I am still reeling in pain at finding out a few years ago at age 57 that I had been adopted in Europe and never told by my adoptive parents who passed yrs ago. My brother David called me late one night from NY to tell me he had shocking news to tell me. He said he was cleaning out our dad' s NY apartment and found my adoption docs. I was born to a French Jew from Strasbourg named Jenny Levy in Baumholder Germany in 1957 and adopted at 3 months old.Even had a different name but my adoptive parents changed it in court in France. Im angry and hurt because I feel cheated at not knowing my birth family. Im angry I didnt have a good happy life with my adoptive parents- who spoke fluent French, Yiddish and Hebrew but they didnt teach me any of them. I have taken 3 dna tests and also have a very important memoir from relatives in Israel , written by my birth mother about her life before, during and after the war and escape from the Nazis. I wish I had known my real birth mother who passed in Jerusalem in 2003 before I knew about her. Found out I had a bio sister who was born in 1959 and adopted by our birth fathers sister in the US. I am still so sad.
Your adopted parents were cruel. They should have told you that you were adopted. You have the right to know who your birth parents are. I am sorry you did not get to bond with your birth family.
Good lord you guys have hit every nail on the head. I hung on to every single word. I'm in tears listening to you guys speak. You spoke about every single feeling that i carry around every single day my entire life. God dam i wish i could let it go&forget all about it, but i can't. I have a deep dark hole inside of me that i can't not explain. It rears is ugly head in every single part of my life. I was adopted at 6months &I gotta say i absolutely hate it! Don't get me wrong, I love my mom&dad who raised me. I'm so grateful they did. They gave me such a better life. Couldn't be more thankful. It was an (in family adoption). They were such beautiful ppl.i also have two older sisters who were biological daughters to my adopted parents which made us a family of 5. They were 6 & 8yrs older then I was. I've always felt like an outsider. Nvr really fit in. I've hated my older sisters my entire life. As long as i can remember, that's the only feeling I've had for them. They were so mean to me. Nvr let me forget I was adopted. They use to flip thru magazines to find the ugliest freak show of a woman&say this is your real mom. I remember it like it was yesterday. We nvr once said I love you. Nvr any kind words of encouragement. No support. I haven't seen them in about ten years. My parents did the best they could with what they had. They loved me, fed me,&treated me like i was their own kid. But the real deep emotional needs really weren't met. I've always wanted a family of my own. I now see that it just ain't gonna happen for me. I hate this emptiness inside of me. It's affected my entire life. The older I get the harder it is. I'm struggling to find myself, to find love, or to find someone to just make some kinda connection with. My anxiety & depression is outa control. Stopped seeking anything romantic bc when it don't work out it absolutely kills me. When ppl come&go outta my life hits me way diff then most ppl. It really hurts deep down inside. Almost like a death. I truly grieve the absence of the person outa my life. My abandonment & trust issues cut deep to my core. I nvr thought in a million years Id grow up to no family, borderline basket headcase,&spend pretty 80%of my life alone. Prisoner in my own head. This is the first time I've ever spoke about this to anyone or online. Major big step for me. Anyways, adoption sucks! You guys did such a great job in this video. I wish I had access to all of you for some real help. It seems like I'm headed down a dark path&I'm so scared. Plz pray for me. Thanks for the info. God bless you guys.
Erik, I´ll be praying for you. Is there any way you can get support? I so hope you find the help you need and things get better for you. Sending lots of love you way, M.
