Our rejection is a blessing in disguise because it's Gods protection, he has something better planned for our lives, getting rejected was the best thing, I got closer to God, he will love you better than them, guide you, and won't manipulate you. God bless everyone, stay strong, and remember get through this, pass the test. Don't sulk, and remeber the past, it was an act it wasn't real. When we heal and get better, they will be the same person no matter what man there with
Michael Miller That's not true. God made the human free. He gave you the liberty to choose. God also says to not be stupid i.e. watch out for deceitful people in general. Choose wisely. A person who loves will do anything for you.
@@legioner9 THE NARC HIDES WHO THEY ARE SO WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE YOU CAN'T PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST THEM. NO IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WON'T DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM WHEN IT HURTS YOU OR IT VIOLATES ONES VALUES.
When I found out my ex was seeing another guy I said to myself " Good ,better him than me". Haha. But one day my ex saw me driving my car with my now fiancé in my car and she sent me a nasty text not even 5 minutes after she saw us. My daughter said my ex showed everyone what she sent me and they were asking her if she was crazy since she dates other men. People believe me they don't move on. As soon as you better your life they feel uncomfortable because they are put on the spotlight (according to their sick minds) and they feel like they have to do better than you. What worked for me is to have self love and self respect and unconditional love for my children. If you're a man have more male friends , do those things that you wanted to do but felt that you couldn't, go to the gym, don't drink, don't smoke, read more , grab a wrench and fix some shit lol, read personal finances, live a minimalist lifestyle. Focus on you. Your kids will see the awesome change and will want to be with dad more. It didn't just happened to me , I had to make it happen. Situations will still arise but this time you're James Bond lol. God bless and great video Duane!
Hi Luis and thank you for the support! I believe it really all falls into their need for control and once you start to move on and the sense that you no longer are controlled by them they have to do something to lash out. Mine turned me in to the county child support services because she said she hadn't been paid everything she was entitled too (not entirely sure HOW she said it but that was the net effect). She did this the week *after* our oldest children met my girlfriend. You make a really great point about them not *moving on* and that is another reason why I feel it is so important to minimize any interaction with them because if they *feel they are winning* then, in my experience, they will leave you alone. That was difficult at first because I wanted to *get back* at her but it's really counter productive (The War Games reference comes to mind - the only way to win is to not play the game). -Duane
Man.. I feel like you’ve been stalking me for 15 years! Lol. What you’re saying is almost exactly what I’ve lived through. Married for 14 rough yrs. Had 3 boys. Divorced. She’s married 4 months later to a dude she met 2 months prior to becoming divorced. “Mind blowing” is a term I’ve become FAR too familiar with. Of course I want to write out my 15 year history but I’ll control myself. Lol. Finding videos like these have literally saved my sanity. I consider myself a strong minded man, but I really thought I was losing my mind. I don’t know what stage I’m in, but videos like this have helped to predict what I’m in for and have been “mind blowing” in their accuracy. Ultimately, it’s a sad situation for all involved. If you can learn how to recognize the traits early on, you can save yourself a decade - or more. If I can recommend one thing to anyone … believe it. There REALLY are people like this that exist. In the words of Dr. Jordan Peterson “treat yourself like somebody you are responsible for taking care of”. Ps: first comment I’ve ever made on UA-cam. Shows my passion for this subject. Lol!
I thought the same. That would make sense. But according to her, it was 2 months and I have no evidence to the contrary. The kids are the ones that told me about him and the time frame is accurate.
@@seanm4339 I wpuldnt believe amything your ex says tbh..No disrespect to her..If these peopke wantv future supply hidden tgeycwill do..She msy nif uave been in a telationship with this person by then but you can bet this person was beinv groomed znd waiting in the wimgs somehow..Its sll about apperiences for the Narc..Either way not a nice situation snd trust me ive been there
My narc ex gf moved on so quick it's like I never exsisted. It will take me some time to move on from all this. How can they move on so quick when I feel completely devastated.? Now I'm going on with my life even tho I have no job due to crushing my hand at work. Why do these people leave you at your lowest point In life? It really was like being in a fun house but I was being entertained and didn't see the illusion of real love. Time to forget her and bulid myself up. :(
They are like demons that trick you and when they leave you and break your heart you have to realize you’ve been tricked and what you thought you had never actually existed.
It's because they have no soul. They can't love so nothing for them to recover from. It's like a leech - they just detach from you and find a new host - no emotion.
omg your words ring so true. I am hurting so much right now from my failed love relationship, and I just stumbled onto your videos. Everything you are saying describes my situation. I have so much I want to say to you, but don't have the words right now. I just wanted you to know this, right now. Maybe more, after I compose myself, my thoughts, and my emotions. I was just about to send her a message, after several months of no contact. Your video "Don't reach out to your Ex", dissuaded me from sending it. Thank you for your insightful videos. But the heartache is still excruciating.
Your videos are so helpful, so good to hear exactly what I have been going through. I think that horrible phase of knowing they aren't coming back and that going back is not a good idea but deep down wanting the hope of that happening and trying to push that out of your head and getting pissed off at yourself at having those thoughts, is the worst part of the break up. Finally accepting that they are gone for good and not caring what they do from then on is a very freeing feeling.
you exactly described how I have been feeling for the last 3 months, word for word. I really want to accept that she is gone for good and not care what she does, but that flicker of a flame deep down in me, that says we will be together again, and that we will be wiser and stronger after everything, still remains in me, and is tearing me apart.
Thank you Leath I really appreciate that. My hope has been to do just that - help people suffering from this nightmare of a scenario! Welcome to the channel and thank you for your comment! -Duane
This works the other way as well. He kept me pregnant and home. And then complained that I didn't work. Then when I offered to work or go to school, he said no and criticized me, saying that anything I wanted to do was stupid. Now I can't find a job because of my lack of experience and raising our children alone. I only receive child support. I am in school to improve my employability but it's still tough.
Never feel bad that the narc is with someone else. It's just a replay of your relationship - apparently good in the beginning but a shitshow at the end. I feel sorry for the new supply, she's got NO idea what she's dealing with - yet. Good luck to them both because they'll need it.
My narc moved on to a new girlfriend quickly. After the new gal dated him for a year she got my number off his phone and called me. I was shocked to say the least. She was so angry and wanted to compare notes with me. I'm not saying it was smart to talk to her but I was curious and I live 2 states away now. We talked for an hour and she was very angry!!! My ex Narc had customized his abuse to fit her needs and wants to make her suffer in his special way. She kept saying she loved him so much, it was heartbreaking. I told her about narcissistic behavior, but she could not listen. I don't think that Narcs are happy after they move on; they are incapable of being happy!
Hi JT that sounds like a rough a potentially triggering conversation. I’m sure you received some validation but at this point you probably don’t even need it. I know you say it wasn’t smart - and logically you are correct -however I’m not sure I’d be able to stop that conversation myself if someone was venting to me about their negative experience with my ex. I’d like to think I wouldn’t - but in all honesty I would probably take that call. But your experience goes to show they never really do have a good relationship afterward because they just can’t. The love bombing seems real and looks great to everyone on the outside but we have to believe and trust the reality that is happening behind the scenes. I hope you’re doing okay after that awkward conversation. -Duane
J T You are so lucky that happened! It is great you talked to her. At least you can remove any doubts or guilt that he caused. What a relief for you. I wish that happened to me. I would be in such a better place now.
J T mines Got married last year and i’m very shocked i mean this is not the first time he replaced me with another woman this is the third time and now he’s married now! I’m like WTF! Just happened did he just replaced me with someone Else or what than?
I really appreciate your honesty. My narc ex husband and father of my son started going out with someone new while we were getting divorced, and made sure to rub it in my face. I’ve been embarrassed to admit that I’ve been feeling Like sh&@ for 3 years because of that. It made my divorce all the more painful. But recently I’ve been ok :) and actually feeling sorry for the new girl.
we have to remind ourselves that we are only human. We are caring, trusting empaths, so we are going to flare up sometimes. I believe time, logic, meditations and focusing on your own future will decompress alot of those feelings
Hi Lisa in PA, Yes, isn't that the truth! We are "only human" And as such we have good qualities to maintain and ones that need improvement. Believe all the great suggestions that you mentioned will help us to work through this difficult time. To focus on ourselves, is the key. Good thoughts & wishes on your journey.
Lisa, focusing on our *own* future and *believing* that we will have one is *critical*. I also think it is equally important to realize our reactions are normal and as you said *we are only human*. It can be tough though because we are so hard on ourselves and it's easy to think/feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. -Duane
Your videos are really helping me through the hardest thing I've ever been through. So thank you. As a father going through a divorce in a family court system that is geared to favor the mother it can sometimes feel hopeless. It's almost like the level of control the narcissist had during the relationship is now magnified 100x. I must defend against lies and manipulation and in the end she gets a pay day to boot. I'm literally at the point where she now has even more control over my life then ever before. I just can't wait for it to be over.
Doug I feel for you but just remember when you crawl into bed at the end of the day, where ever that might be, she's not there. It's your own environment and she doesn't have *any control* of what you do in those moments. Now that is going to drive her crazy and she will then use the children and your money (child support and alimony) to the full extent that she can. Just remember that your reaction to that control is giving her supply. Just know that if you can *not react* it will drive her crazy and it will give you a tremendous amount of power back. I made a video that I dropped this morning (I should be in bed right now) that might be helpful talking about black hole thinking. (It might also be crap because I felt not well while making it). Bottom line Doug you're not alone and although this is the hardest thing you've ever been through (I can so relate to that comment) you can persevere. The one benefit (if you can call it that) that you have is you are learning all of these things right now at the beginning so that means you will be able to get things under better control right off the bat instead of beating your head against the wall for years like I did. What my videos on anger because I know the stage you are in - the whole *pay day to boot* thing *really got to me*. I wouldn't give up on fighting and just give her everything but you also have to realize that no matter what she gets it is going to make you mad. I know for me $.01 was more than she deserved and mine got a lot more than that. I hope the videos keep helping and if there is a topic that I haven't covered that would be helpful please let me know. Honestly you are the target viewer for the channel because I do not want someone to have to go through the *years* of not understand what the heck just happened. -Duane
Thanks Duane! I really appreciate your channel, and it has been therapeutic to watch because I can relate. I was married for 9 years with 2 children, when I found out my wife was having an affair. The other person was also married and has 4 children of his own! My ex without a doubt exhibits traits consistent with BPD. When I confronted her about the affair, she was completely non remorseful and I felt it was done as some kind of a punishment. I immediately hired an attorney and filed for court. It took 2 years (even with a great strategy) but we finally settled out of court in May, and I'm very grateful to say I was able to get 50/50 custody of the kids. The video you did with Joe Cordell was excellent. When he said that "divorce settlements come only from a position of strength" was spot on, and completely sums up my settlement situation. My ex has already introduced the other guy to the kids, and told them he was her "friend". I'm certain that he will be moving into the (formal) marrital residence soon, as he already spends time there. Everything you say about BPD people is true, and unfortunately they all seem to follow the same twisted formula. Again thanks for the channel, you're doing a great thing! Regards.
Hi Shane and I apologize for the delay in responding. I know I read your comment before and I thought I responded but apparently not. I’m glad to hear that you finally got 50/50 that really does take a lot of perseverance when you are dealing with someone like this. I’m sure she tried everything in her power to stop that - well unless she wanted *time* for her “new friend”. Just focus on building your relationship with your children and everything will work out. Try not to waste your time or energy thinking about what she is doing. -Duane
Good for you, man. Seriously. You're honesty is impressive and rare. I'm really glad I found your channel. You're an inspiration even. lol. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.
I realize this is a few months old but THANK YOU. Everybody who cares about me is bordering on hateful. If I say something remotely neutral (let alone positive)about my ex the response from loved one's is BRUTAL. Example: "~Todd" was very thoughtful and had our daughter get me a birthday present.` Friend's response: "Don't feel anything for him.He hates you. He is just plotting to hurt you again. He didn't do it to be kind. He thinks you're stupid" That is NOT helpful from friends/Loved ones. This video was extremely helpful. Thank so much for posting this.
Hi Shine On, yeah that isn’t helpful when people are trying to keep you in that state. Part of the problem is people take their own experiences, resentments, and memories with them when into someone else’s story. I think *some* people who had a bad experience wants to believe that *everyone’s* experience is a nightmare. Bottom line and to be brutally honest it was a *really great thing* that he was able to focus on how *important* it would be to your daughter to be able to do that. It doesn’t matter if he was “plotting to hurt you” or not because the thing that is important is your daughter. If you believe he is a narcissist and all of this is for manipulation he is at least give your daughter the illusion that you guys don’t hate each other and that is a *huge* gift. Just be careful, keep a list of reasons why you *shouldn’t* be back with him and remember actions vs words. So I need to share that I had a very difficult time with this. After the vitriol started it was *impossible* for me to emotionally allocate ANY more money to her. I was so focused on my own anger and resentment that I just couldn’t do it. The *most* I’ve been able to do is encourage the kids to make something or plan something for their mom on different occasions. The problem is they could tell how angry I was and it complicates everything. Honestly Shine On, there is so much negativity involved in our situations so any time you get something that is good enjoy it. That doesn’t mean you’ll let your guard down and get back together but be grateful that he was able to do something nice for your daughter (because it’s really more about her than you). -Duane
Hello, just came upon your videos... amazing this is the first time I’ve even seen but I’ve been watching numerous other videos w/this same topic trying to work thru my breakup & trying to start the divorce. It’s absolutely been super hard to let go. What makes it even tougher is the “mind games” my “ex husband” is playing... he says, “we’re broken up” but later he says “but I’m making plans for us to go somewhere together”... that’s adding to being unsure. Also our kids are the link & I don’t want to rob them of their father but they don’t want anything to do w/him bc they kno what he’s doing. But watching these videos helps... I just have to keep watching until the meaning sets in & takes affect. Thank you to you, and all those, trying to help the population get thru an extremely tough situation. Blessings.
Hi Duane, this video really hit home with me. Even though a lot of time has passed since everything happened, I spent many weeks thinking about this issue you bring up in this video. It absolutely amazing to me how fast things progressed in his life.. within weeks he moved in with her, and as soon as our divorce was finalized they got married, literally 4 days after. Of course it was very hurtful, but at the time the only emotion I was capable of having was anger and not because I wanted him back, that was one very clear thing from the very beginning and I think by me not wanting him back also made things difficult for him to handle, he was no longer wanted and although he had new supply by me not "begging" to stay I believe his reaction to this rejection was indirectly affecting his narcissistic rage tantrums, and made the whole situation much more toxic. You mentioned a few times, maybe not in this video, that when they decide they no longer need you and find their new source they just love shoving it in your face anytime they can. That is exactly what happened to me. every possible time he could. Sorry, I kind of lost my line of thinking and what I really wanted to ask is why do you think it really matters to us who basically want and know we no longer want them if they are happy or not. I often found myself thinking the same thoughts you mentioned in this video, "does he treat her better then he treated me?", "they seem so happy together", "is it possible their relationship is actually working"? In the beginning It was, "oh, this relationship won't last", "oh, they are perfect for each other", "she will wake up one day and find herself in the same mess I was". Now 5 plus years later, they are still together. I don't really think about them as often as I used to. But I think that regardless weather you were able to move on and stop these thoughts from entering your brain, in the back of your brain those questions still bounce in your head. what do think about that and how do you let that go? In all honesty I can say that it's not something I think of very often, but it is something I was always curious to know.. It's as if I know how he is and know there is no way he changed over night just because he met someone else. but still.. it's a big question mark.
Honestly Galitell the sad truth is it doesn't matter what they do it is all going to hurt. If they *move on* quickly as in your case or they just ignore you as in my case it all hurts because it just doesn't make sense. You hit on a really good point that it's not that we want them back (although sometimes some of us do) it is just the response that basically tells us *you meant nothing to me and entire relationship was a lie*. It is really hard to deal with the fact that someone can *trick* us like that and cause so much emotional pain and that it doesn't mean anything to them. We would *expect* that they would break up long ago instead of living a lie. It is a hard reality to accept and to wrap your head around. One of the reasons I talk about *absolute thinking* is because we have to *tell ourselves* that they are going to abuse the person just like they did to us mainly to help us get through it. My goal is to help people through the immediate pain and trauma and hopefully if they are with the person 5 years later by that time we just don't care and it doesn't matter. We have to detoxify from these people and get them out of our lives. Absolute thinking helps with that. But in reality their new relationship is still an illusion - just as we were tricked for a long time (20+ years in my case) - it is possible their new target might stay forever. We were just lucky enough to wake up. At the end of the day the relationship (at least in my case) wasn't healthy and wasn't good for me or our children. However it is easy for me to say because I have no idea if she's dating - *maybe* if she gets into a relationship I will have a reaction. Knowing human nature and the nature of this abuse I would imagine I will have *some type* of impact but at least I understand, I know what to look for, and heck it will make for a good video right? -Duane
I totally agree with everything you said. And it is just as simple as you said, "it makes no sense"! that's why it is so hard to accept. In my case the marriage lasted 11 years and we were together 15 years total. It is a big chunk of your life. I don't believe in god but i do use the term "thank god" a lot when i refer to my x. What ever it is that made him go out seeking for new supply to rid me of him. I thank you! weather on not you will have a reaction if you find out she is dating some one else, I think that will all the healing that you managed to do, and all the tools you put to use the only reaction you will have is happiness. I am not dating anyone right now, but I know that if and when I do, my x will be furious still.. with his claims that "he wants me to be happy" and "I wish you all the best in the world".
