Things my partner and I have struggled with in our 4 1/2 year relationship (me being the aspie): 1. my inability to look into his eyes directly (especially during heated arguments) 2. appearantly I don't "see" certain things or am not aware of them (things, he thinks he clearly points out to me, even though I feel like he's being very ambiguous and unclear. I can't read between the lines.) 3. My issues with social interaction (making a phonecall can take me a day, I need a list, of exact words and phrases I will say, and I still panic) 4. The fact that I need certain things to be done in a specific way/order. Like the way we clean the house, cook, etc. 5. I struggle with expressing my emotions while I experience them (I can usually only tell how I felt a couple of days later). 6. I struggle with interpreting his emotions, going by his facial expressing or gestures (I need clear explanations). 7. Physical intimacy requires both partners to read body-language well (which is something I'm not good at) 8. I struggle with criticism, because I struggle with taking his perspective 9. I need a lot of me-time to come down what benefits I bring to our relationship: 1. I've been told I don't tend to dissect the world into binary gender- / race-codes. (we pay the same, clean the same, build the same, bring out the trash the same, argue the same etc.) 2. I have little to no vanity when it comes to topics that are uncomfortable for other people 3. I'm not clingy or desperate to have him around 24/7 4. I may miss social cues, but I have a good eye for details and am very analytical, which always adds more depth to a conversation / arguments 5. I struggle with criticism, but am very self-aware 6. If given enough time, I can give very detailed and thorough descriptions of my point of view, that are more plausible and less vague than those of others 7. I may not be able to read body-language, but I am very articulate about what I want and how exactly / have less shame in that regard, which is key in having a consensual respectful sex life. 8. I may struggle with interpreting his emotions, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I may even care more, because to me it's a riddle, and I love riddles and want to solve them. 9. The best thing: I'm always honest. There are no hidden or mixed messages. What you see is what you get. I don't play mind-games or manipulate. There is no hot-and-cold-bs which seems to be refreshing to a lot of guys out there.
I found out my Asperger a year ago at 45 y.o ! I have a 14 y.o son who has Asperger syndrom too. Very intuitively I've given him all I missed in my childhood and teenagehood : lots of time alone in his kingdom , support and interest in his passions , meditations to manage his stress and anxiety , lessons about social relationships , judo classes to help him feel connected to his body . .. He's a happy aspie teenager because he feels respected and guided to our strange , beautiful world .
I am an aspie. I have no handwriting. As in my hand writing has changed over the years but it has been copied and an emulation of someone else's writings. Am I the only one who has this?
im the opposite. as people around me grew up their handwriting changed. i didnt think much of it until i looked back at my 6-year old self's handwriting and realised it hasnt changed at all since then 😅😅
no...i hv faced the same problem too as my handwriting has been changed so many times over the years..i suspect i hv aspergers syndrome as i have other characteristics of it too
Conversations always end up somewhere people don't quite understand... then they say it is random, but in my mind it is always perfectly connected. I think faster than i can explain my thoughts so sometimes people don't see how one point can lead to another but it is all connected.
This is me all the time so when people say what does that have to do with anything I just say never mind but days months or years later when they get it I just look and respond “that’s what I was saying🧐”
Great, clear video, thank you. I just found out at 51 years old that I am an "aspie" (I don't really like that word because in my native language that mean "vacuum"). I am in shock, I now realize that my life could have been much easier if I knew what was wrong with me. Now everything make sense, years and years of pain and loneliness because people did not understand me. I even developed epilepsy & seizures since 2005 because my brain is "overloaded". I feel better now that I know what to do, this is a new start for me and my family/friends. I wish my teachers or doctors knew how to detect the Asperger syndrome, I have been humiliated by so many people (including teachers) because they did not understand what was wrong with me. Thank you for talking about the Asperger syndrome, the more people know about it, the less people will suffer of it. Alex.
I use Aspien as Aspie sounds like a small snake to me. What is your native language? I feel the exact way, I've been as Aspien for 2 weeks now and have appreciated the diagnosis so much because I had many misdiagnosis before this. I also look back and not only do I see the unintentional cruelty of others but a lot of abuse from myself because I didn't understand me. Its been 5 months since you posted this comment, how do you feel now?
I am 64 and at this minute realising that I'm probably on the spectrum. Tears are running down my face. Oh how my life could have been different had I known.
***** Ahhh, yes. if you explain it that way, yes it makes sense to see it that way. that's why I say it may sound bad that we do it. But, actually, psychologically speaking every person in the world does that to a degree. For example, you do act differently with your parents than what you do with your peers. (and its not bad, its normal in fact). Also social climbers (girls mainly). working labor does act with a chameleonic tendency when in front of your boss. This quality is also a must have for a leader (especially one needed on the most adverse circumstances), actors, musicians and alikes. Doctors also, in some cases. etc. The point on her comment is that, differently from NT, we do have to be more, conscious about it. especially in circumstances in which you would do it without thinking like talking with your peers vs parents. And this is practically why many parents are afraid of letting their kids hang out with aspies, they just like you just did, will think in one sigle layer stating, chameleon mask = psychopath, without thinking on more deeper layers and acknowledging they actually use the masks as well. Think about this from an outside perspective, think from outside of what you are teach in the regular social circle. Also I should add, sociopaths and psychopaths, does use this to mask their intentions and they add masks to their actual regular ones. Aspies on the other hand, lack those mask and we have to create those, that for others are normal to wear without even noticing. Not to mask our intentions but to look socially "normal" (and here is where the real truth and difference lies)
***** It is normal. its a social mechanism. Like telling a lie. you all NTs does it all the time without even noticing. Lying and masking is a fundamental truth of human relationships. period (as you say) accept the truth about yourself, and learn to discern between realities. If you are now telling yourself that you’re not wearing a mask right now, ask yourself this question, could it be that maybe, the mask is so stuck to who you think you are that you don’t even know it’s even there?
Wow... I had not realized that there was no sound coming out of the right speaker, due to my half-deafness from that ear, and likely would not have noticed unless I read the comments!
@ nobody - Females work way harder at mastering social interaction (some girls dont but most do). If you didn't know this and that isn't your fault. But when you express her as fake, without knowing how hard she has worked on mastering her social interactions to be this "normal" then that can be a very hurtfull thing to say to a girl with AS. Learn everything you csn, not just the parts that seem to matter to you. Trust me, it will help you and your partner. /guy with an AS girlfriend.
And Asperger's / Autism is a "spectrum" of severity. Not all people with disorders are equal - obviously. And human beings are also on a spectrum of intelligence, capacity, etc. A highly intelligent, well-organized person can have Asperger's and that will not delete all of their capacities. It may add some capacities. Mostly, it just makes their emotional and social life more difficult.
+Nonehasthisnamekek1 Perhaps it would have been nice if my aspie B@&*$# had told me she was aspie when we were dating, and not three years later in passing as if it did not matter?!!?!?!
While reading this book, I felt as though this stranger was writing my autobiography better than I could. It was very illuminating. Thank you, Rudy Simone!
Ilana Trombly . That’s exactly what I thought! How does this woman know me so well... it’s freaky! Especially when I’ve spent the past 55 years thinking I’m a weirdo... & trying hard not to be. I almost feel exhilirated knowing the truth. Explains a lot.
I was dating someone on the spectrum and I remember thinking “must not be that interested in me. We never talk on the phone.” Now I realize, I had unrealistic expectations. She was doing as best as she can!
Hi, for me, talking is for telling someone what you want them to know. I find it uncomfortable to ask questions to create a conversation. In my mind, why would I ask them...if they want me to know, they will tell me. a fun conversation for me is when someone tells a story that relates to the one I told. the telephone is a tool I rarely enjoy using. people ask so many questions with one. smiling, George.
As ther husband of an Aspergirl, I can confidently endorse what Rudy is saying here. For all you partner's of Aspergirls, please buy and read her book. It's essential reading to prevent a lot of pain.
How frustrating to have a teaser that says "22 things..." and then it's just an informercial. When people put something like this is a youtube title, the viewer expects to see what the title promises. You don't need to go into every detail, people could be enticed to buy the book to learn more, but it was a big turn off.
I’m 2 minutes in, learning that a lot of autistics try to hide their disappointment upon receiving something that they didn’t want. I can’t hide it, nor have I tried to. I’ve been labeled ungrateful and rude many times, including by my own partner. I was diagnosed less than a year ago. Now I feel less guilty for being me.
