I am alone now except for my friends. I have already gotten rid of the poisonous ppl in my life. So thank God, those monsters are gone. Takes longer to get rid of the dirty damage that they have done to us but every single day is a day in the right direction! I am making progress and I can see my progress daily.
We do NOT have the power nor the right nor the responsibility to change others. The wisest course of action is to MOVE ON and detoxify difficult people from our lives.
Of course you may have to quit your job, not see your family and not see your friends because of that person who is often with them. No, I think Vanessa has the best advice. This is a small part of the picture and you'll find many more pieces of the puzzle which makes up interpersonal relationships in the many aspects that are covered by Vanessa's videos. She is a very intelligent lady and right on the money here. You can't always run away and avoid life. But by all means, yes, avoid those who would bring you down when you can. For those times you can't Vanessa has the answer. Perhaps listen again. I think I will because I may be being the tank here.
She is not talking about us changing others, just managing the relations. If you don't, you will end up alone because most people are toxic sometimes and you will n ot be able to relate to them. Been there, done that moving on and that's the point I'm at right now.
Fudge the Tanks, Been dealing with a toxic tank supervisor, now I just ignore her and go about my work. Which gets her annoyed but I have the right to ignore people like her. I dont always want to be the “understanding” person, i want to be able to be myself without worrying about how she is gonna react.
Your life and your energy is yours to spend how you like. Don't worry about offending people, just do what's right for you. If you don't take care of your boundaries, others probably won't either.
@@danikag5253 downside is ppl will also careless if you get offended. I mean I dunno to each their own I guess, but I would rather choose to respect ppl until they give me a reason not to. So if I offend someone I just say I'm sorry and I can always talkin about it when they're not present anymore
m. taylor it's not therapy, it's only trying to understand where they're coming from, did you not pay attention? Or do you fall in the negative Nancy category?
roooa2312 Don't get derogatory with me. It would seem you are "negative" with your insulting remark. We are not there to change them. You need to be realistic, life and people can't always be positive. Are you a baby expecting therapy from acquaintances? If someone is perceived as difficult or toxic, let them go through what they are going through. It may even be who they are, so let them be...rather than being controlling and forcing change on others so that you can live in a perfect world.
+Ed Sheerah No, trust me that's just feeding the flame. They will use those hugs & attention as yet another opportunity to condescend & patronize the giver. These people are toxic, they don't have friends for a reason.
For 48 pointless years, I desperately tried to 'win' my mother's love. She was a malignant narcissist & a very dangerous woman. 2 years before she died, I finally had enough & never spoke to her again. I feel no guilt & no regrets. I didn't let her win because today, 6 years later - I remain undamaged & the same bubbly, happy, positive, kind woman I always was. I can SMELL a toxic person from 300 paces away & I NEVER allow them a place in my life. I have had the same big group of beautiful friends since I was 8 & do NOT need or want in my life - negative, self-obsessed, manipulative, needy, jealous, nasty emotional vampires. I didn't get to choose my mother but I do get to choose who I allow into my world. Get rid of toxic people in your life because the more you give - the more they take.
How do u see them coming, I don't, and for that matter how do they see u coming? Its, getting harder to recognise the day walkers aka vampires. There so many different breeds
@@elizesfrancea8361 very social-wise knowing if they're bullies, narcist, egoïstic, social-ladder climbers (Using you as second option so they won't have to stay alone if their friends are gone) etc. People who chose the right friends and not fake ones.
My mother was the same way just awful. She knew the light inside me could never be broken though she tried. No contact with her for a year and no regrets. I hope she finds peace in the Lord but I'm no longer going to try to rescue her.
Of course these tips sound great in theory, but meanwhile I just think why should I become a private therapist for other people...? I think the best we can do for toxic people - and for ourselves - is to leave them alone. Then they will be forced to change, if everybody would stay away from them. I tried too often to support, fix, teach... toxic people, but I decided that I am neither their private therapist, nor their mother, teacher ect. I know it can sound somewhat disillusioned, but I believe that we can just help ourselves in the end. We can offer tools, we can offer information, we can offer support, but we all have to have the will to use the support, information and the tools.
Helena Gouveia Point stated was we can't fix or change difficult people. Instead we use skills to effectively deal with them, that speaker pointed out.
Symbolsysteme We aren't being therapists, we are simply using skills (explained by speaker in video) to maneuver when around difficult people, so we don't exhaust ourselves. We are not trying to change or provide therapy.
You' re right, but I think this woman isn't telling us to be therapists, she is giving tips on how to manage difficult people. It's kind of a loving approach, I guess.
"What kind of personal passion projects are you working on" she keeps saying that, in other videos too....What a wierd question lol never heard someone ask that, couldn't you just ask like what kind of hobbies are you working on or even just, have any projects your working on?
