The book “Safe People” by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend is required reading for my therapy clients. It’s actually a book that we ALL should have read in middle school or high school. And yes, every single person needs to 1. Raise their self esteem and their self worth and 2. Vet every single person that we choose to be in our lives! Remember, relationships are a CHOICE! We CHOOSE these people to be in our lives especially and we need to take RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY for this. My mentor once told me “a person’s standards are only as high as their self esteem.” I never forgot that.💯
@@BetterLoveMovement/ 99.9% of ALL people are toxic with unresolved childhood wounds. Very few escape the trap of trauma & social conditioning associated with early childhood development. Is life nothing more than a projection of yourself upon others with intentions to work out some kind of subconscious agenda ?
@BetterLoveMovement / 99.9% of people are toxic ; no human being escapes the trauma & injustice of childhood, so life becomes nothing more than a projection upon others to induce an unconscious recreation of social conditioning & early childhood development.
@maryl.6087 it's been almost a year now , the worst pain I ever felt like life stopped, it triggered me so much and became super anxious and my emotions always swing from anger to sadness
@@Killer-ct4vt I feel you dude, I just suppressed my emotions for so long that I couldnt even recall when was the last time I cried then that exact thing happened and I just had a crisis. Lot of sadness then eventual anger when it felt like they were ignoring me on purpose, but keep pushing on it does get easier with the information you can learn here and you eventually just become happy with yourself.
When my avoidant ex returned, it was at my fav hangout place. I hadn't seen him in over a year and wanted to hug him. He talked to me for just a few seconds and then sat several feet away from me but still in eyesight to read a book. I realized the same hot and cold pattern existed and I was seeing it in real time. I checked in with him before we parted. He told me he was working and I told him I was in between jobs. The caring feelings were still between us, but I didn't want anymore pain from him after I'd gone into no contact and educated myself on avoidant attachment. My ex turned up one more time same place with a family member and I saw him briefly. It felt like the person with him was a buffer, that he didn't trust me, and I didn't like the feeling. My ex was in the men's room and as I waited with his family member a few seconds. My instincts said just to leave before he came back. I haven't seen him since. Even though I sometimes fantasize about us making the relationship work, My brain knows he's not good for me and I'm better off apart from him.
My ex (DA) did every text book thing DA's do before our breakup 2 months ago: Breadcrumb, Ghosting, Gaslighting, Idealizing Phantom Exes, Monkey Branching ( not "cheating" - but keeping communication doors open) ...and, then, outright LYING. As we became more intimate over year 1 to 1.5 - she said all the right things about her many RED FLAGS, and I believed her words. Stupidly, naively. And boy am I paying the price for being trusting - and not separating her actions from words.
Been 3 months and nada. Don’t waste your time on people like avoidants unless they truly wanna change and get into therapy. This also goes for anxiously attached people.
Im so glad I didnt get any of these when the reconnecting finally happened 2 months later. Well minus an apology but they sure as hell did make me see they were sincerely making an effort again and it has lasted even over a year later, so all in all look to see their actions over their words even if theyre hesitantly vulnerable. Well if you even feel like you trust the person enough to try again, if you dont please at the bare minimum respect yourself enough to move on.
This video confirms that I've always used my LOGICAL mind in relationships. I've always sat back and watched a person's behavior to assess who they are in ALL the relationships I've been in. On a subconscious level, this list has essentially been my criteria in making my decisions. I can honestly say I've never been fooled by words more than twice, and never taken back an ex trying to deceive me. Once a person reveals who they are through their ACTIONS, I know all I need to know. That said, I'm glad all of this is being put into words as a way to identify and reference what I've subconsciously known all along.
@@atmodlee leaning DA myself, it relates because people often look for the source of the problem instead of looking for the SOLUTION. While it's good to understand attachment styles and their behaviors, it's BETTER to have a strong vetting process so you don't become invested in someone who isn't right for you in the long-term. For example, before I understood attachment styles, I attracted a lot of Anxious Preoccupied women. By the time I was invested, they were essentially sticking to me like glue and/or expecting ME to be the source of their happiness. Upon reflection (again, before I understood attachment styles), I realized that they had no identity/life outside the relationship. Now I pay attention to whether or not a woman has her own hobbies or interests before I become invested. If she doesn't, she's likely an AP and I can walk away before I go "down the rabbit hole." In short, assessing behavior properly will save you the trouble of trying to figure out a person's attachment style after you're invested. Don't believe me? Take a look at the comment sections of DA videos on this channel. People spend YEARS in alleged hurtful relationships with DAs (I spent time in a relationship with a DA myself. I was able to walk away pretty easily, except I wish I had done so sooner).
