How often do you experience autistic meltdowns and/or shutdown? The most popular answer in the study was once or twice a month, but there were lots of people who said they experience them once a year or numerous times per week too. Hopefully this video will be helpful for those of you who aren’t sure if you have meltdowns and also makes those of you who do feel less alone. They can be really hard to talk about. If you missed last week’s video, we discussed whether it’s appropriate to diagnose celebrities as autistic… JoJo Siwa's Edgy 'Autistic' Rebrand: ua-cam.com/video/6CfAni1BIME/v-deo.html And if you haven’t seen my video on monotropism, my favourite theory of autism, it might help you understand why autistic people become overloaded in the first place: ua-cam.com/video/3mBbOOzhoGQ/v-deo.html Thank you so much for being here! 💛💛💛 We’re on the koi fish guitar earrings today!
A lot, it isn't fun 😢 the first company that was "helping me" to find out if I had autism because I have realy bad symptoms and im struggling a lot they just said your probebly are autistic but we won't do a diagnostison I was so f*king mad and the next one that was a bigger company imidiatly pulled the bell
I get alot of shutdowns when im with more than 2 people for to long like 3-4 hours and i just die i cant talk i can only speak gibberish and im so tired and closed of
I experience them more some times than others. Some months I have them a bunch, like 5 times. Then I won't have them for months or even years. I think the amount I have directly relates to high stress or a bad emotional state.
its rare for me, i used to have them more often when i was in school, elementary school, then i begun masking and internalizing, then highschool when that kinda overflowed and i broke down, and had moments where i couldnt surpress them. now im an adult it happens very rarely, like i cant remember the last one i had shut downs however i do experience regularly, but its hard to tell if its just a burnout or emotional exhaustion, but still.
I have a four year old niece who's neurotypical. She's nothing like the "neurotypical" adults I know, so clearly those adults can't *really* be neurotypical.
i think it's because they're distant enough to not feel personal (people usually dont live with their nephews) and therefore it's less uncomfortable to talk about ("We're not like That. That's not something that happens to Me or the people that live with me"), but also close enough to bring up in a conversation. I assume it's often a topic of conversation with family members ("So how's Daniel doing?") so they feel like they "know" about it more than other people do. That is assuming that they're not lying ... (i just realized this might have been a rhetorical question, oops...)
it's because he is a boy, and they are going on typical traits that are found in profoundly autistic boys... It's so annoying because my daughter displays typical autistic traits in a toddler, but because she makes GOOD eye contact, "there is no way she is autistic" according to her social workers. I want to fucking scream at how uneducated they are. c:
I’ve been googling “uncontrollable weeping” and “why do I cry over nothing” every few months since I got my laptop 14 years ago. But the results were all about grief or depression, which was profoundly unhelpful.
Me too! Even if I'm happy but just overwhelmed because I'm in a conversation about a topic I'm really passionate about (like my special interest, or some sensitive topic like autism) But I also cry often multiple times a day when I'm upset.
This has been me for about 40 years. I get entries related to hormone levels, menopause and depression. That's helpful, but where is the fix? There isn't one!
This opened up a core memory. I started showing intense depressive-like symptoms as a teen and never realized that it was in due to undiagnosed autism until now.
I told a retired GP the other day that I was awaiting an autistic assessment. I got a great big frown back and was told "there are a lot of people jumping on the bandwagon". Made me feel totally invalid.
That’s a horrid feeling, and for them to dismiss you like that is wrong. Sorry you had to endure that and I hope you find someone that will listen to you. Thank god you didn’t have to see them for your assessment
good thing that guy is retired because that's a totally outdated way of thinking. there are no diagnostic "bandwagons," only awareness and people finding out that they meet established criteria that they didn't know existed. the definition of autism (or ADHD, or gender dysphoria, or any other "trendy" diagnosis) has not changed, only our ability to identify the individuals who meet that definition.
There absolutely ARE a ton of people, mostly girls for some reason, who claim the label like some fashion accessory at the minute. Saying you're autistic is 'trendy' right now. The same type of teens usually also claim to have Tourette's and Dissociative Identity Disorder (the latter being rare to the point where some psychiatrists still debate whether it exists, but somehow they all have it), BPD and also transsexualism to top it all off. NONE of it professionally diagnosed of course. And you don't see these people claiming schizophrenia or psychopathy, I guess because those disorders aren't seen as 'omg quirkyyyyy!' And before anyone has a go at me about autism being underdiagnosed in females, yes that absolutely is a thing, while mass appropriation and faking for social victim points is ALSO a thing. And it needs to be acknowledged because the attention-whoring clout seekers are not doing genuinely autistic girls any favours when it comes to getting help and how society sees them.
When I was 11, I had my first meltdown. It was over the stress of homework and not being able to receive help. My parents filmed me screaming and crying and told me I'd look back on the moment and think it was funny. They didn't know I was autistic (I'm high-functioning and undiagnosed, but realized it was likely the case after it was brought up by therapist after therapist). Nearly twenty years later, my parents and siblings and cousins and I are watching home videos. The meltdown plays on the screen, I'm reminded of it all over again. I saw a child in immense pain with no escape. Everyone else laughed. This caused me to need to withdraw so I could have another meltdown... this time alone. To kids or adults with families who don't understand no matter how you explain it, I'm sorry. I've been there. I am there. I don't have friends who I feel comfortable around either. But I hope you're able to find a supportive network and people who get you. I hope you're able to live a life that's made at least a little easier by having loving and understanding people around you. ❤
It disturbs me how common it is for adults to shame children for not being able to express their emotions in a healthy way as if they weren’t supposed to help teach that, and as if it weren’t expected of children, or really anyone suffering from stress. I would dissociative episodes where I would have no energy to get out of bed to go and do my responsibilities, and when my parents would try to force me to go, I would have meltdowns in response to the lack of control. My mom started repeatedly sending group messages to the parents of the people I was in clubs with and stuff saying I was refusing to be responsible that day. When she finally successfully shamed me into going to my events, almost every time at least one other parent would come up and ask if I was okay. Because they recognized that it’s fucking weird behavior to shame and publicly embarrass your child. A lot of kids’ first bully’s are their parents.
My parents were the type of people to film my meltdowns and post them online so I would just run to my room and board the door with my body so that they couldn’t get in and humiliate me.
It honestly made me tear up learning that my uncontrollable fits of yelling and anger are really meltdowns. It's always felt like I was possessed or that I couldn't stop myself but it didn't seem like angry outbursts I'd seen from allistic people. I had been so judgemental of myself for these my whole life
That actually perfectly describes what I felt like whenever I got really upset (before learning I was autistic) and I after I was always upset, saying I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t think anyone else was actually autistic, so I just didn’t know why I was like that. Why I couldn’t be normal about things.
Same here. I barely remember any of the many times it happened because it was mostly when i got overwhelmed when talking to my mom or because something i said was misinterpreted because my tone is very flat or annoyed no matter what i do, but apparently i said some terrible things. I would scratch up my arms and scratch at my scalp. I would scream so loud the cops were called twice. But i was blackout upset. I didnt realize until this video that those could have been meltdowns. It would happen almost once or twice a week at one point. And that was when my stress levels were through the roof. I always felt terrible after the fact because i never meant any of what i said, i only know what i said because my mom told me after.
Hopefully now that you understand what is happening inside yourself a bit better, you can put some supports in place so you aren’t overwhelmed to the point of meltdown so often. Meltdowns, whatever form they manifest in, are just miserable, and minimizing them would have to be more pleasant, I’d think! 🤔
The worst place for a shutdown is at work, where people still expect you to interact with them. I start garbling my words and sometimes end up being unable to form even the most basic sentences.
This so relatable. I have been let go from too many jobs to count due to meltdowns or shutdowns. I have degree, but never stay anywhere long enough to accumulate benefits or retirement funds. It’s not a good way to go through life.
the self harming as a self regulating/stimulating behavior needs to be talked about more. I hit my head when I'm having a meltdown and I think it's genuinely caused some damage but I don't talk about it to any medical professionals because I fear of being judged.
I reacted in this way too-- started self harming in 5th grade when I felt uncontrollably angry or upset, because I knew I would be punished if other people saw my emotions and it was the only thing that could 'snap me out of it' I never related to people who were doing it because they're sad, and had a hard time convincing anyone who noticed that it wasn't for attention or something it was a tool-- a bad tool, but an effective one.
yea, i’d hit my head, bite my arms, all while crying and cursing at myself. i’m still trying to find a way to handle it better, but being in that headspace makes it so difficult
I hope one day you realize that you should be more worried about your brain's health than the judgment of doctors. F them. WHo cares what they think? If a doctor doesn't understand what an autistic meltdown is, they're a TERRIBLE doctor anyway.
All of this. Oddly, I used to do a lot of deliberate self harm through childhood up into my 30's. It's only in the last few years (late 40's) that I've really started head banging and it's effing terrifying for myself and my husband. it's scary enough that I've almost considered getting some sterile vacu needles to use just to avoid concussing myself. I get migraines so head trauma is incredibly unsafe for me 😔 So many people think that if you hold a job and have a seemingly "normal" or "successful" life you can't possibly be dealing with things like head banging or meltdowns, but we absolutely do. They just don't see it. I sometimes thing that almost makes it worse, because I think "if I can hold off until I'm alone, why can't I just not do it?!" It's hard 😟
I’ve gone into a meltdown and hit myself in the face multiple times and the person who was with me just got mad at me for it, and I just wish there was understanding about it all instead of judgement.
I'm autistic, I also have an anxiety disorder. The fact that meltdowns can feel like panic attacks and therefore assuming that my panic attacks were meltdowns and constantly being told by both neurotypical autism experts (they do exist) and other autists that being 'a bit anxious' is normal is what led my anxiety disorder to go undiagnosed until I was in my late thirties. It wasn't until I got meds for my anxiety and my panic attacks went away that I realised that most of my actual meltdowns are of the 'shutdown' type. Neurodiversity is complicated.
Me too. I have ADHD, anxiety, and major depression disorder and self diagnosed autism. Sometimes my brain doesn't work like I want it to, at those times I just don't talk. Can't even remember which comment I'm replying to, so here you go!
It is. I now have ADHD, ASD 1 and GAD diagnoses. Meltdowns, which run the gamut of types for me, could come from any or all - or none I suppose. I’ve been trying to work out a med regimen for years, but I’m changeable and it does seem to follow that problems from one diagnosis complicate my response to meds for another. Also I seem to be med sensitive. Learning to live with it and manage it has some appeal, except I’ve gotten worse as I’ve reached early old age, and it’s been destroying my marriage. Maybe if I’d had more of a clue what was going on decades ago, things would be in better shape, but I didn’t.
I remembered! Meds basically turned me into a zombie. I thought anxiety was basically synonymous with autism, so I'll need to look further into that, if you reply too, that will help bunches more. It makes sense now why the prescribed meds never worked but I will say they helped -- in that, I didn't think so much.
I had the opposite. My meltdowns were misinterpreted as "panic attacks" and "anger issues" when they were actually meltdowns. None of the anxiety medications seemed to do anything and anger management was just basically gaslighting me. I got no help for it until I was properly diagnosed. ADHD medication calms me down and I have another medication that reduces the intensity of the meltdowns. It would be nice if mental health professionals and medical doctors knew more about neurodivergence, since they would likely be the first to encounter someone reporting symptoms, but they don't seem to know much at all, and I had a lot of harmful mismanagement.
I get this every time, every time I argue with someone online and say I'm autistic, WITHOUT FAIL EVERY SINGLE TIME, their response is "I'm autistic too, that's not an excuse". And then they go on to berate me for actually autistic behaviours and articulation, etc. I have, on the contrary, been told I look autistic, and called the r word also, a lot. So the assumption that this "you don't look autistic!" thing is a thing that everyone has heard at least once, really gets on my nerves. I've never been told "I don't look autistic", just that THEY also apparently have autism, and that no matter whether I'm autistic, there's no excuse for me behaving like an autistic person or misunderstanding things, having trouble with emotional regulation, executive function, and articulating myself.
growing up my parents had an established "no-whine-zone" rule, where you could only cry, throw tantrums, get upset, etc. in the privacy of your own room. While this helped them not have to listen to 4 screaming kids all day, it also caused me to internalize a lot of my feelings and learned how to prevent meltdowns or even just stimming until I was in the safety of my room (or at work/school, in the bathroom). As I've gotten older and grown up, I recently realized that this practice has caused me to self-isolate in my spare time so i can "be myself," as well as loath any form of social interaction and consequently avoid it. I've also noticed that I show a severe lack of emotion when I'm around people, usually by subconsciously choosing to zone out and daydream so I won't get excited or upset and risk unmasking. It's mostly evident in how often I take bathroom breaks at work and school, during which I usually am just standing in the stall stimming or freaking out. In the end, I guess this has helped me mask whatever this is (i'm not diagnosed so I won't say its ASD or whatever) but I really don't feel that its healthy because I'm always exhausted and I feel like it impacts my ability to focus.
bro my parents would yell at me to stop screaming and then make me stand in the corner, after that I would go to my room and cry and scream about it more. I'm not sure if my (sometimes) uncontrollable tantrums might mean I am autistic, but I am about 96% sure I have ASD.
Part of my imposter syndrome around “am I really autistic” is because I don’t really notice meltdowns in myself. Shutdowns sometimes, but I don’t have the “stereotypical” meltdown, and would doubt myself for it. But in introspection to my past, I used to breakdown in tears constantly. After my mom said I never cried as a baby, at some point in my early childhood I was known for frequent outbursts of uncontrollable crying…. Except that all stopped in the 1st grade (6years old). I was crying, in class, no memory of why, and my teacher put me in the front of the room facing the wall behind the door while the class all watched me until I stopped. I was unable to connect with any emotions for a good 10+ years after this. Seeing videos like this helps me validate myself. Thank you.
Oh, the imposter syndrome :( Sometimes mine is so bad on awful days I meltdown just from watching content focused on being neurodivergent in general....
The teacher thing is so real! I would get scolded for crying and told to “stop the waterworks.” Like a 10 year old can purposely manipulate you by crying… just very relatable that you were forced to internalize meltdowns.
As a little kid i used to cry a Lot, thought i don't think it was uncontrolable as My mom said she would warn me to be careful not to hit My head with anything and i would listen In Elementary school i would also cry constantly and hide under the tables, i have no recollection of why When i went to get My COVID vaccine ( i am deadly scared of shots) i started sobbing uncontrolably, My vision went blurry, i could hear people talk but couldnt figure out What they were saying and it was hard to breathe (dad said i was hyperventilating) next thing I remember an army lady was bringing me back with breathing exercises until i calmed down enough to get the shot Another time while at a party the noise started to get a bit too much, the sound of the clapping and music became overwhelming and i started crying uncontrolably, i locked myself in the bathroom and when that wasnt enough, i walked out of the house, onto the street and just colapsed on the pavement, My dad had to take me to the car and i Stayed there for the rest of the party How can I diferenciate between What might be an anxiety of panick attack or a childhood tantrum from a possible autistic meltdown?
I am absolutely enraged on your behalf. There was no excuse for them to take the phone from you. And then to go on and be "horrified" by you having a hard time. You are not and we're not a bad person. I can see how much it still effects you today. You are amazing and wonderful and brave.
Same here! Nobody should do this to ANY child, autistic or not. Taking the phone away from her (when she was already clearly very distressed) while she was in the middle of talking to her mum?! Why not just give her the phone back and let her redial? I can't believe how appalling this was.
@@KrisRN23935 Right?! The whole incident actually feels sadistically deliberate. Or, at the very least, shows a complete lack of emotional empathy for a young child. And I also find it very disturbing that these were (albeit 'distant') family members who her mum obviously trusted to take care of her properly for 2 nights.
I get flat out told "You're NOT autistic." Apparently I'm just rude and temperamental and don't try hard enough. Must be that I like being hated. In public I usually run and hide in the bathroom. I have been known to turn into a rampaging grizzly bear. At home, I've found beating my bed or partner with swim noodles to be non damaging and therapeutic.
I was just diagnosed. I am afraid of telling people because they won't believe me. It is hard enough to cope with the new diagnosis without my family rejecting it. If they be alone with me perhaps they'd see how weird I really am. I pace and talk to myself, always have.
Yeah, I got told for years that I was "lazy" and "had anger issues" when I actually had ADHD (diagnosed and definitely correct) and (probably) ASD with meltdowns. The gaslighting is real, sibling. I hope the "partner with a pool noodle" thing is something your partner is okay with. You might consider getting an actual punching bag, getting hand wraps and gloves, and learning to punch with technique (so you don't hurt your hands). Its a socially acceptable and non-harmful way to do the same activity, and I found it quite beneficial. Good exercise as well.
@@swissarmyknight4306 Yes! I was so gaslighted by my mother in particular when I was growing up. I had so much anxiety, which made me fearful of doing a lot of thiings. I got ridiculed and bullied by my family (and also classmates), because I was "that weird kid". I'm now 60 years old, and just got diagnosed ASD 4 months ago. Suddenly my whole life makes more sense! But I feel like my life was stolen from me by never getting the help I needed. It's been a long, hard, 60 years! 😒
I spent so much of my life thinking that I had terrible anger issues because I'm low-support, high-masking, hyperverbal, & hyperlexic; i.e. no diagnosis. I had several suspensions from middle school at the beginning of the school year when I was 11, the age my district moved us all up to that school. When I worked retail, I had meltdowns every Christmas season. I think I punched the lockers at work during one because when I came out my knuckles were bleeding. After a while I thought I had figured out how to deal with it only to realize, after looking at my life through the lens of autism, that I had been having shutdowns. When I have a shutdown, I dream of screaming that night.
Im also hyperverbal hyperlexic and low support needs, and that combination can maybe make meltdowns smth that i identify with and embody in my head rather than in my body. rather than smth that "happens to me" bc i can intellectualize so much, am generally very sensitive and emotional but also logical at the same time. Pda doesnt help. So when sb doesnt treat me right, injustices are an immediate trigger. And eveb when im melting down bc of smth else, sb trying to help me but not GETTING IT makes me wanna hurt them verbally uncontrollably bc that feels like the only thing that makes me safe, the fighting back. The somehow "breaking through" and reaching them. Wishing they could just take my anger and take me. Not take it personally, but not be cold and unaffected either... Does that make sense? I am still trying to figure out if what i am describing is really meltdowns Its like i want a second nervous system to feel my pain so it can be managable bc its then only half the pain for me It sounds so unhealthy and toxic but i promise im not choosing it with my right mind or even a mind that is capable of understanding what im doing in that moment...
@@violettaschmieder2096 akin wanting the kin to stay when you say go away and you mean both go away and stay to both them and the state of being at the moment?
Yo… I didn’t have a CLUE about shutdowns!😭 even in kindergarten my teacher, parents, & even my 5 year old friends could clock a shutdown *the moment it started.* And they knew there was no bringing me out of it either, it just took time. I remember my best friend in kindergarten seeing me shut down, & telling our classmates to leave me alone so I wouldn’t cry. (She even created a physical barrier between me & everyone else, using her body- BLESS HER! She was so protective of me🥲 there were a few times she even kept our teacher from me because she just wanted me to have the space I needed but couldn’t vocalize in the moment.) Even in kindergarten, she knew to ask first, before hugging me when I was like that too. I remember as I got older & had homework, my mom would be very vocal about me shutting down too. She even explaining it to various teachers, as I got older & didn’t outgrow this behavior, as “It’s like watching a garage door slam shut on her brain.” And this happened more often when I was very anxious about something too. Swimming lessons gave me anxiety as a kid, & that often meant I wasn’t participating in class, because I had shut down & was unable to engage. When I had swim lessons elsewhere & with an instructor who I would’ve gladly spent the whole day alone with, I did *really well* in my lessons. My mom was so relieved because she couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t participating before, & aside from it giving me anxiety, I’ve never really had an answer for her. But back then I didn’t even know how to identify anxiety, let alone a shut down. I remember feeling very angry about that description though- even at 5. I felt like nothing was “shut down” & everything inside was extremely overwhelming, so to call it a “shutdown” felt like the antithesis to what was actually going on. And while they may have become less frequent as I got older, I still remember this happening quite often in junior high & high school too. Especially if a teacher behaved in a way that felt like they were bullying a student, or the whole class. But “shutdown” makes it sound like everything has come to a screeching halt. When the reality is so far from that… this is why I’m so grateful people keep talking about their experiences. So many of us have felt things that we thought were strange & unique to us. But there’s actually a name for that feeling, & loads of other people can relate to it. I had atypical panic attacks as a small child & teenager, but I didn’t figure out they were panic attacks until I was like 20. And the advice I had been given as a kid was to just pray. Just sit alone in my room, & pray until the feeling goes away. I’m not saying prayer is useless… but I am saying that it wasn’t what I needed then, & it wasn’t helpful for what I was going through. On top of that, it made me feel like a bad Christian- that I was doing something so wrong that God had to make me feel horrible & panicked & sick & fearful & heartbroken & anxious in order to make me pray “enough”. So *thank you* to every single person who has been vulnerable and shared your experience(s)! Your efforts likely do *far* more good than you’ll ever know.🫶💛🤟
When i got diagnosed, i got told that my autism might be an illness send by satan and if i tried praying it away. Fair to say it did not work and made me question the christian faith more than i already was
I used to have meltdowns a lot back when I lived with my parents, and they kinda used it as an excuse for the longest time as to why I'm not ready to live on my own. I moved out on my own four years ago, and I realized I haven't had a meltdown in that entire time. It kinda hit me that the reason I kept having meltdowns while I was living with my parents was because, even when I said I needed time to myself to recuperate from family events, school, ect. I didn't really get the space that I needed to NOT get overwhelmed. And if I did take the space I needed, I was often shamed for locking myself in my room. I was often ignored when I said I needed time to myself or need a few minutes before doing a task. Now that I'm living on my own I can remove myself from situations that are overwhelming me, or take as much time as I need after work to cool down and come back to zero. Because I have control now over when I can get time to recuperate, I haven't had a meltdown in years.
Living alone is solely responsible for my decline in meltdowns, from daily to a few times a year. I can control my silence, my noise, my lighting, my schedule, so on and so forth. It was what I needed.
i’m literally going through this right now! i have constant meltdowns now that i’m living back at home bc my parents trigger tf out of me constantly. so they use it against me and tell me that i can’t move out and that i’ll never be independent because i have meltdowns. they don’t get that the meltdowns are because of them.
I think the same dynamic applied for me, but in reverse. I don’t really remember having meltdowns as a child, but I spent a lot of time in my room, mostly drawing and reading comics. My mother gave me lots of space, even to the point of letting me miss a ton of school. I started melting down more as an adult, when “demands started exceeeding capacity” to a much greater extent. This runs counter to conventional wisdom, which still tends to view autism as a childhood condition that can be “outgrown” for some. But I suspect that a lot of the typical dynamic revolves around the fact that kids tend not to have much autonomy, and adults usually have more. It strikes me that my level of dysregulation, through my life, probably corresponds roughly to the level of demands vs. the ability to withdraw I have had. An interesting insight.
