Sperm bank baby here! Can confirm that it is very important for me to make a distinction between "donor" and "father" as the child involved. My father raised me; the only thing I want to do with my donor is buy him a beer as thanks for doing something really, really nice for my family. 👍 They are profoundly NOT interchangeable words to me.
It's also very important for people whose bio dad's or mom's just never were really involved in their life or those who were given up for adoption. My nephew doesn't know his bio dad besides from pictures. He is 20 and the only dad he has is my sisters husband who has been in his life pretty much since birth. We call him his father and he calls him that too. The other person is just his bio dad or whatever other creative names my nephew likes to use occasionally. My oldest cousin is adopted, his only parents are my aunt and uncle. That's how he sees it and that's therefore how I see it as well. I know that's something very personal so I usually just go by what the person uses themselves.
Thanks for sharing your experience of this. I'm a solo parent and biological mum to a "donor baby" and so far, I maintain that he doesn't have a father. Yes there is a person who contributed DNA but that person has never met kiddo or had any interest of being a parent to him or anyone else. This is, apparently, very abstract for some people. I wish there were separate words for "parent i.e adult who cares for you and helps you while you grow up" and "parent i.e biological progenitor/DNA donor".
A term I’ve heard a teacher use with her young students- “Raisins” 😂 Hilarious, light, inclusive term. Instead of discussing Dads and Mums when referring to adult carers in the home, she asks “Who are your Raisins?” Who is RAISING you? Inclusive and non-judgemental and allows the family to define themselves and their roles. Grandparents, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, Fosters, Single parents, couples… makes zero assumptions. Perhaps a more formal, new adjectives and nouns will evolve soon. @@narnigrin
Really? I was honestly concerned that they are so strick about saying "donor" over "father." I know many adopted children, and I've heard a handful of donor babies voice this too, have a huge lack of self not knowing about their biological family. My cousin, despite her biological parents being HORRIFIC to her and she does very much hate that they treated her so poorly, still sometimes refers to her biological family - not her bio parents though because they were horribly abusive I assume - by the titles they would be: Grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, etc. She also tend to refer to us as family, if she likes the individual. She HATES when I say, "We're French..." because biologically she isn't even though she was raised in French-Canadian culture. My great-grandpa was likely adopted and I definitely wonder about that part of my family. If I had a donor child I would use the term "father." A father doesn't have to be a dad though. To me, a father is biology and can also be a job. A dad, to me, is just the job. I'd be afraid that my child would feel like they can't talk about being a donor child nor ask where they came from. Everyone is different though. I'm glad to hear that avoiding the term "father" is actually better for some donor-born people. I don't have any desire to have biological children; I want desperately to adopt. I guess I just assumed that most donor babies would have similar struggles with identity and abandonment that most adoptees have.
I'm a father who needed a sperm donor due to infertility. Relatable. They said they COULD do exploratory surgery... I declined immediately. I don't care that much about my DNA. I care about my kids.
I have two moms and people still disrespect my non-birth mother’s position constantly. And I’m 20 years old. It infuriates me but I love her a lot, and I try not to bristle when people refer to my donor as my father. It doesn’t matter what others think ultimately - she is my mom and she’s a part of me, she always will be.
I love that you put it as her being a part of you. ❤ It baffles me that people can’t see that someone can be a pillar in a child’s life without being biologically related to them. We’re godparents for our best friends’ little one, and I swear I love that child with every fiber of my being. I like to think that it won’t matter as he gets older that we’re not blood, because all he’s going to feel is the love we’ve been showering him with for his entire life. Bc honestly that’s what we tend to remember anyway about our childhoods-not who was or wasn’t in our DNA, but how people made us feel. I’m so happy you have the love from your mom to cherish always. ❤
Thank you for this Message. I am a soon to be Non Bio Mum who is very nervous for my unborn son, but your resilience and emotional intelligence has been super reassuring.
It actually hadn't occurred to me until now that the person in a lesbian relationship carrying the child in a pregnancy didn't necessarily need to also be the provider of the egg as well. Neat!
Only semi related but there was a TV show in my country last year I think about three women who decided to become mothers together! One put the egg, one the womb and one (a trans woman) the sperm and they all raised the child together. I never managed to catch it but the dynamic seemed very interesting
@@PrincessLioness there was a first one called Pequeña Victoria (little victory) where the was a fourth mum that helped with the raising of the baby and a spin off called Pequeñas Victorias that starts when the little girl starts primary school
I don't have kids, but I understand some of the "hey, I am important too" sort of situations. I was present for a great friend of mine's first child's birth, which was amazing and scary and beautiful! After she had him, and I spent some time with her to make sure she was okay, and wait on her hand and foot (which is almost literally, because I was holding her right leg when she finally gave birth), I went out to the waiting room where a lot of other family was waiting. I said "I'm heading out now. They are moving her to a regular room (instead of the delivery room) and the new room number is XX and you all should be able to go in soon" and my friend's youngest sister in law said "you mean HIM???" (referring to the little boy she just gave birth to), and I said "Well, he's being moved too, but I was referring to *name of friend that just gave birth*". That obviously really stuck with me. I was there for my friend. Yes, the little bundle of joy was an added benefit, but right after he was born, and had skin on skin time, they took him to the other side of the room to be examined, and the rest of the family that was in the room all went over to the baby. I stayed by my friend's side. I knew I'd have time to be with him, but right in that moment, SHE needed me. She noticed that too, and she still talks about that, to this day. He will be 13 later this year
I noticed that when my sister gave birth too. My family was asking about the baby nonstop but didn't ask about her and how she was doing... I made sure to be the sister to always ask about her health and wellbeing, cuz moms should always be part of this equation! (Tho to add to Jessica's point, no one asked about how the father was either. As far as I noticed.)
She's lucky to have a friend like you. I have a friend like that (I told the hospital she was my sister & put her on my HIPAA release so she could be included in everything) and we call her "Auntie Her Name". I delivered at 33 weeks by emergency c-section & Auntie X she was there only a few hours later. She flew thousands of miles with no notice. I didn't get to hold my son at all when he was born. He went straight to the NICU & I was incredibly sick with preeclampsia so I couldn't see him for two days. She video chatted from the NICU those first two days & slept on a cot in my hospital room for a week. She even ended up moving in with us & helping us with the baby for the first two years of his life. It was a very traumatic birth (& post partum) experience, and I'm forever grateful for her.
@@reeba4824 I think it should be in order of who is most concern. Baby first, because babies are the most likely to possibly not be ok, and also they're new to the world and therefore very exciting, then the person who gave birth, as they could potentially also not be ok, although they're at less risk than the baby, and then anyone else who was involved, like a second parent or birthing partner, because they shouldn't have been in any real danger, but it's important to check if they're doing well emotionally.
It's wild to me that people would even say something like "Claudia had a baby" when cis straight couples use the phrase "we had a baby" all the time (or even sometimes "we (as as couple) are pregnant") and literally no one bats an eye. Of course you should both be congratulated! So happy to see some non-biological lesbian mother representation, loved the video!
I have some straight friends who talk about how how much they hate the term “we are having a baby” but sometimes babies really are a team effort? Like even if only one person is carrying the baby, the decision to conceive and the timing and planning in queer families can often be a joint decision so it really is a “we” not just an “I’m pregnant”. It’s very context dependent.
@@anastaciamenemenils8508 I think "we are having a baby" is all encompassing of any couple that is going to have a baby (via IVF, adoption etc). However, as a woman who has a one year old, I have to say that "we are pregnant" is a bit of a pet peeve haha.
Personally, I think we're having / have had a baby is fine, but we're pregnant (unless both parties are actually pregnant) is a bit of an odd phrase. There are definitely different experiences between being pregnant vs supporting a pregnant partner, but after that as Jessica said it's mostly just parenting.
So sorry some of you are having audio problems with the video, we are trying to find the cause it at the moment. The video seems to have sound on some devices but not others (for instance Apple laptop, iPhone and Google Pixel phones all seem fine, but Samsung phones and potentially others are not playing sound in some shots!) 🤔
42 year old daughter of lesbians. The sheer number of times I've had to correct my family medical history because, "Wait, no, that's my **other** mom. (Biological) Mom had x, Mama had y. I accidentally put down y. Please take that off. I forgot we're not biologically related." I've been asked which one's the 'dad'. I've been asked what we do for father's day. (People get mad when I say that until my brother had kids we treated it like a second mother's day.) Rupert absolutely does not care about biology, I assure you. Also-the 'Go Ask Your Mother' glitch is real. It is frustrating, annoying, hilarious, and absolutely going happen at least once in his life. He'll hate it when it happens but by the time he's my age it'll be a hilarious memory of running back and forth between the two of you until one/both of you realizes what's happening.
The conversation with a new doctor is always an interesting one. Dr: Do you have kids? Mother: Yes, I have 4. Dr: *notes P=4 on chart* How many pregnancies? Mother: Zero, all adopted. Dr: *scribbles out 4 and changes to 0* I guarantee every one of my charts has a scribble and correction.
My sleepy-ass read this title and was utterly confused how you weren’t a bio mother, because you seemed pretty aware of the environment and climate change 😅
Also as the non-birth parent, you should find out the laws where you live. You may not legally be considered a parent. If you aren’t, I advise meeting with a lawyer to put in place as much protection as you can. (In Jessica’s case, she is legally a parent, but that isn’t always the case.)
