Why Do Narcissists Have Such Low Insight?
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- Опубліковано 5 сер 2022
- Each person has a need to grow and adjust. No one is so ideal that they live with perfect tendencies at all times. Healthy people embrace the prospects for growth, seeking wisdom and clarity. Narcissist, however, do the opposite. Not only do they not seek insight into themselves, they work overtime pushing their tensions onto you. Dr. Les Carter explores why this happens and how your awareness of this deficiency can impact your responses to them.
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They have insight into what they do, they fully understand their behaviour, that is how they manipulate. They also want you to think they are clueless so they can make excuses that they had no idea what they were doing, but they did.
Correct. They love "playing" stupid.
🎯🎯🎯
I was gonna say "brain damage" but your reply is better!😍👍
@@shelley7975 ...these creatures will mess everything up so you won't ever ask them for anything EVER AGAIN !! Lazy to the max!
@@texaspatty458 Yep, they'll just sit and watch you while you do everything around the house. No incentive to make things better for anyone but themselves. It's really quite strange how unmotivated they are to improve their living areas. I'm over it.
I hate the blame shifting more than anything else, how you get blamed for their incompetence, laziness or poor behaviour.
OMG!!! Tell me about it!!!
And they never Give in
The two I am currently dealing with will literally say something that is both baseless and makes zero sense, then in their next breath claim that I said it and that I am lying despite it all being on camera and getting recorded point blank in their faces.
I found their need to blame in every circumstances exhausting. From the small and insignificant to the big and important. Along with blame rode the anger and rage. Exhausting!
This exactly
I think it's not just mental laziness, but also that avalanche of reality and pain (and shame) that would all come crashing down on them if they let even the smallest snowflake of truth land. Years or decades of avoidance and denial has the potential to crush and suffocate them....easier and more comfortable to live in denial and delusion forever, no matter how much more damage and weight is added to that pile of crap over their heads.
You hit it right on the head 💯
I like your writing style.
Nice insight!
100%
@@francesbernard2445 thank you ☺
I very much appreciate the manner in which Dr. Carter conveys his knowledge of narcissism. He thoughtfully and respectfully teaches with kindness and compassion those of us who have been ravaged by narcissists. Dr. Carter's insight and wisdom helps us to heal the wounds and understand how best to proceed. Big heartfelt thank you to Dr. Carter.
Thank you.
I agree xx
I feel the same!
Absolutely! I would even add that this compassionate approach is exactly what we need to heal, because although many of us might be carrying the heartbreak, pain, anger and sense of injustice that we endured through these types of relationships, kindness and compassion are what is going to allow us to thrive instead of staying stuck with those hard feelings!
I agree with you.
You have to dig deeper than the ego for real insight and they only operate on the superficial level of ego. More concerned with appearance of things than deeper self. Plus they look at others as having the issues; it’s not them.
So true in my experience
One thing I have noticed about narcissists is that they don't notice things about others, or details about life because they are too busy thinking about fulfilling their every desire. They don't think about who or what is around them, only who is paying attention to them.
Looking back, I ignored quite a few red flags. My narc ex-friend told me they like playing games with people for entertainment. Little did I know that included me, a so called "best friend". just baffling. So glad I found team healthy!
Yep. I can relate. 🌸🍀
Yes - I can relate. I never thought in a million that she was ever like she turned out to be. The victim yet chronic complainer - how do these traits translate into toxic - yet they do.
Me too. 😌
Like Dr. Phil says, "if they will do it WITH you, they will do it TO you." So, if they confessed that they like to play games, it's pretty well sure that they will play games with you as well.
Had the same experience, that friend was proud of being manipulative and telling me about it with pride, as if it was a great quality to have...
Self-deception. Before a Narcissist lies to anyone else, they first lie to themselves about their true selves.
‘The elevator doesn’t go to the top floor here’ never thought I’d laugh out loud watching a vid on narcissm
Just say to them, "Whatever", when they come out with their craziness.
This statement drives my narcie 🤪
The Bible verse that tells us not the throw pearls to swine. Comes to mind when your speaking about the little insight a narcissist has. God provides so much wisdom and insight to tells us how to cope with difficult behaviors. Thanks Dr C again for another edifying educational experience. So much love to you.
Shalom
How pertinent....
When I think about the entire verse: "Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces." It reminds me of its secular saying:...which is also apropos...."You can't teach a pig to whistle, it's a waste of your time and frustrates the pig."
@@bsavage357 I really needed this. 😅
@@bsavage357 Don't get into the dirt with the pig… The pig will love it and you will be covered in dirt!
A common thread among all Narcissistic individuals: “they are unaware that their unaware”. The other possibility can be considered with a % of them, should they be aware they knowingly do not care‼️
They know what they are doing..but do not care..it is intentional for them to neglect, hate, hurt.
@@sudhakhristmukti1930 you're correct, & one of the reasons is they behave & perform a different way with certain others (people they consider worthy) albeit for their own anterior motives. We get slammed by their invalidation, manipulations & exploitation. We are invisible & indentured servants who feed their egos, while we allow ourselves to have “no (this how I feel, this is what I think & this is what I want)”, because the focus is all about them, right (lol) Amazing how it took me a while to “recognize” what was going on⁉️
There is a small circle around them, outside of it nothing else exists!!
Plain and simple laziness.
