A Narcissist's Profound Struggle With Core Shame
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
- Even though it may be subconscious, narcissists enter adulthood running away from shame. Dr. Les Carter discusses how this problem is a central feature in the way they respond to you. They project onto you what they cannot come to terms with inside themselves.
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Shame is the Narcissist’s worse enemy
Yet they make the victim pay the price.
and being held accountable
@@marmaladesunrise Yes, they sure do!
Yup, accountability doesn't exist in their world
Yes! They have Zero humour- Infinite Drama, blame & Shame.
Unfortunately the narcissists shame is short lived
No it lasts their whole life.
@@jeanetteshawredden5643: yes but the false self will suppress it but it’s there deep down, sure
@Jeanette Shaw Redden I got what you are saying.
They live in shame
Thank you, Dr. Carter. I am not a Narcissist but I can say that I have quite a huge amount of shame due to being abused as a child by Narcissistic parents and later in life, my ex-husband. I am able however to self-reflect and not pass on this legacy of shame, feeling inadequate and undeserving to my children. I pray for complete healing of my body, mind and heart. Blessings to everyone here too. 🙏🌷
Best wishes, Moira, and please know I'm honored to be on the journey with you!
@@Chris-dw7gq fleas?
Hi Moira, I agree with you. I was abused by Narcissist parents and married for 27 years with one. Took me years to understand. Shame is what society reinforces still in the 21st century. Not easy to deal with. I too reflect and I am still in counselling. Well done you for being a good mum, and woman. You don't know me but I know there are many that don't pass on their suffering.
God bless you and your family 🙏🙏
@@lauralovitt787 fleas means the unhealthy habits of a narc can sometimes jump onto you, or get transferred onto you. ♡
That's exactly right. The narcissist has absolutely no humility. This is why they can't reflect on their bad behavior towards others. There's no remorse or empathy or caring or compassion or caring about the hurt that they cause other people.
They truly are broken people. It's actually quite sad.
That’s why narcissistic rage is so intense and inappropriate. When they are called out for their bad behaviour, it cracks open their delusional false self of perfection for everyone to see. They believe they need to be perfect in order to be acceptable. There is no in between. It is just so shameful for them to admit to any kind of flaws; the level of shame it induces is intolerable so they rage. There is no type of anger that can compare to a guilty narcissist’s rage! It scorches and burns everyone within their vicinity.
bingo! remove yourself and let them self destruct!🎯
For a Narc, shame is quickly overpowered by pride. Thank you everyone who appreciates the counseling of these videos. I would love to meet you personally and thank you for being who you are. 😊😊😊😊
pride is their defense mechanism 💯🎯
That’s why they need a shit kicking doll(scapegoat) to shift the shame over to that person.
They may actually "feel" ashamed sometimes - but they quickly bounce back to their awful-old-self like a golf-ball striking a stone-wall.
god I wish I had noticed all of this earlier. I am 59 and only recently woke up to both parents being narcs and both siblings. Had a feeling about three of them, but with parents you can't quite believe it. The sister was a total shock. She had played the game with cognitive empathy so well, but it was all just mirroring. Total BS
Their shame isn’t in their behaviour. They don’t regret anything they do. They feel 100% justified in treating the people they believe are beneath them worse than garbage. The shame they have is much deeper. They feel like their existence is shameful, that they’re defective fundamentally, that they’re unlovable and pieces of garbage down to the very core of their being, but it’s so subconscious and internalized that they don’t know it. That’s why they are such monsters; they’re in deep pain and project it onto the world.
They have toxic shame and no remorse or guilt. Their shame is what controls their behavior.
Core shame is the soul’s eating emotion and it is like a deadly illness which the narcisists suffer from and they want to pass it on to others. They would rather suffer than humble themselves to see the truth. Their pride and arrogance block and isolate them in their loneliness full of self-hatred and contempt for others. They are troubled souls. Thank you dr Carter.
1000% correct!💯🎯
It reminds me of a movie scene where someone says, “Do not look into the light!” They cannot look at the yucky feeling they have inside and make it better, so they certainly cannot let us see it either…at all costs.
Shame prevents narcissists from ever taking responsibility for anything. There is no sense of healthy or appropriate shame and cannot separate self from correctable behavior.
My ex used to say to me “anytime I have a complaint or criticize something you take it as a character assassination
because you become so defensive”. I was so perplexed by this. Projection much!
Narcissist feel shame but when you prove them wrong and that life doesn't revolve around them. They feel like they have failed they might say a bunch of negative things about you. But the proof is in the pudding and they will make those changes. Bc narcissists are chameleons. So don't mind the narcissist just keep doing your best. Your best is something a narcissist can never achieve.
It seems to me that the defenses are SO effective, that indeed the shame is far away in the unconscious and the individual does not actually experience shame.
You're onto it!
