Ultimatum Queer Love #28 - (Mildred Abuse) - Therapist Reacts
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- Опубліковано 27 чер 2023
- Dr. Kirk Honda reacts to The Ultimatum: Queer Love. Includes clips from The Ultimatum (Netflix).
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Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
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Hey this is Tiff from the Ultimatum...I really appreciate you doing this segment. I've been watching your channel for a while now since love is blind 3. You've also have been a guest on the podcast of my therapy place - SD relationship place. Thank you!
Tiff - I’m sorry that you not only had to experience this, but experience it so publicly and have Netflix handle it so poorly. I hope you have been able to start healing and appreciate you allowing yourself to be vulnerable in sharing your experience to try and help others. ❤
I guess that seeing this video must feel validating? Hugs xx
@@eseesait always interests me seeing the reactions from clinical professionals. We only see so much on edited TV, but the clinical mental health professionals see it from a *bigger* perspective
❤
Sending love and light, Tiff! 🩷
“I don’t wear eyeliner,” Mildred said while wearing eyeliner.
Lol I’m guessing she doesn’t wear it in her day to day life but probably got her makeup professionally done for the reunion.
@@sabias3932She was putting on eyeliner during her disagreement with Aussie and throughout the show. She definitely wears eyeliner 😅
Tiff wears eyeliner too.
@@evertt7326 loooool i had totally forgotten about that you're right
@@sabias3932 tbf she said it with such certainty I was almost questioning for a second 😂
What boggles the mind is how the producers had the police report in hand at the time of the shoot and they never stopped Mildred from her nonstop 15 minute barrage against Tiff. Netflix does not give a shit about victims or any ethics. Not a shocker but still sad
Less “feminine” presenting lesbians have talked many times about how they are treated by police in DV situations so the fact that the police arrested Mildred and believed Tiff says a lot about what was actually going on that night. And Aussie and Sam’s reaction to Mildred tells me that Aussie told Sam some stories about her time with Mildred as well. You can see Sam comforting Aussie as Mildred talks
I believe it's Rae comforting Aussie, not Sam. Rae is sitting next to Aussie.
It was Sam😊
Race and gender presentation are both relevant here
@@hrwgriffin it was Rae since the ultimatum givers were sitting across the ultimatum recievers
I dont understand how the police taking a report seriously, as they should, relates to how masc women are treated by the police - just for clarification, are you agreeing that masc women/lesbians are not taken seriously? As a trans man who was once seen as a masc woman; (not lesbian), I can confirm that authorities didnt take me seriously
Mildred said I came home at 3 am, and Tiff wasn't there. She's blaming Tiff, but she herself was also JUST out at 3 am. It's okay for her but not Tiff. She's definitely the abuser here. Being a survivor myself, it's clear that Mildred is a perpetrator.
I thought this as well!! Both of them were out late separately from each other so….ugh…it just seems like such a red flag
17:00 I noticed here Mildred went from saying there were sex games all over the house to the leasing office gave them to her because they were in the mail. 👀
Mildred is the poster child of what it looks like when you don’t acknowledge your own traumas and you let the demons birthed by those traumas overtake you and hurt everyone around you that you love. It’s so sad and scary how bad she has gone down into that darkness. My heart broke for Tiff during this as Mildred just repeatedly beat her down and wouldn’t even let her get a word or breathe in. It was gross and triggering to watch.
Mildred was trying to humiliate Tiff in front of the camera imo. These details felt so intimate. Bringing up a sex boardgame had absolutely no relevence to this situation.
And all it actually was was a deck of cards that had topics of conversation for dating.
Also, why is she opening someone else’s mail?
@@MeditateWithHiroki yup. I noticed this too when i watched the show
@@MeditateWithHiroki thanks for the insight
Mildred saying “you don’t have that power over me anymore” was a purposeful manipulation in my opinion. She’s trying to write the story that Tiff was the abuser by making statements like that, but the proof says otherwise.
Like when you reacted to someone saying they didn’t feel safe. That statement has meaning behind it when it comes to DV. So does implying someone had power over you.
Yes!
