CATS: An Existential Crisis
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- Опубліковано 23 гру 2019
- Clickbait Title: 10 Reasons To Go See CATS Before It Vanishes Forever
CATS is poised to be one of the biggest box office bombs in terms of both % gross and absolute dollars lost. I'm not sure if it'll take the throne, but it's definitely up there, having made a scant $6.2m against its $95m budget. It averaged less than 200 tickets per cinema over its entire weekend. At this point anyone and everyone who wants to see it purely to gawk could do so five times each and it would still be an utter financial disaster.
Written and performed by Dan Olson
Crowdfunding: / foldablehuman
Twitter: / foldablehuman - Розваги
I have stared into the abyss...
And the abyss has meowed back.
He who fights cats should see to it that he does not become himself a cat
@@Hello-ub8kt So that's how furries are made?
@@peterprime2140 no, this a darker, more sinister being... A creature of the Uncanny Valley
@@peterprime2140 this is what happens when furries express nihilism
I made sure to specifically find a screening of this where I would be the only person in the theater, and that was one of the greatest mistakes of my life. Never before have I felt so isolated and abandoned by humanity, than when I saw the beetles with human faces. I wanted to scream, and to turn to other people with similar reactions in hopes of finding comfort in my terror, but there was no one. It was just me and Cats 2019. Forever.
7/10
Firelifeblizzard no one should have to go through what you went through. Be strong, you will one day move past the cosmic horror that is CATS
I saw this comment before Dan got to describing that part, and I thought you were making a joke about the movie being so bad it made you hallucinate horrific Loveceaftian monsters. I wish I had been right.
Is it weird I want to see it now?
Firelifeblizzard I’m so sorry... you will be stronger from this one day...
Reminds me of A Clockwork Orange
As this other girl walked out of the theatre she said to her friend “god I feel like I was just in a car accident”
LMFAO
you mean a cat accident
@@benjaminshinar9509 brilliant!
@@benjaminshinar9509 What a Catastrophe!
"CATS is a film seated so firmly at the bottom of the uncanny valley that it has set up residences, sown and harvested wheat, raised children, and developed its own system of divine mathematics."
Magnificent.
Masamage And extracting energy from the rotating corpse of T. S. Elliot rotating in his grave.
This had me laughing like a psycho in the middle of the grocer's
I reject the concept of "uncanny valley".
@@firstlast-cs6eg ok
@@firstlast-cs6eg ok
You look shell shocked you poor man
alegs I probably wouldn’t be able to leave the theater that day due to shock.
I was half-expecting him to go into a full-on Dr. Manhattan inner monologue about his relationship to this film and cats in general. Something like this:
It is December 23rd, 2019, XX:XX and I have just walked out of a screening of Cats. I saw the whole movie. Wasn't pretty, but I did it for the job I've got.
It is July 18th, 2019, XX:XX and I have just seen the first trailer. I laugh, knowing that this film is clearly a mistake, but one that probably will be a flash in the pan no one will want to see. After all, the new Star Wars sequel is coming out around that time also. It is like committing cinematic suicide.
It is December 23rd, 2019, XX:XX, I am getting into my car to see the Cats movie everyone is talking about. It can't be that bad. After all, Taylor Swift is in that mess and Universal gave it the green light. Someone had to tell someone else there that something was wrong with this picture before it could get that bad. They have test screenings, after all.
It is September 5th, 2004, 10: 00 A.M. and I am at my parents house. They have a cat with a rather typical name. Something a kid could come up with. Whiskers? Boots? It doesn't matter. All that does is that I am in serious pain because of it. This cat, Whiskers, Boots, or whatever scratched me in the face. Not in the eye, but I feel pain up there. I'm worried that I won't be able to see after that sudden visual strike of terror.
It is December 23rd, 2019, XX:XX and I am half-way through Cats. I am in a pain familiar to something I've lived before, but there's something different about this. There's something mental about this. It is like as if my eyes went shut and I was shunted off to a hellish wonderland. It is like as if Lewis Carroll had asked a chronic psychedellic to finish his work: even more so than the original text we've got. This is terror. This is insanity put to film. I see this and I'm back in July laughing at the botched roll-out. I'm back at my parents house back in September of '04 reeling and retching from the pain in face. I'm back in my car earlier this day heading here without a clue of what I'm getting in...
But that's just the vibe I was getting when this started.
I didn't even think there was going to be narration. I half expected the entire video just to continue those silent shots of him looking stunned on the drive home.
Battle fatigued*
I hung a similar expression after my battle with Cats
Something died in Dan that day.
But it died so that something else--something better--could be reborn.
Something dies in everyone who watches Cats, the 2019 film.
yeah, but it got 8 more lives, so who cares?
It's a Christmas tradition!
They say his soul shattered in three places that day...
HellecticMojo Yeah. I didn’t consider that.
Why does every reviewer look like they have PTSD after seeing this movie..
Because they do
Lol
Well, the charming youtuber Black Nerd embraced the shityness of this movie and have seen it multiple times with unbelievable joy
They have seen things. Terrible things.
That's the typical reaction of a non-fan seeing the movie.