Oh I totally understand and can relate to that feeling Galitell! I mean this has been a nightmare but I am *so very grateful* that *something* finally happened to *wake me up* and force me to start to see the reality. Mine wasn't as painful as a *new source of supply* but it still hurts to be *discarded* as if you have no value for what appears to be nothing. We are all truly lucky that we were able to escape and have an real opportunity to have a life without the constant emotional abuse.
Duane you are doing an amazing job. I have my first hearing next week and going through your videos is helping me to keep calm. I have seen my child 10 days in more than three months and she is saying that I am crazy and all kinds of terrible things, including that I threaned them with a knife after hurting myself or that my eyes sometimes turn white and talk to myself in two different voices among other terrible things. The video with the lawyer has been really helpful. It still surprises me how all these beings with no moral code act almost in the same way. The moment you understand in an emotional way what is really happening, is when you can focus on your life and keep moving forward. The moment you look back, you will regret it, if you show any weakness you will regret it. It is like a zero sum game, the stronger you are the weaker they become to hurt or manipulate you. Whether you understand this and go on with your life or they will make you learn it the hard way
Thank you Carlos and I hope your hearing goes well. As I've said in numerous videos just because they said something doesn't mean it is true and doesn't mean everyone (and the courts) will believe them. You just have to make sure you remain calm and grounded and DO NOT validate any claims - so make sure you don't have an out of body experience speaking tongues during court. My ex tried a very similar tactic saying I was a danger to myself and our children BUT the one difference is I was still picking the kids up and taking them to school every day. I'm not sure about the court system in Spain but I would imagine all family courts are very similar. You may not get everything you want but I would imagine you are going to get more access to your child. Good luck Carlos! -Duane
I had this happen to me. I took him back thinking he was a changed man. He did all the things he “hated” doing with me with someone else... once we got back together he didn’t want to do anything with me... and he ended saying he was leaving again after I asked him not to be on his phone so much... he reason for leaving... he knows there’s another guy... smh... now I’m crushed for the second time from the same person
Sometimes we have to go back to really prove to ourselves what we’re dealing with. I hate it when I hear about it but I also understand. Hopefully after this time you know and realize he can’t and won’t change and you have to do you can heal and survive past this - and you will Beca!
This so accurate. Its been 14 months since I found out that my ex was seeing multiple people. The lies, the betrayal, the hurt was so deep, that I felt utterly broken. Now I am divorced but finances are not sorted. Hence the ex is still in my life. Making life extremely difficult, and not just for me but for others in the family. Its such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, love, hate, love, anger, hate and more hate, sentiment, and memories. Time that you spent together, things that you did. Your past is unknown, that is the real tragedy because you find you never knew them, and you never knew what was genuine and what was a lie. In the meantime I have witnessed him discard a few people, and very quickly I should I add. But its difficult because I had my support and how do we discuss these fluctuating emotions and feelings with people who think or believe that we have, and/or should have moved on. It feels like we are betraying their loyalty to us by having these emotions and feelings. Since they stood with us through it all. I guess its at the heart of trauma bonding, something very difficult to discuss with those who have not experienced this. Trauma bonding is in its essence our SURVIVIAL kit. The only thing we knew to get us through the narcissists unpredictable behaviours and rages. The only thing that helps us try to balance a situation which most of the time we had absolutely no control over. I used my anger in the way of motivating energy, it helped me for a while. But I am so very tired now. I suspect that this is a gradual process of healing. and I suspect that it will take time. ..and I think that I will have to try to accept that. Thank you for your insights and sharing your experiences that will help many come to terms with one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with a narcissist in our lives.
Lost my now x-girlfriend on our anniversary to somebody else that same night.. I just wanna say I'm so "happy" more like blessed that somehow this channel was recommended to me.. I kinda was in a relationship with her a lil around a month after my first love left me 2 1/2 nights before our 4 year anniversary in a near-constant on/off relationship - from somebody who's been through a livin hell of a life I just wanna thank you for uploadin vids like these it speaks straight to my soul - I lost my x, my phone & my job within 24 hours of her leavin.. From somebody who has anxiety & depression from a livin hell of a past - I've been used to bein hurt & just used & abused just to be left to die - literally & figuratively - just.. thank you for these vids - your words speak straight to my soul - from various events in my life from abuse, neglect, bein a rape victim 2x's in my life, dealin with heartbreak various times within 18 years of my life - I've always struggled with suicide & attempted at least 52x's in my life yet in addition to all the people that care for me that i care about & love - it's also support like this that actually makes me want to keep livin -I've been through a lot in my life.. just thank you so much for just havin vids like these.. Your words speak deep to me & I'm sorry if this is bein a lil repetative but just.. thank you so much i just view these as so helpful to all the chaos & distress in my life.. >_
You should have a tutorial video for people that put a video on UA-cam. Unlike so many others on UA-cam the production of your videos are both audio and visually, are just about perfect.
Great idea Toneman and thank you for the compliment. I have a tech channel that I need to devote more time to for just that - I have a couple videos over there but I spend most (all) of my time here on this channel.-Duane
Elaine that was the hardest part for me to grapple with. The fact all that time was a lie. I understand where Joe is coming from but the reality is what we “meant” to them was nothing like we expected. Western Alliance is spot on, we have to learn to self validate because that is when we can set healthy boundaries and not allow toxic people in our lives!
This is a realization i had to come to after my ex started dating his current girlfriend and they seem so happy and perfect and she tells me about how he's never done this or that to her and he says he doesn't "have to lie to her." The fact is, it doesn't matter how well he treats her. He was never going to be a good husband to me. He was never going to change for me. So even IF he treats her right forever, it doesn't matter because if i had stayed, he would have abused me forever. Also, i do believe he will continue the abuse cycle with her eventually. But that realization did help me cope.
Hi Mayumi, yeah it can really get you stuck. I felt as though I was in idling car that wasn't in gear and I was making ZERO progress. Even when you get to the point that you don't want them back - or you logically know it isn't healthy for you - its still hard and is going to take time to basically detoxify your life from their narcissistic abuse. That's a problem because *most* people just don't understand (unless they've been through it) and their advice (albeit trying to be helpful) isn't helpful because they don't understand that connection and pain and they *think* you should just be able to "get over it". Just know you're not alone with this and that you will get strong with time as you work through the process of healing. (But you have to do the work otherwise you're masking the problems and they will ultimately come back). -Duane
Take the bitter pill Mayumi.I allowed her back the pain the second time is more than twice as bad..They cannot ever learn true humanity( they may not even be full human) Dont ever discard the idea there are literal demons in amongst us!
Hello, new watcher here. Everything you have said, I am going through right now. There are rumours he may have got someone pregnant, that really hurts. It's a two steps forward one step back thing right now. When I think I am getting over it, something happens, and I feel like crap again. Thank you so much for the video, I can really relate.
Mine dropped me cause I called her a hypocrite which she is. She can say and do anything but if I do it she will call me out on it. We had such a good time together too and the sex was amazing. Had trips planned and we just got back from a trip meeting her parents. That is the hardest part how they can just forget all the stuff you did and discard you like you mean nothing.
Hi WangDiddy and welcome to the channel! Yeah it is really hard how they can “flip a switch” and it is like we never meant anything. The sad truth? We didn’t mean anything to them. Unfortunately you are a means to an end with a narcissist and it is all about what they can “get” from you. Once you no longer serve that purpose - or they think they can/have found something “better” then can move on in an instant. The really crazy part is if they decide the “new supply” isn’t good oftentimes they will come back around (hoover) to try and suck you back in. -Duane
I usually don't fall easily for someone but she seemed perfect when things were good. And I totally ignored the red flags. She even told me she had a switch to turn her feelings off. I am still trying to wrap my head around all this. I even find myself making excuses for her sometimes. She is going through a divorce but she said she is completely over the guy but i think she is lying about that too. I honestly don't know what to believe but I know I can't keep putting myself in this situation. I even asked her straight out if she wanted to be with me and if she sees a future with me. she said i dont know how you can pressure me in either way. We have been doing this since feb so I am ready to move on if she isnt serious. She told me to move on then. I was like that's all i needed to know.
thedude The same thing happened to me. I kept on telling her I was tired of her double standards. I understand what you mean. They take everything for granted and replace you.
Hi Cutie Pie, yeah, this is probably one of the hardest things we have to go through in our lifetimes. The hurt and betrayal is really more than we can really wrap our heads around. Plus when you add in the “fact” that they can just “turn it off” as if we never existed it is really hard to process. Then we have to wrap our heads around the *fact* that it was all an illusion and wasn’t a real relationship (to them at least). So is “easy” for them because we served a purpose (of providing supply) and now, since that isn’t our role anymore, we effectively no longer have a purpose in their lives. Now we can provide them supply simply by chasing them and trying to reconnect. It does get easier with time and I have some other videos that talk about the specific techniques that really help. -Duane
Hi Duane. Your videos are a great help to me in my situation. Basically we were married (actually we still are as we are not divorced yet). One day out of the blue I got the old ‘can we talk’ ? line. Actually it was her telling me she was leaving me and there would be no discussion. When I tried to talk her out of it she just opened fire with all the stuff she ‘hates’ about me and the expectations such as a new house, new car, etc that we’re not met by me. For 4 years I kept her and her son and treated him like my own flesh and blood. She even admitted I was a great stepdad. Anyway, she stayed the week and finalised her affairs, and all the time I was thinking she would change her mind. Alas, I received a text message whilst I was at work telling me that they were gone and it was time to move on. That was it. I was destroyed. No chance to say goodbye to my stepson even. A few weeks later I emailed her and she then told me to get on with my life and she was never coming back and finally, we would never be friends. She left me 1 day before my birthday and on my birthday she actually sent me a birthday message. Talk about confused. It’s been 8 months now and a so called mutual friend who she still keeps in contact with told me she had a new man, and he is buying expensive handbags, etc for her. This triggered another depressing response in me as I remembered how I looked after her and my stepson and did and tried to give them everything both emotionally and financially. She will not even allow contact with my stepson. I appreciate there are others going through similar scenarios, and your videos and others comments really help. Thanks again.
knowledge is power, and I mean in a positive way! the more we learn about toxic people the more we can identify it and know sooner than later how to deal with such a person.
That is so very true GGator. Don't you find it amazing once you can see these people to also see their targets blinding following along, getting emotionally abused, and walking around like they are in a fog? Because, they ARE in a fog... -Duane
My ex narc was having an affair for 4 years before his new woman gave him enough ultimatums to make him move out. She left her husband and 2 kids and told him if he didn’t leave us , she would disappear because she was ‘so humiliated’. My discard was prolonged, painful, traumatic, hurtful, vicious. I nearly died from the virus he gave me. My entire marriage was an illusion apparently. And i am still coming to terms with the fact that there was never any love on his part anyway.. and that’s’ show he replaced me so fast, and felt nothing , and moved on with her like I never mattered, nor our kids, nor these 17 years.
Great as in every video..This is an additional support..actually I've spot this feelings in few occasions although I'm strong enough now and I wondered why...Thanks a lot!
Hi Monica, yeah all of this is just so darn hurtful, it's another methodology to further abuse you. It really hurts when it's as if there is zero down time to move on and erase you from their lives. I'm glad to hear you are stronger now and it doesn't impact you. It too me *a long time* to get through that phase of this! -Duane
i am 60 years old. throughout my life i have dealt with relationship break-ups. took a bit of pain and crying, but it was just normal for a break-up. my last relationship with the covert narc is something i have never experienced. it has been 14 months. i went through so much mental pain and physical problems (ptsd, adrenal fatigue, panic disorder) that i still am not back to normal. i find this really strange. i bought a book by H.G. Tudor called exorcism. i am 1/3 through the book. it is shocking. he explains the mind control narcissists use on their significant other. step by step, they do the same things to capture people. it is sick. the overt narc i had long ago did not do these things. i got over him easily. the covert narc did these things to a tee. there are youtube videos on how to mind control women which i did not watch. the mean and sweet cycle is highly damaging as is the silent treatment. Tudor explains how to undo the manipulation which i didn't get to yet. i am having trouble with negative thoughts. not just thoughts of what the narc did. negative thoughts about my past and present. i know how to keep pushing the thoughts out, but i find that part strange also since i am normally an optimist. what i have is just wait it out. things are ever so slowly getting better. this is absolutely not normal. Tudor mentions a thing called ever presence. i caught the narc ex doing this to me the other day. before the break-up, he would have me look at the sunset with him. he was usually nasty then, but at sunset time, he would put his arm around me and say how nice things were. how pretty the sunset was. i felt something was weird at the time, but dismissed it. now he comes over and says look at the nice sunshine. he got the sun to bring him to mind. ever presence. just one thing mentioned in the book. creepy.
Listening to H.G. Tudor is really kind of creepy but it is a great way to get the perspective of the abuser. I haven't read any of his books so you'll have to let us know if his book really helps show you how to undo that abuse. "Ever Presence" what an insidious way to get them stuck in your head - I'm glad my ex didn't do that - but that sure sounds like pure evil. -Duane
Deliberately unemployed to give you difficulty??? The person truly hates herself...To spends ones life to give others anguish....Their only mission on earth. Not sorry for her and other narc monsters. You are terrific person, Duane....Remember that all the time. And this will one day be a vague memory....I have been there in romance relationships. Vague memory now unless some good will ambassador brings them up....And drop the ambassador!! Ex husband fell to drugs and we have not spoken in several years. Narc mom is chasing me now since I did not answer her birthday calls to me. I stopped talking to everyone. Why fear?...They are going to do what they want/plot to do anyway. Your ex??? I am concerned about the maternal deprivation they(kids) undergo...from the crib.. SHE cannot love. Whom she has targeted as the scapegoat . You have already zeroed down on that...and taking precautions..I.am sure.
It’s being 10 1/2 months. I’m still listening to these videos to feel better..,. Tried to move on and meet people. It’s hard. There’s these tiny sad feeling deep inside you ready to creep on you at any given moment.
Hi James, I hear you it took me a really long time to start feeling better as well. I actually turned to a combination of therapy, youtube videos, books, and hypnosis. If you're interested in the latter I have a link to the ones I used at www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com/hypnosis maybe that could be helpful for you too. The thing to remember even though it does take a long time to really heal from this you can. It's just really tough because you can get stuck thinking that you won't and that it is taking longer than it should.
Spot on again, my Ex was with a colleague immediately + a few yrs down the line, he not only replaced me but our kids, he had a baby with her when he’s 47 and our teenage kids don’t speak to him + refuse to meet her., I still think how easily we were replaced.
I hear you. Although it doesn't fix anything, it was great to talk to my ex a month ago to hear that she's getting married but is so so miserable. She threw this new guy under the bus for an hour or so. She is afraid of him, says he's super controlling and that she's only there because she had nowhere else to go. Priceless.
Good point and great validation in your.case. A lot of the time that doesn’t happen or at least not so obviously and as soo. So definitely good for you Suds! 👍🏻
Nice... Total validation for you. I too was given some when the guy she ditched me for suddenly just disappeared from the picture. I had no idea because i hadn't been looking, but her whole tone suddenly changed with me so I looked. Sure enough, he was nowhere to be found and she was tweeting all kinds of funky stuff trying to get him back then accepting it and then finally making mean sarcastic jabs. All of that after she'd been love bombing the hell out of him and securing him for three months behind my back. Ironically, I was blamed for that too, even though I'd had no contact with her for months. My first thought was that maybe the mask had slipped a bit and (unlike me) he listened up when the alarms went off. Or maybe he was just a selfish jerk who used her. Either way, I honestly don't really care why anymore, other than maybe getting a little bit of my own validation and confirming my theory...
It was hell.... yes. It was a personality disorder the ex had, and yes have to use absolute thinking for my own sanity, I agree. And anything that looks good is idealisation phase. So spot on. The not thinking part about it is hellish part to do.
great video. this feeling is awfull. I can so relate to this. and he got me back two times. but now when i understand what he is and what he has done, i will never let him get me again. this is so importent to talk about. I wish i had seen this video back then, then I could understand what was happening to me. why i could't stop crying. thank you Duane.
Thank you for the feedback Emma and I'm glad the video helped you - honestly I wish we ALL could have had this information at the beginning - we would have save ourselves a tremendous about of grief and heartache (I guess that's the same thing though). -Duane
If you have any negative thoughts about the ex narc, I really think it's more about them ripping you off. She's such an unlikable person I could care less who she sees. I really just feel sorry for whoever she is with... What's really cool is my significant other is an import and extremely pretty. It is fun when the ex sees her because I know it eats her up. Narcs are really jealous people and the better you do the worse they will feel about themselves. What does piss me off is all the other crap she pulled. Ripping off money from me via the court system, ripping off what was set aside for the kids, acting like she is a nice person when she's the most loathsome being I know, smearing my name when she was guilty as hell over the same things and much more. They don't deserve to be happy. Not after the crap they pull on the people around them. ...on a side note I was giving her the "no, limited contact" when the whole thing started. She actually had the nerve to ask that we have dinner....during our divorce! LOL. Stupid bitch.
