A Phone Call Away from Death (and a request for help) (TW: Suicide)
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- 28 days ago (February 5) I was a phone call away from killing myself. By that, I mean ai was on the edge of acting on my suicide plan when my girlfriend called and I decided to go to the ER so I could see her again. Without that phone call, I may not be here today.
Because of the craziness that was 2020, my bipolar 2 disorder pushed me over the edge and I felt like I had no reason to live. I thank my lucky stars that I wasn't left alone through all of that.
I don't know what life holds, but I do know I'm grateful to be alive. And somehow, in this craziness, I need to survive.
If you can help me out financially, consider donating at paypal.me/TalesofCindy
If you have words of support to offer, comment below.
Thank you to everyone who has shared comments of love. I'm actually reading things right now. I too am glad I stayed. 💕💙
I dont really comment ever on any video from anyone ever. But I want to say that I am happy you are still here, alive. I relate a lot to your struggles and happiness through coming out and also this video imparticular because I have been there and still sometimes go there sometimes. And you speak truth about it. I wish I had more to give than sympathy and understanding. But I'm so happy you are still here and i wish all the best for you and yours
Yes exactly 💯 what she said. 💪❤️💪💯
I'm so glad that you are still here with us, Cindy.
I'm glad I found this today
suicide is such a hard subject to talk about hope your getting all the help and support that you need my first partner also suffered from suicidal thoughts sadly she did end up taking your own life sadly i didn't get to know her background until it was to late to help as her family didn't want to listen to the struggles
that she was going through
Oh Cindy, my heart goes out to you. I am so happy you are still here. Having dealt with severe depression and anxiety, I get it. We've lost too many sisters already, so glad we didn't lose another one. nodanaonlyzuul
I'll try to get on and stream soon. I moved again. I think I can get that set up sometime in the next week.
I am so proud of you for completing your bachelor's degree. What an amazing achievement! (I think I understand the struggle it must have been, as I dropped out of mine after five years.)
I am not good at expressing what is inside my head right now, but know that I look up to you and that it hurts so much that you have felt like that is the only solution. I am crying because I feel so sad for you but I am also happy and relieved that you are still around. Please stay with us.
You are not alone. We are not alone. I often remind myself that it is ok to not be ok. It’s ok to let people know you are not ok. I struggle with these thoughts as well. Hugs. Do not feel bad asking for help, asking for help is the strongest thing a person can do. It’s one of the hardest things to do.
I don’t know if this would be helpful for you as it is for me, when those thoughts infest my mind, I imagine what beyond looks like for me. Even the most beautiful descriptions of what it could be if our consciousness continues, seems after awhile, to be the most boring thing ever. The most lonely thing ever. This is my imaginings, I don’t know what others would think. But that is enough for me to look at my life and realize how much I want to be here, because in the end, only I can make that decision to want to be here. Again, hugs and love sent your way.
I am so, so happy you are still with us.
Thank you for talking about it. As a fellow biomedical engineer late bloomer lesbian, I understand how hard life is. I´m here crying because I KNOW... I know the struggle to do life. You are so f-ing strong, unbreakable, and please don´t doubt for a second that the world needs you! People like me need you for inspiration, to push ourselves to achieve great things and make the world (but mostly ourselves) a little better.
Oh man, Cindy. You know how similar our school experiences were. Through what felt like then and still looking back on now seem like insurmountable odds, we pulled through. I'm proud as hell for both of us. Things will get better. I really wish I could give you a huge hug ❤️
Thank you!!
Thank you for still being here and sharing with us. Thank you.
You know, even though I will randomly watch your videos, they have helped me IMMENSELY! Never forget the power you have in helping other people by sharing your story. You are an amazing women, and I know it's been hard for you this past year, we are here for you for support. Keep on being amazing, you got this.
I was so excited when I saw you'd posted - I love your energy and love everything you've posted, so it was heartbreaking to realise you might not have come back.
I understand though, from personal experience, and I'm beyond grateful to those who were there for you.
