I think I'm missing one line but I can't find it anywhere, it was about not agitating and testing around some other people that showed up or something edit: this video belongs on my archival channel but i'm just gonna leave it here anyway
Was it "If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them."? I'm pretty sure that line is only said by the announcer (and GLaDOS in an unused clip).
Imagine being a Black Mesa employee, and finding out your rivals managed to create multi-dimensional travel decades before you even began work on teleportation.
1. I hope they made that the last line Simmons recorded 2. The fate of Johnson is known. Aperture Desk job tells us this! It would be funny if he was in that universe tho 😅 3. I wanna be in the universe with portal 3 😂
Say what you want about Cave. At least his teleportation technology never caused an alien invasion that led to the whole world becoming one giant dystopia.
Nah it did. Just at some differing point in the infinite multiverse. Probably the same damn one where G-Man is getting constantly hunted by a renegade Chell while Gordon is input into the GlaDOS system. Or it might be the one with "goopy" people.
To be fair, the resonance cascade was orchestrated by an interdimensional businessman, so we'd just say that Black Mesa was just a pawn in the equation.
"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."
"do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We havent nailed down exactly what element it is but i'll tell ya this, its a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton"
I like the idea of Pure Intellect Cave being in that Portal 1 GLaDOS with the tiny little head and the voice coming out of it just being normal not robotized Cave voice.
ever since i watched gravity falls i can't disconnect these two characters bc they share a voice actor (jk simmons voiced both stanford pines and cave johnson) so listening to this is REALLY funny to me
im literally jyst about to rewatch this whole video but imagining cave johnson as ford, and of his assistants as fiddlford, and ball just making random appearances
@@A_Funne_Boi Resources, Space, Energy production, the Multiverse is usefull for pratically anything. That's why i would love if GLaDOS appeared at any point in Half-Life, she would be so DAMN powerful.
First movie: "Hey, Wallace! Press the green button for me!" Second movie: "My name is Wheatley, but you can call me the Turret King." Third movie: "Alright, whose damn lemons are these!? Life's!?"
It's subtle but Cave starts off fairly amicable and assuring the testers. Also has plans in place if something goes wrong. Later, when Apeture starts struggling, he gets more brusque and dismissive and the tests get more dangerous. Then he starts ranting to himself more and more and insulting people.
Portal 2 really is one of the best games ever. Watching those commercials just made me remember how amazing that time was. Last real game Valve released before near silence for a decade. Cave Johnson's writing makes me want them to make a million more before JK Simmons passes. The idea of a company who was making stuff so advanced but never came out because they were so concerned with testing that they went bankrupt before they could. They were so far ahead that they had portals in the 60s while black mesa had a much worse version 40 years later. So excited for them to explore this universe more.
4:30 "trace amounts of time travel" might be my second favorite bit, just behind the infamous "lemons" rant Edit: Also 8:48 "Beard dirt" as a single off-hand line is amazing
@@odessa745 Cave Johnson and JJJ arguing about conspiracy theories "There are only so many ways to work with stone! Of course ancient humans could stack up rocks without help!" "ATLANTIS PEOPLE BUILT THE PYRAMIDS-"
That first timestamp; Him going from the playful tone and IMMEDIATELY into the aggressive approach destroys me every time. How Simmons got through it is a conundrum to me
God, I love VALVe when they actually make games. Portal 2 was one of their best games they had ever made. Very good story, voice acting, they pushed the engine to its limits, beautiful lighting, the chamber building was great and the dialogue was definitely one of my favorite parts of this game.
