I think this is such an important topic. I am in my 6th decade and still undiagnosed (officially) After many years of unconscious masking and with some degree of Alexithymia, I really struggle to have any sense of who I really am. I feel like I am just a collection of characters that I have invented to suit some particular occasion, like a closet full of old clothes. I would urge everyone on the spectrum to think often about what they actually feel & like & want, and try always to keep a hold on who you really are. It’s work, but we have to prioritize it for our own sake :)
As a young teenager, I once said to someone that I didn’t really have my own personality but that it was made up of bits of other people’s personalities.
I relate to this so much. 60 years old, formal dx few months ago. I never really understood who i am and i need to find my lost self. I want to find me. It's all new, knowing now that not everyone has done this all their life. It would be amazing to discover a process that helps find our true selves.
I've given myself a psychedelic summer and I swear at many times I felt like I was shedding a skinsuit, peeling back layers and layers! Mostly egoic defenses protocols. I am not a doctor nor is this is an endorsement of magical mushrooms.
Please don’t stop singing! I also often find myself singing sentences, often repeating things I’ve heard, but not in public. At one point in my life, I had a diagnosis, pre-DSM-V, of Asperger’s Syndrome. It is only recently, by watching relatable videos like this, that I have begun to identify as being on the Autism Spectrum.
Hi Jeffery, Thank you for your comment. I believe that pre-dsm-V i would have also been diagnosed with Aspergers. However I am happy that we have been placed in the rest of the spectrum because it acknowledges our varies needs.
I’ve only managed to unmask in front of my daughter and any new people I meet. But with people that I knew before my diagnosis when I was masking heavily, I just can’t unmask in front of them. I actually try to avoid them because I can’t help but mask for them and I really don’t like doing that any more.
I totally get what you’re saying I used to do it too, but honestly, if you do want those people in your life they either understand or they don’t. You don’t need to hide yourself ever. My older friends have been a lot more understanding than I thought they would be, and have actually become a huge part of my community and the people I go to for help. My family is not as understanding. They think I should be beating autism out of my kids, so they definitely don’t get it for me. I just avoid them. But you chose those friends for a reason, and don’t have to keep them if they’re not going to be supportive. I hope it gets better. 😘 it’s hard for all of us but we can lean on each other while figuring it out.
Honestly, whether or not you want to, you'll likely unmask if you run out of resources to keep it up. I'm definitely not recommending that as it outright sucks. But, I've found that even before I realized that I'm outright autistic, not just with significant autistic traits, it would just start to leak out and I didn't really have any control at that stage as I'd already spent what resources I had keeping it there in normal day to day living. I do think that it's important to remember that if you were masking substantially that it's going to be like you're completely somebody else and I'm kind of looking forward to figuring out who I am, as I'm generally masked to the point of being a completely different person.
I was finally diagnosed out of the blue at the age of 46. When I learned about masking, realized I was doing it and not only that, but that I was REALLY good at it... I'm a master... I had an existential crisis. I had serious self identify concerns... But after a conversation with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I think a lot of our concerns about masking are overblown. If you really think about it, everyone masks. Even neurotypical folks. They want to fit in to, and nobody is totally 'normal' naturally. So you pick out the traits that you think make a "good person" and emulate them. So it's not even like you're faking some stranger... You're emulating your vision of the ideal person... Which is a noble goal, and really it's how you turn yourself into a better person overall. The problem isn't the masking, the problem is that those of us that were undiagnosed as we got older, we were lacking some very important information when we developed our masks or strategies for dealing with life. So some of our habits or strategies can end up being unhealthy for those with ASD... Because we didn't know we had ASD when we started those habits. So we're in this weird position where we have the wisdom of age, but that wisdom was built on some false premises. So now, later in life, we have to reflect on some pretty basic things everyone learned in grade school/highschool, and relearn how to approach those things. As far as I'm concerned, we all mask, and we always will. It's part of life. But the way in which you mask changes depending on your world view. If you have ASD but don't realize it, you're going to create the wrong kind of mask. One that can cause you pain. Because you built it off the advice of folks who didn't have autism. Now that you know you have autism, you have to go back over some pretty rudimentary life skills, and rethink how you approach those situations with the new found knowledge that you have ASD. I used to say I hated people, they were all dumb, I didn't really want friends. But that was just a mask I'd put on to make it look like I'd chosen this fate for myself. Yes, it helped me save some pride by making it look like I was right where I wanted to be, but in reality, I really did want more friends and disposing that outward image wasn't helping the situation. Now I can just say "I have ASD, it makes socializing hard for me." I don't have to hide the fact that I tend to piss everyone off because now I know, it's not my fault, I'm not being a jerk, I really don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't have to be ashamed anymore, and now importantly, now I have new knowledge that will make dealing with that situation a lot easier. I've started going to autism meetings locally and oh my God, prior to those meetings I'd never been in a room where I felt like I belonged and was understood.
Honestly, I don't think they really are. It probably does depend a bit on just how much a person has to mask, but I personally pretty much carpet bombed my entire person in order to get by. Granted, I did get a lot of positive from it as well, but I was literally just standing there yesterday looking out of somebody else's eyes due to the accompanying Alice in Wonderland Syndrome and being like, so this is what it's like to be those people in Being John Malkovich. I think they nailed the movie and I'll need to watch it again for tips. Personally, I did think the same thing until recently when I've had to be masked for pretty much my entire waking life and I just couldn't do it. Traits started to leak out on their own and I'm starting to hear myself sound like Raymond from Rain Man the way that I used to. If you don't notice a significant difference between masked and unmasked, I'd look very closely at what's going on, because there's a decent chance that you're masking more than you realize and that you're stimming more as well. But, who knows. People do vary in any community.
This really hit me. I'm 42 and just starting my diagnosis journey. I only learned what masking was last year and now I realise I also am very good at it, and have been doing it for probably most of my life. It messes with your head. This whole autism thing and making the connection between it and myself, it's been quite overwhelming but also, like you say, it all just makes so much sense now. My whole life just feels different. The understanding of myself.
The closest comparison I've come to is that, realizing you have ASD is like realizing that you're gay. I'm not gay, but I've talked with people that are, and when they were younger they were very confused by their own behaviors. Why didn't they like their first girlfriend like their friends said they should? Why did they get angry at "friends" for not spending enough time with them? weird stuff like that... then they realize "Oh, because I was attracted to them romantically... because I'm gay" etc... and suddenly they have to re-evaluate all these weird moments from their past with this new knowledge about themselves and suddenly those situations make a lot more sense... they can stop being angry about them. I kind of felt the same way about finding out I had autism. I had 40 years of confusing experiences that suddenly made a lot more sense. It's so much time that even now, years later, I still have new memories of some misunderstanding that I can years ago that now make a lot more sense. @@GraySmithMusic
I think for me I'm so used to how it feels to mask that I now think that when I search for my "authentic self" I approach it like looking for a mask that feels more "me". But I think the key is to truly take off the mask. It should feel like nothing. It's not "trying to act more genuine" it's actually not trying to be anything. I just think many of us have masked for so long we don't know and can barely conceive of what that would feel like. It's like if you've never had to get naked to change clothes, you could just "poof" be wearing a different outfit. All our lives we've poofed into the outfit we think will fit the situation. Even when we're by ourselves we still have some kind of outfit on. So we don't really know what it's like to be naked. And to the extent we can picture it a little it sounds super scary and vulnerable and like everyone will judge us. But that's what I picture needing to do (metaphorically, not literally going out naked in public!). Yeah. Hope that makes sense!
Imposter Syndrome is so real. Actually when I was at the University of Cambridge they had a whole lecture on it with new students so it must be very real.
Another important thing to think about when we're talking about masking is that I think we often do it to try and please other people. I think that right there is the entire reason why I do it and why I didn't think of it as "masking' -- it was just trying to be "agreeable" in my mind. And it's hard to get out of that mentality and start thinking things like, "What would I be doing right now if I didn't have to please everybody else?" Would I be silent instead of making small talk? (YES). Would I be looking somewhere else instead of making eye contact? (YES). Lately, I've been avoiding eye contact altogether and it's been very freeing. It's helpful to shift into that mindset where I start to consider, what do I really want to do in X situation. But it's hard because non-autistic people think that looking them in the eye and talking to them is how you show that you like them. And it's like, if you are an agreeable person, it's very distressing to think that someone might not like you, especially when it's not at all the case. It is a super tough question, and it was also a great video on the subject.
Thank you SueAnne for saying this. Sometimes with these tough topics I feel very unsure. A lot of youtube videos on autism make it seem so clear (five steps to...) and even I have some videos like that but sometimes things aren't black and white.
I agree with everything you said. At 48 I just really started accepting myself and the fact that not everyone will like me. A great support system is also helpful to let go of masking.
What a great comment. I also feel the same in regards to being a people pleaser and being agreeable. I have had severe worry in the past if people don't like me which makes me mask even more intensely which in turn burns me out or causes a disruption in an important relationship, unfortunately. I'm only learning now, this year, that it is totally OK for others not to like me, that I can actually suit myself and my needs (my need to be alone to reset) and the world actually does not fall down, because ultimately NT people do not care an iota about me.
I've never felt like any of this masking/unmasking made sense until I read your comment, thank you so much. Being agreeable is exactly how it feels. Asking myself what I would rather be doing is maybe the way I begin learning how to unmask. Thank you so much!
