The best one I ever heard was Churchill answering Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." to which Churchill replied: ""Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it." Insults don't come much better than that.
I'd heard about some 'sledging' between Auzzie and English cricket players (could be wrong about the countries) PlayerA to PlayerB: Looks like you're putting on a bit of weight there. PlayerB to PlayerA: Yeh, everytime I f*** your wife, she gives me a biscuit.
@@suttoncoldfield9318 Another good one was Ian Botham coming out to bat: Hey Botham how's your wife and my kids? Botham replied the wife's fine but the kids are retarded.
@@lordhelpus3955 IIRC, it was even worse than the Lady Astor insult. "Winston you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk", to which he replied: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly." Wow! I wish I could come up with quips like that - but I suppose it's easier when you're drunk!
Churchill was a gold mine for insults. Another one was: Churchill was in the lavatory (washroom/bathroom) in the House of Commons and his secretary knocked on the door and said "Excuse me Prime Minister, but the Lord Privy Seal wishes to speak with you." After a pause, Churchill replied "Tell his Lordship: I'm sealed on the privy and can only deal with one shit at a time."
I heard that in Ireland 40 years ago "choose a window, you're leaving".. along with "Are you talking to me or chewing a brick? Either way you're going to lose your teeth"
@@ShinySilvery - I hadn't got that far in at that point... 😉 It just highlights another difference between the UK and US - Americans tend to take everything far too personally - then return next day and shoot you up for speaking... 🤣
I once heard a lady with Special Needs use the classic "lick my arse", when she gave someone the finger. Everyone knew exactly what she meant, especially the "dickhead" who had insulted her 🤣
I haven't laughed so much in ages as when Alana was reeling off the insults one after another. I'm a Canadian who's lived in the UK for 30+ years and I have to admit I use most of these regularly!
I've always had a soft spot for 'You couldn't organise a shag in a brothel' and it's close cousin 'You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery' such poetry. Keep up to the good work. 😁
I don't know how true this is for Canadians, but a lot of people are a bit shocked at how much the British swear; specifically how casually we are happy to drop C bombs at each other, with a suffix as an adjective, to describe inanimate objects or just as an expletive when you stub your toe etc. etc. We really are extremely foul mouthed. I think it's wonderful, personally!
It really does vary a lot though. I know people who swear very rarely or only mildly, and people who really don't like it when other people swear around them.
I'm Canadian and I rarely hear swearing in public here where I am. People are generally considerate of others' sensitivities. By contrast, I went to New York and was shocked at how much public swearing went on. Never heard anything like that in other parts of the US or Canada.
I love that you nailed the fact that we can use exactly the same insult and phrase both in an 'endearing' way with friends/people we know well and actually as a proper insult...we get extremely creative throwing insults when we are driving and there's absolutely nothing endearing about how we mean it 😂
"Daft as a brush" has also long been popular in the North, but "thick as two short planks" and "daft as a box of frogs" are equally useful. I like "three tokens short of a pop-up toaster".
"Take a long walk off a short pier." Then a few decades ago, a couple of writers were working on a space based sitcom, and they felt given the situation, the characters would likely swear. The slight hitch was that it was to be broadcast before the "watershed", when there are strict limits on swearing and "adult" content. Their workaround was to devise their own: smeg (not to be confused with an Italian domestic appliances manufacturer) - which also gave rise to the show's general purpose insult: Smeg head.
Honestly as a Brit I always assumed half of these were in common use throughout the Anglosphere... this has enlightened me to the unique diversity of insults we have available
Oh, thank you, I have never heard that one before, that is one to remember when management are running around like headless chicken when something has gone wrong at work.
Blackadder: “He’s about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house”. As a southerner living in Liverpool my favourite here is “he’s such a biff”, similar to “prat”. PS: gotta love some Malcolm Tucker. Plus British Alanna breaks my brain, but in a good way.
