Conflict Management for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) with Jonathan Decker from CINEMA THERAPY
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- Опубліковано 2 чер 2024
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If you're a highly sensitive person, you may find that conflicts can be particularly challenging for you. As someone who processes information deeply and is easily overwhelmed by sensory input, you may feel intensely emotional during disagreements and have difficulty expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly.
In this video, we'll explore some effective conflict management strategies for highly sensitive persons that can help you navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way.
The first step in conflict management for highly sensitive persons is to understand and acknowledge your own feelings. When you're in the midst of a conflict, it's easy to become overwhelmed by emotions and lose sight of what you really want to communicate. Take some time to identify your feelings and try to understand where they're coming from. Are you feeling hurt, angry, or misunderstood? Once you have a better understanding of your own emotions, you'll be better equipped to express yourself effectively.
Next, it's important to listen actively to the other person's perspective. As a highly sensitive person, you may be more attuned to nonverbal cues and emotional signals, so pay close attention to the other person's body language and tone of voice. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they're coming from. This can help you find common ground and identify potential solutions.
When you're ready to express your own perspective, try to do so calmly and respectfully. Use "I" statements to communicate your own feelings and avoid blaming or accusing the other person. For example, instead of saying "you always do this," say "I feel hurt when this happens." This can help keep the conversation focused on finding a solution rather than assigning blame.
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How many of us HSPs grew up with emotionally dis-regulated parents? I did and I can’t tell if repeatedly watching my Dad dissolve into rage was how I learned to read people and try to avoid conflict, or if I was just born that way …?
I think it is both. We were born with this predisposition. And we used our ability every day in order to survive a hostile environment. Finally we became masters of this skill.
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My dad was military and my mom came from a really broken home. Their trauma and rage was so overwhelming I can't even explain it.
Not sure if it's nature vs nurture or a mix of both, but my environment was not safe, I had a narcissistic mother and brother and both had malignant tendencies in the form of physically injuring me to get me to do what they want and I too had to start to learn to read their tells to try to reduce the severity of the injuries or delay them causing the injuries.
Same 🙌🏻
How I manage my response to other people's emotions: I remind myself their emotions are not my emotions and that I am safe and I take a few deep breaths.
I need to get this tattooed on my arm... 😆Thank you. This is great.
I have to remind myself of this too- also to let them have their feelings. It’s really hard because on a deep level I feel I have to quench out my own feelings as a maladaptive behavior. That opens up a while can of worms for me deeply so that I can learn to allow myself to have my own feelings and be less codependent
"I am safe" is sooo under-rated. Most physical symptoms experienced by an HSP is our body telling us we are not safe. If we can recognise this in the moment and remind ourselves that we are actually safe, that is life changing. If, however, we are not safe - well, that is another story all together but a calm response is ALWAYS more helpful than a hyper response.
@@krestahumphrey2718God yes, one of my least favourite things about all this is the racing heart. Because that really makes me feel like something is wrong, I can deal with mental discomfort usually but if I feel like I can hardly breathe because I'm so aware of my heartbeat, it just distracts me further. So yeah, reminding myself that I'm actually safe should be incorporated into my calming down routine 😅
I'd also be thinking, "I'm sure the forks are somewhere on this table right now, and I'm just not seeing them. If I interrupt my host to ask for a fork, she's going to point to them right in front of me, and I'll feel foolish and know that I've interrupted her for no good reason. I can solve this; I can take care of my needs without asking anyone for anything, because that's the only safe way to go."
The fork story is absolutely me. My parents taught us very strict rules for politeness, which may have worked for others, but I was undx autistic and HSP... So it became what I like to call toxic politeness, where I will, literally walk into a ditch to get out of someone's way and may brain calls it "just being polite"
I'm seriously codependent. I'm also borderline personality disorder. I never set any boundaries. I'm a mess!
Oh my goodness, I could have written this comment,
SAME
The fork story is 100% happened to me... multiple times.
So true. I don’t want my husband to fix my problems I want him to listen and validate that it’s ok to have feelings about situations.
Same!!! I thought I was the only one…
I'm single, but I understand. We HSPs need people in our lives who won't tell us we shouldn't feel one way or another, but accept that we do and be okay with it.
Oh my gosh. That’s it. My husband doesn’t understand that and I am always really confused when something goes wrong because I don’t know if my reaction is appropriate or not. Am I having a catastrophic reaction or am I brushing something off that I shouldn’t? I just don’t know.
YES
@@alyross2850it can be confusing . All the best
Pleeeeeaaaase make the video about how to deal with negative emotions of others as a hsp persons! I really need it. I don't know how to deal with it and it feels like it's controlling my life and stopping me from growing
Yes. I'm dealing with this issue, too. I'm really struggling.
Sameee
Separation of self from the other. I.e. HSP has a hard time with being empathetic, because they don't know how to draw lines between what are your emotions vs someone else's. Acknowledging emotions coming from others is the first step. Then not identifying with them is the second. Even if in your head you can go "this person is feeling sad right now, I am seeing that they are sad, I am not sad, I'm experiencing their experience". You can mentally put a barrier between yourself and the other person, mainly to shut out that emotion and keep it apart from the self. Mainly it's a psychological exercise to just separate with full knowledge of where emotions are coming from.
Then once you're aware of your own experience. I.e. if they're impacting your own emotions like yelling and escalation. First regulate. Take a pause and come back to the conversation. Second when someone else is trying to talk about their own feelings, validate, listen, ask what they need and focus on them, not your own feelings or emotions.