I know I can't really say anything to make you choose to stay, because ultimately it's your choice, as much as people skirt around that fact. But I do know that what's kept me around is experiencing moments of connection, and listening to the part of me that's gets sparks of inspiration no matter how small.
Connection includes sitting outside and watching a wild bird nearby, or calling a suicide hotline and spending ten minutes with a stranger even if all you can do is cry and barely talk, because I know how often these lows occur in isolation. But it also includes the impact you're having on people by sharing here. Every single person who's watched a video of your has been impacted by you existing here and expressing yourself. For some people they'll have experienced connection themselves by sitting and watching. Some will have mulled over your words and reflected and come closer to their own truth as a result. Some will have left understanding an experience they haven't lived, whilst others will have found comfort in shared experience. Personally I've found a lot of reassurance in your videos that my timeline is ok, that I'm ok, that it's never too late to make changes in my life and that it's scary and destabilising for a while but it's worth it to get closer to living personal truth.
It goes both ways though so how have you been impacted by sharing here? That's either for you to reflect on privately, or choose to share if that feels right to you.
As for the sparks of inspiration, I know they can feel silent at times, but they're always there. This one for me has been about finding power in making my experience less shit. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and give up when faced with the big changes, but if I make everything really small and focus on right now, there's something that will make me feel a little bit better. Sometimes I quite literally put a blanket over my head and curl up on the floor to make things small, whatever it takes, and the inspiration is usually something manageable like stretching out a tense muscle, or slowing down enough to just breathe, or crying to relieve the pressure, or cracking the window open for fresh air. Those tiny steps have repeatedly saved my life, and stabilised me enough to ask for help or sleep or do address a chunk of the bigger thing. And sometimes a bigger spark comes along, like my last spiral where right after giving up, I got the inspiration to scroll tiktok because even though I was numbed out from the pain and wanted to stop existing, I also knew maybe something would be enough to distract me, and exposing myself to the outside world made me realise I want to build a van - I have zero idea how long it will take or how it's going to come together or any of the details, but respecting that inspiration (I used to shoot myself down immediately) gave me enough hope in having a slightly better experience on earth that I was able to take some self care steps and simplify things to bring my overwhelm down, and that's become the new focus independent of the timeline. It sounds like your inspiration spark this time was seeing your girlfriend again, so I'm glad you were able to hear and respect that spark💜
Thank you for everything you have shared, and thank you for choosing to stick around a bit longer 💜
Your worth does not depend on the work you do. You are worthy because you exist. Asking for help is a form of loving yourself, and love is your birthright. This is so courageous of you to post, and mental illness is such an important topic to discuss. Thank you for being your authentic, beautiful self. I remember you mentioning your relationship with your Higher Power. I recommend repeating the serenity prayer until you feel a sense of relief. (not in place of medicine or therapy). I love you and am rooting for you, Dear One! Also love the hair!!!!!!
You have a reason to smile your story sounds so much like mine used to and still is
The fact that you want to survive is a great first step ❤️ One step at a time 💕
I am glad that you are doing better now. I also struggle with mental illness. As someone else said, every day that we are still here is a win.
Grateful you are still part of this world Cindy, you deserve the best
I understand, know, and Love every single word you said here.
I've been wondering where you've been, was just checking for any new videos. I'm SO glad you're still here. I don't know what it's like to struggle with mental illness (aside from post partum depression), but I've heard the stories of many. My thoughts are with you and I hope you keep pushing through!
It was so hard to watch this video, your emotions really stirred something deep in my soul. I can relate to your story on multiple levels, I carried my mental health issues for over 40 years before it pushed me to that edge. I just want to tell you how incredibly strong and brave you are. It is hard enough to be vulnerable to ourselves, but to share it like this is beyond amazing. Just know that you are so very special and that you are loved, and you are worthy of that love, even if you don’t feel it. I am wishing you grace, peace, comfort, love and healing on your journey. You are amazing !!
