To watch all my Swedish Death Cleaning Videos, head here! ua-cam.com/play/PLygBsukzpH651IUAdwB2Nkp3PELlgxxiK.html&si=vqAciLsLAST1nJ2V I've been amazed and slightly overwhelmed at the number of comments on this video so while I may not respond to every one, I AM reading them and please keep them coming as I feel like the stories you're sharing are so helpful for others and bring light to something we don't talk about enough. Thank you for being amazing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mom. I just started to watch your video from just this past Christmas when your mom was able to come to your house for a visit. You have done a beautiful job being there and taking care of her. Dementia is such a cruel disease - not just for the victim but for the family, too. You gave your mom sound, common sense advice when you talked to her about paring down her stuff, unfortunately, your mom was likely already having some cognitive issues and it was too confusing for her to even think about. They become adept at covering up their symptoms so you had no way of knowing that. Please be gentle with yourself. Again I am so sorry.
A great word for your huge epiphany is learning differentiation. At its core, it's us taking our anxiety, our desire to make someone do something (logical, rational, helpful to them and us) and stopping our rumination and our begging, and just accepting what is. And, you have such timely advice for what to do INSTEAD. Chefs kiss.
My dad died last year, 12 years after mum. Not long after she died he downsized his whole life, house, stuff, paperwork, social life, all of it. In the end, his days consisted of hanging out with his little dog and feeding his garden wildlife. We tried to make him spend his money on having a better life but in the end, he was living exactly the life he wanted. When he died it took us a day to sort his things. He had so little. The birds popped in the kitchen looking for him and his little dog pottered around being a little old dog. I can see now it was a life perfectly unburdened with clutter and inanimate objects. I aspire to be the same.
Ok, I’m 79 years old and I was glued to your video. I consider myself very organized BUT, my attic is bulging with beautiful precious Christmas Decorations, Easter bunnies, and cute Autumn and Halloween decor. I love all of it and enjoy decorating my home with it all BUT, I have to pay someone to cart it all down from the attic and haul it all back up again when the specific holiday is over. So I have decided to keep 5 things from each category and donate/give all the rest away! I feel better already!!!
Good for you! I'm 77 and a few years ago I gave away all my Christmas decorations except for one shopping bag of decorations for my smallish tree and two particularly pretty items for my mantle. I find that the living room looks so pretty with just those things that I've been decorating the tree and those two big items, on November 1st!
I sorted my Halloween down to one light-up Jack O'lantern and a big rubber rat to stand next to it. My Easter down to what can be stored in an Easter basket. I still have a ton of xmas, planning to sort it out this November, but I will definitely still have two or three boxes of those. Vintage, collected, sentimental. But organized.
I have a less charitable opinion about the people accusing her of being selfish. They are the types of people that stack stuff up in their homes, never go through their paperwork, don't have a will. They don't want to think about dying, face the idea that they won't be here anymore. And when it crosses their minds they think the stuff they leave to their kids is like a payment for dealing with it. I don't think that it is "selfish" to put off dealing with your affairs, but it is somewhat selfish to shame others that are pointing out that you're burdening your kids by refusing to take care of your own business.
Both my grandmothers died within 6 months of each other. One of them didn't have a spouse or children equipped to deal with her things, so I did it. The other grandmother's death process sent my parent into a depression and her things were so overwhelming it took their child over 3 years to go through whatever wasn't thrown into the dumpster. And as the eldest child I spent those 3 years helping my parent process both physically and emotionally. If anyone wants to complain about anything in the process of dying or losing a close relative I might throw hands. For everyone who has gone through the process I say, "Good job! I'm proud of you. You have gone through something incredibly difficult and emotional and come through on the other side. Your decisions were perfect. Thank you for the sacrifices you had to make!"
@kellyblaxton3189 I have been through this with my in-laws. My husband is an only child. His mum passed away in 2019, his dad in 2023. I do not want to burden my child with what I and especially my husband had to go through when they passed. I am in the process of 'death cleaning'. I have one adult child. I have told him that I am doing this.
My mom a year before passing, gave me all her jewelry, her photo album and her diary. At the time when she passed away, there was only small box consisted of her pjs, slippers and minimal clothing. She gave away all her shoes, coats, even table lamps, household items such as thermos, pots and pans et cetera. We didn’t spend any time decluttering her belongings. Thanks Mom.
My Dad is 72, and a hoarder. I mean, the fire inspector warned him about his apartment once (but never followed up), and my Dad panics whenever someone, like the landlord or a plumber, needs to enter his place. That's how bad it is. A few months ago, my Dad gave me a call and, out of the blue, told me he was considering getting burial insurance, and we started discussing his funeral arrangements, what I would need to do when he dies, etc. He's not sick or anything, but it was just on his mind. I told him he needs to start cleaning his apartment, throwing things out, giving things away, etc. I didn't call him a hoarder, but I hinted at it. And my Dad got so mad, yelling at me, "You're heartless! You think you know me??!! You don't know me! I like the way I live!" He felt really judged, and I've never talked to him again about it. My Dad has stuff in his apartment, like tools and electronics equipment, that is brand new, still sealed in their original boxes. He just keeps buying stuff, including books and magazines, piled all over the place, telling me he's going to read them one day and can't get himself to throw them out or give them away. He doesn't even use his refrigerator anymore, because there's stuff piled in front of it. He eats out instead. Anyway, God bless your Mom. It sounds like she was at peace with what inevitably we all must face. I don't think my Dad can face he's going to die, and I honestly don't know how to help him.
We went through the same thing last year and I wished someone would have told us this before hand. It was very difficult..thank you for putting it into words❤
I feel sorry for your mom for having to live her last months (years?) without shoes, table lamps, pots and pans, basically like a refugee in her own home, just so you dont have to feel overwhelmed by throwing out those items AFTER she passed. Maybe she like it that way, I hope... but I think it's a terrible idea to recommend this to everyone. It's like saying : get rid of your stuff, you are almost dead anyway, so make it easier for me please, you and your stuff doesn't really matter anyway. and yes, I've cleaned out several households, and I survived the ordeal, I actually enjoyed dealing with the little elements of finished lives as I sorted through the memories.
@@4kassis my mom was having vertigo when outside, there was no need of shoes and clothes. She had all the essentials, moreover giving away stuff she doesn’t need, but gladly accepted by others brought more joy to her. My mom never gave much meaning to the stuff, neither I am, when my time will come I will follow my mom’s footsteps.
@@thehighllama8101I am so sorry that he got so mad. Upon his passing all the things that are sealed and books would be easily sold on eBay or facebook marketplace . Not nice to think about but your reality.
My Dad was a hoarder... the entire lower level of my parents house is filled with crap that's piled up to the ceiling. It's been that way for 40 years. Eventually, water damage destroyed the drywall, the lights stopped working, and the carpet got rotted & moldy. He died a few months ago... Mom is 87 and has dementia. She will need to go in to a memory care facility, and I will have to sell her house. They had a lifetime to prepare for their old age, but refused to think about it. Instead, they made it my problem. And oh yeah, I live 1200 miles away - I can't just go running over there at night after work. I AM SO ANGRY WITH THEM for putting us all in this terrible situation. Thanks for letting me vent. This is a very important video that everyone needs to see. If you love your kids - don't do this to them.
@@yertletheturtle5843 ‘let it go’ or the bitterness will eat you from the inside out. It’s done now and and I’m sure you won’t leave a mess for your family. ❤️🩹
@nonawolf7495 I so understand! My parents also were hoarders. Their home became like the House of Usher. Everything fell apart. By the time they were evicted my dad put all their stuff into three LARGE storage units. I didn't force him to let me eliminate anything, but I pointed out that either he could let me get rid of the stuff now, or he could keep paying for all this stuff he hadn't seen in years, then I would get rid of it after he died. He agreed to let me eliminate the stuff. So I did. Junkluggers took FOUR TRUCKS of his "treasures." I wanted nothing (watching my mom and dad inspired me to minimize my life). There are companies like Junkluggers who recycle everything that can be recycled, and donate whatever they can. I'm saying this to sort of give you "permission" to let go of the stuff. It took me many many years to understand that my parents were mentally ill; like any illness it wasn't their fault. It was mostly from my dad, who grew up in extreme poverty during the Depression. He is now 92, and I can spend his remaining years with him without the burden of the STUFF (which ultimately just doesn't matter). Wherever your journey takes you and your family, just know you're not alone. 💜
Hopefully it's of some comfort to know you are not alone! We can do so much better for the next generation. I think part of it is that we are talking about the Baby Boomers - they kept, they hoarded, they thought it could be used again, it was a way of life. I think that hoarding is often an early sign of mental issues, don't you think? Anyway - I hope you are able to toss it all. I'm sure that is so expensive, I can't even imagine. She shouldn't be in a home with mold, so hopefully she can get moved soon.
After my mother died I, as the only daughter, took on the difficult job of house clearing. I had the garbage company bring a bin, I called all the grandchildren to come and choose things that would be memories of grandma, then I proceeded to go through each room. Separated things into 3 categories. Throw, donate, keep. Took me a month but was sure glad I spent the time. The experience has changed the way I live. I’m in a constant state of downsizing and regifting.
@@RuthellenHerzberg I'm an only child now as my 2 sisters passed, I looked after dad, then mum, while still working full time, dad had a short fight with cancer, mum had surgery on her heart, but died a year later. I bought a unit and renovated it completely with a large assisted shower, spent the best part of a year trying to talk mum into taking all she Needed there and living comfortably and making it easier on me to meet all the demands, that I was slowly Not coping with as my own health started to deteriorate.... but just as I had her to agree and we started to plan the move
@user-oc2mt8kf2j I'm an only child now as my 2 sisters passed, I looked after dad, then mum, while still working full time, dad had a short fight with cancer, mum had surgery on her heart, but died a year later. I bought a unit and renovated it completely with a large assisted shower, spent the best part of a year trying to talk mum into taking all she Needed there and living comfortably and making it easier on me to meet all the demands, that I was slowly Not coping with as my own health started to deteriorate.... but just as I had her to agree and we started to plan the move, she had a sudden massive heart attack and died. I only had 2 kids, told them to come and take whatever they wanted...there was very little they wanted, as they're very modern and mum was all antiques. It took me 2 months of work with my husband, going through everything, dump, donate, sell, give to other family.... hell of a lot of work!! And I realised a lot of the stuff I was holding onto only mattered to me, my kids won't care..so I have cleared out my own home heaps too now!
Me too. Mother was a child of the Great Depression. It tooks months going thru her possessions. After her estate sale, I downsized and became a minimalist. I downsized further and now I am an essentialist. I have beautuful useful essentials only.🎉
I am a believer. I'm 73 years old and I have been making a real effort to move my "collectibles" out of my home and into charity hands. I know my daughter and son do NOT want them and I am doing it for them. It was a little stressful when I first started because I was attached to the memories I had for the items I collected. However, as time went on I felt relief and a feeling of lightness over unburdening myself from "things". It's actually a spiritual experience.
@@patwo9719 well done 👍😁. I'm sure that your children will appreciate it. My mother in law just passed away. Both my husband and my sister in law live on different continents to my in law's. Her house was so full of stuff that you could not sit down without moving stuff off a surface. It's going to be a gigantic effort to clear out her apartment. I don't envy my husband. My parents unfortunately are not great, they have tons of unnecessary stuff that is not used, in fact they don't even know they have it!🤦 My sister also lives on another continent, so I will have to clean up their lives when they are gone. It's a huge burden on the family that is left behind 😞
Good on you, my mom now 80 is doing the same. Entire collections went to Goodwill and she told me that she felt she was passing on the feeling of finding a treasure, she is still very excited about that.
@patwo9719 oh good..I'm finally getting it through my head no one "wants" my possessions! What I think is wonderful and lively, is not what my kids think!! So, this gives me hope to really dig in and dig out.!!! It's hard. But I'm pushing through!!
My 15 year old granddaughter owed me $$$ and asked if she could work it off while I went to my part time hotel job. I am 76. She cleaned out the food storage room. It was hard for me to realize a lot of canned for was never going to be used. It was a great feeling for me, especially after the garbage truck emptied the can. What a hard experience for me, and what a great relief. Anyone want to borrow her? Before people criticize me, a lot of the food was old and expired.
No criticism! I think the two of you did a wonderful thing - good for both of you! ❤ She could earn money doing this for many people! I’d hire her! I’m debating hiring a professional organizer to help me go thru everything.
@@berthanadrossos9802 When I purged my houseboat to pack it up to move I realized how much food stuff I had and so much of it expired. No more. Those bottom cabinets with the pull out shelves will be used for small appliances so I can keep them off the counter. 👍
I won't criticize you, but most people need to be aware that "expired" food is fine. Even expired medications are usually fine. The US government had a study done on how long medications are good past their expiration date, because they stockpile large amounts (for the military or something) and didn't want to throw out huge amounts of medications unnecessarily. You can google it yourself with a few keywords (UA-cam doesn't allow links), but the findings were that virtually all the meds lost only a tiny amount of their effectiveness and were completely safe to use. Food is almost the same. Canned goods will last almost indefinitely. I mean, 20 years might make us uncomfortable, but try googling "how long do canned goods last" and the top result is an article by the USDA. If you're not going to eat it, and can't find creative ways to use it in a recipe or soup, I guess it's hard to figure out what to do because food pantries probably don't want outdated food. But at least let's not be ignorant! :) Anything past the "best by" or "use by" date doesn't immediately become poisonous. Those dates are chosen by manufacturers to ensure you eat their food at peak quality, whatever that means. You can open it, sniff it, and immediately know if you can use it. I love free food and will take almost anything someone is throwing out and find a way to use it. Maybe you have a friend like me?? I can't post the link, but here's the text of the short article from USDA. There's tons more info out there if you just look...and many are trying to get the word out, because we waste 40% of the food we produce in this country. That's horrifying, especially because hunger is a big problem, even in this country. Look for the website called Feeding America. Before You Toss Food, Wait. Check It Out! Posted by Marianne Gravely, Technical Information Specialist, Food Safety and Inspection Service in Health and Safety Jun 27, 2013 It’s happened to all of us: you’re looking for something in the freezer or pantry, and discover food that has been forgotten. Your first impulse is to throw it out, but wait! Is it still good? Chances are it is! Food poisoning bacteria does not grow in the freezer, so no matter how long a food is frozen, it is safe to eat. Foods that have been in the freezer for months (recommended freezer times chart) may be dry, or may not taste as good, but they will be safe to eat. So if you find a package of ground beef that has been in the freezer more than a few months, don’t throw it out. Use it to make chili or tacos. The seasonings and additional ingredients can make up for loss of flavor. What about the foods in your pantry? Most shelf-stable foods are safe indefinitely. In fact, canned goods will last for years, as long as the can itself is in good condition (no rust, dents, or swelling). Packaged foods (cereal, pasta, cookies) will be safe past the ‘best by’ date, although they may eventually become stale or develop an off flavor. You’ll know when you open the package if the food has lost quality. Many dates on foods refer to quality, not safety. See FSIS’ Shelf-Stable Food Safety fact sheet for more information. USDA is doing its part to help consumers keep food from going to waste. The Food Safety and Inspection Service is collaborating with the Food Marketing Institute and Cornell University to update the online Foodkeeper storage guide, which contains storage information on a wide variety of foods. We are also developing a mobile application for the Foodkeeper to provide consumers with another user-friendly option to access good searchable information on food storage, proper storage temperatures, food product dating, and expiration dates. Before you throw out food from your pantry or freezer, check it out. It may be just fine! This is just one example of how Federal employees are participating in the U.S. Food Waste Challenge, sponsored by USDA in collaboration with the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). The Challenge invites producer groups, processors, manufacturers, retailers, communities, and other government agencies to join us in our efforts to help reduce, recover, or recycle food waste in the United States.
Hopefully you are working cause you like it, not cause yoy have to. I am noticing more and more seniors everywhere, but most notably in the big home improvement stores.
I totally relate to what you are saying. My mother was a packrat, she saved everything. I used to plead with her not to leave all that stuff for me to clean out when she was gone. When she passed, my sister and I spent 2 years clearing out the house. We met there twice a week, once during the week and every Saturday. My sister had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and she still helped. I was available to do it only because I had lost my job after 30 years. In the end, we never got to the garage or the basement, which was packed floor to ceiling. We had to call a trash service that came in and took it all away. I know we lost some valuable things. I am still paying for a storage unit 7 years later that holds their furniture and boxes of papers that need to be sorted through. My sister has sadly passed away. The only consolation is that I got to spend that time with her in the house we grew up in on our joint project. It brought us closer.
@@lisaleidy344 We took what we wanted from my parent’s house and called an auction company. They put everything in lots (small groups), listed them online and had an online auction that lasted five days. Once the buyers picked up their purchases, we had an empty house except for one bed and a china cabinet which we gave away for free. And we made some money. But the main thing is, it was done and over relatively quickly. Hardest part was deciding what we wanted to keep beyond photos and mementos.
@@lisaleidy344 My SIL’s mother died suddenly and left behind mountains of stuff. Boxes upon boxes of her journals, photos, more Christmas stuff than Target, books, etc. My SIL, an only child, lived many hours away and is a teacher. She had little time to devote to a thorough clean out. After an estate sale for furniture, kitchenware, books, she called a junk removal service and almost all of it went into the trash. So sad. Her mother was an interesting and well-read woman so I’m sure her journals were fascinating as they spanned a 60+ year life journey.
This is such a raw & real video and I hope it speaks to so many people. I am SO grateful for my Mom who has been cleaning out cupboards & downsizing her possessions. She's watched too many friends children deal with this and said "I just can't do this to you & your sister". She is giving us SUCH a gift.
I am one of the few people commenting who had a mom who downsized to a very manageable amount (my dad died young). When she developed Alzheimer’s, my sister and I could give full attention to her care and spend quality time with her. Downsizing was one of those final gifts she gave us, and I plan to pay it forward with my children. This is a video I wish ALL retired parents could hear. Well said!
My mother did the same as well. My parents were always practical and did not ever store a lot of things. As we moved from home, they offered us our beds. toys, books, etc., yay or nay. My father passed, and mom sold household things at a yard sale, extra tables, chairs, dishes, decor, etc. She moved to senior living with the necessary pieces and mementoes. She had her finances all organized into two simple accounts. Everything was streamlined for us kids. She lived to 96 years of age.
I went through this with my moms estate, I did it alone, my brother too far away to help. I learned I was not going to burden my children with the same situation. I have been down sizing what is in my home for the last couple of years. I am happy to be able to take care of this myself. I like the advice to give special belongings to love ones before they end up lost or thrown away. No strings attached. Glad I watched your video.
@@albertthompson4381 me too. After my dad's passing, my mom was fine with clearing out almost everything and moving to a small ranch home. My sisters devote time to her care and I help with finances and business from out of town. She's doing very well at 90!
My mother had downsized from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment about 2 years before she died. It really helped my sister and myself clean out her belongings.
I love that you warn us not to waste time trying to convince loved ones to downsize the hording and clutter. What a brave and selfless thing it was for you to put your feelings out there so honestly and tenderly so that others do not have those same regrets. Your message was heard and embraced!!!
@@lindaa.9741 i kinda wish you would have led with you can’t change them comment. I can’t bear the clutter in my house. I keep Hearing I’ll go thru it next year when I have time - it’s been like that for decades. I guess I’ll go out To the garage.
One thing you can do, though, instead of trying to convince them to get rid of stuff if they won't, is to just sort everything into plastic boxes by category, label, and put it one room or the garage. That way the living areas can be cleaned properly so the person doesn't start suffering health issues from the dust, etc. Alot of clutter can make you sick or make worse already existing health issues. Some people actually eventually die from unhealthy living spaces. And if they are seniors, Adult Protective Services can actually investigate if they get wind of it. It can be considered neglect. Even a disabled person who lives in such conditions may need intervention.
Yes...I agree that I cannot convince my loved one to part with things so I won't....but for her safety, I'm helping her to see that piles should not be all over the floors or even on the flat surfaces because of it being a fire hazard ....safety issue.
When my mum died 2 years ago, the things I found that she’d kept, my first job name tag, my report card from school, a popped balloon from my son’s first birthday … I could go on, it broke my heart and it meant everything to me … it still burns my soul right now that she kept those things. I love her so much for keeping them.
I have some of those things too from my children- many of the drawings from kindergarten on, report cards, my children’s first tooth that they lost, Christmas ornaments that they made me from elementary school. Remembering all this made me cry. These items are valuable to me. I hope they will be valuable to them.