I'm an HSP. It's so hard to deal with people's discomfort or misunderstandings etc. I generally care a lot, often probably too much, that when I feel too emotionally close to someone (easily affected by them) I tend to swing to the polar opposite (or feel the need to) and have an "I don't care about them" "I hate them" type of stance in order to create an emotional separation... I want to deal with all of this better. I want to learn to be practical and upfront more in relationships.
Same! At first I'll try to keep as much distance as possible, eventually realise that it's safe to be vulnerable and then become unable to retain any emotion around that person and feel the need to have them acknowledged, and eventually start resenting the fact that the person has so much influence over me 😅 it's annoying and unhealthy... have you made any progress in the meantime?
@@xLiLlyx98have y’all looked into “anxious attachment style”? Or even borderline personality? That kind of self sabotaging and switching between high interest and low interest and fear of abandonment and self-fulfilling abandonment to regain a sense of control; all indicate some kind of developmental trauma wound (and that can be subtle)
Try learning about cognitive distortions and learn when you're getting into those distortions. Learning self emotional regulation will help with these extreme responses.
Even if you're feeling emotions from the other, it's still about learning how to manage our own emotions. Getting some healthy coping mechanisms will help to manage it better.
A crossover in the online therapist multiverse! Love it! ❤
A pleasantly surprise!
I’m an HSP and elderly now. I try my best to practice strong boundaries and that really helps me a lot. Most importantly, I practice validation in dealing with others as well as for myself. I try my best to practice active listening. I certainly am not perfect and I expect I will be a work in progress until I draw my last breath.
Thank you for sharing your gift.
Sharing your experience here is a gift itself, thank you for sharing this. Your comment has impacted me. All the best. 💚
@The Good News (Gospel). Scripture reading. you *are* out of touch, no one asked for your proselytizing.
You beautifully described yourself.🤍
@@AunyxRaShea huh?
Ooh ooh! More stuff on HSP's please. Dr Elaine Aron's work on highly sensitive people is life affirming. So wonderful. Would love you to do more on this topic. So many of us are HSP's but a lot of people have never heard of HSP so they think something is wrong with them. This needs to be more mainstream and part of the narrative.
I agree
I'm an HSP, and I have high functioning autism. When I'm stressed, I sometimes just shut down and give short answers, I sound very glum. I want people to just leave me alone. I sometimes feel out-of-place in a world that values people who're direct, more "aggressive," extroverted, and that I need to be fixed. That I need to change. It's like I need to learn another language when it comes to interacting with others, picking up cues, and playing the social game.
Our rules at work are:
1. Kind and Direct
2. Choose discomfort over resentment
3. Get curious before you get furious
And these 3 rules have changed everything for us!
Here is a personal story so you don't feel bad about the fork event, because stuff like that happens to us HSP people: I went to someone's restaurant (a owner) and I ordered a tea. They brougut it to me, but without the teabag. I didnt want to bother them, so when they ask me if I like the tea I said it was great! So I just actually drank hot water with sugar to not offend the person...Funny thing is they figured out in the end and I felt so embarrased!
Lol, I felt this comment.
My wife and I are both HSPs. We are thoughtful with our language and own our own stuff. We’ve been married for 20 years and our relationship deepens every year. She’s a retired Social Worker. I’m a retired college professor. To me, sensitivity is a mic with the gain turned up. Did my parents understand me? Not until I was an adult and understood myself enough to articulate my experience. My mom wanted a fighter, because she was. I was more of a diplomat. Why create needless suffering? I first heard Desiderata when I was 12. “Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are vexations to the spirit.” That poem was on my wall throughout my teens. It was a beacon.
17:47, I actually have a core memory of someone coming out of a fancy take-out restaurant with a bag full of food for his family (presumably). But he tripped and fell, dropping everything on the ground. He just stood there for like 10 seconds, staring at the spilled food. I was maybe 6 or 7 at the time, and I thought I was feeling an explosion of complex mucky emotions I didn't understand at that time coming from that man that was only a couple of meters away from me.
Two decades later, through therapy and all that, I realized that I was constantly trying to prevent people around me from feeling those kinds of emotions. By that I mean the emotions people label as being "lower frequency emotions" or something. Needless to say, those emotions (like anger, sadness, fear, and even more nuanced ones like shame) were suppressed to the max within myself, and stopped me from being authentic with the people around me.
What ultimately led me to shed that weight off, was to sit down and re-imagine that scene of the man falling, and myself as a kid simply watching. As an adult, I now know that this man was probably frozen in place simply because he was processing his emotions, and figuring out what to do next. It wasn't a life-ending situation. He simply dropped food on the ground. Maybe he was feeling embarrassed, sad at the loss of money, or whatever. What he was feeling isn't what's important. It's what I was feeling as a kid. I had put myself in his shoes and, being a kid with no money, I couldn't have fixed the situation if that happened to me. Now that I know more about the different emotions and how they feel inside of myself, I can re-experience that scene with adult eyes. Thinking: "Damn, that's a real shame. I'd probably be a little dazed and a bit upset at my own clumsiness if that happened to me. Rough day for that man. I genuinely wish good on him, and that he is able to get new food."
So here's advice from an admittedly young person who just discovered their first white beard hair the other day: Learn about yourself and what makes you tick. Feel those emotions deeply, even the more negative ones. Aim to understand how those emotions feel inside of your body, so you can notice them even when your nervous system is going crazy. Notice the good emotions also, and feel them vividly, because you deserve to experience those ones as well.
