Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! Get the app the How to ADHD team relies on for our unified and collaborative weekly planning here: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd They’re offering a 30-day free trial if you use my link and are ADHD-friendly, so they don’t need you to put a credit card before you start.
Going to try Sunsama again, I was so overwhelmed last time but that was when I was just starting out. I’m almost 8 months into this path now and feeling a lot more confident in my ability to learn new things. ❤
How do you remember to put things in Sunsama? I'm afraid it'll work out like everything else: put things in, use them for a little bit, forget to put new things in, create a reminder to do so, snooze the alarm because I'm busy, disable the reminder because it keeps popping up at inopportune times, and stop using the tool.
@@br4nfl4k3sYou have an excellent question and one I struggle with as well. I buy calendars, planners, notebooks etc. and if I ever start, I soon forget. The one thing I am semi good at is my iPhone calendar. I put all my doctor appointments and hard schedules in most of the time. But going back to look at them. Week or month at a time is not easy. I am really tech proficient, but don’t want to pay for something I stop using.
Rehearsing ahead of time is often a helpful strategy for a lot of people! Many in our community use it as a way to help themselves feel more comfortable :)
I struggle with adding to a conversation with more than one person. People talking about something I want to comment on but I don’t want to interrupt. By the time I feel there is space in the flow of words the subject has changed.
Same. I always wonder how neurotypicals manage to read whatever body language or vocal cues they do (and process this info quickly enough) in the people they're talking to in order to find a natural pause in a convo to interject without interrupting. And/or to signal that they'd like to say something so that the other person pauses. . When I consider this and the contradictory fact that so many people don't actually *listen* to others -- hearing a few words and guessing the rest, and ending up answering questions not asked while failing to address the points actually brought up -- I don't understand how most people ever (in truth or even just in their own minds) feel that they manage to successfully communicate as speaker and/or listener.
As an awkward person it helps me to remember that conversation is a two-way activity, and that, sometimes you feel awkward because the other person is awkward too!
This is a BIG thing I've been trying to internalize recently. Most of my social interaction takes place in a community not known for having an abundance of social skills, so quite often I end up in awkward conversations or situations and then I feel bad for being awkward, even when it was actually the other person messing things up for a change
Yes! It helps me too. That's how I've always ended up hanging out with the new students nobody talked to, because I knew how intimidating it could be to start talking with a bunch of students you don't know, so I made small talk and gave them tips to feel more welcomed.
My favorite open ended question is, "What do you like to do with your days?" Especially as asking what a person's job or profession is considered rude in some cultures and not everyone is employed. 😊
In the Midwest we use the "Midwestern Goodbye" to end conversations: "Welp, better get going." If you're sitting down you pair it with slapping both hand on your thighs as you stand up. Traditionally it's followed up by a conversation at the door, and then a conversation in the driveway... but it can be a quick getaway if you're fast!
Having conversations with people has always been a challenge for me due to my ADHD. My mind often drifts, causing me to lose track of what’s being said and struggle to remember details. People would even get frustrated with me, and they will see my distraction as a lack of interest or me being insensitive. As a result, there have been a lot of misunderstandings as it strained many of my friendships and relationships, making it difficult to connect and communicate effectively.
That happens to me too. When I realize my mind is drifting, I’ll say “Sorry, something just distracted me. Can you go back to…” and then mention the last thing I remember them saying. Most people aren’t offended because you’re showing that you do want to listen. (It’s harder when you don’t really want to listen and wish they’d shut up. 😊)
Two main things that helped me with socializing 1. A conversation is NOT two people waiting for their turn to speak. It IS two people reflecting on what the other person has said to continue the conversation. 2. You are inexperienced and learning and with learning anything there will be mistakes.
Yes please! I do this often and then I feel very awkward afterwards. It's like I either say too much or I don't say anything. Its really hard to find a happy medium
Growing up with AuDHD in the 90's, I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, although I was lucky to have special supports that many did not during that era. One of the things that really helps me growing up was my parents making me aware of my autism, which allowed me to become aware of my own mannerisms. The biggest thing of all that I've learned over the years, and the thing that's gotten me noticed by many people, is that I stop to listen. I'm constantly tempted to talk people's ears off, but I've learned to stop and wait to listen to their response before continuing. If there's no interest, I don't bring it up, even if it kills me inside. You have to know your audience and who you're talking to. There are things I've talked to some people about, and don't with others. Ironically, I have someone who shares a lot of my diagnosis that drives me absolutely crazy, because he talks _at_ me, instead of talking _to_ me. It made me realize how important it is to pay attention to how people react, Auntie tried to lead with leading questions to see whether they're actually interested in talking about something.
Also, to add to something you mentioned in the episode, I also try to keep track of things I want to talk about, but I've also learned that if it's taken way too long to bring up my point, and I forget that point, there's a very good chance that ship has sailed anyway, and the point was probably doomed to be forgotten. I find it's often best as simply let it go, unless it's extremely important in which case I'll make note of it.
I think Caroline and Jessica touched on this a little bit in previous videos! Check them out! If they don't cover it in enough detail that is helpful... let us know :D ua-cam.com/video/p7SFuoNe2DI/v-deo.html ua-cam.com/video/28L1IPSf1N4/v-deo.html
This video isn’t just for ADHD-people. I know gobs of introverts and other awkward ppl who need this! 😅 including kids who are stuck on devices, don’t know how to interact w/ real-humans and heading into Middle School.
@@danielsac6316 I plan to watch this with my autistic hubs and my neuro-spicy teens. Imagine 6 people who struggle with conversations living under the same roof. 😬🤪
Thanks a lot. I really needed this. Theres a nuerotypical technique to facilitate conversation called the FORD method which presented some blindspots for nuerodivergant people. I think these 12 steps really patch up all the holes. Learned about the FORD method on a hyper fixation spree.
Thanks @johnPaul-bw1gk - We would love to potentially use this comment in a future video. Are you comfortable with us sharing the comment with your username or would you rather remain anonymous?
The only place I find it really easy to have small talk with random strangers is the Pet Store - or the cat section in the supermarket! As I leave I tell them I hope their cat acknowledges their efforts 😹
Yeah! It feels easier at a pet store - how DOESN'T want to talk about cute pets?! It sounds like a great place to practice conversation skills though! And maybe one day it'll be easier to do it outside the pet store too :)
I'm a board gamer, talking about game pieces and someone mentions their favourite colour is quite flowing to me as we are talking about which colour pieces we like to use in games. My favourite colour is yellow!
One thing that I have started if I have something that I would really like for someone else to ask me about I ask them about it first. For example if I had a really good weekend and I want to talk about it I ask them about their weekend. Afterwards they usually ask me about my weekend. I also love the fact that you continue to talk about games in a game store because board games are my big hobby.😊
My favorite open ended question in like a party/ icebreaker/ table talker situation is: “if you were a wizard what spell would you cast?” Because it’s a secret way of getting someone to tell you what they value or desire or what they dream about etc. people usually answer very truthfully and also explain their reasoning so you get some extra info on what they’re interested in or their worldview
Hi Jessica, I don't think you are going to read this but I need to express this, even if it's just for random people on the internet. I bought your book, and it made me cry on the introduction. I haven't even finished reading the second chapter and I just stopped crying to write this comment. I don't think I have ever been so well understood by someone, in the way I was by reading your book. It has become, without question, my favorite book, and I haven't even finished it yet. Thank you for sharing your story and starting this channel. Thank you for being you and inspiring me (and so many others) to be myself and ourselves. Much love ❤
Thanks for saying so! We're thinking of doing a series of "how to" videos for (seemingly) basic skills that aren't always so basic for us...how to declutter might be next!