I've had to deal with 4 estates already. The worst is my hoarder mothers mess. We sold as much as we could to help pay her final expenses. It was imperative to search every book and box of paper, finding precious family history documents and pictures. My boys have already said that, with anything I leave behind, they will not Look, just chuck. So Warned 😊 ❤
I good way of still holding onto these memories is to take a picture and put into a photo album scrapbook with descriptions. This makes it more meaningful and something you can look at all the time.
@hollisjohnson3524 I don't disagree with your choice, but for me, a picture of a memento is cold. The memento is tangible and precious, or you would not have kept it. But it is most likely only precious to you. I propose another option. A tag on the object with a short comment. For example, on ticket stub: " great to see ZZ Top with Bob & Ruth - ate at Bob's Big Boy after the show." or on a dried corsage: Prom night '72 with Jimmy...your Dad!" And put these things in a sturdy box or even a wooden box labeled "Mementos." That way, your kids/Gradkids can see them and a bit of your life thru them. But also, like a photo album, you can revisit them from time to time before you pass. Perhaps even in assisted living during some time with your caregiver, if your children live far from you, it will bring you happy memories. Just not a huge trunk! 😄 Blessings
My brother just passed away a couple of weeks ago after a long illness. We knew he wasn't going to live to be an elderly man for many years. I kept trying to talk to him about settling his affairs, such as putting his home in a trust so his daughter would not have to go through probate. His daughter is mentally ill, so I have been worried about this for years. Whenever I would bring it up he would emotionally close down. He quit talking to me. I realized I had pushed too hard and I apologized to him. I never talked about settling his affairs again. Now that he is gone I am doing my best to help his daughter even though she lives quite a distance away. I had been worried about this because my mom did not settle her affairs, either. It has been a great motivation for me to think about what I am leaving behind me. I want my son to be unburdened by my passing. For people who've called you selfish, I think that is a projection on their part. I think it is selfish to refuse to deal with your mortality and leave burdens on loved ones.
On the other hand, my parents raised me and dealt with all the nonsense that comes with a kid. If clearing out their home will mean that I have to take two weeks off and be sore from filling a few dumpsters, then so be it. Especially my mother is a bit of a clutterer, but if stuffing HER house, which it will remain until she dies, makes her happy, who am I to judge? The problems of tomorrow can be solved tomorrow. The people who engage in all this death-cleaning business should become aware that they do it primarily for themselves. It feels good to have one's affairs in order, because that makes life better for themselves. I know that's why I do it.
@@Volkbrecht I don't know how old you are, but most of us lose our parents when we are north of 50. Perhaps you are very privileged. You can afford dumpsters. You are physically fit so cleaning out a house would be no issue for you. But not everyone has the health, the stamina, nor the resources to hire help. As for my situation, my son is disabled. I have to put a great deal of thought into what I am leaving behind me as a result of that. I am a bit stumped by this idea that we take care of our affairs because it feels good for us. Speaking for myself, I get very anxious when I think of my son alone dealing with my stuff. It does "feel better" to think that I won't be burdening him with loads of trash, as well as his grief. But that is only because I know from experience how hard it is to deal with an estate with few resources. I don't drive, for example. I was lucky. I had 2 years to figure out what to do with my mom's stuff. But not everyone gets that large of a time window.
I agree that it's a burden. I'm 52, and my mother is 83. Her house is so filled with furniture she didn't want from her father's sisters. So not only do I have to go through her things, but I have to go through all the things her childless aunts left her 40 years ago. I have arthritis in every joint and problems with my hands and shoulders, so I can't move furniture and boxes. I also can't afford to hire movers and trucks, or those junk removal people. I have no idea what I'm going to do and my mother won't start downsizing. She won't even let us talk to her about it and she's 83!
Two years ago my husband and I repainted our home. On this occasion, we threw away a lot of things. We donated over 100 books to a local school, gave children's games to children from friends. I also donated most of my clothes and shoes. At the end we were able to throw away the old big wardrobe in the living room and buy a new nice little chest of drawers. Now we have to clean up the documents, photos and my husband's old tools. We will do it in winter evenings. Our home is now neat, clean, airy. Our grown up children are excited too. The rooms in our home now feel bigger and smell nice because the old clutter is gone. I am happy that we both managed to switch things in our heads. Like your video 👍
@@flatteringkitchen Thank you for pointing out that it is a matter of changing your mindset about possessions. My husband and I are now 70, and we know our kids have their own stuff and need nothing else. We’ve already downsized by a lot, and are preparing to minimize again to the absolute necessities to go traveling full time while we can still enjoy it. We quite literally “can’t take it with us!” 😁
When Hubby and I decided to flee the cold for a warmer climate, we rented a dumpster. Even after selling or giving away as much as possible - we still filled up that dumpster! I feels great to be "lighter". When we die, our son won't inherit a burden.
My old high school got rid of its library and turned it into an events space. Ugh. Thrift stores are good. Practical, mindful, old souls go to thrift stores.
@@janefoust2785 yes it feels like giving up on life when you need to throw out treasured posessions - those who declutter say if you havent used it for a year then get rid .
Loving greetings from Sweden! Heartfelt thanks for sharing. Though we Swedes have the concept of death cleaning and in general huge respect for those who start what you call: winnowing (such a good word), most of us Swedes still struggle with the material stuff, much because we all have so much psychological stuff. About feelings and losing indepence and insecure economy and how to get by. Thank you for your sincere sharing. All the best wishes for spending some remaining quality time with your mom without any discussions anymore. in the last days Mom and I just sang the songs she remembered, looked at some photos, gave hugs and held hands. Material possessions was not on our minds anymore. My last concrete interaction with my mom was spoonfeeding her mild coffee with sugar and cream. She swallowed spoon after spoon. At the same occasion, I texted messages from her to all her grandskids - I'm not sure if she really remembered who was who, but she nodded consent, when I asked if we could write: "Nanna sends warm greetings that she loves you, (add name)" and variation on that theme. - Then the kids texted back, I read for her, and she understood that these were loving, true words from them to her. The idea with the texts was that they would be a last living farwell, in a way that messy demented telephone calls couldn't be. She receded into the "mild clouds of lost energy". Mom died a few days later, peacefully in her sleep. You have put, and still put your children first, a better legacy no Mom can pass on. It is very true and beautiful! From the core of your heart to the core of your mom's heart, the only eternal message is love. You've done your best about her stuff and mess, in her hearts of hearts she knows that, so trust it, and feel the love, the love that survives all.
Yes I like doing that, makes one feel good. Have you seen the Marie Kondo series? It's all about this and how to manage your stuff. She has helpful methods and philosophy, one of which I use. She says when you want to throw something out but find it difficult, "thank the item" aloud, for how it served you and then, let it go. I do that now and it helps me let it go.
My MIL died last month from dementia. Cleaning out her home has been gut wrenching. In the middle of our grief, we've felt so much guilt in throwing out, donating, or selling her possessions. We've had no separation from her since her death. It's made the grieving process so much harder. She kept a beautiful home. She loved to shop. There is SO MUCH STUFF! I've cried everyday since her passing. I will never do this to my kids.
My best friend of 30 years died in April from that too & other things. We did everything together & I helped take care of her in the last 3 years. I helped her go through things at her house.😢 I have been so lost without her. Everything I do reminds me of her. 😢💔Then her husband went in a home & died last Sunday. 😢💔Then my favorite Aunt died yesterday. I am reeling with grief.😢😢😢 So sorry for your loss. 😢💔🙏🏼🙏🏽🙏🏾 Grieving, though very hard, & heartbreaking, is an important part of life & can take years to get through the worst. "By sorrow of heart the countenance is made better." (keep on living & don't sink into a permanent depression) Better to get it out in the beginning than to bury it where it comes out later in ways you don't expect.❤❤❤
Around 20 minutes in... She's doing a good job keeping it together. I tell people to talk while you can. If they indicate that they think they may be "losing their mind" as my dear old mom put it, don't disregard. Talk about the past, talk about the family, ask questions while you can, because there'll be a point where there are no answers.
My father outlived my mother by several years, both were hoarders. All my life I dreaded the clean out of the family home, but realised quickly after trying to help him declutter that the task was going to be the same regardless of when it happened, and that he just couldnt do it, so we left it alone. It was indeed as dreadful as anticipated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for confirming it as the right thing to do. I really feel for you all.
Lived through that , we saw our parents decline and felt powerless. Our dad passed and mom couldn't live alone in the house. That is when we could clear all the stuff. They were rat packs, most of the stuff was moldy, dirty and broken. When we visited them, we rarely discussed the state of the mess. They were too far gone in strength to start the decluttering, pass a certain age, people are unable to do this task, start early and enjoy a simpler life.
@user-lt2yy1oc8n @@comfortouch "the task was going to be the same regardless of when it happened." I would go so far as to say it was probably easier to clear everything out without your father involved. His resistance and emotional attachment to the stuff probably would have resulted in hours and hours of coaxing and/or conflict. These sorts of tasks are honestly easier to be done by someone who doesn't have that emotional attachment/resistance. And I do say this as the daughter of 2 deceased parents who never threw anything out. Obviously, dealing with their things was not easier than not having to deal with their things. I just mean it was easier for me and my siblings to deal with than it would have been for my parents to deal with.
I’m 36 and I began living with this mindset eight years ago. I’ll never regret it either. I know what I have in every drawer, cabinet, basket, bin, and so on. I even know what’s in my garage. We use and enjoy all of the things we have. It gives me peace knowing there won’t be an immense burden for my family once I’m gone. My kids have never known any different either. They won’t grow up in a cluttered and chaotic home. There is a peace and calm in our home because there isn’t overconsumption oozing out from every corner. We’re not minimalists. We just chose to live simply.
I made an earlier comment, but moved to make this one after reading many stories here, lamenting the effort to sort through parents' things. I have gone through about 75% of mine. Then, the epiphany--the world will not end if everything is just plain thrown away. My immortality is in heaven with the Lord and in the memories of my loved ones, not in one, single, thing.
@@theresamc4578 for me, I just cannot stand waste. So, I am working hard to reduce to about 25% of what I originally had (besides consumables). I rehomed and will continue to rehome until I meet my goal.
I hear you. I am single child of hoarders, in early 40s. I was also fighting to change them. Now, feel lightened and clear. You decided to share your learning, with on going pain, just to make others life easy. God bless you. I wish lots of love, gratitude and hope to all.
So many need to hear this! My husband and I decided to downsize last year and moved from a 4500 sq ft home with basement storage to a 1400 sq ft apartment. It about killed me, but we got rid of all of our stuff. Our children were able to take what they wanted… furniture built by their grandfather, some dishes, outdoor tools, linens, etc. Each of them had a U-Haul truck full of items that they wanted. My niece and nephew took bedroom suites, televisions, etc. I sold a ton of stuff to friends and acquaintances on Facebook - designer bags, China, Christmas China, Cherry dining room suite, piano, etc. We donated the rest and still moved too much stuff to our new apartment where we spent another three months sorting and donating. We did this for our kids who live out of state and to free us up during these later years of our lives. We jokingly tell our kids that they “owe” us. They truly have no idea what we have done for them! I hope everyone listens to you and follows these steps.
1400 sq ft for 2 people is still too big in my opinion. How people accumulate that much stuff to fill 4500 sq ft of space is beyond me. Your children do not "owe" you because you cleaned up after yourselves...it was YOUR stuff...so YOU should deal with it! It is/was never their problem to deal with YOUR stuff. What the heck??? Maybe there's a reason they live out of state.
@@TheSwissChalet Did you not read that we “jokingly” say our kids owe us? We weren’t serious for goodness sake. They happily received like new sofas and loveseats, televisions, bedroom suits, handmade furniture, china, books, etc. We were happy to give it to them and our niece and nephew. We have been married almost 50 years and had stuff from both of our parent’s homes. It took a while to accumulate and we unloaded it all in 16 days. I can’t understand how you can be so negative and rude. I was simply supporting the idea of Swedish death cleaning FOR your children and loved ones. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
@@patsycathcart1 your original post demonstrated how much value you place on your “things”. In this post you continue to list all the material items…how great they were… “new” condition, “handmade”, etc. You accumulated it over 50 years, but never stopped one time to look and assess the amount of inventory you accumulated? Everyone has stuff, not just you. Your adult children have their own stuff, their own lives, and yes, their “stuff” is as good a quality as your stuff, although it appears by your descriptions that you are convinced your stuff is “the good stuff”. Listen, this UA-camr is trying to explain to everyone that no one wants the stuff of YOUR life. People have their OWN LIVES. Not everyone wants or values a full bedroom suit…that someone else picked out! Not everyone values China, multiple television sets (I don’t have a single television let alone multiple, because I DON’T WANT ONE). I’m over 50 and am embarrassed at how my parents and their cohorts prioritize material objects. Their McMansions and burgeoning basements are the “trophy” of their lives. They also fail to view their adult children as adults, who have their own lives. I do believe that is a generational phenomenon. The over-consumption is/was ridiculous. If you support death cleaning FOR someone, then why would it ever cross your mind that they “owe” you? You say you’re “joking”. But in your mind, you really think you did someone a favor. That is mind blowing.
@@TheSwissChalet You can just stop replying to my post as you are missing the point… and you are mean spirited. You don’t know what is in my mind. If my kids and friends da didn’t want it, we gave it away. No one was forced to take unwanted belongings. For some, obviously not you, it is a huge task to rid oneself of a lifetime of stuff and there is a sense of loss that you wouldn’t be able to understand. So, spare me your remarks and go find someone else to troll.
Such a powerful video. I was you 7 years ago with my parents, one of whom had Alzheimers and one who was physically declining quickly. Both resisted leaving their 'home' which had 50 years of accummulation. I am amazed at your wisdom at the comment about not arguing with them as they will not change. Make your peace (and plan ahead financially) so you can enjoy the days remaining when their minds are clear and their hearts are lightened by the presence of their children who seek only to share time. I didn't get it then. Many won't now. Because we think if we are right-fighting, we'll be able to convince them. But you nailed it: we can't change other people. THank you for honesty.
Oh gosh, this video really resonates with me. I lost my mum 5 months ago. She was full time carer for Dad who has Alzheimer's so he is now in a care home. I have been dealing with all this virtually single handed (my husband has been helping too), clearing their house, and sorting out their finances all the while spending as much time with Dad as I can. SMS means so much stuff. I'm getting there with the house clearing but because they had lovely things, and I want to keep everything, our own house is getting hugely cluttered. We don't have kids so not sure who will have it to sort out when we're gone.
@@fionahunt8530So sorry you have to deal with this. But are you sure you really want to keep everything? If what you really want to keep are the memories each item has for you, then I recommend you take a photo of the item, then sell or donate it so someone else can enjoy it and you can keep the memories while having your space back. Hard? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Best wishes to you. ❤
Thank you so much for this video. Your strength is overwhelming. We fear we too will be facing this with our remaining parents ( one parent for each of us). Your words have not fallen on deaf ears. Things are just things ultimately, but time is so precious and can’t be replaced. I’m taking your message to heart and will try to shift my priorities from here forward. Thank you Jen for this important lesson💝
The people who called you selfish, must never have cleaned up after their hoarder loved one died. My younger sister was an organized hoarder and her dying for me was nightmare enough, but having to go through her things and throw them away was so difficult; physically, emotionally and Spiritually. I have been death cleaning before the book even came out because I never want my kids to have to go through what I had to go through.
One problem is that so many people think hoarding only looks like what they see on the tv shows. They don’t understand that typical hoarding looks very different. When my mother passed, her house was organized to perfection- because she was highly skilled in organizing (and hiding her hoards). The house was beautiful. But there were QVC boxes that had remained un-opened for years (and I’m talking the postal brown boxes were not even opened!). My dad is the same: everything is folded neatly and closed away in cupboards, or bins, or trunks, or boxes and bags. But it’s still excessive. It just doesn’t look like “hoarding”.
@@YeshuaKingMessiah So she had, very early in her comment, made the point that the people who don’t get it, must never have had to go through it. And it has nothing to do with the cost of an item.
We’re 63 and downsizing from a large home to a small condo. I’m watching my husband despair over his and my father’s tools. I’m drinking wine, watching here, because I can’t face my kitchen items. This is sooooo timely.
Trust me- make a photo book!! Take pictures of the tools and kitchen items. You and hubby can pull it out and look at the photos when you feel lonely for those items- but trust me, I doubt you will look at it very often! Good luck on your new adventures!
I am 60 and I am still working on my house. I am adding doghouse dormers right now. Why does everyone want to downsize? I can't imagine being trapped in a tiny space as I age. I want the space to move around especially as I begin to spend more time at home.
My mom passed in March. She has Vascular Dementia. Before I realized this, I continually nagged her to address her things, take her meds, etc. I so regret not accepting or understanding what was happening. I could have spent this time just enjoying her company and asking her about her life. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you thank you thank you! Just what I needed. I am on the verge of turning 72. My mother died at 69, my sister at 74, my brother just passed at 79. All I have left is my niece and she went through this with her mother and father ( my brother). After hearing your story my birthday present to myself will be to lift this burden to my darling niece now. Let the purge begin! I just might enjoy the process. About your mom, tell her everything you want to say. Even if she doesn’t understand, just say it and move on. Enjoy the time you have with her. Tell her about the crazy lady in the Netherlands that wrote to you and cried the whole time. Bless you Jen. Thanks, Kris
Selfish--give me a break. I have been where you are. I spent time doing the cleaning and couldn't grieve. And my parents had downsized in advance. You have to put hands on every spoon, fork, knife--everything. Then wait until you come across something that was part of their lives, but nothing you want. It was the most challenging thing I have been through. All the kids and grandkids already had homes and furniture - they took one or two things that meant something to them and left the rest for a few of us to deal with. Kids grandkids, friends don't want your stuff! Everything you said in the video is so true. Best of luck to you.
💯 I found this out when we sold the family home and asked the kids to come take whatever they wanted. Their reply, “we don’t want anything; it’s not our style. Just the photo albums.” It was a huge wake-up call that the things we had collected over a lifetime were not important. ❤️
@@birdiebee2594 I did this last year. Took 7 months. I swear there wasn't one single thing in her house that i didn't touch. My mom is now in assisted living. After the estate sale, and then the "FREE" event, there was still a lot of stuff. Then I spent the next 5 months getting her house repaired, cleaned, and on the market. Took 5 months to sell. My mom was angry with me for "just throwing her things away" even tbough I'd begged her for years to go thru her things and make those decisions herself. I wasted a year, the most stressful year of my life. I'm now going through my own things--selling, donating, shredding, throwing away. My mom had dozens and dozens of years of bank statements, tax statements, greeting cards she'd received over the last 20 years. And now at Assisted Living, she is saving bank statements, financial monthly statements, greeting xards, cheap holiday things that her friend brings her.....I'll have to do this whole thing all over again when she dies. On a lesser scale, but still. I love the Swedish Death Cleaning process.
I will take my Mum's things and use them and treasure them and I've asked to have first refusal to buy the house if it goes up for sale. Remember many of us are being destroyed by divorce so inherited items may be more valuable after that fact. I found a comfort in the familiarity of my home town where I grew up and my mother's house and her things after losing the life I tried to build in my marriage. But I hope she will live many more years still. Just a different perspective.
My kids want nothing...my mom loved pewter and Americana and I followed in her steps...but my children have absolutely no interest...the stuff is worth something but not a fortune.
1. Get rid of all the trash. 2. Buy fewer quality items instead of a lot of cheaply made items (like handbags). Jen has decided to get rid of two things for every new thing she brings into her home. 3. Practice winnowing (separating good stuff from your junk). Document or label things you want to give to your loved ones. 4. Corral those things so its easy to locate those things. Consider giving those things to loved ones now rather than later. 5. You can't control or change others.
Number 4: by the time my mom decided to part with some of her cherished items and give them to me I was already in the stage of life where I was starting to get rid of stuff. That’s when I decided to give my children the option to have some of my things, if they wanted them, no pressure. I wanted them to have what they wanted, while they still had time to enjoy those items. I have told them when I’m gone not to feel obligated to keep things just because they were mine. The things my mom gave me I would have really enjoyed earlier in my life but by the time she gave them that time had passed.
I would add: have one notebook/etc. that your nearest relatives know about and can quickly find which has all information and instructions on how/where to find original items that will be needed if you are hospitalized, infirmed, or die. Update it yearly (quarterly). You may know where everything is, but they don't. They are likely to be upset and won't be able to remember what you said a few visits ago. They won't know what bills need to be paid when. They won't know who to call. They won't know your current medications. They won't remember that you changed doctors.
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I am a minimalist and my husband is not. He is 81; I’m 74. Occasionally I get on him to get rid of a shop and garage full of tools and plumbing and electrical parts, and other paraphernalia that he hasn’t seen for years, and suggest that he doesn’t subject his kids to having to deal with it when he’s gone. The reality is that these days our children don’t want our stuff.