That is a really good point Tyr and I think that has been my key issue bringing me back to that *pit of dispair*. I've had the same experience with the court system and money and I honestly believe its mainly just a tactic they use to try and continue the control and manipulation of our emotions. A while ago I was talking to a female coworker about divorce and custody - she said her husband's ex was a monster until they were older. I responded with, "Until the ransom stopped." She looked at me oddly thinking about and and agreed with it - I don't think she had thought about it before. The sad part is once they no longer can use family court, department of child support services and other programs/departments as surrogates then they shift to a new process. It makes sense that she would *ask that you have dinner* because she wasn't getting supply from you anymore. I've had similar experiences with my ex over the last six months where she wants to "talk" more. That ship has sailed so to speak and the hybrid no contact is working very well for me. -Duane
Yep, "hybrid no contact", coined by you is an excellent way to handle it. I'm at the end of her being able to do anything to me. She ran out of ammo a while ago. Like your vids Duane! Excellent stuff! You've helped me a bunch. Hang in there for all your subscribers. I know there are people here that have recently awoken to this nonsense and need to interaction that the vids provide. Thx again.
we care more about ourselves than what we want to admit to because if we didn't we wouldn't be so upset about the damage and the evil that these beings have been to us so that's part of the problem the fact that they got over on us and that they make us feel like we're yet less than human
@@DSD Hey DSD. Thank you and I'm making the best of it. Curious about something that I wanted to ask you, but not publicly. Is there a way to message you privately somehow to chat? Let me know and thanks either way. - Z
There is an email in all the video descriptions or you can do it through discord. I don’t use Facebook or instagram that much but you could also use those. I do have a tough time getting back to people with the quantity of messages but I do try.
I amso glad that you understand what I'm going through I really feel so lost here and not to mention very confused mentally in my head like wtf did I do wrong to deserve this?
You didn't do *anything* Val to deserve this. You, like many, were a target and you fell under their spell. They *never* start out as the abusive person they mirror what you want and tell you everything that you want to hear. Then things change and we're stuck chasing that initial feeling that we've lost and crave so much. Then when they are done because either they've found someone "new" or they realize we will no longer be the supply they need they just walk away. They were never emotionally invested in the relationship so their isn't any real feelings there to keep them. and it hurts like hell when that happens. Hang in there Val it does get better it just takes a lot of time to detoxify from their emotional abuse. -Duane
+DSD So their what? I mean their behavior is just immature to me! I mean I get it now that hate taking accountability for their actions! I mean it makes sense now who they really are I mean the silent treatment and the disappearing acts too! I mean at first I thought only 17 year olds act this way! But he's an adult just like me and still behaves this way? It's like they never change and can't!
Hi Dwayne I'll translate this into English. I have a 5.5 year old son who has been in this struggle with her for years and I do not realize that she has damaged our son with her lifestyle also makes choices that are said in it. my biggest problem is that if see have a new friend again and that is number 3 then to me ,, that see did not fully focus on this relationship what she then has. said may quietly have a friend, but I know that because she is heavy narcisstic it also does everything in impulsive. and because they are bad against being alone. I don't want my child who lives with her to meet new friends, and then to say goodbye again afterwards. Can you imagine that my son knows how to develop bonding problems or separation anxiety. if my ex does not feel like it anymore she stamps it out so i know. and that is what I have already made known everywhere. but most agencies say frank let it go you are not over her. I think pffff rotten man this is not about me and my feelings, but about my son who must experience a lot of shit when my crazy ex once again throws himself at the feet of a new guy. I am against that Dwayne my child is damaged and learns to deal with people in the wrong way. and will soon become a narcissus. what I know to do against this is despondent. thank you frank Sorry english translition google is bad
The best thing is to not know what your ex is doing. I never look on Facebook, I stay far away. However, I recognize myself in the fact that I cannot get my ex out if my mind. It is like a spinning wheel that does not stop. I long for a person who abused me, who found another before I left.....it's driving me nuts. I fell in love with a ghost of a turtle. I married him. Then the turtle disappeared and into the shell came a snarling wolf who hurt me. Then the turtle came back to lovebomb me. In the end, they left, and all I had was an empty shell. I loved and sacrificed so much for an empty shell thst could not give love in return. That's how I see it.
You’re very welcome Lord Prutsikas and I’m glad to hear this helped. As you already know this can be such a nightmare and the one thing we are missing are answers. It’s a slow process to truly heal and I hope you’re starting to see the possibility of hope of life after this experience. -Duane
@@DSD Exactly...I wish I had seen your videos earlier, while I was still with her, this would save me so much energy, time and money. This is a very serious disorder and people need to be informed. I was so naive and believed that these are mind games all women play...but it was clearly manipulation from day one. Nothing was real it was just an Illusion and as time goes by everything connects. She discarded me on the phone the day after I told her politely that my wishes and feelings also count. She gave me the evil stare and became totally paranoid the following days. She just couldnt accept the fact that I slightly criticized her and pointed out her shallowness and superficiality. It was a great narcissistic injury. There was no real closure or final meeting in the end...after a year of relationship. And the crazy thing is that it was the first and last time I tried to discuss with her...I feel really sorry that this woman is a primary school teacher
I was with my ex for 9 years and he didnt work a day during that time. He lived with his mom and when I came in the pic, he was asking me to contribute financially to household, mind you I would stay with them on and off. It was horrible.
Yeah it is amazing what we will consider "okay" when we are with someone and trying to make things work. Generally it isn't until the relationship is over that we *really* start to see what was going on. -Duane
My narcissist started having sex with multiple men soon after the discard I heard. He left me right after he got back from him 36 day summer camp and we were even planning on seeing each other. I was initially really hurt, but thank God I’m not with him anymore. He’s a sex addict and he even admitted to cheating on me while he was at the camp. I can’t believe I let him in my life. This 2 month “relationship” completely changed my life.
Hi Kevin yeah people like this are masters at sucking people in. The love bombing and mirror stages really draw you in and it doesn't matter if it is a short term or long term relationship it is still a chore to heal from. I'm glad to hear it was quick because at least the connections are not "as" deep as opposed to having property, friends, money, etc all intertwined. The other "good" thing about this is that you'll learn about this personality type AND be better able to recognize it going forward. Sorry for what you're going through because I know how much of a mind game this all is. -Duane
So, as I was listening to this, I realize that actually I am afraid because of the accusations that had been thrown at me in the more turbulent parts of breaking up - my wife and I have been separated for about 5-6 months, no motion on divorce just yet. But, I’m at a stage where honestly, there are other women catching my eye. The thing is, how can I be sure, like absolutely positive that what I think or feel isn’t me being disordered, that I’m not actually guilty of love-bombing or idealization in a pathological way? I’m sure that that happens to some degree in the beginning of all relationships. But right now it scares the crap out of me. All the while I was being abused, I was told over and over again that I was the abuser... that’s not true. This is really tough.
Hi Nightwing Octopus - well the first thing I’d like to say, especially if you strongly suspect that your marriage was highly toxic and potentially disorders, is that 5 to 6 months is not really much time. I completely understand *wanting* to find another relationship and to be wanted and such. I went through something similar and I thought being along was a bad thing. It is much more complicated than what I can say in a couple of sentences here but you **might** understand what I’m trying to say. The other thing I will mention is that since you are seriously the question and are worried about your own potential issues that is a really good sign because a narcissistic disorder person doesn’t question their own culpability in regards to their past relationships. Honestly Hightwing I would really encourage you to take a break from dating and really spend time working on yourself. I’d even recommend the book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends (there is a link to it on my resources tab on my website). The other thing you’re probably not considering is how your ex is going to respond when she realizes you’re moving on with your life. Toxic people tend to really cause serious problems when that happens and you want to make sure you are *absolutely* ready for that *when* it happens.
Caught u sayin farts!!!!!💩💩💩 😂😂😂😂 that was funny. Anyhow thanks for your advice. Its excellent. I continue watching your videos to keep me going no contact
This is a helpful video on what I consider to be a vitally important topic that I am currently experiencing post covert narcissistic abuse and discard. There are very few videos that acknowledge both how very painful it is and how very difficult it is to " just get over it." There needs to be much more out there about this topic that focuses on being real about the challenges of this and of course real strategies (multiple strategies) for moving through this part of narcissistic abuse recovery. Thank you and make more on this topic!
I probably need to make a playlist for all the videos I’ve made on this subject and I should also readdress it. You are absolutely correct this message is critically important. People just don’t understand how difficult it really is (for both men and women) to recover from a toxic narcissistic emotionally abusive relationship. Everyone just assumes you can “let it go” and “move on” and then they just don’t understand WHY we are trapped. It is so not helpful when people say those thins and it just makes us feel 100% worse thinking that there must be something fundamentally wrong with us to be stuck. If you ever find someone in this mode please share this video with them - maybe it can help them as well! -Duane
We were never together....we were just “friends” and I had feelings that developed and ultimately ruined my life lmao 🤣 let’s be real and he led me on and played games. We both lied to ourselves and each other. He cut me off cold turkey 🦃 and seems to be so unbothered by it. I dnt see how you can say you love and care abt someone than turn around and kick that person to the curb as if I didn’t exist or I dnt matter.
Well, it's because it didn't really matter to them and they were saying those things to get what they wanted from you. Its really sick because they can just *turn it off* in an instant and we're left dumbfounded because how can a person - who said all those things - do what they are doing now. Unfortunately its because it wasn't real to them and they were just playing a part.
DSD thank you for responding and yes so true. It’s hurtful but I’m learning as you have shown over time you do move on and realize you deserve so much better!
@@PsychedPerspectiveI was told "I just can't turn feelings on and off like a switch. Can't tell you what you want to hear", but that is exactly what he was doing. Playing with my emotions and keeping me hooked. He enjoyed hurting me and then saying it was MY fault. The abuse is horrible. I am out and in no contact, but he lives in my mind....
Been 1.5 years. Still not really over it. I struggle to want to find someone new. I invested so heavily in that relationship. Yet she moved on 11 months ago like it was nothing. We were together 5 years. "They're just memories", she said. That hurt.
Finding closure is so difficult and elusive. We unfortunately have to find it ourselves. It took me a few years to reconcile all of this. Ultimately the hypnosis files I reference on the resource tab on the DSD website is what really helped me. Check them out they might help you too.
Exactly the relationship was an illusion. However, reflecting back on the 12 year relationship I had with my ex and examined it in-depth from its beginning to end my relationship closely resembles the one portrayed in the movie: 500 Days of Summer. Looking back we met a few days before valentines day. From the very beginning it was hot and heavy as we were young with lots of energy and travelled and spent just about everyday together. But just like the scene reality versus expectations in the movie my ex told me from the very beginning " I just want to enjoy my time with you now but then in the summer I am leaving New York and go to college in Miami Florida". At first, I was cool with it but when time came and went and it was time for her to leave she simply said: ok I have to go. At that time I was in a trance stage and felt strongly that she was the one and so I expressed to her that I wanted to go to Miami as well. Looking back that was the worst mistake that I made. As I now realize that even though we could not get enough of each other, for her the relationship was basically a friends with benefits one. Just like the one portrayed in the movie!. In Miami after living with her for two years the relationship shifted in which she became very controlling and thus I supposed the beginning of the discarding faze began. At the time, my intuition was telling me to get out of the relationship and I eventually told her I was moving back to New York. This time however, she was the one that attached herself to me she resigned from the University of Miami came with me to New York and finished her degree. Despite, her constant put downs I convinced myself that again she was the one because she made the sacrifice of leaving the school and the weather she enjoyed to come with me. Further, she push and push for me to marry her until I just gave in. You may ask, why am I telling my story? Because as I caught her in the act of completely discarding me and having numerous affairs she reminded me of the mistake I made of FOLLOWING her to Miami...Now despite my ex wife being in her late 30s she looks great as she hits the gym on a contant basis. Less than a year ago she met a guy and he quickly married her. He knows that the marriage ended because of the affair but just like me I can see it in his face he is in a trance like stage because of her beauty and love bombing stage. At first I was very hurt because now my three sons have a step dad. However, it seems that he is good to the children as they speak highly of him and often include him in the stories they write in their homework...Although from time to time I feel a lot of pain from all of the events in this relationship, i have learn to focus on reality and to practice indifference. No longer I get mad when my ex wife comes out yelling at me. Slowly but shortly she too is accepting the fact that I am now completely over her and that she is incapable of getting a reaction from me. 500 Days of Summer is a great great movie! Although, it is a very painful film for me to watch as I grew up having the same dangerous delusional unrealistic expectations as the main character did in the film.
Hi Volatile Bliss - thank you for sharing that story. Your experience brought back memories of my early relationship with the ex. I think that is is really great explanation of how we are sucked into these relationships in the first place. I haven't seen 500 Days of Summer but I think I need to look that one up. I would imagine when she said she was moving with you it probably felt like she actually cared about you it is amazing how we process things when we are with these people. I think, unfortunately, it is very normal for us to be tormented by the past memories (both good and bad) and it is a difficult process to move past. In my experience getting thoughts of her out of my head has been the game changer for me. It would be much better if we didn't have to go through this - and continue to go through this - but to me it beats being back in that nightmare (without knowing it). So how are you coping with all of it now, is it still a struggle? -Duane
As we all know, coping with this dysfunctional situation we find ourselves in is very Challenging However, the wise cliché "Time heals everything" seems to hold a lot of weigh. In my case, I feel blessed that get to see my children at least three days per week. On the days in which I am not with them I go and ride my bike after work or if it is too cold go for a jog. Further, I am an amateur violin and viola player and so I keep myself busy learning new musical pieces. I enjoy this Hobie so much that soon I am going to start an amateur classical chamber music group in my area with the use of the Meeup website. I am trying to find a church that would allow me to host this meetup group. Also, on my drive to work I listen to the content that you produce ( I thank you very much for your dedication to your channel) as well as mgtow videos and other content in which deals with the topic of co-dependency as well as how to be a good father. In all, it seems that I am able to keep away from falling into a depression by just keeping myself active and busy. And just like the narcissist: focusing on the well being of myself but unlike them focusing also on the mental well being of the children as well.
Thank you for sharing that Volatile Bliss I really appreciate it and I'm really glad I play a part in your recovery from this. Your comment really keys in on how you have to focus on yourself and creating a positive environment to change things up. It is a struggle at times to fight that overwhelming oppressiveness of this situation but it sounds like you have a really solid way forward! I love that you're also looking to create a amateur classical chamber music group that is really awesome! -Duane
I don't have anything. No hovering? No harassment at all. Just silence. Like our relationship and the children never existed. I know he was gone emotionally for long before he left us. It hurts that he lied and cheated and stole from his own existing family to cultivate a new one and did not care about the destruction it caused! The children and older almost young adults and appear to be dealing well enough. It is me that can't let it go. I think that the fact we have been replaced and forgotten about is worse as it truly shows they did not give a damn about you or the kids. I now am scared to leave the house for fear I will see him out and happy with the new relationship.
Hi Duane, Thank you for bringing up this "touchy" subject, "How Can They Just Move On?" Something for the most part that we would rather not entertain. Why would we want to put the scalpel to our heart? Bottom line....I think we will always have a connection with them. We were once in love with them. And in your case you had children together...much more difficult. I don't think you can forget that. No, they may not have loved us but we cannot deny the feeling that we had for them. However, I think we can still move forward as you have proven. Will we ever return to them? I cannot say emphatically that I wouldn't fall back in. I think you should only talk about them when you feel the need. Otherwise, as I did last night, I did not talk about him with my friend. Did I think about him? Yes. However, I enjoyed a fun night. The food was good, the company was good and the crowd was friendly. Was tempted the other night to look him up on Facebook. I decided not to. That's a + change that I have made whereas before I did do exactly that. I conjure up these scenarios @ x's who is he with, what stage of NPD is he going through with her, etc. Also know he may be withdrawn over a professional/ personal dilemma. We just don't know. However, it feels a little better to me if he's in the latter. Still feel mostly sad @ x's infrequently, less angered why I allowed to let this relationship go on. But as I have said in the past, there was a paradigm shift that took place a couple of yrs., ago & I noticeably pulled away but it took time. I "dragged my feet" but couldn't leave until I was ready. Perhaps, it was coupled with his pulling away physically/emotionally too. Take care. Looking forward to your next video.