I just want to say first of all that I’m so glad that you’re still here. 💕 I’ve been watching your videos from the beginning and have been meaning to comment for a while now. Anyway, as a fellow older lesbian who struggles with mental health issues, you have been such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Perhaps someday, I will have the courage to share mine as well.
Thank you for sharing so openly and being this courageous to be vulnerable. I‘m sending you all the love from the depths of my heart. ❤️
I hesitate to say this because crossing boundaries is something i'm hyper aware of but. I think. some level of trauma therapy might be helpful to you. Childhood trauma not just adult. this is from personal experience, and PLEASE, please know this comes from the kindest place possible. i relate to you so much. thank you for sharing this experience. there is no shame in mental health struggles, there is no shame in being bipolar.
little hearts
You're not wrong! I could definitely use trauma therapy. Baby steps towards recovery!
You are incorrect when you say 3 people and a dog. You forgot to include me and the numerous other people following you here. I am glad you took the courage to speak up about this. Your story is a source of strength.
im so proud of you for going to the hospital and getting the help you needed. i truly hope youre able to adjust your medication and get therapy. ive been through a few suicide attempts and i can say although it doesnt necessarily get easier, it makes you appreciate the little things so much more. also i can relate to the medical bills.. ive had 5K in medical bills weighing over my head since i was 18, im 22 now. i know how suffocating it feels and im sorry that youre dealing with that on top of everything else. I think if you started a gofundme a lot of people would help out!
I'm glad you're still here and I hope you're feeling better. Every day you're still here is an accomplishment and I am glad to have found you
Thank you so much for staying with us.
I am so proud of you for being strong enough to keep living. You can do this. If you need anything, I hope you feel like you can reach out. You've helped me so much and I would love to be able to return the favor
I’m so glad you’re still here. I love you friend.
I know this isn't what the video is about, but I love your short hair! It looks great!
I'm glad you're here and that you share your story. I can relate a lot what you say.
I am glad you are ok. I understand and coming out has made life a struggle and is harder with mental health issues. I have tried to has well.
Love you Cindy Lou! You are a kind and good person. You deserve all of the happy things!
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I’m glad you’re here
You are inspiring and I love that you're so brave to share your story with us. Your videos have helped me process my own feelings and thoughts and I want to let you know that you've had such a positive impact on my life. I appreciate you ♥️
Hugs... you are strong, Cindy.
this really hurts my soul deep down
I’ve been following your journey since your first video. You gave me the courage to walk away from the same church which wasn’t serving me or others. Your bravery during this time of embracing your authentic self and doing so with grace and dignity has been beautiful to watch. I know how lonely the transition away from your faith is, and to tackle this along with a divorce, embracing your sexuality, unemployment, and bipolar two is an insane amount of pressure that can pile up and be soul crushing. Sending you healing light and love ❤️
THANK YOU for sharing.
You're so strong! And brave! On so many levels. I'm watching you tell your testimony to help others get help and to say it's OK to NOT be ok! We love you!
Love your haircut
I am so hearing you. I am so glad you are still here . Much love to you, from Western MA. ❤️
I’m so happy you chose to stay here, your videos are so meaningful and you are adding value to this world every day. ❤️
Sending you love!
You've had so much to contend with I just can't imagine. I'm so sorry. I'm wishing you all the luck and support in the world to come your way. Even though it can look like there's no hope left good life-changing things can happen around any corner if we try to make room for them. Something I try to remember for myself anyway.
Hi Simon,
When I stumbled across your first coming out video, I knew that at some point you would attempt suicide. That was even before I saw your trans video.
My heart really goes out for you. I am learning a lot about mental health through the lens of people suffering from it, but I want to also encourage you to see things through the lens of the bible. I am not a Mormon, I am a born again disciple of Jesus Christ who has been baptised by the Holy Spirit with power. My brothers and I have prayed for people to be healed and for demons to come out of people. They are real!!!
