Confusing Red Flags to Look Out For
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- Опубліковано 18 січ 2023
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Actions over words. Consistency over both. Actions have to match your words on a consistent basis
Underrated!
This sounds harsh but I didn't get into a good relationship until I stopped giving second chances. I had a couple of boyfriends who would take things for granted, get weird and we'd end it but they'd want to try again weeks or months later. I eventually would just block them. I've been with my current partner for 8 years. It's important to be with someone who is mature, thoughtful and wanting to talk things through in a relationship instead of going into toddler mode and jumping ship when they can't figure out their own emotions.
I am a guy who has had almost the exact same experience you talk about
You did the right thing by staying away from avoidant type who are insecure and needing you to chase him back to validate him, because they rarely change and you need a partner not a project.
@@__-bz7wh yes, it can go both ways. There are women and men who shouldn't be in relationships
@@desertrose111 definitely and if I would have given the last boyfriend a second chance and wasted time, I probably wouldn't have met my current partner. The crazy thing is on my 3rd or 4th date with him, we were making Christmas decorations and he was being super careful with Krazy gluing things together. I jokingly mentioned how meticulous he was being and he said "I need to be careful... you don't get second chances with this, like a lot of things in life lol!" That's the moment I knew we were on the same wavelength.
"Toddler mode"😅
It's hard emotionally when a person's words contradict their actions. When people behave like they care about you but they don't want to admit that, it can drive mad
I took Audrey saying "into the sea" as throw the "fish" back into the sea, since we've all heard "there's pleanty of fish in the sea". Lol makes sense to me. 💁🏼♀️
Basically, if the messages are confusing, believe the worst possible meaning. Best cases aren't ambivalent.
He really doesn't love her. Nothing justifies someone telling you they don't love you. And he said that in TWO YEARS of relationship, he NEVER LOVED HER. No one says they don't love someone out of nowhere. That's the worst reason you can give someone who loves you when you want to end a relationship. The most painful reason to hear and is more than enough reason for you, girl, to never look back. I think he wanted to try something with someone else, it didn't turn out the way he expected and he's so selfish and cowardly, to the point of making you realize you were living a lie for 2 years, so selfish to the point of only thinking about your own wishes and feelings. Run away girl, there are real men waiting for a woman like you.
My ex told me he didn't love me after 1.5 years. 😔 And all I could think of was: that's harsh. How do you spend so much time with someone and grow close only to tell them you don't love them at all? Not even as a friend? What? But then I found out he cheated and lied about it, so to be fair, he probably didn't love me. But that's due to his own limitations as a human being. I'm not taking it personally anymore. I don't use it as evidence that I'm not loveable...but it was tempting to do that when it happened.
Anyway, thank you for posting because you reminded me that it's simply not normal to end a relationship like that. Part of me still wondered if he was being reasonable, as in, we can't expect someone to love us after only a few years or so. But like, how long are we supposed to wait? 😂
Run forest 🏃
@@LucaAnamaria There is no time for love, you don't even count it when you love. The only sad thing about this story was the time YOU wasted giving love to someone who didn't deserve your love, time and trust. There's nothing more cowardly than pretending to love someone for the sheer convenience of it. I hope you find someone who honors your relationship and can receive the love you give as genuinely as possible. Oh, and In the video, the justifications that man used for such behavior, was fear, I thought it was too frivolous. No man says he doesn't love a person he's been in a relationship with for years, out of FEAR. It gets comical. (Sorry Matt, but you got it wrong hahaha). We cannot normalize this kind of inhuman behavior. This escapes the sphere of maturity, this is selfish, arrogant.
@@kahschmidt Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️
It does not matter if he has not loved her for the last two years. This is something a delicate, respectful person does not say even if it is the truth. What a disgusting lack of manners and sensitiveness. I would leave and never come back after hearing this shit, even if the purpose is to be honest.
Truly. What is the point of saying that but to be cruel?
