My biggest missed red flag was that I couldn't bring up anything he did or try to have a conversation about hurt feelings or unmet needs without him taking it and twisting it into an all day argument during which I mostly naively continued trying to calmy reason with his blatant toxic irrationality, then trying to end the conversation repeatedly only for him to respond with questions or accusations he knew would get me to keep responding. Then he'd be in a bad mood, which was my fault for picking a fight and for "always being so overly critical" of him when all I ever wanted was a brief calm dicussion. I realized way too late that it wasn't just a sensitive guy with a bit of a temper, but someone who is intentionally causing distress and simply can't be reasoned with.
THIS. They really do play up the "I'm just really sensitive and I just got frustrated"....like no, sir, you acted like a toddler having a tantrum except you're twice my size and I'm afraid of you. It's wild how I'm now having conversations with other ppl and not getting yelled at or given the silent treatment for having needs! Who knew that was possible 🤷🏼♀️
That sounds familiar. I am not talking to people who try to make me believe that reality isn’t real. Get on with that nonsense. I’m too smart, too resilient and too sane to fall for that pitiful trap.
My *dad* literally told me no one would believe me the last time I texted with him because i confronted him about things I never had. We are no contact now.
I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better 🩷 thank you for sharing. Currently going through it. Your comment eases some discomfort for me. I feel so bad for confronting mine about csa. I'm strong enough now to know what he thinks changes nothing. Wishing you healing and peace 🩷
I just had my young brother get in my face and I’m the bad guy because I didn’t let it go and the whole family scape goat me and say I’m too sensitive or whatever. They hold court on my lawn and I brought negativity. True crimes. Kicked out for being angry. Old wounds really sting and all for naught and of course my Marc dad apologized after straight up after I’m sweating in my car in an emotional spiral. I flipped out while holding hands and smudging. At that point my brother had been mocking me for an hour and putting hands in my face …. And they all take umbrage with my anger bringing up a cat house they built and were trying to give me. He literally put his face up against mine after calling me a liar and all this shit. I lost it and shoved him with my face and told him he ain’t strong and he bolts out the door and slams it on my hand. Fucker came in the house and hides and I’m the bad guy. Door he slammed on me is busted. I’m the bad guy. Dad came over I shouldn’t have gone outside. It was just as bad as years ago arguing with them, and they just gang up on me. These rage issues when confronted and I’m the bad guy.
@@averyeich9726 as a fellow scapegoat I feel this 💔 how they always manage to turn it around on us is astounding. It is a betrayal for me. We shouldn't have to deal with this especially from family. Even with bruises they still refuse to see. I hope your hand is okay? 🩷 look after yourself. F them guys. You know the truth 😊 you have a right to be angry. They love to make us feel guilty for showing anger. But they can rage all they want. Hypocrites.
Anyone who's going through this, take it from me: cut your losses and leave the second you notice it/as soon as you're able to. Your love CANNOT change them. And please, listen to your gut!!! If they give you the ick or you find yourself confused over small things or you just sense something is off, GTFO. Do not stay and try to figure them out, and don't doubt your instincts. I wish I'd known this stuff ten years ago. Now I'm entangled and trying to rebuild my life from the ground up. My abuser used ADHD and RSD as an excuse for every bad behavior, and never followed through with treatment. I thought I was being loyal by staying and helping him. I now realize he was manipulating and using me. He took my money, my health, and at times, my will to live. These people are drowning, and they will drown you with them if you get too close. They'll even get mad at you for thrashing around too much. SAVE YOURSELF.
THIS, absolutely! I too wish I'd known about this stuff years and years ago. I wish I'd known about the cycle of abuse, red flags to look out for. I know it now, though, and today I'm not willing to put up with any of it. As soon as I notice red flags, I'm done and OUT! I don't have the time or the energy to deal with other people's bs anymore. I need to save myself!
SECONDING THIS, don’t take the chance that it’ll get worse than you ever could have possibly imagined. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly, whether you believe that or not. You DESERVE to be with someone who is willing to develop their place in your life gradually, not expect you to open up your entire world and immediately place them in the middle of it while you’re, at best, on the outskirts of their life. If they seem to really not like being with you but are staying with you anyway like that’s a favor to you, RUN. RUN SO FAR AWAY.
I had this experience, too. My partner used his ADHD and anxiety to excuse his angry outbursts and to justify giving me the silent treatment. So far he’s done everything in this video. I never saw it like this, I only had good faith in his actions. Sigh.
THIRDING THIS! I worked with DV survivors for several years, but I wasn’t able to see the signs of emotional abuse in my own relationship until recently. The confusion is truly unreal in the wake of separation because he got so deep into my head. I have intrusive thoughts all day long about “what if *I’m* the bad guy?” He’s made me question everything about myself.
I feel like an important note on being sensitive vs having a sentisitve ego for people who are very sensitive emotionally, is that someone can pretend to be completely emotionless and still have sensitive egos. Think you try to communicate a boundary because a behavior hurts your feelings and instead of negotiating they turn it into an attack on them and insist you are being dramatic and overbearing. Even if its in a calm even voice with a clear face.
irl, abusive relationships are so nuanced and can make it harder to not only determine what is happening and to prove what is happening. For this reason, this video is super helpful.
Hard agree. I think one aspect I'd like to see pointed out more regarding abuse is it's often insanely subtle & multi-layered. Ppl picture it being right out in the open & easy to spot, but it very rarely is. The screwed up bit is you usually have to go through it before you can accurately recognize it. There were tons of things that I didn't recognize as subtle abuse tactics & many things I didn't even know were happening. The layers of triangulation & smear campaigns between me & others? I didn't find out about until after our 15 yr relationship ended when ppl finally started telling me! It took me a couple yrs to catch him in the act of moving & hiding my stuff in this twisted little gaslighting game he was playing with me to make me doubt my memory & perception. The subtle jokes & jabs were played off so well that I didn't take as much offense to them as I should have.
@@justacoginthefkery reading through this I’m beggining to get a grip about how it’s so subte, it’s so… _evil._ I think I’m beginning to realise how this is actually the stuff of nightmares, to constantly getting subjected to such behaviour for _years._ From the bottom of my heart I congratulate you for saving yourself. God knows I can only guess how difficult it was.. I wish clairvoyance and resilience to everyone who go through such stuff. And the ability to learn from others for who don’t.
My dad is extremely sensitive. You cannot tell him he's wrong. I've never heard him admit being wrong about when the most mundane things. Now I am a parent and I am taking every opportunity to let my kid know when I was wrong about something or made a mistake and apologize when I do things that upset him. I just don't want him to grow up walking on eggshells and questioning his own reality like I did.
This is so awesome. Thank you for breaking the cycle and trying to be an adult your kids can trust. modelling humility and growth is so so so important and impressive! Your kids will have those skills to pass onto their kids. Bravo. ❤
This is amazing, and I absolutely do the same. I admit when I'm wrong, and I apologize. I don't get mad, we talk about things, and my kids come to me with problems. I never felt comfortable doing that with my own mother. I love her, and she did the best she could I think at the time, but I'm aiming higher with my own kids
Ooof yeah, this SO describes my abusive mother it’s not even remotely funny. It applies to all kinds of relationships, toxic friendships and family relationships included!!!!
Hi I want everyone to know that one of the BEST abusive relationship dynamics depictions I’ve ever seen in media (MA degree in English, I know my shit) is in Tuca and Bertie Season 2 between Tuca and Kara, Kara being the abuser. They do SUCH A FUCKING GOOD JOB showing all the early warning signs, how Kara breeds exactly the dependency Mickey is talking about, how she isolates Tuca from her best friend, how she publicly humiliates Tuca in a really subtle and insidious way. It’s genuinely creepy to see how much Kara changes Tuca in just a few weeks. The show contrasts their dynamic so beautifully with the healthy relationship between Bertie and Speckle. Granted, Bertie and Speckle aren’t perfect and have had their their own fair share of rocky times, but they consistently choose each other and grow together. Tuca and Bertie does such an incredible job acknowledging how awful it feels to be in Tuca’s position, I won’t spoil it bc it needs to be experienced in context to be understood. Mickey if you’re ever able to cover this I would be eternally grateful, maybe one day if I figure out how to edit shit and get a fancy microphone I’ll do it myself lol
Tuca and Bertie helped me so much which distinguishing normal relationship conflict and people making dumb choices that can be moved past vs unsafe people.
The frustrating part is that in my experience, the “forbidden topics” aren’t always explicitly outlined, and the punishment for bringing them up can be subtle and manipulative. It’s not always yelling - it can also look like withdrawing all love and support for a while.
It’s taken me a year to realize that I was with someone abusive, and I would have NEVER imagined seeing him this way… and seeing stuff like this unfortunately confirms I have a long way to go…. My ex was constantly teasing me and said some really mean things in that. But I loved his sense of humor right 🙄🙄🙄it was also mostly in public (at work, because we were coworkers…) but would then turn into this weird sweet little bean one on one. He made a joke one time about “feeding my cats to coyotes” and that just stopped me in my tracks and made me re think his entire deal. Suddenly it all hits at once months later actually watching a true crime podcast... and hearing a story of a murderer make a similar type of joke to his victim!! All this shame and anger floods in with memories…The creepy incest jokes, him hitting me sooo friggin hard while play fighting when I didn’t even want to participate, saying he had no interest in meeting any of my friends and only wanting to hang out solo… It’s funny how he tried to come off as this super developed, mature higher than thou person and I still respected him sooo highly for so long even after all that. Damn girl😢 it was so bad and I was just taking it and head over heels…
Don't blame yourself. If abusers made it super easy to spot their horrific actions then nobody would ever fall into those types of relationships. Now that you can spot the signs you can avoid relationships like that in the future. Abuse is never the victim's fault.
The phrase she sayd '' When it's good it't really good, when it's bad it's really bad'' That was SO true. I resonated with that SO MUCH. I had a toxic friendship that had the cycle of abuse in it.
Another oft-overlooked way that abusers can isolate their partners from community, friends, and family is by poaching those relationships. This might look like never getting to see your friends one on one or like the abuser cultivating close relationships with your support people. I've seen this a lot in marginalized communities, where it's not unusual to have overlap in friend groups and support spaces. Having a shared community is not the problem; not having a safe support system that is only one's own is! (And for people who are wondering why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship, this is one of many examples of a situation that's not as simple as "just leave")
This happened to me. I didn't know what was going on. I felt jealous for no longer having my own safe people and being secondary with all my friends compared to my now xwife especially given she met them through.e. And I felt guilt and shame for the jealousy. I was punished when I mourned a friend that was no longer my friend because the relationship was subsumed by her. My wanting friends completely separate from her and being upset that I had no more friends was 'controlling'. The relationship ended when she left me for my 'best friend'. Thank you for your comment. I hadn't heard of this happening to other people.
Thanks for saying this! My abusive ex became friends with my ONLY remaining friend after we broke up. During our relationship said ex was always asking to be included when I hung out with this friend. It always quietly infuriated me and I could never figure out why. I didn't listen to my gut during that whole relationship and only after it was over did I understand what was happening to me.
Can confirm! And I missed those red flags because my ex was the flavor of narcissist who isolated me from friends so I thought it was good that ex #2 always wanted to go to all my friend things 🙄 He’s get mad at me during these occasions and put my own friends against me - or just death stare me from across the room if I talked to anyone .. and my friends never saw a thing 🥵 so I thought it was all me. For years!
Yes! & if they notice that there's ppl they can't fool, they'll demonize them for no real reason ("I just don't like them & I don't think they're healthy for you") or triangulate you so that you eventually cut them off willingly. Or they'll do an advanced smear on you with family, friends or their coworkers, essentially poison their perception of you ahead of time so that when you do meet them, not only do they not like you, it'll have you questioning yourself as to why.
You know what's a really important thing for people to know that would be an interesting video for you to do? The difference between people's actions being just their disorders/personality/quirks, and them just being an asshole. Too many people I've noticed now have been using their mental disorders/etc as excuses to be terrible people, and I know a lot of people have a hard time knowing when to try to help the person acting a certain way and knowing when to put their foot down and really break off that toxicity. I feel it would help a lot of people.
Very complex topic, but yeah. Knowing when to draw a line even if it is just symptoms, and how to offer help from behind VERY firm boundaries could be part of the same video.
YES. Please. I think the wider awareness of mental health struggles is a net good, but it comes with a need for education to make sure the topic isn’t used to justify nasty behavior.
See this makes me so upset because my boyfriend is an ass and likes to play dumb. Unknown to me. For years his best friends have been telling him what he should be working on and they tried to help him. He lies to me saying non of that is true.
Speaking as a multi-disabled POC with ptsd and autism galore... There is no excuse. An explanation is just info to help you navigate more effectively. Thats NOT the same as an excuse. If someone is claiming that xyz MADE them act some way...or if they say that they didnt have a choice...Thats a lie. There is never a reason that having a disability is the SAME as having no choice or responsibility for your actions. I know that ptsd and autism cause me to have large and crushing emotional reactions. But feeling a strong feeling is NOT permission to treat anyone around me a certain way, demand favors or no consequences from those actions, or act out my emotions and make it everyone else's problem (self soothing). This idea that being disabled/flawed=permission to act bad is just ableism or manipulation. There is NO good reason to be an asshole or to expect other people to pretend they arent hurt/valid. I have a predisposition to push people away. But im also on the hook every single time it happens because im responsible for my own life & actions. And if i did that, I need to figure my shit out so that i can repair, learn, and grow the skills to be better. The way forward is accountability not excuses (willful incompetence)
DITTO!!!!!! Someone I know who has OCD is apparently triggered by how I move my own body when around them and is very controlling of how those around them move their own bodies, like how they sit, or how they gesture. It's very hard for me to be around them and remain supportive.
I’ve been struggling recently trying to figure out if I was a bad partner bc no matter what I did, even following her rules to a tee, I couldn’t make her happy or it was never enough. This explains everything so dang clearly holy cow
Her wanting you to follow "rules" and you feeling like it was never enough is the first red flag. You might just not have been ultimately compatible, but that's not how a relationship is supposed to be.