Why does this guy sound like he’s describing the great old ones tearing apart reality
He is.
Cathulu stirs... and purrs.
Because he doesn't. He's talking about a movie that doesn't have much to say and chooses awkward and cringe-inducing ways to say it, with the mild horror coming from normal people putting together something this uncomfortable as a big-budget production. It doesn't have a lot in common with Lovecraft. Your joke doesn't land, except it's UA-cam comments, so "Great Old Ones tearing apart reality" (laughter turns into applause turns into standing ovation)
Except, @@MegaZeta, I think that you're wildly off the mark with that summation. At the heart of Lovecraftian horror is the fear of the unknown (and, of course, some baked-in xenophobia) and how the human psyche responds to that, in particular with references to the attempted human perception of unknowable or unpercievable sights. I would say that a film the plot and motivations of which are opaque, presented in a media in which we, as people, see things that literally never would have existed in the natural world and that plays with existential concepts such as reincarnation and death is undeniably lovecraftian in nature. Sure, a lot of what makes a topic lovecraftian is in presentation (just see, for example, all of the cute cathulu toys and cartoons that all but in name are completely separate from the genre), and sure, perhaps the joke could be refined, much in the way that many off-hand comments on UA-cam could be. But when it comes down to it, your comment comes across as you lashing out over some kind of fear of 'normal people' co-opting a genre that you obviously have a passionate interest in. But hey, I guess that's just my opinion. I personally think the idea of cats coming off as somehow lovecraftian is quite funny in it's own right, and hey, the jokes keep getting voted up, so I guess at least some other people do too.
@@MegaZeta The movie is strange and mildly disturbing, so exaggerating the distubring aspects through colourful language and verbose word choice results in a fun video. You're just a spoilsport
“...Macavity, who is either a prankster or a serial killer”. Horrifying to ponder.
That's basically The Thing with him. He's both of those things. He's killed actual humans. Scotland Yard wants him caught.
A serial killer is a kind of prankster
@@LaZodiac/videos Wait, humans exist in this universe? I assumed it was just full of weird cat people.
It was just a prank bro!
@@randomperson11111123 In the lore of the film these are just regular house cats in the real human world.
"Rarely does good come from a wealthy auteur micromanaging their 30-something year old property."
-Lindsay Ellis
@@tonimashdane33498 tbf for both directors it was neither their property, nor did they micromanage it
Louise X Skyfall was boring but the cinematography made it worthwhile. However both Spectre and the Last Jedi were absolute messes. Spectre was the second to last movie I watched in the cinema (the last being Suicide Squad which genuinely broke me) so you can imagine how much I hate it lol
Empty Sky, you haven't been to the cinemas in four years?! Whilst I'm sure it's doable it's remarkable nonetheless
Ricky Manson well, piracy and Netflix are right there lol. Also it’s not actually true anymore bc I went to saw Little Women last week (I loved it)
Louise X If we’re going to equate the original post to Star Wars, the Prequels would be a closer comparison.
Honestly, Cats was one of the best movies I've ever seen. Roger Ebert called film an "empathy machine," and by the end of the movie, I empathized with all of the cats in that I, too, wanted to die.
Honestly the critiques that CATS has generated are probably the best part of the entire movie
How can you say something so controversial and yet so brave
Yeah I laughed so hard when I read the boston globe state MY EYES OH GOD MY EYES, and contemplated in such tranquility when watching this the reviews have brought out more emotions than I have felt in months
Probably?
The fact I have a playlist full of critiques is enough proof
These days critiques and video analysis like this gives more entertainment than the subject of criticism and analysis
Is this what horror stories are talking about when they say just beholding something can drive you mad?
maybe the real cats were the eldritch horrors we met along the way
Cathullu.
@@isprobablyjobhunting you put into imperfect, human words the true nature of this film
10/10 would have nightmares again
aydooknow In the Meowth of Madness.
aydooknow
Love that film. But it needed more cats.
You can tell dad's mad when he just drives in silence the whole way home.
hell of a freudian slip
This is amazing
You're amazing too, Abby
the algorithm only _just_ pushed this up? Wtf?
Edit: feed me more existential dread mommy
I read this in your voice
Cat
@Innocent Jogger I'd encourage you to read up on how from being trans works. The National Institute of Health and the Center for Disease Control are great resources!
The shot where Idris Elba's cat suddenly appears out of nowhere buck naked was made so much worse by the fact that, alone among all the cats, Macavity was kinda jacked.
So like you had almost gotten use to living this hell and then all of a sudden, for a mere passing moment, you feel some attraction towards this cat. He is, at least in your now broken mind, kinda hot. And then, quick as a blink, you return to yourself, you feel repulsion towards this travesty return, but in your memories are those split seconds of the grave sin committed in your mind. No one knows your transgressions but you, and you can seek no comfort from others as to do so would mean revealing your weakness. The guilt eats at you, as you lose any sense of what it meant to be happy. You are now a husk, a cardboard cutout pretending the rain is fells pleasant. And you are alone, for you know deep in your soul you deserve no companionship. But worst of all? You know no companionship would suffice now that you yearn for Macavity's rock hard abs. Yummy.
