@@banthatracks_gaffisticks For me, it meant avoiding conflict. I knew I struggled with conflict and any success I had was always opposed by someone. It gets WAY worse than accepting insults, you will kill yourself meeting everyone else's need to the complete neglect of your own and think yourself a 'Peace Maker'. That's called co-dependency. I got it from muh daddy, but the STBEX wife made him hold her beer. I left everything and began a new career in 2007 to find out why I struggled with conflict, I had no idea what I was looking for and NEVER expected what I discovered. Walk away, never engage anyone who resorts to insults. It is only done when they have no answer for your honesty. It is what it is, let it be and focus on YOU. Know your value and don't accept anything less.
This happens when you've lived in fear your whole childhood physically abused and emotionally neglected, you where trained to keep the abuser happy, you dissociate to survive
That's exactly what happened to me.Both of my folks were tyrants emotionally mentally and did not care about my health did not care about all the problems I was having and I have vivid memories of being hit in the face
I was the only boy and he made my sisters watch my beatings to keep them in check and my mom checked out and lived in space. I discovered why I have never, I mean NEVER, once, asked for anything for myself, asked for help, or shared a need or desire. Ever. I mean it, never. Why? In 4th grade I asked my dad to play Pop Warner football and by the end of that tirade, I was convinced to do so would be a burden on my family, friends, and the world. I STILL struggle with it and do everything by myself. You would not believe the things I have done because I couldn't ask for help. Then blame others.
After 6 decades of living the fawn life, I was devastated when I learned that avoiding conflict was a form of manipulation. It took me a very long time to come to grips with that because it was the polar opposite of who I know myself to be. But it is TRUE, I am amazed at how blind survivors of abuse are to their OWN lives. You think your motives are this, but they are really that. For someone who has been manipulated their entire life, this is as close to a death blow as it gets. This young lady knows what she is talking about, we would all do ourselves a favor if we take what she says to heart. Just another thing I have to forgive myself for.
The whole universe is one big manipulative l tube party, no need to feel devastated. Your being manipulated all the time… it’s just the norm. Not a big deal. As long as your intention for doing so is understood. I avoid when I know I can’t hamdje the conflict in an appropriate manner. In a way that are harmful to the rekationaship. I process my own feelings first. And only approach things when it’s really needed but always from a calm place.
@@SherryBradley-dl3pi You are correct, that's why I canned my TV and stopped watching the 'programming'. Thank you for the advise, I needed to read that. It's not that I don't know that, it is difficult to never engage as we separate and she refuses any boundary to stop. Of course, I'll just walk away. There is SO much and she weaponizes my empathy, I forget the simple things.
I used fawning so much in my teens that I was completely numb to my own needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and opinions. It wasn't until someone proposed to me who I did not want to marry that I felt like I finally woke up. The thought did cross my mind to say yes, but I could not ignore how I was feeling any longer. I really had an identity crisis over it, but I'm glad it happened. I'm now more aware of when I am fawning so that I can actually consider my own needs and desires.
@@godzillamanstreb524 I didn't realize it either. They used to just talk about flight or fight. Now they have added freeze and fawn. I bet there are other responses too.
It's looking at videos like this that I realize how much I've grown over the years. I still recognize myself in some of the signs but it has been so much worse a few years ago. Hurray for healing, it's been slow but worth it
I never stopped to really understand what fawning meant. Seeing this made me realize how accurate this is to my life and how it stemmed from the physical abuse I endured as a child and how this affects me now in adulthood. Very eye opening, thank you
This video brilliantly highlights how recognizing and addressing fawning as a stress response can lead to healthier relationships and deeper self-awareness-thank you for shedding light on this important topic!
This video hit hard. I was a child that played invisible because I was bullied at home by my older sister, my mother never ever stood up for me. That gave my sister even more power. So I was invisible at school too, until I started high school where I made friends for the first time. I am still mourning my inner child as a 65yo recently autistic grandma.
Thank you so much for this video! I have diabetes and kidney disease and also lost my husband of 30 years at the same time of my diagnoses. I had to move East across the Country to live with relatives. I have fawned all over them while they control me and constantly ask me for money and the use of my car. I plan to break this pattern, but I am pretty damaged. I will overcome this!
This was very helpful, Kati! I hadn't heard the term "fawning" until I was recently in session with my therapist. Turns out, I've been fawning my whole life. I have done all 7 of those signs of fawning. Stopping myself from people-pleasing and constantly apologizing is a daily effort. I remind myself that I strive to be my authentic self and that includes how I react to others. Thank you for summarizing and explaining the steps so succinctly!
No doubts this is really helpful informative video. However being aware is far from being able to react in a different way and there are certainly lots of roadblocks along the way that without adequate loving support, people will find themselves getting real frustrated about the inability to do anything different. Because sadly in the real world, you do have to fawn in many situations in order to stay safe and accepted. And staying safe and accepted sometimes is far more important in certain situations like staying employed etc. it’s not all black and white. I just hope people don’t end up with another reason to hate themselves for not being able to not do this all the time.