Your UA-cam presentation was exceptionally well done in every way. Thank you. As a neurotypical who was rejected by my partner's daughters (and he never intervened) I later realized each family member displayed varying ASPI symptoms. My partner's mother's bloodline affected each one. I plan to write my own observations and heart broken memory of those months as "Never the Twain Shall Meet." bitsy
Hi Rudy ! I happened on your video by chance . I twas nice to watch as I dated a couple years ago a girl with Aspergers . Though it Did not work out and I think partly it was her fear of telling me she had it because of being made fun of for it growing up . ( which i cant say I blame her for that ) She was a really nice girl and maybe things would have been different had I known and understood some of her behaviors which just seemed so strange . Though had I known I could have researched it as she was def worth the time it would have taken. anyways I enjoyed watching as it touched upon a few things I went thru as a Non Aspie BF . and Who knows I may meet another wonderful Lady who Happens to be an Aspie in the future . :-)
I can totally relate to this Michael, I'm going through this same thing as you did...I did figure it out on my own, but only after almost a year of dating. It makes sense to me now. I have so much to learn about Aspergers.
Hi, I just found your channel and I like what you say. Today is my 62nd birthday. I am a happy Aspie. You know, the kind of happy that comes with realizing I really am not part of the common human group. I learned late that I am who I am. I have been able to forgive myself and my past lovers for the failures that the difference allowed to happen.that might not make sense but the unseen but real difference would not have been such a ruining factor if I had an understanding of my own complexities, or as I like to call them, simplicities. Your efforts to clarify these will help many folks be fair with each other and perhaps avoid the type of misunderstandings that broke hearts like mine and those who I loved. Good job. Smiling, George.
I am on this page. I truely feel like I am high functioning "asper-girl" There are sooo many things that I can recognize with in myself. I started this inquiry because my youngest daughter is having issues regulating mood and resoponds with anger, She is 4 y/old.
Thank you for being so vulnerable, very moving. My personal opinion is that sometimes we label things incorrectly. As a researcher in bio-chemistry with over 15 years experience, I often see bio-chemical and brain imbalances that often go un-diagnosed. We then say that the person is depressed or emotionally imbalanced. It can be a simple as a person is allergic to black pepper and eats it with food often, I do not fully agree with your autism diagnosis. A simple calcium deficiency can make someone seem insane to others. (More common with women than men) I cannot recommend more highly that a broad spectrum vitamin/supplement regime, The difficulty here is that most persons will buy a few exotic supplements and then stop taking them after a short time. Stick to the basics and add condition specific formulas to counter a specific condition. I also cannot speak more highly of Bach Flower Remedies. If you were to only buy one chose Star of Bethlehem which fortifies the emotional body for strength, promotes more restful sleep and boosts the immune system. A broad spectrum regime for depression benefits almost everyone as this world tends to grind us into the dirt. We love you deeply.
I am an Aspie as well. I have several daily problems but the major one is getting along with my parents and trying to hold in my frusrations. It's so hard! I feel like I could be this woman's clone. I am so relatable with her!
I get the whole present thing I’m same exact way. I also developed southern accent on my way to my grandparents house in Tenn. very good at parroting behaviors. No one ever understood my behavior so I was bullied , made fun of and physically abused over things I could not control as family thought I could.
Myself got my diagnosis at the age of 40 after watching a tv-series called ”Den som får finnas” (transl. The one that is allowed to exist), I recognized the symptoms and told my psychiatrist. That lead me to start my road to understanding why I felt this way. In the end I got my own diagnosis established. I have a steady relationship with my partner for 13 yrs. He accepts my differences.
I have 2 aspie children and the more I learn about the spectrum the more I wonder if my ocd and anxiety disorder and manic depression is actually aspergers. the put me on med as a child and I have been on them ever since . so basically 20 years of meds.
I also have one son with Aspergers, and the other has some traits, but more like ADHD, and the things she is describing here are so "me", but I like to believe that if I did/do have it, that I have managed to outgrow a lot of it, being almost 49 years old now. I do know that I am anything but average. I am a straight A science major, but I also feel like I will never "be" my age. I had a lot of strange problems when I was a kid, too, I was quite odd, but also very accelerated for my age in school, so I do not know if it is just being very intelligent and eccentric, or what it is. I do admit that I am not the same socially as many people, but I have come to be comfortable in my own skin, and also learned to blend in, somewhat.
I have been treated for Bipolar Disorder and OCD most of my life, and recently am suspecting Asperger's through self-diagnosis. All I can say is, the medications I have taken relieved the terrible symptoms I have, and have allowed me to survive to old age. If you have suffered depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, attacks of rage, etc. due to Aspergers, these medicines still will help you. Never stay on a medication if it's doing you no good or harm-- but if it helps you to live and get along in life, it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is. Just keep taking it. Life's too hard to suffer needlessly. You could end up on self-medicating substances instead, which are more harmful for your health.(and often illegal and could land you in jail).
I need everyone I know to know these things! The accent thing I've never known anyone else do! I try really hard not to do it. Also just excited that things like this exist, thank you!!
I also pick up accents! If I'm talking to someone with an accent I tend to sound like them the more we talk. If I like how someone else has said something, I will mimic it and I have been asked before "where are you from....I can't figure out your accent". I'm great at acting like a parrot but struggle to know how to talk otherwise... The more I learn about asperger's from these videos the more I feel relieved I'm not the only one experiencing life this way. Just wanted to add my two cents for all the others who are shocked someone else feels the same or acts the same, etc.
They say that it makes them want to vomit (my mother actually DID once), and keep on repeating: "Would you just shut up!" and things like that when I start speaking. It´s actually very frustrating, because I never noticed anything like that.
I always knew there was something different about me. A LOT of what this lady says sounds just like me. I was so embarrassed once when I had lunch at a BIG long table with my wacky boss and his family who had a lot of guests, and on one day the guests were French. I had taken French in school. I didn't realize it but I was speaking English with a French accent, like they were. The wife of my boss announced loudly, "do you realize you're speaking with a French accent?"
Thank you for the book. I'm going to get it asap and read it to my hubby. I am an Aspy mom with 2 autistic sons. My hubby has the hardest time understanding why we do what we do, or how to deal with what we do. We get into tiffs often for my and my sons' reactions to things. Anything to help him "get" us is most appreciated.
Yeah, I find it very considerate, that way you can avoid hurting your partner's feelings. I can totally relate to that. I prefer to never receive gifts especially for that reason. And I prefer to buy things myself, so I really get what I want. About reading books, I discovered audio books - so I always buy kindle version and audio together. That's perfect.
I'm on the spectrum too. I've learned to see gifts in less literal / utilitarian terms, but understand better how my apsie partners sometimes reacted to gifts. It's mainly the thought that counts to me, but I better appreciate the more pragmatic aspects of recieving a gift after reading this. thanks.
For 2 years I was with someone with aspberger's We tried counseling, I read everything I could get my hands on, I researched so much and tried to understand. I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. The person doesn't want to work on their behaviors; thinks they are totally appropriate (even violence, which is not typical of Aspbergers). I had to get out. They would NEVER apologize for insults directed at me, ever. I will NEVER be involved with someone like this again.
Violence is NOT typical of Asperger's! That sounds like he's using it as an excuse. (sounds a lot like narcissism, but I feel like we're all a little narcissistic sometimes)
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels the same way about receiving gifts. I feel like such a bitch to feel that way but I don't want to have to actively hide that disappointment
I just bought your book recently! I haven't read it linerally, as I wanted to focus on issues I was currently having. The cahpters I have read are the introduction, first chapter, the two chapters on meltdowns, and part of the love/sex part. I am so glad I was diagnosed at a young age, or else I would of been instatutionalized. When I was dignosed, I was a mess. I had socially inappropriate behavior, short friendships, and manic speacil intrest. I was dignosed at the age of 12 (10 years ago) and I'm glad I got the help I needed. With the ritual and routine, I don't mind surprises but only in certain contexts. Like if my partner was giving me a present for my birthday, I don't feel anxious about what am I going to get. And becuase of my social chameleon skills, even if he got me a really crappy gift, I would mask my distate towards the item. On the other hand, I don't like having social gatherings stacked closely next to eachother. Its not a social anexity thing, but rather a time management thing. I perceive time faster or slower compared to the NT. (i.e: an hour in real time can feel anything between a minute or six days for me)
Could you possibly give me some help and advice?....I am married to an Aspie woman and I am trying to encourage her to seek a professional diagnosis. Unfortunately my wife denies that she has Aspergers and refuses to get diagnosed. Can you offer us any help? as I fear that without a clear diagnosis our relationship will come to a very sad end.