I feel for you so deeply!!! I've lived on my own for a long time now, and my meltdowns are very rare. However last week there's been a fire in my apartment, the place is trashed now, so I moved back in with my mum. On the first few days after the fire she also came to "help" me clean up, but refused to give me space even though I kept directly asking her for HOURS. I now have multiple meltdowns a day and of course I am the evil bitch who stresses everyone out 🫠 I can't wrap my head around why would anyone ignore a serious request for a brief period of solitude, when the person communicates it clearly and repeatedly. Neurotypicals are the ones with a communication disorder, in my opinion!!!
From my experience, a common metldown/shutdown trigger is when things aren't the way they're supposed to be in my brain. I think in terms of absolutes, so when I get in a circumstance where at least one of my absolutes is going to be broken no matter what I do, I just completely freak out.
That's a huge trigger for me as well! In short, anything that's different from the norm, or not what I was expecting will send me into a freak out. Depending on the situation, and how I'm generally feeling that day, it could be a minor or a more major freak out!
There’s a version I have that I swear feels like this: two of my foundational absolutes contradict each other, like bad computer code. If the two opposing commands get loaded into the pipeline at the same time, the conflict crashes my system.
I hate when that happens. I've always gotten called a spoiled brat for not getting my way when I get in this bind. It didn't occur to me/I didn't get diagnosed until my mid 30s, so I had already internalized the spoiled brat thing. Did a lot of damage to my mental state.
Yes! I have this, one of the biggest triggers for me is when I get the visceral feeling that something is just "wrong", it's not meant to be that way, this isn't how it was planned, it's just **wrong** and I often say "no, no, no, that's wrong, okay, no, that's wrong, no, okay, no" and that feeling of wrongness can really easily cause a meltdown or shutdown, feels like I'm short-circuiting
Growing up my father was extremely emotionally abusive and yelled at us constantly. Whenever he did I just completely shut down, not responding to anyone for awhile.
@@c0rps3xk1ttyI was raised Catholic and my parent's favorite punishment was making me kneel on the hard kitchen floor for five to ten minutes at a time.
That's a normal response to abuse for anyone regardless of autism diagnosis. When we are extremely fearful our brain responds through fight, flight, or freeze. What you are describing is the freeze response.
This is my experience too as I believe my father is undiagnosed autistic, and we would get physical and emotional abuse if we triggered a meltdown by chewing too loud or running the water too loud or being kids in any discernible way. I really want to understand, but it seems like no one talks about it. Even Google says "do you mean parenting a child with autism?" Nope. I've had therapists suggest he's a narcissist but that's just false, and I suspect ableist, so I end up defending him rather than healing from him. I wish someone would just let it be complicated and listen.
@@valerielevasseur8674That's so sad, I'm sorry :( Yeah, unfortunately Google is not very helpful these days. I totally understand your dad's reactions, as I want to do the same things sometimes. But, I know that reacting that way isn't ok, so I try my darndest to control myself or take a break from things. He sounds like he could at least use noise canceling headphones, and some awareness of his actions and why it makes him respond like that. I hope that he can get the help he needs some day, and I'm sorry you guys had to live with that :((
Finding out that my uncontrollable sobbing might be meltdowns is quite helpful. My parents never understood why "stupid things" made me cry (and neither did I). I'm on a waiting list for a diagnosis and I really hope it answers my questions. Thank you, a lot.
Having been told to "be normal" or "not overreact" or "not be such a drama queen" my entire childhood, my meltdowns tend to be shutdowns a lot. Or otherwise me devolving into a ball of tears when I'm in a safe environment. But I have had meltdowns when alone and things have been broken... it's scary.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with food and clothing options. It's rough. And of course, people are always like "Why are you upset about picking out food/clothes?"
Not sure if I’m actually autistic, but all the screening tests I’ve taken online say I’m at least much closer to it than being a regular neurotypical. Anyway, I was on a road trip this summer with a friend, and we stopped at a cheese haus in Wisconsin. I had been looking forward to it, but I got so overwhelmed by all the options that my friend noticed something was wrong. I basically ended up just trying what she tried and then buying what she bought. I couldn’t manage making my own decisions.
I have what I assume are meltdowns when I have to leave my house to socialize or visit family. Happens every time. If a visit on a certain date is approaching, it can ruin my week and on the day of, I get SO overwhelmed. I feel trapped, irritated at how important it is to others to socialize and visit but it’s not important to me, I’m angry that I have to do it in order to keep peace and maintain connections. I hate it. It stresses me tf out.
I feel this so hard 😞 everyone else gets so worked up over birthdays and holidays, but I don’t understand it. Why can’t we celebrate when it’s most convenient instead of the exact date? Why do we force ourselves to spend time with people we don’t get along with? I have meltdowns around any “big” day and I always expect the worst now (so I’m less disappointed in the long run). Other people’s dysregulation really affects me :/
@@Quesadilla16 I only attend celebrations when I know I get on with the people who will be there. As for the dates of certain festivities, well it sort of is important. I mean, it's my birthday when it's my birthday and not a week before or later. The day means something to me. Same as it's Xmas on the day it, well, IS.
I cannot return to my childhood home. I don't know if they are meltdowns, flashbacks or panic attacks, but I just can't. I'm probably autistic, have C-PTSD, MDD. It feels as if I'm entering a prison that I can't escape. If another person does not go with me (and I have to go for family events such as important birthdays), there is no way I can get on the bus without sobbing and beating my head against the window. The shame and embarrassment... I'm over 50.
i cried while watching this just remembering past experiences with meltdowns, i’m not quite sure if i’m autistic or not, but the memory of the overwhelming feeling of misunderstanding and losing control is enough to make me physically respond rn
Before diagnosis I tried my best to avoid meltdowns, fearing scaring people with my rage. After a few years of living alone, I find when I have privacy to meltdown it's the most healing cathartic thing. I cry, scream, throw myself on the ground, the earth seems to absorb the stress. Trees help too. I find meltdowns extreme and hard, it's like I feel every emotion that was suppressed in my ancestry by those that were excluded. After I am exhausted, but if I have let myself explode properly, I feel cleansed afterwards. It's like a storm, that clears my mind. I don't stop it anymore. It's hell during, sometimes I remember to eft tap. I prefer to be alone with nature, as people judge me. It's the judgment that harm me the most.
Yes omg. It's like telling someone that's a mixed race "well, you don't look mixed" like gee, thanks a lot! Thanks for not trying to understand what's beyond your line of vision 🤦♀️🤦♀️ Lol that reminds me of little kids when they're like, "if I can't see it, it's not there!"
I relate this to my hearing loss ... I can hear certain things but I am still deaf. People think that hearing aids will work perfectly - they don't. Also sounds I don't usually hear overwhelm me as a result.
@@misspat7555I just yesterday saw some jerks saying that low support needs autistic people aren't actually disabled. I sure af gave him a handful. I didn't spent half my life wondering why there are so many things that are supposed to be easy impossible for me. I swear I got soo pissed.
@@emilybolen128 My mom used to tell a story about her baby brother. When he was about 2 1/2, their mom saw him leave the kitchen with a fresh baked bun, hiding it behind his back but still in plain sight from other points of view. Grandma broke out in gales of laughter. Mom was outraged. "If I had done that it would have earned me a switching!" She was 8 years older than the brother.
I am an autistic person who has had C-PTSD since I was very young. I was adopted and my teachers tried to tell my parents that they believed I had Asperger's (now ASD) but my parents and doctors blamed everything on trauma. I'm now in my 20's and I have found so much more help understanding the difference between my meltdowns and actual panic attacks. I love watching these videos because it finally feels like I've found people who relate to my experiences
I can relate (except I wasn't adopted - my mother was just violent and brought me around inappropiate people). It is a wonderful to recognize the differences and interesting how it all works.
Thank you for sharing this 🧡 Would you mind explaining a bit further as to how you distinguish your meltdowns from panic attacks? I was diagnosed with Borderline PD, and I honestly can't tell the difference from BPD and autistic shut/ meltdown from this video, and I've been trying to work out for a while whether I am on the spectrum or not....
I got diagnosed with autism and cptsd the government has to say I'm skits so I can have a injection every two weeks it helps me. But lots of medicine made my meltdowns worse. Good luck to you friend
The story of you having a meltdown when you were having a hard time and your only source of comfort was taken away from you as a child hit hard 😔 I have so many similar memories from my childhood and it’s hard for me to even think about them. It really sucks how so many adults don’t know how to act around neurodivergent children
Many adults don't know how to act around any children. Children in general should not be treated like that! It is totally inappropriate - and then those adults are shocked, when the child reacts accordingly. Horrific! 🤬
@@CaroEllis Exactly. This terrible experience would have been traumatic for a neurotypical child too. Imo, far too many adults can't remember how it actually felt to be a child and to see/experience the world through a child's eyes.
Another thing is that not many adults know what autism is, for example my dad and I struggle to explain thing so I cant tell him without him misunderstanding
@@mb-sb5ever I understand your point and very often struggle to explain myself to NTs as well. But whether or not an adult understands autism, has nothing to do with this situation. NO child should be treated this way while in distress.
@@letsrock1729 I agree I'm just saying why it's more likely. Past Autistic child has meltdown: Adult: stop being naughty Present Autistic child has meltdown: Adult: * helps using desired method* Uneducated adults: stop being naughty That is what I tried to explain to my dad since as I work in a Nursery where the word naughty is 'banned' and he didn't understand saying that if the child is being naughty then they are being naughty
My son just had a massive meltdown. He's an adult and said I could share. It's so helpless from the outside. I just kept him from self harm. I could not reach him with words. He's okay now. This video really helped me help him.
Thank you for talking about su*c*dal ideation during meltdowns. I am recently diagnosed ASD & ADHD. I have these "episodes" (I never knew what they were) where I become incredibly overwhelmed and agitated and feel an incredible amount of emotional pain, and I have to go home so that I don't run out into traffic. For a time in my life I could not drive because of these episodes as I had frequent urges to crash my car. I didn't realise I was having meltdowns. This video has been really informative, thank you! I've had all of those types of meltdowns in my lifetime.
The biggest cause of my meltdowns are when someone tells me to do something i was already going to do, but i hadnt scheduled to do it yet. I kind of see all meltdowns as a form of self harm. Im usually hitting myself or pulling at my hair but even screaming til my throat hurts, thats self harm.
I know right.... I remember banging my head on the floor when i was little..... Now too, it's such a physical agony that in the moment i just want to rip myself to shreds.....
For me it causes shutdowns. I doomscroll and can't do anything else. ua-cam.com/users/shorts-DRbpQB9_Aw?si=r2G0cPBSUDIV2cP3 I relate to the first one so much
Paige Layle did a video on self injurious behaviors (largely in meltdowns as you describe, but also injurious stims like skin picking), and she drew a distinction between these, which are basically involuntary, and self harm, which is more purposeful. I found it a useful distinction, because self harm is especially stigmatized. (Of course, I’ve done both. 😞) That’s just an FYI in case you are interested.
Oh man I know what ya mean. This really p's me off. It's like it sends me over the edge and I start shouting. Gosh I dunno why I get like that man. It's not even a big deal and yet it feels like it is
It probably plays into the PDA profile! Also massive agree, it causes harm to the person no matter how conventional it seems. Also, love your work Hamish
This popped up literally just after I had a panic attack/uncontrollable crying type of meltdown. Side note that I'm very glad to hear another autistic say they like to be hugged/touched during a meltdown. I've had a lot of imposter syndrome over the fact that so many people say they don't want to be touched during a meltdown, but I crave being cradled or snuggled and having my head petted. Only by certain people, but the desire for touch is really strong for me.
That’s good and probably a healthy sign. From my own sense of myself, I have theorized that a certain amount of the need not to be touched has to do with whether lived experience has taught a person to associate human contact with an expectation that the person in meltdown will “snap out of it” or at least respond as a result. I haven’t been okay with touch for a long time, but I used to be helped by proximity, because it lacked the feeling of a demand to engage. Of course, not wanting to be touched can also be a sensory issue, and that varies among autistic people. I have an autistic friend who is a big hugger. I’m not...
Undiagnosed & still figuring things out, but I'm the same way. When I'm melting down or shutting down, the thing I usually want most is a really tight, crush-my-soul-back-into-my-body hug that lasts longer than most people will give it of their own accord, disappointingly. The worst part of this is the fact that I tend to try to stave off my meltdowns & shutdowns until I'm alone, and giving myself the hug I need usually only makes it worse by reinforcing the fact that I'm alone, which my brain just uses against me in that moment. All this to say, you're not alone.
We are all different. Some don't want to be touched, but others do. I had a neurodivergent GF who liked to be tightly hugged. She said it made her heart rate go down.
Accepting it as an uncontrollable medical condition may sound like “giving up” and not taking accountability for it but it was the single most helpful thing I ever did for it. For me, meltdowns are guilt and all consuming self-hatred to the most intense extent imaginable. So you can imagine how that compounds when you’re desperately trying to stop it, wanting nothing else in this world but to stop it, becoming more angry and horrified and disgusted with yourself as you watch yourself dissolve, which makes more fury, horror, terror. . . Then I had the worst one. I had a potassium deficiency and dehydration during it, and those factors pushed it over into an entirely new level. Muscle convulsions, memory blackout, screaming to the point of bodily injury I never knew a human being was capable of, much less myself. That one was SO, SO fucking bad that I knew for a fact I had no control. Had an ambulance called on me and taken to the hospital because it genuinely seemed like some sort of seizure. Only to be told it was an extreme panic attack (doctor didn’t know I had autism wasn’t officially diagnosed on paper back then). And there were a couple after that but it was the start of changing my perspective from “evil manipulative thing I’m doing to myself” into “neurological medical incident”. Since putting them in the same “camp” as seizures or panic attacks, they now look a lot more like just crying and hyperventilating, maybe some bizzare laughing. Versus the uncontrollable screaming, collapsing, self harming traumatic demonic nightmares they used to be. If I have another one, and I will, I won’t see it as my fault. And because of that, they haven’t happened. . . not like they used to. I still tear up when I think of past ones, but I view them as medical incidences instead of my deepest regrets.
I’m so glad to hear that they’ve improved just by understanding them better. I’m trying to think of my meltdowns and shutdowns differently, and it’s still hard. I’ve tried so hard to suppress any behavior that could get me in trouble or have people see me as weird and the self-hatred that builds out of that makes it so so much worse.
I've had a meldown yesterday and while i started freakung out and acting like a freak i was thinking "omg whats wrong with me why am i doing this STOPP" but i kept doing itthen i locked myself in my moms car and was so embarrassed and disgusted with myself so much and felt so shameful. And i did that infront of my two cousins who have never seen me like that it was so embarrassing and i dont even know what to do anymore and my mon doesnt think im autistic im just adhd and veing sensitive? Life sucks
oh my god, I’m lying in bed crying, because your description of shutdowns is exactly what I experience all the time. thank you. I finally have at least an ideas as to what’s wrong with me.
About the "meltdown kit": I have a personal aid kit that's intended not just for (after) meltdowns, but anytime I feel stressed. Showing kindness to yourself even when you don't feel like you 'need it' yet is so important. My aid kit has some fidgets- touch, taste, hearing. It has old sunglasses for if the light gets too much, painkillers for if my chronic pain is contributing to the overload (spoiler: it always is), and an emergency bracelet for if I can't communicate which says I have autism & am mute. It also has various bandaids and distilled water and other things you'd find in a standard first aid kit, anything that's simple to use. I take it on every trip out of the house.
I can tell you its among the most painful things in my life. The physical pain is bad enough. The teeth clenching is so violent that I fear I'm going to break my teeth, which often hurt bad enough that it hurts to chew. My jaw clenches so hard that not only are my jaw muscles messed up, but so are my neck muscles. I've clenched my fists so hard that I've damaged something in my forearm, which took weeks to heal. It is very difficult not to scream in pain, which others misinterpret as screaming in anger. When I was in high school a young lady I was dating witnessed one (in which I didn't say anything to her or even look at her, just tried to suppress it), the first one I hadn't been able to hide since before high school, and she not only broke up with me, but decided I was an "evil man" and she and her friends started a campaign of actively trying to ruin my life and reputation, which they restarted and continued on social media over a decade later (because I don't act out of malice, it took me until my mid-20's to realize that others do, even in adulthood). I've been hiding them ever since. I've kept people at a distance and I never learned to be close because of it. Outsiders perceive them as "anger" or "rage" but I don't experience anger, just my fight response going crazy in a way that isn't connected with my life or emotions. I had an incompetent therapist try to treat me for "anger issues" which is basically just professional gaslighting for a neurodivergent person. Now that I've been properly diagnosed, I'm on medication to suppress the severity. Its reduced the pain by about half.
Personally, I can become inconsolable for a very long time. It either starts with almost like anxiety or panic attack, especially heavy breathing. Other times, it starts with unstoppable crying and sobbing. Sometimes, it happens very quickly because of things that happened throughout the course of the day, and sometimes, it starts very quickly. I physically can't stop myself from self-harming, whether that's through scratching myself until the skin breaks or hitting myself. During my shutdowns, I lose the ability to speak. It's like there's this block or disconnect from my mouth to my brain. If I try to speak, I can't form the words. I can usually make sounds or small noises, but speaking words is nearly impossible unless I try to force it (which doesn't work very often). This can also happen during meltdowns or after them.
i struggle a lot w sib (self injurious behaviors) during meltdowns and learned recently that i do a lot better at NOT hurting myself if i allow myself to truly let loose and be LOUD. if i'm screaming, i'm not scratching or pulling my hair or hitting my head against the wall lol. i know it's not always safe to be loud, but if you can and struggle w this, i recommend it!
Relatable, but less "being loud" and more "being weird." If I'm work from home, I can do some jumping jacks or stretches or click-click-click something without bothering anyone. At the office, silently injuring myself feels more 'polite.'
oh my god ! i realized this recently too ! i was listening to music and was having a difficult conversation through text and i got so overwhelmed. and instead of SH, i just turned up the music and let myself scream/cry, jump around, and hit the air (like roughly waving my arms around) until i got tired. i felt so much better after than when i suppress/contain myself.
I'm already extremely loud more then I want to be and still can't stop sib. I can never fully let it out let it out though because I'm usually around people and I'm in a apt complex and am scared of others hearing me
I scream into a pillow until my voice gives out. I had 2 meltdowns during Covid and I actually damaged my vocal cords! My voice has never been the same. 😢 Humming is my primary stim which is also hurting my vocal cords. I’m trying to whistle or sing loudly inside my head only…and it’s helping !
I’m so glad you mentioned shut downs because I’ve had moments when being yelled at by family and I would just shut down. I would barely be able to get words out and my heart would race really fast but I’m pretty sure I would have a neutral look on my face. It’s really horrible and I use to be so mad at myself that I couldn’t stand up for myself and say more or what I was thinking of saying before the conversation.
i was one of the people who answered the poll saying “i’m not sure” after hearing other peoples experiences and learning more, I AM sure and now I understand myself better and feel validated instead of feeling like a bad person who can’t control themself. Thank you for all you do.
might be one of the reasons I like metal music. screaming and banging your head is normal in metal. but apart from that there is just really good music in the vast realm of metal.
I watched earlier and a song came to my mind from Frozen. Elsa's part of "for the first time in forever " where Elsa is singing about"don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be" That I feel like so many of us feel when we are fighting a meltdown
Taking the shame and guilt out of meltdowns is so important! I so vividly remember one meltdown I had years ago, when I was on vacation with some relatives and broke down in the entrance hall to a museum! Usually I enjoy museums, but we'd been so busy for the past few weeks that it had been too much. I don't remember what I said, but I think I did start crying (which is so rare for me) and they listened to my request and left me alone in the waiting room. I tucked myself away in a chair in a corner, put on my headphones, and watched a comfort tv show, but I remember feeling so guilty like I'd spoiled the trip for everyone! Looking back though, I think it really must have shown how much stress I was under, and everybody was so nice to me after. They even let me have a day alone in our hotel after so I could just relax. Although none of us had the words to understand what was happening, it was the only way I was able to communicate at the time and I'm grateful I was listened to!
Agh now I'm sobbing watching this remembering all of the embarrassing "episodes" I had as a kid because I was so stressed out and unable to keep it in.
Being gentle with yourself is the best advice ever. My meltdowns were so much worse when they were accompanied by guilt, self-blame, and criticism. My partner has also become an expert at dealing with my meltdowns. They used to make him angry because he thought I was doing it on purpose but now he approaches it entirely differently. He is kind and accommodating. He tries to limit sensory input and get me in a quiet space. He knows I may not be able to speak so he doesn’t demand I explain myself. Meltdowns are awful. I have given up many social activities and try to plan my work schedule and errands in a way that accommodates my needs. I have to choose my very favorite things to do and people to see because I know I cannot do everything and be everywhere. ❤
I recently had a meltdown/shutdown situation at school and found myself digging my fingernails into my arms. I wasn't able to cry or stim or let that tension and panic out any other way, so I just dug my nails in. It's also kind of traumatic after, like talking about them can get me a bit choked up, it's validating to see that other people have a similar choked-up feeling talking about really bad meltdowns. Also, later that day it made me feel really bad to look down at my arms and see the fingernail marks on them, because I really didn't want to do that to myself, but I felt so out of control that it was the only viable option. I guess guilt, shame, regret, or like just sad that I hurt myself like that when I didn't want to.
@@iluvhammys I'm so sorry that you felt that way as well and appreciate your concern. It definitely won't escalate though, I'm doing pretty good mentally compared to in the past.
This only happens when I'm home alone because I push everything down in public, but when I get overwhelmed I'll bite my hand (to prevent from screaming), punch the desk and my legs as hard as I can. It feels like I'm trying to externalize the pain and anger by causing physical pain instead. I remember doing the hand biting from a fairly early age and having other people laugh at me asin 'you're only hurting yourself, dummy'-type responses
I used to cut or bite my fingers or my tongue when I was in school around all the kids that bullied me (everyone hated me, everyone) because I too felt like it was a release for the emotional and/or mental pain I always felt
I used to do the hand biting, and I also would sometimes bite down on my tongue just to like keep my mind focused on it I guess and stop myself from doing anything else stupid. But when I was young I definitely used to hit my head off walls and tables and in more recent years I had punched myself in the face in front of my parents a couple of times, which has been met with a "what the hell was that, you lunatic" sort of response
I do bite my hand too, to prevent myself from punching my head :( But to me it feels way better than the punching, so I'm glad I'm moving away from that
biting myself has also been a response my body does when I'm just too overwhelmed. I'm not diagnosed with autism, but anxiety/depression. It helps me externalize the pain and ground myself to reality, as much as it hurts
I walk around and talk to myself. I always thought I was crazy because I would do this as soon as I was alone. For the most part it relieves the feeling of melting or shutting down. Perhaps you can find something to help relieve the pressure before it gets to self harm. I used to bite my fingernails and pull out my hair strand by strand, not knowing I was autistic. Walking can be incredibly decompressing in my opinion. I don't know it it would help everyone, but it has always helped me.