@@powderandpaint14 I can’t be sure if we were compatible-she represented herself as a completely different person when we first met-like we founded our relationship on mutual values. When I started to notice that her actions didn’t line up to with her stated values-she would chastise me for judging her and accuse me of treating her the same way people she says have abused her in the past. So I started to believe that I was abusing her somehow, despite my best efforts not to. When she said she couldn’t remember why she loved me bc of how badly I hurt her and wanted me to make a list of all the things I think I bring to the relationship that is a healthy and beneficial to her…I pointed out how hurtful this was and she said bc I was being combative and defensive she “frees herself of all accountability” and dumped me. She made me feel like an asset and not a human and didn’t care as long as she got what she needed from me. I feel duped and used, but I’m worthy of love and I will learn from this.
Would it be possible for you to do a follow up video for people who suspect their loved one is in an abusive relationship - what signs to watch out for and what to do to help
There’s an excellent book called Why Does He Do That, you can still find the full pdf for free pretty easily if you Google for it. There’s an entire very detailed section on how to be a support “anchor”. In general, I’ve found that it helps especially in early stages to show surprise and gentle but honest concern that someone would want to treat your friend or loved one that way. Show them that no, they aren’t crazy, this isn’t normal or okay. I’ve also found it helps to try and hypothetically put yourself in the abuser’s shoes, then compare how you would treat your loved one with how the abuser treats them. For example, my ex-friend’s ex-HORRIBLY abusive partner hated me once I smelled the shit they were trying to make my friend deal with. Even after they were broken up, once when my friend and I were hanging out for a girls’ weekend at her place, this person texted them basically saying they were upset about something and asked my friend to *kick me out* so that they could come over and hang out with her instead. I said to her, I would never dream of doing that?? My friend’s ex and I knew each other, and we used to all be friends. If anything, I’d apologize for interrupting and ask my friend if their guest was okay with me coming over and joining the two of them for a little support. I would NEVER ask a friend outright to make someone else leave just so I could lean on them. I think it really helped things click for her, she knew I would never treat her that way and it gave her something concrete to compare it to. Don’t make it your life’s mission to get them out, that will only confuse them further and make them feel ashamed, which their abuser will take full advantage of. Also try to set a good example with your own personal boundaries, don’t let them treat you abusively either or hold them to a different standard than you would any other friend or loved one going through a stressful time.
That would be SO useful. Especially advice about approaching them without sounding accusatory or passive aggressive, and how to leave communication open. Making sure they still feel they can reach out to you in the future, even if they blow up or go silent now, and such. Sadly, that would be a great resource.
Don’t be disheartened if it takes a while for them to leave. It took a while for me to leave. First I had to accept that it was abuse because I wasn’t being hit. I had to get stronger, which is hard when you’re isolated. I was afraid of losing my kids and almost did because my first lawyer wasn’t terribly effective. I don’t think she was good for abuse cases. I finally told myself, though, that I was showing my kids that it was okay not to respect women, and I couldn’t stay and be part of the reason the cycle continued. I’d recommend that you go to the library and get a couple books. Skim through them and see if you see any scenarios that sound like your loved one. Good luck to you both.
OMG it's my mom. Ugh... I was JUST feeling like maybe she's not as bad as I think. Thanks for making this video and preventing me from making a dumb mistake to reach out to her.
Same, I'm at my parents' right now, but I know when I'm not living with them or sometimes when they're being decent I feel like they're not as bad. Learning not to trust that is hard
This is my dad to a T. I'm still stuck living with him and I don't know how to get out. I have no job prospects. I've got ADHD, autism, and PTSD from his abuse. My mom can't help me. My city has no resources. None of my friends have resources. I can't keep living like this, but I have no way forward.
Why can't your Mom help you? You could look into claiming disability, I know it often takes a few attempts but people do get it eventually. You could also look into supported housing for people with disabilities. If you don't have resources in your city look for organisations more widely. You could atleast get some advice.
Where are you based? Depending on your age and where you live there are services you can reach out to. I'm not saying it'll be easy- it may include talking about the abuse and sometimes alot/confusing paperwork. It can be easy to give up but it's always better to at least try and get out- wishing you all the best x
It's not hopeless, there are trade schools, job corps, medicade for low income, FASFA, non-profits, etc. one of my best friends has ADHD, autism, PTSD AND Bipolar. She recently started working as a chemistry teacher at a high school. It's not hopeless, it's just finding the resources because they are out there. (Also even making a throwaway account on Reddit and posting on a subreddit can provide a wealth of resources as well).
@infinitecurlie I understand this sentiment, but I wanted to point a few things out for the people in similar situations who may be lacking important resources. Not everyone qualifies for Medicaid and school can take a lot of time and money to complete. Especially when someone's already burned out from just trying to survive. FAFSA does not guarantee someone won't have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to get a degree and while your friend may share some of the same diagnoses as the OP, that doesn't mean their experiences with them are the same. Also there can be concerns about privacy (not wanting your abuser to know where you're located, etc.) or housing security (let alone wanting to take everything with you, which is really difficult for a college student to do), on top of needing to have money (and likely their own car) to even secure housing in the first place. I know a lot of this may be U.S.-focused and I do hope that these resources you listed can be helpful to people. I think it's important to remember, though, that we're talking about someone fleeing abuse and to remember the lack of resources abuse can be marked by. It may seem a lot easier to leave than it actually is, given the heavy amount of resources (and mentally energy, which is already running low) it takes to leave or to get the resources needed to leave. I agree that I don't think things are hopeless. But I do think it's important to remember the situation someone could be in (or ask) before trying to give them solutions
Could you make a video about the differences between this and BPD? (Emotional dysregulation vs refusing to regulate, highs and lows due to one’s own distress vs controlling the other, etc) I have BPD and the stigma of us being ‘inherently’ abusive and manipulative people is so harmful. Especially because we are very likely to be victims of abuse and to not be believed. Also a video about emotional abuse from parents would be pretty cool, specifically for the scapegoat or ‘problem’ child
I don't think BPD is in Mickey's wheelhouse, so while I think this is a great idea in general, they really shouldn't be the one to do it. She has definitely given misinformation in the past when talking about personality disorders they don't specialise in. For parental emotional abuse, try Doctor Ramani and Patrick Teahan! Dr. Ramani specialises in NPD, and Teahan is a clinical social worker who specialises in childhood trauma & dysfunctional family systems.
I am pretty sure that If people can regulate themselves, they do. The inability to regulate one’s emotions leads to abuse. Even when it’s a part of a diagnosis it’s still abuse. Just because it’s not intentional doesn’t mean it’s not abusive.
@@subplot I follow both of those, they’re really awesome. Maybe she could do a collaboration with a therapist well versed in BPD? I think they would both have such a unique lens and ability to dissect human struggling vs using struggling to abuse.
@@UrbanomicInteriors this is really ableist and not acceptable. A lot of people are not able to regulate themselves because of the mental illness they have, and they should still seek help and put effort into improving that, but “if they wanted to they would” is a really ableist sentiment based on judgement and ignorance of something you don’t personally struggle with. Also there are many people who struggle with emotional regulation who are *not* abusive and to say that is to say that essentially people with BPD or CPTSD or bipolar are inherently abusive and could decide not to have their mental illness if they just chose to.
Also can you make a video on Matt Walsh’s recent horrific parenting advice? He essentially encourages using a belt to inflict pain on your child and that they should be terrified of you, because otherwise they’ll end up being a “whiny, depressed, selfish entitled brat” Cuz clearly the generations of spilled over big macho man anger and incapacity for emotional vulnerability did so well to land us to this point.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as a teenager, and one of the biggest parts was what you talked about with structuring the relationship around his emotions. I was scared to do anything and felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly. I really wish they taught us things like this alongside sex ed. I don't think just seeing our parents and other adults' relationships as models is enough to teach us about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
After I split w my ex and described what was going on in the relationship to my mum she always said that he was abusive and it had a lot of coercive control. I kind of brushed it off bc, and it sounds silly, he was never violent towards me (did once smash a plate and threaten to break all my shit). Looking at this video it ticks off so many things. Especially the “joking” bullying. It bothered me so much AND confused me bc I could never understand why he didn’t just stop when I’d asked so many times. He just told me I have no sense of humour. I just didn’t understand why he found it so funny to be mean to me. It sounds so obvious now, but it’s a really confusing situation to be in. He cheated, and honestly I’m thankful for it bc it made me finally leave, though leaving was complicated and he kept insinuating that he might “do something” to himself. It’s been a few years and I am still intentionally single bc I never wanna be in that position again.
I don't really comment, but I really needed this today, thank you. I've been contemplating getting back in touch with an ex that my therapist helped me understand was abusive, but I still find hard to wrap my head around because of the declarations of love. Watching this helped me piece together memories that I'd hidden away and keep it so I won't go back
There are 7 billion other humans on this planet. Don't waste your precious resources on the one who is awful to you. Find positive, supportive people and make _that_ type of relationship your new comfort zone.
I got invited to a retreat where you have to be invited, someone has to sponsor you, and the amount of money is not cheap, and family are not allowed at a special event that takes place during the 72 hours you're there...only those who have previously gone through the program...uh, retreat. Family or friends are also not allowed to come to ongoing community events they hold every month without having attended this retreat. It definitely feels like isolation from loved ones. They put little gifts on your bed multiple times per day to show you that you are loved (love bombing). I've been in a relationship with an abuser, and hearing you describe this explains why all my alarm bells were going off through the weekend. The group was using covert abuse tactics. The lady who sponsored me has overstepped my boundaries in other ways. My friend and family have told me they do not think she is safe for me. Your video just clarified some things for me. Thank you!
@@rawilliams5881 No, unfortunately, it was a religious retreat. But your question is interesting. It shows me there are many groups using the same tactics.
Sounds cult-like. Cults have a lot of similar tactics to individual abusers, especially isolation/controlling who you can interact with and under what circumstances. I hope you're safe.
Anyone who suffers from an abusive relationship: please, if you ‘ve fallen into the isolation trap and feel like you made the mistake of cutting your safe people off; I know it might feel harrowing but please don’t be ashamed and reach out to them. Reignite that connection! It will literally save you. Especially if they’re understanding people. And people who KNOW a loved one who suffers from an abusive relationship: please, oh please, don’t abandon them even if they want to cut you off. I know it’s difficult, but please be resilient and be patient. This stubborn grip on our relationship with my aunt, when she was actively rejecting us, is literally how me and my mom saved my aunt’s mental wellbeing from her husband’s emotional and social abuse.
If you do more videos about this - I hear SO often about how abusive people or "narcissists" are so calculating. How they do X because "they know" it will cause you to feel Y and then do Z. But my ex - there's NO way he thought these things through. He did not have the capacity to understand the emotional reaction I would have to anything. Or the behaviors that would result. Sure, he probably eventually had an intituve sense that if he turned things around and started bringing up some past mistake of mine, then i would stop trying to get him to answer for his behavior. But most of the time, he was just lashing out because he wasn't getting what he wanted and couldn't control his emotions. There was no calculation behind it. But I don't hear of those types of abuse talked about nearly as often as these supposed cold, calculated, well-planned out kinds.
THIS. The whole “abuser as cold blooded monster” trope isn’t exactly conducive to rehabilitation or even real understanding. Like, I acknowledge those people exist, but it feels far more likely that most people exhibiting abusive behaviors are not introspective enough to be self aware and to see how poorly they treat the people they claim to love. Most people don’t walk around thinking “how can I make this person’s life worse today and send them spiraling?” Like you said, it’s more of a reactive behavior toward not getting what they want and not knowing how else to “fix” whatever situation provoked their anger/frustration/fear/whatever. This feels far more human and far simpler to address with the right therapeutic interventions.
@@ViolentSaphireYeah nowadays every abuser is a narcissist. Not that a lot aren’t but sometimes shitty behaviour doesn’t have a narrow diagnosis or that label has a lot of misleading strings attached.
Yeah I think overall abuse is about someone prioritizing their own needs to the point of wanting to control their partner. Regardless of how calculated or spur of the moment the abusive behavior is. I won’t say they’re all narcissistic but ego & entitlement is definitely a factor. And if the abuser is a man abusing a woman or afab person, misogyny as well. I do think there are some people who are just lacking introspection & emotional regulation; but you only know that’s the what’s happening if they make an active effort to improve & see results. Which is rare.
agree! I dont think its about intent at all. People DO tend to do this subconsciously. It makes so much sense to explain outright but in the moment it usually is like you've described--the person lashes out because they dont have healthy models or coping skills and they continue to choose to stay the same despite evidence of harm. It isnt always about wanting to punish or control BUT it is still an ongoing choice not to value or respect that other person when you need a pickup/nanny. Intent matters less than impact. People KNOW when they have issues that look like this (dismissive about harm to others), even if they dont have a clear or honest narrative about it with themselves. Even if they dont know why, they still know they're choosing to soothe themself at the expense of other people.
Thanks for putting this out there! I'm sad to say that it took my ex threatening to go into the woods and shoot himself with his shotgun if I broke up with him to realize basically every aspect of our relationship was driven by his coercive control. I finally left him over a decade ago and the mental scars he left are healing but do still impact me. I wish it was something talked about more when I was a young adult, but I'm so happy it's part of more mainstream conversations today! I hope your video reaches the right people so they can find safety and healing too, and so that some people can avoid partners like this altogether.
I had a relationship like that when I was very young, early 20s. He constantly threatened me, was violent, and controlled every part of my life. He was so overtly, obviously abusive, but I grew up in a severely abusive family, so I didn't know I had a choice. It's now 40 years later and I've done a lot of healing, but the scars remain. I also experienced lots of other more covertly abusive relationships over the years (emotional/verbal abuse, mind games, etc), so that definitely didn't help! Fortunately I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to put up with abusive behavior of any kind. As soon as I see red flags, I'm out!
God that sounds like my parents when I was a kid 😑 “MaYbE i ShOuLd Go OuT bAcK aNd HaNg MySeLf”. Like ok lol I bet my right arm you won’t considering this is like the 50th time you’ve said that. Your 9 year old ain’t a therapist sweetie, I just learned how to do long division last week good luck thinking I’m equipped to deal with your clusterfuck of a psyche lmao. Man people who say that to manipulate others are jerks. Sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that crap. I’m so glad you got out of the relationship and survived ❤
This is such an important topic. I was in an abusive marriage, but my family and community treated it like it was normal. I was miserable but no one could see it, until my online friends heard my then husband in the background of our Skype calls while we were gaming. I had two different friends, from different circles, tell me in the same week "That's abuse" and if it hadn't been both of them I might not have taken them seriously. I'm glad I was able to find a new community that is truly supportive, I've healed so much and am helping my children heal too.