Jen, I am SO glad I watched your video. I’m a 77 year old widow and live in the home that my husband‘s parents built and lived in for many years as did my husband and I after they passed. Needless to say, there has been a huge accumulation of stuff that needs to be thinned out before I die. Like you, I do not want to leave my stepson and stepdaughter and their respective children with the monumental task of cleaning out this house after I’m gone. Because of your video, I plan to tackle one room at a time, getting rid of all the stuff that is no longer needed or wanted. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This is an emotional one for me. I have spent the last 5 years ( yes 5) clearing out my in-laws house. These are not my parents, they are my husband's parents and not people who treated me very well so it has been with some resentment that I have committed time to doing this. They lived in a very large house and both of them eventually went into care recently. I was dragged into this when my father-in-law decided the house needed painting. My husband is an only child and he was very ill went this was decided. Every room had to be emptied so the painters could get to walls, move heavy furniture etc. It injured me physically and mentally. and then when it was all to be unpacked and put back he asked that I sort it. It's been years of boxes. I will never do this to my kids or my daughter in law. EVER. Time that I could have spent with my husband, who has cancer and has limited life expectancy was spent sorting out other peoples crap. and I resent it.
When this is all over you will realize you have given away your own precious life for another person's things. Stop now. I can say this because I am 81 and have gone through this myself. No thing is more important than time with your loved ones.
I started this journey in my early 50’s during covid. I was quarantined upstairs in my guest rooms and took a good hard look at the extra stuff filling these spaces. I realized if something happened to me, I wouldn’t want my girls to have to navigate through all of my stuff. If I didn’t want to do it, why would they? My journey continues today and I actually enjoy taking my time going through the memories while I slowly downsize my possessions. Jen is right, quality over quantity is where it’s at.
I’ve had to do this 3 times now: my parents, in-laws, and this spring/summer for a friend with no local family who was going into assisted living. It is just an awful process. So many people my age laugh and say their kids will just have to deal with it. Yes, they will and they will have a really hard time forgiving you. When we cleared out my father-in-law’s place, he was in the ICU in a hospital 40 miles away. Instead of spending time with his dad, my husband could only spend a short time each day with him because we had so much stuff to dispose of. It was the worst week of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, much less my loved ones.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Your message is very important. My aunt, 89, died a few years ago. She was a hoarder. I did not realise to what extent. She even kept empty chocolate boxes. Sorting her things out was left to my father-her cousin. He was 78 at the time. I remember him going to the house every day to locate and sort through papers so that nothing personal would get into the wrong hands. Ultimately, he gave up when he thought he had found most of it - he never went through everything. It was impossible. The house was sold to someone who also agreed to clear it out. Never mind not finding valuable things; this is the least problematic, but paper stuff, diaries, etc., should not be left somewhere. In contrast, my parents cleared out their house and invited people around to pick out things they wanted to take, and slowly, they reduced. They now live in a small flat. I am grateful to them. This was not easy. We have also started evaluating and reducing our possessions. When I need motivation, I need to remind myself of my aunt.
I want to say right now I appreciate my mom SO MUCH! She has never been a shopper or a hoarder, she has always lived by “if in doubt, throw it out,” and taught me if you haven’t looked in a box for a year you can throw it out without looking in it*. Not she is in assisted living and starting to have some memory loss. When we moved her apartment, she told us to take anything we wanted or could use and not to hesitate to thow stuff out or donate it. It helps that she downsized twice (two other previous moves) before going into assisted living. And rather than us taking her kicking and screaming (metaphorically speaking), she was the one who realized, and told us, she was no longer safe to live alone. Through her lifelong habits and priorities, she 100% spared us everything you are talking about here. So my purpose for thanking you for this video may be a little different - thank you for seeing how much I have to appreciate in my dear Mom, 88 years now. *obviously with some exceptions for well organized boxes of important things etc.
You probably won't see this, but I have to comment. I just want to say thank you. While watching this I am packing to head to my parent's house. They live across the country so I don't make this trip as often as any of us would like. My mom was diagnosed with dementia nine years ago. It's been a relatively slow progression, and I'm thankful to still have time to have the conversations you described, but I had big plans for this trip. I have a list of things I wanted to discuss (the amount of stuff in their house is UNREAL), argue, figure out...I just threw it away. It doesn't matter. She (nor my dad) are going to make these changes. I have completely changed my gameplan and have decided to make some memories for myself and be selfish with this time to just have fun and be her daughter. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing during this time. I think you may have just given me and my mom (and probably my dad as well) a huge gift.
My parents had a giant hoard of stuff. One workshop was 2500 sf with a narrow walkway throughout huge piles. I hired two guys to clear it out though I kept a few items. There is no reason to fret over stuff. Find the important documents. Then save a little money and pay for a haul away upon their death. I used metal recyclers and kept a lot out of the landfill. It is really very simple.
@@katefrench5270 I hope you're having a lovely visit with your parents, and making fun summer memories, that you and your Dad can cherish for years~ I'm impressed by your ability to take in a new message and perspective, and apply it to your own situation.
@@carollynt For me, I think it's that they are on the west coast and I'm on the east. I'm the only living child and they not only have their crazy amount of stuff (my mother collects antique furniture) but also my grandmother's stuff (mom got her love of antiques from my grandmother). At the end of the day, I'll hire a company to manage it. I've wanted them to downsize for years, we've talked about it for years. I need to leave it be and just move on, knowing they won't change and at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
I am not sure if you are going to see this comment. But here it is. I am sending you the biggest hug! For what you have gone through with her house and the cleaning. And for the missed times and conversations with your mom.
I went thru this in 2017 with my mother. It is one most difficult things I have ever gone thru. I am currently passionate about going thru my things and make sure this never happens to my children.
I did not clean out my Father’s room for about a month after he was gone. That was in the early 90’s. When my husband died three years ago, I cleaned the next day. I’m now getting rid of extra stuff. It is so uplifting! I’m seventy next month, not in bad health, just over having stuff I don’t need.👍
I'm in my 60's & as you have no family. I'm considering suggesting to my landlord that since I have no survivors, that the security deposit be used to clear out apt. I regularly do "fall" season clear out donations. I'm thinking of inviting ladies from church to come by & choose what they like from the pretty unnecessary lead crystal & such. Not computer literate to sell on line
I live in another country from my now 92 year old mother. I have periodically visited in order to help her sort through her stuff (nothing on the scale of your mother’s!)and recently in preparation for her move to a smaller apartment. It was a very special time for us, with lots of good conversations and laughter. She was a young girl during the war and I think her “too much” things may have been due to that. It felt really important to me to let her make the decisions about what needed to go, and I was taking a carload a day to the wonderful recycling center. She is now living a greatly simplified, but beautiful life with fewer pieces, but ones that she loves and/or needs. Many times I said how great it was that we were doing this together now, rather than after she has gone. In my own life I practice all your lessons and have for many years. I LOVE the feeling of lightness that comes when finding a new home for something we no longer need! I have always loved the William Morris quote “have nothing in your home that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
I SO agree with you. My husband and I are in our seventies and sadly had to sort through our younger daughter's personal things when she died suddenly. It was emotionally devastating and we have made the decision to save our other daughter from this trauma. We have been ruthless; love letters and cards exchanged, poems written to me by my husband, all burnt. We don't need them, we have our memories. We've looked at lots of things and made some harsh decisions. We've shared, with our daughter what we've been doing, she is very grateful, and understanding, of our decision. Things like family photos she has chosen to take possession of, other things we have agreed upon as a family. We both have also written down our funeral plans, again, to make things easier. We have a box that we've put in all important documents, financial and insurance information, together with our wills. Our daughter knows where this is. Whether we die or have to go into a nursing home, at least we have eased her burden.
This certainly struck a nerve. I have 5 storage units filled with stuff, from my parents, (both long passed), my older sister (passed more recently) and from my former marriage (divorced decades ago). As well as my own house, with my own stuff. I encouraged my nieces to look through and take what they wanted, and they did. But it barely made a dent. Now, I've been going through and donating or selling. I run into decision fatigue, where I just can't make another decision. Or, looking at some things brings back old memories and fresh grief. And I become very emotional. I wish I had done this long ago. But, one storage unit is almost empty now, and I will be informing the storage company that I am done with it. One down, 4 to go, Plus the house.
I went through this recently after my father died. I had to clean out his house to get it ready to sell. He didn’t buy a lot of stuff but he never threw anything away. He had every tax return back to the 1940’s, check books going back years, boxes for everything he bought stored in the basement. We burnt up 2 shredders just getting rid of the paperwork. He saved shoestrings out of old shoes. It was exhausting and I vowed then not to do this to my kids. However, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted after all of this, that I have not followed through with getting my own house in order. Thank you for the reminder. And be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can right now and that is enough.
Exact same story for me… mom wasn’t a hoarder, just never threw anything away. 65 years in the same house and a 1,000 sq storage building. It took me almost a year, the house just sold this week. Lots of guilt with throwing away and donating everything, but I did my best to honor her wishes.
We lost my father last year and my mother has Alzheimer’s. My father was very organized and kept everything too. I tried to start going through things when mom got sick. My dad even purged a few things. It wasn’t until we lost my father unexpectedly that I really started purging. Unfortunately, my brother who still lives there and does take care of my mom is a hoarder. I would clean the house for my parents after mom got sick. I can’t because my brother’s crap is taking over the house. It makes me want to purge my house now. I will say I took all the pictures and stuff that we can scan and post on Ancestry. So I have a lot of stuff for that overtaking my house currently. I do enjoy all the letters that he got in my grandmas stuff when she died. A lot of it is from the wars. I am glad to have that stuff. Other things need to just go.
My mom is still at home but not overly mobile. So I started sorting and getting rid of stuff while she was in her room. There is a lot to still get through but I do not ask. She will never know at this point unless she sees me do it. She thinks she isn’t in her home anywhere. She keeps asking when she is going home. It is a terrible disease. My dad was starting to get that way and was worse than we initially thought before he passed from pneumonia. My dad took such good care of my mother too.
Im so glad this video popped up. My parents passed when i was 30, 34 yrs old, not horders but still a big house. 4 daughters to fight over "stuff". Now I'm over 66 and starting to consign my large Hummel collection. 1st I offered to family. Some wanted a few, others nothing. I have a hobby of card making and " collected" supplies over 22 years. People love my cards ( don't sell them) but I rarely got rid of old rubber stamps, etc. Now I'm thinking a lot about it, turning to a Buy Nothing group in my area to unload excess. Thank you. ❤
There are a lot of people who are new to junk journaling, scrapbooking, etc., and we get a lot of our supplies from people who are downsizing their stashes of supplies. It's a win-win.
My mum has downsized to a one bed retirement flat, so was forced to declutter then. She was never a horder but a 4 bed home naturally accumulated stuff. She's now very organised, including a big red envelope on her mantlepiece, for things to do immediately when she dies and a binder of things to do that are a bit less urgent. I've copied that idea. Thanks mum!
My grandmother passed away last night and her house is so full of stuff. She lived in a huge Victorian home since 1960 and I’m not exaggerating when I say there is a room in her house with stacks and stacks of magazines. I too am doing my best to make sure my children don’t have to go through these things. Thank you for making this video.
My mom passed in April and she was a hoarder. Going through her stuff has been a disgusting, emotionally exhausting and painful experience. Im only 35, but Im definitely reevaluating my own consumption. Thanks for the video, Jen! (And BTW, you hair look AMAZING!!)
I really appreciated this video. I was recently thrown into a similar situation. For anyone who hasn’t lived this…do not throw stones. The stress of dealing with care, medical needs, etc whilst trying to declutter a lifetime of stuff had me in tears not once but many times. I think I may have had a few panic attacks thrown in for good measure.
Love and prayers to you, my friend. I too am juggling the financial, safety, housing, and medical needs of my 87 y/o mother who has dementia. She lives in the house that her and my dad shared for 55 years. They were both hoarders... the house is falling apart. I am falling apart.
As a person who had to settle the affairs of two family members, I have been on a multi-year decluttering journey myself. I no longer mindlessly buy & my purchases are now intentional. I've offered up some items to family & what they didn't want has been donated or left in front of my house with a "free" sign for anyone who wanted / needed it. Jen, I'm watching your video at 2:15am & your message has touched me. So much so that I'm bawling my eyes out for what you're going through 😢. I wish you & your mom all the best.
Putting out by the curb is a great idea! My son & I had been doing a part-time outreach since 2005 to pass out needed items for mostly children at community gatherings. Since over a year ago, I set up a table in front of my son's camper with free stuff. Sometimes people donate, but I am now adding my own stuff as I sort through it. My best friend who passed away in April, actually started a free store in her community a long time ago. I decided to keep her store going, in a sense, so I put her name on the sign.
I think this has been, in a strange way, a gift from your mom. It gives you the opportunity to make better choices and to spend more time with your sons and relatives sharing those special memories and stories you want to pass down. Thank your allowing us to learn from your journey.
If you do nothing else for your children and yourself...declutter your PAPER!🎉 My mom passed 5 years ago. Moved what could not be dealt with to my home. I am STILL working it. Paper checks from 1959 and forward. Paper from granparents who passes in the 1970s. If you do nothing else declutter your PAPER. Stuff is easy by comparison.
Long after my husband died, I found a collection of letters my husband had kept from when he was stationed in Alaska while we were engaged. I read, wept, and disposed of them. I told my children about it, but those words were not for others to see.
@@theresamc4578 I have a box of letters, from 1969 to 2014, written to me by my penfriend. Yes 40 years as penfriend. It's like a diary. We each visited each other's country twice. She has passed. Her country went from communism to democracy in that period. The letters are almost history! Don't know where they will end up when I pass.
@@colleenjohnson5902 Yes well mostly it's day to day living type letters. In the early years some of my letters or gifts to.her were confiscated with censorship. To begin I did not understand what communism was, I was 16 and nobody taught us about it. Not at school.or did our parents. It wasn't until I visited her when I was 30 in 1984, and I heard her stories that I realized what went on properly. At that point she wasn't allowed to come here to Australia. After communism fell in Europe in 1989/1990, then she was able to travel.outside the Eastern Bloc.She came to me and stayed six months in 1992. We were very good friends. I had 4 children and she had one. Her granddaughter came here in 2001 aged 14 and went to high school with mine. The story of "us" is way too.long for here, 40 years penfriends. I still have her letters but I don't think.her family kept mine.
I feel like you were specifically talking to me and my situation in this video. I'm a 41 yr old Mom of 5. My Mom was diagnosed with Early onset dementia 2 years ago an she was sentimental hoarder formost of my life. I have 3 siblings, but I'm the only one who stayed local and everything fell on me. I'm not trying to sound all "poor mee", but MAN that sucked trying to empty her packed home, sell it and try to navigate her to the right care living situation. I have since made it my mission to make sure my kids don't have the same mess to deal with. My Mom is still living, but she already doesn't know me. Nothing hurts like your Mom forgetting you. I am grieving someone who is still here. And now I'm crying. Ugh 💔 Our relationship was strained during my adult years, but despite that. I really just miss my Mom.
Oh Jen, my heart goes out to you. We walked this journey March 2020. My MIL died March 12 2020. She had a house a little bigger than your mom’s. She grew up in an era of saving every flippin thing. I have told my boys I would not do this to them. Getting mad is also a form of grieving and you are allowed to have those feelings. I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to forgive yourself for the loss of time.
Thank you for your message. Hopefully who ever reads this will not put their kids thru sorting their stuff. It took me 8 months to clean my Moms home. My brother lived in Az and my sister just started a new business and was there when she could. When I finally finished I found that the nieces and nephews wanted very little of Moms stuff. If they did want it I literally spent several hundred dollars sending it to them. Then I had a heart attack. My husband and I were building our dream home in another state to be close to our only daughter. She had just had a baby. Our 1st grandchild. What should have been the happiest time of my life was mired in my mom’s clutter. I’m sure if Mom knew this was going to happen she would have cleared out earlier but she was still youngish and died unexpectedly. When we moved we took 73 boxes of her good stuff with us to sort at a later time. Eventually I donated it to a charity shop.
65 years old, just retired, and could fit my belongings I the back of a Subaru Forester, now I don’t have the Forester and getting close to a bed and my backpack with the associated kit. Do the purge, give it away you’ll feel free.
I appreciate your video. I have a 91 year old mother who has Alzheimer's. It's extremely difficult and sad to watch. I have a sibling that shares the care taking responsibilities with me. I have spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to downsize at least a little bit to no avail. Now when I try to get rid of things if she sees you doing it she will tell everybody that you are stealing from her. It's a terrible feeling to feel like you have to sneak things out of the house because the task itself is very overwhelming. My mother lives in a 3500 square foot home that is packed with things. Little by little I have been getting things out that need to be shredded or can be easily taken to a thrift store..... I am sending you a huge hug and encouragement for the difficult time you are in right now. Your video helped me not feel so alone.❤
I feel for you. I was a caregiver for over 20 yrs. As well as my Beautiful moms 24/7 care giver in her home, now my home. For 4 wonderful years I worked in a MEMORY CARE FACILITY,, and we were trained as to their specific needs and behaviors. 19 residents. One important thing I learned is that “ clutter” and lots of “ stuff” even familiar, makes ALZHIEMERS worse. It is overwhelming to them. So things were kept very simple,, sparse , and little areas with things they lived to do and touch. One lovely lady just adored a pile of fabric pieces to stack / feel/ organize because she used to quilt. Music,, soft low pretty music calmed them. Dolls,, etc for the ladies were comforting. You have to make the clutter “ disappear” when your Mom is occupied with another project. You will see a difference and bless you for being her caregiver ❤❤❤❤
You are lucky to have a sibling that shares the load, I've often seen the children who do all the care get shafted by the children that only visited for Christmas sweep in and take all the valuables and then demand half of the money once everything is cleared up and sold!!
@MP-fk9em Oh my your story is almost identical to mine. Mom is 90, has dementia, lives alone with her old blind/deaf dog, in a 3200 sq feet house. Been trying to get her to move for years. She laughs and jokes about what a 'wonderful time' I'm going to have going through her things after she dies. It keeps me up at night.
Went through this with my folks 6 years ago. They lived in a small house so it wasn't as bad as what you experienced. My sister and I did it all...rented the dumpster and filled it, had a big garage sale. Cleaned the interior and hired a yard maintenance person to get the grounds sale ready. They moved to senior living and dad just passed away in March. Mom is now in memory care. I have the same regrets of not having had the meaningful conversations. And now it's the long goodbye with mom. I have started Swedish death cleaning myself. So much to do. I completely understand your message and I thank you for the reminder. We buy too much crap.
My husband came back from running errands to find me crying in the kitchen while I was watching the end of your video. Your video was like looking into a crystal ball and seeing my future. Thank you so much for making it. I have tried having conversations with my parents but the effects have been minimal. The time spent cleaning rather than just being with your loved ones is something I hadn't even thought of. I doubt that my parents have either. Family is everything to my parents. Maybe if I approach the conversation from that point of view I will have better success. I wish you strength and love in your journey with your mom.
Just take all valuables, personal items, and let go of everything else. Put things out with a FREE sign on the curb, it will be taken, believe me. Don’t stress yourself, it’s just stuff. Call a demo company or an estate company. I once saw picture frames in a thrift shop that still had old photos in them (heart breaking).
My dear MIL died suddenly 9 years ago today. She had *so* much stuff! Much of it was valuable, but the sheer volume was overwhelming. My FIL wasn't able to deal with all of it, so we did the best we could, but it really made an already awful time even worse. Your advice is absolutely correct.
You are speaking my story in real time. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. My mom's home is being cleaned out by strangers and placed in dumpsters and a few pieces being sold off. It is devastating. I too spent time talking about the stuff rather than talking to her. My mom has transitioned. My sister and brother are in ither states and I'm 8hrs away. Not enough time to do what I thought needed to be done. I've cried and screamed and laughed throughout this journey that I am still on today. Thank you. I'm extending Love to you and your mom. Hold her hand and kiss her cheeks. Your friend Kristine ❤
My dad passed away nearly 3 years ago at 95. Mom, almost 98, remains in their home. Thankfully, they didn't have a basement! I began going through their home at Mom's pace when Dad became ill. I'm still at it, and am going through my own home as well. I'm 77, and I, too, decided to make sure my children don't face the burden I found myself carrying. Many donations made, sorting continues. But I now know what's in mom's home and can quickly unload it. Problem...telling siblings there is a time limit, and if items are wanted, it's now or never. Those not going through it, don't get it. Mom also promised items to multiple people. Yep. Fun.