Remember: You can't "logic" yourself out of every single situation. Don't go on this path alone, even if it feels like it's easier. People have value, and so do you. Mix and match your wisdom together and you will both emerge as fuller, brighter people.
Good read, amazing perspective’s.
💖. I love the idea of renarrating the story through your current eyes. The power of stories we tell ourselves can be either a prison or a passport, huh?
Oh man, I felt the emotions reading this story! It sucks lol
As an HSP throughout the majority of my life, I felt that (subconsciously) it was my mission to only be liked by people. I couldn't stand the prospect of being disliked by anyone and tense interactions with people made me feel deeply uncomfortable. But I'm getting better at slowly turning this around as I build a better relationship with myself.
Could you do a video on HSP in general?
This video is so helpful. My husband and a few of my kids are HSP’s. The word “sensitive” can definitely be triggering. I’ve tried to reframe that word for them so they see it as a special ability. I NEED sensitive people in my life.
So refreshing to hear these things and ohhh the recognition😂😂😂 I manage other’s discomfort by repeating mantras that are essentially boundaries. “I am not responsible for other people’s emotions” and “This is temporary”.
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If there had been another HSP in the room they might have sensed your need for a fork and discreetly helped you out. I love your content and also am glad that you're human. ❤
@@julinaonYT Ohhh!! That's definitely me. I guess it registers as not being selfish therefore politeness is preserved 🤔
I sometimes get annoyed at people when they don't notice that I'm struggling/need help or attention. Like in the fork example, I will internally (mostly subconsciously) resent the host that they didn't notice that I just came and didn't show around the table and made sure I have everything... I wouldn't say anything, of course, and I would just try to get over this resentment
I definitely would have noticed it!
I would have found you a fork lol. I always thought of myself as highly analytical and detail-oriented, but now I see I am also HSP
this!!!!! 😂
I'm an HSP married to another HSP. Conversation can be SO hard when either of us is anything less than happy. One of us shuts down and the other gets frustrated because they don't feel heard and we both wind up hurt and probably in tears. We've had to work really hard to recognize when to shelve conversations and try again later
My closest friends and I are all autistic and have emotional sensitivity but also big emotions, and used to have poor communication skills lol. Very rocky start but we got really good at conflict resolution and two of us are therapists now haha
Good collab! Good talk. Answer to his question: As an HSP, I've seen both sides of dealing with conflict. I know the standard way, and I've devised a solution that's a ZEN way to deal with intense conflict. It has steps.
When a conflict breaks out between two people on the other side of the room, or between me and another person, my natural instinct is to get into flight mode. If that doesn't work, I go into freeze/fawn-mode where it's easiest to quell the conflict by accept accusations regardless of whether they are correct, and to be the saviour, and to be the validating person. Then my HSP uses me. ALTERNATIVELY,
I become aware that a conflict is breaking out and I warn my body that this will be uncomfortable, so my body actively acknowledges the conflict (instead of trying to ignore/deny/refrain involvement). "Ok there's conflict over there." And next, I imagine a bubble around me, because their emotions don't have to me my emotions. "I'm going to put up my mental shield." And next, I can let the conflict happen around me, where I actively remind myself that the 'conflict' is just a LOUD conversation between. "These are two scared animals that both want to find the best way to be safe. They both argue intensely on the short-term about the best way to avoid long-term conflict. And avoiding short-term conflict causes big issues on the long-term. So it's healthy these two people talk like that."
If I'm in the conflict, then I use my HSP. I use my sensitivity as a tool for conflict resolution. I also do this: I try to see where I am in the drama triangle, and which drama triangle that person sketches, then I ask myself how to make it into a positive anti-drama triangle. Sometimes, I admit out loud that I am not entirely clear on how to say what want, and I ask the other person to help me verbalize my thoughts and wishes. I use MANY of Emma's techniques to name&acknowledge their intense emotion, figure out if there are secondary emotions, validate that it must hurt to have a boundary crossed, and I use 'non-violent communication' techniques.
Now I can stand in front of loudly complaining customers or panicking friends, or arguing strangers, and I can be completely zen, exhale, and think: "that sounds like your problem, and it's not mine to fix." And I'll be happy.
It's such a relief to have HSP therapists talking about HSP topics as a fellow HSP myself. Unfortunately many conflicts in my life I end up crying too much to solve the conflict and the other person does not take me seriously.
I will keep standing up for myself and others though, no matter how difficult and overwhelming the emotions get. Wishing all other HSP's the best !! And for any HSP's that deal with a lot of crying episodes, Letting you know you're not alone and should not have to feel guilty for expressing yourself in a natural/normal way. Also would love to see any episodes and advice for guilt free crying. 😅 the guilt and embarrassment for crying is a dark place to be stuck in.
Lots of great things here:
- assertiveness is a critical skill that everyone, but HSPs especially, needs to learn.
- HSPs especially need to practice and get good at "distress tolerance". Yours and other people's. Emma and Jonathan mentioned the possibility of doing another video on just that. That would be a good topic to cover.
- the John Gottman (sp?) book sounds like a great one to read. I myself REALLY need help being POSITIVE / actually effective in how I communicate my needs and wants with people. The example of saying things like "i would really feel abc (loved, supported, helped), if you did xyz" - figuring out and telling someone how they can be the hero in a given scenario is something I really need to write down, remember and practice.