I wanted to ask for some advice. I'm a 17 year old college student and I've always known I was a bit different but I come from a household that doesn't believe mental disorders or Autism exists. However, I've been told many times that I should seek out a diagnosis and listening to this video was like you were describing me. I've never been too worried about it because I always figured out ways to get by. But now I find that I'm never able to keep a job because of the social aptitude required.
Neither do I have a social language of my own, I always pick up accents within a day or two of traveling anywhere. People have often asked where I was from because they couldn't place my accent not knowing it was a conglomeration of the influences surrounding me. However, I was able to bring that to the stage quite successfully in theatre. In this I found success. I have noticed that as I get older my traits become more pronounced. Not sure what to do about that. It could become debilitating.
I'd like to hear more on the sensory issues. I'm an aspie and I always feel unbalanced. So when my boyfriend playfully shoves me or tries to pick me up and fight him with aggression. I hate the feeling and I tell him not to do that but he doesn't understand. It's very frustrating.
I see that this was posted 8 years ago, but I want to say. If he is triggering aggression in you and you have asked him to stop and he ignores you, its time to break up. If he wanted to listen to you and stop making you uncomfortable, he would.
Oh god I relate so much to the gift thing. My boyfriend bought me an expensive gift for christmas and I didn't like it at all. I couldn't deal with it. I think I had a meltdown, it was just the most horrible thing. It caused us to have a huge fight and he felt offended and that's not what I intended at all, I cried a lot and couldn't sleep for two nights and it was just a horrible experience. I'm undiagnosed by the way but after a lot of research, I know I have quite a lot of autistic characteristics, not sure if I would be considered a full aspie though.
This concise book has contributed to my understanding myself a bit better (as an aspergirl) and has provided a resource for my boyfriend (who is also an aspie). Thank you! Also, I too mimic accents. As a customer service employee I involuntarily mimicked the accents of customers, and this was interpreted more than once as disrespect.
Wow, thank you so much for this. Totally get the references, emulation (mimicry) is mentally taxing. The fact you read to your partner gives me hope of finding a person I can truly love and care for. Non-NTs have a very difficult time navigating the usual social venues...,
Well, 22 is my favorite number! I used to end up just buying my own gifts. lol Also, Oh My Gosh...I pick up others accents when I talk to them too, especially English accents, which I love. I never understood why. It's like a light bulb in my brain! I must get your book someday. (Greg, note the 6:44 minutes. What can I say?)
I am a 24 year old woman with Asperger's and I don't do very well with making friends or communicating with other people and I'm just wondering how people with Asperger's get help to do that
Jade Johnson role play and drama is particularly helpful with lots of rehearsals. We need to learn how to respond in specific situations what’s appropriate etc and learn each thing individually so that we can apply it.
Jade Johnson Also talking yo people with shared interests helps. Keep practicing it does improve. I am a 38 year old female Aspie I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 23
Great book. I am a male with Asperger's and I'm writing a female character that has Asperger's. The book helped me understand way better how Asperger's affects women in particular. It would be nice to find a girlfriend with Asperger's, but no such luck so far.
It's too bad so much is just anecdotal nonsense. Look at the test that shows teachers discriminate against boys and the perceptions the students had. Boys were basically getting gas lite while girls were treated better but still thought they were treated worse.
Yep surprises. Especially if it takes me out of my routine like people coming over when I'm ready to go to bed like this year when my mom who should know I don't like having people over at 7pm inviting the family over because it fit their schedules. I was so put out that I couldn't even enjoy my birthday and more upset over the fact that people don't know me....even my family because they don't understand what they think is a great surprise and nice for people to come over *no matter what time of day to celebrate* for me it was overly exhausting and not fun.
When it came to things like Christmas or birthdays, I used to be ok with surprises, but now I realize how bad people are at picking things for me, so it’s better just to pick something out......
I know I do too! I'm just blind to the emotions of others in everyday social interaction. I need things spelled out for me. WhenI find out whats going on and that I've upset, or annoyed someone or something, I'm totally devastated. When I realize that a person is really unhappy/going through something difficult etc I'm overwhelmed, sometimes to the point of shutting down.
Maybe she doesn't want the label (or maybe you are wrong, that's possible too right?) Perhaps you should read the book. You may find that simple changes to your understanding, expectation and behaviours will make it easier for her. If YOU can quietly adapt to her needs you can become her refuge rather than yet another social struggle. If this works, after some time you may find it easier to approach the subject with her. But bear in mind, she may reject the label strongly - if so accept this
Apparently so. When I start speaking, my whole family (sometimes including strangers that come by) tells me that my habit of constant talking is unbearable. I have an extremely monotonous voice, at least everybody says so (not that I myself noticed), and I don´t do commas and other dividing marks in my speach, so they say it seems like I am saying one, long, neverlasting line.
As an Aspie I can relate to that birthday/christmas present one . My brother gave me a PS3 game that I detested, I hand't played it, but I knew from watching walkthrough videos of it, that I wan't going to like it, so i secretly got rid of it, without ever playing it.
It would be useful to have that book for other gender too. I suspect there quite big similiarities. I had to broke up with my partner after long term relationship. At the beginning of the relationsip I told her about my AS. She refused to acknowledge it and we never talked about it. And if she would only read one book on that, we would probably avoid most of misunderstandings and arguments.
I look at myself; selective mutism in childhood, high IQ, panic in social situations, only a handful of close friends, lack of empathy to the point when I was told my friend had died and I didn't shed a tear (although I felt sad) and worst of all I hate my husband's clutter which causes severe anxiety in me. I am convinced I have Asperger's but how do I get a diagnosis?
I told my husband I think I habe this. Without missimg a beat he says, yup! Wait , what? Like he knew and said nothing to me, or is he joking. Seriously I cannot tell.
I've read your other book and it was very helpful. It's sooooo much easier being a partner to someone on the spectrum once you understand even a little more.
The 'no surprises' thing; I used to know a guy whose girlfriend (neither had ASD) would give him a shortlist of presents and he would pick which one to get so she always got what she wanted but it was still a surprise. I wonder if that would be a sufficiently limited surprise for you to tolerate (because you'll know it's going to be 1 of a small number of possible options) or if it's purely not knowing what's going to happen that is too much for you?
Wendy Thomas Here in Amarillo Tx don’t have professional that even know about AS. I don’t really expect to for ppl to understand me so I just go on with my life. I wish that here in Amarillo tx have resources to help others.
Dating another person with Aspergers would be really hard... I can't imagine it, the both of you have different quirks and things you can't stand and the other wouldn't show empathy when you break down. But it would be good to have someone who understands what you are going through, or at least someone to understand.
I wish I could find a woman with Asperger's to date. I'm so tired of being misunderstood by everyone around me, and it would be so much easier, I think, to be with somebody who was like me.
Hi Rudy. Have you interviewed couples where both members are aspies? If so do they have mutual understandings that make their relationships more stable than mixed couples?
The audio being panned to one side REALLY bothered me, but I still got through this. My partner and I both have AS (both self-diagnosed) and there are STILL lots of differenced between us. Thanks!
Omgosh I have to say I laughed soooooo hard about the getting presents thing! That is so me! My poor partner thinks so hard about the stuff he gets me too, there was one a few years ago I finally got him to tell me what he was planning, I'm so glad he told me because I would have been sooooo mad and then felt really bad about myself
I know I’m late to this video. But, it just always feels like everyone says “You just have to understand her and deal with how she is.” But as someone who has dated an aspie-girl, and would consider it again, is there anything for helping her to acknowledge at least a few of her behaviors and work to try and overcome them? I mean if I had a behavior that just grated on her nerves, and it’s not something I have to do, it’s just a coping behavior for me, I’d work to change it, to help her. But it doesn’t seem like there is any, or at least not much, about how on some issues we can meet in the middle. It’s just that I’m willing to compromise, but if I’m the only person ever expected to give effort, or change any aspect of myself, I just can’t do that. Just curious. Because the aspie-girls I’ve known have all been supremely self-centered, and I’m just wondering is that just an unchangeable aspect of them? Or are they that way because people have just excused it and let it go saying “That’s just how they are” which I’ve heard that phrase a lot. I don’t know, again, just curious.
