Why healthy shame is good for us and toxic shame isn't.
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- Опубліковано 2 сер 2024
- I was recently as a master class with Peter Levine founder of Somatic Experiencing and he was teaching the essentials around the shame response. We have become too simplistic in talking about shame and it is important to understand the different kinds. In this video I break this down and also give some examples at the end of healthy versus toxic shame. Enjoy!
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Oh wow, I'm so glad to hear you say that the antidote to shame is healthy aggression. The first time I refused to accept my parents' narrative that I am the problem, that I am sensitive, paranoid et cetera, I wouldn't back down, I tried to use LOGIC and reasoning and they labelled me again, ''angry'' on top of all of the other labels, so now their narrative is that I'm angry and that is to them '''atrocious behaviour''. As I see it I wanted to communicate and they wouldn't listen. They decided the two of them not to communicate with me. I feel like they confuse their marriage with 'The Family'. They wanted me in the family but as a tool to reflect well on them. Not as a grown up person. I have had the silent treatment now for three years as a punishment for my anger but I know it was healthy (for me). Somebody finally stood in my corner. Me.
ya, that anger that i was ridiculed for was healthy for me!
@@gumfun2 Same.
I think a good distinction between guilt and toxic shame is that guilt is the feeling we have done wrong, while toxic shame is the feeling that we are wrong.
This is the best way to explain the concept. Guilt and shame are two different things, and your explanation frames the idea perfectly.
It may seem to be clear distinction but unfortunately many people are identifying themselves with their actions what makes that much more difficult to separate.
@@Thermofiction such a crucial thing for people to separate themselves from
Some people feel guilt even if they haven't done anything wrong because of guilt trips. "You don't deserve to be happy unless I'm happy" sort of thing.
Classic distinction: guilt comes from knowing you did something wrong; Shane is the feeling that you ARE something wrong.
@Nathan Buckingham good point
But this distinction is not so clear in the case of healthy shame. Agreed?
Yep. I was told in 3rd grade I'm gonna be homeless if I dont do my homework. From then on it was repeated, moved onto even if I wasnt I'd be evicted and itd be declared a biohazard because I didn't clean my room. I often heard 'why should we do something (like a class. Automotive and Cosmetology were and still are my hobbies at 15) for you, you're just gonna f it up. Be like your sister. It got to the point at 16 I said to them "discouragement is not encouraging" and they shrugged it off as teenage stuff. Thanks for this.
Toxic shame is akin to feeling the lack of a right to even exist, your very existence becomes shameful when you grow up in a toxic environment.
I'm currently in a support group: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. It's awesome! There may be one in your area.
"Uses humiliation to control behavior". Damn.
Right!?
Pretty powerful stuff...
Nicole - Team Lyon
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans literally saved my life many years ago. The shaming/raging in my face was terrifying to my Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) nervous system.
Yes, I think it is extremely important that while forcefully correcting something (what you call 'healthy shame') we ALSO make sure that the child deeply understands (viscerally) that s/he is still deeply loved and supported and that our correction does NOT mean that they are inherently bad in who they are. This is a really delicate dance to play and one that has a real art to it. I think that ultimately the key to doing it successfully is truly loving/living inside love (not as a fanciful idea, but as a felt reality).
Very well articulated!
The thing is, children really don’t “know anything”. It’s parents’ job to teach them how to navigate. Sometimes shame comes when parents act like children should automatically know what is safe, unsafe, good or bad.
Very good point!
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
Exactly! Sometimes my father acted like I should magically know how to do something he didn’t feel like teaching me and made me feel bad when I didn’t. That (and also other factors) made me feel like I’m responsible to learn everything myself. Thankfully I have also found the fun in getting to know things, my parents always supported my curiosity, but asking for help and actually showing stuff that’s not "ready" yet (like sketches to one of my design profs) feels like horror.
Oh gosh yes. Looking back, I feel that almost adult levels of 'sense' were expected of me from a young age with little direct training or guidance about how to navigate things. Of course I was taught clearly not to touch the iron etc but every physical mishap or near miss was 'my own fault' (I quote). Mistakes, even spilling a drink, were not allowed as they were considered 100% preventable with this mysterious 'sense'. More crazy-making was getting older and having social behaviours and responses expected but never really taught. 'You should have.../everyone knows/why can't you be more like X?'
