Відео

Thank you for this - it makes me feel seen

This is wild as a late discovery adoptee. I was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, Substance Use Disorder, depression and anxiety all by the time I was 18. I didn't know the extent of the trauma I carried until my early 40's when I found out I was adopted through 23 and Me. This stuff is so hard.

I think this is a very powerful talk. I've heard him before. And l think this knowledge is becoming 1:27:31 I however disagree on a couple of points 1)The place of biological Fathers"s in relinquishing. Siting primates and evolution. The grief is similar because it's the lost of lineage....men can now bottle feed. I've never meet my BF but l just know l feal more connected to him. 2) he tries as a therapist imply that our trauma is much the same universally. When it's a specific specialised topic of ptsd, ....its a trauma within a trauma. I feel he tries to normalise this. Thus minimising. 3) he speaks to is around his trauma waiting at an airport and his great fear. Adoptee trauma is far more intense. I think Paul Sutherland is better as he recognises this in more detail. Whilst l like life choice life....again a bit dismissive. I like the connection as a real person to Mother Earth 🌎 and the universe..or..our ancestors Choice for us to live. He is an expert on Trauma of course and we'll respected. But, there are some subtle differences within the adoption triangle, our shared loss and grief . But Hay great to hear those thanks so much Sarah. 🙏 Christine Andrews aka Christina Barry-Graham.x

Addiction, alcoholism, broken relationships and methadone for seventy years but the penny never dropped until I saw a short clip of Gabor in the zeitgeist movie and BINGO trauma of adoption. Even now I can hear people, relatives saying "hold on you are seventy, get over it". IDIOTS!

Alessandra Pritie Maria Barzaghi è un'infame.

A lot of people are suffering in silence. If anyone needs it, there's a mindfulness book called 30 Days to Overcome Suicidal Thoughts by Harper Daniels.

Excellent bit about birth mothers: @20:50

Omg. The grieving starts when the reunion begins. Truer words are not spoken. You finally can let go. You can talk. You can cry. You’ve been bottling up everything for so so long. AND I thought I wouldn’t be adopted anymore. And I was so despondent to realise that I was still an F’ing adoptee

I felt grief pretty much every day. I envied those less complicated humans. Why was I always sad inside?! There was no study nor words for the trauma and grief that I have felt every day. Thank you everyone for now acknowledging the harm done to us when our mums were forced and pressured in the 1950s- 1980s to give us away

You can contribute by not buying kids

You think that adoption doesn't cause greif?!? Then how come we have over four times the rate of suicide attempts. Suicidal people are grieving

Thank you

Thank you all for doing this. And thank you Zara. The part where you talk about the cellular memory and got emotional, about your experience as a mother and your birthmother's grief and her getting angry at you for having children. This was my exact experience. All of it. Wow. I feel very seen, and I am so grateful for you guys doing this work. <3

“Relinquisment is the Trauma” On that line, I threw my wooden chair on the wall. Now my chair is broken. Like many other things I break almost every week. I am a 25 years old adoptee from the Philippines, was adopted at 1 year an a half by a canadian couple. Part of a family of 6 children. Am the only one adopted. Am going throught mostprobably the darkest part of my life. I am filled with Rage & Depression. Never had sucidal thoughts, but I am just... just sad; & lost. Therapy doesn't work for me. I don't know what to do. My biological mother was r🥀ped at age of 13, than gave me the name Emmanuel. Why? I don't know. I know nothing. It's killing me.

4:53 that really got me. even if they're brought up in a happy home it doesn't cancel out the grief felt

Can relate to so much. It is the extreme reactions that are hard to deal with although I have got a lot better at recognising and reducing them.

This was so amazing to hear each comment made and be able to think about it in a different outlook. I adopted a child at birth it was the most amazing experience of my life ! He’s 31 now and he is an incredible person. We have an amazing relationship. I lost my husband when my son was 12 years old so he had to deal with that also. And he was in a lot of counseling for the illness and the loss. But never the adoption. But I see hurt in his eyes, I see anger going sideways. I wish I could fix a couple things but you told me I did a couple things right and I’m so grateful! I feel so much better. Now for my child to feel better and you, Dr Gabor Mate’ have just been a God’s blessing. Thank you. I can’t stop listening to you. Everything is so intriguing and so spot on in my son’s life and in my trauma, I had as a child. And now understand my asthma. Thank you, Dr. Gabor Mate’!!! To the lady who I didn’t catch her name. What a wonderful fantasy to have. I pray you achieve that in your lifetime. Thank you both immensely.