I tend to attack, go for the jugular, guns blazing, full force, full fight mode, throwing everything and the kitchen sink at someone. - And this is with me even KNOWING this is the wrong thing / ineffective even relationship sabotaging thing to do, but i don't have better ways to do it / better tools.
I guess I don't feel like I'm cared about, or seen or heard, and so I'm trying ro force the other person to see and hear me.
But of course my angry, knee kerk, reactionary, primitive brain approach has just the opposite effect.
Hey Tina and Shhh, that is so me also. It is about boundaries. I am too caring to others, give too much, and then bandwidth is stretched too far, I get stressed and see others not caring/helping when I'm left to deal with too much, so I literally snap from being stretched too much. We need to step back and give less of ourselves. It's so hard and miserable sometimes, but only at the start, because it is about gaining self control, about gaining self respect and self appreciation. Then we won't have to lash out. I've learned CBT and Anger Management, and the deep breaths, walk away, say 'I can't talk about this right now, can we come back and discuss later when I have had a chance to give this more thought'....
Me three, know it’s wrong, can’t control, fire away, feel shame and self loathing, blame the other, lose trust in myself, withdraw, give up, wanna die. Never realized I am HSP, always thought I’m broken. Child home very fearful and emotional neglect. Always revert back to my childhood triggers. I have great empathy, can listen to others pain, but can’t get my needs met cause I’m not sure what I need or feel. When I use ‘I feel’ statements and nothing changes, I feel betrayed, abandoned. Miserable. The worst is that I am totally blocked from God/the Spirit, can’t feel them at all and feel abandoned. I’m a failure to Pres. Nelson’s warning, I’m doomed
Yes yes and yes to everything you guys said! Kind of relieved I'm not the only one. As I go in with an attack out of frustration and feeling spread too thin I can hear myself going in the back of my head "uh oh, the reaction is not gonna be good" but as if it would magically lead to a different outcome some day, I do it again. Must also learn to remind myself to try a gentler approach while also not getting spread so thin with stuff nobody asked me to do in the first place 😅😂
In your conversations about fight or flight and freeze, please include fawn. Highly sensitive people often fawn, dishonoring their own wants and needs to deescalate uncomfortable situations. I'm looking for more conversations regarding this.
I love what you're doing. Thank you so much for all your efforts.
I love this! I didn't know I was an HSP but my entire life. I thought something was wrong with me and blamed myself when people called me too sensitive or when I easily cried for feeling emotions especially sad ones. But this makes me relate so much. I am so happy to know that there are people like me out there! And we don't have to think of this as a disease but rather we can turn this weakness into a blessing. 💕💕💕
I really felt, for the first time, so validated by the way i think and feel. As an HSP I am so hard on myself and how I feel so deeply towards people, my feelings and analyzing interactions and replaying scenarios. These things can be so emotionally draining to say the least. I LOVED the humor and gentle explanations that were so relatable and even lighthearted. I will share this video with my “fixer” husband. It is explained so clearly and beautifully, Also what I am learning most these days as an HSP is to listen to when resentments start to take root, to mentally “pull over” and look at what is really going on and in a kind way, say what I need- use my voice and be heard. This video was a true gift. Thank you both.
I totally agree. In the video, the spoke about how normal it is to feel and think as I do, because of being an HSP. It also helped to hear Einstein himself was an HSP. HSP is in no way a reflection of intelligence. Emotional intelligence is completely different from IQ.
As an HSP I can totally relate to this! I hate having to interrupt anyone, especially a group setting where you’re drawing attention to yourself. Looking forward to more content on HSPs!
My name is Emma, so when Emma said "Hey Emma, you are failing at EVERYTHING!" My stomach plummeted for a moment before my brain caught up😅🤦🏻♀️
I hope there will be a part 2 to this video. As an HSP woman in my 40s, I am learning that I am whole and not broken. My childhood was about- Oh you are too sensitive. Why do you worry so much? Why do you cry? Why do you care so much ?
As an adult, learning that I am a highly sensitive person, I can look back on all the times I got really hurt by feedback at work and people around me dismissed my feelings. The setting of boundaries in my own business is something I continue working on.
The fork story 😅100% too!
Thank you for providing excellent tips in this video. I am a healer, learning how to heal myself and these tips were eye opening ❤.
I hope you will have a continuation video and plan to watch this one again so I can take notes. Huge appreciation for you both.
This was so helpful! Need more HSP videos. Parenting as an HSP, dating as an HSP, job hunting as an HSP...
HSP here. It was somewhat validating when I learned about being a HSP. This was a timely video for me. Thank you.
Thank you for this video! I am an HSP and can relate in so many ways, including not wanting to ask for a fork!! I feel so 'seen'!
I would love to hear more about how to deal with other's negative emotions and how to not 'take on' other's emotions as my own regarding a situation. How can we support without feeling like it's our fault or responsibility?
Thanks again!
Darüber würde ich auch gerne mehr erfahren!
I have had the hardest relationship with my boss due to this. He’s all about conflict and likes to “spare”, I struggle and feel like I’m being bulldozed.
I've only watched the first several minutes; I am a highly sensitive person, but I do not have the tendency to avoid confrontation of any type. (I would have asked where the forks are right away - but politely and patiently). Yes. I have tended to be afraid of rejection, especially if I don't use the "correct" tone; however, I want things to be out in the open without ongoing "hidden" or "unspoken" problem solving. I do fear that I'm reading too much into it, but am learning to trust myself. I think it is fair to say that not all HSP's are alike in every area - just like not all persons with addictions or ADHD or diabetes or perfectionists are exactly the same. That's what makes us unique!