That's true. I live in Poland where children of two moms are being denied citizenship as polish administration workers don't know how to transcribe birth certificates as there are only mother and father fields in polish forms.
@@JankoWalski-hz3lu i remember hearing about some really disheartening anti-Lgbt+ stuff happening in Poland a while back, what’s the general climate like there now?
When I was one, my parents (biological) adopted an older brother for me who was three. That’s what they told me, that they were adopting an older brother for me! We’re in our 50s now and are both loved equally by our parents, and that is all that matters!
Because of the way they put it, I always thought he was chosen especially for me! And I was pretty old before I caught on that people usually got younger brothers and sisters!
You seem like an ideal mother, Jessica. I’m so sorry that you went through a spell of worrying that Rupert wouldn’t love you as much as he does Claudia. He’s a very lucky little fellow to have you two devoted mummies. 🎀💖🎀
I love this. As a step mom it can be hard because I dont get taken seriously because Im not the bio mom. Ive even been told multiple times that because I havent been pregant and given birth then Im not a mom and I wont know what a mom is like till I have a kid. Im sterile and like you have significant health issues that pregancy is a no go for me. I look forward to part two. Thank you again for this video. I shared it on facebook so others can see this.
I feel like the situation is different with step parents, especially when both of the actual parents are involved in the child’s life, than Jessica’s situation. Ultimately she is Ruperts mom, and as such has full responsibility as well as the final say when it comes to how to raise him, that step parents just don’t have. That isn’t to say that step parents can’t have a good relationship with their step kids.
@@PrincessLioness step parents are as good as bio parents *especially* as they literally chose to be in the kids life (as long as they treat the kid as their own that is. My brother’s step-mum is amazing, my dad kicked him out the house) and saying they don’t even count in making *decisions* about the kid’s life is harmful and hurtful and I suggest you fucking stop. Especially don’t say that to a stepmother who’s sharing her story about how people invalidate how she’s a mother just cuz she didn’t give birth.
@@emeraldlily673 It’s not about giving birth, that’s not what I was saying, why don’t you fucking stop putting words in my mouth, non bio or not, if you’re who they mom or dad, you’re their parent. I don’t know her situation, and every step parent situation is different. Not every step parent wants to be a parent and not every kid wants a step parent. I for one happen to have a lot of negative experiences with step parents. No they are not always as good as parents (bio or not). I never said they shouldn’t make decisions on the child, but when all chips are down, the parents will get the final say because they’re the ones who decided to bring that child into their situation and they’re on the birth certificate.
@@PrincessLioness Sure it’s probably a little different, but this step mom is sharing how she relates to Jessica’s experience. Without knowing their situation, it’s not fair to invalidate. If you are there for the child day after day, you’re a parent even if you didn’t give birth.
Hi! Kid of a complicated family here. Just wanna say that it means a lot to me to see that you care about your (step) children and that I'm sorry that people treat you like you're a sort of stranger to them. My step-mom didn't like me (much less love me) so it's nice to see that your kids are being taken care of and that you want to be their mom, even though you're not biologically related. It truly warms my heart to see this (I teared up when I read your message). Thank you :) I hope people start treating you well soon!
Love this! Signed, another lesbian parent to a one year old son who's not biologically related and whose wife is & gave birth. (Oh, and someone for whom gestation also happened to be a physiological impossibility. Never realized how much overlap there was until I started typing that! Wow.)
All non-biological mothers are still 100% mothers. You are a great parent, Jessica! I can tell from your videos and pictures with Rupert. He's very lucky to have you and Claudia as mothers. ❤
This is so important to many families. We are cis and adopted. So many people make crazy comments about parents, biological parents, or my favorite "real parents ". People are rude. You are both amazing parents
A few months after my wife and I had our first child someone asked us which one of us was “the real” mother. We have also been asked how she got pregnant and why I wasn’t pregnant? All of these questions by virtual strangers. We never knew what to say and those questions really really affected me. Now that our first is five and our second is one we have figured out how to shut down those inappropriate questions, but man people can be so inappropriate.
Jessica, at least at the moment, for scenes where you're in green the sound gets VERY soft and we can't hear you. Just wanted to flag, very excited for this video! Thank you so much for all you do
Yeah the switching back and forth is difficult to manage on a sensory level. But it’s a topic I’m very familiar with, as the “non bio” mom to a now 25 year old who my ex wife gave birth to and a now 19 year old adopted through domestic adoption.
i am also a product of ivf! nearly 30 years before rupert lol. in the early 2000s it was so fun pretending that my existence is the result of sci fi magic. i doubt the technology still holds the same fascination for Kids These Days, but i still hope he'll enjoy all of the "do you have a bellybutton?" questions as much as i did!
I find it hilarious how IVF and c-section babies can both relate on the whole "not conceived/born the traditional way" thing. I used to love telling kids in my class that I popped out of my mom's stomach like a xenomorph lol
I'm a cis single woman trying to explore my options for starting a family and although the sexuality side of your story doesn't apply to me, I just want to reach out to you to say thankyou for this.
My friend just did this. She hasn’t had a partner since her divorce but wanted a child. She had some infertility issues, but successfully had a baby last year. That kid is so loved, but I hate all the people who thought she was cheating the kid by pursuing parenthood absent of an active father.
@@TheDawnofVanlife omg I had no idea you were still making UA-cam videos. I remember coming across your channel several years ago when you were still in your minivan. Hopefully you’re doing well.
That’s going to be my situation. I’m torn between adoption and using a sperm bank as a single woman. It seems so much more difficult to adopt as a single parent than to just pick a donor. I’m still in the process of figuring out what I want but I’m glad I’m not alone in this
Of course you’re not a Dad, but I wonder if there’s a space for non-birthing parents following their partner giving birth. I’ve definitely heard Dads who have birthing partners express some of these same feelings and feeling that they needed to shuffle aside anything they went through because their partner, you know, grew and delivered an entire human.
I know . A friend of my really really was looking forward to raising his kids. And he found it difficult to find a job they would consider him a perent . He has to pretend he doesn't actely have kids thet he's loosing sleep over and thet is crazy
Oh for sure! As Jessica was speaking, I was thinking about my own feelings around my future (not cis) fatherhood, at this first period of it at least. Birthing person cares for the baby, partner cares about birthing parent before and after birth. And I think that's all important and fair. However, the other partner must be cared for as well, and I can very clearly see how, in a similar situation I wouldn't seek support knowing my partner already has a ton on their back. What Jessica said was extremely soothing to my general anxiety tho! (Also the fact that my partner said they might not want to carry- so the situation will probs be different)
Hi Jessica, you might be interested in the baby book ‘My amazing family and me’ My cousin helped create it as she had two mums growing up and them all the baby books were heteronormative and assumed someone carried the baby. Great for adopted and kids with two mums / dads x
@@jessicaoutofthecloset oh wow i actually cried after seeing you reply;;; you, your family and your channel genuinely mean the world to me thank you for everything
As someone who worries about how Imll physically do as a parent with chronic illness, this is so encouraging. Appreciate your realism and honesty on the highs and lows of parenting! And what makes a family ❤️
As the non bio mom in a poly family yes to all of this. I suffered with post partum depression and felt so isolated bc no one other than my partners understood.
This video could not have come at a better time. My wife and I have just had a failed round of reciprocal IVF (my wife donating, me carrying), and we've been discussing whether to use my eggs instead on the next round. I think this video will be a great comfort to my wife as she grapples with the idea of potentially being the 'other mother'. Thank you so much ❤️
We had a baby in August, biologically related to and birthed by me, and this video was really good for my wife and me to see! Thanks for addressing the struggles and joys of the non-bio mom. Would love to hear Claudia’s perspective as well! 💞
Planning for a baby with one of my partners and it’s been a challenge trying to navigate the legal stuff because we’re not married, so for a same sex couple, that can be a minefield regarding parenting rights and who is legally considered a parent. Especially in the US where the whole legal mess is completely different depending on what state you live in. 🤦🏻♀️ I definitely recommend anyone in this situation in the USA getting with an attorney ahead of time who can help you figure out what your rights are in your state and what you can do to ensure both/all parents have rights to parent the child. ❤️
I think this Information is honestly important for all parents. A lot of times people completely ignore the father in what they consider a traditional relationship since the dad didn’t carry the baby. And I know a lot of people in my fertility groups who the fathers weren’t biologically related to the children Due to them needing donors. Or families that you surrogacy. I hope that eventually society can catch one that we need to be more understanding of all family dynamics because like you said having a child in your life changes your life for everyone involved not just someone who gave birth
Okay, I don’t have a baby and not even planning to get one, but I’m crying after this video… The thing you said about our chosen families and communities is so important and heart-warming 💕 Thank you!
Yes and yes. Thank you for the acknowledgement of the pressure LGBTQ families feel to show only positivity so as not to invite criticism of the group. That policing and self policing is powerful.
Jessica- I am so impressed by your eloquence. You give articulate, compassionate voice to a topic that is very complex. Well done just calling out how HARD it is to validate, process, and work through feelings during a physically and emotionally challenging life upheaval - while fending off ignorance and rudeness from others. Rupert is truly lucky to have you! Best wishes
I mean in a heterosexual relationship the father also didn't have the baby himself so I think the phrase "We had a baby" is just as right for your case as it is there. It's your child, both of you are the parents but thankfully only one had to be pregnant and give birth in some way.