I think many viewers saw right through that. I wanna say no one believed that bs, but that's unfortunately not true... *cough* Yoly
I think it’s purposeful in the sense that Mildred does (unjustly) consider herself a victim of Tiff due to her own distortions. I think she would pass a lie detector test (as Dr. Kirk would say, if such a thing were to exist in real life). So yes she’s trying to flip the narrative but because she is so deep in her own trauma that she cannot contemplate herself as the abuser and not the victim. Being the victim is central to her identity given her upbringing in which she was truly a victim.
I think this gets lost on a lot of people who think people like Mildred are being Machiavellian when her behavior is only calculated on a subconscious level.
It doesn’t make Mildred any less dangerous though. Or not abusive. But it does mean that Tiff literally cannot reason with her and that there’s nothing Tiff or we as the audience can say to bring Mildred out of her distortions. Mildred needs a qualified therapist and enough motivation to want to change. In the meantime, Tiff had the right of it: the only solution is to disengage and walk away.
@@kaylamaribela
😅😅⁹9
@@MoschinoAmore absolutely agree
Poor Xander sitting next to Mildred trying to get as far away as possible without getting up. I feel so bad for them. 😂😭
me realizing my daily routine of watching dr honda queer ultimatum videos is about to be over 😭
The way the show handled this was irresponsible. How did they let the abuser have all the say? The host just sat their silently. How could she not interrupt and say “hold on, you threw a dog gate at a person?” Or comment on all the irrelevant information Mildred threw on top of the arrest reveal to divert attention.
my thoughts exactly.
Honestly, she’s a host not a therapist or a police officer. I can imagine that she felt unsafe and was hired to “spill the tea” not necessarily to dive into concepts of abuse or handle an aggravated person. She clearly lacks the required de-escalation skills.
@@Hallfreakyzoid there was a tonne of staff on set, including producers. Someone could have and should have said pause and removed Mildred from set.
@@sumatrippin4851 I don’t disagree with you. But I think a lot of the way the show mishandled the situation gets blamed on the host when there WERE so many other people on set.
We have no idea what the show was directing her to do through her earphone. She might’ve been told to not address what Mildred shared, and so that’s why she asked tone deaf questions afterwards.
I noticed Mildred didn’t specify who was punching the walls. She just said there was a lot of it.
It's as though she wants to be seen as a victim, so she keeps pointing out random occurrences to make Tiff look like the perpetrator, maybe almost to make an excuse for how she behaves.
@@kimmi2662humiliating Tiff in front of the camera.
If it was Tiff who punched those walls, you can be sure Mildred would say that without hesitation.
@@___hannah. watching her act that way towards Tiff was heartbreaking
Yeah that's why some people who review the show said that they were both abusive because they thought Mildred was talking about Tiff. If anything Tiff would have been showcasing reactive abuse which is what victims end up doing when they're in an abusive situation for a really long amount of time. Although Tiff seemed to be the one that was more cautious since a disabled child was present so I hardly doubt Tiff would have been the one punching anyting. Actually the whole reason the police were called was because Tiff couldn't get Mildred to essentially calm down.
The way Mildred describes the arrest she clearly thinks her abusive actions are justified. She isn't taking any accountability, just trying to get out ahead in the public eye. I don't see any understanding or empathy from her. She continues showing her abuse of Tiff on camera at the reuinion.
Whenever I hear someone say "my son/daughter always comes first" said child doesn't come first.
I noticed the worst parents say that and the parents who have their kids tatted too 😭😭😂😂
Yeah Tiff said what finally prompted them to leave Mildred for good wasn’t the first time she got violent with Tiff, it was the first time she got violent with Tiff in front of her son.
(i haven't watched the video yet, so i'm just replying to this comment specifically) i think that's an overgeneralization, because i've seen parents say this and absolutely mean it (not saying this is the case AT ALLLLL in this situation, i'mjust saying it so that people who say this as a whole don't feel bad)
In my experience when people say that they use it as a justification to treat someone horribly
Oddly enough, Aussie was probably the best one to deal w Mildred during the trial marriage, because they only engaged to a certain point then retreated.
Tiff also talked on their podcast about how Mildred held her immigration status over Tiff's head. Mildred would say that if Tiff called the cops on her then she would be deported and it would be all Tiff's fault.