I would love a video on how to notice if your own behavior is drifting from "flawed person struggling to take accountability" into abusive territory. Looking back on some of my own behavior as a teen and in my early 20s I'm pretty horrified. We were very young and both pretty horrible to each other, but I would love to hear any advice on how to monitor your own behavior. I'm much older and wiser now, but it's not something I see talked about very often, especially in queer friendly spaces.
You're so right. I had no idea i was being abused until someone told me. We're not taught enough all the different ways abuse presents itself and the ways we allow it to proliferate
I understand that this is about romantic partner abuse, but I’ve seen, especially in my own personal case, that I’ve seen it in my family members and some former friends. I tend to live on the more sensitive side and have made statements that I have the emotional capacity of like five people instead of one person. Mostly because my family tend to hit some of the points mentioned. The big ones especially being the teasing and then being dismissive of my concerns then going into not apologizing. As well as the gaslighting and such. It’s been a long road to process and accept from former relationships but the familial ones are still a difficult place to be in. But knowledge is power for me and since I know better I can do better.
Yes, this advice is equally applicable to friends and family, as well as romantic partners. Basically, anyone you interact with on a regular basis, who is a part of your life. I have had to cut off family members and friends these past few years, because I couldn't deal with the emotional and mental mind games and manipulation anymore.
Most therapy, psychiatric, substance abuse, and other discussion or writing emphasizes romantic partners, and straight ones in particular. When it's a sibling, and when the enablers are your parents, all you hear is crickets.
Thanks so much for covering this. Recognition and response to non physical forms of violence was my PhD topic. It's so important that more people know what to look for.
Omg I used to describe my last relationship as "when he's good he's great, the rest of the time he's a first class A-hole". I was in denial for so long, excusing his abusive behavior as "he's just opinionated", or "he's just very particular", when in reality he was actually controlling and manipulative. Never ignore your intuition, if something feels like a red flag, it's probably because it is.
I was in an abusive relationship that i got out of almost 10 years ago. The trauma still affects me to this day, something I continue to work on in therapy. One thing I struggle with is doubting myself, telling myself it wasn’t that bad, that my ex wasn’t actually abusive. Even though i felt like i was walking on eggshells constantly. This video today made me feel extremely validated. Thank you!
My partner doesn’t do anything like this, but my sister sure does most of it. Our family therapist got sucked in perpetuating to the dynamic. We’re on a break now.
Of course your therapist got sucked in! So will your family, your co-workers and everyone else. "Yabbit, yabbit Familyyy! Bibble, babble, forgiiiiive!" I started to ask the flying monkeys whether I too was family, and at which point would I be entitled to some protection or support instead of being the dedicated punching bag. That tends to make them go away.
Sometimes I imagine my dad giving me advice from a place that he had no ego. I know that if he had all the therapy he needed, he would only want me to be better and feel better. He’d even want me to prioritize myself over his feelings because he wants me to have a good life. Unfortunately, in the real life, there’s a lot more there than just support and understanding. But it helps ground me in the reality that, my father has toxic behavior that he doesn’t know how to live without, and it means little about the real situation at hand. Still, I wish I didn’t have to navigate this for both myself, my father, and my mother.
Hi, new sub here 🤗🩷 great video! There's so many subtle things they do that most people won't pick up on. That can lead to feeling like its all in my head. The fake nice after abuse or bullying is frustrating. Pretend like it never happened 🤫 if I bring it up, i am the problem. (In their mind anyways) I'm trying to get away from my parents. They aren't safe. I don't trust them. Personally i get a ton of guilt trips. When i had panic attacks around my mother oh man. She grabs me and pulls me, yells at me, tells me im being over dramatic, stop hyperventilating! Calm down! Then she verbally attacks me after it. Tells me "i know you've got issues but for once in your life why can't you just think about me" Im usually too scared to respond. I just run.
I never had a romantic relationship that was abusive but I did have an abusive roommate for a while and it was so hard to recognize the signs and even when I started going 'wait a second something isn't right here' I thought I was crazy, and when I was trying to reach out for help, most people thought I was making too big a deal of it because 'oh you can just stop being roommates.' Not always tho.
THIS. I've had more than one abusive platonic situation (and am in a situation I can't honestly tell now). Roommates are really bad for the "leave one, pressured by the need to find a place to live, jump into the next worse situation"
I’d like to add: The love bombing that happens early in the relationship becomes the proverbial carrot on a stick that the abused person chases in the future, making the abused constantly wondering what they did wrong to lose that initial “love”.
Actually, the "Venn diagram is a circle" is between HSPs and people in denial about their neurodivergence...which, in the case of people who identify as HSPs, is usually autism or at least sensory processing disorder, but not always.
I've had more than one therapist tell me I'm an HSP, but refuse to discuss if I was autistic or told me I wasn't. The more I learn, I'm pretty sure I am. I also could never get anyone to do more than shrug their shoulders about my sensory processing issues. I'm fortunate that none of it has ever impacted my ability to make a living, or get through basic life tasks, so a diagnosis is less important. But I'm finally, at age 47, beginning to understand my difficulties in forming relationships with people.
@@toniprekker3656 Ya know, I suspect that's not an uncommon experience. I was a pre-teen/young teen during the 2000s'. I was often called an "Indigo Child." *rolls eyes* Thankfully, I had diagnoses by then, so my parents knew not to take it seriously.
Seeing as the person who came up with term has since said that the person that they based it on later got an autism diagnosis, HSP seems to be more people who don't fit what society thinks autism looks like. Yes a lot of it overlaps with sensory processing disorder and that isn't specific to autistic people.
@@toniprekker3656I’m sorry you experienced that. You didn’t deserve to be blown off by professionals. I just wanted to say Self diagnosis is a valid journey and if you suspect you have autism I hope you continue to look into it. Something that felt like a personal reflection was Samatha Crafts “unofficial checklist for females with Asperger’s”
@@amandamandamandsThats not totally accurate. The woman who originally came up with HSP explained that the label was for her son, and that it fit him better than autism becayse he didnt have "all those issues" that come with a "real" disability, he was "only sensitive." So her own explanation was very geared towards denying her son's autism. She evntually did accept her son's diagnosis but she still believes that HSP is not a disability because its actually a superpower for normal people (similar ableist language)
Some of these feel really in line with another blind spot I have. I guess it's a certain category of manipulation that baffles me. I have a blindspot around people who take advantage of others or maybe it's a confusion around why someone who do everything to depend on someone else doing something for you like a determined helplessness or something. Not necessarily with intent, but maybe just as a default setting? It's so confusing to me and has caused me a lot of problems because I don't recognize / anticipate / understand it. As a weird workplace example, Person A is going out of town for two weeks and needs Person B to review some contracts. Person A asks me to follow up with Person B to make sure they've done it so I can notify others to send for signatures, etc. Person B ignores me for a week and the gets on a call and asks me what they need to do (clearly stated in email) and can I help them? I say "This isn't something I can help with, what do you want me to sit on a call for 6h while I read through these with you?" Person B says "yes." Obviously, I say no and hangup, but what the heck? Technically, I didn't have to help person A, but that ask wasn't too far from what I do, but person B was so comfortable taking it to an absurd extreme. Why are people like this? What is this? It's weird to me, but common I guess. Like why go so far out of your way to make someone else do soemthing for you especially when forcing someone else takes so much more effort than just doing the dang thing. B could have reviewed those contracts in an hour. Seriously, what is that?
I'm stuck in a very toxic relationships. Unfortunately not with a partner, but with my mother. Thing is, as she grew older, she has developed this paranoid thoughts and beliefs. Which are really exhausting to exist around. I've considered advising with some mental health professionals, but as I've researched it more, I found out that there is no effective treatment for this type of disorder. And she doesn't think that she needs any help. So far I've desided that while she is mostly stable, I will just tolerate it. But emotionally it's really hard, feels like walking on eggshells around her beliefs, so not to trigger her. And she doesn't have anyone else but me to support her. And I just can't being myself to go no contact or something, because when she was healthier she used to be quite a good mom. So I feel stuck and no way out. Just wanted to let it out somewhere, cause I can't talk about this with my friends, I've tried, and they just don't understand what I'm going through.
Just remember you and your wellbeing are important too. If she acts abusive towards you or her behavior is negatively impacting your mental health, even if it's not entirely her fault but a mental illness, you are not a bad person for distancing yourself. I'm not telling you what to do, I just want you to know this.
Kinda crazy that you're the only channel that I would watch this content, and not immediately assume whoever was presenting it has a chip on their shoulder, or was about to spread more misinformation. Thank you for being a lighthouse for these serious topics, in a sea of misinformation and ignorance.
growing up in an abusive environment, it pains me to i know i projected a lot of the abuse i faced. i definitely abused my partner in ways i never could’ve imagined. putting him down for not being with me. blaming him for me not taking my medication, or spending time with his friends because i didn’t have any. i think i ruined the best relationship i had. therapy is so expensive, i want to be in it, i also want to undo the actions of the last 3 years.
the way i've been told the "When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's bad" is "When it's good, it's really good but when it's bad, it's ugly." i've heard that from my mom but directed at me. god, the amount of things i feel deja vu about in this video and i'm 10 minutes in (i don't have the means to leave yet but i've been wanting to since i was 14 and younger (i'm now 18).)
Pretty sure one time my MOM of all people said I was gaslighting her once, because I was asking her to listen to me… And honestly after that idk man but I just went into my room cold turkey, I got people who don’t complain that I want to talk about my interests, and hobbies. I just frankly don’t care anymore. If me keeping up boundaries and wanting to talk about Minecraft is “abusive”, I think it’s a normal reaction to pull away?
The people who systematically abused me (family, “friends,” partners) were banking on me either not remembering what they did or erroneously believing I’m crazy due to a comically absurd misdiagnosis. Neither happened and they are in quite the pickle. 😐
Wow I’ve been on both ends of this. It sucks, because no one wants to admit their faults. And unlearning this behavior takes time. Luckily for me my partner broke it off and I got help. We’re friends now and it’s so nice to know I’m forgiven for a time I didn’t know any better and held a lot of guilt about
The first example really seemed accurate to how a relative treats me. Everything is on her emotional timeline and disregards everyone else. It’s very frustrating. I confronted her about how I feel like she misinterprets everything I say and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. Her response was she won’t apologize for who she is and that she needs more emotional support… If that’s too much for me, then I can take time away. Her response felt like she disregarded how her actions affect others and put the blame on me to deal with. Very strange.
Isn't it nice she provided the solution, though (I say facetiously). "Take time away." I'd accept that invitation permanently, and remind her of it if she ever reaches out. After all, you need a certain level of support too, to refill your own giving. That's human. I'd go so far as to say you ought not apologize, either, for being a normal human with human needs. I have relatives like this, too. They're freaking vampiric. Hope this helps.
It may not be abusive and still be a sign of a relationship that it has run its course. Sometimes relationships end and it may not even be anybody's fault. Maybe it is a good idea to take some time off to think things through, which has the added benefit of revealing abusive or controlling behaviour (which typically manifests itself as "no you cannot take time off").
Could be. Playing hot and cold throws people off balance. It could be the person is going through a rough time and not tell you. But if you're in a close relationship, and they're trustworthy, they should be self-aware enough to offer some reasonable explanation. And it will end without popping up again. Still sets a bad precedent. Seriously disturbed people use it to create a trauma bond. Be guarded any time you see it. As other commenters have stated, it might simply be time to let go and move on.
I’m a recovering EVERYTHING….but you’ve healed me with your ART! I’m inspired to paint and glue fun stuff on frames now. Narcissists SUCKED my creativity. Coloring is LIFE. Meanwhile, my narcissist neighbor is sobbing loudly out her kitchen window so we’ll give her sympathy. Nope.
One of the little things that took me a long time to notice was when she would try to make me feel guilty for venting to my friends, about her or not. She would say that it was her job to comfort me, and what I didn't realize was that what she meant was that it was up to her to decide whether or not I deserved to be comforted. It was also to isolate, but mainly it was just cruel.
Watching this after being told my moral character is in question for recording someone to protect myself because it was technically illegal in that state (we were on vacay out of state)
I think it’s incredibly important to talk about these subtler aspects because when I was 15-21 I was in a very clearly abusive relationship where I was being physically harmed (as well as the emotional, social, etc stuff) so when I entered another relationship with a purely emotional/ social abuser, I missed a lot of the signs. He even used to joke that all he had to do was not hit me to be better than my ex.
A form of punishment ignored is sulking. Like for way too long, every time there is any conflict or authenticity on your part about your feelings and thoughts. It always feels like a brake up until you placate their ego to bring the relationship out of conflict without resolving anything
I was gaslight to the point of mania. I was losing my mind. All of my concerns were proven right when I finally caught him with evidence cheating on me and brought it up to my therapists. I’m still healing from all the support and what I thought they were but he was a liar cheater groomer
Sometimes, I think I'm exaggerating when I refer to my ex as an abuser and then I get reminders like this video that no, he was indeed abusive. That word has so much stigma attached to it- i was embarrassed to admit that I was being abused and I also sometimes have this fear that I am saying mean things about him, that I am somehow damaging his reputation (à la "he has so much potential"). But the thing is that, when I share my stories about our relationship with others, I've never embellished them, I am sharing my experiences of being with him.
Thank you so much for making this type of content. I had an ex who would pulled out all the moves to be an emotionally and mentally abusive p.o.s. However the biggest problem I encountered was in my other relationships. I had self-confidence being worn down already, so when other loved ones started yelling and lecturing me how I was hurting my other loved ones, that I was making mistakes after mistakes.... It was exhausting. My confidence and self-power were shot. I would love the general public to learn how to appropriately talk and communicate fears when someone gets stuck in an abusive relationship. Because how the other relationships react can also intensify the feelings of isolation and lack of self-worth. Find your people, the ones who genuinely are there for you when shit goes down. Not the ones who guilt trip you into self-correcting. I'm talking your quiet ride-or-dies who help you pack without question. You got this.