@@SonicKid7 You are attracted to a human aspect (abs) and not some obscure cat aspect of that hybrid humancat-thing. You are strong, that in your horror, you found energy to be attracted to something mids of experiencing this hellscape of a film! Soo No worries!
Plus they inexplicably gave him and only him fur that matches the actor's skin tone. It has to have been a deliberate choice.
@@SonicKid7 I think that's possibly just a personal issue. 😂
@@ImpudentInfidel especially since maccavety is explicitly, a ginger Tom.
What's the moral of Cats™?
Well at the end of the film Dame Judi Dench looks directly down the barrel of the camera and tells the audience that "A cat is not a dog"
And we already know that All Dogs Go to Heaven, so does this mean that these cats are all bound for hell?
@@TheCammerhammer Except for the one that goes to Heaven or gets reincarnated or whatever the Heaviside Layer is
@@sarahgent2674 the heaviside layer is the real world. the lore says that the lucky cat monster can ascend from the film into reality to cast a shadow over this realm for a thousand generations of sorrow and pain and cat sex
@@elliottloverin altho if you've seen this movie you know all cats deserve hell
Incredible
“...But other than that, Ms Lincoln, how was the play?”
Mrs. Lincoln: MY HUSBAND IS DEAD!!!
wom wom wom wom......
"The instinct is to politely look away in embarrassment and respect for Mr. Elba's modesty as though director Tom Hooper had somehow managed to sneak up behind him and steal his clothes." dan you are KILLING me
I mean, at this point, it’s plausible.
1. when i bought tickets to see Cats (2019), the ticket person at the theater laughed.
2. obviously the rebel wilson eating the human-faced cockroaches was very bad, but for some reason, the most upsetting thing for me was seeing sir ian mckellen drinking out of a dish. why did they make him do that.
Piper Leary Sir Ian deserved better
They saw what The Emoji Movie had done to his friend Patrick and took it as a dare.
The ticket master laughed??
Holy shit bro i woulda ran then!
yeah that made me want to cry
Mckellen knew what he had gotten himself in for, he wanted to do it, all of it.
Idris Elba: Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!
Me: Stupid sexy Elba!
@Knock Out :D
Wait he's in this trainwreck?
Yeah, but it seems like he isn’t taking it too seriously and that he knows how ridiculous it is.
SIMPSONS REFERENCE
Calvin_Coolage Yeah. He plays the villain McCavity. He also grinds with Taylor Swift and explodes into a pile of glitter
Having just listened to some H.P. Lovecraft audiobooks, this video seemlessly slots into that by describing an outworldy uncaring horror that the author witnessed.
I hope you can recover.
Cats=Elder Gods :confirmed!
So Cats is in fact the finest Lovecraftian adaption ever, just not in the way most people mean "Lovecraftian adaption."
@@KassFireborn EXACTLY! Old H.P. was a massive cat-boy after all!
It is said that in Ulthar, which lies beyond the river Skai, no man may kill a cat.
@@KassFireborn Its a lovecraft adaptation in the sense that it will make you feel like a lovecraft protagonist.
the fact that a large number of the cats were wearing nothing BUT shoes or one other article of clothing made them feel marginally MORE naked
It provides a contrast that makes the problem sharper.
If you are sitting in the dark, then your eyes adjust. But if you have a light there, then your eyes focus for that light, and everything is gears for taht light, even if it is a shitty light. Thus, everything else is darker.
Yeah, it's like they clearly *should* be wearing something, as indicated by the fact that they are wearing at least one article of clothing, and yet they don't. It's not just thay they are cats so of course they don't wear clothes : they do, and yet they don't
What makes it even better (worse?) is that the twin breakdancing cats who are wearing those shoes... aren't. Those shoes are CGI. In the trailer, they aren't wearing shoes, and if you look closely at their shoes in the movie, they bend in ways that clearly show they're CGI.
@@LavastormSW W H Y
Well, that Thundercats movie is never gonna get made at this point.
A friend of mine called it "flashing the Dench Trench" and now you have to know that, too.
thanks i hate it
Oh god no jesus nonono
Perfection.
You shot a bullet that would take a year to kill me, god damn you.
I do know that now, thanks. Gah.
feels like the end of a lovecraft story
Prove to me this isn't the King in Yellow. Prove to me the cats don't dwell in Carcosa. Prove to me this isn't how the world ends.
Feels like the beginning of a Lovecraft story... what happens when he gets home? CAN he ever go home after seeing what he saw? does the idea of home even exist anymore? Is that a meowing sound he heard in the distance?
Merry Christmas.
@@LazyParia is it minorities or low class whites' fault?
@@emperorleroy6747 What?
Iä-R’lyeh! Cthulhu fhtagn!
This movie was described to me as a new form of pornography that everyone hates.
If you are a particularly repressed individual or would be considered otherwise vanilla than yea sure its pornigraphoc. I think it certainly gonna make some people uncomfortable cause its sexy people covered in fur. Might make them wonder how they are possessed to feel.