+Jenna Smithers Cause she wrote a book maybe she's resonating with people who have unique passions. Most people don't. But if you asked her that question she'd be like "aye i wrote a nice book/ i was on youtube etc." . That just resonates with her so you shouldnt judge her
+Jenna Smithers I think she meant it more like an example. I like to ask deeper questions as follow-ups, for instance: "What do you do/what are you studying?" then "What do you like most about it?" You can get specific too. Say if it's a doctor: "What's the coolest case you've encountered?" If it's a blogger: "Who's your favorite author?" You should try it, people are stoked to be asked these kind of questions, and it's a lot more interesting for you, too! :)
Jenna Smithers Sounds like you (me too) just learned of a new skill/tool to use when in situations with difficult personalities. i'm gonna try the passion question to see what happens.
My boss is a combination of Better Than, Tank, and a 5 Category which is, "Weirdo." I can't understand weirdos. My kameleonization is quite literal where I camoflauge into the office setting.
Those are very compassionate actions. It feels more like acceptance and support and less like someone, who is different or struggling, could be a burden. I like it. Thank you. Very kind.
I am a complainer from time to time ! but I just feel like todays world is so much about toxic positivity that I am like this is my truth and the world is often fucked up but then they are like u are negative...
A "tank" type person WOULD NOT LIKE BEING ASKED what was bothering them or have they got any issues.....a "Tank" type (controller) would not like anyone to suggest or intimate that they have ANY weaknesses. I personally think it's just a matter of accepting people for who and what they are. Some are loud, some are quiet, some are bossy, some are friendly. Big deal. All of us should be comfortable in our own skins and be just what and who we are. i.e If someone thinks that I'm "beneath" them to talk to, why worry about it...I'll just talk to someone else.
Constantly bringing any and all conversation back to themselves. Bringing a question that was directed at you or someone else back to them! Letting their child be cruel to another child and not doing a damn thing about it. Bringing up gossip about friends who aren't here to defend themselves. One Up-ers--- the people whose problems are MUCH worse than yours and they make sure you know it. Someone who is constantly on their cell , whether it be texting, talking, Facebook....while in your presence. Being overbearing in general. Someone who won't ever look at you when you are talking. An interrupter! Correcting someone mid sentence. Yep all of these and more have happened to me.
When someone complains they are actually looking for advice and help i use to be a complainer and now I am solution focused!I'm proud of that change that I've made.
i just got off work feeling really stressed out, and dealing with a co worker who is a tank, this helped more than you know......thank you ......slowly finding my grace........
I think I often come off as a "better-than", though I'd say that's not really what's going on. When someone tells me a story or expresses an idea, I often respond with a story or idea of my own...not to 1-up them, but to show them that I've comprehended what they're saying and identify with it. Hopefully there's some other subtext that conveys this?
+GeetarAdam You have to understand why the person is telling you the story. If they are telling you good news because they want to share or generally tell you how well that they've done. Just respond to them with 'Good for you,!' Tell me more about how you....etc. If it's a general conversation where you are having an exchange, then you can tell them about your experience.
Stop telling a story after they tell you one unless it's that type of conversation. If they're just telling you something to tell you then say that's great! or congrats and carry on. Don't steal their thunder!
Same, sometimes my stories are more ridiculous too, it seems like I'm trying to 1 up...so then after that happens I usually become bashful and degrade myself in some way...which isn't good for me..🙄 ...being worried about how someone else feels when my intentions weren't evil and then resorting to self punishment is complete self betrayal..
@@rlud304 It certainly comes off that way a lot of times, and there's probably, at minimum, at least an aspect of "me-ism" inherent in it. I agree that it's not a great quality. I can see it in others and can likewise see it in myself. I left this comment 6 years ago and have mindfully attempted to grow in some measure since that time. Self-centeredness is very deeply rooted and can, perhaps, never be totally overcome, but can at least be realized and steered toward other goals than the bolstering of one's on ego. I grew up in the country and had only an older sister who had no interest in the games I wanted to play, so my earliest years were primarily "me-centric". I played in the woods and was the captain of all my imaginations. My self-centeredness has been an issue for most of my life, but it's been both bane and boon. I have many people with whom I'm friendly, but only a handful of people whom I'd call true friends. And they know me, warts and all, and can call me on my bullshit, which I admire, appreciate, and respect. My wife...the same. She's never been as impressed with me as I've been with myself, and I love and need those qualities. And here I am in my comment... "I, me, I, me"... can't friggin' win. Lol.
This is great! I enjoyed how Vanessa shared in details the different types of difficult people and how to get them open up instead of lighting the fire even more. I am a quite person so I definitely can relate when someone tells me to speak up which results in me not even wanting to talk at all.
Same it is almost impossible to conversate with these types of people. You cant say shit and they are fucken annoying. I am suppose to be impressed or do back flips lol?
What I'm curious to know is how to deal with these personalities in a business setting, especially a meeting. You mention an accomplishment, and then someone mentions theirs as a response. You mention an initiative, and a tank has a strong emotional reaction. These are not relationships or situations we can opt out of. Sure, I have my methods to deal with these, but I'm open to more possibilities.