I have two questions (open to anyone answering) - I really don't know who to ask or talk to about this? 1) How do you know if *you're* doing something abusive? I dealt with a lot of abuse as a kid, and I'm prob autistic, and I have a lot of trauma that I've been recently really really struggling to self-regulate for. I've always had a deep fear that I'm secretly abusive or will become abusive, and I also have a hard time knowing what's 'real' / valid vs my brain being silly and off-base. How do I know? How do I change if I'm doing that? I especially have a hard time stopping spirals / crying blow-ups, and I know that's really draining on people around me. :/
It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of things that arent necessarily your fault or in your control. namely having an abusive family/home and not knowing whats normal or ok. You deserve patient and kind self talk and a method of self validation and self regulation. That said, I have no idea if you've abused others. Maybe its not very helpful to label yourself "an abuser". If you are autistic like me, you will ALWAYS find data and doctors to tell you that youre doing everything wrong. If someone has consistently told you that you did harm to them, believe them and make a reasonable attempt at accountabilility. Repair is for relationships you intend to keep/continue investing in. Not everyone deserves your time or energy or explanations, only the people you choose. If you hurt someone, do your best to be mindful and respecftul. but also please dont blame yourself for struggling. from firsthand exp i can tell you that being autistic and abused can leave you feeling like a hot dysfunctional mess who cant manage a simple convo without collapsing into ptsd flashbacks. it feels like that sometimes for most of us, i think. But that isnt the same as believing other people who try to convince you that youre a Bad Person for having a loud, unusual feeling or need. Because there will always be those people and it sounds like you have enough on your plate already. please be kind to yourself and protect yourself/needs as priceless.
I think it’s important to note the role that addiction can play in abusive relationships. Even if the relationship isn’t abusive in the beginning, as the addiction progresses, the relationship will eventually become abusive. I think the inherent abuse in relationships involving addiction is also not very widely known or talked about enough. Addiction is a big deal. It is very serious. And if it’s not treated, it will only get worse. I also think it’s important to note that there doesn’t have to be intent for it to be abusive. You can think to yourself “oh, but they didn’t mean to hurt me and they are really sorry”. Even if that’s true, it doesn’t matter. The behavior isn’t ok. Abuse is abuse whether they had the premeditation or not.
Ultimately because the addict doesn’t want their partner trying to get them to get/stay sober. It’s one of the big reasons Johnny Depp did all he did to Amber Heard. He couldn’t stand someone holding him accountable, “the hooranging” he called it. As well as his obvious misogyny; I remember him on the stand talking about how he couldn’t understand how a woman so much younger than him would dare challenge him. And then the abuse escalated when she couldn’t take it lying down anymore & fought back. And he’d be especially violent of course when he was drunk/high/both. And that doesn’t even factor in situations like I’d seen with some of my loved one with addicted partners/parents/children. Where the addicted person is never/rarely physically violent but does shit like steal money or even precious belongings to sell to buy more drugs/alcohol.
The more and more info i get and the more i look back at the relationship i had with my ex, the more i believe that it was abusive and he wouldve started hitting me if i didnt leave him when i did. He did all the love bombing, all the attempts to separate me from my support systems and family, bullied me under the guise of jokes, and much more. He once manipulated me with old photos and videos of me (lood ones) and said he would delete them if i hooked up with him while he was dating someone else. I was dumb and let that get to me, and ended up in a relationship with him again for another 2 years after the initial first 5 years. Im so glad to say that i broke up with him 2 and a half years ago, and im so grateful to be free from his bs
THIS ENTIRE VIDEO IS GOLD!! Thank you for showing the cycle of abuse and just every example you provided. I recently ended a friendship because I witnessed my friend humiliate, name calling and gaslight her step daughter (13) and when I asked about it she started to isolate me … so I spoke with her daughter and encouraged she speak to her therapist about this and her dad who tends to hold my ex friend accountable
Hearing "I didn't mean it that way!" isn't necessarily bad, misjudging the effects of what we say is an easy mistake. What's bad is if they continue the same behaviors after you've made it clear you find it hurtful. My older brother is like that. His teasing can be vicious. Often he'll say things like " I know you don't like this but I'm doing it anyway." We live in different states and I rarely even speak to him, and actually see him even less.
I really like how you separate out effort and intent from abuse. I grew up in an abusive household and my group of friends have no problem having conversations around boundaries. They also understand when I tell them I'm going to vanish for a bit because I need some space and they just let it happen without being offended by it. It's great to be able to depend on someone as much as they depend on you. I wonder if it's because we all play DnD so we all have to know how to work with each other to achieve a goal because we do it at least once a week at minimum.
I'm so glad you do these videos they are so helpful. Thank you. I would love to see you do a video on safe people. What they are, who they are, what a good safe person acts like. Also maybe how to have a healthy relationship with your safe people. What are routes you might have to share around that topic. How to meet a make-safe people speak after you've been separated from your people for so long.
Leaving the abusive relationship has always been hard for me. As soon as my ex would establish a line of communication she would convince me to come back.
7:58 my mother talking about me having issues with reminders of what my stepdad did, or calling her out, or for having feelings... those thoughts of ending, "normal"... yay
I just want to say I was in a relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive, and he 100% did all the things you mentioned in this video. Completely spot on. I could write a whole freaking novel about the things he put me through but suffice to say, I did reach out to a therapist when I was at my most desperate, and they did help me recognize his abuse and leave him.
My abusive ex had really strong political viewpoints. I felt obliged to take them on and not have any difference of opinion because of how angrily and forcefully he spoke about anyone with different political opinions to him. It was one of the many subtle ways he'd control me. Perhaps alone this would not seem like a big deal, but when added up with other controlling things he'd do, it seemed very much like I was being conditioned to defer to him always. He also had that very fragile ego. Also, every time I asked for space it would turn into him being very upset because he just wanted to see me all the time. He never stopped to consider my need for space. These and so many other little things. I didn't know until after it was over that I was being abused and controlled.
The biggest thing that we need to focus on is not spotting an abuser, it's walking away once we find out they are one. It's very rare that a woman makes a true psycho who can hide everything and be the perfect man. Realistically, We see the red flags, we may not understand that they are red flags, but we see them and we proceed with a relationship. We have to believe that we deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect at all times. If that does not occur, head out.
Thanks so much. I've struggled with how to describe my past relationships. I've thought of them as abusive, but could never get anyone else to validate that for me, including therapists. Was told a "label isnt important". But it is important for me to process it. Was I abused, and some of my reactions a natural result of so much gaslighting and breaking me down, that I began to develop mental health and behavior issues as a result of the trauma? Or was I a messed up person who did just as much, or even more harm, and it was mostly my fault that things were so toxic?
I've heard this statement on Love Island, "when it's good it's really good and when it's bad it's really bad". I really notice these phrases now and the relationship outcomes. I've learned a lot about people and compatibility because of that show.
SO on point. This is incredibly accurate. A must listen for anyone who's encountered or currently facing (or even doubtful about what constitutes) abuse. Thank you
HSP, the concept, is unfortunately ableist because the woman who invented it just had autistic nephews, but she wanted to find a special diagnosis for them, essentially. She didn't want to admit they had autism because she felt that reelected poorly on her. If you look at the diagnostic criteria for HSP, it's just kinder and less judgemental language than the current DSM's criteria for autism
HSP isn’t just autism, it can describe BPD and NPD. People with BPD and NPD can be either autistic or allistic, unfortunately when they are also autistic, the BPD and NPD tends to get ignored or regarded as ‘just part of their autism’ by their family/enablers, and by health professionals.. which it very much is not!! -I’m saying this as someone who is autistic and has been abused by both autistic and allistic people with NPD and BPD. Not to mention, that people who do have BPD or NPD, but don’t want to admit it because of perceived stigma regarding those diagnoses, will often align themselves with the idea that they are HSP, my mother for example has worked in mental health for her whole career, and spent a decade looking down on and talking disparagingly of patients with BPD.. she only recently got appropriate therapy for her own long unmanaged and undiagnosed BPD, but the only way she was able to get that was for her therapist to frame it in a way that completely separated her therapeutic approach from the diagnosis of BPD, because even mentioning the idea that my mum could have BPD was too injurious to her ego, she would never continue seeing a therapist that even suggested it lmao so she gets the ‘highly sensitive person’ treatment, like so many others who are too in their egos to abide a diagnosis like BDP or NPD, but will happily twist the narrative to HSP so they cam feel special and ‘treating the symptoms without a diagnosis’ because the diagnosis would be too offensive to them lmao
@@unistudent4002 oh no, I'm talking about the actual history of HSPs. I'm not stating an opinion, I'm stating facts. The woman who created the concept was literally just rebranding autism because she's ableist. 🤷♀️
@@amandasunshine2I was going to say this, because that happened to me. It was awful facing stigma from mental health “professionals” with that label attached to me, which is problematic on its own but especially because I didn’t even have it. They slapped that label on me when I was freshly 18 after knowing me for 2 hours, and it affected my ability to get care anywhere for years. Many years later I found out I have autism and CPTSD and I genuinely think most people with a BPD diagnosis probably do as well because providers suck at assessing/are lazy/don’t even know what the diagnostic criteria even means. I’ve had several medical professionals tell me “you don’t look autistic?” As if it’s a disability that comes with set physical features. BPD feels more like a modern day hysteria diagnosis than anything, based on my experience and what I’ve read other people share. Even people who feel it’s an appropriate diagnosis for themselves will share they went through awful, awful abuse usually early on in life to become that way, so it feels quite evil to stigmatize victims like people do.
I always feel conflicted talking about toxic/abusive relationships, because i know i was not great to my Ex. I never wanted to hurt him, but between being frustrated with his manupulative/abusive family, and my extreme emotional instability, he suffered too much. It took a couple years to stabalize, but we are much better as friends than partners.
So, I have a friend who I helped through her divorce from her narc husband and also talked her through another abusive relationship she got in. Sometimes it's better to send videos like these because it's a third party that's saying it because, and I experienced this with my friend often, that the rose colored glasses were too strong. Or not sending the video but pointing out the same points so that it helps them eventually realize what's going on. It took months of talking to my friend and one time she said well it's fine most of the time we just argue (which really him screaming at her) sometimes so I turned that around and said well he doesn't hit you all the time just sometimes. That's just me though. If my friend asks for my advice then I'm just going to give it to them straight even if it hurts. I acknowledge that it probably will but that I'm still saying it because I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
I just went through a pretty messy breakup myself. I don't know if this helps, but most of the books I've read on the subject recommend going No Contact
This all describes my last Ex boyfriend. Who literally check every box and yet it took me 1 and a half year to finally breakup with him and now im trying to heal myself from the year long burnout ive built from people pleasing and letting myself become his drug. Im really happy you made this video since its helping clearing up my mind and perspective of him and relationship i was in. Again Thank you so much. Your vids are very healing to watch and helpful for many of the struggles i run in to. Its also because of my friends and family and a therapist that i was able to get out ^w^
Such a good video❤ I spent years in abusive relationship, first half of it I thought that my partner was sensitive and wounded. But then why was he so rude?🙈
After months i convinced my ex to see a therapist, and I'm pretty sure his therapist figured out he was abusing me because then he started projecting and saying wild things about how abusive and manipulative I was when i did things like stand up for myself. He never uttered the word "abuse" before starting therapy. I'm positive he'd talk about his treatment of me like it was fine because he genuinely believed it was. Then it got to the point where he stopped talking about therapy altogether and it became this monster he was frightened of, because he didnt want someone holding him accountable.
Also to mention my ex was behaving very inappropriately at work. He would regularly touch and harass his co workers and would flirt and make sexual advances towards minors …
Thank you! This is a great video. To this day, I am still furious about the Heard/Depp trial and how abuse was sooooooo misrepresented by people who didn't know the first thing about it. Some people seemed to equate abuse with physical violence so, in their minds, someone couldn't possibly be abusive if they hadn't physically harmed someone. But as you point out here, abuse is so much more than that! I really worried - and still worry - that people in abusive relationships would think insults, tantrums, refusal to work on emotional regulation, giving extravagant gifts, etc were ok because they were never physically harmed. And, on the reverse side of that, if someone _is_ physically violent, people seemed to believe that's automatically abuse. I suspect people want a simple way to identify abuse, but you can't look at one action in isolation and say it's a pattern. Anyway, thanks for this! Another thing that I wish people would learn is how to spot DARVO.
The discovery of psychedelics as a mental health treatment is a groundbreaking achievement. Their ability to alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety is nothing short of astonishing. On a personal note, they have been a lifesaver, helping me overcome challenges that once seemed insurmountable.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
My biggest missed red flag was that I couldn't bring up anything he did or try to have a conversation about hurt feelings or unmet needs without him taking it and twisting it into an all day argument during which I mostly naively continued trying to calmy reason with his blatant toxic irrationality, then trying to end the conversation repeatedly only for him to respond with questions or accusations he knew would get me to keep responding. Then he'd be in a bad mood, which was my fault for picking a fight and for "always being so overly critical" of him when all I ever wanted was a brief calm dicussion. I realized way too late that it wasn't just a sensitive guy with a bit of a temper, but someone who is intentionally causing distress and simply can't be reasoned with.
THIS. They really do play up the "I'm just really sensitive and I just got frustrated"....like no, sir, you acted like a toddler having a tantrum except you're twice my size and I'm afraid of you. It's wild how I'm now having conversations with other ppl and not getting yelled at or given the silent treatment for having needs! Who knew that was possible 🤷🏼♀️
That sounds familiar. I am not talking to people who try to make me believe that reality isn’t real. Get on with that nonsense. I’m too smart, too resilient and too sane to fall for that pitiful trap.
@@JS-dv9ji 🎯 They just love to play the victim after they systematically abuse us for years. 🙄
My *dad* literally told me no one would believe me the last time I texted with him because i confronted him about things I never had. We are no contact now.
I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better 🩷 thank you for sharing. Currently going through it. Your comment eases some discomfort for me. I feel so bad for confronting mine about csa. I'm strong enough now to know what he thinks changes nothing. Wishing you healing and peace 🩷
I just had my young brother get in my face and I’m the bad guy because I didn’t let it go and the whole family scape goat me and say I’m too sensitive or whatever.
They hold court on my lawn and I brought negativity. True crimes. Kicked out for being angry. Old wounds really sting and all for naught and of course my Marc dad apologized after straight up after I’m sweating in my car in an emotional spiral.
I flipped out while holding hands and smudging.
At that point my brother had been mocking me for an hour and putting hands in my face …. And they all take umbrage with my anger bringing up a cat house they built and were trying to give me.
