videos! 😄
Yes, D currently stands for Discipline but it originaly stood for Debasement. They are not the same so maybe there should be two Ds.
Interesting, for me that part of reproduction and health was coverd interely by biology at high school, so most of you said I already knew becouse of it
Reusables, speaking of I wish donation drives would be more reusable friendly or just show them as an Option. I remember hunting through a period donation website once being like 'cool I'll totally put down some cash/drop off some period stuff I bought but would you accept reusables? Because expecting me Not to want to give a reusable period item instead of spending money on some disposables that'll _maybe_ last a month before they are back to needing another donation does not gel with me at all.' It basically stalled me on the online site and then my regular shop was doing a drop off point which had disposables for sale near it.. not cool, but they had been starting to stock lots of period underwear and a few cups which also had a great special going so I was just like, 'my moment has _finally_ come! \o/ ’ Granted reusables need to be slightly more customised but hopefully they can figure that out... I tried to aim for both hasn't given birth people and post-pregnancy people by going for different cups sizes so hopefully they can figure out who needs what etc.
I learned about masturbation by reading about it in Kinsey's "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female".
Top 3 things I wish I’d learned:
1. The role of oxytocin and dopamine in sex for females and males
2. That one of the possible side effects of hormonal birth control is decreased libido
3. That sex drive can increase greatly in your 40s. Maybe it’s not being on birth control anymore or it’s my age, but being this horny all the time and getting laid an average of 3 times monthly is deleterious to me coping with everyday life.
I love to hear all these young kids learning about things as they get older. The realization that you don't know everything when you're 19.... (let alone, 17, 16, 15,... ). Just imagine, you will learn _even more_ by the time you're 30, 40,… Dare I say?....
"Competitive people" Love to compare, keep track of (body count, d!ck rating), checkbox-" goal oriented" lists of "best practices" (Bucket list)... etc. And the Internet makes it so easy to share your amazing life!!... And WHY do people not know more about sex? Religion (Pope + Spanish inquisition). Next question....
Well Hannah, as an old man who has had his fair share of experiences on the good side as well as on the bad side, I just have to comment on this.
Basically I would have so much to say about it, it would become a book, but nobody would read that, so let me see how short I can make it, if the short version leaves questions open, feel free to ask, I'll just pick the two main points for now.
First and foremost, if you would have wanted to know more about sex and sexuality earlier, you're facing two obstacles that you seem not to realize.
For one there's religion and for two there authoritarian patronizing and these two work hand in hand.
Religion is the ultimate dictatorship, where an unquestionable authority dictates what people can and cannot do and in a society that was up to just two generations ago pretty close to 100% religious this has become a way of life.
Liberal politics doesn't even exist (except for Switzerland), authoritarian politics mandates some things and forbids other things without providing reasons, especially in things where the reasons aren't obvious.
Many parents do the same thing with their children, authoritarian patronizing without explanations, simply because that's faster and easier for parents who have to work and make money all day.
It's a known fact that children who get patronized a lot never learn thinking on their own and become later in life successless low wage earners, while children who are from earliest childhood on (and I literally mean before they can speak or walk) permanently encouraged to experiment around while one of the parents is watching but not interfering become the successfull smart managers who come up with new ideas for making the world a better place.
Don't show or tell your kids how to do things, give them an idea of what there is to explore, let them figure it out on their own and you'll have the smartest kids in history and above all, assure them they can ask you anything and you will do your very best to answer all their questions without ever cutting an answer short through authoritarian behavior and without keeping any secrets.
Don't forbid your kids anything, rather explain to them to the largest possible extent why you think something would be bad idea, simply because understanding the reasons means there's no temptation of trying things in secret and you not liking it if they did something is not a valid reason.
So the very first thing you have to do if you want more people to learn more about sex and sexuality earlier in life is completely get rid of religion, in your family as well as among all your friends.
The choice is as easy as that, either you accept religious people in your life, or you can have liberal freedom, both together cannot exist.
Right after that you have to learn what liberal freedom looks like, how to request it for yourself and how to give it to others, especially your own children, because even after you got rid of religion, you still have all the other autoritarian patronizing going on everywhere in life.