Bif is a shortened version of the Irish "Biffo" which means "Big ignorant fucker from Offaly" which former Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowan was often called (he was from Offaly)
"Bif" long antedates Brian Cowan; it refers to the condition spina bifida. I never heard it used to insult an actual disabled person; it was used to an able-bodied person as a general insult with the sense of "prat" or "idiot". Similar was "spaz", from "spastic". Do people still say these, they're so un-PC?
The ones I like: They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. They were out of the room/behind the door/at the back of the queue when brains were being handed out. Couldn't find his own arse with both hands and a map.
Alanna saying ‘wanker’ earned a thumbs up by itself lol - much like our variety of real ales or cheeses, our insults have matured and diversified into a source of national pride almost. A well delivered British insult is a thing to savour. Excellent appreciation Alanna 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
I often feel though that the deepest British insults are often the ones the recipient doesn't really realise are quite so deadly...and they're as often as not delivered quietly deadpan and straight-faced...
Oh yes Mark Roberts! On social(ish) media I've sometimes used excariating British put-downs - when justified - and they haven't been completely understood as such. Cue baffled head scratching. But, quite rightly, I've also been on the receiving end of others' comments and have been equally nonplussed. Just as it should be. Vive la différence.
This one is rather coarse, apologies..As a kid in the 70s I came home from school after getting in to a fight with another child. I told my Dad who knew the kid and he said " Don't worry about that little prick, the best bit of him dribbled down his mother legs." Without doubt the best insult I have ever heard.
This was hilarious. One of my personal favs; " as much use as a barb wire toilet roll". Everyone has that nano second of wincing as they process the comment.
My dad used to say “if brains were chocolate, you wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie” which was effective and also similar to the chocolate teapot there are “as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle” I enjoy your obvious delight at these phrases more than the phrases themselves. Keep the observations coming, yours, Billy no mates 😆
I like using 'pranny', 'twonk', 'moose' and 'don't get out of your pram' (which means calm down. It comes from children getting out of their pram to throw a hissy fit).
Forgot about "he's as thick as mince"! Also, the other day, someone pointed out the damage to the paintwork on my car and I said it had "more chips than a fat bloke's dinner plate". I was quite proud of that one... 😂
In Scotland there's a convention of typing phonetically to convey the accent giving us such gems as Bawbag which has the added benefit of defeating most profanity filters.
Another firm British favourite: "Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery!" Basically saying...that person is literally the definition of totally incompetent.
Did you have Billy big bollocks? It means someone who is acting tougher than they actually are. "Don't come over here, having a go all Billy big bollocks!"
There are so many ways of calling someone's intelligence into question - 'He's about as bright as a two watt bulb' is one that always made me smile, though this may be fast becoming old fashioned due to the phasing out of traditional lightbulbs !
I love calling people a “donut” or a “silly sausage” here in Canada. I get the strangest looks. Hearing this made me particularly homesick. Great videos as usual!
Mainly a London thing but you can refer to an attractive woman as a 'sausage' as in tasty, fanciable etc. Not a silly sausage though, that would be silly.
From the North West/ West Scotland. Describing a woman putting on airs and graces. 'Look at her, fur coat and no knickers'. And my favorite Churchill one was when he started to walk out of the Gentleman's toilets in the House of Commons without washing his hands. 'Winston, at Eton we are taught to wash our hands after a piss.' 'Well at Harrow we are taught not to piss on our hands.'
Many years ago, I worked with a young lady from Ukraine, who had married a Brit, and whose personal favourite English word was "Numpty" - it sounded really weird, but kinda interesting, in her accent!
My Dad would sometimes describe a person as being ‘ like a fart in a trance’ and he once said that the broadcaster Simon Mayo did not have two brains to rub together. My favourite is f**kwit. I have also heard that adding the word ‘ virgin ‘ at the end of your insult makes a comeback even more difficult.
Throwing the toys out of the pram as in 'thrown his toys out of the pram' or 'tossed his teddy out' is said more about someone as opposed to them direct. 'Chucked a wobbly' covers it too.
Love “40 watt”, and the Harry Enfield throwback, “Tim nice but dim”. In a conversation when you’re trying to get someone in charge it’s always fun to start with, “I’d like to speak to the organ grinder please, not the monkey” 😬.