Lol. I can’t stop singing your intro either! Every time I hear ANY creator say “like and subscribe”, I INSTANTLY sing out loud “hit the subscribe button, ring the bell” Woodshed Theory Style. It drives my teenage daughter crazy, but I can’t stop either 😂💕😊
+{UCMdBKUMn6TsS13zNV2XZ8TQ} *As an autist with a special interest in music, I brainstorm harmonies as a suitable song reaches the ear.* One current project o' mine is expanding on the Avalon original, which hinted at a third chorus, on: *TESTIFY TO LOVE ( 3x Vocals / àux Avalon x Cimorelli x Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir ) / Originally intended for OMS JAPANESE CHRISTIAN CHURCH* ( Paul Field / Hendrik Henk Pool II / Ralf van Manen / Robert T. Riekerk ) Windswept Pacific Music Ltd., MCPS-PRS / Universal MCA Music Netherlands BV, BIEM although I'm now handicapped recording what in choral terminology are the highest parts o' the proposed score.
I agree Claire, it is very difficult to remove the mask because it is difficult to know what is masking and not. I find if I feel I am forcing myself to be a certain way or say something in a specific way, then I am masking. When I am not masking, it feel more effortless. But also, some things are so ingrained, over time, that it becomes natural even when it really isn't. I am sure you get what I mean. ;) Either way. You can only controll your own opinion of yourself, not of everyone around you. 😘
That is very true, the older I get the less I care about the what others think of me. I used to care so much and obsess over it because I wanted to fit in. Now I am ok with doing my own thing.
@@WoodshedTheory Hi Claire, I just stumbled upon Paul's video on the step by step proccess to unmasking, in a safe way. I thought you might find it really interesting. :) ua-cam.com/video/bA4gy2MTyxg/v-deo.html
For me unmasking is happening by layers; 5 years since my diagnosis and I'm getting closer to being the real me. Masking has caused so much mental and emotional trauma and a compete identity crisis. The fog is lifting more and more each day and for that I am thankful. Is it hard work, absolutely but so much better than the alternative. I still struggle with figuring out how I'm feeling or articulating how I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing this topic and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us. 💜
I love your intro. Keep singing and being your fab and wonderful self. If you do things that others find annoying, that's on them, it is their problem not yours. I love your videos and your honesty. The more I read and watch stories and experiences of how autism presents in women, the more I believe that the reason I am the way I am is because I am autistic. It all makes sence with how i have and do experience the world, and have done for the past 47 years.
This video helped me a lot more than one of those "3 ways to unmask" videos would have. Just being honest and real is so powerful. Isn't that what unmasking is? You are showing us that. It's beautiful, by the way.
Thank you for this. I was just diagnosed last week and I am feeling overwhelmed emotionally. A lot of what you said really resonates. Also thank you for showing me an example of how to respond when someone says to stop singing. I do that too and have gotten those kind of reactions and it just knocks me down. I love your opening and get it stuck in my head all the time. ❤ thank you for showing me that it’s not like a quick thing. I’ve been feeling like I should be able to just drop it, but like you said, I don’t have a good grasp on who I am right now. Big journey ahead I guess 😅 always love your videos! ❤
Thank you for your thoughts Taylor. I totally relate to feeling overwhelmed by the diagnosis. I remember not knowing how to process and crying a lot. You are very welcome here. Keep singing!
Sorry, but I couldnt watch through to the end. i appreciate you talking about this, but it just brings up too many bad memories of school. By the end I had given up and started deliberatly trying to push everyone away. It was easier to be the weirdo that nobody liked. Dealing with the isolation and lonelyness was somehow easier than the constant stress of trying to fit in.
@@nonnymoose6260 I cannot seem to speak the language of clothing and make up, no matter how hard I try! It's like, I can't decide on one style... style ADD?? And I can't really picture myself accurately. Nothing turns out looking the way I thought it would. Also, if I don't know myself, how do I know what I want to look like? Help! Lol...
I don't really do makeup, as a teen I would wear eye liner and mascara and I still have them around but rarely bother with it. I think it is maybe seen as a bit odd to not wear any makeup at my age, I'm only 33, seems like most women my age do wear it. But I think I know what you're saying about war paint, mine is jewellery. Some necklaces are defensive like my snake necklace helps make me feel strong and I have a moonstone necklace that makes me elegant and different stuff like that
FINALLYYYY someone who relates to not fitting into any social group. I hate categorizing and compartmentalizing people bc I know everyone is unique but I always feel like everyone I meet always fits into about 10 different subcategories I've created in my head and I don't fit into any of them, I don't want to say I'm "not like everyone else" but gosh it really FEELS like I am not! Almost everyone reminds me of someone else. I admire the most the people who I've never "seen" before in anyone else, people who feel truly original to me.
+WoodshedTheory *Masking is inherent to females, thus the medical profession misdiagnosing despite the obvious sensory issues.* More female-specific studies need undertaking..
So refreshing you are! First, I think it's 100% right on track for you to not know exactly who you are right now. I am in the same boat. I am only 1.5 years into diagnosis and I had 33 years of masking and trying to prove I knew who I was & impress everyone... so of course it takes a significant amount of time to untangle all that and re-examine the self to figure out what you really like now. I will say I think you are super unmaksed in your porch coffee videos and I adore those! I feel like I can really see who you are and I think she's awesome. Also, a big part of unmasking for me has been accepting that some people will always be annoyed by me, won't like me, won't get me etc. Because all of my masking was to fit in and be liked, I am finding this part to be the hardest to be ok with and feel safe with. It just takes a lot of time and practice and reminding myself that I like me, I am ok exactly how I am and if people don't jive with me, that's ok, those are not my people... there are soooo many freaking people and I can only interact so much anyway, so why am I trying to get everyone to like me? its exhausting. I also think it's important to remember that we all change as we age and go through different phases in life so checking in with yourself and making sure you are doing things because they make you happy is a life long process and it's worth it. I am just trying to be extra nice to myself these days and be ok with whatever parts of me that show up. trusting myself finally instead of looking to others to validate my existence & experiences is my hard work right now. I think it's natural for unmasking to take time and experimenting to see what feels good and what doesn't won't happen overnight or just because you read a few books, ya know. And also remembering that every autistic person is different, so our unmasking paths will all look a little different too. p.s. I put on glasses when I need a little extra buffer too
Love that you mentioned Claire in Porch Coffee. I totally agree!! Under the snuggles of the blanket and behind the mug of coffee we definitely get to see your beautiful personality ❤
Unmasking after a late diagnosis of autism... That has become my new focus now, shifting from struggle with imposter syndrome. So far what works for me is remembering to forgive myself for all those times I misunderstood myself and was hard on myself. Also to remind myself everyday that I do belong, in my own way and in my own space, and that I AM OKAY. Now trying to figure out what "Just be yourself" means, how to be me without mimicking
here are lyrics to a song I wrote called "Just Be Yourself". People always act like those are magic words that make life simple and everyone love you. But as soon as they tell you to just be yourself, they add a few things you need to change/tweak to make you a little better. I thought I was me already. Yo ho, yo ho...it's a parrots life for me Just Be Yourself by Mike Finelli I am looking at a xerox copy of a framed photo of a parrot puppet in a mirror that you gave me, to tell me, 'cause words failed, to stop being you the echo hurts your ears and it's nothing new So I'm not sure, what to do now, but make a copy, and hand it back to you so when you look at it, you can see I'm still confused All my life I've been told to be myself and they'll like you and she'll want you just to stay true oh just to be you But I'm not sure that we've been introduced. Me, this is I I, meet Me Has anyone seen myself? We'd love to meet who I'm supposed to be so I can tell Myself I was told to not be Me That I is a scared impostor You're who I already thinks everyone sees Just be yourself But change all of these things Just be yourself But a little more like me You choose each moment Simply decide to choose to be Just be yourself But don't swim in your sea You're too passive way too aggressive Dummy can't you land somewhere between?! You try too hard and you think too much if you tried thinkin once you'd know just what I mean Now go be yourself And you'll be worry free Oh, it's not working then change the you you bring But be yourself only with less and more of every single thing Can't wait to tell Myself when I find Myself Until then, Yo Ho!, Yo Ho! it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me another me to try to be another mask for you to see it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me it's a parrot's life for me
Hello Claire. And as an Autistic male on the Autism spectrum. I try to mask. But it never works out for me. The slightest sound like a police car causes me to have a meltdown out in public. Or like if if I have to go the doctor having a doctor touch me causes me to have a meltdown. I am very easily set-off buy sounds or people I don't know touching me. And I cry very easily. I used to try and hide my Autism from everyone. but when I have a meltdown so easily I figure it is not even worth trying to hide who I am.
You’re doing perfect James. There’s nothing wrong with meltdowns. We are processing too much information at once. Empathy from others is what we need, not to try and hide ourselves. I meltdown at the grocery store, and so do my children. Groceries aren’t avoidable and if people judge us, oh well.
Hi James, Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand that it isn't possible for everyone to mask their autism. I think I read it is more prevalent that females do this, but I am not sure if that is true. In any case, thank you for being you!
@@WoodshedTheory your welcome Claire. And yes I have tried to mask as an Autistic male. I have tried to fit in with everyone else. But I don't understand social cues. I have tried to watch what everyone else is doing. And your very welcome Claire.
I found this channel through Orion. So glad he gave this channel a shout out. I am also a late-diagnosed female on the autism spectrum. This was such a wonderful, helpful video!