The struggle was profound, in a way, until it was discovered that by blaming me for everything, at least some of the shame went away.
Yes, I was to blame for her weight problem, her father’s tendency to pick on her, the fact that she had no college degree, that once-close friends avoided her, that the house was too much of a mess to entertain in, the list went on. And on and on. And I listened. And tried to solve each problem I had created for her.
To blame you deviates from her problems that are now just that. HER problems 👍
Yes, if they can "project" their shame onto you, it lightens their load so they can breathe easier & function better in the world. At your expense of course.
It's like unto a cold floor and your slippers have been pee'd in. 🤭
@@myhalowithin Lol. A colorful thought. Yet accurate.
@@aaronkwolfe
it was inspired by your comment in chat. lol
Shame is the truth exposing them! 😢 Truth confronts .. truth separates .. and these toxic individuals are definitely shame and fear based. 😢
Yes you need to have a sense of shame at certain points of time
I have more than once seen a narcissist feel deeply ashamed by some incidental thing that was not a big deal - and it was sad. I mean, the person was hurting so bad that after seeing that, I felt bad on behalf of someone who could be cold hearted. Sadly, I think the shame didn't bust their bubble. They just walled off harder.
BIG TIME 😊😊😊
Yep. You tey to talk to them and they rage at you and call you names.
Yup, my narc was in fits over a yearly physical and prostate exam. I was like get over it, we all do uncomfortable crap. He just couldn't let go of what he deemed being violated. But it's perfectly ok for the rest of us, just not him!
Right - they add another brick to the wall between them and others and God.
my narcs (both parents, both siblings). Father passed now, he was explosive and made me feel worthless except at those times when I was performing and successful and it elevated him as a father. Mother quietly pursued her own life and made constant digs at me. really mean, like "what did you do wrong to get cancer?". the brother is a sadist, manipulator, used to call me names but now in his 50s has become so sophisticated in his manipulation, he can get anyone to do his dirty deed and be his flying monkey. He is a lawyer, who hasn't worked but taken my parents to the cleaners all his life. Had everything paid for him, cars, rent, electricity, even his wife's wedding ring! yet carries a doctor title like a trophy in front of himself. The sister is a covert narc and boy she has it all sussed out. She fooled me for 50 years until recently. Both the father and the sister were executives in big companies. I should have guessed earlier they weren't going to be kind, compassionate people....My heart has been broken so many times I have now gone no contact with all.
Shame in an inappropriate way is ostrazization and encouraging someone to unalive themselves. Necessary warranted shame is when it causes a person to look inward and better their character. Self reflect on their personality. In a narcissist case they are looking at everyone else that is functioning and thriving in the right way and makes them question why can't i achieve this. What in my personality can i change to be like that achieve all those benefits.
Agreed. For me I'd characterise it more as deep regret when I've been and acted in a way that wasn't right at that time but I didn't realise because of how I grew up. Now I feel upset and regret for certain things in the past how I was or acted with certain people and pets because I had fleas from my family and didn't understand or wasn't coping. I'd love to be able to go back and change things if I could. Narcissists I've found have core toxic shame they use to control others by their own projections of everything must look right! My family would have thrown me under a bus if it made their idea of family look right. Figuratively speaking that's exactly what they did. My 80 year old mom is still fond of her accusations that I'm somehow a bad person if I have an opinion. This is the same woman who of plains about how neighbours houses look, how people are dressed, how they act etc.... she will even side with with a toxic person against me if it suits her narrative of looking good. Two faced controllers
Despite me being in the wrong once, I can see in watching your videos how a narcissist I deal with is constantly trying to bring up the past, deflect his deficiencies and try to keep all the focus on me. You're right in the view of self-improvement and reflection. They can't see that
We need to have a sense of right and wrong...and reasonable shame is necessary
Experiencing shame is necessary, correct for self-regulation, self-correction, accountability, personal growth, but when a person wrongs another, experiences shame but does not experience guilt for wronging instead blaming the other for their shame that is when it becomes toxic and self-defeating.
Well, shame is not anything that you ever need to feel. You need to acknowledge where you made a mistake at or whatever, but shame, guilt, fear, or embarrassment shouldn't be associated with that.
@@ladennayoung2939 Incorrect! Shame is a normal healthy human emotion. It is only when it becomes crippling self-deprecating type of shame that results in inability to self reflect and self regulate is when it turns into a serious problem, especially in narcissistic people because then they want to place their shame onto others by blame, gaslighting and lies.
@@iraidushka So true. And we’ll stated.
I’m putting this in my notes book.
When a 5 yr old I took a butterfly hair clip from an older friend. I felt so terrible for it. Shame and guilt. My Mom took me to return it to the friend with an apology. This events stayed with me all my life. These feelings are part of us to use for good. If not properly addressed this could lead to a life of deception towards others and ourselves. If we continue this pattern without remorse we lose ourselves into selfishness. We become a thief in more things than just a physical item. We hurt those we love. Becoming unlikable.
