Something I think I downplayed a bit too much is just how jarring it is to contemplate myself as "disabled" when I compare myself to my brother, but yeah, that email and some of your comments really did give me a bit of a reality check and shifted my perspective to help me see that as capable as I might sometimes appear, I really can't function in the world and society we live in. I may not see myself as "disabled", but when I think of it that way, wow. Another thing I forgot to mention - after my session with my psychologist on Festivus, I was actually in a really bad state already. Even though it was late lunch time, I had no appetite, so I got myself some gelato instead since it would be easy to eat and at least get some energy into me but... I was so badly down that I actually couldn't enjoy the taste? Like not even the mango, which I would usually quite like. I was able to taste it, but my brain just didn't care. It really showed me just how badly I was doing to have that experience.
I'm not even doing it on purpose tbh, it's just this instinctive thing that kicks in sometimes and I can't control it. But I'm also having more and more breakdowns in front of people lately, which I guess shows just how badly I'm doing, but on the upside maybe that's what needs to happen for them to finally take me seriously.
I just wanted to let you know that if you did go through with “ending it” I would definitely miss your videos. I think you should definitely get a private psych if it will mean you can go to more sessions and make more progress. I know the uphill struggle of finding someone though. I’ve pretty much given up on modern psychiatry/psychology when it comes to helping me. I just ignore my shit and pretend to be normal and self medicate as needed. Maybe you should try NOT telling new psychs about the schizoid thing and just let them try whatever therapy they think might work for your symptoms? I lie to ALL my new medical providers (just doctors since I don’t see psychs anymore) about hearing voices because I prefer them to treat me and my symptoms as if I’m a normal person and not psychotic… (I’d rather they not think my physical symptoms are all in my head) For your case maybe it would prevent them from denying you care since they seem to be scared of the schizoid thing… a diagnosis is just a label imo. You still have your symptoms regardless of what somebody else wants to call them.
Nah see that's how it basically was before I got my diagnosis, which I've only had since January this year. I've seen so many psychs before that who never picked up on it, and as a result, they tried a lot of pointless treatments and gave me terrible advice like "you just need more friends" or asking if I was actually gay when I said I wasn't interested in relationships. It's better for them to know upfront that I'm schizoid, especially given that I present reasonably normal on the surface. It may be that the only reason I finally found a decent psychologist this year _is_ because I went in telling them I'm schizoid for the first time, so she didn't bullshit me with the usual nonsense.
@@DestroyerMariko Yeah that’s fair then. I hope you find someone who can help. You do appear VERY young and I am a 38 female who often gets mistaken for younger so I know how frustrating it can be to be treated as if this is just something insignificant.
I know 😭 I'm aware that mainstream society values a youthful appearance but omfg I'm realising it sometimes makes people treat me like a kid and minimise how long I've been struggling x_x
I have the antfarm I got last xmas but still haven't opened it because I haven't found any new queens in a while. I think because of the weather, the conditions aren't right yet for them to just randomly fly into my house like they used to.
Something I think I downplayed a bit too much is just how jarring it is to contemplate myself as "disabled" when I compare myself to my brother, but yeah, that email and some of your comments really did give me a bit of a reality check and shifted my perspective to help me see that as capable as I might sometimes appear, I really can't function in the world and society we live in. I may not see myself as "disabled", but when I think of it that way, wow.
Another thing I forgot to mention - after my session with my psychologist on Festivus, I was actually in a really bad state already. Even though it was late lunch time, I had no appetite, so I got myself some gelato instead since it would be easy to eat and at least get some energy into me but... I was so badly down that I actually couldn't enjoy the taste? Like not even the mango, which I would usually quite like. I was able to taste it, but my brain just didn't care. It really showed me just how badly I was doing to have that experience.
I hide how badly I feel a lot too. Hopefully we will both find something more helpful soon.
I'm not even doing it on purpose tbh, it's just this instinctive thing that kicks in sometimes and I can't control it. But I'm also having more and more breakdowns in front of people lately, which I guess shows just how badly I'm doing, but on the upside maybe that's what needs to happen for them to finally take me seriously.
I just wanted to let you know that if you did go through with “ending it” I would definitely miss your videos. I think you should definitely get a private psych if it will mean you can go to more sessions and make more progress. I know the uphill struggle of finding someone though. I’ve pretty much given up on modern psychiatry/psychology when it comes to helping me. I just ignore my shit and pretend to be normal and self medicate as needed.
Maybe you should try NOT telling new psychs about the schizoid thing and just let them try whatever therapy they think might work for your symptoms? I lie to ALL my new medical providers (just doctors since I don’t see psychs anymore) about hearing voices because I prefer them to treat me and my symptoms as if I’m a normal person and not psychotic… (I’d rather they not think my physical symptoms are all in my head)
For your case maybe it would prevent them from denying you care since they seem to be scared of the schizoid thing… a diagnosis is just a label imo. You still have your symptoms regardless of what somebody else wants to call them.
Nah see that's how it basically was before I got my diagnosis, which I've only had since January this year. I've seen so many psychs before that who never picked up on it, and as a result, they tried a lot of pointless treatments and gave me terrible advice like "you just need more friends" or asking if I was actually gay when I said I wasn't interested in relationships. It's better for them to know upfront that I'm schizoid, especially given that I present reasonably normal on the surface. It may be that the only reason I finally found a decent psychologist this year _is_ because I went in telling them I'm schizoid for the first time, so she didn't bullshit me with the usual nonsense.
@@DestroyerMariko Yeah that’s fair then. I hope you find someone who can help.
You do appear VERY young and I am a 38 female who often gets mistaken for younger so I know how frustrating it can be to be treated as if this is just something insignificant.
I know 😭 I'm aware that mainstream society values a youthful appearance but omfg I'm realising it sometimes makes people treat me like a kid and minimise how long I've been struggling x_x
@@DestroyerMariko For me it's frustrating at work too, because instead of giving me respect as an equal, they often treat me like a child :(
Do you still keep ants?
I have the antfarm I got last xmas but still haven't opened it because I haven't found any new queens in a while. I think because of the weather, the conditions aren't right yet for them to just randomly fly into my house like they used to.