Dear Erik, please come to Islam. You will find the family you never had and you will find the deepest connection with God (Allah is the Arabic word for God, not a different God). It will all start to make sense. The more you learn about Islam, the more you will realize how much everything makes sense. Everything is connected, the terrible and the wonderful, the loss and the gain, the bad times to the good times that will follow. Just call a Sunni mosque nearby (Islamic Society of your city or area) and say you want to learn about Islam. You can also start reading the Quran online. I pray that your emptiness in your heart will be filled. ❤
Erik, I felt that way for years. The only way I've felt any peace is by finding God and knowing that he loves me and made me and heaven awaits me, one day. I have so much joy in me now. I still have the black hole inside that pops up occasionally but God is processing that with me. He wants to heal us from that and pull out all that pain that's buried so deep. He'll fill it with his light when we process it. God bless you, in Jesus name. Know that he loves you intensely and will never forsake you. Xx
I am so happy that they are people out in the world that understand what adoptees go through when we feel like we don't belong in the family we were brought up in. I was adopted at 3 months old in Jamaica West Indies. I am mixed race. Before i was adopted i did not get held and nutured as a baby. I did not have the proper bonding as a baby which still affects me today. I was abused by my adopted parents sexually,physically,mentally and spiritually. This is one of the best videos on grief adoptees go through.😊🤗😊😢
My life started in an unwanted pregnancy, followed by adoption into a family broken by losing a biological child. My parents aren’t open to be being open about it and expect me to just pretend to be biological. I dont want to hurt their feelings, but i want my grief to be acknowledged. I dont want trying to find out who i am to be frowned upon anymore. May adopted Mom just said she always hoped they would be enough as a family for me which seems unfair. After having my own children i felt so many emotions. It sorta sucks being in a closed adoption just pretending you know your identity. Sure I had a great life but it started out of chaos and has remained chaotic ever since. Nurture is important but we can’t just forget nature. A sad adoptee wondering if she ever knows who she really is.
Disregard what your parents say AND DO YOU! I have struggled due to adopting issues for 31 years. This year I've done more work, and it's paying off. But you cannot get well while your family puts nonsense into your ear.
This is THE BEST talk on relinquishment /adoption that I have seen! Thank you so much! I have seen so much information on adoption but they have never addressed the pain of being relinquished, let alone the grief experienced by everyone involved. A special heartfelt thank you to Zara ❤️
Whilst I acknowledge the role of separation & the breaking of the maternal bond of mother & child - As a late discovery adoptee, I had no idea that my mother had been forced to give me up for adoption, whilst that is horrible and I am so sad for her, I can't imagine how traumatizing that was for her, but that is not the primary source of my grief - my Adoption and identity loss is - I relate to Zara's self harm and Ron's analogy of rage & anger, self harm & possibly retribution, that I also grew up with - I see Adoption as just another layer of trauma - Canceling the Birth Certificate & fabricating a "FAKE" Birth Certificate that says that I was born to adoptive parents is a unnecessary additional trauma inflicted on Adoptees. Putting aside the separation trauma, would we be talking about so much damage control or prevention if we didn't destroy a child's then adult's identity via Adoption on top of that primal wound?
Peter, do you mind if I ask you something? Of course you don´t have to reply if you don´t want to. I understand the circumstances of your adoption were extremely traumatic and that your birth certificate should never have been cancelled. It was all so wrong. But do you think that even in the best of circumstances the adoption itself is traumatic? Do you think children in orphanages should never be adopted? I am not being nosy and I certainly don´t want to be rude or hurt your feelings, I really want to know. I have started to work with children who are adopted and I want to understand and help as much as I can. I am so sorry about what you´ve gone through. Lots of love, M.
CHILDRENS “ PROTECTIVE” SERVICES CPS. causes more trauma to children by removing them from parents usually for profit. Our government funds cps and THEYRE very well paid at $35 /hour. To take babies from their parents and adopt them to others. Those children are subject to increased harm in most cases when this happens.
@@leftfinnedditto mine from 1968. And they accidentally cut off the right edge when copying the cut and paste job so I have never even known if my birth time is AM or PM.
I am a 36 yrs old transracial adoptee relinquished at birth. I have no contact with adoptive family since decades( it was hell). And I am unfortunately homosexual( like it wasnt already complicated for me). I have been homeless for years. My only family ever was my Dog, but she died years ago( not in my ❤). I dont know how long I ll endure this existence. It has been too awfull and cruel. It is not gonna get any better, as I am getting older, poorer, crazier and lonelier: I think I deserve to hug a puppy, have a good dinner( meaby cassoulet and a fraisier, I have been raised " french":), a nice walk by the sea and a sweet euthanasia. I am exhausted.
Dear fellow adopted human. Your message is felt. I am so sorry you have had this journey not in support of the light of your being. You're sharing here...I feel you. You are not alone in spirit.
“Older, poorer, crazier, and lonelier:” this could be the unofficial slogan for adult adoptees worldwide! I hope a new dog finds you, and perhaps a good home will come along eventually as well.
