I didn't get love from my biological mother because she was not allowed to bond with me before giving me up. My biological father left while she was pregnant leaving her feeling unloved. My adoptive mother had a neglectful childhood and was emotionally unavailable. My adoptive father was loving but was so busy doing a job he hated to provide for our family that he was too tired to love us demonstratively. I learnt to be a people pleaser to get love. I also learnt that being ill got me nurturing attention because my adoptive Mother was a nurse. I feel desperate for love and am too clingy in intimate relationships or don't know how to react to love and push it away. I find it very frustrating. Thank you for your video and a change to open up.
This is exactly what I'm working on in therapy. So, no, my needs around feeling loved and being validated were not met in childhood. I've been codependent with people in my life for years and I'm now recovering from that. I also learned as a child to make myself very small at every age, to the point of feeling like a ghost. Thank God I'm in therapy. Your videos are so helpful and clear and validating. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
Today is my birthday, the 24th one I have spent alone since my ex abandoned me when I was 43. All I saw as I went on a bus ride were couples or families - not one person had eye contact with me so yes, my conclusion after being alone so many years is that I am indeed unlovable.
No you are not! Check out SGI-USA.com & contact closest cultural center for information on your local discussion meeting….chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo has really helped me feel great….& ive met a lot of new friends!
Nope, wasn’t shown any love, not that I’m slating my parents as they just a product of what received as the cycle rolls… it caused me to constantly seek validation from others which made me bait for narcissists and other toxic people. I’m trying to heal myself best way I can through educating myself which can have its own pitfalls.
@@maxthemouse1 At least we are aware and we are healing ❤️🩹 that’s all we can do, the past is the past it’s now about learning & growing to be the best versions of us xx
I was neglected and rejected. The only time I was visible was when I was silent and looked happy. So I became silent- I hardly spoke until I became 27 years old and had a breakdown. (I was also very good in school)
No, I didn't get my care love needs to meet as a child, so I searched for validation from outside sources all my life , especially from the opposite sex.Which or course wasn't sustainable. So it's taken me 60 plus years to discover finally what seld love is . Thank you for confirming because sometimes it can be a confusing journey ❤
Not at all and unfortunately it ended up in a chronic depression and being unable to like and love myself,…! I have no idea how it is possible to do that! 🤷🏻♀️ But thank you, I think your tip is a good one, although it needs lots of practice!
We should create a support group here! There are way too many of us that have been through this feeling alienated! My mother made sure I knew that everything about me was wrong and needed to be changed, that I wasn’t lovable and that every time someone would compliment me I had to understand that the person was lying….. so we can all guess how I turned out!
Thanks very much for this Alex. It Resonates so deeply with me. I think my mother feared emotions having been brought up as a strict 4:30 Methodist with her own emotions having been suppressed. Although I was sensitive and picked up other’s emotions very easily,I was also very healthy, sociable, mischievous and lively as a child. My mother couldn’t demonstrate affection and I wasn’t hugged by her until she was about 88 years old! I was the middle child of three and I quickly learnt that it was wrong to express emotions. My mother was also a perfectionist and had very high standards particularly in education. She was quite dominant. I adopted the Messages I grew up with. She believed that all illness could disappear if you ignored it and pushed on! At 13 or 14, I remember making a conscious decision to suppress who I was in order to please her and, I guess, to earn her love. This pattern of pleasing, helping and perfectionism carried on into my adult life. In my late 20s I was told I had probable M.S about which my mother went into denial. 10 years later, the diagnosis was changed to M.E. Not knowing any of that way, I pushed through it, and eventually my body collapsed. I ended up in hospital and then bedbound. I realise that it was because my unexpressed emotions had to come out somewhere and where else but the body? I have done quite a lot of therapeutic work, but still haven’t managed to change my patterns of behaviour or recover from M.E I have just started your RESET programme, Alex and know that, with commitment and patience etc, this will really help me. Although I realise it’s probably too late to regain my physical health after 40 years of being ill, if I gain inner peace and can learn to love myself then this will be more than enough for me. Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us all. You are amazing, as is the Optimum Health Clinic. My thoughts are often with all those who face similar struggles. 🙏 .