favorite timestamps: 15:29 sad little octopus 15:54 i am literally in the future 16:58 were all very proud of greg. oh and you. 17:13 minute of silence 17:54 cloud leeches off caves skin 18:35 license to kill 18:58 soylent green 19:47 robota-cop 20:14 gregs tragic life 20:21 faster than light 21:22 cave gets shived 23:17 no windows 24:03 actual jumpscare from the lovely blärkbaŕg 24:30 HEY. STOP BLOWING UP HEADS. 25:15 junior cj 25:42 i seee you.. i see ur little feeeet 26:03 gregs creepy kid 28:36 if you said busting ghosts; tragically youd be wrong. 30:03 apature paranormal 31:36 kitty cat cave 33:38 cavena johnson 34:21 if ya see that one, will ya punch him in the throat for me? 34:38 ending up on earth prime 1 again 34:54 virtually rooting for the sick boy 😭 36:17 WE GOT A CONVOYYY 36:42 alt cave sent wasps 37:01 the frozen piss block.. 37:36 STOP IMPOSTING 38:06 dark cave lauhin 41:02 greg has tiny teeth
@@KangarooJay Man, I've completed Portal 2 a few times, even the co-op with a friend, but I have never heard of this Lore from custom Community levels.
@@erikpng no, if the level wasn't made with a Source level editor, it just follows a certain order so it makes sense since some are related to the previous one
I literally convinced myself this wasn't JK Simmons because it would have been so random for him to be in a Portal game. Everything he says is funny, even if it isn't meant to be.
Cave is the embodiment of businessman of his time, never listens to what his employees has to say, sees everyone and everything as expendable, constantly believe they’re too big to fail even when making poor financial decisions, and very difficult to talk to if you work for him
@@3DFella чортова Мерзенна Свиня, я повинен був би кинути тебе під гусениці російських педиків, перш ніж реактивний снаряд "смерчу" рознесе тебе до всіх чортів
I am BEGGING valve to release the Multiverse Portal 3. Give it that switch mechanic from titanfall 2 as a third portal bound to middle click. Maybe a scroll wheel.
I think I'm missing one line but I can't find it anywhere, it was about not agitating and testing around some other people that showed up or something
edit: this video belongs on my archival channel but i'm just gonna leave it here anyway
Well done though!
Valve gave us over an hour and a half of Cave content last year lol
gotta update it eventually
Cave cube? Also, Caroline's "Mr. Johnson I don't want this" - both of these were unused in the final game
Was it "If groups of hunter-gatherers appear to have made this - or any - test chamber their home, DO NOT AGITATE THEM. Test through them."? I'm pretty sure that line is only said by the announcer (and GLaDOS in an unused clip).
Protect JK Simmons at all costs.
No need, Cave's already immortal. 😎
He has a laser cannon in Mount Rushmore, which is plenty of protection
@@brickcraftproductions3065 omg lmao... So Cave Johnson is now President Ackerman?
Bro have you SEEN him? Dudes fucking jacked. I think he can protect himself lmfao
@@pifflesomepuffnadder855well, some of him are. i think cave prime canonically dies of moon poisoning.
Imagine being a Black Mesa employee, and finding out your rivals managed to create multi-dimensional travel decades before you even began work on teleportation.
I keep wondering who the mole was...or did they just figure out Mr. Johnson's password..
And then they rename your facility "Laperture"
This sounds like the whole “prime Rick” “c 137” Rick and Morty thing 😂
And its the same company that injected gasoline into peoples blood and took apart hobos with no apparent goal
Imagine being an aperture employee and finding out one of your rival's employees singe handedly stopped the apocalypse
I love how literally the last thing you ever hear him say is "Cave Johnson, we're done here"
What's funnier, is the fact it's only AFTER they find the infinite money universe he just disappears LMAO Talk about a good businessman!
1. I hope they made that the last line Simmons recorded 2. The fate of Johnson is known. Aperture Desk job tells us this! It would be funny if he was in that universe tho 😅 3. I wanna be in the universe with portal 3 😂
Say what you want about Cave. At least his teleportation technology never caused an alien invasion that led to the whole world becoming one giant dystopia.
Nah it did. Just at some differing point in the infinite multiverse. Probably the same damn one where G-Man is getting constantly hunted by a renegade Chell while Gordon is input into the GlaDOS system. Or it might be the one with "goopy" people.