I am an aspie-woman, and I hear you. Some of my experience dating non-autistic men was that they didn't communicate clearly and expected me to read between the lines or "mind read" and got upset when I didn't catch the implied meaning. Rather than clearly asking "Can you wear headphones when you listen to music in the morning? It wakes me up." they would use angry body language or just be angry every morning until exploding about it. Many autistics have poor theory of mind- we legitimately cannot imagine what being someone else is like and cannot infer from the social cues most people can. I think a reframe that could help as well : replace "self-centred" with "socially unaware, clueless, and emotionally immature" Of course, some people are just self-centered, selfish, and unwilling to compromise regardless of their neurology!
Was recommended by Carol bird to check you out and also check out I tried to open it once I found but keeps kicking back a link that says cannot be found try again reload I did all that and to no avail just letting you know FYI... Ty
I have the volume on my computer and on this video up to max and something is wrong with the sound. It is very 'scratchy' like a very old 'cassette tape' from the 1970s and the volume is super low. With the speech being so fast on top of this I would have to keep repeating every couple of seconds to understand it...so alas, am going to pass on this video!
I'm just examining Aspergers in respects to my own oddities and uniqueness ... and Spock was the reason I watched Star Trek as a kid. Love him. Understand him.
Ha, that explains why I used to pick up accents... Then the person would run away because they thought I was mocking them... It's not my fault I was bad at it, I just couldn't help it
When I was in third grade my teacher said I was strange, upon questioning her she said that I was different from most girls, I was androgynous. I looled it up in the Enclyclopedia Britannica, which I had read the entire set and our 6 inch dictionary. I understood the definition but I still have trouble figuring out what I'm doing to give people that or any impression of me.
Do you have an audiobook version for your works as I have the Aspergirls one in print form but find listening a lot easier than reading? Thanks in advance.
My ex (who I think maybe had Asperger's) was the world's best listener. He was sooooooo validating, it was amazing, as I have this deep fear that I'm boring. I have wondered recently, though, if he was just watching and mirroring me. (??). But still, it's so nice to have a partner who listens to you.
Not so much being talkative. It is more singleminded very isolated communication. It is often very one way. An aspie may not realise when the other person is disinterested or detect changes in tone or topic Of course, all aspies are different. But this is a very common trait. They also have quite narrow interests and not understand that not everyone shares them. A two way conversation with an aspie can feel like an interrogation Talkative, on its own, may just be nerves or a personality trait.
I am a guy and I recognise myself in everything you said. I don't think there's much difference between males and females. And a relationship between an Autistic (though, as yet, undiagnosed) man like me and a fully Neurotypical woman like my wife does not seem to work very well; so I hope to find an Autistic woman so I could leave my wife and she would feel very happy and relieved, and me too. And then, of course, I could finally get a diagnosis. Right now I am scared so I do not even ever go to the doctor..
novlettemasellia This is a bit late, but I’m afraid you may be having some “grass on the other side is greener” syndrome. Although a relationship between two autistic people tends to be one filled with more understanding, if you have different needs then it can get difficult. I’m a woman diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome since I was 6 years old, and I strongly suspect my partner has it as well. We relate on a lot of things most people don’t, and the more I learn about autism, the more his symptoms are apparent. When dealing with autistic people, everything that I was ever taught about social rules has been completely flipped on its head. It’s even more difficult because he’s not had a diagnosis yet. For example, is he refusing to see me for the second week in a row because he’s losing interest in me (neurotypical perspective), or is he refusing to see me this week because he’s exhausted from socialising and he was forced into a party last weekend (autistic perspective)? I definitely suggest you get a diagnosis ASAP. I think if my partner was interested in getting a diagnosis, it’d be a lot easier to cope with. This is me saying that as a woman with Asperger’s Syndrome.
Sure, when society learns to approach such things in a logical and level headed manner. However striping people of their rights because they may or may not be a threat because they shared a very common trait with someone that underwent adverse circumstances and handled it in a devastating way, does not benefit anyone. If you want to be free, you need to allow others to be free, and accept the risks that come along with that.
I stumbled on this video today, so after 11 years of it being published. I'm a man. I've listened to many stories now, and I CANNOT for the life of me identify with males with aspergers. But this video and other asper girls represent my experience also. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm saying that's how it feels like and what I experienced exactly (as exact it can be, since she's somewhat abstract). As if they're speaking about my own experiences. The only disernable difference I can think of is that I'm capable of reading emotion from body language AND have an intuitive guess of what it usually means. People say I'm wrong when I talk about those things (because I care they don't hurt themselves), yet proof by action I was right. If anybody reads my message still.. Could you explain how its possible to FULLY identify with female autism, not male autism? Do we still speak of autism then in a man? I've been looking for an answer even went to psychologists for it. It was not conclusive; I was NOT deemed autistic (so I must be high functioning then if I am), and highly gifted. It isn't as great as it sounds. Do any of you have an idea?
Hi Rudy, I can't find your music. it was really coming along. and I can't find you on facebook either it's like you vanished. has what i said made sense yet, i did have a psychotic break.
Two aspies in one family.... might be a bit much sometimes. Don't give up on finding someone. A young friend of mine found a wonderful girl and her whole family love him for who he is. It's a miracle. I really understand why you'd want to give up. Hopefully a friend or family member who loves you will encourage you until it is so. :D
Things my partner and I have struggled with in our 4 1/2 year relationship (me being the aspie):
1. my inability to look into his eyes directly (especially during heated arguments)
2. appearantly I don't "see" certain things or am not aware of them (things, he thinks he clearly points out to me, even though I feel like he's being very ambiguous and unclear. I can't read between the lines.)
3. My issues with social interaction (making a phonecall can take me a day, I need a list, of exact words and phrases I will say, and I still panic)
4. The fact that I need certain things to be done in a specific way/order. Like the way we clean the house, cook, etc.
5. I struggle with expressing my emotions while I experience them (I can usually only tell how I felt a couple of days later).
6. I struggle with interpreting his emotions, going by his facial expressing or gestures (I need clear explanations).
7. Physical intimacy requires both partners to read body-language well (which is something I'm not good at)
8. I struggle with criticism, because I struggle with taking his perspective
9. I need a lot of me-time to come down
what benefits I bring to our relationship:
1. I've been told I don't tend to dissect the world into binary gender- / race-codes. (we pay the same, clean the same, build the same, bring out the trash the same, argue the same etc.)
2. I have little to no vanity when it comes to topics that are uncomfortable for other people
3. I'm not clingy or desperate to have him around 24/7
4. I may miss social cues, but I have a good eye for details and am very analytical, which always adds more depth to a conversation / arguments
5. I struggle with criticism, but am very self-aware
6. If given enough time, I can give very detailed and thorough descriptions of my point of view, that are more plausible and less vague than those of others
7. I may not be able to read body-language, but I am very articulate about what I want and how exactly / have less shame in that regard, which is key in having a consensual respectful sex life.
8. I may struggle with interpreting his emotions, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I may even care more, because to me it's a riddle, and I love riddles and want to solve them.
9. The best thing: I'm always honest. There are no hidden or mixed messages. What you see is what you get. I don't play mind-games or manipulate. There is no hot-and-cold-bs which seems to be refreshing to a lot of guys out there.
Thanks. You helped me understand my aspie girl a little bit better.
Valhalla
oh I have the same problem of not being able to tell what is being pointed at!! I thought it was just me being dumb, lol. Glad it isn’t ;v;.
I can relate 99%.
I have Asperger’s too.
Thank you!
Thank you!
I found out my Asperger a year ago at 45 y.o ! I have a 14 y.o son who has Asperger syndrom too. Very intuitively I've given him all I missed in my childhood and teenagehood : lots of time alone in his kingdom , support and interest in his passions , meditations to manage his stress and anxiety , lessons about social relationships , judo classes to help him feel connected to his body . .. He's a happy aspie teenager because he feels respected and guided to our strange , beautiful world .
Thankyou for being there for your son and supporting him .