I didn't realize Mildred was an immigrant. From what country?
I think this series has been very interesting not only in how queer relationship dynamics are depicted, but also the way the media presents them. This case of abuse as well as the overt sexualizing of the cast. People have asked why the host didn’t step in with Mildred, heck! Why she was even invited! But I think outside of a freeze response it may have to do with something else. Domestic violence cases among queer people is not taking nearly as seriously as when it comes to heterosexual relationships. Less so between two women because of sexist ideas that women are not as capable of physical harm as men are. Even in heterosexual relationships if a woman is abusing a male partner the male is usually blamed. This incident is particularly insidious as with lesbian DV cases the more feminine presenting partner may be excused and the more masculine presenting partner is blamed as having done something to deserve it.
According to Tiff they were asking about splitting the utility bill as Mildred’s son is almost an adult. Tiff was unsure how to go about bills because they haven’t been in this living situation before. So they tried to ask about it & were met with hostility. Allegedly they weren’t telling Mildred how they were splitting bills, just asking because they’d never lived with someone’s child or older child.
Also wasn’t tiff paying the full internet bill or something?
@@bej7784 yes
Its so petty and dumb. I'm sure Mildred isnt paying for Tiffs therapy bill, pain and suffering.
Mildred has so much anger. They both need therapy. I'm still flabbergasted that they have stayed together in the past and thought it was a good idea to get engaged. It's annoying that mildred uses the "in a Latina so therefore I'm allowed to be loud and aggressive" and not take accountability for her actions
It's so wild to watch Mildred create this cloud of random distractions and manipulations and watch Dr Honda just completely cut through them so effortlessly.
Mildred is so manipulative and is acting like a victim when she is the perpetrator. She wanted to pin the abuse on tiff and shame tiff for saying she was a bad mom. Physically Fighting your partner in front of your child does not give your child a good example of character and kindness, that’s for sure
In Tiff’s video, they said that they left after Mildred finally became violent in front of her son. That is objectively being a bad mom. I’m sure she puts in a lot of effort in other ways, but that’s just not ok or safe for a kid.
I think it's shameful Netflix let Mildred in the same room as Tiff after being informed about the arrest (Tiff has confirmed she informed the producers before the reunion).
I think Tiff's response in this same platform should be next to react ❤
Yesss she shared so much information and I’d love his reaction to the psych information she shared
Yes I was just going to comment this!
It took me 28 years to finally admit I that I was a victim of abuse, both physical and emotional, by my mother. It finally really dawned on me when I was setting a very understandable boundary about not wanting to talk about something, she flipped out, turned it into a whole argument, and concluded with “Sometimes I can’t believe I raised such a bitch for a daughter.” I insisted on a real apology and it took her 3 days of insisting she didn’t say that, then admitting she said it but I misunderstood, then blaming me for saying it, and saying she was sorry we fought, before she finally said just sorry. And this was my life for 28 years. If she beat me, she found a way to make me believe I was at fault, if she insulted me or called me names, she would convince me that I either deserved it or misunderstood. I’m with a therapist now and we’re working very hard on reprogramming my brain like Doctor Honda is talking about here. It’s hard hard work because I’ve been blaming myself and questioning myself for so long, it’s like trying to form a whole new brain. Thank you for explaining this in this video Doctor Honda. Hearing the term “gaslighting” used so much and so often wrong in the general media is hard for many victims who are dealing with the real consequences of gaslighting. I’m happy there are places like here where people can learn what it really is and how to help victims. To any victim who’s reading this, you’ll be ok and we’ll get through this.
My story is almost identical to yours. You’re in the hardest stage right now but you’re going to come out feeling amazing and safe and happy and healthy on the other side soon. EMDR really really really helped me, I highly recommend it for you to try if you get the option someday!
You are a wonderful human being and you deserve the world.
❤
I wish you all the best, Nicolette! Hopefully you’ve found the right therapist for you and you can heal from all the the trauma, pain, guilt and emotional wounds your mother inflicted on you! ♥️😢 None of it was your fault! You’re strong and resilient! And hopefully you’ll come out even stronger after working through everything!