I am grateful for this lesson I learned very young.
@@LiveforHim73 ❤️❤️❤️
The caliber of fear Narcissists have towards the prospect of experiencing shame is equal to the caliber of fear the rest of us experience in an objectively life threatening situation.
I think it is so sad that they have this shame but due to a lack of self-reflection they are unable to help themselves. I am learning that I cannot help them :( . Certainly not without hurting myself.
bingo!💯🎯 their cowards at heart! that's probably where the saying "a coward dies a thousand deaths" came from. distance urslf, they'll crash and burn!💪🏾🗣
Yup, looking at that shame and feeling it means literally facing death.
My narcissist calls me stupid!
and the N TREATS you as stupid, inferior and below them.
If that is all you are called, your lucky. 😊😊😊
You're not stupid, you're amazing!👍 God bless you!
My kids were outside playing and the younger got hurt. The older, who was in charge of the activity, said he felt guilty when it happened. I could see 2 paths open up at that point.
1. Let him know accidents happen and it's not his fault and I know it's hard to see the younger hurt.
2. Lay into him for what happened and make sure he knew what happened could have been prevented if he had been paying attention (which is a complete lie).
When you start to learn about the toxic person's inner workings, it becomes easier to prevent passing that particular legacy to the next generation.
How true. My father even laid into me about things that were not my fault! Now 80 he came to me and said he was happy he has never been bullied in his life (a lie as his father was a terrible man). The other lie is he is a huge bully of his own family!
bingo!💯🎯
Guilt is something that affects you. Shame is something you do that affects someone else.
My ex stepfather narc married a narc which I consider to be worse than him. I went no contact way before this. He has a new family in hers, whom I never met. He's probably told them that I'm a bad daughter. He's no shame. They are welcome to him 👍
I honestly have never seen my narc act shameful, and there are times when he should have been.
u won't see it, that's part of their mask! they'll internalize it and it'll snowball into a cycle of cowardly behavior whr their self esteem is so low they have to put others down to feel better, ironically they never feel better it's just a pathetic cycle...🗣
No they’re not ashamed of their behaviour. That’s not what Dr Carter is saying. Trust me, they’re not ashamed whatsoever in the ways they mistreat people. They believe they are fully entitled and justified. Their shame is deep within themselves that they’ve internalized into their souls, so deep is their shame that it’s too hard to face, so it’s buried 10 feet into the ground. Their shame is regarding themselves as human beings, they believe that their very existence is an abomination, that they’re not worthy of life and love, that they’re unacceptable and pieces of garbage just by being born. So this is not to be confused with any shame related to their behaviour; they don’t have any. Their appalling behaviour is a direct result of these feelings deep within their souls. It’s paradoxical because they really have nothing to be ashamed of to begin with but in the efforts to cover it up they become a truly shameful monster.
@@ingrid3578 agreed. 🙏🏽💜
the worst is being forced to live in their darkness - everyday - all the time.
It's bad enough being shamed, but then they persuade others that you have done the very things they did, even when you lived out the opposite. Then they all treat you with contempt and don't believe you when you say that you didn't.
Let them go. If they wish you dead, they're never going to love you again.
bingo!💯🎯
The narcissist projects his unbearable core shame onto his insignificant other -you. After keenly watching you for a while interacting with others , finding out about your emotions he knows which "buttons " to push to get you upset. If he manages to get you very angry he feels superior . 1: 0 for the narcissist, in his mind that is. However you do not even know the "game" .
bullseye
What I can't figure out is why they let shame rule their entire existence? Shame, really??
Where does that kind of imbalance come from??
@@jeanettecook1088 I wonder if the core shame they have comes from a profound sense of being rejected by parental figures???
@@nancyparker8363 That's a good hypothesis, but what causes it when there was no abuse and no trauma? I've asked psychologists, over the years, how does narcissism form without trauma? 😳 I know of at least one case where this happened. There are probably more.
So far, not one expert, not H G Tudor, not Dr Vaknin, Dr Todd Grande, nor any other, has answered me. Hopefully someone will soon.
Jeanette these individuals has a different d’n’r. Different nervous system.
The more I research this topic the more I realize how much online comments echo Narsisictic patterns.
Shame is one reason narcissists feel not able to admit or apologize for their part! 😥 😔
Yes. Exactly.