@@atmodlee Avoidants tend to make empty promises. All words and no actions, they seldom match. Hence why vetting indeed matters a lot when dealing with DAs.
Listen, just go TF missing, don't even entertain these avoidants once you leave, close the 🚪 behind you, locket it, barricade it, and put a no entry ⛔ sign up. It's funny how they pop up on this woman's videos in the comments like no one's business defending their behaviour, asking for empathy , and justifying how everyone else is the problem and now it's 🦗 crickets from the avoidant types when the mirror of "accountability" is held up. Remember go TF missing, secure attachment people are a safer bet let the avoidants date each other so you dont turn into one, or worse anxious. Your ex should be a reminder of who you don't want to be 😳 trust and believe that part.
After dealing with an experience with whom I can only describe as a severe FA... The biggest lesson I've learned is 'patterns repeat'. As you've mentioned throughout your amazing content, the subconscious runs the show. I believe it would be super hard for me specifically to repair anything with an avoidant because in my case, the behaviours were so destructive
Absolutely patterns repeat. I'm in that phase now it seems. When I pointed it out nothing. I changed and worked a lot on myself during the time apart. She did nada as far as I can tell.
Thank you for this video. Very helpful! ❤ My FA ex came back twice in 6 months. 1st time I wished him the best and he disappeared and the 2nd time he was more open to trying harder. I gave him a chance, however, sooner or later I find myself in the same cycle again. It is quite detrimental for my well-being and I bet it is hard for him too, which makes it difficult for me to just shut him down completely. This video is really helpful when we need to make a decision. Thank you for the part: "it doesn't mean they want to invest, it may be that they only miss you" ❤
Thank you so much for this, Thais! 😁 I much appreciate you taking the time to make and post a video on this subject. I think there are a lot of people out there grappling with the problem of how to approach an avoidant when rekindling a relationship with them. It’s great to have a framework like this for vetting an avoidant ex while ‘redoing the dating phase’. Without engaging with the avoidant partner correctly, the relationship would just be a repetition of old patterns and engaging 👍 God bless you for all the work you do and for all the people you are helping🙏
In a relationship for 5 years I thought it was good. 1 conflict and he ran then tells me all these I have done wrong. Doesn’t trust me tells me I lie and I am none of the things he is bringing up. Wondering if this is worth even going back to. I want to be respected not sure I will get that.
My DA ex came back to apologise for the break up (she had rebounded straight into a new relationship) but then kept making conversation with me after. I naively went along with it thinking she might have changed but nope, the same patterns showed up once again & she strung me along for no reason. I see so many comments about DA’s but I’m so empathetic I always see the good in people, learned my lesson now for sure 😂 RUN
Honestly, any of the 3 unhealed attachment styles can't just change. They have to do deep work to reprogram themselves. Some can change small behaviors over time after a little self-reflecting, but someone who has an extremely flawed personality paired with being unhealed likely won't be changing anytime soon.
I (DA) see this characteristics in myself. I did a lot of healing since the breakup 7 months ago. My FA ex is on a rebound, I wish she would have done the work instead... I still have hopes she would comes back, but she will most likely be insecure still.
I think possibly people make judgments to quickly on others by hear say and or from a place of being noncentered . If we don't time to become centered then this is not a good way to be. As always thank you to whoever sent this video of this wise woman to this phone. 🙏🏼🌗⚪️🧘🏻♂️
I wish I could have watched video 4 months ago when my FA ex came back, but I accepted her with no preconditions, I was just so happy... Well, we split up again a week ago...
Well I broke up with my DA, and I basically told him; propose, or stay away to let another man propose. He doesn't score for these red flags, but we were still not on the same page.
After two months she came into my group chat and started blaming me for the breakup and going off on everyone in there, smearing me. These are all strangers to her. It's disappointing it came to this. But she isn't trying to reconnect, right? I know it's a silly question. But slight chance she's crying for help?
I am not sure why I can't seem to go on, why can't I slam the door and stop the cycle? He is so sad, wanting to get back together but it never changes, I feel sorry for his horrible childhood, but He won't work on it. I see all these vids about how to deal with the avoidant and I am curious what it is that keeps us wanting to, I never had this with anyone else? What power is it they have over us?