@@sonyaross946 too relatable , every age just expected to know what to do and do the right thing
yesyesyes
I want to be sensitive about this, but I feel it's important to note that in the knife example given, what is being called healthy shame is neither necessary nor really healthy. Most of us eventually learn to use a knife correctly without having that lingering shame Irene says she still sometimes flashbacks to when using a knife. I imagine that is because most of us were simple corrected and taught and not given a dose of supposedly healthy shame. Hence most of us know how to safely use a knife now and don’t have that little shame flashback. It's an important distinction. Hope this is helpful.
I agree. It feels like she is mixing right and wrong with shame. There is no need for wrong to ever be connected to shame. There is no need for any sense of shame when training a dog. In fact it’s very counterproductive to let a dog feel any sense of shame when corrected. They should always know the connection is there.
I was that child who got shamed by my mother.
This makes so much meaning, this is wry I have so much anxiety the last 40 years. Im 47 years old.
Glad it's given you some insight into your anxiety. Keep exploring! Healing is possible.
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
It's also worth adding that if we don't regulate and heal, not only are we more likely to attract other relationships that mirror our wounded past, we're more likely to parent our own children in the same way. My husband often reacts to my son (my biological child) through unhealed patterns of his own childhood - he's triggered by some behaviours in those places that were wounded and I find I have to step in a 'rescuer' (in the drama triangle) or unpack the situation afterwards, offering the connection and presence that was missing. It's a dynamic that needs a lot of attention and compassion currently.
The coupling of right and wrong with any sense of shame is counterproductive to the human experience. Your example with the knife shows that clearly. The sense of shame you felt is still with you even though most people use a knife without any sense of shame and are just fine.
Guilt is 'i made a mistake'. Shame is 'i am a mistake'!
With guilt - where "I made a mistake" is that it may also be followed by the downward spiral of "and I'm a bad person." (as mentioned in the video at about 6:30min onward).
Healthy shame is a learning experience (important at a young age). It can bring on a similar response within the body as toxic shame does, but the big difference is that with healthy shame there's connection (empathy, love) afterwards leading to a realization that "I'm not bad", but instead "what I did was bad - but I'm still loved and excepted."
If, when growing up, the person experienced more toxic shame, they are more likely to go down the shame spiral in situations where they only were guilty of something.
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
Excellent explanation!! Very clear. I wish I could show this to my mom. I’m afraid It would break her to hear the truth of the way she spoke to me and continues to speak to me in adulthood, without having any idea she’s doing harm. It’s that blind intergenerational cycle of toxicity. I’m glad you used the word “arrow” or “dart” as that’s exactly how it feels even small critical comments can go right into the solar plexus like an invisible poison arrow. It’s amazing how much power and responsibility we have to one another
Yes. It's hard to share this kind of information with ones close to us who aren't in a place to hear it. I hope the information in the videos give some insight into how you can work with your response in your body. And hopefully eventually you will find a way to educate her in a way that won't break her. 🤞🏼
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
I was touched by your sharing about your mother. I see you and send you my best for this journey.
May I add that your intention is NOT to "break" your mother. I'm sure, you can find non-aggressive words to share this information with her if you want to. The way she processes the information is NOT your responsibility.
Maybe it is hard for her to realize/accept what she and most of parents I think did in the past to their children. BUT you can be direct to what is happening NOW and not let these hurtful comments without an action in protecting you. That does not have to go around with sn aggressive way of speaking. A very decise and clear :"Mom, this comment hurts." If she reacts to it in a positive way -- great. If not :"Mom, if you keep going I will leave for today."
Stay healthy and safe!!!
I remember my mom saying, apparently after I did something “wrong”, “One of these days I’m going to drive away from here and never come back.” The terror and confusion of that is with me to this very moment, I’ve been in a process of awakening to these experiences. My mom has made her transition, it’s profound how I continue to live out that part of what was our living relationship… now I live it alone and I honestly don’t know how to heal something that feels this embedded within me.
Oh these two videos are such a gift! Thank you from my soul. Being able to share these toxic shame/rotten meat concepts is such a relief. They're great for helping describe our inner landscape when we can't find the words. And just being able to offer them to others in the community who may see themselves-- fantastic! Thank you
Thank you thank you Irene for sharing this critical information. To me this is the most valuable video you have ever posted. This topic is so needed especially in my community. I hope you continue to say more on this and would love to hear your take on Pride as well. Much appreciate it.