Hey Claire, another excellent video for what seems to be a particularly personal topic for members of the community. Regarding "masking for videos", I think that people may confuse masking with acting (or are perhaps more critical) - why would you not want to create a well produced video for your community? However, I love the charm of Porch Coffee and the intent of that forum. Personally, having received a diagnosis much later than you, I still find the mask useful for both myself and those around me. That being said, my masking process was always accompanied by an attempt to predetermine every possible question and answer for an impending social interaction (doctor visit, working with clients, friends, etc). Having subsequently been told that this is not "normal", I gave myself permission to drop this behaviour and I am considerably less exhausted at the end of a day. Yay for incremental improvement! With regards to collapsing at the end of the day, Orion Kelly has an excellent "Coke Bottle for Autistic Adults" video that explains this behaviour really well.
Hi Andrew, 1. I am so proud of you for taking steps to be more of yourself. 2. Orion is an amazing person and I'm so happy you watch his videos. Did you know we did a colab?
Masking is a bit like method acting. Except that the project lasts for decades and doesn't get you residuals. But, for me, there are a couple levels, a bunch of it is trained behaviors that really need to be untrained as they are probably causing a great deal of damage to my sense of self. Others are on a more conscious level where I'm choosing to do things that make no sense or laugh at things I don't think are funny in order to get to stop interacting.
Great video, Claire! Never stop being yourself, no matter what anyone says. I have spent my life confused about who I am because I would mask so much. I would always come home after hanging out with people and think “who was that, that wasn’t me, why can’t I just be myself?!.” I was always exhausted. I remember any time I would be myself people would say “why are you acting like that? YOU’RE SO WEIRD!!!”. I remember how much that hurt but I wanted to fit in so I would just go back to pretending to be like everyone else. A diagnosis has helped me to get some answers and I am more secure in who I am than I have ever been. I still struggle and I still mask but I also allow myself to leave places when it’s too much for me.
HI Michele, your words really resonate with me. I have felt like this in my life. Even before going out when I was younger I was so nervous that I wasn't prepared enough with my mask.
What a great video and a difficult topic. I have seen so many autistic people say that you have to take off the mask and for me, I think that’s a bit drastic. I was late diagnosed as well, so have spent most of my life masking. Like you, I’m finding out who I truly am, little by little and I feel comfortable unmasking for the most part…but it’s with people whom I’ve always felt comfortable with….other people, I mask for small periods of time so I don’t feel drained. I have to admit that during lockdown I felt the most peaceful I have in a long time. Why? Because I was hanging out with my husband, who loves me just as I am and having FaceTime calls with my kids, one of whom is Autistic and the other one, just a beautiful person who loves me unconditionally. I do have FOGO( fear of going out) more than I used to but having that time being around these three people, loving me as I am has taught me and allowed me to feel more comfortable and confident being the true me.
Wow, I am happy you mentioned about feeling more at peace during quarantine. For the first time I felt I had a moment to breath and be comfortable. I don't think I will ever go back totally to the way things were.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's what I go through any time I let myself be introspective, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. (Though I wish that nobody had to go through it... not knowing who you are is really hard!)
It is a very important topic, thank you so much for addressing it! I'm late diagnosis as well (at 36 I think). Sometimes for me unmasking is becoming aware of not-doing something that I would like to do, checking in with the why ("because one does not do that" "because the other people might think..") and then giving myself allowance to do it anyway. That can be asking an awkward question, or fidgeting, or makind myself more comfortable, or.. But that is still not "all unmasked", of course... and not always an option. But becoming aware and making it a conscious decision does help, I feel.
I mask and it's exhausting. But, I don't know how to unmask because I do it automatically and have been for a long, long time. The depressing part is that usually for me masking doesn't exactly work. I'm still feel odd, awkward, and separate. I've stopped trying so hard to fit in so I guess maybe that's unmasking. Your video helps me to not feel alone in this. Thank you!
Listening to you in this video… I now realize I have been masking. However I never realized that I was. I too when feeling fully “me”… have been called odd, weird, too much, intense etc. this was super helpful!
I'm 53, and have learned recently I am on the spectrum. It's been quite an astonishing revelation to learn that everyone doesn't have different personalities they'd put on for different situations. I just assumed everyone did that! I never discussed what I now know is called masking with others, because I thought it was the way everyone just coped with different social and work situations to make other people comfortable and to seem like a likeable person. It's interesting to me that I've always been aware that some of my 'personalities' (masks) are more exhausting than others to put on, but I never knew it wasn't the same for most people. I just figured it was something people didn't discuss because it's not polite (or something?) to talk about how you're suppressing most of what you really think and feel.
Yeah, I feel that! It is no wonder that I was misdiagnosed with a personality disorder before my autism diagnoses. We take on this persona that gets us through life, depending on the situation. How do we undo that? What I have done is tried much less hard to “fit in.” Eye contact is not something that I force anymore. I am now okay with spending more time alone and/or at home. But it is so hard to simply “unmask.” I don’t know if I will ever fully know what it means or how to fully accomplish that 🤷🏻♀️ Oh yeah, I had the weird and nerd labels, from a very early age. I tried to fit in, but I never tried very hard.
I just realized that I had autism last week. This week has been very tough because now I’m hyper aware of my masking. It’s sort of kept me from doing it because now I’m thinking about it too much. I want to interact with people and need to for my job and not masking for the last week has been making this very difficult.
I am just slowly gaining courage to stim a little at work,, clap or whistle when i feel i need to do it,, having "t-rex" hands feels so natural :) ... seems to be a process which needs its time. I also think that do what body tells you to do is great first advice
I am happy for you - I wonder if I get a job outside the house again if i would feel comfortable - in my office job i would always sit weird in my chair cause that is what felt good and i know people found it strange
My first thought is to continue to seek an environment of accepting people who can understand and accept who you truly are. Either that or do what you do, which is to insulate. Lol
Last month I was utterly confused about masking, when my roommate brought it up about my autism. So I've been watching several videos about it. So this video is very helpful. I think my true self is the person who likes to wear makeup, I've always really love makeup and hair. A lot of people I know always try to get me to have a bare face, and be natural.. but I like crazy eyeshadow colors, and once again people say I'm masking, because I'm too old to look "weird". But I am weird, and I embrace it. So having said that, that is me not masking. Masking for me is not coloring my face and hair. To me I'm a canvas I like to paint on.
Hi Claire, this video is so precious and I appreciate the fact there aren't quick and simple answers. Unmasking isn't so easy, so thank you. I'm still masking because it's dangerous doing otherwise. My legal recognition is still far away, but something is finally moving. I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I want to thank you for your mission and compassion.
Hi Pass, please don't talk down about yourself. You have always been an amazing support to my channel and I really appreciate you. I am happy to hear that your legal recognition is moving along.
I'm not diagnosed, but I know I have traits and I know I mask. My mother is schizophrenic, so as a child I learnt to wear a mask both outside and at home, because if I didn't act normal maybe they would think I was ill like mum. At 14 my dad told me he wasn't worried about me any more as I was too much like his side of the family (this is a man who has spent 70 years obsessing about steam trains and has since had a grandchild diagnosed autistic - my brother's son - I have some suspicions!). His comment told me I was right to have hidden myself away but I remember thinking at the time he doesn't know me, so maybe he's wrong. I'd just been showing him what he wanted to see. Now at 30 something I still have no idea who I am - I still mask for friends and family. Since learning about autism I recognise myself in a lot of what I hear, but felt there was still something wrong because I don't know myself. Sorry for all the background, but I wanted to explain why it's so reassuring to learn that unmasking is a long process and I'm not alone - and maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Thank you! Don't stop singing unless you want to stop singing, you do you xx
Autism shared symptoms with other disorders so my suggestion is to continue to research and try to get a professional opinion if possible. I am happy to have you here
Fuk that. Take it off! You are never too much, they just aren’t enough for you. Dulling our sparkle doesn’t help you. You deserve to be yourself. If they think it’s “too much” THEY can “suck it up”. You’ve spent your entire life hiding, and don’t deserve to be punishing yourself for others to be comfortable. How long has that hurt you for? I’m on year thirty lol. And I’m done hiding who I really am. The ones who deserve ME will find me and love me.
Hi Everyone, I really understand how Misha feels. Sometimes it doesn't feel right to unmask, other times it does. It gets really confusing and sometimes scary.
@@WoodshedTheory yes it does. You are correct. I should have thought about that. It is not always safe to do so. I hate that we have to, but sometimes we do have to.
I think in society its not okay to show your true self, even if they say it. There are social rules. Only the authenticity that people with autism can show is appreciated only under specific circumstances. Besides this, I think you never know fully yourself. It's a life journey and your values could change over your life. You sing beautiful, but I don't like it in this way (in a talk video). If you make a singing clip it would be the perfect way😉 But I still think you have to make the video's in the way you want it, because it's your content. If people don't like it, they must not watch it. That's their choice. And if you want to satisify your followers or get many more followers than it's smart to take thr opinion of the 'average follower' into account, but if only 1 person says stop singing, you should not change anything.
I can relate to everything you are saying. I struggle with feelings of meaninglessness. Jumping from persona to persona, imitating and all that - that comes very naturally now after so many years of training. But which requires a lot of energy. What is really the outermost goal in general for an autistic person - stripped of all that masking? If neurotypical works toward for example building a career, togetherness, a family, dog and a house etc. What is the autistic equivalent of this? Or do we all strive, in general, to fill our life’s with the same types of things and that the same notions give life meaning? Neurotypicals as well as a neurodivergent.