That and hard work mentally, emotionally, and spiritually can’t be seen “so why do it” is how narcissists think. Manual labor- that which produces physical results can be praised and complimented. So they may perhaps do the physical work as long as they can be sure to win the admiration of people they want to impress. Otherwise, they’re too stinkin’ lazy to set their insights much higher than however little they can get by with without being held accountable for it.
Hi Kelly. I actually use the term "psychological laziness" quite often. You get it!
Ya one i know (who his ex always said had no empathy) told me "its not possible to put yourself in the shoes of someone when you haven't experienced the exact same thing as them" - ya, you can, it just takes imagination and some mental work...but they don't care to be bothered.
@@sheilajac exactly! 🎯
I've never encountered people that just refuse to do anything unless there is an audience. Lazy upon lazy , who can live like that ???!!!
Cause their sights are set INward!!!!
Unfortunately, what's inside there ain't pretty.
From my own personal experience: When I was hospitalized and once my covert narc sibling got the news, this sibling would bombard me with laughing text and emojis and telling me how perished and destroyed I will soon be and also requested keys in order to access my personal items at home. I didn't respond of course, I had little energy for toxicity. This same sibling will then go to our relative and complain to why I'm wasn't responding to the text. Low Insight, I would say yes. Lack of critical thinking also (this is why conversations lack any depth). Pushing psychopathic boundaries or crossed it, I believe so. At Least in my case.
Wow, that sibling's behaviors couldn't have been any more blatant! And yet he/she was oblivious to their own craziness. Sorry you were treated that way. Good to hear you didn't respond, which would only have opened an avenue for more abuse.
I’m so sorry this was your experience. Reading your story it’s so evident who is in the wrong here, it’s not you. I feel for you, our family are supposed to support us but narcissistic parents and siblings don’t have the ability. It’s hard not to feel for your sibling too, having such a warped sense of reality.
Sending you lots of love and light 💫
Wow! I have said exactly what you just said about the malignant narcissist in my life!! We definately aren’t alone!
Thanks guys and yes we are not alone. When the narc perceive you as 'down' that's when they really grind their negativity into you. When you 'up' and good and making changes they disappear.
Demonic😱😈 (the relative). I wonder how he/she ended up that way and you ended up on team healthy. Keep healing and stay safe dear one.
I think it’s because they are far too scared to take a deep look at themselves. They don’t want to know who they really are. And that is the thing -they don’t want to!
Not far too scared, just not even bothered. They are fine with how they are.
Yes, it is the shame, too painful too face.
Yes, I’m here to gain insight into a narcissist’s mind AND I can’t wait for that day when I won’t need to watch these videos anymore.
Something that fascinates me is that scapegoats/truth tellers DO have some type of “thing” - an alarm bell? - that something is off, but often can’t say what it is. An insight the narc’s victims need to counter the shock and disbelief is that, “Evil is real, and people are free to choose and certainly do”.
Yes, and the key is to listen to that "thing." Narcissists gaslight, which means they want you to doubt your intuitions. Part of your recovery is to listen to yourself anyway.
Thanks for your post!
They are cut off from their pain and YOUR PAIN.
Not a real relationship.
Every time I get the response "not me, you!" I'm immediately reminded of how immature they are.
This is when I went Grey rock because I knew just speaking to anyone about this for ages they would never understand. Whoever has been around me for these past few years might understand, but nobody else will.
OMG this is so true! It borders on stupidity! They never see "the other side!" They don't even question it! It drives me insane! 🤯🤬🤪🤯
"The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor". Love it!
The worst are the ones who will be plotting revenge based on a perceived slight which will turn out to be THE DUMBEST misinterpretation because they have such a surface level understanding of interpersonal matters
Coverts/Malignants- I’m guessing those go that route more so than the other types.
My narcissist mother was incredibly shallow and had the most intense case of undue grandiosity that was pervasive to her last day at age 85. When she died, it was almost like my life finally began at age 65.
That is the question I have asked for years! Why are people, in general, so evil! What makes them like that? Look at all the people who have been through so much trauma and still come out better!? Those of us, willing to go on, move on! I cannot let it pass through my mind! Do people enjoy hurting other people, be it physical, mental, sexual, etc... Honestly, Dr., I just can't process it! Did those people enjoy being abused? Is that why they torment others? I just don't get it!!! Especially when they say it all starts in childhood!!! I know for me; I would never allow my son to be abused the way I was! My son, who I had, at age 17, and not married, gave me all the reason to go on and give to him what I thought I deserved! Not what I got! And that was a happy, healthy, safe, secure home! Filled with love not hate and abuse!
And for those reasons, I find it very difficult to process it!
He has a great video that explains your question just look for it or Google how does someone become a narcissist. It should pop up
It has to be that "I am going to get you, before you get me mentality" with these people. Very sad.
They are vampirers. That knowledge will help you. They have to be invited in. They will mask it; but it's there. Once you start watching for it, you will start seeing it.
@@JRDavis-hj4si I think you make a very good point about having to be invited in. I have found that the narc will offer a "gift" of some kind, something small that you don't need or want, which in their minds means you owe them. This applies to narcs you don't know such as a new neighbour and certainly to narcs you do know with their "gift" giving.
Congrats to you for realizing how your child should be treated as such a young mother! It warms my heart.
