Trauma Bonding As A Fearful Avoidant | How to Heal!

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  • Опубліковано 29 січ 2025

КОМЕНТАРІ • 62

  • @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
    @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool  Рік тому +9

    Have you experienced a trauma bond before? Did this video help you understand what a trauma bond is?
    Please let me know in the comments and let me know if you have any ideas for future videos!
    Happy healing and don't forget to be kind to yourself! 🤗💜

    • @JacobCarlson-uq1my
      @JacobCarlson-uq1my Рік тому

      Hmmm,interesting.
      Some of the things seem very familiar. I'm not sure exactly, but feel it's possible you are speaking to me in a sence. I was told this person suffered a hard childhood so I do have compassion for that person.
      I felt like it was unnecessary how they treated me. It did hurt and I didn't feel like I deserved that as I feel very open and willing to be. They stopped communicating with me all of a sudden & left me completely confused. I'm not sure if you were talking to them or me.🙏🏽 Thankyou Thais it felt good to listen to you as always.

    • @JacobCarlson-uq1my
      @JacobCarlson-uq1my Рік тому

      💜

    • @JacobCarlson-uq1my
      @JacobCarlson-uq1my Рік тому

      I do feel like I so badly want to understand and if possible what happened & or help that person if it wasn't me.I'm also starting to feel like im ready to let go as I just am not sure if that person is ready or capable of healing their childhood trauma.
      I guess regardless, they don't reach out to me anyway, so hopefully I'm now finally letting go .

  • @yesno6726
    @yesno6726 Рік тому +23

    As a fearful avoidant, there was a very strong healing exercise that helped me tremendously after healing after a trauma bond. A therapist suggested that I try this technique using "I feel" statements because I would self-avoid my emotions by dissociating as a defense mechanism. For example, "I feel happy, because people remembered to include me" is a good "i statement" whereas a bad "i statement" would be "I feel you don't show up enough." an improvement on that bad "i statement" would be "I feel anxious and uncertain about too much coldness when I don't hear from you for days." Im acknowledging my emotions and seeing my emotions more clearly valuing my needs and communicating all this to someone else. Whereas in the past, I would feel like I detached so much, I grew resentment and disgust to the other party because of my disassociation and non-communication. If you covered the "i statements" for avoidant attachments in the past videos, i'll be happy to watch them

    • @russellcameronthomas2116
      @russellcameronthomas2116 Рік тому +5

      Congratulations on your growth and development in this way. Very practical advice. Very best wishes on your growth path.

  • @stephanievanburen5037
    @stephanievanburen5037 Рік тому +7

    Your channel is changing my life!! I have been “trying” to heal for years and now I’m choosing to HEAL!!! You’re an angel ❤

  • @olive4naito
    @olive4naito Рік тому +19

    I agree with you about trauma bonding being on a spectrum. They don't always result from abuse. Sometimes they result from what people think are the best of intentions because they think they know what's best for someone and overstep their boundaries. Parents probably find themselves often in such a place with their children. They could be teaching their kids about having boundaries but simultaneously crossing them and causing some confusion.

    • @rosestewart1606
      @rosestewart1606 Рік тому +2

      Possibly. But it wasn't until I was aware of attachment styles that I realized how much my mother's behaviour had affected me. I was more likely to joke about the fact that she obviously doesn't like me.

    • @olive4naito
      @olive4naito Рік тому +1

      @@rosestewart1606 In some ways some rules are there to be broken. I think it's part of growing up into adulthood. Some parents will go overboard trying to enforce rules though and don't know when to start letting go.

    • @carrievaleriaalvarez2198
      @carrievaleriaalvarez2198 Рік тому +3

      As soon as you accept that cPTSD can be caused by "just" "covert" neglect as opposed to outright abuse, it makes sense that you can get into a trauma bond just from emotional neglect in an adult relationship.

  • @Mermaid03_03
    @Mermaid03_03 Рік тому +17

    Yes, I’m going through breaking one now from a DA. It’s hard. So true that the initial stages were so fun and good. Over time, the unhealthy part took over and it’s like trying to get back to that phase. I don’t think it’s possible. We’ve both moved on mostly but the trauma bond runs deep.

