Because they avoid introspection and self-healing and instead take the easy route of being the sad, gay victim. Men have a REAL hard time acknowledging their feelings because we were taught from the time we were tots that a "real man hides his feelings, never cries, and is not 'too sensitive'. This is part of the BS about being a MAN, not just being a gay man. You want a relationship? Start with yourself.
Yep, it's been miserable and no one would ever choose this IMHO. I want a family but they didn't legalize marriage til I was in my 40's 😂. Thanks a lot a holes. 😂
I'm good single, even though it gets lonely. I haven't dated since last summer. I got really tired of the dishonesty and the unreal expectations and lack of gays who want to be monogamous.
I ve been single since 2020. I´m 32 and with no energy to stand gay dating anymore. Focused on saving money to earn patrimony instead of speding bucks to buy expensive clothing or lastest IPHONE to impress gold diggers.
I like how this guy bashes people going on Tindr and then a couple minutes later talks about how he's got a couple guys on Tindr he's trying to reel in.
Gay men in this Era are not looking for a good man, they are looking for a fantasy. I was either my partner for 26 yrs , until l lost him to leukemia. I tried dating and realized that the younger men are looking for a sugar daddy, and older men are to set in their ways to even think about compromise ( me included) . I'm took me some time to find happiness after Michael's death, but now l'm happy being alone for now . I am living for me!, and that feels good.
Sorry to hear that 😂lost my man from his addiction to drugs but now I'm ready to reconcile and hopefully to help and I know he need to meet me at least half way if it's true love which it once was.
I'm curious as to why your one mention is that younger people are looking for a "fantasy", yet you're the older guy who's dating younger guys. Why would you be surprised that younger guys who look at you are looking for sugar daddies? I have my share of complaints about promiscuity and lack of personal standards too, but that's for my generation and younger. And I get it: we're younger, we're still kinda attractive, and we feel immune to whatever abuse we put our bodies through. But for the older generation, it's the more unrealistic expectations that a 47-year-old guy could become demanding of a 24-year-old to be relationship-minded and how he should be given "a chance". The dynamic doesn't even quite work well in heterosexual relationships themselves, and you'd find that he either has a lot of money AND/OR she's using him for something and she's still allowed to walk the streets.
@@gordonalameida183 You sound naïve about the power of drugs and alcohol. Talk to a counselor before trying to "reconcile" to an addict. Drug or alcohol addiction are MAJOR red flags. You also sound like you want to "fix" this man but that is a narrative that rarely is successful. They usually have to either bottom out on their drug through some awful experience or....they eventually die of their addiction. Your narrative is that you will fix him so you can have a decent partner but once they are on their drug the drug becomes more important to them than you. Before you don your Florence Nightingale nursing cap you'd best talk to a therapist or counselor.
I'm a millennial gay man been with my partner 15 yrs. Too many gay men think there's always someone better out there! They don't work hard enough In their relationships, the gay scene is very shallow, we don't go to gay bars, talk on gay apps, we just live a basic life like our parents did and mainly only mix with our straight friends and their partners.
Yes, and this guy didn't even show stats from earlier times to compare with the current millenial percent who are single. How do we know that it was better in prior times? I think it was probably worse, because being gay was not acceptable at all until about 25 years ago and barely then. I don't think guys in the boomer generation or earlier were any more patnered than they are now, in fact I would guess less.
Agree, you have 'cracked' it guys, good on you. If only those bemoaning their perceived pain and frustration could see what you guys can see I think the gay community would be a far more stable and happy place to be, if such a 'community' exists, may be what I mean is gay men in general. The scene never did me any favours to where I am in my life now, the only thing I miss is the dance floor and the music, so me and my partner have our own disco at home...
The answer to your question Matt is very simple... unrealistic expectations. Looking for the wrong qualities in other men. NEWS FLASH!! Those beautiful people that we are inundated with every day in TV, Movies, advertising, etc... are not real (make-up, lighting, air brushing, FILTERS). Yes, there are naturally beautiful men out there, but compared to the general population they are rare and the chances of landing one are generally slim to none. Besides, in my experience most of those hot, gym infused, primped and prepped beauties are usually freakishly insecure, and generally void of any real personality. A conversation about anything other than themselves or their possessions is difficult if not impossible. I live in So CA, and I see a lot of gay couples around town. One thing that I notice is that the overwhelming majority of them are your average Joe types. The hotties tend to travel in groups (because of their insecurities) and are rarely coupled. I find guys with a great sense of humor, a good conversationalist, humility and empathy, far sexier than some guy with movie star looks. BTW, comparing lesbians and gays is pointless and futile. We are a very different species. Lesbians are nesters. The relationship is far more important to them than the sex. Sadly its the opposite for men.
I have been single my entire life. Never have I ever had a boyfriend. I haven't even kissed another guy and I'm 32 now. I'm pretty sure that's at least one of the reason why I was depressed for years now. I feel lonely. For me also, social dating apps is the only thing I can use. There's no gay clubs where I live. There isn't much of a gay community here. I feel like I have to move to Stockholm to have a chance... but that's expensive af. So... I'm just here, spiraling further and further. I have given up... I don't think I'll ever met someone, and that I'll die alone. it may not be logical to think such... but it's where it's heading. I'm just tired of life.
It's because you're trying too much. You cone first before anything else. Try not to worry about relationships. I'm always of the idea that either it happens or it doesn't.
Aloha Alex. There is no rhyme or reason to a relationship. Timing is everything. When the times are better, anything is possible. A person can be a teen or in their fifties, and still be or feel alone, even in a crowd of a million. What ever the motivation is, when the time comes, you will know, and that is all you can control. Smile, because you do not know who's attention you may catch.
Relax and listen to the following Pet Shop Boys track: "Love Comes Quickly". Stop fretting and work on your own self-healing and betterment. Love's-a-comin', but it can't be forced so chill out and skip the angst.
Gay men are a very critical, judgemental group. They are into young men and good looks. We need to love ourselves unconditionally, flaws and all. We need to be our own best friend, compainion, and lover.💜
I ve been single since 2019, no sex dates or dating at all. Weird, because in my 20s I used to hook up a lot but then I lost the interest when I realiced that most of the guys I used to f*ck were assholes so I started to avoid that kind of people. Stopped using GRNDR or SCRUFF where most people look for external validation. Nowadays I´m doing pretty good; on my job, trying to build patrimony and enjoying my hobbies (videogames, drawing or just hanging out with my str8 friends)
Your thoughts on the reason for social decay seems very accurate. It’s not just dating though that’s an issue. Even friendships are affected by this modern issue. I say this because there is so much for people to be self gratified by. Here is what I see. We have a culture that is focused on gratification quickly. Examples of this are: -streaming on demand -Wi-Fi access points -The motto “have it your way” -The demand for drive thru -The high reliance on fast food -next day shipping …. That’s just a few I came up with off of the top of my head. But it’s a factor of the culture we have that focuses on convenience and personal gratification quickly. It’s So bad that we have scamming schemes running rampant that lure many people into them with claims of a rapid way to make money or lose weight or find their soul mate. And the lure is the speed to get what they want. The reality about relationships of every kind is that they take time. It’s something that is built. Something that is tested. Something that becomes established. The relationship becomes a haven where people involved find security in one another. But it requires the effort to develop it and fortify it. As adults, we have to set intentional time to put that kind of work in. We have lives of our own in this modern age that isn’t as much a shared experience as we use to have as children in school. As adults we have to work around our own prejudices and personal preferences if we honestly want to grow beyond ourselves, that as kids we did not have yet. We have to genuinely make time for people if we really want to develop even a friendship but that to goes against the modern culture of satisfy me NOW. Developing genuine relationships of any kind is not convenient unless it mirrors the cultural norm of providing instant gratification. Thats where the rise of “fair weather friends” come in. They are there when times are convenient and good for them, but when storms come, they are gone like the sun. That’s where the rampancy of sexual satisfaction in relationships is getting fueled from. It is a sad reality that it is difficult for people to step outside of themselves to share life with others. It takes work and isn’t always fun and games. Sometimes it takes confronting immaturity and fewer people don’t want to listen to anyone trying to correct them. Fewer people still care enough about another person to let them know when they have character traits that are like holes in the hull of a boat. If ignored and not tended to, it grow worse and will sink their ship over time. It’s something I have definitely noticed. In this day and age, people are guided by their desire for gratification, and having their personal preferences met. Anything outside of what they want, even superficially in appearance, gets pushed aside. Lust of the eyes Lust of the flesh Pride in life These things rule people and they don’t even understand how or care. As long as they can get gratification quickly they will keep at it.
You said it! I am in my late sixties and I see the instant gratification thing all over the place. I have an iPhone and an iPod and I am all for technology, but these things aren’t the only things in life. As you said we are full of quick fix scams. Things like friendships and relationships take time to develop.
It's so hard to be in a relationship with other men and the apps make it worse. Men seem to all be looking for better. I'm from gen X and while there weren't all the apps grinder came out in my mid 30s. Before that there were other dating and hook up websites you could get to on your computer. I've had some relationships that lasted several years each but I'm fine being single too. I enjoy my peace and solitude. I even go on trips alone and find it very enjoyable and relaxing despite what some others think it must be like. Sure it would be great for someone to go places and share the experience with. Someone to have dinner with after a hard day at work. I've tried so hard to make those things happen and last but sadly it doesn't always work because both have to put in the work or it doesn't work.
As a Gen X myself, I have to admit the nicest thing about being single is the lack of drama, the semblance of calm in life, and the freedom of time to do what I enjoy. Sure it would be nice to have someone to share these things with, yet being comfortable in my own skin and in my own place of solitude is a good place to be when it doesn’t work for everyone - silver linings. I hear you.
You're so right on Matt! Before 1980 (with the horror of AIDS) 95% of Gay "couples" either had an open relationship or a closed one, with one or both partners cheating on each other. I always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, but after I would hook up (in those days it was called "tricking") with a guy, many of them would ask me to leave soon, because their lover was coming back soon. I used to say what the hell were they doing with me if they had a commitment with someone (in those days boyfriend was not in Gay lexicon; the word used back then was "lover") But a silver lining in the AIDS horror was that it made our community more monogamous. It's not perfect, but much better than before 1980 (the pre-AIDS) era. How nice is it to go to sleep and wake up in your boyfriend's arms. Sex without romantic love sucks (no pun intended). When 2 guys have sex, just for sex, after climaxing there is what is called a "climactic crash". However, when you have lots of kissing, cuddling, foreplay, after-play, etc., there is no crash.
I feel compelled to add to this discussion. Matt, I agree with all of what you said. Technology is creating a lot of jaded gay men. With apps it is far easier to create a fantasy and be manipulated. I am a 58 year old man that lives in a large metro area. When I came out over forty years ago, we look forward to going to bars, clubs and private parties to meet other men. Men seemed to socialize more back then. Today, I see no one attempting to socialize outside of their circle of friends. Guys make no connections and when last call is called everyone is whipping out their phones to log on to hook-up apps. Sadly, they had the opportunity to meet someone in "real life" and be more able to determine compatibility. I met my current partner through advice I read online. Join groups that spark your interests. In these settings you now have something in common with a potential partner and you get to enjoy your interest. I attended a meetup and met my partner and we have been together for almost six years now. Lastly, one of the biggest problems I see with apps is the mix messages in profiles. In it guys say they want a relationship but if that is not available they're okay with a hook-up. This is a recipe for disaster because in doing so you have compromised your position if you truly want a relationship. Now the person who has read and responded to you know that they can get a hook-up and if you develop any interest in pursuing a relationship and they do not want to go further, they can refer you back to your profile where you okayed a hook-up. My best advice is doing the work on yourself to ensure that you are ready for a relationship if that is what you want. No one completes you. You are a whole person with or without a relationship. Keep an open mind while dating. Your "type" may be the reason you are single. Expanding the pool of individuals to date may show you that someone outside your "type" is a more compatible partner. If you want a relationship don't accept a hook-up. This is part of the instant gratification Matt was talking about.
