I literally felt my skin crawl, begging to be hugged, touched, leaned against ,something or anything! they would not let hugs linger, nor would we touch in restaurants ,in cars, chairs or couches. It’s unbearable until it becomes normal.
I completely agree!! A Narc purposely withholds touch affection, ofcourse when they want their needs met, they just grab you! Once the act is done, it's like "you feel like a burden". Every word in this video is true!!
My ex did this to me. 10 years. No intimacy before or after sex. Yes a robotic act. No hugs or caressing ever. I would explain many times what I needed. Without the sex. He would never acknowledge it. I never got it. My children bought me a massage for Mother’s Day one year ( they had no idea). I remember being face down as I got my massage and silently crying to myself bc it felt so good to be touched. That’s when I became very sad and tried to explain again to him the importance of it to me. I got nothing !!!! 2 years divorced, I don’t date. Not interested in anyone. Don’t see anyone that catches my interest. I am at peace. I love my alone time. I do go and get massages every so often. I’m ok 🙂 He moved on rather quickly……
Try not to have another partner unless you are 100% sure because it it is possible that you will end up with another narcissist. Your natural self defence mechanisms have been badly damaged. Get a cat or dog instead.
I suffered physical abuse from my narcissistic ex, but the emotional damage from touch starvation was by far the most painful. I wasn’t hugged by him for 4 years. It made me feel so inhuman and I specifically remember watching him love on the dog and feeling envious and so deeply hurt that I couldn’t have any affection at all. That was my breaking point. I left the next day and have not seen him for 2 years. When coming out of the relationship, I started making new friends and I would cry whenever they would hug me or say caring things to me. Just to feel human again is so fulfilling to my heart in this healing journey.
He wanted to be hugged, back rubs, etc., but never showed physical affection. I guess since my parents were such users, and I was told "love your enemy", I kept wasting my affection. He was born cursed or something, never able to show caring or respect, but he sure talked as though he cared. Very lazy but his parents always made sure he had a job, but he screamed and complained loudly when he came home about how it was "slave work". Not that he was that polite. If he was ever affectionate in any small way, he tried immediately to take it back, get his pound of flesh.
Me too with his dog who he never looked after unless someone he was trying to impress was looking. I loved thar dog and she was a big reason why I didn't leave sooner
Absolutely no touch hurt me a lot for so many years but after divorce I can’t thank God enough with the fact that God kept me untouched. Body stores memories and I don’t have a single stored memory. Blessed in disguise ❤
You are talking about they don't give something that comes for free...... I have experienced that they don't even want the love that we give them for free.
@@sarupav3095 They use people for supply but in their thinking if something is free then there must be a catch and they don’t want any obligations to return that love. This is such a warped way of thinking. They project their negative things onto us as if we think the same way. If I gave something to my sister that I knew she could use she would take it and not come around me or call for weeks or months till she needed something else. There was a pattern to it. And I stopped it when she started running her ex’s mother down for spending her money to buy clothing for the children after she went over and manipulated her by saying they needed those things. That mother-in-law had a heart of gold and was helping her so much. Bought her a used car, took money out of her savings, after her son divorced her to give her a car so she could go to work and make money. She’d come over to my house and complain about the scar being older etc after a couple years…something handed to her for free and still in good driveable condition. . Her husband always made sure she had a good car less than 3 or 4. Years old to drive.
They are to busy showing affection to strangers and people they don't know . The spouse is main supply they take all there crap . The 2nd and third supply are queens
As a child, I knew something was off with narc parents when unlike other parents, they would never touch or hug me. In hind sight, I don't want to be touched by these monsters!
Yep, that's my reason it's been 18 months since I told my mother I will consume feces sooner than I could kiss her old evil face! She's the most healthy 85 yo victim you could ever meet!
I knew what love felt like and how it makes you feel as well as not being loved and how it makes you feel so i agree I DON'T WANNA BE TOUCHED BY A NARC MONSTER the are like love/positive energy siphons that will literally suck the life out of you and drain you dry leaving you sad, mad , and angry because all you know how to do is love!
I love how you dive into topics that are missed by many therapists. God has blessed you with not just an extensive understanding but also a profound compassion. Thank you I pray for all of your healing!!
True. When I got pregnant with our only son,the exhusband narc withheld touch and any form of attention towards me. He also would call me from work days after I gave birth via C section to ask me if my fat ass got on the treadmill yet ( 3 days after my surgery c-section !! ) and I wasn't even fat😢 I never felt so alone and neglected in my entire life!! And believe me when I say I have experienced neglect and abandonment in my childhood and teenage years, yet nothing compared to being married and living with a narcissist. I pray everyone heals from any form of abuse from these evil people who only destroy, steal and kill you, just like the enemy does to the human race. Blessings to all❤ I ❤ and appreciate this channel, thank you.
LITERALLY WHAT IVE TOLD THE NARCISSIST A WEEK AGO! THAT I FEEL LIKE THOSE PEOPLE IN PRISON THAT THEY PUNISH THEM WITH NO HUMAN TOUCH. IT CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS. THEY ARE RUTHLESS!
I remember suffering from this when I was married to the narc. He was void of natural affection. Of course he wanted all the attention on himself but he had no desire to show me love
Touch starvation and skin hunger. I had never heard these terms before this video, but I can certainly relate. It explains much of my sadness during and after narcissist exposure. It is a very enlightening video. I sure appreciate you, Danish, and all your excellent teaching!
Goodness gracious me 😢this is like a double whammy video OMG sooo true for those not having touch from Primary Care Givers and then again later on in life. Then you suffer twice over since you are denied it again, then you push people away after the trauma and break up. Thank you for opening the door and letting light in on this situation. Your work is very much appreciated.😊❤
I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to be hugged by a good person after years of narcissistic abuse. I don’t want the narcissist to touch me but I am starving for physical affection.
When u have a child, u can't even imagine for second relationship. Being a mother even if I wish to enter into second relationship I cannot because I have a fear that what if that person abuse my daughter
If you have to beg or chase for affection, intimacy, interaction or attention its a one sided situation. Its more about power and control that is devoid of mutual love. Robotic obligatory resentful intimacy is not genuinely authentic and not a substitute for real connection. Its unhealthy & toxic.
You nailed it again! Touch is my primary love language, and my narc-ex used this starvation to control me and tear me apart, just as you said. Thanks for laying it out this way; it helps to understand what happened.
Same here. And another tactic he would use to make me feel even more devalued was that he would warmly embrace all of his female co-workers and friends in front of me but he would never allow them to ever see him giving me any kind of affection. Truly manipulative and sick. They are fake to the core.
Its heartbreakingly sad how they physically and emotionally starve you. Trying to provoke you to bend over backwards to please or appease is appalling. If you're in this situation please don't pretzel yourself for mere crumbs of affection or acknowledgement. You can regain your power by reconnecting with yourself 💙 Love yourself more by giving yourself what they are unable to give you. Shift your focus to giving yourself the words of encouragement, acknowledgement and compliments. Do nice thoughtful things for yourself that make you feel good, balanced and at peace. Buy yourself flowers, make a cup of tea or java, prepare a meal that you enjoy, buy yourself a treat, listen to your favorite tunes or read a good book 😘
Yep, Yep, and Yep! I actually had no idea what this was until I started having dreams where I was laying next to somebody, skin to skin. I thought to myself: "That's an odd dream!" But I think the brain goes into cope mode when things in your life are wrong or broken. Things in my marriage went so sideways that these dreams were recurring quite frequently. Then I looked up this skin issue I was having. Skin hunger came up in my searches and I explored the issue further. I actually found a cuddle club on Meetup and went to a couple of events. They were supportive there at the group but I felt like I was cheating on my spouse. But, the couple of times I went gave me the skin nourishment I needed to carry on for two years longer in my toxic marriage until I finally divorced her.
Omg! I remember very clearly my ex narc not cuddling with me at night he would turn his back to me. When I was going through cancer treatment and trying to get over finding out he had been cheating the entire relationship,I asked for more hugs throughout the day,he turned my request into an just about hour long argument with me in tears. He didn't care
So damn true, unfortunately. My narc mom never said she loved me and never touched me affectionately. My narc ex-husband was the same, and my narc son never gave hugs. Definitely have lived a life of skin hunger; it is positively painful.
@@wms72 there are pets with no fur, apparently there are also dry foods for pets that help them not produce the stuff in their body that triggers allergy in people. Got that info from a short about raising chicken with cats
Same story, narc monster mom, ex and daughter narc sociopath.... I can not breath of emotional pain. I got a dog after devorce. It was the most loving being in the entire world. He lef me after fourteen years. This point of life is hard to explain....
This is LITERALLY the MOST VALIDATING description of my experience that I have EVER heard. THANK YOU for creating this video. This brought me so much comfort. It undid a lot of the shame that I've had built up inside of me. THANK YOU.
When my husband gave me the silent treatment, he did that to our children too. I succeeded taking their attention away from him when they were young. He gaslighted my son a lot - as a teenager, and now as an adult, too. Once he didn't even hug me for 2-3 years. I told my adult daughter that I hadn't been hugged for so long - now she hugs me every time she sees me. I love my children. Edit: He abused me for 42 years of our marriage. I left him almost 4 months ago. Thank you for this video.
i had same treatment.its cruel and calculated.47 years of wasted hugs.i am a year free of the monster i married.i am healing slowly and appreciate channels like this.i thought because i had switched off to him.that it was me.i got so down with this .the mind games ect.one day i just thought.i am going no where with this.just existing on crumbs from his table.he physically attaked me so i called the police.they removed him and i have not seen him since.......rock on baby.good riddence to bad rubbish!