I disagree with the stress part. I’m a full time salesman and I would really appreciate some level of compassion especially when I’m being accused of things that I know that I didn’t do. I’m not trying to be mean…
After 4 months he returns , stalking to my social media , I didn't reply but I felt weak cause I'm an anxious then after his third message I reply I wish I didn't talking for 2days then ghosted me again , PS he said we will meet but he ghosted me I waited for him but he left in silence , he is an avoidant but why he did that and he was the one who wanted to meet and said He suffered in my absence . I'm back to no contact again I feel fool stupid really .
There are others involved. When he feels a lack of supply, he looks to you. In looking to you, the other/others feel it, and try to pull him back. The only way to win is to not play the game. Transcend it and love maturely. Repeating the cycle only saps your power, even if you are given an initial boost to suck you in. Pain now or pain later. Avoidants will discard you when you most need them. Heal before entering a new relationship. Healing means you know will not take them back and hurt the new person. Some fail at this and become like those who caused them the pain. Like someone bitten by a vampire. Do not be one of them.
@@passerby6168 just curious, why are you assuming there are others involved? Between that comment and saying he's looking for supply, it sounds like you're talking about a narcissist or a serial dater, not an avoidant. I'm a healed FA and stay single for years and I never did thing like this and most DA's I know enjoy being alone for long periods of time...years even. I just didn't read that from her comment and wasn't sure how you came to that conclusion.
@@mouniaounasser4558 I would do my best to heal your anxious attachment. Once you become more secure, it'll be so much easy to spot people with this behavior and reject them immediately. I swear PDS is the way to go. As for him, he might just be testing the waters. I'm always polite to exes who reach out, but I don't latch onto the idea that they want more or that it's going anywhere unless we're talking for a loooong time before I accept an invite to spend time together. Your guy sounds confused af and I wouldn't even respond to him.
My dismisive avoidant ex dumped me and eventually blocked me in March. After doing no contact for 2 months, i thought id reach out by sending her a bunch if flowers and to just say, "Hi, hope you are well". (I thought if i waited for her to reach out id be waiting forever!). Anyway....Flowers were delivered yesterday. As of yet, i havent heard a thing! Did i do the right thing by sending flowers, or have i stuffed it up?
Did you do something wrong for her to dump you? If not it’s down to her to initiate contact etc. move on in life dude you’ve only given her validation and rewarded her with a gift for dumping you and ignoring you. Don’t do that. Going no contact is about your own self healing and happiness not hers. Find someone who doesn’t play childish games
Maybe a better way would have been a message/letter "Hi, it's been quite windy lately. How are your studies going?" I she responds in a normal way, you can proceed. If she doesn't answer, it means she wants nothing to do with you.
@@markhook9449 When we were together we never had a crossed word, let alone an argument. We just laughed all the time and said nice things to each other. Then out of the blue I got a text and..... 💣💥
Flowers might actually been seen as pressure. It's kind of a big gesture. No contact should have lasted at least 3 months... You should probably try to be with someone that accepts your gifts self and time
She's done videos on it. She's an FA in a relationship with a DA herself. As an FA (former), my 3 relationships were with DAs. It was unhealthy. It seems to start out well. You understand they have some fears about intimacy, but you have the same. But when it's time to get closer, they start to pull away. This triggers the FA to chase, but pull away sometimes when feeling rejected. And the inconsistency further triggers the DA. I said no to this dysfunctional dynamic and healed.
@martine5716 it's a very delicate dynamic and if both partners are unhealed and unable to identify their triggers so they can communicate effectively, then it can be hard. Not impossible though. I'm a healing FA and now test secure. I walked away from my DA a year ago because I had to heal myself and figure out the meaning behind my anxious feelings. It wasn't just with him. It was effecting other areas of my life. I had just about the toughest summer of my life in 2023 as I was opening traumas that I locked away since childhood. Once I did that, the floodgate opened and it was awful. The positive part is that I am now able to identify a trigger and cope in a healthy way. The reason I shared that is because now I'm in a way healthier place. My DA still hasn't given up on me and has waited all this time. He himself has taken down his guard and fully letting me in. I think we both needed a healthier version of ourselves to actually give this a try. As long as the anxiety and triggers are dealt with accordingly, a FA/DA relationship has a shot in working out. ❤
@@zacpdx Terrific. 🙄 Our longest stretch was 6 weeks, and I initiated. At that time I told myself I would never wait that long again. It was just an argument. 🤷🏻♀️
@@JustMeAndMyBoyexactly, it was just an argument... It's so frustrating. In my view barely anything happened. In her view the world ended. How do you ever bridge such a gap. I don't think I'm exactly secure but atleast I'm willing to communicate and work on myself. The other side however. Simply playing games and stonewalling.