Not sure this might make you feel better but I had a similar upbringing (sounds like maybe less physical abuse.. I'm sorry about that) and she still talks to me the same way with the same patterns... except I always recognized that she was in the wrong, since I was a small kid. For the longest time, I thought that because I didn't accept the insults and the gaslighting and pushed back on her, I had "won" and had not let the circumstances get to me because I always recognized it as wrong or abuse. It took a lot of issues in my ccurrent relationship and a year of therapy to understand all the behaviors, values, and self-doubt I internalized and how they're affecting almost every sngle aspect of my life. I'm typing this to say that you should't feel bad about how long it took you to realize or accept ths was abuse, because even having always known it, the damage is still there - and I'm almost 40! I hope you are able to heal and have the support you need!
Dr. Honda speaks about IPV with such care. It's one of the few places on the internet I trust to get information on this sensitive topic.
Tiff posted a UA-cam video describing their story and abuse that they faced. They give much more context there and I’m curious to hear your thoughts on it
I didn't realize why I was so emotional watching this scene until watching Dr. Honda talk about it, but the way Mildred talks reminds me so much of my dad. Constantly redirecting the conversation to some unrelated topic, acting like they are the real victim and the world is against them, telling partial truths but then twisting it into a lie to make the other person seem bad. And when you try to get back on topic or speak up for yourself, they immediately interrupt and bring something else up. And no matter what you say or how you say it, nothing changes! They aren't listening and don't actually care about what you're saying, it's all about them! It is so frustrating to talk to people like this and I totally understand why Tiff had to just walk away. There is no way to win against people like this, they will just keep going and going until the other side is at their limit.
It's so wild that I spent 20+ years getting abused and never realized/ acknowledged it until Dr. Honda's videos. He's truly a gift to the world
0:00 Catching up - Mildred and Tiff break up
1:40 Volatility, fights, intimate partner violence, ''I'm not proud of what i did...'', violence in non violent partners, ''stop interrupting me''
8:40 Mutual abuse, perpetrators claiming they're victims
11:50 Perpetrators smoke screen
17:30 Extracting oneself from a high control relationship - brainwashing
- 20:15 Gaslighting, bulldozing (getting away from the abuse increases the abuse), internalizing that you deserve it
Don't forget to like and subscribe because Stirk deserves it, they really really do
Dr. Honda, I encountered your content not too long ago. I began watching your analysis of Love is Blind and suddenly I can’t stop myself from listening to your wise comments on the psychological view of things. I am a person who does not feel the need to go to therapy but deep down is beginning to realize and accept that everyone does. I still haven’t started the process of looking for a therapist but I wanted to thank you for bringing this type of content to UA-cam and for opening people’s eyes (like myself) to the subject area.
I feel when you say “please take care or yourselves. You deserve it, you really really do.” Thank you for these words and for just being who you are. ❤
I love this for you. Good luck on your journey getting into therapy 💜
I wish it was less expensive lol
Tiff made a video on UA-cam about the situation after the reunion. They didn't want to bring up everything about the abuse on tv but decided to share afterwards and defend themselves
I’m glad to see you finally getting to this point in the reunion
Dr. Honda, your analogy and explanation of abuse is precise and near exact. I have heard few descriptions and explanations of abuse that go into it in that much detail with accuracy. Is there any chance you would be willing to do a series on DV where you go into examples and provide guidance on simple things women can do to help themselves in addition to suggesting therapy? Also, how can one deal with post-separation abuse when they have a baby with the abuser and therefore cannot escape? What can a survivor do to help a child that is being abused due to court-ordered visitation time or, worse, custody with the abusive ex?
Thank you so much for this. I was in a relationship where everyone was telling me I was abused even though he wasnt physically abusive he would taunt me. There was a point where i snapped and threw a hair brush to get him away. This never has happened before or after that incident. I then bursted into tears and felt awful. Even though the police said that it was normal I just thought i was an abuser. It wasnt until now 3 years later watching this. I actually feel like i can forgive myself. So thanks again.