I’m a fixer. My husband is more of a HSP. The idea of changing what I’m trying to fix is just sooo helpful for me. Also, love the colab! Two of my favorite therapists in one vid is great!
✨JONO!✨
Really appreciate the cross-pollination!
Been subscribed to Cinema Therapy about as long as I’ve been here, & I’m also sub’d to Mended Light.
So happy to see UA-cam Clinicians working together.💖
Thank you for supporting all of our channels! Emma made me feel right at home.
0:00: 🎥 Jonathan Decker from Cinema Therapy and Mended Light discusses conflict resolution and management for highly sensitive people.
2:54: 🎯 The video discusses the challenges faced by highly sensitive physicists in a capitalist society.
5:08: 🍴 The speaker shares a personal story about a book club meeting where there were no forks for the salad.
7:57: 😮 Highly sensitive people feel emotions intensely and value the comfort of others while strongly opposing causing discomfort or inconvenience.
10:16: 😡 Highly sensitive people (HSPs) often struggle with anger and passive aggressiveness in relationships.
12:39: 🗣 Being direct and honest with others is important for maintaining healthy relationships and avoiding resentment and bitterness.
15:11: 🗣 Highly sensitive people (HSPs) often just want to be heard and validated rather than seeking advice or solutions.
17:51: 🤔 The video discusses how highly sensitive people (HSPs) manage discomfort and receive feedback in relationships.
20:16: 🗣 Effective communication strategies in relationships can help prevent emotional shutdowns during intense conversations.
Recap by Tammy AI
I listened to this today while traveling. I will listen again because there is so much good stuff in it. Mostly that it is validating.
I'm fortunate that I was born into a family of HSPs but I, undoubtedly, am the most volatile.
My parents realized early on that they didn't need to 'punish' me because I was always harder on myself than they ever would have been. A simple dirty look was enough to send me over the edge. (It still is😉) Of course, I noticed that I was treated a little differently and thought they didn't love me.🤦
And Emma, if I had seen your fork predicament, I would have joined in.... I should help because you'reuncomfortable. Should I interrupt for you? But it's rude to interrupt. Should I get into the drawers and look for you? Should I give you my fork?? I'm so stressed out. What should I do to help?? Omgoodness.Why did I even leave my house and come to this book club?? 😆
"We love HSPs until we don't" BRILLIANT COMMENT! 👍🏼
Loving this collab. Emma, you might like a cool compliment. I used Bing's search AI. I asked it how to stop a shame spiral. It gave a great explanation and content, and it linked three videos. One was Dr. John Gottman, one was Brene Brown, and the other was yours. You are in great company. Congratulations. I refer clients to your videos on a frequent basis, and then many come back and tell me that they went down the rabbit hole and watched way more videos than just the one I recommended. Thank you for being such a great therapist!
I am HSP... I rejected an insurance who came out of blue to me. I said no to him. It happened yesterday. Still now I am overwhelmed and stressed about that ... Creating scenarios in my mind of what more should I say..
He don't know me, just want commission, financially he is well off. I am in a debt situation, he was unwilling to hear me . Just want the deal done. I am glad I said no to him.
But I am still in fight mode with. Adrenal is not going off
As an hsp managing others discomfort is so hard! 1. It feels so intense 2. You naturally want to make it better... ive had to really and still work on this... i can empathize but not my responsibility the given person accountable/responsible for their feelings.. my mantra. Practicing active listening, validating helps to not try and jump in there beyond that... those are my thoughts.... but also its hard depending on what it is or how big the others emotions were...finding a way to release emotions like tears of futility after hearing or witnessing hard emotions, journaling, getting the emotions out in some way and recognizing its not my emotions
More videos for HSPs please! This was so incredibly helpful. Came at just the right time. Thank you!
YES!!! My daughter's therapist gave me Elaine Aron's book about 15 years ago, because she thought she was HSP and as I read the book, I did see some of those traits in her, but I 100% identified with it and felt validated and recognized, at least that someone found value in sensitivity instead of everyone saying I was TOO sensitive, like it was a flaw. Your very first example hit the nail on the head for me...this is me to a T... even though it wasn't conflict. I have wrestled with this my whole life, and I have had low self-esteem issues too...still to a small degree, but in therapy and working on ALL of my trauma. IT's super hard when you are in conflict with someone, especially someone you live with and everything they do irritates you, but you can't speak up, so avoid them as much as possible. It makes me feel like a terrible person, but I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. The worst part now is that I don't feel at peace in my home. It hurts my heart and soul. In this instance, my telling her the truth, would hurt the household financially, so I need to come up with a different solution. I'll speak to my therapist about it.
Dr. McAdam, this is my new favorite episode of yours. ☺️💖🌞
Finally ! The one topic I love the most to learn 🎉
Please Emma, bring more information about being a HSP or deal with one.
Thank you both for sharing all this knowledge about it ❤
Although both of you have such a great sense of humor I literally cried a few times through this video.. I have felt these things so many times but never quite had the words to explain them.. Thank you for making me feel accepted and understood 🙏 ❤
I do not avoid conflict but I am still very sensitive. I find others often try to sweep things under the rug or be in total control/manipulate/lie, when I want to work together for a win-win situation.