I started going through my parents home after my mom died (91) Then again 2 years later when we moved dad into our home. Trying to toss however was hampered by my dad who kept stopping me or rescuing items while telling anyone who would listen what a terrible thing I was doing. I am not a minimalist either, I have a rather cluttered home so I wasn't trying to toss anything worth while to keep. When he told the district nurse I threw away his medication and I told her it expired 10 years ago he got no sympathy then lol. He did at least relinquish control over his shed and we did a sale on all of its contents. But even with going through twice we still had to rent storage. Once dad passed last year (93) I went through what was left doing the Swedish death cleaning with no one to stop me. Well almost no one, my husband was like "I could have sold that!" When I gave away a TV and stand to one of my daughters friends for free. It had sat there for months gathering dust. This is one of the first times I was thankful to be an only child who had nobody else to answer to. Now I am looking at our own overflowing stuff and starting on that as I do not want to leave this mess to my own children. Again it's my husband who is stopping me from doing a proper job of it as he has not got to this downsize mindset yet.
@@joandsarah77Keep going darling your husband will following soon enough. My husband is the same. I just started with all my stuff and I include the kitchen as I cook and clean in there so he doesn’t care about that stuff well maybe a few things and I do ask permission to get rid of those. We are both 60 and I’ve been going through stuff steadily for years but still living my life too. Hubby see me doing all this and is staring to get rid of more of his stuff now that he is retired.
Boy did I hear you today! We just finished cleaning out and selling my father-in-law‘s home after he passed away. He had three generations of possessions to go through while we were grieving. It was awful, awful, awful and my husband and I became very resentful. We don’t have any children and I would never want a niece or a nephew to have to go through our things and experience that -thank you for sharing what you do!!!
My mom downsized when she was in her early 80's from her beautifully kept up, 3 story home to a senior apartment. She took care of getting most of her furniture sold to a dealer, selling the house, shredding old paperwork, etc. She really did not have much in the way of garbage because she had been participating in her community yard sales for at least a decade prior to that and had gotten rid of a lot of things before the big purge for downsizing. We have been so lucky that she did that. I can not imagine having to do this under the pressure of a health emergency or after your loved one has passed and you are in the depths of grieving them. It's hard enough to lose a parent and then to have to get rid of their things, often in a very unceremonious manner, would be so gut wrenching. I know that I will never leave a mess for my own kids to deal with and have already started the paring down process, myself.
This video has made me think about doubling down on getting rid of a lot of the things in my house. I have been working on this for about two years ago. I recently told my only son that whatever might be left when I pass he has my permission to dispose of any way he needs to without any guilty feelings. And because I have recently recommitted to a healthier lifestyle all together, I cleaned out a few cabinets in my kitchen that were full pots and pans and lids for which there was no pot! I went on Amazon and bought myself a very good quality saute pan that will replace about 8 pans I have disposed of. It was quite expensive but as you mentioned with your mom's purses, one quality item can replace many cheaper items. I'll be cooking my healthy meals in this pan later this week!! Believe it or not, I had somewhat of an emotional attachment to the pots and pans because my husband loved to cook and used to do most of the cooking. He passed away less than a year ago. My lifestyle has changed and my belongings need to keep up.
Sorry for your loss. I can relate to the emotional attachment to things because your loved one is tied to them in some way. It is great you are aware of that and can hopefully do a little healing as you go on. I lost my mom last year. Sewing was her thing and she was amazing at it!! I have started sewing again and am grateful for the fabrics she left me but boy oh boy, do I need the thread and zippers from thirty years ago?!? 😊
I was too young to remember much about my grandmother's death and her preparations, but I do know that she labeled everything. Every photo was labeled on the back with the names and year. Her jewelry was labeled with the origin, etc as well as who she wanted it to go to after her death. It was immensely helpful.
I think we should all live minimally, so we never have to do a Swedish Death Cleaning. I have done this since 2021, and I am 65. Sold, donated, tossed.
Some of us aren’t minimalists (and don’t want to be). But we can curate our possessions so things are easier for those we leave behind. Not everything we own is a treasure.
I can’t imagine anyone watching this video thinking that you are crazy. I just kept thinking about how kind you were to let all of us know not to waste precious time with our parents on meaningless stuff. My mother also had Alzheimer’s disease; before anyone really knew what it was, in the 1980s. We too had to leave our family home as dad had died a few years earlier. I will never forget looking at my mom‘s dining room table for sale on the front lawn. Her pride and joy was sold for just a few dollars to complete strangers. I hope you can have at least one more meaningful conversation with your mom.❤️
I cleaned out my parents' incredibly full house ten years ago, and I also returned home determined to save my children from having to go through the same thing.
I started tearing up when you discussed the lost quality time with your Mom. I feel the same way. I lost so much quality time with my Mom before her dementia kicked into high gear. Instead I was always doing projects, repairing her home, cleaning and clearing out and all she really wanted was for us to hang out and visit. Wish I’d heard this in 2015. 😢 Thank you for sharing so maybe those with living, healthy parents will focus on the important relationship they have with them.
My mother is constantly getting rid of stuff now and my dad has tons of stuff he doesn't seem to be able to sort and get rid of. I see both sides and I'm glad to see you address that. I sometimes remind my mom that if this brings him comfort and he finds joy in those things I'm not wanting to see his last years (?) filled with constant bickering and anger over it. When my grandmother moved to an assisted living center, she was pretty much heartbroken the rest of her life and felt betrayed about how her collections were sorted and discarded without her approval.
I'm just going to say a loud AMEN because I just lived this! My 93 year old mom passed 4 months ago and I identified with everything you just shared. Like you, I learned what I need to do NOW for my kids and I'm starting the process. you are right on target and you will get through this. Because of dementia, I was mourning the loss of my beloved mom months before she passed.
Jen, my 78yr old mom is a hoarder. She lives alone in a 3000sq ft home and she just keeps collecting. And collecting. And collecting. We recently went to dinner for her birthday and I talked to her about her stuff and how stressful it’s going to be for all of us when she goes. I’m a purger so I just don’t understand her hoarding tendencies. But THANK YOU for the reminder that her future birthdays may be limited and I need to just enjoy my time with her NOW. I needed to hear this and see your emotion to really get it. ❤️
There are parts of the world where, if a visitor admires something, sincerely, the object is given to them. (obviously I wouldn't give away the home, car, essential items of furniture... but knick-knacks, for sure.... and maybe she would too, giving things to people who appreciate them makes it easier to give them up)
I have shared this video with 10 people!. I grew up living over the funeral home my dad owned. Talking about every aspect of death I'd not culturally accepted yet EVERY ONE OF US WILL DIE. Thank you for your vulnerability and truth on this topic❤
I did the clean out with my siblings 8 years ago. My Mom had died and my Dad leaving his beloved lake home of 50 years. It was all very heartbreaking. But coming across the video -I’m 66, is good timing. Looking to do my own clean out while I can. Thank you and best wishes ❤
Thank you for sharing your journey. My Mom died of breast cancer at 68 years of age (my age now). She made sure that she downsized what she could before she passed. Moving my Dad in with us, and cleaning out and selling a 1600 sq. foot home, was a much easier transition because of the work my Mom had done beforehand. I am working on doing the same thing for my kids. Hugs to you xx
We just went through the same thing: our mom was diagnosed with and died within 6 weeks of aggressive brain tumours at 83 years old. We could barely catch our breath with the speed at which everything happened. My sister had to quit her job to take care of mom in the last weeks of her life…..then was the executor of the estate. From January to current spent upwards of hundreds of hours sifting through moms belongings, fixing her house for sale, making dump runs, hiring contractors to fix things (that should have been attended to years ago) It was exhausting for both of us and left a bad taste after mom had died…..and this shouldn’t be the case. Anyway I’m saying I totally agree with you and GET IT. Importantly for everyone to get this message……especially the elderly parents!! Thanks for a great video!
Downsize while you can! I did. I developed MS over the decades- finally diagnosed last year and this spring my husband died rather suddenly. I’m so glad I did this earlier. It’s made the grief easier than it would have been otherwise. My life is simpler and that’s so helpful. I began in earnest about 14 years ago when we moved from our house to an apartment. It’s been like peeling an onion, layer by layer. Slow and steady. I was struggling with extreme fatigue, muscle weakness (hello- undiagnosed MS) so I couldn’t do too much at once. Do it while you can!❤
This video really hit home for me. My mom also had (and later died of) dementia, and she had a LOT of things. I also had to put her in assisted living, the difference was I was in my 20's and was living in her apartment with her, when she got sick. I relate to a lot of things you said. Trying to pair down my mom's stuff and not knowing what she liked or disliked, what items were important to her and what were insignificant, what she wanted to keep or pass down to me or other family members... it caused me so much sadness and a decision paralysis. As her apartment (with all the stuff) was the only place I had to live, and my boyfriend had to move in with me in order for us to be able to pay all the bills, it was even worse because there wasn't room enough for him and his stuff, or our mutual stuff.. because my mom had so many things, in every closet, in every drawer. Her dementia was such that I couldn't ask her for any answers, what was or wasn't important to her, what came from where and what were the important keepsake items, so the process of pairing down and trowing away things was very slow and excruciatingly painful, trying to make decisions and not knowing if I made the wrong ones, all the while dealing with her sickness, grieving the "loss" of my mother (piece by piece), the care for her needs, assisted living and medical bills... it was awful and caused me a lot of anxiety and stress, and also caused my boyfriend a lot of stress too, trying to navigate helping me get through pairing down her stuff, and navigate his stress and anger around living in an apartment full to the brink with stuff that I couldn't make myself throw away, because I was so overwhelmed with everything. He could'nt help me throw stuff away, as I had to make all the decisions, and I couldn't. Sizing down her stuff took me YEARS and it was an awful process. I was clearing out bit by bit, closet by closet, drawer by drawer, when I had a good mental day and high enough energy. Dealing with loss is difficult enough. Dealing with 50+ years of someone's accumulated stuff, in addition to the loss...it's just too much.😓
SPOT ON. I've done it both ways many times after the deaths of my parents, grandparents, in-laws, my own husband, and finally my oldest son. There is no peace in stuff. Live only in the present and throw it out TODAY. Let those grieving you have only great memories. Thank you❤
I did a major downsize after retiring by purchasing a very small house, forcing myself to eliminate art, collectibles, antique furniture, n unnecessary bake ware n dishes. Not easy! But I was able to choose what truly was important to me while here on earth. Also twice a year I go through my clothes. If I did not wear something for a season, it was donated. My little house only has 2 closets, so the challenge to eliminate is an ongoing process. No regrets.
Thank you so much for this video. My mother-in-law is still here but in assisted living with dementia. She left a lot for her dauggter and son to deal with. My Mom did not have dementia but still left a lot. I am now 66 and do NOT want to leave my daughter with a bunch of crap to deal with. I wish you peace on this journey.❤
This is the very furthest thing from selfish!! It’s a gift to your kids. I watched both of my parents grieve while cleaning out their parents’ houses over the past few years and it was really rough. I now go through my own belongings regularly due to this experience and your videos, so thank you!
Found your channel and love yor message and I am trying to get ride of or give away so my children don't have to go through what I went through. My mother was in her mid fit=fties when she died - too young. My dad died 10 years later at 65 - too young. Do enjoy the time you have with your Mom. My children were little when my dad died. I had to leave them with my mother in law and spent weeks (alone as an only child) going through their stuff - so many memories. I want to make a point about that generation that I feel you and most young people don't understand. They grew up in the Great Depression. My mother lived in NYC and they were starving - no jobs and little food - 9 children to feed. My Dad grew up rural so they had a garden at least but the people who lived through that time suffered and were taught to save everything - it might be needed later. They were very frugal and afraid of another depression. I don't think any of us today who grew up in the age of abundance can understand. Just understand times were very different and they saved everything because they grew up with that. We have stuff today because we can and we all do have too much but they saved for a very different reason. Just a thought.
I fully agree with every comment, my dearest father slowly and quietly down sized his belongings. When it came to clearing,and sorting his possessions he had labelled anything of importance and who he wanted them to go to.he had written his wishes for his funeral,I’m not exaggerating to say I bearly had to make a decision .it was still very emotionally draining.i thank him to this day and am following his example..
I crochet. I made a rule years ago that if I bought yarn for projects, I couldn’t buy more until that yarn was used up. I have a plastic bin for yarn and as blankets are made, they go into the bin until I gift them. I suppose when I die the kids can choose what they like from the bins. I’m sure there will be great grands that come later who will love having one of my beautiful works of art. Other than that, most of my stuff is yard sale junk that has no meaningful worth. It’s high quality cookware, canning equipment and useful to me now. But I won’t care what happens to any of it later. Except my hunting rifle, it fed my family during tough times. I hope a grand daughter will appreciate that.
@@Somewhere-In-AZ I crochet as well, but I donate most of my stuff to charities or my local churches, regardless of denomination. As for some of the blankets, when I make an interesting one, I ask my grown kids who wants it, & if none do, it goes to donation. Also, I very rarely buy yarn. There's online groups on social media, & thrift stores, where you can find folks that are looking to donate their relatives unused yarn stashes. I've got several years' worth of quite good quality yarn to still get through for making all sorts of goodies!
My family comes from truly frontier folk in Oregon. My mother tells tales of keeping the family fed while in a cabin days from anyone else, in a valley on the Siskiyou Pass stretch of I-5 now. It's a big family, now, with all the relatives, but I got a family Bible and a few amazing history pieces. And amazing memories of her and her brothers and Grandpa telling tales every time the family would get together. Hallooo from Wisconsin to the Wilson/Stocks of Sweet Home, Oregon!
When my mother died we couldn’t grieve because we were left with finding an assisted living home for our Dad and with dealing with all the things she had hoarded. My brother and I were in a state of abject panic for months. We ended up telling everyone we knew to come and take whatever they wanted.
Thank you for this. So much! I rarely ever comment on videos, but recently finished clearing out my parents' home of fifty+ years. Since I work from home, it seems I was the only sibling (out of three) who could invest a large amount of time and energy into this project. It was overwhelming at times, but I did it for my family and would do it again (Dad died at age 87 in 2018, and Mom lived in their home -- with weekly stay-overs from me, and help from my older brother -- till last year, when she had a scary fall and we knew it was time for her to move in with family. She's 93, doing well, but we're all grateful she can live comfortably with my older brother and his wife). Decluttering her house took me nearly a year between my own home responsibilities, work, and caring for my adult special needs son, but I got it done and the house just sold. This experience opened my eyes to the importance of never putting my daughter through the huge, time-consuming ordeal of cleaning up after me, and so I'm in the middle of a major Swedish Death Cleaning. I don't resent that I had the experience (though it left me exhausted), and I'm grateful for the wake-up call. When I go, I want to leave as little as possible behind, and I'm now committed to getting away from the cycle of buying crap I don't really need (:
I am a very hardy 80 year old. Last year I moved my stuff out of my home and in storage, and did I ever purge! My home is a two story houseboat and I am having it moved to where I live now. I will purge again, mostly with kitchen appliances. Either a yard sale, or I will donate. But as for my table ware, and furniture, family furniture and things I bought in Europe, leaving it to them to deal with. They can take what they want and donate the rest. Because everything I own can go to a thrift store or an estate sale. They can just scoop it up. They will not need to go through paper work. I bought a book, “I’m Dead, Now What” So that will be finished with my final tasks that will be dealt with after I am dead.
@@roberthardy2013 I do not want to bin the rest. I like what I have. I am living my life for me, with my stuff. I feel an obligation of making sure my paper work is in order and the stuff I do not want gotten rid of. Also no boxes of stuff that I may use stuck in the attic. I purged when I packed out my home and no doubt when I get back in I will purge some more. I have too many kitchen appliances and they have got to go.
Absolutely spot on! Our consumer culture is addictive & it takes enlightenment & self control to create a minimalist/ essentialist mindset. It took me 5 yrs to transform!
What you are saying is so real. My husband and I have inherited the stuff and task of dealing with all the said stuff of 4 family members lost in the last 10 years. The most recent if which was my mom's in 2019. I still have boxes & tubs of photos, documents, and heirloom-trinkets to sort through. It is absolutely overwhelming. I am desperately trying to get my stuff winnowed (I love this word!) so that we do not leave this mess for our daughter. ❤
Thank you for sharing your experience. My childhood home was built in the 1940s. My father and his first wife bought it new. My Daddy never threw anything away and when he married my Mama in 1964 about 15 years after his first wife died they combined households. My Mama grew up during the Depression and had very little possessions. As she got older, she did not want to let go of things. That house was a disaster. Both of my parents are gone and finally I am rid of that place. However, I have my own mental struggles with spending, hoarding. I appreciate your videos about Swedish Death Cleaning because I was not blessed with children and I am alone because my husband died way too soon. You are inspiring me to face my fears because if something happens to me, I certainly don’t want my nieces and nephews to have to deal with my crap. Thank you so much! I am beginning my journey tonight. Love and hugs to you!!❤❤❤
I just turned 61, and have had to clear out my in-laws home, my mother’s, an Aunt and most recently a sister. And it is incredible how much junk people collect. And like you I had an aha moment, and have been clearing my own house, donating like crazy, and it feels so good to do this. It also makes you think twice when you purchase something. And I agree, if you’re buying something, let it be quality. Great video
I feel your pain. For the last 10 years every time I went to my mom's (8 hr drive one way) I would clean something out. The garage, a closet or two, her kitchen, her laundry room, the attic, her groceries...AND I would try to make it easier for her to stay organized. She did NOT have dementia other than age-related memory loss. Some of this time was well spent because I could ask her about stuff & we had good discussions. Much of the time I was exasperated and exhausted. Thank God I did this, because last May she fell one afternoon & developed a subdural hematoma... I drove straight to her hospital room & arrived around 3 AM - she died at 7:45 AM, never regaining consciousness. This was traumatic in itself, but then it fell to me to clean out the house she had lived in for 50 years. Before I brought home the stuff from her house that I wanted to keep, I cleaned out TONS of my own stuff. But your point #5 really resonated with me. While I was very thankful I had cleaned out as much as I did over the years, those were a lot of visits I could've spent time just visiting. ❤
To watch all my Swedish Death Cleaning Videos, head here! ua-cam.com/play/PLygBsukzpH651IUAdwB2Nkp3PELlgxxiK.html&si=vqAciLsLAST1nJ2V I've been amazed and slightly overwhelmed at the number of comments on this video so while I may not respond to every one, I AM reading them and please keep them coming as I feel like the stories you're sharing are so helpful for others and bring light to something we don't talk about enough. Thank you for being amazing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mom. I just started to watch your video from just this past Christmas when your mom was able to come to your house for a visit. You have done a beautiful job being there and taking care of her. Dementia is such a cruel disease - not just for the victim but for the family, too. You gave your mom sound, common sense advice when you talked to her about paring down her stuff, unfortunately, your mom was likely already having some cognitive issues and it was too confusing for her to even think about. They become adept at covering up their symptoms so you had no way of knowing that. Please be gentle with yourself. Again I am so sorry.
A great word for your huge epiphany is learning differentiation. At its core, it's us taking our anxiety, our desire to make someone do something (logical, rational, helpful to them and us) and stopping our rumination and our begging, and just accepting what is. And, you have such timely advice for what to do INSTEAD. Chefs kiss.
That link is broken. Can you direct me to this list?? I am lost in this new UA-cam design. I can't find anything.
@@kimberlygraham8565 Just fixed it in the comment (I needed a space between the link and the next word!)
What a terrific video! I found it to be very uplifting, and you have a great way of remaining positive and encouraging. Thank you.
My dad died last year, 12 years after mum. Not long after she died he downsized his whole life, house, stuff, paperwork, social life, all of it. In the end, his days consisted of hanging out with his little dog and feeding his garden wildlife. We tried to make him spend his money on having a better life but in the end, he was living exactly the life he wanted. When he died it took us a day to sort his things. He had so little. The birds popped in the kitchen looking for him and his little dog pottered around being a little old dog. I can see now it was a life perfectly unburdened with clutter and inanimate objects. I aspire to be the same.
@@ilearn8950 something for older people to remember (and even younger people) leave instructions for your pets in your will, can’t stress this enough
What a wonderful gift he gave to you!
Sounds like he felt free which I’m sure was a gift to you too.
Lovely man to do that for you and for him.
@@ilearn8950 💜
Ok, I’m 79 years old and I was glued to your video. I consider myself very organized BUT, my attic is bulging with beautiful precious Christmas Decorations, Easter bunnies, and cute Autumn and Halloween decor. I love all of it and enjoy decorating my home with it all BUT, I have to pay someone to cart it all down from the attic and haul it all back up again when the specific holiday is over. So I have decided to keep 5 things from each category and donate/give all the rest away! I feel better already!!!
Good for you! I'm 77 and a few years ago I gave away all my Christmas decorations except for one shopping bag of decorations for my smallish tree and two particularly pretty items for my mantle. I find that the living room looks so pretty with just those things that I've been decorating the tree and those two big items, on November 1st!