I wish I had better answers for you as I try to figure it all out myself. I think the important thing is that we get to build the life we want, not what we think others want.
I haven't finished the video but I love the singing! I sing it to myself sometimes since words will cause sayings/songs to pop into my head lol. My coworker watches you too and we sing it together sometimes! 😂 Both of us love it. 💜
Ahh that is so sweet. You are probably the only coworkers in the world that watch me. I love that. I usually have music playing in my head - but the medication helps a lot. Not that it is a bad thing it just makes it hard to focus.
I just wanted to say don't listen to anybody who tells you to stop singing I thought it was silly and it made me laugh a little 😆 besides it's about you being you and I love to see people being authentic with themselves. Self love is the most important love.
I love the singing! It’s so catchy. It’s super inviting and unique to you. It’s also consistent which I love. This is your channel! Your channel, your rules. 😊
I was only diagnosed a couple of weeks before Christmas (I'm now 52) and have done a lot of reflecting. I remember growing up trying to do what the other kids did but because I didn't really understand how, I was always called out for being a try hard and strange amongst other names. I was a problem child, I didn't know how to act socially, my processing delay caused a lot of issues and when I would get home things would get worse as I literally unraveled as you put it. Even as an adult I never really knew how to be accepted. Even when I tried my hardest to appear normal, there were always people who picked on me and I never knew why until now. I was taught about my attitude as an adult and how I needed to change it in order to keep my job. My leader was very kind and taught me so much for which I am very grateful, but this was really the mask that I have been wearing for the past 5 or 6 years. Now having been diagnosed, I don't want to put the mask back on, but at work, you're expected to behave in a certain manner despite their claim to support diversity, they don't really. I'm now trying to work out who I really am, I suspect I am only the combination of a bunch of hyper obsessions but not much more. My eldest who is autistic does not mask at all, she's 17. She is apraxic which means everything that is in her head comes out of her mouth completely unfiltered. We are trying to teach her to try to filter what she says, but don't necessarily want her to mask either. We don't know what to do there. if anyone has any advise, it would be very welcome. love your videos Clare.
"despite their claim to support diversity, they don't really" They only support diversity when its beneficial to their bottom line. And even then, as a token gesture. Disney now role plays as an LGBTQ champion, when Disney is the company who would openly fire gay people in the past when it was socially accepted to do so.
First of all....KEEP SINGING. Second, unmasking for me is an ever-evolving act. Got my DX at 36 so I spent almost 40 years, my entire life, masking unconsciously. Sometimes I still don't know the difference between my true self and masking. Since my dx, I just try to ask myself one question... Am I doing this because I WANT to, or am I doing this because I feel "they" want me to, or expect it? Third, since my dx, I have given myself full permission to be "myself" because now I know what crowd I fit in with and what MY true strengths are. I no longer try to fit my square peg self in round holes. This third point has attracted some of the best people/friends into my life that are more like me and share my interests and have some of the same issues I struggle with. And fourth, my personality is very fluid, I evolve as a person with every life experience, every win, and loss. I am comforted by the fact that I share that trait with every person I know, ND or NT.
I don’t know if I’m masking when listening to you talk about it. It’s exactly my experience. I also had people tell me on Singstar that I wasn’t looking at the camera enough. I know at work I was a professional version of myself and didn’t talk about my true interests like singing because I thought that didn’t come across as professional, literally my list of interest on my CV are things I thought others would be interested in. I was also very careful about talking about any personal matters which people would think badly about me like the neighbourhood I grew up in etc. I don’t know how long I’ve been masking, but I don’t know if copying people is something neurotypical people do. I had the wider categories like you but also I’d make a count on my head of how many people I saw with a certain type of clothing and would try my best to fit in but I grew up poor so it was difficult. I remember watching addicted to love with Meg Ryan in and I copied her as exactly as I could. I’ve copied others too. Even when I sang it wasn’t with the tone of my natural speaking voice. Unfortunately this reinforced my tendency to mask because I had more success doing that than being myself. I think I masked at first in my emo/punk rocker stage but I feel like that’s the style I like the most. I think I have been masking lately trying to appear like an academic though. I even have two speaking voice pitches and it’s annoying I can’t just talk normally to some people. I think my lower voice must be the real one but I’m not sure. I think I’m just gonna make a mental note to myself if something I do or a piece of clothing or colour is something I like and see where that takes me. It’s hard because I’m 37 and I wanna dress like a punk rocker and wear band t-shirts but I think there’s an expectation to dress like a mom when you get older.
I hope you eventually feel comfortable wearing what you like in public. I am here cheering you on! Right now I have no clothing in my collection that fits and is my style. Something to work on I suppose.
@@nonnymoose6260 Appreciate you’re thoughts. I haven’t really got the confidence like some. I dislike going shopping too. I went this week for the first time in months and despite hating the lights there I was there for four hours aimlessly trying to find gluten free food and harissa sauce and getting stressed with noises. Although I did have a drink and a cake at Starbucks with my kids which was quiet and nice. I guess you just need to remind yourself how much you need something that’s at the shop.
Age 31 here going in for testing in a few weeks hopefully. All my children and my younger sibling all male but all diagnosed with ASD. As I struggle so much with social situations I want to rule it out.
I’m 46 and found out a few months ago that I am autistic.. letting go of all the masks is difficult...I’m able to recognize some of my masks, so I am at least making progress😅
Yeh, I only put my glasses on if I want see stuff. People are calling you out for not making eye contact etc. ? wtf. I'd like to comment more on this topic as it's important but I'm not sure I understand masking & if I did/do it & I'm out of spoons again. Please keep going with these hard topics.
Just diagnosed at the age 40+ after a big burnout. I am still at the level of digesting the news and getting overwhelmed from not realizing the obvious all those years. Now they will start medicine for anxiety and depression first, and just started therapy. My body falls apart from stress and I do not even realize I have anxiety till they tell me I have anxiety. How am I gonna understand if I am masking or not, too much work is waiting for me. I see that autistic women are very different, we do masking and seem normal. I really liked your channel, it looks genuine. Also thanks everybody for all the comments below, even my best friend does not know it yet since I left the country for a while. (I am not a native English speaker, sorry if there are typos or so)
@@WoodshedTheory Thank you for the support, It is very important to hear it. I hope at least my cognitive abilities come back soon, I left my university and country for sabbatical (to hide from all the stimuli actually) hope to be able to continue doing my job again.
It always felt uncomfortable masking I always felt like bursting out of energy and stimming whenever I'm outside but I could never because there's something holding me back and it's my masking :c I also didn't realize that my ASD masking is what brought me to depression lol now I'm learning how to love myself as the really really real me with no filter and finally accepting me. Thank you for this video :>
I saw you talking with Orion Kelley and had to find your channel. You were discussing masking so this video is the first I'm seeing if yours. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and uncertainty even three years after diagnosis. I'm looking for someone qualified to diagnose me as I inch closer to my 50th birthday. So yeah, who am I really? Who have I been? Isn't the mask me - I mean, I chose it (or them since how I present changes situationally.) I am terrified of this process, but my self-diagnosis makes so much sense of my life. I'm thinking I probably don't mask much around my husband and our kiddo - we're all in the spectrum and couldn't be more different in the way our neurodivergence expresses itself. My son's diagnosis led to my husband's and, six years later, mine. I had to figure it all out for my son but he's a tween now and more self-reliant. The IEP stuff for school is taken care of... Anyway, I can finally seriously consider this for myself - and it's both terrifying and liberating. I score autistic af on every inventory but also have ADD, depression, anxiety, and, it seems, pathological demand avoidance. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I'd at least known there was a biological reason I was so different and weird. I was diagnosed with ADD in college, which definitely helped, but this? I appreciated that you talked about how wearing your glasses helps and went back and forth on whether wearing makeup and changing out of PJs was a form of masking. I remember asking why we dressed differently for church if God was only interested in our souls. The explanation that dressing well, being clean, etc showed that we cared, that we would put effort into preparing for church and that God appreciated that. The coolest thing was that the explanation had nothing to do with what other people thought. And while my thoughts on God have changed a lot since I was six, I still dress with that mindset and it doesn't feel like a mask because it IS a very conscious and deliberate decision. (This excludes middle and high school ;) I think about what's appropriate, what shows respect, or what's best for gardening or whatever. Even when I dress for my hubby, it's because it's a way I can show him how deeply I appreciate our marriage. Isn't it amazing how some things we're told stick with us? For good or ill. Thank you so much for being real and sharing your experience. I'm especially grateful for your singing because I do that too. And it's fabulous that you're just talking about it - no Five Tips For Unmasking crud. Those can be helpful, but your video is infinitely moreso. I think seeing other autistic people being autistic is more helpful (and sometimes heartbreaking) than any polished made-for-UA-cam video. Why? Because it helps me see my own autistic traits - I thought I was weird and even evil. Even after all the research I did for my son, I still couldn't see myself - until I started seeing myself in other people. Does that make sense? Instead of looking for traits that I admire and might mimic, I'm seeing the real me in little bits and pieces in videos like this.