I swear, when I had the "interview"-part with the doctor/therapist to find out if I had ADHD, this happened: Doctor:"So do you think you have---" she sees my gaze moving away from her to something behind her "--problems focusing?". I look back at her and say:"Sorry, there was something moving behind you, it was a flag outside the window, so nevermind, go on!" 😅😅
Paying attention during a conversation is something I struggled with even as a kid. I learned as a kid to respond to people talking to me like "uhu" and nodding your head, that sort of thing ... I also learned to say a line back to the person talking to me (it also helps me remembering what I need to remember, when I say it out loud, and the other person might find acknowledgement in that I guess). I did find out I like to talk ... like a lot. But listening to another person is a bit of a struggle. I even tend to block off comliments or comments about me or my behaviour etc...
Yeah! The active listening part can be... hard. It definitely takes practice... and for some it takes other strategies too (like having a fidget on hand, or doodling!). But ideally we can hooooopefully learn to steer the conversation in a way that does keep us a bit more interested to make listening a lil bit easier!
GREAT video! 🤓Some additional things that have helped me: 1) Pre-deciding a certain number of "volleys" of the conversational ball for places like work (or certain people! ; - ). 🎾 I easily lose track of time and have heightened rejection sensitivity about "talking too much" (according to SOME---others like it thankfully! < : - ). So pre-planning and exiting *myself* helps me avoid feeling hurt by those who haven't mastered the art of exiting graciously. "Leave 'em wanting more." 😄 2) When I'm the one needing to leave, I always try to end on a positive note (e.g. referencing something good in the conversation/how nice it was to see them) even if right before that I had to apologize for leaving abruptly. 😃 3) If I arrive early or at the same time as someone, I intentionally pick the seat/position with the least distracting view so I can listen better and not appear disinterested. Same with *putting my phone out of sight.* And if I get distracted while having a conversation with someone, sometimes I'll say, "I don't want to miss anything you're saying and that [big screen, drunken bachelorette party, parade of dogs... ; - ) behind you is really distracting me. Do you mind if we switch positions or move somewhere else so I can focus on you better?" In general, I find framing things as a positive helps." : - )
The way I learned to cope with my difficulty holding conversations when I was young was to avoid them as much as possible.... Had to start from scratch once I hit adulthood and actually had to start interacting with the world. Still a work in progress, and I am so thankful for the resources you and others have made so accessible.
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one feeling this way. For me, my biggest nemesis is attending a wedding. So many strangers and awkward conversations. It's so mentally draining, I usually have to recover from it for days lol. Great and very useful video for those situations!
As an AuDHD person this video was so informative and useful, I really love the way Caroline explains things. I also loved the use of the puppets it was so fun.
Getting out of a conversation is the hard part for me, and it applies to leaving a party/gathering as well. Somehow that's even more difficult for me. I really like the conversation ender suggestions.
hi jessica! i just wanted to tell u that u inspired me and helped me a lot and when i was doing my english course during summer we had to talk about our idol and i chose u and talked abt u :)
I'm so bad at not ending conversations abruptly! Jessica's tip about "I'm so glad we chattED" is great. I also enjoyed the arm movement at 13:05 For when they *really* don't get the hint 😂
Crossing your arms and then uncrossing them is a nonverbal signal of, "We're cut off from each other and I'm opening up to you." Seeing a really obvious physical sign might be enough to push someone to open themselves up as well and uncross their own arms.
Another useful tip that idnr where it's from is the "Yes, and" technique. It helps you practice making open-ended responses that the other person(s) can build off of. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone who only gives "yes, no, maybe, idk" reponses because they give you nothing to work with when formulating a follow-up response to their reply. Conversation really is a two-way street.
This was awesome! After working in customer service for years I've gotten pretty good at _most_ steps, but I fail miserably at "bridging" topics, which leaves most conversations ending abruptly because I've run out of things to say (sometimes after awkwardly prompting the person to keep talking about a subject I don't care about). But I've never thought about it in the way you guys present here, I definitely gotta think about that some more and then practice it.
Yes, ENDING a conversation is the one I struggle with. Want it but don't know how to do politly and later I am the one that talked too long🤦🏽♀️ Nope! They just didn't leave me alone! I was clearly not interested, but told to "be polite". In the end whatever I do will be wrong...😢
I cannot tell you how many times I wish and want and sometimes beg the UA-cam vids or wish I could interrupt a public speaker to ask them to give an example/step by step to support or explain or give me a list of "x" to help me get started. I know why people don't cause they don't want people to think that's the only way, but for me it help get my brain firing off and allows me to build on it and make it my own. I love this video.
Caroline is awesome, and I’m so glad you’re both active on UA-cam because you both help me so much. Fall classes start on the 19th and #LoveLearning year two is underway. Thank you both for all your help! ❤
I usually have no problems with listening to others, but I have no damn idea what I should say or talk about in general. For example a person is telling their story to me and I'm like "ohh man that's cool/not cool" and then I freeze. Complete silence until the other person continues talking. And it's not that I'm not interested in the topic! I just have no idea what to reply most of the times, what to ask etc, lol. Like I was too focused on listening that I forgot to think about talking. This video is really useful, I need to try these tips out! Thank you, Jess!
this was one of my fav episodes. i loved the use of puppets, notes board and speech bubbles .All these visual cues really make a difference to understanding and recalling the content.
Awesome strategies, especially the exit! Coming back to add, I love your outro music! I’m going to try to get my brain to give me that instead of some of the songs I dislike, that get lodged for *days*
I am so excited for sunsama. Thank you! Conversation wise, I apologize for interrupting often and I try to redeem myself by steering the conversation back to what they were about to say. If I catch myself interrupting it helps to physically cover my mouth.
One thing for exiting a conversation is to do the "I have to leave soon" part but add on "before I do I would love to hear how your story ends or how that thing ended up or some tips you recommend etc." Then essentially it becomes more of an im interested but I need you to wrap it up vs. and I don't want to talk to you anymore.