@@mammadingo9165 BINGO, you bad D.
@@gregorywitcher5618 what mate ?
This is amazing 🥲great job!!
What a lucky kid
I am an aspie. I have no handwriting. As in my hand writing has changed over the years but it has been copied and an emulation of someone else's writings. Am I the only one who has this?
im the opposite. as people around me grew up their handwriting changed. i didnt think much of it until i looked back at my 6-year old self's handwriting and realised it hasnt changed at all since then 😅😅
Juhi Manral yup not one signature either
I copied a girl's handwriting I liked when were in the same homeroom in 5th grade.
Ha ha ha. My accent is an amalgamation of all the different ones I have liked over the years. It is a mix of British + Bengali (Indian).
no...i hv faced the same problem too as my handwriting has been changed so many times over the years..i suspect i hv aspergers syndrome as i have other characteristics of it too
Conversations always end up somewhere people don't quite understand... then they say it is random, but in my mind it is always perfectly connected. I think faster than i can explain my thoughts so sometimes people don't see how one point can lead to another but it is all connected.
This is me all the time so when people say what does that have to do with anything I just say never mind but days months or years later when they get it I just look and respond “that’s what I was saying🧐”
so good!
Great, clear video, thank you.
I just found out at 51 years old that I am an "aspie" (I don't really like that word because in my native language that mean "vacuum").
I am in shock, I now realize that my life could have been much easier if I knew what was wrong with me.
Now everything make sense, years and years of pain and loneliness because people did not understand me.
I even developed epilepsy & seizures since 2005 because my brain is "overloaded".
I feel better now that I know what to do, this is a new start for me and my family/friends.
I wish my teachers or doctors knew how to detect the Asperger syndrome, I have been humiliated by so many people (including teachers) because they did not understand what was wrong with me.
Thank you for talking about the Asperger syndrome, the more people know about it, the less people will suffer of it.
Alex.
I use Aspien as Aspie sounds like a small snake to me. What is your native language? I feel the exact way, I've been as Aspien for 2 weeks now and have appreciated the diagnosis so much because I had many misdiagnosis before this. I also look back and not only do I see the unintentional cruelty of others but a lot of abuse from myself because I didn't understand me. Its been 5 months since you posted this comment, how do you feel now?
I am 64 and at this minute realising that I'm probably on the spectrum. Tears are running down my face. Oh how my life could have been different had I known.
@@AspienPadda I'm French, my life is much easier now that I know about my differences, but I feel like I wasted 50 years of my life.
It took me to 70. My life was extremely affected by the lack if knowledge.
there is nothing wrong with you, you are different, not wrong
Social chameleons.
sociopaths?
No
***** please expand yourself on why do you though such thing? besides just saying it.
***** Ahhh, yes.
if you explain it that way, yes it makes sense to see it that way.
that's why I say it may sound bad that we do it. But, actually, psychologically speaking every person in the world does that to a degree.
For example, you do act differently with your parents than what you do with your peers. (and its not bad, its normal in fact). Also social climbers (girls mainly). working labor does act with a chameleonic tendency when in front of your boss.
This quality is also a must have for a leader (especially one needed on the most adverse circumstances), actors, musicians and alikes.
Doctors also, in some cases. etc.
The point on her comment is that, differently from NT, we do have to be more, conscious about it. especially in circumstances in which you would do it without thinking like talking with your peers vs parents.
And this is practically why many parents are afraid of letting their kids hang out with aspies, they just like you just did, will think in one sigle layer stating, chameleon mask = psychopath, without thinking on more deeper layers and acknowledging they actually use the masks as well.
Think about this from an outside perspective, think from outside of what you are teach in the regular social circle.
Also I should add, sociopaths and psychopaths, does use this to mask their intentions and they add masks to their actual regular ones.
Aspies on the other hand, lack those mask and we have to create those, that for others are normal to wear without even noticing. Not to mask our intentions but to look socially "normal" (and here is where the real truth and difference lies)
***** It is normal. its a social mechanism. Like telling a lie. you all NTs does it all the time without even noticing. Lying and masking is a fundamental truth of human relationships. period (as you say) accept the truth about yourself, and learn to discern between realities.
If you are now telling yourself that you’re not wearing a mask right now, ask yourself this question, could it be that maybe, the mask is so stuck to who you think you are that you don’t even know it’s even there?
Ow. My Left Ear loved this.
Left? I must have my speakers twisted.....
😂😂😂
Wow... I had not realized that there was no sound coming out of the right speaker, due to my half-deafness from that ear, and likely would not have noticed unless I read the comments!
Good....its not just me😂
If you hear this only in one ear, then you're neurotypical :)
@ nobody - Females work way harder at mastering social interaction (some girls dont but most do). If you didn't know this and that isn't your fault. But when you express her as fake, without knowing how hard she has worked on mastering her social interactions to be this "normal" then that can be a very hurtfull thing to say to a girl with AS. Learn everything you csn, not just the parts that seem to matter to you. Trust me, it will help you and your partner. /guy with an AS girlfriend.
And Asperger's / Autism is a "spectrum" of severity. Not all people with disorders are equal - obviously. And human beings are also on a spectrum of intelligence, capacity, etc. A highly intelligent, well-organized person can have Asperger's and that will not delete all of their capacities. It may add some capacities. Mostly, it just makes their emotional and social life more difficult.
+Nonehasthisnamekek1 Perhaps it would have been nice if my aspie B@&*$# had told me she was aspie when we were dating, and not three years later in passing as if it did not matter?!!?!?!
@@thenarcissistsscapegoat5091 Maybe she just found out and got diagnosed?
@@trustthesauce I think she would’ve known/told him that she only found out about it. Please use you’re head
@@bamadraws298 *your. and yeah i wasn't thinking at the time lmao
While reading this book, I felt as though this stranger was writing my autobiography better than I could. It was very illuminating. Thank you, Rudy Simone!
Ilana Trombly . That’s exactly what I thought! How does this woman know me so well... it’s freaky! Especially when I’ve spent the past 55 years thinking I’m a weirdo... & trying hard not to be. I almost feel exhilirated knowing the truth. Explains a lot.
Did you say Spock-like?! Ha - I've used the same description. Mr Spock was my role model as a kid "Live long and Asper"
Ha!😃😏
Jane C that’s why so many of us connect with Star Trek and yes Spock was my favourite growing up too
Trekkie also Vulcan blood it's only logical ....
I loved Spock so much
I really related to Spock in Star Trek when growing up too we have emotions just below the surface
As a young woman with BPD, and autistic traits, I identify SO much with this video. Thank you 🤍
Autistic women are often misdiagnosed with BPD before getting the correct diagnosis.
I was dating someone on the spectrum and I remember thinking “must not be that interested in me. We never talk on the phone.” Now I realize, I had unrealistic expectations. She was doing as best as she can!
Yes is confusing
Same
Hi, for me, talking is for telling someone what you want them to know. I find it uncomfortable to ask questions to create a conversation. In my mind, why would I ask them...if they want me to know, they will tell me. a fun conversation for me is when someone tells a story that relates to the one I told. the telephone is a tool I rarely enjoy using. people ask so many questions with one. smiling, George.
As ther husband of an Aspergirl, I can confidently endorse what Rudy is saying here. For all you partner's of Aspergirls, please buy and read her book. It's essential reading to prevent a lot of pain.
How frustrating to have a teaser that says "22 things..." and then it's just an informercial. When people put something like this is a youtube title, the viewer expects to see what the title promises. You don't need to go into every detail, people could be enticed to buy the book to learn more, but it was a big turn off.
I’m 2 minutes in, learning that a lot of autistics try to hide their disappointment upon receiving something that they didn’t want. I can’t hide it, nor have I tried to. I’ve been labeled ungrateful and rude many times, including by my own partner. I was diagnosed less than a year ago. Now I feel less guilty for being me.