Yeah, wtf. Do they have corporate donors who are afraid of a lawsuit if they step on the wrong toes?!? That statement doesn’t jive at all with the rest of the talk.
Yes, I can relate to this conversation at 30:34. My adoptive mother liked to remind me that I was the unwanted result of a mortal sin. I, of course should be forever grateful for their moral act. It gave them both a free pass on bad behaviour towards me. It all backfired and came to a head when I was about 14.
I felt grief pretty much every day. I envied those less complicated humans. Why was I always sad inside?! There was no study nor words for the trauma and grief that I have felt every day. Thank you everyone for now acknowledging the harm done to us when our mums were forced and pressured in the 1950s- 1980s to give us away
I was adopted and am so glad people are finally addressing adoptee grief and suicide. It’s been a public health crisis that no one seems to care about at all. As long as rich infertile white folks get their babies in a timely fashion, no one gave a damn how losing our mothers, fathers and entire genetic identity would affect us. I wasn’t adopted, I was trafficked. I didn’t agree to anything, much less being taken away from my own mother for the rest of my life. I don’t understand why people don’t have more empathy for us instead of ignoring our loss and telling us we “should be grateful.”For me, being adopted is like a never ending dirt sandwich.
Agree! I was sold. Agencies didn’t send babies to the most loving homes; they sent them to “good ones paper” couples who could afford a baby. It is trafficking. What’s in the best interest of the baby (and eventual adult) doesn’t even enter into it.
Thank you all for doing this. And thank you Zara. The part where you talk about the cellular memory and got emotional, about your experience as a mother and your birthmother's grief and her getting angry at you for having children. This was my exact experience. All of it. Wow. I feel very seen, and I am so grateful for you guys doing this work.
Thanks everyone who contributed to this ,this is vital important work and discussion that all adoptees need to hear and help us all feel validated . We all suffer sadness ,loneliness and sometimes despair and struggle to even find the will to carry on . I'm 62 now and still can't really make sense of it all and I read the Primal Wound twenty years or so ago . That book just confirmed everything I somehow already knew but was not really conscious of ,I've always had a strong feeling that there was someone else living inside me that I was disconnected from . Thankyou everyone for this ,and best wishes to all adoptees from Nick . God Bless us all .
I''m 70 and still dealing with the after effects. I've got Primal Wound on the way and hope it will help. I've just had 3 medical pros tell me that my physical illnesses are the result of unresolved and unacknowledged grief. First, I thought "Didn't I deal with the death of my husband adequately?" Then, I thought, "Well, yes I did, but maybe I didn't deal adequately with the loss of my career and my freedom after having a terrible bout with illness some 30 years ago," and then it finally surfaced! I've never dealt with being abandoned by my birth mother, placed in a Foundlings Home in a bassinet with a metal mesh top to keep me inside it, then adopted at 9 months into a frightening household where I felt my life was always in danger. I never grieved any of this! I was told not to. I was told that I was a "chosen child" and that I was lucky, as so many of you have also experienced. My sympathies and understanding to all of you who like myself, were never helped through the grieving process. I pray that videos such as this will minimize the trauma for those being adopted now and in the future.
Thank you so much for all of this information. Our little lady is three and is now adopted. She came into our home at two days of age as a foster child. She’s been going to the same day care/preschool for two years and gets terribly upset at drop off every. I mean …clawing at my clothes and begging me not to leave. She assures me that her teachers and friends are nice but says that she misses me too much. It’s all making sense now…
Certain people should not have or get children for adaption at all. Adaption always sucks if the wrong people think they can just adopt children like they use to do it with their pets from the shelter or next store in the neighbourhood.
as a foreign adoptee this is all beyond accurate of my life. I am 21 years old and still struggle with these feelings on a day to day basis. I was with my family for a month before they gave me up. but holy crap you guys hit every point so accurately with this. thank you for making this video and sharing it, i am in absolute tears over this. thank you. thank you. for this. seriously. thank you.