The difference there is that the father is (often, unless a donor is used) is still biologically related to the child. Jessica is not, so thats where her concerns came from
@@kiarimarie I think people are annoyed when people say “we are pregnant” when only one parent is pregnant. Saying “we had a baby” is not the same thing bc they’re parents and its true that they’re raising a baby together.
Your mothering qualities are truly inspirational. You can tell that many parents (even parent vloggers, even parents who are nice people)kinda see their children as props or accessories. You are a true MOTHER and that is so so much more meaningful and will be just as if not more significant for Rupert in his life than who carried him or shares his DNA. You are truly an inspiration!
YES! Please check on the non-birthing parents too! Check on all the family members when a new member enters in any way. I'm in a cis-het marriage and we have a six month old. Since I was pregnant, my mother-in-law has only asked her son how I am doing or how the baby is. She hasn't asked how he is doing in over a year and it really hurts his feelings and makes him feel unimportant.
I was adopted when I was 1 year old, so i’ve always known that family is much more about love than it is about sharing DNA. It just has always been my reality and world, so I’m kinda surprised if sometimes people find that view on family surprisingly new and ‘wow I hadn’t thought of that but it’s so true’. Indeed same goes for chosen family within the LGBTQ+ community. Great video!
I love this, it’s such a testament that no matter how your family starts, whether there are two dads two moms or one of each, it’s all the same. Children just want love, and they will develop a unique relationship with each parent, who will be the only one that can meet that unique need. My children are all grown now, we had a playful relationship at times and I giggle at imagining if I could have played the game of “go ask your mother” 😂❤
As a nursery nurse part of my job is role modelling appropriate play skills and encouraging children's independence. Watching you engage with your son brings me so much joy! X
I'm in a very similar position to you as I have eds and I have other conditions too which mean I most likely won't be able to carry a fetus to term, and even if I managed to it would most likely leave me unable to walk. I'm bi and after telling a man I was dating I couldn't have children, he asked me "why are you even dating men then if you can't have a baby?"... And that really hurt. I've never been 100% or even 50% sure I want a baby, and finding out I can't was surprisingly a big relief. I've started dating a woman and was talking to my sister about children and I found myself being actually positive about the idea of having a child that wasn't genetically related or carried by me at all. I think it's the only time I've actually liked the idea of having a child at all. My sister laughed and told me when I was younger I would say "I don't want to be a mum, I want to be a dad" (I am cis fem). We're not at the stage where I would talk to the woman I'm dating about children yet, but seeing your videos about motherhood has really helped me to be ok thinking about it and seeing it as a positive possibility.
Thank you so much for this series Jessica. I'm a queer woman, but my nonbiological motherhood journey has been a little different circumstantially. I came into my twins' lives officially as a parent/caregiver at 2 months old (1 month adjusted). I have really struggled with worrying about not being seen as equal, as well as not sharing the ability to "see myself" physically in both of them. To hear another discuss this so openly reaffirmed me in so many ways. I've come throughout the last year to realize that I can see plenty of myself in them, through the littlest of gestures or expressions. I am autistic and recently, my daughter has begun to copy my stim hands when she gets overwhelmed or excited. I hope in the future we come to better ways of acknowledging, accepting, and truly loving families that don't fit into the nuclear ( & bio, hetero) norms.
My mom read to me from birth, books were not just objects to me growing up they were special friends who got treated with the up most care and compassion. I used to get so upset with myself (and still do) when I would smudge a page accidentally tear a page. This attachment and early reading gave me such a huge lead over others of my age. Not just in terms of reading or language but also knowledge, compassion, the ability to comprehend complex topics and my ability to place myself in other people's situations. I was more prone to experiment (often resulting in me not listening to my teachers instructions) and ask for explanations about things that I did not understand instead of accepting them (my junior school teachers were not fond of me).
I really appreciate videos like that because most same-sex couples in the media are in the early stages of their relationship and it's really hard for me to imagine my happy lesbian future in the later phases of love. However, the audio in the green parts is not good. Hope it'll be fixed.
This is a super helpful, thoughtful, informative video. Despite this, what I blurted out - at full volume - as soon as it started was just "braid crown!!!!!!" 👏👏
Having recently determined I am asexual, have never been in a relationship, I find it hard when asked, do you have children, or at my current senior age, do you have grandchildren. I so badly want to say, no, that's none of your business. But, it is hard to say that to children who ask.
Thank you so much for this gem of a video! I haven't heard most of these topics discussed literally... anywhere. Ever. I think this is all very important for anyone in similar parenting situations and most +definitely+ for family/friends who might not even realize how hurtful/offensive they could be coming across. Also, just when I thought I couldn't possibly learn anything else as I had just learned so much here already, you mentioned that non-carrying parents also develop post-partum depression. It absolutely makes so much sense, but I have never heard so much as a whisper about it. I look forward to the second video's release on Tuesday. In the meantime, I hope you, Claudia, & little Rupert have a lovely weekend!♡
Thank you sm for making this video! It’s looking like I’m probably not going to have bio-kids so knowing that you have a son and he still loves and connects with you put some of my worries at ease. 💕
I thank you for this Jessica, it also helps me a bit with my own issue. I didn't have a dad growing up, I had a "donor" who divorced my mum 2 weeks before she had me, and she had to raise me by herself. (She also knew I was trans before I did!) I have a step-father who met my mother when I was 12. He's my real dad, because he put all the work into raising me. DNA doesn't matter, love matters! I'm also happy to see that Rupert is an expert at learning BSL! So awesome to see/learn that concepts of sign helped him communicate better than trying to learn a frustrating spoken language. I have a friend who is deaf from birth, who taught his deaf cat ASL, it was adorable! I'm looking forward to part 2, and if I said anything wrong or bad, I apologize in advance! Much love!
Like you stated LOVE IS LOVE!!! A child just needs to be cleaned, fed and loved! They need a safe gentle enviroment knowing that their parents will always be there for them. That part really isn't hard. Starting a family is always an adventure. All parents feel the "am I the third wheel" feelings. Thank you for sharing all this and how you feel about it all. I'm sure there are others that will take comfort in your words. You are lovely! Huggs and be well!!
Wish I knew you when I had a baby... Well I had my baby before you, but my family is not helpful at all, and I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. My mother wasn't great. I love your channel/videos. They are very helpful!! 💜💜💜
I think it being a good idea to check in on the welfare of a friend, who is a non-birthing new parent, is also applicable to fathers in hetero relationships. As you say, the non-birthing partner will prioritise caring for a new baby and for their partner, who has just grown and birthed an entire human being, but they are going through profound practical, physical and emotional changes too. There is a tonne of research showing that involved non-birthing parents (whether biologically related to the child or not) go through many of the same hormonal changes a newly post-partum woman does. So often, though, neither new parents, nor their friends and family, acknowledge this and I think it can be even worse when gender stereotypes come into play. There is, sadly, still a pretty widespread belief that men shouldn't show "weakness," or that fathers specifically will not and should not be as emotionally affected by the arrival of a new baby as mothers. A lot of progress has been made in recent years de-stigmatising post-partum depression and stressing the importance of recognising it and getting appropriate treatment quickly. However, it's still not widely acknowledged that this is something fathers can suffer from too. So yes, always ask about the welfare of the whole family in a situation which, however wonderful and joyful, is also going to be stressful and difficult for everyone.
I really love watching these videos about your beautiful family and everything that comes with it, even though I don't want children myself, I just find it so beautiful and inspiring to watch! So thank you! So much!! I wish every child could have caring and loving parents like you.
It's great to hear you sound so accepting about your conflicting/complicated feelings. For context I'm a transracial/out of country adoptee, there is no way to figure out who my egg and sperm donor are (aka biological parents). You're completely right in saying that the kids with nonbiological parent(s) consider the people who emotionally and physically care for them to be their "real" parent(s). But as a warning (that you've probably thought of) is that other children will probably be confused as well as the parent(s) of the confused children, leading him to get some invasive/insensitive questions. Of course when/if that happens who knows how he will respond, buy at the very least just don't be surprised or taken aback when/if he comes back from the first day of daycare/pre-school and has questions or mentions how other kids may have reacted when he describes what is his normal (in relation to parents). And when asking questions or making comments he may be so young that it's difficult for him to describe the full scope of his feelings/emotions, so just as reassurance, if it comes of (or even is) him feeling negative towards his situation, I'd reccomend not taking it too personally, after all he still considered you his parents. No idea if you'll read this, as I'm not a typical commenter, hope this helps for those toddler/elementary school years
Father is a verb!!! As is Mother!!! What you DO as a parent throughout baby's life is waaaaaay more important than any level of contribution you could make to the biological process!
Your pure joy in motherhood is so evident and so lovely! You’re positively radiant whenever you speak of your relationship. Your Roo is such a fortunate young man to have his two loving mothers! FWIW: I’m a lesbian with EDS & other “interesting” conditions 😂 & so was also unable to have children. I myself was adopted at birth, and later reunited with my birth mother as well. In a very different way, and each in their own way, both of those women were my “Mom,” and I could not have been more blessed than to have had them both in my life. There are so many kinds of mother-love, but at heart, they are one. 💕
I’ve pretty much raised my sister for most of her life. She has been in my care for almost 2 years and she is now a 17 year old teen who has always came to me when she needed something. I’m the one she came to when she needed to talk about private teenage stuff cuz our mom and her dad were not capable of really helping her. My mom has some mental and physical problems that make it hard for her to be a parent without guidance and her father has cancer that has spread out through his whole body so I had to be the one to step up. I love my sister and being her guardian was an easy decision for me to make😊💖
I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant (!!!) for the first time and my husband was lamenting last week about how he feels so helpless because I have to go through the “hard” part (eg physical changes, morning sickness, etc.) and that he can’t take any of it off my shoulders. And I told him that yes, the physical part is solely on me at this point, but the mental/emotional challenges-preparing for baby and all the unknowns, handling a shift in who can handle what tasks on a given day, and riding the wave of my off the chain emotions rn 😅-are on both of us, and it’s ok if it’s hard on both of us. I think he almost needed my permission to feel worn out from the mental/emotional side of things. So for all you parents out there who didn’t carry your kid(s), your role is so important! And it’s hard work!