My boyfriend told me (while we were dating AND we had been dating for 4 years by then) that he felt like he is just attached to me emotionally but does not really love me. Could you imagine?
I just started talking to a man who wanted to sleep with me, but wanted NO titles on our Relationship. What you said was exactly right. He wanted everything GOOD from a Relationship, but wanted no commitment!! I walked away...
I blame women for allowing men to treat them that way. The guy was used to getting his cake and eating it too.
I just walked away from someone who said they didn’t want a relationship but still wanted to date. He just wanted sex
Don't go give free sex ladies. Make them pay for it , quite literally.
I was talking to someone in another country for 3 years. Finally met him in person a few months ago. We connected and was behaving like my boyfriend, hold my hand in public etc. I fell fast because I feel like I know this person. But I sensed a lot of holding back from his end. He was blowing hot and cold and his words didn’t match his actions. I could see the red flags, I spoke to him about it, but nothing changed, so I pulled away. Every time I do, he would text me telling me, he can’t lose me. He need time. I had strong feelings he was entertaining other people, weighing his options and at the same time telling me that he loves me. Long story short, I blocked him, I know this ins and outs isn’t healthy for my mental health. Just wish this poor soul would be honest with himself about his feelings once and for all. I know I can’t heal him. I still love him but I know what I deserve and what I’m worth.
I just went through the same thing! We talked for 3 years and then finally met up and were "dating" (not sure if you could even call it that because it was so inconsistent) for a few months. Things always felt off and I didn't know where I stood even after trying to communicate my concerns. So, I ended things and have been moving on. A man who truly wants you will not put himself in a position to lose you!!! Also, I discovered he follows about 6000 girls on Instagram and tiktok, so my gut was right that he was almost certainly interested and talking to other women. Always gotta trust your gut!
Aha Audrey is getting comfortable after the first videos and I love her sassy true personality! 😎🫶🏼
Tbh, I would be thankful to hear someone say “I haven’t loved you for 2 years”. It is terrible, but if it is true it is crucial, because you can then put what you thought was truth, into perspective. If he is unsure if he loved her, maybe don’t say it until you figure it out, or say you don’t know and figure it out together - (surely don’t say it without being sure) but absolutely, no matter how painful it is, if they are sure they didn’t love, it is crucial information to know.
It will help put things into proper perspective and know what to look out for in future.
Standing still with someone is a good phrase for a relationship collecting dust and going nowhere ~ great visual.
I recently got out of a unhealthy relationship. She put on an act infront of everyone including my family and friends because she knew what she was doing was wrong. When it was just me and her... she was very emotionally and mentally abusive. At one point she was physically abusive when we were intimate... But that's also on me because I tolerated her behaviour because I did love her and hoped there was a good person inside. It wasn't until I told her what she was doing to me was wrong is when her real personality come out. She wasn't who I thought she was. I walked away and that was hard but in this last month and a half... my life is so much more now. You have to do some serious work on yourself and face the reality rather than the dream of someone. Everyone who's been hurt recently... It's not over. Push yourself to be the best version of yourself. This is your story and embrace who you are.
thank you very much, Luke. i'm sorry for what you experienced. i'm very grateful to hear this wisdom. thank you
God I needed to read this today, as I sit in a crumbled mess on the floor trying to take in that I am right in the middle of a messy break up. Just heartbroken. I kept trying and trying.
Emotional and physical abusive is enough to run and never look back.
Mate that’s really nicely put, and I can totally relate to it aswell
Well done for letting the facts speak and also for taking responsibility for yourself! 💪🏻
Let’s not waste time with walking the plank any longer.. I am with Audrey at this point. Out to sea they go. With love & prayers, bon voyage ❤🎉xx
Omg Matthew!! Audrey is the best thing you could have done for this podcast. Don't get me wrong I love you tons and you've helped me so much in my dating life but this is the first time I feel obligated to comment lol she's such a sweetheart and adds a great value to the podcast. Love you all ❣️ Keep up the good work 🤗
I dated someone like the first one. It was a toxic cycle of breaking up and getting back together. It was terrible. Definitely don’t recommend. Eventually I permanently broke it off. He married someone 3 months later, to end up divorced with her. He’s on wife #4 now. 🙄
Wow. Good you are done.