Well done to everone on this panel, incredible observations regarding adoptions. Between you, youve just explained 90% of my experience. Im 54, adopted at birth in 1969. As a child I was reminded on more than one occasion by aunties that I should think myself a very lucky boy to have been saved from care, being adopted by such good parents. I always kept my mouth shut, smiled back and agreed, but deep down I absolutely knew that I been very unlucky. So much so that to this day I dont believe in luck. Luck is just hindsight fooling you, I say. The thing I struggle with these days as a middle aged man is, on a day to day basis Im just me. When Im at work, at home or out and about, Im just me. The only time Im that adopted kid is when Im at mom n dads, or with siblings. I also wonder just how adopted l'll actually feel when my adoptive parents have both passed away. In some ways it feels like my birth mother gave me up on day one, and now lm going to give up adoption when my parents pass. I ask myself, how adopted are you once the people who adopted you are no longer around. ?
This is a great discussion, however I wonder how many adoptees are actually “pro life” supporters??? For me as an adoptee, I find it quite offensive. Our life is constant grief, which I can understand the high suicide rates, as I have constantly which I was aborted.
I'm a pro-life adoptee! How could we determine the value of someone's life because we assume "they'll just suffer.' Giving the baby no say in it and no chance. I was reading online though and it seemed kinda common for adoptees to be pro-choice. I'm pro-choice for people to use and access birth control + make consensual decisions with sex. Not for taking away someone else's life because 2 people weren't responsible.
My mother was one that did not want to reunite or remember and she had more children. She says she was raped. My father denied this. Is this rare? Her not wanting to reunite?
I have heard countless stories of women refusing to meet, and just as cruel meeting the child they legally abandoned only to ghost them a second time. As for your your bio mother being raped- I urge u to tread with caution. I have heard more stories of adoptees finding out rape was NOT part of their narrative than the other way around. I am not trying to sound callous but sometimes these sob story narratives are ways these women can convince themselves that they too are blameless.
I will add that an adoption therapist who is regularly interviewed on UA-cam admitted that she has also witnessed bio mothers making claims years later when they were "found." Ask yourself how you would tell a loved one something that traumatizing? But dumping that on an adoptee and running smells toxic to me...
It's too late for me I've turned seventy today and my mother died a few years ago. There are some cousins around but I can't see if meeting them will do us any good.
Do you think that it's the adoptee has the right to dismiss the painful experiences of other people in their life because being adopted is the most painful experience anyone could ever have and if you weren't adopted you need to get over your pain. I ask because I want to be there for this person who's an adult adoptee but they havent ever been there for me and they minimize and dismiss my feelings . They say it's because they're pain is far worse then mine and I don't know suffering, they do. I need to get over my feelings. This has made it hard for me to be sympathetic because of this and I'm wondering if they're pain is more valid. What do you think?
Taylor, I don't understand how anyone could objectively say that their pain is worse than anyone else's. Pain is a subjective thing, IMHO. I say this as someone who is an adoptee, who has suffered in ways I didn't even understand for 70 years. Don't let anyone tell you that your pain isn't as important as theirs. You are a unique and special human being, and as deserving of love and safety as any of us. It is a quite popular catch phrase these days, but I think this applies: You are being "gas-lighted".
In my mind I don't see a woman discarding an unwanted baby, I see a young girl with a broken heart her back against a wall being forced to give up her baby by the evil Catholic Church.
That's often true but a baby still feels terrible pain from the separation and doesn't know that. My mind always understood my mother had no choice but my soul was broken in the process and only through prayer and courage have I found any kind of wholeness. Good point though! We are complex beings. Sensitive people get hit even harder with this, especially if romantic relationships don't last.
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I am still reeling in pain at finding out a few years ago at age 57 that I had been adopted in Europe and never told by my adoptive parents who passed yrs ago. My brother David called me late one night from NY to tell me he had shocking news to tell me. He said he was cleaning out our dad' s NY apartment and found my adoption docs. I was born to a French Jew from Strasbourg named Jenny Levy in Baumholder Germany in 1957 and adopted at 3 months old.Even had a different name but my adoptive parents changed it in court in France. Im angry and hurt because I feel cheated at not knowing my birth family. Im angry I didnt have a good happy life with my adoptive parents- who spoke fluent French, Yiddish and Hebrew but they didnt teach me any of them. I have taken 3 dna tests and also have a very important memoir from relatives in Israel , written by my birth mother about her life before, during and after the war and escape from the Nazis. I wish I had known my real birth mother who passed in Jerusalem in 2003 before I knew about her. Found out I had a bio sister who was born in 1959 and adopted by our birth fathers sister in the US. I am still so sad.
