I’ve never felt so seen. I’ve been in a relationship with a securely attached and amazing partner for the last 6 years but always felt guilty wanting more and fantasizing about more passion with someone else. This makes me feel like there’s hope if I start working on myself because I truly want to be with this amazing partner I have without always craving that addicting high
I literally cannot believe how MUCH I relate to everything you're saying. Your videos are helping me stay in a good relationship and not run away just because i feel overwhelmed or anxious or scared.
Excellent episode ! I’m always thriving on high and intenses moments and periods /cycles of my life, then got exhausted because of too much, too long of intensity , now craving for sleep and time to relax, just to get bored after 2 days and my mind to start again chasing the next project … You talked to me a lot !
How is this not common knowledge?? This would have been so helpful to know earlier on. In my teens I went to so many therapists and had a physically & emotionally abusive parent who was severely bi polar so they were either the nicest and best parent or the most abusive and violent. Not a single therapist told me I was a fearful avoidant! Instead they put me on a ton of prescription pills and told me I was mentally ill but didn’t help me process my trauma at all. I left a healthy relationship for a super passionate one which turned into me getting physically and verbally abused again because it felt like home. Healthy felt uneasy and not like real love bc there wasn’t enough passion. Chaotic and intense back and forth felt at home bc that’s how I grew up.... I hope this knowledge spreads so other women don’t get into abusive relationships just bc that’s how they grew up.
Wow can I relate. Luckily realized this about myself while still in my healthy relationship...can't believe how much more triggering it feels to have someone love me so completely.
I 100% get what you are saying. I had a therapist say this years ago too. Childhood trauma and that roller coaster is a factor. Thank you for what you do. I have someone in my life who is being so patient and I’m so struggling.
Your description of the need for intensity makes so much sense. I don't think my situation is too similar, though. I was an intensely sensitive creature, but my natural expression was actively resisted, my attempts at connection disrupted and dismissed, and my sense of "passion" was forced into hiding. My craving is more of a return to that. Perhaps I'm underestimating the chaos, unpredictability, and contempt as factors, though. I certainly did not feel loved.
Thank you, we’ve been communicating much better despite everyone trying to come between us the latest few weeks. That took my roller coaster emotions and stabilized it. Just like you said, that sense of security helped me realize I was really crushing on him. As a result, I have also been less emotional lately ❤🦈🦈
Very valuable. Thank you for sharing! I think I've evolved to the point where I'm somewhat ok with not having much of an emotional rollercoaster in my romantic relationship, but I so very much crave emotional intensity in everything else I do. I'm starting to see that it's not sustainable and is rapidly driving me down towards total destruction, but I just can't imagine, can't envision any other way, how could it be different? Anything, any pleasure, any pain feels so much better than blandness. I don't even know if I can even develop a taste for bland, little, non-addictive joys. Can someone who has known those highs be ever truly, fully content with feeling so little? With feeling so neutral.. with feeling so.. nothing. I literally just googled whether recovered drug addicts miss the highs from when they were still using. And every answer on Quora says they still miss those highs, those times dearly. To be fair, they may or may not be recovered (from the trauma that likely drove them to use in the first place), maybe it's abstinence rather than true sobriety. (But sobriety does sound really awfully, horribly boring.) And I suppose I also don't miss the highs from my earlier, more rollercoaster-like relationships. I really don't. Somehow I have a hard time wrapping my head around these two seemingly contradictory statements..
Omfg where were you 4 years ago?! I needed your channel so badly during my last relationship. Even if no one else watches your videos please know that you have changed my life for the better 🙏💗
It was good to hear. Not an FA myself. Just wanted to add that including a lot of stretches in my daily exercises has helped quite a bit too. That's worth a try.
That's a good add! Stretches can definitely help release some of the trauma that's stored! Maybe I could make a video on physical, very concrete things you can do to help with this attachment style!
I absolutely love your channel 💗 would love to see a video of what a day in your life was like when you were healing. How often did you do tapping, etc. much love 💕
How do you know if you really love your husband and didn’t just gaslight your self to staying. And we’re you a fearful avoidant with other boyfriends or just him. Pls I would like to know cause I have these problems.