He literally put his face up against mine after calling me a liar and all this shit. I lost it and shoved him with my face and told him he ain’t strong and he bolts out the door and slams it on my hand. Fucker came in the house and hides and I’m the bad guy.
Door he slammed on me is busted.
I’m the bad guy.
Dad came over I shouldn’t have gone outside. It was just as bad as years ago arguing with them, and they just gang up on me.
These rage issues when confronted and I’m the bad guy.
My dad also said I was the source of the problems or whatever. That and mom inspired dad-hate
@@averyeich9726 as a fellow scapegoat I feel this 💔 how they always manage to turn it around on us is astounding. It is a betrayal for me. We shouldn't have to deal with this especially from family. Even with bruises they still refuse to see. I hope your hand is okay? 🩷 look after yourself. F them guys. You know the truth 😊 you have a right to be angry. They love to make us feel guilty for showing anger. But they can rage all they want. Hypocrites.
@@averyeich9726 I'm so so sorry you had to go through that. Family systems can be so messed up and you don't deserve that.
Anyone who's going through this, take it from me: cut your losses and leave the second you notice it/as soon as you're able to. Your love CANNOT change them. And please, listen to your gut!!! If they give you the ick or you find yourself confused over small things or you just sense something is off, GTFO. Do not stay and try to figure them out, and don't doubt your instincts. I wish I'd known this stuff ten years ago. Now I'm entangled and trying to rebuild my life from the ground up. My abuser used ADHD and RSD as an excuse for every bad behavior, and never followed through with treatment. I thought I was being loyal by staying and helping him. I now realize he was manipulating and using me. He took my money, my health, and at times, my will to live. These people are drowning, and they will drown you with them if you get too close. They'll even get mad at you for thrashing around too much. SAVE YOURSELF.
THIS, absolutely! I too wish I'd known about this stuff years and years ago. I wish I'd known about the cycle of abuse, red flags to look out for. I know it now, though, and today I'm not willing to put up with any of it. As soon as I notice red flags, I'm done and OUT! I don't have the time or the energy to deal with other people's bs anymore. I need to save myself!
SECONDING THIS, don’t take the chance that it’ll get worse than you ever could have possibly imagined. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly, whether you believe that or not. You DESERVE to be with someone who is willing to develop their place in your life gradually, not expect you to open up your entire world and immediately place them in the middle of it while you’re, at best, on the outskirts of their life.
If they seem to really not like being with you but are staying with you anyway like that’s a favor to you, RUN. RUN SO FAR AWAY.
I had this experience, too. My partner used his ADHD and anxiety to excuse his angry outbursts and to justify giving me the silent treatment. So far he’s done everything in this video. I never saw it like this, I only had good faith in his actions. Sigh.
THIRDING THIS! I worked with DV survivors for several years, but I wasn’t able to see the signs of emotional abuse in my own relationship until recently. The confusion is truly unreal in the wake of separation because he got so deep into my head. I have intrusive thoughts all day long about “what if *I’m* the bad guy?” He’s made me question everything about myself.
I'm in the thick of it, and every time I see this message, it gives me much needed strength and confidence. ❤
I feel like an important note on being sensitive vs having a sentisitve ego for people who are very sensitive emotionally, is that someone can pretend to be completely emotionless and still have sensitive egos.
Think you try to communicate a boundary because a behavior hurts your feelings and instead of negotiating they turn it into an attack on them and insist you are being dramatic and overbearing. Even if its in a calm even voice with a clear face.
TRUE!
So basically my aunt 😮💨
irl, abusive relationships are so nuanced and can make it harder to not only determine what is happening and to prove what is happening. For this reason, this video is super helpful.
Hard agree. I think one aspect I'd like to see pointed out more regarding abuse is it's often insanely subtle & multi-layered. Ppl picture it being right out in the open & easy to spot, but it very rarely is. The screwed up bit is you usually have to go through it before you can accurately recognize it.
There were tons of things that I didn't recognize as subtle abuse tactics & many things I didn't even know were happening. The layers of triangulation & smear campaigns between me & others? I didn't find out about until after our 15 yr relationship ended when ppl finally started telling me! It took me a couple yrs to catch him in the act of moving & hiding my stuff in this twisted little gaslighting game he was playing with me to make me doubt my memory & perception. The subtle jokes & jabs were played off so well that I didn't take as much offense to them as I should have.
@@justacoginthefkery reading through this I’m beggining to get a grip about how it’s so subte, it’s so… _evil._ I think I’m beginning to realise how this is actually the stuff of nightmares, to constantly getting subjected to such behaviour for _years._ From the bottom of my heart I congratulate you for saving yourself. God knows I can only guess how difficult it was.. I wish clairvoyance and resilience to everyone who go through such stuff. And the ability to learn from others for who don’t.
My dad is extremely sensitive. You cannot tell him he's wrong. I've never heard him admit being wrong about when the most mundane things. Now I am a parent and I am taking every opportunity to let my kid know when I was wrong about something or made a mistake and apologize when I do things that upset him. I just don't want him to grow up walking on eggshells and questioning his own reality like I did.
This is so awesome. Thank you for breaking the cycle and trying to be an adult your kids can trust. modelling humility and growth is so so so important and impressive! Your kids will have those skills to pass onto their kids. Bravo. ❤
This is amazing, and I absolutely do the same. I admit when I'm wrong, and I apologize. I don't get mad, we talk about things, and my kids come to me with problems. I never felt comfortable doing that with my own mother. I love her, and she did the best she could I think at the time, but I'm aiming higher with my own kids
Sending this to my mom next time she guilts me for cutting contact with my dad lol
Ooof yeah, this SO describes my abusive mother it’s not even remotely funny. It applies to all kinds of relationships, toxic friendships and family relationships included!!!!
Hi I want everyone to know that one of the BEST abusive relationship dynamics depictions I’ve ever seen in media (MA degree in English, I know my shit) is in Tuca and Bertie Season 2 between Tuca and Kara, Kara being the abuser. They do SUCH A FUCKING GOOD JOB showing all the early warning signs, how Kara breeds exactly the dependency Mickey is talking about, how she isolates Tuca from her best friend, how she publicly humiliates Tuca in a really subtle and insidious way. It’s genuinely creepy to see how much Kara changes Tuca in just a few weeks. The show contrasts their dynamic so beautifully with the healthy relationship between Bertie and Speckle. Granted, Bertie and Speckle aren’t perfect and have had their their own fair share of rocky times, but they consistently choose each other and grow together.
Tuca and Bertie does such an incredible job acknowledging how awful it feels to be in Tuca’s position, I won’t spoil it bc it needs to be experienced in context to be understood.
Mickey if you’re ever able to cover this I would be eternally grateful, maybe one day if I figure out how to edit shit and get a fancy microphone I’ll do it myself lol
Tuca and Bertie helped me so much which distinguishing normal relationship conflict and people making dumb choices that can be moved past vs unsafe people.
Huh maybe I finally will check out this show! It's been on my list for ages
Tuca and Bertie fans! We love to see it. Such a good t.v. show.
Editing videos can be relaxing. I recommend you try it.
That's my favorite show. Can't believe it was cancelled twice!
The frustrating part is that in my experience, the “forbidden topics” aren’t always explicitly outlined, and the punishment for bringing them up can be subtle and manipulative. It’s not always yelling - it can also look like withdrawing all love and support for a while.
It’s taken me a year to realize that I was with someone abusive, and I would have NEVER imagined seeing him this way… and seeing stuff like this unfortunately confirms I have a long way to go…. My ex was constantly teasing me and said some really mean things in that. But I loved his sense of humor right 🙄🙄🙄it was also mostly in public (at work, because we were coworkers…) but would then turn into this weird sweet little bean one on one. He made a joke one time about “feeding my cats to coyotes” and that just stopped me in my tracks and made me re think his entire deal. Suddenly it all hits at once months later actually watching a true crime podcast... and hearing a story of a murderer make a similar type of joke to his victim!! All this shame and anger floods in with memories…The creepy incest jokes, him hitting me sooo friggin hard while play fighting when I didn’t even want to participate, saying he had no interest in meeting any of my friends and only wanting to hang out solo… It’s funny how he tried to come off as this super developed, mature higher than thou person and I still respected him sooo highly for so long even after all that. Damn girl😢 it was so bad and I was just taking it and head over heels…
It’s okay. I went through similar experiences with my ex. Healing and peace is possible 💚
Don't blame yourself. If abusers made it super easy to spot their horrific actions then nobody would ever fall into those types of relationships. Now that you can spot the signs you can avoid relationships like that in the future. Abuse is never the victim's fault.
The phrase she sayd '' When it's good it't really good, when it's bad it's really bad'' That was SO true. I resonated with that SO MUCH. I had a toxic friendship that had the cycle of abuse in it.
Another oft-overlooked way that abusers can isolate their partners from community, friends, and family is by poaching those relationships. This might look like never getting to see your friends one on one or like the abuser cultivating close relationships with your support people. I've seen this a lot in marginalized communities, where it's not unusual to have overlap in friend groups and support spaces. Having a shared community is not the problem; not having a safe support system that is only one's own is! (And for people who are wondering why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship, this is one of many examples of a situation that's not as simple as "just leave")
This happened to me. I didn't know what was going on. I felt jealous for no longer having my own safe people and being secondary with all my friends compared to my now xwife especially given she met them through.e. And I felt guilt and shame for the jealousy. I was punished when I mourned a friend that was no longer my friend because the relationship was subsumed by her. My wanting friends completely separate from her and being upset that I had no more friends was 'controlling'.
The relationship ended when she left me for my 'best friend'.
Thank you for your comment. I hadn't heard of this happening to other people.
Thanks for saying this! My abusive ex became friends with my ONLY remaining friend after we broke up. During our relationship said ex was always asking to be included when I hung out with this friend. It always quietly infuriated me and I could never figure out why. I didn't listen to my gut during that whole relationship and only after it was over did I understand what was happening to me.
Great point!
Can confirm! And I missed those red flags because my ex was the flavor of narcissist who isolated me from friends so I thought it was good that ex #2 always wanted to go to all my friend things 🙄
He’s get mad at me during these occasions and put my own friends against me - or just death stare me from across the room if I talked to anyone .. and my friends never saw a thing 🥵 so I thought it was all me. For years!
Yes! & if they notice that there's ppl they can't fool, they'll demonize them for no real reason ("I just don't like them & I don't think they're healthy for you") or triangulate you so that you eventually cut them off willingly. Or they'll do an advanced smear on you with family, friends or their coworkers, essentially poison their perception of you ahead of time so that when you do meet them, not only do they not like you, it'll have you questioning yourself as to why.
You know what's a really important thing for people to know that would be an interesting video for you to do? The difference between people's actions being just their disorders/personality/quirks, and them just being an asshole. Too many people I've noticed now have been using their mental disorders/etc as excuses to be terrible people, and I know a lot of people have a hard time knowing when to try to help the person acting a certain way and knowing when to put their foot down and really break off that toxicity. I feel it would help a lot of people.
Very complex topic, but yeah. Knowing when to draw a line even if it is just symptoms, and how to offer help from behind VERY firm boundaries could be part of the same video.
YES. Please. I think the wider awareness of mental health struggles is a net good, but it comes with a need for education to make sure the topic isn’t used to justify nasty behavior.
See this makes me so upset because my boyfriend is an ass and likes to play dumb. Unknown to me. For years his best friends have been telling him what he should be working on and they tried to help him. He lies to me saying non of that is true.
Speaking as a multi-disabled POC with ptsd and autism galore... There is no excuse. An explanation is just info to help you navigate more effectively. Thats NOT the same as an excuse. If someone is claiming that xyz MADE them act some way...or if they say that they didnt have a choice...Thats a lie. There is never a reason that having a disability is the SAME as having no choice or responsibility for your actions. I know that ptsd and autism cause me to have large and crushing emotional reactions. But feeling a strong feeling is NOT permission to treat anyone around me a certain way, demand favors or no consequences from those actions, or act out my emotions and make it everyone else's problem (self soothing). This idea that being disabled/flawed=permission to act bad is just ableism or manipulation. There is NO good reason to be an asshole or to expect other people to pretend they arent hurt/valid. I have a predisposition to push people away. But im also on the hook every single time it happens because im responsible for my own life & actions. And if i did that, I need to figure my shit out so that i can repair, learn, and grow the skills to be better. The way forward is accountability not excuses (willful incompetence)
DITTO!!!!!! Someone I know who has OCD is apparently triggered by how I move my own body when around them and is very controlling of how those around them move their own bodies, like how they sit, or how they gesture. It's very hard for me to be around them and remain supportive.
I’ve been struggling recently trying to figure out if I was a bad partner bc no matter what I did, even following her rules to a tee, I couldn’t make her happy or it was never enough. This explains everything so dang clearly holy cow
Her wanting you to follow "rules" and you feeling like it was never enough is the first red flag. You might just not have been ultimately compatible, but that's not how a relationship is supposed to be.
@@powderandpaint14 I can’t be sure if we were compatible-she represented herself as a completely different person when we first met-like we founded our relationship on mutual values. When I started to notice that her actions didn’t line up to with her stated values-she would chastise me for judging her and accuse me of treating her the same way people she says have abused her in the past. So I started to believe that I was abusing her somehow, despite my best efforts not to. When she said she couldn’t remember why she loved me bc of how badly I hurt her and wanted me to make a list of all the things I think I bring to the relationship that is a healthy and beneficial to her…I pointed out how hurtful this was and she said bc I was being combative and defensive she “frees herself of all accountability” and dumped me. She made me feel like an asset and not a human and didn’t care as long as she got what she needed from me.
I feel duped and used, but I’m worthy of love and I will learn from this.
I've never had a partner but I had this experience when interacting with my parents.
Would it be possible for you to do a follow up video for people who suspect their loved one is in an abusive relationship - what signs to watch out for and what to do to help
There’s an excellent book called Why Does He Do That, you can still find the full pdf for free pretty easily if you Google for it. There’s an entire very detailed section on how to be a support “anchor”.
In general, I’ve found that it helps especially in early stages to show surprise and gentle but honest concern that someone would want to treat your friend or loved one that way. Show them that no, they aren’t crazy, this isn’t normal or okay.