Perfectly stated! Thank you for the sound advice. I think people instinctively know what really matters to them, but technology muddies everything and makes things too easy to ignore those things that matter to us most. I think that right now, with the technology we are given, we are experiencing a Wild West of human emotion and that it is not what is right or sustainable. I think that generations beyond us will know this and look back on us with shame.
Meet someone in real? You mean a loud bar where nobody can have a proper conversation? Hardly the best place to meet. Gay people need places other than bars to meet and in most places, there isn't much.
So you're applauding and being nostalgic for a time of random sex and spreading disease. Because just because you meet a stranger in a real life bar doesn't mean they're not a random stranger. In fact you probably can get to know somebody better on an app than you can somebody in a bar who just wants a hook up.
This isn't just a millennial issue. GenX is the same way. GenX basically built the internet and online dating. I'm 47, been single most of my life. Not because I wanted to or didn't put in enough effort. Most gay men I've met just don't want relationships. They like something new as often as possible. They might stick around for a while but as soon as things start getting too serious or any sort of issue at all comes up, they just find someone else. And monogamy is essentially seen as trying to live a hetero life, so that just adds more problems. And I won't commit to anyone that isn't committed to me. If my partner wants to sleep around then I'd rather stay single.
As someone who's a gen z 20 something, people just don't want one, even my friends have told me, "you're a not a relationship person either you just pretend to be" as if me being a monogamist pisses them off or something. Like it's almost a counter culture, it's ridiculous.
@@brandon17760 I'm millenial and I heard a similar argument when I was younger saying our species (and men in particular) are not naturally monogamous so why should we be? Often in was made by younger attractive guys (what people call chads) who were looking to sow there seed and were willing to accept any justification to do it. It's no different than a person with weight issues arguing that fast food is more convenient, better tasting, and easier so why should they go on a diet? Diet food is nasty, gross, etc.. All an excuse not to have to change or control there base urges. There was even one young guy who made the earlier argument I mentioned and got HIV later so if that's not a cautionary tale Idk what is.
@@Not-Ap I see where you're coming from, and to me it's more of a societal issue, everything is becoming disposable, food, money, relationships, friendships, and I just refuse to be a part of it. Do relationships work most of the time? No but that's the point, it only goes one of two ways each time. You either marry them or you break up. But to me just because it didn't work out doesn't mean the relationship had no value. Sometimes things just don't work, and that's alright. You just have to move and try again. People are worth investing into, in my opinion.
@@brandon17760 No I agree with you but I would add that thre reason they don't work the majority of the time is because people expect them to "magically work out" when that's never how it's worked in reality. It was always work. Having partner, spouse, husband, or wife was always a commitment and a full time job. However it was one that could potentially offer more benefits in the long-term than any 9 to 5 could but dependent on how self sacrificing you were willing to be. The problem as you pointed out due industrialization, is that by and large it made self sacrifice redundant, and the majority of people as a result don't know to do it because they never had to in there life. That makes people selfish and in turn causes everything (not just relationships) that was formerly built on self sacrifice to suffer.
By coincidence, I was talking to my boyfriend about this situation today. We met as friends and it evolved over the past 4 years and now committed lovers. I am a baby boomer and my man is a millennial. It works because we talk and share feelings and opinions rather than try to please. Amazing given covid emerged in the first 3 months. We trusted each other and had great shagging
As I get older, the harder, is that. Being gay is definitely not an easy life. We are all so just as a community and there really is no cure to it and I agree technology has definitely killed chivalry
Newsflash. It's hookup culture. No one wants to date period. I prefer to remain single ( 10 years running ) and not have to worry about my partner cheating. Been there done that no thankyou.
Lesbians are like that too!!! I am a single lesbian and proud. I have not come across good solid women. So far I met complainers even in my 40ish age group. But I’m good . I’m focused on my life and goals. I do empathize with single gay men, ya’ ll got challenges for real. I’ve been hearing stories.
Most are looking for the same thing women are - masculine tops. Unfortunately, these are the rarest variety of gay men so the majority will remain single.
Interesting. Unfortunately, I am a bit speechless about the topic. The gay community, in my opinion, has too many unrealistic expectations. The stereotypes are insulting and it hurts more when people fulfill those stereotypes. When anyone can tell me how to deal with people's negative opinions and stop putting up some false confidence, please let me know. What ever is being looked for, I guess it is important to be realistic of what ever the end goal is. I know I need to continue to believe in my worth even if others choose to not see it or ignore it. Continue to move forward, Matt. Your posts are great and very helpful.
I'm a Millennial and I think your statistical info is fair. I agree with where you're headed on your thoughts on why Millennials are more likely to be single. “Instant gratification” has suddenly become a principle in gay dating: How fast can a gay man seek gratification. They go on a dating app, find a hot guy, and get together. You’d think that would be two less hot guys off the dating app - but they’re both back on after a short period. Dating shouldn’t be premised on instant gratification. Building a relationship is work. It wasn’t meant to be easy. Incorporating another human being into your life isn’t a simple process. This notion of “instant gratification” has completely excluded me from dating. I’m single because I’m no one’s type. (Being a person of colour, we're completely excluded as being a potential "gay ideal.") Gay millennials don't seem to be interested or care about lived experiences, a depth in range of emotions, intelligence, humour, etc. The majority of them only care about looks. Physical attraction seems to be the only factor worth considering. How did gay dating turn into “judging a book by its beautiful cover”? In my life experience, gay men won’t pick up any book unless it’s hot. Once it’s picked up; they have no interest in reading it. They "date" until they’re bored. (I don’t think they know how to read. And if they do know how to read, they lack the ability to understand the complexity found within the pages). I think gay millennials lack healthy sources or models of relationships. I fear that many gay millennials have limited their understanding of 'relationships' to simply sex. This could be the context behind why so many are single today.
"“instant gratification" says it beautifully! I may need educated on this one: "Being a person of colour, we're completely excluded as being a potential "gay ideal." Those of color have trouble dating? Like none wants to date a brown person? Sadly, we do judge a book by it's cover. I wont lie and I am guilty of it. And well spoken as always my friend!
I must respond to your statement "Being a person of colour, we're completely excluded as being a potential "gay ideal" : I am a white gay male who is open to Latinos, Blacks, and Asians, etc. There are indeed nice and good guys in ALL races. However, here's what I have experienced more often in these groups: black men are to me a "long shot" on hook-up apps as they are way more inclined to flaking OR their behavior is otherwise passive-aggressive, or they are are not sexually reciprocating (which is to me a bore no matter how big a thang), or they bring meth in their backpacks or they are "PROs" which means they are selling c-ck in the guise of massages, or they want me to be "Gen" so I have to tell them I never pay for sex. Latinos too seem to be quite susceptible to hard drugs or alcohol. Asians are often so reserved and uncommunicative you get no impression of who they really are as people. If you don't want to be a stereotype don't act like a stereotype! I am certainly not saying white men are any better but on the dating/hook-up sites I'm on everyone gets objectified in some way, not just people of colour. Try being HIV poz (even if undetectable in an era in which U=U) or a man over 50 and you'll see it goes waay beyond skin color.
A witty straight friend of mine once said, "Thinking about it, I wouldn't wish homosexuality on my children. But thinking about it some more, I don't think I'd wish heterosexuality on them either."
When I was in my twenties I really wanted to be married and I wanted to be with new guys too. Sometimes open relationships work and most times they don't, because there is a good change that you will loose your husband when he meets someone better off and/or better looking than you.
I am 25 and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. It was always a one sided relationship. The hookup culture is just a no, learned my lesson. I am looking for a serious relationship and that’s it. If I stay single and that’s ok. I can focus on myself in the meantime.
Loneliness in the gay community is second only to fentanyl in terms of its destructive power. Men, like me, who are survivors of the AIDS pandemic (and COVID) may forego physical intimacy as a form of protection from trauma. Being single and being INCEL sometimes overlaps. I know that sustained trauma - like bullying, scapegoating and outright hostility - can cause physical damage to the nervous system which can lead to chronic depression and drug use. I know that traumas have a way of stacking up over time and don’t necessarily get easier with age. I know that it takes hard work to fully claim my life even though I’m now in my 60’s. I also know that I may die alone but I’m doing everything possible to lessen the chance this happens. Be kind to yourself and seek connection even when it’s scary.
I am surprised the gap between men and women is not wider. Women seem to be 1000% more relationship oriented and seem to have a a desire for a connection
Young gay guys are single cause they are just getting started, just like straight guys. Of course you also have the fact that gays can be very promiscuous and don't respect other peoples commitments so will go after your partner regardless. Grass is always greener etc.Women are more relationship oriented. They know that to be happy you truly need to be in a supportive relationship and community. Women are wired that way. Straight guys do have the tradition of dating, marriage, children as a way they need to order their lives. It is what they work toward. Gay men really don't have that. When straight guys are married and raising a family, gay guys are still hanging out in bars and clubs meant for 20 somethings well past their sell by date. It is sad really.
Being single is very convenient when you look at it. You don’t need to communicate, you don’t need to put any efforts and you can do whatever you want on your free time. It would be heaven on earth if society and culture were not "in your face" with relationships all the time. Cultural, societal and peer pressure towards mating are making us feel bad.
But there is a reason why most humans desire a partner. Being single is a rare feat of human psychology that not even most single people understand or encapsulate well.
@@gachamansama3703 True. I would say the human drive towards mating rests on both psychological feats and a pressure to conform. People who look for a partner just to follow the norm or avoid being labeled as "forever alone" are doing it wrong. The same can be said for those who look for validation through a relationship. All of this to say, I think people should first love themselves and love being with themselves (i.e. being single) first. That’s the point I wanted to make in the first place.
Straight person here! It isn't any greener being in this side. Humanity as a whole is getting lonier. I think is a universal feeling of "I want you...but noot really" The idea of completely "throwing your life" at a stranger and absoving their life into you, is just mentally exausthing. I desire her as a partner, I admire her, I'm attracted to her, but I don't really want to invest so much into a complete stranger. And why should I? I'm in my room, watching youtube and farting. I don't want anybody here, invading my privacy, my personal space, my peace. Technology made us emotionally lazy
Yeah that’s sweet and all…. But we’re human. We want and crave intimacy with someone. Let’s stop with this “love yourself and it’s all you need” nonsense. We are human and NEED that romantic intimacy with someone. There’s no way around it. It is what it is….. we’re not exempt from that natural desire. Every species on Earth craves that intimacy. We are no different as humans. We think as humans we should just shut that part of ourselves off. Like wtf lol. No. I want LOVE with someone. This is not a debate. Period tf. 😂😂 I get lonely and I want to be touched, held, kissed, ect. Period. 😂😅. What the hell is happening anymore. I’m not a robot. Yes I’m lonely. I want a MAN. Or a “mate” as they say in nature. Shoot me for it. 🤷🏽♂️😅
There are so many barriers to having a healthy relationship that it seems easier for me to stop trying so hard to make one work and instead be open to one happening but also be open to sexual experiences along the way because otherwise it seems like I’m trying to force something to happen that doesn’t want to
Actually, I'm single by choice and has chosen that path while still a teenager. I always considered myself as unattractive, boring, lacklustre and that I have nothing to offer. Too many people lie and cheat resulting in getting HIV or other STDs and I don't wanna be that victim. Dating other men is too expensive and relationships require money.