I broke down the first two minutes of this. I can’t even listen to it now; it is so painful. You have such insight to the actual trauma. Maybe I can return and listen at a later date.
Both of my parents were narcs. As an adult I don't know how to receive and give hugs. Over the years my awkwardness has disappeared. As a child I loved to go out on warm windy days. The winds buffering my skin felt like hugs and physical affection.
I was the same, and started to figure it out, but as an adult, marriage to another narcissist put me back in a similar spot. This time I could see the problem as the deliberate withdrawal from affection that it was, because there was a before and after. With my family, growing up that way made it seem more like a norm until I was old enough to contrast their behaviors with those of healthier families I knew.
This was a big issue for me. My love language is physical touch too. It really was a problem for me. Fortunately, I found a wonderful man who loves touch too!
My mother is a narcissist and she has never hugged me, she never hold me, caressed me or something like that. Never. She never told me she loved me even when I cried or something. She said. She did not do that in order not to soul me. But for me this is just an excuse. I had never felt that I had a mother. Now she tells me, - I am your mother. ..... No dirty. I have never felt you as a mother in my entire life. Recently I found out she is a narcissist and this explains it all. I have no more contact with her....
My mom is a narcissist and my stepdad was (is) paranoid schizophrenic. My childhood was extremely bizarre. My mom never hugged me. Never said she loved me. He would but then he'd hit me, hit my mom etc. I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist for 17 years the last 8 of which we didn't even hold hands let alone anything else. It has really fucked me up. When people touch me now I don't know how to react. I freeze because it's so foreign to me. So now I've just isolated, extremely. Which I realize isn't healthy but people just scare me. Always.
This type of treatment is purely evil. To think I took 13 years of this BS! Thank you for making these videos to help so many. Update: does anyone else have an adult child that treats you the exact way your now ex narc treats you? To me, this is the most pain out of this
I took 28 years of narc parents, a childhood narc frenemy, a narc brother, school mates, a ex and now I’m alone. I’d rather die alone at this point. I don’t have love or faith in humanity. I just want to make a live action movie about my life and then get off this planet a legend smh 🤦🏻♀️
This is so true. My ex-narc-wife withheld sex and intimacy to such an extreme that we only had intercourse twice in the 5 years after our son was born. The divorce occurred soon after the 5 year mark after our son was born. This was one of her methods that she used to totally control me and our relationship.
I'm very impressed that this topic was even "a thing" Because I experienced the exact same thing. I noticed what was happening but I couldn't bring myself to beg for affection. I kicked them out my life not very long after.
I lost count as to how many nights I cried myself to sleep because when I did finally get that physical intimacy he would fall asleep. I wish I would've known a lot of this information 30 years ago. It might've saved me a whole lot of damage. The more I learn from these videos, the more I learn I was a narcissist magnet from childhood. Better late than never though.
Wow... this triggered so much inside of me. Only it wasnt a partner it was my mother. She only hugged me after she deliberately hurt me and it played such a damaging role in my life that I hate effection today. Especially when visiting her with my husband, i dont want to be touched even by him around her. Just today she ripped my heart out as i held back crying with what she did and knew she was hurting me in doing it then she hugged me and kissed my cheek adding "i love my daughter" and i tensed up and didnt speak. I was so uncomfortable and just felt so unimportant, unwanted and rejected and yet shes hugging me.. its so real how emotionally unsettling it is. Around her and my brother I hate life. I am so unhappy and depressed. Im not allowed my feelings and they always attack me with the one and only bad thing that has ever happened to me, they make me relive it. I am emotionally attached to my husband but I want to be alone and untouched while we go to my parent's house and i couldn't understand it until now Thank you danish
1000% true. Absolutely! I couldn't make sense of it all. She literaly pused me away, when I wanted to hug or kiss her. I was called selfish, just for wanting to hug her in the morning before leaving for work. It got to the point, that I am so deprived of love, that I started harming myself. All you say here is soooooo true, and it was unbelievably hurtful.
Can’t stop crying since hearing this podcast…. Story of my life. When I use to beg him for a hug, he use to beat me blue and black…. And yet had and continues to have multiple affairs and one night stands… lives apart and is a monster ensuring I have no one not even a friend or anyone in physical form to even speak to or hug…. Sadly he was the only person in my life.,, never even dated anyone due to my narc orthodox parents who never bothered what I go through … perhaps someone will hug me when I am on the other side of the realm
@jbrown2908 The narc may be using financial control to maintain dominance even though they live apart. This is usually true, especially when there's kids in the mix. I know because I've lived the situation this person is describing. My narc ex has also stalked me, ran off friends, hacked social media, etc despite being divorced for 10yrs. Police have only minimally intervened. This may be this person's issue too & the advice you doled out with good intention just comes off as shaming and condescending. If it was that simple, this person would've already done so. People need empathy way more than advice.
@purelight8791 - I'm in a similar situation and I also often feel like these problems won't be resolved in this life. There's a helplessness there that turns into resigned apathy that sometimes tips even further into looking forward to the end of such a bleak life. When I hit that low of a low, I like to go to the animal shelter and just play with the dogs and kitties. Their touch is the only genuine and authentic touch I've ever had ♥️. A plus is since the animals are at the shelter, none of my psycho family or narc ex can kill them (has happened unfortunately). Anyway, I hope you can find a bit of sunshine just for you that can't be stolen ❤. Hugs!
@@shannonchristian4192 true… I stand to lose my home if I file divorce as he gets take half. He made sure I lost my job due to autoimmune issues before he left. Still have 2 autistic children to look after whom he abandoned even before they were born… and worst part is the legal system will still give him custody rights if i divorce that he will further abuse to torture my children and me. Even contemplated giving up citizenship and move elsewhere but system doesn’t permit to relinquish on behalf of children …. Whilst apart still hacks and stalks … abuse worsens after they physically live apart
I craved hugs from my narc parents, sister, uncles, grandparents but never got. Later on I didn't want them to even touch me. When I had my daughter I loved her so much and hugged her like crazy. Now she is 12 and doesn't like to be hugged. Nor does she hug me. I am starved for physical touch. Thank you for bringing this topic up and informing about help on UA-cam
Try side hugs and conversations from the same angle. Kids that age are doing their job in trying to manage greater independence from parents, but they also really do need occasional affection from them, whether they know it or not. 🥰
Beware of emotional enmeshment with your children which is another topic. Healthy hugs is one thing but over reliance on children filling your emotional needs is another. Hugs provide oxytocin as does breast feeding, looking for healthy ways to increase oxytocin outside of your connection to your children is highly beneficial. Best friend hugs are awesome too 😘
It's astounding how many different facets there are to the damage caused by narcissistic treatment. Neither of my parents displayed any physical affection (or verbal to me) to my sister or I. Their explanation was it was 'dirty', wrong and of course 'germs.' I still cannot stand being touched or even being close to other people due to it being drilled into my head that physical displays of affection was BAD. I obviously know better now - 60+ years later but I cannot shake the negative connotations I was conditioned to since infancy. A complete shame, lonely waste of life:'(
That's so true. Narcs completely mess with their victim's wiring, and while the narc is the insane one, the victim is the one that ends up questioning one's sanity.
you CAN reverse this but it takes work. just like if a parent or whoever tells the kid, "you are bad" or "you are stupid" it can be reversed. reprogramming the brain, it does work. whatever the negative belief is, you persistently now reverse that thought, if someone said that "you are bad", affirm your goodness, if they said, "you are stupid" affirm your brilliance and so on. read books by Joseph Murphy "Power of your Subconscious Mind" or even Bob Proctor on youtube, it's hard but you are meant to overcome challenges, God is in you as your Soul and is all powerful but we have our part to do, God will help you. DO NOT LET THE EVIL ONES WIN!
I don't question my sanity because even as a very young child i recognized things weren't right in our family dynamic. And I definitely know what typical 'normal' affectionate behavior looks like and should be. But despite knowing better I am still uncomfortable in situations that may cause physical closeness even as simple as a hug. I didn't realize until fairly recently that this is likely why I've been a loner my entire life and am now also a hermit, literally do not have one single, real-life human friend. Any socializing is done online with random people here and there such as in this chat right now. I am grateful to finally understand what's caused these pervasive, uncomfortable feelings but sorry to hear so many others are also suffering similarly. It's a constant inner struggle wanting to be social and have companionship but too awkward and socially stunted to interact normally.
Thank you for validating my pain. I needed it badly. I thought I was evil for being jealous of his dog for the physical affection he got while I got none at all. I want to cry my heart out.
It's so strange how narcs use the same formula. Did Satan give them all the same playbook? Thank you so much Danish for discussing this with us, it's hugely validating hence healing.
You truly are the best recovery coach. I’ve been researching this since 2012 , first time I had something coming from a psychiatrist who met him , when I suffered a burnout . You have truly been chosen to be used by God and given this gift to teach so many around the world. I am building a restoration project for victims and you are at the top of my resource list . 🙏❤️ it’s very sad for them. I have had a good self worth though through it all. I took advantage of growing myself in many ways and the Lord was my comfort , my husband. You described my 40 yr marriage exactly . 3 children and 5 yrs apart .