@@LeeChrissy Light eyes light up in light. A lot of people shoot their videos in sunlight to highlight their eyes. It is just becoming way too obvious.
The book “Safe People” by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend is required reading for my therapy clients. It’s actually a book that we ALL should have read in middle school or high school. And yes, every single person needs to 1. Raise their self esteem and their self worth and 2. Vet every single person that we choose to be in our lives! Remember, relationships are a CHOICE! We CHOOSE these people to be in our lives especially and we need to take RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY for this. My mentor once told me “a person’s standards are only as high as their self esteem.” I never forgot that.💯
Thanks for the recommendation. Definitely going to give this a read.
@@BetterLoveMovement/ 99.9% of ALL people are toxic with unresolved childhood wounds. Very few escape the trap of trauma & social conditioning associated with early childhood development. Is life nothing more than a projection of yourself upon others with intentions to work out some kind of subconscious agenda ?
@BetterLoveMovement / 99.9% of people are toxic ; no human being escapes the trauma & injustice of childhood, so life becomes nothing more than a projection upon others to induce an unconscious recreation of social conditioning & early childhood development.
When they show you who they are, believe them the first time.
I need to make this my alarm clock. :D
After reading all of these comments associated with this video, I'm grateful that I have a wonderful relationship with my dog. WOOF !
Dealing with a fearful avoidant was one of the most exhausting things in life , i Didn't even know how much im anxious until we broke up
Amazing thank you
So sorry to hear that. Do you feel comfortable sharing how you felt after the breakup and what it triggered in you?
@maryl.6087 it's been almost a year now , the worst pain I ever felt like life stopped, it triggered me so much and became super anxious and my emotions always swing from anger to sadness
@@Killer-ct4vt PDS has great courses for this. I've been in it for over a year and now test secure.
@@Killer-ct4vt I feel you dude, I just suppressed my emotions for so long that I couldnt even recall when was the last time I cried then that exact thing happened and I just had a crisis. Lot of sadness then eventual anger when it felt like they were ignoring me on purpose, but keep pushing on it does get easier with the information you can learn here and you eventually just become happy with yourself.
When my avoidant ex returned, it was at my fav hangout place. I hadn't seen him in over a year and wanted to hug him. He talked to me for just a few seconds and then sat several feet away from me but still in eyesight to read a book. I realized the same hot and cold pattern existed and I was seeing it in real time. I checked in with him before we parted. He told me he was working and I told him I was in between jobs. The caring feelings were still between us, but I didn't want anymore pain from him after I'd gone into no contact and educated myself on avoidant attachment. My ex turned up one more time same place with a family member and I saw him briefly. It felt like the person with him was a buffer, that he didn't trust me, and I didn't like the feeling. My ex was in the men's room and as I waited with his family member a few seconds. My instincts said just to leave before he came back. I haven't seen him since. Even though I sometimes fantasize about us making the relationship work, My brain knows he's not good for me and I'm better off apart from him.
Well done! Hope you get something better soon! ❤
Stock him from the bathroom, damn you a broken bish, lol
Stay strong and move on. When you love yourself you will never allow yourself to get back on their slippery slope of misery..
My ex (DA) did every text book thing DA's do before our breakup 2 months ago: Breadcrumb, Ghosting, Gaslighting, Idealizing Phantom Exes, Monkey Branching ( not "cheating" - but keeping communication doors open) ...and, then, outright LYING.
As we became more intimate over year 1 to 1.5 - she said all the right things about her many RED FLAGS, and I believed her words. Stupidly, naively.
And boy am I paying the price for being trusting - and not separating her actions from words.
That's not as much a DA thing as it is a covert Narcissist one.
@@MuzikAficionado agreed. I don't know one DA who acts this way. Definitely sounds like a narc.
Been 3 months and nada. Don’t waste your time on people like avoidants unless they truly wanna change and get into therapy. This also goes for anxiously attached people.
Do NOT fall for their BS again. You deserve better.