I think you missed one sign: actually liking and admiring the scary and threatening person, like they're so much more interesting and important and awesome than everyone else. This is probably caused by cognitive dissonance, because why else would you behave in this fawning way if they weren't just so amazing and talented that every threat and scary thing has to be forgiven. Kinda like forcing themselves to smile makes people's mood better.
That's interesting! Sometimes problematic people can be very funny and disarming, charismatic or good-looking, so we want their approval even when they are not good for us. I think those people need others more than a fawner needs them.
With the guidance of my therapist and my will to work on myself, I finally got out of that vicious circle of fawning I was caught for years. My therapist targeted right away the abandonment issues. He gave me the key of the heavy chest containing lots of unresolved trauma that pushed me to be a people pleaser with zero boundaries. I have no words to express how fulfilling it feels to stop being a fawning loser.
#7 Fear of abonnement is also a major driver behind BPD behaviors. People (like myself) with discouraged BPD tend to resort to fawning more than fight, flight or freeze.
Thank you for this video. I'm a fawn/freeze type and been on my mental health recovery journey for years. I've definitely grown more but this video helped me realize that I still have a ways to go. Although I am aware of my fawning and try to challenge it, I still struggle with all 7 signs because it's the only way I survived childhood. Cptsd is so difficult for me that I am even struggling to write this comment without overthinking due to fawn response. Ironic. But thank you for this informative video.
Great, I’m a manipulator now? I had no idea. I totally do this fawning thing. I totally have this problem. I didn’t even know this was a thing. This is enlightening video, but I can’t help but feel discouraged. I need to work on this. Now I can’t unsee it.
I agree that the description of fawning or people pleasing as manipulation is a challenging one for me too. I can see it now, after having gone (still going tbh) through a really difficult time with my family over a situation where my inner shame and perceived powerlessness was enacted big time by my father's comments and I went into MAJOR fawning, to the extent that I moved house and it's upset everything in my life. I can't quite believe that I found it so difficult to just say what I was thinking and feeling. Instead I masked loads, thinking that they knew best and my needs & wants had to come last. Also by creating magical thinking to compensate instead of just having an honest discussion about my concerns. It's all so confusing, especially when you've gone though life not knowing that you're experiencing cPTSD and why that makes you behave the way you do. It might be manipulative in its effect, but it's usually not consciously or intentionally so. The sad thing is that knowing it in theory and making changes in practice are two very different, and difficult, things.
I really appreciated this video. I've been struggling with this but I didn't know what it was. Even before this video I was working on not doing this and prioritizing my own mental and physical health, so I will continue doing that. Thank you, Kati!
I too was taught from early to behave with fawning this was required in my family to survive it. I have been alone and in therapy for EMDR for battered wife syndrome...as the lawyer described when i literally ran away from my ex ...after living with my partner for 16years who was losing the plot. Meditation daily has helped me unpack my side and this is where i am on my journey now ...awake now to my destructive style in forming new relationships . Going along to get along can lead down some very unwanted roads...and when you dont feel like you are in the drivers seat of your life anymore realise you have given yourself away ... unwittingly and its time to get yourself back behind the wheel in the driver seat. After six years of doing this healing journey ...more subtle things that you are responsible for may come to light as is happening with my life now.Things like opening your heart again to love ... With people who reciprocate, not fawning or people pleasing behavior as I establish new friendships. Authentic love will save me and that starts with me in appreciation for this gift of life and ripples out from me to others and does return. 🙏💗
It can also be terrifying to be on the receiving end. If you've been told to stay away from someone and they suddenly approach in a desperate manner then any reasonable person would flee.
I actually don't fawn unless I'm in immediate danger and don't think I can fight or flee. My gf, however, is a fawner. Lol. She is a people pleaser and she's working on it, but it's difficult!
Thankyou. Ive done this all my life and in the long run its made people despise me. Ive been so desperate to please its made people and me think im a maggot. And boundaries only work if other people respect you/them. I've never been "allowed" them. Even now, my boundaries are scoffed at, because (to others) I'm so far beneath them, like who the hell do I think I am?
Fawning is a form of people pleasing, above your own important care. I will absolutely refuse to do this, if asked of me. I put myself first, and look after myself the best, forget everyone else, I am the mvp, I am #1, and only the finest for me.
I think i do this! I seem to always give up my needs to make others happy, satiated. I never seen it as a negative 😢 i thought it was just trying to Love others.
Thank you for this one, Kati, and all you do. I've known these things that I do but this makes it clear, and now I realize what I can work on with a better perception. 😊 you're right when saying it isn't talked about enough.
well this was super helpful for me - I am forced into "fawn" responses when around women/femme people because I have gotten punished (and still do) for trying other more healthy conflict management strategies, like asserting boundaries or communicating my reasons for disagreement. Thank you for explaining this!