Remind's me of Ebert describing Cronenberg's Crash as fetish porn for a fetish nobody has.
It's like they took everything furries find hot in porn and like. Made the exact opposite of that
"A New Form of Pornography that Everyone Hates" would be an excellent title for a highly experimental novel.
Before going in to see Cats, I ordered a gin and tonic. The bartender asked me what I was going to watch, and then immediately offered me a double. By the halfway point, all the gin was gone, and so were 8 audience members out of a starting number of maybe 25. At the supposed emotional climax of the film, when Judy Dench chooses her death candidate, someone on the front row started to giggle, and the rest of the theatre descended into hysterical laughter (emphasis on the hysteria).
But perhaps the strangest moment when right at the beginning, when the film classification popped up. I don't see the green U logo often, because I don't see children's films very often. I know that the BBFC runs on very strict rules, and I guess Cats didn't break any of them - no swearing, no violence, no nudity. But I'm also not sure how they sat through this entire film and came to the conclusion that despite the uncanny valley-ness, the way actors keep rubbing up on each other, and jokes about Jason Derulo's balls, children of any age will not be the slightest bit disturbed by this.
It makes me think that there should be an additional category. Some kind of "N", that stands for "Nobody will get out of this alive, but it doesn't really break any of your social mores so I guess kids can also be scarred by this too".
"death candidate" made me laugh out loud
It’s rated “universal” because you will be traumatized regardless of age
The show has always been "sexually inappropriate", but it was the first "mega musical" that was constantly attended by families with small children, so I imagine changing the rating for the adaptation - a movie that doesn't really add to, or worsen, the inappropriateness that was already there - felt like a needless roadblock that would probably get some parents pretty upset (it's much more affordable to take your kid to see the CATS movie than to see CATS on stage), they just gave it a "U"/"G"/"(Insert-rating-from-your-country's-MPAA-equivalent-here)". Which is hilarious cos the way a lot of these rating systems are set up are friggin jokes anyway, but I guess they like to think they've built up a reasonable amount of respect and would rather not piss off one too many audience members or studios...
My worst moment of 2019 was Dame Judy Dench clasping her human hands in the last number, turning to the camera, and peering into every sin I've ever committed through my eyes. I literally thrust backwards and upwards into my chair and I stayed half-risen for the whole number.
At first I kind of skimmed this comment and was a little alarmed by “stayed half-risen for the whole number”
I am a DIE-HARD 'Cats' fan and I 100-percent agree with you. The CGI takes out all of the bodied humanity that you enjoy in the theatrical version, yet at the same time there is WAY TOO MUCH body.
SO MUCH BODY
It's significantly less sexual than the play. And they worked to make the movie less sexual through changes to the cg.
And how does mocap affect the appeal of the dances? It's literally the exact same movements. You're making no sense.
@@Theyungcity23 definitely too sexual
How can you be a huge Cats fan? It's absolute trash even the book it's based off is just the baby talk ramblings of Eliot's brain infected with toxoplasmosis
@@arlostein1000 toxoplasmosis-induced rambling is a concept that sounds incredibly funny to me for some reason
There's a good reason why they kept this as a theater production until now.
Yup, CATS is purely a theater show where you pay to see practical effects, costuming, and nonsensical song and dance, plot be damned.
There's a direct to DVD adaptation. Not this one, another one.
It was to keep people's minds sane, it was a contingency tactic
@@iam9991000 Yeah, you can actually see clips of it on the official YT channel. But it's basically a recording of the stage play, so I'm not counting it like a movie.
@@iam9991000 If you want it I have a YT playlist of the entirety of that VHS/DVD version.
you know a movies gonna be good when reviews of it sound like an SCP reading
The movie itself is probably an SCP item.
You know, now that you mention it, I think this movie IS an SCP
And the object class is Keter as we're all going to die!
Cats: Gets released
Every critic out there: "My experience has left me with immense trauma."
Tom Hooper: I'm gonna shoot this movie with mostly handheld camera and shallow depth of field, to add some stylistic realism to a movie about CGI mutant cat people on proportionally inconsistent giant sets.
"Everyone who sees ''Cats'' will have their own reaction - their own moment that becomes seared into their being for the rest of time, like prophets of old, glimpsing the true face of God." truly, until the day I die, I will never be able to banish the image of Jason Derulo *almost* sucking on some cat's human toes
Jesus Christ what??
For me, it has to be Old Deuteronomy staring straight into the camera, and deadpan saying “Remember a Cat is not a Dog” as if that were the moral from this trainwreck, the most important detail we were meant to take away. I started laughing uncontrollably at that scene, and soon after the entire room was laughing at how ridiculously stupid it was.
Mine was definitely when Taylor Swift's fingernails extended into claws. My whole body broke out in goosebumps just writing this.
When Idris Elba shows up without any clothes. I can only laugh as the uncontrollable horror fills my body. There is no experience in my 21 years of life that compares to the horror I felt that cold day in December of 2019.
I watched an absolute garbage camrip of this with my best friend that would cut to an ad for a gambling site every twenty minutes and somehow the worst part of the experience was when Rebel Wilson cat removed her skin.