In my experience as a gay/queer trans man. It’s like people are more concerned about sex than actually getting to know someone and build a real bond. I also think 🤔 many of us lack emotional intelligence. && being real many are narcissistic/emotionally unavailable. Yet will engage in sex with no strings attached and then complain about being lonely. When it’s like a lot of folx are into hook up culture. We get on apps looking for quick sex/fixes. & personally I deal with a lot of transphobia so it adds even more barriers to dating. Which okay I get it , it’s your “preference” but like it’s also wild to dislike or not date an entire population of ppl. Like how is this any different than saying I don’t “insert race of people “ how is that not racist? & I’ll say I rather go where I am celebrated and Wanted than be with someone who hates me. I guess it wouldn’t be such a problem if the transphobes would keep it real. Like how are you transphobic n public yet behind closed doors in my DMs? Like fr if you can’t respect me/love me in public I don’t have time for you. I agree with you on technology & the apps causing issues. Great video & commentary.
I think you're right about the social media having a detrimental effect on physical interaction and conversational skills. However. Coming from a baby boomer era, i think we also faced the shyness of interacting. Gay bars were notoriously lonely places. Okay; here's the situation. Most men looking are sinking drinks and might end up with someone equally inebriated. Or, there are groups or coupled friends both looking for someone but by being together they give off the untouchable vibes. Screamers, ok; they need someone soecific. Old guys with lecherous attitudes and predatory behavior with younger men. Now add to that being many miles from a town where there might be a gay bar and getting there requires money and, in some cases, guts to enter or leave safely then facing all the time wasting of trying to interact plus being able to drive home... phew! For me, it was also that threshold of trust. Is that gorgeous looking man going to find me attractive. Is he clean ??, what if he doesn't have conversational abilities and the only drive is suck ability or fuck ability. So here we are in 2023. The same issues prevail but unlike the past, social media forces choices to be made instantaneously. Rejection is based on perceived attributes that are untested. Here's my accumulative input. This era is safer with more equity than ever and instead of surfing the net, use hobbies, social groups or host get togethers away from bars where like-minded people can engage in easy conversation. Fuck buddies are a no no. Stay in your lane. Be true to yourself and and hold the line of integrity and respect. A meaningful relationship is more likely to develop eventually.
I’m a lesbian and it is lonely. I am married but my wife works morning, noon and night. And it is damn hard to make friends past age 30. We formed a small friend group of lesbians (by some miracle) but everyone moved away and that was the end of that.
I really don't think being single is the main issue here. What matters more is that gay men, and all of humanity, really, have and maintain organic human connection that transcends our technology. We simply have to teach ourselves, and others, how to accomplish this and lead by example. It's so easy to get hung up on self-doubts and self esteem issues, when really, people in general are much more malleable, forgiving, and compassionate than we initially give them credit for! There's the voice of our childhood in every one of us. Think back to elementary school, how relationships sparked from the most inconsequential of actions. It really is no different as an adult. We just need to let ourselves believe it, open ourselves. Then, it will happen.
It sucks how where I live the gay community is SO small everyone knows eachother for better or worse. I just don’t know why being full of drama is so prevalent here. I knew someone who rushed thru a relationship too and ended up being hurt despite my advice. The fear of being lonely makes people settle too. I loathe dating apps but how the hell do I go up to people 💀
I think because it's more difficult in general to meet available people as a gay man time just passes and we get more time to think about what it means to be in a relationship. In my late 20s I was still kind of looking for someone, but at 31 I've basically realized there's nothing I want or need in life that another guy (or human) is going to provide. A lot of what I looked for in other guys (looks, confidence, self-suficiency, etc) I've now developed in myself, so it's no longer something I find that attractive in others. Sharing some things would be nice, but not at the cost of being stuck with another person... Maybe I'll meet someone one of these days and fall head over heels and all that, but right now I'm seriously convinced that it's just not the road to my happiness. And even if I do find a boyfriend, I would NEVER move in together with someone. It's a whole mess sharing one's home with another person. We can hangout but I'm going back to my place when I need space!
I feel like you. I wonder if that's weird. (a lot of people are pulling for something different, but it feels like an illusion). I wonder what someone like us would be better for?
@@markbeck8384 I guess relationships are a simple form of purpose that people find in life, however idealized they may be. It's more difficult to find that same purpose when life doesn't fall into place like society tells us it should. For me, that seems like the loneliest aspect of not having a relationship. Not being able to relate to other people's worldview and lifestyle and having to find my own meaning for life. I think it makes for a weird life story, but it isn't weird in a wrong or creepy way (some of my acquaintances might strongly disagree, though lol)
You're awesome to create a conversation about this pressing matter. I've had a 15-year relationship and a 3-year relationship and everything in between. Love and monogamous gay relationships are the best things ever. Can't wait to do it again. My ex-husband, who I divorced 15 years ago, has invited me to marry him again, but for less romantic reasons and more mature financial reasons. At 60 things change and it's beautiful.
I’m going to say something that’s going to annoy a lot of people, but it is my opinion. In the straight world, they have a dynamic. Women control access to sex, men control access to relationships/marriage. In the gay world, no one is controlling access to sex. That’s where these flings and open relationships happen. There needs to be a dynamic. Lesbians have the problem of no one doing the chase. Bed death among lesbians is sky high. Frankly, gays need to adopt a dating model that resembles heterosexuals. To put it quite bluntly, bottoms need to start controlling access to sex better. I could go on about this, but I’ve made my point. Also, you have to define a relationship beforehand. If a relationship is undefined you are glorified f buddies.
I agree but good luck ever getting gay men to adopt such a model when it runs against the grain of who they fundamentally are. In a ideal world they would adopt the such a system or some other system, but the reality is with men (not just gay men) promiscuity is the law of the land, worse there is no incentive for anyone to change so things will continue to stay the same.
@@Not-Ap We are more than our biology. Yes, our libidos as men are higher, but our willpower as people varies person to person. If we gave into every inkling or every desire, where would we be? This is a defeatist attitude that serves absolutely no one. The conversation needs to be had before anything else, and if even reasonable gay men have this attitude, there's a huge issue.
@@heathen2743 Gay men have been trying have this conversation for years and it's always been sabotaged by other Gay men. The reason why things don't change is because Gay men don't want it to change. 9/10 it's the little brain downstairs making these decisions and I see no way to to get men to listen to there upstairs brain instead. It has to come from them and can't be imposed upon them. If there's one thing gay men are good it's resisting external forms of control imposed on them.
This resonates with me as an older gay man, never had a long-term relationship ,maybe lasting one month ... perpetually single, try to connect but so hard as an older gay man. Try to connect but polyamourous is the trend. Yes social anxiety is very very real and scary. So keep on keeping on.
I found your presentation thoroughly engaging, and it left me contemplating the future of dating and relationships. The influence of what we term "social media," which often feels more isolating than social, along with the widespread accessibility of pornography, seems to erect barriers between individuals regardless of their sexual orientation. While it's commonly acknowledged that dating can be challenging for younger generations, consider the added complexity of seeking genuine connection at my age of 69. The landscape feels increasingly daunting. I must admit, I find you quite striking and charming. If circumstances were different and I were forty years younger, I'd certainly be intrigued by the prospect of dating you.
I know I'm late here but I've been struggling with acceptance and survival, I fully agree with you Matt, I've tried all these "dating" apps for years, they filled with nothing but trash, maybe on the off chance you'd run into someone relatively empathetic, since I'm from a homophobic country, I've not got many options, I wish I could find someone who was into LTR, monogamy, where we value eachother at deeper levels. Someone I could build a stable future with. I've never been into the random hookups, drugs, alcoholism, smoking etc. I kept asking myself in the past few months, "what happened, where did all the good gay guys go? it's like they just vanished into thin air"... Once I get to safer shores and find a supportive group of friends, I'd love to share this part of my journey with yall. And yes I'm looking for a bff, if you're out there somewhere, lemme know. Distances can be shortened :)
You talk a lot of sense man, I agree with much of what you are saying, my partner and I have been in a meaningful friendship/relationship now for just over 19 years and yes it has been anything other than a smooth journey, To start with, compatibility, true chemistry and family background, not to mention life long harmful habits. As a queer man it has been a long and frustrating road to travel, often wishing myself to be some one else, yet only to discover I am me and need to embrace that truth, have often wished myself to be str8 only to hear of all the trouble my str8 friends are in and go through, so now I am the happiest I have been to date, and no every thing is not perfect by a long shot. I guess acceptance is a big key for me, as I have accepted myself at a deeper level, so too have those I socialise with accepted me in a far more open way, I do not hide my sexual orientation nor do I flaunt it, I am just me, like it or lump it, that has become my 'mantra' now. Thanks to you who read my blab, hope it may help some one who is in inward pain and frustration. namaste
Totally agree on the pornography thing, it's dangerous. It seems that relationships where a couple have their own individual goals and support one another in attaining those goals is really important. Getting to really know the other person is crucial. Not relying on advice from gay culture with is selfish and petty a lot of the time. I actually like to get advice or observe from my straight friends who are happily married and I see how they talk and they way they build space for their partner to flourish. I mean seriously why would you get relationship advice from people who are troubled or broken.
As a 24 year-old despite my feelings I'm just not doing this. I'm planning on moving to a completely different state and maybe things will change then because I'll be in a larger area but I'm doubtful. I've had significantly more bad experiences than good ones in my life. It feels like trying to spark a connection leads to misery because nobody's on the same page. I was in and out of therapy for about a year and that did nothing. I'm at my wit's end thinking about having to commit my whole life to someone. Once it was my dream to find "the one" and live "happily ever after" with someone but as a result of the social decay, technology and the bullshit it's just never going to happen. I'll enjoy my life forever alone.
Matt I think you are very smart and insightful (and cute), If I were your age and lived near you I would def, want to date you. ps- in the 70s when I was in my teens and 20s, gay men were much the same as you described the ones of today, but I think it has gotten worse for the reasons that you cited.
No need for guess work to understand this. Men are often the most to have Avoidant attachment wounds, the gay shame wound exacerbates this. A lot of our behaviour is relation to others is governed but insecurities. If you really want ti understand why someone was so into you then dropped the “I’m just not ready for a relationship blah blah blah” or ghosted you, research Attachment theory, especially Dismissive Avoidant style or read the booked Attached. Also, it can be exacerbated by a bad relationship, and yes, this often ends in a cycle of serial dating as they chase the high and validation of new people because they’re associate love with the dopamine high, but when that runs out, they run out because they haven’t learnt to bond after that initial feeling
Honestly I am soo tired of being gay I have wanted a relationship for awhile I pour my all into relationships and I end up being ghosted or it just doesn't work I'm just tired!