This didnt show up right away and I was emotionally thinking red flags dissmissed for decades. I made it Dr C you are one of the many educated me to expert in covert narcissim did everything wrong but that word when heard described my issues ran with it its not me but imagine how many time I fell pray. Three weeks gone still watch healing techniques. Chidult 66 years old I seen all the tactics in the end and collapse of my sons mother. Seeing her stuck and unable self reflect I am healing now finally PTSD needs subside and cortisal levels too. Andy B
The shame is very short. Before I had even read their confession (thankfully mostly screenshotted) they deleted all the messages and said they had sent me some messages in error…
This showed the evil in that person ..... he/she knew they were wrong but pulled back the confession, .... probably because they figured out a "better plan" to manipulate you ! ZERO sincerity !!!
This is so true, Dr. C. I had noted early in the marriage how my ex’s family (with many siblings) would always look for someone to blame for everything that went wrong. It was never about “can we do better” but always about “whose fault is it” followed by an inquisition that destroyed j the “offender”. I suspect that’s where it came from, this incessant need to never be wrong and to always “win” every conversation and especially to ultimately pin blame on someone else (especially those closest to her).
My husband is 'normal' but I have grown up with both narc parents and both narc siblings and I have real trouble myself admitting that I am wrong because I got absolutely hammered if I ever did in that household I grew up in. Over two decades now I have been practising saying sorry because I can with my husband, he won't hit me over the head. But my kids probably saw that I didn't apologise much. I just wasn't aware when they grew up of all my learned dysfunction.
That's my father and mom. My father would have been a good inquisitor at the inquisition. 99% of the time the supposed 'incident' was in his own head! My mom similarly disallowed any normal childhood emotions and only perfect behaviour and adoration of her was good enough. I had the look of a childhood with toys etc.. but always felt like an adult in a child's body having to deal with all their ridiculous ways. The fun stuff was never really fun because of waiting for the hammer to fall. Anything could set either of them off
Narc would rather burn the world down just to avoid facing her shame. Instead of my making a simple phone call and talk over our problem like an adult, she would rather influence(using her side or her story and create something from thin air) and destroy all my relation with every relatives i know to stand on her side to influence(subdue) me to submit to her. I told her, 'stop using others mouth to talk to me', while she didn't even try to use her own.
ur exactly right!💯💯💯🎯
I believe there is also core work to be done by the person who is attracted to and triggered by the narcissist.
Agreed.
Thank you for this video. Invasive Shame is the cornerstone of narcissistic personalities and certainly the lock of their emotional development and ability to introspect.
Unable to solve their problems, and deeply disturbed by their thoughts , as you said once they try to control the exterior , to control others and project on them their bad behaviour and hurt them.
The story of Cain and Abel illustrates well that story, shame came first….
thank you for your insight about the 'deeply disturbed about their thoughts' . The father wrote deep poetry but I couldn't read it any more because it became more and more disturbed. Everyone thought how 'sensitive' he was but recently I said to everyone he was self-focused. His sensitivity never was compassion for others, he was just a narc. I got hammered for that of course by the other 4 narcs in my family (mother, two siblings and cousin) who totally worship the father narc who has now passed away. They recently held a eulogy evening where they read his poetry. I didn't go and went no contact now with all of them
A great reminder of their driving motivations. My narcissistic friend thought he had been slighted by me so he went off one day and it was crushing because he interrupted me reminding him that the next day was my birthday. A few days later I asked him if he wanted to end the friendship and he had a complete meltdown and started screaming that I was overreacting. I kept pushing to try and have a descriptive thinking type conversation and he kept getting more and more unhinged as he kept retreating from that. The abuse happened, gaslighting happened, denial silent treatment everything. Finally I snapped and sent him a text where I bluntly said hey that day a while back, you actually demolished me on my birthday. You just utterly demolished me. His response was to delete weeks of unhinged rants and break off all contact. And then I found out about narcissistic behavior and I saw that in attempting to have an honest conversation with a friend who I thought was maybe going through depression or something like bipolar, I had basically hit his weak spot multiple times. It's been two years and sometimes I still need to refresh my memory about these kinds of materials and reframe the situation and remind myself that I didn't know what was going on with him.
I absolutely do not believe that my narcissistic family has any shame. They have done nothing but Justify and protect each other from the abusive they have inflicted on me.
"What they see in you is what they cannot come to terms with on the inside of themselves." From all your videos Dr. Carter, I think is the is THE most powerful statement.
I do believe our mother "shamed" my half- sister as a child, due to a bone condition which left one arm and her legs slightly deformed. I think the shame set her up to shoot over the top and slam it right back to elderly mom and myself. She is also 18 years younger than I am, so I was never there to protect her, and so we never bonded as children, like my elder brother and I.
You would think they would use that to stop doing shameful thing, but no.....