I just found your channel. I've seen this video and the recent update on the signs your baby knows. Your family is so cute. Thanks for being so open about your life and journey. I also love your vintage style so much.
Jessica, I just received your Pride pin from DFTBA. It is so beautiful. Thank you. This is the first Pride thing I have ever bought myself. I never thought Pride was for me, even though I've been bi my whole life (literally, I didn't know it was different until a cousin drew attention to it when I was eight or nine). Anyway, thank you. And thank you for sharing your beautiful family with the world. This is the kind of representation we need in this world.
I just LOVE your "tutorial" videos; from physical changes, to emotional issues, to a division of duties, etc. In a loving family, it HAPPENS!! I chose to breast feed--it sounds so, so "maternal"! The idea is that the new baby will automatically KNOW what to do, and YOU will too--WRONG!! It's painful at first--creams and pads in your nursing bra helps; but it HURTS! I had a friend with the La Leche League assist me (ALWAYS look to professionals in their own fields for help). Our pediatrician wanted Daddy to give our baby one bottle a day to help with bonding (it graduated to Daddy reading a book before bedtime). We tried to make learning fun--different shapes, colors and textures. I would talk non-stop to him about hummingbirds being the smallest bird, the difference between the vernal equinox, and summer solstice. People would laugh as to what difference it would make--well, it DID! A routine between BOTH parents makes for a happy baby, as well as a transitional time ("in 5 minutes, we need to get ready to go")--happier parents; happier baby! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! 👏✨💜
Wow Jessica - your explanation of what a parent is was really beautiful and made me tear up for some reason. The love in your family is so strong and overflows. Love seeing you talk about your family
Jessica, as someone else said, the scenes where you're in the green have a sound problem. They sound lke they are muffled, as if the microphone was covered up.
The name thing can really help for the kid to feel connected to the non-bio parent too. I am the daughter of two women and they gave me my parent's middel name "Maria" which she had gotten from her aunts. Having "Maria" to connect me her (even though I mostly use my first name) has really me feel connected to her side of the famili when I as a teenager struggled with not being biologically related to half my family. It might seem like small detail compared to all the other things that goes into raising a kid, but it really helped me. If I have a daughter of my own some day I really want to give the middle name to her if possible :) (especially if I end up being the non-bio parent) Thank you for speaking about this :)
It often amazes me how little emphasis some people put on the "narture" aspect adult and infant relationships, whether you're their parent or even a relative. Like, these tiny people are hanging you *ALL* day. Unless something is terribly amiss you and the micro-human are going to invariably get used to one another. Now obviously, not being a parent myself, I'm not in any way shape or form a replacement for a mum, dad or non-specific parental figure. But even though I'm only an uncle for a little niece and nephew (one of my sister's two kids) I'm grateful that they both love spending time with me - they aren't old enough to realize how uncool I am yet ;p It's like what you were saying about niches. I've become the adult that they can beat up without consequence, and take on ridiculous yarns about time-travelling ninjas or whatever, and the uncle who has frozen treats mum would never buy, etc. I'm not sure if any of my rambling helps, but if these two children can actively enjoy spending time with a weirdo like me, new mums shouldn't be so hard on themselves - they need you as much as you need them.
That is a really great video. Most people stop at the genetics and don’t care about what parenting is really about. Rupert’s little hand grabbing the book was such a cute scene to watch.
Thank you SO MUCH for this video!! My partner is pregnant at the moment and I’ve been so worried this whole pregnancy so far about what my role as the non bio mom will be. I’d love to have someone closer to me to share this experience with but I don’t have anyone at the moment and this has helped remind me that I’m not alone ♥️
I deeply appreciate your vulnerability and honesty in this video. It gave me a lot to think about, as well as solutions to problems I have not yet encountered.
I am a dad of three, and I also agree with everything that you are say. People don't seem to completely understand that if you are married with someone who is pregnant, you are also going through the pregnancy with our other half. This is a great video for any new parents. Thanks again for an amazing video guys.
I'm an American who married to a Moroccan man in Morocco. His nephew (now my nephew) lives with us and has since the age of 2. I love him like he came out of my tummy, and he always tells this adorable story about how he came from my tummy first, then his mom's. (Not possible, of course, but he loves to tell silly tales.) Families are made of love, not DNA.
Beautiful video! Thank you so much. I'm actually single and not planning on becoming a parent any time soon, and already worried about these things. I would however add that I think it's SUPER important to start including poly families in these discussions. When the person/s talking are not part of a poly family it could be as simple as not completely excluding the possibility of a poly family in general. For example, and this is with all the love and respect in the world, talking about "halves" and "your other half" implies only two people doing the parenting. P.S.: thank you so much for including us trans people and people with fertility issues ♡
When she talked about them reading together i imagined them both reading "adult" size books, like her with a book and rupert with another one together reading Virginia wolf
I actually think Grey's Anatomy touched this topic well. With Callie and Arizona and their divorce. Though they did the parent thing in a stranger way! Thank you so much for the information Jess. You always help me learn new things!
This video should be a mandatory watch to the majority of the human race. I love that you are so open and honest. Even though I have a daughter who identifies as a member of the LGBTQ+ community and I try to be aware of situations where societal norms aren't the same for her, I still learn so much from your content. You make me think about things and situations that are different for her and that allows me to be a better Mom and ally. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤!
I feel like we could draw a pretty interesting parallel between the experience of a non-bio parent and how the non-pregnant parent is treated in general. If you think about how cis het fathers are so actively separated from the experience of expecting and adjusting to life with a baby. They're often excluded from the baby shower for instance, or have to leave the hospital at some point (mainly during COVID, not sure what it's like in normal times) and the often significantly shorter postnatal leave they're granted means they're separated even moreso from their bonding period with their baby. The cis mother's transformation is treated with a lot more care than the cis father, much like how non-bio parents are made to feel like their identity and their lives haven't drastically changed as they become parents like their partners have. (Unsure if I'm making sense, as someone who doesn't have, or intend to have children, I'm just thinking out loud I guess 🤷♀️)
I feel like the differences need to be acknowledged. A lot of people like to downplay just how stressful and damaging pregnancy can be on the body. Not mention postpartum depression. Giving birth is medical procedure and should be treated as such. I feel like people treat it too lightly because it’s “just normal”.
i think it's so important to be aware of the diffrent types of family structures, and how diffrent kids or parents with the same background might feel about their family structure. personally i'm a donor child of a single mother. people always been SUPER weird about this fact. found out recently that my uncle didn't know i was a donorchild and instead assumed i was an accident with a one night stand. after living years feeling like i should be somewhat ashamed of my background i made a 180 and might have gotten too comfortable. using 'i don't have a dad' as a joke and sometimes calling my donor for my donor-daddy.
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*Captions are being made, thank you for your patience!*
Just to let you know - there is an audio issue. The cut-away scenes (green dress) have basically no audio at all. :(
Same
@@JustSaralius yeah that threw me off at first lol
@@JustSaralius I'm not losing my mind! Thank you ❤
Captions to rescue!
(For people who can access them)
Sperm bank baby here! Can confirm that it is very important for me to make a distinction between "donor" and "father" as the child involved. My father raised me; the only thing I want to do with my donor is buy him a beer as thanks for doing something really, really nice for my family. 👍 They are profoundly NOT interchangeable words to me.
It's also very important for people whose bio dad's or mom's just never were really involved in their life or those who were given up for adoption.
My nephew doesn't know his bio dad besides from pictures. He is 20 and the only dad he has is my sisters husband who has been in his life pretty much since birth.
We call him his father and he calls him that too. The other person is just his bio dad or whatever other creative names my nephew likes to use occasionally.
My oldest cousin is adopted, his only parents are my aunt and uncle. That's how he sees it and that's therefore how I see it as well. I know that's something very personal so I usually just go by what the person uses themselves.
Thanks for sharing your experience of this. I'm a solo parent and biological mum to a "donor baby" and so far, I maintain that he doesn't have a father. Yes there is a person who contributed DNA but that person has never met kiddo or had any interest of being a parent to him or anyone else. This is, apparently, very abstract for some people.
I wish there were separate words for "parent i.e adult who cares for you and helps you while you grow up" and "parent i.e biological progenitor/DNA donor".
A term I’ve heard a teacher use with her young students- “Raisins” 😂 Hilarious, light, inclusive term. Instead of discussing Dads and Mums when referring to adult carers in the home, she asks “Who are your Raisins?” Who is RAISING you?
Inclusive and non-judgemental and allows the family to define themselves and their roles. Grandparents, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, Fosters, Single parents, couples… makes zero assumptions.
Perhaps a more formal, new adjectives and nouns will evolve soon. @@narnigrin
You explained this beautifully!