You are more accurate than many professional's describing personality disordered behavior. They have determined that the highly aggressive, often disgusted person, is actually ashamed and having low self-esteem. Very false. The disordered person is actually claiming territory that isn't theirs, and when they should feel shame, the resort to aggression to defend the territory they should not claim.
I think it is not false that the highly aggressive disgusted person is free from toxic shame...the person just operates from an outer critic projecting this toxic shame and disgust in others, as other people -- like me have this inner critic shaming ourselves.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY'RE LESS RESPONSABILE FOR ABUSING EMOTIONALLY OR FISICALLY OTHERS. But it gives you a clue as the receiver of their behaviour -- me for a very long time -- to take it less personally and now I am starting to shame in a healthy way the person ("Do not talk to me like that or I walk away!") and not so much myself anymore.
We can heal from toxic shame!!!
Very important to cultivate healthy relationships though!!!
I just came across your channel and videos and my goodness - right on time.
New subscriber
Your work and Info is so valuable to my healing!!
Hello, Sophia here from Team Lyon. Thank you for your comment and we're glad you're finding value in this work. Wishing you the best
Thank you so much for this! I’ve always known shame had a healthy value at some level and never had the translation for it until now… 👏🏼
It would help me and others possibly if this therapeutic community acknowledge people like John Bradshaw who wrote 'Healing the Shame That Binds You' and the work of Codependency Recovery. I find the intention of much work is hindered by a need to reinvent the wheel when may viewers like me may not be professionals but by being on our own healing and recovery journey for decades already know much of this. Finally so glad toxic shame is coming out of hiding at last. It really is the final prisoner of the Patriarchal system to be released🙏🏽
Yes! To toxic shame coming out of hiding and finally understood.
Thanks for your comment. I personally am not familiar with John's book and look forward to exploring it :)
Nicole - Team Lyon
Could't agree more...thanks!!!
I've been reading that but not done yet
Beautifully put 🙏🏻 ❤
‘Tap into our healthy agression’. Yes , love it
I'm grateful for how openly and frequently you share these important nuggets of information. Soooo helpful! I've done years of SE work and other somatic modalities and while my intellect has been fed - your videos are super helpful. Keep going! Thank you!
So great to hear!!
Thank you Irene, I needed to hear this today.!😊
Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
Aggressive with life in a positive way!!! That's gold! I'm feeling sooooo much resistance again :/. This helped ty Irene! So I think I need to engage more with the questions in the program. Ty.
I have expelled anger from my psyche long time ago.😟 That is scary, to get genuinely angry.
Hi Sara Michael, Jen here from Team Lyon. Many of us have learned that getting angry is scary. One of the ideas that we can consider in this nervous system work is that there is a way of relating to anger in a conscious way, so that it becomes a constructive energy instead of a destructive one. It can be important to make space to feel into the fear that comes up too and we cultivate this new relationship. In time, it does change. I'll link to some related info in case you'd like to learn more.
What is Healthy Aggression? - irenelyon.com/2019/08/19/what-is-healthy-aggression/
Healthy Aggression: The way to un-frustrate frustration - sethlyon.com/healthy-aggression-the-way-to-un-frustrate-frustration/
Thank you, very helpful and in fact, as I find, very upto date this year 2020 :)
9:22 what you described seems more like guilt, not shame
_"that_ was wrong", "I just _did something_ wrong"
guilt as in empathy for yourself and your own safety.
Yes Very well said
And True as ever
Great video
ThankYou
Stay Cool and Healthy
XO
Thank You Irene.
Ty Irene for this.
Thank You so much! My mother taught Humiliation of me as her entertainment. She made me a Coo Coo Clock birthday Cake for my 7 year old birthday. I told her I did not want that cake. She made it anyway and took pictures of me. She called me CrAzY, She had a mother who died in the mental institution after she abandoned the children. My mom abandoned me when I was ten also. I was shamed with TOXIC Humiliation and left me to be raised by those who did the same. My life is wreckage. At 60, I cannot change and repair the SHAME brain damage.
