One thing I can share is that, yesterday, my 4 yo was teasing my 7 yo, and really got to her nerves, as he always do with his siblings. Everyone was over him like "stop it", "stop doing that", but then I did something I don't usually do. Instead of being annoyed and pulling him away from his sister, I started to play with him. And he just stopped going at his sibling. And after just 2 minutes, he was "satisfied". What I mean by telling you this is that restless behavior is, in my experience, driven up by a lack of attention. Sounds obvious, right? And it is. But when you're tired as many parents are, you've worked all day and you just want a quite evening, chances are that you're not in the mood for play. But then chances are also that the less attention you want to give your kids, the more they're going to fight amongst each other.
Thank you! I was just talking to my husband about this yesterday! Cause our kids fight ALL the time and I’m tired of being a referee! Thanks for your advise!
The Response Cost bag is WORKING! Not just for fighting, we use it for everything. Being consistent, smiling, & letting them enjoy the rewards left over are key to efficiency. Brilliant!! Thanks Vicki & Dr. Paul!
fighting is mostly connected to feelings that want to get out. if you presure that away, what's your opinion what will happen next? I do not agree, that adding these Kind of pressure on top can solve the need thats behind the fight. asking/ looking behind those fighting scenes an answering the need of the Kid ist an alternative to stop fighting. try that. I am sure you will find need baswd reasons in your kids behavior that should bei answered anyhow...
Man I love you guys!!!! Such a game changer. Your guidance, your awesome way of explaining. Your warmth emits. Thank you thank you thank you. For those who are reading , do yourself a favour and join the "Parenting Power Up" your kids will thank you later...
I'm a 14 year old eldest sibling and I just wanna say thank you since I have 2 younger siblings that are always fighting, I'm not sure if this will work but I'll try
Thank you for this. I have been dealing with my 8 year old son and my soon to be 5 year old daughter. Hitting eachother with link n logs, coat hangers and biting lately! They do it when I go to the bathroom or try to cook a meal. I am finding it difficult because I haven't been able to clean in two weeks because of their behavior. I needed this. I will give this a chance. The world needs more educated people teaching things like this. You both rock.
This is so good! I love the idea of a response cost and modeling the correct behavior. We've been using the "when you can talk to me the way I'm talking to you..." approach for a while, with great results! We're expecting baby #4 any day now, so we're definitely on the prowl for advice that can help us maintain a positive spirit and foster cooperation in our home. Thanks, as always, for your excellent advice. :)
Ok I must admit im confused. As a parent I hate when my kids fight and argue, but as a child it seemed that's all me and my siblings wanted to do. We made some pretty funny memories that are just priceless now.
I would just like to first thank you for this video. Clear, easy to follow, and I was able to clearly and directly talk to my family.. smiling the whole time.. today was the first time coming across your videos.. Kids where very responsive to all discussed in this video.. and the wife liked it to.. Thank you so much
I actually need this cus my cousin's sibling kept fighting all the time... It was fine at first but when i get involved, they wont stop arguing :( .... I dont feel like talking to them anymore..
From a parent's point of view, what you're saying may make sense. But from a sibling's, no. By keeping reward/candies away from them, you are achieving your bottom line--keeping them from fighting. But the thing that causes them to fight each other, the thought, is still there and will be repressed. Then guess what happens? Anger, resentment, and huge outbursts. The siblings will hate each other inside. Let kids express themselves and dedicated parents also try to address the kids' concerns & thoughts by talking to them and guiding them.
Good point, choudhury shadmani. As a parent, we need to teach our children how to communicate their discontent in a way that is safe for everyone and they know they are being heard. They also need to be taught conflict-resolution. Still, fighting should have consequences. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
A few years back, I had minus from pocket money for fighting. It was always the other's fault and they had to hit when the other sat on their face etc etc. Would you take from both children? Even if you suspect one purposely provoked the other to push them over the edge? Or when a sensitive child with trouble regulating their temper flies at a sibling who walks past and grins?
In cases like that, I would not take it from both children, Rachel Nise. If someone is inciting the reaction, they need to be taught that is not peaceful or helpful.