  • @Michelle-qq4sd
    @Michelle-qq4sd Рік тому +10

    Column 1Write out the traumatizing patterns in your relationship ie repeatedly broken promises, violating boundaries, mixed signals, critical/harsh, shaming, minimalize your feelings…
    2nd column
    Score 1-10 How often you do these things to yourself ie shaming yourself, violating your boundaries, disconnecting to yoyr feelings…
    3rd column
    What you can do to stop doing these things to yourself. Practice one a day.
    Next sheet
    Column 1
    All of the costs of staying one year, 5 years from now…
    How are you feeling on a daily basis in the relationship?
    Column 2
    Benefits of leaving.
    Reread these.
    Programmed to see more good than problems.
    Past good feelings filter out red flags.

  • @TheHermitTeller
    @TheHermitTeller Рік тому +7

    Would love to see more videos on abusive or coercive relationships. Like what's ok and what isn't ok! Thank you for all your work Thais!

  • @eileendom5858
    @eileendom5858 Рік тому +6

    I think this is great to write it out. I journaled so much before my breakup knowing it was coming to remind myself what I was going through in real time. The problem I will have to admitting how I am treating myself. That column is hard for me bc I don’t want to admit what I have been doing to myself. I like to think I love myself.

    • @riiivvaaaponddd
      @riiivvaaaponddd Рік тому

      I feel you I found myself avoidant to doing that part too! I srsly resonate with you saying "i like to think that i love myself" ... we mask well even to ourselves! Being true to yourself will set you free. I am practicing loving myself more but I still slip and have to keep up with the work! repetition. it works if you work it. you got this! you can do it!

  • @Conscious59
    @Conscious59 Рік тому +3

    Thank you Thais! I've learned a lot from you & PDS! ...Trauma bonding - how to heal? Learn to love yourself! (re-parent/feel your emotions/ set boundaries/ask 'what do I need?"), I also find asking yourself (when meeting someone new), "Who does this person remind me of?" In my case, if it's my narc Mom, I know this is my sub-consconcious CZ & I should run. W/narcs I already in my life, I've learned I 'm much happier w/no- (extremely-low) contact - so much better than a fear-filled, sympathetic nervous mode existence, ignoring the discomfort of inner child (& Soul) bc of a broken 'red flag detector' & being boundary-less.

  • @sherinss1845
    @sherinss1845 Рік тому +3

    Thankyou for being here to us.
    You have been my strength and teacher for a very a long time.

    • @sherinss1845
      @sherinss1845 Рік тому

      And Your amazing spirit and work reaches the whole world. Salutations from Egypt.

  • @rosestewart1606
    @rosestewart1606 Рік тому +4

    Thank you for all of the help on my journey. My relationship with an FA is over, but it's partly my own fault but that will never happen again...now that I know.
    I was never physically abused but my mother was a narcissist and my father was often sick while I was growing up. I never had anyone to take me anywhere or do anything with me after I was 7. I just don't trust people. I've always thought it was easier to be alone. I get triggered by all of the things you mentioned...because all of those things were done to me.

    • @AliValentine143
      @AliValentine143 Рік тому +1

      It's been very interesting to me how the child's brain perceives trauma. For me my 8:27 divorce and seeing my Dad less was perceived as Abandonment because I went from a connected daily relationship to inconsistent contact and a nice stable Mom to an overworked, grumpy, tired one.
      Young Men are discovering intense p**n scenes online have been perceived by their undeveloped brains as se*ual trauma without ever having a physical SA incident. It's all very healable, it the energy and emotional bandwidth to heal it that causes our denial, avoidance, delays.

  • @LoremIpsumPeach
    @LoremIpsumPeach Рік тому +2

    That simple exercise was extremely helpful for me, thank you. seeing how much I do those exact things to myself is eye opening!! and feels empowering like i have the power to change the dynamic to myself and give what i need.

  • @notvrycoolbutissokay6621
    @notvrycoolbutissokay6621 Рік тому +5

    Thais , Thais, Thais!! I am getting secure-er every day. You've helped me so much.