Your adopted parents were cruel. They should have told you that you were adopted. You have the right to know who your birth parents are. I am sorry you did not get to bond with your birth family.
Good lord you guys have hit every nail on the head. I hung on to every single word. I'm in tears listening to you guys speak. You spoke about every single feeling that i carry around every single day my entire life. God dam i wish i could let it go&forget all about it, but i can't. I have a deep dark hole inside of me that i can't not explain. It rears is ugly head in every single part of my life. I was adopted at 6months &I gotta say i absolutely hate it! Don't get me wrong, I love my mom&dad who raised me. I'm so grateful they did. They gave me such a better life. Couldn't be more thankful. It was an (in family adoption). They were such beautiful ppl.i also have two older sisters who were biological daughters to my adopted parents which made us a family of 5. They were 6 & 8yrs older then I was. I've always felt like an outsider. Nvr really fit in. I've hated my older sisters my entire life. As long as i can remember, that's the only feeling I've had for them. They were so mean to me. Nvr let me forget I was adopted. They use to flip thru magazines to find the ugliest freak show of a woman&say this is your real mom. I remember it like it was yesterday. We nvr once said I love you. Nvr any kind words of encouragement. No support. I haven't seen them in about ten years. My parents did the best they could with what they had. They loved me, fed me,&treated me like i was their own kid. But the real deep emotional needs really weren't met. I've always wanted a family of my own. I now see that it just ain't gonna happen for me. I hate this emptiness inside of me. It's affected my entire life. The older I get the harder it is. I'm struggling to find myself, to find love, or to find someone to just make some kinda connection with. My anxiety & depression is outa control. Stopped seeking anything romantic bc when it don't work out it absolutely kills me. When ppl come&go outta my life hits me way diff then most ppl. It really hurts deep down inside. Almost like a death. I truly grieve the absence of the person outa my life. My abandonment & trust issues cut deep to my core. I nvr thought in a million years Id grow up to no family, borderline basket headcase,&spend pretty 80%of my life alone. Prisoner in my own head. This is the first time I've ever spoke about this to anyone or online. Major big step for me. Anyways, adoption sucks! You guys did such a great job in this video. I wish I had access to all of you for some real help. It seems like I'm headed down a dark path&I'm so scared. Plz pray for me. Thanks for the info. God bless you guys.
Erik, I´ll be praying for you. Is there any way you can get support? I so hope you find the help you need and things get better for you. Sending lots of love you way, M.
Dear Erik, please come to Islam. You will find the family you never had and you will find the deepest connection with God (Allah is the Arabic word for God, not a different God). It will all start to make sense. The more you learn about Islam, the more you will realize how much everything makes sense. Everything is connected, the terrible and the wonderful, the loss and the gain, the bad times to the good times that will follow. Just call a Sunni mosque nearby (Islamic Society of your city or area) and say you want to learn about Islam. You can also start reading the Quran online. I pray that your emptiness in your heart will be filled. ❤
Erik, I felt that way for years. The only way I've felt any peace is by finding God and knowing that he loves me and made me and heaven awaits me, one day. I have so much joy in me now. I still have the black hole inside that pops up occasionally but God is processing that with me. He wants to heal us from that and pull out all that pain that's buried so deep. He'll fill it with his light when we process it. God bless you, in Jesus name. Know that he loves you intensely and will never forsake you. Xx
@@ruthward4734 thank you. I felt this. It made me cry. The Lord is working with me.
4:53 that really got me. even if they're brought up in a happy home it doesn't cancel out the grief felt
I am so happy that they are people out in the world that understand what adoptees go through when we feel like we don't belong in the family we were brought up in. I was adopted at 3 months old in Jamaica West Indies. I am mixed race. Before i was adopted i did not get held and nutured as a baby. I did not have the proper bonding as a baby which still affects me today. I was abused by my adopted parents sexually,physically,mentally and spiritually. This is one of the best videos on grief adoptees go through.😊🤗😊😢
My life started in an unwanted pregnancy, followed by adoption into a family broken by losing a biological child. My parents aren’t open to be being open about it and expect me to just pretend to be biological. I dont want to hurt their feelings, but i want my grief to be acknowledged. I dont want trying to find out who i am to be frowned upon anymore. May adopted Mom just said she always hoped they would be enough as a family for me which seems unfair. After having my own children i felt so many emotions. It sorta sucks being in a closed adoption just pretending you know your identity. Sure I had a great life but it started out of chaos and has remained chaotic ever since. Nurture is important but we can’t just forget nature. A sad adoptee wondering if she ever knows who she really is.