THANK YOU!!! I've been struggling with conversations a lot lately even though it's something that usually comes naturally to me. I really appreciate seeing basic conversation guides, it's really encouraging! I'd love it if you could do a video on how to talk about having ADHD to people that don't know much about it (even the supportive people) I'm finally at a point where I feel safe talking about how my brain works, but sometimes I think my delivery is a bit off and that people are getting the wrong impression 😅 I want to socialize, and to be understood but I forgot how to people. Please help. lol
I use many of those tips! I've learned how to be a good listener my whole life, so I'm good at mantaining conversations, but I struggle at starting them and talking about my interests or myself (11:10 is not ridiculous at all, that's how I feel too many times). I'm a people pleaser, so I have to be careful to not fall in harmful habits (like saying yes to everything or talking about things I'm not comfortable with). Also, the moment I feel someone isn't interested in hearing me, that's when I shut down. Too many times I've been ignored or talked over, or plainly showed disinterest in what I was saying, so now it's hard for me to open up. Although now I have good friends with whom I feel comfortable enough to talk about my passions (they always ask for more info), I'm still working on talking about myself, my feelings and my struggles openly. For the "How to exit conversations" part, that could be a good moment to ask for the other person's number, either for keeping in touch/talk about a second meeting, or to remember their name. I've been in the situation that I remember a person, but I don't remember their name, so telling them that I don't know if I have their number helped to find it 😅
This video is so great, thank you!! I would love a part 2 for talking at parties though. Because I struggle a lot when there are lots of people you want to talk to, and lots of them are strangers, and then there are some friends. A few examples of what can get difficult: 1) I managed to start chatting with someone and it's going well (yay!) and then I catch a snippet of a conversation the people next to us are having and it's a topic I feel passionately about, so I speak up and say something without thinking. But then the conversation shifts and I want to go back to the conversation I was having with my original conversation partner(s) but it's difficult because I left the conversation without warning and they are looking at their phones, and it's hard to reignite that talk. 2) Everything is overstimulating! There are 5 conversations going on and I cannot tune any of them out but that means I cannot join any of the conversations either. So I sit around in silence for a long time. 3) I really want to talk to my only friend at the party but they're already talking to someone else, and it seems like a one-on-one conversation. So I sit somewhere else with a bunch of strangers that I know nothing about. How do I start talking to them when they're either already having a lively conversation about something I'm not interested in or maybe they are just sitting around quietly because they are shy as well? A random party doesn't really imply a common interest. And I once tried asking "How do you know the person who's party this is?" and they said "From work, we work together." and I was like "Oh okay, cool." And I already know the place they work at, so I didn't know what else to ask there. And nobody likes to talk about work while at a party. 4) I'm at a big table with lots of people who are just sipping their drinks. Who do I even start a conversation with? With everyone??? How does that even work? 5) It's a smaller party and everyone is really good friends. Maybe they went to school together and have lots of history or they just spend a lot of time together. And I'm just good friends with one of them. So they're all constantly throwing around references I don't get or they're reminiscing about past events that they experienced together. How can I really take part in the conversation when I don't have enough background knowledge about these people and I'm also shy around them? And they all seem so close? I don't even know what jobs they have or who this "Tom" is that they keep talking about. And I don't want to interrupt the conversations with my questions because some of these things might take really long to explain. Anyway. There are probably a million more examples I could give. But I hope this gets the gist across that there are different challenges in situations that aren't one-on-one, especially at parties.
Great video! I appreciate all of the communication and relationship based videos. This was so helpful! I'd like to know more or have more discussion about how to know when the other person isn't interested.
great video, thanks for sharing! 9:19 also with the yawning, instead avoiding doing it (because we yawn to oxygenate to stay awake) we can provide context instead "I *am* really interested in what you're saying, I'm just tired, so the yawn isn't about what you're saying it's about my energy level" (and to address a "what if": if the other person can't accept that honestly provided context, then thaaat's on them XP)
I really loved the puppets! It was like a callback to some of the old videos on this channel, when you used props. It makes the info engaging, and also easier to connect to the ideas with a demonstration. Also, they are friendly anthropomorphised sock guys. What’s not to like?!
Good refreshers, especially #6-8, which I'm working on, though I in the past had got it down. I work around college students so it'll be a good place to work on it to become better. Thanks Jessica!
I think my biggest issue to talking with strangers is why. I absolutely hate small talk and would rather just get straight to the point of what I am asking for
I find admitting that I'm having an ADHD/etc moment when the record scratches on a conversation can actually really smooth things over... It takes a bit of courage but it can be very effective as long as you don't overuse it.
Honestly very surprised by how much I connected with this video, the actual start of a conversation is always one of the hardest things for me, along with continuing conversations. What I've noticed in particular is that these techniques are often things I already do, except that I do them much better in text conversations where I'm able to think about things and see them written out all at once. But they're still things I can practice--especially something like being able to practice a few useful open-ended questions. The bit about switching topics/focusing on specific topics during a conversation was funny, because it reminded me of some computer RPGs like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and the way that those games have conversations where you switch topics in the same way.
Here's a thought: if I was going to mention that "bunch of stuff" after 10:50 or so, I might very well say it out loud as a list, with pasues in between and maybe even visibly counting out on my fingers, before asking the other person which one they would most like to hear about.
For initial question, I have heard that instead of saying: What do you do for a living? I would ask: What do you do for fun? The first question implies, consciously or unconsciously, trying to rank the person according to the prestige of careers or wealth (you know, doctor instead of garbageman) whereas the second question has less of that.
I have trouble explaining things clearly, even in my own language. When I speak, I often notice people losing interest because I stumble over my words and can't express myself well. When a stranger asks me a question, my mind often goes blank, and I end up saying something awkward. Later, I regret it, wishing I had said something different.
Such a helpful video. Two comments. First, what is we wanna jump in the conversation and share something but the person keeps talking and makes it difficult to stay engaged?(I hate it when people talk for long without me participating) Second, the listening part was all new to me and I didn't understand it fully. Can you make another video on the listening topic? Thank you so much :)
That part at the end of step 7 - I wish it was a social norm for people to list things like "I play dungeons and dragons on tuesdays and this week I'm going to the farmer's market the day before so I'll get to try out some new veggie recipes to bring over and..." so the other person has menu of topics to choose from for the "tell me more about that". More often I experience "I play d&d on tuesdays" and I have to be confident enough to say "what's d&d" and hope that 1 - I'm not outting myself as weird for not knowing and 2 - this is something I'll be glad I'm going to be talking about and even 3 - this is something acceptable to ask about and won't turnout to stand for something taboo or private like "dueling & drinking" or "diabetes and dysmenorrhoea"
I was crossing my arms today while talking. 😂 Oops. I even was thinking I probably shouldn't do this. Arms are weird. I always think about Ricky Bobby not knowing what to do with his hands in Talladega nights. Pull up the cup of that scene if you don't know. It's great. 😂
Yes, there's something you missed! How do you end a conversation when you're not able to walk away? Like, when you meet a colls on the train but your brain wants alone time? Anyways, great video and great to have you on my youtube feed again!!!
You can still use the exiting conversation lines! They can be adjusted or edited to fit different scenarios. "It was good to see you. I'll talk to you later." Just something that can help put the conversation in the past, and that you're moving on. :)
@@HowtoADHD No but like, what if that person has SAT DOWN next to you? (European speaking here... I think this is probably a less common problem in the US? But it's, like, REALLY common here... 🙈.) On another note: Waaaaaaah, thank you for replying!!