    • @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
      @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool  Рік тому

      You are so sweet! Give yourself credit for taking the time to watch and learn!
      I appreciate your support and comment! ☺💜

  • @user-od8bd9mq3i
    @user-od8bd9mq3i 13 днів тому

    Love this! So inspiring My mind’s been consumed by the thought of him. It’s been 6 months he left and the pain of loosing him feels like physical ache. The laughter the memories,and adventure sadly it’s all gone .i’ve tried to get my mind off him and it seems like the more I try, the more I keep thinking of him. How do people let go and move on ? Cause It’s been months and memories of my man are still fresh. I miss him so much.

    • @DebbieDavis-y9j
      @DebbieDavis-y9j 13 днів тому

      Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My heart breaks for you and I can imagine the pain and longing you must be feeling. Last year, my fiancé ended our 3yrs relationship for reasons best known to him. I would cry all night because I couldn’t imagine life without him. I want you to know that you’re not alone and I’m here for u always. I reached out to a spiritual counselor for some guidance and it really worked for me My fiancé and I are back together.

    • @user-od8bd9mq3i
      @user-od8bd9mq3i 13 днів тому

      A spiritual counselor? That sounds fascinating And how do I reach out to him .

    • @DebbieDavis-y9j
      @DebbieDavis-y9j 13 днів тому

      his handle is Father Tosin Ayodele He can help rekindle the spark in any broken relationships.

    • @user-od8bd9mq3i
      @user-od8bd9mq3i 13 днів тому

      Tnx for sharing that! I really appreciate your openness.

  • @roshalllambert
    @roshalllambert Рік тому +5

    This is such an important topic and loved the explanation of exercise of how to overcome it!!

  • @PerrySkyePhoenix
    @PerrySkyePhoenix 9 місяців тому

    This is a video that I really need to watch! Thankyou

  • @BeverlyB.Williams
    @BeverlyB.Williams 12 днів тому +111

    love video, just cant believe my wife left me after 18 years, she just left me. she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. Ive tried everything possible to get her back, but nothing seems to work and I cant stop thinking about her Im frustrated I dont see my life with anyone else. Ive done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I cant I dont know why I'm saying this here, I really miss her and just cant stop thinking about her

    • @JaclynHarry
      @JaclynHarry 12 днів тому

      I'm really sorry to hear that. I went through something similar not too long ago. My girlfriend and I broke up and I felt completely lost. I tried everything, but it just seemed hopeless. Well I ended up reaching out to this incredible spiritual adviser. He helped me in ways I never thought possible. After working with him my girlfriend came back to me and now we are happier than ever really.?

    • @BeverlyB.Williams
      @BeverlyB.Williams 12 днів тому

      A spiritual adviser, that sounds interesting. What did you do? How can I get in contact with him.?

    • @JaclynHarry
      @JaclynHarry 12 днів тому

      His name is Father Tosin Ayodele , and He's a great spiritual adviser who can bring back your ex.

    • @JaclynHarry
      @JaclynHarry 12 днів тому

      His name is Father Tosin Ayodele , and He's a great spiritual adviser who can bring back your ex.

    • @KaitlinStephan
      @KaitlinStephan 2 дні тому

      i recommend father tosin ayodele saved my marriage with my husband 💕now we are together again in love and oneness thank you sir 💕I'm grateful

  • @tsvetelinacholakova
    @tsvetelinacholakova Рік тому

    Thank you so much for your content and educating us ❤

  • @qfbaby22
    @qfbaby22 Рік тому +5

    I like the exercise you laid out and I’m not saying it wouldn’t help but to hack into the subconscious mind, particularly with something as impactful as trauma, I’m not sure that’s really an effective way to do so. This kinda gets into why so many ppl stay stuck in therapy for years with little to no progress. Once you’re past 7-8 years old, you’re likely gonna have to do specific things to hack into the subconscious. Mediation, breathe work, emdr or even after writing these things out, reading them while in theta as you wake up or right before bed. Love your videos!

    • @AliValentine143
      @AliValentine143 Рік тому +2

      I tell anyone who will listen; when emotionally uncomfortable *just pause*, breathe deeply, eyes closed if safe, let your body feel you calm down and be able to be calm despite the situation. That small bit of being able to emotionally re-regulate the system is so powerful.