Do you think that it's the adoptee has the right to dismiss the painful experiences of other people in their life because being adopted is the most painful experience anyone could ever have and if you weren't adopted you need to get over your pain. I ask because I want to be there for this person who's an adult adoptee but they havent ever been there for me and they minimize and dismiss my feelings . They say it's because they're pain is far worse then mine and I don't know suffering, they do. I need to get over my feelings. This has made it hard for me to be sympathetic because of this and I'm wondering if they're pain is more valid. What do you think?

Are the natural family's grief and trauma erased from the discussion as usual?

Certain people should not have or get children for adaption at all. Adaption always sucks if the wrong people think they can just adopt children like they use to do it with their pets from the shelter or next store in the neighbourhood.

I was adopted and am so glad people are finally addressing adoptee grief and suicide. It’s been a public health crisis that no one seems to care about at all. As long as rich infertile white folks get their babies in a timely fashion, no one gave a damn how losing our mothers, fathers and entire genetic identity would affect us. I wasn’t adopted, I was trafficked. I didn’t agree to anything, much less being taken away from my own mother for the rest of my life. I don’t understand why people don’t have more empathy for us instead of ignoring our loss and telling us we “should be grateful.”For me, being adopted is like a never ending dirt sandwich.

Adoption doesn't just cause grief. It causes trauma. "Not inferring that adoption causes grief". 🙄

Emotions embedded in the nervous system. This makes so much sense! Taken from mother at birth. In foster care until 3mos. At age 5-6 having heard kids talk about when their parents brought them home from the hospital, I asked my adoptive mom if I went home with them. She said I was with a foster family. I asked Did I have a name? What did they call me? She said No, they just called you Baby. So I was nothing, nobody. The only identity I had was what my adoptive parents gave me. But I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

I am a 36 yrs old transracial adoptee relinquished at birth. I have no contact with adoptive family since decades( it was hell). And I am unfortunately homosexual( like it wasnt already complicated for me). I have been homeless for years. My only family ever was my Dog, but she died years ago( not in my ❤). I dont know how long I ll endure this existence. It has been too awfull and cruel. It is not gonna get any better, as I am getting older, poorer, crazier and lonelier: I think I deserve to hug a puppy, have a good dinner( meaby cassoulet and a fraisier, I have been raised " french":), a nice walk by the sea and a sweet euthanasia. I am exhausted.

I was adopted as a baby then sent away to boarding school at the age of seven...a very strange and disassociated childhood.

In my mind I don't see a woman discarding an unwanted baby, I see a young girl with a broken heart her back against a wall being forced to give up her baby by the evil Catholic Church.

It's too late for me I've turned seventy today and my mother died a few years ago. There are some cousins around but I can't see if meeting them will do us any good.

I was an older child adoptee. My father committed suicide when I was 3. My mother told the neighbors she killed him. My sister, brother and I were put into foster care. Two years later my mother relinquished the now four of us. An alcoholic aunt kept us for awhile until she died. Seven years later, the four of us were adopted by a family that had three older daughters. I wrote this song with a couple of friends : ua-cam.com/video/PZZIJs1qaDM/v-deo.html

I cried and she felt inadequate. She thought I would have opportunities, so she gave me to an agency. I was placed at 4weeks. My life has been terribly difficult. I always make self destructive choices. I will never be ok. It’s always a struggle. It will never be over. I just wanted a hug and will never get one.😢as an infant, learning to soothe ourselves from birth…. It’s probably one of the worst things you can put someone through. Lying in the dark screaming… and no one comes. And the person you are screaming for will never be coming back. It creates an awful foundation. Abandonment on the bottom doesn’t make for a solid structure. I will forever be broken.

as a foreign adoptee this is all beyond accurate of my life. I am 21 years old and still struggle with these feelings on a day to day basis. I was with my family for a month before they gave me up. but holy crap you guys hit every point so accurately with this. thank you for making this video and sharing it, i am in absolute tears over this. thank you. thank you. for this. seriously. thank you.

Im so glad people are talking about adoption. Thank you to all these elders!!!!

ua-cam.com/video/3e0-SsmOUJI/v-deo.html

This is a great discussion, however I wonder how many adoptees are actually “pro life” supporters??? For me as an adoptee, I find it quite offensive. Our life is constant grief, which I can understand the high suicide rates, as I have constantly which I was aborted.

I am mixed race.

Dr.Mate you hit every subject on the nail. Thank you for explaining everything clearly. I was adopted at 3 months old in Jamaica West Indies in 1974. My adopted parents were sexually,physically,mentally and spirituality abusive which compound ed the trauma. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

I am so happy that they are people out in the world that understand what adoptees go through when we feel like we don't belong in the family we were brought up in. I was adopted at 3 months old in Jamaica West Indies. I am mixed race. Before i was adopted i did not get held and nutured as a baby. I did not have the proper bonding as a baby which still affects me today. I was abused by my adopted parents sexually,physically,mentally and spiritually. This is one of the best videos on grief adoptees go through.😊🤗😊😢

Yes, I can relate to this conversation at 30:34. My adoptive mother liked to remind me that I was the unwanted result of a mortal sin. I, of course should be forever grateful for their moral act. It gave them both a free pass on bad behaviour towards me. It all backfired and came to a head when I was about 14.