Claire I have an experiment for you to try in regards to The Who am I really? (Who is this person behind the mask??) 1. Get to a Target or Walmart, some place that has a toy section. 2. Find the Barbie doll section. 3. Walk up and down , observe the ballerina Barbie, veterinary Barbie ect. 4. Realize how good Barbie looks masking in all of her roles. 5. Understand that even though Barbie is a multi masking super hero doll no matter what her outfit or accessories she is always just herself. *the label on her box doesn’t change who she is 6. Pick out your favorite Barbie bring it home 7. Use Barbie as your visual que to remember to take yourself out of the box (a label can’t define you)and play life the way you like best! Also Barbie’s real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts just a fun fact (can u guess my special interests 😅) Hope this comment was enjoyable 🎤
For me as I ponder masking / my masking knowing my autism just recently I think gosh yes when the flashes of events and experiences come to me - so not seen way back then 😩 - still in a bit of grief over lost opportunity/ies ….💞🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞👊
I have only embraced autism via a self diagnosis, recently at 58, but in general people start to unmask in their 40's and women especially in their 50's. Neurotypical or not. My unmasking looks a lot like honouring my inner 5 year old. She's the part of me who defiantly says, "I don't want to!" (Hear a snarky tone) She's the part of me that will start the meltdown when i am trying to hold it in. It's being honest to others about your reality and limitations. You may want to have a response for them, but you need time to formulate your words. "I'll get back to you on that." It's admitting that you are having to be inconvenient, in order to participate in interactions because you need things a certain way in order to function. It's admitting certain people, by their very nature trigger you. I have finally, made that work for me, without having to suffer. One women who comes in part time where I work, initially caused me meltdowns. She was loud, moved fast, and gave orders. I couldn't handle it and it caused me melt downs. Luckily I have an understanding boss. The first time, it happened I did what I usually do find the smallest, most distance job and do that, but I told my boss why I had to do it. I broke down boxes and swept floors for the rest of the day. I also, and this was huge, told the other person, who is actually a very talented and upbeat person. "You are fine! It is me!" without explanation. Since people like to avoid what weirds them out, it was enough for her. Her occasional presence has triggered me a couple of times, but I make a point of interacting with her when i am not triggered, telling her, I like her work, and "It's me, not you, trust me on that." I am sure my boss has since told her I am on the spectrum. My boss knows I do not adapt to sudden changes in routine well, and gives me time to rally. I really didn't want to be working anymore, as a women in my late 50's or being neurodivergent, but this job has helped heal so many wounds from my working past. Knowing how many times neither I nor the people who had to deal with me, knew what to do with me. Another thing I learned, is I can really only socialize as a teacher or information provider, or boss. All other conversations are more difficult and I am not very good at them. Admitting your not good at something is an important part of unmasking too. Luckily my job is working in a garden centre and I have education in horticulture. In my volunteer work, I coordinate a community ceramics studio, and my other education is a BA in Visual Arts and I am professionally a ceramic artist. In both scenarios, I am quite confident and comfortable most of the time. When I do watch people, in the ceramics group for example, go into a closed conversational bubble and are having a lot of fun, I feel like an outsider, but I remind myself, it's okay. It has no bearing on me, and I actually do not enjoy that kind of thing anyways. I also accept that meltdowns will happen after situations like that. Its a release, and it's my normal. I kind of had a head start with the ASD diagnosis. (I was diagnosed with ADHD and Fibromyalgia) I started realising by my 40's people didn't like me, but a few really love me, and I am so grateful for those few. I've had one friend since we were 17. So I stopped trying to fit in, or pretend most of the time. Only my passing customers get a masked version of me, and even then, I sneal out from behind the mask and baffle them occasionally, Lol. Thank you for being vulnerable, It does get better. Facing the limitations, and welcoming them, is a great place to start. Especially if you were always told how smart you are. You can be smart and dumb at the same time. And get good at it ☺
I got a bit tired of hearing from my mom or others saying “be yourself.” When I didn’t know how to be myself. It’s not that simple. Kinda annoying that every time i expressed myself, it’s always met with the words, “be yourself.” It’s such a vague ish phrase and confusing. How do you would even expand from that? This vid does kinda helps on the how to unmask, it takes time to find what we like and don’t like, self reflecting, setting boundaries. Especially allowing ourselves to be deserving of be our own comfortable selves. I don’t know how to describe but yeah. Hope every one of us will keep finding those things that we love about ourselves within and outwardly.
I notice there are longer times in your video that your face is more bland/not as animated. I'd say that is unmasked. Do you watch yourself on the screen? Maybe if you made your videos not watching yourself except for the beginning to see that you are centered. I'd concentrate on the feeling of your face and maybe you can take that outside with you interacting with the world. Only using words, but keeping a bland face. (Im reading a book/watching a boring documentery/watching the wind in the trees face NEUTRAL/PLACID). There was a young lady with a youtube channel. And she was shiny happy animated autistic, and over time became less like that. That is my observation and what I have been doing though my assessment isnt until nov. Dont know if this was useful at all.
I used to be in choirs in my schools and a couple of gigs at my church. So I always appreciate good singing when I hear it and judging from my layman’s-as opposed to a licensed teacher’s- training, you have a very good mezzo-soprano voice. Have you considered joining a community choir? I’ve never had to do it very much myself. Though I’ve since realized that random whispering is my main stim. I know that I’ve annoyed more than one person but, like with your singing, I have to get it out or I’ll explode. Sometimes I’ll even be doing it and not be fully aware of it. It’s one of the hardest lesson I’ve learned as well. But we can never please 100% of the population no matter what we do or say or don’t do or say. Being everything to everyone is impossible. There’s this saying that goes, love yourself first and then the right people will. That is, the right people for you. 🙂
The distinction between the mask an one's true self is an interesting one. I find it particularly interesting, because as a metal musician, I've kind of been putting on a mask as we use face paint, and as a musician it has helped me boost my confidence both on and off stage. In a sense, I feel the stage persona become a super hero version of myself, where I'm all powerful. Of course, in other parts of my life, masking has held me back, subdued me. But over the last year, with much aid of psychedelic mushrooms, I've come to learn about myself on a much deeper level, and I now have a better feeling for what's "me" and what's the "mask".
Just be yourself... for the most part it meant, just accept having no friends and being bullied. I found that unmasking is about circles, and the wider the circles the more of a mask I put on. You are such a brave woman. The best place I could be me was as a leader, and then the label of weird was seen as alright, creative and strange... Thank you Claire
@@WoodshedTheory There's such a trend of telling people to be who they are, and that's wonderful. But to say that to a teen who knows that being who they are might end up in bullying and isolation can be irresponsible. We need to be clearer about what the person need, what their environment can offer, what resources are available. For those of us who were late diagnosed, it means we were goof enough in masking - which isn't all bad
@@nonnymoose6260 I was born in Jerusalem and left when I was 25 to the UK. and after I had my first daughter it felt too isolated and we returned to Israel. I'm currently writing an LGBT teen-love fantasy series full with autistic protagonists and partially based in Israel. It's not an easy place but v special
Diagnosed in late 30s, 50 now. always embraced what I liked, did my own thing and could never fit in. The few "friends" shared those interests and were talented, some successful, folks but I was their high level special interest buddy and definitely not getting invited to hang with the "cool kids". Couple ppl I was honest with either denied my diagnosis or proceeded to take advantage before walking out the door. It's all rather bleak & if one can deal with masking:do it. Being viewed as a lunatic may be preferable than "special needs" with a clear set of venerabilities laid out to exploit.
You know as I think back to when I was in my 20's I knew I was doing it. I remember there have been times I have said I was a chameleon. I could be who I had to be when needed. In my 20's I also realized I had no idea who I was. I hoped age would help but it didn't. Now I feel I am getting closer..I hope. Not diagnosed, I realized it about 3 years ago. I am almost 60. Thank you for broaching a tough topic. I've been bingeing your channel all day.
I wonder if my masking is tied to my people-pleasing as a young person. I'm looking back on my childhood now through newly diagnosed autistic eyes and there's just so much to unpack.
Thank you for sharing so openly as always ❤ First off, NEVER stop singing 😅 I sing along every time and then it sticks in my head for the rest of the day! I always believed I had a strong sense of self but my identity was always based on my special interests or the people I was surrounding myself with. I joined a group of women a few years back where we’d meditate and sing and share. There was one meeting where we were asked “who are you?”. Never have I been so stumped. Everyone answered with such ease and with pressure to dig deep and speak my truth I became very emotional as I realised I had absolutely no idea who I was. I left the group shortly after as I felt so out of place. I still don’t know who I am and it fills me with an emptiness that only my special interests can fill. But I am trying day but day to let the mask slip and become more aware of the person that’s been hidden for 34 years. I feel like an adult baby 😅❤
Hello my friend, I appreciate this so much. I am really proud of you for facing this very difficult question of who am i? I know that the answer is there and you will continue to uncover it as you go along. You're awesome!
Same. There is a lack of self identity. Its devastating. When i go in groups i can see lot of small groups forming whereas i can talk and be with any group. I dont understand how these small groups get formed. Wish i had a strong personality and identify. All the masking has dumbed me and not idea who i am now.
I'm diagnosed at 58 I and no body ever eluded to this even though I have had years of therapy.......I have thrown in my job due to my mum being ill I am now her carer and so I don't need to mask now.somone said identity crisis I think that us true finding yourself after a diagnosis is like comming home to yourself.
I understand the concept of masking and why it's supposed to affect autistic people negatively, but if you really think about it, don't most people mask in some way or other? For example, a neurotypical usually presents themselves differently in a workplace setting than they do when they are at home.