Great video, but...it IS OK to fight, isn't it? Fighting with their sibling can potentially teach kids so much about human interaction in general, and conflict resolution in particular. Shouldn't we allow them (and ourselves) to voice their anger and grievances and to experience conflicts, in the safe setting of home, and maybe just gently direct them toward independent problem solving? (easier said than done, I know)
Not to the point they are pulling knives at each other every other week fighting for their lives because they know their sibling could do anything in rage or accidentally. Not to that extent. Please help me. Like actually...
Problem solving and fighting are different things, reallifelove. Encourage working out problems through talk and give and take, that is not hitting and name calling.
Terry Ellis, They are yours until you start the bag again. There is a time limit on the bag, normally it is one day but could be longer. It could be for the duration of the doctor visit or church or something else. It goes back in your stash to be used the next time.
hi Dr Paul! thanks for the video! but what about when one of the kids provoked the other kid so much that he/she eventually started the fight? should i take sides? punish them both?
carolina fernandes, probably both, but from different angles. The one being provoked needs to learn to fortify himself to stand up to what is happening or find ways to disengage. The perpetrator needs to be disciplined.
Yes! Best advise! You two rock! Always a video on what I need when I need it. Funny how it happens that way. Thank you! These rules are going to be on a board hanging in my house today! Question about opportunity cost. What of the child depletes the reserve earlier in the week and there's nothing left to take?? Should I start off with more than and gradually move to less? Kinda hard to take what's already been taken.
_rules_ Respect yourself and others ~No hitting, biting, or hating yourself Respect Property ~Anything that is owned by someone, taking something from someone else Cooperate and Obey ~(not fighting= obeying) -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x Other things Reponce cost Plastic bag and Name Put 10 things they like -get it on ____day -no nagging
I don't know what you have tried. If she walks away does that mean the fight is over? I would suggest our parentingpowerup.com or a membership to go.liveonpurposecentral.com. We have forums where you can discuss specific examples there.
Me and my brother got to fighting over food I was just playing with him and he got mad and push me I told him to stop because I’m older than him and than he hit me again so we started fighting
Preston Lands, I think it's awesome that you want to have a better relationship with your brother. Here is some general advice: be respectful to him, even if you don't think he deserves it. Tell yourself that you are a respectful person and become that way. Let the little things go. If it's not a big deal, don't worry about it. If there is a difficult situation, then remain calm, try to find solutions, and don't let yourself get riled up. Practice gratitude: look for things in your brother that you appreciate. You don't even have to let him know, but simply looking for them will help you see him in a better light. (However saying thank you once in a while might help the relationship.) And lastly, forgive; don't hold on to past grievances. People make mistakes, even intentionally. No one is perfect. To help you learn how to forgive, I recommend this video: "How To Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry" - ua-cam.com/video/RxxmKXQKoOQ/v-deo.html Thanks for watching Live On Purpose TV.
Inspiringer, there will always be some conflict with people we are in close proximity with but hopefully we can work together to lessen the fighting and learn how to get along.
Completely disagree here. Fighting is necessary between brothers and sisters. It's normal, natural and healthy; even a little physical altercation is fine. How do I know? Because I have experience with the most intimate of siblings you can possibly have: a twin... conflict early in life with mom or dad watching in the background, is good. Allowing children to fight will allow them to develop real and practical human interaction skills through their actions and the consequences of them. Am I saying to let your kids pull knives and guns on each other? No, of course not. But a few names being called and scrapes on their bodies won't do them any real lasting harm
Ocelot923, thank you for sharing. I agree that figuring out how to resolve conflict is good, it isn't good to choose to fight all the time with someone.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV No rational human being fights "all the time", not even siblings. But if there's going to be conflict, let it be. They need to learn how to work out their problems on their own. Interfering at every turn does more harm than good. And if things get too serious, step in
I disagree with you. I hate my sibling because of all that you mentioned. I don't like to fight at all, I liked to negotiate. My sibling like to argue, scream, whine and complain. Nope, I got out of there the moment I could.