Yikes, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Throughout my life, I mostly experienced “autistic shutdowns”. Being my parents’ “golden child” would often made it impossible to externalize my distress out of shame and fear of being “a disappointment to them”. After a year of therapy, I started to allow myself to feel my emotions, and to externalize how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately(?), this lead to one of the few actual meltdowns I’ve had in my life. It was horrifying. (Trigger warning) It felt like d3ad was the only solution to all the pain I was feeling. Thankfully, today I’m married to a wonderful woman who is empathetic and comforting whenever I’m struggling with shutdowns or meltdowns, even if she does not understand them most of the time. Amazing video! Thanks for being open and sharing your experiences with us. It feels good knowing other people struggle as I do.
I used to have meltdowns in school, I think because I had no control over my environment. I mean, you had to stay in that class, amongst all those kids, for hours on end and you couldn't leave, you had no control. So I'd just start crying, randomly, uncontrollably, and for no reason. Then the teacher would take me outside (which was good, and, like, an immediate relief), then try to comfort me and ask me what happened (which was no good at all). I mean, at that point I was pretty much nonverbal. I remember wanting so badly to tell them to just stop talking and leave me alone, that nothing "upsetting" (by their definition) really happened, and in 15 minutes I'll be better - if she just shut up. I think I managed to communicate that a few times (when I was not through it but a bit calmer), but then the teacher never remembered the next time, and always made the same mistake. I was, like, nine and mentally berating her, "woman, just stop, how many times do I have to repeat myself?" I soon realized that the urge to comfort and get to the source of the problem is the way "regular" people react to these sorts of situations, and it was the weird little me acting outside of those "obvious" expectations, so I stopped trying to explain. (From the earliest age, I was incredibly, even obsessivly, analytical of the behavior of myself and others.) Later, I slowly learned to recognize when too much "socializing" was happening (that's my trigger), and developed strategies to step outside those situations when they were reaching uncomfortable levels, either mentally or physically. In high school, I was that wierd girl who read books in the corner during breaks (I can hyperfocus to sort of "cut off" the outside stimuli), which helped, and I had meltdowns less and less. Nowadays I just get up and leave the room for a while. My family have quickly learned and accepted that it's just what I do. Come to think of it, I always did that in some form, nowadays I just simply state that "sorry, I had too much, I need to be alone for an hour" during family gatherings, and no one bats an eye. Ha ha, I guess I sort of unconsciously trained them to accept it over the years... Nowadays I have shutdowns instead of meltdowns, and even those are much rarer and much less draining. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm having one, then my partner - who has bad hearing - suddenly starts to ask me to repeat myself, and I realize I started talking very quietly, and I have trouble pushing words out. Sometimes I get enterely nonverbal. The treatment is the same, though - I have to be left alone for a while, preferrably in a quiet, dark place.
I was only diagnosed as autistic 3 months ago. I’m 53. This video brought back memories from my early childhood through my teen years all the way up to this year. I’ve always felt it necessary to apologize profusely for behaviours that seemed to arise from nowhere as ASD was not even on my radar; I’d just been unreasonable or overreactive, terribly rude or completely irrational when rationality and logic is what defines me the most. It feels like I just lose myself and someone else takes over. I rarely remember things that happen and have great trouble apologizing… I don’t know if someone said something that honestly hurt me or it was more an accumulation of panicking moments. Ometimes knowing it was practically inevitable makes it harder. Nobody should want to be around me if they might roll bad dice and have to deal with my broken brain.
thanks for the video 💜 I answered "I'm not sure" to the question "have you ever experienced meltdown?" This is because my meltdowns are controllable. I feel overwhelmed and have the instinct to throw myself on the floor, scold, destroy and hurt myself. But 99% of the time I can hold back, sometimes I even manage not to bite myself
I have a similar experience. I have the urge to punch something, including myself, because I have these feelings inside of me that for some reason I can't just cry out like I normally would. However, I've only had this a few times and most of the time I've been able to grab a stress ball of punch a punching bag or something non-destructive like that and then as soon as I listen to some sad music I can start crying and get the Bad out of me.
I was one of the "I don't knows" on the questionnaire you did, but listening to this, I realize I've definitely had meltdowns. It's less frequent now, but as a kid, I would just get super mad and start yelling and be so angry that it hurt and try really hard to not let it out but couldn't really stop it. It was 90% yelling at inanimate objects, especially computers or something when they don't work right, but I'm guessing I was already at my breaking point and whatever it was with my computer just pushed me over the edge and then I'd just want to punch it or yell at it. I just thought I had anger issues, which is weird because I never want to hurt people or be mad at people. I'm glad I finally know what's been happening to me after 30+ years. Thank you for doing these videos they have helped me a lot.
I remember being like that as a child, too, and also as a younger adult. As I've gotten older, I've kind of learned to "control myself". But just because I don't show it as much on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not still feeling just as much stress internally! Then I end up feeling even more anxiety, because I don't have an outlet for my feelings.
When I was a child in the 80s one of my teachers raised concerns to my parents about my behavior and encouraged them to bring me to a psychologist to see if I was autistic. The psychologist decided I was too intelligent to be autistic and that I had ADHD and those 2 things in the 80s meant that I couldn't possibly be autistic which we now understand is very much untrue. He actually told my parents that my meltdowns where just me seeking attention or being antisocial and incouraged them to use negative reinforcement to train them out of me. Over years o transitioned from meltdowns to shutdowns for fear of being punished. It took about 30 years for me to figure out that I actually am autistic and not that I was a terrible child as I was led to believe by the medical professional.
For someone who hates attention, i.e myself, one of the biggest rage inducing things I can hear is someone saying I'm doing XYZ for "attention". It's rough man
Your swimming pool story really resonated with me. I've just had a profound realization. When I was 23 I worked as an architect in an office, and I hated it so so so so much, I cried on my way to work on most days, it was such a horrible job, I had been bullied there and it was all a mess of miscommunication and exhaustion. I wanted to get out. And in my mind the only way to do that was to enrol at a fancy film school in France because I was obsessed with animation. So I made the short list and had been invited to the school for an interview. This was huge for me. When I arrived there I loved the school, and my exams went very well, and before the interview I was very confident and wasn't worried at all. But as soon as I entered the room and saw the board of animated film directors who were to interview me and judge me on my work, I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't know why it happened or how to stop it. In the end I didn't get in because they thought I was "too emotional". I tried to analyse it for years and years. I thought it was a panic attack though deep down I knew it wasn't it, and only now I realized it was a meltdown. Damn. Ps.: I'm happy I ended up not going to that school, I would have hated living in France.
Additional autistic fact: I only managed to calm down and regain my ability to speak when one of the board members asked me why I had so many cycling themed drawings and film ideas. So I started infodumping about cycling (one of my most significant special interests) and that cheered me up, so I managed to get through the interview. 🥲 I realized I was autistic many years later.
the whole story was so relatable, even though I didn't have experiences similar to that at all, but under the specific circumstances this would go exactly the same for me I feel! can you share the end of it, did you end up quitting that awful architect office job? are you pursuing animation right now still? very happy to see you discover why you are the way you are
@@lisadikaprio yeah, I quit that job about a year later and made a few animated short films. I didn't become a full time animation director, I instead pursued a career as an independent artist, where animation is one of the several mediums I work with. I'm pretty happy with how this shaped out to be! I'm much more successful, confident, and stress-free living this life. For some time I felt like a failure for quitting architecture, but now that I understand myself (and my autism) better, I realise that it's very difficult to make the accomodations I need to be productive and successful in a serious architecture job, and I shouldn't be embarrassed about quitting an ill fitting life path. Thank you for your comment 💗
20:03 That's a state I was in far too often, just going on like a robot, feeling numb and completely overwhelmed with the whole world. That's basically how close to 100% of my time at the German equivalent of High School was like. In the beginning I was only overwhelmed with the sudden increase in learning speed required to keep up, but when that "overwhelmed-ness" finally ran over I fell into a robotic rythm of waking up in the morning, taking the bus to school, sitting through class, not taking in much at all, then taking the bus back home, sitting for hours on end at my desk and internally screaming at me that I'm lazy and that's why I don't do my homework, then going to sleep. And that was basically every single day of my life for several years and the holidays weren't much better because I knew I'd fall into that state again as soon as the holidays ended, which depressed me basically from the beginning of each holiday. Just the knowledge that the holidays were just a temporary time to breathe. I'm happy I'm not in that state anymore, now that I'm in Sweden.
as someone who went through German high school I fully agree that the sudden increase in speed that learning has to take place at is ungodly. paired with the chaos of the deadlines being communicated either poorly or very late. i also specifically had an awful time where I would beat myself up over the essay part of it, where each student has to pick a teacher as a mentor who'd have to guide your through the process of getting the essay prepared and be there if you had questions. it was never properly communicated whether or not meeting up one on one with the teacher was mandatory, and I would strongly prefer to do it on my own with as little outside contact as possible. i remember my classmates letting me know that the teacher i picked was apparently angry with me for not communicating? and I think I got away with writing emails to him, I'm not sure anymore, but being told he was angry with me behind my back (which I'm also not entirely sure whether he actually was angry or if it was lie/exaggeration on the part of my classmates) has caused severe meltdowns for me. I could actually go on about how German school system guilted me into hating myself for not being talkative throughout the lessons and not wanting to raise my hand to answer questions, with every teacher saying how it will be the cause of my bad grades. when, in fact, the worst consequence was just my grades dropping by not more that one or two points, which in turn didn't matter at all since i then went on into creative fields and my grades didn't matter as much as my skills. years of stress and self-hatred for nothing, bravo.
My shutdowns are usually at large family gatherings where too many people are talking at once and I'm not supposed to leave or look at my phone so I just go still and silent
I feel like a HUGE trigger (especially for me) is learning a lot of information at once and then someone around me assuming I didn’t get any or all of it when I display the slightest pause to process it before proceeding. I can’t describe the levels at which my brain start to activate. It seems really specific and kind of small but I shutdown almost every time.
For me it's a lot worse when I misspeak or something and someone starts to explain why I'm wrong even though I *do* understand. It feels like nitpicking and i end up interrupting and snapping from overwhelm and then feel awful for losing my temper with someone.
TW for self harm and suicidal thoughts: I used to punch and bite myself and hit my head on walls really hard, and still sometimes do. I wasn't aware that meltdowns can cause suicidal thoughts! I thought that was just me! I was put in mental hospitals twice for expressing suicidal thoughts during or after a meltdown at school. I was so overwhelmed by pain and all of these really bad feelings that I would do ANYTHING for it to stop in the moment. I bite myself, scratch and pick my skin off, punch myself, cry, hyperventilate, rip my hair out, and bang my head until my vision sometimes goes white. I feel like me throwing things is one of the less harmful things, so maybe I could try to get the energy out by doing that more, and always make sure I keep unsafe things away from me. I also have shutdowns and am unable to find words and can't always speak either. Everything is just too much sometimes. Too loud, too many sensations, too many people touching or bumping into me, too many little sounds. It feels truly horrible, but it's even worse when nobody around you understands. Thank you for sharing these videos and helping people learn that someone who has meltdowns isn't a bad person, or immature. We just can't help it. You help me understand myself.
This resonates with me so much. I live with a very tempermental (and possibly also autistic lol) father, and my parents know me only to be very happy over child like things such as superheros etc. (I have a big love of the Xmen!) And calm. When I have a meltdowns (after school mostly) is usually selective mutism and crying, they assume I've been bullied or worse, bombarding me with concern and questions that just makes me feel guilty afterwards. I appreciate your channel so much, it makes me feel so much less blameful of actions I can't prevent. I hope one day to be formally diagnosed, I've been doing a lot of research lately, your channel has been such a crutch for me.
This is hard for me to watch. My fiancee just broke up with me because my meltdowns were too intense. I’ve been in burnout for almost 2 years. She took my SI as trying to manipulate her and I wish she’d tried to learn more about SI and meltdowns instead of giving up on me.
i'm just now learning that SI can be part of autistic meltdowns and the way she described it in this video was the most seen i'd felt since a discord user told me "you don't actually want to die, you just want life to not suck so much, which is completely reasonable."
❤I'm sorry. I think it is really harmful how society is encouraging people to conceive of all kinds of emotional disregulation as manipulative and directed. ❤
I’m sorry, and I feel like I can relate. I am married, but my marriage has been in its death throes for some time. We should have given up already, but I don’t know that I can afford to live on my own and I’ll have to leave my cat. SI for me was largely part of the flight impulse. It gave me the chance to imagine a way out when I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t a good system, I know, and it wasn’t pleasant, but there was a reason for it. I’d leave me if I could, to be honest. Various meds over the last few years have basically wiped SI out, and I don’t miss it, but it didn’t cure the anhedonia, and the meltdowns are still bad. People have such a hard time understanding that not all behaviors are voluntary, much less self serving. I think the idea that we are not total masters of our own minds is scary to a lot of people, so they avoid hints that this is so. I hope things go better for you. Warm regards.
💜 I’ve had that happened several times when I was younger 😢 unfair and cruel I feel. For me it was a good way to know those partners were not the right ones. All parts of me deserved to be loved. Being aware that I’m autistic really helps now
That first story of your meltdown is so sad. Thank you for sharing with us. The fact that they heard that you were feeling bad and separated you from your mom is not okay!!! What the hell. And to a child!! I hope you can take solace in the fact that they shouldn’t have done that to you, no matter the way your brain works. That was cruel.
Things that help me when in a meltdown are: 1) Music or a podcast that i like. Helps me distract myself and divert my energy. Also stops me from overthinking and obssesing. 2) Stimming, i find is very useful way of 'getting energy out' and i often find myself lecturing on about some random topic e.g Biology or the plot of my fav series. 3) Contact. Similar to N2, i like it when pople i trust either hug me, sometimes tightly, or make physical contact with me. I also love heated blankets and textile materials. I also have a designated plush (At home) to squeeze or figit toys that i manipulate. 4) Alowing myself space for the meltdown to happen and time afterwards. Hope these help!
Music works great for me. I could spend hours trying to stop myself from crying, but just put on music I like and then I'm nowhere near crying. It's like magic. I like to make sure to have an extra drink (helps avoid crying headache), and if I can a snack, typically chocolate or cake, because it makes a good distraction.
These seem like great ways to cope and help to calm yourself from the meltdowns. I dunno if I have meltdowns but I do experience something very similar and as far as I am aware, I'm not autistic. However, I think I may try some of these things to help me in one of my moments
I'm so sorry that happened to you with the phone. That is horrible to do that to anyone, let alone a child, who had no resources. That just makes me so sad. I hope you have been able to go back and tell that girl that she is loved and has power.
This helps a lot. Had a meltdown last week and still in the hangover I guess, but binging your videos has made me feel less alone and given me the language to speak about these things. Thank you
The shutdown being connected to the "freeze" response makes a lot of sense to me. I'm still not sure if what I experience is actually a "shutdown" or if it's "just" a panic attack, but either way it's a very internal experience. And I know in other situations that aren't related to being overwhelmed, but other kinds of danger, I respond typically first with the "freeze" response, and then with effort I can turn it into "flight" but I basically never have a "fight" response. I think some of this is just how I'm wired and some of it is very early memories of a parent expressing anger loudly and being so overwhelmed by that I became instinctively drawn to making my own noises/movements as small as possible, so as not to overwhelm myself even more with my own response. I have had a panic attack recently where I started crying - not like sobbing, but just the actual tears coming from my eyes, which is relatively new for me - I almost never cried as a child or teenager, but as an adult I have become more emotionally expressive in general. And if it doesn't come with the wrenchy, sobby part, crying is actually kind of nice, it's like I can feel the bad brain chemicals leaving my body. But of course I really don't want to cry in public, and it's not something I can control. But most of the time when I have a panic attack it's just "oh my heart rate is spiking, I'm getting tunnel vision, I feel like I'm about to die and every noise is now 1000% louder" but all that's happening in my head and isn't super visible. I think I have once or twice had one where I started rocking back and forth but it was during moments of extreme emotional crisis. Still, I remember everything fairly well even during those moments. I could have stopped the rocking but it was helping and I was in a private space so I allowed myself to do it. So I don't really experience the lack of control or memory loss other people associate with meltdowns/shutdowns.
I always thought I was having panic attacks, and the doctors did too despite the panic attacks being "weird". They actually gave me benzos for them and those sucked
I was given benzos and tried them a couple times for what I now realize were meltdowns. Yeah they sucked. I likened them to throwing water on a hot griddle.
I was diagnosed with PTSD because my startle response was easily triggered and i was afraid to drive. My failure to drive was always called "my phobia", and the disassociation I suffer behind the wheel I called a "panic attack". Basically my brain cannot keep up with all of the stimulation and keep everything straight. I didn't drive not because of anxiety, but because deep down I knew I would be a danger to others.
They gave me benzos too. That was the weirdest, grossest euphoric feeling, like I wanted to take all of them and OD. Like a weird gross "addicted" compulsion, and they didn't remotely do anything for my meltdowns (misdiagnosed as panic attacks at the time). I took them to the drug disposal thing at the pharmacy.
I'm a 60 year old, just diagnosed autistic 4 months ago. Still in the early stages of coming to terms with struggling through life all these years, not understanding what was going on with me. I can remember having so much anxiety and panic since I was very little. I'm wondering if a lot of it was actually meltdowns? I had to learn from a very young age to mask, because of growing up in a horrificly abusive home. It wasn't safe for me to show any feelings at all whether "bad" or "good". So I had to keep my anxiety and panic to myself. Which only added to the PTSD!
Oh, is that why anxiety meds do nothing for me? It takes me from 'very anxious' to 'very anxious and also a bit tired, thanks.' Which was especially fun while getting eye surgery.
I've had meltdowns all my life, but I always thought I just had trouble controlling my anger and that I was self-destructive and anxious. After being self diagnosed at 41 and clinically diagnosed at 42, I finally am learning about the actions I've done all my life and never understood before. Thank you for making great content that helps introduce people to and learn about different aspects of autism.
Yes! I’m self-diagnosed (for now), I’m 38 and suddenly looking back and my life makes so much more sense. I was punished almost everyday for my meltdowns as a child.
@@juliette3423 I'm sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately I think many of us have had that experience. It makes me glad that there is more awareness now, and that other children may grow up without the trauma of being punished for things they have no power to control.
19:11 Not sure if youll see this but or if anyone will, but Ive had multiple times where I just completely - stopped? Like i would be doing something (usually something expected/demanded of me) and i would just not be able to do it- at all. One time I was in piano class and I was just sitting there, it felt like rocks trying to get my hands on the piano to play a certain song. Thinking of playing the song was dreadful, and every time I got as close as playing *one* note, It triggered me and i would instantly slam my hand on the keyboard because I didnt like what i was dealing with. My inability to respond to the expectations just made me want to cry and cry- God do i feel bad for my music teacher. And one time (context- i usually dont play at home because i just hate the thought of playing it in front of family, and even if im home alone i just dont see it as an important task/chore. And when I did try to play at home, the keys on our keyboard are too light and they make me mess up and i also hate how light the pedal is.) and the teacher tried to make me sign my name on my notebook saying that "i promise to practice piano" and I just couldnt say no, but i also couldnt sign it. Something was physically stopping me from signing it and i also really didnt want to but i didnt want to disappoint him so i just cried and cried. Times like that it feels like my mouth is a brick- I hate speaking. One time I was in a call and I was told to talk about something personal and i just shut down. I tried to get myself to say the things but i couldnt- it wouldnt come out. I was genuinely afraid of becoming mute. Those are the only experiences at the top of my head, the selective mutism segment made me think about them.
I found this helpful and validating. When I go to the dentist, I think what I experience is what you're calling a shutdown. My partner comes with me to help support me and help me communicate with the staff. I struggle to speak almost immediately. When I'm in the chair, if something is too much like the sounds of the machines or the people walking around, I go rigid and can eventually start shaking uncontrollably. I might have tears stream down my face even if I'm smiling and nodding like everything is fine. My partner warns the dentist "when she stops playing with the fidget toy, that's when you need worry." because from the outside people tend to think I am just calm. But on the inside it's like... Well nothing I could accurately describe. Afterwords we go on a walk while I decompress, I get a lot of tight hugs and hand squeezing. I can verbally process or stay silent if I need to. We might go for ice cream cause... Ice cream. 😊 I experience these things at varying intensities in other avenues as well. This includes grocery shopping, work, and arguments with my partner. He says it looks like I "go into a shell" and he just asks to talk to me at a specific time, normally at least a day later, and I go a bit zombie for a while. Eventually my system kicks back on, I can process things again, and then we can talk about things. My therapist calls this disassociation and I might call it that or just call it "going non-verbal". I don't have a diagnosis and I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with my therapist... I feel so dramatic and attention-seeking. First I'm like "I have anxiety and depression" the it's all "disassociation" then I'm onto ADHD (I did get a diagnosis) and now autism? Seems like my credibility might come into question at some point 😅 But... It's difficult not to identify. And my friends who are autistic (I have many) all say that I am and so I've gotten into the habit of referring to myself as such. And I don't tell my partner why, specifically, I have these needs. I just say "I'm neurodivergent" and he accepts that which works for me 😅 Anyway, these videos are helpful... I appreciate the content and the community you're building 😊
I wasn’t really sure if I had autistic meltdowns, but after watching this, all the pieces are just coming together, and I’m remembering SO much. A lot of times, I’ve physically had to leave situations because everything was getting to be too much, and it just feels like something takes over my body because all I can focus on is my brain screaming, “LEAVE NOW”… and then I kind of gain control of my body again when I’m alone and safe. It’s not really that I black out and don’t remember, just that I’m not in control of my body during those moments.
I can relate! I get that "leave now" feeling alot, and to me the way I describe it is I feel like a caged animal. I begin to feel like I'm trapped, and I need to get away immediately! It happens a lot when I get stuck talking to someone who won't let the conversation go, and they keeping talking, and talking, and talking. After a while I'll end up just blurting out "ok, I have to go now", and walking away. I also get that way in large groups of people. When there's too much talking and things going on around me, it feels too chaotic, and I need to get away!
Yup, that’s the flight impulse all right! The deal is in fact that the sympathetic nervous system overwhelms higher reasoning and forces you to flee. This is not some mental health divergence: as mammals, we are all wired to do this. But it’s really desgned for a zebra to escape a leopard, and it’s not as functional for the world of humans. It’s true that a NT person is more likely to do this infrequently - with our amped up nervous systems, we often do it much more.
A core memory of mine is the meltdown I had at a local Halloween event. I was a young teen, and the crowds already had me on edge. When I went to look for my sister, I peeked around a building and saw a massive line for one of the activities. I immediately fled to the bathroom, had a meltdown, then spend the rest of the event alone in shutdown mode. Not fun, but learning what meltdowns and shutdowns were and the symptoms that go with it made me feel less weird.