Many hugs. This is called reactive abuse. The abuser will push and push and push and eventually you snap - and then they call your outburst abusive and can claim being a victim. I'm so sorry you experienced it ❤
Thank you, Dr. Kirk! You handled this discussion with so much care and expertise. The situation between Tiff and Mildred reminded me a lot of my prior abusive (lesbian) relationship, which took me a long time to recover from.m because of the reasons you explained. I couldn’t even admit to myself that it was abusive until after I left. She was trying to convince me that I was the problem but was also preventing me from leaving. I didn’t know which way was up or down but I thought that if I was the problem, surely I should leave. It wasn’t until I got away (and had to hide out from her stalking and smearing me at work) that I could even contemplate what had happened.
You picked up on so many things in the dynamic between Tiff and Mildred that I noticed but couldn’t put words to. Especially how Tiff was both reacting and NOT reacting. To me it looked like Mildred was trying to displace the shame she felt about the arrest and “abandonment” onto Tiff by throwing everything at the wall that she thought was likely to get a reaction from Tiff to see what stuck. You could tell by the inconsistency in Mildred’s own storytelling that she was taking (at best) kernels of truth and presenting them in some distorted way, out of context, or some chronologically inconsistent way to make Tiff look bad.
That Netflix did not protect Tiff from having to sit in front of and defend herself against her violent abuser is really messed up.
Sadly from the start these 2 had a DV vibe to them :( I was hoping I was wrong but once I saw Mildred react after Aussie left , I knew she had this possible mode for violence … she clicked into survival mode so quickly
Tiff UA-cam response next!
Yes! Been trying to say this but UA-cam keeps deleting my comment lol
@@BrigadeOfOctopiomg same, why is that???
Yeah deleted my comment too
@@YineTime so weird!
Mine also got deleted, and I’ve noticed on reaction videos to other shows that sometimes (but not always) my comments recommending new shows get deleted. It’s so weird.
I've been waiting for Dr. Honda's take on this episode.
I felt so horrible for Tiff watching this.. And I am SO disappointed in this "host" for just allowing Mildred to walk all over Tiff and completely gloss over the fact Mildred was ARRESTED for assault. I understand Tiff leaving. Nobody was interested in hearing their side of the story... That being said, they both probably did some messed up things in their relationship and thankfully they are no longer in it. I hope they heal and find healthier ways to communicate with their future partners
I really enjoyed this series of videos you have done for this show. I saw myself in Rae for a few reasons and hearing you speak about her made me really think about looking into therapy. Also, Mildred, I personally wasn't in a romantic relationship with someone like that but she was my step mother. Hearing you speak about abusers makes me think about my relationship with her.
Throwing a dog gate at someone from the top of the stairs can cause seriously bodily injury OR DEATH!!! Riva Mildred is dangerous. I’m glad that Tiff got away from her. She needs real help, but she doesn’t seem like she’s in a place to seek it out.
Do you think you’ll be reviewing tiffs video talking about the reunion?
Just a reminder for those who don't know, Tiff uses They/Them pronouns!
Wow! Thank you, Dr. Honda for such a deep explanation on abuse. I thought that I knew a lot about abuse and IPV, but I get it even better now. it helps me better understand what my sister is going through.
First thing I thought was... this is real gaslighting! They both seem so broken just from thos relationship...I tender to say that Mildred shows so many signs of classic abusive person...
Tiff did a later youtube video to explain her side/ the situation. it would be wonderful if you were to watch that one as well.
That is what I am talking about when I hear "grey Rocking", that would've never worked. Even before I heard the term, I tried walking away, requesting we discuss it later, ignoring, placating... it literally made it worst. He would just become hostile!
Tiff posted a response, I'm curious of your thoughts on it.. They have a podcast on UA-cam
Thank you for the information on signs of a potentially abusive relationship. This was very informative.
I cant wait for you to get to Tiff's follow up video. They got into some stuff that id love to hear your take on!
Where Yoly doesn't say enough so it hides the truth, Mildred says so much so it obfuscates it.
Just started the video and I see by the title it's a rough topic hope Tiffs ok. Just happy to come home to some kind of distraction after the therapy session I had today sorry if that's selfish. Got into trauma with alters I had no idea of and it kinda broke me. Your voice Dr Honda is comforting no matter the topic, fortunately.