A long time ago when I worked at Safeways I tricked one of the manager’s to ask on the store announcement system if there is a ‘Wayne Kerr’ in the store and could they please come to the front by the checkouts. I couldn’t believe it when he did it. Strangely I didn’t last long there after that.
it must be something about Gateways/Safeways, pranks in store when I worked there after school were:- sending someone to the store manager for a long weight. (manager had a sense of humour told him to wait there and left him standing outside the office for 10 mins), a new employee on the deli counter was told to sharpen the cheese wires, they even sent one lad out to sweep the skip!
In the days pre-decimalisation (yes, I do remember that far back…), “tuppence short of a shilling” was a popular insult. Quite frankly, “wanker” does it for me…indeed, I used it only this morning to a gentleman on the phone who told me he was from Microsoft and that I had a virus on my PC…”piss off, you scamming wanker!” Great video, Alanna, keep ‘em coming!
In the UK all these insults are just part of daily routine, no one thinks twice about them, but listening to you describing them is hilarious and makes me appreciate how good we are at the art of insults, using such diverse vocabulary.
As much use as Anne Franks drum kit. I know it's wrong, but it always gets the most awkward of laughs. How delightful to hear you swear too. Loved it lol.
There’s one you missed. Understandable as I guess it’s not in popular use which is how English Actor Tom Hiddleston as Loki got it past the censors when he ad libbed it into the Avengers movie when addressing Scarlet Johansson’s character Black Widow as a “Mewling Quim”
Hello, how are you? I found your name and I follow the Canadian news by chance and I wanted to talk to you because I like the culture and life there very much and maybe we can be friends and I wait for your reply with all due respect
Another one I haven't heard for a while: "He's being a right big girl's blouse". I have no idea where that came from. Kinda means making a fuss about something that doesn't matter, or finding excuses not to do something. "Stop being a big girl's blouse and call the dentist!"
The first time I heard 'Big girls blouse' was in an old British sitcom from the early 60's from a character called Nellie Pledge. Anyone remember the name? It starred Jimmy Jewel methinks.
The best one I ever heard was Churchill answering Lady Astor:
"Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." to which Churchill replied: ""Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."
Insults don't come much better than that.
Lady Astor again. Winston you are drunk.
Churchill: Madam you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.
I'd heard about some 'sledging' between Auzzie and English cricket players (could be wrong about the countries)
PlayerA to PlayerB: Looks like you're putting on a bit of weight there.
PlayerB to PlayerA: Yeh, everytime I f*** your wife, she gives me a biscuit.
@@suttoncoldfield9318 Another good one was Ian Botham coming out to bat: Hey Botham how's your wife and my kids? Botham replied the wife's fine but the kids are retarded.
@@suttoncoldfield9318 Australia Vs Zimbabwe
@@lordhelpus3955 IIRC, it was even worse than the Lady Astor insult.
"Winston you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk", to which he replied: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
Wow! I wish I could come up with quips like that - but I suppose it's easier when you're drunk!
''Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery'' ....one of the most useful phrases ever made!
Couldn't organise a bible meeting in the Vatican.
One of my favourites. About as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
🤣🤣
Ya beat me to it!
That sounds like it was taken from Blackadder?
@@steviebudden3397 No it pre-dates Blackadder. That's from the late 70's.
Cried with laughter at this one although I have heard it myself!
I’m Swedish living in the uk for most of my life and I absolutely love British insults and they’re so satisfying
Thanks so much for watching!
Churchill was a gold mine for insults. Another one was:
Churchill was in the lavatory (washroom/bathroom) in the House of Commons and his secretary knocked on the door and said "Excuse me Prime Minister, but the Lord Privy Seal wishes to speak with you." After a pause, Churchill replied "Tell his Lordship: I'm sealed on the privy and can only deal with one shit at a time."
the wheel's still turning but the hamster has left the cage.is a way to describe someone who is stupid.
A Scottish one - "pick your windae, your leaving".