I have often wondered why people react in different ways to being abused in their childhoods. I was the scapegoat in the family in which I grew up and then I was the scapegoat on steroids from the family I married into!! I was so uninformed for so long. I am now 72 and as I look back with the insight I have now, I wonder how I survived!! (And there were times I barely did survive) But the upside of that I have found out, is that the scapegoated one in narcissist families usually turn out to be the best parents. I made mistakes as a mom because of so much crazy trauma but I always tried to build my children up, loved them, and got them out of the situation as much as possible and into scouting, sports activities, and church groups. (However, I would carefully screen who they were with !) My husband was the golden child in his narc family and he was selfish in every way trying to always stay the golden child. He would get mad if money was spent on new clothes for our children because they outgrew the old ones! Finding money for their Christmas presents was often a nightmare. He fully expected me to cover for his drinking and gambling and even blamed me. But I got counseling and read books and would do anything I could to learn to be a good and loving parent. I was often upset and made mistakes, but I learned that it was ok to tell the children I was so sorry! My husband would NEVER admit he made any mistakes.
I just realized that it takes two people to make a narcie feel complete. They need to dominate and that requires a me. However, I also realize that I have a lot to thank my narcie husband for because without him I would never have been sent down the path that brought me to here which led me to seek out even more knowledge.
I have learned so much about the different personalities and most important myself. My world has completely changed from the inside out. I feel real good about myself better then what I felt before, because I was able to see where my behaviors were similar to the narcie but I can see it and change it, they can not. it's making sense to me now.
I've also come to learn that these people are like spiders, there is always one close by. I went looking for the statistic of how many of these personality type exist in the world, and it's pretty much, every other person. What freaked me out was the concept that some who have been targeted may not even be aware of it! But everyone has someone close that is going through this, and everyone has and will go through this experience. So for some of us who feel like we are in this alone, we are so far from the truth of that. But the one thing that is for sure, is learn has much has you can and be prepared for the next one who will show up sooner or later because they need a me/you to feel complete, which means they are always on the look out. Things are always picture perfect until you have to start saying no.
The word "personality" is such a misnomer: it's their (skewed) neurology that has disabled numerous parts of their brain, such that they are the way they are.
Things are not always "perfect" until you have to say 'No.' Some of them show that they are "gone" before you have a chance to say No. Their behavior reveals them.
@@cacatr4495 So very true and so vary sad, I tried so hard to try to get along with the last one I met because she is my new neighbor. It was clear right from day two what I was dealing with, but because I have all this insight, I thought I could keep things pleasant at the very least, but no she became dependent on me too much, every night I got texts that started with "I need" or 'I want." never a hi how are things.
She presented has if; you help me out there will be a prize waiting just around the corner, but that corner is never ending. I had to start saying no and the minute I did that the mask didn't just fall off, she threw it to the floor!.
I'm not the only person who walked away from her here, I am the first and it's me she is going after. What I am thankful for though, is on account of all this insight I now have, I can predict what she will do and how she is thinking, sort of gives me an advantage. But on the other hand I sort of feel sorry for them because she truly has no clue that people can see her for who she really is all it takes is a little time. But I have also noticed that they are all the same in the thinking patterns. Every situation I read here I cant help but think they must know the same people as me lol. Because they all sound like something she would do.
@@happygoluckyh.t.d.4life.739
Yep, screwed up neurology tends to follow the same patterns. The effects of the conflict between 2 opposite formative hormones on the brain is known.
Spot on! But it's so scary I would just rather stay by myself! 🤯😪
@@msjannd4 Same I started a life of staying single for my safety about 15 years ago only interested in forming friendships now, so far so good meaning that the separation phase is easier to deal with when it's only outside my walls. I started taking note of the various people who approach me and for what reasons, well it isn't looking pretty at all. Spiders. LOL I'm considering building a thick brick 12 foot high dividing fence around my tiny lot. So always in your mind question those who just so happen come to you, before forming that connection.
It's not just a lack of insight. Most have absolutely zero self/situational awareness in general.
The ending to this video was so inspiring I watched it several times. Dr. Carter has a healing way with words I sincerely appreciate.
So did I. I agree with you 100%
Yes he does.
This was a Deep Dive into an important understanding of what the narcissist is and isn’t capable of. It’s so clear, painful and enlightening, all at the same time.
Thank you, Dr Carter ☀️.
This really turned a bulb on for me. Both my parents are narcs and they have the most dysfunctional theory of mind i've ever seen. They know other people have thoughts but are abysmal at guessing what that is or how it works. They believe the most absurd things about other people's thinking and motivation. Now i get where that comes from.
My narcissistic sister speaks in this very pompous and condescending tone. Now her son and daughter in law are doing the same.
Sadly u lay down with dogs u get fleas
You too huh?
It hurts so much. I’ve married to this same man for 27 years. I honestly didn’t know that it was abuse what he does to me. I knew I never felt secure. I always thought he was just convicted to his beliefs. I know now, he is incapable of change. We have a 15 year old daughter and I am planning my out. He has all best discarded us since I told him I was considering divorce. He is now financially abusing us. I just can’t anymore.
Having Humility is amazingly key to receiving insight . Also Loving The Truth, no matter how difficult…. Sadly without these Ingredients you will never have real peace, joy and self awareness. Seems like they are always fighting themselves!
Your comment is *exactly on point, that humility *is the key to receiving insight, and that loving the truth no matter the cost is the only way to live, that without these two ingredients one cannot know peace, joy, fulfillment, contentment, or proper perceptivity abilities. One's eyes can open to insights *if and only if they hold to humility and put the truth first in ALL things, ALL meaning all the way down to one's very core and all the way out to their fingertips, as in the identity they claim. The very first falsehood most people practice is the one their parents' required of them, imposed on them, that was done to them as an infant, that they generally learn about at age 12. That mixture that was imposed by their parents is the very cause of the corrupted neurology that causes narcissism and other anomalies. This is how greatly the Truth matters in all things. Where the Truth isn't honored, all else will fall, and fail.