Dating a narcissist is torture for many reasons but this is a big one. They react ridiculously to the smallest things as if you are trying to murder them if you want to talk about how to improve things in the relationship and work as a team. It's so easy to trigger their core shame. God forbid you trigger it then you will receive hell. And it never makes sense why. The ex narc lumped all his shame onto me and blamed me for everything that happened in the relationship. It was so toxic.
they refuse to accept accountability, they'd rather live in denial. they're not team players at all because a team requires equals joining forces, they have to put u down so they feel better! they must have 1 up in their mind. its a mental illness, stay away as much as possible. 🙏🏽
I have a lot if shame over some things that I have done. My wife found out about some of them , but refused to let me forget them. Her narcissism took them all as personal attacks on her . I have acknowledged everything I did. None if it was so terrible that it should be brought up constantly. Some of it was before we ever met when I was single .
I feel terrible that it brought out this in her.
Wow these sessions get better and better. This one goes to the heart of how I am feeling. My narcissist is growing worse. He has had five jobs. He keeps getting sacked as he looses his temper and shouts at people. He has shouted at me and several other neighbours, and yet he has no shame. I would be so embarrassed if I was sacked once but five times. He simply can’t get a job, and yet he has no shame. He tells people I was sacked for shouting at a child. Then he lies I didn’t do it. But he has a history of shouting at people. He does it all the time, and then he blames others. He shouted at me and now has nothing nice to say about me. I didn’t shout back I just walked away and have not spoken to him since. He is no longer in my world. I have firm boundaries and do not accept men who shout at women. That is not ok. He has no shame and insists on blaming me. The thing is now… he has a pattern and everyone sees it. Everyone knows he can’t keep a job and has a bad temper.all I can say is rock on. You are nothing but a complete failure.thank you dr c. This session is brilliant.Judy from uk
Thanks, Judy! And thanks for adding your story.
My sister would tell my narcissistic mum how her teacher was abusive. Mum turned it around to say it was my sister’s fault. Lucky I was there - my class was next door & I heard her teacher yelling & screaming. We all did- even the Principal!
The teacher would put her feet up on the desk, smoke & drink coke a cola during class. She would ask an 8 yr old to walk to the shop without adults- to buy cakes & drinks. (We were warned at different times that there was a predator around). At that time, I was 9 and I was stopped by one.
But I digress, so I told my mum, she is a bad teacher, it’s not her (my sister’s) fault’. But my mum always shamed my sister. My sister developed narcissistic tendencies.
Ok maybe but they still dish more than they receive.
I think shame is, unfortunately, the driving force behind a lot of our (codependence/narcissistic relationship) problems.
Less shame from us and strive to be there to support and enhance the next generation.
These people are not worthy of our time.
Our children are depending on us!
"I think shame is, unfortunately, the driving force behind a lot of our (codependence/narcissistic relationship) problems."
I think so too. You can also see it on social media. Alot of hot potato with shame in online debates. Seems alot of online debates is basically about where to point fingers, and so the cycle begins.
You are such a blessing Dr Carter .. Thank you so much for being on this healing journey with me!! I really appreciate you! 🙌🕊️❤️✝️
Sweet little Gussy half on his blanket today!! Lol
Thank you!!! This completely explains why I hate myself and feel so unwanted and unworthy. My narcissistic mom put her distorted thinking all on me!!!
bingo! their self esteem is so low they have to put u down to feel better, my narc father is thee worst!! I just found this info in January 2023 and a light bulb went off! distance urslf from them and peoplelike them, they'll self destruct! stay strong and become stronger 💪🏾💪🏾🙏🏽
Be healed in Jesus’ Mighty Name 🤍🙏
@@womanofgod2199 Thank you 😊 🙏 ❤️
I am s..o sorry!! My heart goes out to you. The pain of cognitive distortion is s..o great. It must have been horrendous for you 😥🌹😓. That was my story too.... for decades 😢💔😥!! My natural light, vibrancy, humour and optimism were eroded bit by bit by a narcissistic Mum and siblings. I could not even put into words the 'catastrophic' trauma and harm that has ensued over past decades as a result. I am with you in your suffering. Thoughts and Prayers. 😓💔😢🙏❤❤❤
As soon as a get half of the home we bought together, I'll be free. Thank God he's in another country.
ON THE DAY I WALKED AWAY FROM MY SISTER, I HAD FELT THIS TERRIBLE SHAME WELL UP IN
ME, THE WAY SHE SPOKE TO ME, I DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT BUT I DECIDED THATS
IT IVE HAD ENOUGH; I HAVENT SEEN HER SINCE, WHEN SHE RANG ME I GAVE HER A LIST OF
ABUSES , SHE GASLIT ME I DONT ANSWER HER CALLS,
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SPEAK TO HER OR BE AROUND HER EVER AGAIN; SHE IS SOMEONE
I DO NOT LIKE, AND SHE IS NOT WORTHY OF WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER AS A PERSON! AUSTRALIA!
This is gonna be good!