My most common meltdowns are in the form of panic now. When I was younger I recall crying jags and screaming about school assignments that were particularly triggering and I recall one occasion in my school years being overcome with a desire to bang my head against the wall and being scared by that impulse. While my sister doesn't have even an informal diagnosis I suspect some of our arguments were sort of channeling our mutual meltdowns at each other.
I've known for many years now that I have shutdowns, but I never really thought of them as a subset of meltdowns. For all that time I've thought that I didn't have meltdowns, but after watching this I know that I was wrong. As stated above, I have had many shutdowns, varying in frequency, duration, and intensity over the years (I'm now in my 60s), depending on the amount of stress, distress, and sensory stimulation I was experiencing. I have also experienced all three of the other types of meltdowns - but very infrequently. I can only recall one each of the fight and flight types (there could be more, but if so I don't remember them). With the panic attack type, I can recall some but am finding it difficult to put a number on them, but more than 5 and less than 20 is my best guess.
I’ve known I’m autistic for years but it just now occured to me that my uncontrollable screaming when I get overwhelmed in heated arguments with my not so great mother are actually meltdowns. She has manipulated me into thinking there’s just something wrong with me and always reminds me I’m just out of control and implies I’m evil and all these things. So I believed it for the longest time. But hearing the description of a meltdown this time something just clicked.
I’ve been having been having meltdowns my entire life, but up until a few months ago, I never really realised it. As a child, it was always assumed to be a temper tantrum, and as a teenager, it was assumed to be dramatics or, because of my anxiety, a panic attack. It wasn’t until I got diagnosed that I realised the reason I was screaming-crying and hitting and biting myself and things around me was that I am autistic. It felt great to know I wasn’t just crazy or dramatic
Thanks for this video! Unlike some other meltdown videos, this one made me feel less alone as someone whose meltdowns get very ugly (SH, breaking things, screaming). It reminds me I’m not alone. Meltdowns are the number one reason why finding out I’m autistic is such a life changer. It was tough being different and having social issues, and sensory pain, but meltdowns were by far the worst and most isolating for me.
i had a lot of " panic " attacks over the years, that now looking back to it, make so much more sense to see as meltsowns. i do get the shut downs more often, but sometimes the meltdowns just happen. i remember my worst one made me feel like i was dying. it was super surreal. there was nothing indicating that my body would be dying. just that feeling inside, like my whole self crumbling like a building collapsing inwards. i had been sitting on the coach and melted sobbing on the table in front of me. i sobbed so much, i could barely breath. i don´t recall how in detail i got out of it. my partner was with me and just pat my head and softly spoke to me. i didn´t understand a word, but i did hear her. i don´t remember how long that situation did last or how i did calm down. but i can´t forget that creepy feeling of loosing all controll over my body and that thought of dying in that moment. not being able to move a single limb, while drowning in tears on the table. thank you for being a place to talk about these things. it feels important.
I've been working on understanding myself as a self identified autistic person (and a professionally diagnosed ADHDer) and breaking down all these ideas I had in my head about what autism "is". These videos help me to understand myself better and forgive myself for not understanding myself earlier. A lot of the confusing periods in my life have different kinds of autistic meltdowns attached to them and accommodating myself as autistic has reduced the frequency of them as well as understand them better and forgive myself for the ones I've had in the past that I had penned myself down as "not a good enough person". Thank you for delving into this topic. Much love from a Canadian self identified AuDHDer ♥
I'm in the same boat. Formally diagnosed with ADHD-I, almost certainly have undiagnosed ASD (my ADHD was so out of control I could barely communicate during my assessment; I hadn't slept in 48 hours). It would cost me another $2,500 to get re-assessed, and I just don't think its worth the money, but I kinda wish I knew.
I'm autistic. I had a horrible meltdown after my 16th birthday party (1996). I ended up fainting. My parents thought that I was "being a spoiled brat", so I just sat in my car, crying for 3 hours.
ive been meaning to go get diagnosed or talk to a specialist recently because ive been experiencing every thing talked about in this video quite intensely, lately. you and your content make me feel so seen and less crazy, which is rare these days, especially dealing with the meltdowns. ❤
I am diagnosed with ADHD and yeah..so many of those situations came crushing in my mind. I always was very sensitive, cried a lot and emotions overflowed very often. Screamed, ran away from situations, hurt myself, could not stop till burnt out. It's better in aduldhood but still it's intense..more intense than most peoples in my surounding can "handle" or relate. Now I need to look up if ADHDs have those, too 😅
I'm also ADHD and this has me Wondering (even more) if I'm also on the spectrum.@@mayasu4277 I grew up pulling my hair out, screaming, punching myself in the head, more screaming and lashing out. I got older and started just going "stiff" after I scared enough people with my actions. Stop talking. Stop moving. Stop reacting. Respond with 1 word if anything. Run away if it's bad enough...This is different from what I'm guessing is ADHD rage when I would blow up over tiny stuff.
@@mayasu4277 thank you! My ADHD-Diagnose is pretty new and I am reflecting my whole life with this - feels crazy. Kind of numb on the surface and deep inside of me a feeling as if I would know something will happen but I could only watch instead of act. I am curious what I will discover on my way.
@@dn3305 I feel you, I discovered my autism first and got diagnosed at age 36 and now I’m freshly diagnosed with ADHD too. The thing that takes the longes is advocating for your sensory needs. I am still learning to remove myself from sensory overloading situation and for example grab the headphones. It takes a lot of unlearning. Btw sharing similar experiences, like speaking in memories, to express compassion is a very neurodivergent way of communicating 😉
@@mayasu4277 oh wow! 🤯 That sounds tricky..but so important! My whole life I tried to fit in, be a better and social more acceptable version of myself but kind of lost myself on that way, I think. I don't really know what: "just be yourself and do what makes you happy" means (my husband gave me that "advice").. but your advice sounds like a good way to find that out! Hope you find out, too if you did not already! :) and funny that this is a ND-thing with telling about the own experiences :'D Thank you so much
7:31 - 7:46 THIS. i was recently diagnosed and i remember when i was a young child, my mother getting so frustrated with me because of this exact thing. she would say "do you act this way at school? you arent like this with your teachers, so how come you only behave like this at home?" and i couldnt explain why. i dont blame her at all because we both didnt know that i was autistic and shes very supportive. we are both researching and understanding autism and learning how to accommodate me and videos like these are very helpful :-]
What a coincidence. I just had the biggest meltdown I’ve had in a WHILE last night. I feel horrible and can’t get out of bed but I need to do homework or I’ll fail my classes. Help idk what to do 😭
That's weird a bit...went to dinner today and called a friend and everyone of them (including my daughter, husband and me) had a bad night with restlessness, waking up in the night and totally off in the morning.. everyone seems tired today o.o (I don't want to compare sleeping unwell with meltdowns, I just find it odd, that this night seemed to be a weird night)
Use 5 second rule to help your self get out of bed. Count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... and on 1, move a part of your body, any part of your body. If your intent is getting out of bed in that moment, your body will follow through. Take at least 30 mins to focus purely on self-care before starting on your homework. Take a shower, eat some food, clean your room... do something kind for yourself. 💙
@@ernyoung8357I have done this since I was a kid, moving that first body part, even my toe or head somehow unfroze my body. It also helps when I need to clean, I’ll put in a lot of effort to get up and then force myself to pick up one thing with the same technique and suddenly I’m motivated to keep going because I use the dopamine from seeing improvements to build on each other, sometimes I’ll even write things down that I did already as I go and check them off to see what progress has been made and to avoid the anxiety of the “to do” list. It’s also helpful when I’m feeling like I don’t do anything and feel down about myself because I have proof for my brain that I got something done.
legit same. yesterday my husband dragged all of us on this ridiculous hike (i'm very out of shape so suddenly expecting me to be able to hike for several miles without issue is ridiculous to me), i had a crying hyperventilating meltdown several times along the trail and again just now when he started talking about wanting to leave the house again. i thought i had made it clear how utterly exhausted i was from yesterday and how i had no intentions of doing anything similar again, and it felt like he wasn't going to be satisfied unless i was just abjectly miserable. i burst into tears, started rage-cleaning the house until i was sobbing and wheezing... and then this video came up in my recommendations. so far only my son has been flagged as "having qualities consistent with autistic children" but the more videos i watch trying to learn about him, the more i'm learning about myself as well.
I used to have daily meltdowns in school where I’d cry uncontrollably. I was bullied for being “a crybaby” and had no friends. Looking back at my younger self, I was so hard on myself and it breaks my heart. I wish I could have given her a hug
I only experience shutdowns, and never in public. I have been so good at masking from so young that I am not really able to know what is affecting me until I come home, the suddenly it hits me like a wave because I am in my 'safe' place. As a child I retreated into books for hours to soothe the overwhelm, and my parents never tried to force me out of those times when needed so I never exhibited those "come hone and lose it" things people talk about. I still get home everyday and need to sit and 'decompress' for a minimum of an hour, sometimes longer. Since meeting my husband it's been better because he is my unconditional support network... but I also haven't worked full time in years, I am about to finish my study and then I will have to work full time and I am actually really nervous about how I will cope :-( I am not officially diagnosed (can't afford it)...
I think I hit a meltdown once every two to three weeks or so, but I have little mini overwhelms more frequently. When I was in a really toxic job prior, I had meltdowns daily, and I am so relieved I was only at the job when they were fully remote for COVID because I needed those meltdowns to release the stress, rather than compound it. Shout out to my cat though. She's hyper vigilant about my meltdowns and will snuggle me until I feel better, and she checks on me if she hears me make a sound that sounds like crying (sometimes heavy laughter gets her confused). She likes to lay on my chest so she'll do that, and I think the weight and the purring is really helpful to pulling me out of it most times. We're kind of a perfect match for each other. 😺
I definitely relate to all of that, although my cat acts so begrudging about her “job” comforting me, but still does it every time, which makes me laugh and usually cheers me up even more
I just realized. almost every formal meal I have (any meal at a proper table and not at stools) leads me to have a meltdown/shutdown. I either have a shutdown and can hardly speak or look happy, or I have a weird form of meltdown where I laugh hysterically to the point of pain, and even though I look like I'm happy, I'm being tormented internally, i feel horrible, and I'm in a lot of pain physically and mentally. I knew I hated meals, but this video made me realize I might be having meltdowns.
I don't think I've ever experienced a meltdown, but I have experienced shutdowns throughout my life. Though I haven't been diagnosed yet, I just have some very strong suspicions.
I've always wondered why i'm not crying 95% of the time, but seemingly randomly i sob about once a month or less. I have this horrible urge to hit my head very hard and i have even been triggered when i accidentally missed a casual event by driving to the wrong place. This video is so helpful, i love your channel
I had meltdowns as a kid. My dad was really good at dealing with them, probably because he’s also autistic. He never once shamed me for reacting the way I did. He always came at it with empathy and a desire to understand. I remember he would always hear me out and say it was okay that I felt the way I did. My mom did her best but she didn’t understand. Doctors had told her I wasn’t autistic because I was “smart” and a girl, so she thought the right thing to do was to break “bad habits”. But I think my dad knew, and anytime my mom lost her temper with me and screamed or shamed me for not being able to be normal, he was there to remind me that my mom was doing her best and it was okay for me to be exactly who I was. I really appreciate that
Storytime, TW: ableism, school bullying I remember that since because I would so often get bullied at school during breaks, the school’s stuff give me a tiny room (that was the teathers’ changing room) so that I would be able to go to in and hide from the bullies. One time I got a meltdown during a school break, I went to that room so I can scream + calm myself up alone in peace. Unfortunetly, one of the teachers went into the room to told me that “I need to calm down and stop screaming” because “my scream scare away some little boy during the break”, as if i was just able to stop screaming and stop having a meltdown. I also remember the one time I was talking about my meltdowns with my dad at my therapist, at which one point he literally told me: “well NOT ALL autistics have meltdowns, so why should WE treat you different when you have one, huh? Why can’t you just stop having a meltdown and be calm?”.
@@gollyrado it sounds like your dad had a lot of internalized ableism, which he then procceds to project into you and your siblings. I’m so sorry that your dad treated you this way 🫂 (Btw I’m sorry if I sound rude and/or my english isn’t good, I’m from Poland).
You can swap "people" for "autistics" and any health condition at all for "meltdowns" to hear how ridiculous that is: "Not ALL people have allergies, so why should we treat you any different because you have one, huh? Now eat your peanutbutter..." "Not All people have broken legs..." "Not All people have epilepsy..." Sheesh.
You should build an emergency bag. It is a very practical thing to do to help you handle situations. I've got stuff that helps me focus on something small rather than the wide around me. Things I include inside the bag are a power bank headphones with an auxiliary jack, the converter for my phone for auxiliary. A fidget that acts like a stress ball. A dotted journal just to write in. Paper for origami. Pens to write with.
I'm very sorry that someone took away what made you feel safe and on top of that you then got shamed for melting down as a child. Us high-maskers especially do try so hard to be good! I'm always astounded how unempathetic adults can be to each other and even more so kids who are not little adults but actually need adults to help them regulate. I think it's very brave that you are sharing this painful, traumatic experience. Hopefully it will help save other kids from being put through something similar.
I needed this video. I needed to cry and just couldn't. I'm going through ASD evaluation, which is good, misdiagnoses suck, but I am so overwhelmed with everything. It just feels nice to remember I'm not alone.
I used to get meltdowns a LOT as a child. Multiple times a week. I would scream and shout, damaging my relationships, and I’d stim in harmful ways. I agree with Paige Layle’s assertion that it’s like being possessed- it’s a haze over you, you’ve got no control, and afterwards you’re left there struggling to understand what happened. Sometimes I’ve forgotten even having a meltdown because of how highly emotional it is. I couldn’t tell why I was so upset or what I needed to do to recover. Many times I would be melting down because of a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was or how to express my fear in a productive manner, so I would argue and yell. It was hellish for me and for my family, who just thought I was tantrumming and defiant. I had no coping mechanisms, and no one knew why I was like that. Meltdowns for me would also only happen at home/with my family, so when I was upset at home my family would ask me why I was able to be good at school but never at home. I DID meltdown at school several times, and every time was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. When I was 14, I was diagnosed with autism, and I started to be able to understand myself and my needs. I now use sensory tools to protect me from the constant barrage of too-much on my senses that before would make me on edge and uncomfortable without any understanding of why I was uncomfortable. I’m better able to recognize when I’m overwhelmed and when I need to get out of a situation. I know that after a strenuous activity like a party or a long school day , I will need time to be alone and decompress. I also have strategies and medications to manage my anxiety. Now, I rarely have meltdowns. I just get shutdowns, which while miserable (I often lose the ability to talk or interact with the world) are preferable to meltdowns- inward misery doesn’t require apologies later for destroying relationships.
I want to share my latest experience of a meltdown. At around last New Year's Eve my parents wanted to go to a music event at their small town where I had grown up, it was a bar crawl of sorts and people from the whole area attended it, including many people who had met me when I had been a child. We went there together and then all these people appeared that I was supposed to know from earlier in my life or whose faces I did actually know. The loud music mixed with the embarrassment of seeing these people who KNEW me and wanted to talk to me and judge me for how I have changed was absolutely overwhelming and stressful. I felt so helpless and noone helped me or gave attention to me, only those who wanted to see who I am now and they saw this disfigured, overwhelmed panicked person who avoided them and that only made it worse and worse. After the mother of my childhood best friend tried to talk to me inside a loud bar room, I just started running outside and miserably hunkered down behind an old building so noone else could see me. I was there for half an hour or so. I felt so embarrassed and helpless and I didn't want to go back into this environment and I couldn't talk to anyone in that state. I think I sent my sister a text if she could get me home, but as far as I remember, she refused. She had been my go-to person often and she had felt like I use her too much, so she didn't want to help me (and I'm not a child anymore, I was 33 at that time). I didn't ask my parents, I was too embarrassed. I knew noone else in this town that I would have been able to ask. There were no buses, I didn't have a car, nothing. So I decided to walk around 7 kilometers at night back to the home of my parents (which took me around 90 minutes). I could have been attacked by a wild boar and mortally injured (I was hearing their snorts while I was walking home), but that risk felt in that moment preferable to going back to that utter lethal hell. My parents and my sister didn't ask about it and so I didn't tell them about what happened. My sister only asked me months later if I had gone home alone that day. Only her husband had been worried about me. I had felt so alone and abandoned on that day. After that day I have been refusing to go to my parents for a long time now. I only went there twice afterwards, once when my uncle had a big party (which was absolutely awful AGAIN because the music was soooo loud that I often had to leave the room) and the second time was when it was my birthday, but I didn't want to have any birthday party. When I think about it today, that event was probably the best proof that I am autistic. Noone else would quite literally run away from a party and risk being mortally injured by a wild boar at night just to escape a party.
Before I was diagnosed I had two fight and run meltdowns that made me entirely blackout. I still remember them but it felt like I was viewing myself from outside of my body when it happened. I used to be a scout as a kid and I stood in our scout cabin talking to two of my best friends and we were having a good time. Though we hadn't heard out troop leader calling for us as we stood in the hall outside of the main room of the cabin where we gathered. Suddenlly our troop leader barges into the hall and starts shouting at us asking why we're not listening and that we were supposed to be gathering. At this point it was the evening after our gathering and I don't remember anything about the day other than this last event, but there must've been something that just made me spill over at that point, or it was simply just because our troop leader was yelling at my friends too and I wanted to stick up for them. And so I shouted back at her that we hadn't heard her, my friends were arguing it too but I was yelling back, I don't remember the exact words exchanged but she grabbed onto my arm to lead me inside to the others, and at that point I entirely flipped. I'm honestly still surprised to this day that I didn't hit her, and I'd consider her lucky that I didn't have a violent meltdown because I genuinely could not control myself at that point. I ended up pushing her away and ripping my arm away from her, yelling at her to not touch me and probably some profanities too, before I immediately put my shoes on and ran outside, luckily just as my mom pulled into the driveway and so I jumped into our car, bawling my eyes out and leaving my mom in utter shock... Proud to say though that my mom immediately went inside and cussed her out because I've always been a calm and very thruthful, shy kid, so me yelling and then bawling is always genuine. I've also suffered numerous ''anxiety/panic'' attacks that I think might've just been meltdowns, cause one time I locked myself in my highschools bathroom and bawled my eyes out in horror because I accidentally skipped a class (we'd literally just changed schedule too), only for my head teacher to be super understanding and not even writing me up for missed attendance... She probably saw that I had been bawling tbh... And I never ever came late either. I was also able to stop a meltdown once when I was in college, it was before I was diagnosed but was looking into getting diagnosed because I could tell I was autistic or adhd, and I could feel this impeding sense of doom. It felt almost as if the air was too thin and I was disassociating, everything was just way too loud and bright too, so I went intoa group room, turned the lights off, put my headphones and shades on and just sat in a corner whilst my friend looked real concerned. It worked though (definitely recommend controlled breathing too). Otherwise I'm usually extremely sensitive, especially with serious topics but sometimes just when I've done something wrong that wasn't even a big deal, I tend to immediately start crying at confrontation and then the embarrassment of it just makes it worse.
I have the worst meltdowns ever (i have had shutdowns before), to the point my last (and worst one) caused my hands to be static feeling fron the lack of oxygen (I would cry really loud and hard). But then again, these meltdowns are mostly from my Cptsd my mom gave me throughout my childhood.
Oh my gosh! When you mentioned having that static or tingly or slightly numb feeling in your hands afterwards, I get the exact same thing after my own anxiety/panic attacks
Cptsd is treatable. The violence episodes can be treated to absolute absence using Somatic Experiencing or other somatic therapy. Sports and yoga also helps a lot. But the lack of positive upbringing, emotional and intellectual positive support is not easy to compensate, I'm afraid it's a whole life work on oneself. Autistic meltdown happens due overstimulation. The best we can do is take good care and withdraw out of situations on time. But hardly it is possible 100%. Heat, noise, various viruses, not suitable food, demanding people, strong expectations... everything works together and leads to meltdowns.
How often do you experience autistic meltdowns and/or shutdown? The most popular answer in the study was once or twice a month, but there were lots of people who said they experience them once a year or numerous times per week too.
Hopefully this video will be helpful for those of you who aren’t sure if you have meltdowns and also makes those of you who do feel less alone. They can be really hard to talk about.
If you missed last week’s video, we discussed whether it’s appropriate to diagnose celebrities as autistic…
JoJo Siwa's Edgy 'Autistic' Rebrand:
ua-cam.com/video/6CfAni1BIME/v-deo.html
And if you haven’t seen my video on monotropism, my favourite theory of autism, it might help you understand why autistic people become overloaded in the first place: ua-cam.com/video/3mBbOOzhoGQ/v-deo.html
Thank you so much for being here! 💛💛💛 We’re on the koi fish guitar earrings today!
A lot, it isn't fun 😢 the first company that was "helping me" to find out if I had autism because I have realy bad symptoms and im struggling a lot they just said your probebly are autistic but we won't do a diagnostison I was so f*king mad and the next one that was a bigger company imidiatly pulled the bell
I like your earrings they are so cool
I get alot of shutdowns when im with more than 2 people for to long like 3-4 hours and i just die i cant talk i can only speak gibberish and im so tired and closed of
I experience them more some times than others. Some months I have them a bunch, like 5 times. Then I won't have them for months or even years. I think the amount I have directly relates to high stress or a bad emotional state.
its rare for me, i used to have them more often when i was in school, elementary school, then i begun masking and internalizing, then highschool when that kinda overflowed and i broke down, and had moments where i couldnt surpress them. now im an adult it happens very rarely, like i cant remember the last one i had
shut downs however i do experience regularly, but its hard to tell if its just a burnout or emotional exhaustion, but still.
Why is it always someone's random nephew that "prove" that someone else does not have autism?
I have a four year old niece who's neurotypical. She's nothing like the "neurotypical" adults I know, so clearly those adults can't *really* be neurotypical.
i think it's because they're distant enough to not feel personal (people usually dont live with their nephews) and therefore it's less uncomfortable to talk about ("We're not like That. That's not something that happens to Me or the people that live with me"), but also close enough to bring up in a conversation. I assume it's often a topic of conversation with family members ("So how's Daniel doing?") so they feel like they "know" about it more than other people do.
That is assuming that they're not lying ...
(i just realized this might have been a rhetorical question, oops...)
Or even grown up nonspeaking son (courtesy of a former therapist 🙃)
It has a similar energy to, "I have a friend of X minority, therefore I can't be discriminatory." They think it gives them a free pass.
it's because he is a boy, and they are going on typical traits that are found in profoundly autistic boys... It's so annoying because my daughter displays typical autistic traits in a toddler, but because she makes GOOD eye contact, "there is no way she is autistic" according to her social workers. I want to fucking scream at how uneducated they are. c:
I’ve been googling “uncontrollable weeping” and “why do I cry over nothing” every few months since I got my laptop 14 years ago. But the results were all about grief or depression, which was profoundly unhelpful.
child me thinking that I had some kind of condition that just made my eyes more watery because I had no idea why I cried so much-
@@amberr3662 oh my god sammeee
Me too! Even if I'm happy but just overwhelmed because I'm in a conversation about a topic I'm really passionate about (like my special interest, or some sensitive topic like autism)
But I also cry often multiple times a day when I'm upset.