Sounds like a narcissist
Sounds like you're the one who came out smelling like roses. Well done!
@@hurtsoul7398 hugs to you! I hate crappy people.
the waves of grief come crushing me.
leaving me unable to breathe.
drowning in darkness.
one moment I'm okay.
the next I'm in panicked despair.
how could my best friend do this to me?
abandon and betray me, and discard me like garbage?
how? how could he so easily replace me with another?
my heart is shattered; my soul is raped.
rage and grief: torment and torture me, leaving me breathless...
Thank you for another great video!
The boat analogies were wonderful.
I now wish I had told my ex to "get in the sea!" 😂 🌊
This isn't on topic but Audrey is so adorable, you two are so cute together. Two smart cute people!
My ex put me through so much and allways made excuses for not seeing things through despite all the words of reassurance.
But I had closure when she finally admitted she had doubts about her feelings all along.
I’m over her but it really cut deep at the time and I’ll find it hard to trust someone again for some time !
As the late Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Then Oprah chimed in and said, "Believe them the first time".
Apart from all the great facts and information about relationships or disguised situationships in this instance, I just really love how all of you connect with each other.
Even if you were to give him a benefit of doubt(and thats a giant if) that he came to a genuine change of heart about how dumb he was before, this is a guy who has demonstrated his audacity to assume you would still be around whenever he changes his mind without owning accountability and the impact on you and YOUR feelings. If you move forward without addressing what needs to be changed first, the so called commitment will be on his timeline, his clock and his terms. Don’t let your loneliness make you run back to someone who can only love you at your absence but not your presence. Don’t make a long term decision based on temporary gratification. Only accept what he will do and not what he tells you how he feels. Sometimes the universe ruins your plan so your plan won’t ruin you.
I love this so much, especially that last line! Gotta trust in the universe!
This example guy said "l" to many times. "I feel blah blah", "I want blah blah" That's my red flag straight away.
He was too weak to go through the uncomfortable situation of being single. To make himself feel OK he went back. Not because he loves his ex.
“Yeah I think he needs to go into the sea as well.” I love her 😂
I love the vibe Audrey is bringing to these vids lately
Love Audrey... what great chemistry they all share. Very funny informative video guys 🥰
I’ve seen my best friend go through this. She broke up with a guy that would not take the next steps with her to move in with her. He came back 2 weeks later saying I love you I wanna make it work. And then guess what? She took him back and he still would not move in with her. Eventually it ended and she met a guy who was willing to move in with her eventually 👍
To the guy who says he never loved her for two years ...OUCH
Sounds like he loved the convenience of HER but not her or being with her, it was all about him not about them. Its not all about me when its we its about us. He is obviously dishonest, selfish, and extremely hurtful. He punished her, abandoned her and then wanted her back. What a yo-yo
I think it’s more of that the actions and the words need to match. As much as we need the actions, we also need the words.
Pure comedy. Love the message and the banter.
Many people do not know the difference between love and attachment
It’s love and limerence
everyone has some type of attachment (whether secure or insecure) and attachment is a primal need
Matt, you are so brilliant.
I love your banter.
The problem is you can’t know what the truth is really. He might have lied about not loving her as a get out, or maybe they were in a “comfortable” stage of the relationship and he didn’t feel like it was love without the passion there. I’ve been through that, but I was immature and didn’t appreciate what I had the way I should. He does sound a bit emotionally immature.
You are right, but what is the truth is that he knew he’d incredibly hurt her, devastate her heart and her self-esteem by saying that… so he knew what he was doing… do you hurt people you love, intentionally?
Totally agree that his actions are immature and that his behaviours caused a lot of harm to someone he was in a relationship with...The truth is, however, that he might not even know...I think that’s why I believe the statement that you can’t always get closure from the person that hurt you. They may not have the insight, maturity or capacity to fully understand their internal states.