My question is.... why is an otherwise proud gay man, still very much single with no dating experience what so ever. At 55yo and counting.??? Is my only option to grow old, even further out of shape. Impotent. Only to die and pass away still very much alone 😔 cross ✝️
I am 61 and Gay. Cruising was how you met others. Falling I. love with straight guys hurts because it just ain’t gonna happen. Gay guys can be catty and cruel. The fat and ugly are not welcomed. Many suicide or get lured into Ex Gay crowd. I’ve met those ex gays and they are truly messed up. Born this way is a great song.
Long story short. When gay men are younger they enjoy many partners and refuse to let go of the hookup phase/culture. As they get older , say, 50s thats when they want a relationship because men in general dont mature emotional; until later in life. However, when you reach your 50s, dating becomes 10x more difficult than when you are younger, thus lonely forever. In my opinion gay men really need to work on their mental health. Thats the main issue.
I'm 60 and been single all my life ! As a gay man, sex is very easy, a relationship is virtually impossible, no one wants to commit or their chasing the next best thing. I gave up looking for both years ago, as a gay men, sorry but I've tuned out looking at men completely and just concentrate on what makes me happy and healthy and I don't feel like I'm missing anything ? One tip I would add is, Never settle for a cheat or a guy who's married, wtf is that about ? Lol
@2:55 preach! This sound's correct. @03: 19, correct. I ain't buying the fantasy. Give me real contact and I will ben happier to see my self with a guy and whether I was to see you again the sane goes for the other person.
Wait till you are over 50! I gave up on the dating scene a long time ago, and so far have no regrets being single! there just isn't enough monogamous oriented like minded, and emotionally stabled gay men available.
Society don´t help either. It´s difficult to be a homossexual man in work places and we are bombard with heterossexual shit that comes all over the place 24/7. We are invisible, we don´t have protection like women and heterossexual couples have, because we are a minority and we are viewed like crazy/sick people. We have fears and serious traumas that it´s almost impossible to erase. It´s destructive.
Apps, gay bars, etc. Just all suck. But meeting a gay guy IRL that you click with and that he would be single is rarer than winning the lottery. I'm just completely tired of it all and gave up. Straight guys dont have this problem they can go up to most girls, either they are single, or they are taken. That's 50/50. Whether they could be interested is another thing entirely, but the option is always there in every venue, not just a gay bar, which even though may seem common, many many many areas dont have one. The closest one for me is over an hour away and I live in a blue state.
All relationships are governed by soul contracts. If you contracted and agreed with another to have a relationship then it will happen for you. Such information can be accessed from your subconscious. If you are looking for a partner you can always ask your subconscious. Have a think about what you want in a partner. Be specific. Then ask your subconscious for the partner based on those specifics.
With today's online media, social platforms, and advertisements showcasing what are deemed as the 'hottest' individuals, millennials and Gen Zs often feel pressured to emulate these ideals or seek them in others. It's quite astonishing how much time the current generation spends online, or on dating apps, looking for that fantasy/hot guy. The surge in narcissism these days is also concerning. Nowadays, young guys have become incredibly self-absorbed, frequently sharing shirtless photos or other revealing images for the whole world to see. What is that about? Finding someone? Really?Placing so much importance on someone’s aesthetics, they are unlikely to find partners who meet standards which are created for them by the aforementioned media. Unrealistic expectations = single. A troubling trend in some gay communities is the exclusionary dating rules, particularly on dating apps, like 'no fats, no femmes, no blacks, no Asians,' passed off as preferences. Regardless of the terminology used, it clearly sets unnecessary boundaries and limits their relationship prospects. I am grateful to be part of the Boomer generation. Navigating relationships in today's world, where social apps often initiate connections, seems challenging and impersonal to me. Years ago, socializing and forming intimate connections were paramount. Pheromones, after all, don't transmit through an iPhone. My husband and I have been together for 34 years and are now happily retired, cherishing one another and the personal connections we've made over the years. I truly believe none of that would have happened if we were part of these younger generations.
It's also waaay easier for most men disconnect sex from love and intimacy more than most women. Women may experience sex as another form of an intimate connection, whereas most men just don't do that, it just pleasure for pleasure sake and NOTHING more. That's why dating is so tough for gay men. You may have one guy who is really trying to make a connection with another, while most other men looking for a date are drivin by sex only. That's frustrating for both sides of the date. I'm 38 and I totally agree with you on dating aps. You can't just swipe left/right in real life. The human connection is what's needed most for a date to become a relationship. Even having your phone out when on a date, displays to the other that your attention is divided, they aren't that important. Especially on a first date.
Very few gay men will agree to such a partnership. Most have hopes and dreams of their own. They don't wanna give that for already established partner who wants wife 2.0 just because he's gay. Men are not women. That arrangement is just not gonna work.
@@Not-Ap my bf is a straight man. It is nice to come home dinner is ready, when washing machine is down, he fixes it, whenever I have electrical problem, he fixes it, he cleans the house and the best thing you have a person to hug.. He is 18years younger than me
Because they suck at interpersonal skills. This is a male thing in general, except that straight males are positively reinforced for this and just dump the emotional labour on women.
At conception one is not a whole being. As the fetus grows and develops, it becomes more and more human. As a baby grows it is trying to become more whole and acceptable as well as healthily acclimated. Normally, most straight people are half persons trying to become whole persons as they age. There are many variations and extremes. For gay men (Perhaps women as well), typically they are one quarter persons trying to become whole persons, but 3 quarter persons are good enough and often times encouraged within the established community. How many gay men are not absolutely messed up with inferiorities, some chronic mental disorder, drug/alcohol/tobacco addiction, sex addiction, narcissism, depression, gender or sexuality disphoria, compulsive disorder, general self doubt, or some one of many other disorders or lack of growth and development? Who could be gay without some of that? Now trying to find a stable partnership loving caring supporting relationship within battling all that? Not likely. The odds are against you. Oh! Yes, of course. To solve the problem, polyamory and open relations were introduced and now no one is held accountable and integrity is not a concern. Everyone does their own thing as long as it is held within set boundaries or not! So there really is no such thing as that special exclusive one. Insanity continues and gets worse.
oh no when i meet some one i like on apps iam on the phone with them fast if we click on the app iam from da old school if they deny talking to me on the phone it shows there not that interested on me
Don't really care actually. I know my body and my pleasure better than anyone else will, can, or could know. I will relish in my virginity and singleness, I will savor the fruits of self-pleasure, I will drink from the elixir of self-love. I know how to scream my own name. Ask yourself this: Do you want a relationship because YOU want one or do you want a relationship because society has told you, you want one?
Most of the single gays are bottoms including me we are all looking for that supersize PP they are rare as you know and usually when you find it the personality doesn't match so yeah it's a mess all around 🤦🏻♂️
I 100% agree I'm Bottom too where I'm from it's a small town and the guy's are not my type they are so rude and full of Sh*t Lol all the guy's I like live far away I can't wait to move away maybe I will find someone I hope Lol I wish everyone the best that is looking for love 🤘😍🤘
Haha this is so true. I wish I wasn't this shallow, but I really can't see myself dating a guy on the smaller side... It's really one of the things that one looks for in a relationship right? If I'm only looking for great conversation I can just go make friends haha A few years ago I would have fallen for a guy before even seeing it, but these days they basically introduce themselves on grindr with a d*** pic! Like, dude, keep it to yourself, ask me out for a coffee haha share your personality first and maybe you'll have a chance xD
The majority of men aren't hung like king kong. If your looking for that to exclusion of other factors than your gonna be searching for awhile. It's like saying you only date multi millionares. That's a pretty limited to pool and there's only so many to go around and most probably won't be interested in you anyway.
Yeah... as soon as I figure out a person has a size requirement, I tend to distance myself from that person, if they seriously can't see themselves dating someone because of something they can't control, then they aren't worth my time. It's the same thing as a straight guy saying they'll never date a flat chested person. It's fucked up either way.
@@brandon17760 We all deal with some physical aspect that has the potential to be unattractive to others. But... We also don't owe other people our intimacy, so it's really up to each person to deal with their issues and preferences, I guess. It really says more about how we deal with rejection than anything else. I realize that 100% of people have the right to not be attracted to me at all. I'm lucky that's not the case, but it's a possible and valid scenario. And maybe in 20 years that will be the case, as I'll get older and lose what little physical attractiveness I still have. I won't be blaming anyone for that, it's just how reality works.
It’s stilllike this today I got the best tools to build a relationship with the guy I like and he like me just got to learn to be truthful we each other in difficult situations,learn to not be so proud full , and be yourself and communicate a lot , and things we go smooth I don’t talk negative about about a relationship I getting involve with , that’s means you really don’t like the person I like your channel an I am out peace
Being gay for many is a miserable experience.
lol being human is a miserable experience :) haaaa
True lol 😂
Because they avoid introspection and self-healing and instead take the easy route of being the sad, gay victim. Men have a REAL hard time acknowledging their feelings because we were taught from the time we were tots that a "real man hides his feelings, never cries, and is not 'too sensitive'. This is part of the BS about being a MAN, not just being a gay man. You want a relationship? Start with yourself.
@@xandercrew6088It's definitely worse for queers. Statistically this can be proven.
Yep, it's been miserable and no one would ever choose this IMHO. I want a family but they didn't legalize marriage til I was in my 40's 😂. Thanks a lot a holes. 😂
I'm good single, even though it gets lonely. I haven't dated since last summer. I got really tired of the dishonesty and the unreal expectations and lack of gays who want to be monogamous.
Gays should be monogamous!!!rant
Hi
I'm single too and I think we're nice match
I ve been single since 2020. I´m 32 and with no energy to stand gay dating anymore. Focused on saving money to earn patrimony instead of speding bucks to buy expensive clothing or lastest IPHONE to impress gold diggers.
I like how this guy bashes people going on Tindr and then a couple minutes later talks about how he's got a couple guys on Tindr he's trying to reel in.
Gay men in this Era are not looking for a good man, they are looking for a fantasy. I was either my partner for 26 yrs , until l lost him to leukemia. I tried dating and realized that the younger men are looking for a sugar daddy, and older men are to set in their ways to even think about compromise ( me included) . I'm took me some time to find happiness after Michael's death, but now l'm happy being alone for now . I am living for me!, and that feels good.
Sorry to hear that 😂lost my man from his addiction to drugs but now I'm ready to reconcile and hopefully to help and I know he need to meet me at least half way if it's true love which it once was.
@@gordonalameida183 sending ❤🙏 and hoping the best for you on your journey.
@@juanramos.jr.7948 Thank you ❤️❤️😊 and may God deliver unto you the best of what you want aloha with love my friend 🫂
I'm curious as to why your one mention is that younger people are looking for a "fantasy", yet you're the older guy who's dating younger guys. Why would you be surprised that younger guys who look at you are looking for sugar daddies?
I have my share of complaints about promiscuity and lack of personal standards too, but that's for my generation and younger. And I get it: we're younger, we're still kinda attractive, and we feel immune to whatever abuse we put our bodies through.
But for the older generation, it's the more unrealistic expectations that a 47-year-old guy could become demanding of a 24-year-old to be relationship-minded and how he should be given "a chance". The dynamic doesn't even quite work well in heterosexual relationships themselves, and you'd find that he either has a lot of money AND/OR she's using him for something and she's still allowed to walk the streets.