Wow! In my 2nd month of having run myself to the ground doing this for about 6 years … pretty much almost 🪦 myself - but thankfully my addictive behaviour took me out of the situation - and the release and clarity I experienced when I was let go from my job, and saw what I had been doing felt like being released from a spell! - So now I’m analysing my patterns and choices in life ❤😊❤
Interstingly enough today, I quit a bunch of online groups I was in, because I got sick of being abused and trying to fit in where I felt unwanted and unappreciated. Several people were directly insulting me, contrary to the rules, but enjoyed a particular immunity to them. I finally remembered the old phrase: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, take a look around first, and make sure, you are not indeed, surrounded by assholes."
When I was little, my mother told me that I'd better stop crying, or if my Daddy saw me, he would get MAD. "And you don't know what he might do when he gets mad!" I've lived my whole life fawning out of fear and sheer terror of how the other person might respond. I apologize for my very existence, and bend over backwards to do things for others, yet I refuse to "bother" anyone else for help for me. The emotional and mental abuse I have suffered my whole life has been staggering. But today is a new day.
Such an important topic! In my experience, I've often gone into fawning well before I even notice it, and unfortunately it has ruined certain relationships in school and work, and the I think the reason why it is that is because fawning is so poorly known and aware of. Only after I strengthened relationships with like-minded people in mental health spaces I work in, was I able to recognize this problem and do my best to put a stop at it.
Once you realize everyone and everything, was due to narcissistic indeviduals, you get determined after the fog is lifted. And bottom line skin gets thicker. And we may look upon our own behavior in response as a little narcissistic. But i only reacted out of the abuse. Much insight into munipulating of narcissists
I think it has less to do with wanting to be more seen, but more so with the fear of being rejected or disliked if we dont cooperate. A fear of the consequence for being authentic. How can you ever feel loved if you dont show your true self?
So what’s the difference between this and genuine compromise? 🤷 You definitely shouldn’t say yes to everything or please too much, but part of relationships is compromise. I definitely see how these to an extreme can lead to being in an abusive situation in the wrong dynamic with the wrong person
I have a friend who when triggered, tries to shove off all of her responsibilities onto me....and when I'm dysregulated and triggered myself, I fawn. It's a terrible combo. Is there another trauma response we could term "fling"? Because she literally FLINGS herself onto people, throws her burdens onto people to deal with, and behaves like a victim who needs a savior. I think our friendship is beyond repair, and a lot of it is on me. I allowed it to happen, and I've attempted to take over for her repeatedly (babysitting, running errands, emotional heavy lifting, apologizing when neutral things happen...like the ice cream place is out of her favorite flavor when I suggested we go get ice cream). I don't want to create nuance where there is none, but I'm wondering (and have for a year or more) if there should be "fling" too. Because she doesn't fight with me, she doesn't ghost, doesn't fawn, and certainly doesn't freeze. She just gets hysterical, cries, and needs someone to step in. I also don't think she has NPD, and her therapist said she's not BPD either. She has a lot of empathy most of the time
When boss verbally gave me a dozen things needing done,refusing to write down, later stateing to me , how come my otherleads in two weeks might get two things done. He was not asking me for the truth, he was the supervisor, its his problem and he knew why already. I knew instanly and keep my mouth shut other then stating it wS team work. Fawning, no way serving with all my abilities was right, being a slacker, is not. I trained 9 out of ten tended to be slackers, it is ok , they were not taught to work from four years old, that is important to remember. When i was young any job seemed so hard, now i look back and say , walk in the park, that young man is still were i was.
This makes a lot of sense because I feel guilty saying no to people so I just do it including the time I wanted to buy myself something but my friend also wanted something but didn’t have the money so I bought them something instead of buying me something because I would have felt guilty not buying anything for them I don’t understand the guilt aspect of it I just feel so guilty to set boundaries
If people dislike me, its not my problem, and they can kiss my dirty shoes. I know my worth / value. I enjoy my freedom. People must respect my boundaries. I don't keep those who are not worth it. I only keep those that are worth it.
The thing that has helped me correct this response is realizing that if Jesus is the Lord of my life; then I serve only Him. He wants me to walk in truth. He doesn't want me mistreated. Forgiveness is great, but accountability and boundaries are also necessary. I must live authentically and trust Him to have my back. This has caused much conflict from the controlling dismissive avoidant in married to. He's shut down completely, with anger for over a year now because i no longer will "be quiet and do what I say". I HATE living in this angst but I am living in TRUTH on my end. His response is up to him. And i trust God to change his heart. I don't regret my choice to stop fawning. Even in the middle. It's not over yet because God is for me and wants my spouse free too. Be true to yourself and God! It's NOT SELFISH - it's TRUTH. ♥️
This was me for a big part of my life. It's so compulsive. I'm glad I've gotten over people not liking me for the most part. It's so freeing to be authentic and mentally freeing to put yourself first.