The first scenario is a narc tactic to hoover you back in and they can’t help but insult you to get you back. My ex did that to me and although I came back so he couldn’t play the victim telling everyone that I just up and left and poor me, I never gave him my heart again and analysed his behaviour for changes. There were none. He even admitted that before I left that he thought I was up to something (moving out) but that didn’t change his behaviour before hand. Twenty five years was enough. Although he likes to be alone, I don’t think he had another person at that time and needs a personal assistant to deal with the boring parts of life. When I called separation this time, he had someone else and discarded me even more.
He's obviously not sure who he is or what he wants in life.
He needs work on himself and she needs a more mature guy.
I love watching you make Audrey laugh ❤️❤️
Wow!!! The first few minutes is PURE man code!
I think the phrase is “There’s plenty of fish in the sea!” Lmao 😂
Love you guys, you have helped me in so many ways, thank you❤
so good talk, thank you all for what you do
Yasss Audrey Gurl.... "Swim and struggle for a while" they can!
You all are good together!
They say, the first answer is the right. He doesn’t love her this is the reality. after two weeks he missed her because he didn’t find someone else YET.
I love your initial analogy!
That's just plain ridiculous! I had a husband for 14 months and when it's was real that he was not in love with me, I walked out cause he was belligerent and violent.
It's great analysis thanks for the video.
I agree with Audrey, he needs to go back into the sea - whether “the sea” means raking some time to swim around on his own and learn himself to become a better person, or stay as he is and stay off other’s boats…
'Was that Harry to Meghan Markle'?!?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 'Monarchy banter' 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Good one Stephen!😉😂
Wasn’t this from a previous video? The opening question has definitely been discussed before
He either had someone else lined up who fell through or thought he could find someone else quickly and didn't.
Hahahahaha... I adore how sassy Audrey's getting 😂
“Get in the sea” - Audrey gets it 👏
Sounds like he had someone else and she didn't want to be with him, so he went back to the safety raft.
My first thought was the guy was having an affair and his affair didn’t pan out, so he went back to first girl to make the affair girl jealous.
He’s childish and I hope this girl is strong enough to set boundaries and tell him to bugger off.
About the words and actions debate: Both are forms of communication.
First step in being a good cummunicator is to know what you want to communicate. In a relationship it is always very helpful, if not essential, to know oneself to a reasonable degree. When a partner knows themself, they know who they are and what they want. With that knowledge it becomes easy to communicate needs and wants and intentions. It also makes one better at understanding what is being communicated.
That's what people mean when they say "love yourself first". Understand who you are; figure out what you can work on, flaws and strengths; learn what you need to accept about yourself; be patient in the process of becoming self-aware and imagine the best version of yourself as a goal to strive towards without putting your current version down, as you are fine as you are and nobody is perfect. Once you've figured out how to love yourself, everything becomes easier, including any form of relationship with other people.
I think it's fine that some people use their words and others their actions. Obviously it's always best to be pretty good with words, yet to use actions to back them up. But most people haven't learned to love themselves, as we usually weren't taught how to deal with our emotions and feelings properly. That's when a lack of communication might stem from a lack of self-awareness.
A part of communication is also helping partners figuring themselves out. It's scary, as it might surface needs and wants that go against our own. And it's frustrating, as it shouldn't be our job to make up for the shortages of other people's lack in parenting skills. But if this form of communication never happens, the needs and wants don't go away, they simply manifest in toxic behavior.
There is no perfect order of words that can solve any problem with certainty, there is no cheat code in life. Communication is hard and it's a miracle that it even works the little it does. And there are no perfect partners, only those realizing that we are all imperfect, so that we can fail together at fully figuring out what this is all about.