Wow! U GO Girl! Well Done!
I appreciate all the encouragement to toss all the extraneous “stuff”… kind of hard at first but very freeing once it’s done!!
I sorted my Halloween down to one light-up Jack O'lantern and a big rubber rat to stand next to it. My Easter down to what can be stored in an Easter basket. I still have a ton of xmas, planning to sort it out this November, but I will definitely still have two or three boxes of those. Vintage, collected, sentimental. But organized.
Wow, good girl
The people who are complaining about you are people who haven't had to deal with this situation yet. It's overwhelming!
I do not understand people complaining about this. Don't watch the video if it upsets you.
I have a less charitable opinion about the people accusing her of being selfish. They are the types of people that stack stuff up in their homes, never go through their paperwork, don't have a will. They don't want to think about dying, face the idea that they won't be here anymore. And when it crosses their minds they think the stuff they leave to their kids is like a payment for dealing with it. I don't think that it is "selfish" to put off dealing with your affairs, but it is somewhat selfish to shame others that are pointing out that you're burdening your kids by refusing to take care of your own business.
Both my grandmothers died within 6 months of each other. One of them didn't have a spouse or children equipped to deal with her things, so I did it. The other grandmother's death process sent my parent into a depression and her things were so overwhelming it took their child over 3 years to go through whatever wasn't thrown into the dumpster. And as the eldest child I spent those 3 years helping my parent process both physically and emotionally.
If anyone wants to complain about anything in the process of dying or losing a close relative I might throw hands. For everyone who has gone through the process I say, "Good job! I'm proud of you. You have gone through something incredibly difficult and emotional and come through on the other side. Your decisions were perfect. Thank you for the sacrifices you had to make!"
@kellyblaxton3189 I have been through this with my in-laws. My husband is an only child. His mum passed away in 2019, his dad in 2023. I do not want to burden my child with what I and especially my husband had to go through when they passed.
I am in the process of 'death cleaning'. I have one adult child. I have told him that I am doing this.
It can also make you physically ILL
My mom a year before passing, gave me all her jewelry, her photo album and her diary. At the time when she passed away, there was only small box consisted of her pjs, slippers and minimal clothing. She gave away all her shoes, coats, even table lamps, household items such as thermos, pots and pans et cetera. We didn’t spend any time decluttering her belongings. Thanks Mom.
My Dad is 72, and a hoarder. I mean, the fire inspector warned him about his apartment once (but never followed up), and my Dad panics whenever someone, like the landlord or a plumber, needs to enter his place. That's how bad it is. A few months ago, my Dad gave me a call and, out of the blue, told me he was considering getting burial insurance, and we started discussing his funeral arrangements, what I would need to do when he dies, etc. He's not sick or anything, but it was just on his mind. I told him he needs to start cleaning his apartment, throwing things out, giving things away, etc. I didn't call him a hoarder, but I hinted at it. And my Dad got so mad, yelling at me, "You're heartless! You think you know me??!! You don't know me! I like the way I live!" He felt really judged, and I've never talked to him again about it. My Dad has stuff in his apartment, like tools and electronics equipment, that is brand new, still sealed in their original boxes. He just keeps buying stuff, including books and magazines, piled all over the place, telling me he's going to read them one day and can't get himself to throw them out or give them away. He doesn't even use his refrigerator anymore, because there's stuff piled in front of it. He eats out instead. Anyway, God bless your Mom. It sounds like she was at peace with what inevitably we all must face. I don't think my Dad can face he's going to die, and I honestly don't know how to help him.
We went through the same thing last year and I wished someone would have told us this before hand. It was very difficult..thank you for putting it into words❤
I feel sorry for your mom for having to live her last months (years?) without shoes, table lamps, pots and pans, basically like a refugee in her own home, just so you dont have to feel overwhelmed by throwing out those items AFTER she passed. Maybe she like it that way, I hope... but I think it's a terrible idea to recommend this to everyone. It's like saying : get rid of your stuff, you are almost dead anyway, so make it easier for me please, you and your stuff doesn't really matter anyway. and yes, I've cleaned out several households, and I survived the ordeal, I actually enjoyed dealing with the little elements of finished lives as I sorted through the memories.
@@4kassis my mom was having vertigo when outside, there was no need of shoes and clothes. She had all the essentials, moreover giving away stuff she doesn’t need, but gladly accepted by others brought more joy to her. My mom never gave much meaning to the stuff, neither I am, when my time will come I will follow my mom’s footsteps.
@@thehighllama8101I am so sorry that he got so mad. Upon his passing all the things that are sealed and books would be easily sold on eBay or facebook marketplace . Not nice to think about but your reality.
My Dad was a hoarder... the entire lower level of my parents house is filled with crap that's piled up to the ceiling. It's been that way for 40 years. Eventually, water damage destroyed the drywall, the lights stopped working, and the carpet got rotted & moldy. He died a few months ago... Mom is 87 and has dementia. She will need to go in to a memory care facility, and I will have to sell her house. They had a lifetime to prepare for their old age, but refused to think about it. Instead, they made it my problem. And oh yeah, I live 1200 miles away - I can't just go running over there at night after work. I AM SO ANGRY WITH THEM for putting us all in this terrible situation. Thanks for letting me vent. This is a very important video that everyone needs to see. If you love your kids - don't do this to them.
@@yertletheturtle5843 ‘let it go’ or the bitterness will eat you from the inside out. It’s done now and and I’m sure you won’t leave a mess for your family. ❤️🩹
@@triciasmith4555 Oh I'm almost over it. 🙂
@@yertletheturtle5843 Still sending you strength ❤
@nonawolf7495
I so understand! My parents also were hoarders. Their home became like the House of Usher. Everything fell apart. By the time they were evicted my dad put all their stuff into three LARGE storage units. I didn't force him to let me eliminate anything, but I pointed out that either he could let me get rid of the stuff now, or he could keep paying for all this stuff he hadn't seen in years, then I would get rid of it after he died. He agreed to let me eliminate the stuff.
So I did.
Junkluggers took FOUR TRUCKS of his "treasures." I wanted nothing (watching my mom and dad inspired me to minimize my life). There are companies like Junkluggers who recycle everything that can be recycled, and donate whatever they can.
I'm saying this to sort of give you "permission" to let go of the stuff.
It took me many many years to understand that my parents were mentally ill; like any illness it wasn't their fault. It was mostly from my dad, who grew up in extreme poverty during the Depression. He is now 92, and I can spend his remaining years with him without the burden of the STUFF (which ultimately just doesn't matter).
Wherever your journey takes you and your family, just know you're not alone.
💜
Hopefully it's of some comfort to know you are not alone! We can do so much better for the next generation. I think part of it is that we are talking about the Baby Boomers - they kept, they hoarded, they thought it could be used again, it was a way of life. I think that hoarding is often an early sign of mental issues, don't you think? Anyway - I hope you are able to toss it all. I'm sure that is so expensive, I can't even imagine. She shouldn't be in a home with mold, so hopefully she can get moved soon.
After my mother died I, as the only daughter, took on the difficult job of house clearing. I had the garbage company bring a bin, I called all the grandchildren to come and choose things that would be memories of grandma, then I proceeded to go through each room. Separated things into 3 categories. Throw, donate, keep. Took me a month but was sure glad I spent the time. The experience has changed the way I live. I’m in a constant state of downsizing and regifting.
@@RuthellenHerzberg I'm an only child now as my 2 sisters passed, I looked after dad, then mum, while still working full time, dad had a short fight with cancer, mum had surgery on her heart, but died a year later. I bought a unit and renovated it completely with a large assisted shower, spent the best part of a year trying to talk mum into taking all she Needed there and living comfortably and making it easier on me to meet all the demands, that I was slowly Not coping with as my own health started to deteriorate.... but just as I had her to agree and we started to plan the move
@user-oc2mt8kf2j I'm an only child now as my 2 sisters passed, I looked after dad, then mum, while still working full time, dad had a short fight with cancer, mum had surgery on her heart, but died a year later. I bought a unit and renovated it completely with a large assisted shower, spent the best part of a year trying to talk mum into taking all she Needed there and living comfortably and making it easier on me to meet all the demands, that I was slowly Not coping with as my own health started to deteriorate.... but just as I had her to agree and we started to plan the move, she had a sudden massive heart attack and died. I only had 2 kids, told them to come and take whatever they wanted...there was very little they wanted, as they're very modern and mum was all antiques. It took me 2 months of work with my husband, going through everything, dump, donate, sell, give to other family.... hell of a lot of work!! And I realised a lot of the stuff I was holding onto only mattered to me, my kids won't care..so I have cleared out my own home heaps too now!
Me too. Mother was a child of the Great Depression. It tooks months going thru her possessions. After her estate sale, I downsized and became a minimalist. I downsized further and now I am an essentialist. I have beautuful useful essentials only.🎉
Seems like this work falls almost exclusively on daughters. 🤔
@@RuthellenHerzberg Regifting is a wonderful concept. Giving something away just doesn't have the same ability to inspire!
I am a believer. I'm 73 years old and I have been making a real effort to move my "collectibles" out of my home and into charity hands. I know my daughter and son do NOT want them and I am doing it for them. It was a little stressful when I first started because I was attached to the memories I had for the items I collected. However, as time went on I felt relief and a feeling of lightness over unburdening myself from "things". It's actually a spiritual experience.
@@patwo9719 well done 👍😁. I'm sure that your children will appreciate it. My mother in law just passed away. Both my husband and my sister in law live on different continents to my in law's. Her house was so full of stuff that you could not sit down without moving stuff off a surface. It's going to be a gigantic effort to clear out her apartment. I don't envy my husband. My parents unfortunately are not great, they have tons of unnecessary stuff that is not used, in fact they don't even know they have it!🤦 My sister also lives on another continent, so I will have to clean up their lives when they are gone. It's a huge burden on the family that is left behind 😞
Agree,bless you.🌺☮️☮️
Good on you, my mom now 80 is doing the same. Entire collections went to Goodwill and she told me that she felt she was passing on the feeling of finding a treasure, she is still very excited about that.
@patwo9719 oh good..I'm finally getting it through my head no one "wants" my possessions! What I think is wonderful and lively, is not what my kids think!! So, this gives me hope to really dig in and dig out.!!! It's hard. But I'm pushing through!!
@@TH-eb5ro that is a good way to look at it passing on treasures to find. I need that advice.
My 15 year old granddaughter owed me $$$ and asked if she could work it off while I went to my part time hotel job. I am 76. She cleaned out the food storage room. It was hard for me to realize a lot of canned for was never going to be used. It was a great feeling for me, especially after the garbage truck emptied the can. What a hard experience for me, and what a great relief. Anyone want to borrow her? Before people criticize me, a lot of the food was old and expired.
No criticism! I think the two of you did a wonderful thing - good for both of you! ❤ She could earn money doing this for many people! I’d hire her! I’m debating hiring a professional organizer to help me go thru everything.
I'm doing that now!! It feels wonderful!!!
@@berthanadrossos9802 When I purged my houseboat to pack it up to move I realized how much food stuff I had and so much of it expired. No more. Those bottom cabinets with the pull out shelves will be used for small appliances so I can keep them off the counter.
👍
I won't criticize you, but most people need to be aware that "expired" food is fine. Even expired medications are usually fine. The US government had a study done on how long medications are good past their expiration date, because they stockpile large amounts (for the military or something) and didn't want to throw out huge amounts of medications unnecessarily. You can google it yourself with a few keywords (UA-cam doesn't allow links), but the findings were that virtually all the meds lost only a tiny amount of their effectiveness and were completely safe to use.
Food is almost the same. Canned goods will last almost indefinitely. I mean, 20 years might make us uncomfortable, but try googling "how long do canned goods last" and the top result is an article by the USDA. If you're not going to eat it, and can't find creative ways to use it in a recipe or soup, I guess it's hard to figure out what to do because food pantries probably don't want outdated food. But at least let's not be ignorant! :) Anything past the "best by" or "use by" date doesn't immediately become poisonous. Those dates are chosen by manufacturers to ensure you eat their food at peak quality, whatever that means. You can open it, sniff it, and immediately know if you can use it. I love free food and will take almost anything someone is throwing out and find a way to use it. Maybe you have a friend like me??
I can't post the link, but here's the text of the short article from USDA. There's tons more info out there if you just look...and many are trying to get the word out, because we waste 40% of the food we produce in this country. That's horrifying, especially because hunger is a big problem, even in this country. Look for the website called Feeding America.
Before You Toss Food, Wait. Check It Out!
Posted by Marianne Gravely, Technical Information Specialist, Food Safety and Inspection Service in Health and Safety
Jun 27, 2013
It’s happened to all of us: you’re looking for something in the freezer or pantry, and discover food that has been forgotten. Your first impulse is to throw it out, but wait! Is it still good? Chances are it is!
Food poisoning bacteria does not grow in the freezer, so no matter how long a food is frozen, it is safe to eat. Foods that have been in the freezer for months (recommended freezer times chart) may be dry, or may not taste as good, but they will be safe to eat. So if you find a package of ground beef that has been in the freezer more than a few months, don’t throw it out. Use it to make chili or tacos. The seasonings and additional ingredients can make up for loss of flavor.
What about the foods in your pantry? Most shelf-stable foods are safe indefinitely. In fact, canned goods will last for years, as long as the can itself is in good condition (no rust, dents, or swelling). Packaged foods (cereal, pasta, cookies) will be safe past the ‘best by’ date, although they may eventually become stale or develop an off flavor. You’ll know when you open the package if the food has lost quality. Many dates on foods refer to quality, not safety. See FSIS’ Shelf-Stable Food Safety fact sheet for more information.
USDA is doing its part to help consumers keep food from going to waste. The Food Safety and Inspection Service is collaborating with the Food Marketing Institute and Cornell University to update the online Foodkeeper storage guide, which contains storage information on a wide variety of foods. We are also developing a mobile application for the Foodkeeper to provide consumers with another user-friendly option to access good searchable information on food storage, proper storage temperatures, food product dating, and expiration dates. Before you throw out food from your pantry or freezer, check it out. It may be just fine!
This is just one example of how Federal employees are participating in the U.S. Food Waste Challenge, sponsored by USDA in collaboration with the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). The Challenge invites producer groups, processors, manufacturers, retailers, communities, and other government agencies to join us in our efforts to help reduce, recover, or recycle food waste in the United States.
Hopefully you are working cause you like it, not cause yoy have to. I am noticing more and more seniors everywhere, but most notably in the big home improvement stores.
I totally relate to what you are saying. My mother was a packrat, she saved everything. I used to plead with her not to leave all that stuff for me to clean out when she was gone. When she passed, my sister and I spent 2 years clearing out the house. We met there twice a week, once during the week and every Saturday. My sister had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and she still helped. I was available to do it only because I had lost my job after 30 years. In the end, we never got to the garage or the basement, which was packed floor to ceiling. We had to call a trash service that came in and took it all away. I know we lost some valuable things. I am still paying for a storage unit 7 years later that holds their furniture and boxes of papers that need to be sorted through. My sister has sadly passed away. The only consolation is that I got to spend that time with her in the house we grew up in on our joint project. It brought us closer.
@@lisaleidy344 We took what we wanted from my parent’s house and called an auction company. They put everything in lots (small groups), listed them online and had an online auction that lasted five days. Once the buyers picked up their purchases, we had an empty house except for one bed and a china cabinet which we gave away for free. And we made some money. But the main thing is, it was done and over relatively quickly. Hardest part was deciding what we wanted to keep beyond photos and mementos.
So sorry, many prayers for you
@@lisaleidy344 all the papers have legally expired @ 7 years. You can just let them go.
❤
@@lisaleidy344 My SIL’s mother died suddenly and left behind mountains of stuff. Boxes upon boxes of her journals, photos, more Christmas stuff than Target, books, etc. My SIL, an only child, lived many hours away and is a teacher. She had little time to devote to a thorough clean out. After an estate sale for furniture, kitchenware, books, she called a junk removal service and almost all of it went into the trash. So sad. Her mother was an interesting and well-read woman so I’m sure her journals were fascinating as they spanned a 60+ year life journey.
This is such a raw & real video and I hope it speaks to so many people.
I am SO grateful for my Mom who has been cleaning out cupboards & downsizing her possessions. She's watched too many friends children deal with this and said "I just can't do this to you & your sister". She is giving us SUCH a gift.
I am one of the few people commenting who had a mom who downsized to a very manageable amount (my dad died young). When she developed Alzheimer’s, my sister and I could give full attention to her care and spend quality time with her. Downsizing was one of those final gifts she gave us, and I plan to pay it forward with my children. This is a video I wish ALL retired parents could hear. Well said!
My mother did the same as well. My parents were always practical and did not ever store a lot of things. As we moved from home, they offered us our beds. toys, books, etc., yay or nay. My father passed, and mom sold household things at a yard sale, extra tables, chairs, dishes, decor, etc. She moved to senior living with the necessary pieces and mementoes. She had her finances all organized into two simple accounts. Everything was streamlined for us kids. She lived to 96 years of age.
I went through this with my moms estate, I did it alone, my brother too far away to help. I learned I was not going to burden my children with the same situation. I have been down sizing what is in my home for the last couple of years. I am happy to be able to take care of this myself. I like the advice to give special belongings to love ones before they end up lost or thrown away. No strings attached. Glad I watched your video.
@@albertthompson4381 me too. After my dad's passing, my mom was fine with clearing out almost everything and moving to a small ranch home. My sisters devote time to her care and I help with finances and business from out of town. She's doing very well at 90!
Amen to that, it’s just what I’m doing.
My mother had downsized from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apartment about 2 years before she died. It really helped my sister and myself clean out her belongings.
Iove the statements : “ the best time to start is ten years ago, the second best time to begin is today”
@@KatherinePalms That is an old Asian phrase.... about planting trees 🙌
This chick is not crazy. She is beautiful, introspective, helpful, loving and insightful. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
I love that you warn us not to waste time trying to convince loved ones to downsize the hording and clutter. What a brave and selfless thing it was for you to put your feelings out there so honestly and tenderly so that others do not have those same regrets. Your message was heard and embraced!!!
@@lindaa.9741 i kinda wish you would have led with you can’t change them comment. I can’t bear the clutter in my house. I keep
Hearing I’ll go thru it next year when I have time - it’s been like that for decades. I guess I’ll go out
To the garage.
One thing you can do, though, instead of trying to convince them to get rid of stuff if they won't, is to just sort everything into plastic boxes by category, label, and put it one room or the garage. That way the living areas can be cleaned properly so the person doesn't start suffering health issues from the dust, etc. Alot of clutter can make you sick or make worse already existing health issues. Some people actually eventually die from unhealthy living spaces. And if they are seniors, Adult Protective Services can actually investigate if they get wind of it. It can be considered neglect. Even a disabled person who lives in such conditions may need intervention.
Yes...I agree that I cannot convince my loved one to part with things so I won't....but for her safety, I'm helping her to see that piles should not be all over the floors or even on the flat surfaces because of it being a fire hazard ....safety issue.
When my mum died 2 years ago, the things I found that she’d kept, my first job name tag, my report card from school, a popped balloon from my son’s first birthday … I could go on, it broke my heart and it meant everything to me … it still burns my soul right now that she kept those things. I love her so much for keeping them.
❤
I have some of those things too from my children- many of the drawings from kindergarten on, report cards, my children’s first tooth that they lost, Christmas ornaments that they made me from elementary school. Remembering all this made me cry. These items are valuable to me. I hope they will be valuable to them.
I've had to deal with 4 estates already. The worst is my hoarder mothers mess. We sold as much as we could to help pay her final expenses. It was imperative to search every book and box of paper, finding precious family history documents and pictures. My boys have already said that, with anything I leave behind, they will not Look, just chuck.
So Warned 😊 ❤
I good way of still holding onto these memories is to take a picture and put into a photo album scrapbook with descriptions. This makes it more meaningful and something you can look at all the time.