@@cesbiyou can go like "hey thanks for the conversation but I gotta get something done" then pull up your phone or a book or put on headphones or something, it doesn't have to be a real thing, sitting in silence with someone else is also completely ok
One of the problems I'd like more strategies for dealing with is when you signal that the conversation is done or that you have to go and they won't let the conversation end. Some of them will even step in your way to prevent you from going.
The actual subject and info of the video was great and useful and all that stuff, of course, but also I for one would love to hear about your favorite boardgames. (I'm pretty new around here, so this content could already exist somewhere...)
My biggest issue with socializing is knowing what topics are/are not off limits. I've had a very difficult life, with a LOT of death and loss and brokenness around me at a young age. It made me who I am, I'm not ashamed of it, and to conceal those parts of me and my story feels very wrong to me -- like I'm lying to people. (I also don't really HAVE lot of 'happy things' in my past to draw on.) Yet whenever I talk about my life, my normal, I get blacklisted because I'm 'too negative.' I'm not being negative, I'm actually a very happy and grateful person, that's just how my life IS. 99% of what has happened to me was absolutely out of my control and not my fault. How do I talk about myself, my life, and my interests without making people think I'm this horrible, awful, annoying, negative person all the time? When do I bring that up? At my old job, I had a couple of workmates who I think wanted to be friends with me but I just COULDN'T because I didn't want to share ANYTHING about my life just in case they turned on me too. And I was in an emotional place where I could not have handled another rejection without a full-scale mental breakdown (which would have then resulted in us being homeless because I am the only person in the house 'healthy' enough to hold down a job). So yeah... how do neurotypicals magically know what to share and when and with who? (And what do you talk about when your life does not have a lot of what people would consider 'good times' for me to talk about?)
Another thing I've found helpful: Know how to respond to something negative. For example, if I ask someone how their weekend was and they say their grandma or wife died, it can be helpful to have a go-to response for that. It does take a lot of practice though (and possibly a bit of research). I've found that expressing sympathy (like, "I'm sorry that happened") combined with an invitation to talk about it (such as "what's something you miss about them" or "did you know them well") tends to go over well (although it's important to read body language when choosing the follow up question) It also depends on how involved you want to get in that conversation though. The main way I would encounter them was while I was working as a cashier (I don't like being bored, and talking to customers made it more interesting) so my conversations only lasted until I finished scanning groceries, meaning I didn't usually need to worry about a conversation lasting longer than I wanted it to.
I've been working retail for almost a decade and as much as I don't enjoy it, I also have to admit it's been a good place to practice socializing. One, most of the people there I'll never see again, so even if I fumble a bit it's fine, as long as it's not so big a fumble to get fired anyway lol Two, I have a lot of work related scripts that I've built for myself over the years that sorta form a scaffolding I can build off of. And three, since I'm primarily a cashier, I've just had a ton of practice whether I wanted to or not. I'm not sure I'd recommend "get a job in retail" specifically to learn to socialize with strangers, but it's been a nice side effect. Now, it's socializing with people who aren't strangers but also aren't friends yet, that's the tricky kind of socializing. A friend already knows you and your quirks, you'll probably never see that stranger again, but that weird middle ground can be awkward lol
"Try not to yawn" also made me yawn- I feel like I have it as a stress response sometimes, I don't even have to be tired! But I did notice it probably made me seem disinterested. If I feel I have to yawn, I usually do kind of an "internal yawn" which is really just a deep nose breath. I think my body is trying to trick me into taking a calming breath to regulate anyway, so it usually works!
my general go to when i dont know what to do or say is to mirror what the other human said to me but turn it into a question! that or ask if they have any children/pets because those are always topics that humans like to talk about.
I would like to hear more about this but on how to flirt. I don't normally have too much of a problem starting a normal conversation, but if I want to try to flirt, my brain just... doesn't want to work, at least not at the moment. I think it works too hard contemplating what to say and just shuts down. Especially if it's someone I don't know.
I often have no problem starting conversations, it's when other people want to stop and I don't pick it up until hours after the conversation ended 😮 It dawns on me, oh they tried to leave three times over the course of 45 minutes and I basically talked to their poor ears off 😂 I typically realize it after and obsess over how oblivious I always am, welcome to one of many reasons for sleepless nights
I totally get it. I think many of us struggle with that. And rumination. Watching for the signs someone wants to exit is so hard. I think that would be a great video. I actually have a bunch of material on this. @authorcarolinem is my You Tube. I will work on that!! So glad to get to make this video with Jess. The puppets made it so much fun. Caroline
Thanks to Sunsama for sponsoring this video! Get the app the How to ADHD team relies on for our unified and collaborative weekly planning here: www.sunsama.com/a/jessicafromhowtoadhd
They’re offering a 30-day free trial if you use my link and are ADHD-friendly, so they don’t need you to put a credit card before you start.
Going to try Sunsama again, I was so overwhelmed last time but that was when I was just starting out. I’m almost 8 months into this path now and feeling a lot more confident in my ability to learn new things. ❤
@@CetraOriens Take it at your own pace too!
How do you remember to put things in Sunsama? I'm afraid it'll work out like everything else: put things in, use them for a little bit, forget to put new things in, create a reminder to do so, snooze the alarm because I'm busy, disable the reminder because it keeps popping up at inopportune times, and stop using the tool.
@@br4nfl4k3sYou have an excellent question and one I struggle with as well. I buy calendars, planners, notebooks etc. and if I ever start, I soon forget. The one thing I am semi good at is my iPhone calendar. I put all my doctor appointments and hard schedules in most of the time. But going back to look at them. Week or month at a time is not easy.
I am really tech proficient, but don’t want to pay for something I stop using.
Thank you
I sometimes catch myself rehearsing conversations before they happen lol
Rehearsing ahead of time is often a helpful strategy for a lot of people! Many in our community use it as a way to help themselves feel more comfortable :)
I do this too, especially for telephone enquiries and appointments, where I will write my questions down and set out space for the answers 😁👌
sometimes? I feel like i rehearse *every* conversation
I do this all the time!😊
@@TheBlueArcher Did you also rehearse this comment? Because I did 🙂
I struggle with adding to a conversation with more than one person. People talking about something I want to comment on but I don’t want to interrupt. By the time I feel there is space in the flow of words the subject has changed.
Same. I always wonder how neurotypicals manage to read whatever body language or vocal cues they do (and process this info quickly enough) in the people they're talking to in order to find a natural pause in a convo to interject without interrupting. And/or to signal that they'd like to say something so that the other person pauses.
.
When I consider this and the contradictory fact that so many people don't actually *listen* to others -- hearing a few words and guessing the rest, and ending up answering questions not asked while failing to address the points actually brought up -- I don't understand how most people ever (in truth or even just in their own minds) feel that they manage to successfully communicate as speaker and/or listener.
I got stuck where I am supposed to stay on topic. I will break mid-word to mention the random thought that popped in.
As an awkward person it helps me to remember that conversation is a two-way activity, and that, sometimes you feel awkward because the other person is awkward too!