Hello Delilah, this is a great question for this topic. Yes, everyone, even NT people, are capable of masking. The difference here is of frequency and intensity. High masking ASD people will hide their true selfs in almost every social situation, in order to try and fit in, to the extent that it brings a prolonged period of anxiety. I hope this makes some sense.
Keep on singing - it is obviously part of you. Still trying to come to terms with masking, and working out how much I do it after being diagnosed on the spectrum 18 months ago at the age of 61.
I often ask myslef, what would i do as a kid? it helps me alot, to connect with my inner child. to be playfull, joyfull, without worrying about what other think about me. my inner child always shows me the true self
O I like your singing, and everybody should sing even if they're terrible, not that I'm saying your singing is bad it's fine. Another thing is purposely bad singing is also very enjoyable. I love to sing. People do tell me to stop but I don't let them get me down lol
It's that voice in head that watches my actions and tells me, that's not me or "what would a 'normal' person do?" Or "what an I doing this? I hate doing this, it's not me!"
Definitely not a strictly autistic thing bc we are all taught to be the up standing well put together polite lady, it's bullshit. Society has been so backwards and I find I was always considered rebel bc I just cannot tolerate it yet I people please in the sense I can't say no to anyone's face. Ugh
I have closets and closets of clothes, where I tried to fit in; and often failed. I'd wear the wrong thing to the wrong occasion, and sometimes see out of date clothes and thought those were right. (Petticoats anyone?) Really, now I have mostly black and grey clothes; so I don't have to think about if they match or not. And only comfortable clothes. No more bras. If I am at home, I can just look like someone who lives under a bridge. I don't care. I make a bit more effort if I have to go to the store or the doctor's office. I believe people treat you better, if you are dressed well. I don't mind being a bit odd, as usually I make people laugh. I don't really care if it is with me or at me. I think weird people like me help make the world more interesting for the boring old regulars.
I saw a girl at work and thought wow claire is so just herself grounded and self assured no pretence i feel like that is rare so now I am following sit and not pretending to be vivacious and likeable like my work colleague who is also a claire....thanks claire she has no idea how i admired her groundedness
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The autism diagnosis is simultaneously an awareness of who we are and an identity crisis.
DUDE this is so true and so heavy.
Never heard of anyone who regretted finding out.
So true .. late diagnosed 61 . And its the facing of that identity crisis which felt like it was there all my life
A relief, no???
@megc1507 sounds like the crisis of a judgemental/conservative person
I think this is such an important topic. I am in my 6th decade and still undiagnosed (officially) After many years of unconscious masking and with some degree of Alexithymia, I really struggle to have any sense of who I really am. I feel like I am just a collection of characters that I have invented to suit some particular occasion, like a closet full of old clothes. I would urge everyone on the spectrum to think often about what they actually feel & like & want, and try always to keep a hold on who you really are. It’s work, but we have to prioritize it for our own sake :)
Hi I totally agree with you. Always come back to check in with yourself on how you feel.
I could have written this myself! When I was younger, I used to think of personality as a wardrobe, too!
As a young teenager, I once said to someone that I didn’t really have my own personality but that it was made up of bits of other people’s personalities.
I relate to this so much. 60 years old, formal dx few months ago. I never really understood who i am and i need to find my lost self. I want to find me. It's all new, knowing now that not everyone has done this all their life. It would be amazing to discover a process that helps find our true selves.
I've given myself a psychedelic summer and I swear at many times I felt like I was shedding a skinsuit, peeling back layers and layers! Mostly egoic defenses protocols. I am not a doctor nor is this is an endorsement of magical mushrooms.
Please don’t stop singing! I also often find myself singing sentences, often repeating things I’ve heard, but not in public. At one point in my life, I had a diagnosis, pre-DSM-V, of Asperger’s Syndrome. It is only recently, by watching relatable videos like this, that I have begun to identify as being on the Autism Spectrum.
Hi Jeffery, Thank you for your comment. I believe that pre-dsm-V i would have also been diagnosed with Aspergers. However I am happy that we have been placed in the rest of the spectrum because it acknowledges our varies needs.
I’ve only managed to unmask in front of my daughter and any new people I meet. But with people that I knew before my diagnosis when I was masking heavily, I just can’t unmask in front of them. I actually try to avoid them because I can’t help but mask for them and I really don’t like doing that any more.
I totally get what you’re saying I used to do it too, but honestly, if you do want those people in your life they either understand or they don’t. You don’t need to hide yourself ever. My older friends have been a lot more understanding than I thought they would be, and have actually become a huge part of my community and the people I go to for help. My family is not as understanding. They think I should be beating autism out of my kids, so they definitely don’t get it for me. I just avoid them. But you chose those friends for a reason, and don’t have to keep them if they’re not going to be supportive. I hope it gets better. 😘 it’s hard for all of us but we can lean on each other while figuring it out.
Yes let's all lean on each other. Unmasking is very very personal.
Honestly, whether or not you want to, you'll likely unmask if you run out of resources to keep it up. I'm definitely not recommending that as it outright sucks. But, I've found that even before I realized that I'm outright autistic, not just with significant autistic traits, it would just start to leak out and I didn't really have any control at that stage as I'd already spent what resources I had keeping it there in normal day to day living.
I do think that it's important to remember that if you were masking substantially that it's going to be like you're completely somebody else and I'm kind of looking forward to figuring out who I am, as I'm generally masked to the point of being a completely different person.
I was finally diagnosed out of the blue at the age of 46. When I learned about masking, realized I was doing it and not only that, but that I was REALLY good at it... I'm a master... I had an existential crisis. I had serious self identify concerns... But after a conversation with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I think a lot of our concerns about masking are overblown. If you really think about it, everyone masks. Even neurotypical folks. They want to fit in to, and nobody is totally 'normal' naturally. So you pick out the traits that you think make a "good person" and emulate them. So it's not even like you're faking some stranger... You're emulating your vision of the ideal person... Which is a noble goal, and really it's how you turn yourself into a better person overall. The problem isn't the masking, the problem is that those of us that were undiagnosed as we got older, we were lacking some very important information when we developed our masks or strategies for dealing with life. So some of our habits or strategies can end up being unhealthy for those with ASD... Because we didn't know we had ASD when we started those habits. So we're in this weird position where we have the wisdom of age, but that wisdom was built on some false premises. So now, later in life, we have to reflect on some pretty basic things everyone learned in grade school/highschool, and relearn how to approach those things. As far as I'm concerned, we all mask, and we always will. It's part of life. But the way in which you mask changes depending on your world view. If you have ASD but don't realize it, you're going to create the wrong kind of mask. One that can cause you pain. Because you built it off the advice of folks who didn't have autism. Now that you know you have autism, you have to go back over some pretty rudimentary life skills, and rethink how you approach those situations with the new found knowledge that you have ASD. I used to say I hated people, they were all dumb, I didn't really want friends. But that was just a mask I'd put on to make it look like I'd chosen this fate for myself. Yes, it helped me save some pride by making it look like I was right where I wanted to be, but in reality, I really did want more friends and disposing that outward image wasn't helping the situation. Now I can just say "I have ASD, it makes socializing hard for me." I don't have to hide the fact that I tend to piss everyone off because now I know, it's not my fault, I'm not being a jerk, I really don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't have to be ashamed anymore, and now importantly, now I have new knowledge that will make dealing with that situation a lot easier. I've started going to autism meetings locally and oh my God, prior to those meetings I'd never been in a room where I felt like I belonged and was understood.
Oh I wish I could tell you how much I understand what you are going through. A few years in and I am still trying to figure it all out
@@WoodshedTheory if you ever do figure out out, let the rest of us know..🤣
Honestly, I don't think they really are. It probably does depend a bit on just how much a person has to mask, but I personally pretty much carpet bombed my entire person in order to get by. Granted, I did get a lot of positive from it as well, but I was literally just standing there yesterday looking out of somebody else's eyes due to the accompanying Alice in Wonderland Syndrome and being like, so this is what it's like to be those people in Being John Malkovich. I think they nailed the movie and I'll need to watch it again for tips.
Personally, I did think the same thing until recently when I've had to be masked for pretty much my entire waking life and I just couldn't do it. Traits started to leak out on their own and I'm starting to hear myself sound like Raymond from Rain Man the way that I used to. If you don't notice a significant difference between masked and unmasked, I'd look very closely at what's going on, because there's a decent chance that you're masking more than you realize and that you're stimming more as well.
But, who knows. People do vary in any community.
This really hit me. I'm 42 and just starting my diagnosis journey. I only learned what masking was last year and now I realise I also am very good at it, and have been doing it for probably most of my life. It messes with your head. This whole autism thing and making the connection between it and myself, it's been quite overwhelming but also, like you say, it all just makes so much sense now. My whole life just feels different. The understanding of myself.