And while I’m here... “Judi Dench “ and “scissoring in approval” should never be in the same sentence
Well it has some novelty value...
i saw a clip of this and couldn't believe it was real. i hate it
Not just in the same sentence. These two phrases should never be used in the same form of media, or on the same week.
"I'm not familiar with this story, and very clearly CATS has no interest in aiding the uninitiated." No, see, your mistake was assuming that CATS had a story in the first place. There's no extra exposition that the musical has that the movie doesn't. There's no secret backstory that CATS super-fans know and you don't. You have already fully grasped the plot of CATS. There's nothing more to it.
The problem with that is the musical has spectacle made from the ballet and the intense singing bits of it that make up for the lack of a concise plotline and make it an entertaining enough experience for even the most confused non-theatre fan watchers.
I haven't seen the movie yet but apparently (according to most reviewers) the CGI they worked SO hard on has completely failed to take the place of impressive choreography and talented vocals where they should have filled the gap of the plot.
honestly, as a fan of musical theater the one time I watched Cats live on stage left me sorely disappointed precisely because of the lack of any plot. It just didn‘t leave any lasting impression on me aside from Memory which I knew and loved before. Until recently I honestly thought it‘s just me, seeing as the musical is wildly successful but I guess most people just don‘t care about the lack of a compelling story or of menorable characters as long as there‘s spectacle to be dazzled by...
@@simoneholenstein6977 I don't think there is no plot to it, the plot is just quite simple and only there to frame the spectacle that the choreography, acting and singing create.
The whole thing is an annual ball at which each cat that wishes to ascend presents itself and it's achievements in front of the leader, then the villain shows up to muck stuff up, the magical dude saves the day, and the ball is back on track.
For a musical, as long as you pay attention to the lyrics, the efforts the actors make to fill up every second on stage with movement and cat shenanigans, and if the production is well made, it's enough. As a movie, however, had they wanted to present this to anyone over 10 years old they might've wanted to invest in a tone shift and some more attention to plot.
I personally only like the 1998 film version of it, it's like a close up of the best version of the stage production you'll get, except the actors have obviously taken multiple takes to get every second of it just right. I have been to live plays of the musical but it's not as impressive when you're older, or, maybe I just haven't been to GOOD live plays of it.
Ella Marat I mean, that’s not surprising. Not everything needs a plot to be good in theater. That’s cool imo. It just doesn’t translate well to film at all.
@@angelic252 EXACTLY!! You can tell a non-fan from someone who actually enjoyed the show when they state "CATS has no plot". It does. It tells you the plot ad nauseam, but it has one.
"Everyone who sees ''Cats'' will have their own reaction - their own moment that becomes seared into their being for the rest of time, like prophets of old, glimpsing the true face of God." This is probably my favorite sentence you've ever uploaded.
It was then that Dan understood, in that moment as the credits roll, that god was truly dead, and Cats had killed him.
If hell is the one place God chooses not to have His presence, hell is Cats.
The movie Cats sent God on a balloon trip and he came back as a cat monster
imagine the above comment by beoweasal in a morgan freeman voice
and then played with his corpse and hid his head in your bed to find when you're asleep. BECAUSE CATS.
I remain baffled as to why they couldn’t have done a Cats film with mostly practical effects and theatrical costuming. I suspect the producers would say that the theatrical costumes “looked silly,” but *Cats is already silly*. Better to go for a representational look that emphasizes the physical reality of the singing and dancing than to incept in your audience the realization that God is not real and we’re all going to die and existence is meaningless and *that lady just unzipped her skin what the fuck*.
As mentioned further up, the character in the stage play isn't actually as...erm...well proportioned as the actress. It makes sense in the stage play since during that particular point the person removes the huge fur coat their wearing to reveal a glamorous outfit underneath. However because of the Actresses proportions they couldn't really do that reveal without 'fat shaming' her which just made it REALLY weird...
Or, you know. God forbid animate it fully and forgo real actors to begin with.
the people that work with special effects and costuming have unions while the cgi animators do not
@@luketfer wtf are you talking about
@@louisee7339 they're trying to nicely say that Rebel Wilson is pretty fat. In the play, that character unzips a huge furcoat to reveal the glamourous outfit (it shouldn't be an outfit underneath her skin) and is actually a lot thinner. They couldn't do that with Rebel Wilson without making it look like fat shaming because she is pretty fat.
Listen to people talk about the film makes me liken it to The King in Yellow, where every account is horrid and its effects on people would drive one mad, yet every time makes me want to get it myself just to see how horrifying it truly is.
you've finally given me the words to describe cats 2019
Huh. This UA-cam comment just made me get a reference in a different book I read. I can't recall the name but one of the antagonists was The King in Yellow, Hastur, who commanded abomination monsters and could destroy one's mind.
I'm trying to recall... One of the main characters was a man named Zach.. ah yes, The Infinite Realm by Ivan Kal.