Hi! I’m a really big fan of your videos. I’m dating my best friend. We’re coming up on a year and the honeymoon phase is ending. I want to continue the relationship but can’t really figure out how to spark anything. How do you suggest building that “deep intimacy” you speak of?
But how am I supposed to he with someone I'm not attracted to? Being with them is already hard, but kissing them and sleeping with them? Am I just supposed to force myself?
you talk about the high and lows. can you give an example of it? I noticed a pattern in my relationship that i do and it almost feels like i need to do it or an urge and then it turns out negatively which i feel very rejected even if it wasn’t that bad. I experience this every time i hang out with my bf and it always happens when things are going good. It almost feels like i ruin how good things are going in the moment.
Idk if you still are in this relationship or not but, people experience it differently. In my FA world, if it's quiet, I start to read him- everything and I don't know what to do and I become so uncomfortable and self conscious.. I need and crave in those moments, the closeness and passion that we've come down off of, to wear i nit pick him and how he doesn't do what's right etc...and I'll create an issue, to get closeness bc I have a need that I can't determine or voice what it is, usually it turns into an argument so I can push him away and be mad and maintain my control in my emotional world even if it's misery and heartache bc we are fighting. Then we make up and I get the passion and it's back again to the hated calmness... im trying now to take less time in my misery and shorten the arguments and realize what I'm doing and call it for what it is so hopefully I'll be able to stop altogether but so hard to break
But what did u do to fix that need for intense emotions? My partner constantly tells me I’m not romantic enough, not passionate. But I am the one who arranges sweet romantic nights and I know how to make things beautiful… and believe me I’m very passionate 😅
God how painful is it to realise that one can't recognise the normal healthy relationship or get triggered by it just bc he is used to unhealthy one his whole life
I don’t get this. How do you see someone as more than just a friend if there’s no passion and attraction? It seems like a precursor to me. Without it if I liked someone I’d be more than happy to see them once a month for a friendly coffee, but I wouldn’t want to jump their bones.
I will have guided tapping video's in my course that's coming out in a few months! You can put yourself on the waitlist through the link in the description. It definitely helps to tap along!
Hi! I actually made a video on this topic today, because I saw your comment! I think it will be out in three weeks, so I'll give you the summary: yes it is totally normally for an FA to feel this in a healthy, secure relationship AND as you heal you will notice it becomes less and less to the point where you don't feel the aversion or repulsion anymore at all. Also: in any normal relationship, even with securely attached individuals, it is completely normal to not feel attraction from time to time!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much for your response, always, I appreciate you so deeply🙏 I cannot wait to see that video!! I understand that we can feel aversion when we are in fearful-avoidant attachment.. is it normal to feel that "turned off" feeling from your partner's body when in true, secure attachment? Or is this a sign you're with the wrong person? Thanks again for everything... so much gratitude!!
Really, all these videos would have been sooooo much better and helpful many many many years ago 😢 37 years feeling so damn an outsider full of chaos inside, wasting so much in the process
I’ve never felt so seen. I’ve been in a relationship with a securely attached and amazing partner for the last 6 years but always felt guilty wanting more and fantasizing about more passion with someone else. This makes me feel like there’s hope if I start working on myself because I truly want to be with this amazing partner I have without always craving that addicting high
I literally cannot believe how MUCH I relate to everything you're saying. Your videos are helping me stay in a good relationship and not run away just because i feel overwhelmed or anxious or scared.
Excellent episode ! I’m always thriving on high and intenses moments and periods /cycles of my life, then got exhausted because of too much, too long of intensity , now craving for sleep and time to relax, just to get bored after 2 days and my mind to start again chasing the next project …
You talked to me a lot !
had to pause the video at 10:30 and just stare at my screen like O_O
you dropping well needed truth bombs. thank you
How is this not common knowledge?? This would have been so helpful to know earlier on. In my teens I went to so many therapists and had a physically & emotionally abusive parent who was severely bi polar so they were either the nicest and best parent or the most abusive and violent. Not a single therapist told me I was a fearful avoidant! Instead they put me on a ton of prescription pills and told me I was mentally ill but didn’t help me process my trauma at all. I left a healthy relationship for a super passionate one which turned into me getting physically and verbally abused again because it felt like home. Healthy felt uneasy and not like real love bc there wasn’t enough passion. Chaotic and intense back and forth felt at home bc that’s how I grew up.... I hope this knowledge spreads so other women don’t get into abusive relationships just bc that’s how they grew up.