It is so validating to hear Dr. Honda explain tactics of perpetrators. As someone who has experienced the bulldozer, Mildred is triggering 😣
Thanks for the video. Can you do one commenting on Tiff’s video responding to the reunion?
Love your shirt Kirk 😊 happy pride! 🌈
At 20:10 when you can clearly see Mildred got to Tiff, Mildred's face just screams satisfaction and pleasure. I found it so off putting I had to look away everytime I tried watching it.
This victim abuse dialogue is very much for anyone who has been spanked or whooped in their childhood
Hiiiiii!!! 😊 thanks Dr Honda
Does anyone know where I can watch the video she’s talking about the amaranth ones
13:36 I don't wear eyeliner and I don't own eyeliner maam what do you think is on your eyes right now
omg giving up is so accurate, ny mom was abusive my dad was like that, he just gave up and he'd try to convince me to give up and submit and then I didnt understand why he would do that to me and i got mad at him, and when I got old enough I just bounced..i think people who are so used to the abuse dont see that there is a way out anymore now i can understand and im so glad i left
Rewatching this and seeing Yoli laughing about Mildred's abuse is really upsetting. I'm pretty sure Yoli got a biased story from Mildred ahead of time, because she seems fully onboard the "Mildred was the victim and this is her fighting back against and abusive Tiff" train. She's very much like, "Get 'em girl!" but she needs to be approaching these situations with way more care because its so hard to know what is actually going on.
I work in FV and SV space so I had a lot of similar thoughts to you when initially watching the video. Is this mutual abuse? Is this defense? Was there racism at play with the police? Although if the police arrested Mildred that goes against standard gender presentation biases, so maybe they did read the situation right. Mildred doesn't seem to be talking about relevant things so that indicates abuse? But is this all an editing trick? How much are we actually seeing?
But it definitely seems like Mildred is showing a pattern of abuse.
Yoly seems like an awful person.
Maybe yoli is similar in those regards
Yoli Is an idiot and a liar.
Yoli Is an idiot and a liar.
It’s so f..up how Mildred uses her comiting DV to blame Tiff for calling the police and putting her custody of child in problem.
Yeah abusive people dont let you leave the situation, they will do everything to continue to be in the same room
I only watch the clips from your reaction videos but I was so surprised Mildred and tiff were in a relationship together. Their personalities are like 💥+💥
Mildred was very triggering to me having been in a relationship with someone similar to her, like her Mom boldface lied to not upset the situation.
Tiff did concede later that she had bought some type of dating dice game.
I think bringing them back together wasn't very trauma informed. If the producers knew she was arrested, then that's irresponsible. Again if there was a queer host this would've played out differently too.
Because Mildred is female they assumed NBD.
People have been mad at Yoly for asking her (Mildred) if she needed water & I like to hope she knew that cold water will calm her down.
Tiff & Vanessa spending time together was a big surprise that came out of this reunion.
Tiff made a youtube video where she talked about her side of the story! I think you'll find it really insightful!
tiff made a video talking about her experience in the reunion episode and more context about what happened with mildred - maybe you could take a watch
So what is the best thing to do if you're being abused? Still try to walk away?
Dr Honda, it would be so interesting to hear your reaction to the UA-cam video that Tiff posted explaining their side of the story.
I posted a reaction to their video. Those videos should be on my channel.
@@PsychologyInSeattle I watched it, thank you!
I'm only < 3 minutes into the video, but what you said about never having had the urge to throw anything at your wife... It legitimately gave me pause.
I've been thrown stuff at by both my parents and thrown things in their direction (never to hit, but like warning shots, sort of). Yet despite this and them modelling that behaviour to me...
I've never once wanted to throw anything at my partner. I guess that says something about how safe I feel, and felt, even in the most tumultuous times (pre-25 y/o brain, ifykyk).
Tangent over, I am just grateful ♡ Thank you for helping me have that realisation.
Tiff was talking about how her beloved animal had to get an emergency surgery and it turned into a FULL BLOWN RAGE from Mildred just bc Tiff spoke. She is without a shadow of a doubt the abuser, she could’ve literally killed Tiff throwing furniture at her.