I had no clue Hastur was a character from a completely different book.
lovecraft being public domain, you'll find a lot of books, games, and movies have characters either ripped, or very heavily referenced from many of lovecrafts writings, as well as the 'expanded universe' he built with his colleagues. @@vastowen4562
Your expressions is just everyone astounded by how bad the movie looks
a slap-fight started breaking out in my theater and I literally almost said, “excuse me, but I’m trying to watch CATS”
Horror movie writers and directors have spent a collective lifetime trying to encapsulate what cats achieved in 2 hours. I'm not sure if humanity will ever witness such an artistic accomplishment again.
My wife went to see it before the “patch” could be released (I stayed home because I knew better) and the thing she inexplicably could not let go off was the two separate ballshot jokes, neither of which made the audience laugh. In fact, she said, there was only a single laugh - her own, at the uncomfortableness of the moment - in the entire run of the film in front of a half-full AMC.
THE MOVIE PLAYED OUT IN ITS ENTIRETY WITH ONLY ONE INSTANCE OF REACTION FROM THE AUDIENCE.
And that reaction came from the realization of the previous sentence.
Truly a benchmark in cinema.
I don't think I've ever seen a movie break critics so bad before, half of the reviews sound like the ramblings of a poor, unfortunate soul that looked into the eyes of the elder gods and went mad.
@@murciadoxial8056 They need to make more movies like that
I choose to believe Dan had a dashcam turned inwards in his car and it was filming the entire time he was in the cinema.
#IBelieveInDanOlson
I'd be surprised if dashcams use film. But if somebody's did, I wouldn't be surprised if it was Dan's.
@@HereComesPopoBawa
"Filming," here being used as a synonym of "recording," just as cinematic features are called "films," and "movies."
@@IrvingIV Indeed, "recording" can encompass any manner of record, be it audible, visual, textual, or any other sort of script of how something happened. I don't know of a better term than "filming" here except maybe "video recording", but that's a bit awkward.
#releasethedashcamcut
this better not awaken anything in me...
Merry deanmess!
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Dalmatian weirdo
Trust me, it wont.
Don't worry it won't
what winslow saw in the light at the end of "the lighthouse" was an early screening of 'cats'
4:13 "Cats is a film seated so firmly at the bottom of the Uncanny Valley that it has set up residences, sewn and harvested wheat, raised children, and developed its own system of divine mathematics."
I honestly wasn't ready for an insult of that magnitude despite the fact that it was more than deserved.
*SCREAMS INTERNALLY AND EXTERNALLY*
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*SCREAMS SEXTERNALLY*
When Idris Elba took his coat off for the first time, I said oh no out loud. My sister concurred.
Koyaanisqatsi but instead of Philip Glass music it's a guy talking about Cats.
Koyaaniscatsi, if you will.
I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE
Why can't we have the man talk about Cats and the Philip Glass music?
koyaaniSCATsi, life out of balance
The vantage point of the footage in most of this review makes it feel like Dan had to be stretchered to the hospital after having a Rum-Tum-total nervous breakdown.
When the film started, I had a glee at the fact that the cat bodies just looked so unnatural. It wasn't until Rebel Wilson's cat character ate a couple cockroaches that my joy disappeared, leaving me to just... let the movie play. I exited the film with the thought of "well, that was something I happened to watch".
Its just ugly to look at, I have no idea who made the decisions on cgi modeling, the color palate is so shaded it just looks dirty, the sets/background cgi completely disregard scale which is difficult for you brain to adjust to because it wants uniformity. the jerky movement isn't catlike, its like bad youtube jumpcut editing. it just fails so hard at what it was trying to do.
that was your brain's immune system in action
you can tell this is deeply troubling for dan because there's no amy at the end
amy is the only good cat now
I reckon he went home, after driving for a few hours, and didn’t even so much as look at Amy, in case, against all logic, he looked at her and saw only his own face where once a cat’s was. It wasn’t worth the risk to check. Cosmic horror with no equal.
When I got home after Cats, I couldn't look at my cat for a hot minute, either
5:44 I think part of the reason that Elba looks so naked even compared to the other cats is also due to the fact that he’s the only leading cat who’s fur doesn’t have any catlike patterns on it.
It’s just a solid colour that is not far off his own skin tone so in the wide shots where it’s harder to see the fur texture he just looks like he’s naked
That opening sequence was of a man whose eyes reflected that he'd seen attack ships on fire off the Shoulder of Orion, and watched C-Beams glitter off the Tannhäuser Gate, but I'll lay good money that Dan would love to see that memory disappear like tears in rain.
I feel bad in admitting this but I believe the slow, solemn mental breakdowns of film critics like you is what's spurring my interest in this movie...
This makes me want to see the movie. Judy Dench "scissoring into the air with approval" has certainly peaked my interest
@@trequor *piqued
@@mrjuanderfuI No, "peaked". "Piqued" means something else, Lopez
@@trequor are you joking? You used the idiom incorrectly. "Piqued my interest" means to spark (arouse) curiosity. That idiom has always been that way. It's ok to be wrong.
"peaked my interest" is a common eggcorn online. An eggcorn is a phrase used incorrectly from mishearing or misinterpreting the proper word or phrase.