Honestly, say what you want about Aperture-at least THEY kept their disasters contained to the building.
Yeah atleast Black Mesa had milk, father figure, bitches, good memes, H.E.V, and funding from the U.S.
@Solitaire-enjoyer
They're out to destroy EVERY universe where lemons have ever existed.
To be fair, the resonance cascade was orchestrated by an interdimensional businessman, so we'd just say that Black Mesa was just a pawn in the equation.
"Say goodbye Caroline"
"Goodbyeee Caroline! 😊"...
"She is a gem!"
😂😂😂😂😂😂
"Goodbye Caroline..."
She is very personable
@@trial_with_an_error9687 "Goodbye...sir.."
@@trial_with_an_error9687GLaDOS: Goodbye **short pause** Caroline
Irrelevant, but 666 upvotes
"Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash."
goat talk
He is so quotable
"How good is our science? Get a load of this! I'm
D E A D."
I mean... Cave's not wrong.
9:51
here’s the life and lemons monologue
thank you
Not the same without GLaDOS cheering him on lol
“Lab boys” Bean Counters”
When you’re the boss you can use whatever terms you want to describe people beneath you
"do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We havent nailed down exactly what element it is but i'll tell ya this, its a lively one and it does not like the human skeleton"
Cave Johnson just preventing half life
I'd imagine he fired Gordon Freeman, poor Gordon
@@davisdf3064 Then he got a new job… at McDonald’s. G-Man visited once and said..
“I told you there were unforeseen consequences, Dr.freeman..”
@@davisdf3064
Oh please, Gordon’s a genius who doesn’t give a single shit about OSHA violations. He’d probably be Cave’s star scientist
Gordon Freeman will immediately get fired for being late so many times.
Or is he the true leader of the combine in the multi verses......
My favorite line:
"They told me to not do pre-recorded messages, that gave me a idea, MAKE MORE PRE-RECORDED MESSAGES"
Same with "That's a Elevator, not a Bathroom." XD
I genuinely did not know that they got J. K. Simmons to voice Cave Johnson. I thought it was just someone who sounded exactly like him.
🤣🤣🤣…I knew it him immediately! ❤❤
I like the idea of Pure Intellect Cave being in that Portal 1 GLaDOS with the tiny little head and the voice coming out of it just being normal not robotized Cave voice.
Explains why he wants to scratch his nose so badly
explains Aperture Desk Job quite well.
ever since i watched gravity falls i can't disconnect these two characters bc they share a voice actor (jk simmons voiced both stanford pines and cave johnson) so listening to this is REALLY funny to me
Wait he voiced STANFORD PINES?
@@Queen_Miku HE DID
@@PH0B0PH1L1A I never knew-
im literally jyst about to rewatch this whole video but imagining cave johnson as ford, and of his assistants as fiddlford, and ball just making random appearances
@@JustADoodle00 I keep imagining that cave is gonna ask his employees to get him photos of spooder man
Im just realizing the 2 alternate testers were probably Atlas and P-Body cuz of the high five taunt they have.
Wich means that the GLaDOS that we all know and love probably also has access to the Multiverse
@@davisdf3064 wonder what she needs the multiverse for?
@@A_Funne_Boi
Resources, Space, Energy production, the Multiverse is usefull for pratically anything.
That's why i would love if GLaDOS appeared at any point in Half-Life, she would be so DAMN powerful.
@@davisdf3064 in fact, Cave Johnson talked about black mesa. so GlaDos could appear
@@A_Funne_Boi poker
31:26
...
ummh ... I think he went through too many parallel universes issues
Erik Wolpaw, lead writer on Portal 2, is such a comedic genius
He also wrote half life 2 episode one and episode two and half life alyx. His writing is amazing
@@isomericgamer6644And he also wrote one of the best brainy platformers of all time.
Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test.
That's asbestos.
The dark humor in portal is great. That line had me wheezing the first time I heard it.