Wow can I relate. Luckily realized this about myself while still in my healthy relationship...can't believe how much more triggering it feels to have someone love me so completely.
I 100% get what you are saying. I had a therapist say this years ago too. Childhood trauma and that roller coaster is a factor. Thank you for what you do. I have someone in my life who is being so patient and I’m so struggling.
We are all drawn to the familiar of our parents even if it’s unhealthy it all trauma
Absolutely, it feels safe to our nervous system in a way, because we think we know what we can expect!
Your description of the need for intensity makes so much sense. I don't think my situation is too similar, though. I was an intensely sensitive creature, but my natural expression was actively resisted, my attempts at connection disrupted and dismissed, and my sense of "passion" was forced into hiding. My craving is more of a return to that. Perhaps I'm underestimating the chaos, unpredictability, and contempt as factors, though. I certainly did not feel loved.
This is such a good point! It can definitely be a longing for the expression of you, fully. Love this, thanks for adding it.
This video is pure gold. It has helped me piece things together and start making better choices for the future - thank you so much!
I’ve been single so long but somehow it’s hard to forget that longing I felt within the thick of it
Thank you for this channel, you are helping heal and grow from my conditioned self.
Thank you, we’ve been communicating much better despite everyone trying to come between us the latest few weeks. That took my roller coaster emotions and stabilized it. Just like you said, that sense of security helped me realize I was really crushing on him. As a result, I have also been less emotional lately ❤🦈🦈
ua-cam.com/users/shorts4PCYVwgIMLE?si=UKFeKzuSC_Luk7ne
Wow that's amazing! So happy to hear. Thank you for being here❤
Super video thank you! I hope you know how much you are helping
Thank you for this eye opening video
Very valuable. Thank you for sharing! I think I've evolved to the point where I'm somewhat ok with not having much of an emotional rollercoaster in my romantic relationship, but I so very much crave emotional intensity in everything else I do. I'm starting to see that it's not sustainable and is rapidly driving me down towards total destruction, but I just can't imagine, can't envision any other way, how could it be different? Anything, any pleasure, any pain feels so much better than blandness. I don't even know if I can even develop a taste for bland, little, non-addictive joys. Can someone who has known those highs be ever truly, fully content with feeling so little? With feeling so neutral.. with feeling so.. nothing.
I literally just googled whether recovered drug addicts miss the highs from when they were still using. And every answer on Quora says they still miss those highs, those times dearly.
To be fair, they may or may not be recovered (from the trauma that likely drove them to use in the first place), maybe it's abstinence rather than true sobriety. (But sobriety does sound really awfully, horribly boring.)
And I suppose I also don't miss the highs from my earlier, more rollercoaster-like relationships. I really don't.
Somehow I have a hard time wrapping my head around these two seemingly contradictory statements..
Omfg where were you 4 years ago?! I needed your channel so badly during my last relationship. Even if no one else watches your videos please know that you have changed my life for the better 🙏💗
Ahh I'm so happy you are here!
It was good to hear. Not an FA myself. Just wanted to add that including a lot of stretches in my daily exercises has helped quite a bit too. That's worth a try.
That's a good add! Stretches can definitely help release some of the trauma that's stored! Maybe I could make a video on physical, very concrete things you can do to help with this attachment style!
This very much resonated with me!!
I absolutely love your channel 💗 would love to see a video of what a day in your life was like when you were healing. How often did you do tapping, etc. much love 💕
This one is on the list, so keep an eye out! :)
This is very clear , I understand it now! 😊
Fridays are my new favorite day!!😊 Thank you so much for sharing your incredible, wise, beautiful self Paulien, you are such a blessing!!🙏❤
Ahh Nicole this makes me tear up, thank you so much for taking the time to share these super kind words. I'm so happy you are here, always!