This has been me for about 40 years. I get entries related to hormone levels, menopause and depression. That's helpful, but where is the fix? There isn't one!
This opened up a core memory. I started showing intense depressive-like symptoms as a teen and never realized that it was in due to undiagnosed autism until now.
I told a retired GP the other day that I was awaiting an autistic assessment. I got a great big frown back and was told "there are a lot of people jumping on the bandwagon". Made me feel totally invalid.
I think it may be for the best that GP is retired
That’s a horrid feeling, and for them to dismiss you like that is wrong. Sorry you had to endure that and I hope you find someone that will listen to you. Thank god you didn’t have to see them for your assessment
that's an absolutely ridiculous comment
good thing that guy is retired because that's a totally outdated way of thinking. there are no diagnostic "bandwagons," only awareness and people finding out that they meet established criteria that they didn't know existed. the definition of autism (or ADHD, or gender dysphoria, or any other "trendy" diagnosis) has not changed, only our ability to identify the individuals who meet that definition.
There absolutely ARE a ton of people, mostly girls for some reason, who claim the label like some fashion accessory at the minute. Saying you're autistic is 'trendy' right now. The same type of teens usually also claim to have Tourette's and Dissociative Identity Disorder (the latter being rare to the point where some psychiatrists still debate whether it exists, but somehow they all have it), BPD and also transsexualism to top it all off. NONE of it professionally diagnosed of course. And you don't see these people claiming schizophrenia or psychopathy, I guess because those disorders aren't seen as 'omg quirkyyyyy!'
And before anyone has a go at me about autism being underdiagnosed in females, yes that absolutely is a thing, while mass appropriation and faking for social victim points is ALSO a thing. And it needs to be acknowledged because the attention-whoring clout seekers are not doing genuinely autistic girls any favours when it comes to getting help and how society sees them.
When I was 11, I had my first meltdown. It was over the stress of homework and not being able to receive help. My parents filmed me screaming and crying and told me I'd look back on the moment and think it was funny. They didn't know I was autistic (I'm high-functioning and undiagnosed, but realized it was likely the case after it was brought up by therapist after therapist). Nearly twenty years later, my parents and siblings and cousins and I are watching home videos. The meltdown plays on the screen, I'm reminded of it all over again. I saw a child in immense pain with no escape. Everyone else laughed. This caused me to need to withdraw so I could have another meltdown... this time alone.
To kids or adults with families who don't understand no matter how you explain it, I'm sorry. I've been there. I am there. I don't have friends who I feel comfortable around either. But I hope you're able to find a supportive network and people who get you. I hope you're able to live a life that's made at least a little easier by having loving and understanding people around you. ❤
It disturbs me how common it is for adults to shame children for not being able to express their emotions in a healthy way as if they weren’t supposed to help teach that, and as if it weren’t expected of children, or really anyone suffering from stress. I would dissociative episodes where I would have no energy to get out of bed to go and do my responsibilities, and when my parents would try to force me to go, I would have meltdowns in response to the lack of control. My mom started repeatedly sending group messages to the parents of the people I was in clubs with and stuff saying I was refusing to be responsible that day. When she finally successfully shamed me into going to my events, almost every time at least one other parent would come up and ask if I was okay. Because they recognized that it’s fucking weird behavior to shame and publicly embarrass your child. A lot of kids’ first bully’s are their parents.
My parents were the type of people to film my meltdowns and post them online so I would just run to my room and board the door with my body so that they couldn’t get in and humiliate me.
i experienced the same ❤️🩹 thank you for sharing ❤️🩹
@@vanilla4983 run away. im not kidding. your parents are fucking insane.
god that sounds awful. I'm so sorry you went through that and were alone. Sending you virtual hugs!
It honestly made me tear up learning that my uncontrollable fits of yelling and anger are really meltdowns. It's always felt like I was possessed or that I couldn't stop myself but it didn't seem like angry outbursts I'd seen from allistic people. I had been so judgemental of myself for these my whole life
That actually perfectly describes what I felt like whenever I got really upset (before learning I was autistic) and I after I was always upset, saying I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t think anyone else was actually autistic, so I just didn’t know why I was like that. Why I couldn’t be normal about things.
Same! It really messed up my self esteem.
Same here. I barely remember any of the many times it happened because it was mostly when i got overwhelmed when talking to my mom or because something i said was misinterpreted because my tone is very flat or annoyed no matter what i do, but apparently i said some terrible things. I would scratch up my arms and scratch at my scalp. I would scream so loud the cops were called twice. But i was blackout upset. I didnt realize until this video that those could have been meltdowns. It would happen almost once or twice a week at one point. And that was when my stress levels were through the roof. I always felt terrible after the fact because i never meant any of what i said, i only know what i said because my mom told me after.
Hopefully now that you understand what is happening inside yourself a bit better, you can put some supports in place so you aren’t overwhelmed to the point of meltdown so often. Meltdowns, whatever form they manifest in, are just miserable, and minimizing them would have to be more pleasant, I’d think! 🤔
The worst place for a shutdown is at work, where people still expect you to interact with them. I start garbling my words and sometimes end up being unable to form even the most basic sentences.
Wait, that's a shutdown thing???
I... I definitely have that happen to me... often...
I get that, I tend to be dyslexic - placing words in the wrong order.
so uncomfortable.
I become volatile i hate when they wont leave me alone but when they try to force me I say mean stuff or only a few words
This so relatable. I have been let go from too many jobs to count due to meltdowns or shutdowns. I have degree, but never stay anywhere long enough to accumulate benefits or retirement funds. It’s not a good way to go through life.
the self harming as a self regulating/stimulating behavior needs to be talked about more. I hit my head when I'm having a meltdown and I think it's genuinely caused some damage but I don't talk about it to any medical professionals because I fear of being judged.
I reacted in this way too-- started self harming in 5th grade when I felt uncontrollably angry or upset, because I knew I would be punished if other people saw my emotions and it was the only thing that could 'snap me out of it'
I never related to people who were doing it because they're sad, and had a hard time convincing anyone who noticed that it wasn't for attention or something
it was a tool-- a bad tool, but an effective one.
yea, i’d hit my head, bite my arms, all while crying and cursing at myself. i’m still trying to find a way to handle it better, but being in that headspace makes it so difficult
I hope one day you realize that you should be more worried about your brain's health than the judgment of doctors. F them. WHo cares what they think? If a doctor doesn't understand what an autistic meltdown is, they're a TERRIBLE doctor anyway.
All of this. Oddly, I used to do a lot of deliberate self harm through childhood up into my 30's. It's only in the last few years (late 40's) that I've really started head banging and it's effing terrifying for myself and my husband. it's scary enough that I've almost considered getting some sterile vacu needles to use just to avoid concussing myself. I get migraines so head trauma is incredibly unsafe for me 😔 So many people think that if you hold a job and have a seemingly "normal" or "successful" life you can't possibly be dealing with things like head banging or meltdowns, but we absolutely do. They just don't see it. I sometimes thing that almost makes it worse, because I think "if I can hold off until I'm alone, why can't I just not do it?!" It's hard 😟
I’ve gone into a meltdown and hit myself in the face multiple times and the person who was with me just got mad at me for it, and I just wish there was understanding about it all instead of judgement.
I'm autistic, I also have an anxiety disorder. The fact that meltdowns can feel like panic attacks and therefore assuming that my panic attacks were meltdowns and constantly being told by both neurotypical autism experts (they do exist) and other autists that being 'a bit anxious' is normal is what led my anxiety disorder to go undiagnosed until I was in my late thirties.
It wasn't until I got meds for my anxiety and my panic attacks went away that I realised that most of my actual meltdowns are of the 'shutdown' type.
Neurodiversity is complicated.
Me too. I have ADHD, anxiety, and major depression disorder and self diagnosed autism. Sometimes my brain doesn't work like I want it to, at those times I just don't talk. Can't even remember which comment I'm replying to, so here you go!
It is. I now have ADHD, ASD 1 and GAD diagnoses. Meltdowns, which run the gamut of types for me, could come from any or all - or none I suppose. I’ve been trying to work out a med regimen for years, but I’m changeable and it does seem to follow that problems from one diagnosis complicate my response to meds for another. Also I seem to be med sensitive.
Learning to live with it and manage it has some appeal, except I’ve gotten worse as I’ve reached early old age, and it’s been destroying my marriage. Maybe if I’d had more of a clue what was going on decades ago, things would be in better shape, but I didn’t.
I remembered! Meds basically turned me into a zombie. I thought anxiety was basically synonymous with autism, so I'll need to look further into that, if you reply too, that will help bunches more. It makes sense now why the prescribed meds never worked but I will say they helped -- in that, I didn't think so much.
I had the opposite. My meltdowns were misinterpreted as "panic attacks" and "anger issues" when they were actually meltdowns. None of the anxiety medications seemed to do anything and anger management was just basically gaslighting me. I got no help for it until I was properly diagnosed. ADHD medication calms me down and I have another medication that reduces the intensity of the meltdowns. It would be nice if mental health professionals and medical doctors knew more about neurodivergence, since they would likely be the first to encounter someone reporting symptoms, but they don't seem to know much at all, and I had a lot of harmful mismanagement.
lol it is so complicated, i had pretty much the opposite experience until learning about autism in adulthood
"You can't be autistic because my 3 year old relative is autistic and does X" and goes on to describe everything I did when I was that child's age.
Ikr
I get this every time, every time I argue with someone online and say I'm autistic, WITHOUT FAIL EVERY SINGLE TIME, their response is "I'm autistic too, that's not an excuse". And then they go on to berate me for actually autistic behaviours and articulation, etc.
I have, on the contrary, been told I look autistic, and called the r word also, a lot. So the assumption that this "you don't look autistic!" thing is a thing that everyone has heard at least once, really gets on my nerves. I've never been told "I don't look autistic", just that THEY also apparently have autism, and that no matter whether I'm autistic, there's no excuse for me behaving like an autistic person or misunderstanding things, having trouble with emotional regulation, executive function, and articulating myself.
growing up my parents had an established "no-whine-zone" rule, where you could only cry, throw tantrums, get upset, etc. in the privacy of your own room. While this helped them not have to listen to 4 screaming kids all day, it also caused me to internalize a lot of my feelings and learned how to prevent meltdowns or even just stimming until I was in the safety of my room (or at work/school, in the bathroom). As I've gotten older and grown up, I recently realized that this practice has caused me to self-isolate in my spare time so i can "be myself," as well as loath any form of social interaction and consequently avoid it. I've also noticed that I show a severe lack of emotion when I'm around people, usually by subconsciously choosing to zone out and daydream so I won't get excited or upset and risk unmasking. It's mostly evident in how often I take bathroom breaks at work and school, during which I usually am just standing in the stall stimming or freaking out.
In the end, I guess this has helped me mask whatever this is (i'm not diagnosed so I won't say its ASD or whatever) but I really don't feel that its healthy because I'm always exhausted and I feel like it impacts my ability to focus.
literally me except instead of a no whine zone it was my parents yelling at me
Whatever it is, it’s still a really big thing in life that affects you hugely. I hope one day it gets better! ❤
bro my parents would yell at me to stop screaming and then make me stand in the corner, after that I would go to my room and cry and scream about it more. I'm not sure if my (sometimes) uncontrollable tantrums might mean I am autistic, but I am about 96% sure I have ASD.
Part of my imposter syndrome around “am I really autistic” is because I don’t really notice meltdowns in myself. Shutdowns sometimes, but I don’t have the “stereotypical” meltdown, and would doubt myself for it. But in introspection to my past, I used to breakdown in tears constantly. After my mom said I never cried as a baby, at some point in my early childhood I was known for frequent outbursts of uncontrollable crying…. Except that all stopped in the 1st grade (6years old). I was crying, in class, no memory of why, and my teacher put me in the front of the room facing the wall behind the door while the class all watched me until I stopped. I was unable to connect with any emotions for a good 10+ years after this. Seeing videos like this helps me validate myself. Thank you.
Oh, the imposter syndrome :( Sometimes mine is so bad on awful days I meltdown just from watching content focused on being neurodivergent in general....
The teacher thing is so real! I would get scolded for crying and told to “stop the waterworks.” Like a 10 year old can purposely manipulate you by crying… just very relatable that you were forced to internalize meltdowns.
As a little kid i used to cry a Lot, thought i don't think it was uncontrolable as My mom said she would warn me to be careful not to hit My head with anything and i would listen
In Elementary school i would also cry constantly and hide under the tables, i have no recollection of why
When i went to get My COVID vaccine ( i am deadly scared of shots) i started sobbing uncontrolably, My vision went blurry, i could hear people talk but couldnt figure out What they were saying and it was hard to breathe (dad said i was hyperventilating) next thing I remember an army lady was bringing me back with breathing exercises until i calmed down enough to get the shot
Another time while at a party the noise started to get a bit too much, the sound of the clapping and music became overwhelming and i started crying uncontrolably, i locked myself in the bathroom and when that wasnt enough, i walked out of the house, onto the street and just colapsed on the pavement, My dad had to take me to the car and i Stayed there for the rest of the party
How can I diferenciate between What might be an anxiety of panick attack or a childhood tantrum from a possible autistic meltdown?
I also barely cried as a baby, my mom says i was very easy. Now as an adult I cry very easily
What a horrible teaching decision!! Shaming should never be used in the classroom. My blood is boiling rn
I am absolutely enraged on your behalf. There was no excuse for them to take the phone from you. And then to go on and be "horrified" by you having a hard time. You are not and we're not a bad person.
I can see how much it still effects you today. You are amazing and wonderful and brave.
Yes this. Commenting to bump this up. I hope Meg sees it 😊
Same here! Nobody should do this to ANY child, autistic or not. Taking the phone away from her (when she was already clearly very distressed) while she was in the middle of talking to her mum?! Why not just give her the phone back and let her redial? I can't believe how appalling this was.
@@letsrock1729And it was hers anyway (well her mom's, but she brought it) they didn't have the right to take it!
I was deeply distressed by the description of the phone incident too! This struck me as abusive ignorance on the part of the adults.
@@KrisRN23935 Right?! The whole incident actually feels sadistically deliberate. Or, at the very least, shows a complete lack of emotional empathy for a young child. And I also find it very disturbing that these were (albeit 'distant') family members who her mum obviously trusted to take care of her properly for 2 nights.
I get flat out told "You're NOT autistic." Apparently I'm just rude and temperamental and don't try hard enough. Must be that I like being hated.
In public I usually run and hide in the bathroom. I have been known to turn into a rampaging grizzly bear. At home, I've found beating my bed or partner with swim noodles to be non damaging and therapeutic.
I hope your partner is okay with that. Pool noodles might not hurt but feeling like a punching bag isn't fun.
I was just diagnosed. I am afraid of telling people because they won't believe me. It is hard enough to cope with the new diagnosis without my family rejecting it. If they be alone with me perhaps they'd see how weird I really am. I pace and talk to myself, always have.
Yeah, I got told for years that I was "lazy" and "had anger issues" when I actually had ADHD (diagnosed and definitely correct) and (probably) ASD with meltdowns. The gaslighting is real, sibling.
I hope the "partner with a pool noodle" thing is something your partner is okay with.
You might consider getting an actual punching bag, getting hand wraps and gloves, and learning to punch with technique (so you don't hurt your hands). Its a socially acceptable and non-harmful way to do the same activity, and I found it quite beneficial. Good exercise as well.
Yes, I find this so relatable.
@@swissarmyknight4306 Yes! I was so gaslighted by my mother in particular when I was growing up. I had so much anxiety, which made me fearful of doing a lot of thiings. I got ridiculed and bullied by my family (and also classmates), because I was "that weird kid".
I'm now 60 years old, and just got diagnosed ASD 4 months ago. Suddenly my whole life makes more sense! But I feel like my life was stolen from me by never getting the help I needed. It's been a long, hard, 60 years! 😒
I spent so much of my life thinking that I had terrible anger issues because I'm low-support, high-masking, hyperverbal, & hyperlexic; i.e. no diagnosis. I had several suspensions from middle school at the beginning of the school year when I was 11, the age my district moved us all up to that school. When I worked retail, I had meltdowns every Christmas season. I think I punched the lockers at work during one because when I came out my knuckles were bleeding. After a while I thought I had figured out how to deal with it only to realize, after looking at my life through the lens of autism, that I had been having shutdowns.
When I have a shutdown, I dream of screaming that night.
Im also hyperverbal hyperlexic and low support needs, and that combination can maybe make meltdowns smth that i identify with and embody in my head rather than in my body. rather than smth that "happens to me" bc i can intellectualize so much, am generally very sensitive and emotional but also logical at the same time. Pda doesnt help.
So when sb doesnt treat me right, injustices are an immediate trigger. And eveb when im melting down bc of smth else, sb trying to help me but not GETTING IT makes me wanna hurt them verbally uncontrollably bc that feels like the only thing that makes me safe, the fighting back. The somehow "breaking through" and reaching them. Wishing they could just take my anger and take me. Not take it personally, but not be cold and unaffected either... Does that make sense? I am still trying to figure out if what i am describing is really meltdowns
Its like i want a second nervous system to feel my pain so it can be managable bc its then only half the pain for me
It sounds so unhealthy and toxic but i promise im not choosing it with my right mind or even a mind that is capable of understanding what im doing in that moment...
@@violettaschmieder2096 akin wanting the kin to stay when you say go away and you mean both go away and stay to both them and the state of being at the moment?
Yo… I didn’t have a CLUE about shutdowns!😭 even in kindergarten my teacher, parents, & even my 5 year old friends could clock a shutdown *the moment it started.* And they knew there was no bringing me out of it either, it just took time.
I remember my best friend in kindergarten seeing me shut down, & telling our classmates to leave me alone so I wouldn’t cry. (She even created a physical barrier between me & everyone else, using her body- BLESS HER! She was so protective of me🥲 there were a few times she even kept our teacher from me because she just wanted me to have the space I needed but couldn’t vocalize in the moment.) Even in kindergarten, she knew to ask first, before hugging me when I was like that too.
I remember as I got older & had homework, my mom would be very vocal about me shutting down too. She even explaining it to various teachers, as I got older & didn’t outgrow this behavior, as “It’s like watching a garage door slam shut on her brain.” And this happened more often when I was very anxious about something too.
Swimming lessons gave me anxiety as a kid, & that often meant I wasn’t participating in class, because I had shut down & was unable to engage. When I had swim lessons elsewhere & with an instructor who I would’ve gladly spent the whole day alone with, I did *really well* in my lessons. My mom was so relieved because she couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t participating before, & aside from it giving me anxiety, I’ve never really had an answer for her. But back then I didn’t even know how to identify anxiety, let alone a shut down.
I remember feeling very angry about that description though- even at 5. I felt like nothing was “shut down” & everything inside was extremely overwhelming, so to call it a “shutdown” felt like the antithesis to what was actually going on.
And while they may have become less frequent as I got older, I still remember this happening quite often in junior high & high school too. Especially if a teacher behaved in a way that felt like they were bullying a student, or the whole class.
But “shutdown” makes it sound like everything has come to a screeching halt. When the reality is so far from that… this is why I’m so grateful people keep talking about their experiences. So many of us have felt things that we thought were strange & unique to us. But there’s actually a name for that feeling, & loads of other people can relate to it.
I had atypical panic attacks as a small child & teenager, but I didn’t figure out they were panic attacks until I was like 20. And the advice I had been given as a kid was to just pray. Just sit alone in my room, & pray until the feeling goes away. I’m not saying prayer is useless… but I am saying that it wasn’t what I needed then, & it wasn’t helpful for what I was going through. On top of that, it made me feel like a bad Christian- that I was doing something so wrong that God had to make me feel horrible & panicked & sick & fearful & heartbroken & anxious in order to make me pray “enough”.
So *thank you* to every single person who has been vulnerable and shared your experience(s)! Your efforts likely do *far* more good than you’ll ever know.🫶💛🤟
When i got diagnosed, i got told that my autism might be an illness send by satan and if i tried praying it away. Fair to say it did not work and made me question the christian faith more than i already was
I used to have meltdowns a lot back when I lived with my parents, and they kinda used it as an excuse for the longest time as to why I'm not ready to live on my own. I moved out on my own four years ago, and I realized I haven't had a meltdown in that entire time. It kinda hit me that the reason I kept having meltdowns while I was living with my parents was because, even when I said I needed time to myself to recuperate from family events, school, ect. I didn't really get the space that I needed to NOT get overwhelmed. And if I did take the space I needed, I was often shamed for locking myself in my room. I was often ignored when I said I needed time to myself or need a few minutes before doing a task. Now that I'm living on my own I can remove myself from situations that are overwhelming me, or take as much time as I need after work to cool down and come back to zero. Because I have control now over when I can get time to recuperate, I haven't had a meltdown in years.
Living alone is solely responsible for my decline in meltdowns, from daily to a few times a year. I can control my silence, my noise, my lighting, my schedule, so on and so forth. It was what I needed.
i’m literally going through this right now! i have constant meltdowns now that i’m living back at home bc my parents trigger tf out of me constantly. so they use it against me and tell me that i can’t move out and that i’ll never be independent because i have meltdowns. they don’t get that the meltdowns are because of them.
I think the same dynamic applied for me, but in reverse. I don’t really remember having meltdowns as a child, but I spent a lot of time in my room, mostly drawing and reading comics. My mother gave me lots of space, even to the point of letting me miss a ton of school. I started melting down more as an adult, when “demands started exceeeding capacity” to a much greater extent. This runs counter to conventional wisdom, which still tends to view autism as a childhood condition that can be “outgrown” for some.
But I suspect that a lot of the typical dynamic revolves around the fact that kids tend not to have much autonomy, and adults usually have more. It strikes me that my level of dysregulation, through my life, probably corresponds roughly to the level of demands vs. the ability to withdraw I have had. An interesting insight.
My experience pretty similar.
I feel for you so deeply!!!
I've lived on my own for a long time now, and my meltdowns are very rare. However last week there's been a fire in my apartment, the place is trashed now, so I moved back in with my mum. On the first few days after the fire she also came to "help" me clean up, but refused to give me space even though I kept directly asking her for HOURS. I now have multiple meltdowns a day and of course I am the evil bitch who stresses everyone out 🫠
I can't wrap my head around why would anyone ignore a serious request for a brief period of solitude, when the person communicates it clearly and repeatedly. Neurotypicals are the ones with a communication disorder, in my opinion!!!
From my experience, a common metldown/shutdown trigger is when things aren't the way they're supposed to be in my brain. I think in terms of absolutes, so when I get in a circumstance where at least one of my absolutes is going to be broken no matter what I do, I just completely freak out.