Really? I was honestly concerned that they are so strick about saying "donor" over "father." I know many adopted children, and I've heard a handful of donor babies voice this too, have a huge lack of self not knowing about their biological family. My cousin, despite her biological parents being HORRIFIC to her and she does very much hate that they treated her so poorly, still sometimes refers to her biological family - not her bio parents though because they were horribly abusive I assume - by the titles they would be: Grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, etc. She also tend to refer to us as family, if she likes the individual. She HATES when I say, "We're French..." because biologically she isn't even though she was raised in French-Canadian culture. My great-grandpa was likely adopted and I definitely wonder about that part of my family. If I had a donor child I would use the term "father." A father doesn't have to be a dad though. To me, a father is biology and can also be a job. A dad, to me, is just the job. I'd be afraid that my child would feel like they can't talk about being a donor child nor ask where they came from. Everyone is different though. I'm glad to hear that avoiding the term "father" is actually better for some donor-born people. I don't have any desire to have biological children; I want desperately to adopt. I guess I just assumed that most donor babies would have similar struggles with identity and abandonment that most adoptees have.
I'm a father who needed a sperm donor due to infertility. Relatable.
They said they COULD do exploratory surgery... I declined immediately. I don't care that much about my DNA. I care about my kids.
I have two moms and people still disrespect my non-birth mother’s position constantly. And I’m 20 years old. It infuriates me but I love her a lot, and I try not to bristle when people refer to my donor as my father. It doesn’t matter what others think ultimately - she is my mom and she’s a part of me, she always will be.
some people are close-minded, don't listen to them
I love that you put it as her being a part of you. ❤ It baffles me that people can’t see that someone can be a pillar in a child’s life without being biologically related to them. We’re godparents for our best friends’ little one, and I swear I love that child with every fiber of my being. I like to think that it won’t matter as he gets older that we’re not blood, because all he’s going to feel is the love we’ve been showering him with for his entire life. Bc honestly that’s what we tend to remember anyway about our childhoods-not who was or wasn’t in our DNA, but how people made us feel. I’m so happy you have the love from your mom to cherish always. ❤
Thank you for this Message. I am a soon to be Non Bio Mum who is very nervous for my unborn son, but your resilience and emotional intelligence has been super reassuring.
It actually hadn't occurred to me until now that the person in a lesbian relationship carrying the child in a pregnancy didn't necessarily need to also be the provider of the egg as well. Neat!
I didn't either! I love learning new things from her.
Only semi related but there was a TV show in my country last year I think about three women who decided to become mothers together! One put the egg, one the womb and one (a trans woman) the sperm and they all raised the child together. I never managed to catch it but the dynamic seemed very interesting
@@maitesoto1953 That is incredible, thank you so much for sharing!!
@@maitesoto1953 Did you find out what it was called?
@@PrincessLioness there was a first one called Pequeña Victoria (little victory) where the was a fourth mum that helped with the raising of the baby and a spin off called Pequeñas Victorias that starts when the little girl starts primary school
I don't have kids, but I understand some of the "hey, I am important too" sort of situations. I was present for a great friend of mine's first child's birth, which was amazing and scary and beautiful! After she had him, and I spent some time with her to make sure she was okay, and wait on her hand and foot (which is almost literally, because I was holding her right leg when she finally gave birth), I went out to the waiting room where a lot of other family was waiting. I said "I'm heading out now. They are moving her to a regular room (instead of the delivery room) and the new room number is XX and you all should be able to go in soon" and my friend's youngest sister in law said "you mean HIM???" (referring to the little boy she just gave birth to), and I said "Well, he's being moved too, but I was referring to *name of friend that just gave birth*". That obviously really stuck with me. I was there for my friend. Yes, the little bundle of joy was an added benefit, but right after he was born, and had skin on skin time, they took him to the other side of the room to be examined, and the rest of the family that was in the room all went over to the baby. I stayed by my friend's side. I knew I'd have time to be with him, but right in that moment, SHE needed me. She noticed that too, and she still talks about that, to this day. He will be 13 later this year
I noticed that when my sister gave birth too. My family was asking about the baby nonstop but didn't ask about her and how she was doing... I made sure to be the sister to always ask about her health and wellbeing, cuz moms should always be part of this equation! (Tho to add to Jessica's point, no one asked about how the father was either. As far as I noticed.)
She's lucky to have a friend like you. I have a friend like that (I told the hospital she was my sister & put her on my HIPAA release so she could be included in everything) and we call her "Auntie Her Name".
I delivered at 33 weeks by emergency c-section & Auntie X she was there only a few hours later. She flew thousands of miles with no notice. I didn't get to hold my son at all when he was born. He went straight to the NICU & I was incredibly sick with preeclampsia so I couldn't see him for two days. She video chatted from the NICU those first two days & slept on a cot in my hospital room for a week. She even ended up moving in with us & helping us with the baby for the first two years of his life. It was a very traumatic birth (& post partum) experience, and I'm forever grateful for her.
@@reeba4824 I think it should be in order of who is most concern. Baby first, because babies are the most likely to possibly not be ok, and also they're new to the world and therefore very exciting, then the person who gave birth, as they could potentially also not be ok, although they're at less risk than the baby, and then anyone else who was involved, like a second parent or birthing partner, because they shouldn't have been in any real danger, but it's important to check if they're doing well emotionally.
It's wild to me that people would even say something like "Claudia had a baby" when cis straight couples use the phrase "we had a baby" all the time (or even sometimes "we (as as couple) are pregnant") and literally no one bats an eye. Of course you should both be congratulated! So happy to see some non-biological lesbian mother representation, loved the video!
I have some straight friends who talk about how how much they hate the term “we are having a baby” but sometimes babies really are a team effort? Like even if only one person is carrying the baby, the decision to conceive and the timing and planning in queer families can often be a joint decision so it really is a “we” not just an “I’m pregnant”. It’s very context dependent.
@@anastaciamenemenils8508 I think "we are having a baby" is all encompassing of any couple that is going to have a baby (via IVF, adoption etc). However, as a woman who has a one year old, I have to say that "we are pregnant" is a bit of a pet peeve haha.
Personally, I think we're having / have had a baby is fine, but we're pregnant (unless both parties are actually pregnant) is a bit of an odd phrase. There are definitely different experiences between being pregnant vs supporting a pregnant partner, but after that as Jessica said it's mostly just parenting.
So sorry some of you are having audio problems with the video, we are trying to find the cause it at the moment. The video seems to have sound on some devices but not others (for instance Apple laptop, iPhone and Google Pixel phones all seem fine, but Samsung phones and potentially others are not playing sound in some shots!) 🤔
This is a great excuse for me to finally ditch my Samsung and get an apple phone lol
Can confirm, my Pixel is fine!
I'm watching from a windows laptop and the sound was fine
Just in case it helps with troubleshooting, I’m on an iPhone but also have no sound during the green outfit sections.
I’m watching on an apple iPad and the sound isn’t working on the green top shots
42 year old daughter of lesbians. The sheer number of times I've had to correct my family medical history because, "Wait, no, that's my **other** mom. (Biological) Mom had x, Mama had y. I accidentally put down y. Please take that off. I forgot we're not biologically related." I've been asked which one's the 'dad'. I've been asked what we do for father's day. (People get mad when I say that until my brother had kids we treated it like a second mother's day.) Rupert absolutely does not care about biology, I assure you.
Also-the 'Go Ask Your Mother' glitch is real. It is frustrating, annoying, hilarious, and absolutely going happen at least once in his life. He'll hate it when it happens but by the time he's my age it'll be a hilarious memory of running back and forth between the two of you until one/both of you realizes what's happening.
The conversation with a new doctor is always an interesting one.
Dr: Do you have kids?
Mother: Yes, I have 4.
Dr: *notes P=4 on chart*
How many pregnancies?
Mother: Zero, all adopted.
Dr: *scribbles out 4 and changes to 0*
I guarantee every one of my charts has a scribble and correction.
My sleepy-ass read this title and was utterly confused how you weren’t a bio mother, because you seemed pretty aware of the environment and climate change 😅
been there, do that. 💤😴😴🛏🛏
🤣
She's been raised with pesticides 😔
Also as the non-birth parent, you should find out the laws where you live. You may not legally be considered a parent. If you aren’t, I advise meeting with a lawyer to put in place as much protection as you can. (In Jessica’s case, she is legally a parent, but that isn’t always the case.)
Very good point. Thank you.
That's true. I live in Poland where children of two moms are being denied citizenship as polish administration workers don't know how to transcribe birth certificates as there are only mother and father fields in polish forms.
@@JankoWalski-hz3lu that is awful!
@@JankoWalski-hz3lu i remember hearing about some really disheartening anti-Lgbt+ stuff happening in Poland a while back, what’s the general climate like there now?
@@AnEmu404 there's no change for the better in sight.
When I was one, my parents (biological) adopted an older brother for me who was three. That’s what they told me, that they were adopting an older brother for me! We’re in our 50s now and are both loved equally by our parents, and that is all that matters!
The actual circumstances aside, that kinda cute how your parents put it.
Because of the way they put it, I always thought he was chosen especially for me! And I was pretty old before I caught on that people usually got younger brothers and sisters!
You seem like an ideal mother, Jessica. I’m so sorry that you went through a spell of worrying that Rupert wouldn’t love you as much as he does Claudia. He’s a very lucky little fellow to have you two devoted mummies. 🎀💖🎀
well said and so true !
Being adopted taught me that biology really has very little to do with it. Family is about who is there for you.