There is one flaw in these discussions, which I would like to emphasize. People pleasing is not a bad thing. Indeed, if more people did people pleasing, our society would be much better Phrased another way, people pleasing is being service oriented. Kindness and cooperation For 5000 years, our society was maintained in a healthy way by people working together, cooperating, compromising, and serving others It is only in recent times that the idea of serving others and compromising on all sides is considered some sort of flaw And that is the problem with today’s society Everybody is all about me me me me me. Nobody wants to serve anybody else and nobody wants to compromise. But everybody is that way we’re constantly living in a society where everybody fights with each other. Nobody’s ever happy and civilization falls apart. I agree you should have boundaries and only put yourself in situations where you are satisfied However, do not miss guide otherwise good people, and saying their manipulators simply for wanting to compromise or serve others for the greater good of the whole.
Hi, I enjoy your posts, and I recon I've learned heaps about myself and the people I know. Thank you for that. I don't post comments or stuff like that much, but I'd like to give you some constrive criticism if I may - I don't like the zoom in, zoom out thing that I saw going on in this video - it sorta worked but I fell it was a little over done... maybe it's because I'm from NZ😅. Anyways, thanks for all the good you do for anyone who tunes in, and I'll keep watching whenever the youtube wind blows you into my algorithm. Kind regards, Jonnie.
I fawned to all the therapists while i was a kid. They had no idea at that time. I never even heard of this til this year, but wow does it resonate unfortunately.
Omg I do this 😢 . Only child and neglected and abused by parents that were never around .I have girlfriends say you apologize to much stop it . I do it out of habit not even realizing it .I need to learn to be myself and stop with the trying to carry everyone else through life but not myself.
The difference between fight, flight, freeze & fawn: ua-cam.com/video/OP6SXMr-6_g/v-deo.html
What does it mean when I accept insults?
@@banthatracks_gaffisticks For me, it meant avoiding conflict. I knew I struggled with conflict and any success I had was always opposed by someone. It gets WAY worse than accepting insults, you will kill yourself meeting everyone else's need to the complete neglect of your own and think yourself a 'Peace Maker'. That's called co-dependency. I got it from muh daddy, but the STBEX wife made him hold her beer. I left everything and began a new career in 2007 to find out why I struggled with conflict, I had no idea what I was looking for and NEVER expected what I discovered. Walk away, never engage anyone who resorts to insults. It is only done when they have no answer for your honesty. It is what it is, let it be and focus on YOU. Know your value and don't accept anything less.
This happens when you've lived in fear your whole childhood physically abused and emotionally neglected, you where trained to keep the abuser happy, you dissociate to survive
So feel your pain, I’m so sorry 🩵
That's exactly what happened to me.Both of my folks were tyrants emotionally mentally and did not care about my health did not care about all the problems I was having and I have vivid memories of being hit in the face
I was the only boy and he made my sisters watch my beatings to keep them in check and my mom checked out and lived in space. I discovered why I have never, I mean NEVER, once, asked for anything for myself, asked for help, or shared a need or desire. Ever. I mean it, never. Why? In 4th grade I asked my dad to play Pop Warner football and by the end of that tirade, I was convinced to do so would be a burden on my family, friends, and the world. I STILL struggle with it and do everything by myself. You would not believe the things I have done because I couldn't ask for help. Then blame others.
Exactly.
I've lived my life in fear all my childhood. Now I'm the fear
After 6 decades of living the fawn life, I was devastated when I learned that avoiding conflict was a form of manipulation. It took me a very long time to come to grips with that because it was the polar opposite of who I know myself to be. But it is TRUE, I am amazed at how blind survivors of abuse are to their OWN lives. You think your motives are this, but they are really that. For someone who has been manipulated their entire life, this is as close to a death blow as it gets. This young lady knows what she is talking about, we would all do ourselves a favor if we take what she says to heart. Just another thing I have to forgive myself for.
The whole universe is one big manipulative l tube party, no need to feel devastated. Your being manipulated all the time… it’s just the norm. Not a big deal. As long as your intention for doing so is understood. I avoid when I know I can’t hamdje the conflict in an appropriate manner. In a way that are harmful to the rekationaship. I process my own feelings first. And only approach things when it’s really needed but always from a calm place.
Thank you for sharing...that can be very difficult but you want to help the rest of us understand
@@SherryBradley-dl3pi You are correct, that's why I canned my TV and stopped watching the 'programming'. Thank you for the advise, I needed to read that. It's not that I don't know that, it is difficult to never engage as we separate and she refuses any boundary to stop. Of course, I'll just walk away. There is SO much and she weaponizes my empathy, I forget the simple things.