@@gordonalameida183 You sound naïve about the power of drugs and alcohol. Talk to a counselor before trying to "reconcile" to an addict. Drug or alcohol addiction are MAJOR red flags. You also sound like you want to "fix" this man but that is a narrative that rarely is successful. They usually have to either bottom out on their drug through some awful experience or....they eventually die of their addiction. Your narrative is that you will fix him so you can have a decent partner but once they are on their drug the drug becomes more important to them than you. Before you don your Florence Nightingale nursing cap you'd best talk to a therapist or counselor.
I'm a millennial gay man been with my partner 15 yrs. Too many gay men think there's always someone better out there! They don't work hard enough In their relationships, the gay scene is very shallow, we don't go to gay bars, talk on gay apps, we just live a basic life like our parents did and mainly only mix with our straight friends and their partners.
I'm gen Y, I totally agree with your opinion!!!
Yes, and this guy didn't even show stats from earlier times to compare with the current millenial percent who are single. How do we know that it was better in prior times? I think it was probably worse, because being gay was not acceptable at all until about 25 years ago and barely then. I don't think guys in the boomer generation or earlier were any more patnered than they are now, in fact I would guess less.
Agree, you have 'cracked' it guys, good on you. If only those bemoaning their perceived pain and frustration could see what you guys can see I think the gay community would be a far more stable and happy place to be, if such a 'community' exists, may be what I mean is gay men in general. The scene never did me any favours to where I am in my life now, the only thing I miss is the dance floor and the music, so me and my partner have our own disco at home...
The answer to your question Matt is very simple... unrealistic expectations. Looking for the wrong qualities in other men. NEWS FLASH!! Those beautiful people that we are inundated with every day in TV, Movies, advertising, etc... are not real (make-up, lighting, air brushing, FILTERS). Yes, there are naturally beautiful men out there, but compared to the general population they are rare and the chances of landing one are generally slim to none. Besides, in my experience most of those hot, gym infused, primped and prepped beauties are usually freakishly insecure, and generally void of any real personality. A conversation about anything other than themselves or their possessions is difficult if not impossible. I live in So CA, and I see a lot of gay couples around town. One thing that I notice is that the overwhelming majority of them are your average Joe types. The hotties tend to travel in groups (because of their insecurities) and are rarely coupled. I find guys with a great sense of humor, a good conversationalist, humility and empathy, far sexier than some guy with movie star looks.
BTW, comparing lesbians and gays is pointless and futile. We are a very different species. Lesbians are nesters. The relationship is far more important to them than the sex. Sadly its the opposite for men.
From nyc and these types are also horrible boyfriends and horrible at sex!!! It’s like having sex with a woman at times tbh
I have been single my entire life. Never have I ever had a boyfriend. I haven't even kissed another guy and I'm 32 now. I'm pretty sure that's at least one of the reason why I was depressed for years now. I feel lonely. For me also, social dating apps is the only thing I can use. There's no gay clubs where I live. There isn't much of a gay community here. I feel like I have to move to Stockholm to have a chance... but that's expensive af. So... I'm just here, spiraling further and further. I have given up... I don't think I'll ever met someone, and that I'll die alone. it may not be logical to think such... but it's where it's heading. I'm just tired of life.
Hey!You are not alone!!!
Don't let relationship defines you!!!love yourself first,then love ppl!!!
It's because you're trying too much. You cone first before anything else. Try not to worry about relationships. I'm always of the idea that either it happens or it doesn't.
Aloha Alex. There is no rhyme or reason to a relationship. Timing is everything. When the times are better, anything is possible. A person can be a teen or in their fifties, and still be or feel alone, even in a crowd of a million. What ever the motivation is, when the time comes, you will know, and that is all you can control. Smile, because you do not know who's attention you may catch.
Where do you live?
Hi
I never had a boyfriend and I’m 21💀
Edit: I’m 22 now! Ongoing streak!🤠
Same and I'm gonna be 23
Relax and listen to the following Pet Shop Boys track: "Love Comes Quickly". Stop fretting and work on your own self-healing and betterment. Love's-a-comin', but it can't be forced so chill out and skip the angst.
@@FriendofDorothy 33 here loads of meeting with fellas 😍🤪
But a boyfriend to come home too be nice
Gay men are a very critical, judgemental group. They are into young men and good looks. We need to love ourselves unconditionally, flaws and all. We need to be our own best friend, compainion, and lover.💜
I ve been single since 2019, no sex dates or dating at all. Weird, because in my 20s I used to hook up a lot but then I lost the interest when I realiced that most of the guys I used to f*ck were assholes so I started to avoid that kind of people.
Stopped using GRNDR or SCRUFF where most people look for external validation. Nowadays I´m doing pretty good; on my job, trying to build patrimony and enjoying my hobbies (videogames, drawing or just hanging out with my str8 friends)
Sorry to hear, may I ask what country are you at? I chat many people but don't date with anyone for many years
You have ig?❤
I relate to this and I get you. Well done looking after you ❤️
This resonates with me.
I see sex just for sex as a waste of time and energy, not to mention it presents multiple dangers.
Your thoughts on the reason for social decay seems very accurate. It’s not just dating though that’s an issue. Even friendships are affected by this modern issue. I say this because there is so much for people to be self gratified by. Here is what I see.
We have a culture that is focused on gratification quickly. Examples of this are:
-streaming on demand
-Wi-Fi access points
-The motto “have it your way”
-The demand for drive thru
-The high reliance on fast food
-next day shipping
….
That’s just a few I came up with off of the top of my head. But it’s a factor of the culture we have that focuses on convenience and personal gratification quickly. It’s So bad that we have scamming schemes running rampant that lure many people into them with claims of a rapid way to make money or lose weight or find their soul mate. And the lure is the speed to get what they want.
The reality about relationships of every kind is that they take time. It’s something that is built. Something that is tested. Something that becomes established. The relationship becomes a haven where people involved find security in one another. But it requires the effort to develop it and fortify it.
As adults, we have to set intentional time to put that kind of work in. We have lives of our own in this modern age that isn’t as much a shared experience as we use to have as children in school. As adults we have to work around our own prejudices and personal preferences if we honestly want to grow beyond ourselves, that as kids we did not have yet. We have to genuinely make time for people if we really want to develop even a friendship but that to goes against the modern culture of satisfy me NOW.
Developing genuine relationships of any kind is not convenient unless it mirrors the cultural norm of providing instant gratification. Thats where the rise of “fair weather friends” come in. They are there when times are convenient and good for them, but when storms come, they are gone like the sun. That’s where the rampancy of sexual satisfaction in relationships is getting fueled from.
It is a sad reality that it is difficult for people to step outside of themselves to share life with others. It takes work and isn’t always fun and games. Sometimes it takes confronting immaturity and fewer people don’t want to listen to anyone trying to correct them. Fewer people still care enough about another person to let them know when they have character traits that are like holes in the hull of a boat. If ignored and not tended to, it grow worse and will sink their ship over time.
It’s something I have definitely noticed. In this day and age, people are guided by their desire for gratification, and having their personal preferences met. Anything outside of what they want, even superficially in appearance, gets pushed aside.
Lust of the eyes
Lust of the flesh
Pride in life
These things rule people and they don’t even understand how or care. As long as they can get gratification quickly they will keep at it.
Incredibly said!
You said it! I am in my late sixties and I see the instant gratification thing all over the place. I have an iPhone and an iPod and I am all for technology, but these things aren’t the only things in life. As you said we are full of quick fix scams. Things like friendships and relationships take time to develop.
And try to be a good listener.
It's so hard to be in a relationship with other men and the apps make it worse. Men seem to all be looking for better. I'm from gen X and while there weren't all the apps grinder came out in my mid 30s. Before that there were other dating and hook up websites you could get to on your computer.
I've had some relationships that lasted several years each but I'm fine being single too. I enjoy my peace and solitude. I even go on trips alone and find it very enjoyable and relaxing despite what some others think it must be like. Sure it would be great for someone to go places and share the experience with. Someone to have dinner with after a hard day at work. I've tried so hard to make those things happen and last but sadly it doesn't always work because both have to put in the work or it doesn't work.
That's good,you found your way.
Hi there
As a Gen X myself, I have to admit the nicest thing about being single is the lack of drama, the semblance of calm in life, and the freedom of time to do what I enjoy. Sure it would be nice to have someone to share these things with, yet being comfortable in my own skin and in my own place of solitude is a good place to be when it doesn’t work for everyone - silver linings. I hear you.
You're so right on Matt! Before 1980 (with the horror of AIDS) 95% of Gay "couples" either had an open relationship or a closed one, with one or both partners cheating on each other. I always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, but after I would hook up (in those days it was called "tricking") with a guy, many of them would ask me to leave soon, because their lover was coming back soon. I used to say what the hell were they doing with me if they had a commitment with someone (in those days boyfriend was not in Gay lexicon; the word used back then was "lover") But a silver lining in the AIDS horror was that it made our community more monogamous. It's not perfect, but much better than before 1980 (the pre-AIDS) era. How nice is it to go to sleep and wake up in your boyfriend's arms. Sex without romantic love sucks (no pun intended). When 2 guys have sex, just for sex, after climaxing there is what is called a "climactic crash". However, when you have lots of kissing, cuddling, foreplay, after-play, etc., there is no crash.
I feel compelled to add to this discussion.
Matt, I agree with all of what you said. Technology is creating a lot of jaded gay men. With apps it is far easier to create a fantasy and be manipulated. I am a 58 year old man that lives in a large metro area. When I came out over forty years ago, we look forward to going to bars, clubs and private parties to meet other men. Men seemed to socialize more back then. Today, I see no one attempting to socialize outside of their circle of friends. Guys make no connections and when last call is called everyone is whipping out their phones to log on to hook-up apps. Sadly, they had the opportunity to meet someone in "real life" and be more able to determine compatibility.
I met my current partner through advice I read online. Join groups that spark your interests. In these settings you now have something in common with a potential partner and you get to enjoy your interest. I attended a meetup and met my partner and we have been together for almost six years now.
Lastly, one of the biggest problems I see with apps is the mix messages in profiles. In it guys say they want a relationship but if that is not available they're okay with a hook-up. This is a recipe for disaster because in doing so you have compromised your position if you truly want a relationship. Now the person who has read and responded to you know that they can get a hook-up and if you develop any interest in pursuing a relationship and they do not want to go further, they can refer you back to your profile where you okayed a hook-up.
My best advice is doing the work on yourself to ensure that you are ready for a relationship if that is what you want. No one completes you. You are a whole person with or without a relationship. Keep an open mind while dating. Your "type" may be the reason you are single. Expanding the pool of individuals to date may show you that someone outside your "type" is a more compatible partner. If you want a relationship don't accept a hook-up. This is part of the instant gratification Matt was talking about.
Perfectly stated! Thank you for the sound advice. I think people instinctively know what really matters to them, but technology muddies everything and makes things too easy to ignore those things that matter to us most. I think that right now, with the technology we are given, we are experiencing a Wild West of human emotion and that it is not what is right or sustainable. I think that generations beyond us will know this and look back on us with shame.
Meet someone in real? You mean a loud bar where nobody can have a proper conversation? Hardly the best place to meet. Gay people need places other than bars to meet and in most places, there isn't much.