But with the right partner - someone who accepts that it's not about already having or us giving them all the answers, but about the search for self-love as a team - we get to have a damn good time failing spectacularly together.
you put that incredibly well
I've met someone who says they can't be in a relationship with me bc they don't have romantic feelings for me but their actions made me feel otherwise. Gave me consistent attention and interest & initiate meeting up but push me away at the same time. Told me they don't want me to hope but also told me they are not closing doors. They told me it takes time for them to like someone bc they want to get to know the person first which I agree but idk if that was the reason why they have no romantic feelings for me or they weren't just that really into me enough to commit. It's been 2mos of dating. I guess people who act like in a relationship but explicitly declare to have no label, have fears of being responsible or they're avoiding accountability. I guess it's true that in their mind, once things make them uncomfortable, it easier for them to bail coz they didn't sign the papers anyway. They can avoid being guilty or being responsible for other people's feelings.
I love Jameson ❤
podcast got spicy today
I literally just had to break it off today with the guy that has been treating me like his boyfriend for months, but “cannot commit”. It took me so long to realise that my mistake was believing his actions rather than his words. He was treating me better than anyone ever has, with so much love and care. That must mean something, right? Wrong. I can’t believe I was so blind. Lesson fucking learned.
Matthew has a great post on this from sometime last year which is a bit clearer than articulated here … basically, the message was ‘believe their actions rather than their words *except* when the words are difficult or inconvenient for them to say’.
@@nj2810 they say pretty much the same thing in the video to be fair. The guy is actually really great. He wasn't intentionally playing me, he is just very damaged. Truly heartbreaking, but that's life I guess.
@@vikkio92 I'm in the same situation except it took me nine years to figure out the same lesson. Wishing you healing for your heartbreak and to never have to learn this lesson again.
@@katborrowdale4313 I'm really sorry to hear that! And thank you very much, I wish the same for you my friend
As an Audrey myself, I second her suggestion of putting the stinky fish BACK in the sea they came from! 😊
Totally with Audrey on everything here 😂
He is so funny and accurate too😅
Lol, love the end.
The ship analogy is so true! Applies to cheating as well.
You guys tease Audrey haha😂
A friend of mine accused me of cheating on him. My head just spun when he said this! I queried him on when he had asked me to be his girlfriend much less exclusive. Men!!
I'm with Audrey, to the sea they can go 😊
On Audrey saying to "put them in the sea": it's that old saw "there's lots of good fish in the sea" - so if they're too small, or inedible, or just not very tasty, throw 'em back!
The analogy 🤣
Yes!
All relationships are not about LOVE.
And LOVE alone is not enough.
Divorce rate ?
**Rofl** @ what Jameson said: 9:15 😂 lol and high five to Audrey… those types of men or dudes don’t get to walk a plank. Straight to the sea for them because @ some point, they have to know (maybe right away) they are doing the wrong thing. I was ghosted last year by a man that came back to months later. Communication is even worse than it was the first time around. This is a man who has difficulty, but I don’t think it’s so much difficult if him as purposefully deceptive or manipulative, being upfront about his intentions. It’s like he’s a toy I need to wind up-I need to ask questions in order to get information from him-this is a grown man. Or I guess age is just a number because he’s so emotionally immature it’s stifling. So uncool.
This is terrifying!!! I’m sorry but I can’t put myself out there knowing a guy could do this to me. If I fall I fall deep and would be crushed into tiny pieces if this happened to me.
I'm with Audrey, he can go swim with the sharks for a little bit 😂
If this guy said that he never loved her, then that's the truth and she should never believe he does all of a sudden now.
I love you Its not I'm sorry! This means that I'm afraid I'll lose control of you and you'll find a better guy for yourself thats bad for my benefit and ego.🤷♀
As much as I agree with you, we probably can agree that the past two years of pandemic were tough. Couples being stuck with each other, decisions postponed, lifes put on hold and even working relationships were put to a test they might not fully recover from. Not saying this is the case here, but holding on to each other for the wrong reasons may have been a solution for many couples. Switching on the survival mode.
Sigh I like her SO MUCH.