Fawning has definitely been a way I've tried to stay safe
I used fawning so much in my teens that I was completely numb to my own needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and opinions. It wasn't until someone proposed to me who I did not want to marry that I felt like I finally woke up. The thought did cross my mind to say yes, but I could not ignore how I was feeling any longer. I really had an identity crisis over it, but I'm glad it happened. I'm now more aware of when I am fawning so that I can actually consider my own needs and desires.
I wasn't strong enough to say no. I actually did not want to hurt his feelings.
That's some crazy shit.😢
Thank you for tieing fawning to ptsd, actually cptsd, I cried when I thought about that.
Aww of course. I am so glad that resonated. xoxo
Fawning sounds like my entire personality. I hear you Kati.
I apologize too much, thank people too much, and compliment people too much.
Me too! I never realized over-thanking was fawning, but it is
@@godzillamanstreb524 I didn't realize it either. They used to just talk about flight or fight. Now they have added freeze and fawn. I bet there are other responses too.
I feel like a “bobblehead,” constantly nodding in “fake agreement,” and feel uncomfortable accepting compliments
@@breakthroughmoment1647 I know what you mean.
I don’t do enough of this that! lol
0:10 What is fawning?
1:41 Sign 1
2:17 Sign 2
3:42 Sign 3
4:41 Sign 4
5:41 Sign 5
7:13 Sign 6
8:35 Sign 7
10:31 Why do we fawn?
13:27 Growth
Before I went to therapy I did a lot of fawning. It still creeps up sometimes.
It can be hard to completely get rid of, but being aware is more than half the battle. xoxo
It's looking at videos like this that I realize how much I've grown over the years. I still recognize myself in some of the signs but it has been so much worse a few years ago.
Hurray for healing, it's been slow but worth it
That part.
I never stopped to really understand what fawning meant. Seeing this made me realize how accurate this is to my life and how it stemmed from the physical abuse I endured as a child and how this affects me now in adulthood. Very eye opening, thank you
This video brilliantly highlights how recognizing and addressing fawning as a stress response can lead to healthier relationships and deeper self-awareness-thank you for shedding light on this important topic!
Of course!! So glad you enjoyed it!! xox
tears in my eyes. My whole reality has been described word for word.
Mine, too.
Mind blown.... This was my childhood. No better way to explain it. This was so helpful. #brokenempath
This video hit hard. I was a child that played invisible because I was bullied at home by my older sister, my mother never ever stood up for me. That gave my sister even more power. So I was invisible at school too, until I started high school where I made friends for the first time. I am still mourning my inner child as a 65yo recently autistic grandma.
😢😢😢
I'm forever apologising when I've done nothing wrong every thing you've explained I tick every box iv learnt so much from your channel thankyou
Who put these “I relate to this too hard” tears in my eyes?
Please get some councelling its not a healthy way to live you need to find balance❤🙏
Thank you so much for this video! I have diabetes and kidney disease and also lost my husband of 30 years at the same time of my diagnoses. I had to move East across the Country to live with relatives. I have fawned all over them while they control me and constantly ask me for money and the use of my car. I plan to break this pattern, but I am pretty damaged. I will overcome this!
Yes, you can do this, and so can I.
Thanks you for explaining this in plain English for those of us without a mental health PhD
Of course!! I always try to make it easily accessible! Always let me know if I don't explain something in a way that's easy to understand. xoxo
This was very helpful, Kati! I hadn't heard the term "fawning" until I was recently in session with my therapist. Turns out, I've been fawning my whole life. I have done all 7 of those signs of fawning. Stopping myself from people-pleasing and constantly apologizing is a daily effort. I remind myself that I strive to be my authentic self and that includes how I react to others. Thank you for summarizing and explaining the steps so succinctly!
No doubts this is really helpful informative video. However being aware is far from being able to react in a different way and there are certainly lots of roadblocks along the way that without adequate loving support, people will find themselves getting real frustrated about the inability to do anything different. Because sadly in the real world, you do have to fawn in many situations in order to stay safe and accepted. And staying safe and accepted sometimes is far more important in certain situations like staying employed etc. it’s not all black and white. I just hope people don’t end up with another reason to hate themselves for not being able to not do this all the time.
One day, I'll watch one of your videos and not think "Wow! This describes me perfectly"
I think you missed one sign: actually liking and admiring the scary and threatening person, like they're so much more interesting and important and awesome than everyone else. This is probably caused by cognitive dissonance, because why else would you behave in this fawning way if they weren't just so amazing and talented that every threat and scary thing has to be forgiven.
Kinda like forcing themselves to smile makes people's mood better.
Stockholm syndrom?
@linK429 This is truly valid!
That's interesting! Sometimes problematic people can be very funny and disarming, charismatic or good-looking, so we want their approval even when they are not good for us. I think those people need others more than a fawner needs them.
@linak429 Yes, forcing oneself to smile to make people’s mood “better,” is another aggravating sign.
