Better Communication: Stop One Upmanship
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- Опубліковано 29 бер 2017
- ANSWER THE EXERCISE IN THE COMMENTS:
1. Think of a time you felt someone was trying to one up you. Why do you think they did that?
2. Think of at least one conversation where sharing your story may have come across as one upmanship.
Better Communication: Stop One Upmanship
Let’s go over a scenario where we’re having a conversation. You got in a crash today, and tell me the details about it. You were getting run off the road and trying to switch lanes but BOOM it pushed you right into another care. As soon I feel like your story is wrapping up, I say something like this I can’t believe that happened to you. I got in a crash just like that last week, but instead of two cars there was three! Blah blah blah…...it was just like yours but way worse.
There’s a good chance the conversation got a little awkward or you felt off-put by my story. But why? I was only trying to relate to you by telling you a similar story. I was trying to show you that we have a shared, similar experience so we could bond over it and deepen our relationship. Why could that potentially hamper the spirit of the conversation?
There are a couple reasons. The first is that you’ve just related an emotional experience and you may not feel done talking about it. If you’ve had a traumatic experience, it’s likely there’s a lot on your mind about it. When I interject my story, you may feel as though I’m trying to move the spotlight away from your experience and towards mine. Even if it’s not a conscious thought, it won’t feel great.
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This video is quite helpful. Can't believe it doesn't have more views.
You've done a tremendous job of explaining this!
Thank you, glad it was helpful!
This is fun to watch. I remember my mom telling me this story about her and her sister. I was just born and everything my mom told about me, her sister would reply with “Oh my child did that too”, because she had a child ten years before my mom had me. And my mom already heard all the stories. First time hearing about this, I didn’t know about this. Then I slowly realised it
This is a great example. Thanks for sharing!
I'd appreciate your insight on something. So one upmanship is a way for a person to brag or act superior AFTER you've mentioned something. How do you respond to someone who does this BEFORE you share anything with them? For example:
Me: Hello, how are you?
Them: Ugh, busy! I've been on set all day working with Harrison Ford on a new movie that I'm in.
Me: Wow, that's amazing! When will it be released?
Them: October
Me: That's really awesome. I'll definitely check it out!!
(About 30 seconds of small talk)
Them: So.....what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm an actor
😐 They immediately become very condescending and rude, trying to twist my words from the brief small talk. *(I changed the profession in this example) I was genuinely happy for their new project, have enjoyed their previous work, & would be glad to support the new one. At first I was puzzled with their reaction. It didn't dawn on me until later that they were namedropping a notable person and may have been trying to impress me or seem important. How on earth do you respond to someone who has a tantrum because you do the same work??
This is a strange reaction. I think you're on the right track - they probably namedrop like this to impress others. Lots of people rely on social validation to feel good about themselves. Sounds like maybe you caught them off guard by being in the same realm and that threatened their sense of self-worth. They are probably used to serious validation after name dropping like that, and perhaps didn't get it in this instance or felt like perhaps you had ulterior motives?
The good news here is it doesn't sound like you really did anything to trigger that. Of course, I didn't see the interaction so it's possible there's some other factor we both missed.
The bad news is since it sounds like mostly their problem in the way they derive self-worth, the most you can do is try to remain kind, encouraging, and thoughtful in the face of the negative behavior. If it feels authentic, you could put extra attention into validating them and their projects, but if you've already shown genuine enthusiasm, it might be a bit of a lost cause.
Tough one. Good luck!
Finding your videos today good job man 😁👍
Appreciate the comment!
Thank you for this video! I've recently became aware that i have been a "one upper" and i want even aware of it. I could tell i was rubbing people the wrong way, but i couldn't figure it out until a new friend very gently explained to me what i was doing (i was also over sharing and coming across as possibly manipulative). After learning about this manner of which i apparently communicate, i went home to learn more about why it's bad, how and why i do it. Unfortunately, until i came across YOUR video here (several days later), i was only able to find videos on " how to deal with a "one upper". This was frustrating, although i did get to learn how i had been perceived all this time.
So, i say all that to say, thank you for finally helping me understand how I'm doing it. I did, indeed think i was just trying to share and connect with the other person.
Do you have any videos on being too "wordy". As you can probably see above, I'm very "wordy". I may or may not "over share", bc i feel i do keep a lot of stuff to myself. But i KNOW in "wordy". I just have trouble keeping things concise. I personally like to know all contributing factors, so I guess that's that's partially why i feel the need to provide so much detail.
Do you have a video on that,? If not, could you consider making one?
Thanks for the helpful video❤️
Thank you for these thoughtful and helpful videos.
your really well spoken
Appreciate that. Much of it is editing magic though. Or not so magic, the cuts are pretty clear haha.