How do you know if you really love your husband and didn’t just gaslight your self to staying. And we’re you a fearful avoidant with other boyfriends or just him. Pls I would like to know cause I have these problems.
Thank you for these videos you truly are helping heal
I'm so happy you found them! Thank you for being here
Damnit.
Could you do some tapping videos for fearful avoidant style? It would help so many people ❤
Hey Rebecca, I already have a video on this. You can find it here: ua-cam.com/video/1FSN7Jgxq7E/v-deo.html
This makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing! Have you launched your course yet? I would love to join. Thanks you
Not yet! Put yourself on the waitlist to be the first to hear!
Could this problem lead to an on/off relationship?
Hi! I’m a really big fan of your videos.
I’m dating my best friend. We’re coming up on a year and the honeymoon phase is ending. I want to continue the relationship but can’t really figure out how to spark anything. How do you suggest building that “deep intimacy” you speak of?
But how am I supposed to he with someone I'm not attracted to? Being with them is already hard, but kissing them and sleeping with them?
Am I just supposed to force myself?
you talk about the high and lows. can you give an example of it? I noticed a pattern in my relationship that i do and it almost feels like i need to do it or an urge and then it turns out negatively which i feel very rejected even if it wasn’t that bad. I experience this every time i hang out with my bf and it always happens when things are going good. It almost feels like i ruin how good things are going in the moment.
Idk if you still are in this relationship or not but, people experience it differently. In my FA world, if it's quiet, I start to read him- everything and I don't know what to do and I become so uncomfortable and self conscious.. I need and crave in those moments, the closeness and passion that we've come down off of, to wear i nit pick him and how he doesn't do what's right etc...and I'll create an issue, to get closeness bc I have a need that I can't determine or voice what it is, usually it turns into an argument so I can push him away and be mad and maintain my control in my emotional world even if it's misery and heartache bc we are fighting. Then we make up and I get the passion and it's back again to the hated calmness... im trying now to take less time in my misery and shorten the arguments and realize what I'm doing and call it for what it is so hopefully I'll be able to stop altogether but so hard to break
But what did u do to fix that need for intense emotions? My partner constantly tells me I’m not romantic enough, not passionate. But I am the one who arranges sweet romantic nights and I know how to make things beautiful… and believe me I’m very passionate 😅
God how painful is it to realise that one can't recognise the normal healthy relationship or get triggered by it just bc he is used to unhealthy one his whole life
I don’t get this. How do you see someone as more than just a friend if there’s no passion and attraction? It seems like a precursor to me. Without it if I liked someone I’d be more than happy to see them once a month for a friendly coffee, but I wouldn’t want to jump their bones.
Thank you again for these videos. Is there a way for me to get more guided tapping? It helps to have someone talking me through it.
I will have guided tapping video's in my course that's coming out in a few months! You can put yourself on the waitlist through the link in the description. It definitely helps to tap along!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 oh great. Thank you
Is it normal, in a healthy, secure relationship, to sometimes feel aversion or unattracted towards your partner's body during intimacy?
Hi! I actually made a video on this topic today, because I saw your comment! I think it will be out in three weeks, so I'll give you the summary: yes it is totally normally for an FA to feel this in a healthy, secure relationship AND as you heal you will notice it becomes less and less to the point where you don't feel the aversion or repulsion anymore at all. Also: in any normal relationship, even with securely attached individuals, it is completely normal to not feel attraction from time to time!
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you so much for your response, always, I appreciate you so deeply🙏
I cannot wait to see that video!!
I understand that we can feel aversion when we are in fearful-avoidant attachment.. is it normal to feel that "turned off" feeling from your partner's body when in true, secure attachment? Or is this a sign you're with the wrong person?
Thanks again for everything... so much gratitude!!
Really, all these videos would have been sooooo much better and helpful many many many years ago 😢 37 years feeling so damn an outsider full of chaos inside, wasting so much in the process
Did you breakup with your husband when you guys started dating?