Thank you so much for all of this information. Our little lady is three and is now adopted. She came into our home at two days of age as a foster child. She’s been going to the same day care/preschool for two years and gets terribly upset at drop off every. I mean …clawing at my clothes and begging me not to leave. She assures me that her teachers and friends are nice but says that she misses me too much. It’s all making sense now…

How can anyone argue with this, spot ON! - mch appreciated - Pink Adoptee x

There is a very strong possibility my 3 granddaughters will shortly be adopted. They are very young and I want to become their guardian but i think it will not be allowed. I have deep distress that they will be adopted and we will never see them again.

Well done to everone on this panel, incredible observations regarding adoptions. Between you, youve just explained 90% of my experience. Im 54, adopted at birth in 1969. As a child I was reminded on more than one occasion by aunties that I should think myself a very lucky boy to have been saved from care, being adopted by such good parents. I always kept my mouth shut, smiled back and agreed, but deep down I absolutely knew that I been very unlucky. So much so that to this day I dont believe in luck. Luck is just hindsight fooling you, I say. The thing I struggle with these days as a middle aged man is, on a day to day basis Im just me. When Im at work, at home or out and about, Im just me. The only time Im that adopted kid is when Im at mom n dads, or with siblings. I also wonder just how adopted l'll actually feel when my adoptive parents have both passed away. In some ways it feels like my birth mother gave me up on day one, and now lm going to give up adoption when my parents pass. I ask myself, how adopted are you once the people who adopted you are no longer around. ?

CHILDRENS “PROTECTIVE” services do way more harm to all involved!! NOT protective by any stretch of the imagination. It’s all for profit. They WILL answer to God for their wrong doings!!

So I'm dealing with my fiance who is adopted Andrew suddenly. We just met his birth mother which at 1st was fine but then her behavior turned very quickly to seem sexual towards him. Which now I'm learning is called genetic sexual attraction. I literally confronted her and told her that she made me uncomfortable and needed to stop she continued to do it and then I just informed her. Family her children hurt siblings of her behavior it was an extremely uncomfortable situation. And she was causing tons of problems in my relationship of 12 years. Do you know a specialist who could deal with this am a widow? My husband suffered from bipolar disorder and took his life in 2011. So when anyone comes into my life with dysfunction I immediately can feel? The person it's probably coming with harm she wouldn't admit her behavior she made. It seem like I was crazy and then she even made him really uncomfortable enough for him to say something to her. I would love to have no contact with her at all. But I am trying to be there for my fiance which I truly love. If you have any counseling that maybe would help please fill me and thank you so much

29:33 wow! 30:20

I live in Hertfordshire Essex border and I'm trying to find an adoption counseller ,can anyone please help me with this ,many thanks ,Nick Turnbull .

Thanks everyone who contributed to this ,this is vital important work and discussion that all adoptees need to hear and help us all feel validated . We all suffer sadness ,loneliness and sometimes despair and struggle to even find the will to carry on . I'm 62 now and still can't really make sense of it all and I read the Primal Wound twenty years or so ago . That book just confirmed everything I somehow already knew but was not really conscious of ,I've always had a strong feeling that there was someone else living inside me that I was disconnected from . Thankyou everyone for this ,and best wishes to all adoptees from Nick . God Bless us all .

Scusate se scrivo in italiano ho appena conosciuto la mia mamma biologica la mia storia abbastanza inquietante ho scoperto che mamma è stata ingannata una suora ha raccontato a lei che io ero morto quando sono nato. Ai miei genitori adottivi hanno raccontato che lei era morta.

They mention conventions for adoptees….where can I find info on this? Where can I find counseling in my area specifically for adoptees?

My life started in an unwanted pregnancy, followed by adoption into a family broken by losing a biological child. My parents aren’t open to be being open about it and expect me to just pretend to be biological. I dont want to hurt their feelings, but i want my grief to be acknowledged. I dont want trying to find out who i am to be frowned upon anymore. May adopted Mom just said she always hoped they would be enough as a family for me which seems unfair. After having my own children i felt so many emotions. It sorta sucks being in a closed adoption just pretending you know your identity. Sure I had a great life but it started out of chaos and has remained chaotic ever since. Nurture is important but we can’t just forget nature. A sad adoptee wondering if she ever knows who she really is.

Thank you so much for this talk. I'd very much like to receive a list of resource materials you mentioned at the end. Such Gratitude.