Hi Tigerprint, you are absolutely correct we will always have an emotional connection to them (well after time it will fade away) but if there are children the recovery process is much more complicated (but I believe we all can recover from that as well). On the relationship with them side of things - I think it is a huge risk. We have this past illusion with them and if they are allowed to *get close* I think it would be easy for them to restart their process. Remember they are *masters* at watching you/us and saying what we want them too. In the beginning they can even have their actions follow their words. Personally I think it is not healthy to have a "friendship" with them unless you are absolute that it will *never* be anything more. If you know that in your heart then fine - but if there are *any doubts* then just stay away. At the end of the day you have to realize that you *wanted the illusion* to be true and that is the reason that you allowed things to go on. The other point is *you have to be ready* to accept the reality or at least to decide that enough is enough. Until you get to that point I don't think you will take action to change. In my situation it took 21 years to get to that point. I can look back and there were warning signs, red flags and ACTIONS that *should have been enough* for me to *run away*. But I didn't and I always rationalized what was going on and ultimately I believed that she loved me and that we loved each other. -Duane
The last statement was so prophetic. reflective and truly sad. I also feel it depends on the depth of love that you experienced with that person which determines how long it will take to get over them. That's what I'm most frightened about that I will fall into it again and "the ugly head" of NA will envelop me. I agree that it's an unhealthy move to have a friendship with them. And I know I cannot maintain that status. I'd be opening my heart a-g-a-i-n to someone who doesn't care like I do & never will. Egads Duane...I hope that's not the case as far as my not being able to change without accepting that "enough is enough!" Although I must admit I have more days where I'm confidently moving forward. Other days I feel stagnant. I was not aware that it took you so many yrs. to make a choice. That time for you must have been sad, infuriating. frustrating, challenging, l-o-n-g & extremely emotional. And you still continue to deal with your ex. & young children. How you work, take care of your kids, home & come to the aid of others is remarkable! We probably were all aware of the Red Flags and actions, or lack thereof, that didn't fit the proclamations of love & concern. For me although I can falsely say on the surface @ x's that I wish that we never met. Today, @ this point in time, I don't truly believe it. Be well.
You're already here TigerPrint looking for learn and to change. If you would have told me about narcissistic abuse maybe 9 years ago I wouldn't have known that I was living it. You already have your eyes open and trying to learn and recover so I think it would be difficult for you to go back to that environment. It was a living nightmare. I had serious depression issues and everything was a struggle it was a really dark time throughout the marriage. The last few years weren't bad and I started to really improve and be happy. That was the catalyst that destroyed the marriage - she wasn't able to control my emotions the way she used to so she had to change things up u but that last time it destroyed everything. But to her credit (if you can call it that) she was able to drive me back down to the pit of hell that I used to live in when married to her. It has been a long journey to crawl my way back out of the pit - but I've done it. You will too! -Duane
Hey Dwayne I just started listening to your videos and I'm dealing with it right now and I'm two months out and I've got a court order not to talk to her and I'm finding myself climbing up a wall wanting to talk to her and no that I shouldn't but I don't know what to do with it is truly like coming off of meth or a serious drug just don't know how to deal with it I know how to cope with it I don't even know how to date again I'm thinking about getting back into the dating scene but I feel like I'm the one cheating if you have any advice or anybody on your site have any advice I would so like to hear it I read it I appreciate it thanks a lot
I've been binge watching you. Im wondering how you got a hold of my journal. Please tell me when will i feel better? When will he stop torchering my boy? Im dying..
LOL - isn’t it just crazy how all of our stories are so similar and it doesn’t really even matter if you’re the man or women. Sara keep on learning and working on healing yourself an you’ll start to feel better. It took me probably another year once I started learning about narcissistic personality disorder. But it took me 2 years of emotional post-divorce hell to get to that point. So the fact that you’re here and learning about this means things should start improving. On your other question - he’ll stop when it doesn’t provide him any more supply. Unfortunately our children are the ones that are really going to guide that process. We have to just provide our children the stability and love. We also need to use blackhole thinking so we just don’t allow whatever is happen with the other parent into our lives. Its really tough - especially when our children are complaining to use about their own heartbreak but that’s how I’ve been able to deal with it. The problem is our children WANT to have a relationship with both parents and unless the abuse is so great that they are forced to see reality they just won’t. I have witnessed - and continue to - with my three children. Remember I have a 19, 17, and 12 and have been going through this for about 6 years. It’s taken a long time for me to find “my happy place” but things really are much better and you’ll get there too. -Duane
Thank you for responding. Your advise has been super helpful. I just threatened my boy last wk about taking his phone away. After watching your video it all made since. I apologized & reassured him i wont do that. The not answering my text/calls drives me crazy. Ive made some mistakes & am so greatful to hv found your videos.ive been playing them over&over. No one else has been addressing the family aspect. Thank you kindly for all your knowledge!!! Please keep up what your doing.. We need you.
When people are ready write out: He/She didn’t care b/c (write instances here). This may help process, and come to terms with, what was really happening. I agree, even if you exited, they probably checked-out emotionally a long time ago. This in no way reflects YOU! It reflects THEM! I like Absolute Thinking - we all need a go-to in times of need. Love yourself b/c that’s exactly what YOU are, loveable 💙
My ex nurs got married to the person he had always cheated on me with and after hoovering me for three years, I decided to give in for the sake of our kids. He used the kids to pull me over, claiming they are missing out on a proper family. All this time I was asking him for an arrangement so we could hav set parental days which never matured. I had even accepted his new relationship n respected the fact that he had moved on but he said that he can't be with her because he misses the kids, he is sorry he wants to be a proper dad n for him to do that,we have to be a proper family, saying how we need to be officially married!!! I was swept off my feet and didn't hesitate to give him a second chance! To cut the story short, I was discarded a week we were supposed to be moving in together and moved in with the same person he said was living to be with us. With in 2 months they were getting married and I tell you it cuts through your body like nothing. BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE WEDDING PICTURES, I could not believe myself😟😟. The wedding was in winter and the reception was in his back garden, no high table and the cake was like for my 3 yrs birthday party only one piece and their names scribbled on🤣🤣🤣🤣 and it was on the grass, this made me feel better 😂😂😂😂 I had never seen such a wedding, it looked like a ritual action🙄🙄
Two months ago my husband told me he had a lover, that he wanted the divorce and that he was not happy with me anymore. A day before he told me that he was still telling me how much he loved me and everything looked “normal”, I thought we were happy. In the moment he told me about his affair, he started acting very cruel, he started talking with this woman in front of me, I asked him so many times to not to do that in front of me and he just laughed and said to me “yes, I’m talking to her, do you want me to lie to you, this is over” ... I know he was blaming me for everything and he put himself as a victim with her, this woman started talking shit about me thanks of all the lies he said about me. He used to laugh when he saw me cry, he was putting pressure on me acting like an asshole because he wanted me to leave the house ASAP, he wanted her to move in with him, btw, she was married too, anyways, after 4 days he told me I couldn’t stay more time in the house because he was acting super cruel. I left and a week after she moved in with him, he filled the divorce and we are still married, she got her divorce two weeks ago. After a month with no contact with him, he emailed me apologizing for everything he did to me, saying that he loves me and miss me, but also saying that nothing is gonna change. I was going well, all this have been so hard because I still love him, but aft his email I feel just like the first days. I have this need to contact him, but I know he will hurt me more. Help please!
You are just a an amgel sent from above.i was devastated was asking question and answering it myself ans was just driving myself how can he do this for the second time .hope to get a phone call from him for an apologizy but he seems to enjoy life and hes not even thinking about me or think or a second he did me and our son wrong .
I was discarded and started no contact w my ex for 3 months now. He has tried to contact me but have him blocked. I am doing a little better but my ex decided to contact my friend and ask her to give me a message from him. That he has been around my house a few days ago and remembered good times. That we have of friends in common ajd he has asked about me and so happy i am doing something good for myself. That he is happy for me. I have not really have contact with anyone. While i am working on myself i have kept my social cirlcle extremely small and stayed off of social media so i dont understand what hes happy for me about. I try and remember i should not want him back but sucks that he moved on so quick like i never existed. We dis not end well....and now he ia so happy for me that he contacts my friend to tell me??? He suddenly became this great person yet when he broke uo with me was so cruel? Je is not saying he misses me just that he is so happy for me....has me thinking and obsessing 😏
We were together for 3 years and we actually lived together and I took care of 3 boys and treated them like my own and 3 weeks after she blocked me I was told she found the love of her life go figure I meant nothing to her. Oh well moved on wish her the best.
Don’t know, maybe you’re doing similar searches and UA-cam might thing it is something you’re interested in. I know sometimes UA-cam will say it was recommended because of another channel that I’ve wathced
thanks for replying, its funny, ill open my safari browser and not always, but often, this view pops up, lol..maybe i need to hear your message,,,,any howl appreciate your reply, wish you very best@@DSD
I hear you - there are things that show up on my feed and I'm like WTH where did *that* come from. Well, if you're recovering from a toxic high conflict divorce where you have kids then I might be your channel - if not this stuff will BORE that hell out of you! Have a great day Lion King!
It's not that they don't care about you is to care about themselves more and they can't live without anybody feeding their supply so as soon as you're out of the picture if you left then they have to go onto the person that they had in the wings cuz remember they always have two or three to fall back on because they can't be alone and they can't do anything for themselves
She may get her Master's degree. She may not want to work. If she dates someone they are not lucky and it is not a perfect match/soul mate. It is an attachment...not a relationship. No! It will be the same things happening to the next guy. She may pretend all is good. She try to get your jealous. This is an attachment/addiction to a person who hurts you. If you don't heal you may date another narcissists also. Stop paying attention to what your ex is doing. She was never right for you. Your choice of drug...food/sex/narcissist addiction attachment?. They moved on for more supply and to repeat this cycle. It was a mask...not a real person. You loved a mask...it was not real. Hanging on to a fake relationship like you can't live without them is just an addiction. Love yourself and release this person.
Simple. They didn't love you to begin with. Make sure before you let love form. If you stay back to make sure, it won't hurt as much when they leave you. It will still hurt but will hopefully heal quicker with less pain. The ❤ can only take so many of these ordeals and eventually becomes nothing but a big scar. If it started with Dad/Mom the heart turns to stone. It will take God's help after that to get it to work properly again...it might not without supernatural intervention.
Tonight my narc told me he has failed and doesn’t want to be with me and wants to sell everything and leave the cash to me and he’ll just fade away somewhere and I’ll probably hear about his demise one day!! What the???? How am I to handle this? On our anniversary he told me he wanted a divorce because he just doesn’t do this relationship thing well, it’s my fault he’s too skinny, that he’s a loser, blah, blah...is this just another form of his dumping his frustrations onto me because he wants out and he wants fuel from my sadness?
So get this, my ex narc is working the 'triangulation' with me and his new wife really hard. he gives her his phone. so when I think i'm asking him about the kids it is always her that I am actually texting, and she is a very mean person. She is also very clueless as to what is going on. He has smeared campaigned me so hard and she believes a ton of lies that include things about child visitation/transportation/ etc. so it screws up communication royally in order to get my kids. But, I cant prove it's her b/c it's on HIS phone. But I know its her b/c her language is simple and immature (he is very intelligent with language). Talk about getting sucker punched! Oh, even better is he messages me 'private messages' to keep me hoovered in (does not work). I can't wait to have the opportunity when she messages me about my kids pretending to be him and is a witch about it that I can say, "If you continue to be mean and insulting, then you might reconsider the private messages you send me." I don't think she'd be too pleased her new doting husband is flirting with his ex wife: /..... especially if she may already be paranoid about it by having his phone all the time. They sound so happy (but not)
Unfortunately Rebecca that sounds very typical - that's a difficult one because if you drop that bombshell it *might* get the focus off of you - and maybe she'd stop or at least be "nice". When I first starting reading that I figured he just didn't want to talk to you and was using the new wife to stay away from you I wasn't expecting you to say the new-wife was mean. I don't know if mine ever got married or even in a serious relationship how I would feel about communicating with him instead of her. -Duane
appreciate your online support Duanne. I am a new subscriber , most support seems to be for the female , as if us males haven't got feelings. you shed some light on how the womans nasty tactics work , ie using children to promote their poison. why is it that husbands experience domestic abuse that isn't recognised ? my ex adulteress threatened to blame my marriage break up on mental abuse delivered by myself if I blew the whistle on her adultery so she basically blackmailed me . evil bitch thinks from between her legs and not her ears. She has been described as being a cretin by loved ones and that seems to fit. frightened that my daughter has been brainwashed by this evil sex case
I am hurting now ! My husband left me and our children in November and he cut off all contact . I know he was seeing someone else so I have filled for divorce. Do you know why he would cut off contact like ty?
Hi Camille, unfortunately that is a typical tactic and consists of the discard and silent treatment. If your ex falls into the category of having a potential personality disorder then when you filed for divorce and setup boundaries then you no longer served as a quality (or sustainable) source of narcissistic supply. Even in a "normal" relationship being rejected and replaced is going to be a difficult experience to deal with. Camille, do you suspect your ex of being a narcissist and potentially having narcissistic personality disorder? -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce -Yes I do suspect that he has something wrong with him. He has been blowing through money and has a porn addiction as well as serial cheating. I am just finding this out now. I just can't absorb how he would block us from everything and moved as if we don't exist and has a girlfriend with a son he raising instead of his own kids. I tried to work it out knowing all of this but he instigated me putting him out so he would not be the bad guy! Obtw this is our 2nd marriage and he left under the same set of circumstances!
Okay Camille thank you for the clarification. Yeah then it is the typical discard and silent treatment coupled with rubbing the new relationship in your face. It's all designed to control your emotions and basically punish you. Honestly, and I know it hurts, but if he's "moved on" (which may only be temporary) but is leaving you and your children alone take that and run with it. It will be hard on your children not understanding *why* daddy doesn't love them or want to do anything with them but I believe that situation is easier to deal with than a constant barrage of parallel parenting and conflict. I would highly recommend a good therapist to help your children through those issues and to have a neutral person to talk to - unfortunately we can't be that person for our kids and they need someone constructive to help them through it. Our jobs - well your job now - is to mitigate the damage the narcissist *is going to do* with the children while trying to build an environment for the to break this cycle of abuse. Unfortunately if you don't then they risk getting into similar relationships themselves. I did a video a few weeks ago called *Why Does Everything Make Me Mad* (ua-cam.com/video/UBDJMDLqC0g/v-deo.html) that might be helpful too. Let me also welcome you to the channel and I hope these videos will help! -Duane
Hi Camille Thomas, I am sorry for your hurt. It's one thing for your ex. to have a problem with you and leave ( not that I'm condoning his withdrawal from you) but to abandon your children as well that's downright cowardly, hurtful & irresponsible. He'll have to live with his poor choices. Think I'd be only "filling in between the lines" since I'm not aware of your personal history. If he has the traits of NPD, he would definitely not display empathy & would initiate the silent treatment to get away from his issues and exert his power over you. Expressing your thoughts & feelings is beneficial to many of us. The commentator here, Duane, is extremely knowledgeable, caring & helpful. I wish you and the family good thoughts & wishes through this very difficult emotional time. Hope that you will continue to watch these videos & others & share your thoughts if you feel comfortable doing so that your friends here may lend an ear and enable you to cope.
Our rejection is a blessing in disguise because it's Gods protection, he has something better planned for our lives, getting rejected was the best thing, I got closer to God, he will love you better than them, guide you, and won't manipulate you. God bless everyone, stay strong, and remember get through this, pass the test. Don't sulk, and remeber the past, it was an act it wasn't real. When we heal and get better, they will be the same person no matter what man there with
God is the biggest tactic of manipulation.
SAnd sop lying to yourself. You still know you want her back.
If God cared so much about "protecting" you he wouldn't have let you meet them to begin with. God Dammit.
Michael Miller That's not true. God made the human free. He gave you the liberty to choose. God also says to not be stupid i.e. watch out for deceitful people in general. Choose wisely. A person who loves will do anything for you.
@@legioner9 Man made religions wont help you against a spectrum of cluster B personality disorders...
@@legioner9 THE NARC HIDES WHO THEY ARE SO WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE YOU CAN'T PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST THEM. NO IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WON'T DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM WHEN IT HURTS YOU OR IT VIOLATES ONES VALUES.
When I found out my ex was seeing another guy I said to myself " Good ,better him than me". Haha. But one day my ex saw me driving my car with my now fiancé in my car and she sent me a nasty text not even 5 minutes after she saw us. My daughter said my ex showed everyone what she sent me and they were asking her if she was crazy since she dates other men. People believe me they don't move on. As soon as you better your life they feel uncomfortable because they are put on the spotlight (according to their sick minds) and they feel like they have to do better than you. What worked for me is to have self love and self respect and unconditional love for my children. If you're a man have more male friends , do those things that you wanted to do but felt that you couldn't, go to the gym, don't drink, don't smoke, read more , grab a wrench and fix some shit lol, read personal finances, live a minimalist lifestyle. Focus on you. Your kids will see the awesome change and will want to be with dad more. It didn't just happened to me , I had to make it happen. Situations will still arise but this time you're James Bond lol. God bless and great video Duane!
Hi Luis and thank you for the support! I believe it really all falls into their need for control and once you start to move on and the sense that you no longer are controlled by them they have to do something to lash out. Mine turned me in to the county child support services because she said she hadn't been paid everything she was entitled too (not entirely sure HOW she said it but that was the net effect). She did this the week *after* our oldest children met my girlfriend.