Thank you for this meaningful discussion of shame. I found the connection between shame and exaggeration to be very useful. I feel shame when I think about instances in the past in which I acted with exaggeration and directed too much energy/resources/hopes/initiative, etc. toward people and situations that were asymmetric, incompatible and, in retrospect, highly likely to result in rejection or shallowness. I have learned-and am still learning-that moderation and symmetry in relationships is very important for building deeper roots and avoiding the feeling of shame. There is a fine line that separates earnestness from exaggeration, and learning to not cross that line can also provide better protection from shame.
My husband was very tied to his mother. I now think she was as much a narcissist as he is. He was in his 30s, had a twin sister, was married to me and we had three kids, and he allowed his mother to buy his suits, shoes, shirts and even an overcoat. His sister did not get anything, nor did her or my kids unless my father in law bought them gifts. No matter what I said, my husband continued this pattern with his mother until her death. I think this behavior just fed his narcissism.
Yes the greed of the mother.
Descriptive thinking....that feels spot on. Recently a neighbor shamed me in public based on her assumptions of obviously watching me come and go. It took sometime but i realized she was projecting probably out of her own overwhelmed life. I also now recognize that I have long been inauthentic w her. I was accommodating. Looking forward to May 16 webinar. I am pleased thru descriptive thinking I cut the cord. Feels very good. Many thanks.
It's not just Shame that they feel intensely. It's all emotions and how they tend to over-experience all of them over what should be trivial issues.
I've watched the narc in my family have a massive fit that lasted for nearly 3 weeks over something that was 'stolen' from them. The item was never stolen from them, Its true owner got tired of asking for it back and being ignored, so they came and got it themselves when the narc was not home
The wild part was the reaction when he found out its true owner had taken it back months earlier. His reaction was that since the narc couldn't prove it was ever his, to begin with, and that the true owner couldn't prove it was theirs as well, that being the narc had it last and for a very long time it must have been their the whole time despite the fact everyone in the family knew full well who owned the item for years because we had all borrowed it (then properly returned it when done with it) many times.
It's shame. Trust me. More than likely, they were seriously abused during childhood and raised by a parent or parents who were narcissistic as well. My mother and her siblings were raised in an abusive household. Things were going on with them, and instead of their mother dealing with the person or people that were abusing them (some of her other children). She took the abusers side and basically blamed them for the abuse, amongst other things. They were the ones who got a whooping and verbally emotionally and mentally abusive. So, now, if my mother feels as though someone else has certain issues. She will blame them, and the shame she feels encourages her to never really acknowledge her shortcomings. It encourages her to only point out and put down other people who have certain issues. If you confront them with something that may have hurt your feelings that they said or did towards you. They will become very defensive, ignore you, and attack you. That stems from the shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, and abandonment that they feel from the inside. Yes. They struggle with other things, of course, but the shame they feel is in the center of it all. That is why they never really apologize. If they do apologize, it isn't very sincere, authentic, or genuine whatsoever.
We talk about narcs and their shame but what about survivors of narcissistic abuse? They feel an immense shame themselves
A giant "thank you" for this video. I find this a great help to answer the "why was this the way of life?" for my past partnership. I know this video (and others you've posted) will also be in my mind for any future interactions with different people. I believe it's possible for a narcistic individual to improve "the mask" they present, and I don't want to repeat what I've already been through.
My younger sister & I are co-trustees with my parents estate, what a nightmare!!! All you’re saying is true. Can’t wait to be over this. It’s been 2 years & only halfway through. Thanks for your insight.
Shame is the lie someone once sold you and you bought it, then hide it from others.
The enemy is the father of lies.
Good way to describe it.
And so sweet how Gus 🥰 is more on his blanket 🥰 today ♥️
Every now and then Gus hits the target!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😅😂🤣 , Gus sometimes is choosing to be in a corner without the blanket 🥰 too , he sure has a beautiful personality 😁🥰
I hears "shame on you" just about everyday from one of my six sister's from birth to teen. It had quite an impact on me. The one I heard it from the most has been diagnosed with BPD.
Thank you, Dr C. This could not have come at a better time. I was just subject to my neighbour’s tirade over an insignificant matter that could have been settled in a calm manner. He is unable to do that and I have had to cut all ties with him. This latest incident was proof of that. I always succeed in reasoning with him;however, the damage is done. He has won on two accounts: one, by anger escalation and two, by my needing to reason with him. I try not to react. I think he feels bad at how he overreacts but I am considering moving as I am always the one to compromise for his power trip. And a power trip underlies feelings of shame.
I welcomed Jesus into my life in 2003 and I felt a lot of deep shame for having sex as an unmarried teenage person , I have said No to sex and got attacked - more than once , left that abuser eventually, I waited 5 years & had non marital sex and it wasn’t pleasant, I felt that deep shame again and I’ve been alone saying no for 7 years I don’t want that shame or pain
Yesterday was one of the rare days I talked to my mom on the phone. She was talking about the economy and politics and said, “I know a lot of people have 401k retirement, but I hope and pray the stock market crashes”. I responded with, “huh?Good people will lose everything. That’s not a nice thing to wish on people”. She then says, “I pray that God helps you understand what I was trying to say”. I responded with- “I guess your words didn’t relay what you really meant. I guess it happens from time to time?” She had nothing to say after that. The said truth is- she meant what she said.
