That was and has been me for my whole life!!! 🤦🏼♀️ I realized that last week when I wanted to “explain myself on a decision I made” and even my 14 year old granddaughter told me I didn’t need to explain myself!!! I’ve lived in chronic trauma for so long that’s all I knew! But God and His grace freeing me!
@@susanbowman3865 Jesus came to save us. He was crucified, buried and then rose again on the third day. Now when we believe in Him we have eternal life and forgiveness of sins. Repent (turn away from your sins) God loves you!
I am right there with you! I'm thankful to have stumbled onto this video. Another person I watch that helps a lot is Irene Lyon. She has video's on you tube as well. God Bless my Friend!
God bless love, God has been helping me with my communication and understanding what it is that i’ve been used to, toxic traits, habitual things that affect my day to day
I over explain because I live in defense because I have been wrongly accused my whole life. "It's your fault" is the theme. Controlling abusive parents, then friends, then husband. Explaining was a way of life to appease a unhealthy and unwarranted reaction from narcs. God has actually been healing me of this the last year. Literally step by step, conversation by conversation, text, by text. I agree with God that I am not responsible for people's emotional health or reactions...they are smart and capable. And most importantly I love people, period. I am not selfish or evil to not make sure they are okay all of the time. God is good, Great Counselor!
Oh, how you speak my heart! Thank you so much for your comment. I felt so much shame for my over explaining, I had to run to God and bring it to the cross, I was not able to bear it by myself. My god lives! And we with Him! Be blessed!
I love how she simplifies all of this!! Amazing. 46 year-old over-explainer here. I now find it embarrassing when I realize I am over-explaining to people, as I realize that it is coming from a place of desperation, like a desperate child fawning for acceptance.
on bad days it feels like the real me died or disappeared around my teen years because i like literally went through so much in high school my authentic self really did die, and it's like a ghost took over.
@Olivia Chipperfield...Be loving and gentle with yourself. We have all felt that way if we are honest. Don't be hard on yourself. Praise God for getting insight into why we do what we do and the encouraging thing is we can change.
Shalom health Was created by masterbuilder God-Jesus. History Has proven great wandering blindness about Original God's ways and plans. YOU are still in the tail, not true scientific physiology. **Working too hard overtime** Scripture says a double minded man is Unstable, yes, SO DRAINED By Serpent appeal Nonfood recipes, not whole food in USA. Manmade 'Hydrogen'ated oils blast out cells. Excess vegetable oils Also.. My brother went crazy before age 20. Never recovered, because so broken, not truly **Hear**stop, change. Years of ((plant biochemical research EATING))..proves to soon heal nerves and synapse. Synapse have bouton clusters for 'braking-learning'.
I must tell you that my guardian angels led me to this today. I was contemplating ended me once and for all because another person just ghosted me because of this. I really liked this person and i was beginning to come out of my social anxiety shell. I suffer major depression & PTSD from several severe trauma events. I mean every word of this was a miracle for me to hear because I've dealt with rejection from people all my life and i never even realized i was doing this. The reasons behind this behavior you got perfectly 100%. You saved a life today. Thank you.
You can heal Luke. Maybe not immediately but eventually 🌱 🌿 🪴 🌳 I can too 🙂 I’ve felt a similar way, giving up, but this was a Godsend for me this morning too! I’m being led to so many helpful healing resources recently! 🥳 We could actually be alright and make it, get well and be big blessings to others having gone through all this. 🙏🏻 God Bless you dearly Luke and everyone else here 🕊 🌸 🕊 be kind to yourselves I believe in guardian angels too 😀
It's ironic that I am debating putting a comment here in case I overshare! It's taken me 16 years to talk to a counsellor about the trauma of giving birth to my daughter. I used to tell strangers in mother and baby rooms about the blood loss and the 81 hours of contractions, in the hope that someone would listen and feel sorry for me. It didn't work. The sadness is that mothers are expected to carry on as normal even after they thought they might lose their lives in a difficult birth. The lack of response to trauma has deep ramifications.
Growing up, I couldn't walk out of my bedroom without my mother yelling at me and accusing me of something I didn't do. Being misunderstood and wrongfully accused became a part of my identity. Perhaps the reason I was so good at writing in school may have been from the fact that I just wanted to be understood. This turned into me being socially awkward, talking too much, over explaining and oversharing. I'm so glad I now have the knowledge to be aware of it so I can stop this self-defeating behavior.
wow that is basically my life, i was in a sea of confusion in high school because i would "mess up" a lot but would be like the last one to realize i did something. I was dissociating a lot but was too young to know i was doing it. seriously i'm like half human half Casper the friendly ghost.
Exact same here. Very abusive mother and my dad couldn't stand up to her either. At 48 I'm realizing that's why I people please going back to trying to not be screamed at or beaten.
Chances are if youre feeling anxious and over explaining you're talking to a narcisist/negative person. Over sharing is mostly loneliness. If you have good friends/family you don't have the energy to over share or the need to.
I once shared something far, far too personal about my childhood at a work function because I was asked to share something surprising about myself. I was caught off guard by the question, and didn’t have time to gauge how others were answering the question and then respond similarly. To me, it was just a fact about my life, but to others at the table it was shocking. It took me a moment to realize I’d overshared, but after I’d realized it I felt so embarrassed. I have quite a few examples of over-sharing, but this one stings the most as it affected my professional reputation. Connecting it to trauma helps alleviate some of the guilt and shame I’ve felt about this situation.
I have been told by a friend that when I over explain I lose credibility because I appear like I'm trying to convince them of something that's not true.
Yes, that makes sense but for us traumatized people, it's just not true. So what do we do? Stop it, I guess lol. I never realized I did it until I read the title and it hit me as she started talking. Wowzer
I think this depends on their own experience as well. Not everyone is going to take it like that. It would help if friends could contemplate and discuss why one over explains, and why is comes across as it does to the other person. Maybe that person had a perpetual liar in their life that just talked and talked and talked. Maybe the over explainer grew up with a gas-lighter and believed if they explained it more thoroughly the person would understand them. This is how we grow in understanding and compassion for each other and expand the way we think. Maybe it's good to work on explaining a little less, and maybe it's good to work on seeing beyond our personal perception of someone's behavior. But look at me over explaining over here. LOL.
I have been a Clinical Psychologist for 30 years; and I have to agree 100% with this Dr. Is the first time I am lisening to her, what she is sharing is gold and is so well explained!! Here techniques are well based in good practice, science and even ancient original knowledge.
Wonderful podcast! Everything made complete sense to me. One thing that you didn't emphasize and yet it made a huge difference to me, is that you mentioned that trauma can occur at any point in life, not only in childhood. I'm so accustomed to reading and hearing about all trauma coming from childhood, but that's not true. Trauma can occur at any point in time. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us all!
I had no idea that my over-explaining was a result of my trauma until tonight. God bless you Dr. Leaf, your efforts and time are so appreciated by many!
I really loved this. Over-explaining is a response to threat because in the past your words have been manipulated and distorted. If someone is interviewed by people, and they do not understand their right to silence, they will break under interrogation or over-explain. Police understand that people under pressure will sometimes incriminate themselves in their effort to explain, even they are not guilty of any crime. It is a power imbalance.
This is me! Especially the gaslighting! It is hard being a man who has suffered spousal abuse. The explaining and over sharing has been such a Bain for me even recently! I felt so selfconcious about doing it and the guilt of sharing such intimate details! I feel so shattered and lack self confidence right now. I’ve litterallly been out of a job and fear going back to work because of the fear of not being able to function! Thank you. I think I need really work on this!!!
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I hope you are out of that situation and are now safe. I also really hope you have someone to talk to about it who can help you work through things. You deserve a lot better. I hope you know that.
Why is mankind, you and me as we are? Without covering it up with all kinds of lies and excuses which do not satisfy the soul, that by the touch and grace of God seek's light in the darkness. The Word of God clearly explanes this, it is the fact that we are a product of 6000 years of human exsistence without our Maker, and void of a true relationship with our Father in heaven. This distance from our Father made us orphans and we are spiritualy lost children who grow up and are shaped in a world that is in the grip of sin and death. like a child that tries to make the best of beeing spiritualy homeless it does not work you need to come home. Our Maker our Father's call is through His Son His Word. (By the grace and the love of God poured on me by His Son it a absolute honour to share the Word of our Maker with any one who has been blessed with ears to hear and a hunger for truth.) ua-cam.com/video/_9FKoeanMeQ/v-deo.html Matthew 11:27-29 Words of Jesus Christ: 27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Today is Thanksgiving. I’m an introvert who was surrounded by more people than I’m comfortable with, although I love them all so very much. As has happened to me for the last 30 so years that I’ve been aware of, I got “tuned out” a lot today. I recognized I was not only over explaining but over sharing as well & I’d become an active listener. On the drive home I was feeling drained from all the energy & started talking with Yah. I asked for deliverance from the energy & feelings because it was heavy & here I am watching this video. I fully believe I was lead here. I’m very thankful to have found this & only wish I had this when I was much younger. I have been crying, well bawling actually, while listening to this feeling such relief that someone out there gets me. And I didn’t even have to explain myself! Thank you for this. I’ve been in & out of therapy since my teens & never have I ever felt this understood. I truly feel like the largest weight has been lifted off my chest & I can breathe again. Yah bless you.