Disregard what your parents say AND DO YOU! I have struggled due to adopting issues for 31 years. This year I've done more work, and it's paying off. But you cannot get well while your family puts nonsense into your ear.
I was adopted as a baby then sent away to boarding school at the age of seven...a very strange and disassociated childhood.
This is THE BEST talk on relinquishment /adoption that I have seen! Thank you so much! I have seen so much information on adoption but they have never addressed the pain of being relinquished, let alone the grief experienced by everyone involved. A special heartfelt thank you to Zara ❤️
Whilst I acknowledge the role of separation & the breaking of the maternal bond of mother & child - As a late discovery adoptee, I had no idea that my mother had been forced to give me up for adoption, whilst that is horrible and I am so sad for her, I can't imagine how traumatizing that was for her, but that is not the primary source of my grief - my Adoption and identity loss is - I relate to Zara's self harm and Ron's analogy of rage & anger, self harm & possibly retribution, that I also grew up with - I see Adoption as just another layer of trauma - Canceling the Birth Certificate & fabricating a "FAKE" Birth Certificate that says that I was born to adoptive parents is a unnecessary additional trauma inflicted on Adoptees. Putting aside the separation trauma, would we be talking about so much damage control or prevention if we didn't destroy a child's then adult's identity via Adoption on top of that primal wound?
My birth certificate from the 70s closed adoption literally looks like a cut and paste job
Peter, do you mind if I ask you something? Of course you don´t have to reply if you don´t want to. I understand the circumstances of your adoption were extremely traumatic and that your birth certificate should never have been cancelled. It was all so wrong. But do you think that even in the best of circumstances the adoption itself is traumatic? Do you think children in orphanages should never be adopted? I am not being nosy and I certainly don´t want to be rude or hurt your feelings, I really want to know. I have started to work with children who are adopted and I want to understand and help as much as I can. I am so sorry about what you´ve gone through. Lots of love, M.
CHILDRENS “ PROTECTIVE” SERVICES CPS. causes more trauma to children by removing them from parents usually for profit. Our government funds cps and THEYRE very well paid at $35 /hour. To take babies from their parents and adopt them to others. Those children are subject to increased harm in most cases when this happens.
So true!!!
@@leftfinnedditto mine from 1968. And they accidentally cut off the right edge when copying the cut and paste job so I have never even known if my birth time is AM or PM.
I am a 36 yrs old transracial adoptee relinquished at birth.
I have no contact with adoptive family since decades( it was hell).
And I am unfortunately homosexual( like it wasnt already complicated for me).
I have been homeless for years.
My only family ever was my Dog, but she died years ago( not in my ❤).
I dont know how long I ll endure this existence. It has been too awfull and cruel. It is not gonna get any better, as I am getting older, poorer, crazier and lonelier:
I think I deserve to hug a puppy, have a good dinner( meaby cassoulet and a fraisier, I have been raised " french":), a nice walk by the sea and a sweet euthanasia.
I am exhausted.
Dear fellow adopted human. Your message is felt. I am so sorry you have had this journey not in support of the light of your being. You're sharing here...I feel you. You are not alone in spirit.
Turn to Jesus, he understands everything. He'll give you identity and purpose and tons of love. Please!!!
“Older, poorer, crazier, and lonelier:” this could be the unofficial slogan for adult adoptees worldwide!
I hope a new dog finds you, and perhaps a good home will come along eventually as well.
I love and appreciate you as a fellow dog mom, and hope you get another dog to love.
Adoption doesn't just cause grief. It causes trauma. "Not inferring that adoption causes grief". 🙄
Yeah, wtf. Do they have corporate donors who are afraid of a lawsuit if they step on the wrong toes?!?
That statement doesn’t jive at all with the rest of the talk.