@@cacatr4495 Re; when dealing with Truth in dark situations once long ago, my family met an attorney and although the true story my family told her regarding an unbelievably complex child custody case she said she would take the case: My mother said so you believe us? Her reply was amazing; the Attorney said; “when you Love The Truth, you get good at recognizing it!” Priceless and appreciated-those who do Love The Truth! Thank you Doctor for all you do, God Bless You and yours.
@@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723
Because of your last line, be aware that I am another commenter, not Doc C. That being said, "Priceless and appreciated (are) those who do Love the Truth," absolutely! 💙
This was a wonderful video. I just have one question: Why does our society have so many narcissists?
Think when our eyes our opened we see (vigilance) the entitlement people USE or try to in order to vie for position and tangible things in life. So not necessary and super annoying, thank you for your astute comment!
Good question!
The Age of Entitlement exacerbated by the falseness that is social media has created a breeding ground of artificial social proof and immediate gratification
Because the love of money is encouraged to replace the love of God and the love of your fellow living beings. And that sickness has crept all over the world now.
Narcissism is encouraged in every way from the psychopathical people in control of society, media, education, and tech...as in social media and these damn phones. Reason, logic, and independent thinking are discouraged, shouted down, and punished.
Insight applied can make unrelated things related. Sure, my use of trigonometric lessons have never been used in real life, but the skill of thinking through a problem to a solution has been used all my life since high school. It is the related skill that I learned from my math teacher.
With narcissists, applied insight can be dangerous because their patterns can be revealed as toxic, but they can maintain plausible deniability in their individual comments and actions.
Very interesting, thank you for sharing x
With the narc it's always 'Your problem is...' or they always get agitated with a problem. I had a teacher that took me aside once, because I looked troubled. I told her about a particular problem I had. She said 'Can you solve it?' and I shook my head. She said 'What's the point of having a problem that you can't solve. Therefore, you haven't got a problem!' She made me smile and I felt a sense of logic to this statement 🤔 Since then when a 'problem' arises. It's more a a solution that's waiting to be found 😊
I just started doing this this year with my narc family members. Just silently moving in silence. We haven't had an extended family outing all year. That inability to be open to new ideas and new perspectives and experiences is daunting. 🤦🏾♀️
there are so many people to gain supply from that its easier to just find another sucker than to look at oneself in a critical manner and make necessary changes. Why should they change when 2 feet away is another supply source? bottom line is that they never learned how to grow emotionally and they dont want to now. I'm glad I am not them. I would not want to be so achingly empty that I refused to learn something new every day. no matter how big or small. Every day I wouldnt want to be like them. I admit I have troubles but I am willing to grow. they do neither.
Amen doctor Amen. Although perhaps in varying degrees, narcissists are like criminals with the attitude of what I have his mine, and what you have is mine.
Luv this expression ❤️ the elevator never went all the way to the top 🤦♀️ Absolute truth 😉
NPD's cannot see past their self absorbed selves. It's amazing that it seems like company owner 's and hired hit people all live in the same c-suite boat. I am looking forward to a new world of self awareness of these type of people.
To have insight you have to have humility. To have humility you must have gratitude. Narcissists take everything and everybody for granted and all of it is to be used for whatever they want. They have zero gratitude for any blessings and meeting their immediate needs is what it’s all about. If they express gratitude it’s to get whatever they want. When the favor is over you’re forgotten about until they can use you again.
More and more...albeit ever so slowly, I am becoming a person of peace. Sometimes, I wonder if I am the only victim of a narc who let anger build up to the point that when I did start expressing it, I almost became addicted to wild outburst. (Only further hurting myself, of course) On some level I"knew" what the narcissist in my life were doing to me. Then the gaslighting led me to believe as the narc said, "You have an imagination to the point of being crazy!" So then I trusted again and doubled up my efforts at being kind.. It was like that for over 4 decades. When full realization of what happened, I was so hurt and angry. I grieved a life of being an easy scapegoat because of my emotions, becoming numb with depression and never living up to my potential. I am happy to report I am so much better but also being aware of how easy it would be to take up old roles. I am looking forward to taking more courses from Dr. Carter and learning all I can. It is not too late to live my best life.
Wow! You just put what I have experienced into perfect words. It is infuriating. I have learned just to be grateful that it is their sickness to deal with and not mine.
For a second I thought I had written your post myself. So many similarities in my case and experiences, particularly regarding the “what could have beens”. I have learned, however, that this was an educational experience which has finally led me to see myself, my life, my desires, my capabilities, my dreams and my own spirit clearly and completely and to now have a true relationship and trust with my Creator. But for this life lesson, I don’t think I would have developed my knowledge, understanding and trust for God and likely would have succumbed to the “master manipulation “ of my soon to be other half of 20+ yrs. Rage (especially at yourself) - for a short , controlled time- can be a way to clean (as in incinerate) the anger and regret from your heart and mind, - but it must never become your final destination. Learn to forgive and be at peace with yourself, and then decide to life your absolute best life! That, to me, is the best way to overcome the nightmare of a relationship with a narcissist and win!