Im so glad I didnt get any of these when the reconnecting finally happened 2 months later. Well minus an apology but they sure as hell did make me see they were sincerely making an effort again and it has lasted even over a year later, so all in all look to see their actions over their words even if theyre hesitantly vulnerable. Well if you even feel like you trust the person enough to try again, if you dont please at the bare minimum respect yourself enough to move on.
So glad it worked out for you! This makes me happy.
Well said.
This video confirms that I've always used my LOGICAL mind in relationships. I've always sat back and watched a person's behavior to assess who they are in ALL the relationships I've been in. On a subconscious level, this list has essentially been my criteria in making my decisions. I can honestly say I've never been fooled by words more than twice, and never taken back an ex trying to deceive me. Once a person reveals who they are through their ACTIONS, I know all I need to know. That said, I'm glad all of this is being put into words as a way to identify and reference what I've subconsciously known all along.
How does this relate to dismissive avoidants? I’m curious.
@@atmodlee leaning DA myself, it relates because people often look for the source of the problem instead of looking for the SOLUTION. While it's good to understand attachment styles and their behaviors, it's BETTER to have a strong vetting process so you don't become invested in someone who isn't right for you in the long-term.
For example, before I understood attachment styles, I attracted a lot of Anxious Preoccupied women. By the time I was invested, they were essentially sticking to me like glue and/or expecting ME to be the source of their happiness. Upon reflection (again, before I understood attachment styles), I realized that they had no identity/life outside the relationship. Now I pay attention to whether or not a woman has her own hobbies or interests before I become invested. If she doesn't, she's likely an AP and I can walk away before I go "down the rabbit hole."
In short, assessing behavior properly will save you the trouble of trying to figure out a person's attachment style after you're invested. Don't believe me? Take a look at the comment sections of DA videos on this channel. People spend YEARS in alleged hurtful relationships with DAs (I spent time in a relationship with a DA myself. I was able to walk away pretty easily, except I wish I had done so sooner).
@@atmodlee Avoidants tend to make empty promises. All words and no actions, they seldom match. Hence why vetting indeed matters a lot when dealing with DAs.
Listen, just go TF missing, don't even entertain these avoidants once you leave, close the 🚪 behind you, locket it, barricade it, and put a no entry ⛔ sign up.
It's funny how they pop up on this woman's videos in the comments like no one's business defending their behaviour, asking for empathy , and justifying how everyone else is the problem and now it's 🦗 crickets from the avoidant types when the mirror of "accountability" is held up.
Remember go TF missing, secure attachment people are a safer bet let the avoidants date each other so you dont turn into one, or worse anxious. Your ex should be a reminder of who you don't want to be 😳 trust and believe that part.
What if they return? Easy answer. Run. Run far and run fast. Move. Change your name. Go off grid. Anything but let them back in.
After dealing with an experience with whom I can only describe as a severe FA... The biggest lesson I've learned is 'patterns repeat'.
As you've mentioned throughout your amazing content, the subconscious runs the show.
I believe it would be super hard for me specifically to repair anything with an avoidant because in my case, the behaviours were so destructive
Absolutely patterns repeat. I'm in that phase now it seems. When I pointed it out nothing. I changed and worked a lot on myself during the time apart. She did nada as far as I can tell.
Been there, both sides of it many times; so grateful to be in the thick of this wellness work now, and seeing it all the more clearly.
Thank you for this video. Very helpful! ❤ My FA ex came back twice in 6 months. 1st time I wished him the best and he disappeared and the 2nd time he was more open to trying harder. I gave him a chance, however, sooner or later I find myself in the same cycle again. It is quite detrimental for my well-being and I bet it is hard for him too, which makes it difficult for me to just shut him down completely. This video is really helpful when we need to make a decision. Thank you for the part: "it doesn't mean they want to invest, it may be that they only miss you" ❤
Thank you so much for this, Thais! 😁
I much appreciate you taking the time to make and post a video on this subject. I think there are a lot of people out there grappling with the problem of how to approach an avoidant when rekindling a relationship with them.
It’s great to have a framework like this for vetting an avoidant ex while ‘redoing the dating phase’. Without engaging with the avoidant partner correctly, the relationship would just be a repetition of old patterns and engaging 👍
God bless you for all the work you do and for all the people you are helping🙏
We got attached to the early lovebombing period. Instead of that which came later.
This book, "Safe People," is excellent.