My new term for “adoptee” is “legally trafficked child” or LTC. Enjoy
Yes, I can relate to this conversation at 30:34. My adoptive mother liked to remind me that I was the unwanted result of a mortal sin. I, of course should be forever grateful for their moral act. It gave them both a free pass on bad behaviour towards me. It all backfired and came to a head when I was about 14.
One of the most comprehensive talks about adoption Iv ever heard!!!
I felt grief pretty much every day. I envied those less complicated humans. Why was I always sad inside?! There was no study nor words for the trauma and grief that I have felt every day. Thank you everyone for now acknowledging the harm done to us when our mums were forced and pressured in the 1950s- 1980s to give us away
I was adopted and am so glad people are finally addressing adoptee grief and suicide. It’s been a public health crisis that no one seems to care about at all. As long as rich infertile white folks get their babies in a timely fashion, no one gave a damn how losing our mothers, fathers and entire genetic identity would affect us. I wasn’t adopted, I was trafficked. I didn’t agree to anything, much less being taken away from my own mother for the rest of my life. I don’t understand why people don’t have more empathy for us instead of ignoring our loss and telling us we “should be grateful.”For me, being adopted is like a never ending dirt sandwich.
Agree! I was sold. Agencies didn’t send babies to the most loving homes; they sent them to “good ones paper” couples who could afford a baby. It is trafficking. What’s in the best interest of the baby (and eventual adult) doesn’t even enter into it.
Thank you all for doing this. And thank you Zara. The part where you talk about the cellular memory and got emotional, about your experience as a mother and your birthmother's grief and her getting angry at you for having children. This was my exact experience. All of it. Wow. I feel very seen, and I am so grateful for you guys doing this work.
Thanks everyone who contributed to this ,this is vital important work and discussion that all adoptees need to hear and help us all feel validated . We all suffer sadness ,loneliness and sometimes despair and struggle to even find the will to carry on . I'm 62 now and still can't really make sense of it all and I read the Primal Wound twenty years or so ago . That book just confirmed everything I somehow already knew but was not really conscious of ,I've always had a strong feeling that there was someone else living inside me that I was disconnected from . Thankyou everyone for this ,and best wishes to all adoptees from Nick . God Bless us all .
God bless. Hugs ❤❤
I''m 70 and still dealing with the after effects. I've got Primal Wound on the way and hope it will help. I've just had 3 medical pros tell me that my physical illnesses are the result of unresolved and unacknowledged grief. First, I thought "Didn't I deal with the death of my husband adequately?" Then, I thought, "Well, yes I did, but maybe I didn't deal adequately with the loss of my career and my freedom after having a terrible bout with illness some 30 years ago," and then it finally surfaced! I've never dealt with being abandoned by my birth mother, placed in a Foundlings Home in a bassinet with a metal mesh top to keep me inside it, then adopted at 9 months into a frightening household where I felt my life was always in danger. I never grieved any of this! I was told not to. I was told that I was a "chosen child" and that I was lucky, as so many of you have also experienced. My sympathies and understanding to all of you who like myself, were never helped through the grieving process. I pray that videos such as this will minimize the trauma for those being adopted now and in the future.
Thank you so much for all of this information. Our little lady is three and is now adopted. She came into our home at two days of age as a foster child. She’s been going to the same day care/preschool for two years and gets terribly upset at drop off every. I mean …clawing at my clothes and begging me not to leave. She assures me that her teachers and friends are nice but says that she misses me too
much. It’s all making sense now…
Certain people should not have or get children for adaption at all. Adaption always sucks if the wrong people think they can just adopt children like they use to do it with their pets from the shelter or next store in the neighbourhood.
as a foreign adoptee this is all beyond accurate of my life. I am 21 years old and still struggle with these feelings on a day to day basis. I was with my family for a month before they gave me up. but holy crap you guys hit every point so accurately with this. thank you for making this video and sharing it, i am in absolute tears over this. thank you. thank you. for this. seriously. thank you.
Well done to everone on this panel, incredible observations regarding adoptions.
Between you, youve just explained 90% of my experience.
Im 54, adopted at birth in 1969.
As a child I was reminded on more than one occasion by aunties that I should think myself a very lucky boy to have been saved from care, being adopted by such good parents.