The closest comparison I've come to is that, realizing you have ASD is like realizing that you're gay. I'm not gay, but I've talked with people that are, and when they were younger they were very confused by their own behaviors. Why didn't they like their first girlfriend like their friends said they should? Why did they get angry at "friends" for not spending enough time with them? weird stuff like that... then they realize "Oh, because I was attracted to them romantically... because I'm gay" etc... and suddenly they have to re-evaluate all these weird moments from their past with this new knowledge about themselves and suddenly those situations make a lot more sense... they can stop being angry about them. I kind of felt the same way about finding out I had autism. I had 40 years of confusing experiences that suddenly made a lot more sense. It's so much time that even now, years later, I still have new memories of some misunderstanding that I can years ago that now make a lot more sense. @@GraySmithMusic
I think for me I'm so used to how it feels to mask that I now think that when I search for my "authentic self" I approach it like looking for a mask that feels more "me". But I think the key is to truly take off the mask. It should feel like nothing. It's not "trying to act more genuine" it's actually not trying to be anything. I just think many of us have masked for so long we don't know and can barely conceive of what that would feel like. It's like if you've never had to get naked to change clothes, you could just "poof" be wearing a different outfit. All our lives we've poofed into the outfit we think will fit the situation. Even when we're by ourselves we still have some kind of outfit on. So we don't really know what it's like to be naked. And to the extent we can picture it a little it sounds super scary and vulnerable and like everyone will judge us. But that's what I picture needing to do (metaphorically, not literally going out naked in public!). Yeah. Hope that makes sense!
i think this is a great way to look at it
I love this!!!! TY TY TY
The hardest part I think for unmasking is imposter syndrome which I experience alot. 😕 and I think alot of people experiences are similar.
Imposter Syndrome is so real. Actually when I was at the University of Cambridge they had a whole lecture on it with new students so it must be very real.
Another important thing to think about when we're talking about masking is that I think we often do it to try and please other people. I think that right there is the entire reason why I do it and why I didn't think of it as "masking' -- it was just trying to be "agreeable" in my mind. And it's hard to get out of that mentality and start thinking things like, "What would I be doing right now if I didn't have to please everybody else?" Would I be silent instead of making small talk? (YES). Would I be looking somewhere else instead of making eye contact? (YES). Lately, I've been avoiding eye contact altogether and it's been very freeing. It's helpful to shift into that mindset where I start to consider, what do I really want to do in X situation.
But it's hard because non-autistic people think that looking them in the eye and talking to them is how you show that you like them. And it's like, if you are an agreeable person, it's very distressing to think that someone might not like you, especially when it's not at all the case.
It is a super tough question, and it was also a great video on the subject.
Thank you SueAnne for saying this. Sometimes with these tough topics I feel very unsure. A lot of youtube videos on autism make it seem so clear (five steps to...) and even I have some videos like that but sometimes things aren't black and white.
I like that. "What would I be doing....?"
I agree with everything you said. At 48 I just really started accepting myself and the fact that not everyone will like me. A great support system is also helpful to let go of masking.
What a great comment. I also feel the same in regards to being a people pleaser and being agreeable. I have had severe worry in the past if people don't like me which makes me mask even more intensely which in turn burns me out or causes a disruption in an important relationship, unfortunately. I'm only learning now, this year, that it is totally OK for others not to like me, that I can actually suit myself and my needs (my need to be alone to reset) and the world actually does not fall down, because ultimately NT people do not care an iota about me.
I've never felt like any of this masking/unmasking made sense until I read your comment, thank you so much. Being agreeable is exactly how it feels. Asking myself what I would rather be doing is maybe the way I begin learning how to unmask. Thank you so much!
Lol. I can’t stop singing your intro either! Every time I hear ANY creator say “like and subscribe”, I INSTANTLY sing out loud “hit the subscribe button, ring the bell” Woodshed Theory Style. It drives my teenage daughter crazy, but I can’t stop either 😂💕😊
+{UCMdBKUMn6TsS13zNV2XZ8TQ} *As an autist with a special interest in music, I brainstorm harmonies as a suitable song reaches the ear.* One current project o' mine is expanding on the Avalon original, which hinted at a third chorus, on:
*TESTIFY TO LOVE ( 3x Vocals / àux Avalon x Cimorelli x Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir ) / Originally intended for OMS JAPANESE CHRISTIAN CHURCH*
( Paul Field / Hendrik Henk Pool II / Ralf van Manen / Robert T. Riekerk ) Windswept Pacific Music Ltd., MCPS-PRS / Universal MCA Music Netherlands BV, BIEM
although I'm now handicapped recording what in choral terminology are the highest parts o' the proposed score.
Woodshed theory ... driving teens crazy since 2021
@@BCSchmerker Beautiful 🎶
I agree Claire, it is very difficult to remove the mask because it is difficult to know what is masking and not. I find if I feel I am forcing myself to be a certain way or say something in a specific way, then I am masking. When I am not masking, it feel more effortless. But also, some things are so ingrained, over time, that it becomes natural even when it really isn't. I am sure you get what I mean. ;) Either way. You can only controll your own opinion of yourself, not of everyone around you. 😘
That is very true, the older I get the less I care about the what others think of me. I used to care so much and obsess over it because I wanted to fit in. Now I am ok with doing my own thing.
@@WoodshedTheory Hi Claire, I just stumbled upon Paul's video on the step by step proccess to unmasking, in a safe way. I thought you might find it really interesting. :) ua-cam.com/video/bA4gy2MTyxg/v-deo.html
For me unmasking is happening by layers; 5 years since my diagnosis and I'm getting closer to being the real me. Masking has caused so much mental and emotional trauma and a compete identity crisis. The fog is lifting more and more each day and for that I am thankful. Is it hard work, absolutely but so much better than the alternative. I still struggle with figuring out how I'm feeling or articulating how I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing this topic and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us. 💜
Thank you for always supporting me!
I love your intro. Keep singing and being your fab and wonderful self. If you do things that others find annoying, that's on them, it is their problem not yours. I love your videos and your honesty. The more I read and watch stories and experiences of how autism presents in women, the more I believe that the reason I am the way I am is because I am autistic. It all makes sence with how i have and do experience the world, and have done for the past 47 years.
Hi Mel, thank you for sharing your experience. You are very welcome here.
This video helped me a lot more than one of those "3 ways to unmask" videos would have. Just being honest and real is so powerful. Isn't that what unmasking is? You are showing us that. It's beautiful, by the way.
Thank you Dana that is so encouraging. Yes, I guess for some stuff I don't have a solution, just thoughts.
Thank you for this. I was just diagnosed last week and I am feeling overwhelmed emotionally. A lot of what you said really resonates. Also thank you for showing me an example of how to respond when someone says to stop singing. I do that too and have gotten those kind of reactions and it just knocks me down. I love your opening and get it stuck in my head all the time. ❤ thank you for showing me that it’s not like a quick thing. I’ve been feeling like I should be able to just drop it, but like you said, I don’t have a good grasp on who I am right now. Big journey ahead I guess 😅 always love your videos! ❤
Thank you for your thoughts Taylor. I totally relate to feeling overwhelmed by the diagnosis. I remember not knowing how to process and crying a lot. You are very welcome here. Keep singing!
Sorry, but I couldnt watch through to the end. i appreciate you talking about this, but it just brings up too many bad memories of school. By the end I had given up and started deliberatly trying to push everyone away. It was easier to be the weirdo that nobody liked. Dealing with the isolation and lonelyness was somehow easier than the constant stress of trying to fit in.
Hi Joseph, I completely understand, no need to be sorry. This is a very heavy topic that brings up a lot of internalized trauma.
Makeup has always been a physical part of my mask when going out in the "real world". It's my warpaint. Great video Claire! ❤️
So Interesting. I am only recently (past few years) okay with going out looking however. When I was younger I would never leave the house without it.
@@nonnymoose6260 I cannot seem to speak the language of clothing and make up, no matter how hard I try! It's like, I can't decide on one style... style ADD?? And I can't really picture myself accurately. Nothing turns out looking the way I thought it would. Also, if I don't know myself, how do I know what I want to look like? Help! Lol...
@@nonnymoose6260 ...The struggle is real!
Yes!!!!
I don't really do makeup, as a teen I would wear eye liner and mascara and I still have them around but rarely bother with it. I think it is maybe seen as a bit odd to not wear any makeup at my age, I'm only 33, seems like most women my age do wear it. But I think I know what you're saying about war paint, mine is jewellery. Some necklaces are defensive like my snake necklace helps make me feel strong and I have a moonstone necklace that makes me elegant and different stuff like that
FINALLYYYY someone who relates to not fitting into any social group. I hate categorizing and compartmentalizing people bc I know everyone is unique but I always feel like everyone I meet always fits into about 10 different subcategories I've created in my head and I don't fit into any of them, I don't want to say I'm "not like everyone else" but gosh it really FEELS like I am not! Almost everyone reminds me of someone else. I admire the most the people who I've never "seen" before in anyone else, people who feel truly original to me.
I fit no where - except the indent in my mattress lol
+WoodshedTheory *Masking is inherent to females, thus the medical profession misdiagnosing despite the obvious sensory issues.* More female-specific studies need undertaking..
Totally agree.
I also use my glasses as a barrier
That is interesting! I also will take mine off in public if i need a sensory break lol
So refreshing you are! First, I think it's 100% right on track for you to not know exactly who you are right now. I am in the same boat. I am only 1.5 years into diagnosis and I had 33 years of masking and trying to prove I knew who I was & impress everyone... so of course it takes a significant amount of time to untangle all that and re-examine the self to figure out what you really like now. I will say I think you are super unmaksed in your porch coffee videos and I adore those! I feel like I can really see who you are and I think she's awesome. Also, a big part of unmasking for me has been accepting that some people will always be annoyed by me, won't like me, won't get me etc. Because all of my masking was to fit in and be liked, I am finding this part to be the hardest to be ok with and feel safe with. It just takes a lot of time and practice and reminding myself that I like me, I am ok exactly how I am and if people don't jive with me, that's ok, those are not my people... there are soooo many freaking people and I can only interact so much anyway, so why am I trying to get everyone to like me? its exhausting. I also think it's important to remember that we all change as we age and go through different phases in life so checking in with yourself and making sure you are doing things because they make you happy is a life long process and it's worth it. I am just trying to be extra nice to myself these days and be ok with whatever parts of me that show up. trusting myself finally instead of looking to others to validate my existence & experiences is my hard work right now. I think it's natural for unmasking to take time and experimenting to see what feels good and what doesn't won't happen overnight or just because you read a few books, ya know. And also remembering that every autistic person is different, so our unmasking paths will all look a little different too. p.s. I put on glasses when I need a little extra buffer too
Love that you mentioned Claire in Porch Coffee. I totally agree!! Under the snuggles of the blanket and behind the mug of coffee we definitely get to see your beautiful personality ❤
You all are too sweet to me. Thank you Izzy for validating my experience. I am glad we have each other to work through this.