This is a BIG thing I've been trying to internalize recently. Most of my social interaction takes place in a community not known for having an abundance of social skills, so quite often I end up in awkward conversations or situations and then I feel bad for being awkward, even when it was actually the other person messing things up for a change
Yes! It helps me too. That's how I've always ended up hanging out with the new students nobody talked to, because I knew how intimidating it could be to start talking with a bunch of students you don't know, so I made small talk and gave them tips to feel more welcomed.
I approve of our sock puppet overlords taking over this channel
My favorite open ended question is, "What do you like to do with your days?" Especially as asking what a person's job or profession is considered rude in some cultures and not everyone is employed. 😊
In the Midwest we use the "Midwestern Goodbye" to end conversations: "Welp, better get going." If you're sitting down you pair it with slapping both hand on your thighs as you stand up. Traditionally it's followed up by a conversation at the door, and then a conversation in the driveway... but it can be a quick getaway if you're fast!
Ahahaha I wondered if someone was going to bring up the "Midwestern Goodbye" 🤣😊🧡
That's definitely a thing. I think the only way out of it is to be so blottered that you just pass out on the driveway.
We do it in Ontario too
@@HowtoADHDin Germany we do the slapping of both hands on thighs too 😊 We then say „Na dann…“ („Well then…“)
@@meggylee8078Seems to be a Canadian thing. Happened when I lived in BC, Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Ontario. 😅
Having conversations with people has always been a challenge for me due to my ADHD. My mind often drifts, causing me to lose track of what’s being said and struggle to remember details. People would even get frustrated with me, and they will see my distraction as a lack of interest or me being insensitive. As a result, there have been a lot of misunderstandings as it strained many of my friendships and relationships, making it difficult to connect and communicate effectively.
That happens to me too. When I realize my mind is drifting, I’ll say “Sorry, something just distracted me. Can you go back to…” and then mention the last thing I remember them saying. Most people aren’t offended because you’re showing that you do want to listen. (It’s harder when you don’t really want to listen and wish they’d shut up. 😊)
Two main things that helped me with socializing
1. A conversation is NOT two people waiting for their turn to speak. It IS two people reflecting on what the other person has said to continue the conversation.
2. You are inexperienced and learning and with learning anything there will be mistakes.
I think I might need a video on how to stop talking. My info dumps are very lengthy. ❤😊
Ohhh yeah the info dump desire is real and hard to contain! We'll make a note of it!
Yes please! I do this often and then I feel very awkward afterwards. It's like I either say too much or I don't say anything. Its really hard to find a happy medium
Ditto! Please cover this, the struggle is real.
This is also really useful for a non-native English speaker! I have been struggling to hold a conversation and this is super helpful.
Growing up with AuDHD in the 90's, I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, although I was lucky to have special supports that many did not during that era.
One of the things that really helps me growing up was my parents making me aware of my autism, which allowed me to become aware of my own mannerisms.
The biggest thing of all that I've learned over the years, and the thing that's gotten me noticed by many people, is that I stop to listen. I'm constantly tempted to talk people's ears off, but I've learned to stop and wait to listen to their response before continuing. If there's no interest, I don't bring it up, even if it kills me inside. You have to know your audience and who you're talking to. There are things I've talked to some people about, and don't with others.
Ironically, I have someone who shares a lot of my diagnosis that drives me absolutely crazy, because he talks _at_ me, instead of talking _to_ me. It made me realize how important it is to pay attention to how people react, Auntie tried to lead with leading questions to see whether they're actually interested in talking about something.
Also, to add to something you mentioned in the episode, I also try to keep track of things I want to talk about, but I've also learned that if it's taken way too long to bring up my point, and I forget that point, there's a very good chance that ship has sailed anyway, and the point was probably doomed to be forgotten. I find it's often best as simply let it go, unless it's extremely important in which case I'll make note of it.
Something useful on this topic would be the different levels of intimacy in conversation.
I think Caroline and Jessica touched on this a little bit in previous videos! Check them out! If they don't cover it in enough detail that is helpful... let us know :D
ua-cam.com/video/p7SFuoNe2DI/v-deo.html
ua-cam.com/video/28L1IPSf1N4/v-deo.html
This video isn’t just for ADHD-people. I know gobs of introverts and other awkward ppl who need this! 😅 including kids who are stuck on devices, don’t know how to interact w/ real-humans and heading into Middle School.
True. As a non-ADHDer, autistic man, this is quite helpful.
I think post-pandemic we’ll be seeing the fallout of isolation for a while.
Good point! Updated the title to reflect that :)
You are so right! I use these ideas with all ages- Caroline
@@danielsac6316 I plan to watch this with my autistic hubs and my neuro-spicy teens. Imagine 6 people who struggle with conversations living under the same roof. 😬🤪
Thanks a lot. I really needed this. Theres a nuerotypical technique to facilitate conversation called the FORD method which presented some blindspots for nuerodivergant people. I think these 12 steps really patch up all the holes. Learned about the FORD method on a hyper fixation spree.
Topics to talk about to start and never run out of things to say.
F- friends
O- occupation
R- recreation
D- dreams
Thanks @johnPaul-bw1gk - We would love to potentially use this comment in a future video. Are you comfortable with us sharing the comment with your username or would you rather remain anonymous?
@@HowtoADHD Very cool of you guys to ask if people are comfortable having their name put in the video! 👍🏻
Feel free to share the comment with my username. Big fan of your work. All the best. 👍@@HowtoADHD
The only place I find it really easy to have small talk with random strangers is the Pet Store - or the cat section in the supermarket! As I leave I tell them I hope their cat acknowledges their efforts 😹
Yeah! It feels easier at a pet store - how DOESN'T want to talk about cute pets?! It sounds like a great place to practice conversation skills though! And maybe one day it'll be easier to do it outside the pet store too :)
Considering I like animals more than people, I completely agree!
I'm a board gamer, talking about game pieces and someone mentions their favourite colour is quite flowing to me as we are talking about which colour pieces we like to use in games. My favourite colour is yellow!
Purple here! Happy gaming!
Especially useful with those who are AuDHD
One thing that I have started if I have something that I would really like for someone else to ask me about I ask them about it first. For example if I had a really good weekend and I want to talk about it I ask them about their weekend. Afterwards they usually ask me about my weekend.
I also love the fact that you continue to talk about games in a game store because board games are my big hobby.😊
I haven’t been this entertained by hand puppets since Sesame Street!
Hehehe glad you enjoyed them!
Anybody who doesn't enjoy a good handpuppet is probably dead inside.
Also that one episode of Angel where he is turned into a vampire puppet.
Hello there, Brains & Hearts 🧠❤
Hello!
My favorite open ended question in like a party/ icebreaker/ table talker situation is: “if you were a wizard what spell would you cast?” Because it’s a secret way of getting someone to tell you what they value or desire or what they dream about etc. people usually answer very truthfully and also explain their reasoning so you get some extra info on what they’re interested in or their worldview
Hi Jessica, I don't think you are going to read this but I need to express this, even if it's just for random people on the internet.
I bought your book, and it made me cry on the introduction. I haven't even finished reading the second chapter and I just stopped crying to write this comment. I don't think I have ever been so well understood by someone, in the way I was by reading your book. It has become, without question, my favorite book, and I haven't even finished it yet.