But you missed the part where Mildred said she found the games and then 2 seconds later said the leasing office gave them to her. I’m not sure what to believe
I like joanna garcia but she doesn't have a strong presence to challenge the people. They need someone who is more, i don't want to say more dominant.
I thought the s*x board game thing might have been a company sending Tiff free products for promotion. Unhinged of mildred to bring up but its the only way i can think that these board games really existed and perhaps might have been addressed to tiff. Tiff's confusion seemed so real but just seemed like a weird thing to make up wholecloth bc... Who cares?
No, on Tiff's podcast, they say that they were actually just 'get to know you' trivia cards. Like what you might do in a new relationship to learn more about them.
Mildred is clearly abusive and wrong. But I do also feel bad for her. I'm sure she is so pained on a daily basis. It's no excuse to be abusive and I feel so bad for Tiff. I just also know that Mildred is suffering too, and I hope she can get help to end the cycle. 💔
Mildred is definitely suffering. Dr. Honda has said in other reaction videos that the abusers he's treated are hurt ppl. He even said in this one, abusers don't wake up and make a plan to hurt ppl. They do as a means to fulfill their needs. Does not excuse their behavior at all, but it does help us understand why it happens.
I would have liked to hear Tiff say whether they did punch holes in the walls or not. I don’t think anything makes Mildred’s behaviour ok either way. Mildred made a video claiming she was physically abused by Tiff and claimed if she called the police every time Tiff would be in prison. Mildred seemed more upset about Tiff’s dating other women than the violence in their relationship which made me think how desensitized she is to this craziness.
I felt Mildred seemed like she wanted to control the narrative in her confrontation but it backfired.
Tiff seemed to have anger issues when speaking with Sam in their trial marriage so I initially thought Tiff was potentially abusive because they acknowledged their anger issues to Mildred on the show as well. Both Tiff and Mildred claim they engaged in “reactive abuse”. It’s very confusing to me because neither claim mutual abuse and both claim reactive abuse, but how can we know the difference when we were not there?
Hearing Mildred speak during their arguments…I just knew she was abusive. I just knew it. And her blaming it on being a Latina was laughable.
Ugh, mildred is just so gross..n i get it hurt ppl hurt ppl but still....im hurt n i try not to perpetuate more hurt into the world.
But when this B, played the latina card i wanted to scream. As a puerto rican myself, especially when trying to date, its frustrating when guys are like are u crazy like all other latina women. Its NOT OK N ITS NOT A PASS! Like tiff said, respect has no race. Although now, ive learned how to play off that statement with, "idk why u mean.... oh really, ive never heard that before... i treat my partners with respect n if u dont, then its not a relationship ill stay around for".
Mildred is a psycho she didn’t need to abuse her for not being good enough just leave no need to hurt abuse and be little someone because she couldn’t provide for you
Almost everybody that seems to bring somebody on the show is manipulative. Literally I got negative vibes from every person who was giving the ultimatum on all seasons
Can you let the clip run for a little longer than 4 seconds lol
The host realy should be changed, I think they should atlast be apart of the community. They need someone who will interrupt and keep things on track.
this latina woman is dangerous
I don't think a psychologist should be allowed to post this kind of statement about a oerson on social media. It harms the person in question and I think it is unethical. You are not honoring your profession this way.
To me this is clearly a case of mutual abuse. We saw how tiff is able to get angry and abusive as well while she was with Sam. It’s as if people forgot that because she seemed so tempered the rest of the show (from what we saw). That doesn’t mean that’s an accurate portrayal of how she is all the time or how she is with Mildred specifically. Mildred always alluded to the fact that their fights were very heated and that usually takes TWO people to participate in. Everyone wants to blame Mildred but they were likely both contributing to the toxicity in the relationship.