Only recently found out that I married a narcissist, I thought he suffered from depression but clearly he’s a narcissist, I have been married 19years and he has destroyed me, I didn’t know who I was anymore I’m only just finding myself again thanks to Danish and people in the comments, i can’t leave because I depend on him financially as he took all my independence away from me so I am trapped in his cage, but now I understand how it all works I am dealing with it my way, I thought it was me all this time that was the problem I have been blaming myself for his failures, the robotic sex the no intimacy it all makes sense, now I can stop blaming myself for his wrongdoings, he self pleasures himself and watches porn in the night and all the time he made me feel like I was rubbish at sex and inadequate, I am 61 and he’s 55 I blamed the age gap between us but now realise it’s him that’s the problem not me. Thanks to Danish and everyone in the comments I am learning a lot.
Mine got me "accidentally" pregnant on his birthday and then basically didn't touch me for 8 months until i was having my thrid emergency C-section and he had an audience and kissed me on my forehead and i cried and realized in that instant he had not held my hand nor touched me, nor rubbed my shoulder, hugged me,nor kissed me or anything in like 8 months and he only did it for looks. They thought I was scared and cried because of that and yet it was so much worse and prayed I would be ok because of not he would not show our baby enough love and kindness. That's when it started to all become more evident and undeniable...
Omg thank you for sharing this! I was married to a narcissist! Went through this for years! Always thought it was me! Thought I was too fat or too ugly! Watching this made me cry!
You described my entire marriage. I hate that he makes me feel so lonely then f**ks me like a robot & gets mad when I don't enjoy it. I want a divorce so bad but then my kids & I will be homeless. I can't afford anything on my own.
He withheld affection because he wanted me to feel ugly and less than when he was ugly on the inside and outside. In a loving relationship, everybody should be showered with love affection and warmth.
My narc almost killed me when I asked him to massage my back. He pushed me down hard on the bed that although my head is turned to the side exposing my nose,I could still not breath from too much pressure on my lungs. I prayed "God I leave my children and everything to you whatever will happen to me today" and then I layed limp. The narc must have been scared that I could really have died, he released his hands from my back and then I was able to breath.
It's a relief to have this phenomenon named and validated. The hunger is like an itch that never gets scratch. Affection from others then makes you recoil 😢
They make good things triggers. I don't like even to hear "I love you" from anyone other than my kids because it makes me feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated.
This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I called her an "intimacy anorexic". It wasn't till recently I figured out she was vulnerable narcissist.
I began to feel repulsed by my, then, husband. I didn't understand why I felt that way. I thought there was something wrong with me without realizing until much later it was because of how he was treating me.
I've been in many narcissistic relationships and they ALWAYS starve you. I bought a house with one. He distanced and then stopped all intimact within a MONTH of moving in. I asked what was wrong and he said it was stress. Despite us being 50 / 50 partners. We had no issues with money etc. This lasted 2 years until he told me he was asexual 😢 I left the relationship and never looked back. It was the loneliest time of my life and it ruined my looks and health (weight gain)
Oh my goodness, you have described my experience so well. Thank you for being a blessing to many people and beng a angel to help with healing. Healing is essential and top priority to my survival. Thank God for you.
Each n every word u said is correct. Tears r rolling down while watching ur video. U know my condition more than anyone in this world. Thx a lot n God bless Danish
My grandmother who's mother was put into asylum for child abuse (late 1920s) learned so young to never expect physical love or comfort from people. She would say "God didn't make men to comfort a woman, that's why He made cats. And God made dogs, that a man could have someone obey his every command without question. "
That hit hard. When I stopped allowing him I was accused of cheating and even thought he was sure of his accusations he won’t leave…I’m still in shock and don’t know how to get out even with the help with of therapy. I feel I’m going crazy 😔
My mom - yep. My entire childhood even now I still remember when I was really little the loving she was when I was like 3? - and I tried everything to get that mother back… it’s hard for me to accept even now that that’s not her. She never breadcrumbed touch after she let go of her mask tho. All just throwing material things at me to try to pacify me. She wasn’t touchy or lovey previous to that either. I didn’t know I needed touch intimacy until a friend - at college just randomly bear hugged me after class one day - and I sunk after being super tense like wtf- he didn’t let go even though I was tense which caused me to sink realizing touch was nice. I did go crazy for touch after that- but unfortunately I wasn’t out of her house yet and she had kept me isolated from others so well - so I felt the touch starvation a LOT harder after that
I am just realizing how narcissistic my mom was. When I was young, I just thought she was just not affectionate and was too controlling or critical, but she said and did too many hurtful things. My dad was not affectionate either and worked a lot of overtime. To this day (I am in my 50s), I don't like people touching me. In years past when I went to church, I just cringed when the pastor would encourage people to hug several people around them. Some of us will always feel broken and alone. Also, I have always had very low self-esteem. I thank God for this channel and everyone here who also shares their stories.
I withheld intimacy from my husband after he devalued me. The last thing I wanted was to have him touch me if he felt so bad about me. He called me a Covert Narc now I think maybe I am. Early in the relationship I use to give him all kinds of affection, and I remember him telling me his ex wife stopped having sex with him and he had to beg for sex. I promised him I would never deny him sex and he would throw it in my face every time I didn't want sex. I didn't withhold sex the whole 10 years of our marriage it was just the last year and a half. He made me feel so worthless and called me fat and disgusting and even told me my stomach looked like a watermelon stretch marks and all. That shattered me and I never wanted to be fully naked around him again. I didn't want to be intimate bc that was always in my head that I was not good enough.I started going to the gym and slimming down and he said are you going to get all smoking hot and leave me. I couldn't believe he said that to me. I said No. that's crazy my mind doesn't think like that. I was fit when we met and so was he, and his ex wife had gained weight and he always complained to me that she let herself go, and he loved that I wanted to take care of myself and be so girly and always do my hair and makeup and that she doesn't even try for him anymore. He was a truck driver and all through our marriage even if he said he was coming home at 3 am. I would have my make up and hair done just for him. I always wanted to look good for him. Last year it all changed when he kicked me out of the truck while we were in a fight at his parents house and I had to get an Uber back 2 hours away
Overall males overall have become conditioned to Narcissism. To be the one with a harem. So, I mean I stopped dating. It's easier to have a pet for affection .
Oh my goodness, that is exactly what happened to me. U described it exactly the way it happened to me. What on earth happens to people who act like this. When it happened to me I became despondent & just no longer cared about myself. I didn't know it was some kind of disorder. My relationship went on for 7 years. He slowly started withdrawing from me..... everything you said was exactly what happened to me...exactly....after 3 years he came back but did not stay. I was better off without him. I didn't clean my house. I didn't leave my house unless it was necessary. I didn't realize they (he) enjoyed to see me suffer. What on earth ever happened to someone to make them so warped. I M glad I M out of his grip. It was a one way trip to hell with no way to return. Thank-U for this education. I had no idea.
You are such a GODSEND, your therapy is literally explaining everything I didnt understand and saving my very life. Thank you Danish bless your empathic heart
I cried watching this video. You are describing my current marriage. His excuse for not showing any kind of affection is that he "doesn't like public displays of affection", but even in our home and even when the kids are gone, he still literally acts scared of me- like I come on "too aggressive" when all I'm doing is going to give him a hug. His other excuse is that he "cuddles" me all night. I do find myself laughing because our daughter doesn't like him cuddling with her. He gets so sad that she doesn't like affection from him, and he thinks I'm being "dramatic" when I say to him, "See, now you know how I feel, because you treat me the same way our daughter treats you." And he straight up denies that he does that to me. 🙄 I have been seriously contemplating divorce, because I don't get the physical attention I need from him. I'm tired of being in a loveless marriage, it feels more like a friendship. I'm not even 40 yet (still have a couple more years to go) and we haven't had actual sex in over 3 years I think. It's been too long, I've lost count.
Both my parents were narcissists, father grandiose and mother covert. To this day, I still recoil at physical touch due to decades of their physical abuse and withholding of physical affection. I have had to retrain myself and make a big effort to give my children physical affection so that the cycle does not continue ... but I do not naturally like to have anyone touching me or near me, unless it is an intimate sexual partner. For years, I kept sexual partners at an emotional distance as well ... purely physical and I moved on. I've also retrained myself not to do that. In her latter years, my covert narc mother would try to hug and kiss me, which literally made me almost vomit. I would push her away and get out of there as fast as I could. Same with her suddenly telling me "I love you" after 50 years of never doing so. My response was usually, "Yeah, right."
@@sallybutler1005 Oh gosh, don't get me started on Xmas and Thanksgiving 🙄 Took me years, but I'm finally at the point where I don't attend any of them anymore. It was excruciating pretending to be nice to people who had no qualms about being nasty to me (behind closed doors) all of my life.
The further you stay away from them, the better person you become. Have the guts to feed them their own medicine, and they understand their place. You have to develop a stronger personality and be socially well connected. The narcs' biggest fear is image in society, that can either build them or break them.