I heard that in Ireland 40 years ago "choose a window, you're leaving".. along with "Are you talking to me or chewing a brick? Either way you're going to lose your teeth"
I was at a party in the 1990's and heard the host say to a gatecrasher ''You're leaving. Door or window?''
Unlike you Jocks, you're going nowhere. lol
@@imperialdebauchery5988 from your name I assume you sip a lot of tea.
@Charles Taylor YESSS! Forgot about that one - must remember!
" if brains were chocolate you wouldn't fill a Smartie"
He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag. He couldn't knock the skin off a rice pudding.
One of my favourites is: “he/she’s several sandwiches short of a picnic”
A few others not sure whether they are english or australian, "not the sharpest tool in the shed", "the lift doesnt go to the top floor"
The Australian version of this one is "A snag (=sausage) shy of a barbie".
@@radamspse I've seen "not the sharpest tool in the shed" followed with "and all the tools are lump hammers"
I'm English born and bred and often use two planks short of a building block
I like when you were born the dr slapped your mother
"Have a word with yourself" is another great condescending one
my ex used to say "go and have a little chat with yourself"... always shut me down
I’ve never heard that before. Writing it in my notebook right now
As are 'quiet now', 'stop showing off in front of your friends' or 'pipe down'
@@chapettewhat5158 It's more like telling someone to go and reassess their attitude and stop being a jerk.
By far the best insulting name I heard when in the military was an individual who’d been nicknamed “Thrombo” because he was a slow moving clot
We used to call somebody Harpic because the were clean around the bend. 😁 From an old TV advert.
One of my personal favourites…
‘He couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.’
couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel
@@loquayrocks
The cruder version I learned is “couldn’t arrange a hard on in a whore house!” 😹
Banter - not an insult...
@@BassandoForte
Which is allowed in this context, as clarified here 6:08 by Alannah herself…
@@ShinySilvery - I hadn't got that far in at that point... 😉
It just highlights another difference between the UK and US - Americans tend to take everything far too personally - then return next day and shoot you up for speaking... 🤣
A condescending insult similar to “threw his toys out of the pram” is
he “spit his dummy out”
That's a good one!
In Australia we would say, "He's having a dummy spit"
or 'Threw the toys out of the pram'
“Are you taking the piss” was misquoted by a Spanish exchange student we had working with us in the office. She said “Are you taking my piss” 🤢🤣
and said in her accent would have been so much better.
Welcome to North East :)
I once heard a lady with Special Needs use the classic "lick my arse", when she gave someone the finger. Everyone knew exactly what she meant, especially the "dickhead" who had insulted her 🤣
I haven't laughed so much in ages as when Alana was reeling off the insults one after another. I'm a Canadian who's lived in the UK for 30+ years and I have to admit I use most of these regularly!
My personal favourites are “They have a face like a smacked arse” and “you piss in the wind”
You look like you dropped a pound and found a penny 🤨
Also "Face like a bag of spanners"
I have also heard: ‘ a face like a welders bench’ and ‘ a face like a burglars dog’.
My only Australian contribution to this highly entertaining discussion: “A face like a dropped pie”
Face like a half chewed Lion bar
I've always had a soft spot for 'You couldn't organise a shag in a brothel' and it's close cousin 'You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery' such poetry. Keep up to the good work. 😁
Couldn't organise an organisation in an organisation class for training organisations to organise
I don't know how true this is for Canadians, but a lot of people are a bit shocked at how much the British swear; specifically how casually we are happy to drop C bombs at each other, with a suffix as an adjective, to describe inanimate objects or just as an expletive when you stub your toe etc. etc.
We really are extremely foul mouthed. I think it's wonderful, personally!
Research says people that swear a lot have a big vocabulary, not sure if that's true but if it is my vocabulary must be mahoosive.
It really does vary a lot though. I know people who swear very rarely or only mildly, and people who really don't like it when other people swear around them.
you could call someone a Berk which is cockney rhyming slang "Berkshire Hunt"
In Australia, the "C" word is used as a term of affection!