That's a huge trigger for me as well! In short, anything that's different from the norm, or not what I was expecting will send me into a freak out. Depending on the situation, and how I'm generally feeling that day, it could be a minor or a more major freak out!
There’s a version I have that I swear feels like this: two of my foundational absolutes contradict each other, like bad computer code. If the two opposing commands get loaded into the pipeline at the same time, the conflict crashes my system.
Yes! This!!!
I hate when that happens. I've always gotten called a spoiled brat for not getting my way when I get in this bind. It didn't occur to me/I didn't get diagnosed until my mid 30s, so I had already internalized the spoiled brat thing. Did a lot of damage to my mental state.
Yes! I have this, one of the biggest triggers for me is when I get the visceral feeling that something is just "wrong", it's not meant to be that way, this isn't how it was planned, it's just **wrong** and I often say "no, no, no, that's wrong, okay, no, that's wrong, no, okay, no" and that feeling of wrongness can really easily cause a meltdown or shutdown, feels like I'm short-circuiting
Growing up my father was extremely emotionally abusive and yelled at us constantly. Whenever he did I just completely shut down, not responding to anyone for awhile.
Dude same but it was my mom, she was also physically abusive.
@@c0rps3xk1ttyI was raised Catholic and my parent's favorite punishment was making me kneel on the hard kitchen floor for five to ten minutes at a time.
That's a normal response to abuse for anyone regardless of autism diagnosis. When we are extremely fearful our brain responds through fight, flight, or freeze. What you are describing is the freeze response.
This is my experience too as I believe my father is undiagnosed autistic, and we would get physical and emotional abuse if we triggered a meltdown by chewing too loud or running the water too loud or being kids in any discernible way. I really want to understand, but it seems like no one talks about it. Even Google says "do you mean parenting a child with autism?" Nope. I've had therapists suggest he's a narcissist but that's just false, and I suspect ableist, so I end up defending him rather than healing from him. I wish someone would just let it be complicated and listen.
@@valerielevasseur8674That's so sad, I'm sorry :( Yeah, unfortunately Google is not very helpful these days. I totally understand your dad's reactions, as I want to do the same things sometimes. But, I know that reacting that way isn't ok, so I try my darndest to control myself or take a break from things. He sounds like he could at least use noise canceling headphones, and some awareness of his actions and why it makes him respond like that. I hope that he can get the help he needs some day, and I'm sorry you guys had to live with that :((
Finding out that my uncontrollable sobbing might be meltdowns is quite helpful. My parents never understood why "stupid things" made me cry (and neither did I). I'm on a waiting list for a diagnosis and I really hope it answers my questions. Thank you, a lot.
Having been told to "be normal" or "not overreact" or "not be such a drama queen" my entire childhood, my meltdowns tend to be shutdowns a lot. Or otherwise me devolving into a ball of tears when I'm in a safe environment. But I have had meltdowns when alone and things have been broken... it's scary.
Did it help you to learn to hide it or control it? I'm a mam trying to do the best for my son. Thanks for your help
@ No. it's just been traumatizing.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with food and clothing options. It's rough. And of course, people are always like "Why are you upset about picking out food/clothes?"
Pretty much.
Not sure if I’m actually autistic, but all the screening tests I’ve taken online say I’m at least much closer to it than being a regular neurotypical. Anyway, I was on a road trip this summer with a friend, and we stopped at a cheese haus in Wisconsin. I had been looking forward to it, but I got so overwhelmed by all the options that my friend noticed something was wrong. I basically ended up just trying what she tried and then buying what she bought. I couldn’t manage making my own decisions.
For me if i'm forced to wear certain kinds of clothing then i'll eventually have a shutdown
"I thought I was just a grumpy person that needed to get over it."
Exactly this!
I literally wore a Grumpy dwarf shirt all the time... 🤨
@@LadywatchingByrd I had Oscar the Grouch on my bedroom door!
I have what I assume are meltdowns when I have to leave my house to socialize or visit family. Happens every time. If a visit on a certain date is approaching, it can ruin my week and on the day of, I get SO overwhelmed. I feel trapped, irritated at how important it is to others to socialize and visit but it’s not important to me, I’m angry that I have to do it in order to keep peace and maintain connections. I hate it. It stresses me tf out.
I feel this so hard 😞 everyone else gets so worked up over birthdays and holidays, but I don’t understand it. Why can’t we celebrate when it’s most convenient instead of the exact date? Why do we force ourselves to spend time with people we don’t get along with? I have meltdowns around any “big” day and I always expect the worst now (so I’m less disappointed in the long run). Other people’s dysregulation really affects me :/
I get this too
@@Quesadilla16 I only attend celebrations when I know I get on with the people who will be there. As for the dates of certain festivities, well it sort of is important. I mean, it's my birthday when it's my birthday and not a week before or later. The day means something to me. Same as it's Xmas on the day it, well, IS.
I cannot return to my childhood home. I don't know if they are meltdowns, flashbacks or panic attacks, but I just can't. I'm probably autistic, have C-PTSD, MDD.
It feels as if I'm entering a prison that I can't escape. If another person does not go with me (and I have to go for family events such as important birthdays), there is no way I can get on the bus without sobbing and beating my head against the window.
The shame and embarrassment... I'm over 50.
Me too. Retreating to bathrooms is the only way I can cope being around family for so long.
i cried while watching this just remembering past experiences with meltdowns, i’m not quite sure if i’m autistic or not, but the memory of the overwhelming feeling of misunderstanding and losing control is enough to make me physically respond rn
Before diagnosis I tried my best to avoid meltdowns, fearing scaring people with my rage. After a few years of living alone, I find when I have privacy to meltdown it's the most healing cathartic thing. I cry, scream, throw myself on the ground, the earth seems to absorb the stress. Trees help too. I find meltdowns extreme and hard, it's like I feel every emotion that was suppressed in my ancestry by those that were excluded. After I am exhausted, but if I have let myself explode properly, I feel cleansed afterwards. It's like a storm, that clears my mind. I don't stop it anymore. It's hell during, sometimes I remember to eft tap. I prefer to be alone with nature, as people judge me. It's the judgment that harm me the most.
I think a lot of people need to know if your a ‘high functioning’ autistic still is autism
Absolutely; just because I can talk doesn’t mean I’m not disabled! 🤦♀️
Yes omg. It's like telling someone that's a mixed race "well, you don't look mixed" like gee, thanks a lot! Thanks for not trying to understand what's beyond your line of vision 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Lol that reminds me of little kids when they're like, "if I can't see it, it's not there!"
I relate this to my hearing loss ... I can hear certain things but I am still deaf. People think that hearing aids will work perfectly - they don't. Also sounds I don't usually hear overwhelm me as a result.
@@misspat7555I just yesterday saw some jerks saying that low support needs autistic people aren't actually disabled. I sure af gave him a handful. I didn't spent half my life wondering why there are so many things that are supposed to be easy impossible for me. I swear I got soo pissed.
@@emilybolen128 My mom used to tell a story about her baby brother. When he was about 2 1/2, their mom saw him leave the kitchen with a fresh baked bun, hiding it behind his back but still in plain sight from other points of view. Grandma broke out in gales of laughter. Mom was outraged. "If I had done that it would have earned me a switching!" She was 8 years older than the brother.
I am an autistic person who has had C-PTSD since I was very young. I was adopted and my teachers tried to tell my parents that they believed I had Asperger's (now ASD) but my parents and doctors blamed everything on trauma. I'm now in my 20's and I have found so much more help understanding the difference between my meltdowns and actual panic attacks. I love watching these videos because it finally feels like I've found people who relate to my experiences
I can relate (except I wasn't adopted - my mother was just violent and brought me around inappropiate people). It is a wonderful to recognize the differences and interesting how it all works.
Thank you for sharing this 🧡
Would you mind explaining a bit further as to how you distinguish your meltdowns from panic attacks?
I was diagnosed with Borderline PD, and I honestly can't tell the difference from BPD and autistic shut/ meltdown from this video, and I've been trying to work out for a while whether I am on the spectrum or not....
I got diagnosed with autism and cptsd the government has to say I'm skits so I can have a injection every two weeks it helps me. But lots of medicine made my meltdowns worse. Good luck to you friend
The story of you having a meltdown when you were having a hard time and your only source of comfort was taken away from you as a child hit hard 😔 I have so many similar memories from my childhood and it’s hard for me to even think about them. It really sucks how so many adults don’t know how to act around neurodivergent children
Many adults don't know how to act around any children. Children in general should not be treated like that! It is totally inappropriate - and then those adults are shocked, when the child reacts accordingly. Horrific! 🤬
@@CaroEllis Exactly. This terrible experience would have been traumatic for a neurotypical child too. Imo, far too many adults can't remember how it actually felt to be a child and to see/experience the world through a child's eyes.
Another thing is that not many adults know what autism is, for example my dad and I struggle to explain thing so I cant tell him without him misunderstanding
@@mb-sb5ever I understand your point and very often struggle to explain myself to NTs as well. But whether or not an adult understands autism, has nothing to do with this situation. NO child should be treated this way while in distress.
@@letsrock1729 I agree I'm just saying why it's more likely.
Past
Autistic child has meltdown:
Adult: stop being naughty
Present
Autistic child has meltdown:
Adult: * helps using desired method*
Uneducated adults: stop being naughty
That is what I tried to explain to my dad since as I work in a Nursery where the word naughty is 'banned' and he didn't understand saying that if the child is being naughty then they are being naughty
My son just had a massive meltdown. He's an adult and said I could share. It's so helpless from the outside. I just kept him from self harm. I could not reach him with words. He's okay now. This video really helped me help him.
Thank you for talking about su*c*dal ideation during meltdowns. I am recently diagnosed ASD & ADHD. I have these "episodes" (I never knew what they were) where I become incredibly overwhelmed and agitated and feel an incredible amount of emotional pain, and I have to go home so that I don't run out into traffic. For a time in my life I could not drive because of these episodes as I had frequent urges to crash my car. I didn't realise I was having meltdowns. This video has been really informative, thank you! I've had all of those types of meltdowns in my lifetime.
The biggest cause of my meltdowns are when someone tells me to do something i was already going to do, but i hadnt scheduled to do it yet.
I kind of see all meltdowns as a form of self harm. Im usually hitting myself or pulling at my hair but even screaming til my throat hurts, thats self harm.
I know right.... I remember banging my head on the floor when i was little..... Now too, it's such a physical agony that in the moment i just want to rip myself to shreds.....
For me it causes shutdowns. I doomscroll and can't do anything else.
ua-cam.com/users/shorts-DRbpQB9_Aw?si=r2G0cPBSUDIV2cP3 I relate to the first one so much
Paige Layle did a video on self injurious behaviors (largely in meltdowns as you
describe, but also injurious stims like skin picking), and she drew a distinction between these, which are basically involuntary, and self harm, which is more purposeful. I found it a useful distinction, because self harm is especially stigmatized. (Of course, I’ve done both. 😞) That’s just an FYI in case you are interested.
Oh man I know what ya mean. This really p's me off. It's like it sends me over the edge and I start shouting. Gosh I dunno why I get like that man. It's not even a big deal and yet it feels like it is
It probably plays into the PDA profile! Also massive agree, it causes harm to the person no matter how conventional it seems. Also, love your work Hamish
This popped up literally just after I had a panic attack/uncontrollable crying type of meltdown.
Side note that I'm very glad to hear another autistic say they like to be hugged/touched during a meltdown. I've had a lot of imposter syndrome over the fact that so many people say they don't want to be touched during a meltdown, but I crave being cradled or snuggled and having my head petted. Only by certain people, but the desire for touch is really strong for me.
Same for me, very specifically only by my husband and he knows not to ask anything, just to hold me at that moment
That’s good and probably a healthy sign. From my own sense of myself, I have theorized that a certain amount of the need not to be touched has to do with whether lived experience has taught a person to associate human contact with an expectation that the person in meltdown will “snap out of it” or at least respond as a result. I haven’t been okay with touch for a long time, but I used to be helped by proximity, because it lacked the feeling of a demand to engage.
Of course, not wanting to be touched can also be a sensory issue, and that varies among autistic people. I have an autistic friend who is a big hugger. I’m not...
Undiagnosed & still figuring things out, but I'm the same way. When I'm melting down or shutting down, the thing I usually want most is a really tight, crush-my-soul-back-into-my-body hug that lasts longer than most people will give it of their own accord, disappointingly. The worst part of this is the fact that I tend to try to stave off my meltdowns & shutdowns until I'm alone, and giving myself the hug I need usually only makes it worse by reinforcing the fact that I'm alone, which my brain just uses against me in that moment.
All this to say, you're not alone.
Yes! I love a tight hug from my girlfriend too
We are all different. Some don't want to be touched, but others do. I had a neurodivergent GF who liked to be tightly hugged. She said it made her heart rate go down.
Accepting it as an uncontrollable medical condition may sound like “giving up” and not taking accountability for it but it was the single most helpful thing I ever did for it. For me, meltdowns are guilt and all consuming self-hatred to the most intense extent imaginable. So you can imagine how that compounds when you’re desperately trying to stop it, wanting nothing else in this world but to stop it, becoming more angry and horrified and disgusted with yourself as you watch yourself dissolve, which makes more fury, horror, terror. . .
Then I had the worst one. I had a potassium deficiency and dehydration during it, and those factors pushed it over into an entirely new level. Muscle convulsions, memory blackout, screaming to the point of bodily injury I never knew a human being was capable of, much less myself. That one was SO, SO fucking bad that I knew for a fact I had no control. Had an ambulance called on me and taken to the hospital because it genuinely seemed like some sort of seizure. Only to be told it was an extreme panic attack (doctor didn’t know I had autism wasn’t officially diagnosed on paper back then). And there were a couple after that but it was the start of changing my perspective from “evil manipulative thing I’m doing to myself” into “neurological medical incident”.
Since putting them in the same “camp” as seizures or panic attacks, they now look a lot more like just crying and hyperventilating, maybe some bizzare laughing. Versus the uncontrollable screaming, collapsing, self harming traumatic demonic nightmares they used to be. If I have another one, and I will, I won’t see it as my fault. And because of that, they haven’t happened. . . not like they used to. I still tear up when I think of past ones, but I view them as medical incidences instead of my deepest regrets.
I’m so glad to hear that they’ve improved just by understanding them better. I’m trying to think of my meltdowns and shutdowns differently, and it’s still hard. I’ve tried so hard to suppress any behavior that could get me in trouble or have people see me as weird and the self-hatred that builds out of that makes it so so much worse.
I've had a meldown yesterday and while i started freakung out and acting like a freak i was thinking "omg whats wrong with me why am i doing this STOPP" but i kept doing itthen i locked myself in my moms car and was so embarrassed and disgusted with myself so much and felt so shameful. And i did that infront of my two cousins who have never seen me like that it was so embarrassing and i dont even know what to do anymore and my mon doesnt think im autistic im just adhd and veing sensitive?
Life sucks
oh my god, I’m lying in bed crying, because your description of shutdowns is exactly what I experience all the time. thank you. I finally have at least an ideas as to what’s wrong with me.
About the "meltdown kit": I have a personal aid kit that's intended not just for (after) meltdowns, but anytime I feel stressed. Showing kindness to yourself even when you don't feel like you 'need it' yet is so important. My aid kit has some fidgets- touch, taste, hearing. It has old sunglasses for if the light gets too much, painkillers for if my chronic pain is contributing to the overload (spoiler: it always is), and an emergency bracelet for if I can't communicate which says I have autism & am mute. It also has various bandaids and distilled water and other things you'd find in a standard first aid kit, anything that's simple to use. I take it on every trip out of the house.
As an autistic person who has never had a meltdown I wish I knew more about this.
I can tell you its among the most painful things in my life. The physical pain is bad enough. The teeth clenching is so violent that I fear I'm going to break my teeth, which often hurt bad enough that it hurts to chew. My jaw clenches so hard that not only are my jaw muscles messed up, but so are my neck muscles. I've clenched my fists so hard that I've damaged something in my forearm, which took weeks to heal. It is very difficult not to scream in pain, which others misinterpret as screaming in anger.
When I was in high school a young lady I was dating witnessed one (in which I didn't say anything to her or even look at her, just tried to suppress it), the first one I hadn't been able to hide since before high school, and she not only broke up with me, but decided I was an "evil man" and she and her friends started a campaign of actively trying to ruin my life and reputation, which they restarted and continued on social media over a decade later (because I don't act out of malice, it took me until my mid-20's to realize that others do, even in adulthood). I've been hiding them ever since. I've kept people at a distance and I never learned to be close because of it.
Outsiders perceive them as "anger" or "rage" but I don't experience anger, just my fight response going crazy in a way that isn't connected with my life or emotions. I had an incompetent therapist try to treat me for "anger issues" which is basically just professional gaslighting for a neurodivergent person. Now that I've been properly diagnosed, I'm on medication to suppress the severity. Its reduced the pain by about half.
Personally, I can become inconsolable for a very long time. It either starts with almost like anxiety or panic attack, especially heavy breathing. Other times, it starts with unstoppable crying and sobbing. Sometimes, it happens very quickly because of things that happened throughout the course of the day, and sometimes, it starts very quickly. I physically can't stop myself from self-harming, whether that's through scratching myself until the skin breaks or hitting myself.
During my shutdowns, I lose the ability to speak. It's like there's this block or disconnect from my mouth to my brain. If I try to speak, I can't form the words. I can usually make sounds or small noises, but speaking words is nearly impossible unless I try to force it (which doesn't work very often). This can also happen during meltdowns or after them.
As a fellow autistic person, I'm curious as to why you would wish to know more about them, if you've been fortunate enough to avoid such a fate?
@@cassettetape7643 I'm not sure that it really is fortunate. Turning them inward isn't necessarily any less damaging.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade Not everyone with ASD has them though.
i struggle a lot w sib (self injurious behaviors) during meltdowns and learned recently that i do a lot better at NOT hurting myself if i allow myself to truly let loose and be LOUD. if i'm screaming, i'm not scratching or pulling my hair or hitting my head against the wall lol. i know it's not always safe to be loud, but if you can and struggle w this, i recommend it!
It’s true. But it’s not safe for me at this point for a lot of reasons. 😓
Relatable, but less "being loud" and more "being weird." If I'm work from home, I can do some jumping jacks or stretches or click-click-click something without bothering anyone. At the office, silently injuring myself feels more 'polite.'
oh my god ! i realized this recently too ! i was listening to music and was having a difficult conversation through text and i got so overwhelmed. and instead of SH, i just turned up the music and let myself scream/cry, jump around, and hit the air (like roughly waving my arms around) until i got tired. i felt so much better after than when i suppress/contain myself.
I'm already extremely loud more then I want to be and still can't stop sib. I can never fully let it out let it out though because I'm usually around people and I'm in a apt complex and am scared of others hearing me
I scream into a pillow until my voice gives out. I had 2 meltdowns during Covid and I actually damaged my vocal cords! My voice has never been the same. 😢 Humming is my primary stim which is also hurting my vocal cords. I’m trying to whistle or sing loudly inside my head only…and it’s helping !
I just want to give little meg a big hug! I also wanted to be a “good” kid and had so many meltdowns when I was ever even slightly told off.
I’m so glad you mentioned shut downs because I’ve had moments when being yelled at by family and I would just shut down. I would barely be able to get words out and my heart would race really fast but I’m pretty sure I would have a neutral look on my face. It’s really horrible and I use to be so mad at myself that I couldn’t stand up for myself and say more or what I was thinking of saying before the conversation.
i was one of the people who answered the poll saying “i’m not sure” after hearing other peoples experiences and learning more, I AM sure and now I understand myself better and feel validated instead of feeling like a bad person who can’t control themself. Thank you for all you do.
The random nephew that head bangs? Lmao they'd be shocked how i look in private.
Heck, IM SHOCKED at how I look in private! There's times when I wish my husband wasn't home on my bad days.
@@taiweannoona1204 I feel that
Same
I would just tell them “I did that when I was a toddler and I still do, just not right now.”
might be one of the reasons I like metal music. screaming and banging your head is normal in metal. but apart from that there is just really good music in the vast realm of metal.
I watched earlier and a song came to my mind from Frozen. Elsa's part of "for the first time in forever " where Elsa is singing about"don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be"
That I feel like so many of us feel when we are fighting a meltdown
You've just awoken the memory of 11-12 year old me singing this in my head while trying to calm down 😭
@@bean2365 sorry for stirring up a bad memory.
Isn't that Let It Go, not First Time in Forever (Anna's song)?
@@jenniferdaniels701 let it go also uses the same lines, but the one that came to my mind was where it's sung with "for the first time in forever"
@@nickhoward5203 It's been probably a decade since I saw the movie, so I'm not surprised I didn't remember that.
Taking the shame and guilt out of meltdowns is so important! I so vividly remember one meltdown I had years ago, when I was on vacation with some relatives and broke down in the entrance hall to a museum! Usually I enjoy museums, but we'd been so busy for the past few weeks that it had been too much. I don't remember what I said, but I think I did start crying (which is so rare for me) and they listened to my request and left me alone in the waiting room. I tucked myself away in a chair in a corner, put on my headphones, and watched a comfort tv show, but I remember feeling so guilty like I'd spoiled the trip for everyone!
Looking back though, I think it really must have shown how much stress I was under, and everybody was so nice to me after. They even let me have a day alone in our hotel after so I could just relax. Although none of us had the words to understand what was happening, it was the only way I was able to communicate at the time and I'm grateful I was listened to!
Agh now I'm sobbing watching this remembering all of the embarrassing "episodes" I had as a kid because I was so stressed out and unable to keep it in.
Being gentle with yourself is the best advice ever. My meltdowns were so much worse when they were accompanied by guilt, self-blame, and criticism. My partner has also become an expert at dealing with my meltdowns. They used to make him angry because he thought I was doing it on purpose but now he approaches it entirely differently. He is kind and accommodating. He tries to limit sensory input and get me in a quiet space. He knows I may not be able to speak so he doesn’t demand I explain myself. Meltdowns are awful. I have given up many social activities and try to plan my work schedule and errands in a way that accommodates my needs. I have to choose my very favorite things to do and people to see because I know I cannot do everything and be everywhere. ❤
I recently had a meltdown/shutdown situation at school and found myself digging my fingernails into my arms. I wasn't able to cry or stim or let that tension and panic out any other way, so I just dug my nails in. It's also kind of traumatic after, like talking about them can get me a bit choked up, it's validating to see that other people have a similar choked-up feeling talking about really bad meltdowns. Also, later that day it made me feel really bad to look down at my arms and see the fingernail marks on them, because I really didn't want to do that to myself, but I felt so out of control that it was the only viable option. I guess guilt, shame, regret, or like just sad that I hurt myself like that when I didn't want to.
I started out doing this too when I didn't have any other option-- please be careful that it doesn't escalate
@@iluvhammys I'm so sorry that you felt that way as well and appreciate your concern. It definitely won't escalate though, I'm doing pretty good mentally compared to in the past.