Thank you for sharing your story and starting this channel. Thank you for being you and inspiring me (and so many others) to be myself and ourselves.
Much love ❤
I didn't...think I'd get so much out of this. But to hear this stuff quantified so clearly is SUPER valuable.
Thanks for saying so! We're thinking of doing a series of "how to" videos for (seemingly) basic skills that aren't always so basic for us...how to declutter might be next!
I swear, when I had the "interview"-part with the doctor/therapist to find out if I had ADHD, this happened: Doctor:"So do you think you have---" she sees my gaze moving away from her to something behind her "--problems focusing?". I look back at her and say:"Sorry, there was something moving behind you, it was a flag outside the window, so nevermind, go on!" 😅😅
Paying attention during a conversation is something I struggled with even as a kid. I learned as a kid to respond to people talking to me like "uhu" and nodding your head, that sort of thing ... I also learned to say a line back to the person talking to me (it also helps me remembering what I need to remember, when I say it out loud, and the other person might find acknowledgement in that I guess). I did find out I like to talk ... like a lot. But listening to another person is a bit of a struggle. I even tend to block off comliments or comments about me or my behaviour etc...
Yeah! The active listening part can be... hard. It definitely takes practice... and for some it takes other strategies too (like having a fidget on hand, or doodling!). But ideally we can hooooopefully learn to steer the conversation in a way that does keep us a bit more interested to make listening a lil bit easier!
GREAT video! 🤓Some additional things that have helped me: 1) Pre-deciding a certain number of "volleys" of the conversational ball for places like work (or certain people! ; - ). 🎾 I easily lose track of time and have heightened rejection sensitivity about "talking too much" (according to SOME---others like it thankfully! < : - ). So pre-planning and exiting *myself* helps me avoid feeling hurt by those who haven't mastered the art of exiting graciously. "Leave 'em wanting more." 😄
2) When I'm the one needing to leave, I always try to end on a positive note (e.g. referencing something good in the conversation/how nice it was to see them) even if right before that I had to apologize for leaving abruptly. 😃
3) If I arrive early or at the same time as someone, I intentionally pick the seat/position with the least distracting view so I can listen better and not appear disinterested. Same with *putting my phone out of sight.* And if I get distracted while having a conversation with someone, sometimes I'll say, "I don't want to miss anything you're saying and that [big screen, drunken bachelorette party, parade of dogs... ; - ) behind you is really distracting me. Do you mind if we switch positions or move somewhere else so I can focus on you better?" In general, I find framing things as a positive helps." : - )
The way I learned to cope with my difficulty holding conversations when I was young was to avoid them as much as possible.... Had to start from scratch once I hit adulthood and actually had to start interacting with the world. Still a work in progress, and I am so thankful for the resources you and others have made so accessible.
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one feeling this way. For me, my biggest nemesis is attending a wedding. So many strangers and awkward conversations. It's so mentally draining, I usually have to recover from it for days lol. Great and very useful video for those situations!
As an AuDHD person this video was so informative and useful, I really love the way Caroline explains things. I also loved the use of the puppets it was so fun.
I am so glad you liked it. I loved the puppets!! Caroline
Getting out of a conversation is the hard part for me, and it applies to leaving a party/gathering as well. Somehow that's even more difficult for me. I really like the conversation ender suggestions.
hi jessica! i just wanted to tell u that u inspired me and helped me a lot and when i was doing my english course during summer we had to talk about our idol and i chose u and talked abt u :)
I'm so bad at not ending conversations abruptly! Jessica's tip about "I'm so glad we chattED" is great.
I also enjoyed the arm movement at 13:05 For when they *really* don't get the hint 😂
Crossing your arms and then uncrossing them is a nonverbal signal of, "We're cut off from each other and I'm opening up to you." Seeing a really obvious physical sign might be enough to push someone to open themselves up as well and uncross their own arms.
Another useful tip that idnr where it's from is the "Yes, and" technique. It helps you practice making open-ended responses that the other person(s) can build off of. It's really hard to have a conversation with someone who only gives "yes, no, maybe, idk" reponses because they give you nothing to work with when formulating a follow-up response to their reply. Conversation really is a two-way street.
This was awesome! After working in customer service for years I've gotten pretty good at _most_ steps, but I fail miserably at "bridging" topics, which leaves most conversations ending abruptly because I've run out of things to say (sometimes after awkwardly prompting the person to keep talking about a subject I don't care about). But I've never thought about it in the way you guys present here, I definitely gotta think about that some more and then practice it.
"Have you played this game before?" is a close-ended question though! (Enjoying the tips, just caught that! 😂)
Yes, ENDING a conversation is the one I struggle with.
Want it but don't know how to do politly and later I am the one that talked too long🤦🏽♀️
Nope! They just didn't leave me alone! I was clearly not interested, but told to "be polite".
In the end whatever I do will be wrong...😢
I cannot tell you how many times I wish and want and sometimes beg the UA-cam vids or wish I could interrupt a public speaker to ask them to give an example/step by step to support or explain or give me a list of "x" to help me get started. I know why people don't cause they don't want people to think that's the only way, but for me it help get my brain firing off and allows me to build on it and make it my own. I love this video.
Caroline is awesome, and I’m so glad you’re both active on UA-cam because you both help me so much. Fall classes start on the 19th and #LoveLearning year two is underway. Thank you both for all your help! ❤
You finally got those puppets you were talking about! Good job
Yeah!! Aren't they adorable?!
Those puppets are super cute. Please continue using them.
this is actually perfect timing because college classes start soon and i’m gonna meet a lot of new people this semester :)
Goodluck!! The handout can be helpful too! Caroline
“Don’t cross your arms”. Ok…but what do I DO with my arms and hands???!! They just hang there awkwardly! 🤣
I usually have no problems with listening to others, but I have no damn idea what I should say or talk about in general. For example a person is telling their story to me and I'm like "ohh man that's cool/not cool" and then I freeze. Complete silence until the other person continues talking. And it's not that I'm not interested in the topic! I just have no idea what to reply most of the times, what to ask etc, lol. Like I was too focused on listening that I forgot to think about talking.
This video is really useful, I need to try these tips out! Thank you, Jess!
Thank you for sharing this. It is a great basis for how to interact with other people.
this was one of my fav episodes. i loved the use of puppets, notes board and speech bubbles .All these visual cues really make a difference to understanding and recalling the content.
This video might save my social life.
Hope it helps!
Awesome strategies, especially the exit!
Coming back to add, I love your outro music! I’m going to try to get my brain to give me that instead of some of the songs I dislike, that get lodged for *days*
Ahahah, the puppets are a hoot, I love it 🤣 We need more of this!
I am so excited for sunsama. Thank you! Conversation wise, I apologize for interrupting often and I try to redeem myself by steering the conversation back to what they were about to say. If I catch myself interrupting it helps to physically cover my mouth.
One thing for exiting a conversation is to do the "I have to leave soon" part but add on "before I do I would love to hear how your story ends or how that thing ended up or some tips you recommend etc." Then essentially it becomes more of an im interested but I need you to wrap it up vs. and I don't want to talk to you anymore.