I overexplained. But when I learned about gaslighting and that's what I experienced growing up, I realized why I ended up overexplaining and over-proving. My mind was subconsciously waiting for false accusations/projections/gaslighting and was trying to protect itself ahead of time. I used to always fantasize about recording everything I say and do and keep it as proof to the world that I'm not crazy.... But that's what emotional abuse does to you. Overexplaining is basically a form of "walking on egg shells" One Russian psychologist gave 6 steps to follow to live good life: 1 Do what you like 2 Don't do what you don't like 3 Say what you don't like in relationships as soon as you don't like it 4 Answer ONLY strictly to the questions asked (no other details) 5 Do NOT answer anything at all if you are NOT asked 6 Explaining yourself, always use "I statements"
agree with you except the russian doctors ideas are simplistic and very appropro for russian society which for ages has been one of extreme social-regimentation and related severe interpersonal abuse etc. We in the west or any free nation should never feel restricted in expressing ourselves: so that idea of strictly only answering a question and not including any other details, is not the way healthy human dialogue works at all. That is why a russian doctor and not a nonrussian doctor listed it with those other details. Healthy lives are not like interrogations visavis the police and attorneys. Duh. But oversharing is a differnt thing of course.
After enduring a brutal betrayal, all I could do is talk about it non stop to everyone who would listen. The first few months were unreal, and I felt the need to over explain myself as if I wanting to relieve the betrayal over and over again so it could sink in.
I just made the connection between prayer and fasting which would overtake old neuron paths. Jackpot! The snowball effect from some deep traumas has ingrained toxic emotions etc. This is really good information for insecure people.
Thank you for this Dr. Leaf. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a tendency to have an ‘over-responsibility’ to and for everybody! I’m sure it started as a young girl but God is helping me peel back the layers of discovery and healing, as I do my part. I truly desire to be my best self so that I can bring God glory and be a blessing to others in a healthy way. 🙏🏽❤️
Why is mankind, you and me as we are? Without covering it up with all kinds of lies and excuses which do not satisfy the soul, that by the touch and grace of God seek's light in the darkness. The Word of God clearly explanes this, it is the fact that we are a product of 6000 years of human exsistence without our Maker, and void of a true relationship with our Father in heaven. This distance from our Father made us orphans and we are spiritualy lost children who grow up and are shaped in a world that is in the grip of sin and death. like a child that tries to make the best of beeing spiritualy homeless it does not work you need to come home. Our Maker our Father's call is through His Son His Word. (By the grace and the love of God poured on me by His Son it a absolute honour to share the Word of our Maker with any one who has been blessed with ears to hear and a hunger for truth.) ua-cam.com/video/_9FKoeanMeQ/v-deo.html Matthew 11:27-29 Words of Jesus Christ: 27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him. 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
I was over explaining while disciplining my kids the other day which drained me and turned into a long one-sided discussion. Wow, I had no idea. I was wondering why I felt so yucky afterward. So thankful for this video. Thank you Dr Leaf! ❤
The awareness of this has freed me of my past in ways I couldn’t imagine. I traced it into my childhood. When accused of not doing something or doing something…. Or get punished harshly… Spankings with a belt we’re common… I learned to lie that way.,, I’m breaking the cycle! Gods grace !!!
Dr. Caroline Leaf, I want to say how I appreciate you! A number of years ago you were a guest for Lindsay Roberts and I had the opportunity to be an usherrette. When you said to the audience, "you are brilliant!" I actually felt faith rise in the atmosphere! It was tangible to me. I think so many of us have been beaten down by life from other people's words or challenging times. THANK YOU for helping us to understand our brain better and that we can change regardless what we have gone through! Sending a virtual hug to you 🤗❤
Thank you so much Dr Caroline Leaf for your teachings on this particular subject. I fall into both categories of over sharing and over explaining. Now I know how to detect them and how to deal with them. I now know they are toxic in nature and they do not belong to me who is a child of God. I can see now that they actually have their origin in FEAR for which I have no business with at all.
'Over explaining' _can_ be a trauma response but I think the root can also be an earnest desire to convey detail as thoroughly as possible for good reasons. This detail is the sum of what an individual perceives and understands is relevant to whatever they are communicating. It's important to recognise the difference and not make assumptions.
Its really hard for me to see over explaining and even to an extent, over sharing as a negative? It seems like it is just clear communication and showing vulnerability.
She’s amazing. Goes in depth with psychological traumas we’re not aware of until we dissect our bad habits and self-reflect on our flaws or short comings and the reason why. This is such amazing content. Therapists don’t communicate this information. This can help so many people. Thank you Dr. Leaf!
Maybe it's an ego thing and one thinks that they have to over explain because everyone else is either dumb or just ignorant. I think both the trauma thing and one thinking they are superior to others may be plausible.
@@nikao7751 Absolutely. They just love hearing their own voice. When I run into one of those I say :" You don't have to speak slowly and loudly to me. I understand what you are saying".
Though I've been mildly aware of the fact I'm an overexplainer, I never really knew why. The wheels are turning. And though I have progressively improved over the past couple years, I do have moments where I'm triggered and regress. I work with the public, and the other day, met with a very rude, bitter older man. I erroneously thought that if I explained the situation, he would gain insight and be more empathetic. Wrong. He interrupted every sentence and shouted over me, which only sent me further into a downward spiral. The crescendo was when he shouted that I reminded him of his mother (clearly not a good thing). It was then I realized his childhood wounds were clashing with mine, and though his behavior was inexcusable, it helped me forgive myself and consider how the situation could be handled differently next time. I do celebrate when I react to "Karens" differently, not overexplaining or trying to please, but putting a firm boundary down early and exiting the conversation if they overstep.
Believing that some people might want an explanation when they just want to tell you their opinion, which is, in case you didn't know, correct. They would never ask your opinion and don't want to hear it and are most likely not ever asking for your opinion advice or thought. Don't give it. Listen without agreeing and go off and do your own thing.
@@KJ-lb4tj, I sort of agree? I work for a credit union, so much of what I deal with is cut-and-dry financial business. What rubs me wrong is when people ask me questions about their account or to do something, then talk over me and are super impatient or rude. In this instance, they actually DID ask me a question. That question may have initially been of an impersonal nature, but if they involve their anger and emotion in our interaction, I feel compelled to ask them a simple "why?" I rarely ever offer people unsolicited opinions on their behavior, but once they start mistreating me, that's when the interaction becomes personal. Knock on wood; these interactions have become far more seldom.
@Holly Elizabeth sounds like what Eckhart Tolle describes as the pain body. We can trigger it in each other. His books helped me so much. I find it easier to just not engage like I used to, once I learned about it too. Awareness is a great start heh?
I do both. I just think on how I have been misunderstood by many people throughout my life so I taught myself to “explain.” But after going through a thing or 2, I can see how over explaining could be linked to trauma. I am selective when I do it though. My mother who has gone through trauma over explains everything she does. She also talks randomly whenever she’s around people. She says it’s because she’s talking to herself. Which I understand. But I know the difference. It’s insecurities. Not saying that as a bad thing, it’s just her lack of self awareness that drives me nuts. I just feel we can’t start taking steps to heal if we’re unwilling to realize things associated with trauma.
This podcast was very instructive for me. I can remember years ago and it still happens on occasion now, people, Christians asking me personal and pointed questions that I felt were none of their business. When I hesitated to answer their intrusive questions, they would actually get in my face, invade my personal space and say it again with more force. I have since learned about BOUNDARIES thanks to Drs. Cloud & Townsend and have appropriate boundaries in place. I think it's extremely important and most respectful to not make anyone share unless they want to. Give people the same respect and honor that you want!
I appreciate it, Dr. Leaf. One of my keys 🗝️ for 2021, build the emotional intelligence not to overexplain. Trauma response < overexplain < a form of people pleasing. Chance to build healthy tree 🌲 to build it into my conscious to catch myself to not go there in that conversation or that situation. Whatever I practice the most is what I will experience. You are your own category. Everything about me is phenomenal and healthy.
Thank you Caroline. Everything you shared was so eye-opening. I succumbed to all those traits you mentioned. It's like I want to dot my "i"s and cross my "t"s. I'll pride myself into thinking I'm just meticulous and thorough. But it only sets me up for feeling more anxious and even attracts more conflict in certain scenerios. It's a lot of baggage I'm carrying and waste of energy I'm carrying in my mind.