I don't see why you gotta accommodate these people. Like she said, we can all be one of these on our worst day. (I personally believe there are more kinds of toxic people) But regardless, if there are people like this in your life that constantly do this shit, I say drop them. You don't need that in your life
The personal passion project question is a little cliche. I like a lot of the other things mentioned, I would just like to find a synonym for personal passion project that doesn't sound so kitchy.
Everyone in the world would experience some difficult people in their lives, not only you. One way to deal if to ignore the difficult people who're trying to stress you out. If you have some difficulties dealing with mean people, then you should go see the psychologist and take some mental medications to beocme mentally strong enough to shield yourself from the mean people.
Ugh. Hate toxic people! I haven't made my debt payments and I get it. But that's all these bank representatives want to talk about. Emotionally draining!! BAH!!
Thanks Vanessa, very useful information indeed. I watched this video with the self defence class I teach and we all found it useful. Thanks for uploading. I will share with my online groups too!
Crap....I watched this to learn about dealing with 4 types of difficult ppl then realized Im 1 of the 4 she's talking about :( now I need to instead send the link to everyone I know to help deal with my passiveness!
what is a "personal passion project". It is an americanization and sounds very false to me. If someone asked me that in that way, I would hardly be able to contain myself until I could get away.
This describes some of my relationship with my husband’s family. My husbands elderly sister is the tanker. She is close to his cousin who is the downer and I hate my relationship with them so I’m passive as in I don’t ask them questions back and I answer carefully. I’m the outsider and I am okay with only seeing them on holidays. I personally wouldn’t want to ask question why do they feel in such a way because i get accused or I become the punching bag for whatever reason they were clearly upset about. Nope. Can’t. Great information Vanessa thank you!
The one up person may actually just be trying to bond with you by showing they have something in common with you or know what you're going through. I used to do this a lot and noticed people didn't want to hang out with me much afterwards. Couldn't figure out why at the time. Someone's spouse had cancer I would tell them about how I had cancer 3 times. Someone when to Italy I would tell them about how I lived in Italy and asked them where they went. I wasn't seeing my experiences as better than theirs, I was actually just trying to make friends and was clueless at how terrible I was at it.
vanessa i watched few of your videos and tell you what YOU and YOUR TIPS are AMAZING. both of you and your tips will change everyone's life for the better :) thank you so much for sharing!
Vanessa please look into the Enneagram types, and you will see half of what you are saying about traits, and the tank for example would be a type 8, it will fall very nicely into your line of work. I highly recommend the books and not only can you get books to explain the nine different personality types you can get books that help the growth of your personality and those are pretty interesting too because we can often fall down a dark path in our lives so being able to get back the best version of yourself is soo rewarding and you are there, writing a book, coming on doing talks you want to help people and give them the information they need to better themselves, this is when you are at your most healthiest.
I cannot think of one person who is only 'one' of the mentioned.... I have always met those unworthies with 3 or more types together... it is a bit too simplified... (talking my heart out; nothing else; as a human even m subjected to error)
I work with my father he is very cynical emotional and negative I think he fits in the tank category we bump heads because I believe you create you own reality with you thoughts and words.
It sounded like she said that the best way to deal with difficult people is to avoid them whenever possible. I would argue that this is the opposite of dealing with a person.
Narcissists are the worst. They lie, cheat and manipulate and have to be the center of attention in groups of people. They get loud so they can take over a situation. So frustrating. I work with a woman like this and she always gets her way because no one wants to deal with her.
Wow, she never runs out of new stuff, but more importantly, it always seems relevant, interesting and useful. Oh, and btw, what she says about not encouraging is so true. I know this person who always tells me to smile in photos and guess what the result is.
What about people that are "anchors"? The ones that leech off people and sometimes bring other people down, even if you throw them a life raft or dive in to save them. They just continue holding onto that anchor. They could be perfectly normal, amiable people but they have one life problem/habit they can't drop.
I really have problems with one ups. It can be challenging when you have to deal with this person quite often. I have no clue how to deal with this person and they drain me everytime I go around that person.
I am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my UA-cam channel, so I get excited when I see people spreading positivity. 💙❤
1 downers, negative, complain a lot 2 better, one up (they feel less than others), usually want to.know all 3 passives, dont make decissions, one word answer (they feel unworthy) 4 tanks, really angry, control freak, emotional Try to understand them, dont fix them. Find there value language, what drives them. What is going on for you, what personal passion project are you on? Make sure they are not toxic for you. Have boundaries. Only talk to the person for a while. Tanks have subjects you cant talk to them about, they get very angry.
hearing this i have met someone who is a debbie downer and a tank ,and a drama queen who back stabs everyone in the work place.She talks about people what they"ve done that i don"t want to know about because they"re my friends and i'm agreeing with this person because she could ruin my reputation by talking about me behind my back.She is very popular.people love her she"s very sly and cunning i just hope she is found out on her own that talking about people will be karma eventually!