Your UA-cam presentation was exceptionally well done in every way. Thank you. As a neurotypical who was rejected by my partner's daughters (and he never intervened) I later realized each family member displayed varying ASPI symptoms. My partner's mother's bloodline affected each one. I plan to write my own observations and heart broken memory of those months as "Never the Twain Shall Meet." bitsy
Hello Bitsy, have you written your notes because I would like to read them. Thank you
Hi Rudy ! I happened on your video by chance . I twas nice to watch as I dated a couple years ago a girl with Aspergers . Though it Did not work out and I think partly it was her fear of telling me she had it because of being made fun of for it growing up . ( which i cant say I blame her for that ) She was a really nice girl and maybe things would have been different had I known and understood some of her behaviors which just seemed so strange . Though had I known I could have researched it as she was def worth the time it would have taken. anyways I enjoyed watching as it touched upon a few things I went thru as a Non Aspie BF . and Who knows I may meet another wonderful Lady who Happens to be an Aspie in the future . :-)
I can totally relate to this Michael, I'm going through this same thing as you did...I did figure it out on my own, but only after almost a year of dating. It makes sense to me now. I have so much to learn about Aspergers.
Hi, I just found your channel and I like what you say. Today is my 62nd birthday. I am a happy Aspie. You know, the kind of happy that comes with realizing I really am not part of the common human group. I learned late that I am who I am. I have been able to forgive myself and my past lovers for the failures that the difference allowed to happen.that might not make sense but the unseen but real difference would not have been such a ruining factor if I had an understanding of my own complexities, or as I like to call them, simplicities. Your efforts to clarify these will help many folks be fair with each other and perhaps avoid the type of misunderstandings that broke hearts like mine and those who I loved. Good job. Smiling, George.
I am on this page. I truely feel like I am high functioning "asper-girl" There are sooo many things that I can recognize with in myself. I started this inquiry because my youngest daughter is having issues regulating mood and resoponds with anger, She is 4 y/old.
Thank you for being so vulnerable, very moving. My personal opinion is that sometimes we label things incorrectly. As a researcher in bio-chemistry with over 15 years experience, I often see bio-chemical and brain imbalances that often go un-diagnosed. We then say that the person is depressed or emotionally imbalanced. It can be a simple as a person is allergic to black pepper and eats it with food often, I do not fully agree with your autism diagnosis. A simple calcium deficiency can make someone seem insane to others. (More common with women than men) I cannot recommend more highly that a broad spectrum vitamin/supplement regime, The difficulty here is that most persons will buy a few exotic supplements and then stop taking them after a short time. Stick to the basics and add condition specific formulas to counter a specific condition. I also cannot speak more highly of Bach Flower Remedies. If you were to only buy one chose Star of Bethlehem which fortifies the emotional body for strength, promotes more restful sleep and boosts the immune system. A broad spectrum regime for depression benefits almost everyone as this world tends to grind us into the dirt. We love you deeply.
I am an Aspie as well. I have several daily problems but the major one is getting along with my parents and trying to hold in my frusrations. It's so hard! I feel like I could be this woman's clone. I am so relatable with her!
What you are describing are quite normal, mundane issues that could relate to anyone.
I get the whole present thing I’m same exact way. I also developed southern accent on my way to my grandparents house in Tenn. very good at parroting behaviors. No one ever understood my behavior so I was bullied , made fun of and physically abused over things I could not control as family thought I could.
Myself got my diagnosis at the age of 40 after watching a tv-series called ”Den som får finnas” (transl. The one that is allowed to exist), I recognized the symptoms and told my psychiatrist. That lead me to start my road to understanding why I felt this way. In the end I got my own diagnosis established. I have a steady relationship with my partner for 13 yrs. He accepts my differences.
I got mine at 54. Explains everything.
I have 2 aspie children and the more I learn about the spectrum the more I wonder if my ocd and anxiety disorder and manic depression is actually aspergers. the put me on med as a child and I have been on them ever since . so basically 20 years of meds.
I also have one son with Aspergers, and the other has some traits, but more like ADHD, and the things she is describing here are so "me", but I like to believe that if I did/do have it, that I have managed to outgrow a lot of it, being almost 49 years old now. I do know that I am anything but average. I am a straight A science major, but I also feel like I will never "be" my age. I had a lot of strange problems when I was a kid, too, I was quite odd, but also very accelerated for my age in school, so I do not know if it is just being very intelligent and eccentric, or what it is. I do admit that I am not the same socially as many people, but I have come to be comfortable in my own skin, and also learned to blend in, somewhat.
Willow Devereaux it runs in families and yes many women are misdiagnosed or undiagnosed
I have been treated for Bipolar Disorder and OCD most of my life, and recently am suspecting Asperger's through self-diagnosis. All I can say is, the medications I have taken relieved the terrible symptoms I have, and have allowed me to survive to old age. If you have suffered depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, attacks of rage, etc. due to Aspergers, these medicines still will help you. Never stay on a medication if it's doing you no good or harm-- but if it helps you to live and get along in life, it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is. Just keep taking it. Life's too hard to suffer needlessly. You could end up on self-medicating substances instead, which are more harmful for your health.(and often illegal and could land you in jail).
@@SoundOfFreedom67 can you describe how you feel you cant be your age?
I need everyone I know to know these things! The accent thing I've never known anyone else do! I try really hard not to do it. Also just excited that things like this exist, thank you!!
Eloise Eighteen I’ve never known of anyone else who did the accent thing either. Now two others!?
Me to! Honesty not taking the micky, so embarrassing when working with a polish person i start mimicking the acsent and when i realise its mortifying
I also pick up accents! If I'm talking to someone with an accent I tend to sound like them the more we talk.
If I like how someone else has said something, I will mimic it and I have been asked before "where are you from....I can't figure out your accent".
I'm great at acting like a parrot but struggle to know how to talk otherwise...
The more I learn about asperger's from these videos the more I feel relieved I'm not the only one experiencing life this way.
Just wanted to add my two cents for all the others who are shocked someone else feels the same or acts the same, etc.
They say that it makes them want to vomit (my mother actually DID once), and keep on repeating: "Would you just shut up!" and things like that when I start speaking. It´s actually very frustrating, because I never noticed anything like that.
I always knew there was something different about me. A LOT of what this lady says sounds just like me. I was so embarrassed once when I had lunch at a BIG long table with my wacky boss and his family who had a lot of guests, and on one day the guests were French. I had taken French in school. I didn't realize it but I was speaking English with a French accent, like they were. The wife of my boss announced loudly, "do you realize you're speaking with a French accent?"
Thank you for the book. I'm going to get it asap and read it to my hubby. I am an Aspy mom with 2 autistic sons. My hubby has the hardest time understanding why we do what we do, or how to deal with what we do. We get into tiffs often for my and my sons' reactions to things. Anything to help him "get" us is most appreciated.
But what’s the secret of how Aspies get into relationships, even marriage?
This woman has helped me understand so much about my Asperger's :-)
Yeah, I find it very considerate, that way you can avoid hurting your partner's feelings. I can totally relate to that. I prefer to never receive gifts especially for that reason. And I prefer to buy things myself, so I really get what I want.
About reading books, I discovered audio books - so I always buy kindle version and audio together. That's perfect.
I'm on the spectrum too. I've learned to see gifts in less literal / utilitarian terms, but understand better how my apsie partners sometimes reacted to gifts. It's mainly the thought that counts to me, but I better appreciate the more pragmatic aspects of recieving a gift after reading this. thanks.
For 2 years I was with someone with aspberger's We tried counseling, I read everything I could get my hands on, I researched so much and tried to understand. I got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. The person doesn't want to work on their behaviors; thinks they are totally appropriate (even violence, which is not typical of Aspbergers). I had to get out. They would NEVER apologize for insults directed at me, ever. I will NEVER be involved with someone like this again.
Violence is NOT typical of Asperger's! That sounds like he's using it as an excuse. (sounds a lot like narcissism, but I feel like we're all a little narcissistic sometimes)
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels the same way about receiving gifts. I feel like such a bitch to feel that way but I don't want to have to actively hide that disappointment
Relatable
I just bought your book recently! I haven't read it linerally, as I wanted to focus on issues I was currently having. The cahpters I have read are the introduction, first chapter, the two chapters on meltdowns, and part of the love/sex part.
I am so glad I was diagnosed at a young age, or else I would of been instatutionalized. When I was dignosed, I was a mess. I had socially inappropriate behavior, short friendships, and manic speacil intrest. I was dignosed at the age of 12 (10 years ago) and I'm glad I got the help I needed.