I hate this… and the people who have”made me” this way. I realize I wasn’t like that before meeting them. Now it’s so hard to figure out when aim being selfish or misunderstanding others or if they’re really gaslighting me or want to make me wrong. It will make you sick. I will pray for all of us here.
Thank you so much! I always hated how I would over share. I had a difficult childhood, this totally explains my behaviors, I have started recognizing and started to change. Definitely takes time. Thank you thank you
As a teen I had to give every small detail of where I would go or do because my Mom was over nosey thinking I was up to stuff like her friends’ kids…..And by giving her every detail she would finally leave me alone. Wow, all these years I had no idea, I had anxiety and didn’t have a label for it….well I’m throwing that label away and stopping it! Time to be free!
I appreciate you bringing up the TBI speech issue. I had a severe TBI that affected my speech. No one understood why I was struggling and told me I was fine, but I felt crazy because I either couldn’t say what was in my mind or I would have a mind dump, like you explained.
TBI.. same.. and my self awareness was. my sanity, but others around leap to conclusions about that are usual detrimental. Even in these staments.. I am riengning-in those horses.
Love ❤️ you Dr. Leaf. I’ve been following you ever since I started listening to Joyce Meyer more than ten years ago. I’ve struggled with this as a giver, encourager and people pleaser. As a RN this is sooooo beneficial for emotional well-being
You may want to go deeper with JesusImage koulianos ministry. Dr Benjamin Hardy. And Andy Stanley. I totally understand you. These systematically after my relationship with God are life.
I'd love to hear more info regarding "over-sharing" and what drives it... and particularly would like more info related to addressing the sense of shame and self hatred that for me rises strongly when seeing myself acting in this self absorbed manner as well as the intense sense of self hatred that rises for me for experiencing social/emotional needs in the first place which seem to burden the people in my life and which have led me to utilize manipulative strategies- like over-sharing in an effort to gain sympathy - to try to experience some sense of connection and feeling cared for... It disgusts me to see how I behave and leaves me wishing I felt no need for experiencing connection or closeness with others in the first place.
I have reached a place of peace with my autism and my tendency to overshare. Now I laugh when I catch myself doing it. I can see the glazed look in the eye of the person I'm talking to and suddenly I realize I don't care if they are listening or not I just like to share...it's selfish...really. it was quite liberating to learn that about myself because without knowledge we will continue to go along the same way wondering why we keep getting the same result. It's hard to see ourselves and most of the time people won't tell us about ourselves because they don't want to invest their time in us and they don't have any answers anyway. But I overdo everything and so God uses me with people who need a lot of help to understand something or are very ill or need someone to talk to. I am also persistent for those who are not responding to life-saving behavior. Usually we have a treasury of knowledge and helpful information. We just have to find a creative way, which we can, to express ourselves in a way that is provocative and interesting. It's embarrassing to discover that people are only tolerating you because of courtesy but that realization has helped me to be quiet about 80% of the time now. Now I use the time to explore and learn more. As the results are evident in my life people will be more interested in what I have to say.
If you grow up in a military, also Roman Catholic household, this expression of guilt as a response to trauma is a given. A lot of organised religions will do this to young vulnerable minds. I don't think the real Christ intended this, but the church has severely deleted and distorted His message that the truth cannot be found there.
I did, as well! My dad was an Army officer and Roman Catholic. I always referred to it as a double whammy😊 I have absolutely no hard feelings toward my dad, but it was rough to feel guilty even when I knew I was innocent of any number of things. The worst was not really being allowed to defend myself. If I was accused, I must be guilty. Got a lot of punishments I never deserved. But, all is forgiven and I love my parents without condition.
I hate to say this but it's important to hear... The Church was designed by Narcissist to abuse people.... I went to church / churches my whole life until I saw it! Study Narcissist Abuse because that's what you are describing... Narcissists severely delete and distort truth! These are the same creatures Jesus cast into the pigs and also the serpent in Genesis...
So clear that just swiped so much in one sentence, I just thought I was just open and didn't realize and now understand it was a coping mechanism...it such a relief 😅
Wow. I needed to hear this. God bless all of you in the comments that needed to hear this too. Thank you, I am grateful to have found this podcast, or maybe it found me. Here’s to healing for us all !👏💕❤️
Thank you for this video. I now know why I over explain and over reveal. I can receive Grace love and healing and extend mercy and love for myself and others.
It's been many years since I've heard Dr Leaf. I've found this this morning and what a blessing ❤😊 I really needed this and I subscribed. Thank you so much Dr Leaf. And yes, I've been through trauma and experienced gaslighting. I have gotten to where I tell certain people that I dont have to explain myself. When there is a very difficult person who just absolutely is unreasonable ( narcissistic) I do leave there presence when they are out of control and there is nothing you can do about it. It gets dangerous and damaging. And it is funny ( 😄) when the kids ask me a medical question and I go a little to far with it ( retired nurse) the thing we say now is " dont ask mom a nurse question " 😂
I became like this because my ex wouldn't believe anything I would say so I would keep explaining. And I started doing it since then. It became harder for me to fill out simple forms. I would over explain everything ! And I just did it before when an unexpected phone call came to tall about the trauma.. I prefer email... even though they get long emails to read...it helps me to feel more comfortable so I have time to think about it.
I've always known I've been an over explainer and sharer and hated and often regreted being that way and have tried to stop being such but more falier than success to do so but now this might be on to something here since when I was five years old I always blamed myself for the death of my friend that was killed in front of me while walking home by a hit and run and then later in my adult hood people blamed me for the death of my older brother who overdosed so I can see I this might be my problem with over explaining and sharing; or maybe I think that the world would just be a better place if everyone just listened to what I said.😘
It's not easy to find that person willing to listen. I hope you find peace in your mind and continue to a beautiful life each and every day!!! Bless you!
What a great topic! I'm not an oversharer, but I have a client who was sharing with me that trauma is the reason she overshares. Thanks for creating great content to help people!!
I always thought it was because I wanted to be heard. My mom wouldn't let me talk back when she was disciplining me. Is it people pleasing then? Or am I triggered when I'm shut down? Thank you. I'm 66 years old, but this will save my relationships.
Same here... I absolutely have had difficulty feeling heard, coming from a very traumatic violent background and the youngest of five. I felt as if I did not have a voice, so yes over-explaining can come from that as well. Cuz trust me I'm not a people pleaser... in that regard anyway
I needed this because I have been over sharing and over explaining. I feel naked before the world because I have been going through psychological abuse and false accusations. I hate it that I tell everything that happens in my life to whoever will listen. I want to stop. I want to find myself.
This is truly awesome! I plan to listen to this over and over again. I thank you so much for explaining this. I used to do this alot. I don't find myself doing it as often now. But, I have always felt that no one understands me. And that caused me to feel I have to explain myself. Looking back it was caused because I never felt my father accepted or loved me for who I was. I could literally see my father's delight in talking to my brothers. But, I knew he was not as delighted to see me or talk to me. And I "told" myself, I need to fully explain myself to everyone, because no one "gets" me. I somehow have stopped doing this "explaining" . But thank you so much for giving me the "reason" why I did/do this. Thank you for freely sharing this because its not something I would seek counseling for. You are awesome to share this!!!!
One of the best ways I have used to help overcome this is to record myself and listen to the way I converse with others. It's very revealing. The video is amazing.
When you speak on this topic it rings true. It hit me deep in my mind and makes me recall significant trauma in my life. So much of what I've suffered and the long term impact makes sense now.
love these pearls of wisdom. I found myself over-explaining & never understanding why. I had a strong feeling that this was not a good thing but I didn't know how to change it. I had no idea that it was tied to a childhood trauma experience. Now that I've finally identified the root, I can begin a new chapter in my life. This was an answered secret prayer of mine🙏🏼. I thank God for sending His response through you Dr. Leaf. Blessings to you❤🌺🌺
Thank you so much for posting such high-quality content for all of us. I am always so impressed and amazed that such precise, articulate therapy is provided by you at no cost to the viewer who otherwise may not be able to afford such insight.
This woman is a gift to the Kingdom of God. If you really want a treat, watch/listen to one of her worship videos. ♥ She leads powerfully in prayer....
@@helenal.7881 oh dear. That is not good. Sorry to hear this. Sounds like she must have detoured from walking in the Spirit. I really struggle with this kind of disillusionment when I look to evangelists and representatives of the faith, and then they do something like that!
Thank you, thank you! I'm normal! How wonderful! Something happened at age 7ish! I have no clue what; now, I know it can be dealt with. Truly amazing!!!
Amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been guilty of both over explaining and over sharing. I recognized it andI have made some progress but understanding why and having an actual process to correct it properly is a beautiful thing. Thank you!
This is soooo me...always overexplaining when a person does something to me snd I feel the need to justify my feelings about it. I think it is bc my mother never allowed me to express myself or to have feelings. She also made me feel like my opinion was not relevant so as an adult, I feel the need to "make someone understand me." I used to overshare but learned to stop doing this the hard way. Thank you, Dr. Leaf.
It’s sad that we have had to learn to do this?!? I used to wonder why anyone would even have to explain themselves and then I ended up around 2 close people who “demanded” this by making me WRONG all the time. Amazing because I had to construct a lawyer’s defense against them anytime I planned on meeting them, creating caveats and explaining everything possible, so I couldn’t be “wrong?!?” Then I realized its like a foreign body experience, like watching someone else and I’d wonder,” why does this poor girl have to stress so much and explain herself so much when she’s trying so hard already?” Literally , like a person with M.S. trying to justify and explain their autoimmune flare ups. Why would someone with that have to defend themselves against judges? Who ARE these judges?!? And why do they continue to let these people judge them? Let’s start with cutting these people off. Then realizing that we are feeding their belief that they are right by attempting to justify ourselves. Time to do this defusing it and realize that we shouldn’t have to do this and it’s better that we not be around ANYONE if they do not make us feel safe when we already care. Thank you 🙏
Word finding! What others hear isn't me thinking; it is me mumbling as I am flipping through the Rolodex 📇 of my mind, I am just reading... And when I find the word, if I find the word I say it... otherwise I keep on searching. And it's an adventure every time!
Dr. Leaf, heartfelt gratitude to you, your family, your team! God is using you to bring me needed insights to bring healing from anxiety and many other mental health patterns. This topic is powerful! Absorbing it while I also study your book and workbook, “Switch on Your Brain”. Praying BLESSINGS upon you from our Abba Father! Sheree
Wow you have described perfectly my brain after a severe concussion. I wasn’t an over-sharing person and always had good command over my speech. And tremendous guilt and anxiety I’ve never experienced until my accident.
Of course there are personality types. They don't have to define you, but they're there and the describe something real. Ultimately we're individuals, but there are categories and similarities based on physiology. There is a limited number of ways we handle ourselves. It's not useful to deny this.
I've noticed over the years that if i don't explain, they come up with their own answer and assume...when that's not what I mean. For example, I have customers (friends and non friends) that want to text the content for l project. I tell them that I want ALL pertinent information/content to be emailed to me. No texting. My non friend customers usually understand this BUT my friends want to proceed to text anyway 😢 disrespecting my wishes and get an attitude. I explain my reason is because I want all information in one place, so there's no confusion bouncing back and forth with two different apps. Email is better to keep track. Now they think i don't like texting at all when i didn’t say that. I said do not text any content for the project. It's simple.
It's possibly that my overexplaining might just cost me my job right now, and I think I've hit almost every single point explained in this video. Thank you so much...maybe I'll lose everything, but I'm grateful for everything I've learned from this experience and this video, and I know what I should be doing now going forward. I just hope I can put it into practice gradually and forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made.
This was definitely for me! I needed this because it brought so much revelation to me and my behaviors/beliefs. I am looking forward to the conference!
So helpful. Refreshingly clear, concise, user friendly. And Let me explain why....just kidding. Your caring nature is palpable. Thank you for what you do and more importantly who you be.
I love how you explain everything with such grace and mercy to the hearer and its completely about recognizing these issues in ourselves and how to heal 💜
I had no clue. So glad google connected us. 40 yeas of traumas of all of the above. Question. Mother screamed me down 15 years. When I am being taken advantage of I don't know till days later. I freeze. I don't stand up for myself. Why and how do I fix it.
Wow, thank you so much for this! I haven't even finished watching it yet, but just te title alone made me feel some relief because my Step-dad has been over explaining for the whole 45 years that he's been in my life, to the point where it drives everyone around him crazy! I look forward to watching the rest of this vid and learning more about this.
The public school system... is much.. left wanting...... mist teachers over ovepayed with entitlement attitudes... and power trip, withinferiorority complex. Love and care for one another Shalom. #Jesus
@@KJ-lb4tj that's what I've been worrying about lately for myself. But, I think its more of my lack of confidence....so betrayed in life, its hard to relax......and people pressure me to talk....then, later use it to stab me in the back....usually feel either way I get it in the end because people will hate me if I don't talk.
Dr. Leaf, I feel you have left out the most important factor. I’ve had a traumatized childhood, but it was God that brought me to healing and forgiveness because I did the opposite I’ve never explained or share. God has used this evil for good, I’m passionate about sex trafficking! I worked my whole life in at risk schools to teach children life could be different.
"have you been vaccinated?" My answer......"I prefer to keep my healthcare between my doctor and myself." I must have said that sentence a thousand times in the last 9 months!!! Act ...don't react is my plan.
I think that sometimes people want to know our reasons for making our decisions because they are struggling to make the decision themselves. It is a genuine interest not a judgmental thing. But the asking of the question itself is tedious.
The person asking the question either wants to know to start an argument or to see if the other persons agrees with their choice. The information we have been getting is so confusing.
Amazing information. To avoid your own over-explaining, consider pre-drawn visuals to accompany your delivery. Or, start by explaining all of your main points high level, then go deeper/more detailed on each point after that, for those who stick around because they want more explanation.
I tend to overexplain mostly as a defense mechanism or reflex since I grew up in an environment where every word and action was questioned. I wanted to be understood. But most of the time it results in misunderstanding either because the other person actually doesn't care at all. It's quite sad because of all the people I thought family should be the first to show understanding and yet they're the first ones to dismiss me.
I'm not sure I understand from this what I can do to address the problem, i.e. "neurocycles," but very grateful for this podcast, which exposed the reason for my over explaining.
That was and has been me for my whole life!!! 🤦🏼♀️ I realized that last week when I wanted to “explain myself on a decision I made” and even my 14 year old granddaughter told me I didn’t need to explain myself!!! I’ve lived in chronic trauma for so long that’s all I knew! But God and His grace freeing me!
Welcome to having become a truly sovereign human being. 💖✨
@@susanbowman3865 Jesus came to save us. He was crucified, buried and then rose again on the third day. Now when we believe in Him we have eternal life and forgiveness of sins. Repent (turn away from your sins) God loves you!
I am right there with you! I'm thankful to have stumbled onto this video. Another person I watch that helps a lot is Irene Lyon. She has video's on you tube as well. God Bless my Friend!
God bless love, God has been helping me with my communication and understanding what it is that i’ve been used to, toxic traits, habitual things that affect my day to day
I am 12lfth of 14 children ,what does that tell one about me? Also ,we were poor.
I over explain because I live in defense because I have been wrongly accused my whole life. "It's your fault" is the theme. Controlling abusive parents, then friends, then husband. Explaining was a way of life to appease a unhealthy and unwarranted reaction from narcs.
God has actually been healing me of this the last year. Literally step by step, conversation by conversation, text, by text. I agree with God that I am not responsible for people's emotional health or reactions...they are smart and capable. And most importantly I love people, period. I am not selfish or evil to not make sure they are okay all of the time.
God is good, Great Counselor!
Perfectly said.
Wow. I really needed this today. Thank you and praise Jesus. What a wonderful counselor He is.
Amazing, I could have written the exact same comment and signed my name. God is good!
I am same and agree with you.
Oh, how you speak my heart! Thank you so much for your comment. I felt so much shame for my over explaining, I had to run to God and bring it to the cross, I was not able to bear it by myself. My god lives! And we with Him! Be blessed!
I love how she simplifies all of this!! Amazing. 46 year-old over-explainer here. I now find it embarrassing when I realize I am over-explaining to people, as I realize that it is coming from a place of desperation, like a desperate child fawning for acceptance.
on bad days it feels like the real me died or disappeared around my teen years because i like literally went through so much in high school my authentic self really did die, and it's like a ghost took over.
@Olivia Chipperfield...Be loving and gentle with yourself. We have all felt that way if we are honest. Don't be hard on yourself. Praise God for getting insight into why we do what we do and the encouraging thing is we can change.
Shalom health Was created by masterbuilder God-Jesus. History Has proven great wandering blindness about Original God's ways and plans.
YOU are still in the tail, not true scientific physiology. **Working too hard overtime**
Scripture says a double minded man is Unstable, yes, SO DRAINED By Serpent appeal Nonfood recipes, not whole food in USA. Manmade 'Hydrogen'ated oils blast out cells. Excess vegetable oils Also.. My brother went crazy before age 20. Never recovered, because so broken, not truly **Hear**stop, change.
Years of ((plant biochemical research EATING))..proves to soon heal nerves and synapse. Synapse have bouton clusters for 'braking-learning'.