For a simple example, if you yourself had been encouraged by your parents to be curious about everything and experiment around as much as possible, without a religion in the way that teaches masturbation shall be a sin, you would have discovered masturbation a whole lot earlier and naturally on your own, without anyone having to explain it to you.
Next point, if in a relationship one partner would like to experiment with something that is off limits for the other, you got the wrong partner, you're simply not compatible.
It's a cheating waiting to happen, because the wish of the one who wants to experiment doesn't go away by the other denying it, just the opposite, the longer the denial lasts, the bigger the wish gets and at some point it's just a matter of opportunity where a cheating only doesn't happen if there never is an opportunity.
Same thing if one partner wants it more or longer or with more variety than the other, wrong partner, not compatible.
Same thing if one partner often doesn't reach an orgasm, wrong partner, not compatible.
Doesn't mean you should do things you don't like, but means you shouldn't be together with that partner, because you cannot work out a compromise or change either ones preferences, that's just not how sexuality works.
I would say the majority of all people chooses their partner for other reasons, like their money or their personality or knowing them as a friend for a long time or many other things (believe it or not but one of the most common reasons to be with someone is because there is no better option available at that time and an incompatible one is still better than no one), where sexual compatibility becomes a minor side factor to evaluate and the result is that about 75% of all marriages get divorced, where cheating is the by far most common reason.
Believe me, if you want a healthy long term relationship, sexual compatibility has to be the primary factor to consider and that literally means both partners want it same often, same long, in the same variety and get to an orgasm same often, while there is nothing either of them wants to try that the other doesn't like.
I found twice in my life a woman I was sexually perfectly compatible with and while the first time I was too young and probably too dumb to understand what a rare treasure that is, the second one I married (after living together for 5 years) and we've been happily together for 25 years by now.
Of course there are still several other factors to consider, sex isn't everything, it's just the most important factor because it's the only thing in a relationship where you cannot change who you are and what you like.
I really didn't think about sex until I got into my first relationship at age 23. And then, suddenly, there was this flood of thoughts and feelings about my understanding of my body, my opinions on sex, and just the incredible amount of things I wanted to research and learn about. I had always felt dirty when watching porn or masturbating, like "someone" was watching and judging me. I also realized how much we emphasize young boys being aroused and how to deal with it but lack educating girls. Thinking about some really early memorizes, I finally understood that there were times when I was turned on but just didn't know what I was feeling, for example, while watching a sexy movie scene. Because I felt so behind in my knowledge of my body and the male body, I wanted to learn so much. I bought a vibrator (now wish I'd had one for so much longer) so I could see what my body could do in terms of pleasure. And I started listening to sex podcasts like Sex With Emily, which helped me feel less prudish, less naive, and normalized so many of the things I was experiencing. My partner has been so understanding and has been with me to explore, teach me that even he has things to learn in regards to sex, and has listened to my observations and concerns as we go along.
I started getting vaginal discharge when I either 9 or 10. I didn’t know what it was, and neither did my mom. So I thought of now silly, then logical explanations for it. It wasn’t until sex ed at age 11 did I know. And then, it was only when I asked “How do you know when you’ve begun puberty?”
Had I known earlier, I definitely would’ve been more open to wearing a bra when mom said I should, instead of thinking that I hadn’t begun puberty and had no need for bras until my nipples could be seen through my shirt.
Self-discovery doesn't just occur (or not occur) in your teens or twenties, it continues throughout life, and therefore, you should always be asking yourself, _"What is it that I'm unaware of NOW that I could be aware of now, or that I'll soon be aware of in the future?"_ Things such as breakups, and divorce, and aging, that COULD BE LEARNED when we're in our twenties and thirties often won't get learned until we're in our fifties or sixties, if ever! As I am now midway through my seventh decade, I'm surprised at how vital is what I just learned a few years ago is, and probably always has been, for my own well-being! How much dread and anguish and wasted effort could all have been avoided, if I had just asked someone older, someone wiser, and listened! - j q t -