With the ritual and routine, I don't mind surprises but only in certain contexts. Like if my partner was giving me a present for my birthday, I don't feel anxious about what am I going to get. And becuase of my social chameleon skills, even if he got me a really crappy gift, I would mask my distate towards the item. On the other hand, I don't like having social gatherings stacked closely next to eachother. Its not a social anexity thing, but rather a time management thing. I perceive time faster or slower compared to the NT. (i.e: an hour in real time can feel anything between a minute or six days for me)
Unroll I saw a few of these videos I felt so alone except for my mother. I just begged God to tell why I am the way I am. Thank you.
Could you possibly give me some help and advice?....I am married to an Aspie woman and I am trying to encourage her to seek a professional diagnosis. Unfortunately my wife denies that she has Aspergers and refuses to get diagnosed. Can you offer us any help? as I fear that without a clear diagnosis our relationship will come to a very sad end.
I wanted to ask for some advice. I'm a 17 year old college student and I've always known I was a bit different but I come from a household that doesn't believe mental disorders or Autism exists. However, I've been told many times that I should seek out a diagnosis and listening to this video was like you were describing me. I've never been too worried about it because I always figured out ways to get by. But now I find that I'm never able to keep a job because of the social aptitude required.
Nobody has answered you, but I’d like to know where you are in your life
Neither do I have a social language of my own, I always pick up accents within a day or two of traveling anywhere. People have often asked where I was from because they couldn't place my accent not knowing it was a conglomeration of the influences surrounding me. However, I was able to bring that to the stage quite successfully in theatre. In this I found success. I have noticed that as I get older my traits become more pronounced. Not sure what to do about that. It could become debilitating.
I'd like to hear more on the sensory issues. I'm an aspie and I always feel unbalanced. So when my boyfriend playfully shoves me or tries to pick me up and fight him with aggression. I hate the feeling and I tell him not to do that but he doesn't understand. It's very frustrating.
I see that this was posted 8 years ago, but I want to say. If he is triggering aggression in you and you have asked him to stop and he ignores you, its time to break up. If he wanted to listen to you and stop making you uncomfortable, he would.
Oh god I relate so much to the gift thing. My boyfriend bought me an expensive gift for christmas and I didn't like it at all. I couldn't deal with it. I think I had a meltdown, it was just the most horrible thing. It caused us to have a huge fight and he felt offended and that's not what I intended at all, I cried a lot and couldn't sleep for two nights and it was just a horrible experience.
I'm undiagnosed by the way but after a lot of research, I know I have quite a lot of autistic characteristics, not sure if I would be considered a full aspie though.
Thank you for your books, Rudy. You've helped my marriage so much. None of the male aspie/female NT books were relevant.
This concise book has contributed to my understanding myself a bit better (as an aspergirl) and has provided a resource for my boyfriend (who is also an aspie). Thank you!
Also, I too mimic accents. As a customer service employee I involuntarily mimicked the accents of customers, and this was interpreted more than once as disrespect.
Wow, thank you so much for this. Totally get the references, emulation (mimicry) is mentally taxing. The fact you read to your partner gives me hope of finding a person I can truly love and care for. Non-NTs have a very difficult time navigating the usual social venues...,
Thank you so much! I am getting better at telling my partner when I need a "silence" break.
We feel, we just don't always understand.
Well, 22 is my favorite number! I used to end up just buying my own gifts. lol Also, Oh My Gosh...I pick up others accents when I talk to them too, especially English accents, which I love. I never understood why. It's like a light bulb in my brain! I must get your book someday. (Greg, note the 6:44 minutes. What can I say?)
I am a 24 year old woman with Asperger's and I don't do very well with making friends or communicating with other people and I'm just wondering how people with Asperger's get help to do that
Me too.
I am friendless...
Jade Johnson role play and drama is particularly helpful with lots of rehearsals. We need to learn how to respond in specific situations what’s appropriate etc and learn each thing individually so that we can apply it.
Jade Johnson Also talking yo people with shared interests helps. Keep practicing it does improve. I am a 38 year old female Aspie I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 23
Great book. I am a male with Asperger's and I'm writing a female character that has Asperger's. The book helped me understand way better how Asperger's affects women in particular. It would be nice to find a girlfriend with Asperger's, but no such luck so far.
It's too bad so much is just anecdotal nonsense. Look at the test that shows teachers discriminate against boys and the perceptions the students had. Boys were basically getting gas lite while girls were treated better but still thought they were treated worse.
Yep surprises. Especially if it takes me out of my routine like people coming over when I'm ready to go to bed like this year when my mom who should know I don't like having people over at 7pm inviting the family over because it fit their schedules. I was so put out that I couldn't even enjoy my birthday and more upset over the fact that people don't know me....even my family because they don't understand what they think is a great surprise and nice for people to come over *no matter what time of day to celebrate* for me it was overly exhausting and not fun.
When it came to things like Christmas or birthdays, I used to be ok with surprises, but now I realize how bad people are at picking things for me, so it’s better just to pick something out......
is why i make my christmas wishlist in july and birthday (which is in june) wishlist in january.
I know I do too! I'm just blind to the emotions of others in everyday social interaction. I need things spelled out for me. WhenI find out whats going on and that I've upset, or annoyed someone or something, I'm totally devastated. When I realize that a person is really unhappy/going through something difficult etc I'm overwhelmed, sometimes to the point of shutting down.
Maybe she doesn't want the label (or maybe you are wrong, that's possible too right?)
Perhaps you should read the book. You may find that simple changes to your understanding, expectation and behaviours will make it easier for her. If YOU can quietly adapt to her needs you can become her refuge rather than yet another social struggle.
If this works, after some time you may find it easier to approach the subject with her. But bear in mind, she may reject the label strongly - if so accept this
REALLY recommend this book to anyone and everyone - plus Rudy is an amazing human.
Apparently so. When I start speaking, my whole family (sometimes including strangers that come by) tells me that my habit of constant talking is unbearable. I have an extremely monotonous voice, at least everybody says so (not that I myself noticed), and I don´t do commas and other dividing marks in my speach, so they say it seems like I am saying one, long, neverlasting line.
As an Aspie I can relate to that birthday/christmas present one . My brother gave me a PS3 game that I detested, I hand't played it, but I knew from watching walkthrough videos of it, that I wan't going to like it, so i secretly got rid of it, without ever playing it.
It would be useful to have that book for other gender too. I suspect there quite big similiarities. I had to broke up with my partner after long term relationship. At the beginning of the relationsip I told her about my AS. She refused to acknowledge it and we never talked about it. And if she would only read one book on that, we would probably avoid most of misunderstandings and arguments.
I look at myself; selective mutism in childhood, high IQ, panic in social situations, only a handful of close friends, lack of empathy to the point when I was told my friend had died and I didn't shed a tear (although I felt sad) and worst of all I hate my husband's clutter which causes severe anxiety in me. I am convinced I have Asperger's but how do I get a diagnosis?
Look for a local Neurocognitive Diagnostic center or herbal health service. Lifestance Health has sites across the US.
I just finished reading this book. So good!! Thank you.
I have had that experience of taking on accents quickly.
I told my husband I think I habe this. Without missimg a beat he says, yup! Wait , what? Like he knew and said nothing to me, or is he joking. Seriously I cannot tell.
If Spock & Troy had a baby, that would be me...Data would be my brother! ;-P
never felt like a citizen of any particular country, or that I had any particular language, do u know what I mean
Yes
Naꜰɪsaʜ Θurʏ Bᴀʜ Absolutely yes I can relate
I've read your other book and it was very helpful. It's sooooo much easier being a partner to someone on the spectrum once you understand even a little more.
very sweet and genuine, thanks from a fellow Aspergican~~~~~
pronounced A-sper-gican ~~~emphasis on second syllable.please
The 'no surprises' thing; I used to know a guy whose girlfriend (neither had ASD) would give him a shortlist of presents and he would pick which one to get so she always got what she wanted but it was still a surprise. I wonder if that would be a sufficiently limited surprise for you to tolerate (because you'll know it's going to be 1 of a small number of possible options) or if it's purely not knowing what's going to happen that is too much for you?
I am an Aspi and at work all coworkers are like bullying me. I have hard time lookingin ppl eyes. I keep to my self.
I am sorry you are being bullied. Can you find a counselor to speak with?
Wendy Thomas Here in Amarillo Tx don’t have professional that even know about AS. I don’t really expect to for ppl to understand me so I just go on with my life. I wish that here in Amarillo tx have resources to help others.