I'm Canadian and I rarely hear swearing in public here where I am. People are generally considerate of others' sensitivities. By contrast, I went to New York and was shocked at how much public swearing went on. Never heard anything like that in other parts of the US or Canada.
I'm Australian and can confirm that we also swear heaps!!
'as thick as two short planks' is another one
I've always liked the Darwinian term 'wank stain' when describing someone's usefulness to mankind.
Hilarious. "Who rattled your cage" is a fav of mine
Alanna has definitely lived in a pub since arriving in Britain,her knowledge is too advanced!💗👍🇬🇧
I love that you nailed the fact that we can use exactly the same insult and phrase both in an 'endearing' way with friends/people we know well and actually as a proper insult...we get extremely creative throwing insults when we are driving and there's absolutely nothing endearing about how we mean it 😂
"Daft as a brush" has also long been popular in the North, but "thick as two short planks" and "daft as a box of frogs" are equally useful. I like "three tokens short of a pop-up toaster".
I Welsh there is something similar, which translates as “daft as a wheelbarrow”!
😂
A rather crude one, but "thick as pigshit" always comes easily to my lips...
Daft as a brush with two hairs on.
A few cans short of a six pack.
"Take a long walk off a short pier."
Then a few decades ago, a couple of writers were working on a space based sitcom, and they felt given the situation, the characters would likely swear. The slight hitch was that it was to be broadcast before the "watershed", when there are strict limits on swearing and "adult" content. Their workaround was to devise their own: smeg (not to be confused with an Italian domestic appliances manufacturer) - which also gave rise to the show's general purpose insult: Smeg head.
I always felt uncomfortable whenever they said that - 'cos it actually sounds like 'smegma' which is something disgusting!
@@SteveParkes-Sparko It was supposed to
@@nigel7277 in that case, they didn't really make it up, did they?
Red Wharf absolute Classic
“Who’s running it?”
Mark.
“Mark!? He couldn’t run a bath”. There’s variations of that sort of one too lol
... a pissup in a brewery
... a nursery in a brothel
... a shovel in a shithouse
Yep. There are many
"Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat" is a personal favourite.
As is cockwomble.
One of my favourites that fits into the standard format is, "As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike".
😂
"Slower than a week in jail" is a personal favourite 😂
Honestly as a Brit I always assumed half of these were in common use throughout the Anglosphere... this has enlightened me to the unique diversity of insults we have available
"Blimey, guv, she said wanker."
The happiest I have ever been having someone throw insults at me for 9 minutes. You really are mastering life in the UK.
😂
A personal favourite for someone who gets overly emotional or couldn’t handle a situation: ‘Went to bits quicker than a leper in a wind tunnel’
I absolutely love that one, I've never heard it before,
That's brilliant. I'm gonna use it
lovely
Oh, thank you, I have never heard that one before, that is one to remember when management are running around like headless chicken when something has gone wrong at work.
I used to try an sneak a similar
“ I’ve seen more fat on a chip “ 👍😂😂😂
I've seen more fat on a bone dice.
"I've seen more fat on a butchers pencil". Used to common around here.
Blackadder: “He’s about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house”. As a southerner living in Liverpool my favourite here is “he’s such a biff”, similar to “prat”. PS: gotta love some Malcolm Tucker. Plus British Alanna breaks my brain, but in a good way.
Bif is a shortened version of the Irish "Biffo" which means "Big ignorant fucker from Offaly" which former Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowan was often called (he was from Offaly)
About as useful as a handbrake on a boat
Are you saying Alanna's twisting your melon, man?
@@hughtube5154 yup, should probably just chill m' bean
"Bif" long antedates Brian Cowan; it refers to the condition spina bifida. I never heard it used to insult an actual disabled person; it was used to an able-bodied person as a general insult with the sense of "prat" or "idiot". Similar was "spaz", from "spastic". Do people still say these, they're so un-PC?
My favourite I've heard to describe a gnarly looking bloke is "He looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle".
The ones I like:
They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.
They were out of the room/behind the door/at the back of the queue when brains were being handed out.
Couldn't find his own arse with both hands and a map.