I think what my ex said to me was way more hurtful than this. We were together for like 3 years, we also had a 1year old son, we got married and after 2 years he told me that he never loved me, the only reason why he married me was because sex outside marriage is a sin and he didn't want to sin. He really hurted me, so I left him, and he came back weeks after saying that he loved me. That was way to late and hurtful for me to take him back.
Sadly, that's why most religious men rush to get married
What to do when a man you love physically pushes you away and closes the door on your face
The first one sounds like a fearful avoidant maybe?? (not that this excuses his behaviour)
could this be an example of a avoidant attachment style case?! Where where he kept it safe for him by just saying that he didnt like her.. I would love for you guys to talk mor about tgis style of avoidnat individuals - how do you deal with him? You leave them because they are simple broke? theres any chance for this ppl?
My ex ( who was in his late 40s) took me away for a weekend in nov’19 to celebrate 2 years, tells me he loved me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together, i sold my house due to move in together, dumps me the week before Xmas Blames me for the breakup I then found out from his ex wife ( I’m friendly with) he had met the woman he left me for on tinder and juggled us, told her it was over with us, when she found out about me he chose her, I’ve found out, since that there was an overlap between me and his ex-wife, even though he told me they split six months before, she then told me that when she met him 20 years before there was an overlap between her and his previous girlfriend and he lied to her too, he was also on the unfaithful to her three times. It gets better. I decided to go back dating a year after we split went on one of the dating sites and he was on there and apparently they were having a break and he had gone straight back on Tinder. She’s now married him more fool her, lucky escape for me, you couldn’t write it as he will do it again to Her 😂😂 this is a man who’s not been single in 30 years
Why do I always see myself in the red flags and not other people
The guy that I am dating told me the other day that people is obsessed with labels. How do you interpret that? 🤷♀️
You shouldn’t ‘need’ someone you should ‘want’ them. He thought the grass was greener elsewhere or he was dumped with the person he was grooming and slithered back. The snake. Hope she told him where to go
Total confusion 😁😳
Audrey is being light hearted Matt with the actual words she is saying, chill.
They dont love you at all when they cheat or are jealous of you or make you jealousafter you guys dated. He doesn't even care at all lol
My ex boyfriend told me he wanted to get back together with him because “psychologically men want options, I've realized I only want you”. He told me this after saying “so i reached out my crush that I had during our relationship and almost broke up with you over and she's not interested in me that way”
Lol he sounds lame. Leave him for the guy who KNOWS you’re #1. Or leave a space for that better man to walk in.
@@freshmintsky oh I did ☺️. I'm now looking for the guy that will treat me right and makes me a priority. Unfortunately, I was with my ex for two and a half years because i thought that's what love was 😭
🙄 omg, did he think that was gonna win you back?? I hope you were over him enough by that point to tell him he should continue exploring the "options he wants" since YOU no longer were one of them.
@@VicandWes omg thank goodness it was Only 2.5 years!! Yes, sad, but some of us have thrown away 3…. & other potential, better partners. Better late than never, though. The whole world is opening up for you ♥️☃️💙
Also congratulations ♥️♥️♥️ big time
Audrey us so lovely .
Me and my ex broke up 1 month ago. She went to new zealand for half a year and told me she couldnt do a long distance relationship. We had a 1.5 year relationship and at the break up she told me she never loved me during the relationship and only loves me as a friend. She still wants us to be friends because i was the only to communicate with her outside her house hold. Now 1 week ago she sents a message asking how i am doing and if i was open to chat. My question is: is it okay for me just to say i dont want to be friends anymore and i dont want you to contact me. I still care about her. Is it better to cut al contact forever or quit complaining and just be friends?
Cut all contact. Set that boundary for you. You don’t deserve to be treated just like friend when you clearly want more from her.
As a Brit I love the monarchy banter
I also know of a bad swimmer
BE NICE TO AUDREY.😡SHE’S A PRINCESS!
Throw them all into the sea girls😅😅
She should pass on that one.