I did not say that a bar is your only real life option. You can meet other guys by signing up for activities of interest to you. @@asmrfoodieuk7965
So you're applauding and being nostalgic for a time of random sex and spreading disease. Because just because you meet a stranger in a real life bar doesn't mean they're not a random stranger. In fact you probably can get to know somebody better on an app than you can somebody in a bar who just wants a hook up.
Apps in today’s age promote the concept of “try before you buy”, which leaves nothing to exploration and discovery. Hear you 100%.
This isn't just a millennial issue. GenX is the same way. GenX basically built the internet and online dating. I'm 47, been single most of my life. Not because I wanted to or didn't put in enough effort. Most gay men I've met just don't want relationships. They like something new as often as possible. They might stick around for a while but as soon as things start getting too serious or any sort of issue at all comes up, they just find someone else. And monogamy is essentially seen as trying to live a hetero life, so that just adds more problems. And I won't commit to anyone that isn't committed to me. If my partner wants to sleep around then I'd rather stay single.
🙏Amen that's my philosophy as well.
As someone who's a gen z 20 something, people just don't want one, even my friends have told me, "you're a not a relationship person either you just pretend to be" as if me being a monogamist pisses them off or something. Like it's almost a counter culture, it's ridiculous.
@@brandon17760 I'm millenial and I heard a similar argument when I was younger saying our species (and men in particular) are not naturally monogamous so why should we be? Often in was made by younger attractive guys (what people call chads) who were looking to sow there seed and were willing to accept any justification to do it. It's no different than a person with weight issues arguing that fast food is more convenient, better tasting, and easier so why should they go on a diet? Diet food is nasty, gross, etc.. All an excuse not to have to change or control there base urges. There was even one young guy who made the earlier argument I mentioned and got HIV later so if that's not a cautionary tale Idk what is.
@@Not-Ap I see where you're coming from, and to me it's more of a societal issue, everything is becoming disposable, food, money, relationships, friendships, and I just refuse to be a part of it. Do relationships work most of the time? No but that's the point, it only goes one of two ways each time. You either marry them or you break up. But to me just because it didn't work out doesn't mean the relationship had no value. Sometimes things just don't work, and that's alright. You just have to move and try again. People are worth investing into, in my opinion.
@@brandon17760 No I agree with you but I would add that thre reason they don't work the majority of the time is because people expect them to "magically work out" when that's never how it's worked in reality. It was always work. Having partner, spouse, husband, or wife was always a commitment and a full time job. However it was one that could potentially offer more benefits in the long-term than any 9 to 5 could but dependent on how self sacrificing you were willing to be. The problem as you pointed out due industrialization, is that by and large it made self sacrifice redundant, and the majority of people as a result don't know to do it because they never had to in there life. That makes people selfish and in turn causes everything (not just relationships) that was formerly built on self sacrifice to suffer.
By coincidence, I was talking to my boyfriend about this situation today.
We met as friends and it evolved over the past 4 years and now committed lovers. I am a baby boomer and my man is a millennial. It works because we talk and share feelings and opinions rather than try to please. Amazing given covid emerged in the first 3 months. We trusted each other and had great shagging
Love your story, I completely agree, too much judgement in the World in my honest opinion, I hope you guys stay together for life...
As I get older, the harder, is that. Being gay is definitely not an easy life. We are all so just as a community and there really is no cure to it and I agree technology has definitely killed chivalry
I am a gentleman who believes in monogamy and chivalry, but I feel that I will always be alone. Best wishes, Chase
@michaeldavis7047 With that kind of attitude you will be.
Newsflash. It's hookup culture. No one wants to date period. I prefer to remain single ( 10 years running ) and not have to worry about my partner cheating. Been there done that no thankyou.
Best post of the day!! Dead on.
I barely have even gay friends
Lesbians are like that too!!! I am a single lesbian and proud. I have not come across good solid women. So far I met complainers even in my 40ish age group. But I’m good . I’m focused on my life and goals. I do empathize with single gay men, ya’ ll got challenges for real. I’ve been hearing stories.
Most are looking for the same thing women are - masculine tops. Unfortunately, these are the rarest variety of gay men so the majority will remain single.
I'm old now and it's hard to imagine myself dating an old person.
Interesting. Unfortunately, I am a bit speechless about the topic. The gay community, in my opinion, has too many unrealistic expectations. The stereotypes are insulting and it hurts more when people fulfill those stereotypes. When anyone can tell me how to deal with people's negative opinions and stop putting up some false confidence, please let me know. What ever is being looked for, I guess it is important to be realistic of what ever the end goal is. I know I need to continue to believe in my worth even if others choose to not see it or ignore it. Continue to move forward, Matt. Your posts are great and very helpful.
I'm a Millennial and I think your statistical info is fair. I agree with where you're headed on your thoughts on why Millennials are more likely to be single. “Instant gratification” has suddenly become a principle in gay dating: How fast can a gay man seek gratification. They go on a dating app, find a hot guy, and get together. You’d think that would be two less hot guys off the dating app - but they’re both back on after a short period. Dating shouldn’t be premised on instant gratification. Building a relationship is work. It wasn’t meant to be easy. Incorporating another human being into your life isn’t a simple process.
This notion of “instant gratification” has completely excluded me from dating. I’m single because I’m no one’s type. (Being a person of colour, we're completely excluded as being a potential "gay ideal.") Gay millennials don't seem to be interested or care about lived experiences, a depth in range of emotions, intelligence, humour, etc. The majority of them only care about looks. Physical attraction seems to be the only factor worth considering. How did gay dating turn into “judging a book by its beautiful cover”?
In my life experience, gay men won’t pick up any book unless it’s hot. Once it’s picked up; they have no interest in reading it. They "date" until they’re bored. (I don’t think they know how to read. And if they do know how to read, they lack the ability to understand the complexity found within the pages). I think gay millennials lack healthy sources or models of relationships. I fear that many gay millennials have limited their understanding of 'relationships' to simply sex. This could be the context behind why so many are single today.
"“instant gratification" says it beautifully! I may need educated on this one: "Being a person of colour, we're completely excluded as being a potential "gay ideal." Those of color have trouble dating? Like none wants to date a brown person? Sadly, we do judge a book by it's cover. I wont lie and I am guilty of it. And well spoken as always my friend!
I must respond to your statement "Being a person of colour, we're completely excluded as being a potential "gay ideal" : I am a white gay male who is open to Latinos, Blacks, and Asians, etc. There are indeed nice and good guys in ALL races. However, here's what I have experienced more often in these groups: black men are to me a "long shot" on hook-up apps as they are way more inclined to flaking OR their behavior is otherwise passive-aggressive, or they are are not sexually reciprocating (which is to me a bore no matter how big a thang), or they bring meth in their backpacks or they are "PROs" which means they are selling c-ck in the guise of massages, or they want me to be "Gen" so I have to tell them I never pay for sex. Latinos too seem to be quite susceptible to hard drugs or alcohol. Asians are often so reserved and uncommunicative you get no impression of who they really are as people. If you don't want to be a stereotype don't act like a stereotype! I am certainly not saying white men are any better but on the dating/hook-up sites I'm on everyone gets objectified in some way, not just people of colour. Try being HIV poz (even if undetectable in an era in which U=U) or a man over 50 and you'll see it goes waay beyond skin color.
Yep, it’s 100% the case, and easy to realize when you are a person of colour.
A witty straight friend of mine once said, "Thinking about it, I wouldn't wish homosexuality on my children. But thinking about it some more, I don't think I'd wish heterosexuality on them either."
When I was in my twenties I really wanted to be married and I wanted to be with new guys too. Sometimes open relationships work and most times they don't, because there is a good change that you will loose your husband when he meets someone better off and/or better looking than you.
Hello how are you doin8g
Handsome? You are looking sexy and i would like to get to know you more if you don't mind chatting ??
How are you doing
Most old gay men wasted their youth in hook ups now they regret the time they wasted for growing old alone.
Yup
I am 25 and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. It was always a one sided relationship. The hookup culture is just a no, learned my lesson. I am looking for a serious relationship and that’s it. If I stay single and that’s ok. I can focus on myself in the meantime.
Loneliness in the gay community is second only to fentanyl in terms of its destructive power. Men, like me, who are survivors of the AIDS pandemic (and COVID) may forego physical intimacy as a form of protection from trauma. Being single and being INCEL sometimes overlaps.
I know that sustained trauma - like bullying, scapegoating and outright hostility - can cause physical damage to the nervous system which can lead to chronic depression and drug use. I know that traumas have a way of stacking up over time and don’t necessarily get easier with age. I know that it takes hard work to fully claim my life even though I’m now in my 60’s. I also know that I may die alone but I’m doing everything possible to lessen the chance this happens.
Be kind to yourself and seek connection even when it’s scary.
I am surprised the gap between men and women is not wider. Women seem to be 1000% more relationship oriented and seem to have a a desire for a connection
Young gay guys are single cause they are just getting started, just like straight guys. Of course you also have the fact that gays can be very promiscuous and don't respect other peoples commitments so will go after your partner regardless. Grass is always greener etc.Women are more relationship oriented. They know that to be happy you truly need to be in a supportive relationship and community. Women are wired that way. Straight guys do have the tradition of dating, marriage, children as a way they need to order their lives. It is what they work toward. Gay men really don't have that. When straight guys are married and raising a family, gay guys are still hanging out in bars and clubs meant for 20 somethings well past their sell by date. It is sad really.
Bars, bars, bars.... are there no other places to hang out for gay men than BARS? It so 1977!
Bringing great topics love these open discussions
The title of this video should be “listen to my contradictions”
I noticed that too but he's young so I gave him a pass.
Being single is very convenient when you look at it. You don’t need to communicate, you don’t need to put any efforts and you can do whatever you want on your free time. It would be heaven on earth if society and culture were not "in your face" with relationships all the time. Cultural, societal and peer pressure towards mating are making us feel bad.
But there is a reason why most humans desire a partner. Being single is a rare feat of human psychology that not even most single people understand or encapsulate well.
@@gachamansama3703 True. I would say the human drive towards mating rests on both psychological feats and a pressure to conform. People who look for a partner just to follow the norm or avoid being labeled as "forever alone" are doing it wrong. The same can be said for those who look for validation through a relationship.
All of this to say, I think people should first love themselves and love being with themselves (i.e. being single) first. That’s the point I wanted to make in the first place.
@@omicron3012 Thats a fair point honestly. I wish you a good life fellow gay dude 👋
@@gachamansama3703 Thanks. Same to you 🙂
Straight person here! It isn't any greener being in this side. Humanity as a whole is getting lonier. I think is a universal feeling of "I want you...but noot really" The idea of completely "throwing your life" at a stranger and absoving their life into you, is just mentally exausthing. I desire her as a partner, I admire her, I'm attracted to her, but I don't really want to invest so much into a complete stranger. And why should I? I'm in my room, watching youtube and farting. I don't want anybody here, invading my privacy, my personal space, my peace. Technology made us emotionally lazy
No one is ever "alone", you have yourself and that's A LOT❤❤❤
Yeah that’s sweet and all…. But we’re human. We want and crave intimacy with someone. Let’s stop with this “love yourself and it’s all you need” nonsense. We are human and NEED that romantic intimacy with someone. There’s no way around it. It is what it is….. we’re not exempt from that natural desire. Every species on Earth craves that intimacy. We are no different as humans. We think as humans we should just shut that part of ourselves off. Like wtf lol. No. I want LOVE with someone. This is not a debate. Period tf. 😂😂 I get lonely and I want to be touched, held, kissed, ect. Period. 😂😅. What the hell is happening anymore. I’m not a robot. Yes I’m lonely. I want a MAN. Or a “mate” as they say in nature. Shoot me for it. 🤷🏽♂️😅
There are so many barriers to having a healthy relationship that it seems easier for me to stop trying so hard to make one work and instead be open to one happening but also be open to sexual experiences along the way because otherwise it seems like I’m trying to force something to happen that doesn’t want to
Rarely do relationships just happen.