Sending love to your desperate inner child 💐
I must tell you that my guardian angels led me to this today. I was contemplating ended me once and for all because another person just ghosted me because of this. I really liked this person and i was beginning to come out of my social anxiety shell. I suffer major depression & PTSD from several severe trauma events. I mean every word of this was a miracle for me to hear because I've dealt with rejection from people all my life and i never even realized i was doing this. The reasons behind this behavior you got perfectly 100%. You saved a life today. Thank you.
Please be encouraged Luke. You are needed🙂
Keep fighting the good fight, Luke. You’re of great value.
With all that you mentioned no wonder you don't see your value. 💗🙏
You can heal Luke. Maybe not immediately but eventually 🌱 🌿 🪴 🌳 I can too 🙂
I’ve felt a similar way, giving up, but this was a Godsend for me this morning too! I’m being led to so many helpful healing resources recently! 🥳
We could actually be alright and make it, get well and be big blessings to others having gone through all this.
🙏🏻 God Bless you dearly Luke and everyone else here 🕊 🌸 🕊 be kind to yourselves
I believe in guardian angels too 😀
I was so happy to read this despite not even knowing you! 😊
“Saying no is a sentence “ No. this one thing is life changing!
It's ironic that I am debating putting a comment here in case I overshare! It's taken me 16 years to talk to a counsellor about the trauma of giving birth to my daughter. I used to tell strangers in mother and baby rooms about the blood loss and the 81 hours of contractions, in the hope that someone would listen and feel sorry for me. It didn't work. The sadness is that mothers are expected to carry on as normal even after they thought they might lose their lives in a difficult birth. The lack of response to trauma has deep ramifications.
Thank you for having the courage to share. I had a similar experience. It has been 29 years. Your words reassured me that I can heal.
@@soniaippersiel7880 I pray you are fully healed from your traumatic experience and that you feel peace.
I totally understand this ❤
In JESUS NAME bind the Spirit of Trauma....or Fear or Terror etc... what you bind on earth is bound in heaven..🌹❤
ANIMALS have trauma also....🙏🙏🙏 for the people and animals
Growing up, I couldn't walk out of my bedroom without my mother yelling at me and accusing me of something I didn't do. Being misunderstood and wrongfully accused became a part of my identity. Perhaps the reason I was so good at writing in school may have been from the fact that I just wanted to be understood. This turned into me being socially awkward, talking too much, over explaining and oversharing. I'm so glad I now have the knowledge to be aware of it so I can stop this self-defeating behavior.
My mother was the same but it made me agressive and willing to shut down anyone who questioned me, even valid nonthreatening questions.
Well done
Ashley, your story is my story…
wow that is basically my life, i was in a sea of confusion in high school because i would "mess up" a lot but would be like the last one to realize i did something. I was dissociating a lot but was too young to know i was doing it. seriously i'm like half human half Casper the friendly ghost.
Exact same here. Very abusive mother and my dad couldn't stand up to her either. At 48 I'm realizing that's why I people please going back to trying to not be screamed at or beaten.
Chances are if youre feeling anxious and over explaining you're talking to a narcisist/negative person. Over sharing is mostly loneliness. If you have good friends/family you don't have the energy to over share or the need to.
Not true lol
I agree with you
Yes!!, well said.. 👏👏👏😼
This sounds mostly right to me.
As the friend of someone who over explains, no. I am here to find ways to help other than listening (which is valuable but my time is not unlimited).
I once shared something far, far too personal about my childhood at a work function because I was asked to share something surprising about myself. I was caught off guard by the question, and didn’t have time to gauge how others were answering the question and then respond similarly. To me, it was just a fact about my life, but to others at the table it was shocking. It took me a moment to realize I’d overshared, but after I’d realized it I felt so embarrassed. I have quite a few examples of over-sharing, but this one stings the most as it affected my professional reputation. Connecting it to trauma helps alleviate some of the guilt and shame I’ve felt about this situation.
I have been told by a friend that when I over explain I lose credibility because I appear like I'm trying to convince them of something that's not true.
Oh crap .
I think over explaining sounds like the person is trying to convince themselves? Makes them seem confused or lacking confidence. Not the same as lying
Yes, that makes sense but for us traumatized people, it's just not true. So what do we do? Stop it, I guess lol. I never realized I did it until I read the title and it hit me as she started talking. Wowzer
@@laurykristensen6239 maybe comes across to others as both depending on THEIR background, idk
I think this depends on their own experience as well. Not everyone is going to take it like that. It would help if friends could contemplate and discuss why one over explains, and why is comes across as it does to the other person. Maybe that person had a perpetual liar in their life that just talked and talked and talked. Maybe the over explainer grew up with a gas-lighter and believed if they explained it more thoroughly the person would understand them. This is how we grow in understanding and compassion for each other and expand the way we think. Maybe it's good to work on explaining a little less, and maybe it's good to work on seeing beyond our personal perception of someone's behavior. But look at me over explaining over here. LOL.
I have been a Clinical Psychologist for 30 years; and I have to agree 100% with this Dr. Is the first time I am lisening to her, what she is sharing is gold and is so well explained!! Here techniques are well based in good practice, science and even ancient original knowledge.
Wonderful podcast! Everything made complete sense to me. One thing that you didn't emphasize and yet it made a huge difference to me, is that you mentioned that trauma can occur at any point in life, not only in childhood. I'm so accustomed to reading and hearing about all trauma coming from childhood, but that's not true. Trauma can occur at any point in time. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us all!
I had no idea that my over-explaining was a result of my trauma until tonight. God bless you Dr. Leaf, your efforts and time are so appreciated by many!
I really loved this. Over-explaining is a response to threat because in the past your words have been manipulated and distorted. If someone is interviewed by people, and they do not understand their right to silence, they will break under interrogation or over-explain. Police understand that people under pressure will sometimes incriminate themselves in their effort to explain, even they are not guilty of any crime. It is a power imbalance.
when you have to talk to narcissists it is like talking to police forgetting you have miranda rights
This is me! Especially the gaslighting! It is hard being a man who has suffered spousal abuse. The explaining and over sharing has been such a Bain for me even recently! I felt so selfconcious about doing it and the guilt of sharing such intimate details! I feel so shattered and lack self confidence right now. I’ve litterallly been out of a job and fear going back to work because of the fear of not being able to function! Thank you. I think I need really work on this!!!
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I hope you are out of that situation and are now safe. I also really hope you have someone to talk to about it who can help you work through things. You deserve a lot better. I hope you know that.
Why is mankind, you and me as we are? Without covering it up with all kinds of lies and excuses which do not satisfy the soul, that by the touch and grace of God seek's light in the darkness. The Word of God clearly explanes this, it is the fact that we are a product of 6000 years of human exsistence without our Maker, and void of a true relationship with our Father in heaven. This distance from our Father made us orphans and we are spiritualy lost children who grow up and are shaped in a world that is in the grip of sin and death. like a child that tries to make the best of beeing spiritualy homeless it does not work you need to come home.
Our Maker our Father's call is through His Son His Word.
(By the grace and the love of God poured on me by His Son it a absolute honour to share the Word of our Maker with any one who has been blessed with ears to hear and a hunger for truth.)
ua-cam.com/video/_9FKoeanMeQ/v-deo.html
Matthew 11:27-29
Words of Jesus Christ:
27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Today is Thanksgiving. I’m an introvert who was surrounded by more people than I’m comfortable with, although I love them all so very much. As has happened to me for the last 30 so years that I’ve been aware of, I got “tuned out” a lot today. I recognized I was not only over explaining but over sharing as well & I’d become an active listener. On the drive home I was feeling drained from all the energy & started talking with Yah. I asked for deliverance from the energy & feelings because it was heavy & here I am watching this video. I fully believe I was lead here. I’m very thankful to have found this & only wish I had this when I was much younger. I have been crying, well bawling actually, while listening to this feeling such relief that someone out there gets me. And I didn’t even have to explain myself! Thank you for this. I’ve been in & out of therapy since my teens & never have I ever felt this understood. I truly feel like the largest weight has been lifted off my chest & I can breathe again. Yah bless you.