My narc husband withheld all intimacy from me sex dissapeared very early on and no physical touching after that .there was always a space between us..not even hand holding or sitting together..yet he was always touching and flirting with other women in front of me.I was so lonely..I would love someone to hug me and say something nice to me..but I would probably burst into tears..my soul is crushed by that monster.😢
Thank you Danish for your channel…it helps to know what was actually going on in our lives..it all makes sense now..at least we are validated On our thinking and trying to work it all out why people were being so horrible to us..we are good pure hearted people who would not harm anyone and tell the truth always..people hate that..they love to live in their fantasy world that they make up to excuse their vile behaviour. I would love to feel normal again and trust people..but for now I will stay single.. God bless you for your work..♥️♥️
Made me make horrible decisions that ruined my life , mental health, and self esteem... this is the hardest work I have ever done...and I am so exhausted 😞. Thank you for your channel ❤
Wow Danish this one hit hard. You described my entire marriage to a narc. Thankfully i divorced him eventually after 15 yrs. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship now, never ever want to experience the hell of touch starvation in a relationship again. You are the only person who has truly understood the hell i have been through. Thank you for seeing me and helping me to see others have been thru the same.
Before I knew he was a narcissist, we were in marriage therapy. She asked us if anyone in the marriage felt lonely. The narcissist confidently said, “no” and my answer was “yes” This was interesting because the narcissist was bashing me that I withheld affection & sex from him, yet he didn’t feel lonely. Sex was the only form of affection I got and I was so lonely & the sex act itself became disgusting to me. Often I would cry when it was over.
Danish, mamma mia, thank you, what a good explanation! A guy sometimes wants to see me (without ever talking about our "situationship", whether it is a friendship or something else), and sometimes disappears for a while. When he comes over and there are only the two of us unseen, while talking he gives me soft touches, which I never invited him to. I was perplexed, but lately I have come to realize it must be his tactics to condition women, arouse desire and then we know the rest of the story.
It wasn't until I would see my family or grandchildren once a year that I would feel the touch of a hug or kiss from anyone. I didn't want to let go. Was so sad when they left.
Our kids hate being touched. They went from demanding skin to skin touch when little, to hating anyone touching them. They’ll accept my hugs but they don’t want them. I wish I knew what their father was a long time ago. The effects on them are the most heartbreaking.
I can relate to this. My narc female parent never touched me except to hit. And she even used objects, like a board, to hit me with so she could avoid touching. I think girls who grow up starved for a loving touch can easily be drawn into premature, unwise sexual relationships, just to obtain that touch.
Yes, I remember Minirth & Meyer, christian psychiatrists, saying that on tv in the 80's. Young girls promiscuous lifestyles can be a result of parents like that.
I think my superpower has always been my generally introverted personality, because it has probably protected me from this all my life to some degree. The narcissist carries it too far, though, because even someone like me wants to know they have options. 😂
I totally get this .. this is me. And I think the narc actually resented me because he couldn’t use that form of deprivation against me. So in stead he’d say I’m not a real woman.. They will find a way to make you suffer.
True, me too, the day we married things changed, I think I was the saddest bride ever. I knew I’d made a mistake, I was treated differently from that day on. I stayed for decades, what a fool I was. 🤷♀️
Sadly true. Raised by a covert narc family member. Was told they didn't "know" how to give hugs or say they loved me because they weren't "used to it". They however were fine to tell me that they could "never do anything fun!" because the kids they chose to raise got in the way or did the kid thing about groaning when you went to a place that wasn't fun. The truth is we never got to do anything "fun" and if we did it was heavily controlled by the covert narc or we were told we coudln't afford it. On the rare occassions there was a hug it was during times of dumping problems onto us or just trying to make us feel bad because they were such a victim and did so wrongly. The hugs were heavy and unwelcoming. For a time it made me afraid to get hugs from people, and when I did accept hugs they felt so alien. I'm still not used to hugs and they are still fairly weird to me but I'm working on it. It's so weird to retrain myself to do basic things I should have just been given by default. Sadly the default caretaker I was given was horribly twisted. I've been watching these videos and reading comments because I finally feel heard and like I'm not crazy.
She tried to tell me what I wanted were not needs, as in physiological needs (food, water, shelter, etc.). You don't get married to live alone in a tent!
THIS explains a LOT 😢 Danish, you are the best 🌟 Even in a family where hugs could be somewhat routine, the abuse will cause a child or young adult to be vulnerable to any kindness, to act out to 'fix' this seriously damaging issue! I've been a massage therapist for 20 years, I had known about these things, but you draw it together with the issues of abuse, and it makes a world of sense out of so many aspects of this this damage. I know for people with attachment disorders, touch therapy can be healing, even sexual activity can heal even when it was not a good idea for them to do. I've enjoyed being in a profession where I know I can be healing people on levels I don't even understand while providing pain and stress relief as a massage therapist. In addition to going through this myself, which makes me willing, gifted, professional and intuitive in my work.
Been almost 2 months since I gave him his walking papers! Best thing I ever did for myself.He did all those behaviors Danish said.Short of getting out "NothingShip!" Best thing I ever did for myself!Thank you Danish for all of the excellent therapy!🙏
Probably why the creator gave the love tongue heart and touch to empaths. Knowing the pain they can experience. Healing touch is not needed by another. A healing touch is also a gift.
That is so true. My own tf husband rarely touched me & talked to me and neglected and ignored me for 5 years. And cheated on me with my own daughter his stepdaughter for 5 years secretly while we were together and married and he cheated with many other women for many years I recently found out and he raged daily at me and was violent to me secretly without anyone around and on our honeymoon. And he didn’t buy me an anniversary gift and forgot about it and on all holidays, he rages at me for wanting to celebrate all the holidays with him and our family. And he forgot my birthdays. And he was only severely mean daily to me but treated every one else in my family and my daughter and my own mother like he was in love with them and only respected them. And he never bought me gifts or took me on vacations and always avoided me. And he acts infront of his family and friends like we are so in love. But I never ever bonded with him. Bcs I sensed he was cheating on me and lying to me everyday. And I have more pains physically and emotionally and mentally and socially bcs of him. I have anxiety attacks b a of him. And I hope God punishes him for all he’s done to me and my daughter and all my family. I’m not bitter. Bcs I want to ascend and not ever get caught up in ego bitternesses, and unforgivenesses. I’m so glad I see him for what he is..,he’s a monster. 👹 A demonic monster of hate only for me. He always loved to see me suffer and he loved smirking like a demon when he saw me suffer bcs of him, and he even framed me illegally…thank god for my lawyer. He’s like the devil! Glad he’ll never be in my life after the divorce and such. Please keep making more content exposing these creatures and monsters for what they truly are and are NOT! Much light love namaste ❤ 😢😮😅😊🎉😂❤✨👁️🌟🪽🍋💔🥰❤️🩹🍎👹👶🏻🆙🕊️🕊️🪞🍋🧠🧠🧠🧠✨🙏✨
Once you understand what kind of 'people' they are,you don't WANT them to touch you!😬
Vry tru
Well, there's also that, once you no longer can see the problem as just being someone else's off day. 😂
Thk u
Thk u
Personally I don't trust people anymore. I rather be alone than risk another narcissist in my life.
Another reason the crumbs were everything in that insanity bond. So sad, traumatic, and dehumanizing
I literally felt my skin crawl, begging to be hugged, touched, leaned against ,something or anything! they would not let hugs linger, nor would we touch in restaurants ,in cars, chairs or couches. It’s unbearable until it becomes normal.
He made me feel so ugly and lonely. Thanks for this video.
That was the goal. Don't let them achieve it.
Me too!
This is what happened to me
FACTS!!!!!!
It's a horrible feeling. 😢
I completely agree!! A Narc purposely withholds touch affection, ofcourse when they want their needs met, they just grab you! Once the act is done, it's like "you feel like a burden". Every word in this video is true!!
My ex did this to me. 10 years. No intimacy before or after sex. Yes a robotic act. No hugs or caressing ever. I would explain many times what I needed. Without the sex. He would never acknowledge it. I never got it. My children bought me a massage for Mother’s Day one year ( they had no idea). I remember being face down as I got my massage and silently crying to myself bc it felt so good to be touched. That’s when I became very sad and tried to explain again to him the importance of it to me. I got nothing !!!! 2 years divorced, I don’t date. Not interested in anyone. Don’t see anyone that catches my interest. I am at peace. I love my alone time. I do go and get massages every so often. I’m ok 🙂
He moved on rather quickly……
Try not to have another partner unless you are 100% sure because it it is possible that you will end up with another narcissist. Your natural self defence mechanisms have been badly damaged. Get a cat or dog instead.
Once you tell them and they do not respond; you realize it is deliberate.
I suffered physical abuse from my narcissistic ex, but the emotional damage from touch starvation was by far the most painful. I wasn’t hugged by him for 4 years. It made me feel so inhuman and I specifically remember watching him love on the dog and feeling envious and so deeply hurt that I couldn’t have any affection at all. That was my breaking point. I left the next day and have not seen him for 2 years. When coming out of the relationship, I started making new friends and I would cry whenever they would hug me or say caring things to me. Just to feel human again is so fulfilling to my heart in this healing journey.
33 years I endured.
I am.jealous of the cats for the same reasons !
He wanted to be hugged, back rubs, etc., but never showed physical affection. I guess since my parents were such users, and I was told "love your enemy", I kept wasting my affection.
He was born cursed or something, never able to show caring or respect, but he sure talked as though he cared. Very lazy but his parents always made sure he had a job, but he screamed and complained loudly when he came home about how it was "slave work". Not that he was that polite.
If he was ever affectionate in any small way, he tried immediately to take it back, get his pound of flesh.
