My wounds are still very fresh, and my husband keeps insisting that he was still a good guy, and I have trouble accepting that someone is "good" who has lied for 52 years, & went so far as to gaslight me while saying, "No one has ever touched me", you are crazy, jealous, insecure,etc. I have also heard "I can't remember" about a million times. Hanging onto my sanity by a thread.
“We want to repair how they see us.” As the betrayed I really see him full of hatred, disgust, and I could go on. I sometimes have admiration for him, but I don’t tell him. The anger and feelings of hate towards his actions always come back. It’s debilitating and they always make me question if I should stay or go. How does one repair how we see them if they’ve turned out to be someone else? It’s like looking at a new person.
I cannot Express how accurate this is as im dealing with the same thing......all i want to have is joy and hope in my life but at times its all taken away with a simple thought , feeling, ect... not sure what to do.....
@overcoming what to do when the betrayer does not believe in getting outside help nor believe in religion??? I feel hopeless without him willing to try At least of these options so I decided to give up on him.
Where do I find an accountability partner? My wife and I divorced. Affair was two years ago. We are trying to work things out again now. How do we get there?
OMGthis is so spot on. We have just finished our second month of recovery. The “buts” has always been an issued btw us. My reply has always been “no buts, I have plenty of butt on my own!” Then listening and hearing the 15% wrong and hone in on that. I call that “Sheldoning me”...nitpicking on the little wrongs instead of the rights. (Sheldoning me from the character off the show “The Big Bang Theory”...to continue like this is slow suicide to our marriage. Love your videos, your honesty, ...one full year of marriage counseling that got us no where but an empty pocketbook. These videos have jumpstarted us! Thanks Samuel and Samantha
Love you and your work Samuel. But dang the defensiveness and the infidelity itself are just so selfish. It’s all selfishness. So as the betrayed I have to still be patient…it’s just so frustrating and it hurts. And he’s just double selfish. That’s how it feels.
My husband and I were just having one of these discussions last night. This video couldn’t have come at a better time. We are in the early stages and on day 4 of boot camp. We are so glad we found Affair Recovery. Please keep the videos coming!
Wow!! I couldn’t find the word defensiveness. Not sure that word would work with my husband. This is what I call “Forest/trees. I’m looking at the forest and you’re arguing with me over the tree!! Forget the damn tree! Big picture!!” Obviously that didn’t work either. The facts vs intent/feelings is soo dead on!! Thank you thank you. I pray my unfaithful husband “get it” after listening to this.
Great video, revealed so much for me with respect to communication troubles I have been having with my wife. We are also having similar issues with friends we believed to be safe, but that have turned out to be judgmental despite their insistence that they are not. Any tips or videos about how to handle that?
i would create space from them. they usually can't be won over to a place of safety....sometimes they can but not often. i would create space from them and be with those who are safe and 1. won't give you advice 2. won't tell you what they would do constantly 3. won't judge your spouse or you for doing whatever you decide to do and 4. will just love you and be a safe place to let you be you, whatever version of you you're being right now. they just don't get it and that's ok, but you don't need to be around them right now. safe people only.
How can one be consistent in staying non defensive. And not disagree with the story being heard. And when the story is told it gets token out of reference and used against them
Such accuracy in this. However may I suggest that this behavior in all aspects goes both ways! I make a point of this because for those of us dealing with S/O inability to take any sort of personal responsibility in ANY matter the less than 10% of “open sharing” is used to crucify and used as a reason to shut completely down for as long as possible
My wounds are still very fresh, and my husband keeps insisting that he was still a good guy, and I have trouble accepting that someone is "good" who has lied for 52 years, & went so far as to gaslight me while saying, "No one has ever touched me", you are crazy, jealous, insecure,etc. I have also heard "I can't remember" about a million times. Hanging onto my sanity by a thread.
How nice to want to made to "feel" great from the person you betrayed......while expecting the person you betrayed to not deserve the same.....smh
It’s so freaking selfish and it’s like they can’t even see that for one second.
Seriously!! That's crazy.