I’m right there with you
I can't understand how someone can be so willing to throw dirt (true and untrue) at almost anyone at any given opportunity, and appear to thrive off it, yet one minor criticism towards them and its like they've been ultimately insulted in the most vicious way possible. It still isn't a mindframe that I'm willing to waste any of my time or energy with. Even a suggestion that something could've been done in a more effective way..... don't go there, not worth it.🤭
My ex narc was so much into himself … with these videos from Dr Carter tells me what he was all about and my ex narc has or done most all these things so much so that my one and only child has absolutely nothing to do with him. The only time my ex narc was pleased with my son is when he graduated from college. My ex narc said to my son “ I’m so proud of you”. My son looked at him and said “ WHY NOW”. My ex only said that to have bragging rights only.
My question is: why didn’t I see the manipulation and lack of insight in my ex husband before I married him? Are narcissists just good actors early on and then abandon all pretense at being open once they have hooked you in?
Yes, many of them are very good actors. I have seen a lot of narcs being "fun". Probably, this video explains it well when it says they are more focused on externals. So, they can easily engage you in conversation and talk about your interests in a way that you remember only the "good times" with them. But once married, responsibility and commitment to a larger ideal come into the picture. But they continue with what they were always doing, creating "good times", not realizing that building life can be a good time. They can see it as a chore.
So, responsibilities slide, commitments slide, life slides, but their enjoyment should not be impinged upon. Anyone asking them to take a look at where things are going is" spoiling" their enjoyment. And must be punished.
@@Anoosuya_321 Thanks. Makes sense.
Yes yes and yes. Get out safely, they get worse.
Yes, look up "love bombing". Once you're hooked (or trapped), there is no need for them to keep up the act.
It is the lack of simple logic that strikes me & frightens me at times. My mother wanted to to be liked & loved, she seemed to want my love but she was not prepared to be nice or reasonable. She would complain that I loved the cat more than her but the cat was not screaming angry tirades at me for minor failures in housework or repeatedly beating me unconscious. It would be nice to be able to reconnect the Narcissists disconnected logic module.
Another dangerous narcissist I came across, repeatedly complained that people talked about him but he was a terrible bully, who boasted of having weapons at home, threatened people, seemed to think it funny that he had been involved in an act of arson, bragged about having broken one young mans neck, talked about knowing how to hypnotize people & other odd things. If he wanted people to stop talking about him he could have just stopped all the bullying, threatening & boasting. Acting quiet & reasonable can get you a long way.
It seems to me that a scientific study into how to reconnect the narcissists logic module would be well worth doing.
The idea of the narc having a closed shop when it comes to new ideas is so right. Shutting out new ideas might be OK if you have a thorough grounding in all knowledge everywhere, but they don't. Lol. Noone has. I can't help but think my mother would have lived a much longer life if she had have embraced good nutrition and exercise practices, but she chose not to embrace anything about these things. She did whatever she wanted in life, and that included eating a lot of sugar and no exercise whatsoever. Even when I googled the disease she had, the first hit on the hitlist said even a small amount of exercise would keep the disease away.
So she was hoist on her own petard. Her narcissism killed her.
Number one, to avoid most diseases… Maintain a healthy weight!
Yeah, there were a handful of times when I mustered up the courage to 'call out' the ex-wife on some of her behaviors, words and ways of thinking. The response: anger at best, stonewalling as standard, and threats of suicide (veiled or direct) at worst. So I more or less learned never to risk that. Of course the divorce was 'all my fault', but it was really more about me breaking down after years of never being thought of as 'good enough'. Or as Dr. C would say, not fitting into her grooves. Lack of insight? Inability to see different perspectives? These things are not grounds for a real relationship.
Hello Dr. Carter,
Listening to this video in particular brings to mind of all things, the "iceman of NJ". A Psychopath hit man/killer. Also very possibly a narcissist. He has been known to have said, after he was arrested, about being consistently, ruthlessly bullied in his youth. And this routine "torture" triggered a mental shift in attitude. Whereby he decided rather than "receive" constant, relentless pummeling that he'd "give it" in turn, no mercy.
He twisted the context of the saying, "For it is better to give than to receive". He turned the tables on that saying to fit his agenda. Stepping into the dark side quite literally.
Too much shame probably. In that sense lack of insight could be protective…
It’s sad really
Agree. To have any personal insight you have to have a level of neurosis. Neurosis is TERRIFYING to someone with narcissistic traits. I used to find them interesting. I now find them just dull and boring.
Im 72...i attract narcs like chickens on a june bug...took me till about a decade ago to finally be alone and single and take time to self reflect on why i settled for crappy people in my life.....raised by a really throwed off incubator, blamed me for all her probs, so i tried for her love for years...had to go no contact at age 62.......but.....had i had this insight decades ago, my life wouldve been so much different...sadly, after being married 3x, rebounding from one love bomber to another, i never married for love ...so never felt loved or have loved any man...kids grandkids pets, yes 👍 👍 👍...so now im tired and dont have the energy to look for love, sooooo maybe next time...
When narcissists have low insight, it also means that they just won't understand why you would want to leave them after they've treated you so poorly. Even after they've discard you, treated you with such cold heartedness and abuse you, if you leave them, they'll immediately get angry and aggressive and will throw a tantrum. It's sad, but unfortunately, we can't do anything to change that.
This makes things so much more sensical. It really is an exercise in futility to hope to engage them at some positively reciprocal way.
I keep watching this video & I just can't understand how someone doesn't want or scared of someone else's difference. We all being something different to the table...that's a good thing. It's like have five things at the dinner table & who wants the same five dishes.