@@ΜΑΡΙΑΠΑΠΑΔΟΠΟΥΛΟΥ-π7ω hey at least the pets love giving affection to you, which are not faked
Me too with his dog who he never looked after unless someone he was trying to impress was looking. I loved thar dog and she was a big reason why I didn't leave sooner
Absolutely no touch hurt me a lot for so many years but after divorce I can’t thank God enough with the fact that God kept me untouched. Body stores memories and I don’t have a single stored memory. Blessed in disguise ❤
Narcs are so selfish they can’t even give something that’s free. Wouldn’t cost a penny to show some affection but that’s too much for them to do.
They are Devils ...what good to expect from them ?
They want to have all advantage and power at all times.
You are talking about they don't give something that comes for free...... I have experienced that they don't even want the love that we give them for free.
@@sarupav3095 They use people for supply but in their thinking if something is free then there must be a catch and they don’t want any obligations to return that love. This is such a warped way of thinking. They project their negative things onto us as if we think the same way. If I gave something to my sister that I knew she could use she would take it and not come around me or call for weeks or months till she needed something else. There was a pattern to it. And I stopped it when she started running her ex’s mother down for spending her money to buy clothing for the children after she went over and manipulated her by saying they needed those things. That mother-in-law had a heart of gold and was helping her so much. Bought her a used car, took money out of her savings, after her son divorced her to give her a car so she could go to work and make money. She’d come over to my house and complain about the scar being older etc after a couple years…something handed to her for free and still in good driveable condition. . Her husband always made sure she had a good car less than 3 or 4. Years old to drive.
They are to busy showing affection to strangers and people they don't know . The spouse is main supply they take all there crap . The 2nd and third supply are queens
As a child, I knew something was off with narc parents when unlike other parents, they would never touch or hug me. In hind sight, I don't want to be touched by these monsters!
My parents would ignore me until they wanted something, then they were all over me.
Aw thats so mean. I hope you're OK xxx
Yep, that's my reason it's been 18 months since I told my mother I will consume feces sooner than I could kiss her old evil face! She's the most healthy 85 yo victim you could ever meet!
I knew what love felt like and how it makes you feel as well as not being loved and how it makes you feel so i agree I DON'T WANNA BE TOUCHED BY A NARC MONSTER the are like love/positive energy siphons that will literally suck the life out of you and drain you dry leaving you sad, mad , and angry because all you know how to do is love!
@@donnathedead7554 Absolutely
I love how you dive into topics that are missed by many therapists. God has blessed you with not just an extensive understanding but also a profound compassion.
Thank you
I pray for all of your healing!!
True. When I got pregnant with our only son,the exhusband narc withheld touch and any form of attention towards me. He also would call me from work days after I gave birth via C section to ask me if my fat ass got on the treadmill yet ( 3 days after my surgery c-section !! ) and I wasn't even fat😢
I never felt so alone and neglected in my entire life!! And believe me when I say I have experienced neglect and abandonment in my childhood and teenage years, yet nothing compared to being married and living with a narcissist. I pray everyone heals from any form of abuse from these evil people who only destroy, steal and kill you, just like the enemy does to the human race. Blessings to all❤
I ❤ and appreciate this channel, thank you.
LITERALLY WHAT IVE TOLD THE NARCISSIST A WEEK AGO! THAT I FEEL LIKE THOSE PEOPLE IN PRISON THAT THEY PUNISH THEM WITH NO HUMAN TOUCH. IT CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS. THEY ARE RUTHLESS!
You don't need to yell. Please switch the caps down.
Your frustration is under standable
Can you leave?
@@vaska1999 I wasn't yelling 😐
@@mehs778 I did
OMG this is soooo true I felt this in my soul!!!!!!! (tears) 😞
I remember suffering from this when I was married to the narc. He was void of natural affection. Of course he wanted all the attention on himself but he had no desire to show me love
Touch starvation and skin hunger. I had never heard these terms before this video, but I can certainly relate. It explains much of my sadness during and after narcissist exposure. It is a very enlightening video. I sure appreciate you, Danish, and all your excellent teaching!
Goodness gracious me 😢this is like a double whammy video OMG sooo true for those not having touch from Primary Care Givers and then again later on in life. Then you suffer twice over since you are denied it again, then you push people away after the trauma and break up. Thank you for opening the door and letting light in on this situation. Your work is very much appreciated.😊❤
Yes yes 😥
Same experience, I was so depressed, lonely , that time, almost 4 years this happen to me.
Now Im with a good human being ,😊😊😊😊😊
my sons father made me feel disgusting unless he wanted something from me. thank you for the work you're doing here
Literally my life right now!! 😞
I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to be hugged by a good person after years of narcissistic abuse. I don’t want the narcissist to touch me but I am starving for physical affection.
Leave the narc and find that good person for the rest of your life 👍
Me too❤
When u have a child, u can't even imagine for second relationship. Being a mother even if I wish to enter into second relationship I cannot because I have a fear that what if that person abuse my daughter
I’m an extreme hugger. I wish I could hug you all ❤
@@CaramelCali aw hugs❤
If you have to beg or chase for affection, intimacy, interaction or attention its a one sided situation. Its more about power and control that is devoid of mutual love. Robotic obligatory resentful intimacy is not genuinely authentic and not a substitute for real connection. Its unhealthy & toxic.
You nailed it again! Touch is my primary love language, and my narc-ex used this starvation to control me and tear me apart, just as you said. Thanks for laying it out this way; it helps to understand what happened.
Yes! I appreciate Danish to expose their evil ways! DBD was EXACTLY like this to me!
Same here. And another tactic he would use to make me feel even more devalued was that he would warmly embrace all of his female co-workers and friends in front of me but he would never allow them to ever see him giving me any kind of affection. Truly manipulative and sick. They are fake to the core.
Its heartbreakingly sad how they physically and emotionally starve you. Trying to provoke you to bend over backwards to please or appease is appalling. If you're in this situation please don't pretzel yourself for mere crumbs of affection or acknowledgement.
You can regain your power by reconnecting with yourself 💙
Love yourself more by giving yourself what they are unable to give you. Shift your focus to giving yourself the words of encouragement, acknowledgement and compliments. Do nice thoughtful things for yourself that make you feel good, balanced and at peace. Buy yourself flowers, make a cup of tea or java, prepare a meal that you enjoy, buy yourself a treat, listen to your favorite tunes or read a good book 😘
@@lalani888ARTblue
Triangulation is devastatingly painful and torturous
Yep, Yep, and Yep!
I actually had no idea what this was until I started having dreams where I was laying next to somebody, skin to skin. I thought to myself: "That's an odd dream!" But I think the brain goes into cope mode when things in your life are wrong or broken.
Things in my marriage went so sideways that these dreams were recurring quite frequently. Then I looked up this skin issue I was having. Skin hunger came up in my searches and I explored the issue further.
I actually found a cuddle club on Meetup and went to a couple of events. They were supportive there at the group but I felt like I was cheating on my spouse. But, the couple of times I went gave me the skin nourishment I needed to carry on for two years longer in my toxic marriage until I finally divorced her.
Wow,a cuddle club??!! That's awesome
Omg! I remember very clearly my ex narc not cuddling with me at night he would turn his back to me. When I was going through cancer treatment and trying to get over finding out he had been cheating the entire relationship,I asked for more hugs throughout the day,he turned my request into an just about hour long argument with me in tears. He didn't care
So damn true, unfortunately. My narc mom never said she loved me and never touched me affectionately. My narc ex-husband was the same, and my narc son never gave hugs.
Definitely have lived a life of skin hunger; it is positively painful.
Same here. I do love pets, but am allergic
@@wms72 there are pets with no fur, apparently there are also dry foods for pets that help them not produce the stuff in their body that triggers allergy in people. Got that info from a short about raising chicken with cats
Same story, narc monster mom, ex and daughter narc sociopath.... I can not breath of emotional pain.
I got a dog after devorce. It was the most loving being in the entire world. He lef me after fourteen years. This point of life is hard to explain....
This is LITERALLY the MOST VALIDATING description of my experience that I have EVER heard. THANK YOU for creating this video. This brought me so much comfort. It undid a lot of the shame that I've had built up inside of me. THANK YOU.
When my husband gave me the silent treatment, he did that to our children too. I succeeded taking their attention away from him when they were young. He gaslighted my son a lot - as a teenager, and now as an adult, too. Once he didn't even hug me for 2-3 years. I told my adult daughter that I hadn't been hugged for so long - now she hugs me every time she sees me. I love my children.
Edit: He abused me for 42 years of our marriage. I left him almost 4 months ago.
Thank you for this video.
i had same treatment.its cruel and calculated.47 years of wasted hugs.i am a year free of the monster i married.i am healing slowly and appreciate channels like this.i thought because i had switched off to him.that it was me.i got so down with this .the mind games ect.one day i just thought.i am going no where with this.just existing on crumbs from his table.he physically attaked me so i called the police.they removed him and i have not seen him since.......rock on baby.good riddence to bad rubbish!
Good luck on your new journey 🌸💗
I broke down the first two minutes of this.
I can’t even listen to it now; it is so painful.
You have such insight to the actual trauma.
Maybe I can return and listen at a later date.
Both of my parents were narcs. As an adult I don't know how to receive and give hugs. Over the years my awkwardness has disappeared. As a child I loved to go out on warm windy days. The winds buffering my skin felt like hugs and physical affection.
i would go somewhere, like a grassy hill and sit for hours feeling the sensations on my skin and body.