This only happens when I'm home alone because I push everything down in public, but when I get overwhelmed I'll bite my hand (to prevent from screaming), punch the desk and my legs as hard as I can. It feels like I'm trying to externalize the pain and anger by causing physical pain instead. I remember doing the hand biting from a fairly early age and having other people laugh at me asin 'you're only hurting yourself, dummy'-type responses
I used to cut or bite my fingers or my tongue when I was in school around all the kids that bullied me (everyone hated me, everyone) because I too felt like it was a release for the emotional and/or mental pain I always felt
I used to do the hand biting, and I also would sometimes bite down on my tongue just to like keep my mind focused on it I guess and stop myself from doing anything else stupid. But when I was young I definitely used to hit my head off walls and tables and in more recent years I had punched myself in the face in front of my parents a couple of times, which has been met with a "what the hell was that, you lunatic" sort of response
I do bite my hand too, to prevent myself from punching my head :( But to me it feels way better than the punching, so I'm glad I'm moving away from that
biting myself has also been a response my body does when I'm just too overwhelmed. I'm not diagnosed with autism, but anxiety/depression. It helps me externalize the pain and ground myself to reality, as much as it hurts
I walk around and talk to myself. I always thought I was crazy because I would do this as soon as I was alone. For the most part it relieves the feeling of melting or shutting down. Perhaps you can find something to help relieve the pressure before it gets to self harm. I used to bite my fingernails and pull out my hair strand by strand, not knowing I was autistic. Walking can be incredibly decompressing in my opinion. I don't know it it would help everyone, but it has always helped me.
I'm so sorry, you sounded on the verge of tears while you were describing your meltdown. Thank you for telling us this.
Yikes, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. Throughout my life, I mostly experienced “autistic shutdowns”. Being my parents’ “golden child” would often made it impossible to externalize my distress out of shame and fear of being “a disappointment to them”. After a year of therapy, I started to allow myself to feel my emotions, and to externalize how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately(?), this lead to one of the few actual meltdowns I’ve had in my life. It was horrifying. (Trigger warning) It felt like d3ad was the only solution to all the pain I was feeling. Thankfully, today I’m married to a wonderful woman who is empathetic and comforting whenever I’m struggling with shutdowns or meltdowns, even if she does not understand them most of the time.
Amazing video! Thanks for being open and sharing your experiences with us. It feels good knowing other people struggle as I do.
Relate so hard
I used to have meltdowns in school, I think because I had no control over my environment. I mean, you had to stay in that class, amongst all those kids, for hours on end and you couldn't leave, you had no control. So I'd just start crying, randomly, uncontrollably, and for no reason. Then the teacher would take me outside (which was good, and, like, an immediate relief), then try to comfort me and ask me what happened (which was no good at all). I mean, at that point I was pretty much nonverbal. I remember wanting so badly to tell them to just stop talking and leave me alone, that nothing "upsetting" (by their definition) really happened, and in 15 minutes I'll be better - if she just shut up.
I think I managed to communicate that a few times (when I was not through it but a bit calmer), but then the teacher never remembered the next time, and always made the same mistake. I was, like, nine and mentally berating her, "woman, just stop, how many times do I have to repeat myself?" I soon realized that the urge to comfort and get to the source of the problem is the way "regular" people react to these sorts of situations, and it was the weird little me acting outside of those "obvious" expectations, so I stopped trying to explain. (From the earliest age, I was incredibly, even obsessivly, analytical of the behavior of myself and others.)
Later, I slowly learned to recognize when too much "socializing" was happening (that's my trigger), and developed strategies to step outside those situations when they were reaching uncomfortable levels, either mentally or physically. In high school, I was that wierd girl who read books in the corner during breaks (I can hyperfocus to sort of "cut off" the outside stimuli), which helped, and I had meltdowns less and less. Nowadays I just get up and leave the room for a while. My family have quickly learned and accepted that it's just what I do. Come to think of it, I always did that in some form, nowadays I just simply state that "sorry, I had too much, I need to be alone for an hour" during family gatherings, and no one bats an eye. Ha ha, I guess I sort of unconsciously trained them to accept it over the years...
Nowadays I have shutdowns instead of meltdowns, and even those are much rarer and much less draining. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm having one, then my partner - who has bad hearing - suddenly starts to ask me to repeat myself, and I realize I started talking very quietly, and I have trouble pushing words out. Sometimes I get enterely nonverbal. The treatment is the same, though - I have to be left alone for a while, preferrably in a quiet, dark place.
I was only diagnosed as autistic 3 months ago. I’m 53. This video brought back memories from my early childhood through my teen years all the way up to this year. I’ve always felt it necessary to apologize profusely for behaviours that seemed to arise from nowhere as ASD was not even on my radar; I’d just been unreasonable or overreactive, terribly rude or completely irrational when rationality and logic is what defines me the most. It feels like I just lose myself and someone else takes over. I rarely remember things that happen and have great trouble apologizing… I don’t know if someone said something that honestly hurt me or it was more an accumulation of panicking moments. Ometimes knowing it was practically inevitable makes it harder. Nobody should want to be around me if they might roll bad dice and have to deal with my broken brain.
thanks for the video 💜
I answered "I'm not sure" to the question "have you ever experienced meltdown?"
This is because my meltdowns are controllable. I feel overwhelmed and have the instinct to throw myself on the floor, scold, destroy and hurt myself. But 99% of the time I can hold back, sometimes I even manage not to bite myself
I have a similar experience. I have the urge to punch something, including myself, because I have these feelings inside of me that for some reason I can't just cry out like I normally would. However, I've only had this a few times and most of the time I've been able to grab a stress ball of punch a punching bag or something non-destructive like that and then as soon as I listen to some sad music I can start crying and get the Bad out of me.
sounds a lot like masking to me
This used to be me. These hidden meltdowns. Now I’m really sick and scream and throw things.
I was one of the "I don't knows" on the questionnaire you did, but listening to this, I realize I've definitely had meltdowns. It's less frequent now, but as a kid, I would just get super mad and start yelling and be so angry that it hurt and try really hard to not let it out but couldn't really stop it. It was 90% yelling at inanimate objects, especially computers or something when they don't work right, but I'm guessing I was already at my breaking point and whatever it was with my computer just pushed me over the edge and then I'd just want to punch it or yell at it. I just thought I had anger issues, which is weird because I never want to hurt people or be mad at people. I'm glad I finally know what's been happening to me after 30+ years. Thank you for doing these videos they have helped me a lot.
I remember being like that as a child, too, and also as a younger adult. As I've gotten older, I've kind of learned to "control myself". But just because I don't show it as much on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not still feeling just as much stress internally! Then I end up feeling even more anxiety, because I don't have an outlet for my feelings.
When I was a child in the 80s one of my teachers raised concerns to my parents about my behavior and encouraged them to bring me to a psychologist to see if I was autistic. The psychologist decided I was too intelligent to be autistic and that I had ADHD and those 2 things in the 80s meant that I couldn't possibly be autistic which we now understand is very much untrue. He actually told my parents that my meltdowns where just me seeking attention or being antisocial and incouraged them to use negative reinforcement to train them out of me. Over years o transitioned from meltdowns to shutdowns for fear of being punished. It took about 30 years for me to figure out that I actually am autistic and not that I was a terrible child as I was led to believe by the medical professional.
For someone who hates attention, i.e myself, one of the biggest rage inducing things I can hear is someone saying I'm doing XYZ for "attention".
It's rough man
Your swimming pool story really resonated with me. I've just had a profound realization.
When I was 23 I worked as an architect in an office, and I hated it so so so so much, I cried on my way to work on most days, it was such a horrible job, I had been bullied there and it was all a mess of miscommunication and exhaustion. I wanted to get out. And in my mind the only way to do that was to enrol at a fancy film school in France because I was obsessed with animation. So I made the short list and had been invited to the school for an interview. This was huge for me. When I arrived there I loved the school, and my exams went very well, and before the interview I was very confident and wasn't worried at all. But as soon as I entered the room and saw the board of animated film directors who were to interview me and judge me on my work, I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't know why it happened or how to stop it. In the end I didn't get in because they thought I was "too emotional". I tried to analyse it for years and years. I thought it was a panic attack though deep down I knew it wasn't it, and only now I realized it was a meltdown. Damn.
Ps.: I'm happy I ended up not going to that school, I would have hated living in France.
Additional autistic fact: I only managed to calm down and regain my ability to speak when one of the board members asked me why I had so many cycling themed drawings and film ideas. So I started infodumping about cycling (one of my most significant special interests) and that cheered me up, so I managed to get through the interview.
🥲 I realized I was autistic many years later.
the whole story was so relatable, even though I didn't have experiences similar to that at all, but under the specific circumstances this would go exactly the same for me I feel! can you share the end of it, did you end up quitting that awful architect office job? are you pursuing animation right now still? very happy to see you discover why you are the way you are
@@lisadikaprio yeah, I quit that job about a year later and made a few animated short films. I didn't become a full time animation director, I instead pursued a career as an independent artist, where animation is one of the several mediums I work with. I'm pretty happy with how this shaped out to be! I'm much more successful, confident, and stress-free living this life.
For some time I felt like a failure for quitting architecture, but now that I understand myself (and my autism) better, I realise that it's very difficult to make the accomodations I need to be productive and successful in a serious architecture job, and I shouldn't be embarrassed about quitting an ill fitting life path.
Thank you for your comment 💗
20:03 That's a state I was in far too often, just going on like a robot, feeling numb and completely overwhelmed with the whole world. That's basically how close to 100% of my time at the German equivalent of High School was like. In the beginning I was only overwhelmed with the sudden increase in learning speed required to keep up, but when that "overwhelmed-ness" finally ran over I fell into a robotic rythm of waking up in the morning, taking the bus to school, sitting through class, not taking in much at all, then taking the bus back home, sitting for hours on end at my desk and internally screaming at me that I'm lazy and that's why I don't do my homework, then going to sleep. And that was basically every single day of my life for several years and the holidays weren't much better because I knew I'd fall into that state again as soon as the holidays ended, which depressed me basically from the beginning of each holiday. Just the knowledge that the holidays were just a temporary time to breathe.
I'm happy I'm not in that state anymore, now that I'm in Sweden.
as someone who went through German high school I fully agree that the sudden increase in speed that learning has to take place at is ungodly. paired with the chaos of the deadlines being communicated either poorly or very late. i also specifically had an awful time where I would beat myself up over the essay part of it, where each student has to pick a teacher as a mentor who'd have to guide your through the process of getting the essay prepared and be there if you had questions. it was never properly communicated whether or not meeting up one on one with the teacher was mandatory, and I would strongly prefer to do it on my own with as little outside contact as possible. i remember my classmates letting me know that the teacher i picked was apparently angry with me for not communicating? and I think I got away with writing emails to him, I'm not sure anymore, but being told he was angry with me behind my back (which I'm also not entirely sure whether he actually was angry or if it was lie/exaggeration on the part of my classmates) has caused severe meltdowns for me.
I could actually go on about how German school system guilted me into hating myself for not being talkative throughout the lessons and not wanting to raise my hand to answer questions, with every teacher saying how it will be the cause of my bad grades. when, in fact, the worst consequence was just my grades dropping by not more that one or two points, which in turn didn't matter at all since i then went on into creative fields and my grades didn't matter as much as my skills. years of stress and self-hatred for nothing, bravo.
My shutdowns are usually at large family gatherings where too many people are talking at once and I'm not supposed to leave or look at my phone so I just go still and silent
I feel like a HUGE trigger (especially for me) is learning a lot of information at once and then someone around me assuming I didn’t get any or all of it when I display the slightest pause to process it before proceeding. I can’t describe the levels at which my brain start to activate. It seems really specific and kind of small but I shutdown almost every time.
For me it's a lot worse when I misspeak or something and someone starts to explain why I'm wrong even though I *do* understand. It feels like nitpicking and i end up interrupting and snapping from overwhelm and then feel awful for losing my temper with someone.
TW for self harm and suicidal thoughts:
I used to punch and bite myself and hit my head on walls really hard, and still sometimes do. I wasn't aware that meltdowns can cause suicidal thoughts! I thought that was just me! I was put in mental hospitals twice for expressing suicidal thoughts during or after a meltdown at school. I was so overwhelmed by pain and all of these really bad feelings that I would do ANYTHING for it to stop in the moment. I bite myself, scratch and pick my skin off, punch myself, cry, hyperventilate, rip my hair out, and bang my head until my vision sometimes goes white. I feel like me throwing things is one of the less harmful things, so maybe I could try to get the energy out by doing that more, and always make sure I keep unsafe things away from me. I also have shutdowns and am unable to find words and can't always speak either. Everything is just too much sometimes. Too loud, too many sensations, too many people touching or bumping into me, too many little sounds. It feels truly horrible, but it's even worse when nobody around you understands. Thank you for sharing these videos and helping people learn that someone who has meltdowns isn't a bad person, or immature. We just can't help it. You help me understand myself.
This resonates with me so much.
I live with a very tempermental (and possibly also autistic lol) father, and my parents know me only to be very happy over child like things such as superheros etc. (I have a big love of the Xmen!) And calm.
When I have a meltdowns (after school mostly) is usually selective mutism and crying, they assume I've been bullied or worse, bombarding me with concern and questions that just makes me feel guilty afterwards.
I appreciate your channel so much, it makes me feel so much less blameful of actions I can't prevent. I hope one day to be formally diagnosed, I've been doing a lot of research lately, your channel has been such a crutch for me.
This is hard for me to watch. My fiancee just broke up with me because my meltdowns were too intense. I’ve been in burnout for almost 2 years. She took my SI as trying to manipulate her and I wish she’d tried to learn more about SI and meltdowns instead of giving up on me.
🫂🫶
i'm just now learning that SI can be part of autistic meltdowns and the way she described it in this video was the most seen i'd felt since a discord user told me "you don't actually want to die, you just want life to not suck so much, which is completely reasonable."
❤I'm sorry. I think it is really harmful how society is encouraging people to conceive of all kinds of emotional disregulation as manipulative and directed. ❤
I’m sorry, and I feel like I can relate. I am married, but my marriage has been in its death throes for some time. We should have given up already, but I don’t know that I can afford to live on my own and I’ll have to leave my cat.
SI for me was largely part of the flight impulse. It gave me the chance to imagine a way out when I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t a good system, I know, and it wasn’t pleasant, but there was a reason for it. I’d leave me if I could, to be honest.
Various meds over the last few years have basically wiped SI out, and I don’t miss it, but it didn’t cure the anhedonia, and the meltdowns are still bad.
People have such a hard time understanding that not all behaviors are voluntary, much less self serving. I think the idea that we are not total masters of our own minds is scary to a lot of people, so they avoid hints that this is so.
I hope things go better for you. Warm regards.
💜 I’ve had that happened several times when I was younger 😢 unfair and cruel I feel. For me it was a good way to know those partners were not the right ones. All parts of me deserved to be loved. Being aware that I’m autistic really helps now
That first story of your meltdown is so sad. Thank you for sharing with us. The fact that they heard that you were feeling bad and separated you from your mom is not okay!!! What the hell. And to a child!! I hope you can take solace in the fact that they shouldn’t have done that to you, no matter the way your brain works. That was cruel.
Things that help me when in a meltdown are:
1) Music or a podcast that i like. Helps me distract myself and divert my energy. Also stops me from overthinking and obssesing.
2) Stimming, i find is very useful way of 'getting energy out' and i often find myself lecturing on about some random topic e.g Biology or the plot of my fav series.
3) Contact. Similar to N2, i like it when pople i trust either hug me, sometimes tightly, or make physical contact with me. I also love heated blankets and textile materials. I also have a designated plush (At home) to squeeze or figit toys that i manipulate.
4) Alowing myself space for the meltdown to happen and time afterwards.
Hope these help!
Music works great for me. I could spend hours trying to stop myself from crying, but just put on music I like and then I'm nowhere near crying. It's like magic.
I like to make sure to have an extra drink (helps avoid crying headache), and if I can a snack, typically chocolate or cake, because it makes a good distraction.
@@aliceinwonderland8314 Aww, I like the snack idea!
These seem like great ways to cope and help to calm yourself from the meltdowns. I dunno if I have meltdowns but I do experience something very similar and as far as I am aware, I'm not autistic. However, I think I may try some of these things to help me in one of my moments
I'm so sorry that happened to you with the phone. That is horrible to do that to anyone, let alone a child, who had no resources. That just makes me so sad. I hope you have been able to go back and tell that girl that she is loved and has power.
This helps a lot. Had a meltdown last week and still in the hangover I guess, but binging your videos has made me feel less alone and given me the language to speak about these things. Thank you
The shutdown being connected to the "freeze" response makes a lot of sense to me. I'm still not sure if what I experience is actually a "shutdown" or if it's "just" a panic attack, but either way it's a very internal experience. And I know in other situations that aren't related to being overwhelmed, but other kinds of danger, I respond typically first with the "freeze" response, and then with effort I can turn it into "flight" but I basically never have a "fight" response. I think some of this is just how I'm wired and some of it is very early memories of a parent expressing anger loudly and being so overwhelmed by that I became instinctively drawn to making my own noises/movements as small as possible, so as not to overwhelm myself even more with my own response.
I have had a panic attack recently where I started crying - not like sobbing, but just the actual tears coming from my eyes, which is relatively new for me - I almost never cried as a child or teenager, but as an adult I have become more emotionally expressive in general. And if it doesn't come with the wrenchy, sobby part, crying is actually kind of nice, it's like I can feel the bad brain chemicals leaving my body. But of course I really don't want to cry in public, and it's not something I can control.
But most of the time when I have a panic attack it's just "oh my heart rate is spiking, I'm getting tunnel vision, I feel like I'm about to die and every noise is now 1000% louder" but all that's happening in my head and isn't super visible. I think I have once or twice had one where I started rocking back and forth but it was during moments of extreme emotional crisis. Still, I remember everything fairly well even during those moments. I could have stopped the rocking but it was helping and I was in a private space so I allowed myself to do it. So I don't really experience the lack of control or memory loss other people associate with meltdowns/shutdowns.
I always thought I was having panic attacks, and the doctors did too despite the panic attacks being "weird". They actually gave me benzos for them and those sucked
I was given benzos and tried them a couple times for what I now realize were meltdowns. Yeah they sucked. I likened them to throwing water on a hot griddle.
I was diagnosed with PTSD because my startle response was easily triggered and i was afraid to drive. My failure to drive was always called "my phobia", and the disassociation I suffer behind the wheel I called a "panic attack". Basically my brain cannot keep up with all of the stimulation and keep everything straight. I didn't drive not because of anxiety, but because deep down I knew I would be a danger to others.
They gave me benzos too. That was the weirdest, grossest euphoric feeling, like I wanted to take all of them and OD. Like a weird gross "addicted" compulsion, and they didn't remotely do anything for my meltdowns (misdiagnosed as panic attacks at the time). I took them to the drug disposal thing at the pharmacy.
I'm a 60 year old, just diagnosed autistic 4 months ago. Still in the early stages of coming to terms with struggling through life all these years, not understanding what was going on with me. I can remember having so much anxiety and panic since I was very little. I'm wondering if a lot of it was actually meltdowns? I had to learn from a very young age to mask, because of growing up in a horrificly abusive home. It wasn't safe for me to show any feelings at all whether "bad" or "good". So I had to keep my anxiety and panic to myself. Which only added to the PTSD!
Oh, is that why anxiety meds do nothing for me? It takes me from 'very anxious' to 'very anxious and also a bit tired, thanks.' Which was especially fun while getting eye surgery.
I've had meltdowns all my life, but I always thought I just had trouble controlling my anger and that I was self-destructive and anxious. After being self diagnosed at 41 and clinically diagnosed at 42, I finally am learning about the actions I've done all my life and never understood before.
Thank you for making great content that helps introduce people to and learn about different aspects of autism.
Yes! I’m self-diagnosed (for now), I’m 38 and suddenly looking back and my life makes so much more sense. I was punished almost everyday for my meltdowns as a child.
@@juliette3423 I'm sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately I think many of us have had that experience. It makes me glad that there is more awareness now, and that other children may grow up without the trauma of being punished for things they have no power to control.
At a given time i tought i had BPD. But my mood is stabble while away from severe triggers. Now i was diagnosed autistic.
19:11
Not sure if youll see this but or if anyone will, but Ive had multiple times where I just completely - stopped? Like i would be doing something (usually something expected/demanded of me) and i would just not be able to do it- at all.
One time I was in piano class and I was just sitting there, it felt like rocks trying to get my hands on the piano to play a certain song. Thinking of playing the song was dreadful, and every time I got as close as playing *one* note, It triggered me and i would instantly slam my hand on the keyboard because I didnt like what i was dealing with. My inability to respond to the expectations just made me want to cry and cry- God do i feel bad for my music teacher.
And one time (context- i usually dont play at home because i just hate the thought of playing it in front of family, and even if im home alone i just dont see it as an important task/chore. And when I did try to play at home, the keys on our keyboard are too light and they make me mess up and i also hate how light the pedal is.) and the teacher tried to make me sign my name on my notebook saying that "i promise to practice piano" and I just couldnt say no, but i also couldnt sign it. Something was physically stopping me from signing it and i also really didnt want to but i didnt want to disappoint him so i just cried and cried. Times like that it feels like my mouth is a brick- I hate speaking.
One time I was in a call and I was told to talk about something personal and i just shut down. I tried to get myself to say the things but i couldnt- it wouldnt come out. I was genuinely afraid of becoming mute.
Those are the only experiences at the top of my head, the selective mutism segment made me think about them.
Yes, this happen to me too
I found this helpful and validating.
When I go to the dentist, I think what I experience is what you're calling a shutdown. My partner comes with me to help support me and help me communicate with the staff. I struggle to speak almost immediately. When I'm in the chair, if something is too much like the sounds of the machines or the people walking around, I go rigid and can eventually start shaking uncontrollably. I might have tears stream down my face even if I'm smiling and nodding like everything is fine. My partner warns the dentist "when she stops playing with the fidget toy, that's when you need worry." because from the outside people tend to think I am just calm. But on the inside it's like... Well nothing I could accurately describe. Afterwords we go on a walk while I decompress, I get a lot of tight hugs and hand squeezing. I can verbally process or stay silent if I need to. We might go for ice cream cause... Ice cream. 😊
I experience these things at varying intensities in other avenues as well. This includes grocery shopping, work, and arguments with my partner. He says it looks like I "go into a shell" and he just asks to talk to me at a specific time, normally at least a day later, and I go a bit zombie for a while. Eventually my system kicks back on, I can process things again, and then we can talk about things.
My therapist calls this disassociation and I might call it that or just call it "going non-verbal". I don't have a diagnosis and I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with my therapist... I feel so dramatic and attention-seeking. First I'm like "I have anxiety and depression" the it's all "disassociation" then I'm onto ADHD (I did get a diagnosis) and now autism? Seems like my credibility might come into question at some point 😅
But... It's difficult not to identify. And my friends who are autistic (I have many) all say that I am and so I've gotten into the habit of referring to myself as such. And I don't tell my partner why, specifically, I have these needs. I just say "I'm neurodivergent" and he accepts that which works for me 😅
Anyway, these videos are helpful... I appreciate the content and the community you're building 😊
I wasn’t really sure if I had autistic meltdowns, but after watching this, all the pieces are just coming together, and I’m remembering SO much.