Racism teaches you every day that you're unlovable, no matter how lovely your parents are! Yet when you say this, you get the eye roll and "oh, there you go - using the R card again" 😅 Still 💯 agree that conditional parental love teaches a child that they aren't worthy without ticking all the boxes to receive love. Thanks for raising important issues Alex. Love these new thought provoking sound bites 😊
@@alwayshoping125 That's for sure and the class war is totally rife the more entitled and fearful the privileged become! Outside of the complexities of families and parenting, guess there are so many factors that determine whether we feel lovable. Discrimination of any kind can be so draining, but you are right to highlight classism! Especially during this cost of living crisis. Thanks for your reply 😊 It would be great to know Alex's thoughts on how to cope with the current political climate. Guess most psychology focuses on "inner work". Hopefully in time it will reflect more closely external factors that can really shape our everyday experiences, even if our parents are vital in how we see ourselves and the 🌍 🥰
My comment is the same as Salshealing… exactly. Always seeking validation from others. Married to a narcissist. In a bad way currently as I’m trying to break free of his control and he hates it and life is tough right now. My confidence is growing but I’m scared a lot of the time. My family can’t understand why I’ve changed and becoming more assertive. Will I end up alone and lonely?
No sadly did not get the love as my parents were so codependent of each other we had to view violence and live in a constant state of fear and fight or flight mode ..I became the clown to calm my father ..to stop him being violent to my mother ..for a short time at least .they we not very evolved sadly ,
Thanks very much for this Alex. It Resonates so deeply with me. I think my mother feared emotions having been brought up as a strict 4:30 Methodist with her own emotions having been suppressed. Although I was sensitive and picked up other’s emotions very easily,I was also very healthy, sociable, mischievous and lively as a child. My mother couldn’t demonstrate affection and I wasn’t hugged by her until she was about 88 years old! I was the middle child of three and I quickly learnt that it was wrong to express emotions. My mother was also a perfectionist and had very high standards particularly in education. She was quite dominant. I adopted the Messages I grew up with. She believed that all illness could disappear if you ignored it and pushed on! At 13 or 14, I remember making a conscious decision to suppress who I was in order to please her and, I guess, to earn her love. This pattern of pleasing, helping and perfectionism carried on into my adult life. In my late 20s I was told I had probable M.S about which my mother went into denial. 10 years later, the diagnosis was changed to M.E. Not knowing any of that way, I pushed through it, and eventually my body collapsed. I ended up in hospital and then bedbound. I realise that it was because my unexpressed emotions had to come out somewhere and where else but the body? I have done quite a lot of therapeutic work, but still haven’t managed to change my patterns of behaviour or recover from M.E I have just started your RESET programme, Alex and know that, with commitment and patience etc, this will really help me. Although I realise it’s probably too late to regain my physical health after 40 years of being ill, if I gain inner peace and can learn to love myself then this will be more than enough for me. Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us all. You are amazing, as is the Optimum Health Clinic. My thoughts are often with all those who face similar struggles. 🙏 .
Jill a lot of what you talk about resonates, not the details but the things like conscious decision to repress emotions etc. I just wanted to share I've had M.E since 1993, 13 years before a diagnosis was confirmed, in which time I now realise I'd gone into stage 2 or recovery but Kept running my pushing, perfecting, pleasing, peacekeeping patterns without getting the full rest I needed in stage 1. Desperate to get back to college. I've done the Reset program and The Heart Program. And it has turned everything around for me. I'm currently in stage 3, learning to love myself, and take care of myself and starting to feel signs of peace in my body for the first time in 53 years. I believe you can do this too, as Alex says Go gently and be proud.
Did you get your need for love met in childhood? And if you didn’t what did you learn to do in an attempt to earn that love?
To be responsible...too much .