You make a better door than a window, when someone is standing in front of you so that you can't see something.
Alanna saying ‘wanker’ earned a thumbs up by itself lol - much like our variety of real ales or cheeses, our insults have matured and diversified into a source of national pride almost. A well delivered British insult is a thing to savour. Excellent appreciation Alanna 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
There are some choice expressions in the "Angry British Drivers" video. Makes one proud to be British.
I often feel though that the deepest British insults are often the ones the recipient doesn't really realise are quite so deadly...and they're as often as not delivered quietly deadpan and straight-faced...
Bit she pronounced it, "wenker"?
Oh yes Mark Roberts! On social(ish) media I've sometimes used excariating British put-downs - when justified - and they haven't been completely understood as such. Cue baffled head scratching. But, quite rightly, I've also been on the receiving end of others' comments and have been equally nonplussed. Just as it should be. Vive la différence.
It's actually pronounced "oi! wankaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
I like the phrases, "couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery" or "Couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque" for people who are incompetent.
This one is rather coarse, apologies..As a kid in the 70s I came home from school after getting in to a fight with another child. I told my Dad who knew the kid and he said " Don't worry about that little prick, the best bit of him dribbled down his mother legs." Without doubt the best insult I have ever heard.
As useful as a handbrake on a canoe is personal favourite of mine.
😂
Or a trap door in a canoe!
'Twat', 'Knob', 'Bell-end', and 'F**kwit'. These are all used alot by many people!!
This was hilarious.
One of my personal favs; " as much use as a barb wire toilet roll". Everyone has that nano second of wincing as they process the comment.
When you put them all in a list like this I can't deny that we do have a lot of great insults.
My dad used to say “if brains were chocolate, you wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie” which was effective and also similar to the chocolate teapot there are “as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle” I enjoy your obvious delight at these phrases more than the phrases themselves. Keep the observations coming, yours, Billy no mates 😆
In a similar vein : if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your hat off.
@@Rockdoc2174 😂
@@Rockdoc2174There's also "If brains were taxable you'd get a rebate"
I like using 'pranny', 'twonk', 'moose' and 'don't get out of your pram' (which means calm down. It comes from children getting out of their pram to throw a hissy fit).
When you bleeped out your favourites...”I laughed my bollocks off”....well said Alanna.😆👍😆
One of my favourites is …… your like a lighthouse in the desert, you may be bright but your no fucking use to anyone. 😁👍
Forgot about "he's as thick as mince"!
Also, the other day, someone pointed out the damage to the paintwork on my car and I said it had "more chips than a fat bloke's dinner plate". I was quite proud of that one... 😂
"As helpful, as a fart in a spacesuit"
There’s some rhyming slang phrases that are quite useful, “He’s a bit of a James Hunt” springs to mind. 😉
Actually, that is also the supposed origin of the insult "berk" short for Berkshire hunt! So a "wise" man in a pub once told me.
@@ExpendableRedshirt that’s probably right. I can remember my father saying someone was ‘a bit of berk’ many years before James Hunt became famous.
"Smells like a Richard the third"
Going for a pony (pony and trap, cr*p)
In Scotland there's a convention of typing phonetically to convey the accent giving us such gems as Bawbag which has the added benefit of defeating most profanity filters.
It's like that is it fannybaws?
I don't know what you are saying but it sounds mighty saucy...
@@Isleofskye Is that said to the dictionary man?
@@eadweard. Plagiarism at its finest, Sir :)
You are spot-on, my friend. by Hugh Laurie's character...
@@eadweard. awa' and take yer face for a shite...
😉
“If he had a brain, he’d-be dangerous”
Or as Billy Connolly said on Parkinson - “as useful as a fart in a spaceship”
I think Connolly said "about as welcome as a fart in a space-suit", but I could be wrong.
@@ftumschk you're right, I remember the other guests crying with laughter (I think it was either Mary or Barbara Woodhouse)
@ftumschk: I stand corrected, and @Simone Sugarwasn’t one of them
Angie Dickinson ( police woman )
Another firm British favourite:
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery!"