This video is so relatable to me on many levels because not only am I an HSP, but I also have have multiple disabilities (ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety, and had a right frontal lobe brain injury before birth) that actively cause my struggles with emotional regulation and feeling intense emotions more than my family members do.
My parents initially really had zero idea that I was a highly sensitive person even when I was a kid. And they would scold me for having such intense reactions to things for expressing such intense emotions. There are days when I wish I could go back in time and tell them that they are actually dealing with an HSP child and that scolding them for having such intense emotional responses will ultimately lead to more problems in the future.
As a therapist this is a better crossover than the Avengers.
Incredibly helpful. Wish I had this understanding of myself when I was young - what a difference it would have made to my views on the people in my life and most importantly, myself. I regret taking so long to get my 'college education' on self; I do give myself grace.
So, right there with you on any kind of conflict (in my mind)! I'm better than I was about it. I know I have to have hard conversations sometimes. But when one is going to happen. I'll rehearse it in my head for at least a few days. Sadly, some people take my carefully-rehearsed, least-offensive way to have the conversation and react in the worst way, making it even harder to have any conversation with those people.
How do I manage other people's discomfort?
I have a high kick of compassion for the person and would almost automatically find ways to create a safe environment to talk to, I acknowledge that I too have felt discomfort and talk about a personal experience and how I overcame it. That creates a connection and enables them to open up about what has them in discomfort... and listen to them in order to understand them, i tend to repeat back what i understood to double check ... and the rest just flows naturally because both sides are familiar with discomfort and how to overcome it, with its benefits! Ah, and we celebrate the fact of having had talked about it! 😊🥳
Thanks for the video! I like how you started out talking about HSPs in a way I haven't heard before. It was validating for me as an HSP who prefers a quiet life and often feels guilty for not doing more. The world, or our culture, tells me to measure my worth on how much I accomplish, my job title and what others think of me. My natural desire is to quietly care for the people around me and enjoy the beauty around me while adding what I can to it. As a stay at home mom HSP, just doing that can feel really overwhelming though also personally fulfilling, but the world tells me that is not enough. Also, I totally relate to the fork story! Thanks for letting us know we're not the only ones! And giving us tools to improve our lives and our relationships!
Amazing. I'm a HSP. and my grandfather was hell bent on doing the exact opposite of all these points when I grew up.
This was great advice! I replayed certain sections several times (and took notes!!). It really spoke to a situation I'm currently navigating as an HSP.
Yes! Please, please do a video on how HSPs can tolerate other people's discomfort!
I love your book club story! I totally didn't notice what you were doing, haha. I hope you stay in our book club after you move.
I learnt a good trick for when someone elses feelings are affecting you - pay attention to your own breath and heart rate, your own inner sensations of OKness, and notice how they are separate to those of the other person. i.e. your nervous system will sense the other persons automatically, but are also able to be contain our response with mindful attention. I think it was Babette Rothschild who spoke about it - learning how to detect ANS states with more precision. I find it helps when friends bring up tricky topics from their own life.
Also, it really helps to active listen. “So you had a really hard day. So your roommate was being really cold to you today.”
Being heard is so wonderful.
That really helps me.
I’m an hsp and i absolutely loved and felt seen by this video.
How reassuring to know that I'm not alone, that being an HSP is not a bad thing, and that I can learn more skills to handle my emotions better. Also, your explanations of the "whys" are incredibly helpful! Thank you for your channel and for having an HSP who can relate. Blessings
Two of my favorite therapist UA-camrs in one video. This is great already and I haven’t even started watching the video yet!
Thanks for this, I felt identified 100% with the reactions you described and managing conflict or even the possibility of uncomfortable conversations is hard. Please keep doing more on this topic :)
I didn’t know that i was an HSP until i watched this video and you perfectly described me. And I’ve been in therapy for over a decade.
HSP - thank you for these videos.... Yes how to acceot others emotions without feeling like having to bend someone else's needs.
AVOID those people who think that criticizing everything you do is valid. Just say ‘thank you’ to everything, make them happy and get the hell outta there asap
You both are my favourite people on UA-cam 🥰
For me... being highly sensitive meant that I cried and/or hid when someone was mad and/or mildly annoyed(?) at me. For example, I remember one time when about 5 of us in the 1st grade got in trouble for something. For talking maybe? We had to go outside and hold our arms up outside the windows. When we were called back in we had to go up to our teacher one at a time , where she asked if we had something to say. The others said they were sorry. But I was feeling misunderstood , and beside myself and crying, so I launched into my story hoping for forgiveness I guess. 😅 To this day anything that smacks of conflict to me causes all kinds of anxiety!
In response to the nature vs. nurture question. My brother, about a year younger than I am, would do things that distressed me. We would play together most of the time, and I learned very early that our natures were very different!
Omg I’m going to watch this video multiple times SO good! ❤
As for how I deal with conflict and other people’s emotions? I’m still working on that. I think I absorb the emotions of others and I don’t even realize it half the time, then I’ll wonder later why I was in that mood (story time)
So in my old high school there was someone who was bipolar and who got upset and cried a lot. After like half the year, I swear I just absorbed her entire personality and became depressed, and this was before I knew anything about HSP so I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Thank goodness I know now, cuz now I can examine a reaction I had to something now and know why, instead of wondering why I’m like this. I am so grateful for Elaine Aron’s HSP book. Literally the most relatable book I’ve ever read.