I overexplained. But when I learned about gaslighting and that's what I experienced growing up, I realized why I ended up overexplaining and over-proving. My mind was subconsciously waiting for false accusations/projections/gaslighting and was trying to protect itself ahead of time. I used to always fantasize about recording everything I say and do and keep it as proof to the world that I'm not crazy.... But that's what emotional abuse does to you. Overexplaining is basically a form of "walking on egg shells"
One Russian psychologist gave 6 steps to follow to live good life:
1 Do what you like
2 Don't do what you don't like
3 Say what you don't like in relationships as soon as you don't like it
4 Answer ONLY strictly to the questions asked (no other details)
5 Do NOT answer anything at all if you are NOT asked
6 Explaining yourself, always use "I statements"
agree with you except the russian doctors ideas are simplistic and very appropro for russian society which for ages has been one of extreme social-regimentation and related severe interpersonal abuse etc. We in the west or any free nation should never feel restricted in expressing ourselves: so that idea of strictly only answering a question and not including any other details, is not the way healthy human dialogue works at all. That is why a russian doctor and not a nonrussian doctor listed it with those other details. Healthy lives are not like interrogations visavis the police and attorneys. Duh. But oversharing is a differnt thing of course.
over-explaning has been Counter-Productive! I am tryin to be Heard, but I "lose" ppl in my erratic stream of words.. A real Self-fulfilling Prohecy!
Wow! 41 years of overexplaining and oversharing, and this is the first time I have ever heard this! This makes a lot of sense.
After enduring a brutal betrayal, all I could do is talk about it non stop to everyone who would listen. The first few months were unreal, and I felt the need to over explain myself as if I wanting to relieve the betrayal over and over again so it could sink in.
me2
I’ve been trough the same. Just couldn’t keep my mouth shut
I just made the connection between prayer and fasting which would overtake old neuron paths. Jackpot! The snowball effect from some deep traumas has ingrained toxic emotions etc. This is really good information for insecure people.
Thank you for this Dr. Leaf. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a tendency to have an ‘over-responsibility’ to and for everybody! I’m sure it started as a young girl but God is helping me peel back the layers of discovery and healing, as I do my part. I truly desire to be my best self so that I can bring God glory and be a blessing to others in a healthy way. 🙏🏽❤️
Amen!
Why is mankind, you and me as we are? Without covering it up with all kinds of lies and excuses which do not satisfy the soul, that by the touch and grace of God seek's light in the darkness. The Word of God clearly explanes this, it is the fact that we are a product of 6000 years of human exsistence without our Maker, and void of a true relationship with our Father in heaven. This distance from our Father made us orphans and we are spiritualy lost children who grow up and are shaped in a world that is in the grip of sin and death. like a child that tries to make the best of beeing spiritualy homeless it does not work you need to come home.
Our Maker our Father's call is through His Son His Word.
(By the grace and the love of God poured on me by His Son it a absolute honour to share the Word of our Maker with any one who has been blessed with ears to hear and a hunger for truth.)
ua-cam.com/video/_9FKoeanMeQ/v-deo.html
Matthew 11:27-29
Words of Jesus Christ:
27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
I was over explaining while disciplining my kids the other day which drained me and turned into a long one-sided discussion. Wow, I had no idea. I was wondering why I felt so yucky afterward. So thankful for this video. Thank you Dr Leaf! ❤
The awareness of this has freed me of my past in ways I couldn’t imagine.
I traced it into my childhood. When accused of not doing something or doing something…. Or get punished harshly…
Spankings with a belt we’re common…
I learned to lie that way.,, I’m breaking the cycle! Gods grace !!!
Dr. Caroline Leaf, I want to say how I appreciate you! A number of years ago you were a guest for Lindsay Roberts and I had the opportunity to be an usherrette. When you said to the audience, "you are brilliant!" I actually felt faith rise in the atmosphere! It was tangible to me. I think so many of us have been beaten down by life from other people's words or challenging times. THANK YOU for helping us to understand our brain better and that we can change regardless what we have gone through! Sending a virtual hug to you 🤗❤
Thank you so much Dr Caroline Leaf for your teachings on this particular subject. I fall into both categories of over sharing and over explaining.
Now I know how to detect them and how to deal with them. I now know they are toxic in nature and they do not belong to me who is a child of God.
I can see now that they actually have their origin in FEAR for which I have no business with at all.
Time to stop the energy effort to control what you have no power over. Care for self.
'Over explaining' _can_ be a trauma response but I think the root can also be an earnest desire to convey detail as thoroughly as possible for good reasons. This detail is the sum of what an individual perceives and understands is relevant to whatever they are communicating. It's important to recognise the difference and not make assumptions.
That's a very good point!
Its really hard for me to see over explaining and even to an extent, over sharing as a negative? It seems like it is just clear communication and showing vulnerability.
She’s amazing. Goes in depth with psychological traumas we’re not aware of until we dissect our bad habits and self-reflect on our flaws or short comings and the reason why. This is such amazing content. Therapists don’t communicate this information. This can help so many people. Thank you Dr. Leaf!
Long-windedness in one's explanations is most probably another factor related to one's past trauma. It is all about hearing one's own true voice.
Maybe it's an ego thing and one thinks that they have to over explain because everyone else is either dumb or just ignorant. I think both the trauma thing and one thinking they are superior to others may be plausible.
For me it's reverse, I stay silent and suffer then break into an outburst of talking when under pressure.
@@nikao7751 Absolutely. They just love hearing their own voice. When I run into one of those I say :" You don't have to speak slowly and loudly to me. I understand what you are saying".
Yeah I tend to over explain things when talking to people almost trying to justify why I feel or think that way.
Im actually crying, because I over share, and its from trauma.
This isn't the comment section,this is the explain section🙂 keep your sense of humor,most of us with this are just really caring at heart.
Though I've been mildly aware of the fact I'm an overexplainer, I never really knew why. The wheels are turning. And though I have progressively improved over the past couple years, I do have moments where I'm triggered and regress. I work with the public, and the other day, met with a very rude, bitter older man. I erroneously thought that if I explained the situation, he would gain insight and be more empathetic. Wrong. He interrupted every sentence and shouted over me, which only sent me further into a downward spiral. The crescendo was when he shouted that I reminded him of his mother (clearly not a good thing). It was then I realized his childhood wounds were clashing with mine, and though his behavior was inexcusable, it helped me forgive myself and consider how the situation could be handled differently next time. I do celebrate when I react to "Karens" differently, not overexplaining or trying to please, but putting a firm boundary down early and exiting the conversation if they overstep.
Believing that some people might want an explanation when they just want to tell you their opinion, which is, in case you didn't know, correct. They would never ask your opinion and don't want to hear it and are most likely not ever asking for your opinion advice or thought. Don't give it. Listen without agreeing and go off and do your own thing.
@@KJ-lb4tj, I sort of agree? I work for a credit union, so much of what I deal with is cut-and-dry financial business. What rubs me wrong is when people ask me questions about their account or to do something, then talk over me and are super impatient or rude. In this instance, they actually DID ask me a question. That question may have initially been of an impersonal nature, but if they involve their anger and emotion in our interaction, I feel compelled to ask them a simple "why?" I rarely ever offer people unsolicited opinions on their behavior, but once they start mistreating me, that's when the interaction becomes personal. Knock on wood; these interactions have become far more seldom.
@Holly Elizabeth sounds like what Eckhart Tolle describes as the pain body. We can trigger it in each other. His books helped me so much. I find it easier to just not engage like I used to, once I learned about it too. Awareness is a great start heh?
I do both. I just think on how I have been misunderstood by many people throughout my life so I taught myself to “explain.” But after going through a thing or 2, I can see how over explaining could be linked to trauma. I am selective when I do it though. My mother who has gone through trauma over explains everything she does. She also talks randomly whenever she’s around people. She says it’s because she’s talking to herself. Which I understand. But I know the difference. It’s insecurities. Not saying that as a bad thing, it’s just her lack of self awareness that drives me nuts. I just feel we can’t start taking steps to heal if we’re unwilling to realize things associated with trauma.
My kids do not like it when i do this. I relate
This podcast was very instructive for me. I can remember years ago and it still happens on occasion now, people, Christians asking me personal and pointed questions that I felt were none of their business. When I hesitated to answer their intrusive questions, they would actually get in my face, invade my personal space and say it again with more force. I have since learned about BOUNDARIES thanks to Drs. Cloud & Townsend and have appropriate boundaries in place. I think it's extremely important and most respectful to not make anyone share unless they want to. Give people the same respect and honor that you want!
I appreciate it, Dr. Leaf. One of my keys 🗝️ for 2021, build the emotional intelligence not to overexplain. Trauma response < overexplain < a form of people pleasing.
Chance to build healthy tree 🌲 to build it into my conscious to catch myself to not go there in that conversation or that situation. Whatever I practice the most is what I will experience. You are your own category. Everything about me is phenomenal and healthy.
Beautiful!
Thank you. 💕
Thank you Caroline. Everything you shared was so eye-opening. I succumbed to all those traits you mentioned. It's like I want to dot my "i"s and cross my "t"s. I'll pride myself into thinking I'm just meticulous and thorough. But it only sets me up for feeling more anxious and even attracts more conflict in certain scenerios. It's a lot of baggage I'm carrying and waste of energy I'm carrying in my mind.
I hate this… and the people who have”made me” this way. I realize I wasn’t like that before meeting them.