Thanks so much for this video. I’m going to use all the rules. My both sons fight all the time driving me crazy.
It can feel like we are going bonkers, sinsubra.
Mine also.😦
Its not always sons fault .
One thing I can share is that, yesterday, my 4 yo was teasing my 7 yo, and really got to her nerves, as he always do with his siblings. Everyone was over him like "stop it", "stop doing that", but then I did something I don't usually do. Instead of being annoyed and pulling him away from his sister, I started to play with him.
And he just stopped going at his sibling. And after just 2 minutes, he was "satisfied".
What I mean by telling you this is that restless behavior is, in my experience, driven up by a lack of attention. Sounds obvious, right? And it is. But when you're tired as many parents are, you've worked all day and you just want a quite evening, chances are that you're not in the mood for play. But then chances are also that the less attention you want to give your kids, the more they're going to fight amongst each other.
Niklas Alfvin, what a great observation. Thank you!
Thank you! I was just talking to my husband about this yesterday! Cause our kids fight ALL the time and I’m tired of being a referee! Thanks for your advise!
Get rid of the striped shirt and whistle, you have other things to do, Alina Paalz.
The Response Cost bag is WORKING! Not just for fighting, we use it for everything. Being consistent, smiling, & letting them enjoy the rewards left over are key to efficiency. Brilliant!! Thanks Vicki & Dr. Paul!
Tecumseh A., so happy for you, glad to know you are having success.
fighting is mostly connected to feelings that want to get out. if you presure that away, what's your opinion what will happen next?
I do not agree, that adding these Kind of pressure on top can solve the need thats behind the fight.
asking/ looking behind those fighting scenes an answering the need of the Kid ist an alternative to stop fighting. try that. I am sure you will find need baswd reasons in your kids behavior that should bei
answered anyhow...
Lois Lane, thanks for the comment, feelings are connected to fighting and getting to the root problem can reduce fights.
Family rules
#1: Respect yourself & others
#2: Respect property
#3: Cooperate & obey
You got it.
Man I love you guys!!!! Such a game changer. Your guidance, your awesome way of explaining. Your warmth emits. Thank you thank you thank you. For those who are reading , do yourself a favour and join the "Parenting Power Up" your kids will thank you later...
Thank you, Candace. Glad you are in our group of positive minded parents.
I'm a 14 year old eldest sibling and I just wanna say thank you since I have 2 younger siblings that are always fighting, I'm not sure if this will work but I'll try
quack, I am hoping it works for you. Thank you for stepping up to help out in the family. That is stage 3 behavior.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thanks, perhaps I should learn about the stage behaviors too so it can work out better
Thank you for this. I have been dealing with my 8 year old son and my soon to be 5 year old daughter. Hitting eachother with link n logs, coat hangers and biting lately! They do it when I go to the bathroom or try to cook a meal. I am finding it difficult because I haven't been able to clean in two weeks because of their behavior. I needed this. I will give this a chance. The world needs more educated people teaching things like this. You both rock.
Chanelle Kirch, we are honored to be on your team. So glad you are in our positive community.
This is so good! I love the idea of a response cost and modeling the correct behavior. We've been using the "when you can talk to me the way I'm talking to you..." approach for a while, with great results! We're expecting baby #4 any day now, so we're definitely on the prowl for advice that can help us maintain a positive spirit and foster cooperation in our home. Thanks, as always, for your excellent advice. :)
Glad it was helpful! Real Organized, good luck with the new baby. I have four kids also.
Ok I must admit im confused. As a parent I hate when my kids fight and argue, but as a child it seemed that's all me and my siblings wanted to do. We made some pretty funny memories that are just priceless now.
Angela v, kids do fight, it is just when it happens all the time. They should have some periods of getting along.
Thank you guys for the help you share and the all the loving ideas.
Our pleasure!
I would just like to first thank you for this video. Clear, easy to follow, and I was able to clearly and directly talk to my family.. smiling the whole time.. today was the first time coming across your videos..
Kids where very responsive to all discussed in this video.. and the wife liked it to..