@@mrjuanderfuI I'm well aware. I'm not using the idiom. I'm afraid that you are making assumptions... *Lopez*
Cats is gonna be a cult classic christmas horror movie.
I come back every now and then to just marvel at the eldritch horror on Dan’s face and in his voice, as though he’d just seen a production of the King in Yellow but all of the actors are completely nude
the footage used for this is lovely. the upward shot of downtown while hearing you speak of the recent horrors witnessed, it brings me back to my childhood. laying down in the back seat, staring up at the street lights while hearing family fight about issues on the ride home. Painfully beautiful.
It's like giving someone $95 million to make a two-hour episode of Xavier: Renegade Angel and releasing it to 4,000 theaters nationwide.
That would be such a power move, honestly.
Sambou Jaiteh I'd watch the shot out of that though!
Xavier was a clever kind of purposeful bad.
Cats is horrifyingly genuine.
Except Xavier was a well executed, smartly done chaos, with great dialogue. Cats is just some Eldritch abomination
Xavier: Renegade Angel is hilarious though
When I saw this video title, I had forgotten that cats was a movie and was excited for whatever you were about to say about the animals.
7:00 "their own moment ..."
Well - mine was when Dame Judy Dench...
7:16 Yes. Exactly that one, thanks very much.
i’m positive there was at least one VFX artist sobbing upon its release, like “god damn it the cockroaches look so bad. there was no time. they just have to look like shit.” there is no deeper pain than being forced into mediocrity by an unfair deadline
I felt that in my bones dude
Cats is premiering in my country on the 28th and I just booked two seats to a late night screening for me and my ex-boyfriend. It's just the perfect movie to treat your ex to.
Keep us updated. Let us know how it goes.
Jey X. Also poisoned popcorn....
You either have the worst relationship with your ex, or the best. Either way please update!
I think your ex may get the wrong idea
You absolute monster! I like you.
Damn man hope you feel better soon
The auditorium I saw this film in was absolutely packed. Everyone was in on the joke. Whooping laughter, manic applause, shouted speculations and bewildered outcry filled the theater as we all endured the madness together. I've been to less rowdy showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
It was one of the greatest cinematic experiences I've ever seen.
I was lo key prepared to watch an 8-minute video that was just Dan driving home from the theatre, getting home, and sitting at his kitchen table in shock
My mom asked me to watch this movie with her and the trailer left me feeling so shaken that I couldn't bring myself to watch it. The original musical is also an existential exercise, but at least there's real humans dancing to mask the cognitive dissonance of the story.
Is it bad that this has almost made me want to see the film *more*?
same... people keep saying how horny it is, and I feel like I have to "experiment" with this movie like a confused college freshman.
Yes, maybe I'm just not getting the joke, but it sounds like an extremely effective horror movie. Maybe too effective?
This is the only thing that has made me want to see it. I had no idea their cat bodies were......cg....or that there was any cg in the movie....the point was that it was a bunch of people in suits writhing around, wasn't it?
This is the only thing that has made me want to watch the movie.I feel allmost compelled
It's alluring, but do you really what to give money to them? Like, they might make more of this shit.
I'm watching it illegally.
I feel like the writers of _Cats_ sat around and said: “let’s make the most unnerving movie we can” and then they _did._
But at least if they'd done it *on purpose,* we could (shudder but still) politely applaud that they at least achieved their goal.
That didn't seem to actually be the goal, though. Yet this was just like a nightmare that was made viewable, pensieve-projector style, to an unsuspecting and undeserving-of-such-punishment audience. Who paid to be there, sure, but they paid to waste their time on a flashy, showy spectacle -- not to be horrified and discomforted by some lovecraftian tribute, Alice in Wonderland-meets-Cats-meets... idk, a D-level horror-survival movie?... mishmash.
SCP-CATS
Object Class Euclid, Threat Level Yellow
Cognitohazard
10 / 10 reference
@@Misadventures_85 all I am is references
That's the only way to explain it.
The MTF's didn't stand a chance
Considering that the Blu-Ray is about to come out soon, Object Class upgrade to Keter is recommended.
I'm expecting a few reviews that talk about the film at that point, as well as some unholy clips.
Sometimes I return to this video to listen to the monologue.
If there's an example of critique being an art in itself, this is it.
I wonder if that memory whipe thing is available to the audience.
Ah, maybe they cut the crossover ending with MiB.
*Wipe.
Looks like Macavity left a cavity in this man’s soul.
He describes this as a Lovecraftian nightmare and everything he says is true.
You poor thing...you actually think CATS (the musical) has a plot. It’s based on a book of poems by T. S. Eliot. “Jellicle cat” is based on his niece’s corruption of the words “dear little cats.” Hooper should have never made this movie.
so this is all just layers of bad art atop each other.
Andrew Ollmann you're being too generous. It's closer to Eliot's baby talk insanity after his brain was infected with toxoplasmosis. One upside now everyone realises Hooper sucks which should've been realised after les mis
Dude he is plainly aware of that
"Suessical nonsense"
@@arlostein1000 are you one of those people that is absolutely obsessed with hating actual cats
@@iosefka7774
Sounds like it.
i grew up reading the poems, and all i can picture in my head as you say the character's names are the charming little drawings that came with them. i can hardly wait for the first bootleg, to experience true discomfort
This is the second “I am now scarred for life” review of the movie Cats I’ve seen, and they have both been so funny that I think I might go see the movie. Just to not miss the horror of the decade.