My narcissist is trying to connect with me again, as always happens this time of year.
And as always I'm expected to sweep our catastrophic disagreement, fight, under the rug.
This pattern has been on repeat for far too long. Abuse used to be followed by the sweeping, then the gifts. Buy me something as if that erases memory. Children remember, apparently better than adults do.
Here we are again. That time of year where my entire family gathers to tell me to get over it.
I'm not going to get over it.
"It" is over.
The sweeping, is this common? Is this gaslighting? I'm not sweeping anymore, I'm leaving the dirt out in the open for everyone to see.
Oh no no honey, I've been there, and I think most of this forum will say the same thing,....
WELCOME ABOARD, SIS!!!!😍👸🙏👍😎😁
This is a smart bunch in here! You're gonna be wise to the games real fast!
Do read our forum while Dr C makes sense of it all! Absolutely the right place to be!
Let me plug a book, "How to disagree without being disagreeable. Amazon kindle, right now!🌻
Yes, the sweeping is gaslighting. The gifts are hoovering.
Yes, look up "hoovering", like the old Hoover brand vacuum cleaner. A narcissist does this to ensure you are still available to provide narcissistic supply, even if the narcissist has recently discarded you, or if the relationship ended and the narcissist hasn't yet found a new source of narcissistic supply, or if a narcissist lost another supply and hopes you are waiting in the wings (standing by to take the narcissist back).
It’s called no accountability and it has been experienced by all of us who got involved with a narcissist. They Wait for things to cool off and then show up with no reference to what went down. It’s all supposed to be swept under the rug and your to move forward with no resolution. It is the worst of the worst for me too. I hop you can be strong enough to stay away. It won’t ever end if you don’t I’m sorry to say.
This was demonstrated to me recently when my husband did something I had to make a police report about ..shut off my internet and ripped up our wedding pictures and a picture of my son in his classroom. I overheard him tell one of his friends a few days later "In my opinion I did nothing wrong". Incredible.
I'm married to a covert narcissist. Since finding Dr. C I understand what's been happening all these years. I'm so disgusted with his behavior towards me and our children that I've stopped talking to him and avoid being around him. He has noticed the change and has been trying to be nice and friendly. He hasn't ask why my behavior has changed towards him. Is this a hoover or does he think I'll "get over it?"
He doesn't want to ask because he's not sure what you have "figured out". 🙄
It's really hard when the narcissist is a parent and starts lecturing me about acting "immature" when I act the parent(the responsible one). He can't stand it!
I call him on it!
This is so insightful- I am a carer for my elderly narcissist mother-and on a healing journey. We are all on a journey in life, I am very wary of those who think that is an alien concept. My mother has always had the opinion that she is "not broke so why fix", and scoffed at my efforts to move towards a greater joy and understanding of self. Yet narcissists are brittle, perhaps see themselves as steadfast and solid but live in a cage of glass- of their own making. Those of us made of wooden planks, strong but wobbly, always happy to repair, renovate, support others may seem lowly to the narcissist, but home of strength.
Working with a person in a faith based organization who is in a head positions ..made me wonder & your video gave me a important clue.. they seem to not have transcended thinking or a lager picture. .they had me fooled for many years with their false self.& pious veneer also rigid thinking. & very in flexible. It's really all about them & keeping the status que so they can benefit even if it does not benefit the clients in which they claim to serve...
I'm "home"; but the narcissist doesn't get it. I don't have to prove my point to the narcissist. I don't have to defend myself to him. I refuse to apologize for saying "no"!
They sure hate that word "no!" Not much change since they were three years old.
I never thought of the abuser as having low insight. It is true.
I could never understand how someone so smart, could also miss the whole point.
Many times, as I stood there, and standing there was used as a weapon. Try standing in one spot for five minutes. Then imagine it's a half hour.
I was surprised at the viciousness of the abuser, but maybe he had no insight.
That explains a lot. Still the unjust treatment would continue.
That's part of the problem.
In most of my life, I have been treated as a criminal. Or I get put in with the other soldiers that my dad guarded. He was a guard in WW2. He knew how to 'soften' me up.
Long times standing was one of the tools. Sometimes he made me take off all my clothes. Don't worry, even though this sounds tough, he has passed on, so I am physically safe. I am making good progress on repairing the damage he caused.
I think of my narc as an askhole. Ask and have a two plus hour “conversation” and promptly ignore the input. Oh boy oh boy the no one home, blah, eyes just glass right over. Thankfully I stopped playing that game. These videos are really helpful to regaining sanity. Much thanks from me to you Doc.
So glad I found your channel. I an struggling deeply with my family with this sadly
Unfortunately you are far far from alone
@@MJ-qb5ph I'm very impressed how easily you are explaining exactly what is going on. I just wish my husband and daughter would acknowledge its not all me
You've helped me over the last couple of years to finally disengage from my ex, to the point that I no longer wonder what he's plotting when he hasn't contacted me for a while. Life is full and busy and beautiful, and it's fine that he is not a part of ot. I hope his silence indicates that he's doing well, though experience suggests the opposite. And I'm fine with that, thanks to the skills Dr C has helped me obtain.
You've come a long way, Wendy. So pleased to be on the path with you.
Pride they had, feeling god of him/her self. Underestimating others they felt they are superior than others, only to find later, it is not. They are cruel of themselves.