With the guidance of my therapist and my will to work on myself, I finally got out of that vicious circle of fawning I was caught for years. My therapist targeted right away the abandonment issues. He gave me the key of the heavy chest containing lots of unresolved trauma that pushed me to be a people pleaser with zero boundaries. I have no words to express how fulfilling it feels to stop being a fawning loser.
Freeze and Fawn are definitely my two. Thanks for the info
Of course! So happy to help :) xoxo
Hit all 7; was unaware until this video. Since I've caught myself 2-3 dozen times. Route to recovery. Thank you.
#7 Fear of abonnement is also a major driver behind BPD behaviors. People (like myself) with discouraged BPD tend to resort to fawning more than fight, flight or freeze.
Thank you for this video. I'm a fawn/freeze type and been on my mental health recovery journey for years. I've definitely grown more but this video helped me realize that I still have a ways to go. Although I am aware of my fawning and try to challenge it, I still struggle with all 7 signs because it's the only way I survived childhood. Cptsd is so difficult for me that I am even struggling to write this comment without overthinking due to fawn response. Ironic. But thank you for this informative video.
I used to be like this. I learned to rehearse my responses when I needed to refuse something. Now I’m good at it 😅
Thank you! Fawning is something that I've never heard of! But I do it a lot, sadly😢.
Great, I’m a manipulator now? I had no idea. I totally do this fawning thing. I totally have this problem. I didn’t even know this was a thing. This is enlightening video, but I can’t help but feel discouraged. I need to work on this. Now I can’t unsee it.
I agree that the description of fawning or people pleasing as manipulation is a challenging one for me too. I can see it now, after having gone (still going tbh) through a really difficult time with my family over a situation where my inner shame and perceived powerlessness was enacted big time by my father's comments and I went into MAJOR fawning, to the extent that I moved house and it's upset everything in my life. I can't quite believe that I found it so difficult to just say what I was thinking and feeling. Instead I masked loads, thinking that they knew best and my needs & wants had to come last. Also by creating magical thinking to compensate instead of just having an honest discussion about my concerns. It's all so confusing, especially when you've gone though life not knowing that you're experiencing cPTSD and why that makes you behave the way you do.
It might be manipulative in its effect, but it's usually not consciously or intentionally so. The sad thing is that knowing it in theory and making changes in practice are two very different, and difficult, things.
I really appreciated this video. I've been struggling with this but I didn't know what it was. Even before this video I was working on not doing this and prioritizing my own mental and physical health, so I will continue doing that. Thank you, Kati!
Thank you. I've known a couple of fawners. I never would have considered it a stress response.
I too was taught from early to behave with fawning this was required in my family to survive it.
I have been alone and in therapy for EMDR for battered wife syndrome...as the lawyer described when i literally ran away from my ex ...after living with my partner for 16years who was losing the plot.
Meditation daily has helped me unpack my side and this is where i am on my journey now ...awake now to my destructive style in forming new relationships . Going along to get along can lead down some very unwanted roads...and when you dont feel like you are in the drivers seat of your life anymore realise you have given yourself away ... unwittingly and its time to get yourself back behind the wheel in the driver seat. After six years of doing this healing journey ...more subtle things that you are responsible for may come to light as is happening with my life now.Things like opening your heart again to love ... With people who reciprocate, not fawning or people pleasing behavior as I establish new friendships.
Authentic love will save me and that starts with me in appreciation for this gift of life and ripples out from me to others and does return. 🙏💗
Thank you for sharing
It can also be terrifying to be on the receiving end. If you've been told to stay away from someone and they suddenly approach in a desperate manner then any reasonable person would flee.
I actually don't fawn unless I'm in immediate danger and don't think I can fight or flee. My gf, however, is a fawner. Lol. She is a people pleaser and she's working on it, but it's difficult!
Oh my gosh this is me 100%! Wow thank you for the info !!!
Dudley Dickerson on The Three Stooges was the best!! 🤣👍
Great video.
I am glad you share this because this is something I work on right now...❤thank you
Of course :) xoxo
Thanks for another helpful video. You described the way I feel incredibly well. I appreciate your channel a lot.
Thankyou. Ive done this all my life and in the long run its made people despise me. Ive been so desperate to please its made people and me think im a maggot.
And boundaries only work if other people respect you/them. I've never been "allowed" them. Even now, my boundaries are scoffed at, because (to others) I'm so far beneath them, like who the hell do I think I am?
Fawning is a form of people pleasing, above your own important care.
I will absolutely refuse to do this, if asked of me.
I put myself first, and look after myself the best, forget everyone else, I am the mvp, I am #1, and only the finest for me.
I think i do this! I seem to always give up my needs to make others happy, satiated. I never seen it as a negative 😢 i thought it was just trying to Love others.