Cheating is also heavily glorified in the gay scene hence the reason why im single. Sorry I still believe in monogamy.
So do I
Me too
Gen X - Approaching 60 hardly ever been single since 16. Never dated online 😂
It's definitely a complicated issue, but I appreciate your light-hearted take.
Actually, I'm single by choice and has chosen that path while still a teenager. I always considered myself as unattractive, boring, lacklustre and that I have nothing to offer. Too many people lie and cheat resulting in getting HIV or other STDs and I don't wanna be that victim. Dating other men is too expensive and relationships require money.
In my experience as a gay/queer trans man. It’s like people are more concerned about sex than actually getting to know someone and build a real bond. I also think 🤔 many of us lack emotional intelligence. && being real many are narcissistic/emotionally unavailable. Yet will engage in sex with no strings attached and then complain about being lonely. When it’s like a lot of folx are into hook up culture. We get on apps looking for quick sex/fixes. & personally I deal with a lot of transphobia so it adds even more barriers to dating. Which okay I get it , it’s your “preference” but like it’s also wild to dislike or not date an entire population of ppl. Like how is this any different than saying I don’t “insert race of people “ how is that not racist? & I’ll say I rather go where I am celebrated and Wanted than be with someone who hates me. I guess it wouldn’t be such a problem if the transphobes would keep it real. Like how are you transphobic n public yet behind closed doors in my DMs? Like fr if you can’t respect me/love me in public I don’t have time for you. I agree with you on technology & the apps causing issues. Great video & commentary.
I think you're right about the social media having a detrimental effect on physical interaction and conversational skills.
However. Coming from a baby boomer era, i think we also faced the shyness of interacting. Gay bars were notoriously lonely places. Okay; here's the situation. Most men looking are sinking drinks and might end up with someone equally inebriated. Or, there are groups or coupled friends both looking for someone but by being together they give off the untouchable vibes. Screamers, ok; they need someone soecific. Old guys with lecherous attitudes and predatory behavior with younger men.
Now add to that being many miles from a town where there might be a gay bar and getting there requires money and, in some cases, guts to enter or leave safely then facing all the time wasting of trying to interact plus being able to drive home... phew!
For me, it was also that threshold of trust. Is that gorgeous looking man going to find me attractive. Is he clean ??, what if he doesn't have conversational abilities and the only drive is suck ability or fuck ability.
So here we are in 2023. The same issues prevail but unlike the past, social media forces choices to be made instantaneously. Rejection is based on perceived attributes that are untested.
Here's my accumulative input. This era is safer with more equity than ever and instead of surfing the net, use hobbies, social groups or host get togethers away from bars where like-minded people can engage in easy conversation. Fuck buddies are a no no. Stay in your lane. Be true to yourself and and hold the line of integrity and respect. A meaningful relationship is more likely to develop eventually.
I’m a lesbian and it is lonely. I am married but my wife works morning, noon and night. And it is damn hard to make friends past age 30. We formed a small friend group of lesbians (by some miracle) but everyone moved away and that was the end of that.
But your very lucky to be married and have a partner. Most of us do not have anyone. Hope you find joy in what you have ❤
I really don't think being single is the main issue here. What matters more is that gay men, and all of humanity, really, have and maintain organic human connection that transcends our technology. We simply have to teach ourselves, and others, how to accomplish this and lead by example. It's so easy to get hung up on self-doubts and self esteem issues, when really, people in general are much more malleable, forgiving, and compassionate than we initially give them credit for! There's the voice of our childhood in every one of us. Think back to elementary school, how relationships sparked from the most inconsequential of actions. It really is no different as an adult. We just need to let ourselves believe it, open ourselves. Then, it will happen.
It sucks how where I live the gay community is SO small everyone knows eachother for better or worse.
I just don’t know why being full of drama is so prevalent here.
I knew someone who rushed thru a relationship too and ended up being hurt despite my advice.
The fear of being lonely makes people settle too. I loathe dating apps but how the hell do I go up to people 💀
In the old worn-out phrase, all they can tell you is no. And finally you get to the last gay person in town and the answer is no lol
I think because it's more difficult in general to meet available people as a gay man time just passes and we get more time to think about what it means to be in a relationship. In my late 20s I was still kind of looking for someone, but at 31 I've basically realized there's nothing I want or need in life that another guy (or human) is going to provide. A lot of what I looked for in other guys (looks, confidence, self-suficiency, etc) I've now developed in myself, so it's no longer something I find that attractive in others. Sharing some things would be nice, but not at the cost of being stuck with another person... Maybe I'll meet someone one of these days and fall head over heels and all that, but right now I'm seriously convinced that it's just not the road to my happiness. And even if I do find a boyfriend, I would NEVER move in together with someone. It's a whole mess sharing one's home with another person. We can hangout but I'm going back to my place when I need space!
I feel like you. I wonder if that's weird. (a lot of people are pulling for something different, but it feels like an illusion). I wonder what someone like us would be better for?
@@markbeck8384 I guess relationships are a simple form of purpose that people find in life, however idealized they may be. It's more difficult to find that same purpose when life doesn't fall into place like society tells us it should. For me, that seems like the loneliest aspect of not having a relationship. Not being able to relate to other people's worldview and lifestyle and having to find my own meaning for life. I think it makes for a weird life story, but it isn't weird in a wrong or creepy way (some of my acquaintances might strongly disagree, though lol)
You're awesome to create a conversation about this pressing matter. I've had a 15-year relationship and a 3-year relationship and everything in between. Love and monogamous gay relationships are the best things ever. Can't wait to do it again. My ex-husband, who I divorced 15 years ago, has invited me to marry him again, but for less romantic reasons and more mature financial reasons. At 60 things change and it's beautiful.
I'm 70 and I play pickleball and dodgeball with 20 to 30 yr olds and most just aren't interested in a commitment. They like their "freedom".
I’m going to say something that’s going to annoy a lot of people, but it is my opinion. In the straight world, they have a dynamic. Women control access to sex, men control access to relationships/marriage. In the gay world, no one is controlling access to sex. That’s where these flings and open relationships happen. There needs to be a dynamic. Lesbians have the problem of no one doing the chase. Bed death among lesbians is sky high.
Frankly, gays need to adopt a dating model that resembles heterosexuals. To put it quite bluntly, bottoms need to start controlling access to sex better. I could go on about this, but I’ve made my point.
Also, you have to define a relationship beforehand. If a relationship is undefined you are glorified f buddies.
Gays should be monogamous!!!rant
I agree but good luck ever getting gay men to adopt such a model when it runs against the grain of who they fundamentally are. In a ideal world they would adopt the such a system or some other system, but the reality is with men (not just gay men) promiscuity is the law of the land, worse there is no incentive for anyone to change so things will continue to stay the same.
@@Not-Ap We are more than our biology. Yes, our libidos as men are higher, but our willpower as people varies person to person. If we gave into every inkling or every desire, where would we be? This is a defeatist attitude that serves absolutely no one. The conversation needs to be had before anything else, and if even reasonable gay men have this attitude, there's a huge issue.
@@heathen2743 Gay men have been trying have this conversation for years and it's always been sabotaged by other Gay men. The reason why things don't change is because Gay men don't want it to change. 9/10 it's the little brain downstairs making these decisions and I see no way to to get men to listen to there upstairs brain instead. It has to come from them and can't be imposed upon them. If there's one thing gay men are good it's resisting external forms of control imposed on them.
Many gay men do follow those models and still get cheated on and lied to. Its more of a narcissistic tendency in people than anything
This resonates with me as an older gay man, never had a long-term relationship ,maybe lasting one month ... perpetually single, try to connect but so hard as an older gay man. Try to connect but polyamourous is the trend. Yes social anxiety is very very real and scary. So keep on keeping on.
I found your presentation thoroughly engaging, and it left me contemplating the future of dating and relationships. The influence of what we term "social media," which often feels more isolating than social, along with the widespread accessibility of pornography, seems to erect barriers between individuals regardless of their sexual orientation. While it's commonly acknowledged that dating can be challenging for younger generations, consider the added complexity of seeking genuine connection at my age of 69. The landscape feels increasingly daunting.
I must admit, I find you quite striking and charming. If circumstances were different and I were forty years younger, I'd certainly be intrigued by the prospect of dating you.
I know I'm late here but I've been struggling with acceptance and survival, I fully agree with you Matt, I've tried all these "dating" apps for years, they filled with nothing but trash, maybe on the off chance you'd run into someone relatively empathetic, since I'm from a homophobic country, I've not got many options, I wish I could find someone who was into LTR, monogamy, where we value eachother at deeper levels. Someone I could build a stable future with.
I've never been into the random hookups, drugs, alcoholism, smoking etc. I kept asking myself in the past few months, "what happened, where did all the good gay guys go? it's like they just vanished into thin air"...
Once I get to safer shores and find a supportive group of friends, I'd love to share this part of my journey with yall. And yes I'm looking for a bff, if you're out there somewhere, lemme know. Distances can be shortened :)
You talk a lot of sense man, I agree with much of what you are saying, my partner and I have been in a meaningful friendship/relationship now for just over 19 years and yes it has been anything other than a smooth journey, To start with, compatibility, true chemistry and family background, not to mention life long harmful habits. As a queer man it has been a long and frustrating road to travel, often wishing myself to be some one else, yet only to discover I am me and need to embrace that truth, have often wished myself to be str8 only to hear of all the trouble my str8 friends are in and go through, so now I am the happiest I have been to date, and no every thing is not perfect by a long shot. I guess acceptance is a big key for me, as I have accepted myself at a deeper level, so too have those I socialise with accepted me in a far more open way, I do not hide my sexual orientation nor do I flaunt it, I am just me, like it or lump it, that has become my 'mantra' now.
Thanks to you who read my blab, hope it may help some one who is in inward pain and frustration. namaste
Totally agree on the pornography thing, it's dangerous. It seems that relationships where a couple have their own individual goals and support one another in attaining those goals is really important. Getting to really know the other person is crucial. Not relying on advice from gay culture with is selfish and petty a lot of the time. I actually like to get advice or observe from my straight friends who are happily married and I see how they talk and they way they build space for their partner to flourish. I mean seriously why would you get relationship advice from people who are troubled or broken.
"...well, I give up"
"Well, that's **your** problem"
😂 so true!
Im so tired i’d rather die than be alone forever
Happy to be single
As a 24 year-old despite my feelings I'm just not doing this. I'm planning on moving to a completely different state and maybe things will change then because I'll be in a larger area but I'm doubtful. I've had significantly more bad experiences than good ones in my life. It feels like trying to spark a connection leads to misery because nobody's on the same page. I was in and out of therapy for about a year and that did nothing. I'm at my wit's end thinking about having to commit my whole life to someone. Once it was my dream to find "the one" and live "happily ever after" with someone but as a result of the social decay, technology and the bullshit it's just never going to happen. I'll enjoy my life forever alone.