I’ve also found it helps to try and hypothetically put yourself in the abuser’s shoes, then compare how you would treat your loved one with how the abuser treats them. For example, my ex-friend’s ex-HORRIBLY abusive partner hated me once I smelled the shit they were trying to make my friend deal with. Even after they were broken up, once when my friend and I were hanging out for a girls’ weekend at her place, this person texted them basically saying they were upset about something and asked my friend to *kick me out* so that they could come over and hang out with her instead. I said to her, I would never dream of doing that?? My friend’s ex and I knew each other, and we used to all be friends. If anything, I’d apologize for interrupting and ask my friend if their guest was okay with me coming over and joining the two of them for a little support. I would NEVER ask a friend outright to make someone else leave just so I could lean on them.
I think it really helped things click for her, she knew I would never treat her that way and it gave her something concrete to compare it to.
Don’t make it your life’s mission to get them out, that will only confuse them further and make them feel ashamed, which their abuser will take full advantage of. Also try to set a good example with your own personal boundaries, don’t let them treat you abusively either or hold them to a different standard than you would any other friend or loved one going through a stressful time.
That would be SO useful. Especially advice about approaching them without sounding accusatory or passive aggressive, and how to leave communication open. Making sure they still feel they can reach out to you in the future, even if they blow up or go silent now, and such. Sadly, that would be a great resource.
Don’t be disheartened if it takes a while for them to leave. It took a while for me to leave. First I had to accept that it was abuse because I wasn’t being hit. I had to get stronger, which is hard when you’re isolated. I was afraid of losing my kids and almost did because my first lawyer wasn’t terribly effective. I don’t think she was good for abuse cases. I finally told myself, though, that I was showing my kids that it was okay not to respect women, and I couldn’t stay and be part of the reason the cycle continued. I’d recommend that you go to the library and get a couple books. Skim through them and see if you see any scenarios that sound like your loved one. Good luck to you both.
OMG it's my mom. Ugh... I was JUST feeling like maybe she's not as bad as I think. Thanks for making this video and preventing me from making a dumb mistake to reach out to her.
Same, I'm at my parents' right now, but I know when I'm not living with them or sometimes when they're being decent I feel like they're not as bad. Learning not to trust that is hard
This is my dad to a T. I'm still stuck living with him and I don't know how to get out. I have no job prospects. I've got ADHD, autism, and PTSD from his abuse. My mom can't help me. My city has no resources. None of my friends have resources. I can't keep living like this, but I have no way forward.
Why can't your Mom help you? You could look into claiming disability, I know it often takes a few attempts but people do get it eventually. You could also look into supported housing for people with disabilities. If you don't have resources in your city look for organisations more widely. You could atleast get some advice.
Where are you based? Depending on your age and where you live there are services you can reach out to. I'm not saying it'll be easy- it may include talking about the abuse and sometimes alot/confusing paperwork. It can be easy to give up but it's always better to at least try and get out- wishing you all the best x
It's not hopeless, there are trade schools, job corps, medicade for low income, FASFA, non-profits, etc. one of my best friends has ADHD, autism, PTSD AND Bipolar. She recently started working as a chemistry teacher at a high school. It's not hopeless, it's just finding the resources because they are out there. (Also even making a throwaway account on Reddit and posting on a subreddit can provide a wealth of resources as well).
@infinitecurlie I understand this sentiment, but I wanted to point a few things out for the people in similar situations who may be lacking important resources. Not everyone qualifies for Medicaid and school can take a lot of time and money to complete. Especially when someone's already burned out from just trying to survive. FAFSA does not guarantee someone won't have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to get a degree and while your friend may share some of the same diagnoses as the OP, that doesn't mean their experiences with them are the same. Also there can be concerns about privacy (not wanting your abuser to know where you're located, etc.) or housing security (let alone wanting to take everything with you, which is really difficult for a college student to do), on top of needing to have money (and likely their own car) to even secure housing in the first place.
I know a lot of this may be U.S.-focused and I do hope that these resources you listed can be helpful to people. I think it's important to remember, though, that we're talking about someone fleeing abuse and to remember the lack of resources abuse can be marked by. It may seem a lot easier to leave than it actually is, given the heavy amount of resources (and mentally energy, which is already running low) it takes to leave or to get the resources needed to leave. I agree that I don't think things are hopeless. But I do think it's important to remember the situation someone could be in (or ask) before trying to give them solutions
See if you can work at a local museum, especially a kid-friendly one!!! They are the chillest places to work and I wish I had thought of it sooner.
Could you make a video about the differences between this and BPD?
(Emotional dysregulation vs refusing to regulate, highs and lows due to one’s own distress vs controlling the other, etc)
I have BPD and the stigma of us being ‘inherently’ abusive and manipulative people is so harmful. Especially because we are very likely to be victims of abuse and to not be believed.
Also a video about emotional abuse from parents would be pretty cool, specifically for the scapegoat or ‘problem’ child
I don't think BPD is in Mickey's wheelhouse, so while I think this is a great idea in general, they really shouldn't be the one to do it. She has definitely given misinformation in the past when talking about personality disorders they don't specialise in.
For parental emotional abuse, try Doctor Ramani and Patrick Teahan! Dr. Ramani specialises in NPD, and Teahan is a clinical social worker who specialises in childhood trauma & dysfunctional family systems.
I am pretty sure that If people can regulate themselves, they do. The inability to regulate one’s emotions leads to abuse. Even when it’s a part of a diagnosis it’s still abuse. Just because it’s not intentional doesn’t mean it’s not abusive.
@@subplot I follow both of those, they’re really awesome. Maybe she could do a collaboration with a therapist well versed in BPD? I think they would both have such a unique lens and ability to dissect human struggling vs using struggling to abuse.
@@UrbanomicInteriors this is really ableist and not acceptable. A lot of people are not able to regulate themselves because of the mental illness they have, and they should still seek help and put effort into improving that, but “if they wanted to they would” is a really ableist sentiment based on judgement and ignorance of something you don’t personally struggle with.
Also there are many people who struggle with emotional regulation who are *not* abusive and to say that is to say that essentially people with BPD or CPTSD or bipolar are inherently abusive and could decide not to have their mental illness if they just chose to.
This is tricky because while bpd doesn't make someone inherently abusive, many people with BPD are abusers
Also can you make a video on Matt Walsh’s recent horrific parenting advice?
He essentially encourages using a belt to inflict pain on your child and that they should be terrified of you, because otherwise they’ll end up being a “whiny, depressed, selfish entitled brat”
Cuz clearly the generations of spilled over big macho man anger and incapacity for emotional vulnerability did so well to land us to this point.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as a teenager, and one of the biggest parts was what you talked about with structuring the relationship around his emotions. I was scared to do anything and felt like I was walking on eggshells constantly. I really wish they taught us things like this alongside sex ed. I don't think just seeing our parents and other adults' relationships as models is enough to teach us about healthy and unhealthy relationships.
After I split w my ex and described what was going on in the relationship to my mum she always said that he was abusive and it had a lot of coercive control. I kind of brushed it off bc, and it sounds silly, he was never violent towards me (did once smash a plate and threaten to break all my shit).
Looking at this video it ticks off so many things. Especially the “joking” bullying.
It bothered me so much AND confused me bc I could never understand why he didn’t just stop when I’d asked so many times. He just told me I have no sense of humour. I just didn’t understand why he found it so funny to be mean to me. It sounds so obvious now, but it’s a really confusing situation to be in.
He cheated, and honestly I’m thankful for it bc it made me finally leave, though leaving was complicated and he kept insinuating that he might “do something” to himself. It’s been a few years and I am still intentionally single bc I never wanna be in that position again.
I don't really comment, but I really needed this today, thank you. I've been contemplating getting back in touch with an ex that my therapist helped me understand was abusive, but I still find hard to wrap my head around because of the declarations of love. Watching this helped me piece together memories that I'd hidden away and keep it so I won't go back
Don’t go back. You got this ❤
There are 7 billion other humans on this planet. Don't waste your precious resources on the one who is awful to you. Find positive, supportive people and make _that_ type of relationship your new comfort zone.
I got invited to a retreat where you have to be invited, someone has to sponsor you, and the amount of money is not cheap, and family are not allowed at a special event that takes place during the 72 hours you're there...only those who have previously gone through the program...uh, retreat. Family or friends are also not allowed to come to ongoing community events they hold every month without having attended this retreat. It definitely feels like isolation from loved ones. They put little gifts on your bed multiple times per day to show you that you are loved (love bombing). I've been in a relationship with an abuser, and hearing you describe this explains why all my alarm bells were going off through the weekend. The group was using covert abuse tactics. The lady who sponsored me has overstepped my boundaries in other ways. My friend and family have told me they do not think she is safe for me. Your video just clarified some things for me. Thank you!
Landmark, Inc.?
@@rawilliams5881 No, unfortunately, it was a religious retreat. But your question is interesting. It shows me there are many groups using the same tactics.
It sounds like this came at the perfect time to save you from a potentially dangerous association!
@@Ann963 Yes.
Sounds cult-like. Cults have a lot of similar tactics to individual abusers, especially isolation/controlling who you can interact with and under what circumstances. I hope you're safe.
Anyone who suffers from an abusive relationship: please, if you ‘ve fallen into the isolation trap and feel like you made the mistake of cutting your safe people off; I know it might feel harrowing but please don’t be ashamed and reach out to them. Reignite that connection! It will literally save you. Especially if they’re understanding people.
And people who KNOW a loved one who suffers from an abusive relationship: please, oh please, don’t abandon them even if they want to cut you off. I know it’s difficult, but please be resilient and be patient. This stubborn grip on our relationship with my aunt, when she was actively rejecting us, is literally how me and my mom saved my aunt’s mental wellbeing from her husband’s emotional and social abuse.
If you do more videos about this - I hear SO often about how abusive people or "narcissists" are so calculating. How they do X because "they know" it will cause you to feel Y and then do Z. But my ex - there's NO way he thought these things through. He did not have the capacity to understand the emotional reaction I would have to anything. Or the behaviors that would result. Sure, he probably eventually had an intituve sense that if he turned things around and started bringing up some past mistake of mine, then i would stop trying to get him to answer for his behavior. But most of the time, he was just lashing out because he wasn't getting what he wanted and couldn't control his emotions. There was no calculation behind it. But I don't hear of those types of abuse talked about nearly as often as these supposed cold, calculated, well-planned out kinds.
Please look up "alexthymia" and "Cassandra Syndrome." Whether or not that rings a bell, I agree- that stuff needs to be talked about more.
THIS. The whole “abuser as cold blooded monster” trope isn’t exactly conducive to rehabilitation or even real understanding. Like, I acknowledge those people exist, but it feels far more likely that most people exhibiting abusive behaviors are not introspective enough to be self aware and to see how poorly they treat the people they claim to love. Most people don’t walk around thinking “how can I make this person’s life worse today and send them spiraling?” Like you said, it’s more of a reactive behavior toward not getting what they want and not knowing how else to “fix” whatever situation provoked their anger/frustration/fear/whatever. This feels far more human and far simpler to address with the right therapeutic interventions.
@@ViolentSaphireYeah nowadays every abuser is a narcissist. Not that a lot aren’t but sometimes shitty behaviour doesn’t have a narrow diagnosis or that label has a lot of misleading strings attached.
Yeah I think overall abuse is about someone prioritizing their own needs to the point of wanting to control their partner. Regardless of how calculated or spur of the moment the abusive behavior is. I won’t say they’re all narcissistic but ego & entitlement is definitely a factor. And if the abuser is a man abusing a woman or afab person, misogyny as well.
I do think there are some people who are just lacking introspection & emotional regulation; but you only know that’s the what’s happening if they make an active effort to improve & see results. Which is rare.
agree! I dont think its about intent at all. People DO tend to do this subconsciously. It makes so much sense to explain outright but in the moment it usually is like you've described--the person lashes out because they dont have healthy models or coping skills and they continue to choose to stay the same despite evidence of harm. It isnt always about wanting to punish or control BUT it is still an ongoing choice not to value or respect that other person when you need a pickup/nanny. Intent matters less than impact. People KNOW when they have issues that look like this (dismissive about harm to others), even if they dont have a clear or honest narrative about it with themselves. Even if they dont know why, they still know they're choosing to soothe themself at the expense of other people.
Thanks for putting this out there! I'm sad to say that it took my ex threatening to go into the woods and shoot himself with his shotgun if I broke up with him to realize basically every aspect of our relationship was driven by his coercive control. I finally left him over a decade ago and the mental scars he left are healing but do still impact me. I wish it was something talked about more when I was a young adult, but I'm so happy it's part of more mainstream conversations today! I hope your video reaches the right people so they can find safety and healing too, and so that some people can avoid partners like this altogether.
I had a relationship like that when I was very young, early 20s. He constantly threatened me, was violent, and controlled every part of my life. He was so overtly, obviously abusive, but I grew up in a severely abusive family, so I didn't know I had a choice. It's now 40 years later and I've done a lot of healing, but the scars remain. I also experienced lots of other more covertly abusive relationships over the years (emotional/verbal abuse, mind games, etc), so that definitely didn't help! Fortunately I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to put up with abusive behavior of any kind. As soon as I see red flags, I'm out!
God that sounds like my parents when I was a kid 😑 “MaYbE i ShOuLd Go OuT bAcK aNd HaNg MySeLf”. Like ok lol I bet my right arm you won’t considering this is like the 50th time you’ve said that. Your 9 year old ain’t a therapist sweetie, I just learned how to do long division last week good luck thinking I’m equipped to deal with your clusterfuck of a psyche lmao. Man people who say that to manipulate others are jerks. Sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that crap. I’m so glad you got out of the relationship and survived ❤
This is such an important topic. I was in an abusive marriage, but my family and community treated it like it was normal. I was miserable but no one could see it, until my online friends heard my then husband in the background of our Skype calls while we were gaming. I had two different friends, from different circles, tell me in the same week "That's abuse" and if it hadn't been both of them I might not have taken them seriously. I'm glad I was able to find a new community that is truly supportive, I've healed so much and am helping my children heal too.
I would love a video on how to notice if your own behavior is drifting from "flawed person struggling to take accountability" into abusive territory. Looking back on some of my own behavior as a teen and in my early 20s I'm pretty horrified.
We were very young and both pretty horrible to each other, but I would love to hear any advice on how to monitor your own behavior. I'm much older and wiser now, but it's not something I see talked about very often, especially in queer friendly spaces.