I'm so sorry that happened to you - you deserve, and deserved love and kindness. It's very possible for you to heal.
I appreciate you sharing your story here. And am sorry to hear that this was your experience. I hope with some support and understanding of shame that you find that things can shift. Even if it's just a little bit at a time. Healing it isn't easy. But it's possible.
Wishing you insight and shifts.
Nicole - Team Lyon
from being left with Relatives who Mentally abused me i still struggle at over 80 yrs of age
It can really have some long term effects.
Great to see that you're doing some exploring around the topic. It's never to late to learn about our experience and discover how to support ourselves in new ways.
Wishing you insight and support Martin.
Nicole - Team Lyon
Lots of love to you, Martin!
very good talk, it's what i needed to learn more about. how deal with it and get over it. Thanks for the very helpful information
super helpful… thank you ❤
Another way to distinguish between guilt and shame is guilt is when you can distinguish the behaviour from your character (that behaviour was silly and could have gotten you hurt), whereas shame is felt and expressed as a personal attack (you are stupid, good for nothing).
Hi Tien Truong,
Nicole here from Team Lyon.
Guilt is more a cerebral experience. It is mind based, as Irene mentions 6:40. Guilt is a societal label we've put on doing something wrong.
It's a confusing topic as there are others that say different things about this. But I find it easiest to grasp in seeing that guilt is not an emotional response we have. Where as shame is. Just like all emotions, we can experience them in unhealthy ways and we can experience them in healthy ways. I would invite you to rewatch the video from that perspective and see what you get out of it.
Cheers!
For me it's my mom. Now I'm OnCall caregiver for her. Love my folks, but mostly here because of my lack of success in life. I'm chest high in quicksand and it's massively overwhelming.
Thank you
Great differentiation of these concepts....makes it all very clear. Thanks, Irene!
This is smart
I want to make mention of the type of shame that is more indirect, such as in the case of emotional neglect. I wonder if you have any input with cases in which a child’s expressed emotional needs are not validated and instead are dismissed as irrelevant, unimportant or nonexistent. In this type of circumstance, shame is passively implanted into the child, as opposed to through aggressive verbal attack. I’m curious about your input on this. Thanks.
Your knife story reminds me of a similar one of myself, a microwave and my grandfather
Any reason some people split healthy vs toxic shame and others do shame vs guilt And then toxic guilt and health guilt. I find the terms around here are not very cohesively figured out and I’m not understanding why this split tends to occur?
Hey David, Seth here from Team Lyon. Honestly I'm not sure! It might simply have to do with preference, but for me there are clear distinctions.
Healthy shame is informative and critical for young children and discourages behaviour that could be harmful to themselves or others. IT's a powerful message that says 'that action is wrong', but it doesn't leave any toxic impriont in the system.
Toxic shame says - 'YOU are bad, wrong, disgusting, etc.' and is not helpful at all and does leave a toxic imprint in the body.
So shame is visceral - it's a bodily experience. For me, guilt is more mental - it's thinking about what we did wrong, it is the mental process that is an echo of the toxic shame imprint.
Hello Irene,
Hello team Lyon,
Thank you for sharing such good quality education. Lately, I've been very interested in the topic of shame. It's the first time I'm hearing about healthy shame. I watched the video and read all comments.
From previous reading I understood shame is I'm bad, VS guilt is I did something bad.
I understand from the video that the infant will FEEL in her body I did something bad, tucked tail. Could you please help me understand why this FEELING is not guilt.
And I'm wondering what makes the tucked tail different from guilt?
Thank you.
As infants when we do something that is "not ok or allowed" - usually because it might bring harm or because we are learning right from wrong, we experience this "I did something bad, tucked tail" feeling. Now. What's important is what happens after this. If the caregiver provides an experience that indicates to the infant that they are still loved and excepted the infants response is more one of learning. At this young of age the experience is more about learning than relating to guilt. As they learn and repeat it may be that guilt shows up. Verses when the experience leads to that infant interpreting this as "I'm a bad person/it's my fault" there is less of a chance of this leading to learning and eventually guilt and more the development of a toxic shame response.
Does that help?
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
Question for you. Is it possible to not be toxically shamed by your parent but to be a witness to their own internal shaming/trauma replaying inside of them and then take that one as your own trauma? My mother suffered with MS and had it before I was born. I don't recall my parents being excessively shaming in a toxic way - but I have this trauma. Just curious about that side of research? I'm assuming it can be learned.