Fighting back when you constantly getting antagonized isn’t abusive. It’s clear from tiff time with sam that when no one is starting fights with them, they actually don’t see the need to raise their voice or be aggressive. It’s not mutual abuse when one person is abusing another and as a defense, the abused victim fight back and sometimes already preemptively ready to fight whenever they know a tense topic is coming. It’s very normal. Mildred displayed so much more signs of an abusive Partner. There is no excuse to getting physically violent and the way Mildred was justifying it in this reunion says it all. Constantly bringing up useless little details (bills, kids, home late, etc.) if it’s a reason for someone to get abusive when nothing she mentioned really deserve to cause a fight. May be a discussion but that’s it. For her to think that these things prove that she somehow got a reason to be abusive…. Means that every little thing will be used by Mildred to justify a fight and thus make it ok that it escalate to throwing things… may be she believes that but that’s not normal. Tiff chose to leave not continue to engage. That should be another indicator that they do not start the fight, they fight back and get cornered. Idk why you’re so keen on making it into both sides are abusive situation when there’s so much more evidence showing otherwise.
@@julie91295 thank you for saying this. This is how I felt my experience was
@@FweebsPodcast just listened to your podcast yesterday! Sending lots of love and well wishes to you on your journey to heal. I’m glad you’re here and able to see Dr. Honda further validate your experience and see how supported you are ❤️
@@julie91295 what you’re describing is called reactive abuse and we can’t definitively confirm from the limited interactions we’ve seen that tiff is the reactive abuser and Mildred is the perpetrator. More than likely they are both perpetrators to eachother. Just because tiff did not continue her abusive tactics with sam doesn’t mean she doesn’t engage in abuse towards Mildred with whom she has history, emotions and established patterns with. Abusers don’t go around abusing every person in their lives. Also sam was extremely understanding and emotionally intelligent, who’s to say that Mildred also would’ve changed her behaviour had she been paired with Sam and not someone who triggered her??
First of all, I think Tiff prefer they/them so let’s make sure we do that. But what are the indicators that support your point that they are “more than likely” both perpetrators? From what I observed with the way Tiff was trying to leave and remove themselves + what dr. Honda observed and noted, I think there are more indicators on Tiff as a DV survivors. There are almost no real evidence of mutual abuse that I’ve seen on the show. From what we saw, “reactive abuse” is a weird way to say self defense. Using the word abuse when the person is simply defending themselves from onslaught of attacks feels wrong and almost giving reason for perpetrators to mitigate their responsibility. Tbh I think we don’t know enough to insist things are one way or another, what I do know is from what is presented, we are watching abuse happening from Mildred to Tiff. That is evident. Mildred is a person with lots of pain and hurt feelings. We can empathize with that and understand her reaction p, but That doesn’t mean she wasn’t abusive. If you get triggered by every little thing and your chosen tactics is start fight, bulldoze and attack until your partner submit, you are an abuser. Sam is the perfect example of someone who dealt with Aussie and have conflict but she didn’t turn to abusive behavior. On the other hand, Mildred already started to exhibit abusive traits with Aussie, someone she didn’t have as much connection with. Getting triggered to argue doesn’t equal abuse. Feeling pain and hurt and argue is not the same as being abusive and controlling and picking on things until you overwhelm the other person so they will submit to your will. Then, turn every little action your partner is doing into a huge issue until they are too scared and do anything you ask to avoid a conflict. To the abuser, every normal couple conflict will become a disaster where the abused end up feeling like they are unworthy. That’s abuse. Tiff might have brought high reactivity to their relationship with Sam bc that’s what they were used to but they adjusted quickly once they realize that oh I don’t have to defend myself anymore. Someone with the need to instigate and abuse won’t do that. Abusers will try to pick on things and make a simple issue that should just be a calm discussion between couples into something bigger and insist that something is wrong with you that you would be upset at them for feeling that way. That’s the language and attitude that Mildred would use with Aussie. That’s my perspective from where I’m at. I did listen to Tiff’s side of the story more so I’m sure I have my bias, but tbh everything they brought up feel legitimate and clear. Meanwhile, even as I’m trying to be open minded and listen to Mildred recount, I still don’t see how she escalate things to that extend even if every accusations she made against Tiff were true. Like nothing she mentioned matters, none justify the reaction she had and what she did. Then, the way Tiff has always reacted when they just get bullbozed over by Mildred and their desperation to just remove themselves and disengage from the argument and tension vs the way Mildred seems to thrive in engaging in the fights and actively trying to get the other person to submit instead of having any inclination to listen. That’s the difference to me.
MILDRED = BPD + NPD