THANK YOU!!! I've been struggling with conversations a lot lately even though it's something that usually comes naturally to me. I really appreciate seeing basic conversation guides, it's really encouraging!
I'd love it if you could do a video on how to talk about having ADHD to people that don't know much about it (even the supportive people) I'm finally at a point where I feel safe talking about how my brain works, but sometimes I think my delivery is a bit off and that people are getting the wrong impression 😅 I want to socialize, and to be understood but I forgot how to people. Please help. lol
The puppets are so cute 😀!
I use many of those tips! I've learned how to be a good listener my whole life, so I'm good at mantaining conversations, but I struggle at starting them and talking about my interests or myself (11:10 is not ridiculous at all, that's how I feel too many times). I'm a people pleaser, so I have to be careful to not fall in harmful habits (like saying yes to everything or talking about things I'm not comfortable with).
Also, the moment I feel someone isn't interested in hearing me, that's when I shut down. Too many times I've been ignored or talked over, or plainly showed disinterest in what I was saying, so now it's hard for me to open up. Although now I have good friends with whom I feel comfortable enough to talk about my passions (they always ask for more info), I'm still working on talking about myself, my feelings and my struggles openly.
For the "How to exit conversations" part, that could be a good moment to ask for the other person's number, either for keeping in touch/talk about a second meeting, or to remember their name. I've been in the situation that I remember a person, but I don't remember their name, so telling them that I don't know if I have their number helped to find it 😅
This video is so great, thank you!!
I would love a part 2 for talking at parties though. Because I struggle a lot when there are lots of people you want to talk to, and lots of them are strangers, and then there are some friends.
A few examples of what can get difficult:
1) I managed to start chatting with someone and it's going well (yay!) and then I catch a snippet of a conversation the people next to us are having and it's a topic I feel passionately about, so I speak up and say something without thinking. But then the conversation shifts and I want to go back to the conversation I was having with my original conversation partner(s) but it's difficult because I left the conversation without warning and they are looking at their phones, and it's hard to reignite that talk.
2) Everything is overstimulating! There are 5 conversations going on and I cannot tune any of them out but that means I cannot join any of the conversations either. So I sit around in silence for a long time.
3) I really want to talk to my only friend at the party but they're already talking to someone else, and it seems like a one-on-one conversation. So I sit somewhere else with a bunch of strangers that I know nothing about. How do I start talking to them when they're either already having a lively conversation about something I'm not interested in or maybe they are just sitting around quietly because they are shy as well? A random party doesn't really imply a common interest. And I once tried asking "How do you know the person who's party this is?" and they said "From work, we work together." and I was like "Oh okay, cool." And I already know the place they work at, so I didn't know what else to ask there. And nobody likes to talk about work while at a party.
4) I'm at a big table with lots of people who are just sipping their drinks. Who do I even start a conversation with? With everyone??? How does that even work?
5) It's a smaller party and everyone is really good friends. Maybe they went to school together and have lots of history or they just spend a lot of time together. And I'm just good friends with one of them. So they're all constantly throwing around references I don't get or they're reminiscing about past events that they experienced together. How can I really take part in the conversation when I don't have enough background knowledge about these people and I'm also shy around them? And they all seem so close? I don't even know what jobs they have or who this "Tom" is that they keep talking about. And I don't want to interrupt the conversations with my questions because some of these things might take really long to explain.
Anyway. There are probably a million more examples I could give. But I hope this gets the gist across that there are different challenges in situations that aren't one-on-one, especially at parties.
OH THAT IS a good idea. I have thought of that!! Caroline
This came at the perfect time for where I am in my life. Thanks for the helpful resource.
Great video! I appreciate all of the communication and relationship based videos. This was so helpful! I'd like to know more or have more discussion about how to know when the other person isn't interested.
Can we do a conversations with people we do know, especially serious conversations this is so nice
Thank you for the ideas. How do we be more polite and not talk someone’s ear off, or how do we keep from interrupting?
Personally, I'd need a video on how to STOP talking! 😂
Great video, as always!
I love "ooo, subscribe!" ❤ That's so easy and quick!
I haven't even Started this yet and I have 2 dates coming up this month Perfect Timing THANK YOU!
great video, thanks for sharing!
9:19 also with the yawning, instead avoiding doing it (because we yawn to oxygenate to stay awake) we can provide context instead "I *am* really interested in what you're saying, I'm just tired, so the yawn isn't about what you're saying it's about my energy level" (and to address a "what if": if the other person can't accept that honestly provided context, then thaaat's on them XP)
I really loved the puppets! It was like a callback to some of the old videos on this channel, when you used props. It makes the info engaging, and also easier to connect to the ideas with a demonstration. Also, they are friendly anthropomorphised sock guys. What’s not to like?!
You do amazing work! I watch your videos when I feel overwhelmed and feel crazy . I very much appreciate you ✌💚
Good refreshers, especially #6-8, which I'm working on, though I in the past had got it down. I work around college students so it'll be a good place to work on it to become better.
Thanks Jessica!
Hope it helps and let us know how it goes!!
@@HowtoADHD I'll try to remember. 😄 I'll write it down. 😃
I'm currently on medical leave for surgery so I'll have time to practice at it by myself.
Not sure if I feel seen or if I feel outright surveilled
👁️👄👁️
This is so great!
I think my biggest issue to talking with strangers is why. I absolutely hate small talk and would rather just get straight to the point of what I am asking for
I find admitting that I'm having an ADHD/etc moment when the record scratches on a conversation can actually really smooth things over... It takes a bit of courage but it can be very effective as long as you don't overuse it.
omg those are the most adorable sock puppets in all of everdom.
Something I struggle with/hate/avoid but I've found is hugely important to neurmal people/in general: goodbyes.
Honestly very surprised by how much I connected with this video, the actual start of a conversation is always one of the hardest things for me, along with continuing conversations. What I've noticed in particular is that these techniques are often things I already do, except that I do them much better in text conversations where I'm able to think about things and see them written out all at once. But they're still things I can practice--especially something like being able to practice a few useful open-ended questions.
The bit about switching topics/focusing on specific topics during a conversation was funny, because it reminded me of some computer RPGs like Mass Effect or Dragon Age, and the way that those games have conversations where you switch topics in the same way.
Here's a thought: if I was going to mention that "bunch of stuff" after 10:50 or so, I might very well say it out loud as a list, with pasues in between and maybe even visibly counting out on my fingers, before asking the other person which one they would most like to hear about.
This was great, it's confirmed to me that I am starting conversations well (could be better, of course 😅). Let's spread the word 😂
For initial question, I have heard that instead of saying: What do you do for a living? I would ask: What do you do for fun? The first question implies, consciously or unconsciously, trying to rank the person according to the prestige of careers or wealth (you know, doctor instead of garbageman) whereas the second question has less of that.
Putting things in past tense to exit a conversion is brilliant. Not sure ive ever used this!
I have trouble explaining things clearly, even in my own language. When I speak, I often notice people losing interest because I stumble over my words and can't express myself well. When a stranger asks me a question, my mind often goes blank, and I end up saying something awkward. Later, I regret it, wishing I had said something different.