I love this. As a step mom it can be hard because I dont get taken seriously because Im not the bio mom. Ive even been told multiple times that because I havent been pregant and given birth then Im not a mom and I wont know what a mom is like till I have a kid. Im sterile and like you have significant health issues that pregancy is a no go for me. I look forward to part two. Thank you again for this video. I shared it on facebook so others can see this.
I feel like the situation is different with step parents, especially when both of the actual parents are involved in the child’s life, than Jessica’s situation. Ultimately she is Ruperts mom, and as such has full responsibility as well as the final say when it comes to how to raise him, that step parents just don’t have. That isn’t to say that step parents can’t have a good relationship with their step kids.
@@PrincessLioness step parents are as good as bio parents *especially* as they literally chose to be in the kids life (as long as they treat the kid as their own that is. My brother’s step-mum is amazing, my dad kicked him out the house) and saying they don’t even count in making *decisions* about the kid’s life is harmful and hurtful and I suggest you fucking stop. Especially don’t say that to a stepmother who’s sharing her story about how people invalidate how she’s a mother just cuz she didn’t give birth.
@@emeraldlily673 It’s not about giving birth, that’s not what I was saying, why don’t you fucking stop putting words in my mouth, non bio or not, if you’re who they mom or dad, you’re their parent. I don’t know her situation, and every step parent situation is different. Not every step parent wants to be a parent and not every kid wants a step parent. I for one happen to have a lot of negative experiences with step parents. No they are not always as good as parents (bio or not). I never said they shouldn’t make decisions on the child, but when all chips are down, the parents will get the final say because they’re the ones who decided to bring that child into their situation and they’re on the birth certificate.
@@PrincessLioness Sure it’s probably a little different, but this step mom is sharing how she relates to Jessica’s experience. Without knowing their situation, it’s not fair to invalidate. If you are there for the child day after day, you’re a parent even if you didn’t give birth.
Hi! Kid of a complicated family here. Just wanna say that it means a lot to me to see that you care about your (step) children and that I'm sorry that people treat you like you're a sort of stranger to them. My step-mom didn't like me (much less love me) so it's nice to see that your kids are being taken care of and that you want to be their mom, even though you're not biologically related. It truly warms my heart to see this (I teared up when I read your message). Thank you :) I hope people start treating you well soon!
Love this! Signed, another lesbian parent to a one year old son who's not biologically related and whose wife is & gave birth. (Oh, and someone for whom gestation also happened to be a physiological impossibility. Never realized how much overlap there was until I started typing that! Wow.)
I'm not a robot, I'm just a lesbian is probably my new favourite sentence, quote and motto
All non-biological mothers are still 100% mothers. You are a great parent, Jessica! I can tell from your videos and pictures with Rupert. He's very lucky to have you and Claudia as mothers. ❤
This is so important to many families. We are cis and adopted. So many people make crazy comments about parents, biological parents, or my favorite "real parents ". People are rude. You are both amazing parents
A "real parent" is someone who raised the child. I don't get this kind of people.
A few months after my wife and I had our first child someone asked us which one of us was “the real” mother. We have also been asked how she got pregnant and why I wasn’t pregnant? All of these questions by virtual strangers. We never knew what to say and those questions really really affected me. Now that our first is five and our second is one we have figured out how to shut down those inappropriate questions, but man people can be so inappropriate.
Jessica, at least at the moment, for scenes where you're in green the sound gets VERY soft and we can't hear you. Just wanted to flag, very excited for this video! Thank you so much for all you do
Yes, same. I actually thought the sound went out. Marvelous video and topic. You are a beacon!
I hear nothing
I'm hard of hearing and can't hear these parts at all! The auto-generated captions don't even pick up what she's saying.
I hear the words totally fine, but it is almost like an under water sound..?
Yeah the switching back and forth is difficult to manage on a sensory level. But it’s a topic I’m very familiar with, as the “non bio” mom to a now 25 year old who my ex wife gave birth to and a now 19 year old adopted through domestic adoption.
As a disabled and non biological mother I really appreciate the representation. ❤️
i am also a product of ivf! nearly 30 years before rupert lol. in the early 2000s it was so fun pretending that my existence is the result of sci fi magic. i doubt the technology still holds the same fascination for Kids These Days, but i still hope he'll enjoy all of the "do you have a bellybutton?" questions as much as i did!
You and all the IVF babies should say you have two bellybuttons! 😊 That should be fun to see people's reaction.😨😱 😂😂
I find it hilarious how IVF and c-section babies can both relate on the whole "not conceived/born the traditional way" thing. I used to love telling kids in my class that I popped out of my mom's stomach like a xenomorph lol
I'm a cis single woman trying to explore my options for starting a family and although the sexuality side of your story doesn't apply to me, I just want to reach out to you to say thankyou for this.
It's helping me to start to process some emotions and fears. I just want to let you know I'm grateful 🙏
My friend just did this. She hasn’t had a partner since her divorce but wanted a child. She had some infertility issues, but successfully had a baby last year. That kid is so loved, but I hate all the people who thought she was cheating the kid by pursuing parenthood absent of an active father.
@@TheDawnofVanlife omg I had no idea you were still making UA-cam videos. I remember coming across your channel several years ago when you were still in your minivan. Hopefully you’re doing well.
That’s going to be my situation. I’m torn between adoption and using a sperm bank as a single woman. It seems so much more difficult to adopt as a single parent than to just pick a donor. I’m still in the process of figuring out what I want but I’m glad I’m not alone in this
@@TheDawnofVanlifewhy do you hate that when there are literally statistics that prove your opinion silly?
Of course you’re not a Dad, but I wonder if there’s a space for non-birthing parents following their partner giving birth. I’ve definitely heard Dads who have birthing partners express some of these same feelings and feeling that they needed to shuffle aside anything they went through because their partner, you know, grew and delivered an entire human.
I know . A friend of my really really was looking forward to raising his kids. And he found it difficult to find a job they would consider him a perent . He has to pretend he doesn't actely have kids thet he's loosing sleep over and thet is crazy
Oh for sure! As Jessica was speaking, I was thinking about my own feelings around my future (not cis) fatherhood, at this first period of it at least. Birthing person cares for the baby, partner cares about birthing parent before and after birth. And I think that's all important and fair. However, the other partner must be cared for as well, and I can very clearly see how, in a similar situation I wouldn't seek support knowing my partner already has a ton on their back.
What Jessica said was extremely soothing to my general anxiety tho! (Also the fact that my partner said they might not want to carry- so the situation will probs be different)
I used to refer to my son’s donor as GC, for genetic contributor. It invited fewer nosy questions. 😀😂
Hi Jessica, you might be interested in the baby book
‘My amazing family and me’
My cousin helped create it as she had two mums growing up and them all the baby books were heteronormative and assumed someone carried the baby. Great for adopted and kids with two mums / dads x
i’m loving the pin up braids with the pearls 💗 thank you for sharing your experiences; you give me hope for me own future
Thank you so much lovely ❤️
*my oops
@@jessicaoutofthecloset oh wow i actually cried after seeing you reply;;; you, your family and your channel genuinely mean the world to me thank you for everything
As an adoptee I absolutely know that DNA does not equal family.
As someone who worries about how Imll physically do as a parent with chronic illness, this is so encouraging. Appreciate your realism and honesty on the highs and lows of parenting! And what makes a family ❤️
As the non bio mom in a poly family yes to all of this. I suffered with post partum depression and felt so isolated bc no one other than my partners understood.
This video could not have come at a better time. My wife and I have just had a failed round of reciprocal IVF (my wife donating, me carrying), and we've been discussing whether to use my eggs instead on the next round. I think this video will be a great comfort to my wife as she grapples with the idea of potentially being the 'other mother'. Thank you so much ❤️
We had a baby in August, biologically related to and birthed by me, and this video was really good for my wife and me to see! Thanks for addressing the struggles and joys of the non-bio mom. Would love to hear Claudia’s perspective as well! 💞
Planning for a baby with one of my partners and it’s been a challenge trying to navigate the legal stuff because we’re not married, so for a same sex couple, that can be a minefield regarding parenting rights and who is legally considered a parent. Especially in the US where the whole legal mess is completely different depending on what state you live in. 🤦🏻♀️ I definitely recommend anyone in this situation in the USA getting with an attorney ahead of time who can help you figure out what your rights are in your state and what you can do to ensure both/all parents have rights to parent the child. ❤️
I think this Information is honestly important for all parents. A lot of times people completely ignore the father in what they consider a traditional relationship since the dad didn’t carry the baby. And I know a lot of people in my fertility groups who the fathers weren’t biologically related to the children Due to them needing donors. Or families that you surrogacy. I hope that eventually society can catch one that we need to be more understanding of all family dynamics because like you said having a child in your life changes your life for everyone involved not just someone who gave birth
@SE Robinson. I feel the same as you. You expressed it so much better than I could. Thank you.
Okay, I don’t have a baby and not even planning to get one, but I’m crying after this video… The thing you said about our chosen families and communities is so important and heart-warming 💕 Thank you!
Yes and yes. Thank you for the acknowledgement of the pressure LGBTQ families feel to show only positivity so as not to invite criticism of the group. That policing and self policing is powerful.
Jessica- I am so impressed by your eloquence. You give articulate, compassionate voice to a topic that is very complex. Well done just calling out how HARD it is to validate, process, and work through feelings during a physically and emotionally challenging life upheaval - while fending off ignorance and rudeness from others. Rupert is truly lucky to have you! Best wishes
I mean in a heterosexual relationship the father also didn't have the baby himself so I think the phrase "We had a baby" is just as right for your case as it is there.