You make a really great point about them not *moving on* and that is another reason why I feel it is so important to minimize any interaction with them because if they *feel they are winning* then, in my experience, they will leave you alone. That was difficult at first because I wanted to *get back* at her but it's really counter productive (The War Games reference comes to mind - the only way to win is to not play the game). -Duane
+DSD I wonder if his new supply is a rebound just like I was!
luis maldonado great message, sir. Thank you for taking time sharing it
Thanks for this comment
Man.. I feel like you’ve been stalking me for 15 years! Lol. What you’re saying is almost exactly what I’ve lived through. Married for 14 rough yrs. Had 3 boys. Divorced. She’s married 4 months later to a dude she met 2 months prior to becoming divorced. “Mind blowing” is a term I’ve become FAR too familiar with. Of course I want to write out my 15 year history but I’ll control myself. Lol. Finding videos like these have literally saved my sanity. I consider myself a strong minded man, but I really thought I was losing my mind. I don’t know what stage I’m in, but videos like this have helped to predict what I’m in for and have been “mind blowing” in their accuracy. Ultimately, it’s a sad situation for all involved. If you can learn how to recognize the traits early on, you can save yourself a decade - or more. If I can recommend one thing to anyone … believe it. There REALLY are people like this that exist. In the words of Dr. Jordan Peterson “treat yourself like somebody you are responsible for taking care of”.
Ps: first comment I’ve ever made on UA-cam. Shows my passion for this subject. Lol!
I should imagine that person was in the picture a while before 2 months ?
I thought the same. That would make sense. But according to her, it was 2 months and I have no evidence to the contrary. The kids are the ones that told me about him and the time frame is accurate.
@@seanm4339 I wpuldnt believe amything your ex says tbh..No disrespect to her..If these peopke wantv future supply hidden tgeycwill do..She msy nif uave been in a telationship with this person by then but you can bet this person was beinv groomed znd waiting in the wimgs somehow..Its sll about apperiences for the Narc..Either way not a nice situation snd trust me ive been there
This guy knows what he's talking about
Thank you Yaaas I appreciate that! Welcome to the channel! -Duane
My narc ex gf moved on so quick it's like I never exsisted. It will take me some time to move on from all this. How can they move on so quick when I feel completely devastated.? Now I'm going on with my life even tho I have no job due to crushing my hand at work. Why do these people leave you at your lowest point In life? It really was like being in a fun house but I was being entertained and didn't see the illusion of real love. Time to forget her and bulid myself up. :(
@Bron One day you will realize your not at your lowest point in your life...your at a better point ... her gone is the beginning.
They are like demons that trick you and when they leave you and break your heart you have to realize you’ve been tricked and what you thought you had never actually existed.
It's because they have no soul. They can't love so nothing for them to recover from. It's like a leech - they just detach from you and find a new host - no emotion.
sorry for you mate. i been there. like the other comments i felt mine was a demon from the beginning
omg your words ring so true. I am hurting so much right now from my failed love relationship, and I just stumbled onto your videos. Everything you are saying describes my situation. I have so much I want to say to you, but don't have the words right now. I just wanted you to know this, right now. Maybe more, after I compose myself, my thoughts, and my emotions. I was just about to send her a message, after several months of no contact. Your video "Don't reach out to your Ex", dissuaded me from sending it. Thank you for your insightful videos. But the heartache is still excruciating.
Ditto my friend.
Your videos are so helpful, so good to hear exactly what I have been going through. I think that horrible phase of knowing they aren't coming back and that going back is not a good idea but deep down wanting the hope of that happening and trying to push that out of your head and getting pissed off at yourself at having those thoughts, is the worst part of the break up. Finally accepting that they are gone for good and not caring what they do from then on is a very freeing feeling.
you exactly described how I have been feeling for the last 3 months, word for word. I really want to accept that she is gone for good and not care what she does, but that flicker of a flame deep down in me, that says we will be together again, and that we will be wiser and stronger after everything, still remains in me, and is tearing me apart.
u really know what your talking about.. it really helps a lot for those men who suffered the same fate.
Thank you Leath I really appreciate that. My hope has been to do just that - help people suffering from this nightmare of a scenario! Welcome to the channel and thank you for your comment! -Duane
You described how I am feeling TOTALLY! THANKS for this video and the advice
This works the other way as well. He kept me pregnant and home. And then complained that I didn't work. Then when I offered to work or go to school, he said no and criticized me, saying that anything I wanted to do was stupid. Now I can't find a job because of my lack of experience and raising our children alone. I only receive child support. I am in school to improve my employability but it's still tough.
Never feel bad that the narc is with someone else. It's just a replay of your relationship - apparently good in the beginning but a shitshow at the end. I feel sorry for the new supply, she's got NO idea what she's dealing with - yet. Good luck to them both because they'll need it.
I suffer from everything you have spoken about. I suffer in silence in the dark. Daily.
I hope you're in a better place.
My narc moved on to a new girlfriend quickly. After the new gal dated him for a year she got my number off his phone and called me. I was shocked to say the least. She was so angry and wanted to compare notes with me. I'm not saying it was smart to talk to her but I was curious and I live 2 states away now. We talked for an hour and she was very angry!!! My ex Narc had customized his abuse to fit her needs and wants to make her suffer in his special way. She kept saying she loved him so much, it was heartbreaking. I told her about narcissistic behavior, but she could not listen. I don't think that Narcs are happy after they move on; they are incapable of being happy!
Hi JT that sounds like a rough a potentially triggering conversation. I’m sure you received some validation but at this point you probably don’t even need it. I know you say it wasn’t smart - and logically you are correct -however I’m not sure I’d be able to stop that conversation myself if someone was venting to me about their negative experience with my ex. I’d like to think I wouldn’t - but in all honesty I would probably take that call. But your experience goes to show they never really do have a good relationship afterward because they just can’t. The love bombing seems real and looks great to everyone on the outside but we have to believe and trust the reality that is happening behind the scenes. I hope you’re doing okay after that awkward conversation. -Duane
J T You are so lucky that happened! It is great you talked to her. At least you can remove any doubts or guilt that he caused. What a relief for you. I wish that happened to me. I would be in such a better place now.
J T mines Got married last year and i’m very shocked i mean this is not the first time he replaced me with another woman this is the third time and now he’s married now! I’m like WTF! Just happened did he just replaced me with someone Else or what than?
I really appreciate your honesty.
My narc ex husband and father of my son started going out with someone new while we were getting divorced, and made sure to rub it in my face. I’ve been embarrassed to admit that I’ve been feeling Like sh&@ for 3 years because of that. It made my divorce all the more painful. But recently I’ve been ok :) and actually feeling sorry for the new girl.
we have to remind ourselves that we are only human. We are caring, trusting empaths, so we are going to flare up sometimes. I believe time, logic, meditations and focusing on your own future will decompress alot of those feelings
Hi Lisa in PA,
Yes, isn't that the truth! We are "only human" And as such we have good qualities to maintain and ones that need improvement.
Believe all the great suggestions that you mentioned will help us to work through this difficult time. To focus on ourselves, is the key.
Good thoughts & wishes on your journey.
Lisa, focusing on our *own* future and *believing* that we will have one is *critical*. I also think it is equally important to realize our reactions are normal and as you said *we are only human*. It can be tough though because we are so hard on ourselves and it's easy to think/feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. -Duane
Your videos are really helping me through the hardest thing I've ever been through. So thank you. As a father going through a divorce in a family court system that is geared to favor the mother it can sometimes feel hopeless. It's almost like the level of control the narcissist had during the relationship is now magnified 100x. I must defend against lies and manipulation and in the end she gets a pay day to boot. I'm literally at the point where she now has even more control over my life then ever before. I just can't wait for it to be over.
Doug I feel for you but just remember when you crawl into bed at the end of the day, where ever that might be, she's not there. It's your own environment and she doesn't have *any control* of what you do in those moments. Now that is going to drive her crazy and she will then use the children and your money (child support and alimony) to the full extent that she can. Just remember that your reaction to that control is giving her supply. Just know that if you can *not react* it will drive her crazy and it will give you a tremendous amount of power back. I made a video that I dropped this morning (I should be in bed right now) that might be helpful talking about black hole thinking. (It might also be crap because I felt not well while making it).
Bottom line Doug you're not alone and although this is the hardest thing you've ever been through (I can so relate to that comment) you can persevere. The one benefit (if you can call it that) that you have is you are learning all of these things right now at the beginning so that means you will be able to get things under better control right off the bat instead of beating your head against the wall for years like I did.
What my videos on anger because I know the stage you are in - the whole *pay day to boot* thing *really got to me*. I wouldn't give up on fighting and just give her everything but you also have to realize that no matter what she gets it is going to make you mad. I know for me $.01 was more than she deserved and mine got a lot more than that. I hope the videos keep helping and if there is a topic that I haven't covered that would be helpful please let me know. Honestly you are the target viewer for the channel because I do not want someone to have to go through the *years* of not understand what the heck just happened. -Duane
I don’t think I will ever stop thinking about it Dwayne I adored this man and was proud of his career!🥶
Thanks Duane! I really appreciate your channel, and it has been therapeutic to watch because I can relate. I was married for 9 years with 2 children, when I found out my wife was having an affair. The other person was also married and has 4 children of his own! My ex without a doubt exhibits traits consistent with BPD. When I confronted her about the affair, she was completely non remorseful and I felt it was done as some kind of a punishment. I immediately hired an attorney and filed for court. It took 2 years (even with a great strategy) but we finally settled out of court in May, and I'm very grateful to say I was able to get 50/50 custody of the kids. The video you did with Joe Cordell was excellent. When he said that "divorce settlements come only from a position of strength" was spot on, and completely sums up my settlement situation. My ex has already introduced the other guy to the kids, and told them he was her "friend". I'm certain that he will be moving into the (formal) marrital residence soon, as he already spends time there. Everything you say about BPD people is true, and unfortunately they all seem to follow the same twisted formula. Again thanks for the channel, you're doing a great thing! Regards.
Hi Shane and I apologize for the delay in responding. I know I read your comment before and I thought I responded but apparently not.
I’m glad to hear that you finally got 50/50 that really does take a lot of perseverance when you are dealing with someone like this. I’m sure she tried everything in her power to stop that - well unless she wanted *time* for her “new friend”.
Just focus on building your relationship with your children and everything will work out. Try not to waste your time or energy thinking about what she is doing. -Duane
Thanks Duane.
Good for you, man. Seriously. You're honesty is impressive and rare. I'm really glad I found your channel. You're an inspiration even. lol. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.
I realize this is a few months old but THANK YOU. Everybody who cares about me is bordering on hateful. If I say something remotely neutral (let alone positive)about my ex the response from loved one's is BRUTAL. Example: "~Todd" was very thoughtful and had our daughter get me a birthday present.` Friend's response: "Don't feel anything for him.He hates you. He is just plotting to hurt you again. He didn't do it to be kind. He thinks you're stupid"
That is NOT helpful from friends/Loved ones. This video was extremely helpful. Thank so much for posting this.
Hi Shine On, yeah that isn’t helpful when people are trying to keep you in that state. Part of the problem is people take their own experiences, resentments, and memories with them when into someone else’s story. I think *some* people who had a bad experience wants to believe that *everyone’s* experience is a nightmare.
Bottom line and to be brutally honest it was a *really great thing* that he was able to focus on how *important* it would be to your daughter to be able to do that. It doesn’t matter if he was “plotting to hurt you” or not because the thing that is important is your daughter.
If you believe he is a narcissist and all of this is for manipulation he is at least give your daughter the illusion that you guys don’t hate each other and that is a *huge* gift. Just be careful, keep a list of reasons why you *shouldn’t* be back with him and remember actions vs words.
So I need to share that I had a very difficult time with this. After the vitriol started it was *impossible* for me to emotionally allocate ANY more money to her. I was so focused on my own anger and resentment that I just couldn’t do it. The *most* I’ve been able to do is encourage the kids to make something or plan something for their mom on different occasions. The problem is they could tell how angry I was and it complicates everything.
Honestly Shine On, there is so much negativity involved in our situations so any time you get something that is good enjoy it. That doesn’t mean you’ll let your guard down and get back together but be grateful that he was able to do something nice for your daughter (because it’s really more about her than you). -Duane
Hello, just came upon your videos... amazing this is the first time I’ve even seen but I’ve been watching numerous other videos w/this same topic trying to work thru my breakup & trying to start the divorce. It’s absolutely been super hard to let go. What makes it even tougher is the “mind games” my “ex husband” is playing... he says, “we’re broken up” but later he says “but I’m making plans for us to go somewhere together”... that’s adding to being unsure. Also our kids are the link & I don’t want to rob them of their father but they don’t want anything to do w/him bc they kno what he’s doing. But watching these videos helps... I just have to keep watching until the meaning sets in & takes affect. Thank you to you, and all those, trying to help the population get thru an extremely tough situation. Blessings.
Hi Duane, this video really hit home with me. Even though a lot of time has passed since everything happened, I spent many weeks thinking about this issue you bring up in this video. It absolutely amazing to me how fast things progressed in his life.. within weeks he moved in with her, and as soon as our divorce was finalized they got married, literally 4 days after. Of course it was very hurtful, but at the time the only emotion I was capable of having was anger and not because I wanted him back, that was one very clear thing from the very beginning and I think by me not wanting him back also made things difficult for him to handle, he was no longer wanted and although he had new supply by me not "begging" to stay I believe his reaction to this rejection was indirectly affecting his narcissistic rage tantrums, and made the whole situation much more toxic. You mentioned a few times, maybe not in this video, that when they decide they no longer need you and find their new source they just love shoving it in your face anytime they can. That is exactly what happened to me. every possible time he could. Sorry, I kind of lost my line of thinking and what I really wanted to ask is why do you think it really matters to us who basically want and know we no longer want them if they are happy or not. I often found myself thinking the same thoughts you mentioned in this video, "does he treat her better then he treated me?", "they seem so happy together", "is it possible their relationship is actually working"? In the beginning It was, "oh, this relationship won't last", "oh, they are perfect for each other", "she will wake up one day and find herself in the same mess I was". Now 5 plus years later, they are still together. I don't really think about them as often as I used to. But I think that regardless weather you were able to move on and stop these thoughts from entering your brain, in the back of your brain those questions still bounce in your head. what do think about that and how do you let that go? In all honesty I can say that it's not something I think of very often, but it is something I was always curious to know.. It's as if I know how he is and know there is no way he changed over night just because he met someone else. but still.. it's a big question mark.
Honestly Galitell the sad truth is it doesn't matter what they do it is all going to hurt. If they *move on* quickly as in your case or they just ignore you as in my case it all hurts because it just doesn't make sense. You hit on a really good point that it's not that we want them back (although sometimes some of us do) it is just the response that basically tells us *you meant nothing to me and entire relationship was a lie*. It is really hard to deal with the fact that someone can *trick* us like that and cause so much emotional pain and that it doesn't mean anything to them. We would *expect* that they would break up long ago instead of living a lie. It is a hard reality to accept and to wrap your head around. One of the reasons I talk about *absolute thinking* is because we have to *tell ourselves* that they are going to abuse the person just like they did to us mainly to help us get through it. My goal is to help people through the immediate pain and trauma and hopefully if they are with the person 5 years later by that time we just don't care and it doesn't matter. We have to detoxify from these people and get them out of our lives. Absolute thinking helps with that. But in reality their new relationship is still an illusion - just as we were tricked for a long time (20+ years in my case) - it is possible their new target might stay forever. We were just lucky enough to wake up. At the end of the day the relationship (at least in my case) wasn't healthy and wasn't good for me or our children. However it is easy for me to say because I have no idea if she's dating - *maybe* if she gets into a relationship I will have a reaction. Knowing human nature and the nature of this abuse I would imagine I will have *some type* of impact but at least I understand, I know what to look for, and heck it will make for a good video right? -Duane
I totally agree with everything you said. And it is just as simple as you said, "it makes no sense"! that's why it is so hard to accept. In my case the marriage lasted 11 years and we were together 15 years total. It is a big chunk of your life. I don't believe in god but i do use the term "thank god" a lot when i refer to my x. What ever it is that made him go out seeking for new supply to rid me of him. I thank you! weather on not you will have a reaction if you find out she is dating some one else, I think that will all the healing that you managed to do, and all the tools you put to use the only reaction you will have is happiness. I am not dating anyone right now, but I know that if and when I do, my x will be furious still.. with his claims that "he wants me to be happy" and "I wish you all the best in the world".
Oh I totally understand and can relate to that feeling Galitell! I mean this has been a nightmare but I am *so very grateful* that *something* finally happened to *wake me up* and force me to start to see the reality. Mine wasn't as painful as a *new source of supply* but it still hurts to be *discarded* as if you have no value for what appears to be nothing. We are all truly lucky that we were able to escape and have an real opportunity to have a life without the constant emotional abuse.
I feel for you, I experienced a similar situation. Unfortunately this is a reoccurring theme among people with a personality disorder.