My covert narc bf insists that he is so self aware and knows when things are his fault. Yet here I am, laying in bed and being punished with silence bc I'm upset with the way I've been treated. It's no coincidence that my birthday is next week. I can't do this anymore, but rent is so expensive where I live and I can't let go of the potential.
Interestingly, most narcissists online who have social media channels have admitted to being diagnosed also as schizophrenic. Their behavior is very disorganized-schizophrenia-like.
Perhaps it’s because they are completely empty inside. If they try to look inward (assuming they can even do that), they see nothing and so gain nothing from the attempt.
To view themselves insightfully they would have to be honest with and about themselves, and they will not do that.
Such irony,! Always trying to be on top, will eventually put them at the bottom, their attitude of
NOT being accountable for anything, never wrong, can't take any kind of input, an adult with a childlike mind.
I stand with Team Healthy! Thanks as always Dr C!
Thanks, Andrew!
Hi Dr.C and Team Healthy ❤ I may not make the chat today as my granddaughter is coming round for just a wee while. Will watch later. Love to all.
Love received. And returned. Enjoy granddaughter time.
Received.. Enjoy your saturday dear!❤🙏
@@aaronkwolfe Thank-you. See you tomorrow 🙏
@@anniebrowning7354 Thank-you. See you tomorrow 🙏
They never live off what they make, that’s how you tell, pure gold diggers.
Thanks.
Reminds me of one of the most recent conversations I had. I was very clear with my words to not let any room for interpretation. Of course I got a "watch how you are treating me, I always talk to you respecfully".
I didn't tell them that ignoring my boundaries definitely is not respecting anything, let alone conversation
Unbelievable revelations for me. This video answers all the questions I have had about my loved one. I just wondered and wondered for so long. And it is so very sad.
My uncle told me that my mother and her three sisters had a way of not being able to remember a correction of fact, once they had an idea in their heads. For instance, my mother found a house for us to rent in another town and told me that it didn't have curtains, which are a fixture in New Zealand. I was surprised, on arrival, to find new curtains throughout. The landlady said she had corrected my mother's mistaken idea a few times, but she still went back to her first thought. She had viewed the house without curtains while they were being made up. The four sisters had intelligence enough to have degrees and careers.
It's like dealing with an angry five year old. At times no common sense. Delusional!!
One thing is for sure - the older your narc person in your life becomes - the less interested & tolerate folks become around them. Therefore if they don’t want to be completely alone in the end - they need to make some serious changes in their life. Most won’t. I wonder if this really makes a difference in their life or not or if they even care ?
A perfect example of "Low Insight" is my Narc Husband getting a call from his mistress while he was standing in my house, that I make the mortgage payments for & had a conversation with her (while I could hear her voice on his cell phone).
Starting at 11:05, it was so funny I could no longer suppress laughter "... there is no one home when you start talking with me that way" 😂
Really, how sad it is that narcissist does not even want to consider ideas or suggestions coming from other people.
32 years of marriage....I cant take it anymore, I have asked endless times to simply consider why I am bringing up certain items, like affection, intimacy etc are things I shouldnt have to beg for only to be reminded of the argument of 1997 of why I am in the penalty box...endless reasons to justify withholding any and all affection....and of course I am not a saint..but when the dog gets more affection in a day than I do in a month...and finally snap...thats more time added to my punishment....I am cooked and deserve more. Nice video..I am not crazy...
One of the things that confused me the most amd kept me in the cycle longer was that the covert narcissist or perhaps borderline had such insight to their behavior. I would get long, beautifully written letters noting the root of their behavior from childhood, where it came from, how he was perpetuating it onto me. How sorry he was. I would take him back with him taking steps to get into therapy but the emotional amd verbal abusive behavior continued. It makes me wonder If he was a narcissist at all since the insight was there. I suppose he has learned to use that as manipulation as well? So sad and hurtful
My sister was diagnosed with Borderline, and I've found that she learned a lot of those "childhood traumas" mantras precisedly from getting counseling! And, when once learned, they became her convenient excuses to justify her awful treatment of me and other people. It's a mentality of, "I am / was a victim. Poor me. So you're just going to have to accept my cruel behaviors." And that last attitude is the very evidence of their narcissism. It's all about them, forever and ever!
@@susansheldon2707 My narc sister used the mantra "family" as her justification to behave any way she wanted and I had to put up with it. She had gathered flying monkeys to support this. No contact has been a chance to escape the constant gaslighting and her entitled expectations. The peace is wonderful and I will never go back..
Narcissistic behavioral styles will do whatever works to keep what they want or discard what they don't want. Narcissists are as intelligent as everyone else, but they have honed very well the skills of manipulating others as well as selecting people who offer the least resistance, the most benefit of the doubt, and/or the least to hold them accountable for abusive behaviors.
I dk but older books started talking about abuse and the hearts/flowers.. then abuse to remorse and hearts/flowers in a perperual cycle.
How is it u have never met the narcissist in my life and yet u can explain them better than I ever could and their my family????
My narc sib is always restless, chasing after the next thrill. She makes me tired. I think she is like that because she doesnt have a lot going on internally.
My person vanished for 4 days when my best friend was found deceased..texted the sad news and heard zip for days.
After watching this man and Dr Ross Rosenberg , I wouldn’t place my life on no other you tubers .. Thank you sir , every one out there assumes they’re teachers and preachers of narcissistic teachings .. Many are just want to be narcissistic themselves posting their false channels..
Another good one:Dr Ramani.