@hollisjohnson3524 I don't disagree with your choice, but for me, a picture of a memento is cold. The memento is tangible and precious, or you would not have kept it. But it is most likely only precious to you. I propose another option. A tag on the object with a short comment. For example, on ticket stub: " great to see ZZ Top with Bob & Ruth - ate at Bob's Big Boy after the show." or on a dried corsage: Prom night '72 with Jimmy...your Dad!" And put these things in a sturdy box or even a wooden box labeled "Mementos." That way, your kids/Gradkids can see them and a bit of your life thru them. But also, like a photo album, you can revisit them from time to time before you pass. Perhaps even in assisted living during some time with your caregiver, if your children live far from you, it will bring you happy memories. Just not a huge trunk! 😄
Blessings
My brother just passed away a couple of weeks ago after a long illness. We knew he wasn't going to live to be an elderly man for many years. I kept trying to talk to him about settling his affairs, such as putting his home in a trust so his daughter would not have to go through probate. His daughter is mentally ill, so I have been worried about this for years. Whenever I would bring it up he would emotionally close down. He quit talking to me. I realized I had pushed too hard and I apologized to him. I never talked about settling his affairs again. Now that he is gone I am doing my best to help his daughter even though she lives quite a distance away. I had been worried about this because my mom did not settle her affairs, either. It has been a great motivation for me to think about what I am leaving behind me. I want my son to be unburdened by my passing. For people who've called you selfish, I think that is a projection on their part. I think it is selfish to refuse to deal with your mortality and leave burdens on loved ones.
@@karenholmes6565 Could not agree more.
@@karenholmes6565 Well said!
On the other hand, my parents raised me and dealt with all the nonsense that comes with a kid. If clearing out their home will mean that I have to take two weeks off and be sore from filling a few dumpsters, then so be it. Especially my mother is a bit of a clutterer, but if stuffing HER house, which it will remain until she dies, makes her happy, who am I to judge? The problems of tomorrow can be solved tomorrow.
The people who engage in all this death-cleaning business should become aware that they do it primarily for themselves. It feels good to have one's affairs in order, because that makes life better for themselves. I know that's why I do it.
@@Volkbrecht I don't know how old you are, but most of us lose our parents when we are north of 50. Perhaps you are very privileged. You can afford dumpsters. You are physically fit so cleaning out a house would be no issue for you. But not everyone has the health, the stamina, nor the resources to hire help.
As for my situation, my son is disabled. I have to put a great deal of thought into what I am leaving behind me as a result of that. I am a bit stumped by this idea that we take care of our affairs because it feels good for us. Speaking for myself, I get very anxious when I think of my son alone dealing with my stuff. It does "feel better" to think that I won't be burdening him with loads of trash, as well as his grief. But that is only because I know from experience how hard it is to deal with an estate with few resources. I don't drive, for example. I was lucky. I had 2 years to figure out what to do with my mom's stuff. But not everyone gets that large of a time window.
I agree that it's a burden. I'm 52, and my mother is 83. Her house is so filled with furniture she didn't want from her father's sisters. So not only do I have to go through her things, but I have to go through all the things her childless aunts left her 40 years ago. I have arthritis in every joint and problems with my hands and shoulders, so I can't move furniture and boxes. I also can't afford to hire movers and trucks, or those junk removal people. I have no idea what I'm going to do and my mother won't start downsizing. She won't even let us talk to her about it and she's 83!
Two years ago my husband and I repainted our home. On this occasion, we threw away a lot of things. We donated over 100 books to a local school, gave children's games to children from friends. I also donated most of my clothes and shoes. At the end we were able to throw away the old big wardrobe in the living room and buy a new nice little chest of drawers. Now we have to clean up the documents, photos and my husband's old tools. We will do it in winter evenings. Our home is now neat, clean, airy. Our grown up children are excited too. The rooms in our home now feel bigger and smell nice because the old clutter is gone.
I am happy that we both managed to switch things in our heads.
Like your video 👍
@@flatteringkitchen Thank you for pointing out that it is a matter of changing your mindset about possessions. My husband and I are now 70, and we know our kids have their own stuff and need nothing else. We’ve already downsized by a lot, and are preparing to minimize again to the absolute necessities to go traveling full time while we can still enjoy it. We quite literally “can’t take it with us!” 😁
When Hubby and I decided to flee the cold for a warmer climate, we rented a dumpster. Even after selling or giving away as much as possible - we still filled up that dumpster! I feels great to be "lighter". When we die, our son won't inherit a burden.
It is a head thing - realizing you need to do it now - realizing no one, not even your kids want your stuff!!!!!
My old high school got rid of its library and turned it into an events space. Ugh. Thrift stores are good. Practical, mindful, old souls go to thrift stores.
@@janefoust2785 yes it feels like giving up on life when you need to throw out treasured posessions - those who declutter say if you havent used it for a year then get rid .
Loving greetings from Sweden! Heartfelt thanks for sharing. Though we Swedes have the concept of death cleaning and in general huge respect for those who start what you call: winnowing (such a good word), most of us Swedes still struggle with the material stuff, much because we all have so much psychological stuff. About feelings and losing indepence and insecure economy and how to get by. Thank you for your sincere sharing. All the best wishes for spending some remaining quality time with your mom without any discussions anymore.
in the last days Mom and I just sang the songs she remembered, looked at some photos, gave hugs and held hands. Material possessions was not on our minds anymore. My last concrete interaction with my mom was spoonfeeding her mild coffee with sugar and cream. She swallowed spoon after spoon. At the same occasion, I texted messages from her to all her grandskids - I'm not sure if she really remembered who was who, but she nodded consent, when I asked if we could write: "Nanna sends warm greetings that she loves you, (add name)" and variation on that theme. - Then the kids texted back, I read for her, and she understood that these were loving, true words from them to her. The idea with the texts was that they would be a last living farwell, in a way that messy demented telephone calls couldn't be. She receded into the "mild clouds of lost energy". Mom died a few days later, peacefully in her sleep.
You have put, and still put your children first, a better legacy no Mom can pass on. It is very true and beautiful!
From the core of your heart to the core of your mom's heart, the only eternal message is love. You've done your best about her stuff and mess, in her hearts of hearts she knows that, so trust it, and feel the love, the love that survives all.
Beautifully said. Love is what's important. Take care of yourself too. It's not easy. ❤
You just inspired me! In 1 hour I got rid of 20% of my closet.
Good job! I need to clean mine!
Yes I like doing that, makes one feel good. Have you seen the Marie Kondo series? It's all about this and how to manage your stuff. She has helpful methods and philosophy, one of which I use. She says when you want to throw something out but find it difficult, "thank the item" aloud, for how it served you and then, let it go. I do that now and it helps me let it go.
@@denisemoore6134 Yes! This has helped me let things go, too.
My MIL died last month from dementia. Cleaning out her home has been gut wrenching. In the middle of our grief, we've felt so much guilt in throwing out, donating, or selling her possessions. We've had no separation from her since her death. It's made the grieving process so much harder. She kept a beautiful home. She loved to shop. There is SO MUCH STUFF! I've cried everyday since her passing. I will never do this to my kids.
My best friend of 30 years died in April from that too & other things. We did everything together & I helped take care of her in the last 3 years. I helped her go through things at her house.😢 I have been so lost without her. Everything I do reminds me of her. 😢💔Then her husband went in a home & died last Sunday. 😢💔Then my favorite Aunt died yesterday. I am reeling with grief.😢😢😢 So sorry for your loss. 😢💔🙏🏼🙏🏽🙏🏾
Grieving, though very hard, & heartbreaking, is an important part of life & can take years to get through the worst. "By sorrow of heart the countenance is made better." (keep on living & don't sink into a permanent depression) Better to get it out in the beginning than to bury it where it comes out later in ways you don't expect.❤❤❤
Around 20 minutes in... She's doing a good job keeping it together.
I tell people to talk while you can. If they indicate that they think they may be "losing their mind" as my dear old mom put it, don't disregard. Talk about the past, talk about the family, ask questions while you can, because there'll be a point where there are no answers.
My father outlived my mother by several years, both were hoarders. All my life I dreaded the clean out of the family home, but realised quickly after trying to help him declutter that the task was going to be the same regardless of when it happened, and that he just couldnt do it, so we left it alone. It was indeed as dreadful as anticipated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for confirming it as the right thing to do. I really feel for you all.
Lived through that , we saw our parents decline and felt powerless. Our dad passed and mom couldn't live alone in the house. That is when we could clear all the stuff. They were rat packs, most of the stuff was moldy, dirty and broken.
When we visited them, we rarely discussed the state of the mess. They were too far gone in strength to start the decluttering, pass a certain age, people are unable to do this task, start early and enjoy a simpler life.
"the task was going to be the same regardless of when it happened," - Exactly
@user-lt2yy1oc8n @@comfortouch "the task was going to be the same regardless of when it happened." I would go so far as to say it was probably easier to clear everything out without your father involved. His resistance and emotional attachment to the stuff probably would have resulted in hours and hours of coaxing and/or conflict. These sorts of tasks are honestly easier to be done by someone who doesn't have that emotional attachment/resistance. And I do say this as the daughter of 2 deceased parents who never threw anything out. Obviously, dealing with their things was not easier than not having to deal with their things. I just mean it was easier for me and my siblings to deal with than it would have been for my parents to deal with.
I’m 36 and I began living with this mindset eight years ago. I’ll never regret it either. I know what I have in every drawer, cabinet, basket, bin, and so on. I even know what’s in my garage. We use and enjoy all of the things we have. It gives me peace knowing there won’t be an immense burden for my family once I’m gone. My kids have never known any different either. They won’t grow up in a cluttered and chaotic home. There is a peace and calm in our home because there isn’t overconsumption oozing out from every corner. We’re not minimalists. We just chose to live simply.
I made an earlier comment, but moved to make this one after reading many stories here, lamenting the effort to sort through parents' things. I have gone through about 75% of mine. Then, the epiphany--the world will not end if everything is just plain thrown away. My immortality is in heaven with the Lord and in the memories of my loved ones, not in one, single, thing.
@@theresamc4578 for me, I just cannot stand waste. So, I am working hard to reduce to about 25% of what I originally had (besides consumables). I rehomed and will continue to rehome until I meet my goal.
Haha! My mom would be up in heaven saying "You dumbass, why did you throw that away!"
@@theresamc4578 absolutely. Jesus said our life does not consist of our possessions. Thanks for reminder.
I recommend the Gospel of John....
I hear you.
I am single child of hoarders, in early 40s. I was also fighting to change them. Now, feel lightened and clear.
You decided to share your learning, with on going pain, just to make others life easy.
God bless you. I wish lots of love, gratitude and hope to all.
So many need to hear this! My husband and I decided to downsize last year and moved from a 4500 sq ft home with basement storage to a 1400 sq ft apartment. It about killed me, but we got rid of all of our stuff. Our children were able to take what they wanted… furniture built by their grandfather, some dishes, outdoor tools, linens, etc. Each of them had a U-Haul truck full of items that they wanted. My niece and nephew took bedroom suites, televisions, etc. I sold a ton of stuff to friends and acquaintances on Facebook - designer bags, China, Christmas China, Cherry dining room suite, piano, etc. We donated the rest and still moved too much stuff to our new apartment where we spent another three months sorting and donating.
We did this for our kids who live out of state and to free us up during these later years of our lives. We jokingly tell our kids that they “owe” us. They truly have no idea what we have done for them! I hope everyone listens to you and follows these steps.
1400 sq ft for 2 people is still too big in my opinion. How people accumulate that much stuff to fill 4500 sq ft of space is beyond me. Your children do not "owe" you because you cleaned up after yourselves...it was YOUR stuff...so YOU should deal with it! It is/was never their problem to deal with YOUR stuff. What the heck??? Maybe there's a reason they live out of state.
@@TheSwissChalet Did you not read that we “jokingly” say our kids owe us? We weren’t serious for goodness sake. They happily received like new sofas and loveseats, televisions, bedroom suits, handmade furniture, china, books, etc. We were happy to give it to them and our niece and nephew.
We have been married almost 50 years and had stuff from both of our parent’s homes. It took a while to accumulate and we unloaded it all in 16 days.
I can’t understand how you can be so negative and rude. I was simply supporting the idea of Swedish death cleaning FOR your children and loved ones.
If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
@@patsycathcart1 your original post demonstrated how much value you place on your “things”. In this post you continue to list all the material items…how great they were… “new” condition, “handmade”, etc. You accumulated it over 50 years, but never stopped one time to look and assess the amount of inventory you accumulated? Everyone has stuff, not just you. Your adult children have their own stuff, their own lives, and yes, their “stuff” is as good a quality as your stuff, although it appears by your descriptions that you are convinced your stuff is “the good stuff”. Listen, this UA-camr is trying to explain to everyone that no one wants the stuff of YOUR life. People have their OWN LIVES. Not everyone wants or values a full bedroom suit…that someone else picked out! Not everyone values China, multiple television sets (I don’t have a single television let alone multiple, because I DON’T WANT ONE). I’m over 50 and am embarrassed at how my parents and their cohorts prioritize material objects. Their McMansions and burgeoning basements are the “trophy” of their lives. They also fail to view their adult children as adults, who have their own lives. I do believe that is a generational phenomenon. The over-consumption is/was ridiculous. If you support death cleaning FOR someone, then why would it ever cross your mind that they “owe” you? You say you’re “joking”. But in your mind, you really think you did someone a favor. That is mind blowing.
@@TheSwissChalet - our children went through our home with FaceTime and decided what they wanted, followed by other relatives.
@@TheSwissChalet You can just stop replying to my post as you are missing the point… and you are mean spirited. You don’t know what is in my mind. If my kids and friends da didn’t want it, we gave it away. No one was forced to take unwanted belongings.
For some, obviously not you, it is a huge task to rid oneself of a lifetime of stuff and there is a sense of loss that you wouldn’t be able to understand. So, spare me your remarks and go find someone else to troll.
Such a powerful video. I was you 7 years ago with my parents, one of whom had Alzheimers and one who was physically declining quickly. Both resisted leaving their 'home' which had 50 years of accummulation. I am amazed at your wisdom at the comment about not arguing with them as they will not change. Make your peace (and plan ahead financially) so you can enjoy the days remaining when their minds are clear and their hearts are lightened by the presence of their children who seek only to share time. I didn't get it then. Many won't now. Because we think if we are right-fighting, we'll be able to convince them. But you nailed it: we can't change other people. THank you for honesty.
My heart goes out to you. Such important advice for those willing to listen.
Oh gosh, this video really resonates with me. I lost my mum 5 months ago. She was full time carer for Dad who has Alzheimer's so he is now in a care home. I have been dealing with all this virtually single handed (my husband has been helping too), clearing their house, and sorting out their finances all the while spending as much time with Dad as I can. SMS means so much stuff. I'm getting there with the house clearing but because they had lovely things, and I want to keep everything, our own house is getting hugely cluttered. We don't have kids so not sure who will have it to sort out when we're gone.
Same with my parents
@@fionahunt8530So sorry you have to deal with this. But are you sure you really want to keep everything? If what you really want to keep are the memories each item has for you, then I recommend you take a photo of the item, then sell or donate it so someone else can enjoy it and you can keep the memories while having your space back. Hard? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Best wishes to you. ❤
Thank you so much for this video. Your strength is overwhelming. We fear we too will be facing this with our remaining parents ( one parent for each of us). Your words have not fallen on deaf ears. Things are just things ultimately, but time is so precious and can’t be replaced. I’m taking your message to heart and will try to shift my priorities from here forward. Thank you Jen for this important lesson💝
The people who called you selfish, must never have cleaned up after their hoarder loved one died. My younger sister was an organized hoarder and her dying for me was nightmare enough, but having to go through her things and throw them away was so difficult; physically, emotionally and Spiritually. I have been death cleaning before the book even came out because I never want my kids to have to go through what I had to go through.
One problem is that so many people think hoarding only looks like what they see on the tv shows. They don’t understand that typical hoarding looks very different. When my mother passed, her house was organized to perfection- because she was highly skilled in organizing (and hiding her hoards). The house was beautiful. But there were QVC boxes that had remained un-opened for years (and I’m talking the postal brown boxes were not even opened!). My dad is the same: everything is folded neatly and closed away in cupboards, or bins, or trunks, or boxes and bags. But it’s still excessive. It just doesn’t look like “hoarding”.
Y is throwing out things hard
It’s not urs, u pd nothing for it
@@YeshuaKingMessiah So she had, very early in her comment, made the point that the people who don’t get it, must never have had to go through it. And it has nothing to do with the cost of an item.
Margaret Magnussen’s book came out 20 years ago and is a great little read. It’s not new and neither is the process that was shared.
@@YeshuaKingMessiah Sentimentality. And because it is wasteful.
We’re 63 and downsizing from a large home to a small condo. I’m watching my husband despair over his and my father’s tools. I’m drinking wine, watching here, because I can’t face my kitchen items. This is sooooo timely.
You're doing the right thing!
Trust me- make a photo book!! Take pictures of the tools and kitchen items. You and hubby can pull it out and look at the photos when you feel lonely for those items- but trust me, I doubt you will look at it very often! Good luck on your new adventures!
I am 60 and I am still working on my house. I am adding doghouse dormers right now. Why does everyone want to downsize? I can't imagine being trapped in a tiny space as I age. I want the space to move around especially as I begin to spend more time at home.
@@sallibra7924 that’s a great idea…thank you!
Think about blessing a young person or new immigrant with those tools. Help others get started
My mom passed in March. She has Vascular Dementia. Before I realized this, I continually nagged her to address her things, take her meds, etc. I so regret not accepting or understanding what was happening. I could have spent this time just enjoying her company and asking her about her life. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you thank you thank you! Just what I needed. I am on the verge of turning 72. My mother died at 69, my sister at 74, my brother just passed at 79. All I have left is my niece and she went through this with her mother and father ( my brother). After hearing your story my birthday present to myself will be to lift this burden to my darling niece now.
Let the purge begin! I just might enjoy the process.
About your mom, tell her everything you want to say. Even if she doesn’t understand, just say it and move on. Enjoy the time you have with her. Tell her about the crazy lady in the Netherlands that wrote to you and cried the whole time. Bless you Jen.
Thanks, Kris
Blessings to you sweet sister.
Blessings to you Kris💙
Selfish--give me a break. I have been where you are. I spent time doing the cleaning and couldn't grieve. And my parents had downsized in advance. You have to put hands on every spoon, fork, knife--everything. Then wait until you come across something that was part of their lives, but nothing you want. It was the most challenging thing I have been through. All the kids and grandkids already had homes and furniture - they took one or two things that meant something to them and left the rest for a few of us to deal with. Kids grandkids, friends don't want your stuff! Everything you said in the video is so true. Best of luck to you.
💯 I found this out when we sold the family home and asked the kids to come take whatever they wanted. Their reply, “we don’t want anything; it’s not our style. Just the photo albums.” It was a huge wake-up call that the things we had collected over a lifetime were not important. ❤️
@@birdiebee2594 I did this last year. Took 7 months. I swear there wasn't one single thing in her house that i didn't touch. My mom is now in assisted living. After the estate sale, and then the "FREE" event, there was still a lot of stuff. Then I spent the next 5 months getting her house repaired, cleaned, and on the market. Took 5 months to sell. My mom was angry with me for "just throwing her things away" even tbough I'd begged her for years to go thru her things and make those decisions herself. I wasted a year, the most stressful year of my life. I'm now going through my own things--selling, donating, shredding, throwing away. My mom had dozens and dozens of years of bank statements, tax statements, greeting cards she'd received over the last 20 years. And now at Assisted Living, she is saving bank statements, financial monthly statements, greeting xards, cheap holiday things that her friend brings her.....I'll have to do this whole thing all over again when she dies. On a lesser scale, but still. I love the Swedish Death Cleaning process.
I will take my Mum's things and use them and treasure them and I've asked to have first refusal to buy the house if it goes up for sale. Remember many of us are being destroyed by divorce so inherited items may be more valuable after that fact. I found a comfort in the familiarity of my home town where I grew up and my mother's house and her things after losing the life I tried to build in my marriage. But I hope she will live many more years still. Just a different perspective.
My kids want nothing...my mom loved pewter and Americana and I followed in her steps...but my children have absolutely no interest...the stuff is worth something but not a fortune.
1. Get rid of all the trash.
2. Buy fewer quality items instead of a lot of cheaply made items (like handbags). Jen has decided to get rid of two things for every new thing she brings into her home.
3. Practice winnowing (separating good stuff from your junk). Document or label things you want to give to your loved ones.
4. Corral those things so its easy to locate those things. Consider giving those things to loved ones now rather than later.
5. You can't control or change others.
Agree about buying a few good quality items. Much better than buying a whole lot of cheap stuff.
Number 4: by the time my mom decided to part with some of her cherished items and give them to me I was already in the stage of life where I was starting to get rid of stuff. That’s when I decided to give my children the option to have some of my things, if they wanted them, no pressure. I wanted them to have what they wanted, while they still had time to enjoy those items. I have told them when I’m gone not to feel obligated to keep things just because they were mine. The things my mom gave me I would have really enjoyed earlier in my life but by the time she gave them that time had passed.
I would add: have one notebook/etc. that your nearest relatives know about and can quickly find which has all information and instructions on how/where to find original items that will be needed if you are hospitalized, infirmed, or die. Update it yearly (quarterly).