When I see or hear something about them I have to go back on these channels to remind myself . Thank you for explaining this in such a way
Absolutely John I'm glad it has been helpful! -Duane
Duane you are doing an amazing job. I have my first hearing next week and going through your videos is helping me to keep calm. I have seen my child 10 days in more than three months and she is saying that I am crazy and all kinds of terrible things, including that I threaned them with a knife after hurting myself or that my eyes sometimes turn white and talk to myself in two different voices among other terrible things. The video with the lawyer has been really helpful. It still surprises me how all these beings with no moral code act almost in the same way. The moment you understand in an emotional way what is really happening, is when you can focus on your life and keep moving forward. The moment you look back, you will regret it, if you show any weakness you will regret it. It is like a zero sum game, the stronger you are the weaker they become to hurt or manipulate you. Whether you understand this and go on with your life or they will make you learn it the hard way
Thank you Carlos and I hope your hearing goes well. As I've said in numerous videos just because they said something doesn't mean it is true and doesn't mean everyone (and the courts) will believe them. You just have to make sure you remain calm and grounded and DO NOT validate any claims - so make sure you don't have an out of body experience speaking tongues during court. My ex tried a very similar tactic saying I was a danger to myself and our children BUT the one difference is I was still picking the kids up and taking them to school every day. I'm not sure about the court system in Spain but I would imagine all family courts are very similar. You may not get everything you want but I would imagine you are going to get more access to your child. Good luck Carlos! -Duane
I had this happen to me. I took him back thinking he was a changed man. He did all the things he “hated” doing with me with someone else... once we got back together he didn’t want to do anything with me... and he ended saying he was leaving again after I asked him not to be on his phone so much... he reason for leaving... he knows there’s another guy... smh... now I’m crushed for the second time from the same person
Sometimes we have to go back to really prove to ourselves what we’re dealing with. I hate it when I hear about it but I also understand. Hopefully after this time you know and realize he can’t and won’t change and you have to do you can heal and survive past this - and you will Beca!
DSD thank you so much. Your videos have really helped me. I’m now seen a therapist to help me deal with this as well. Keep doing what you do please!
That’s great Beca, I hope you found a really good one!!! Thank you for the support and encouragement I really appreciate that!
This so accurate. Its been 14 months since I found out that my ex was seeing multiple people. The lies, the betrayal, the hurt was so deep, that I felt utterly broken. Now I am divorced but finances are not sorted. Hence the ex is still in my life. Making life extremely difficult, and not just for me but for others in the family. Its such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, love, hate, love, anger, hate and more hate, sentiment, and memories. Time that you spent together, things that you did. Your past is unknown, that is the real tragedy because you find you never knew them, and you never knew what was genuine and what was a lie. In the meantime I have witnessed him discard a few people, and very quickly I should I add. But its difficult because I had my support and how do we discuss these fluctuating emotions and feelings with people who think or believe that we have, and/or should have moved on. It feels like we are betraying their loyalty to us by having these emotions and feelings. Since they stood with us through it all. I guess its at the heart of trauma bonding, something very difficult to discuss with those who have not experienced this. Trauma bonding is in its essence our SURVIVIAL kit. The only thing we knew to get us through the narcissists unpredictable behaviours and rages. The only thing that helps us try to balance a situation which most of the time we had absolutely no control over. I used my anger in the way of motivating energy, it helped me for a while. But I am so very tired now. I suspect that this is a gradual process of healing. and I suspect that it will take time. ..and I think that I will have to try to accept that. Thank you for your insights and sharing your experiences that will help many come to terms with one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with a narcissist in our lives.
Lost my now x-girlfriend on our anniversary to somebody else that same night.. I just wanna say I'm so "happy" more like blessed that somehow this channel was recommended to me.. I kinda was in a relationship with her a lil around a month after my first love left me 2 1/2 nights before our 4 year anniversary in a near-constant on/off relationship - from somebody who's been through a livin hell of a life I just wanna thank you for uploadin vids like these it speaks straight to my soul - I lost my x, my phone & my job within 24 hours of her leavin.. From somebody who has anxiety & depression from a livin hell of a past - I've been used to bein hurt & just used & abused just to be left to die - literally & figuratively - just.. thank you for these vids - your words speak straight to my soul - from various events in my life from abuse, neglect, bein a rape victim 2x's in my life, dealin with heartbreak various times within 18 years of my life - I've always struggled with suicide & attempted at least 52x's in my life yet in addition to all the people that care for me that i care about & love - it's also support like this that actually makes me want to keep livin -I've been through a lot in my life.. just thank you so much for just havin vids like these.. Your words speak deep to me & I'm sorry if this is bein a lil repetative but just.. thank you so much i just view these as so helpful to all the chaos & distress in my life.. >_
You should have a tutorial video for people that put a video on UA-cam. Unlike so many others on UA-cam the production of your videos are both audio and visually, are just about perfect.
Great idea Toneman and thank you for the compliment. I have a tech channel that I need to devote more time to for just that - I have a couple videos over there but I spend most (all) of my time here on this channel.-Duane
thank you so much for your content!!! you have helped me alot
Glad to hear it was helpful Stephen but sorry you're going through this! Hang in there!
Thank you for your very pertinent and wise words. I was 'hook line and sinkered'
Still can't get over the fact that I meant nothing to him. . Unbelievable . .
Don't sell yourself short . You meant something trust .
Elaine that was the hardest part for me to grapple with. The fact all that time was a lie. I understand where Joe is coming from but the reality is what we “meant” to them was nothing like we expected. Western Alliance is spot on, we have to learn to self validate because that is when we can set healthy boundaries and not allow toxic people in our lives!
This is a realization i had to come to after my ex started dating his current girlfriend and they seem so happy and perfect and she tells me about how he's never done this or that to her and he says he doesn't "have to lie to her."
The fact is, it doesn't matter how well he treats her. He was never going to be a good husband to me. He was never going to change for me. So even IF he treats her right forever, it doesn't matter because if i had stayed, he would have abused me forever.
Also, i do believe he will continue the abuse cycle with her eventually. But that realization did help me cope.
I'm so heart broken for unable to move on, then I got sick and become weaker and weaker. I see no hope anymore to have him back.
Hi Mayumi, yeah it can really get you stuck. I felt as though I was in idling car that wasn't in gear and I was making ZERO progress. Even when you get to the point that you don't want them back - or you logically know it isn't healthy for you - its still hard and is going to take time to basically detoxify your life from their narcissistic abuse. That's a problem because *most* people just don't understand (unless they've been through it) and their advice (albeit trying to be helpful) isn't helpful because they don't understand that connection and pain and they *think* you should just be able to "get over it". Just know you're not alone with this and that you will get strong with time as you work through the process of healing. (But you have to do the work otherwise you're masking the problems and they will ultimately come back). -Duane
DSD -- thank you Duane, yes it feels like eternity pain for me :(
Take the bitter pill Mayumi.I allowed her back the pain the second time is more than twice as bad..They cannot ever learn true humanity( they may not even be full human)
Dont ever discard the idea there are literal demons in amongst us!
@@mayumiichikawa557 Trauma bonding and potential PTSD..
@@bullsnutsoz the second time is worse for sure and then you get the how can i be so dumb , they did exact same thing second time
Great stuff. It's amazing how much I can relate to it ALL. Thank you.
Thanks for the support Overcomer - yeah it's really all from the same playbook so a lot of this is very common. -Duane
Hello, new watcher here. Everything you have said, I am going through right now. There are rumours he may have got someone pregnant, that really hurts. It's a two steps forward one step back thing right now. When I think I am getting over it, something happens, and I feel like crap again. Thank you so much for the video, I can really relate.
Mine dropped me cause I called her a hypocrite which she is. She can say and do anything but if I do it she will call me out on it. We had such a good time together too and the sex was amazing. Had trips planned and we just got back from a trip meeting her parents. That is the hardest part how they can just forget all the stuff you did and discard you like you mean nothing.
Hi WangDiddy and welcome to the channel! Yeah it is really hard how they can “flip a switch” and it is like we never meant anything. The sad truth? We didn’t mean anything to them. Unfortunately you are a means to an end with a narcissist and it is all about what they can “get” from you. Once you no longer serve that purpose - or they think they can/have found something “better” then can move on in an instant. The really crazy part is if they decide the “new supply” isn’t good oftentimes they will come back around (hoover) to try and suck you back in. -Duane
I usually don't fall easily for someone but she seemed perfect when things were good. And I totally ignored the red flags. She even told me she had a switch to turn her feelings off. I am still trying to wrap my head around all this. I even find myself making excuses for her sometimes. She is going through a divorce but she said she is completely over the guy but i think she is lying about that too. I honestly don't know what to believe but I know I can't keep putting myself in this situation. I even asked her straight out if she wanted to be with me and if she sees a future with me. she said i dont know how you can pressure me in either way. We have been doing this since feb so I am ready to move on if she isnt serious. She told me to move on then. I was like that's all i needed to know.
thedude The same thing happened to me. I kept on telling her I was tired of her double standards. I understand what you mean. They take everything for granted and replace you.
Christopher Esposito Yep then they try to come back like nothing happened and everything should just be ok
@@DSD Surely not if you've worked them out and too much had happened between you to expose their mask..?
Thanks for the videos - they are a great source of support when dealing with this type of crazy ex
They womt love bomb and hoover when they know the game is finally up
That must be a thing with them. My ex did things with the new supply that we talked about doing.
Empower Empaths like what though and i’m very sorry to hear that though?
Omg I'm so glad I found you.
Hi Cutie Pie, yeah, this is probably one of the hardest things we have to go through in our lifetimes. The hurt and betrayal is really more than we can really wrap our heads around. Plus when you add in the “fact” that they can just “turn it off” as if we never existed it is really hard to process. Then we have to wrap our heads around the *fact* that it was all an illusion and wasn’t a real relationship (to them at least). So is “easy” for them because we served a purpose (of providing supply) and now, since that isn’t our role anymore, we effectively no longer have a purpose in their lives. Now we can provide them supply simply by chasing them and trying to reconnect. It does get easier with time and I have some other videos that talk about the specific techniques that really help. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce
I'm pretty much watching all of your videos.
LOL well after 5 days I hope you're not sick of me yet!
Hi Duane. Your videos are a great help to me in my situation. Basically we were married (actually we still are as we are not divorced yet). One day out of the blue I got the old ‘can we talk’ ? line. Actually it was her telling me she was leaving me and there would be no discussion. When I tried to talk her out of it she just opened fire with all the stuff she ‘hates’ about me and the expectations such as a new house, new car, etc that we’re not met by me. For 4 years I kept her and her son and treated him like my own flesh and blood. She even admitted I was a great stepdad. Anyway, she stayed the week and finalised her affairs, and all the time I was thinking she would change her mind. Alas, I received a text message whilst I was at work telling me that they were gone and it was time to move on. That was it. I was destroyed. No chance to say goodbye to my stepson even. A few weeks later I emailed her and she then told me to get on with my life and she was never coming back and finally, we would never be friends. She left me 1 day before my birthday and on my birthday she actually sent me a birthday message. Talk about confused. It’s been 8 months now and a so called mutual friend who she still keeps in contact with told me she had a new man, and he is buying expensive handbags, etc for her. This triggered another depressing response in me as I remembered how I looked after her and my stepson and did and tried to give them everything both emotionally and financially. She will not even allow contact with my stepson. I appreciate there are others going through similar scenarios, and your videos and others comments really help. Thanks again.
knowledge is power, and I mean in a positive way! the more we learn about toxic people the more we can identify it and know sooner than later how to deal with such a person.
That is so very true GGator. Don't you find it amazing once you can see these people to also see their targets blinding following along, getting emotionally abused, and walking around like they are in a fog? Because, they ARE in a fog... -Duane
My ex narc was having an affair for 4 years before his new woman gave him enough ultimatums to make him move out. She left her husband and 2 kids and told him if he didn’t leave us , she would disappear because she was ‘so humiliated’.
My discard was prolonged, painful, traumatic, hurtful, vicious. I nearly died from the virus he gave me.
My entire marriage was an illusion apparently. And i am still coming to terms with the fact that there was never any love on his part anyway.. and that’s’ show he replaced me so fast, and felt nothing , and moved on with her like I never mattered, nor our kids, nor these 17 years.
Great as in every video..This is an additional support..actually I've spot this feelings in few occasions although I'm strong enough now and I wondered why...Thanks a lot!
Hi Monica, yeah all of this is just so darn hurtful, it's another methodology to further abuse you. It really hurts when it's as if there is zero down time to move on and erase you from their lives. I'm glad to hear you are stronger now and it doesn't impact you. It too me *a long time* to get through that phase of this! -Duane
i am 60 years old. throughout my life i have dealt with relationship break-ups. took a bit of pain and crying, but it was just normal for a break-up. my last relationship with the covert narc is something i have never experienced. it has been 14 months. i went through so much mental pain and physical problems (ptsd, adrenal fatigue, panic disorder) that i still am not back to normal. i find this really strange. i bought a book by H.G. Tudor called exorcism. i am 1/3 through the book. it is shocking. he explains the mind control narcissists use on their significant other. step by step, they do the same things to capture people. it is sick. the overt narc i had long ago did not do these things. i got over him easily. the covert narc did these things to a tee. there are youtube videos on how to mind control women which i did not watch. the mean and sweet cycle is highly damaging as is the silent treatment. Tudor explains how to undo the manipulation which i didn't get to yet. i am having trouble with negative thoughts. not just thoughts of what the narc did. negative thoughts about my past and present. i know how to keep pushing the thoughts out, but i find that part strange also since i am normally an optimist. what i have is just wait it out. things are ever so slowly getting better. this is absolutely not normal.
Tudor mentions a thing called ever presence. i caught the narc ex doing this to me the other day. before the break-up, he would have me look at the sunset with him. he was usually nasty then, but at sunset time, he would put his arm around me and say how nice things were. how pretty the sunset was. i felt something was weird at the time, but dismissed it. now he comes over and says look at the nice sunshine. he got the sun to bring him to mind. ever presence. just one thing mentioned in the book. creepy.
Listening to H.G. Tudor is really kind of creepy but it is a great way to get the perspective of the abuser. I haven't read any of his books so you'll have to let us know if his book really helps show you how to undo that abuse. "Ever Presence" what an insidious way to get them stuck in your head - I'm glad my ex didn't do that - but that sure sounds like pure evil. -Duane
I haven’t dealt with it I’m still in shock almost four years later and parental alienation I’m stick!🥶🇨🇦
Deliberately unemployed to give you difficulty??? The person truly hates herself...To spends ones life to give others anguish....Their only mission on earth. Not sorry for her and other narc monsters. You are terrific person, Duane....Remember that all the time. And this will one day be a vague memory....I have been there in romance relationships. Vague memory now unless some good will ambassador brings them up....And drop the ambassador!! Ex husband fell to drugs and we have not spoken in several years. Narc mom is chasing me now since I did not answer her birthday calls to me. I stopped talking to everyone. Why fear?...They are going to do what they want/plot to do anyway. Your ex??? I am concerned about the maternal deprivation they(kids) undergo...from the crib.. SHE cannot love. Whom she has targeted as the scapegoat . You have already zeroed down on that...and taking precautions..I.am sure.
I love your channel thank you so much for helping with the healing process.
Thank you Laura I truly appreciate that! 😀
You spoke right to me and I thank you for your help ❤️
Thank you for the feedback and I’m glad it was helpful for you Chantal.
It’s being 10 1/2 months. I’m still listening to these videos to feel better..,.
Tried to move on and meet people. It’s hard. There’s these tiny sad feeling deep inside you ready to creep on you at any given moment.
Hi James, I hear you it took me a really long time to start feeling better as well. I actually turned to a combination of therapy, youtube videos, books, and hypnosis. If you're interested in the latter I have a link to the ones I used at www.dadsurvivingdivorce.com/hypnosis maybe that could be helpful for you too.
The thing to remember even though it does take a long time to really heal from this you can. It's just really tough because you can get stuck thinking that you won't and that it is taking longer than it should.
Spot on again, my Ex was with a colleague immediately + a few yrs down the line, he not only replaced me but our kids, he had a baby with her when he’s 47 and our teenage kids don’t speak to him + refuse to meet her., I still think how easily we were replaced.
I hear you. Although it doesn't fix anything, it was great to talk to my ex a month ago to hear that she's getting married but is so so miserable. She threw this new guy under the bus for an hour or so. She is afraid of him, says he's super controlling and that she's only there because she had nowhere else to go. Priceless.
Good point and great validation in your.case. A lot of the time that doesn’t happen or at least not so obviously and as soo. So definitely good for you Suds! 👍🏻
Nice... Total validation for you. I too was given some when the guy she ditched me for suddenly just disappeared from the picture. I had no idea because i hadn't been looking, but her whole tone suddenly changed with me so I looked. Sure enough, he was nowhere to be found and she was tweeting all kinds of funky stuff trying to get him back then accepting it and then finally making mean sarcastic jabs. All of that after she'd been love bombing the hell out of him and securing him for three months behind my back. Ironically, I was blamed for that too, even though I'd had no contact with her for months. My first thought was that maybe the mask had slipped a bit and (unlike me) he listened up when the alarms went off. Or maybe he was just a selfish jerk who used her. Either way, I honestly don't really care why anymore, other than maybe getting a little bit of my own validation and confirming my theory...
It was hell.... yes. It was a personality disorder the ex had, and yes have to use absolute thinking for my own sanity, I agree. And anything that looks good is idealisation phase. So spot on. The not thinking part about it is hellish part to do.
great video. this feeling is awfull. I can so relate to this. and he got me back two times. but now when i understand what he is and what he has done, i will never let him get me again. this is so importent to talk about. I wish i had seen this video back then, then I could understand what was happening to me. why i could't stop crying. thank you Duane.
Thank you for the feedback Emma and I'm glad the video helped you - honestly I wish we ALL could have had this information at the beginning - we would have save ourselves a tremendous about of grief and heartache (I guess that's the same thing though). -Duane
If you have any negative thoughts about the ex narc, I really think it's more about them ripping you off. She's such an unlikable person I could care less who she sees. I really just feel sorry for whoever she is with...