Basically saying...that person is literally the definition of totally incompetent.
That Sounds like the government
Hello how are you
One of my favourites is: he/she "couldn't find his/her arse with both hands!"
Oh I love that one. I think I first heard it in a Terry Pratchett book. I wonder if he came to with it.
Couldn't find his arse with both hands and a map.
One my dad used frequently... 'your as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition'.
@@NicholasTristram Couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, for the athletically challenged.
My favourite Glagow put down - " Awa an boil yer heid! "
(Go away and boil your head!)
Alanna saying WANKER, 🤣😁😂🤣 My sides . Gurl that's awesome 👏
Did you have Billy big bollocks? It means someone who is acting tougher than they actually are. "Don't come over here, having a go all Billy big bollocks!"
Ahhh I forgot that one!
On a similar theme ‘as much use as a chocolate fireguard’ is one of my most used.
Or ashtray on a motorbike.
Stay safe,
😎❤✌
There are so many ways of calling someone's intelligence into question - 'He's about as bright as a two watt bulb' is one that always made me smile, though this may be fast becoming old fashioned due to the phasing out of traditional lightbulbs !
I like the lights are on but no one is home
There's an older version of that among ex-service men and women "Dim as a NAAFI candle."
I love calling people a “donut” or a “silly sausage” here in Canada. I get the strangest looks. Hearing this made me particularly homesick. Great videos as usual!
Ahh silly sausage is a good one! Forgot that
Mainly a London thing but you can refer to an attractive woman as a 'sausage' as in tasty, fanciable etc. Not a silly sausage though, that would be silly.
From the North West/ West Scotland. Describing a woman putting on airs and graces. 'Look at her, fur coat and no knickers'.
And my favorite Churchill one was when he started to walk out of the Gentleman's toilets in the House of Commons without washing his hands.
'Winston, at Eton we are taught to wash our hands after a piss.'
'Well at Harrow we are taught not to piss on our hands.'
Many years ago, I worked with a young lady from Ukraine, who had married a Brit, and whose personal favourite English word was "Numpty" - it sounded really weird, but kinda interesting, in her accent!
I love numpty! A lot of fun to say, too
"ya got more chance of nailing a bubble to the wall, pal" - theres another one for you!
I find that non-Brits find "muppet" and "doughnut" the most amusing
if we're insulting you, we like you.... if we're polite. run
My Dad would sometimes describe a person as being ‘ like a fart in a trance’ and he once said that the broadcaster Simon Mayo did not have two brains to rub together. My favourite is f**kwit. I have also heard that adding the word ‘ virgin ‘ at the end of your insult makes a comeback even more difficult.
"If tha brains were dynamite tha woudn't have enough to blow tha bloody cap off" - one of my favourites from Yorkshire.😁
One from childhood in the S. Wales valleys: "He's got the skin of his arse on his forehead" (meaning "He's in a grumpy mood")
also, you can use these to create complete sentences to tell people off: "go on then, sod off, leave me here like billy no mates.."
Throwing the toys out of the pram as in 'thrown his toys out of the pram' or 'tossed his teddy out' is said more about someone as opposed to them direct. 'Chucked a wobbly' covers it too.
"He's spat the dummy" is a good tantrum one.
Alternatively, "threw his rattle out the pram".
Ironically - I've used this so much since January 6th... 🤣
Threw a wobbly
@@BassandoForteThat is being too kind. He has definitely lost the plot.
I rather like "He/She hasn't got two brain cells to rub together".
‘If you had another brain cell it would be lonely’
"Two more brain cells: you'll be a guard dog; three more and you'll be a plate of cabbage!"
One of my favourite insults to demonstrate how utterly useless someone is, is "you're about as much use as a eunuch in a brothel" 😂
Love “40 watt”, and the Harry Enfield throwback, “Tim nice but dim”. In a conversation when you’re trying to get someone in charge it’s always fun to start with, “I’d like to speak to the organ grinder please, not the monkey” 😬.