Thank you so much
Glad it helped! Welcome to our channel.
I actually need this cus my cousin's sibling kept fighting all the time... It was fine at first but when i get involved, they wont stop arguing :( .... I dont feel like talking to them anymore..
DatsMia, pull away and let them know why you are pulling back. There are consequences and natural ones are best
😥mine
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thanks..
From a parent's point of view, what you're saying may make sense. But from a sibling's, no. By keeping reward/candies away from them, you are achieving your bottom line--keeping them from fighting. But the thing that causes them to fight each other, the thought, is still there and will be repressed. Then guess what happens? Anger, resentment, and huge outbursts. The siblings will hate each other inside. Let kids express themselves and dedicated parents also try to address the kids' concerns & thoughts by talking to them and guiding them.
The goal should be to create a good friendship between the siblings.
Good point, choudhury shadmani. As a parent, we need to teach our children how to communicate their discontent in a way that is safe for everyone and they know they are being heard. They also need to be taught conflict-resolution. Still, fighting should have consequences. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Absolutely, thank you for pointing that out.
A few years back, I had minus from pocket money for fighting. It was always the other's fault and they had to hit when the other sat on their face etc etc. Would you take from both children? Even if you suspect one purposely provoked the other to push them over the edge? Or when a sensitive child with trouble regulating their temper flies at a sibling who walks past and grins?
In cases like that, I would not take it from both children, Rachel Nise. If someone is inciting the reaction, they need to be taught that is not peaceful or helpful.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV the problem then is suspicion, proof and allegations of not being fair
Great video, but...it IS OK to fight, isn't it? Fighting with their sibling can potentially teach kids so much about human interaction in general, and conflict resolution in particular. Shouldn't we allow them (and ourselves) to voice their anger and grievances and to experience conflicts, in the safe setting of home, and maybe just gently direct them toward independent problem solving? (easier said than done, I know)
Not to the point they are pulling knives at each other every other week fighting for their lives because they know their sibling could do anything in rage or accidentally.
Not to that extent.
Please help me. Like actually...
Problem solving and fighting are different things, reallifelove. Encourage working out problems through talk and give and take, that is not hitting and name calling.
Great great video Dr.Paul and Ms.Vicky,thank you so much to both of you.😊😊😊
You are welcome, Jessica Ilano, I love working with her.
My question is after my kid has used up his bag of response cost then it stays mine for how long? How do they get it back?
My thoughts too!! Maybe start with more than 10 and gradually move to less. First week might be hard. I'm thinking to start with 20 instead of 10. Lol
Terry Ellis, They are yours until you start the bag again. There is a time limit on the bag, normally it is one day but could be longer. It could be for the duration of the doctor visit or church or something else. It goes back in your stash to be used the next time.
hi Dr Paul! thanks for the video! but what about when one of the kids provoked the other kid so much that he/she eventually started the fight? should i take sides? punish them both?
I would take from both.
carolina fernandes, probably both, but from different angles. The one being provoked needs to learn to fortify himself to stand up to what is happening or find ways to disengage. The perpetrator needs to be disciplined.
What if you don't know who started and you get 2 stories and fights while asking and you can't even keep up or work out who is telling the truth 🙈🙈
I hope this isn't a silly question but are these things the child already calls his own or new extras?
spacecoyote55, I hope I am understanding your question correctly, but I believe they are their own.
Yes! Best advise! You two rock! Always a video on what I need when I need it. Funny how it happens that way. Thank you! These rules are going to be on a board hanging in my house today!
Question about opportunity cost. What of the child depletes the reserve earlier in the week and there's nothing left to take?? Should I start off with more than and gradually move to less? Kinda hard to take what's already been taken.
Jennifer Verdin, you might try it will a couple of items on a daily basis at first.
Wanna know the key to stop the fighting...SHOCK COLLARS.
Ouch!
You are missioners💗
Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV, misima kazija.
Thank you so much for this video
You are welcome, Nadia Hannibal. Honored to be on your team.