A MILLION HEARTS FOR THIS VIDEO!!! THANK YOU!!!💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Just in case you need a little extra validation, I found this video to be fun, informative, thought provoking and extremely helpful in articulating how I feel/behave in many situations. It provided practical, tangible strategies (as always) on how to approach conflict, and a gentle kick up the backside (as always) to try and be a little better, a little more vulnerable, and a little more courageous and kind. Also, this conversational style video feels easier to digest than the presentation style ones which can be a little overwhelming (in a good way) for me at least, and I frequently pause to make notes and take in what is being said. A fun change of pace, and perhaps because it's a less heavy topic than some videos? Thanks very much for all you do!
This conversation was so natural and overwhelming. Have we ever talked about HSP on this channel before? I most certainly would love to hear more of you about that, Emma. The fork story was so recognizable! Thank you for sharing it surrounded with joy and laughter. Good thinking to eat the salad with the pita. Hopefully you will be more relaxed in the future with your bookclub. Building friendships takes time. And well worth the effort and short term discomfort. Coming back after having listened 5 times i would love Emma to do the topics addressed in the usual format. Clean, calm, logical. There is just too much going on. It's beautiful to see vulnerability in a person and it's uncomfortable at the same time. What i love in this channel is that all issues are unwrapped, like the skins of an onion, and put into subsequent steps that, put together, helps the audience to build a certain SKILL.
So excited to see Jonathan on this channel!
OH MY GOD!!! Thank you, thank you! So glade this collaboration happened!!!!
I absolutley love this. I always knew I was sensitive but gosh this describes me in a nutshell. I seem to struggle with handling my regulation if there are multiple things going on at once or too much chaos or if I think there will be danger in some way even if it's not towards me such as when working with kids. I handle conflict better if the person stays calm and gentle towards me and sits down with me but I've had other bosses who were very in my face and I just would freeze and was constantly wondering what I was doing wrong.
Love this collab! Already watched the one over on cinema therapy. Very cool. Hsp here and I love your transparency about the fork! I have been audibly reminding myself of when other’s emotions/problems are not my responsibility. So cool to see that the world doesn’t implode if I let someone else process their emotions without my “help”. Releasing control/responsibility that wasn’t mine to carry is so freeing!
I don’t know I have ADHD/ RSD and I’m definitely a deep thinker and sensitive person (and was always teased or put down about that) but also a fixer 🤷🏻♀️ thoughI’ve been working on the later because my therapist explained that by fixing other peoples problems you take away their autonomy and ability to grow and I definitely don’t want to do that).
Anyway, I digress. Lately my thing is allowing myself to not like someone or a situation. I always used to force myself to see the good in someone or a circumstance and while that is good I’m also allowed to have preferences or admit it’s not ideal. However I think I used to externalize my feelings about these things so when I didn’t like someone I would get anxious that they didn’t like me or if I was upset I would worry that they were upset.
I don’t know if this is relevant but you asked about being upset that other people were upset (which I definitely am as an over functioned) and that’s what came up for me.
Thank you, its so amazing to recognize that I'm a regular person as any pther hsp. Cause being ashamed of having my deep feelings was difficult to endure year by year. Amd now I see that I'm not alone and BEING ME IS OK!❤🎉🥰🔥
There's so much more to being a highly sensitive person than just emotional. Sensitivity to environmental, chemicals, toxic, foods etc. They all go together
I know medicine isn't a end all be all. But one particular medication that had a tremendous effect on me regarding adrenaline and the negative effects of it, literal physical anxiety that can be medically observed that manifested with the emotionality of anxiety.
My heart beats per minute and blood pressure was through the roof! In a way consistent with anxiety. My doctor prescribed me a beta blocker for both the elevated heart beat and blood pressure AND anxiety!! And it's amazing!!
So many wide variety of mental health designations with intersectionality of symptoms. CPTSD/PTSD, Bipolar, Borderline, ASD, Highly Sensitive People. Anybody who struggles with interacting with your environment and how your environments stimuli provides a catalyst for a basis of a negative nervous system response (fight, flight, freeze) rather it be sensory input information differentials or social triggers, when you're taking something like a beta blocker that restricts heightened physiological manifestations of anxiety, it's a game changer.
The incredible validation that you just gave out by saying that sometimes it's OK to acknowledge that a person is not safe for us to be vulnerable with (and we're allowed to keep them at an arm's length! 😂) ......... that's huge!
I had so many instances where people would kind of demand I open up or rely more on them. But I'm ... you know.... AD(H)D HSP Empath with high intelligence (note: this is not "bragging", this is a "daily challenges" list) and a host full of trauma that I'm consistently working through. 😅 I'm actually great at knowing when others are or are not equipped with enough resources (of whichever necessary type) to be able to manage/afford the support they offer and the depth of disclosure they ask for.
And for a long while I've been wondering if that's be being scared and projecting on them etc. But then I'd never withhold truth that I felt was necessary for them even at the risk of them walking away for good (accountability & growth related stuff). I hated the process and was fscared to lose them each time (lost them often indeed) but still did it cause it was important to do (some I've met again who gave that feedback).