She's depressed, but covers it with anger and cynicism.
Sick how they try to kill off your happy spirit, must piss them off when they can't achieve thier goal. Stay strong!! Headphones in bop and sing keep distracted stay happy 🎉🎉🎉 PS: keep listening to Dr C.
The moment you identify someone as a narcissist is the time you need to go no contact whether they are family or
not. Let them seek another source of supply.
bingo!💯🎯
“Shame is a soul eating emotion”- Carl Gustav Jung
I can’t blame narcissists for running away from shame. Shaming others, especially for the harm they cause themselves, on the other hand…
Exactly
Dr c I have experienced the core shame you describe. He states he feels shame . I believe this is very deep within him. If you get near to that Shame then narc anger comes next and it can be explosive. Then I’m the one to blame as I got to close to the truth.
We have recently split but he has had to have bowel surgery. I invited him to stay pre and post op . Mainly because the pre op was such a lot to deal with. I totally appreciated what he was going to have to deal with. After the surgery which went very well and I felt he no longer needed my assistance he absolutely exploded with anger towards me which I found devastating once again. But this time I did not have to endure as I now own our home and bought him out. I simply explained that I needed him to go back to his now new abode as I have to work and give notice for next weeks work. I was in retirement but that’s not the case now and I’m back full time working girl . His shame came into play here. It was explosive. He was ashamed that I had bought him out with my pension and ashamed that I was back to work but instead of just expressing an upset it was awful. And all the goodwill and understanding and helps during his surgery I just thought … why! And what on earth and where is this coming from! And once again the total exhausting experience of trying to fathom out what now have I done wrong 🤷♀️.
He left angrily .
I’m afraid that with all the goodwill in the world you cannot help these very absurdly confusing people and their mindset. 😔
u can't. they'll die refusing to take accountability for the things they've done. but the bible says "God is not mocked, u surely will reap what u sew".
Thank you for teaching this! Lightbulbs are going off or “on” I should say 😂
Pleased!
They got you in an invisible competition. They’re playing a game of chess-unbeknown to you. They have a high regard for themselves-very prideful. That’s why they will not tolerate shame-they think they’re too good for it. Very deceived individuals who are busy trying to guilt, shame and deceive others.
This video made things really click for me. My narc just shrank into a spoiled, confused little child. Thank you for posting this.
Good Morning Doctor Cartet and thank u
My exes didn't know shame nor guilt, not even about cheating. I though that was weird.
living with that shame everyday and not being able to ever 'fix' it, must be karma for the narcissist. thanks. Dr. Carter
bingo! a wise man once said "a coward dies a thousand deaths"! I'm sure he was talking about narcs!💯💯🎯
Back when they were airing all the John Bradshaw stuff on PBS, he would make references to "Healthy" Shane vs. "Toxic" Shame.
I remember watching it while I was living with my father who was a harbinger of narcissism and Toxic shame.
My mother had recently gotten remarried and I was still going to Junior College at the time.
One thing was my dad is covertly bisexual (and willing to behave that way with minors) in spite of the fact that his political and cultural attitudes would make you think he'd be opposed to such things.
It was like some material favors including things like Christmas and birthday presents and on some tasks as little as I was expected to do some explaining behaviors that started out with rubbing his back.
I knew that he blackmailed some people into sexual activity.
He caught my older cousins smoking marijuana and threatened to spill the beans with his mother about that and somehow I was able to secure a favor on that front.
Simile had a work colleague who had a son loves couple years older than me, the father was an alcoholic and when he's our son is a drinking buddy and I gather he wanted to spill those beans to the on a similar front.
My dad acquired photographs (that he himself might have taken) of these two involved in inappropriate sexual behavior.
My dad sort of fest up to my cousin using marijuana and some dirty pictures of his work colleague and like I said and doing inappropriate stuff, but never admitted his participation in it.
I never saw this with you and my father's house burned down well he was the final stages of old age in a convalescent hospital.
but I think part of the reason I never got involved in drugs or alcohol is the fear of people blackmailing me with it, I decided to become an overeater instead.
So when it comes down to it: .... they can not reflect onto themself so they always DEFLECT onto others ? And whilst reflection is the core of growth they totally stunt their development. And this causes a never ending circle that gets worse and worse (etc.) while they get older.
Spot on, Pieter!
Thank you truly ,day by day I'm learning what I'm dealing with.