Awesome video Dr C! Is narcissistic behavior a result of poor parenting, bad friends growing up, learned behavior from the narcissist’s self centered Parents/relatives, or ALL of the above? In any case, after all my years of experience, I feel like there’s no hope for narcissistic people. They cannot change because they will never open themselves up to criticism…….oh, and they also think they’re perfect in EVERY WAY.
Hi to Gus!
Hi Judy. Check out the video, Is Narcissism A Learned Pattern? It should provide clarity.
Gosh when I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone with trying to have an adult conversation with my narcissistic husband.. feeling like I have no light at the end of this dark tunnel, knowing I’ll never be able to have a equal partner in life … I come to your channel to validation that there is a normal out there somewhere. Thank you you totally NAILED a narcissist with this video.
@ Jus Luv Music So true! I asked my narc to try to put himself in my shoes to better understand my current situation. He laughed and shook his head no. I gather that is the lack of ability to go deep.
Wow you must have spent time counciling my ex narcissist that (one) time he went to say that he went..sounds just like him. You're good at knowing these dummies
Don't know how you manage to put this into words--it is a very accurate description of their dynamic. I beat my brains out for years trying to connect before finally giving up. One can be too persistant!
Thank You so much 🐶🩺💕🐶🩺💕
The wicked may be cunning, demanding and loud, but they reject the principles of Life. If one speaks about Precepts or Principles, they reject those as "philosophy" or "religious." They figure that they can dig a pit or lay a snare for others and not fall into it, but they will. They don't understand that the principles of Life are universal, immutable laws of Life to which all men are subject. Like children, they think they can get around those principles, that they can escape their own destructive nature, and they can't. This is what makes them self-terminating. Whichever way they think they can sidestep the pit/snare/trap they've made for others, they *will fall into it by their own hand/foot. The very nature of destroyers is to destroy, and the chief thing they destroy is themselves. The principles of Life that cannot be escaped can be known ahead of time, which means these precepts can be taught to children (*pre= before/prior) to know (*cept= to know >> to know ahead of time), rather than the child having to learn the hard way. Narcissists refuse to acknowledge the principles of Life, truth and wisdom. They focus on cunning, power, force. They disregard the universal, immutable principles of Life, and as such will be caught in the snare of their own making. They don't see beyond their egos: this makes them dumb, they are not perceptive, they don't see truth/Reality, this is why their elevator doesn't go but halfway. One can have an IQ of 220 and still be unwise, still rejecting truth and wisdom. A child with an IQ of 80 can know truth and wisdom, can know the immutable principles of Life to which all men are subject.
One of my sayings to the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist that I know is "you never think further than the nose on your face"...no insight whatsoever.
Let us be people of peace. Thank you dr Carter.
Lady Crow said what I think. Thankyou Dr. Carter. 😘🙏🐒
You can't reason with a narcissist. I gave my ex my old Samsung 3 and set up new phone service. I was at work when she called and said the GSM chip had come in the mail. I told her, since she told me she never had a phone that she could open to change a chip or battery, to follow the instructions or wait until I got home. I get home and she complained there was something wrong with the chip and didn't have service. I opened the phone. She had removed the extended memory chip and had punched out the GSM for micro size and jammed it into the memory slot. She also ruined the standard size punch out on the card and threw it in the trash. I asked her why she didn't wait until I got home if didn't know what to do? "Because it was so simple!" Well, if it was so simple then why did you f*ck it up so badly? I could not get her to admit she didn't know what she was doing and refused to acknowledge that she did it wrong, i.e. "I followed the directions!" The chip goes here! Didn't you notice the size and shape is like the new chip? "It was too small to go there!" Of course, it was after you punched it out for the smallest of the two sizes! Around and around in circles of ridiculous illogical reasoning on her part. I was thinking "Man! What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
Well, I was a lonely man and the love bombing and flattering praise got her through the door, but what she didn't bargain for was that I was a strong willed and self-reliant man who didn't take kindly to someone without the credibility of owning two houses, a new car, self-employed with 2 businesses, good credit, and a bank account, like myself, and tell me how to run things when you lied that you would have a job and "hit the ground running" when you got here only to arrive, as my mom would put it, "Piss pot poor and bare assed!" Oh yeah, and she suddenly developed a hip problem making it hard for her to walk as a further reason not to get a job. Yeah right! I also had an '87 Nissan Stanza in good running condition, but it had been sitting awhile. I told her I would get it serviced and she could drive it to job hunt. "I ain't driving that!" Oh really? Wow! Fine! Then I guess you're gonna be riding the bus! She did neither, but I digress!
I managed to remove the chip without damaging it with needle nose pliers and straighten out the ruined punchout from the card and reassemble the GSM with krazy glue, insert it properly, replace the ext mem chip, and the phone switched to the new network immediately. This was minor in comparison to other incidents and was only the beginning of many incidents that swiftly brought our 6 mos. relationship to an end.
I have about 4 narcissistic bullies (including my manager) bullying me at work at the moment. One of them is a man bullying me for my faith belief, you wouldn't believe the version of him before finding out about my religion was the same person as after. Along with this there are 2 other coworkers joining in plus the manager. It is overwhelming but I'm choosing team healthy. Please pray for me AND them considering it must be absolute torture for them having to live with that level of emotional maturity all their lives.
I'm praying for you!
@@sharoncarroll9657 thank you, Sharon. Much appreciated 🥰🙏
Been there. You got my prayers for sure. They are just stupid.
It's late evening, and I hurt. I hurt so much.