Block them and move on. 🚫 They don't change. If you stay you will pay eventually.
Yeah I paid. This girl just wanted validation...
In a relationship for 5 years I thought it was good. 1 conflict and he ran then tells me all these I have done wrong. Doesn’t trust me tells me I lie and I am none of the things he is bringing up. Wondering if this is worth even going back to. I want to be respected not sure I will get that.
My DA ex came back to apologise for the break up (she had rebounded straight into a new relationship) but then kept making conversation with me after. I naively went along with it thinking she might have changed but nope, the same patterns showed up once again & she strung me along for no reason.
I see so many comments about DA’s but I’m so empathetic I always see the good in people, learned my lesson now for sure 😂 RUN
I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Honestly, any of the 3 unhealed attachment styles can't just change. They have to do deep work to reprogram themselves. Some can change small behaviors over time after a little self-reflecting, but someone who has an extremely flawed personality paired with being unhealed likely won't be changing anytime soon.
Cool sunlight spots,like crystal rainbows on face.
I love your channel so much. Ur channel provides so much guidance, and has made me feel less crazy and dejected.
This!! This is what I'm finally living. Thank you for the discussion, context and guidance through this new way of living and practice of discernment.
I (DA) see this characteristics in myself. I did a lot of healing since the breakup 7 months ago. My FA ex is on a rebound, I wish she would have done the work instead...
I still have hopes she would comes back, but she will most likely be insecure still.
Hi Thais ❤ you are so amazing and appreciated
I think possibly people make judgments to quickly on others by hear say and or from a place of being noncentered .
If we don't time to become centered then this is not a good way to be.
As always thank you to whoever sent this video of this wise woman to this phone. 🙏🏼🌗⚪️🧘🏻♂️
This is extremely helpful
I wish I could have watched video 4 months ago when my FA ex came back, but I accepted her with no preconditions, I was just so happy... Well, we split up again a week ago...
Well I broke up with my DA, and I basically told him; propose, or stay away to let another man propose.
He doesn't score for these red flags, but we were still not on the same page.
After two months she came into my group chat and started blaming me for the breakup and going off on everyone in there, smearing me. These are all strangers to her.
It's disappointing it came to this. But she isn't trying to reconnect, right? I know it's a silly question. But slight chance she's crying for help?
You are clutching at straw; let it go :) And I'm fearful avoidant myself.
It could be, but to smear your name among others is cruel..
I am not sure why I can't seem to go on, why can't I slam the door and stop the cycle? He is so sad, wanting to get back together but it never changes, I feel sorry for his horrible childhood, but He won't work on it. I see all these vids about how to deal with the avoidant and I am curious what it is that keeps us wanting to, I never had this with anyone else? What power is it they have over us?
You have to heal your own attachment to become secure. Others can't make us do anything. That's on us.
Your heart wants to help him, but you need to help yourself first. You can't keep pouring out of your cup to fill his. 😞
Or like round 6 or 7 😂😂😂
You were in hell, never return, I did in the 90s it worse. Run!!!! Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏🙏🙏
I disagree with the stress part. I’m a full time salesman and I would really appreciate some level of compassion especially when I’m being accused of things that I know that I didn’t do. I’m not trying to be mean…
Ty thais this was my question lolol ❤
After 4 months he returns , stalking to my social media , I didn't reply but I felt weak cause I'm an anxious then after his third message I reply I wish I didn't talking for 2days then ghosted me again , PS he said we will meet but he ghosted me I waited for him but he left in silence , he is an avoidant but why he did that and he was the one who wanted to meet and said He suffered in my absence . I'm back to no contact again I feel fool stupid really .
There are others involved. When he feels a lack of supply, he looks to you. In looking to you, the other/others feel it, and try to pull him back. The only way to win is to not play the game. Transcend it and love maturely. Repeating the cycle only saps your power, even if you are given an initial boost to suck you in. Pain now or pain later. Avoidants will discard you when you most need them. Heal before entering a new relationship. Healing means you know will not take them back and hurt the new person. Some fail at this and become like those who caused them the pain. Like someone bitten by a vampire. Do not be one of them.
@@passerby6168 thank you 🙏
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not stupid. He is just confused..
@@passerby6168 just curious, why are you assuming there are others involved? Between that comment and saying he's looking for supply, it sounds like you're talking about a narcissist or a serial dater, not an avoidant. I'm a healed FA and stay single for years and I never did thing like this and most DA's I know enjoy being alone for long periods of time...years even. I just didn't read that from her comment and wasn't sure how you came to that conclusion.