Totally!
I don't have research to share on this topic, but I'll share my thoughts :)
As a child, much of our learning is from what we see. So if as an infant your "roll model" was modeling the shame response there is a high chance the infant would see this behavior as "normal" and expected and therefore learn to respond to the world in a similar way.
This could be one way to look at it :)
Have you worked with shame yet with your SEP?
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
We inherit an emotional "DNA" just like we inherit a physical one. If your parents or ancestors did not clear out a particular trauma, it will be passed on to you, even if you never were told about it! It will be passed to you even if you are adopted by other parents....it isn't even simply "learned", although that can happen as well. But it is actually energetically passed to you like a hot potato. Two systems I have found to be really helpful with these "legacy burdens" are Internal Family Systems Therapy and Family Constellations Therapy. They are simply awesome at clearing issues passed through the generations, and clearing them for good!
Activation Coaching thank you for this! I agree! I’ve done family constellations once before - amazing work!
Hello :) I have early developmental trauma and I am really curious about what you think on neuroaffective relational model on healing developmental trauma
Thanks for your question Ece. Early developmental trauma IS relational trauma. Something happened, or didn't happen, in the primary relationship of connection and attachment. This affects our :
Neurobiology - how our brain and body works - our Nervous System
Affect - emotions and feelings
Relational - our capacity to connection and engage with others.
The NARM is an excellent training program. It grew out of the Peter Levines work by Dr. Lawrence Heller and Dr. Alaine LaPierre. Many SEP's go on to take the NARM training and integrate it into their practice. The key, as with any therapeutic relationship, is the relationship between the client and the therapist.
Janice - Team Lyon Moderator
@@IreneLyon thanks for your detalied answer, this helps so much. :)
I’m with you, I’m the thinking subtype of the connection style. I realized teal swan and Dana eden are examples of the spiritualizers.
RELIGIOUS upbringing for me..so much shame base lies
Thanks for sharing that Johnny. I hope this video gave you some insight and that there's a knowing that healing from this IS possible.
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
@@IreneLyon ...YES...i know GOD Loves me no matter What life brings my way..❤❤🙏👍
Johnny Limitless Sanchez it’s the blind leading the blind.
I so disagree with any connotation that shame is healthy. Disciplining and shaming are like water and oil...not a good mix and cause disconnections in the child. Like some have said below, children are learning to navigate in a world that is unfamiliar to them. They are imbued with curiosity and wonder of their environment and don't know the social or safety 'rules'. A child's brain can't make moral decisions until even starting at 7. The Frontal lobes handle this (decisions about right and wrong, as well as cause-effect relationships are processes), and it isn't really developed until adulthood. Parental guidance isn't about raising voices to shout out commands to shame them to be safe The raised voice and firm tone is to stop injury if done without further reprimanding. It's then time to guide the child in understanding what consequences could occur. This isn't shaming. This is an adult who has learned the skills to teach their child safety and emotional regulation. In having raised 4 children, taking 8 years of parenting classes I made so many mistakes then, but raising children consciously now means that shame is never part of it. I get to practice differently with my 5 grandchildren.
Hi,
I suggest reading the response to 'foxinthesnow's' comment below.
It might get insight into where Irene's coming from!
Nicole - Team Lyon Moderator
I think I saw in a video that we need to feel disgust for cure toxic shame right? So how do we cure guilt? Thank you! (I know this is more complex that my question but its just for doing a comparison) 🙏
This might already have been asked, but are there any other resources available on this subject? Esp. this idea about healthy aggression - any references you could provide?
Bailey here from Team Lyon. Head on over to irenelyon.com and search 'anger' in the blog search bar. You will find other vlogs on this topic.
I thought the antidote to toxic shame was disgust, not aggression. You mentioned this in a more recent video. Could you clarify?
Hi Ènam, I can see how this could be unclear. Disgust is closely related to healthy aggression, both are ways that the system says “no” to something that feels toxic or threatening. Disgust also often opens the door to more access to healthy aggression. Both are important in healing toxic shame.
😢
"it [toxic shame] becomes literally our structure, our cells, our DNA". Is there any scientific evidence for this "strong assumption"? I would be surprised.