Now it’s so hard to figure out when aim being selfish or misunderstanding others or if they’re really gaslighting me or want to make me wrong.
It will make you sick. I will pray for all of us here.
@@visionvixxen Amen Roya; it can really mess with your mind.
I relate. I want it to be right
Thank you so much! I always hated how I would over share. I had a difficult childhood, this totally explains my behaviors, I have started recognizing and started to change. Definitely takes time. Thank you thank you
As a teen I had to give every small detail of where I would go or do because my Mom was over nosey thinking I was up to stuff like her friends’ kids…..And by giving her every detail she would finally leave me alone. Wow, all these years I had no idea, I had anxiety and didn’t have a label for it….well I’m throwing that label away and stopping it! Time to be free!
This is a wonderful thing to be aware of when watching for abuse. I hope everyone is being aware of that.
I appreciate you bringing up the TBI speech issue. I had a severe TBI that affected my speech. No one understood why I was struggling and told me I was fine, but I felt crazy because I either couldn’t say what was in my mind or I would have a mind dump, like you explained.
TBI.. same.. and my self awareness was. my sanity, but others around leap to conclusions about that are usual detrimental. Even in these staments.. I am riengning-in those horses.
Love ❤️ you Dr. Leaf. I’ve been following you ever since I started listening to Joyce Meyer more than ten years ago. I’ve struggled with this as a giver, encourager and people pleaser. As a RN this is sooooo beneficial for emotional well-being
You may want to go deeper with JesusImage koulianos ministry. Dr Benjamin Hardy. And Andy Stanley. I totally understand you. These systematically after my relationship with God are life.
❤
I'd love to hear more info regarding "over-sharing" and what drives it... and particularly would like more info related to addressing the sense of shame and self hatred that for me rises strongly when seeing myself acting in this self absorbed manner as well as the intense sense of self hatred that rises for me for experiencing social/emotional needs in the first place which seem to burden the people in my life and which have led me to utilize manipulative strategies- like over-sharing in an effort to gain sympathy - to try to experience some sense of connection and feeling cared for... It disgusts me to see how I behave and leaves me wishing I felt no need for experiencing connection or closeness with others in the first place.
I have reached a place of peace with my autism and my tendency to overshare. Now I laugh when I catch myself doing it. I can see the glazed look in the eye of the person I'm talking to and suddenly I realize I don't care if they are listening or not I just like to share...it's selfish...really. it was quite liberating to learn that about myself because without knowledge we will continue to go along the same way wondering why we keep getting the same result. It's hard to see ourselves and most of the time people won't tell us about ourselves because they don't want to invest their time in us and they don't have any answers anyway. But I overdo everything and so God uses me with people who need a lot of help to understand something or are very ill or need someone to talk to. I am also persistent for those who are not responding to life-saving behavior. Usually we have a treasury of knowledge and helpful information. We just have to find a creative way, which we can, to express ourselves in a way that is provocative and interesting. It's embarrassing to discover that people are only tolerating you because of courtesy but that realization has helped me to be quiet about 80% of the time now. Now I use the time to explore and learn more. As the results are evident in my life people will be more interested in what I have to say.
This was over explaning..i stopped reading before the end😊
If you grow up in a military, also Roman Catholic household, this expression of guilt as a response to trauma is a given. A lot of organised religions will do this to young vulnerable minds. I don't think the real Christ intended this, but the church has severely deleted and distorted His message that the truth cannot be found there.
I did, as well!
My dad was an Army officer and Roman Catholic.
I always referred to it as a double whammy😊
I have absolutely no hard feelings toward my dad, but it was rough to feel guilty even when I knew I was innocent of any number of things.
The worst was not really being allowed to defend myself.
If I was accused, I must be guilty.
Got a lot of punishments I never deserved.
But, all is forgiven and I love my parents without condition.
I hate to say this but it's important to hear... The Church was designed by Narcissist to abuse people.... I went to church / churches my whole life until I saw it! Study Narcissist Abuse because that's what you are describing... Narcissists severely delete and distort truth! These are the same creatures Jesus cast into the pigs and also the serpent in Genesis...
The Abrahamic religions, and their offshoots, like Catholicism, definitely do this.
Yes,.. that's controlling religeon,, Christianiny is about relationship, with Him.. and each other. Repent know Jesus everyone. Shalom. #Jesus
@@N1976DL What are the Abrahamic Religions? Catholic and what else?
So clear that just swiped so much in one sentence, I just thought I was just open and didn't realize and now understand it was a coping mechanism...it such a relief 😅
Wow. I needed to hear this. God bless all of you in the comments that needed to hear this too.
Thank you, I am grateful to have found this podcast, or maybe it found me. Here’s to healing for us all !👏💕❤️
Thank you for this video. I now know why I over explain and over reveal. I can receive Grace love and healing and extend mercy and love for myself and others.
It's been many years since I've heard Dr Leaf. I've found this this morning and what a blessing ❤😊 I really needed this and I subscribed. Thank you so much Dr Leaf. And yes, I've been through trauma and experienced gaslighting. I have gotten to where I tell certain people that I dont have to explain myself. When there is a very difficult person who just absolutely is unreasonable ( narcissistic) I do leave there presence when they are out of control and there is nothing you can do about it. It gets dangerous and damaging. And it is funny ( 😄) when the kids ask me a medical question and I go a little to far with it ( retired nurse) the thing we say now is " dont ask mom a nurse question " 😂
I became like this because my ex wouldn't believe anything I would say so I would keep explaining. And I started doing it since then. It became harder for me to fill out simple forms. I would over explain everything ! And I just did it before when an unexpected phone call came to tall about the trauma.. I prefer email... even though they get long emails to read...it helps me to feel more comfortable so I have time to think about it.
Sorry to hear that. For me it was my mother
I don't talk on the phone.
This is what happened with me & my NEX as well. *Stopping myself from over explaining how my situation is similar to yours* lol
Shes so pretty, at 23 I love seeing more women role models that strive for greatness and strength ❤
I've always known I've been an over explainer and sharer and hated and often regreted being that way and have tried to stop being such but more falier than success to do so but now this might be on to something here since when I was five years old I always blamed myself for the death of my friend that was killed in front of me while walking home by a hit and run and then later in my adult hood people blamed me for the death of my older brother who overdosed so I can see I this might be my problem with over explaining and sharing; or maybe I think that the world would just be a better place if everyone just listened to what I said.😘
It's not easy to find that person willing to listen. I hope you find peace in your mind and continue to a beautiful life each and every day!!! Bless you!
What a great topic! I'm not an oversharer, but I have a client who was sharing with me that trauma is the reason she overshares. Thanks for creating great content to help people!!
I always thought it was because I wanted to be heard. My mom wouldn't let me talk back when she was disciplining me. Is it people pleasing then? Or am I triggered when I'm shut down? Thank you. I'm 66 years old, but this will save my relationships.
Me too!
Same here... I absolutely have had difficulty feeling heard, coming from a very traumatic violent background and the youngest of five. I felt as if I did not have a voice, so yes over-explaining can come from that as well. Cuz trust me I'm not a people pleaser... in that regard anyway
@@sheilabrennan4481 I've noticed lately that I'm triggered when I perceive someone trying to get me to be quiet or not let me finish. You?
Oh wow I do this even in my head. Especially in my head. 😮
I needed this because I have been over sharing and over explaining. I feel naked before the world because I have been going through psychological abuse and false accusations. I hate it that I tell everything that happens in my life to whoever will listen. I want to stop. I want to find myself.
This is truly awesome! I plan to listen to this over and over again. I thank you so much for explaining this. I used to do this alot. I don't find myself doing it as often now. But, I have always felt that no one understands me. And that caused me to feel I have to explain myself. Looking back it was caused because I never felt my father accepted or loved me for who I was. I could literally see my father's delight in talking to my brothers. But, I knew he was not as delighted to see me or talk to me. And I "told" myself, I need to fully explain myself to everyone, because no one "gets" me. I somehow have stopped doing this "explaining" . But thank you so much for giving me the "reason" why I did/do this. Thank you for freely sharing this because its not something I would seek counseling for. You are awesome to share this!!!!
Carolyn: You are a perfect example of what it is to over explain, but the information is brilliant.
Eye opening… I am notorious for over explaining and over sharing. This makes so much sense.
One of the best ways I have used to help overcome this is to record myself and listen to the way I converse with others. It's very revealing. The video is amazing.