As an adult i crave it (physical affection).
I was the same, and started to figure it out, but as an adult, marriage to another narcissist put me back in a similar spot. This time I could see the problem as the deliberate withdrawal from affection that it was, because there was a before and after. With my family, growing up that way made it seem more like a norm until I was old enough to contrast their behaviors with those of healthier families I knew.
Danish did you reply "Lucky fan" below? Or is it an impersonator?
I think they are impersonating Danish.
This was a big issue for me. My love language is physical touch too. It really was a problem for me. Fortunately, I found a wonderful man who loves touch too!
@@caroleminke6116 it is never too late, but as I always say, better to be alone than be abused! I was 55 and he was 65 when we got together.
@@caroleminke6116 No you are not. Please do try to find someone who genuinely loves you🥰
Yes I was starved of any physical or emotional needs ...very lonely 5 years , now he is trying to get me back but I am staying strong..😢
My mother is a narcissist and she has never hugged me, she never hold me, caressed me or something like that. Never. She never told me she loved me even when I cried or something. She said. She did not do that in order not to soul me. But for me this is just an excuse. I had never felt that I had a mother. Now she tells me, - I am your mother. ..... No dirty. I have never felt you as a mother in my entire life. Recently I found out she is a narcissist and this explains it all. I have no more contact with her....
First time I got a hug from my step sister in my 30's and I kinda did not know how to react.
Same here
My mom is a narcissist and my stepdad was (is) paranoid schizophrenic. My childhood was extremely bizarre. My mom never hugged me. Never said she loved me. He would but then he'd hit me, hit my mom etc. I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist for 17 years the last 8 of which we didn't even hold hands let alone anything else. It has really fucked me up. When people touch me now I don't know how to react. I freeze because it's so foreign to me. So now I've just isolated, extremely. Which I realize isn't healthy but people just scare me. Always.
This type of treatment is purely evil. To think I took 13 years of this BS! Thank you for making these videos to help so many.
Update: does anyone else have an adult child that treats you the exact way your now ex narc treats you? To me, this is the most pain out of this
I took 28 years of narc parents, a childhood narc frenemy, a narc brother, school mates, a ex and now I’m alone. I’d rather die alone at this point. I don’t have love or faith in humanity. I just want to make a live action movie about my life and then get off this planet a legend smh 🤦🏻♀️
This is so true. My ex-narc-wife withheld sex and intimacy to such an extreme that we only had intercourse twice in the 5 years after our son was born. The divorce occurred soon after the 5 year mark after our son was born. This was one of her methods that she used to totally control me and our relationship.
In situations like these, where health complications aren't an issue, its no surprise that infidelity may occur. People need connection to thrive
I’m glad u r out of that & hope that you have been able to find support around you to stay strong💫🕊💞
I'm very impressed that this topic was even "a thing"
Because I experienced the exact same thing. I noticed what was happening but I couldn't bring myself to beg for affection. I kicked them out my life not very long after.
I lost count as to how many nights I cried myself to sleep because when I did finally get that physical intimacy he would fall asleep. I wish I would've known a lot of this information 30 years ago. It might've saved me a whole lot of damage. The more I learn from these videos, the more I learn I was a narcissist magnet from childhood. Better late than never though.
Yes. I always cried, too. I felt used, not loved.
Wow... this triggered so much inside of me. Only it wasnt a partner it was my mother. She only hugged me after she deliberately hurt me and it played such a damaging role in my life that I hate effection today. Especially when visiting her with my husband, i dont want to be touched even by him around her. Just today she ripped my heart out as i held back crying with what she did and knew she was hurting me in doing it then she hugged me and kissed my cheek adding "i love my daughter" and i tensed up and didnt speak. I was so uncomfortable and just felt so unimportant, unwanted and rejected and yet shes hugging me.. its so real how emotionally unsettling it is. Around her and my brother I hate life. I am so unhappy and depressed. Im not allowed my feelings and they always attack me with the one and only bad thing that has ever happened to me, they make me relive it. I am emotionally attached to my husband but I want to be alone and untouched while we go to my parent's house and i couldn't understand it until now
Thank you danish
1000% true. Absolutely! I couldn't make sense of it all. She literaly pused me away, when I wanted to hug or kiss her. I was called selfish, just for wanting to hug her in the morning before leaving for work.
It got to the point, that I am so deprived of love, that I started harming myself. All you say here is soooooo true, and it was unbelievably hurtful.
Can’t stop crying since hearing this podcast…. Story of my life. When I use to beg him for a hug, he use to beat me blue and black…. And yet had and continues to have multiple affairs and one night stands… lives apart and is a monster ensuring I have no one not even a friend or anyone in physical form to even speak to or hug…. Sadly he was the only person in my life.,, never even dated anyone due to my narc orthodox parents who never bothered what I go through … perhaps someone will hug me when I am on the other side of the realm
@jbrown2908 The narc may be using financial control to maintain dominance even though they live apart. This is usually true, especially when there's kids in the mix. I know because I've lived the situation this person is describing. My narc ex has also stalked me, ran off friends, hacked social media, etc despite being divorced for 10yrs. Police have only minimally intervened. This may be this person's issue too & the advice you doled out with good intention just comes off as shaming and condescending. If it was that simple, this person would've already done so. People need empathy way more than advice.
@purelight8791 - I'm in a similar situation and I also often feel like these problems won't be resolved in this life. There's a helplessness there that turns into resigned apathy that sometimes tips even further into looking forward to the end of such a bleak life. When I hit that low of a low, I like to go to the animal shelter and just play with the dogs and kitties. Their touch is the only genuine and authentic touch I've ever had ♥️. A plus is since the animals are at the shelter, none of my psycho family or narc ex can kill them (has happened unfortunately). Anyway, I hope you can find a bit of sunshine just for you that can't be stolen ❤. Hugs!
@@shannonchristian4192 true… I stand to lose my home if I file divorce as he gets take half. He made sure I lost my job due to autoimmune issues before he left. Still have 2 autistic children to look after whom he abandoned even before they were born… and worst part is the legal system will still give him custody rights if i divorce that he will further abuse to torture my children and me. Even contemplated giving up citizenship and move elsewhere but system doesn’t permit to relinquish on behalf of children …. Whilst apart still hacks and stalks … abuse worsens after they physically live apart
I craved hugs from my narc parents, sister, uncles, grandparents but never got. Later on I didn't want them to even touch me. When I had my daughter I loved her so much and hugged her like crazy. Now she is 12 and doesn't like to be hugged. Nor does she hug me. I am starved for physical touch. Thank you for bringing this topic up and informing about help on UA-cam
Try side hugs and conversations from the same angle. Kids that age are doing their job in trying to manage greater independence from parents, but they also really do need occasional affection from them, whether they know it or not. 🥰
@xDanishBashir01-tt4zg thank you but why am I a lucky fan?
@@cc1k435 thank you for that
@Manike-ub2nw It's a scammer.
Beware of emotional enmeshment with your children which is another topic. Healthy hugs is one thing but over reliance on children filling your emotional needs is another.
Hugs provide oxytocin as does breast feeding, looking for healthy ways to increase oxytocin outside of your connection to your children is highly beneficial. Best friend hugs are awesome too 😘
It's astounding how many different facets there are to the damage caused by narcissistic treatment. Neither of my parents displayed any physical affection (or verbal to me) to my sister or I. Their explanation was it was 'dirty', wrong and of course 'germs.' I still cannot stand being touched or even being close to other people due to it being drilled into my head that physical displays of affection was BAD. I obviously know better now - 60+ years later but I cannot shake the negative connotations I was conditioned to since infancy. A complete shame, lonely waste of life:'(
That's so true. Narcs completely mess with their victim's wiring, and while the narc is the insane one, the victim is the one that ends up questioning one's sanity.
you CAN reverse this but it takes work. just like if a parent or whoever tells the kid, "you are bad" or "you are stupid" it can be reversed. reprogramming the brain, it does work. whatever the negative belief is, you persistently now reverse that thought, if someone said that "you are bad", affirm your goodness, if they said, "you are stupid" affirm your brilliance and so on. read books by Joseph Murphy "Power of your Subconscious Mind" or even Bob Proctor on youtube, it's hard but you are meant to overcome challenges, God is in you as your Soul and is all powerful but we have our part to do, God will help you. DO NOT LET THE EVIL ONES WIN!
I don't question my sanity because even as a very young child i recognized things weren't right in our family dynamic. And I definitely know what typical 'normal' affectionate behavior looks like and should be. But despite knowing better I am still uncomfortable in situations that may cause physical closeness even as simple as a hug. I didn't realize until fairly recently that this is likely why I've been a loner my entire life and am now also a hermit, literally do not have one single, real-life human friend. Any socializing is done online with random people here and there such as in this chat right now. I am grateful to finally understand what's caused these pervasive, uncomfortable feelings but sorry to hear so many others are also suffering similarly. It's a constant inner struggle wanting to be social and have companionship but too awkward and socially stunted to interact normally.
@@sineriafrankenstein7316🧡🧡🧡
Thank you for validating my pain. I needed it badly. I thought I was evil for being jealous of his dog for the physical affection he got while I got none at all. I want to cry my heart out.