    • @lucytownsend1176
      @lucytownsend1176 Рік тому

      Her paid courses speak to just this. 😊

  • @cloudslady3400
    @cloudslady3400 Рік тому +2

    happy that this video is a bit longer than usual ! ❤

  • @alirh1145
    @alirh1145 Рік тому +2

    thank you so much this is really helpful

  • @k0sumkind356
    @k0sumkind356 Рік тому +2

    At first, thanks a lot for your work! I signed up with PDS and its really insightful. My question: Is a trauma bonding the same as the anxious-avoidant-trap? It is so weird, when you don't know these pattern and got into such bonding. I would consider myself secure that leans into the anxious spectrum (or vice versa) thinking this is not only a thing of FAs.

  • @careitina1412
    @careitina1412 Рік тому +3

    Question to FA's: I(FA) see how I abandon,gaslight,betray my standards etc.I can clearly do certain actions to behave differently towards myself,to reprogram my subconcious comfort zone.What about chaos? How can I treat myself in a way to feel the peace as pleasant,not as boredom? ( I am already practicing sport,meditation,and tons of little habbits that would suppose to stabilize me,but I still find peaceful relationships boring) ?

    • @msmaine5179
      @msmaine5179 Рік тому +1

      Keep doing what your doing. And out the blue 😉 you’ll have ‘a huh’ moments. And that is the start of your transition ✨

    • @mesCheerios
      @mesCheerios Рік тому +2

      I think those practices sound good for stabilising but we also genuinely need novelty in our lives. Sport and meditation are awesome but i think even more unusual experiences, putting yourself in discomfort, daring to put yourself in a vulnerable position, learning things you feel embarrassed to be a beginner at, travelling to places you have never seen etc. Maybe we don't need to chaotic part of our lives to come from relationships ya know?

    • @russellcameronthomas2116
      @russellcameronthomas2116 Рік тому +3

      I'm not FA, so take this for what it might be worth. You might investigate the role of neural hormones, particularly dopamine and adrenaline (i.e. the "thrill seeker" hormones). From what I have heard, FA's can become addicted to the "thrill" of relationships (i.e. chaos), and if it is missing, then find it dull and boring. If this is so, then you might view your body's conditioning through the lens of drug addiction. Addictive drugs work because they "connect" to hormone receptors. Following this reasoning, if you take your body through a "recovery" process -- which can be lengthy -- then on the other side, your body will have a new experience of relationship, including enhanced response to the "bliss" + "connection" hormones, including oxytocin. (From what I have heard, many FA's have a negative rather than positive response to oxytocin, because any experience of close bonding in the past was a precursor to trauma). Hope this helps.

    • @careitina1412
      @careitina1412 Рік тому +1

      @@russellcameronthomas2116 ,,Negative rather positive response to oxytocin" that makes a lot of sens now,why I experience my avoidant side once we have the deepest moments of connection! Thank you)

    • @riiivvaaaponddd
      @riiivvaaaponddd Рік тому

      ​@@mesCheeriosthank you for this 🙌

  • @LavenderHazelwood
    @LavenderHazelwood Рік тому

    Can you do a video on the different kinds of FA's? I think you mentioned something about there being a more covered/covert/subdued type of FA in a video. I don't remember the exact word you used but I'm curious to learn about the nuances between different kinds of FA's.

  • @rachhhh9722
    @rachhhh9722 Рік тому +2

    Really excited to watch this video

  • @veeyouthyful826
    @veeyouthyful826 Рік тому

    How long does it take for FA before reach out to u post BU in LDR
    And also can Anxious Attched can break up first with FA

  • @veeyouthyful826
    @veeyouthyful826 Рік тому

    Why FA partner experiencing being cheated by his partner

  • @xiaoli9210
    @xiaoli9210 Рік тому

    💙

  • @mnnew6772
    @mnnew6772 Рік тому

    I keep hearing this but it’s not true. I do not treat myself like my x narcissist did. I am not self critical, I have boundaries and I validate my own feelings

  • @vonzwola2206
    @vonzwola2206 Рік тому +4

    I need that video on Attatchment Styles and Body Dysmorphic disorder 😂🫶

    • @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
      @ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool  Рік тому +5

      Thank you for your idea! I will try and make a video on that in the future!
      Be kind to yourself and know that you are enough! 💜

    • @vonzwola2206
      @vonzwola2206 Рік тому +3

      Thank you for your kind words and for considering the idea! 🧡