Then I rather recently started to meet more people where I got the "oh you can actually entrust that to them, or ask for this help. They're sufficiently good nough at boundaries and self-care to kindly turn you down if it's too much, too!". And turns out it really wasn't me. It sucks to know that people care for you but you can't give them more than a bit vulnerability of yours cause they'll freak out, overdo things, get overwhelmed, say they're ready to hear your take on a difficult topic but you can just feel that no, they're not ready just yet ........ I do not like to have to navigate this stuff THAT often, as too many ppl around me
a) struggle to connect with themselves and asses their "resource stock"
b) they don't take my heighened ability to sense & asses such stuff seriously. I tell them sth. is a bad idea, they demand I try them, I humor them after they bug me for a while. They the outcome is as I've warned them 😭. And now they get angry at me for .... seeing them in a higher resolution than they themselves, basically. 😣
There's no winning this. We don't teach people enough yet, that we own 50% to each interaction (unless it's abuse, then we own 0%). We don't teach enought, that demanding truth, openness, vulnerabliity or even the "permission to help", requires for us to have the actual cappacity to accomodate these things. And sometimes we need to accept that we're not there, no matter how much we care for each other and wanna help/be helped or be trusted/ trust.
It is the long term reward. I have gone through many break ups with some people I really love. I realize that what I was doing was a “short fix” and I will lose them for good if I keep doing so. So I link it to the same track of values that I have but even deeper-true care that lasts (if this relationship is a healthy one from the start).
Thank you both, i relate to this so much as an hsp.
I would never have asked for the fork 😁
Yet i am a manager of 10 staff and it is so hard for me to have those tough conversations with staff.
Also even as a mature adult i find group situations difficult and am sensitive to anything that i might think of as negative as i am very alert to this. This is exacerbated by the fact that i was badly bullied when younger and its unbelievable how this can still make me feel uncomfortable even as an adult.
Thank you for this 😊
"If you remembered to do this thing for me, I would feel so loved and appreciated." Oooooh! That phrasing changes everything! Mindblown! ❤
Incredible Emma brought in Mr Incredible!
It was so great having Jonathan on this video! Yes, just re-direct what you will fix: not what they are talking about, but how the are feeling.
Love Emma's term: "being flooded" for being emotionally overwhelmed.😊 Thank you for an insightful video!
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What a comfort to know you are not alone, or damaged when you hear others acting the same way you have done. Thank you for that. Just wish there was a good way to make others understand you.
My favorite Mormon therapists! And two of my favorite therapists in general! 👍❤️🔥
Decker is highly sensitive? Who knew?
-a fellow HSP here, now I know why i like your content lol
Love this Collab 😭
Tolerate other people discomfort - that is big, thai is HUGE!! Took my whole life to learn it and still, sometimes, you know
I feel both seen, and attacked. 😂😂
I love your channel. Thank you!!!
I recently found your channel Emma. Your insights are so strait forward, skillful, and kind …. then today I really loved listening to your you tube conversation on HSP with Mending Light creator.
So cool too when I read thru your description of the segment today. I smiled when noticing your disclaimer that your worldview is Christian…. BINGO! Yea!!!
That realization about your help is exciting to me and I’m so thankful you included that! I’m not surprised because of “something” in your spirit as you teach. Blessings to you as you help us with your skill and gifts!! 👏👏
TWO OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE! 🥰
I still struggle with other situations, but I've worked very hard tk get to a place with my father where there's more physical and emotional distance. When I say that, I mainly mean an effort to sever and avoid reestablishing enmeshment. A lot of this has been me rediscovering myself, who I am, how I'm different from my family, and accepting that while also working to do exactly what one if you described: empathizing without giving in or giving up, without acquiescing to another person's beliefs/needs/desires/moods. Granted this has taken me being on medication, seeing 2 therapists, and going to group therapy for several months (therapy bootcamp as one of my treatment team put it). I voluntarily chose this for myself and it's... so very me, lol.
Point being, I'm learning how to interact with my emotions without over-identifying with them. I'm learning to say things like a broken record sometimes when I have a boundary that isn't being acknowledged. Empathizing by recognizing another person's experience without foregoing my own. "I can understand that you would feel/think/believe x/y/z, and this is my experience and this is a boundary I'm setting. If you continue to disregard that boundary, I will remove your access to me." Over and over again, "I understand that, and this is a boundary." They keep pushing and I say "This is a boundary. It seems like you really want me to let you cross it and I'm not willing to allow that. So what should we do?"
This has involved (still involves) working through so much childhood trauma, weeks and weeks of group DBT therapy with different modules covering different topics and skillsets, mindfulness, emotional regulation, interpersonal conflict resolution, etc etc. I've pretty much made it my job, as I'm 26 and unemployed. Cause i know I need this if i want change to last.
I think the hardest part of it still is struggling with self-doubt. Believing in myself, having faith that I can handle what life throws at me. As an HSP and someone with ADHD, I've internalized this belief that I am not made to survive let alone live in this world. Often, I still wonder why I keep trying. But no one is actually made to survive any of this. We adabt, use our innate abilities, develop skills. We use what we have to work with. And, the system we live in, in many ways, we create it, we perpetuate or change it. We may not have a lot of control or power over much of anything, and we can still keep going and change ourselves, our perspectives, our attitudes, our beliefs, however slowly. We can change our lives, if nothing else. We have little to no control over most outcomes, over most circumstances. And we can keep getting back up for however long we can keep getting back up.
It's hard. People talk about life getting better, and it does. I don't think it gets easier though, necessarily. We can get better at doing hard things. Hard things don't get easier. Life doesn't get easier. And we can get better at living it.
Thank you so much for this episode. ❤
Thank you for this video!!!!
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Thank you for this. I'm learning a lot about myself as an HSP too