I love this! Especially, help with exiting a conversation. I'm terrible at that. Thank you :)
Such a helpful video. Two comments. First, what is we wanna jump in the conversation and share something but the person keeps talking and makes it difficult to stay engaged?(I hate it when people talk for long without me participating) Second, the listening part was all new to me and I didn't understand it fully. Can you make another video on the listening topic? Thank you so much :)
That part at the end of step 7 - I wish it was a social norm for people to list things like "I play dungeons and dragons on tuesdays and this week I'm going to the farmer's market the day before so I'll get to try out some new veggie recipes to bring over and..." so the other person has menu of topics to choose from for the "tell me more about that". More often I experience "I play d&d on tuesdays" and I have to be confident enough to say "what's d&d" and hope that 1 - I'm not outting myself as weird for not knowing and 2 - this is something I'll be glad I'm going to be talking about and even 3 - this is something acceptable to ask about and won't turnout to stand for something taboo or private like "dueling & drinking" or "diabetes and dysmenorrhoea"
I was crossing my arms today while talking. 😂 Oops. I even was thinking I probably shouldn't do this. Arms are weird. I always think about Ricky Bobby not knowing what to do with his hands in Talladega nights. Pull up the cup of that scene if you don't know. It's great. 😂
Yes, there's something you missed! How do you end a conversation when you're not able to walk away? Like, when you meet a colls on the train but your brain wants alone time?
Anyways, great video and great to have you on my youtube feed again!!!
*colleague
You can still use the exiting conversation lines! They can be adjusted or edited to fit different scenarios. "It was good to see you. I'll talk to you later." Just something that can help put the conversation in the past, and that you're moving on. :)
@@HowtoADHD No but like, what if that person has SAT DOWN next to you? (European speaking here... I think this is probably a less common problem in the US? But it's, like, REALLY common here... 🙈.)
On another note: Waaaaaaah, thank you for replying!!
@@cesbiyou can go like "hey thanks for the conversation but I gotta get something done" then pull up your phone or a book or put on headphones or something, it doesn't have to be a real thing, sitting in silence with someone else is also completely ok
@@Yamartim OH my god, that's brilliant! Thank you so much.
One of the problems I'd like more strategies for dealing with is when you signal that the conversation is done or that you have to go and they won't let the conversation end. Some of them will even step in your way to prevent you from going.
Another fantastic video. Thank you for all that you do!
The actual subject and info of the video was great and useful and all that stuff, of course, but also I for one would love to hear about your favorite boardgames. (I'm pretty new around here, so this content could already exist somewhere...)
Love the Hand Puppets, Jess
My biggest issue with socializing is knowing what topics are/are not off limits.
I've had a very difficult life, with a LOT of death and loss and brokenness around me at a young age. It made me who I am, I'm not ashamed of it, and to conceal those parts of me and my story feels very wrong to me -- like I'm lying to people. (I also don't really HAVE lot of 'happy things' in my past to draw on.) Yet whenever I talk about my life, my normal, I get blacklisted because I'm 'too negative.' I'm not being negative, I'm actually a very happy and grateful person, that's just how my life IS. 99% of what has happened to me was absolutely out of my control and not my fault.
How do I talk about myself, my life, and my interests without making people think I'm this horrible, awful, annoying, negative person all the time? When do I bring that up?
At my old job, I had a couple of workmates who I think wanted to be friends with me but I just COULDN'T because I didn't want to share ANYTHING about my life just in case they turned on me too. And I was in an emotional place where I could not have handled another rejection without a full-scale mental breakdown (which would have then resulted in us being homeless because I am the only person in the house 'healthy' enough to hold down a job).
So yeah... how do neurotypicals magically know what to share and when and with who? (And what do you talk about when your life does not have a lot of what people would consider 'good times' for me to talk about?)
Another thing I've found helpful:
Know how to respond to something negative.
For example, if I ask someone how their weekend was and they say their grandma or wife died, it can be helpful to have a go-to response for that. It does take a lot of practice though (and possibly a bit of research).
I've found that expressing sympathy (like, "I'm sorry that happened") combined with an invitation to talk about it (such as "what's something you miss about them" or "did you know them well") tends to go over well (although it's important to read body language when choosing the follow up question)
It also depends on how involved you want to get in that conversation though. The main way I would encounter them was while I was working as a cashier (I don't like being bored, and talking to customers made it more interesting) so my conversations only lasted until I finished scanning groceries, meaning I didn't usually need to worry about a conversation lasting longer than I wanted it to.
I've been working retail for almost a decade and as much as I don't enjoy it, I also have to admit it's been a good place to practice socializing. One, most of the people there I'll never see again, so even if I fumble a bit it's fine, as long as it's not so big a fumble to get fired anyway lol Two, I have a lot of work related scripts that I've built for myself over the years that sorta form a scaffolding I can build off of. And three, since I'm primarily a cashier, I've just had a ton of practice whether I wanted to or not. I'm not sure I'd recommend "get a job in retail" specifically to learn to socialize with strangers, but it's been a nice side effect.
Now, it's socializing with people who aren't strangers but also aren't friends yet, that's the tricky kind of socializing. A friend already knows you and your quirks, you'll probably never see that stranger again, but that weird middle ground can be awkward lol
"Try not to yawn" also made me yawn- I feel like I have it as a stress response sometimes, I don't even have to be tired! But I did notice it probably made me seem disinterested. If I feel I have to yawn, I usually do kind of an "internal yawn" which is really just a deep nose breath. I think my body is trying to trick me into taking a calming breath to regulate anyway, so it usually works!
my general go to when i dont know what to do or say is to mirror what the other human said to me but turn it into a question! that or ask if they have any children/pets because those are always topics that humans like to talk about.
I would like to hear more about this but on how to flirt. I don't normally have too much of a problem starting a normal conversation, but if I want to try to flirt, my brain just... doesn't want to work, at least not at the moment. I think it works too hard contemplating what to say and just shuts down. Especially if it's someone I don't know.
I often have no problem starting conversations, it's when other people want to stop and I don't pick it up until hours after the conversation ended 😮 It dawns on me, oh they tried to leave three times over the course of 45 minutes and I basically talked to their poor ears off 😂 I typically realize it after and obsess over how oblivious I always am, welcome to one of many reasons for sleepless nights
I totally get it. I think many of us struggle with that. And rumination. Watching for the signs someone wants to exit is so hard. I think that would be a great video. I actually have a bunch of material on this. @authorcarolinem is my You Tube. I will work on that!! So glad to get to make this video with Jess. The puppets made it so much fun. Caroline
I love the puppets! They’re so funny and cute!
OMG, "remind me to come back to" is gonna be so useful.
I loved the puppets! 😂
Seeing the "try not to yawn" in Step 6... yeah, I yawned.
BAHAHAHAHAHA .... same xD
This can also be good dating advice because many people have problems with conversations, not just those with ADHD.
Except in Minnesota, if something is "interesting..." it can be a passive way of expressing disinterest or disagreement about something 🤣🤣
Yay for the return puppets!!
Glad you like them!!