How about no. I don't agree on having to bend to accommodate others and especially their bad behaviour, some of these sound like adults having tantrums and being bullies. Call a bully out they will back down. Stand up for yourself and that doesn't mean being aggressive about it either.
wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe you saw my comment and replied to me!!!!!!! This made my day. Thank you Ma'am. Keep enlightening us! :) :) :) :)
I hear you Jenny! 👍🏾 I'm an empath too and sensitive to energies, so I understand how draining it can be. Have you looked into ways to shift your energy? Once I learned this, I felt so much better! 🤗 My #MakingMovesMotivation video on 'How to SHIFT YOUR ENERGY IN 4 SIMPLE STEPS' might be helpful for you: ua-cam.com/video/rMdwNRWmOgc/v-deo.html 💖💎
My grandparent is a tank, dealing with her has been a nightmare at times. It just the way she talks to me is so dehumanizing, I'm not allowed to disagree with anything she says and my problem don't mean anything to her. All she seems to care about is my dad and herself at times and its so frustrating.
Anoud Zaki I don't engage in gossiping with gossipers. Discovered hard way that gossip and slander are self-defeating. I find reason to leave. As in, RUN!
What would you recommend I can do for myself for being passive. I’m aware the type of control I’d like to have in relationships and it doesn’t bring out the qualities I want people to see in me. Maybe for a brief time but then I begin this cycle I find difficult to break
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Find out more in our full article on this topic: www.scienceofpeople.com/difficult-people/
I've been trying to figure out a way to deal with my stepfather who is difficult all the time
I am exhausted with difficult ppl. Staying to myself as much as humanly possible is refreshing to my brain.
I am alone now except for my friends. I have already gotten rid of the
poisonous ppl in my life. So thank God, those monsters are gone. Takes
longer to get rid of the dirty damage that they have done to us but
every single day is a day in the right direction! I am making progress
and I can see my progress daily.
@@tranquility9325 we celebrate being amarantines
I used to be a passive, I think its because you are pushed down so much you don't feel as if you have a voice.
Selling Affiliate Products - Free Course That's why I memorized God's promises...to call on them when under personal 'attack'.
when you find that voice...they get uncomfortable to say the least.
Ruthie Kumar yes
Ruthie - who they?? Who gets uncomfortable? I don't get it...
@@Runner8617 Mm, me neither
We do NOT have the power nor the right nor the responsibility to change others. The wisest course of action is to MOVE ON and detoxify difficult people from our lives.
Anna Bella Good.
i wish I'd known that a long time ago
Of course you may have to quit your job, not see your family and not see your friends because of that person who is often with them. No, I think Vanessa has the best advice. This is a small part of the picture and you'll find many more pieces of the puzzle which makes up interpersonal relationships in the many aspects that are covered by Vanessa's videos. She is a very intelligent lady and right on the money here. You can't always run away and avoid life. But by all means, yes, avoid those who would bring you down when you can. For those times you can't Vanessa has the answer. Perhaps listen again. I think I will because I may be being the tank here.
She is not talking about us changing others, just managing the relations. If you don't, you will end up alone because most people are toxic sometimes and you will n ot be able to relate to them. Been there, done that moving on and that's the point I'm at right now.
What if they're you're parents
Fudge the Tanks, Been dealing with a toxic tank supervisor, now I just ignore her and go about my work. Which gets her annoyed but I have the right to ignore people like her. I dont always want to be the “understanding” person, i want to be able to be myself without worrying about how she is gonna react.
I'm passive. I never had a voice growing up. Now that I am grown, I am getting better.
I feel like I'm constantly having to accommodate these people where I don't even want to socialize anymore, they drain me.
She She---Uh oh, which of the 4 categories do you fall into? You sound defensive.
Your life and your energy is yours to spend how you like. Don't worry about offending people, just do what's right for you. If you don't take care of your boundaries, others probably won't either.
@@danikag5253 downside is ppl will also careless if you get offended. I mean I dunno to each their own I guess, but I would rather choose to respect ppl until they give me a reason not to. So if I offend someone I just say I'm sorry and I can always talkin about it when they're not present anymore
People who think they are better than you are a waste of time in my eyes.
Nobody is better than nobody !!!
Right everyone has their own unique strengths and talents!
Ok, correct. But how do you deal with them?
The host was asking good relevant questions.
That's ridiculous...we are not therapists for these difficult people. It will just drain our enegies. Best to get away from them.
m. taylor it's not therapy, it's only trying to understand where they're coming from, did you not pay attention? Or do you fall in the negative Nancy category?
roooa2312 Don't get derogatory with me. It would seem you are "negative" with your insulting remark. We are not there to change them. You need to be realistic, life and people can't always be positive. Are you a baby expecting therapy from acquaintances?
If someone is perceived as difficult or toxic, let them go through what they are going through. It may even be who they are, so let them be...rather than being controlling and forcing change on others so that you can live in a perfect world.