What's really cool is my significant other is an import and extremely pretty. It is fun when the ex sees her because I know it eats her up. Narcs are really jealous people and the better you do the worse they will feel about themselves. What does piss me off is all the other crap she pulled. Ripping off money from me via the court system, ripping off what was set aside for the kids, acting like she is a nice person when she's the most loathsome being I know, smearing my name when she was guilty as hell over the same things and much more. They don't deserve to be happy. Not after the crap they pull on the people around them. ...on a side note I was giving her the "no, limited contact" when the whole thing started. She actually had the nerve to ask that we have dinner....during our divorce! LOL. Stupid bitch.
That is a really good point Tyr and I think that has been my key issue bringing me back to that *pit of dispair*. I've had the same experience with the court system and money and I honestly believe its mainly just a tactic they use to try and continue the control and manipulation of our emotions. A while ago I was talking to a female coworker about divorce and custody - she said her husband's ex was a monster until they were older. I responded with, "Until the ransom stopped." She looked at me oddly thinking about and and agreed with it - I don't think she had thought about it before. The sad part is once they no longer can use family court, department of child support services and other programs/departments as surrogates then they shift to a new process. It makes sense that she would *ask that you have dinner* because she wasn't getting supply from you anymore. I've had similar experiences with my ex over the last six months where she wants to "talk" more. That ship has sailed so to speak and the hybrid no contact is working very well for me. -Duane
Yep, "hybrid no contact", coined by you is an excellent way to handle it. I'm at the end of her being able to do anything to me. She ran out of ammo a while ago. Like your vids Duane! Excellent stuff! You've helped me a bunch. Hang in there for all your subscribers. I know there are people here that have recently awoken to this nonsense and need to interaction that the vids provide. Thx again.
Thank you for saying that Tyr and for the support! I really appreciate it! -Duane
-COMMENTS/DISCUSSION REMOVED- Please everyone needs to treat each other with respect and personal attacks are not appropriate. -Duane
Hi Duane,
Thank you for your vigilance!
we care more about ourselves than what we want to admit to because if we didn't we wouldn't be so upset about the damage and the evil that these beings have been to us so that's part of the problem the fact that they got over on us and that they make us feel like we're yet less than human
I connect with your videos. TY
I'm glad its helpful and sorry you're going through this za.
@@DSD Hey DSD. Thank you and I'm making the best of it. Curious about something that I wanted to ask you, but not publicly. Is there a way to message you privately somehow to chat? Let me know and thanks either way.
- Z
There is an email in all the video descriptions or you can do it through discord. I don’t use Facebook or instagram that much but you could also use those. I do have a tough time getting back to people with the quantity of messages but I do try.
@@DSD Sounds good. I'll try the email; thanks again and hope to connect soon. Cheers.
I amso glad that you understand what I'm going through I really feel so lost here and not to mention very confused mentally in my head like wtf did I do wrong to deserve this?
You didn't do *anything* Val to deserve this. You, like many, were a target and you fell under their spell. They *never* start out as the abusive person they mirror what you want and tell you everything that you want to hear. Then things change and we're stuck chasing that initial feeling that we've lost and crave so much. Then when they are done because either they've found someone "new" or they realize we will no longer be the supply they need they just walk away. They were never emotionally invested in the relationship so their isn't any real feelings there to keep them. and it hurts like hell when that happens. Hang in there Val it does get better it just takes a lot of time to detoxify from their emotional abuse. -Duane
+DSD So their what? I mean their behavior is just immature to me! I mean I get it now that hate taking accountability for their actions! I mean it makes sense now who they really are I mean the silent treatment and the disappearing acts too! I mean at first I thought only 17 year olds act this way! But he's an adult just like me and still behaves this way? It's like they never change and can't!
Hi Dwayne I'll translate this into English. I have a 5.5 year old son who has been in this struggle with her for years and I do not realize that she has damaged our son with her lifestyle also makes choices that are said in it. my biggest problem is that if see have a new friend again and that is number 3 then to me ,, that see did not fully focus on this relationship what she then has. said may quietly have a friend, but I know that because she is heavy narcisstic it also does everything in impulsive. and because they are bad against being alone. I don't want my child who lives with her to meet new friends, and then to say goodbye again afterwards. Can you imagine that my son knows how to develop bonding problems or separation anxiety. if my ex does not feel like it anymore she stamps it out so i know. and that is what I have already made known everywhere. but most agencies say frank let it go you are not over her. I think pffff rotten man this is not about me and my feelings, but about my son who must experience a lot of shit when my crazy ex once again throws himself at the feet of a new guy. I am against that Dwayne my child is damaged and learns to deal with people in the wrong way. and will soon become a narcissus. what I know to do against this is despondent. thank you frank
Sorry english translition google is bad
The best thing is to not know what your ex is doing. I never look on Facebook, I stay far away. However, I recognize myself in the fact that I cannot get my ex out if my mind. It is like a spinning wheel that does not stop.
I long for a person who abused me, who found another before I left.....it's driving me nuts.
I fell in love with a ghost of a turtle. I married him. Then the turtle disappeared and into the shell came a snarling wolf who hurt me. Then the turtle came back to lovebomb me. In the end, they left, and all I had was an empty shell. I loved and sacrificed so much for an empty shell thst could not give love in return. That's how I see it.
I never fully grasped Stockholm Syndrome until I experienced this.
Great point Matthew - there are definitely a lot of things with this that people just don't understand unless they've been through it.
What the duck? My jaw, dropped to the 9th level, this guy UNDERSTANDS. Blown away, sorry I`m in shock. Thanks for the great insight!
Thanks Nes I appreciate that! Sometimes you just have to find the right puzzle pieces that puts everything into perspective!
thank you for this video...it all makes sense now.
You’re very welcome Lord Prutsikas and I’m glad to hear this helped. As you already know this can be such a nightmare and the one thing we are missing are answers. It’s a slow process to truly heal and I hope you’re starting to see the possibility of hope of life after this experience. -Duane
@@DSD Exactly...I wish I had seen your videos earlier, while I was still with her, this would save me so much energy, time and money. This is a very serious disorder and people need to be informed. I was so naive and believed that these are mind games all women play...but it was clearly manipulation from day one. Nothing was real it was just an Illusion and as time goes by everything connects. She discarded me on the phone the day after I told her politely that my wishes and feelings also count. She gave me the evil stare and became totally paranoid the following days. She just couldnt accept the fact that I slightly criticized her and pointed out her shallowness and superficiality. It was a great narcissistic injury. There was no real closure or final meeting in the end...after a year of relationship. And the crazy thing is that it was the first and last time I tried to discuss with her...I feel really sorry that this woman is a primary school teacher
Thanks. Great video.
I was with my ex for 9 years and he didnt work a day during that time. He lived with his mom and when I came in the pic, he was asking me to contribute financially to household, mind you I would stay with them on and off. It was horrible.
Yeah it is amazing what we will consider "okay" when we are with someone and trying to make things work. Generally it isn't until the relationship is over that we *really* start to see what was going on. -Duane
My narcissist started having sex with multiple men soon after the discard I heard. He left me right after he got back from him 36 day summer camp and we were even planning on seeing each other. I was initially really hurt, but thank God I’m not with him anymore. He’s a sex addict and he even admitted to cheating on me while he was at the camp. I can’t believe I let him in my life. This 2 month “relationship” completely changed my life.
Hi Kevin yeah people like this are masters at sucking people in. The love bombing and mirror stages really draw you in and it doesn't matter if it is a short term or long term relationship it is still a chore to heal from. I'm glad to hear it was quick because at least the connections are not "as" deep as opposed to having property, friends, money, etc all intertwined. The other "good" thing about this is that you'll learn about this personality type AND be better able to recognize it going forward. Sorry for what you're going through because I know how much of a mind game this all is. -Duane
My relationship with a cluster B was about 3 months long - but it had such a profound effect on me, like no other.
So, as I was listening to this, I realize that actually I am afraid because of the accusations that had been thrown at me in the more turbulent parts of breaking up - my wife and I have been separated for about 5-6 months, no motion on divorce just yet.
But, I’m at a stage where honestly, there are other women catching my eye. The thing is, how can I be sure, like absolutely positive that what I think or feel isn’t me being disordered, that I’m not actually guilty of love-bombing or idealization in a pathological way?
I’m sure that that happens to some degree in the beginning of all relationships. But right now it scares the crap out of me. All the while I was being abused, I was told over and over again that I was the abuser... that’s not true.
This is really tough.
Hi Nightwing Octopus - well the first thing I’d like to say, especially if you strongly suspect that your marriage was highly toxic and potentially disorders, is that 5 to 6 months is not really much time. I completely understand *wanting* to find another relationship and to be wanted and such. I went through something similar and I thought being along was a bad thing. It is much more complicated than what I can say in a couple of sentences here but you **might** understand what I’m trying to say.
The other thing I will mention is that since you are seriously the question and are worried about your own potential issues that is a really good sign because a narcissistic disorder person doesn’t question their own culpability in regards to their past relationships. Honestly Hightwing I would really encourage you to take a break from dating and really spend time working on yourself. I’d even recommend the book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends (there is a link to it on my resources tab on my website).
The other thing you’re probably not considering is how your ex is going to respond when she realizes you’re moving on with your life. Toxic people tend to really cause serious problems when that happens and you want to make sure you are *absolutely* ready for that *when* it happens.
Hey Duane, thanks so much for your reply. I’ll look up your book recommendation. Thanks again
Let me know what you think and if it helps you. I know different things reach people differently.
Caught u sayin farts!!!!!💩💩💩 😂😂😂😂 that was funny. Anyhow thanks for your advice. Its excellent. I continue watching your videos to keep me going no contact
Thats a great way to describe an ex
This is a helpful video on what I consider to be a vitally important topic that I am currently experiencing post covert narcissistic abuse and discard. There are very few videos that acknowledge both how very painful it is and how very difficult it is to " just get over it." There needs to be much more out there about this topic that focuses on being real about the challenges of this and of course real strategies (multiple strategies) for moving through this part of narcissistic abuse recovery. Thank you and make more on this topic!
I probably need to make a playlist for all the videos I’ve made on this subject and I should also readdress it. You are absolutely correct this message is critically important. People just don’t understand how difficult it really is (for both men and women) to recover from a toxic narcissistic emotionally abusive relationship. Everyone just assumes you can “let it go” and “move on” and then they just don’t understand WHY we are trapped. It is so not helpful when people say those thins and it just makes us feel 100% worse thinking that there must be something fundamentally wrong with us to be stuck. If you ever find someone in this mode please share this video with them - maybe it can help them as well! -Duane
We were never together....we were just “friends” and I had feelings that developed and ultimately ruined my life lmao 🤣 let’s be real and he led me on and played games. We both lied to ourselves and each other. He cut me off cold turkey 🦃 and seems to be so unbothered by it. I dnt see how you can say you love and care abt someone than turn around and kick that person to the curb as if I didn’t exist or I dnt matter.
Well, it's because it didn't really matter to them and they were saying those things to get what they wanted from you. Its really sick because they can just *turn it off* in an instant and we're left dumbfounded because how can a person - who said all those things - do what they are doing now. Unfortunately its because it wasn't real to them and they were just playing a part.
DSD thank you for responding and yes so true. It’s hurtful but I’m learning as you have shown over time you do move on and realize you deserve so much better!
@@PsychedPerspectiveI was told "I just can't turn feelings on and off like a switch. Can't tell you what you want to hear", but that is exactly what he was doing. Playing with my emotions and keeping me hooked. He enjoyed hurting me and then saying it was MY fault. The abuse is horrible. I am out and in no contact, but he lives in my mind....
Why are we “DISCARDED”?
Been 1.5 years. Still not really over it. I struggle to want to find someone new. I invested so heavily in that relationship. Yet she moved on 11 months ago like it was nothing. We were together 5 years. "They're just memories", she said. That hurt.
Finding closure is so difficult and elusive. We unfortunately have to find it ourselves. It took me a few years to reconcile all of this. Ultimately the hypnosis files I reference on the resource tab on the DSD website is what really helped me. Check them out they might help you too.
@@DSD Thank you, I'll have a look 🙂
Exactly the relationship was an illusion. However, reflecting back on the 12 year relationship I had with my ex and examined it in-depth from its beginning to end my relationship closely resembles the one portrayed in the movie: 500 Days of Summer. Looking back we met a few days before valentines day. From the very beginning it was hot and heavy as we were young with lots of energy and travelled and spent just about everyday together. But just like the scene reality versus expectations in the movie my ex told me from the very beginning " I just want to enjoy my time with you now but then in the summer I am leaving New York and go to college in Miami Florida". At first, I was cool with it but when time came and went and it was time for her to leave she simply said: ok I have to go. At that time I was in a trance stage and felt strongly that she was the one and so I expressed to her that I wanted to go to Miami as well. Looking back that was the worst mistake that I made. As I now realize that even though we could not get enough of each other, for her the relationship was basically a friends with benefits one. Just like the one portrayed in the movie!. In Miami after living with her for two years the relationship shifted in which she became very controlling and thus I supposed the beginning of the discarding faze began. At the time, my intuition was telling me to get out of the relationship and I eventually told her I was moving back to New York. This time however, she was the one that attached herself to me she resigned from the University of Miami came with me to New York and finished her degree. Despite, her constant put downs I convinced myself that again she was the one because she made the sacrifice of leaving the school and the weather she enjoyed to come with me. Further, she push and push for me to marry her until I just gave in. You may ask, why am I telling my story? Because as I caught her in the act of completely discarding me and having numerous affairs she reminded me of the mistake I made of FOLLOWING her to Miami...Now despite my ex wife being in her late 30s she looks great as she hits the gym on a contant basis. Less than a year ago she met a guy and he quickly married her. He knows that the marriage ended because of the affair but just like me I can see it in his face he is in a trance like stage because of her beauty and love bombing stage. At first I was very hurt because now my three sons have a step dad. However, it seems that he is good to the children as they speak highly of him and often include him in the stories they write in their homework...Although from time to time I feel a lot of pain from all of the events in this relationship, i have learn to focus on reality and to practice indifference. No longer I get mad when my ex wife comes out yelling at me. Slowly but shortly she too is accepting the fact that I am now completely over her and that she is incapable of getting a reaction from me. 500 Days of Summer is a great great movie! Although, it is a very painful film for me to watch as I grew up having the same dangerous delusional unrealistic expectations as the main character did in the film.
Hi Volatile Bliss - thank you for sharing that story. Your experience brought back memories of my early relationship with the ex. I think that is is really great explanation of how we are sucked into these relationships in the first place. I haven't seen 500 Days of Summer but I think I need to look that one up. I would imagine when she said she was moving with you it probably felt like she actually cared about you it is amazing how we process things when we are with these people. I think, unfortunately, it is very normal for us to be tormented by the past memories (both good and bad) and it is a difficult process to move past. In my experience getting thoughts of her out of my head has been the game changer for me. It would be much better if we didn't have to go through this - and continue to go through this - but to me it beats being back in that nightmare (without knowing it). So how are you coping with all of it now, is it still a struggle? -Duane
As we all know, coping with this dysfunctional situation we find ourselves in is very Challenging However, the wise cliché "Time heals everything" seems to hold a lot of weigh. In my case, I feel blessed that get to see my children at least three days per week. On the days in which I am not with them I go and ride my bike after work or if it is too cold go for a jog. Further, I am an amateur violin and viola player and so I keep myself busy learning new musical pieces. I enjoy this Hobie so much that soon I am going to start an amateur classical chamber music group in my area with the use of the Meeup website. I am trying to find a church that would allow me to host this meetup group. Also, on my drive to work I listen to the content that you produce ( I thank you very much for your dedication to your channel) as well as mgtow videos and other content in which deals with the topic of co-dependency as well as how to be a good father. In all, it seems that I am able to keep away from falling into a depression by just keeping myself active and busy. And just like the narcissist: focusing on the well being of myself but unlike them focusing also on the mental well being of the children as well.
Thank you for sharing that Volatile Bliss I really appreciate it and I'm really glad I play a part in your recovery from this. Your comment really keys in on how you have to focus on yourself and creating a positive environment to change things up. It is a struggle at times to fight that overwhelming oppressiveness of this situation but it sounds like you have a really solid way forward! I love that you're also looking to create a amateur classical chamber music group that is really awesome! -Duane
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying?? Were you just a person to use until they find who they really love??
I don't have anything. No hovering? No harassment at all. Just silence. Like our relationship and the children never existed. I know he was gone emotionally for long before he left us. It hurts that he lied and cheated and stole from his own existing family to cultivate a new one and did not care about the destruction it caused! The children and older almost young adults and appear to be dealing well enough. It is me that can't let it go. I think that the fact we have been replaced and forgotten about is worse as it truly shows they did not give a damn about you or the kids. I now am scared to leave the house for fear I will see him out and happy with the new relationship.
Thank you!!!
Hi Duane,
Thank you for bringing up this "touchy" subject, "How Can They Just Move On?" Something for the most part that we would rather not entertain. Why would we want to put the scalpel to our heart?
Bottom line....I think we will always have a connection with them. We were once in love with them. And in your case you had children together...much more difficult. I don't think you can forget that. No, they may not have loved us but we cannot deny the feeling that we had for them.