@@nonameman7114Much like asbestos.
@@nonameman7114oh no.
@@nonameman7114 I have something to tell you
The announcer pack for Dota 2 has more lines of Cave Johnson than all of Portal 2 lol
Cave Johnson: Enter the Portalverse
Cave Johnson: Across the Portalverse
Cave Johnson: Beyond the Portalverse
Those movies were so damn good.
First movie: "Hey, Wallace! Press the green button for me!"
Second movie: "My name is Wheatley, but you can call me the Turret King."
Third movie: "Alright, whose damn lemons are these!? Life's!?"
@@BaxterAndLunala Third movie post credit scene: "OW OW OW SHIT SHIT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!! WRITE THIS DOWN!!! HOT HOT OW!!!"
_Cave Johnson: Portalverse of Combustible Lemons Madness_
Imagine discovering the multiverse as a capitalistic endeavour
19:27 “Don’t make me call the dance police.” 😂
It's subtle but Cave starts off fairly amicable and assuring the testers. Also has plans in place if something goes wrong.
Later, when Apeture starts struggling, he gets more brusque and dismissive and the tests get more dangerous.
Then he starts ranting to himself more and more and insulting people.
I cannot stop associating that voice with J Jonah Jameson.
Same VA
They are both JK simmons and work their employee to death so yeah you can't
@@aiherepliaboth are based tho
I think of Stanford Pines.
I associate with Terrence Fletcher "Are you rushing or dragging?"
29:50 Noooo... they cancled GLaDOS..
“Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you!”
I can’t believe no one is talking about Stanford pines
Portal 2 really is one of the best games ever. Watching those commercials just made me remember how amazing that time was. Last real game Valve released before near silence for a decade.
Cave Johnson's writing makes me want them to make a million more before JK Simmons passes. The idea of a company who was making stuff so advanced but never came out because they were so concerned with testing that they went bankrupt before they could. They were so far ahead that they had portals in the 60s while black mesa had a much worse version 40 years later. So excited for them to explore this universe more.
Black Mesa probably got portals a little bit earlier than 40 years, judging by the state of the old prototype labs in Blue Shift
@@tpd1864blake but is blue shift canon?
@tricursor2481 I remember my friend telling me that everything Valve makes is canon. If that's true, then yes.
ua-cam.com/video/jFNUUtrBSmU/v-deo.html (this video is about opposing force, not blue shift, but they're both gearbox expansions)
@@Sacren365 but Valve didnt make opposing force or blue shift. These were externally developed spin offs.
"Thank you! I can't believe in thanking these people..."
27:14. Probably one of my favorite Caves(Johnson's? Cave Johnson's? Ah who cares, point is he is one of the best)
My favourite is the Roach one that tested the homo-sapiens injection.
@@allanchoy1386He was a mantis, but I hear you
Every line is pure gold in both writing and delivery what a treat
15:29
Simmons is a legend
Yes he is. A meme legend as well (because of J. Jonah Jameson's laugh). :)
25:32 He was so scared he didn’t even tell people to get back to work
Me when there's a Radscorpion or Mole Rat attack in Fallout Shelter
This guy was really cool!
Too bad the funky space rocks got him
4:30 "trace amounts of time travel" might be my second favorite bit, just behind the infamous "lemons" rant
Edit: Also 8:48 "Beard dirt" as a single off-hand line is amazing
Damn, they knew asbestos was bad in the 40s, thats crazy
JK Simmons is freaking incredible.
I feel like Jay Jonah Jameson would get along with Cave
Any of those dimensions got pictures of spiderman?
@@shaeisgae8952
Spider-Man with combustible lemons rushing or dragging the Fire Nation attack?
Nah JJJ is a conspiracy theorist, probably anti-science
@@odessa745 Cave Johnson and JJJ arguing about conspiracy theories
"There are only so many ways to work with stone! Of course ancient humans could stack up rocks without help!"