@@mouniaounasser4558 I would do my best to heal your anxious attachment. Once you become more secure, it'll be so much easy to spot people with this behavior and reject them immediately. I swear PDS is the way to go.
As for him, he might just be testing the waters. I'm always polite to exes who reach out, but I don't latch onto the idea that they want more or that it's going anywhere unless we're talking for a loooong time before I accept an invite to spend time together. Your guy sounds confused af and I wouldn't even respond to him.
My dismisive avoidant ex dumped me and eventually blocked me in March. After doing no contact for 2 months, i thought id reach out by sending her a bunch if flowers and to just say, "Hi, hope you are well". (I thought if i waited for her to reach out id be waiting forever!).
Anyway....Flowers were delivered yesterday. As of yet, i havent heard a thing!
Did i do the right thing by sending flowers, or have i stuffed it up?
Im no expert but probably not. Go into no contact
Did you do something wrong for her to dump you?
If not it’s down to her to initiate contact etc. move on in life dude you’ve only given her validation and rewarded her with a gift for dumping you and ignoring you. Don’t do that. Going no contact is about your own self healing and happiness not hers. Find someone who doesn’t play childish games
Maybe a better way would have been a message/letter "Hi, it's been quite windy lately. How are your studies going?"
I she responds in a normal way, you can proceed. If she doesn't answer, it means she wants nothing to do with you.
@@markhook9449 When we were together we never had a crossed word, let alone an argument. We just laughed all the time and said nice things to each other. Then out of the blue I got a text and..... 💣💥
Flowers might actually been seen as pressure. It's kind of a big gesture. No contact should have lasted at least 3 months...
You should probably try to be with someone that accepts your gifts self and time
I wish
Hi, I'm just wondering how an FA dating a DA navigate a relationship together🙏
She's done videos on it. She's an FA in a relationship with a DA herself.
As an FA (former), my 3 relationships were with DAs. It was unhealthy. It seems to start out well. You understand they have some fears about intimacy, but you have the same. But when it's time to get closer, they start to pull away. This triggers the FA to chase, but pull away sometimes when feeling rejected. And the inconsistency further triggers the DA. I said no to this dysfunctional dynamic and healed.
Very carefully
Very carefully
@@ds37215 did you do anything to heal your attachment? I joined PDS over a year ago healed so much of the things that would make me anxious.
@martine5716 it's a very delicate dynamic and if both partners are unhealed and unable to identify their triggers so they can communicate effectively, then it can be hard. Not impossible though. I'm a healing FA and now test secure. I walked away from my DA a year ago because I had to heal myself and figure out the meaning behind my anxious feelings. It wasn't just with him. It was effecting other areas of my life. I had just about the toughest summer of my life in 2023 as I was opening traumas that I locked away since childhood. Once I did that, the floodgate opened and it was awful. The positive part is that I am now able to identify a trigger and cope in a healthy way.
The reason I shared that is because now I'm in a way healthier place. My DA still hasn't given up on me and has waited all this time. He himself has taken down his guard and fully letting me in. I think we both needed a healthier version of ourselves to actually give this a try. As long as the anxiety and triggers are dealt with accordingly, a FA/DA relationship has a shot in working out. ❤
What if they’re not an ex, just haven’t communicated in 2 weeks? Does a DA/FA ever initiate?
Look at past videos. They sometimes do, but only after at least 6 weeks of no contact
@@zacpdx Terrific. 🙄 Our longest stretch was 6 weeks, and I initiated. At that time I told myself I would never wait that long again.
It was just an argument. 🤷🏻♀️
@@JustMeAndMyBoyexactly, it was just an argument... It's so frustrating. In my view barely anything happened. In her view the world ended. How do you ever bridge such a gap. I don't think I'm exactly secure but atleast I'm willing to communicate and work on myself. The other side however. Simply playing games and stonewalling.
@@bigbadlara5304 For me, I’m waiting for an apology for insensitive remarks. Don’t know if it’ll ever come. 🤷🏻♀️
Distracting lighting
Why are you filming with the weird light shining on you? Haha Those of us with light eyes know why 🙄
I have light eyes. What do you mean?
@@LeeChrissy Light eyes light up in light. A lot of people shoot their videos in sunlight to highlight their eyes. It is just becoming way too obvious.