However, I think we can still move forward as you have proven. Will we ever return to them? I cannot say emphatically that I wouldn't fall back in.
I think you should only talk about them when you feel the need. Otherwise, as I did last night, I did not talk about him with my friend. Did I think about him? Yes. However, I enjoyed a fun night. The food was good, the company was good and the crowd was friendly.
Was tempted the other night to look him up on Facebook. I decided not to. That's a + change that I have made whereas before I did do exactly that.
I conjure up these scenarios @ x's who is he with, what stage of NPD is he going through with her, etc. Also know he may be withdrawn over a professional/ personal dilemma.
We just don't know. However, it feels a little better to me if he's in the latter.
Still feel mostly sad @ x's infrequently, less angered why I allowed to let this relationship go on. But as I have said in the past, there was a paradigm shift that took place a couple of yrs., ago & I noticeably pulled away but it took time. I "dragged my feet" but couldn't leave until I was ready. Perhaps, it was coupled with his pulling away physically/emotionally too.
Take care. Looking forward to your next video.
Hi Tigerprint, you are absolutely correct we will always have an emotional connection to them (well after time it will fade away) but if there are children the recovery process is much more complicated (but I believe we all can recover from that as well).
On the relationship with them side of things - I think it is a huge risk. We have this past illusion with them and if they are allowed to *get close* I think it would be easy for them to restart their process. Remember they are *masters* at watching you/us and saying what we want them too. In the beginning they can even have their actions follow their words. Personally I think it is not healthy to have a "friendship" with them unless you are absolute that it will *never* be anything more. If you know that in your heart then fine - but if there are *any doubts* then just stay away.
At the end of the day you have to realize that you *wanted the illusion* to be true and that is the reason that you allowed things to go on. The other point is *you have to be ready* to accept the reality or at least to decide that enough is enough. Until you get to that point I don't think you will take action to change. In my situation it took 21 years to get to that point. I can look back and there were warning signs, red flags and ACTIONS that *should have been enough* for me to *run away*. But I didn't and I always rationalized what was going on and ultimately I believed that she loved me and that we loved each other. -Duane
The last statement was so prophetic. reflective and truly sad. I also feel it depends on the depth of love that you experienced with that person which determines how long it will take to get over them.
That's what I'm most frightened about that I will fall into it again and
"the ugly head" of NA will envelop me. I agree that it's an unhealthy move to have a friendship with them. And I know I cannot maintain that status. I'd be opening my heart a-g-a-i-n to someone who doesn't care like I do & never will.
Egads Duane...I hope that's not the case as far as my not being able to change without accepting that "enough is enough!" Although I must admit I have more days where I'm confidently moving forward. Other days I feel stagnant.
I was not aware that it took you so many yrs. to make a choice. That time for you must have been sad, infuriating. frustrating, challenging, l-o-n-g & extremely emotional. And you still continue to deal with your ex. & young children. How you work, take care of your kids, home & come to the aid of others is remarkable!
We probably were all aware of the Red Flags and actions, or lack thereof, that didn't fit the proclamations of love & concern. For me although I can falsely say on the surface @ x's that I wish that we never met. Today, @ this point in time, I don't truly believe it.
Be well.
You're already here TigerPrint looking for learn and to change. If you would have told me about narcissistic abuse maybe 9 years ago I wouldn't have known that I was living it. You already have your eyes open and trying to learn and recover so I think it would be difficult for you to go back to that environment. It was a living nightmare. I had serious depression issues and everything was a struggle it was a really dark time throughout the marriage. The last few years weren't bad and I started to really improve and be happy. That was the catalyst that destroyed the marriage - she wasn't able to control my emotions the way she used to so she had to change things up u but that last time it destroyed everything. But to her credit (if you can call it that) she was able to drive me back down to the pit of hell that I used to live in when married to her. It has been a long journey to crawl my way back out of the pit - but I've done it. You will too! -Duane
Hey Dwayne I just started listening to your videos and I'm dealing with it right now and I'm two months out and I've got a court order not to talk to her and I'm finding myself climbing up a wall wanting to talk to her and no that I shouldn't but I don't know what to do with it is truly like coming off of meth or a serious drug just don't know how to deal with it I know how to cope with it I don't even know how to date again I'm thinking about getting back into the dating scene but I feel like I'm the one cheating if you have any advice or anybody on your site have any advice I would so like to hear it I read it I appreciate it thanks a lot
I hope the hurt leaves soon. I’m still shocked and hurt.
I've been binge watching you. Im wondering how you got a hold of my journal. Please tell me when will i feel better? When will he stop torchering my boy? Im dying..
LOL - isn’t it just crazy how all of our stories are so similar and it doesn’t really even matter if you’re the man or women. Sara keep on learning and working on healing yourself an you’ll start to feel better. It took me probably another year once I started learning about narcissistic personality disorder. But it took me 2 years of emotional post-divorce hell to get to that point. So the fact that you’re here and learning about this means things should start improving.
On your other question - he’ll stop when it doesn’t provide him any more supply. Unfortunately our children are the ones that are really going to guide that process. We have to just provide our children the stability and love. We also need to use blackhole thinking so we just don’t allow whatever is happen with the other parent into our lives. Its really tough - especially when our children are complaining to use about their own heartbreak but that’s how I’ve been able to deal with it.
The problem is our children WANT to have a relationship with both parents and unless the abuse is so great that they are forced to see reality they just won’t. I have witnessed - and continue to - with my three children. Remember I have a 19, 17, and 12 and have been going through this for about 6 years. It’s taken a long time for me to find “my happy place” but things really are much better and you’ll get there too. -Duane
Thank you for responding. Your advise has been super helpful. I just threatened my boy last wk about taking his phone away. After watching your video it all made since. I apologized & reassured him i wont do that. The not answering my text/calls drives me crazy. Ive made some mistakes & am so greatful to hv found your videos.ive been playing them over&over. No one else has been addressing the family aspect. Thank you kindly for all your knowledge!!! Please keep up what your doing.. We need you.
When people are ready write out:
He/She didn’t care b/c (write instances here).
This may help process, and come to terms with, what was really happening.
I agree, even if you exited, they probably checked-out emotionally a long time ago.
This in no way reflects YOU!
It reflects THEM!
I like Absolute Thinking - we all need a go-to in times of need.
Love yourself b/c that’s exactly what YOU are, loveable 💙
My ex nurs got married to the person he had always cheated on me with and after hoovering me for three years, I decided to give in for the sake of our kids. He used the kids to pull me over, claiming they are missing out on a proper family. All this time I was asking him for an arrangement so we could hav set parental days which never matured. I had even accepted his new relationship n respected the fact that he had moved on but he said that he can't be with her because he misses the kids, he is sorry he wants to be a proper dad n for him to do that,we have to be a proper family, saying how we need to be officially married!!! I was swept off my feet and didn't hesitate to give him a second chance! To cut the story short, I was discarded a week we were supposed to be moving in together and moved in with the same person he said was living to be with us. With in 2 months they were getting married and I tell you it cuts through your body like nothing. BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE WEDDING PICTURES, I could not believe myself😟😟. The wedding was in winter and the reception was in his back garden, no high table and the cake was like for my 3 yrs birthday party only one piece and their names scribbled on🤣🤣🤣🤣 and it was on the grass, this made me feel better 😂😂😂😂 I had never seen such a wedding, it looked like a ritual action🙄🙄
Two months ago my husband told me he had a lover, that he wanted the divorce and that he was not happy with me anymore. A day before he told me that he was still telling me how much he loved me and everything looked “normal”, I thought we were happy. In the moment he told me about his affair, he started acting very cruel, he started talking with this woman in front of me, I asked him so many times to not to do that in front of me and he just laughed and said to me “yes, I’m talking to her, do you want me to lie to you, this is over” ... I know he was blaming me for everything and he put himself as a victim with her, this woman started talking shit about me thanks of all the lies he said about me. He used to laugh when he saw me cry, he was putting pressure on me acting like an asshole because he wanted me to leave the house ASAP, he wanted her to move in with him, btw, she was married too, anyways, after 4 days he told me I couldn’t stay more time in the house because he was acting super cruel. I left and a week after she moved in with him, he filled the divorce and we are still married, she got her divorce two weeks ago. After a month with no contact with him, he emailed me apologizing for everything he did to me, saying that he loves me and miss me, but also saying that nothing is gonna change. I was going well, all this have been so hard because I still love him, but aft his email I feel just like the first days. I have this need to contact him, but I know he will hurt me more. Help please!
You are just a an amgel sent from above.i was devastated was asking question and answering it myself ans was just driving myself how can he do this for the second time .hope to get a phone call from him for an apologizy but he seems to enjoy life and hes not even thinking about me or think or a second he did me and our son wrong .
Thank you I’ve been no contact since Christmas 2018
Good for you Georgann - hopefully that has been helping you. We definitely need that separation to start to regain ourselves!
Mine did that taking his new gf everywhere. Vacations etc. that mad me feel awful. well after a few that ended. Now his back to doing nothing.
I was discarded and started no contact w my ex for 3 months now. He has tried to contact me but have him blocked. I am doing a little better but my ex decided to contact my friend and ask her to give me a message from him. That he has been around my house a few days ago and remembered good times. That we have of friends in common ajd he has asked about me and so happy i am doing something good for myself. That he is happy for me. I have not really have contact with anyone. While i am working on myself i have kept my social cirlcle extremely small and stayed off of social media so i dont understand what hes happy for me about. I try and remember i should not want him back but sucks that he moved on so quick like i never existed. We dis not end well....and now he ia so happy for me that he contacts my friend to tell me??? He suddenly became this great person yet when he broke uo with me was so cruel? Je is not saying he misses me just that he is so happy for me....has me thinking and obsessing 😏
duane is a blessing to us
😀
Yes; how’d u know about that?
Hi Glitterbox what do you mean?
We were together for 3 years and we actually lived together and I took care of 3 boys and treated them like my own and 3 weeks after she blocked me I was told she found the love of her life go figure I meant nothing to her.
Oh well moved on wish her the best.
why does this video come up every time? i dont select it!
Don’t know, maybe you’re doing similar searches and UA-cam might thing it is something you’re interested in. I know sometimes UA-cam will say it was recommended because of another channel that I’ve wathced
thanks for replying, its funny, ill open my safari browser and not always, but often, this view pops up, lol..maybe i need to hear your message,,,,any howl appreciate your reply, wish you very best@@DSD
I hear you - there are things that show up on my feed and I'm like WTH where did *that* come from. Well, if you're recovering from a toxic high conflict divorce where you have kids then I might be your channel - if not this stuff will BORE that hell out of you! Have a great day Lion King!
thank you
It's not that they don't care about you is to care about themselves more and they can't live without anybody feeding their supply so as soon as you're out of the picture if you left then they have to go onto the person that they had in the wings cuz remember they always have two or three to fall back on because they can't be alone and they can't do anything for themselves
Absolutely Dwayne the gaslighting is unbelievable!
She may get her Master's degree. She may not want to work. If she dates someone they are not lucky and it is not a perfect match/soul mate. It is an attachment...not a relationship. No! It will be the same things happening to the next guy. She may pretend all is good. She try to get your jealous. This is an attachment/addiction to a person who hurts you. If you don't heal you may date another narcissists also. Stop paying attention to what your ex is doing. She was never right for you. Your choice of drug...food/sex/narcissist addiction attachment?. They moved on for more supply and to repeat this cycle. It was a mask...not a real person. You loved a mask...it was not real. Hanging on to a fake relationship like you can't live without them is just an addiction. Love yourself and release this person.
Simple. They didn't love you to begin with. Make sure before you let love form. If you stay back to make sure, it won't hurt as much when they leave you. It will still hurt but will hopefully heal quicker with less pain. The ❤ can only take so many of these ordeals and eventually becomes nothing but a big scar. If it started with Dad/Mom the heart turns to stone. It will take God's help after that to get it to work properly again...it might not without supernatural intervention.
Tonight my narc told me he has failed and doesn’t want to be with me and wants to sell everything and leave the cash to me and he’ll just fade away somewhere and I’ll probably hear about his demise one day!! What the???? How am I to handle this? On our anniversary he told me he wanted a divorce because he just doesn’t do this relationship thing well, it’s my fault he’s too skinny, that he’s a loser, blah, blah...is this just another form of his dumping his frustrations onto me because he wants out and he wants fuel from my sadness?
I found myself being empathetic to his depression and he just got angry about it!
P.s. your words help me a lot! Thank you!
So get this, my ex narc is working the 'triangulation' with me and his new wife really hard. he gives her his phone. so when I think i'm asking him about the kids it is always her that I am actually texting, and she is a very mean person. She is also very clueless as to what is going on. He has smeared campaigned me so hard and she believes a ton of lies that include things about child visitation/transportation/ etc. so it screws up communication royally in order to get my kids. But, I cant prove it's her b/c it's on HIS phone. But I know its her b/c her language is simple and immature (he is very intelligent with language). Talk about getting sucker punched!
Oh, even better is he messages me 'private messages' to keep me hoovered in (does not work). I can't wait to have the opportunity when she messages me about my kids pretending to be him and is a witch about it that I can say, "If you continue to be mean and insulting, then you might reconsider the private messages you send me." I don't think she'd be too pleased her new doting husband is flirting with his ex wife: /..... especially if she may already be paranoid about it by having his phone all the time. They sound so happy (but not)
Unfortunately Rebecca that sounds very typical - that's a difficult one because if you drop that bombshell it *might* get the focus off of you - and maybe she'd stop or at least be "nice". When I first starting reading that I figured he just didn't want to talk to you and was using the new wife to stay away from you I wasn't expecting you to say the new-wife was mean. I don't know if mine ever got married or even in a serious relationship how I would feel about communicating with him instead of her. -Duane
appreciate your online support Duanne. I am a new subscriber , most support seems to be for the female , as if us males haven't got feelings. you shed some light on how the womans nasty tactics work , ie using children to promote their poison. why is it that husbands experience domestic abuse that isn't recognised ? my ex adulteress threatened to blame my marriage break up on mental abuse delivered by myself if I blew the whistle on her adultery so she basically blackmailed me . evil bitch thinks from between her legs and not her ears. She has been described as being a cretin by loved ones and that seems to fit. frightened that my daughter has been brainwashed by this evil sex case
Excellent video. That’s me 100 💯 percent. 🤦♂️
So sad we all been through the same thing.
Dated 45+ women over 30 years....why the hell am i un such pain and depression over this narc now?
I am hurting now ! My husband left me and our children in November and he cut off all contact . I know he was seeing someone else so I have filled for divorce. Do you know why he would cut off contact like ty?
Hi Camille, unfortunately that is a typical tactic and consists of the discard and silent treatment. If your ex falls into the category of having a potential personality disorder then when you filed for divorce and setup boundaries then you no longer served as a quality (or sustainable) source of narcissistic supply. Even in a "normal" relationship being rejected and replaced is going to be a difficult experience to deal with. Camille, do you suspect your ex of being a narcissist and potentially having narcissistic personality disorder? -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce -Yes I do suspect that he has something wrong with him. He has been blowing through money and has a porn addiction as well as serial cheating. I am just finding this out now. I just can't absorb how he would block us from everything and moved as if we don't exist and has a girlfriend with a son he raising instead of his own kids. I tried to work it out knowing all of this but he instigated me putting him out so he would not be the bad guy! Obtw this is our 2nd marriage and he left under the same set of circumstances!
Okay Camille thank you for the clarification. Yeah then it is the typical discard and silent treatment coupled with rubbing the new relationship in your face. It's all designed to control your emotions and basically punish you. Honestly, and I know it hurts, but if he's "moved on" (which may only be temporary) but is leaving you and your children alone take that and run with it. It will be hard on your children not understanding *why* daddy doesn't love them or want to do anything with them but I believe that situation is easier to deal with than a constant barrage of parallel parenting and conflict. I would highly recommend a good therapist to help your children through those issues and to have a neutral person to talk to - unfortunately we can't be that person for our kids and they need someone constructive to help them through it. Our jobs - well your job now - is to mitigate the damage the narcissist *is going to do* with the children while trying to build an environment for the to break this cycle of abuse. Unfortunately if you don't then they risk getting into similar relationships themselves. I did a video a few weeks ago called *Why Does Everything Make Me Mad* (ua-cam.com/video/UBDJMDLqC0g/v-deo.html) that might be helpful too. Let me also welcome you to the channel and I hope these videos will help! -Duane
Hi Camille Thomas,
I am sorry for your hurt. It's one thing for your ex. to have a problem with you and leave ( not that I'm condoning his withdrawal from you) but to abandon your children as well that's downright cowardly, hurtful & irresponsible.
He'll have to live with his poor choices. Think I'd be only "filling in between the lines" since I'm not aware of your personal history. If he has the traits of NPD, he would definitely not display empathy & would initiate the silent
treatment to get away from his issues and exert his power over you.
Expressing your thoughts & feelings is beneficial to many of us. The commentator here, Duane, is extremely knowledgeable, caring & helpful.
I wish you and the family good thoughts & wishes through this very difficult emotional time. Hope that you will continue to watch these videos & others & share your thoughts if you feel comfortable doing so that your friends here may lend an ear and enable you to cope.
Thank you for the support Tigerprint and for caring about other viewers on the channel! -Duane