A lot of times, I’ve physically had to leave situations because everything was getting to be too much, and it just feels like something takes over my body because all I can focus on is my brain screaming, “LEAVE NOW”… and then I kind of gain control of my body again when I’m alone and safe. It’s not really that I black out and don’t remember, just that I’m not in control of my body during those moments.
I can relate! I get that "leave now" feeling alot, and to me the way I describe it is I feel like a caged animal. I begin to feel like I'm trapped, and I need to get away immediately! It happens a lot when I get stuck talking to someone who won't let the conversation go, and they keeping talking, and talking, and talking. After a while I'll end up just blurting out "ok, I have to go now", and walking away.
I also get that way in large groups of people. When there's too much talking and things going on around me, it feels too chaotic, and I need to get away!
Yup, that’s the flight impulse all right! The deal is in fact that the sympathetic nervous system overwhelms higher reasoning and forces you to flee. This is not some mental health divergence: as mammals, we are all wired to do this. But it’s really desgned for a zebra to escape a leopard, and it’s not as functional for the world of humans.
It’s true that a NT person is more likely to do this infrequently - with our amped up nervous systems, we often do it much more.
A core memory of mine is the meltdown I had at a local Halloween event. I was a young teen, and the crowds already had me on edge. When I went to look for my sister, I peeked around a building and saw a massive line for one of the activities.
I immediately fled to the bathroom, had a meltdown, then spend the rest of the event alone in shutdown mode. Not fun, but learning what meltdowns and shutdowns were and the symptoms that go with it made me feel less weird.
My most common meltdowns are in the form of panic now. When I was younger I recall crying jags and screaming about school assignments that were particularly triggering and I recall one occasion in my school years being overcome with a desire to bang my head against the wall and being scared by that impulse. While my sister doesn't have even an informal diagnosis I suspect some of our arguments were sort of channeling our mutual meltdowns at each other.
This video is so helpful! I learned that I do have meltdowns, just that they aren't "fight" meltdowns!
I've known for many years now that I have shutdowns, but I never really thought of them as a subset of meltdowns.
For all that time I've thought that I didn't have meltdowns, but after watching this I know that I was wrong. As stated above, I have had many shutdowns, varying in frequency, duration, and intensity over the years (I'm now in my 60s), depending on the amount of stress, distress, and sensory stimulation I was experiencing.
I have also experienced all three of the other types of meltdowns - but very infrequently. I can only recall one each of the fight and flight types (there could be more, but if so I don't remember them). With the panic attack type, I can recall some but am finding it difficult to put a number on them, but more than 5 and less than 20 is my best guess.
I’ve known I’m autistic for years but it just now occured to me that my uncontrollable screaming when I get overwhelmed in heated arguments with my not so great mother are actually meltdowns. She has manipulated me into thinking there’s just something wrong with me and always reminds me I’m just out of control and implies I’m evil and all these things. So I believed it for the longest time. But hearing the description of a meltdown this time something just clicked.
This happens to me too with my mom. She even made me go to rehab for casual cannabis usage 🙄
@@froagjumpington Oh brother
I’ve been having been having meltdowns my entire life, but up until a few months ago, I never really realised it. As a child, it was always assumed to be a temper tantrum, and as a teenager, it was assumed to be dramatics or, because of my anxiety, a panic attack. It wasn’t until I got diagnosed that I realised the reason I was screaming-crying and hitting and biting myself and things around me was that I am autistic. It felt great to know I wasn’t just crazy or dramatic
Thanks for this video! Unlike some other meltdown videos, this one made me feel less alone as someone whose meltdowns get very ugly (SH, breaking things, screaming). It reminds me I’m not alone. Meltdowns are the number one reason why finding out I’m autistic is such a life changer. It was tough being different and having social issues, and sensory pain, but meltdowns were by far the worst and most isolating for me.
i had a lot of " panic " attacks over the years, that now looking back to it, make so much more sense to see as meltsowns. i do get the shut downs more often, but sometimes the meltdowns just happen. i remember my worst one made me feel like i was dying. it was super surreal. there was nothing indicating that my body would be dying. just that feeling inside, like my whole self crumbling like a building collapsing inwards. i had been sitting on the coach and melted sobbing on the table in front of me. i sobbed so much, i could barely breath. i don´t recall how in detail i got out of it. my partner was with me and just pat my head and softly spoke to me. i didn´t understand a word, but i did hear her. i don´t remember how long that situation did last or how i did calm down. but i can´t forget that creepy feeling of loosing all controll over my body and that thought of dying in that moment. not being able to move a single limb, while drowning in tears on the table.
thank you for being a place to talk about these things. it feels important.
I've been working on understanding myself as a self identified autistic person (and a professionally diagnosed ADHDer) and breaking down all these ideas I had in my head about what autism "is". These videos help me to understand myself better and forgive myself for not understanding myself earlier. A lot of the confusing periods in my life have different kinds of autistic meltdowns attached to them and accommodating myself as autistic has reduced the frequency of them as well as understand them better and forgive myself for the ones I've had in the past that I had penned myself down as "not a good enough person". Thank you for delving into this topic. Much love from a Canadian self identified AuDHDer ♥
I'm in the same boat. Formally diagnosed with ADHD-I, almost certainly have undiagnosed ASD (my ADHD was so out of control I could barely communicate during my assessment; I hadn't slept in 48 hours). It would cost me another $2,500 to get re-assessed, and I just don't think its worth the money, but I kinda wish I knew.
I'm autistic. I had a horrible meltdown after my 16th birthday party (1996). I ended up fainting. My parents thought that I was "being a spoiled brat", so I just sat in my car, crying for 3 hours.
ive been meaning to go get diagnosed or talk to a specialist recently because ive been experiencing every thing talked about in this video quite intensely, lately. you and your content make me feel so seen and less crazy, which is rare these days, especially dealing with the meltdowns. ❤
I am diagnosed with ADHD and yeah..so many of those situations came crushing in my mind. I always was very sensitive, cried a lot and emotions overflowed very often. Screamed, ran away from situations, hurt myself, could not stop till burnt out. It's better in aduldhood but still it's intense..more intense than most peoples in my surounding can "handle" or relate. Now I need to look up if ADHDs have those, too 😅
29 % of autistic people have ADHD too. If you experience meltdowns there could be more. ADHD symptoms can obscure autism symptoms ❤
I'm also ADHD and this has me Wondering (even more) if I'm also on the spectrum.@@mayasu4277
I grew up pulling my hair out, screaming, punching myself in the head, more screaming and lashing out. I got older and started just going "stiff" after I scared enough people with my actions. Stop talking. Stop moving. Stop reacting. Respond with 1 word if anything. Run away if it's bad enough...This is different from what I'm guessing is ADHD rage when I would blow up over tiny stuff.
@@mayasu4277 thank you! My ADHD-Diagnose is pretty new and I am reflecting my whole life with this - feels crazy. Kind of numb on the surface and deep inside of me a feeling as if I would know something will happen but I could only watch instead of act. I am curious what I will discover on my way.
@@dn3305 I feel you, I discovered my autism first and got diagnosed at age 36 and now I’m freshly diagnosed with ADHD too. The thing that takes the longes is advocating for your sensory needs. I am still learning to remove myself from sensory overloading situation and for example grab the headphones. It takes a lot of unlearning.
Btw sharing similar experiences, like speaking in memories, to express compassion is a very neurodivergent way of communicating 😉
@@mayasu4277 oh wow! 🤯 That sounds tricky..but so important! My whole life I tried to fit in, be a better and social more acceptable version of myself but kind of lost myself on that way, I think. I don't really know what: "just be yourself and do what makes you happy" means (my husband gave me that "advice").. but your advice sounds like a good way to find that out! Hope you find out, too if you did not already! :) and funny that this is a ND-thing with telling about the own experiences :'D
Thank you so much
7:31 - 7:46
THIS. i was recently diagnosed and i remember when i was a young child, my mother getting so frustrated with me because of this exact thing. she would say "do you act this way at school? you arent like this with your teachers, so how come you only behave like this at home?" and i couldnt explain why.
i dont blame her at all because we both didnt know that i was autistic and shes very supportive. we are both researching and understanding autism and learning how to accommodate me and videos like these are very helpful :-]
What a coincidence. I just had the biggest meltdown I’ve had in a WHILE last night. I feel horrible and can’t get out of bed but I need to do homework or I’ll fail my classes. Help idk what to do 😭
That's weird a bit...went to dinner today and called a friend and everyone of them (including my daughter, husband and me) had a bad night with restlessness, waking up in the night and totally off in the morning.. everyone seems tired today o.o (I don't want to compare sleeping unwell with meltdowns, I just find it odd, that this night seemed to be a weird night)
Use 5 second rule to help your self get out of bed. Count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... and on 1, move a part of your body, any part of your body. If your intent is getting out of bed in that moment, your body will follow through.
Take at least 30 mins to focus purely on self-care before starting on your homework. Take a shower, eat some food, clean your room... do something kind for yourself. 💙
@@ernyoung8357I have done this since I was a kid, moving that first body part, even my toe or head somehow unfroze my body. It also helps when I need to clean, I’ll put in a lot of effort to get up and then force myself to pick up one thing with the same technique and suddenly I’m motivated to keep going because I use the dopamine from seeing improvements to build on each other, sometimes I’ll even write things down that I did already as I go and check them off to see what progress has been made and to avoid the anxiety of the “to do” list. It’s also helpful when I’m feeling like I don’t do anything and feel down about myself because I have proof for my brain that I got something done.
legit same. yesterday my husband dragged all of us on this ridiculous hike (i'm very out of shape so suddenly expecting me to be able to hike for several miles without issue is ridiculous to me), i had a crying hyperventilating meltdown several times along the trail and again just now when he started talking about wanting to leave the house again. i thought i had made it clear how utterly exhausted i was from yesterday and how i had no intentions of doing anything similar again, and it felt like he wasn't going to be satisfied unless i was just abjectly miserable. i burst into tears, started rage-cleaning the house until i was sobbing and wheezing... and then this video came up in my recommendations. so far only my son has been flagged as "having qualities consistent with autistic children" but the more videos i watch trying to learn about him, the more i'm learning about myself as well.
Maybe try asking someone close to you for comfort. I had a meltdown a few days ago and having someone there who will just let you cry makes it better
I used to have daily meltdowns in school where I’d cry uncontrollably. I was bullied for being “a crybaby” and had no friends. Looking back at my younger self, I was so hard on myself and it breaks my heart. I wish I could have given her a hug
I only experience shutdowns, and never in public. I have been so good at masking from so young that I am not really able to know what is affecting me until I come home, the suddenly it hits me like a wave because I am in my 'safe' place. As a child I retreated into books for hours to soothe the overwhelm, and my parents never tried to force me out of those times when needed so I never exhibited those "come hone and lose it" things people talk about. I still get home everyday and need to sit and 'decompress' for a minimum of an hour, sometimes longer. Since meeting my husband it's been better because he is my unconditional support network... but I also haven't worked full time in years, I am about to finish my study and then I will have to work full time and I am actually really nervous about how I will cope :-( I am not officially diagnosed (can't afford it)...
I think I hit a meltdown once every two to three weeks or so, but I have little mini overwhelms more frequently. When I was in a really toxic job prior, I had meltdowns daily, and I am so relieved I was only at the job when they were fully remote for COVID because I needed those meltdowns to release the stress, rather than compound it.
Shout out to my cat though. She's hyper vigilant about my meltdowns and will snuggle me until I feel better, and she checks on me if she hears me make a sound that sounds like crying (sometimes heavy laughter gets her confused). She likes to lay on my chest so she'll do that, and I think the weight and the purring is really helpful to pulling me out of it most times. We're kind of a perfect match for each other. 😺
Awww Ur cat is the bestest friend on the whole world. I'm glad you have her for comfort, what a wonderful animal she is
I definitely relate to all of that, although my cat acts so begrudging about her “job” comforting me, but still does it every time, which makes me laugh and usually cheers me up even more
Emotional support kitty 🥹 you have a really good cat
Aw, it sounds like you have an amazing feline freind. My cat just mostly wakes me up way, way too early
I just realized. almost every formal meal I have (any meal at a proper table and not at stools) leads me to have a meltdown/shutdown.
I either have a shutdown and can hardly speak or look happy, or I have a weird form of meltdown where I laugh hysterically to the point of pain, and even though I look like I'm happy, I'm being tormented internally, i feel horrible, and I'm in a lot of pain physically and mentally.
I knew I hated meals, but this video made me realize I might be having meltdowns.
I don't think I've ever experienced a meltdown, but I have experienced shutdowns throughout my life.
Though I haven't been diagnosed yet, I just have some very strong suspicions.
I've always wondered why i'm not crying 95% of the time, but seemingly randomly i sob about once a month or less. I have this horrible urge to hit my head very hard and i have even been triggered when i accidentally missed a casual event by driving to the wrong place. This video is so helpful, i love your channel
I had meltdowns as a kid. My dad was really good at dealing with them, probably because he’s also autistic. He never once shamed me for reacting the way I did. He always came at it with empathy and a desire to understand. I remember he would always hear me out and say it was okay that I felt the way I did. My mom did her best but she didn’t understand. Doctors had told her I wasn’t autistic because I was “smart” and a girl, so she thought the right thing to do was to break “bad habits”. But I think my dad knew, and anytime my mom lost her temper with me and screamed or shamed me for not being able to be normal, he was there to remind me that my mom was doing her best and it was okay for me to be exactly who I was. I really appreciate that
Storytime, TW: ableism, school bullying
I remember that since because I would so often get bullied at school during breaks, the school’s stuff give me a tiny room (that was the teathers’ changing room) so that I would be able to go to in and hide from the bullies. One time I got a meltdown during a school break, I went to that room so I can scream + calm myself up alone in peace. Unfortunetly, one of the teachers went into the room to told me that “I need to calm down and stop screaming” because “my scream scare away some little boy during the break”, as if i was just able to stop screaming and stop having a meltdown. I also remember the one time I was talking about my meltdowns with my dad at my therapist, at which one point he literally told me: “well NOT ALL autistics have meltdowns, so why should WE treat you different when you have one, huh? Why can’t you just stop having a meltdown and be calm?”.
Your dad or the therapist?
@@gollyrado my dad infront of the therapist.
@@CitizenOfPoland that's unfortunate. My Dad literally had fight meltdowns and still wasn't okay with any of us kids having them.
@@gollyrado it sounds like your dad had a lot of internalized ableism, which he then procceds to project into you and your siblings. I’m so sorry that your dad treated you this way 🫂 (Btw I’m sorry if I sound rude and/or my english isn’t good, I’m from Poland).
You can swap "people" for "autistics" and any health condition at all for "meltdowns" to hear how ridiculous that is:
"Not ALL people have allergies, so why should we treat you any different because you have one, huh? Now eat your peanutbutter..."
"Not All people have broken legs..."
"Not All people have epilepsy..."
Sheesh.
You should build an emergency bag. It is a very practical thing to do to help you handle situations. I've got stuff that helps me focus on something small rather than the wide around me. Things I include inside the bag are a power bank headphones with an auxiliary jack, the converter for my phone for auxiliary. A fidget that acts like a stress ball. A dotted journal just to write in. Paper for origami. Pens to write with.
That's a great idea!
I'm very sorry that someone took away what made you feel safe and on top of that you then got shamed for melting down as a child. Us high-maskers especially do try so hard to be good!
I'm always astounded how unempathetic adults can be to each other and even more so kids who are not little adults but actually need adults to help them regulate. I think it's very brave that you are sharing this painful, traumatic experience. Hopefully it will help save other kids from being put through something similar.
I needed this video. I needed to cry and just couldn't. I'm going through ASD evaluation, which is good, misdiagnoses suck, but I am so overwhelmed with everything. It just feels nice to remember I'm not alone.
I used to get meltdowns a LOT as a child. Multiple times a week. I would scream and shout, damaging my relationships, and I’d stim in harmful ways. I agree with Paige Layle’s assertion that it’s like being possessed- it’s a haze over you, you’ve got no control, and afterwards you’re left there struggling to understand what happened. Sometimes I’ve forgotten even having a meltdown because of how highly emotional it is. I couldn’t tell why I was so upset or what I needed to do to recover. Many times I would be melting down because of a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was or how to express my fear in a productive manner, so I would argue and yell. It was hellish for me and for my family, who just thought I was tantrumming and defiant. I had no coping mechanisms, and no one knew why I was like that. Meltdowns for me would also only happen at home/with my family, so when I was upset at home my family would ask me why I was able to be good at school but never at home. I DID meltdown at school several times, and every time was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.
When I was 14, I was diagnosed with autism, and I started to be able to understand myself and my needs. I now use sensory tools to protect me from the constant barrage of too-much on my senses that before would make me on edge and uncomfortable without any understanding of why I was uncomfortable. I’m better able to recognize when I’m overwhelmed and when I need to get out of a situation. I know that after a strenuous activity like a party or a long school day , I will need time to be alone and decompress. I also have strategies and medications to manage my anxiety. Now, I rarely have meltdowns. I just get shutdowns, which while miserable (I often lose the ability to talk or interact with the world) are preferable to meltdowns- inward misery doesn’t require apologies later for destroying relationships.
I didnt know my behaviour could be explained with a meltdown. I tend to leave partys suddenly, without saying goodby. Sometimes i did ran too.
I want to share my latest experience of a meltdown.
At around last New Year's Eve my parents wanted to go to a music event at their small town where I had grown up, it was a bar crawl of sorts and people from the whole area attended it, including many people who had met me when I had been a child. We went there together and then all these people appeared that I was supposed to know from earlier in my life or whose faces I did actually know.
The loud music mixed with the embarrassment of seeing these people who KNEW me and wanted to talk to me and judge me for how I have changed was absolutely overwhelming and stressful. I felt so helpless and noone helped me or gave attention to me, only those who wanted to see who I am now and they saw this disfigured, overwhelmed panicked person who avoided them and that only made it worse and worse.
After the mother of my childhood best friend tried to talk to me inside a loud bar room, I just started running outside and miserably hunkered down behind an old building so noone else could see me. I was there for half an hour or so. I felt so embarrassed and helpless and I didn't want to go back into this environment and I couldn't talk to anyone in that state. I think I sent my sister a text if she could get me home, but as far as I remember, she refused. She had been my go-to person often and she had felt like I use her too much, so she didn't want to help me (and I'm not a child anymore, I was 33 at that time). I didn't ask my parents, I was too embarrassed. I knew noone else in this town that I would have been able to ask. There were no buses, I didn't have a car, nothing.
So I decided to walk around 7 kilometers at night back to the home of my parents (which took me around 90 minutes). I could have been attacked by a wild boar and mortally injured (I was hearing their snorts while I was walking home), but that risk felt in that moment preferable to going back to that utter lethal hell.
My parents and my sister didn't ask about it and so I didn't tell them about what happened. My sister only asked me months later if I had gone home alone that day. Only her husband had been worried about me. I had felt so alone and abandoned on that day.
After that day I have been refusing to go to my parents for a long time now. I only went there twice afterwards, once when my uncle had a big party (which was absolutely awful AGAIN because the music was soooo loud that I often had to leave the room) and the second time was when it was my birthday, but I didn't want to have any birthday party.
When I think about it today, that event was probably the best proof that I am autistic. Noone else would quite literally run away from a party and risk being mortally injured by a wild boar at night just to escape a party.
Before I was diagnosed I had two fight and run meltdowns that made me entirely blackout. I still remember them but it felt like I was viewing myself from outside of my body when it happened.
I used to be a scout as a kid and I stood in our scout cabin talking to two of my best friends and we were having a good time. Though we hadn't heard out troop leader calling for us as we stood in the hall outside of the main room of the cabin where we gathered.
Suddenlly our troop leader barges into the hall and starts shouting at us asking why we're not listening and that we were supposed to be gathering. At this point it was the evening after our gathering and I don't remember anything about the day other than this last event, but there must've been something that just made me spill over at that point, or it was simply just because our troop leader was yelling at my friends too and I wanted to stick up for them.
And so I shouted back at her that we hadn't heard her, my friends were arguing it too but I was yelling back, I don't remember the exact words exchanged but she grabbed onto my arm to lead me inside to the others, and at that point I entirely flipped. I'm honestly still surprised to this day that I didn't hit her, and I'd consider her lucky that I didn't have a violent meltdown because I genuinely could not control myself at that point. I ended up pushing her away and ripping my arm away from her, yelling at her to not touch me and probably some profanities too, before I immediately put my shoes on and ran outside, luckily just as my mom pulled into the driveway and so I jumped into our car, bawling my eyes out and leaving my mom in utter shock...
Proud to say though that my mom immediately went inside and cussed her out because I've always been a calm and very thruthful, shy kid, so me yelling and then bawling is always genuine.
I've also suffered numerous ''anxiety/panic'' attacks that I think might've just been meltdowns, cause one time I locked myself in my highschools bathroom and bawled my eyes out in horror because I accidentally skipped a class (we'd literally just changed schedule too), only for my head teacher to be super understanding and not even writing me up for missed attendance... She probably saw that I had been bawling tbh... And I never ever came late either.
I was also able to stop a meltdown once when I was in college, it was before I was diagnosed but was looking into getting diagnosed because I could tell I was autistic or adhd, and I could feel this impeding sense of doom. It felt almost as if the air was too thin and I was disassociating, everything was just way too loud and bright too, so I went intoa group room, turned the lights off, put my headphones and shades on and just sat in a corner whilst my friend looked real concerned. It worked though (definitely recommend controlled breathing too).
Otherwise I'm usually extremely sensitive, especially with serious topics but sometimes just when I've done something wrong that wasn't even a big deal, I tend to immediately start crying at confrontation and then the embarrassment of it just makes it worse.
I have the worst meltdowns ever (i have had shutdowns before), to the point my last (and worst one) caused my hands to be static feeling fron the lack of oxygen (I would cry really loud and hard). But then again, these meltdowns are mostly from my Cptsd my mom gave me throughout my childhood.
Oh my gosh! When you mentioned having that static or tingly or slightly numb feeling in your hands afterwards, I get the exact same thing after my own anxiety/panic attacks
Cptsd is treatable. The violence episodes can be treated to absolute absence using Somatic Experiencing or other somatic therapy. Sports and yoga also helps a lot. But the lack of positive upbringing, emotional and intellectual positive support is not easy to compensate, I'm afraid it's a whole life work on oneself. Autistic meltdown happens due overstimulation. The best we can do is take good care and withdraw out of situations on time. But hardly it is possible 100%. Heat, noise, various viruses, not suitable food, demanding people, strong expectations... everything works together and leads to meltdowns.