+Ed Sheerah No, trust me that's just feeding the flame. They will use those hugs & attention as yet another opportunity to condescend & patronize the giver. These people are toxic, they don't have friends for a reason.
m. taylor Yeah I agree it’s not my duty to try and figure out why they’re crazy and I sure as hell ain’t gonna waste my time
For 48 pointless years, I desperately tried to 'win' my mother's love. She was a malignant narcissist & a very dangerous woman. 2 years before she died, I finally had enough & never spoke to her again. I feel no guilt & no regrets. I didn't let her win because today, 6 years later - I remain undamaged & the same bubbly, happy, positive, kind woman I always was. I can SMELL a toxic person from 300 paces away & I NEVER allow them a place in my life. I have had the same big group of beautiful friends since I was 8 & do NOT need or want in my life - negative, self-obsessed, manipulative, needy, jealous, nasty emotional vampires. I didn't get to choose my mother but I do get to choose who I allow into my world. Get rid of toxic people in your life because the more you give - the more they take.
How do u see them coming, I don't, and for that matter how do they see u coming? Its, getting harder to recognise the day walkers aka vampires. There so many different breeds
@@elizesfrancea8361 very social-wise knowing if they're bullies, narcist, egoïstic, social-ladder climbers (Using you as second option so they won't have to stay alone if their friends are gone) etc. People who chose the right friends and not fake ones.
@@elizesfrancea8361 It's very hard but if you don't let yourself get blind by friendship you see them all coming
Well, actually you did choose your mother.
My mother was the same way just awful. She knew the light inside me could never be broken though she tried. No contact with her for a year and no regrets. I hope she finds peace in the Lord but I'm no longer going to try to rescue her.
I don't try to change anyone because I've got better thinks to do. I don't want to control anyone; I just want everyone to acquire self-respect.
how do you deal with someone who is textbook sociopath?
Ruthie Kumar. RUN! NO JOKE! RUN!
Of course these tips sound great in theory, but meanwhile I just think why should I become a private therapist for other people...?
I think the best we can do for toxic people - and for ourselves - is to leave them alone. Then they will be forced to change, if everybody would stay away from them.
I tried too often to support, fix, teach... toxic people, but I decided that I am neither their private therapist, nor their mother, teacher ect.
I know it can sound somewhat disillusioned, but I believe that we can just help ourselves in the end.
We can offer tools, we can offer information, we can offer support, but we all have to have the will to use the support, information and the tools.
i see your point, at times it is even exhausting to try to help these people cause the more you try the less they seem to change
tell me whats going on. are there any issues that are bothering u? :)
Helena Gouveia Point stated was we can't fix or change difficult people. Instead we use skills to effectively deal with them, that speaker pointed out.
Symbolsysteme We aren't being therapists, we are simply using skills (explained by speaker in video) to maneuver when around difficult people, so we don't exhaust ourselves. We are not trying to change or provide therapy.
You' re right, but I think this woman isn't telling us to be therapists, she is giving tips on how to manage difficult people. It's kind of a loving approach, I guess.
My former manager is a tank.
I used Vanessa's trick and it worked on him. Hahahaha! He doesn't even know he's my lab rat. So yes people it works!
Just leave them, end of story
Sometimes you can't.
@Wynn Williams p
@@robertrogers074 EXACTLY...
"What kind of personal passion projects are you working on" she keeps saying that, in other videos too....What a wierd question lol never heard someone ask that, couldn't you just ask like what kind of hobbies are you working on or even just, have any projects your working on?
+Jenna Smithers Cause she wrote a book maybe she's resonating with people who have unique passions. Most people don't. But if you asked her that question she'd be like "aye i wrote a nice book/ i was on youtube etc." . That just resonates with her so you shouldnt judge her
+Jenna Smithers I think she meant it more like an example. I like to ask deeper questions as follow-ups, for instance: "What do you do/what are you studying?" then "What do you like most about it?" You can get specific too. Say if it's a doctor: "What's the coolest case you've encountered?" If it's a blogger: "Who's your favorite author?" You should try it, people are stoked to be asked these kind of questions, and it's a lot more interesting for you, too! :)
Jenna Smithers Sounds like you (me too) just learned of a new skill/tool to use when in situations with difficult personalities. i'm gonna try the passion question to see what happens.
Jenna Smithers she's trying to start a new catch phrase
Remember, we are ALL difficult people. It takes humility to recognize it.
yup! preach it!
Vanessa also said we are all difficult people sometimes and fall under one category. I am a downer in my bad moments. 🤦🏻♀️
My boss is a combination of Better Than, Tank, and a 5 Category which is, "Weirdo." I can't understand weirdos. My kameleonization is quite literal where I camoflauge into the office setting.
Those are very compassionate actions. It feels more like acceptance and support and less like someone, who is different or struggling, could be a burden. I like it. Thank you. Very kind.
I am a complainer from time to time ! but I just feel like todays world is so much about toxic positivity that I am like this is my truth and the world is often fucked up but then they are like u are negative...
So true. Too many fake “positivity” gurus out there. See Barbara Ehrenreich on “Brightsided.”