Wow. I related to everything in this and can’t wait to get the book!!
No words can express my thankfulness for finding your video! I've been feeling so isolated.
Dating another person with Aspergers would be really hard... I can't imagine it, the both of you have different quirks and things you can't stand and the other wouldn't show empathy when you break down. But it would be good to have someone who understands what you are going through, or at least someone to understand.
I wish I could find a woman with Asperger's to date. I'm so tired of being misunderstood by everyone around me, and it would be so much easier, I think, to be with somebody who was like me.
Hi Rudy. Have you interviewed couples where both members are aspies? If so do they have mutual understandings that make their relationships more stable than mixed couples?
The audio being panned to one side REALLY bothered me, but I still got through this. My partner and I both have AS (both self-diagnosed) and there are STILL lots of differenced between us. Thanks!
I was told by a doctor that I couldn't have it because I'm a girl. That was 1995 after another doctor already said I had it.
Omgosh I have to say I laughed soooooo hard about the getting presents thing! That is so me! My poor partner thinks so hard about the stuff he gets me too, there was one a few years ago I finally got him to tell me what he was planning, I'm so glad he told me because I would have been sooooo mad and then felt really bad about myself
I know I’m late to this video. But, it just always feels like everyone says “You just have to understand her and deal with how she is.” But as someone who has dated an aspie-girl, and would consider it again, is there anything for helping her to acknowledge at least a few of her behaviors and work to try and overcome them? I mean if I had a behavior that just grated on her nerves, and it’s not something I have to do, it’s just a coping behavior for me, I’d work to change it, to help her. But it doesn’t seem like there is any, or at least not much, about how on some issues we can meet in the middle.
It’s just that I’m willing to compromise, but if I’m the only person ever expected to give effort, or change any aspect of myself, I just can’t do that.
Just curious. Because the aspie-girls I’ve known have all been supremely self-centered, and I’m just wondering is that just an unchangeable aspect of them? Or are they that way because people have just excused it and let it go saying “That’s just how they are” which I’ve heard that phrase a lot.
I don’t know, again, just curious.
I am an aspie-woman, and I hear you. Some of my experience dating non-autistic men was that they didn't communicate clearly and expected me to read between the lines or "mind read" and got upset when I didn't catch the implied meaning. Rather than clearly asking "Can you wear headphones when you listen to music in the morning? It wakes me up." they would use angry body language or just be angry every morning until exploding about it.
Many autistics have poor theory of mind- we legitimately cannot imagine what being someone else is like and cannot infer from the social cues most people can. I think a reframe that could help as well : replace "self-centred" with "socially unaware, clueless, and emotionally immature"
Of course, some people are just self-centered, selfish, and unwilling to compromise regardless of their neurology!
Yep. I picked up a British accent when I lived there.
Was recommended by Carol bird to check you out and also check out I tried to open it once I found but keeps kicking back a link that says cannot be found try again reload I did all that and to no avail just letting you know FYI... Ty
I have the volume on my computer and on this video up to max and something is wrong with the sound. It is very 'scratchy' like a very old 'cassette tape' from the 1970s and the volume is super low. With the speech being so fast on top of this I would have to keep repeating every couple of seconds to understand it...so alas, am going to pass on this video!
Note to self : read this book.
How do you know how far on the spectrum you or someone else is? What is the “treatment” or what do you do about it?
I'm just examining Aspergers in respects to my own oddities and uniqueness ... and Spock was the reason I watched Star Trek as a kid. Love him. Understand him.
Ha, that explains why I used to pick up accents... Then the person would run away because they thought I was mocking them... It's not my fault I was bad at it, I just couldn't help it
When I was in third grade my teacher said I was strange, upon questioning her she said that I was different from most girls, I was androgynous. I looled it up in the Enclyclopedia Britannica, which I had read the entire set and our 6 inch dictionary. I understood the definition but I still have trouble figuring out what I'm doing to give people that or any impression of me.
Do you have an audiobook version for your works as I have the Aspergirls one in print form but find listening a lot easier than reading? Thanks in advance.
Thank you for your insight on this issue. Alot of good info here on this subject and help with some misunderstandings :) Bravo !
My ex (who I think maybe had Asperger's) was the world's best listener. He was sooooooo validating, it was amazing, as I have this deep fear that I'm boring. I have wondered recently, though, if he was just watching and mirroring me. (??). But still, it's so nice to have a partner who listens to you.
Not so much being talkative. It is more singleminded very isolated communication. It is often very one way. An aspie may not realise when the other person is disinterested or detect changes in tone or topic
Of course, all aspies are different. But this is a very common trait. They also have quite narrow interests and not understand that not everyone shares them. A two way conversation with an aspie can feel like an interrogation
Talkative, on its own, may just be nerves or a personality trait.
I learned a LOT from your book...and thanks for that.
YOUR GREAT ! YOU ARE CORRECT . WE NEED AS MUCH WRITTEN ABOUT THIS SUBJECT AS POSSIBLE .
I am a guy and I recognise myself in everything you said. I don't think there's much difference between males and females. And a relationship between an Autistic (though, as yet, undiagnosed) man like me and a fully Neurotypical woman like my wife does not seem to work very well; so I hope to find an Autistic woman so I could leave my wife and she would feel very happy and relieved, and me too.
And then, of course, I could finally get a diagnosis. Right now I am scared so I do not even ever go to the doctor..
novlettemasellia Very difficult situation, sorry to hear.
novlettemasellia This is a bit late, but I’m afraid you may be having some “grass on the other side is greener” syndrome. Although a relationship between two autistic people tends to be one filled with more understanding, if you have different needs then it can get difficult.
I’m a woman diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome since I was 6 years old, and I strongly suspect my partner has it as well. We relate on a lot of things most people don’t, and the more I learn about autism, the more his symptoms are apparent. When dealing with autistic people, everything that I was ever taught about social rules has been completely flipped on its head. It’s even more difficult because he’s not had a diagnosis yet. For example, is he refusing to see me for the second week in a row because he’s losing interest in me (neurotypical perspective), or is he refusing to see me this week because he’s exhausted from socialising and he was forced into a party last weekend (autistic perspective)?
I definitely suggest you get a diagnosis ASAP. I think if my partner was interested in getting a diagnosis, it’d be a lot easier to cope with. This is me saying that as a woman with Asperger’s Syndrome.
Sure, when society learns to approach such things in a logical and level headed manner. However striping people of their rights because they may or may not be a threat because they shared a very common trait with someone that underwent adverse circumstances and handled it in a devastating way, does not benefit anyone. If you want to be free, you need to allow others to be free, and accept the risks that come along with that.
My therapist told me that it was highly likely that my husband also was on the spectrum, since Aspies tend to gravitate towards each other.
The audio doesn’t work. Or maybe something on my end???
Should have known this syndrome earlier. My gf just left me because of these weird behaviors of mine. 😭
I stumbled on this video today, so after 11 years of it being published. I'm a man. I've listened to many stories now, and I CANNOT for the life of me identify with males with aspergers. But this video and other asper girls represent my experience also. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm saying that's how it feels like and what I experienced exactly (as exact it can be, since she's somewhat abstract). As if they're speaking about my own experiences. The only disernable difference I can think of is that I'm capable of reading emotion from body language AND have an intuitive guess of what it usually means. People say I'm wrong when I talk about those things (because I care they don't hurt themselves), yet proof by action I was right.
If anybody reads my message still..
Could you explain how its possible to FULLY identify with female autism, not male autism? Do we still speak of autism then in a man? I've been looking for an answer even went to psychologists for it. It was not conclusive; I was NOT deemed autistic (so I must be high functioning then if I am), and highly gifted. It isn't as great as it sounds. Do any of you have an idea?
Hi Rudy, I can't find your music. it was really coming along. and I can't find you on facebook either it's like you vanished. has what i said made sense yet, i did have a psychotic break.
As a male I had more relatable moments here than most other videos.
I can definitely hear the British accent on some of your T's in the beginning part of the vid haha that's cool
Two aspies in one family.... might be a bit much sometimes. Don't give up on finding someone. A young friend of mine found a wonderful girl and her whole family love him for who he is. It's a miracle. I really understand why you'd want to give up. Hopefully a friend or family member who loves you will encourage you until it is so. :D
Could not watch; mono signal was not put on both channels.
Thank you so much for this!