Thank you for this one, Kati, and all you do. I've known these things that I do but this makes it clear, and now I realize what I can work on with a better perception. 😊 you're right when saying it isn't talked about enough.
well this was super helpful for me - I am forced into "fawn" responses when around women/femme people because I have gotten punished (and still do) for trying other more healthy conflict management strategies, like asserting boundaries or communicating my reasons for disagreement. Thank you for explaining this!
Wow! In my 2nd month of having run myself to the ground doing this for about 6 years … pretty much almost 🪦 myself - but thankfully my addictive behaviour took me out of the situation - and the release and clarity I experienced when I was let go from my job, and saw what I had been doing felt like being released from a spell! - So now I’m analysing my patterns and choices in life ❤😊❤
I couldn't have explained it any better. "Released from a spell."
My nightmare is finally over.❤🙏🎁❤️
I have never seen a video that more accurately described me because my whole life I have felt like I have sucker tattooed on my forehead
This is great! Thanks for sharing.
I always asked the boss if the project I'm on needs less attention or the new project
i finally got my ocd intrusive thoughts controlled After 3 years 💯 it don't bother me No more 🙏🙏🙏
How? My 18 yo son suffers from this
Thank you! Wonderful information! Really helpful for me in better understanding why is stress situations I have become mute.
Interstingly enough today, I quit a bunch of online groups I was in, because I got sick of being abused and trying to fit in where I felt unwanted and unappreciated. Several people were directly insulting me, contrary to the rules, but enjoyed a particular immunity to them. I finally remembered the old phrase: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, take a look around first, and make sure, you are not indeed, surrounded by assholes."
When I was little, my mother told me that I'd better stop crying, or if my Daddy saw me, he would get MAD. "And you don't know what he might do when he gets mad!"
I've lived my whole life fawning out of fear and sheer terror of how the other person might respond. I apologize for my very existence, and bend over backwards to do things for others, yet I refuse to "bother" anyone else for help for me.
The emotional and mental abuse I have suffered my whole life has been staggering.
But today is a new day.
Im finally breaking free from it!
🎉
Such an important topic! In my experience, I've often gone into fawning well before I even notice it, and unfortunately it has ruined certain relationships in school and work, and the I think the reason why it is that is because fawning is so poorly known and aware of. Only after I strengthened relationships with like-minded people in mental health spaces I work in, was I able to recognize this problem and do my best to put a stop at it.
I agree. I've never heard of this before. Now everything makes sense.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. You are helping me to make progress, and I’m sure you are helping many others too. ❤
Fawning is #5
#4 is actually F**king my favorite stress response
Thanks again Kati. Good video
Fawning, the story of my life…
Once you realize everyone and everything, was due to narcissistic indeviduals, you get determined after the fog is lifted. And bottom line skin gets thicker. And we may look upon our own behavior in response as a little narcissistic. But i only reacted out of the abuse. Much insight into munipulating of narcissists
I think it has less to do with wanting to be more seen, but more so with the fear of being rejected or disliked if we dont cooperate. A fear of the consequence for being authentic.
How can you ever feel loved if you dont show your true self?
This is why I am up late watching this video.
Tomorrow, I will release what was left unsaid.
So what’s the difference between this and genuine compromise? 🤷
You definitely shouldn’t say yes to everything or please too much, but part of relationships is compromise. I definitely see how these to an extreme can lead to being in an abusive situation in the wrong dynamic with the wrong person
Great info. Thanks
You are so welcome :) xoxo
I have a friend who when triggered, tries to shove off all of her responsibilities onto me....and when I'm dysregulated and triggered myself, I fawn. It's a terrible combo.
Is there another trauma response we could term "fling"? Because she literally FLINGS herself onto people, throws her burdens onto people to deal with, and behaves like a victim who needs a savior.
I think our friendship is beyond repair, and a lot of it is on me. I allowed it to happen, and I've attempted to take over for her repeatedly (babysitting, running errands, emotional heavy lifting, apologizing when neutral things happen...like the ice cream place is out of her favorite flavor when I suggested we go get ice cream).
I don't want to create nuance where there is none, but I'm wondering (and have for a year or more) if there should be "fling" too. Because she doesn't fight with me, she doesn't ghost, doesn't fawn, and certainly doesn't freeze. She just gets hysterical, cries, and needs someone to step in.
I also don't think she has NPD, and her therapist said she's not BPD either. She has a lot of empathy most of the time
Apologizing when neutral things happen really hit the nail on the head for me...
@@KaliYeahbaby Me, too. It's always been my job to "fix it!!!"
That was really very useful to me, thank you
You're welcome!
Thank you Kati!😊
Welcome!
When boss verbally gave me a dozen things needing done,refusing to write down, later stateing to me , how come my otherleads in two weeks might get two things done.
He was not asking me for the truth, he was the supervisor, its his problem and he knew why already. I knew instanly and keep my mouth shut other then stating it wS team work.
Fawning, no way serving with all my abilities was right, being a slacker, is not.