I always kept my mouth shut, smiled back and agreed, but deep down I absolutely knew that I been very unlucky. So much so that to this day I dont believe in luck.
Luck is just hindsight fooling you, I say.
The thing I struggle with these days as a middle aged man is, on a day to day basis Im just me. When Im at work, at home or out and about, Im just me. The only time Im that adopted kid is when Im at mom n dads, or with siblings.
I also wonder just how adopted l'll actually feel when my adoptive parents have both passed away.
In some ways it feels like my birth mother gave me up on day one, and now lm going to give up adoption when my parents pass.
I ask myself, how adopted are you once the people who adopted you are no longer around. ?
They mention conventions for adoptees….where can I find info on this? Where can I find counseling in my area specifically for adoptees?
Excellent bit about birth mothers:
@20:50
This is a great discussion, however I wonder how many adoptees are actually “pro life” supporters??? For me as an adoptee, I find it quite offensive. Our life is constant grief, which I can understand the high suicide rates, as I have constantly which I was aborted.
I’m absolutely pro life. I can’t imagine destroying a little baby
Some animals do reject eg. Horse and foul. Where another mare takes over.
I'm a pro-life adoptee! How could we determine the value of someone's life because we assume "they'll just suffer.' Giving the baby no say in it and no chance.
I was reading online though and it seemed kinda common for adoptees to be pro-choice. I'm pro-choice for people to use and access birth control + make consensual decisions with sex. Not for taking away someone else's life because 2 people weren't responsible.
@@deanodebo same ❤
My mother was one that did not want to reunite or remember and she had more children. She says she was raped. My father denied this. Is this rare? Her not wanting to reunite?
I have heard countless stories of women refusing to meet, and just as cruel meeting the child they legally abandoned only to ghost them a second time. As for your your bio mother being raped- I urge u to tread with caution. I have heard more stories of adoptees finding out rape was NOT part of their narrative than the other way around. I am not trying to sound callous but sometimes these sob story narratives are ways these women can convince themselves that they too are blameless.
I will add that an adoption therapist who is regularly interviewed on UA-cam admitted that she has also witnessed bio mothers making claims years later when they were "found." Ask yourself how you would tell a loved one something that traumatizing? But dumping that on an adoptee and running smells toxic to me...
Super cruel. And this is what I was told as well. I don’t believe it
It's too late for me I've turned seventy today and my mother died a few years ago. There are some cousins around but I can't see if meeting them will do us any good.
Are the natural family's grief and trauma erased from the discussion as usual?
Notably absent are the feelings of natural father and natural siblings, step family, etc
29:33 wow! 30:20
Do you think that it's the adoptee has the right to dismiss the painful experiences of other people in their life because being adopted is the most painful experience anyone could ever have and if you weren't adopted you need to get over your pain. I ask because I want to be there for this person who's an adult adoptee but they havent ever been there for me and they minimize and dismiss my feelings . They say it's because they're pain is far worse then mine and I don't know suffering, they do. I need to get over my feelings. This has made it hard for me to be sympathetic because of this and I'm wondering if they're pain is more valid. What do you think?
Taylor, I don't understand how anyone could objectively say that their pain is worse than anyone else's. Pain is a subjective thing, IMHO. I say this as someone who is an adoptee, who has suffered in ways I didn't even understand for 70 years. Don't let anyone tell you that your pain isn't as important as theirs. You are a unique and special human being, and as deserving of love and safety as any of us. It is a quite popular catch phrase these days, but I think this applies: You are being "gas-lighted".
In my mind I don't see a woman discarding an unwanted baby, I see a young girl with a broken heart her back against a wall being forced to give up her baby by the evil Catholic Church.
That's often true but a baby still feels terrible pain from the separation and doesn't know that. My mind always understood my mother had no choice but my soul was broken in the process and only through prayer and courage have I found any kind of wholeness. Good point though! We are complex beings. Sensitive people get hit even harder with this, especially if romantic relationships don't last.
Pretty much nobody is forced. They give up babies for all sorts of reasons, and they decide to do it. They’re not forced
I live in Hertfordshire Essex border and I'm trying to find an adoption counseller ,can anyone please help me with this ,many thanks ,Nick Turnbull .
You can contribute by not buying kids