Well said though! Never try to fix someone - people need to change from within.
A "tank" type person WOULD NOT LIKE BEING ASKED what was bothering them or have they got any issues.....a "Tank" type (controller) would not like anyone to suggest or intimate that they have ANY weaknesses. I personally think it's just a matter of accepting people for who and what they are. Some are loud, some are quiet, some are bossy, some are friendly. Big deal. All of us should be comfortable in our own skins and be just what and who we are. i.e If someone thinks that I'm "beneath" them to talk to, why worry about it...I'll just talk to someone else.
Jjuub
Constantly bringing any and all conversation back to themselves. Bringing a question that was directed at you or someone else back to them! Letting their child be cruel to another child and not doing a damn thing about it. Bringing up gossip about friends who aren't here to defend themselves. One Up-ers--- the people whose problems are MUCH worse than yours and they make sure you know it. Someone who is constantly on their cell , whether it be texting, talking, Facebook....while in your presence. Being overbearing in general. Someone who won't ever look at you when you are talking. An interrupter! Correcting someone mid sentence. Yep all of these and more have happened to me.
When someone complains they are actually looking for advice and help i use to be a complainer and now I am solution focused!I'm proud of that change that I've made.
i just got off work feeling really stressed out, and dealing with a co worker who is a tank, this helped more than you know......thank you
......slowly finding my grace........
I think I often come off as a "better-than", though I'd say that's not really what's going on. When someone tells me a story or expresses an idea, I often respond with a story or idea of my own...not to 1-up them, but to show them that I've comprehended what they're saying and identify with it. Hopefully there's some other subtext that conveys this?
+GeetarAdam You have to understand why the person is telling you the story. If they are telling you good news because they want to share or generally tell you how well that they've done. Just respond to them with 'Good for you,!' Tell me more about how you....etc. If it's a general conversation where you are having an exchange, then you can tell them about your experience.
Stop telling a story after they tell you one unless it's that type of conversation. If they're just telling you something to tell you then say that's great! or congrats and carry on. Don't steal their thunder!
Same, sometimes my stories are more ridiculous too, it seems like I'm trying to 1 up...so then after that happens I usually become bashful and degrade myself in some way...which isn't good for me..🙄 ...being worried about how someone else feels when my intentions weren't evil and then resorting to self punishment is complete self betrayal..
That’s making the story about you and not them. Depending on the context i find it to be tacky and self-absorbed which is not a great quality imo.
@@rlud304 It certainly comes off that way a lot of times, and there's probably, at minimum, at least an aspect of "me-ism" inherent in it. I agree that it's not a great quality. I can see it in others and can likewise see it in myself. I left this comment 6 years ago and have mindfully attempted to grow in some measure since that time. Self-centeredness is very deeply rooted and can, perhaps, never be totally overcome, but can at least be realized and steered toward other goals than the bolstering of one's on ego. I grew up in the country and had only an older sister who had no interest in the games I wanted to play, so my earliest years were primarily "me-centric". I played in the woods and was the captain of all my imaginations. My self-centeredness has been an issue for most of my life, but it's been both bane and boon. I have many people with whom I'm friendly, but only a handful of people whom I'd call true friends. And they know me, warts and all, and can call me on my bullshit, which I admire, appreciate, and respect. My wife...the same. She's never been as impressed with me as I've been with myself, and I love and need those qualities. And here I am in my comment... "I, me, I, me"... can't friggin' win. Lol.
i just ignore everyone and telework, and look at my bank acct each friday.
This is great! I enjoyed how Vanessa shared in details the different types of difficult people and how to get them open up instead of lighting the fire even more. I am a quite person so I definitely can relate when someone tells me to speak up which results in me not even wanting to talk at all.
I'm all 4. Can you make a video on fixing the toxic behaviors?
+Josie Mae HAHAHA this gets me
Lol Downer here
Watch some comedy or do something you enjoy
Mononoke 19
2:24 "you can't try to fix them". I'd say first thing , you should pay attention
Mononoke 19 What needs to change is when we have what we do to others done on to us and to be around difficult people as we are
how do you deal with the better thans? That's the ones I meet the most and the ones that aggravate me.
Throw the proverbial book at them. Better thans hate authority....
Same it is almost impossible to conversate with these types of people. You cant say shit and they are fucken annoying. I am suppose to be impressed or do back flips lol?
Shadow work. Accept and explore the same traits within us. We all have the traits and wounding. We end up projecting something on others
What is a proverbial book?
What I'm curious to know is how to deal with these personalities in a business setting, especially a meeting. You mention an accomplishment, and then someone mentions theirs as a response. You mention an initiative, and a tank has a strong emotional reaction. These are not relationships or situations we can opt out of. Sure, I have my methods to deal with these, but I'm open to more possibilities.
Vanessa your video always attracts me mostly because your style of talking, body language, always smiling face ,charismatic look.