You may know where everything is, but they don't. They are likely to be upset and won't be able to remember what you said a few visits ago. They won't know what bills need to be paid when. They won't know who to call. They won't know your current medications. They won't remember that you changed doctors.
And label things!! Keepsake for so and so etc
@@bcase5328good advice!😊
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I am a minimalist and my husband is not. He is 81; I’m 74. Occasionally I get on him to get rid of a shop and garage full of tools and plumbing and electrical parts, and other paraphernalia that he hasn’t seen for years, and suggest that he doesn’t subject his kids to having to deal with it when he’s gone. The reality is that these days our children don’t want our stuff.
My husband and I are a bit younger, but the same. I can’t change him (I’ve tried!) so I’ve already apologized to my children if I pass away first. 😊
Jen, I am SO glad I watched your video. I’m a 77 year old widow and live in the home that my husband‘s parents built and lived in for many years as did my husband and I after they passed. Needless to say, there has been a huge accumulation of stuff that needs to be thinned out before I die. Like you, I do not want to leave my stepson and stepdaughter and their respective children with the monumental task of cleaning out this house after I’m gone. Because of your video, I plan to tackle one room at a time, getting rid of all the stuff that is no longer needed or wanted. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This is an emotional one for me. I have spent the last 5 years ( yes 5) clearing out my in-laws house. These are not my parents, they are my husband's parents and not people who treated me very well so it has been with some resentment that I have committed time to doing this. They lived in a very large house and both of them eventually went into care recently. I was dragged into this when my father-in-law decided the house needed painting. My husband is an only child and he was very ill went this was decided. Every room had to be emptied so the painters could get to walls, move heavy furniture etc. It injured me physically and mentally. and then when it was all to be unpacked and put back he asked that I sort it. It's been years of boxes. I will never do this to my kids or my daughter in law. EVER. Time that I could have spent with my husband, who has cancer and has limited life expectancy was spent sorting out other peoples crap. and I resent it.
Why did you not tell them no?
You are a lot kinder than I am. It would’ve all gone to the dump.
@@Imzadi Exactly!
@@shelleysunandstars she may have done it for her husband’s sake; who else might have done it?
When this is all over you will realize you have given away your own precious life for another person's things. Stop now. I can say this because I am 81 and have gone through this myself. No thing is more important than time with your loved ones.
I started this journey in my early 50’s during covid. I was quarantined upstairs in my guest rooms and took a good hard look at the extra stuff filling these spaces. I realized if something happened to me, I wouldn’t want my girls to have to navigate through all of my stuff. If I didn’t want to do it, why would they? My journey continues today and I actually enjoy taking my time going through the memories while I slowly downsize my possessions. Jen is right, quality over quantity is where it’s at.
I’ve had to do this 3 times now: my parents, in-laws, and this spring/summer for a friend with no local family who was going into assisted living. It is just an awful process. So many people my age laugh and say their kids will just have to deal with it. Yes, they will and they will have a really hard time forgiving you. When we cleared out my father-in-law’s place, he was in the ICU in a hospital 40 miles away. Instead of spending time with his dad, my husband could only spend a short time each day with him because we had so much stuff to dispose of. It was the worst week of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, much less my loved ones.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Your message is very important. My aunt, 89, died a few years ago. She was a hoarder. I did not realise to what extent. She even kept empty chocolate boxes. Sorting her things out was left to my father-her cousin. He was 78 at the time. I remember him going to the house every day to locate and sort through papers so that nothing personal would get into the wrong hands. Ultimately, he gave up when he thought he had found most of it - he never went through everything. It was impossible. The house was sold to someone who also agreed to clear it out. Never mind not finding valuable things; this is the least problematic, but paper stuff, diaries, etc., should not be left somewhere. In contrast, my parents cleared out their house and invited people around to pick out things they wanted to take, and slowly, they reduced. They now live in a small flat. I am grateful to them. This was not easy.
We have also started evaluating and reducing our possessions. When I need motivation, I need to remind myself of my aunt.
I want to say right now I appreciate my mom SO MUCH! She has never been a shopper or a hoarder, she has always lived by “if in doubt, throw it out,” and taught me if you haven’t looked in a box for a year you can throw it out without looking in it*. Not she is in assisted living and starting to have some memory loss. When we moved her apartment, she told us to take anything we wanted or could use and not to hesitate to thow stuff out or donate it. It helps that she downsized twice (two other previous moves) before going into assisted living. And rather than us taking her kicking and screaming (metaphorically speaking), she was the one who realized, and told us, she was no longer safe to live alone. Through her lifelong habits and priorities, she 100% spared us everything you are talking about here. So my purpose for thanking you for this video may be a little different - thank you for seeing how much I have to appreciate in my dear Mom, 88 years now.
*obviously with some exceptions for well organized boxes of important things etc.
That was a great story/comment!💕
You probably won't see this, but I have to comment. I just want to say thank you. While watching this I am packing to head to my parent's house. They live across the country so I don't make this trip as often as any of us would like. My mom was diagnosed with dementia nine years ago. It's been a relatively slow progression, and I'm thankful to still have time to have the conversations you described, but I had big plans for this trip. I have a list of things I wanted to discuss (the amount of stuff in their house is UNREAL), argue, figure out...I just threw it away. It doesn't matter. She (nor my dad) are going to make these changes. I have completely changed my gameplan and have decided to make some memories for myself and be selfish with this time to just have fun and be her daughter. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing during this time. I think you may have just given me and my mom (and probably my dad as well) a huge gift.
My parents had a giant hoard of stuff. One workshop was 2500 sf with a narrow walkway throughout huge piles. I hired two guys to clear it out though I kept a few items. There is no reason to fret over stuff. Find the important documents. Then save a little money and pay for a haul away upon their death. I used metal recyclers and kept a lot out of the landfill. It is really very simple.
@@katefrench5270 I hope you're having a lovely visit with your parents, and making fun summer memories, that you and your Dad can cherish for years~ I'm impressed by your ability to take in a new message and perspective, and apply it to your own situation.
@@carollynt For me, I think it's that they are on the west coast and I'm on the east. I'm the only living child and they not only have their crazy amount of stuff (my mother collects antique furniture) but also my grandmother's stuff (mom got her love of antiques from my grandmother). At the end of the day, I'll hire a company to manage it. I've wanted them to downsize for years, we've talked about it for years. I need to leave it be and just move on, knowing they won't change and at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
@@spiralali I think, sometimes, you are fed the right video, when you're in the right head space, at the perfectly right moment.
I am not sure if you are going to see this comment. But here it is. I am sending you the biggest hug! For what you have gone through with her house and the cleaning. And for the missed times and conversations with your mom.
Such a nice comment ❤
Hire someone for an estate sale…..you can’t “make” people do anything.
@@lindsayhead2943 ❤️
I went thru this in 2017 with my mother. It is one most difficult things I have ever gone thru. I am currently passionate about going thru my things and make sure this never happens to my children.
I did not clean out my Father’s room for about a month after he was gone. That was in the early 90’s.
When my husband died three years ago, I cleaned the next day.
I’m now getting rid of extra stuff. It is so uplifting!
I’m seventy next month, not in bad health, just over having stuff I don’t need.👍
I am decluttering before I dont have the energy to do it anymore. Good of you to have a simpler life.
I hear you and take your words to heart. I have no family to leave stuff to. Thanks for motivating an 80 year old to get rid of her junk!
Good for You. God Bless You!
I'm in my 60's & as you have no family.
I'm considering suggesting to my landlord that since I have no survivors, that the security deposit be used to clear out apt. I regularly do "fall" season clear out donations.
I'm thinking of inviting ladies from church to come by & choose what they like from the pretty unnecessary lead crystal & such. Not computer literate to sell on line
I live in another country from my now 92 year old mother. I have periodically visited in order to help her sort through her stuff (nothing on the scale of your mother’s!)and recently in preparation for her move to a smaller apartment. It was a very special time for us, with lots of good conversations and laughter. She was a young girl during the war and I think her “too much” things may have been due to that. It felt really important to me to let her make the decisions about what needed to go, and I was taking a carload a day to the wonderful recycling center. She is now living a greatly simplified, but beautiful life with fewer pieces, but ones that she loves and/or needs. Many times I said how great it was that we were doing this together now, rather than after she has gone. In my own life I practice all your lessons and have for many years. I LOVE the feeling of lightness that comes when finding a new home for something we no longer need! I have always loved the William Morris quote “have nothing in your home that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
I SO agree with you. My husband and I are in our seventies and sadly had to sort through our younger daughter's personal things when she died suddenly. It was emotionally devastating and we have made the decision to save our other daughter from this trauma. We have been ruthless; love letters and cards exchanged, poems written to me by my husband, all burnt. We don't need them, we have our memories. We've looked at lots of things and made some harsh decisions. We've shared, with our daughter what we've been doing, she is very grateful, and understanding, of our decision. Things like family photos she has chosen to take possession of, other things we have agreed upon as a family. We both have also written down our funeral plans, again, to make things easier. We have a box that we've put in all important documents, financial and insurance information, together with our wills. Our daughter knows where this is. Whether we die or have to go into a nursing home, at least we have eased her burden.
This certainly struck a nerve. I have 5 storage units filled with stuff, from my parents, (both long passed), my older sister (passed more recently) and from my former marriage (divorced decades ago). As well as my own house, with my own stuff. I encouraged my nieces to look through and take what they wanted, and they did. But it barely made a dent. Now, I've been going through and donating or selling. I run into decision fatigue, where I just can't make another decision. Or, looking at some things brings back old memories and fresh grief. And I become very emotional. I wish I had done this long ago. But, one storage unit is almost empty now, and I will be informing the storage company that I am done with it. One down, 4 to go, Plus the house.
I went through this recently after my father died. I had to clean out his house to get it ready to sell. He didn’t buy a lot of stuff but he never threw anything away. He had every tax return back to the 1940’s, check books going back years, boxes for everything he bought stored in the basement. We burnt up 2 shredders just getting rid of the paperwork. He saved shoestrings out of old shoes. It was exhausting and I vowed then not to do this to my kids. However, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted after all of this, that I have not followed through with getting my own house in order. Thank you for the reminder. And be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can right now and that is enough.
Exact same story for me… mom wasn’t a hoarder, just never threw anything away. 65 years in the same house and a 1,000 sq storage building. It took me almost a year, the house just sold this week. Lots of guilt with throwing away and donating everything, but I did my best to honor her wishes.
We lost my father last year and my mother has Alzheimer’s. My father was very organized and kept everything too. I tried to start going through things when mom got sick. My dad even purged a few things. It wasn’t until we lost my father unexpectedly that I really started purging. Unfortunately, my brother who still lives there and does take care of my mom is a hoarder. I would clean the house for my parents after mom got sick. I can’t because my brother’s crap is taking over the house. It makes me want to purge my house now. I will say I took all the pictures and stuff that we can scan and post on Ancestry. So I have a lot of stuff for that overtaking my house currently. I do enjoy all the letters that he got in my grandmas stuff when she died. A lot of it is from the wars. I am glad to have that stuff. Other things need to just go.
My mom is still at home but not overly mobile. So I started sorting and getting rid of stuff while she was in her room. There is a lot to still get through but I do not ask. She will never know at this point unless she sees me do it. She thinks she isn’t in her home anywhere. She keeps asking when she is going home. It is a terrible disease. My dad was starting to get that way and was worse than we initially thought before he passed from pneumonia. My dad took such good care of my mother too.
Im so glad this video popped up. My parents passed when i was 30, 34 yrs old, not horders but still a big house. 4 daughters to fight over "stuff". Now I'm over 66 and starting to consign my large Hummel collection. 1st I offered to family. Some wanted a few, others nothing. I have a hobby of card making and " collected" supplies over 22 years. People love my cards ( don't sell them) but I rarely got rid of old rubber stamps, etc. Now I'm thinking a lot about it, turning to a Buy Nothing group in my area to unload excess. Thank you. ❤
There are a lot of people who are new to junk journaling, scrapbooking, etc., and we get a lot of our supplies from people who are downsizing their stashes of supplies. It's a win-win.
My mum has downsized to a one bed retirement flat, so was forced to declutter then. She was never a horder but a 4 bed home naturally accumulated stuff. She's now very organised, including a big red envelope on her mantlepiece, for things to do immediately when she dies and a binder of things to do that are a bit less urgent. I've copied that idea. Thanks mum!
My grandmother passed away last night and her house is so full of stuff. She lived in a huge Victorian home since 1960 and I’m not exaggerating when I say there is a room in her house with stacks and stacks of magazines. I too am doing my best to make sure my children don’t have to go through these things. Thank you for making this video.
I'm sorry to hear of your loved ones passing. Sending many wishes of hope and strength to you.
My mom passed in April and she was a hoarder. Going through her stuff has been a disgusting, emotionally exhausting and painful experience. Im only 35, but Im definitely reevaluating my own consumption.
Thanks for the video, Jen!
(And BTW, you hair look AMAZING!!)
I really appreciated this video. I was recently thrown into a similar situation. For anyone who hasn’t lived this…do not throw stones. The stress of dealing with care, medical needs, etc whilst trying to declutter a lifetime of stuff had me in tears not once but many times. I think I may have had a few panic attacks thrown in for good measure.
Love and prayers to you, my friend. I too am juggling the financial, safety, housing, and medical needs of my 87 y/o mother who has dementia. She lives in the house that her and my dad shared for 55 years. They were both hoarders... the house is falling apart. I am falling apart.
As a person who had to settle the affairs of two family members, I have been on a multi-year decluttering journey myself. I no longer mindlessly buy & my purchases are now intentional. I've offered up some items to family & what they didn't want has been donated or left in front of my house with a "free" sign for anyone who wanted / needed it. Jen, I'm watching your video at 2:15am & your message has touched me. So much so that I'm bawling my eyes out for what you're going through 😢. I wish you & your mom all the best.
Putting out by the curb is a great idea! My son & I had been doing a part-time outreach since 2005 to pass out needed items for mostly children at community gatherings. Since over a year ago, I set up a table in front of my son's camper with free stuff. Sometimes people donate, but I am now adding my own stuff as I sort through it. My best friend who passed away in April, actually started a free store in her community a long time ago. I decided to keep her store going, in a sense, so I put her name on the sign.
I think this has been, in a strange way, a gift from your mom. It gives you the opportunity to make better choices and to spend more time with your sons and relatives sharing those special memories and stories you want to pass down. Thank your allowing us to learn from your journey.
If you do nothing else for your children and yourself...declutter your PAPER!🎉
My mom passed 5 years ago. Moved what could not be dealt with to my home. I am STILL working it. Paper checks from 1959 and forward. Paper from granparents who passes in the 1970s. If you do nothing else declutter your PAPER. Stuff is easy by comparison.
Long after my husband died, I found a collection of letters my husband had kept from when he was stationed in Alaska while we were engaged. I read, wept, and disposed of them. I told my children about it, but those words were not for others to see.
Great advice.
@@theresamc4578 I have a box of letters, from 1969 to 2014, written to me by my penfriend. Yes 40 years as penfriend. It's like a diary. We each visited each other's country twice. She has passed. Her country went from communism to democracy in that period. The letters are almost history! Don't know where they will end up when I pass.
@@denisemoore6134 That's really neat. This sounds like something that could be published!
@@colleenjohnson5902 Yes well mostly it's day to day living type letters. In the early years some of my letters or gifts to.her were confiscated with censorship. To begin I did not understand what communism was, I was 16 and nobody taught us about it. Not at school.or did our parents. It wasn't until I visited her when I was 30 in 1984, and I heard her stories that I realized what went on properly. At that point she wasn't allowed to come here to Australia. After communism fell in Europe in 1989/1990, then she was able to travel.outside the Eastern Bloc.She came to me and stayed six months in 1992. We were very good friends. I had 4 children and she had one. Her granddaughter came here in 2001 aged 14 and went to high school with mine.
The story of "us" is way too.long for here, 40 years penfriends. I still have her letters but I don't think.her family kept mine.
I feel like you were specifically talking to me and my situation in this video. I'm a 41 yr old Mom of 5. My Mom was diagnosed with Early onset dementia 2 years ago an she was sentimental hoarder formost of my life. I have 3 siblings, but I'm the only one who stayed local and everything fell on me. I'm not trying to sound all "poor mee", but MAN that sucked trying to empty her packed home, sell it and try to navigate her to the right care living situation. I have since made it my mission to make sure my kids don't have the same mess to deal with. My Mom is still living, but she already doesn't know me. Nothing hurts like your Mom forgetting you. I am grieving someone who is still here. And now I'm crying. Ugh 💔 Our relationship was strained during my adult years, but despite that. I really just miss my Mom.
😢❤
❤
Oh Jen, my heart goes out to you. We walked this journey March 2020. My MIL died March 12 2020.
She had a house a little bigger than your mom’s. She grew up in an era of saving every flippin thing.
I have told my boys I would not do this to them.
Getting mad is also a form of grieving and you are allowed to have those feelings. I am so sorry you are going through this.
You need to forgive yourself for the loss of time.
Getting mad is also a form of grieving - sadly, so true!
Thank you for your message. Hopefully who ever reads this will not put their kids thru sorting their stuff. It took me 8 months to clean my Moms home. My brother lived in Az and my sister just started a new business and was there when she could. When I finally finished I found that the nieces and nephews wanted very little of Moms stuff. If they did want it I literally spent several hundred dollars sending it to them. Then I had a heart attack. My husband and I were building our dream home in another state to be close to our only daughter. She had just had a baby. Our 1st grandchild. What should have been the happiest time of my life was mired in my mom’s clutter. I’m sure if Mom knew this was going to happen she would have cleared out earlier but she was still youngish and died unexpectedly. When we moved we took 73 boxes of her good stuff with us to sort at a later time. Eventually I donated it to a charity shop.
65 years old, just retired, and could fit my belongings I the back of a Subaru Forester, now I don’t have the Forester and getting close to a bed and my backpack with the associated kit. Do the purge, give it away you’ll feel free.
I appreciate your video. I have a 91 year old mother who has Alzheimer's. It's extremely difficult and sad to watch. I have a sibling that shares the care taking responsibilities with me. I have spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to downsize at least a little bit to no avail. Now when I try to get rid of things if she sees you doing it she will tell everybody that you are stealing from her. It's a terrible feeling to feel like you have to sneak things out of the house because the task itself is very overwhelming. My mother lives in a 3500 square foot home that is packed with things. Little by little I have been getting things out that need to be shredded or can be easily taken to a thrift store..... I am sending you a huge hug and encouragement for the difficult time you are in right now. Your video helped me not feel so alone.❤
You are absolutely not alone. Hang in there.
I feel for you. I was a caregiver for over 20 yrs. As well as my Beautiful moms 24/7 care giver in her home, now my home.
For 4 wonderful years I worked in a MEMORY CARE FACILITY,, and we were trained as to their specific needs and behaviors. 19 residents. One important thing I learned is that “ clutter” and lots of “ stuff” even familiar, makes ALZHIEMERS worse. It is overwhelming to them. So things were kept very simple,, sparse , and little areas with things they lived to do and touch.
One lovely lady just adored a pile of fabric pieces to stack / feel/ organize because she used to quilt.
Music,, soft low pretty music calmed them. Dolls,, etc for the ladies were comforting.
You have to make the clutter “ disappear” when your Mom is occupied with another project. You will see a difference and bless you for being her caregiver ❤❤❤❤
You are lucky to have a sibling that shares the load, I've often seen the children who do all the care get shafted by the children that only visited for Christmas sweep in and take all the valuables and then demand half of the money once everything is cleared up and sold!!
@@lynettefinnigan9540yes..very sad😢
@MP-fk9em Oh my your story is almost identical to mine. Mom is 90, has dementia, lives alone with her old blind/deaf dog, in a 3200 sq feet house. Been trying to get her to move for years. She laughs and jokes about what a 'wonderful time' I'm going to have going through her things after she dies. It keeps me up at night.
Went through this with my folks 6 years ago. They lived in a small house so it wasn't as bad as what you experienced. My sister and I did it all...rented the dumpster and filled it, had a big garage sale. Cleaned the interior and hired a yard maintenance person to get the grounds sale ready. They moved to senior living and dad just passed away in March. Mom is now in memory care. I have the same regrets of not having had the meaningful conversations. And now it's the long goodbye with mom. I have started Swedish death cleaning myself. So much to do. I completely understand your message and I thank you for the reminder. We buy too much crap.
My husband came back from running errands to find me crying in the kitchen while I was watching the end of your video. Your video was like looking into a crystal ball and seeing my future. Thank you so much for making it. I have tried having conversations with my parents but the effects have been minimal. The time spent cleaning rather than just being with your loved ones is something I hadn't even thought of. I doubt that my parents have either. Family is everything to my parents. Maybe if I approach the conversation from that point of view I will have better success. I wish you strength and love in your journey with your mom.