I think most people are horrified at some of the things they did in their teens and young adulthood. Seeing that means you've grown.
You're so right. I had no idea i was being abused until someone told me. We're not taught enough all the different ways abuse presents itself and the ways we allow it to proliferate
I understand that this is about romantic partner abuse, but I’ve seen, especially in my own personal case, that I’ve seen it in my family members and some former friends. I tend to live on the more sensitive side and have made statements that I have the emotional capacity of like five people instead of one person. Mostly because my family tend to hit some of the points mentioned. The big ones especially being the teasing and then being dismissive of my concerns then going into not apologizing. As well as the gaslighting and such. It’s been a long road to process and accept from former relationships but the familial ones are still a difficult place to be in. But knowledge is power for me and since I know better I can do better.
Yes, this advice is equally applicable to friends and family, as well as romantic partners. Basically, anyone you interact with on a regular basis, who is a part of your life. I have had to cut off family members and friends these past few years, because I couldn't deal with the emotional and mental mind games and manipulation anymore.
Most therapy, psychiatric, substance abuse, and other discussion or writing emphasizes romantic partners, and straight ones in particular. When it's a sibling, and when the enablers are your parents, all you hear is crickets.
Thanks so much for covering this. Recognition and response to non physical forms of violence was my PhD topic. It's so important that more people know what to look for.
Omg I used to describe my last relationship as "when he's good he's great, the rest of the time he's a first class A-hole". I was in denial for so long, excusing his abusive behavior as "he's just opinionated", or "he's just very particular", when in reality he was actually controlling and manipulative.
Never ignore your intuition, if something feels like a red flag, it's probably because it is.
I was in an abusive relationship that i got out of almost 10 years ago. The trauma still affects me to this day, something I continue to work on in therapy. One thing I struggle with is doubting myself, telling myself it wasn’t that bad, that my ex wasn’t actually abusive. Even though i felt like i was walking on eggshells constantly.
This video today made me feel extremely validated. Thank you!
My partner doesn’t do anything like this, but my sister sure does most of it. Our family therapist got sucked in perpetuating to the dynamic. We’re on a break now.
Of course your therapist got sucked in! So will your family, your co-workers and everyone else. "Yabbit, yabbit Familyyy! Bibble, babble, forgiiiiive!"
I started to ask the flying monkeys whether I too was family, and at which point would I be entitled to some protection or support instead of being the dedicated punching bag. That tends to make them go away.
Sometimes I imagine my dad giving me advice from a place that he had no ego. I know that if he had all the therapy he needed, he would only want me to be better and feel better. He’d even want me to prioritize myself over his feelings because he wants me to have a good life. Unfortunately, in the real life, there’s a lot more there than just support and understanding. But it helps ground me in the reality that, my father has toxic behavior that he doesn’t know how to live without, and it means little about the real situation at hand. Still, I wish I didn’t have to navigate this for both myself, my father, and my mother.
Hi, new sub here 🤗🩷 great video! There's so many subtle things they do that most people won't pick up on. That can lead to feeling like its all in my head. The fake nice after abuse or bullying is frustrating. Pretend like it never happened 🤫 if I bring it up, i am the problem. (In their mind anyways)
I'm trying to get away from my parents. They aren't safe. I don't trust them.
Personally i get a ton of guilt trips. When i had panic attacks around my mother oh man. She grabs me and pulls me, yells at me, tells me im being over dramatic, stop hyperventilating! Calm down! Then she verbally attacks me after it. Tells me "i know you've got issues but for once in your life why can't you just think about me"
Im usually too scared to respond. I just run.
I never had a romantic relationship that was abusive but I did have an abusive roommate for a while and it was so hard to recognize the signs and even when I started going 'wait a second something isn't right here' I thought I was crazy, and when I was trying to reach out for help, most people thought I was making too big a deal of it because 'oh you can just stop being roommates.' Not always tho.
THIS. I've had more than one abusive platonic situation (and am in a situation I can't honestly tell now). Roommates are really bad for the "leave one, pressured by the need to find a place to live, jump into the next worse situation"
I’d like to add: The love bombing that happens early in the relationship becomes the proverbial carrot on a stick that the abused person chases in the future, making the abused constantly wondering what they did wrong to lose that initial “love”.
Actually, the "Venn diagram is a circle" is between HSPs and people in denial about their neurodivergence...which, in the case of people who identify as HSPs, is usually autism or at least sensory processing disorder, but not always.
I've had more than one therapist tell me I'm an HSP, but refuse to discuss if I was autistic or told me I wasn't. The more I learn, I'm pretty sure I am. I also could never get anyone to do more than shrug their shoulders about my sensory processing issues.
I'm fortunate that none of it has ever impacted my ability to make a living, or get through basic life tasks, so a diagnosis is less important. But I'm finally, at age 47, beginning to understand my difficulties in forming relationships with people.
@@toniprekker3656 Ya know, I suspect that's not an uncommon experience. I was a pre-teen/young teen during the 2000s'. I was often called an "Indigo Child." *rolls eyes* Thankfully, I had diagnoses by then, so my parents knew not to take it seriously.
Seeing as the person who came up with term has since said that the person that they based it on later got an autism diagnosis, HSP seems to be more people who don't fit what society thinks autism looks like. Yes a lot of it overlaps with sensory processing disorder and that isn't specific to autistic people.
@@toniprekker3656I’m sorry you experienced that. You didn’t deserve to be blown off by professionals.
I just wanted to say Self diagnosis is a valid journey and if you suspect you have autism I hope you continue to look into it. Something that felt like a personal reflection was Samatha Crafts “unofficial checklist for females with Asperger’s”
@@amandamandamandsThats not totally accurate. The woman who originally came up with HSP explained that the label was for her son, and that it fit him better than autism becayse he didnt have "all those issues" that come with a "real" disability, he was "only sensitive." So her own explanation was very geared towards denying her son's autism. She evntually did accept her son's diagnosis but she still believes that HSP is not a disability because its actually a superpower for normal people (similar ableist language)
Some of these feel really in line with another blind spot I have. I guess it's a certain category of manipulation that baffles me. I have a blindspot around people who take advantage of others or maybe it's a confusion around why someone who do everything to depend on someone else doing something for you like a determined helplessness or something. Not necessarily with intent, but maybe just as a default setting? It's so confusing to me and has caused me a lot of problems because I don't recognize / anticipate / understand it.
As a weird workplace example, Person A is going out of town for two weeks and needs Person B to review some contracts. Person A asks me to follow up with Person B to make sure they've done it so I can notify others to send for signatures, etc. Person B ignores me for a week and the gets on a call and asks me what they need to do (clearly stated in email) and can I help them? I say "This isn't something I can help with, what do you want me to sit on a call for 6h while I read through these with you?" Person B says "yes." Obviously, I say no and hangup, but what the heck? Technically, I didn't have to help person A, but that ask wasn't too far from what I do, but person B was so comfortable taking it to an absurd extreme. Why are people like this? What is this? It's weird to me, but common I guess. Like why go so far out of your way to make someone else do soemthing for you especially when forcing someone else takes so much more effort than just doing the dang thing. B could have reviewed those contracts in an hour. Seriously, what is that?
I'm stuck in a very toxic relationships. Unfortunately not with a partner, but with my mother. Thing is, as she grew older, she has developed this paranoid thoughts and beliefs. Which are really exhausting to exist around. I've considered advising with some mental health professionals, but as I've researched it more, I found out that there is no effective treatment for this type of disorder. And she doesn't think that she needs any help. So far I've desided that while she is mostly stable, I will just tolerate it. But emotionally it's really hard, feels like walking on eggshells around her beliefs, so not to trigger her. And she doesn't have anyone else but me to support her. And I just can't being myself to go no contact or something, because when she was healthier she used to be quite a good mom. So I feel stuck and no way out. Just wanted to let it out somewhere, cause I can't talk about this with my friends, I've tried, and they just don't understand what I'm going through.
Just remember you and your wellbeing are important too. If she acts abusive towards you or her behavior is negatively impacting your mental health, even if it's not entirely her fault but a mental illness, you are not a bad person for distancing yourself. I'm not telling you what to do, I just want you to know this.
Kinda crazy that you're the only channel that I would watch this content, and not immediately assume whoever was presenting it has a chip on their shoulder, or was about to spread more misinformation.
Thank you for being a lighthouse for these serious topics, in a sea of misinformation and ignorance.
growing up in an abusive environment, it pains me to i know i projected a lot of the abuse i faced. i definitely abused my partner in ways i never could’ve imagined. putting him down for not being with me. blaming him for me not taking my medication, or spending time with his friends because i didn’t have any. i think i ruined the best relationship i had. therapy is so expensive, i want to be in it, i also want to undo the actions of the last 3 years.
the way i've been told the "When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's bad" is "When it's good, it's really good but when it's bad, it's ugly." i've heard that from my mom but directed at me. god, the amount of things i feel deja vu about in this video and i'm 10 minutes in
(i don't have the means to leave yet but i've been wanting to since i was 14 and younger (i'm now 18).)
Pretty sure one time my MOM of all people said I was gaslighting her once, because I was asking her to listen to me…
And honestly after that idk man but I just went into my room cold turkey, I got people who don’t complain that I want to talk about my interests, and hobbies.
I just frankly don’t care anymore. If me keeping up boundaries and wanting to talk about Minecraft is “abusive”, I think it’s a normal reaction to pull away?
Hope you feel better soon! ❤❤
The people who systematically abused me (family, “friends,” partners) were banking on me either not remembering what they did or erroneously believing I’m crazy due to a comically absurd misdiagnosis.
Neither happened and they are in quite the pickle. 😐
Wow I’ve been on both ends of this. It sucks, because no one wants to admit their faults. And unlearning this behavior takes time. Luckily for me my partner broke it off and I got help. We’re friends now and it’s so nice to know I’m forgiven for a time I didn’t know any better and held a lot of guilt about
The first example really seemed accurate to how a relative treats me. Everything is on her emotional timeline and disregards everyone else. It’s very frustrating. I confronted her about how I feel like she misinterprets everything I say and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. Her response was she won’t apologize for who she is and that she needs more emotional support… If that’s too much for me, then I can take time away. Her response felt like she disregarded how her actions affect others and put the blame on me to deal with. Very strange.
Isn't it nice she provided the solution, though (I say facetiously). "Take time away." I'd accept that invitation permanently, and remind her of it if she ever reaches out. After all, you need a certain level of support too, to refill your own giving. That's human. I'd go so far as to say you ought not apologize, either, for being a normal human with human needs.
I have relatives like this, too. They're freaking vampiric. Hope this helps.
is it abusive to go between being loving and distant? there's no malice but there's hardly any connection
Does the person go distant to punish you? Or not give you any reason why they might be a bit more distant at that time? That can be problematic.
It may not be abusive and still be a sign of a relationship that it has run its course. Sometimes relationships end and it may not even be anybody's fault. Maybe it is a good idea to take some time off to think things through, which has the added benefit of revealing abusive or controlling behaviour (which typically manifests itself as "no you cannot take time off").
@@meej33💯
And more generally, good sign if you can talk with them about it, bad sign if you can’t
@@meej33Yep exactly, it's a sign that it's prob time to just let em go.
Could be. Playing hot and cold throws people off balance. It could be the person is going through a rough time and not tell you. But if you're in a close relationship, and they're trustworthy, they should be self-aware enough to offer some reasonable explanation. And it will end without popping up again. Still sets a bad precedent. Seriously disturbed people use it to create a trauma bond. Be guarded any time you see it. As other commenters have stated, it might simply be time to let go and move on.
I’m a recovering EVERYTHING….but you’ve healed me with your ART!
I’m inspired to paint and glue fun stuff on frames now.
Narcissists SUCKED my creativity.
Coloring is LIFE.
Meanwhile, my narcissist neighbor is sobbing loudly out her kitchen window so we’ll give her sympathy.
Nope.
One of the little things that took me a long time to notice was when she would try to make me feel guilty for venting to my friends, about her or not. She would say that it was her job to comfort me, and what I didn't realize was that what she meant was that it was up to her to decide whether or not I deserved to be comforted. It was also to isolate, but mainly it was just cruel.
Watching this after being told my moral character is in question for recording someone to protect myself because it was technically illegal in that state (we were on vacay out of state)
I'm a bit shocked, but my ex checks all of those points. I'm so glad he's an ex for almost a year now.
Could you do a video on HSP and autism? I'd really love to learn more about it. Thank you for your work!
abuse was, is and will be powerful always getting out of it is not some piece of cake
I think it’s incredibly important to talk about these subtler aspects because when I was 15-21 I was in a very clearly abusive relationship where I was being physically harmed (as well as the emotional, social, etc stuff) so when I entered another relationship with a purely emotional/ social abuser, I missed a lot of the signs. He even used to joke that all he had to do was not hit me to be better than my ex.
A form of punishment ignored is sulking. Like for way too long, every time there is any conflict or authenticity on your part about your feelings and thoughts. It always feels like a brake up until you placate their ego to bring the relationship out of conflict without resolving anything
Not all abuse is as obvious as many LCSW claim. A lot of it is covert.
Thank you for sharing this information and helping people build discernment about abusive behaviors and tactics.
I was gaslight to the point of mania. I was losing my mind. All of my concerns were proven right when I finally caught him with evidence cheating on me and brought it up to my therapists. I’m still healing from all the support and what I thought they were but he was a liar cheater groomer
Mother has said, screamed and bawled straight at my face that "everything went to shit when you hit puberty."
...I won't say any more.
Sometimes, I think I'm exaggerating when I refer to my ex as an abuser and then I get reminders like this video that no, he was indeed abusive. That word has so much stigma attached to it- i was embarrassed to admit that I was being abused and I also sometimes have this fear that I am saying mean things about him, that I am somehow damaging his reputation (à la "he has so much potential"). But the thing is that, when I share my stories about our relationship with others, I've never embellished them, I am sharing my experiences of being with him.
@@delphinedelphinedelphine 💯 relate to this!!
Thank you so much for making this type of content.
I had an ex who would pulled out all the moves to be an emotionally and mentally abusive p.o.s. However the biggest problem I encountered was in my other relationships. I had self-confidence being worn down already, so when other loved ones started yelling and lecturing me how I was hurting my other loved ones, that I was making mistakes after mistakes....