Another excellent phrase 'As randy as a dog in an artificial leg factory'
You can tell it is summer in the UK, Alanna wearing a jumper 🤣 great video as always. ♥️ How you can smile while swearing 🤣 brilliant.
and then there is " he's as much use as a spare prick at a honeymoon"
A long time ago when I worked at Safeways I tricked one of the manager’s to ask on the store announcement system if there is a ‘Wayne Kerr’ in the store and could they please come to the front by the checkouts. I couldn’t believe it when he did it. Strangely I didn’t last long there after that.
it must be something about Gateways/Safeways, pranks in store when I worked there after school were:- sending someone to the store manager for a long weight. (manager had a sense of humour told him to wait there and left him standing outside the office for 10 mins), a new employee on the deli counter was told to sharpen the cheese wires, they even sent one lad out to sweep the skip!
Almost as bad as looking for Mike Hunt.
Sending apprentices for a long stand, or rainbow paint. Storemen or warehouse workers loved these.
The lights are on, but no ones at home.
Pissed out of your skull.
“Bellend” is always a good one 😂
“what a tosspot”.”He/ she would start a fight in an empty room”.”go take a jump”.If he had two brain cells ,he would be dangerous “😂😂
In the days pre-decimalisation (yes, I do remember that far back…), “tuppence short of a shilling” was a popular insult. Quite frankly, “wanker” does it for me…indeed, I used it only this morning to a gentleman on the phone who told me he was from Microsoft and that I had a virus on my PC…”piss off, you scamming wanker!” Great video, Alanna, keep ‘em coming!
"Jog on" isn't an insult...it's an instruction. It means "go away".
My (current) favourite is "about as useful as a handbrake on a canoe."
"About as much use as a handbrake on a canoe."
In the UK all these insults are just part of daily routine, no one thinks twice about them, but listening to you describing them is hilarious and makes me appreciate how good we are at the art of insults, using such diverse vocabulary.
The Scottish sitcom "Still game" has brutal Scots humour that makes me laugh so much, even though I'm English.
As much use as Anne Franks drum kit.
I know it's wrong, but it always gets the most awkward of laughs.
How delightful to hear you swear too.
Loved it lol.
I had to think about that one for ages!
"You're about as useful as a split condom" is my favourite🤣
There’s one you missed. Understandable as I guess it’s not in popular use which is how English Actor Tom Hiddleston as Loki got it past the censors when he ad libbed it into the Avengers movie when addressing Scarlet Johansson’s character Black Widow as a “Mewling Quim”
I believe that the UK pub culture is largely responsible for the wide range of such insults that we have.
One of my favourites is "If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose".
Or "If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his hat off".
"If brains were made of wool, you couldn't knit a skull-cap for a canary"
If your brains were chocolate, you wouldn't have enough to make a smartie!
"If wit was shit, you'd be constipated"
as reliable as a mcdonalds milkshake machine
Hahahahaha... that was amazing 😂😂😂 This is why we can't start swear jars in the UK, people get too creative with their insults! 😂
Hello, how are you? I found your name and I follow the Canadian news by chance and I wanted to talk to you because I like the culture and life there very much and maybe we can be friends and I wait for your reply with all due respect
I can only imagine what life would be like without the word ‘moron’.
Another one I haven't heard for a while: "He's being a right big girl's blouse". I have no idea where that came from. Kinda means making a fuss about something that doesn't matter, or finding excuses not to do something. "Stop being a big girl's blouse and call the dentist!"
I heard that one in Blackadder. I love the insults there.
The first time I heard 'Big girls blouse' was in an old British sitcom from the early 60's from a character called Nellie Pledge. Anyone remember the name?
It starred Jimmy Jewel methinks.
Nearest and dearest starring Hyda Baker and Jimmy Jewel.
@@James130141 Yeah, that's it. Thanks. ... They don't make 'em like that anymore, the big girls blouses!
Calling someone a cabbage for an absent-minded mistake or to be mildly insulting.
Omg.....
I was wetting myself laughing at this one.
Thank you for making my week!
As a billy no mates myself I will pass this onto my work colleagues!