They should have had this as the trailer. Now I want to see it.
Same
_Ooooohhh Long Johnson_
_Ooooohhh Grand Piano_
Berserk
overlookers
The best reference!
WHYYYYY MY EYES YAH.
All the live long day
I honestly can't wait to see this monstrosity when it appears on Netflix in a few months.
a few weeks actually
OMG
"Dan... It's about cats."
-Andrew Lloyd Weber
There's bad, and then there's "question the very nature of existence" bad.
This is the most beautifully shot Folding Ideas video, and yet, it's a video on the horror of Cats.
"A room full of naked cats wrything and yowling."
naked HUMAN cats*
I think the most disturbing thing to me - besides the movie, was how accepting the audience I was sitting amongst was. They laughed at all the jokes, I heard them murmur about how the Beetles with human faces were cute, how the leading cat was adorable, they got emotional through memory. I felt like I was in an alternate universe where movies like this are accepted and it just baffles me how others didn't see what I saw. Half way through my husband pointed out to me that Judy Dench's song sounded like when you try to translate something using google translate and I could not stop laughing no matter how hard I tried. And after that, I just couldn't help but laugh nervously at every strange thing that happened on screen. So much that the lady behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Just be quiet please" I was so shook and kind of sad that i wasn't able to enjoy the rest of the movie by laughing at it, so I had to endure it with a serious face. One of the weirdest experiences of my life.
The style of this review made me genuinely surprised when it ended without John Green rating the experience out of five stars.
i'm a simple person. i see CATS (2019). i click the notification.
I've been obsessively watching the reviews as I find them, I suppose to absorb the experience through horror-stricken osmosis. I think it is both my own divine quest and unholy prison to behold all the Hells and tortures Cats (2019) has to bestow upon man.
Shitty movies give us so much good UA-cam videos
@@mysteriousnonamegirl7685 Same.
“She was named after a Queen...”
Victoria?
Correct
But she’s not supposed to be stripped she’s a white cat
@@lunarbunny8098 She's white, but has little leopard spots. She's also the only white cat (I think). God this movie feels like a fever dream.
Latifa
Free. Your. Skin.
Ah good, a fine upstanding gentleman ready to
FREE.
THEIR SKIN.
I hate myself just enough to want to watch this monstrosity.
Man, the King in Yellow wish he could do somehting like this
Wait, did anyone check the credits? Hastur might be an Exec. Producer.
Dread Catcosa
The black cat fled across the desert, and the gunslinger cried in his car.
Shub-NiPURRath, the Black Cat of Broadway with a Thousand Kittens
"Myask? Cats wear nyo myask!"
A Folding Ideas video about CATS? It's a Christmas miracle!
It’s the true meaning of Kwanzar
Foldablefeline
BUT AT WHAT COST?
@@courierbilly Clearly at the cost of the mans peace of mind
more like a X-Mas terror...released from the eldritch dominion.....
Lights up. Tom Hooper turns toward the test audience stunned silent. He smiles unnaturally and remarks, "I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it."
"The winner was a cat who everybody hates for reasons I was unable to parse." So, James Corden then?
No, why people hate Cordon is pretty clear.
@@esotericVideos D'you mind sharing the knowledge? I've seen so much James Corden hate, particularly from Europeans (who universally seem to despise him), and I don't quite understand it? I get that he's unfunny and punchable, but that applies to a lot of celebrities.
@@caoisekamay1175 when he was younger a story came out every year or 2 of him being an absolute prick to waiters fans ect. Also hes done anything good since gavin and Stacey.
@@caoisekamay1175 Sorry this reply comes so late to where you’re now probably either up to speed or no longer care, the UA-camr Cid Dwyer actually has a video cataloging most of the shitty things James has done on-record. I don’t remember the precise title; just search Cid and James’s names together and it should come up 😊
I don't care what anyone says. I'm watching this movie with my mother period. Sure I couldn't get through saying the title without breaking down laughing outside the movie theater. So what? WE NEED CATS
I don't understand this reaction... but then again, I'm a dog person.
@@timothymclean I hear a human-dog hybrid almost made it onscreen for this movie and I think that's the only thing I'd wanna see irl
I would say just don't laugh inside the theater.. But I doubt you would disturb someone since there is no one watching this movie
@@Black_pearl_adrift there undeniably is a few seconds where you can feel, deep in your soul, the horror of "oh fuck there's about to be a dog"
RIP kof cuf ????-2019
thanks for enduring this movie so i dont have to
You have to. You won't understand until you do
It's not what "Bob" does to you, it's what "Bob" allows you to do to yourself.
For many, this was the last experience they had in the cinema before the Pandemic.
What was it, if not an omen.
I've laughed so hard when he described the flip being switched to realize ALL the cats are now naked I almost hit a brick wall with my car!