“We want to repair how they see us.” As the betrayed I really see him full of hatred, disgust, and I could go on. I sometimes have admiration for him, but I don’t tell him. The anger and feelings of hate towards his actions always come back. It’s debilitating and they always make me question if I should stay or go. How does one repair how we see them if they’ve turned out to be someone else? It’s like looking at a new person.
I cannot Express how accurate this is as im dealing with the same thing......all i want to have is joy and hope in my life but at times its all taken away with a simple thought , feeling, ect... not sure what to do.....
@overcoming what to do when the betrayer does not believe in getting outside help nor believe in religion??? I feel hopeless without him willing to try At least of these options so I decided to give up on him.
Yes,the cheat needs to be an angel,and wok hard.i was in agony ,my partner put up with my anger for 4 years.then it got good
Where do I find an accountability partner? My wife and I divorced. Affair was two years ago. We are trying to work things out again now. How do we get there?
Very helpful information. After all, don't most of us just want to be heard and understood... no matter which seat we are sitting in?
absolutely.
And still, it feels and I truly believe he blames me. "I hurt you and it makes me feel bad, but, nah, you xyz".
Susquahalla Smiley my husband does the exact same thing.
Every word before the "BUT" is untrue
I believe that to be the case in many instances.
OMGthis is so spot on. We have just finished our second month of recovery. The “buts” has always been an issued btw us. My reply has always been “no buts, I have plenty of butt on my own!” Then listening and hearing the 15% wrong and hone in on that. I call that “Sheldoning me”...nitpicking on the little wrongs instead of the rights. (Sheldoning me from the character off the show “The Big Bang Theory”...to continue like this is slow suicide to our marriage. Love your videos, your honesty, ...one full year of marriage counseling that got us no where but an empty pocketbook. These videos have jumpstarted us! Thanks Samuel and Samantha
Love you and your work Samuel. But dang the defensiveness and the infidelity itself are just so selfish. It’s all selfishness. So as the betrayed I have to still be patient…it’s just so frustrating and it hurts. And he’s just double selfish. That’s how it feels.
My husband and I were just having one of these discussions last night. This video couldn’t have come at a better time. We are in the early stages and on day 4 of boot camp. We are so glad we found Affair Recovery. Please keep the videos coming!
Wow!! I couldn’t find the word defensiveness. Not sure that word would work with my husband. This is what I call “Forest/trees. I’m looking at the forest and you’re arguing with me over the tree!! Forget the damn tree! Big picture!!” Obviously that didn’t work either. The facts vs intent/feelings is soo dead on!! Thank you thank you. I pray my unfaithful husband “get it” after listening to this.
Great video, revealed so much for me with respect to communication troubles I have been having with my wife. We are also having similar issues with friends we believed to be safe, but that have turned out to be judgmental despite their insistence that they are not. Any tips or videos about how to handle that?
i would create space from them. they usually can't be won over to a place of safety....sometimes they can but not often. i would create space from them and be with those who are safe and 1. won't give you advice 2. won't tell you what they would do constantly 3. won't judge your spouse or you for doing whatever you decide to do and 4. will just love you and be a safe place to let you be you, whatever version of you you're being right now. they just don't get it and that's ok, but you don't need to be around them right now. safe people only.
So useful. This hits the core of all those situations, arguments and shows a way to understand. Wow. Thank you. Reference material.
Yaaaaay!!!!!! Juhuuuuu!! This was such a great idea!!!!! Thank you both!!!
This is the best I’ve seen on defensiveness. Concise. I’m so grateful for you all and the work you’re doing. 17:22
I also loved the demonstration!!! Haha BRILLIANT!
(This video came just at the right time, my beloved and I are struggling with THIS right now..)
so glad it helped. thank you for your encouragement.
How can one be consistent in staying non defensive. And not disagree with the story being heard. And when the story is told it gets token out of reference and used against them
Such a great video. Spot on. I would love to be in this place with my spouse right now.
Thank GOD for this 🙏🏽💯
Such accuracy in this. However may I suggest that this behavior in all aspects goes both ways! I make a point of this because for those of us dealing with S/O inability to take any sort of personal responsibility in ANY matter the less than 10% of “open sharing” is used to crucify and used as a reason to shut completely down for as long as possible
What does S/O mean?
Significant Other