"ATLANTIS PEOPLE BUILT THE PYRAMIDS-"
9:13
Ignore me I just need the time stamp for when my monologue starts
This was much needed.
Just a little Fun Fact: Cave Johnson and Ford Pines (Gravity Falls) are both voice acted by J.K. Simmons
how did jk simons not kill himself from these quotes
25:43
31:26
That first timestamp; Him going from the playful tone and IMMEDIATELY into the aggressive approach destroys me every time. How Simmons got through it is a conundrum to me
Personal Favourite series of lines
2:10 - 4:10
JK Simmons is a literal treasure. The Man is sarcasm made manifest.
Think he was just riffing? 😂😂
" Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest"
God, I love VALVe when they actually make games. Portal 2 was one of their best games they had ever made. Very good story, voice acting, they pushed the engine to its limits, beautiful lighting, the chamber building was great and the dialogue was definitely one of my favorite parts of this game.
Tiny microchip about the size of a postcard
25:31 One of my favorite Cave Johnson voice lines
*S T O P*
*I M P O S T I N G*
NEVER
Oh, you stubborn... handsome devil.
37:30
22:07 is my favourite part.
It's my favorite too! I was laughing when I first heard it in one of the custom maps!
Mantis Cave Johnson sounds like a demon
12:20 oh they did sone play tests to know people would stab eachover in the back
i genuinely watched this whole video
I feel like Cave is Rick but much more civilized, he invented inter-dimensional travel and inject a bunch of people with praying mantis DNA
He's a coke head instead of a drunk
22:07 This line gives me the chills
35:58: He clearly has seen the Roland Emmerich Tristar Godzilla film.
"just try to get close to that baby. Your Funeral. Cave Johnson" 😂😭😂😂 14:13
addicted to this man's voice lately. he gave me the impression of a humorous and easy-going head manager inside a science facility
what a nice guy
You are indeed a horrible person. And an autist. Dont blame, I am too
25:43 IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS
Gross
@@kylethejudge lmao
IT FEELS LIKE A BOJACK LINE WHAT DOES THIS LINE MEAN I FEEL LIKE HE JUST PUT IT IN TO BE FUNNY OR SMTHING
i was scrolling through the comments wondering if someone was gonna say something about it
@@Dutchguy666TH Idk why no one is talking about it lmao
Those lines about the sentient cloud not liking having its picture taken and 'consuming' people is awfully nope-like
Aperture is basically if soldier tf2 owned a science company
Completely wild throwing literally anything for *✨ SCIENCE ✨*
favorite timestamps:
15:29 sad little octopus
15:54 i am literally in the future
16:58 were all very proud of greg. oh and you.
17:13 minute of silence
17:54 cloud leeches off caves skin
18:35 license to kill
18:58 soylent green
19:47 robota-cop
20:14 gregs tragic life
20:21 faster than light
21:22 cave gets shived
23:17 no windows
24:03 actual jumpscare from the lovely blärkbaŕg
24:30 HEY. STOP BLOWING UP HEADS.
25:15 junior cj
25:42 i seee you.. i see ur little feeeet
26:03 gregs creepy kid
28:36 if you said busting ghosts; tragically youd be wrong.
30:03 apature paranormal
31:36 kitty cat cave
33:38 cavena johnson
34:21 if ya see that one, will ya punch him in the throat for me?
34:38 ending up on earth prime 1 again
34:54 virtually rooting for the sick boy 😭
36:17 WE GOT A CONVOYYY
36:42 alt cave sent wasps
37:01 the frozen piss block..
37:36 STOP IMPOSTING
38:06 dark cave lauhin
41:02 greg has tiny teeth
9:50 POV: You came here for this
omni man as human was still overpowered
if i had a quarter for each time J. K. Simmons played a weird scientist i’d have two quarters, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice
35:20
One my favorite lines of his.
9:51 someone put this into the omiman speach
Someone already did, before this video was even uploaded
How do you put a superconductor on "full blast?"