When you speak on this topic it rings true. It hit me deep in my mind and makes me recall significant trauma in my life. So much of what I've suffered and the long term impact makes sense now.
love these pearls of wisdom. I found myself over-explaining & never understanding why. I had a strong feeling that this was not a good thing but I didn't know how to change it. I had no idea that it was tied to a childhood trauma experience. Now that I've finally identified the root, I can begin a new chapter in my life. This was an answered secret prayer of mine🙏🏼. I thank God for sending His response through you Dr. Leaf. Blessings to you❤🌺🌺
Thank you so much for posting such high-quality content for all of us. I am always so impressed and amazed that such precise, articulate therapy is provided by you at no cost to the viewer who otherwise may not be able to afford such insight.
OMG. This me. I can sense when I'm doing this. I feel embarrassed when I do it. I have always wondered why I have the conversation style.
This woman is a gift to the Kingdom of God. If you really want a treat, watch/listen to one of her worship videos. ♥ She leads powerfully in prayer....
Really? Did you know she officiated when her gay son married another man? It was on her Instagram.
@@helenal.7881 🤦♂️, I was about to ask if she was a Christian. Unfortunately that's a really bad sign of compromise
@@helenal.7881 oh dear. That is not good. Sorry to hear this. Sounds like she must have detoured from walking in the Spirit. I really struggle with this kind of disillusionment when I look to evangelists and representatives of the faith, and then they do something like that!
@@LawnCareLady i totally agree. It’s discouraging!
" you interpret it based on your experinces " 100% YES!!
Thank you, thank you! I'm normal! How wonderful! Something happened at age 7ish! I have no clue what; now, I know it can be dealt with. Truly amazing!!!
Amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been guilty of both over explaining and over sharing. I recognized it andI have made some progress but understanding why and having an actual process to correct it properly is a beautiful thing. Thank you!
This is soooo me...always overexplaining when a person does something to me snd I feel the need to justify my feelings about it. I think it is bc my mother never allowed me to express myself or to have feelings. She also made me feel like my opinion was not relevant so as an adult, I feel the need to "make someone understand me." I used to overshare but learned to stop doing this the hard way. Thank you, Dr. Leaf.
It’s sad that we have had to learn to do this?!?
I used to wonder why anyone would even have to explain themselves and then I ended up around 2 close people who “demanded” this by making me WRONG all the time.
Amazing because I had to construct a lawyer’s defense against them anytime I planned on meeting them, creating caveats and explaining everything possible, so I couldn’t be “wrong?!?”
Then I realized its like a foreign body experience, like watching someone else and I’d wonder,” why does this poor girl have to stress so much and explain herself so much when she’s trying so hard already?”
Literally , like a person with M.S. trying to justify and explain their autoimmune flare ups.
Why would someone with that have to defend themselves against judges?
Who ARE these judges?!?
And why do they continue to let these people judge them?
Let’s start with cutting these people off.
Then realizing that we are feeding their belief that they are right by attempting to justify ourselves.
Time to do this defusing it and realize that we shouldn’t have to do this and it’s better that we not be around ANYONE if they do not make us feel safe when we already care.
Thank you 🙏
Word finding! What others hear isn't me thinking; it is me mumbling as I am flipping through the Rolodex 📇 of my mind, I am just reading... And when I find the word, if I find the word I say it... otherwise I keep on searching. And it's an adventure every time!
Dr. Leaf, heartfelt gratitude to you, your family, your team! God is using you to bring me needed insights to bring healing from anxiety and many other mental health patterns.
This topic is powerful! Absorbing it while I also study your book and workbook, “Switch on Your Brain”.
Praying BLESSINGS upon you from our Abba Father! Sheree
Thank you dr. Caroline!!!!That explains a lot!!!I hope I can get your book soon!
Wow you have described perfectly my brain after a severe concussion. I wasn’t an over-sharing person and always had good command over my speech. And tremendous guilt and anxiety I’ve never experienced until my accident.
Have you seen a functional neurologist? My son suffered a concussion and healed with functional brain therapy. So helpful!!
This woman is a angel! 🙏
Life is 100% mental!That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Amen! thank you for helping me recognize inner turmoil! God bless you! From Columbus, Ohio USA!
Amazing. What an eye opening message. This is such an important call out to bring to attention. Thank you so much Dr. Leaf!
Having been emotionally depleted, being "responsible" for others' feelings I'm delighted for this life-giving lesson. Thank you 😊
"NO" is a sentence.
Love this👆
Of course there are personality types. They don't have to define you, but they're there and the describe something real. Ultimately we're individuals, but there are categories and similarities based on physiology. There is a limited number of ways we handle ourselves. It's not useful to deny this.
I've noticed over the years that if i don't explain, they come up with their own answer and assume...when that's not what I mean. For example, I have customers (friends and non friends) that want to text the content for l project. I tell them that I want ALL pertinent information/content to be emailed to me. No texting. My non friend customers usually understand this BUT my friends want to proceed to text anyway 😢 disrespecting my wishes and get an attitude. I explain my reason is because I want all information in one place, so there's no confusion bouncing back and forth with two different apps. Email is better to keep track. Now they think i don't like texting at all when i didn’t say that. I said do not text any content for the project. It's simple.
It's possibly that my overexplaining might just cost me my job right now, and I think I've hit almost every single point explained in this video. Thank you so much...maybe I'll lose everything, but I'm grateful for everything I've learned from this experience and this video, and I know what I should be doing now going forward. I just hope I can put it into practice gradually and forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made.
This was definitely for me! I needed this because it brought so much revelation to me and my behaviors/beliefs. I am looking forward to the conference!
So helpful. Refreshingly clear, concise, user friendly. And Let me explain why....just kidding. Your caring nature is palpable. Thank you for what you do and more importantly who you be.
I love how you explain everything with such grace and mercy to the hearer and its completely about recognizing these issues in ourselves and how to heal 💜
And how to take control ourselves!
I had no clue. So glad google connected us. 40 yeas of traumas of all of the above. Question. Mother screamed me down 15 years. When I am being taken advantage of I don't know till days later. I freeze. I don't stand up for myself. Why and how do I fix it.
We do NOT over share. Over explain routinely. Always thought it was our medical training. Thank you MUCHLY for sharing this topic! 👍 👍
❤️🕊Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.🕊❤️
🙏James 4:8🙏
This is so excellent!!!! And I have always had issues with" personality types". Amen to none of that!
Wow, thank you so much for this! I haven't even finished watching it yet, but just te title alone made me feel some relief because my Step-dad has been over explaining for the whole 45 years that he's been in my life, to the point where it drives everyone around him crazy!
I look forward to watching the rest of this vid and learning more about this.
The teachers at school mislabel students as ADHD who over explain and over share and talk too much.
Those some of the diagnostic symptoms of ADHD...
The public school system... is much.. left wanting...... mist teachers over ovepayed with entitlement attitudes... and power trip, withinferiorority complex. Love and care for one another Shalom. #Jesus
@@jaymalachapa2353 "As a man thinketh, so is he". God. #JESUS
@@KJ-lb4tj that's what I've been worrying about lately for myself. But, I think its more of my lack of confidence....so betrayed in life, its hard to relax......and people pressure me to talk....then, later use it to stab me in the back....usually feel either way I get it in the end because people will hate me if I don't talk.
I didn't even look at the title and I saw over explaining and I knew yep! There's definitely something wrong with me.
Dr. Leaf, I feel you have left out the most important factor. I’ve had a traumatized childhood, but it was God that brought me to healing and forgiveness because I did the opposite I’ve never explained or share. God has used this evil for good, I’m passionate about sex trafficking! I worked my whole life in at risk schools to teach children life could be different.
Thank you for this amazing video. You not only helped me to identify but to give real solutions to heal.
"have you been vaccinated?"
My answer......"I prefer to keep my healthcare between my doctor and myself."
I must have said that sentence a thousand times in the last 9 months!!!
Act ...don't react is my plan.
Aye , good answer .Halleluyah!
I think that sometimes people want to know our reasons for making our decisions because they are struggling to make the decision themselves. It is a genuine interest not a judgmental thing. But the asking of the question itself is tedious.
@@lloyannehurd You can tell why they want to know by how they ask.
Yes. Since when is it polite to ask health questions.
The person asking the question either wants to know to start an argument or to see if the other persons agrees with their choice. The information we have been getting is so confusing.
Amazing information. To avoid your own over-explaining, consider pre-drawn visuals to accompany your delivery. Or, start by explaining all of your main points high level, then go deeper/more detailed on each point after that, for those who stick around because they want more explanation.
I tend to overexplain mostly as a defense mechanism or reflex since I grew up in an environment where every word and action was questioned. I wanted to be understood. But most of the time it results in misunderstanding either because the other person actually doesn't care at all. It's quite sad because of all the people I thought family should be the first to show understanding and yet they're the first ones to dismiss me.
I’m back after doing this and it works wonders!
Awesome! Praise the LORD!
I'm not sure I understand from this what I can do to address the problem, i.e. "neurocycles," but very grateful for this podcast, which exposed the reason for my over explaining.