I didn't get love from my biological mother because she was not allowed to bond with me before giving me up. My biological father left while she was pregnant leaving her feeling unloved. My adoptive mother had a neglectful childhood and was emotionally unavailable. My adoptive father was loving but was so busy doing a job he hated to provide for our family that he was too tired to love us demonstratively. I learnt to be a people pleaser to get love. I also learnt that being ill got me nurturing attention because my adoptive Mother was a nurse. I feel desperate for love and am too clingy in intimate relationships or don't know how to react to love and push it away. I find it very frustrating. Thank you for your video and a change to open up.
This is exactly what I'm working on in therapy. So, no, my needs around feeling loved and being validated were not met in childhood. I've been codependent with people in my life for years and I'm now recovering from that. I also learned as a child to make myself very small at every age, to the point of feeling like a ghost. Thank God I'm in therapy. Your videos are so helpful and clear and validating. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
Today is my birthday, the 24th one I have spent alone since my ex abandoned me when I was 43. All I saw as I went on a bus ride were couples or families - not one person had eye contact with me so yes, my conclusion after being alone so many years is that I am indeed unlovable.
No you are not! Check out SGI-USA.com & contact closest cultural center for information on your local discussion meeting….chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo has really helped me feel great….& ive met a lot of new friends!
Nope, wasn’t shown any love, not that I’m slating my parents as they just a product of what received as the cycle rolls… it caused me to constantly seek validation from others which made me bait for narcissists and other toxic people. I’m trying to heal myself best way I can through educating myself which can have its own pitfalls.
Sounds familiar. Blessings.
Same story with me 😞
@@maxthemouse1 At least we are aware and we are healing ❤️🩹 that’s all we can do, the past is the past it’s now about learning & growing to be the best versions of us xx
@@Salsaseren so true xx
I was neglected and rejected. The only time I was visible was when I was silent and looked happy. So I became silent- I hardly spoke until I became 27 years old and had a breakdown. (I was also very good in school)
No, I didn't get my care love needs to meet as a child, so I searched for validation from outside sources all my life , especially from the opposite sex.Which or course wasn't sustainable. So it's taken me 60 plus years to discover finally what seld love is . Thank you for confirming because sometimes it can be a confusing journey ❤
Not at all and unfortunately it ended up in a chronic depression and being unable to like and love myself,…!
I have no idea how it is possible to do that! 🤷🏻♀️
But thank you, I think your tip is a good one, although it needs lots of practice!
I understand. Blessings.
We should create a support group here! There are way too many of us that have been through this feeling alienated!
My mother made sure I knew that everything about me was wrong and needed to be changed, that I wasn’t lovable and that every time someone would compliment me I had to understand that the person was lying….. so we can all guess how I turned out!
Thanks very much for this Alex. It Resonates so deeply with me. I think my mother feared emotions having been brought up as a strict 4:30 Methodist with her own emotions having been suppressed. Although I was sensitive and picked up other’s emotions very easily,I was also very healthy, sociable, mischievous and lively as a child. My mother couldn’t demonstrate affection and I wasn’t hugged by her until she was about 88 years old! I was the middle child of three and I quickly learnt that it was wrong to express emotions. My mother was also a perfectionist and had very high standards particularly in education. She was quite dominant. I adopted the Messages I grew up with. She believed that all illness could disappear if you ignored it and pushed on!
At 13 or 14, I remember making a conscious decision to suppress who I was in order to please her and, I guess, to earn her love. This pattern of pleasing, helping and perfectionism carried on into my adult life. In my late 20s I was told I had probable M.S about which my mother went into denial. 10 years later, the diagnosis was changed to M.E.
Not knowing any of that way, I pushed through it, and eventually my body collapsed. I ended up in hospital and then bedbound.
I realise that it was because my unexpressed emotions had to come out somewhere and where else but the body?
I have done quite a lot of therapeutic work, but still haven’t managed to change my patterns of behaviour or recover from M.E I have just started your RESET programme, Alex and know that, with commitment and patience etc, this will really help me.
Although I realise it’s probably too late to regain my physical health after 40 years of being ill, if I gain inner peace and can learn to love myself then this will be more than enough for me.
Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us all. You are amazing, as is the Optimum Health Clinic.
My thoughts are often with all those who face similar struggles.
🙏 .
Racism teaches you every day that you're unlovable, no matter how lovely your parents are! Yet when you say this, you get the eye roll and "oh, there you go - using the R card again" 😅 Still 💯 agree that conditional parental love teaches a child that they aren't worthy without ticking all the boxes to receive love. Thanks for raising important issues Alex. Love these new thought provoking sound bites 😊
Your social class also. Blessings.
@@alwayshoping125 That's for sure and the class war is totally rife the more entitled and fearful the privileged become! Outside of the complexities of families and parenting, guess there are so many factors that determine whether we feel lovable. Discrimination of any kind can be so draining, but you are right to highlight classism! Especially during this cost of living crisis. Thanks for your reply 😊 It would be great to know Alex's thoughts on how to cope with the current political climate. Guess most psychology focuses on "inner work". Hopefully in time it will reflect more closely external factors that can really shape our everyday experiences, even if our parents are vital in how we see ourselves and the 🌍 🥰
Hugs are healing.
I still suffer with this despite having had therapy for a year. I'm wondering if I will ever be free :(
right in the feels 🤛
My comment is the same as Salshealing… exactly. Always seeking validation from others. Married to a narcissist. In a bad way currently as I’m trying to break free of his control and he hates it and life is tough right now. My confidence is growing but I’m scared a lot of the time. My family can’t understand why I’ve changed and becoming more assertive. Will I end up alone and lonely?
Yes😢😢
No sadly did not get the love as my parents were so codependent of each other we had to view violence and live in a constant state of fear and fight or flight mode ..I became the clown to calm my father ..to stop him being violent to my mother ..for a short time at least .they we not very evolved sadly ,
Nope. People pleasing and perfectionism including needing to have all the answers.
Thanks very much for this Alex. It Resonates so deeply with me. I think my mother feared emotions having been brought up as a strict 4:30 Methodist with her own emotions having been suppressed. Although I was sensitive and picked up other’s emotions very easily,I was also very healthy, sociable, mischievous and lively as a child. My mother couldn’t demonstrate affection and I wasn’t hugged by her until she was about 88 years old! I was the middle child of three and I quickly learnt that it was wrong to express emotions. My mother was also a perfectionist and had very high standards particularly in education. She was quite dominant. I adopted the Messages I grew up with. She believed that all illness could disappear if you ignored it and pushed on!
At 13 or 14, I remember making a conscious decision to suppress who I was in order to please her and, I guess, to earn her love. This pattern of pleasing, helping and perfectionism carried on into my adult life. In my late 20s I was told I had probable M.S about which my mother went into denial. 10 years later, the diagnosis was changed to M.E.
Not knowing any of that way, I pushed through it, and eventually my body collapsed. I ended up in hospital and then bedbound.
I realise that it was because my unexpressed emotions had to come out somewhere and where else but the body?
I have done quite a lot of therapeutic work, but still haven’t managed to change my patterns of behaviour or recover from M.E I have just started your RESET programme, Alex and know that, with commitment and patience etc, this will really help me.
Although I realise it’s probably too late to regain my physical health after 40 years of being ill, if I gain inner peace and can learn to love myself then this will be more than enough for me.
Thank you so much for all the work you do to help us all. You are amazing, as is the Optimum Health Clinic.
My thoughts are often with all those who face similar struggles.
🙏 .
Jill a lot of what you talk about resonates, not the details but the things like conscious decision to repress emotions etc. I just wanted to share I've had M.E since 1993, 13 years before a diagnosis was confirmed, in which time I now realise I'd gone into stage 2 or recovery but Kept running my pushing, perfecting, pleasing, peacekeeping patterns without getting the full rest I needed in stage 1. Desperate to get back to college. I've done the Reset program and The Heart Program. And it has turned everything around for me. I'm currently in stage 3, learning to love myself, and take care of myself and starting to feel signs of peace in my body for the first time in 53 years. I believe you can do this too, as Alex says Go gently and be proud.