Science
Pee on it.
very carefully
One possibility is maximum magnetic field & max current through the superconductor. But Cave probably images some portal science gobbledygook
Intel
"I'm gonna burn your house down with lemons!"... i think he lost his shit xD
Imagine how confused the scientists were when they heard that message
Anyone tried adding voice lines from "Whiplash" ?
Imagine falling into old aperature and hearing, "Why are you looking down there, theres no mars bar"
That would be cool
It's weird how he never ran into the combine considering they're all about concurring worlds and he went into several
"Sorry fellas, she's married, to science!"
I CAN NEVER WIN, CAROLINE I LOVE YOU AAAAA-
lol. 18:27 Codeword. If I say, Chariots, Zero. (after he says Chariots for the first time, rewind 5 seconds with left arrow key)
I don't get it
@@deendeen9584 same
Blixer pfp lol
"I will burn this planet down.
WITH LEMONS!"
This brings me so much joy!
Next he’s gonna start demanding pictures of Spider Man, telling Mark to think, and trying to kill Bill Cipher
REAL
To be fair, they are all voiced by JK Simmons (Cave Johnson).
And telling a drummer it’s not quite his tempo.
@@Intelligence_Core3 That’s quite likely the joke behind the comment.
33:08 When someone spoils an anime you are watching.
Do NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.
Say goodbye Caroline.
Goodbye, Caroline!
She is a gem.
JK Simmons was the absolute best choice for Cave Johnson!
“You’ll know when the tests start” 🦗🦗🦗🦗
9:50 Cave Johnson after finding out his Star Fox game is broken
I love how cave johnson cared to tell them to get out of the building fast
15:47 and so forth, where are all these lines from?
they are for the custom player levels on the workshop
@@KangarooJay Man, I've completed Portal 2 a few times, even the co-op with a friend, but I have never heard of this Lore from custom Community levels.
@@DowaHawkiin levels that use Hammer (the Source level editor) directly or the BEE2 mod can change it
@@KangarooJayso I was always wondering… can players just place whichever voicelines they want?
@@erikpng no, if the level wasn't made with a Source level editor, it just follows a certain order so it makes sense since some are related to the previous one
No wonder Portal has such great comedy 😂
I literally convinced myself this wasn't JK Simmons because it would have been so random for him to be in a Portal game. Everything he says is funny, even if it isn't meant to be.
He is Jk simmons
This is the funniest shit I have listened to in a long time.
"ehm guys, why is there a test subject with its head inside out?"
"its only inside out from *your* perspective."
Cave is the embodiment of businessman of his time, never listens to what his employees has to say, sees everyone and everything as expendable, constantly believe they’re too big to fail even when making poor financial decisions, and very difficult to talk to if you work for him
33:37 cavena johnson 37:35 we stopped the evil johnson youd like to think that damn it
Science isn't about "why?". It's about "WHY NOT?"!
31:33 The Black Mesa Part
33:37
This has aged like fine wine 😂
Unfortunately
Based Cavina Johnson says trans rights 🏳️⚧️🗣️
@@3DFella чортова Мерзенна Свиня, я повинен був би кинути тебе під гусениці російських педиків, перш ніж реактивний снаряд "смерчу" рознесе тебе до всіх чортів
37:40 subliminal message future reference.
Took me 2 hours to get through this. There are so many lines I had to back up and hear again. ❤
Ironic but fitting the universe where Cave buys Black Mesa is the one where the earth doesn't end
Chariots Chariots
j. jonah jameson
CAVE JOHNSON IS SECRETLY IN SPIDERMAN???????????????
„Cave Johnson here, introducing the Perfect addon to the Portal gun. The over-pressurized pillow!“
I am BEGGING valve to release the Multiverse Portal 3. Give it that switch mechanic from titanfall 2 as a third portal bound to middle click. Maybe a scroll wheel.
Same voice actor as Stanford btw. ISTG he would say all of this.