It was exhausting. My confidence and self-power were shot. I would love the general public to learn how to appropriately talk and communicate fears when someone gets stuck in an abusive relationship. Because how the other relationships react can also intensify the feelings of isolation and lack of self-worth.
Find your people, the ones who genuinely are there for you when shit goes down. Not the ones who guilt trip you into self-correcting. I'm talking your quiet ride-or-dies who help you pack without question. You got this.
I have two questions (open to anyone answering) - I really don't know who to ask or talk to about this?
1) How do you know if *you're* doing something abusive?
I dealt with a lot of abuse as a kid, and I'm prob autistic, and I have a lot of trauma that I've been recently really really struggling to self-regulate for. I've always had a deep fear that I'm secretly abusive or will become abusive, and I also have a hard time knowing what's 'real' / valid vs my brain being silly and off-base.
How do I know? How do I change if I'm doing that? I especially have a hard time stopping spirals / crying blow-ups, and I know that's really draining on people around me. :/
It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of things that arent necessarily your fault or in your control. namely having an abusive family/home and not knowing whats normal or ok. You deserve patient and kind self talk and a method of self validation and self regulation. That said, I have no idea if you've abused others. Maybe its not very helpful to label yourself "an abuser". If you are autistic like me, you will ALWAYS find data and doctors to tell you that youre doing everything wrong. If someone has consistently told you that you did harm to them, believe them and make a reasonable attempt at accountabilility. Repair is for relationships you intend to keep/continue investing in. Not everyone deserves your time or energy or explanations, only the people you choose. If you hurt someone, do your best to be mindful and respecftul. but also please dont blame yourself for struggling. from firsthand exp i can tell you that being autistic and abused can leave you feeling like a hot dysfunctional mess who cant manage a simple convo without collapsing into ptsd flashbacks. it feels like that sometimes for most of us, i think. But that isnt the same as believing other people who try to convince you that youre a Bad Person for having a loud, unusual feeling or need. Because there will always be those people and it sounds like you have enough on your plate already. please be kind to yourself and protect yourself/needs as priceless.
I think it’s important to note the role that addiction can play in abusive relationships. Even if the relationship isn’t abusive in the beginning, as the addiction progresses, the relationship will eventually become abusive. I think the inherent abuse in relationships involving addiction is also not very widely known or talked about enough. Addiction is a big deal. It is very serious. And if it’s not treated, it will only get worse.
I also think it’s important to note that there doesn’t have to be intent for it to be abusive. You can think to yourself “oh, but they didn’t mean to hurt me and they are really sorry”. Even if that’s true, it doesn’t matter. The behavior isn’t ok. Abuse is abuse whether they had the premeditation or not.
Ultimately because the addict doesn’t want their partner trying to get them to get/stay sober. It’s one of the big reasons Johnny Depp did all he did to Amber Heard. He couldn’t stand someone holding him accountable, “the hooranging” he called it. As well as his obvious misogyny; I remember him on the stand talking about how he couldn’t understand how a woman so much younger than him would dare challenge him. And then the abuse escalated when she couldn’t take it lying down anymore & fought back. And he’d be especially violent of course when he was drunk/high/both.
And that doesn’t even factor in situations like I’d seen with some of my loved one with addicted partners/parents/children. Where the addicted person is never/rarely physically violent but does shit like steal money or even precious belongings to sell to buy more drugs/alcohol.
The more and more info i get and the more i look back at the relationship i had with my ex, the more i believe that it was abusive and he wouldve started hitting me if i didnt leave him when i did. He did all the love bombing, all the attempts to separate me from my support systems and family, bullied me under the guise of jokes, and much more. He once manipulated me with old photos and videos of me (lood ones) and said he would delete them if i hooked up with him while he was dating someone else. I was dumb and let that get to me, and ended up in a relationship with him again for another 2 years after the initial first 5 years. Im so glad to say that i broke up with him 2 and a half years ago, and im so grateful to be free from his bs
THIS ENTIRE VIDEO IS GOLD!! Thank you for showing the cycle of abuse and just every example you provided. I recently ended a friendship because I witnessed my friend humiliate, name calling and gaslight her step daughter (13) and when I asked about it she started to isolate me … so I spoke with her daughter and encouraged she speak to her therapist about this and her dad who tends to hold my ex friend accountable
Thank you for this, Mickey
Hearing "I didn't mean it that way!" isn't necessarily bad, misjudging the effects of what we say is an easy mistake.
What's bad is if they continue the same behaviors after you've made it clear you find it hurtful.
My older brother is like that. His teasing can be vicious. Often he'll say things like " I know you don't like this but I'm doing it anyway."
We live in different states and I rarely even speak to him, and actually see him even less.
I really like how you separate out effort and intent from abuse. I grew up in an abusive household and my group of friends have no problem having conversations around boundaries. They also understand when I tell them I'm going to vanish for a bit because I need some space and they just let it happen without being offended by it. It's great to be able to depend on someone as much as they depend on you. I wonder if it's because we all play DnD so we all have to know how to work with each other to achieve a goal because we do it at least once a week at minimum.
I'm so glad you do these videos they are so helpful. Thank you. I would love to see you do a video on safe people. What they are, who they are, what a good safe person acts like. Also maybe how to have a healthy relationship with your safe people. What are routes you might have to share around that topic. How to meet a make-safe people speak after you've been separated from your people for so long.
Leaving the abusive relationship has always been hard for me. As soon as my ex would establish a line of communication she would convince me to come back.
7:58 my mother talking about me having issues with reminders of what my stepdad did, or calling her out, or for having feelings... those thoughts of ending, "normal"... yay
I just want to say I was in a relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive, and he 100% did all the things you mentioned in this video. Completely spot on. I could write a whole freaking novel about the things he put me through but suffice to say, I did reach out to a therapist when I was at my most desperate, and they did help me recognize his abuse and leave him.
My abusive ex had really strong political viewpoints. I felt obliged to take them on and not have any difference of opinion because of how angrily and forcefully he spoke about anyone with different political opinions to him. It was one of the many subtle ways he'd control me. Perhaps alone this would not seem like a big deal, but when added up with other controlling things he'd do, it seemed very much like I was being conditioned to defer to him always. He also had that very fragile ego. Also, every time I asked for space it would turn into him being very upset because he just wanted to see me all the time. He never stopped to consider my need for space. These and so many other little things. I didn't know until after it was over that I was being abused and controlled.
The biggest thing that we need to focus on is not spotting an abuser, it's walking away once we find out they are one.
It's very rare that a woman makes a true psycho who can hide everything and be the perfect man. Realistically, We see the red flags, we may not understand that they are red flags, but we see them and we proceed with a relationship.
We have to believe that we deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect at all times. If that does not occur, head out.
I'm happy videos like this are around for people that need it.
It doesn't have to be the opposite sex, it can be a "friend".
8:53 this is why i have a low tolerance for name calling. I've been bullied too much in my life to tolerate it from someone i want to love.
Thanks so much. I've struggled with how to describe my past relationships. I've thought of them as abusive, but could never get anyone else to validate that for me, including therapists. Was told a "label isnt important". But it is important for me to process it. Was I abused, and some of my reactions a natural result of so much gaslighting and breaking me down, that I began to develop mental health and behavior issues as a result of the trauma? Or was I a messed up person who did just as much, or even more harm, and it was mostly my fault that things were so toxic?
Thank you for all you do!
I've heard this statement on Love Island, "when it's good it's really good and when it's bad it's really bad". I really notice these phrases now and the relationship outcomes. I've learned a lot about people and compatibility because of that show.
SO on point. This is incredibly accurate. A must listen for anyone who's encountered or currently facing (or even doubtful about what constitutes) abuse. Thank you
Just got out if an Evasive video and this popped up… I’m drinking some coffee and charging my phone…. I can spare a few moments lol
EVASIVE AND MICKEY ATKINS WATCHER LETS GOOOO
❤
HSP, the concept, is unfortunately ableist because the woman who invented it just had autistic nephews, but she wanted to find a special diagnosis for them, essentially. She didn't want to admit they had autism because she felt that reelected poorly on her. If you look at the diagnostic criteria for HSP, it's just kinder and less judgemental language than the current DSM's criteria for autism
HSP isn’t just autism, it can describe BPD and NPD. People with BPD and NPD can be either autistic or allistic, unfortunately when they are also autistic, the BPD and NPD tends to get ignored or regarded as ‘just part of their autism’ by their family/enablers, and by health professionals.. which it very much is not!! -I’m saying this as someone who is autistic and has been abused by both autistic and allistic people with NPD and BPD.
Not to mention, that people who do have BPD or NPD, but don’t want to admit it because of perceived stigma regarding those diagnoses, will often align themselves with the idea that they are HSP, my mother for example has worked in mental health for her whole career, and spent a decade looking down on and talking disparagingly of patients with BPD.. she only recently got appropriate therapy for her own long unmanaged and undiagnosed BPD, but the only way she was able to get that was for her therapist to frame it in a way that completely separated her therapeutic approach from the diagnosis of BPD, because even mentioning the idea that my mum could have BPD was too injurious to her ego, she would never continue seeing a therapist that even suggested it lmao so she gets the ‘highly sensitive person’ treatment, like so many others who are too in their egos to abide a diagnosis like BDP or NPD, but will happily twist the narrative to HSP so they cam feel special and ‘treating the symptoms without a diagnosis’ because the diagnosis would be too offensive to them lmao
@@unistudent4002 oh no, I'm talking about the actual history of HSPs. I'm not stating an opinion, I'm stating facts. The woman who created the concept was literally just rebranding autism because she's ableist. 🤷♀️
@@unistudent4002 also, autism plus trauma is often misdiagnosed as BPD and NPD. Where are you getting your information from? It's incomplete.
@@amandasunshine2I was going to say this, because that happened to me. It was awful facing stigma from mental health “professionals” with that label attached to me, which is problematic on its own but especially because I didn’t even have it. They slapped that label on me when I was freshly 18 after knowing me for 2 hours, and it affected my ability to get care anywhere for years. Many years later I found out I have autism and CPTSD and I genuinely think most people with a BPD diagnosis probably do as well because providers suck at assessing/are lazy/don’t even know what the diagnostic criteria even means. I’ve had several medical professionals tell me “you don’t look autistic?” As if it’s a disability that comes with set physical features. BPD feels more like a modern day hysteria diagnosis than anything, based on my experience and what I’ve read other people share. Even people who feel it’s an appropriate diagnosis for themselves will share they went through awful, awful abuse usually early on in life to become that way, so it feels quite evil to stigmatize victims like people do.
I always feel conflicted talking about toxic/abusive relationships, because i know i was not great to my Ex.
I never wanted to hurt him, but between being frustrated with his manupulative/abusive family, and my extreme emotional instability, he suffered too much.
It took a couple years to stabalize, but we are much better as friends than partners.
I would love to see a video about how to support friends & family in an abusive situation. Assuming it’s not to send them this video lol
I second this
So, I have a friend who I helped through her divorce from her narc husband and also talked her through another abusive relationship she got in.
Sometimes it's better to send videos like these because it's a third party that's saying it because, and I experienced this with my friend often, that the rose colored glasses were too strong. Or not sending the video but pointing out the same points so that it helps them eventually realize what's going on. It took months of talking to my friend and one time she said well it's fine most of the time we just argue (which really him screaming at her) sometimes so I turned that around and said well he doesn't hit you all the time just sometimes.
That's just me though. If my friend asks for my advice then I'm just going to give it to them straight even if it hurts. I acknowledge that it probably will but that I'm still saying it because I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
I think we want to learn if there is any abuse other than narcissistic abuse.
You described my alcoholic ex, controlling mother, and rage filled father to a T here.
Not even halfway through and I see my ex. Excuse me while I retrieve my eyebrows from the ceiling.
Thank you so much for creating this content, it is incredibly valuable. You seem like a fantastic therapist and kind person
Not getting this video notification when I'm deciding whether to cut out my ex... 😅 Also Mickey your hair looks so good today! 😍
I just went through a pretty messy breakup myself. I don't know if this helps, but most of the books I've read on the subject recommend going No Contact
@@Ookamiryoshi it's so hard for people who share a child 😢
This all describes my last Ex boyfriend. Who literally check every box and yet it took me 1 and a half year to finally breakup with him and now im trying to heal myself from the year long burnout ive built from people pleasing and letting myself become his drug. Im really happy you made this video since its helping clearing up my mind and perspective of him and relationship i was in. Again Thank you so much. Your vids are very healing to watch and helpful for many of the struggles i run in to. Its also because of my friends and family and a therapist that i was able to get out ^w^
Such a good video❤ I spent years in abusive relationship, first half of it I thought that my partner was sensitive and wounded. But then why was he so rude?🙈
After months i convinced my ex to see a therapist, and I'm pretty sure his therapist figured out he was abusing me because then he started projecting and saying wild things about how abusive and manipulative I was when i did things like stand up for myself. He never uttered the word "abuse" before starting therapy. I'm positive he'd talk about his treatment of me like it was fine because he genuinely believed it was. Then it got to the point where he stopped talking about therapy altogether and it became this monster he was frightened of, because he didnt want someone holding him accountable.
Thank you for making awareness much ❤ girl
Also to mention my ex was behaving very inappropriately at work. He would regularly touch and harass his co workers and would flirt and make sexual advances towards minors …
Thank you! This is a great video. To this day, I am still furious about the Heard/Depp trial and how abuse was sooooooo misrepresented by people who didn't know the first thing about it. Some people seemed to equate abuse with physical violence so, in their minds, someone couldn't possibly be abusive if they hadn't physically harmed someone. But as you point out here, abuse is so much more than that! I really worried - and still worry - that people in abusive relationships would think insults, tantrums, refusal to work on emotional regulation, giving extravagant gifts, etc were ok because they were never physically harmed. And, on the reverse side of that, if someone _is_ physically violent, people seemed to believe that's automatically abuse. I suspect people want a simple way to identify abuse, but you can't look at one action in isolation and say it's a pattern.
Anyway, thanks for this! Another thing that I wish people would learn is how to spot DARVO.
THIS! Thanks you!!!! Hsp is different from the feel sorry for me junk these men do!
The discovery of psychedelics as a mental health treatment is a groundbreaking achievement. Their ability to alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety is nothing short of astonishing. On a personal note, they have been a lifesaver, helping me overcome challenges that once seemed insurmountable.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is dr.porassss.