I don't see why you gotta accommodate these people. Like she said, we can all be one of these on our worst day. (I personally believe there are more kinds of toxic people) But regardless, if there are people like this in your life that constantly do this shit, I say drop them. You don't need that in your life
The personal passion project question is a little cliche. I like a lot of the other things mentioned, I would just like to find a synonym for personal passion project that doesn't sound so kitchy.
What excites you, what are your passions? Are you working on anything at the moment?
Everyone in the world would experience some difficult people in their lives, not only you. One way to deal if to ignore the difficult people who're trying to stress you out. If you have some difficulties dealing with mean people, then you should go see the psychologist and take some mental medications to beocme mentally strong enough to shield yourself from the mean people.
It'll completely throw them, at the least.
This video is for all the people who are quick to critize, and how quick to defend themselves without accusing them.
Vanessas are smart.
Vanessa Black Facts 😉
I love this
Everyone can be
With will
Vanessas are also pretty.
Travis Bickle---I'm not a Vanessa, but the Vanessas I see are always pretty.
Ugh. Hate toxic people! I haven't made my debt payments and I get it. But that's all these bank representatives want to talk about.
Emotionally draining!! BAH!!
I guarantee many men have fallen in love with this lady. Beautiful, smart, and classy.
Creeps gonna creep.
Well this is going to make talking to my dad much easier.(He's a tank.)
Thanks Vanessa, very useful information indeed. I watched this video with the self defence class I teach and we all found it useful. Thanks for uploading. I will share with my online groups too!
Crap....I watched this to learn about dealing with 4 types of difficult ppl then realized Im 1 of the 4 she's talking about :( now I need to instead send the link to everyone I know to help deal with my passiveness!
it's ok to be passive as a woman, but it's unacceptable as a man. You don't have anything to worry about
Like she said, you can be any of the 4 types, it depends on the general day which influence you.
lol. love it
Emil Did you really have to say that? :/
Rachel I knew that you are the difficult person! 😆😆😆
Your so right. You cant let others make you toxic
She is Awesome
what is a "personal passion project". It is an americanization and sounds very false to me. If someone asked me that in that way, I would hardly be able to contain myself until I could get away.
This describes some of my relationship with my husband’s family. My husbands elderly sister is the tanker. She is close to his cousin who is the downer and I hate my relationship with them so I’m passive as in I don’t ask them questions back and I answer carefully. I’m the outsider and I am okay with only seeing them on holidays.
I personally wouldn’t want to ask question why do they feel in such a way because i get accused or I become the punching bag for whatever reason they were clearly upset about. Nope. Can’t.
Great information Vanessa thank you!
I feel lost lately with people. Being the new one at work on top of everything else, is hard.. especially in the moment.
The one up person may actually just be trying to bond with you by showing they have something in common with you or know what you're going through. I used to do this a lot and noticed people didn't want to hang out with me much afterwards. Couldn't figure out why at the time. Someone's spouse had cancer I would tell them about how I had cancer 3 times. Someone when to Italy I would tell them about how I lived in Italy and asked them where they went. I wasn't seeing my experiences as better than theirs, I was actually just trying to make friends and was clueless at how terrible I was at it.
This advice only works in social relationships, not when it's your boss
Do you think this can work on customers?
vanessa i watched few of your videos and tell you what YOU and YOUR TIPS are AMAZING. both of you and your tips will change everyone's life for the better :) thank you so much for sharing!
Boundaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is interesting to know there are four different types of difficult people. I liked how there were solutions to try to communicate with them.
Vanessa please look into the Enneagram types, and you will see half of what you are saying about traits, and the tank for example would be a type 8, it will fall very nicely into your line of work. I highly recommend the books and not only can you get books to explain the nine different personality types you can get books that help the growth of your personality and those are pretty interesting too because we can often fall down a dark path in our lives so being able to get back the best version of yourself is soo rewarding and you are there, writing a book, coming on doing talks you want to help people and give them the information they need to better themselves, this is when you are at your most healthiest.
I cannot think of one person who is only 'one' of the mentioned.... I have always met those unworthies with 3 or more types together... it is a bit too simplified... (talking my heart out; nothing else; as a human even m subjected to error)
Your So Good!!
She could and should create a great educational curriculum for junior high, high school students on social behaviors and tolerance.
I work with my father he is very cynical emotional and negative I think he fits in the tank category we bump heads because I believe you create you own reality with you thoughts and words.
another thumps up for Miss van Edwards ,it really helps me pinpoint some pers issues. thank you Passionate Patty !
Vanessa, you are simply awesome! I have learned so much from just watching your clip on here! :)
They don't give her long enough spots on this show. I'd love to hear her talk about this in more detail.
I can't fix them is what I have earlier concluded. So true... Great Vids thanks!
omg! where have you been before? finally I have found something useful in internet :)
It sounded like she said that the best way to deal with difficult people is to avoid them whenever possible. I would argue that this is the opposite of dealing with a person.
poisonhemlock She´s so right about it. "Distance" is the best way to deal with them.
poisonhemlock did u miss the part where she talked about understanding?