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. Thank you so much for this video Dr. Carter. You are such a blessing as we try to live a life of peace with these impossible people. I can't tell you how hard it is sometimes but then I watch one of your videos and it helps me so much to understand what I am dealing with. There is always more to learn. Thank you so much.
A Narcissist will never admit to being wrong so their behavior is nothing to be ashamed of. That’s why they don’t “need” therapy.
It’s hopeless, leave, run, block. The only solution.
Any time I ask a " why" question( like why did you do this? ) his answer ALWAYS begins with well " you".......never an "I".....It s maddening ...
I have always seen guilt as a feeling about what we have/haven't done and shame as a feeling about what we are/aren't.
@@Chris-dw7gq We shouldn't feel shame. But they and probably others have spent so much time blaming us, treating us badly, treating us as if we're inferior, it's difficult for us to get over feeling it. Every human sometimes should feel guilt because we aren't perfect, we make mistakes, and that guilt helps push us to fix it. When we deal with narcissists, they always feel shame, so they try to transfer it to us. I won't put up with it anymore, but I feel sorry for them.
Yep, this is the worst mess that I've EVER had 2 try & "deal" with! Triangulation seems to the WORST part of the "flying monkeys"... AWFUL 🧐😇
Gus loves your voice, it gives him sweet dreams. So darling!
Dr. Carter, I just came across your podcast a week ago and it has been like turning on a "light bulb"! Thank you, doesn't describe adequately my heartfelt gratitude for educating your viewers on this serious personality disorder and its' harmful effects on others. I look forward to discovering and learning more from you. Blessings to you, your family and Gus🕊️
So pleased. Glad you're on board and I get to be on the path with you!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Amen, Dr. Carter. As a believer, the Holy Spirit had shown me previously that the spirits behind narcissism are: pride, rebellion, control, etc. We know that Leviathan is "the king over all the children of pride." (Job 41:34) Therefore, I believe we must pray for loved ones who, through suffering and the door of "trauma" where Satan entered in, may be set free in Jesus' name. 🙏
💯 this.. “you make me feel bad about myself”. “You look down at me”. “You’re judgmental”. “Your love is conditional”. “You look down at me”. “You think you’re better than me”…. Um.. you committed work comp fraud , are lying to everyone with a straight face and haven’t put in more than $300 in 10 months for rent and food when we had an agreement before we signed the lease agreement. Even though you were working a lot of over time before committing fraud. “I will never change”. “You don’t love me for me” .. so, no.. I am none of those things, and there’s the door. I can love you from afar while you self destruct.
Words were not enough to express my gratitude
Thank you.
Shame was the first feeling I got to know. I was sexualy abussed at the age of 3 and got severly dissociated and felt this huge feeling of guilt and that something is wrong with me (guilt because I felt something good about the abuser , he was from the family and offered to take care of me in a family reunion where it seemed I was a burden )
I could not deal with this overwhelming shame, and the fact that my mother that I got to know couple moths later also rejects me by screaming out loud at my grandma to take me away from her sight.. all this became my deep core feeling which I couldn't heal and later sexual abuses or trauma caused by my mother mainly, all I perceived as being my fault
I really feel like a narcissist because I don't know who I am but I felt I'm something so wrong
You are a wise man
This may be true but I still don't feel sorry for my narc dad. He has done so much damage to me. At a certain point in life you have to take responsibility of your mental health and seek help. Any time I tried to get my dad to go to therapy he'd put me down and tell me to STFU.
they're cowards! I went no contact with my narc father! never feel sorry for a coward. we loved them but they don't know what love is. the bible says "do not cast ur pearls before swine". 🎯
Dr C nails it once again! Many thanks ❤
Shame can humble a human.
I am a twin. Often putting shame onto me was where it belonged. I am sad about that. I was guilty.
Thanks for all you do Dr. C. What have you observed about aging and terminally ill narcissists? And the guilt that one has in dealing with them? It is all grief mixed with guilt mixed with gaslighting and demands. It’s all very sad.
that's probably where the saying "a coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but 1"! they're too afraid to self reflect and make changes so they'll experience those exact feelings over and over and over....💯🎯
I agree, Dr. C: Yes, you should be ashamed about::
a long history of being deceptive
a track record of being abusive, especially involving innocent persons, and the vulnerable
strongly destructive or demeaning behavior that involves ruining or crushing others for self gain
I would add:
daily gas lighting or mind molesting
daily interference in someone elses' life for the purpose of harming, confusing, or keeping others down to feel powerful
Narcissists cannot self-analyze because it is too painful, and therefore, have an incredibly immature view of sin. They cannot evaluate that all sins are by no means equal, nor is judgement, nor do others likely struggle with the things they do (projection of their hatred, prejudices, idolatry, immaturity, jealousy, greed, compromise, vengeance, & immense shame). Their core shame defines everything they do, which they try to pass on to others, especially the vulnerable.