Are You From Ohio
Hello, do you still think you will be forever alone after almost 1 year? I wondered it
Matt I think you are very smart and insightful (and cute), If I were your age and lived near you I would def, want to date you. ps- in the 70s when I was in my teens and 20s, gay men were much the same as you described the ones of today, but I think it has gotten worse for the reasons that you cited.
Matt, you're adorable!
The old gays are singel too.. for manogumus gays it is really hard.
Yes. Newly single after 12 years. I am much more attractive in person. I smell nice, always. It's soooooo hard everything online.
No need for guess work to understand this. Men are often the most to have Avoidant attachment wounds, the gay shame wound exacerbates this. A lot of our behaviour is relation to others is governed but insecurities. If you really want ti understand why someone was so into you then dropped the “I’m just not ready for a relationship blah blah blah” or ghosted you, research Attachment theory, especially Dismissive Avoidant style or read the booked Attached.
Also, it can be exacerbated by a bad relationship, and yes, this often ends in a cycle of serial dating as they chase the high and validation of new people because they’re associate love with the dopamine high, but when that runs out, they run out because they haven’t learnt to bond after that initial feeling
Honestly I am soo tired of being gay I have wanted a relationship for awhile I pour my all into relationships and I end up being ghosted or it just doesn't work I'm just tired!
My question is.... why is an otherwise proud gay man, still very much single with no dating experience what so ever. At 55yo and counting.??? Is my only option to grow old, even further out of shape. Impotent. Only to die and pass away still very much alone 😔 cross ✝️
I am 61 and Gay. Cruising was how you met others. Falling I. love with straight guys hurts because it just ain’t gonna happen. Gay guys can be catty and cruel. The fat and ugly are not welcomed. Many suicide or get lured into Ex Gay crowd. I’ve met those ex gays and they are truly messed up. Born this way is a great song.
You sound like you have a lot on your chest! Love these one on ones!
Very good video. Keep up the great work.
Long story short. When gay men are younger they enjoy many partners and refuse to let go of the hookup phase/culture. As they get older , say, 50s thats when they want a relationship because men in general dont mature emotional; until later in life. However, when you reach your 50s, dating becomes 10x more difficult than when you are younger, thus lonely forever. In my opinion gay men really need to work on their mental health. Thats the main issue.
I have same thoughts as you.. wish i can express it like you do..
You need to know. How to live with someone, most do not seem interested in this.
That's if you want a relationship. That doesn't mean that something is wrong.
I'm 60 and been single all my life !
As a gay man, sex is very easy, a relationship is virtually impossible, no one wants to commit or their chasing the next best thing. I gave up looking for both years ago, as a gay men, sorry but I've tuned out looking at men completely and just concentrate on what makes me happy and healthy and I don't feel like I'm missing anything ? One tip I would add is, Never settle for a cheat or a guy who's married, wtf is that about ? Lol
Awe.. bless your heart and so happy that you found happiness ❤
@2:55 preach! This sound's correct. @03: 19, correct. I ain't buying the fantasy. Give me real contact and I will ben happier to see my self with a guy and whether I was to see you again the sane goes for the other person.
Wait till you are over 50! I gave up on the dating scene a long time ago, and so far have no regrets being single! there just isn't enough monogamous oriented like minded, and emotionally stabled gay men available.
It's because you have no emotional intimacy. That's the failure. I invented Night Game to teach people emotional intimacy. And no I'm not single.
Society don´t help either. It´s difficult to be a homossexual man in work places and we are bombard with heterossexual shit that comes all over the place 24/7. We are invisible, we don´t have protection like women and heterossexual couples have, because we are a minority and we are viewed like crazy/sick people. We have fears and serious traumas that it´s almost impossible to erase. It´s destructive.
Hey Matt, you’re looking good. Take care and be well. Those eyes….😂
I was in a great relationship until his addiction to drugs but I will reconcile on getting back with him
Why is it a “serious problem”?
Apps, gay bars, etc. Just all suck. But meeting a gay guy IRL that you click with and that he would be single is rarer than winning the lottery. I'm just completely tired of it all and gave up. Straight guys dont have this problem they can go up to most girls, either they are single, or they are taken. That's 50/50. Whether they could be interested is another thing entirely, but the option is always there in every venue, not just a gay bar, which even though may seem common, many many many areas dont have one. The closest one for me is over an hour away and I live in a blue state.
All relationships are governed by soul contracts. If you contracted and agreed with another to have a relationship then it will happen for you. Such information can be accessed from your subconscious. If you are looking for a partner you can always ask your subconscious. Have a think about what you want in a partner. Be specific. Then ask your subconscious for the partner based on those specifics.
54 and had a lot of sex but never been on one date in my life. Total dysfunction 😂
Can i just say, as an old poof, that social media and pornography are a disaster.
With today's online media, social platforms, and advertisements showcasing what are deemed as the 'hottest' individuals, millennials and Gen Zs often feel pressured to emulate these ideals or seek them in others. It's quite astonishing how much time the current generation spends online, or on dating apps, looking for that fantasy/hot guy. The surge in narcissism these days is also concerning. Nowadays, young guys have become incredibly self-absorbed, frequently sharing shirtless photos or other revealing images for the whole world to see. What is that about? Finding someone? Really?Placing so much importance on someone’s aesthetics, they are unlikely to find partners who meet standards which are created for them by the aforementioned media. Unrealistic expectations = single. A troubling trend in some gay communities is the exclusionary dating rules, particularly on dating apps, like 'no fats, no femmes, no blacks, no Asians,' passed off as preferences. Regardless of the terminology used, it clearly sets unnecessary boundaries and limits their relationship prospects.
I am grateful to be part of the Boomer generation. Navigating relationships in today's world, where social apps often initiate connections, seems challenging and impersonal to me. Years ago, socializing and forming intimate connections were paramount. Pheromones, after all, don't transmit through an iPhone. My husband and I have been together for 34 years and are now happily retired, cherishing one another and the personal connections we've made over the years. I truly believe none of that would have happened if we were part of these younger generations.
It's also waaay easier for most men disconnect sex from love and intimacy more than most women. Women may experience sex as another form of an intimate connection, whereas most men just don't do that, it just pleasure for pleasure sake and NOTHING more. That's why dating is so tough for gay men. You may have one guy who is really trying to make a connection with another, while most other men looking for a date are drivin by sex only. That's frustrating for both sides of the date. I'm 38 and I totally agree with you on dating aps. You can't just swipe left/right in real life. The human connection is what's needed most for a date to become a relationship. Even having your phone out when on a date, displays to the other that your attention is divided, they aren't that important. Especially on a first date.
A lot of young gay man can’t handle a long term relationship they don’t know what they want even they are in their 30’s
If both are financially stable, it is difficult to stay together. It has to be one depends on another. This is my advise and i am in the fifties
Very few gay men will agree to such a partnership. Most have hopes and dreams of their own. They don't wanna give that for already established partner who wants wife 2.0 just because he's gay. Men are not women. That arrangement is just not gonna work.
@@Not-Ap my bf is a straight man. It is nice to come home dinner is ready, when washing machine is down, he fixes it, whenever I have electrical problem, he fixes it, he cleans the house and the best thing you have a person to hug.. He is 18years younger than me
Dude no offense but most of this was a rant
Preachhhhh 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
0:4:00 - Agree the I look at that, and still hope to find a homogenous relationship.
Because they suck at interpersonal skills. This is a male thing in general, except that straight males are positively reinforced for this and just dump the emotional labour on women.
I,Would Date A Single Gay Man I,m A Older Gay Man From Ohio
At conception one is not a whole being. As the fetus grows and develops, it becomes more and more human. As a baby grows it is trying to become more whole and acceptable as well as healthily acclimated.
Normally, most straight people are half persons trying to become whole persons as they age. There are many variations and extremes.
For gay men (Perhaps women as well), typically they are one quarter persons trying to become whole persons, but 3 quarter persons are good enough and often times encouraged within the established community.
How many gay men are not absolutely messed up with inferiorities, some chronic mental disorder, drug/alcohol/tobacco addiction, sex addiction, narcissism, depression, gender or sexuality disphoria, compulsive disorder, general self doubt, or some one of many other disorders or lack of growth and development? Who could be gay without some of that?
Now trying to find a stable partnership loving caring supporting relationship within battling all that? Not likely. The odds are against you. Oh! Yes, of course. To solve the problem, polyamory and open relations were introduced and now no one is held accountable and integrity is not a concern. Everyone does their own thing as long as it is held within set boundaries or not! So there really is no such thing as that special exclusive one. Insanity continues and gets worse.
oh no when i meet some one i like on apps iam on the phone with them fast if we click on the app iam from da old school if they deny talking to me on the phone it shows there not that interested on me
i dont like dateing ppl that are perfect , a diamond in the ruff , i cant handle perfect gays
Don't really care actually.
I know my body and my pleasure better than anyone else will, can, or could know.
I will relish in my virginity and singleness, I will savor the fruits of self-pleasure, I will drink from the elixir of self-love. I know how to scream my own name.
Ask yourself this:
Do you want a relationship because YOU want one or do you want a relationship because society has told you, you want one?
Most of the single gays are bottoms including me we are all looking for that supersize PP they are rare as you know and usually when you find it the personality doesn't match so yeah it's a mess all around 🤦🏻♂️
I 100% agree I'm Bottom too where I'm from it's a small town and the guy's are not my type they are so rude and full of Sh*t Lol all the guy's I like live far away I can't wait to move away maybe I will find someone I hope Lol I wish everyone the best that is looking for love 🤘😍🤘
Haha this is so true. I wish I wasn't this shallow, but I really can't see myself dating a guy on the smaller side... It's really one of the things that one looks for in a relationship right? If I'm only looking for great conversation I can just go make friends haha A few years ago I would have fallen for a guy before even seeing it, but these days they basically introduce themselves on grindr with a d*** pic! Like, dude, keep it to yourself, ask me out for a coffee haha share your personality first and maybe you'll have a chance xD
The majority of men aren't hung like king kong. If your looking for that to exclusion of other factors than your gonna be searching for awhile. It's like saying you only date multi millionares. That's a pretty limited to pool and there's only so many to go around and most probably won't be interested in you anyway.
Yeah... as soon as I figure out a person has a size requirement, I tend to distance myself from that person, if they seriously can't see themselves dating someone because of something they can't control, then they aren't worth my time. It's the same thing as a straight guy saying they'll never date a flat chested person. It's fucked up either way.
@@brandon17760 We all deal with some physical aspect that has the potential to be unattractive to others. But... We also don't owe other people our intimacy, so it's really up to each person to deal with their issues and preferences, I guess. It really says more about how we deal with rejection than anything else. I realize that 100% of people have the right to not be attracted to me at all. I'm lucky that's not the case, but it's a possible and valid scenario. And maybe in 20 years that will be the case, as I'll get older and lose what little physical attractiveness I still have. I won't be blaming anyone for that, it's just how reality works.
It’s stilllike this today I got the best tools to build a relationship with the guy I like and he like me just got to learn to be truthful we each other in difficult situations,learn to not be so proud full , and be yourself and communicate a lot , and things we go smooth I don’t talk negative about about a relationship I getting involve with , that’s means you really don’t like the person I like your channel an I am out peace
Understood I’ll try dating women because gay men aren’t it clearly