Just take all valuables, personal items, and let go of everything else. Put things out with a FREE sign on the curb, it will be taken, believe me.
Don’t stress yourself, it’s just stuff. Call a demo company or an estate company.
I once saw picture frames in a thrift shop that still had old photos in them (heart breaking).
My dear MIL died suddenly 9 years ago today. She had *so* much stuff! Much of it was valuable, but the sheer volume was overwhelming. My FIL wasn't able to deal with all of it, so we did the best we could, but it really made an already awful time even worse. Your advice is absolutely correct.
You are speaking my story in real time. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. My mom's home is being cleaned out by strangers and placed in dumpsters and a few pieces being sold off. It is devastating. I too spent time talking about the stuff rather than talking to her. My mom has transitioned. My sister and brother are in ither states and I'm 8hrs away. Not enough time to do what I thought needed to be done. I've cried and screamed and laughed throughout this journey that I am still on today. Thank you. I'm extending Love to you and your mom. Hold her hand and kiss her cheeks.
Your friend Kristine ❤
My dad passed away nearly 3 years ago at 95. Mom, almost 98, remains in their home. Thankfully, they didn't have a basement! I began going through their home at Mom's pace when Dad became ill. I'm still at it, and am going through my own home as well. I'm 77, and I, too, decided to make sure my children don't face the burden I found myself carrying. Many donations made, sorting continues. But I now know what's in mom's home and can quickly unload it. Problem...telling siblings there is a time limit, and if items are wanted, it's now or never. Those not going through it, don't get it. Mom also promised items to multiple people. Yep. Fun.
I started going through my parents home after my mom died (91) Then again 2 years later when we moved dad into our home. Trying to toss however was hampered by my dad who kept stopping me or rescuing items while telling anyone who would listen what a terrible thing I was doing. I am not a minimalist either, I have a rather cluttered home so I wasn't trying to toss anything worth while to keep. When he told the district nurse I threw away his medication and I told her it expired 10 years ago he got no sympathy then lol. He did at least relinquish control over his shed and we did a sale on all of its contents. But even with going through twice we still had to rent storage. Once dad passed last year (93) I went through what was left doing the Swedish death cleaning with no one to stop me. Well almost no one, my husband was like "I could have sold that!" When I gave away a TV and stand to one of my daughters friends for free. It had sat there for months gathering dust.
This is one of the first times I was thankful to be an only child who had nobody else to answer to. Now I am looking at our own overflowing stuff and starting on that as I do not want to leave this mess to my own children. Again it's my husband who is stopping me from doing a proper job of it as he has not got to this downsize mindset yet.
@@joandsarah77Keep going darling your husband will following soon enough. My husband is the same. I just started with all my stuff and I include the kitchen as I cook and clean in there so he doesn’t care about that stuff well maybe a few things and I do ask permission to get rid of those. We are both 60 and I’ve been going through stuff steadily for years but still living my life too. Hubby see me doing all this and is staring to get rid of more of his stuff now that he is retired.
@@joandsarah77 Do it gradually when he goes out!
Boy did I hear you today! We just finished cleaning out and selling my father-in-law‘s home after he passed away. He had three generations of possessions to go through while we were grieving. It was awful, awful, awful and my husband and I became very resentful. We don’t have any children and I would never want a niece or a nephew to have to go through our things and experience that -thank you for sharing what you do!!!
My mom downsized when she was in her early 80's from her beautifully kept up, 3 story home to a senior apartment. She took care of getting most of her furniture sold to a dealer, selling the house, shredding old paperwork, etc. She really did not have much in the way of garbage because she had been participating in her community yard sales for at least a decade prior to that and had gotten rid of a lot of things before the big purge for downsizing. We have been so lucky that she did that. I can not imagine having to do this under the pressure of a health emergency or after your loved one has passed and you are in the depths of grieving them. It's hard enough to lose a parent and then to have to get rid of their things, often in a very unceremonious manner, would be so gut wrenching. I know that I will never leave a mess for my own kids to deal with and have already started the paring down process, myself.
Good for you. Be pretty complete, and
Git 'er done! Thumbs up. :-)
This video has made me think about doubling down on getting rid of a lot of the things in my house. I have been working on this for about two years ago. I recently told my only son that whatever might be left when I pass he has my permission to dispose of any way he needs to without any guilty feelings. And because I have recently recommitted to a healthier lifestyle all together, I cleaned out a few cabinets in my kitchen that were full pots and pans and lids for which there was no pot! I went on Amazon and bought myself a very good quality saute pan that will replace about 8 pans I have disposed of. It was quite expensive but as you mentioned with your mom's purses, one quality item can replace many cheaper items. I'll be cooking my healthy meals in this pan later this week!! Believe it or not, I had somewhat of an emotional attachment to the pots and pans because my husband loved to cook and used to do most of the cooking. He passed away less than a year ago. My lifestyle has changed and my belongings need to keep up.
Sorry for your loss. I can relate to the emotional attachment to things because your loved one is tied to them in some way. It is great you are aware of that and can hopefully do a little healing as you go on.
I lost my mom last year. Sewing was her thing and she was amazing at it!! I have started sewing again and am grateful for the fabrics she left me but boy oh boy, do I need the thread and zippers from thirty years ago?!? 😊
I was too young to remember much about my grandmother's death and her preparations, but I do know that she labeled everything. Every photo was labeled on the back with the names and year. Her jewelry was labeled with the origin, etc as well as who she wanted it to go to after her death. It was immensely helpful.
I think we should all live minimally, so we never have to do a Swedish Death Cleaning. I have done this since 2021, and I am 65. Sold, donated, tossed.
Some of us aren’t minimalists (and don’t want to be). But we can curate our possessions so things are easier for those we leave behind. Not everything we own is a treasure.
The longer I live, and the more homes of deceased loved ones I clear out, the more minimalist I become.
I can’t imagine anyone watching this video thinking that you are crazy. I just kept thinking about how kind you were to let all of us know not to waste precious time with our parents on meaningless stuff. My mother also had Alzheimer’s disease; before anyone really knew what it was, in the 1980s. We too had to leave our family home as dad had died a few years earlier. I will never forget looking at my mom‘s dining room table for sale on the front lawn. Her pride and joy was sold for just a few dollars to complete strangers. I hope you can have at least one more meaningful conversation with your mom.❤️
I cleaned out my parents' incredibly full house ten years ago, and I also returned home determined to save my children from having to go through the same thing.
I started tearing up when you discussed the lost quality time with your Mom. I feel the same way. I lost so much quality time with my Mom before her dementia kicked into high gear. Instead I was always doing projects, repairing her home, cleaning and clearing out and all she really wanted was for us to hang out and visit. Wish I’d heard this in 2015. 😢 Thank you for sharing so maybe those with living, healthy parents will focus on the important relationship they have with them.
My mother is constantly getting rid of stuff now and my dad has tons of stuff he doesn't seem to be able to sort and get rid of. I see both sides and I'm glad to see you address that. I sometimes remind my mom that if this brings him comfort and he finds joy in those things I'm not wanting to see his last years (?) filled with constant bickering and anger over it. When my grandmother moved to an assisted living center, she was pretty much heartbroken the rest of her life and felt betrayed about how her collections were sorted and discarded without her approval.
I'm just going to say a loud AMEN because I just lived this! My 93 year old mom passed 4 months ago and I identified with everything you just shared. Like you, I learned what I need to do NOW for my kids and I'm starting the process. you are right on target and you will get through this. Because of dementia, I was mourning the loss of my beloved mom months before she passed.
Jen, my 78yr old mom is a hoarder. She lives alone in a 3000sq ft home and she just keeps collecting. And collecting. And collecting. We recently went to dinner for her birthday and I talked to her about her stuff and how stressful it’s going to be for all of us when she goes. I’m a purger so I just don’t understand her hoarding tendencies. But THANK YOU for the reminder that her future birthdays may be limited and I need to just enjoy my time with her NOW. I needed to hear this and see your emotion to really get it. ❤️
@Lindsay41980 I worry too my mum is a hoarder also . I'm the opposite. X
There are parts of the world where, if a visitor admires something, sincerely, the object is given to them. (obviously I wouldn't give away the home, car, essential items of furniture... but knick-knacks, for sure.... and maybe she would too, giving things to people who appreciate them makes it easier to give them up)
I have shared this video with 10 people!. I grew up living over the funeral home my dad owned. Talking about every aspect of death I'd not culturally accepted yet EVERY ONE OF US WILL DIE. Thank you for your vulnerability and truth on this topic❤
I did the clean out with my siblings 8 years ago. My Mom had died and my Dad leaving his beloved lake home of 50 years. It was all very heartbreaking.
But coming across the video -I’m 66, is good timing. Looking to do my own clean out while I can. Thank you and best wishes ❤
Thank you for sharing your journey. My Mom died of breast cancer at 68 years of age (my age now). She made sure that she downsized what she could before she passed. Moving my Dad in with us, and cleaning out and selling a 1600 sq. foot home, was a much easier transition because of the work my Mom had done beforehand. I am working on doing the same thing for my kids. Hugs to you xx
We just went through the same thing: our mom was diagnosed with and died within 6 weeks of aggressive brain tumours at 83 years old. We could barely catch our breath with the speed at which everything happened. My sister had to quit her job to take care of mom in the last weeks of her life…..then was the executor of the estate. From January to current spent upwards of hundreds of hours sifting through moms belongings, fixing her house for sale, making dump runs, hiring contractors to fix things (that should have been attended to years ago) It was exhausting for both of us and left a bad taste after mom had died…..and this shouldn’t be the case. Anyway I’m saying I totally agree with you and GET IT. Importantly for everyone to get this message……especially the elderly parents!! Thanks for a great video!
Downsize while you can! I did. I developed MS over the decades- finally diagnosed last year and this spring my husband died rather suddenly. I’m so glad I did this earlier. It’s made the grief easier than it would have been otherwise.
My life is simpler and that’s so helpful. I began in earnest about 14 years ago when we moved from our house to an apartment. It’s been like peeling an onion, layer by layer. Slow and steady. I was struggling with extreme fatigue, muscle weakness (hello- undiagnosed MS) so I couldn’t do too much at once.
Do it while you can!❤
Try just eating beef, salt, and water and see if your symptoms improve. I do it to get rid of flares of ankylosing spondylitis.
@@kamloopscruiser874 try B1 and B12. 3 pills a day. Watch Dr Darrell Sxhmidt on his experience with it.
This video really hit home for me. My mom also had (and later died of) dementia, and she had a LOT of things.
I also had to put her in assisted living, the difference was I was in my 20's and was living in her apartment with her, when she got sick.
I relate to a lot of things you said. Trying to pair down my mom's stuff and not knowing what she liked or disliked, what items were important to her and what were insignificant, what she wanted to keep or pass down to me or other family members... it caused me so much sadness and a decision paralysis. As her apartment (with all the stuff) was the only place I had to live, and my boyfriend had to move in with me in order for us to be able to pay all the bills, it was even worse because there wasn't room enough for him and his stuff, or our mutual stuff.. because my mom had so many things, in every closet, in every drawer.
Her dementia was such that I couldn't ask her for any answers, what was or wasn't important to her, what came from where and what were the important keepsake items, so the process of pairing down and trowing away things was very slow and excruciatingly painful, trying to make decisions and not knowing if I made the wrong ones, all the while dealing with her sickness, grieving the "loss" of my mother (piece by piece), the care for her needs, assisted living and medical bills... it was awful and caused me a lot of anxiety and stress, and also caused my boyfriend a lot of stress too, trying to navigate helping me get through pairing down her stuff, and navigate his stress and anger around living in an apartment full to the brink with stuff that I couldn't make myself throw away, because I was so overwhelmed with everything. He could'nt help me throw stuff away, as I had to make all the decisions, and I couldn't.
Sizing down her stuff took me YEARS and it was an awful process. I was clearing out bit by bit, closet by closet, drawer by drawer, when I had a good mental day and high enough energy.
Dealing with loss is difficult enough. Dealing with 50+ years of someone's accumulated stuff, in addition to the loss...it's just too much.😓
@@Nanethiel13 🙏❤️
@@Nanethiel13 🙏❤️
SPOT ON. I've done it both ways many times after the deaths of my parents, grandparents, in-laws, my own husband, and finally my oldest son. There is no peace in stuff. Live only in the present and throw it out TODAY. Let those grieving you have only great memories. Thank you❤
I did a major downsize after retiring by purchasing a very small house, forcing myself to eliminate art, collectibles, antique furniture, n unnecessary bake ware n dishes. Not easy! But I was able to choose what truly was important to me while here on earth. Also twice a year I go through my clothes. If I did not wear something for a season, it was donated. My little house only has 2 closets, so the challenge to eliminate is an ongoing process. No regrets.
Get a higer bed and store important things under the bed.
Thank you so much for this video. My mother-in-law is still here but in assisted living with dementia. She left a lot for her dauggter and son to deal with. My Mom did not have dementia but still left a lot. I am now 66 and do NOT want to leave my daughter with a bunch of crap to deal with. I wish you peace on this journey.❤
This is the very furthest thing from selfish!! It’s a gift to your kids. I watched both of my parents grieve while cleaning out their parents’ houses over the past few years and it was really rough. I now go through my own belongings regularly due to this experience and your videos, so thank you!
Found your channel and love yor message and I am trying to get ride of or give away so my children don't have to go through what I went through. My mother was in her mid fit=fties when she died - too young. My dad died 10 years later at 65 - too young. Do enjoy the time you have with your Mom. My children were little when my dad died. I had to leave them with my mother in law and spent weeks (alone as an only child) going through their stuff - so many memories.
I want to make a point about that generation that I feel you and most young people don't understand. They grew up in the Great Depression. My mother lived in NYC and they were starving - no jobs and little food - 9 children to feed. My Dad grew up rural so they had a garden at least but the people who lived through that time suffered and were taught to save everything - it might be needed later. They were very frugal and afraid of another depression. I don't think any of us today who grew up in the age of abundance can understand. Just understand times were very different and they saved everything because they grew up with that. We have stuff today because we can and we all do have too much but they saved for a very different reason. Just a thought.
I fully agree with every comment, my dearest father slowly and quietly down sized his belongings. When it came to clearing,and sorting his possessions he had labelled anything of importance and who he wanted them to go to.he had written his wishes for his funeral,I’m not exaggerating to say I bearly had to make a decision .it was still very emotionally draining.i thank him to this day and am following his example..
I crochet. I made a rule years ago that if I bought yarn for projects, I couldn’t buy more until that yarn was used up. I have a plastic bin for yarn and as blankets are made, they go into the bin until I gift them. I suppose when I die the kids can choose what they like from the bins. I’m sure there will be great grands that come later who will love having one of my beautiful works of art. Other than that, most of my stuff is yard sale junk that has no meaningful worth. It’s high quality cookware, canning equipment and useful to me now. But I won’t care what happens to any of it later. Except my hunting rifle, it fed my family during tough times. I hope a grand daughter will appreciate that.
I'm sure she will😊
@@Somewhere-In-AZ I crochet as well, but I donate most of my stuff to charities or my local churches, regardless of denomination.
As for some of the blankets, when I make an interesting one, I ask my grown kids who wants it, & if none do, it goes to donation.
Also, I very rarely buy yarn. There's online groups on social media, & thrift stores, where you can find folks that are looking to donate their relatives unused yarn stashes. I've got several years' worth of quite good quality yarn to still get through for making all sorts of goodies!
My family comes from truly frontier folk in Oregon. My mother tells tales of keeping the family fed while in a cabin days from anyone else, in a valley on the Siskiyou Pass stretch of I-5 now. It's a big family, now, with all the relatives, but I got a family Bible and a few amazing history pieces. And amazing memories of her and her brothers and Grandpa telling tales every time the family would get together. Hallooo from Wisconsin to the Wilson/Stocks of Sweet Home, Oregon!
@@iluminameluna operation christmas child with Samaritans Purse would love the crochet items.
When my mother died we couldn’t grieve because we were left with finding an assisted living home for our Dad and with dealing with all the things she had hoarded. My brother and I were in a state of abject panic for months. We ended up telling everyone we knew to come and take whatever they wanted.
Thank you for this. So much! I rarely ever comment on videos, but recently finished clearing out my parents' home of fifty+ years. Since I work from home, it seems I was the only sibling (out of three) who could invest a large amount of time and energy into this project. It was overwhelming at times, but I did it for my family and would do it again (Dad died at age 87 in 2018, and Mom lived in their home -- with weekly stay-overs from me, and help from my older brother -- till last year, when she had a scary fall and we knew it was time for her to move in with family. She's 93, doing well, but we're all grateful she can live comfortably with my older brother and his wife). Decluttering her house took me nearly a year between my own home responsibilities, work, and caring for my adult special needs son, but I got it done and the house just sold. This experience opened my eyes to the importance of never putting my daughter through the huge, time-consuming ordeal of cleaning up after me, and so I'm in the middle of a major Swedish Death Cleaning. I don't resent that I had the experience (though it left me exhausted), and I'm grateful for the wake-up call. When I go, I want to leave as little as possible behind, and I'm now committed to getting away from the cycle of buying crap I don't really need (:
I am a very hardy 80 year old. Last year I moved my stuff out of my home and in storage, and did I ever purge! My home is a two story houseboat and I am having it moved to where I live now. I will purge again, mostly with kitchen appliances. Either a yard sale, or I will donate. But as for my table ware, and furniture, family furniture and things I bought in Europe, leaving it to them to deal with. They can take what they want and donate the rest. Because everything I own can go to a thrift store or an estate sale. They can just scoop it up. They will not need to go through paper work. I bought a book, “I’m Dead, Now What” So that will be finished with my final tasks that will be dealt with after I am dead.
Have you asked them what they want to keep . Do that and you can bin the rest NOW.
@@roberthardy2013 I do not want to bin the rest. I like what I have. I am living my life for me, with my stuff. I feel an obligation of making sure my paper work is in order and the stuff I do not want gotten rid of. Also no boxes of stuff that I may use stuck in the attic. I purged when I packed out my home and no doubt when I get back in I will purge some more. I have too many kitchen appliances and they have got to go.
Absolutely spot on! Our consumer culture is addictive & it takes enlightenment & self control to create a minimalist/ essentialist mindset. It took me 5 yrs to transform!
What you are saying is so real. My husband and I have inherited the stuff and task of dealing with all the said stuff of 4 family members lost in the last 10 years. The most recent if which was my mom's in 2019. I still have boxes & tubs of photos, documents, and heirloom-trinkets to sort through. It is absolutely overwhelming. I am desperately trying to get my stuff winnowed (I love this word!) so that we do not leave this mess for our daughter. ❤
Thank you for sharing your experience. My childhood home was built in the 1940s. My father and his first wife bought it new. My Daddy never threw anything away and when he married my Mama in 1964 about 15 years after his first wife died they combined households. My Mama grew up during the Depression and had very little possessions. As she got older, she did not want to let go of things. That house was a disaster. Both of my parents are gone and finally I am rid of that place. However, I have my own mental struggles with spending, hoarding. I appreciate your videos about Swedish Death Cleaning because I was not blessed with children and I am alone because my husband died way too soon. You are inspiring me to face my fears because if something happens to me, I certainly don’t want my nieces and nephews to have to deal with my crap. Thank you so much! I am beginning my journey tonight. Love and hugs to you!!❤❤❤
I just turned 61, and have had to clear out my in-laws home, my mother’s, an Aunt and most recently a sister. And it is incredible how much junk people collect. And like you I had an aha moment, and have been clearing my own house, donating like crazy, and it feels so good to do this. It also makes you think twice when you purchase something. And I agree, if you’re buying something, let it be quality. Great video
So glad to hear you emphasise that decluttering/clearing out is not a one-off job - that it needs to be done on a regular basis!!
I feel your pain. For the last 10 years every time I went to my mom's (8 hr drive one way) I would clean something out. The garage, a closet or two, her kitchen, her laundry room, the attic, her groceries...AND I would try to make it easier for her to stay organized. She did NOT have dementia other than age-related memory loss. Some of this time was well spent because I could ask her about stuff & we had good discussions. Much of the time I was exasperated and exhausted. Thank God I did this, because last May she fell one afternoon & developed a subdural hematoma... I drove straight to her hospital room & arrived around 3 AM - she died at 7:45 AM, never regaining consciousness. This was traumatic in itself, but then it fell to me to clean out the house she had lived in for 50 years. Before I brought home the stuff from her house that I wanted to keep, I cleaned out TONS of my own stuff.
But your point #5 really resonated with me. While I was very thankful I had cleaned out as much as I did over the years, those were a lot of visits I could've spent time just visiting. ❤