When I saw my best friend's father hug her, I thought something weird was going on. We never got hugs or "I love you" Sad but true. 😢
🎯💯They crushed your pure soul 😢
It's so strange how narcs use the same formula. Did Satan give them all the same playbook? Thank you so much Danish for discussing this with us, it's hugely validating hence healing.
I was wondering the same! 😂
You truly are the best recovery coach. I’ve been researching this since 2012 , first time I had something coming from a psychiatrist who met him , when I suffered a burnout . You have truly been chosen to be used by God and given this gift to teach so many around the world. I am building a restoration project for victims and you are at the top of my resource list . 🙏❤️ it’s very sad for them. I have had a good self worth though through it all.
I took advantage of growing myself in many ways and the Lord was my comfort , my husband. You described my 40 yr marriage exactly . 3 children and 5 yrs apart .
Only recently found out that I married a narcissist, I thought he suffered from depression but clearly he’s a narcissist, I have been married 19years and he has destroyed me, I didn’t know who I was anymore I’m only just finding myself again thanks to Danish and people in the comments, i can’t leave because I depend on him financially as he took all my independence away from me so I am trapped in his cage, but now I understand how it all works I am dealing with it my way, I thought it was me all this time that was the problem I have been blaming myself for his failures, the robotic sex the no intimacy it all makes sense, now I can stop blaming myself for his wrongdoings, he self pleasures himself and watches porn in the night and all the time he made me feel like I was rubbish at sex and inadequate, I am 61 and he’s 55 I blamed the age gap between us but now realise it’s him that’s the problem not me. Thanks to Danish and everyone in the comments I am learning a lot.
Get help.
Make a plan.
Leave.
Mine got me "accidentally" pregnant on his birthday and then basically didn't touch me for 8 months until i was having my thrid emergency C-section and he had an audience and kissed me on my forehead and i cried and realized in that instant he had not held my hand nor touched me, nor rubbed my shoulder, hugged me,nor kissed me or anything in like 8 months and he only did it for looks. They thought I was scared and cried because of that and yet it was so much worse and prayed I would be ok because of not he would not show our baby enough love and kindness. That's when it started to all become more evident and undeniable...
They leave you love starved. They dont love you and treat you like less than because of their own insecurities. Its the opposite of love.
Omg thank you for sharing this! I was married to a narcissist! Went through this for years! Always thought it was me! Thought I was too fat or too ugly! Watching this made me cry!
They make you feel,like it’s you, their happy when your miserable, well my narcissist was.
You described my entire marriage. I hate that he makes me feel so lonely then f**ks me like a robot & gets mad when I don't enjoy it. I want a divorce so bad but then my kids & I will be homeless. I can't afford anything on my own.
Get help.
Make a plan.
Leave.
He withheld affection because he wanted me to feel ugly and less than when he was ugly on the inside and outside. In a loving relationship, everybody should be showered with love affection and warmth.
My narc almost killed me when I asked him to massage my back. He pushed me down hard on the bed that although my head is turned to the side exposing my nose,I could still not breath from too much pressure on my lungs. I prayed "God I leave my children and everything to you whatever will happen to me today" and then I layed limp. The narc must have been scared that I could really have died, he released his hands from my back and then I was able to breath.
It's a relief to have this phenomenon named and validated. The hunger is like an itch that never gets scratch. Affection from others then makes you recoil 😢
Thanks Danish! That's my whole life!!!😢 I was starved of physical touch. Now all I long for is to be hugged and held safely by Jesus ❤
I don't like being touched after all my abuse. Anyone else?
They make good things triggers. I don't like even to hear "I love you" from anyone other than my kids because it makes me feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated.
I dont like it too ,it went so bad that it was pure rage and force in all
May be you're narcissist
@@donnathedead7554 I'm so sorry 😞 I hope you get the healing you need to accept I love yous from others but it's also okay if you never get there. ❤️
@@fatpigsflybears I hope you find someone that makes you feel so safe you like it when they touch you.
This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I called her an "intimacy anorexic". It wasn't till recently I figured out she was vulnerable narcissist.
And those who might truly be intimacy anorexics now have a harder time of getting help!!
I began to feel repulsed by my, then, husband. I didn't understand why I felt that way. I thought there was something wrong with me without realizing until much later it was because of how he was treating me.
You're not alone! Hope you find better!
Yes I know
Thank you for explaining so well and then providing a solution.
I've been in many narcissistic relationships and they ALWAYS starve you.
I bought a house with one. He distanced and then stopped all intimact within a MONTH of moving in.
I asked what was wrong and he said it was stress. Despite us being 50 / 50 partners. We had no issues with money etc.
This lasted 2 years until he told me he was asexual 😢
I left the relationship and never looked back. It was the loneliest time of my life and it ruined my looks and health (weight gain)
I literally had tears in my eyes because this is exactly what I have gone through..starvation. Thank you Danish for your videos. I am learning a lot
Oh my goodness, you have described my experience so well. Thank you for being a blessing to many people and beng a angel to help with healing. Healing is essential and top priority to my survival. Thank God for you.
Each n every word u said is correct. Tears r rolling down while watching ur video. U know my condition more than anyone in this world. Thx a lot n God bless Danish
My grandmother who's mother was put into asylum for child abuse (late 1920s) learned so young to never expect physical love or comfort from people.
She would say "God didn't make men to comfort a woman, that's why He made cats. And God made dogs, that a man could have someone obey his every command without question. "
That hit hard. When I stopped allowing him I was accused of cheating and even thought he was sure of his accusations he won’t leave…I’m still in shock and don’t know how to get out even with the help with of therapy. I feel I’m going crazy 😔
My mom - yep. My entire childhood even now I still remember when I was really little the loving she was when I was like 3? - and I tried everything to get that mother back… it’s hard for me to accept even now that that’s not her.
She never breadcrumbed touch after she let go of her mask tho. All just throwing material things at me to try to pacify me. She wasn’t touchy or lovey previous to that either.
I didn’t know I needed touch intimacy until a friend - at college just randomly bear hugged me after class one day - and I sunk after being super tense like wtf- he didn’t let go even though I was tense which caused me to sink realizing touch was nice.
I did go crazy for touch after that- but unfortunately I wasn’t out of her house yet and she had kept me isolated from others so well - so I felt the touch starvation a LOT harder after that
I am just realizing how narcissistic my mom was. When I was young, I just thought she was just not affectionate and was too controlling or critical, but she said and did too many hurtful things. My dad was not affectionate either and worked a lot of overtime. To this day (I am in my 50s), I don't like people touching me. In years past when I went to church, I just cringed when the pastor would encourage people to hug several people around them. Some of us will always feel broken and alone. Also, I have always had very low self-esteem.
I thank God for this channel and everyone here who also shares their stories.
I withheld intimacy from my husband after he devalued me. The last thing I wanted was to have him touch me if he felt so bad about me. He called me a Covert Narc now I think maybe I am. Early in the relationship I use to give him all kinds of affection, and I remember him telling me his ex wife stopped having sex with him and he had to beg for sex. I promised him I would never deny him sex and he would throw it in my face every time I didn't want sex. I didn't withhold sex the whole 10 years of our marriage it was just the last year and a half. He made me feel so worthless and called me fat and disgusting and even told me my stomach looked like a watermelon stretch marks and all. That shattered me and I never wanted to be fully naked around him again. I didn't want to be intimate bc that was always in my head that I was not good enough.I started going to the gym and slimming down and he said are you going to get all smoking hot and leave me. I couldn't believe he said that to me. I said No. that's crazy my mind doesn't think like that. I was fit when we met and so was he, and his ex wife had gained weight and he always complained to me that she let herself go, and he loved that I wanted to take care of myself and be so girly and always do my hair and makeup and that she doesn't even try for him anymore. He was a truck driver and all through our marriage even if he said he was coming home at 3 am. I would have my make up and hair done just for him. I always wanted to look good for him. Last year it all changed when he kicked me out of the truck while we were in a fight at his parents house and I had to get an Uber back 2 hours away
Overall males overall have become conditioned to Narcissism.
To be the one with a harem.
So, I mean I stopped dating.
It's easier to have a pet for affection .
Your right
Here I am up shit creek and no where to live after New Years and I still won't make nice with a man.
Guess I'll just be single tho
@@angelakeely5859 my mother is also a narcissist. A park bench is healthier than this shit
Oh man spot on! I have been starving since marriage
Oh my goodness, that is exactly what happened to me. U described it exactly the way it happened to me. What on earth happens to people who act like this. When it happened to me I became despondent & just no longer cared about myself. I didn't know it was some kind of disorder. My relationship went on for 7 years. He slowly started withdrawing from me..... everything you said was exactly what happened to me...exactly....after 3 years he came back but did not stay. I was better off without him. I didn't clean my house. I didn't leave my house unless it was necessary. I didn't realize they (he) enjoyed to see me suffer. What on earth ever happened to someone to make them so warped. I M glad I M out of his grip. It was a one way trip to hell with no way to return. Thank-U for this education. I had no idea.