I trained 9 out of ten tended to be slackers, it is ok , they were not taught to work from four years old, that is important to remember. When i was young any job seemed so hard, now i look back and say , walk in the park, that young man is still were i was.
People will take advantage of us when they figure out we are like this. This describes me to a T. Now I tend to isolate just for a break.
Me, too.
But that's about to change!❤🙏🔥🎁👍
Remember your self first
This makes a lot of sense because I feel guilty saying no to people so I just do it including the time I wanted to buy myself something but my friend also wanted something but didn’t have the money so I bought them something instead of buying me something because I would have felt guilty not buying anything for them I don’t understand the guilt aspect of it I just feel so guilty to set boundaries
You don't believe that you deserve good boundaries??
If not, why not?
I used to fawn a lot.
Thank you Kati Morton!
I'd like to know more about how to self advocate and set boundaries.
I've been doing this my entire life because of my narcissistic mother and didn't even know what it was until a few months ago. I'm 68.
I am 58, and I just found out.
I think we both will be okay now.❤
If people dislike me, its not my problem, and they can kiss my dirty shoes.
I know my worth / value.
I enjoy my freedom.
People must respect my boundaries.
I don't keep those who are not worth it.
I only keep those that are worth it.
Thank You ❤😊
Ur funny 😂😂😂 I'm so good! Ur face expression!
I learned to try to behave “perfectly.” I saw my brother get hit with the belt when he misbehaved. Of course I wanted to avoid that.
I been fawning my whole 😢life woww
The thing that has helped me correct this response is realizing that if Jesus is the Lord of my life; then I serve only Him. He wants me to walk in truth. He doesn't want me mistreated. Forgiveness is great, but accountability and boundaries are also necessary. I must live authentically and trust Him to have my back. This has caused much conflict from the controlling dismissive avoidant in married to. He's shut down completely, with anger for over a year now because i no longer will "be quiet and do what I say". I HATE living in this angst but I am living in TRUTH on my end. His response is up to him. And i trust God to change his heart. I don't regret my choice to stop fawning. Even in the middle. It's not over yet because God is for me and wants my spouse free too. Be true to yourself and God! It's NOT SELFISH - it's TRUTH. ♥️
Thank you for this. I pray for your husband's soul to be released from this demonic stronghold.❤️🙏💥🔥❤️🔥🙏❤
This was me for a big part of my life. It's so compulsive. I'm glad I've gotten over people not liking me for the most part. It's so freeing to be authentic and mentally freeing to put yourself first.
There is one flaw in these discussions, which I would like to emphasize. People pleasing is not a bad thing. Indeed, if more people did people pleasing, our society would be much better
Phrased another way, people pleasing is being service oriented. Kindness and cooperation
For 5000 years, our society was maintained in a healthy way by people working together, cooperating, compromising, and serving others
It is only in recent times that the idea of serving others and compromising on all sides is considered some sort of flaw
And that is the problem with today’s society
Everybody is all about me me me me me.
Nobody wants to serve anybody else and nobody wants to compromise. But everybody is that way we’re constantly living in a society where everybody fights with each other. Nobody’s ever happy and civilization falls apart.
I agree you should have boundaries and only put yourself in situations where you are satisfied
However, do not miss guide otherwise good people, and saying their manipulators simply for wanting to compromise or serve others for the greater good of the whole.
I understand.
Hi, I enjoy your posts, and I recon I've learned heaps about myself and the people I know. Thank you for that.
I don't post comments or stuff like that much, but I'd like to give you some constrive criticism if I may - I don't like the zoom in, zoom out thing that I saw going on in this video - it sorta worked but I fell it was a little over done... maybe it's because I'm from NZ😅.
Anyways, thanks for all the good you do for anyone who tunes in, and I'll keep watching whenever the youtube wind blows you into my algorithm.
Kind regards,
Jonnie.
I took the worst decision of my life because of fawning: ''to keep me safe''. But this choice ended up beeing very dangerous for myself: not so safe!
I find that channeling anger helps against fawn response
20 years old - Yes
30 years old - No Problem
40 years old - Hell No
How do you start learning healthy boundaries?
Insightful
If you say no as a response ,
Then you will see the truth in relationship with the respect of your own decisions .
Exactly.
I think i was fawning during the entire 22 years of my marriage.
I fawned to all the therapists while i was a kid. They had no idea at that time. I never even heard of this til this year, but wow does it resonate unfortunately.
As a submissive in a D/s relationship, this was a useful guide on what to do to become more submissive.
Omg I feel seen. This is just my whole life!
Ah, yes Fawning! I meant her when she was yawning and we proceeded to trucking all the way to Fu*king.😊
I am all 7. I need to do some work...
Omg I do this 😢 . Only child and neglected and abused by parents that were never around .I have girlfriends say you apologize to much stop it . I do it out of habit not even realizing it .I need to learn to be myself and stop with the trying to carry everyone else through life but not myself.
I do all of these.