I jusr realizes im a tank not sma sad person but emotions take over me and control n angery
Great advice will definitely try to use this.
Narcissists are the worst. They lie, cheat and manipulate and have to be the center of attention in groups of people. They get loud so they can take over a situation. So frustrating. I work with a woman like this and she always gets her way because no one wants to deal with her.
Great advice ! Thank you Vanessa 🌹🎄👏👍
I know someone that falls under all of the 4 differant types. And of all the ppl ,it must be my father.
Wow, she never runs out of new stuff, but more importantly, it always seems relevant, interesting and useful. Oh, and btw, what she says about not encouraging is so true. I know this person who always tells me to smile in photos and guess what the result is.
I’ll just continue just being me and showing Love to all, can’t change the world.
What about people that are "anchors"? The ones that leech off people and sometimes bring other people down, even if you throw them a life raft or dive in to save them. They just continue holding onto that anchor. They could be perfectly normal, amiable people but they have one life problem/habit they can't drop.
I really have problems with one ups. It can be challenging when you have to deal with this person quite often. I have no clue how to deal with this person and they drain me everytime I go around that person.
And what about those who just make fun of you - which category will you put them in?
And whatever you say they twist it and laugh at you, what then?
Why adjust? Walk away... seems the common theme of all 4 is that they are selfish.
I am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my UA-cam channel, so I get excited when I see people spreading positivity. 💙❤
When you have kids all this advice only goes so far but thank you for sharing!
Worse person is the angry tank combined with no verbal communication regardless of your intentions or personality
So if a tank is an asshole.. we are just supposed to accept that ?
I know a person who is passive all the time, but when they get mad they turn in to a tank. At the same time they can be a conversational monopolizer.
1 downers, negative, complain a lot
2 better, one up (they feel less than others), usually want to.know all
3 passives, dont make decissions, one word answer (they feel unworthy)
4 tanks, really angry, control freak, emotional
Try to understand them, dont fix them.
Find there value language, what drives them.
What is going on for you, what personal passion project are you on?
Make sure they are not toxic for you. Have boundaries. Only talk to the person for a while.
Tanks have subjects you cant talk to them about, they get very angry.
hearing this i have met someone who is a debbie downer and a tank ,and a drama queen who back stabs everyone in the work place.She talks about people what they"ve done that i don"t want to know about because they"re my friends and i'm agreeing with this person because she could ruin my reputation by talking about me behind my back.She is very popular.people love her she"s very sly and cunning i just hope she is found out on her own that talking about people will be karma eventually!
How about no. I don't agree on having to bend to accommodate others and especially their bad behaviour, some of these sound like adults having tantrums and being bullies. Call a bully out they will back down. Stand up for yourself and that doesn't mean being aggressive about it either.
just discovered your videos and am loving all of this! learning so much thank you!
You are helping me so much thank you
I am a huge fan of your videos. Please keep teaching us more and more! :)
wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe you saw my comment and replied to me!!!!!!! This made my day. Thank you Ma'am. Keep enlightening us! :) :) :) :)
What if you don't want to deal with anyone's crap? I feel so drained all the time. Empath's life... The struggle is very real.
I hear you Jenny! 👍🏾 I'm an empath too and sensitive to energies, so I understand how draining it can be. Have you looked into ways to shift your energy? Once I learned this, I felt so much better! 🤗 My #MakingMovesMotivation video on 'How to SHIFT YOUR ENERGY IN 4 SIMPLE STEPS' might be helpful for you: ua-cam.com/video/rMdwNRWmOgc/v-deo.html 💖💎
My grandparent is a tank, dealing with her has been a nightmare at times. It just the way she talks to me is so dehumanizing, I'm not allowed to disagree with anything she says and my problem don't mean anything to her. All she seems to care about is my dad and herself at times and its so frustrating.
what about the gossiper, like at work?
Anoud Zaki I don't engage in gossiping with gossipers. Discovered hard way that gossip and slander are self-defeating. I find reason to leave. As in, RUN!
Great vid. Loved the info.
Some people ar so difficult an never listen sometimes I just wish to be de same way as their so dey can understand wat am going through
One of my teachers is a “better than” type of person. And a know it all
What would you recommend I can do for myself for being passive. I’m aware the type of control I’d like to have in relationships and it doesn’t bring out the qualities I want people to see in me. Maybe for a brief time but then I begin this cycle I find difficult to break
I love "value language". Definitely found value in your video.
Sheiiitzzz my friend is a combination of all of these types. I'm dying here!
Thank you for sharing this video with us.
I'd like to see a video on: how to know if you are a toxic person and how to change
I have the most stubborn brother and I get really frustrated with him but as a very good older sister, I would just let him be.
thanks for the wisdom....its uplifting.:)
I'm the passive one and I am extremely shy to the extreme!
A friend of mine gets moody at the best of times and he admits that he's a grumpy old man.
why isn't this gal on national TV with her own show? Besides being extremely presentable (gorgeous), she's interesting and intelligent.
How about I don’t talk to them at all?