_rules_
Respect yourself and others
~No hitting, biting, or hating yourself
Respect Property
~Anything that is owned by someone, taking something from someone else
Cooperate and Obey
~(not fighting= obeying)
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Other things
Reponce cost
Plastic bag and Name
Put 10 things they like
-get it on ____day
-no nagging
Thank you for watching.
Thank you so much.
You are welcome, neli brown. Thank you for watching Live On Purpose.
Thank you!is very helpful 🙏😊💖
Griselda Aceves, honored to be on your team.
Nothing works with my kids oldest just doesn't care and walks away from me.any other ideas?
I don't know what you have tried. If she walks away does that mean the fight is over? I would suggest our parentingpowerup.com or a membership to go.liveonpurposecentral.com. We have forums where you can discuss specific examples there.
I love this you guys are awesome 😎
Ibaa Qasem, thank you.
Brilliant
Thank you.
Hi Dr.paul thank you for your videos could you please make a video about over sharing, I cannot stopped it
What do you mean by over sharing. Alallah Akbar Kabiira? Thank you for watching.
I believe he is requesting a video on sharing such as toys between siblings.
That would be a great thing to know about siblings sharing things. Since alot of the fights are usually about I want this and that's mine etc etc
Could this work with a 5 and 7 year old?
Kailey Norris, I don't see why not.
Me and my brother got to fighting over food I was just playing with him and he got mad and push me I told him to stop because I’m older than him and than he hit me again so we started fighting
Princess Yonna ♡ he sounds defensive so playing with him may not be the best way to go until he is a little more confident.
You sound annoying already
When I tried the baggie method it was all gone in 1 day every time. 🤷
Time to try something else. Our membership site has courses that may be helpful and Ask Dr. Paul sessions, go.liveonpurosecentral.com.
My older sister is driving me nuts she is crazy😡
Mohamed Mansour, sorry to hear that.
Help me stop me and my brother fighting pls i need help i hope you respond to me. Pls i need helps
Preston Lands, I think it's awesome that you want to have a better relationship with your brother. Here is some general advice: be respectful to him, even if you don't think he deserves it. Tell yourself that you are a respectful person and become that way. Let the little things go. If it's not a big deal, don't worry about it. If there is a difficult situation, then remain calm, try to find solutions, and don't let yourself get riled up. Practice gratitude: look for things in your brother that you appreciate. You don't even have to let him know, but simply looking for them will help you see him in a better light. (However saying thank you once in a while might help the relationship.) And lastly, forgive; don't hold on to past grievances. People make mistakes, even intentionally. No one is perfect. To help you learn how to forgive, I recommend this video: "How To Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry" - ua-cam.com/video/RxxmKXQKoOQ/v-deo.html Thanks for watching Live On Purpose TV.
I fight with my siblings and im 15 but it is more verbal
Inspiringer, there will always be some conflict with people we are in close proximity with but hopefully we can work together to lessen the fighting and learn how to get along.
Completely disagree here. Fighting is necessary between brothers and sisters. It's normal, natural and healthy; even a little physical altercation is fine. How do I know? Because I have experience with the most intimate of siblings you can possibly have: a twin... conflict early in life with mom or dad watching in the background, is good. Allowing children to fight will allow them to develop real and practical human interaction skills through their actions and the consequences of them. Am I saying to let your kids pull knives and guns on each other? No, of course not. But a few names being called and scrapes on their bodies won't do them any real lasting harm
Ocelot923, thank you for sharing. I agree that figuring out how to resolve conflict is good, it isn't good to choose to fight all the time with someone.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV No rational human being fights "all the time", not even siblings. But if there's going to be conflict, let it be. They need to learn how to work out their problems on their own. Interfering at every turn does more harm than good. And if things get too serious, step in
I disagree with you. I hate my sibling because of all that you mentioned. I don't like to fight at all, I liked to negotiate. My sibling like to argue, scream, whine and complain. Nope, I got out of there the moment I could.
Probably the least helpful thing I have ever seen in my entire life
We have lots of other videos. I am sure one would be helpful for you.
😭
I get it. I hope the video is helpful.