One thing I have learned about demons is that they come in through trauma (sexual abuse), rejection by one parent or another, etc as well as through us fulfilling our ungodly desires. When they come in they take us down a spiral of destruction, one filled with a feeling of worthlessness, shame, guilt, etc. Ultimately they want us to kill ourselves. Demonic possession is a serious form of bondage!
Jesus cast out many demons from people because He wanted us to have peace, joy, love, etc and what I see from the word of God now is that the devil tricks us to believe that we will find satisfaction when we try to solve our problems on our own. This just leads us into deeper holes that these demons then require us to take more drastic actions to come out of.
Jesus wants to heal us inwardly. Give your heart to Him and then think about whether you want to proceed with reassignment surgery etc. I wish you the very best and I pray that you will not take your life. Jesus loves you, come to Him with a sincere heart and He will heal you even of the rejection you experienced from your mother.
I love you in the Lord.
Hang in there, hang in there!
Thank you for stil being here, Cindy! You are someone that I look up too and learn so much from. You inspire me in so many ways and you're a strong and beautiful woman! You have already shown what a human is capable of: Even after all the struggles, ypu have achieved so much: Your career, your channel, your life! You have buildt your life from scratch and are in the prosess of having your best life ❤️
It's hard work to turn your whole life completly around, like you have done! It takes courrage, strength, patients and a whole pot of willpower. And you have all that! You're s powerhouse, Cindy! Remeber that for each passing day, you make chioces that bringes you closer to your best life! The best it yet to come, I'm sure of it ❤️ You are amazing!
Ps! For the record: I failed collage, and took health care collage classes as an adult. It took me 8 years to get my collage exam in health care.. I'm not even a nurse, nor have I an bacholor degree. But I have a job I like, I own my own apartment, I own a car and I take care of my lovely son. I'm singel and I'm gay, but do I feel ashamed? NEVER! 😊 But after ending my marriage and turn my life around, it took some time to get to a place where I feel worthy and strong! And you will too, Cindy ❤️ Give your self time, because it's a prossess.
Cindy, I am so glad you are still here
You’re saying very important things! Thanks for sharing!
You seem to be an big inspiration! Thanks for posting and staying with us! You’re an inspiration not only for gay people, also for late bloomers, for religious people and people with mental illness! Greetings from Sweden!
Happy you are ok.
thank you for staying here ♥ i know it is not easy
Hey Cindy,
I am glad you are fighting through this, I am kind of in a similar situation right now so I totally get it.
Life can be really hard sometimes and we are all imperfect, flawed human beings trying to do our best. Take it one day at a time, focus on the smallest of things that make you happy.
I downloaded paypal but I am having issues logging in, is there any other way I can send you money?
You have a degree in biomedical engineering and you can't find a job. That's unbelievable!
There is much you have to offer and we, yes we, your subscribers care and understand.
THIS is the topic we are supposed to do a solution raising on (if you are game). Suicide, seeking help when at your bottom. If this speaks to you feel free to contact me whenever you are up for it.
Give the dog and the gf lots of love and belly rubs for us! (which is which is up to you lol) I love the you are not your brain convo. As a fellow stem gal it's really freaking annoying that I can LOGICALLY know that what my brain is telling me is a lie but I mostly believe it anyways because, well, it's my fucking brain. To be separate from, but also inextricably linked and reliant on something, and yet that thing is also you, it's a (pun intended) mind fuck. I have a few spare spoons today, I wish I could send them your way. Absent that, if you have venmo lemme know. I'd love to forward the dog sitting fees I made today to ya, in honor of our furry saviors of course 😁
I times of hardship I have found SO much help in tarot readers on UA-cam. What I have learned is that life presents you with so called "tower moments" that are there to help you understand that you are building on fragile grounds that wont be able to carry the weight of what you are trying to manifest. Those tower moments can be seen as a help instead of life punishing you and that in itself is such a relief that is bound to take some weight off your shoulders. It will take a while before you find a couple of readers that resonate with you but once you get there it might help you a lot. Wishing well!
i have helped a lot of people just by being a person that they could talk to i'm not trained in any way