I've noticed the need to express aggression to break out of toxic shame is something that isn't easily understood. It looks weird to people in a society where we're expected to fit into the mold of naive politically correct optimism.
Hey I don't why, Seth here with Team Lyon. Indeed! you are so right. Doing this work often means going against cultural norms, though often that is best done in private or with people we are safe with, especially if there are big emotions that want to move through and be expressed. It would be nice if these were more understood to be an important part of the human experience, but for now we can end up getting judged, laughed at, or making people angry or upset, which doesn't generally lead to the kind of supportive environment necessary for processing these energies successfully.,
Toxic shame is redundant. Shame, like all feelings have a spectrum of how intense the feeling is felt, so we do not need to add words to the emotion here. There is no amount of " feeling bad about who I am" that is healthy. Guilt is feeling bad about what we did, and therefore has many social functions and is a healthy emotion to feel.
Disgusting topic. But thank you for talking about it .
Don't agree. There is no healthy shaming (ie. no shaming without repressive consequences), just like there is no healthy smacking. I get that you are trying to communicate the need to socialize/condition children in a less toxic way, but no, there are IMO more evolved ways than reverting to asserting right/wrong paradigms.
Hi David, Seth here from Team Lyon. Fine to disagree, but I'll take a swing at explaining a bit more because it sounds like you are misunderstanding what we mean. You are correct that there is no healthy shaming. But there is healthy shame. What I mean is, healthy shame is not something that the parent does, its something that the child feels, in the posture, and viscerally, and these somatic cues remind the child not to do the harmful or dangerous thing.
There are things that are right and wrong. It's wrong to let your child put their hand on a hot burner and suffer terrible pain. It is right to say NO! stop! In a clear way, in order to protect the child from hurting themselves. When we say NO! stop! the child will feel the shame response - that instinctive response all mammals feel where the tailbone tucks, and the shoulders slump. These are the somatic cues that reinforce the message that the behavior is dangerous such that child will not hurt themselves in the future. As long as the parent stays connected to the child, is kind, and explains that they love them, that they are good kid etc., and that it is only the behavior that is bad or dangerous, there will be no negative consequences, only protective, positive ones. That is healthy shame.
@@IreneLyon Hi Seth and thanks for taking the time to reply to my comment.
I do understand and appreciate what you are saying but respectfully continue to disagree.
I get you are attempting to create a distinction here, but IMO it still reverberates as a manipulation when you apply the word 'shaming'. Perhaps you could use a different label and remove the concept of shame entirely.
Shame: "A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety." Guilt implies fault, and no baby or toddler can be guilty, nor ideally should ever made to feel or experience themselves as guilty or at fault.
To be honest I don't think we fundamentally disagree on the part about children 'needing' a conditioning input in order to become socialised, however I strongly disagree on the idea that 'a child is doing something wrong and needs to be manipulated into what is right'. The example you give is burning a hand on a hot plate, and therein lies the rub for me.
I have 3 children and none of them were ever shamed about hot plates, fires or any other potential danger that is easily detectable by the body. None of them ever burned themselves, nor threw themselves in the pool or down the stairs, they simply retracted their tiny hands when the heat of the fire warned them they were too close or maintained a safe distance (although not far enough away from the danger for most anxious parents). On the contrary, I have witnessed children doing exactly what the parent fears due only to the projected fear of the parent. Stair gates and forbidden access shaming is another one as I mentioned above. Babies simply do not require this kind of input and it messes with their innate ability to navigate the physical environment without harming themselves, IMO and IME.
I suggest Jean Liedloff's 'The Continuum Concept' for a deeper dive into this.
Now in terms of invisible dangers, like electricity, there is certainly a stronger case for some kind of conditioning, however, there are usually less combative modalities, in this case using child socket protection, which can be used temporarily until the child has the cognitive skills to grasp reason and discussion (which can be achieved at a far younger age than most realise).
I think where I disagree most strongly is your assumption that the child needs to feel a physiological shame response in order to 'learn'. I believe, and have experienced with my own kids, that it is possible to warn them of potential danger if they are incapable of sensing the danger, without any hint of 'shame'.
Or... we are just debating semantics really LOL
@@davidrogers5447 The Continuum Concept and Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne are two items I include in gift packs to new parents.