It's your child, both of you are the parents but thankfully only one had to be pregnant and give birth in some way.
The difference there is that the father is (often, unless a donor is used) is still biologically related to the child. Jessica is not, so thats where her concerns came from
I seem people have snarky attitudes about men saying "we".
@@kiarimarie I think people are annoyed when people say “we are pregnant” when only one parent is pregnant. Saying “we had a baby” is not the same thing bc they’re parents and its true that they’re raising a baby together.
Your mothering qualities are truly inspirational. You can tell that many parents (even parent vloggers, even parents who are nice people)kinda see their children as props or accessories. You are a true MOTHER and that is so so much more meaningful and will be just as if not more significant for Rupert in his life than who carried him or shares his DNA. You are truly an inspiration!
YES! Please check on the non-birthing parents too! Check on all the family members when a new member enters in any way. I'm in a cis-het marriage and we have a six month old. Since I was pregnant, my mother-in-law has only asked her son how I am doing or how the baby is. She hasn't asked how he is doing in over a year and it really hurts his feelings and makes him feel unimportant.
I was adopted when I was 1 year old, so i’ve always known that family is much more about love than it is about sharing DNA. It just has always been my reality and world, so I’m kinda surprised if sometimes people find that view on family surprisingly new and ‘wow I hadn’t thought of that but it’s so true’. Indeed same goes for chosen family within the LGBTQ+ community. Great video!
I love this, it’s such a testament that no matter how your family starts, whether there are two dads two moms or one of each, it’s all the same. Children just want love, and they will develop a unique relationship with each parent, who will be the only one that can meet that unique need. My children are all grown now, we had a playful relationship at times and I giggle at imagining if I could have played the game of “go ask your mother” 😂❤
As a nursery nurse part of my job is role modelling appropriate play skills and encouraging children's independence. Watching you engage with your son brings me so much joy! X
I'm in a very similar position to you as I have eds and I have other conditions too which mean I most likely won't be able to carry a fetus to term, and even if I managed to it would most likely leave me unable to walk. I'm bi and after telling a man I was dating I couldn't have children, he asked me "why are you even dating men then if you can't have a baby?"... And that really hurt. I've never been 100% or even 50% sure I want a baby, and finding out I can't was surprisingly a big relief. I've started dating a woman and was talking to my sister about children and I found myself being actually positive about the idea of having a child that wasn't genetically related or carried by me at all. I think it's the only time I've actually liked the idea of having a child at all. My sister laughed and told me when I was younger I would say "I don't want to be a mum, I want to be a dad" (I am cis fem). We're not at the stage where I would talk to the woman I'm dating about children yet, but seeing your videos about motherhood has really helped me to be ok thinking about it and seeing it as a positive possibility.
The thing I took away from this is that there needs to be more parenting books for adoptive/non-birth giving parents.
I also have fertility issues so will be adopting in future and this was really reassuring for me, thank you.
Thank you so much for this series Jessica. I'm a queer woman, but my nonbiological motherhood journey has been a little different circumstantially. I came into my twins' lives officially as a parent/caregiver at 2 months old (1 month adjusted). I have really struggled with worrying about not being seen as equal, as well as not sharing the ability to "see myself" physically in both of them. To hear another discuss this so openly reaffirmed me in so many ways. I've come throughout the last year to realize that I can see plenty of myself in them, through the littlest of gestures or expressions. I am autistic and recently, my daughter has begun to copy my stim hands when she gets overwhelmed or excited. I hope in the future we come to better ways of acknowledging, accepting, and truly loving families that don't fit into the nuclear ( & bio, hetero) norms.
Y’all are the cutest little family. Thank you for sharing this. Also Rupert chasing you with a book is ADORABLE.
My mom read to me from birth, books were not just objects to me growing up they were special friends who got treated with the up most care and compassion. I used to get so upset with myself (and still do) when I would smudge a page accidentally tear a page. This attachment and early reading gave me such a huge lead over others of my age. Not just in terms of reading or language but also knowledge, compassion, the ability to comprehend complex topics and my ability to place myself in other people's situations. I was more prone to experiment (often resulting in me not listening to my teachers instructions) and ask for explanations about things that I did not understand instead of accepting them (my junior school teachers were not fond of me).
I really appreciate videos like that because most same-sex couples in the media are in the early stages of their relationship and it's really hard for me to imagine my happy lesbian future in the later phases of love. However, the audio in the green parts is not good. Hope it'll be fixed.
The audio from the green top section of the video sounds like it’s only coming out of one channel
I laughed so much when Rupert jumped on the book when you open the box. Clearly his love for them hasn't decreased
This is a super helpful, thoughtful, informative video. Despite this, what I blurted out - at full volume - as soon as it started was just "braid crown!!!!!!" 👏👏
Same here!
Thank you so much for this beautiful video! As a queer woman who wants to adopt in the future, this video is immensely wonderful and reassuring ❤️
Off topic, but I love your hair in this! Love the entire look actually!
Having recently determined I am asexual, have never been in a relationship, I find it hard when asked, do you have children, or at my current senior age, do you have grandchildren. I so badly want to say, no, that's none of your business. But, it is hard to say that to children who ask.
Thank you so much for this gem of a video! I haven't heard most of these topics discussed literally... anywhere. Ever. I think this is all very important for anyone in similar parenting situations and most +definitely+ for family/friends who might not even realize how hurtful/offensive they could be coming across. Also, just when I thought I couldn't possibly learn anything else as I had just learned so much here already, you mentioned that non-carrying parents also develop post-partum depression. It absolutely makes so much sense, but I have never heard so much as a whisper about it.
I look forward to the second video's release on Tuesday. In the meantime, I hope you, Claudia, & little Rupert have a lovely weekend!♡
Thank you sm for making this video! It’s looking like I’m probably not going to have bio-kids so knowing that you have a son and he still loves and connects with you put some of my worries at ease. 💕
I thank you for this Jessica, it also helps me a bit with my own issue. I didn't have a dad growing up, I had a "donor" who divorced my mum 2 weeks before she had me, and she had to raise me by herself. (She also knew I was trans before I did!)
I have a step-father who met my mother when I was 12. He's my real dad, because he put all the work into raising me. DNA doesn't matter, love matters!
I'm also happy to see that Rupert is an expert at learning BSL! So awesome to see/learn that concepts of sign helped him communicate better than trying to learn a frustrating spoken language. I have a friend who is deaf from birth, who taught his deaf cat ASL, it was adorable!
I'm looking forward to part 2, and if I said anything wrong or bad, I apologize in advance!
Much love!
Like you stated LOVE IS LOVE!!! A child just needs to be cleaned, fed and loved! They need a safe gentle enviroment knowing that their parents will always be there for them. That part really isn't hard. Starting a family is always an adventure. All parents feel the "am I the third wheel" feelings. Thank you for sharing all this and how you feel about it all. I'm sure there are others that will take comfort in your words. You are lovely! Huggs and be well!!
Wish I knew you when I had a baby... Well I had my baby before you, but my family is not helpful at all, and I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. My mother wasn't great. I love your channel/videos. They are very helpful!! 💜💜💜
I think it being a good idea to check in on the welfare of a friend, who is a non-birthing new parent, is also applicable to fathers in hetero relationships.
As you say, the non-birthing partner will prioritise caring for a new baby and for their partner, who has just grown and birthed an entire human being, but they are going through profound practical, physical and emotional changes too. There is a tonne of research showing that involved non-birthing parents (whether biologically related to the child or not) go through many of the same hormonal changes a newly post-partum woman does. So often, though, neither new parents, nor their friends and family, acknowledge this and I think it can be even worse when gender stereotypes come into play. There is, sadly, still a pretty widespread belief that men shouldn't show "weakness," or that fathers specifically will not and should not be as emotionally affected by the arrival of a new baby as mothers. A lot of progress has been made in recent years de-stigmatising post-partum depression and stressing the importance of recognising it and getting appropriate treatment quickly. However, it's still not widely acknowledged that this is something fathers can suffer from too.
So yes, always ask about the welfare of the whole family in a situation which, however wonderful and joyful, is also going to be stressful and difficult for everyone.
I really love watching these videos about your beautiful family and everything that comes with it, even though I don't want children myself, I just find it so beautiful and inspiring to watch! So thank you! So much!! I wish every child could have caring and loving parents like you.
I cannot lip read very well I learned today while trying to get any context on what you're saying while in the green jacket
It's great to hear you sound so accepting about your conflicting/complicated feelings. For context I'm a transracial/out of country adoptee, there is no way to figure out who my egg and sperm donor are (aka biological parents). You're completely right in saying that the kids with nonbiological parent(s) consider the people who emotionally and physically care for them to be their "real" parent(s). But as a warning (that you've probably thought of) is that other children will probably be confused as well as the parent(s) of the confused children, leading him to get some invasive/insensitive questions. Of course when/if that happens who knows how he will respond, buy at the very least just don't be surprised or taken aback when/if he comes back from the first day of daycare/pre-school and has questions or mentions how other kids may have reacted when he describes what is his normal (in relation to parents). And when asking questions or making comments he may be so young that it's difficult for him to describe the full scope of his feelings/emotions, so just as reassurance, if it comes of (or even is) him feeling negative towards his situation, I'd reccomend not taking it too personally, after all he still considered you his parents. No idea if you'll read this, as I'm not a typical commenter, hope this helps for those toddler/elementary school years
Father is a verb!!! As is Mother!!! What you DO as a parent throughout baby's life is waaaaaay more important than any level of contribution you could make to the biological process!