You are such a GODSEND, your therapy is literally explaining everything I didnt understand and saving my very life. Thank you Danish bless your empathic heart
I cried watching this video. You are describing my current marriage. His excuse for not showing any kind of affection is that he "doesn't like public displays of affection", but even in our home and even when the kids are gone, he still literally acts scared of me- like I come on "too aggressive" when all I'm doing is going to give him a hug. His other excuse is that he "cuddles" me all night. I do find myself laughing because our daughter doesn't like him cuddling with her. He gets so sad that she doesn't like affection from him, and he thinks I'm being "dramatic" when I say to him, "See, now you know how I feel, because you treat me the same way our daughter treats you." And he straight up denies that he does that to me. 🙄 I have been seriously contemplating divorce, because I don't get the physical attention I need from him. I'm tired of being in a loveless marriage, it feels more like a friendship. I'm not even 40 yet (still have a couple more years to go) and we haven't had actual sex in over 3 years I think. It's been too long, I've lost count.
Both my parents were narcissists, father grandiose and mother covert. To this day, I still recoil at physical touch due to decades of their physical abuse and withholding of physical affection. I have had to retrain myself and make a big effort to give my children physical affection so that the cycle does not continue ... but I do not naturally like to have anyone touching me or near me, unless it is an intimate sexual partner. For years, I kept sexual partners at an emotional distance as well ... purely physical and I moved on. I've also retrained myself not to do that. In her latter years, my covert narc mother would try to hug and kiss me, which literally made me almost vomit. I would push her away and get out of there as fast as I could. Same with her suddenly telling me "I love you" after 50 years of never doing so. My response was usually, "Yeah, right."
👍👍👍👍👍👍
@@sallybutler1005 Oh gosh, don't get me started on Xmas and Thanksgiving 🙄 Took me years, but I'm finally at the point where I don't attend any of them anymore. It was excruciating pretending to be nice to people who had no qualms about being nasty to me (behind closed doors) all of my life.
The further you stay away from them, the better person you become.
Have the guts to feed them their own medicine, and they understand their place.
You have to develop a stronger personality and be socially well connected.
The narcs' biggest fear is image in society, that can either build them or break them.
My narc husband withheld all intimacy from me sex dissapeared very early on and no physical touching after that .there was always a space between us..not even hand holding or sitting together..yet he was always touching and flirting with other women in front of me.I was so lonely..I would love someone to hug me and say something nice to me..but I would probably burst into tears..my soul is crushed by that monster.😢
Thank you Danish for your channel…it helps to know what was actually going on in our lives..it all makes sense now..at least we are validated
On our thinking and trying to work it all out why people were being so horrible to us..we are good pure hearted people who would not harm anyone and tell the truth always..people hate that..they love to live in their fantasy world that they make up to excuse their vile behaviour.
I would love to feel normal again and trust people..but for now I will stay single..
God bless you for your work..♥️♥️
Yes! Fully my experience. Thanks for putting it into words.
Your videos help me feel less alone
Made me make horrible decisions that ruined my life , mental health, and self esteem... this is the hardest work I have ever done...and I am so exhausted 😞. Thank you for your channel ❤
Just want to be held..... i almost lost my mind with those words.
Sir what ever you explained in this video is 1000% true.My narcissist husband made me suffer all these.
Thanks Danish for sharing the truth 😊❤️💙 helpful in healing and helping others Love Hugs and prayers to all of you who are healing 💙❤️😊🙏
Very little intimacy in 12 yrs..Done with demons
Wow Danish this one hit hard. You described my entire marriage to a narc. Thankfully i divorced him eventually after 15 yrs. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship now, never ever want to experience the hell of touch starvation in a relationship again. You are the only person who has truly understood the hell i have been through. Thank you for seeing me and helping me to see others have been thru the same.
Before I knew he was a narcissist, we were in marriage therapy. She asked us if anyone in the marriage felt lonely. The narcissist confidently said, “no” and my answer was “yes” This was interesting because the narcissist was bashing me that I withheld affection & sex from him, yet he didn’t feel lonely. Sex was the only form of affection I got and I was so lonely & the sex act itself became disgusting to me. Often I would cry when it was over.
Danish, mamma mia, thank you, what a good explanation!
A guy sometimes wants to see me (without ever talking about our "situationship", whether it is a friendship or something else), and sometimes disappears for a while. When he comes over and there are only the two of us unseen, while talking he gives me soft touches, which I never invited him to. I was perplexed, but lately I have come to realize it must be his tactics to condition women, arouse desire and then we know the rest of the story.
It wasn't until I would see my family or grandchildren once a year that I would feel the touch of a hug or kiss from anyone. I didn't want to let go. Was so sad when they left.
My ex was only interested in physical relationship nothing else.i started feeling he was using me for his happiness.
Our kids hate being touched. They went from demanding skin to skin touch when little, to hating anyone touching them. They’ll accept my hugs but they don’t want them.
I wish I knew what their father was a long time ago. The effects on them are the most heartbreaking.
I can relate to this. My narc female parent never touched me except to hit. And she even used objects, like a board, to hit me with so she could avoid touching. I think girls who grow up starved for a loving touch can easily be drawn into premature, unwise sexual relationships, just to obtain that touch.
Yes, I remember Minirth & Meyer, christian psychiatrists, saying that on tv in the 80's. Young girls promiscuous lifestyles can be a result of parents like that.
I think my superpower has always been my generally introverted personality, because it has probably protected me from this all my life to some degree. The narcissist carries it too far, though, because even someone like me wants to know they have options. 😂
I totally get this .. this is me. And I think the narc actually resented me because he couldn’t use that form of deprivation against me. So in stead he’d say I’m not a real woman.. They will find a way to make you suffer.
This is exactly how my narcissistic husband treated me. It was horrible from our wedding night on.
True, me too, the day we married things changed, I think I was the saddest bride ever. I knew I’d made a mistake, I was treated differently from that day on. I stayed for decades, what a fool I was. 🤷♀️
mine started on our wedding night too. it felt like a box had been checked. he went to bed and has been cruel ever since
Sadly true. Raised by a covert narc family member. Was told they didn't "know" how to give hugs or say they loved me because they weren't "used to it". They however were fine to tell me that they could "never do anything fun!" because the kids they chose to raise got in the way or did the kid thing about groaning when you went to a place that wasn't fun. The truth is we never got to do anything "fun" and if we did it was heavily controlled by the covert narc or we were told we coudln't afford it. On the rare occassions there was a hug it was during times of dumping problems onto us or just trying to make us feel bad because they were such a victim and did so wrongly. The hugs were heavy and unwelcoming. For a time it made me afraid to get hugs from people, and when I did accept hugs they felt so alien. I'm still not used to hugs and they are still fairly weird to me but I'm working on it. It's so weird to retrain myself to do basic things I should have just been given by default. Sadly the default caretaker I was given was horribly twisted.
I've been watching these videos and reading comments because I finally feel heard and like I'm not crazy.
How are you able to be this accurate? You are unbelievably knowledgeable!
She tried to tell me what I wanted were not needs, as in physiological needs (food, water, shelter, etc.). You don't get married to live alone in a tent!
THIS explains a LOT 😢
Danish, you are the best 🌟
Even in a family where hugs could be somewhat routine, the abuse will cause a child or young adult to be vulnerable to any kindness, to act out to 'fix' this seriously damaging issue! I've been a massage therapist for 20 years, I had known about these things, but you draw it together with the issues of abuse, and it makes a world of sense out of so many aspects of this this damage.
I know for people with attachment disorders, touch therapy can be healing, even sexual activity can heal even when it was not a good idea for them to do. I've enjoyed being in a profession where I know I can be healing people on levels I don't even understand while providing pain and stress relief as a massage therapist. In addition to going through this myself, which makes me willing, gifted, professional and intuitive in my work.
Been almost 2 months since I gave him his walking papers! Best thing I ever did for myself.He did all those behaviors Danish said.Short of getting out "NothingShip!" Best thing I ever did for myself!Thank you Danish for all of the excellent therapy!🙏
Probably why the creator gave the love tongue heart and touch to empaths. Knowing the pain they can experience. Healing touch is not needed by another. A healing touch is also a gift.
That is so true. My own tf husband rarely touched me & talked to me and neglected and ignored me for 5 years. And cheated on me with my own daughter his stepdaughter for 5 years secretly while we were together and married and he cheated with many other women for many years I recently found out and he raged daily at me and was violent to me secretly without anyone around and on our honeymoon. And he didn’t buy me an anniversary gift and forgot about it and on all holidays, he rages at me for wanting to celebrate all the holidays with him and our family. And he forgot my birthdays. And he was only severely mean daily to me but treated every one else in my family and my daughter and my own mother like he was in love with them and only respected them. And he never bought me gifts or took me on vacations and always avoided me. And he acts infront of his family and friends like we are so in love. But I never ever bonded with him. Bcs I sensed he was cheating on me and lying to me everyday. And I have more pains physically and emotionally and mentally and socially bcs of him. I have anxiety attacks b a of him. And I hope God punishes him for all he’s done to me and my daughter and all my family. I’m not bitter. Bcs I want to ascend and not ever get caught up in ego bitternesses, and unforgivenesses.
I’m so glad I see him for what he is..,he’s a monster. 👹 A demonic monster of hate only for me.
He always loved to see me suffer and he loved smirking like a demon when he saw me suffer bcs of him, and he even framed me illegally…thank god for my lawyer.
He’s like the devil!
Glad he’ll never be in my life after the divorce and such.
Please keep making more content exposing these creatures and monsters for what they truly are and are NOT!
Much light love namaste ❤ 😢😮😅😊🎉😂❤✨👁️🌟🪽🍋💔🥰❤️🩹🍎👹👶🏻🆙🕊️🕊️🪞🍋🧠🧠🧠🧠✨🙏✨