Your so good at cutting the videos to create awesome comic timing :’>
Your pure joy in motherhood is so evident and so lovely! You’re positively radiant whenever you speak of your relationship. Your Roo is such a fortunate young man to have his two loving mothers!
FWIW: I’m a lesbian with EDS & other “interesting” conditions 😂 & so was also unable to have children. I myself was adopted at birth, and later reunited with my birth mother as well. In a very different way, and each in their own way, both of those women were my “Mom,” and I could not have been more blessed than to have had them both in my life. There are so many kinds of mother-love, but at heart, they are one. 💕
I’ve pretty much raised my sister for most of her life. She has been in my care for almost 2 years and she is now a 17 year old teen who has always came to me when she needed something. I’m the one she came to when she needed to talk about private teenage stuff cuz our mom and her dad were not capable of really helping her. My mom has some mental and physical problems that make it hard for her to be a parent without guidance and her father has cancer that has spread out through his whole body so I had to be the one to step up. I love my sister and being her guardian was an easy decision for me to make😊💖
I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant (!!!) for the first time and my husband was lamenting last week about how he feels so helpless because I have to go through the “hard” part (eg physical changes, morning sickness, etc.) and that he can’t take any of it off my shoulders. And I told him that yes, the physical part is solely on me at this point, but the mental/emotional challenges-preparing for baby and all the unknowns, handling a shift in who can handle what tasks on a given day, and riding the wave of my off the chain emotions rn 😅-are on both of us, and it’s ok if it’s hard on both of us. I think he almost needed my permission to feel worn out from the mental/emotional side of things. So for all you parents out there who didn’t carry your kid(s), your role is so important! And it’s hard work!
This was so beautiful, and I loved hearing your perspective. Can't wait for part 2!
I just found your channel. I've seen this video and the recent update on the signs your baby knows. Your family is so cute. Thanks for being so open about your life and journey. I also love your vintage style so much.
A lovely video Jessica. Hope you're keeping well 😌🌿
Jessica, I just received your Pride pin from DFTBA. It is so beautiful. Thank you. This is the first Pride thing I have ever bought myself. I never thought Pride was for me, even though I've been bi my whole life (literally, I didn't know it was different until a cousin drew attention to it when I was eight or nine). Anyway, thank you. And thank you for sharing your beautiful family with the world. This is the kind of representation we need in this world.
Hey Jessica my love!
NEVER underestimate the value of providing snacks!!
Jessica is such a beautiful and graceful soul, her personality is incredible. Congratulations on becoming a mother!
Your hair is on point in this video
“Nonbiological mother, which makes me sound like a robot…. I’m not a robot I’m just a lesbian”
😂😂😂😂 I died at that
1M approaching fast, we love to see it
I just LOVE your "tutorial" videos; from physical changes, to emotional issues, to a division of duties, etc. In a loving family, it HAPPENS!! I chose to breast feed--it sounds so, so "maternal"! The idea is that the new baby will automatically KNOW what to do, and YOU will too--WRONG!! It's painful at first--creams and pads in your nursing bra helps; but it HURTS! I had a friend with the La Leche League assist me (ALWAYS look to professionals in their own fields for help). Our pediatrician wanted Daddy to give our baby one bottle a day to help with bonding (it graduated to Daddy reading a book before bedtime). We tried to make learning fun--different shapes, colors and textures. I would talk non-stop to him about hummingbirds being the smallest bird, the difference between the vernal equinox, and summer solstice. People would laugh as to what difference it would make--well, it DID! A routine between BOTH parents makes for a happy baby, as well as a transitional time ("in 5 minutes, we need to get ready to go")--happier parents; happier baby! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! 👏✨💜
Wow Jessica - your explanation of what a parent is was really beautiful and made me tear up for some reason. The love in your family is so strong and overflows. Love seeing you talk about your family
Jessica, as someone else said, the scenes where you're in the green have a sound problem. They sound lke they are muffled, as if the microphone was covered up.
The name thing can really help for the kid to feel connected to the non-bio parent too.
I am the daughter of two women and they gave me my parent's middel name "Maria" which she had gotten from her aunts. Having "Maria" to connect me her (even though I mostly use my first name) has really me feel connected to her side of the famili when I as a teenager struggled with not being biologically related to half my family.
It might seem like small detail compared to all the other things that goes into raising a kid, but it really helped me.
If I have a daughter of my own some day I really want to give the middle name to her if possible :)
(especially if I end up being the non-bio parent)
Thank you for speaking about this :)
It often amazes me how little emphasis some people put on the "narture" aspect adult and infant relationships, whether you're their parent or even a relative. Like, these tiny people are hanging you *ALL* day. Unless something is terribly amiss you and the micro-human are going to invariably get used to one another.
Now obviously, not being a parent myself, I'm not in any way shape or form a replacement for a mum, dad or non-specific parental figure. But even though I'm only an uncle for a little niece and nephew (one of my sister's two kids) I'm grateful that they both love spending time with me - they aren't old enough to realize how uncool I am yet ;p It's like what you were saying about niches. I've become the adult that they can beat up without consequence, and take on ridiculous yarns about time-travelling ninjas or whatever, and the uncle who has frozen treats mum would never buy, etc.
I'm not sure if any of my rambling helps, but if these two children can actively enjoy spending time with a weirdo like me, new mums shouldn't be so hard on themselves - they need you as much as you need them.
"and bum shuffle chasing me around the kitchen until I give in and read it"
Awww, that mental image is adorable
That is a really great video. Most people stop at the genetics and don’t care about what parenting is really about. Rupert’s little hand grabbing the book was such a cute scene to watch.
Just wanted to pop in to say that this dress color is so flattering on you!!
Thank you SO MUCH for this video!! My partner is pregnant at the moment and I’ve been so worried this whole pregnancy so far about what my role as the non bio mom will be. I’d love to have someone closer to me to share this experience with but I don’t have anyone at the moment and this has helped remind me that I’m not alone ♥️
I deeply appreciate your vulnerability and honesty in this video. It gave me a lot to think about, as well as solutions to problems I have not yet encountered.
I am a dad of three, and I also agree with everything that you are say. People don't seem to completely understand that if you are married with someone who is pregnant, you are also going through the pregnancy with our other half. This is a great video for any new parents. Thanks again for an amazing video guys.
i've heard the term non-birthing parent used for this before! :D love your videos
I'm an American who married to a Moroccan man in Morocco. His nephew (now my nephew) lives with us and has since the age of 2. I love him like he came out of my tummy, and he always tells this adorable story about how he came from my tummy first, then his mom's. (Not possible, of course, but he loves to tell silly tales.) Families are made of love, not DNA.
Beautiful video! Thank you so much. I'm actually single and not planning on becoming a parent any time soon, and already worried about these things.
I would however add that I think it's SUPER important to start including poly families in these discussions. When the person/s talking are not part of a poly family it could be as simple as not completely excluding the possibility of a poly family in general. For example, and this is with all the love and respect in the world, talking about "halves" and "your other half" implies only two people doing the parenting.
P.S.: thank you so much for including us trans people and people with fertility issues ♡
When she talked about them reading together i imagined them both reading "adult" size books, like her with a book and rupert with another one together reading Virginia wolf
You're amazing for this level of honesty, sharing, and validation to the world, thank you so much!
I actually think Grey's Anatomy touched this topic well. With Callie and Arizona and their divorce. Though they did the parent thing in a stranger way!
Thank you so much for the information Jess. You always help me learn new things!
This video should be a mandatory watch to the majority of the human race. I love that you are so open and honest. Even though I have a daughter who identifies as a member of the LGBTQ+ community and I try to be aware of situations where societal norms aren't the same for her, I still learn so much from your content. You make me think about things and situations that are different for her and that allows me to be a better Mom and ally. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤!
I feel like we could draw a pretty interesting parallel between the experience of a non-bio parent and how the non-pregnant parent is treated in general.
If you think about how cis het fathers are so actively separated from the experience of expecting and adjusting to life with a baby. They're often excluded from the baby shower for instance, or have to leave the hospital at some point (mainly during COVID, not sure what it's like in normal times) and the often significantly shorter postnatal leave they're granted means they're separated even moreso from their bonding period with their baby.
The cis mother's transformation is treated with a lot more care than the cis father, much like how non-bio parents are made to feel like their identity and their lives haven't drastically changed as they become parents like their partners have.
(Unsure if I'm making sense, as someone who doesn't have, or intend to have children, I'm just thinking out loud I guess 🤷♀️)
I feel like the differences need to be acknowledged. A lot of people like to downplay just how stressful and damaging pregnancy can be on the body. Not mention postpartum depression. Giving birth is medical procedure and should be treated as such. I feel like people treat it too lightly because it’s “just normal”.
i think it's so important to be aware of the diffrent types of family structures, and how diffrent kids or parents with the same background might feel about their family structure.
personally i'm a donor child of a single mother. people always been SUPER weird about this fact. found out recently that my uncle didn't know i was a donorchild and instead assumed i was an accident with a one night stand.
after living years feeling like i should be somewhat ashamed of my background i made a 180 and might have gotten too comfortable. using 'i don't have a dad' as a joke and sometimes calling my donor for my donor-daddy.