@@WoodshedTheory thank you Claire! Your channel has been a real comfort to me, I really appreciate you
Unmasking after a late diagnosis of autism... That has become my new focus now, shifting from struggle with imposter syndrome. So far what works for me is remembering to forgive myself for all those times I misunderstood myself and was hard on myself. Also to remind myself everyday that I do belong, in my own way and in my own space, and that I AM OKAY. Now trying to figure out what "Just be yourself" means, how to be me without mimicking
here are lyrics to a song I wrote called "Just Be Yourself". People always act like those are magic words that make life simple and everyone love you. But as soon as they tell you to just be yourself, they add a few things you need to change/tweak to make you a little better. I thought I was me already. Yo ho, yo ho...it's a parrots life for me
Just Be Yourself
by Mike Finelli
I am looking at a xerox copy of a framed photo of a parrot puppet in a mirror
that you gave me, to tell me, 'cause words failed, to stop being you
the echo hurts your ears and it's nothing new
So I'm not sure, what to do now, but make a copy, and hand it back to you
so when you look at it, you can see I'm still confused
All my life I've been told to be myself
and they'll like you
and she'll want you
just to stay true
oh just to be you
But I'm not sure that we've been introduced.
Me, this is I
I, meet Me
Has anyone seen myself?
We'd love to meet who I'm supposed to be
so I can tell Myself I was told to not be Me
That I is a scared impostor
You're who I already thinks everyone sees
Just be yourself
But change all of these things
Just be yourself
But a little more like me
You choose each moment
Simply decide to choose to be
Just be yourself
But don't swim in your sea
You're too passive
way too aggressive
Dummy can't you land somewhere between?!
You try too hard
and you think too much
if you tried thinkin once you'd know just what I mean
Now go be yourself
And you'll be worry free
Oh, it's not working
then change the you you bring
But be yourself
only with less and more of every single thing
Can't wait to tell Myself
when I find Myself
Until then, Yo Ho!, Yo Ho!
it's a parrot's life for me
it's a parrot's life for me
another me to try to be
another mask for you to see
it's a parrot's life for me
it's a parrot's life for me
it's a parrot's life for me
it's a parrot's life for me
Hello Claire. And as an Autistic male on the Autism spectrum. I try to mask. But it never works out for me. The slightest sound like a police car causes me to have a meltdown out in public. Or like if if I have to go the doctor having a doctor touch me causes me to have a meltdown. I am very easily set-off buy sounds or people I don't know touching me. And I cry very easily. I used to try and hide my Autism from everyone. but when I have a meltdown so easily I figure it is not even worth trying to hide who I am.
You’re doing perfect James. There’s nothing wrong with meltdowns. We are processing too much information at once. Empathy from others is what we need, not to try and hide ourselves. I meltdown at the grocery store, and so do my children. Groceries aren’t avoidable and if people judge us, oh well.
Hi James, Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand that it isn't possible for everyone to mask their autism. I think I read it is more prevalent that females do this, but I am not sure if that is true. In any case, thank you for being you!
@@WoodshedTheory your welcome Claire. And yes I have tried to mask as an Autistic male. I have tried to fit in with everyone else. But I don't understand social cues. I have tried to watch what everyone else is doing. And your very welcome Claire.
@@JAMESGREGORYKULP1985 Thanks James
@@WoodshedTheory your welcome Claire.
I found this channel through Orion. So glad he gave this channel a shout out. I am also a late-diagnosed female on the autism spectrum. This was such a wonderful, helpful video!
I'm so glad you found me through Orion, he is an awesome person! You are very welcome here
Hey Claire, another excellent video for what seems to be a particularly personal topic for members of the community. Regarding "masking for videos", I think that people may confuse masking with acting (or are perhaps more critical) - why would you not want to create a well produced video for your community? However, I love the charm of Porch Coffee and the intent of that forum.
Personally, having received a diagnosis much later than you, I still find the mask useful for both myself and those around me. That being said, my masking process was always accompanied by an attempt to predetermine every possible question and answer for an impending social interaction (doctor visit, working with clients, friends, etc). Having subsequently been told that this is not "normal", I gave myself permission to drop this behaviour and I am considerably less exhausted at the end of a day. Yay for incremental improvement!
With regards to collapsing at the end of the day, Orion Kelly has an excellent "Coke Bottle for Autistic Adults" video that explains this behaviour really well.
Hi Andrew, 1. I am so proud of you for taking steps to be more of yourself. 2. Orion is an amazing person and I'm so happy you watch his videos. Did you know we did a colab?
@@WoodshedTheory Yes, I checked out his channel after your colab - great work getting that done!
Masking is a bit like method acting. Except that the project lasts for decades and doesn't get you residuals. But, for me, there are a couple levels, a bunch of it is trained behaviors that really need to be untrained as they are probably causing a great deal of damage to my sense of self. Others are on a more conscious level where I'm choosing to do things that make no sense or laugh at things I don't think are funny in order to get to stop interacting.
Great video, Claire! Never stop being yourself, no matter what anyone says.
I have spent my life confused about who I am because I would mask so much. I would always come home after hanging out with people and think “who was that, that wasn’t me, why can’t I just be myself?!.” I was always exhausted. I remember any time I would be myself people would say “why are you acting like that? YOU’RE SO WEIRD!!!”. I remember how much that hurt but I wanted to fit in so I would just go back to pretending to be like everyone else.
A diagnosis has helped me to get some answers and I am more secure in who I am than I have ever been. I still struggle and I still mask but I also allow myself to leave places when it’s too much for me.
HI Michele, your words really resonate with me. I have felt like this in my life. Even before going out when I was younger I was so nervous that I wasn't prepared enough with my mask.
What a great video and a difficult topic. I have seen so many autistic people say that you have to take off the mask and for me, I think that’s a bit drastic. I was late diagnosed as well, so have spent most of my life masking. Like you, I’m finding out who I truly am, little by little and I feel comfortable unmasking for the most part…but it’s with people whom I’ve always felt comfortable with….other people, I mask for small periods of time so I don’t feel drained. I have to admit that during lockdown I felt the most peaceful I have in a long time. Why? Because I was hanging out with my husband, who loves me just as I am and having FaceTime calls with my kids, one of whom is Autistic and the other one, just a beautiful person who loves me unconditionally. I do have FOGO( fear of going out) more than I used to but having that time being around these three people, loving me as I am has taught me and allowed me to feel more comfortable and confident being the true me.
Wow, I am happy you mentioned about feeling more at peace during quarantine. For the first time I felt I had a moment to breath and be comfortable. I don't think I will ever go back totally to the way things were.
@@WoodshedTheory Definetly!
One more comment for the algorithm lol I like to do things in threes 😅😊
thanks, thanks, thanks :)
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's what I go through any time I let myself be introspective, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. (Though I wish that nobody had to go through it... not knowing who you are is really hard!)
I am happy to have you here, you aren't alone
It is a very important topic, thank you so much for addressing it! I'm late diagnosis as well (at 36 I think). Sometimes for me unmasking is becoming aware of not-doing something that I would like to do, checking in with the why ("because one does not do that" "because the other people might think..") and then giving myself allowance to do it anyway. That can be asking an awkward question, or fidgeting, or makind myself more comfortable, or.. But that is still not "all unmasked", of course... and not always an option. But becoming aware and making it a conscious decision does help, I feel.
Yes knowing makes all of the difference for me
I like that painting behind you. I'm a big chess fan, looks like the board got blown up. Singing is fun.
I mask and it's exhausting. But, I don't know how to unmask because I do it automatically and have been for a long, long time. The depressing part is that usually for me masking doesn't exactly work. I'm still feel odd, awkward, and separate. I've stopped trying so hard to fit in so I guess maybe that's unmasking. Your video helps me to not feel alone in this. Thank you!
Listening to you in this video… I now realize I have been masking. However I never realized that I was. I too when feeling fully “me”… have been called odd, weird, too much, intense etc.
this was super helpful!
Thanks for sharing!!
I'm 53, and have learned recently I am on the spectrum. It's been quite an astonishing revelation to learn that everyone doesn't have different personalities they'd put on for different situations. I just assumed everyone did that! I never discussed what I now know is called masking with others, because I thought it was the way everyone just coped with different social and work situations to make other people comfortable and to seem like a likeable person. It's interesting to me that I've always been aware that some of my 'personalities' (masks) are more exhausting than others to put on, but I never knew it wasn't the same for most people. I just figured it was something people didn't discuss because it's not polite (or something?) to talk about how you're suppressing most of what you really think and feel.
Wow we sound like we’ve had a very similar experience! I never considered that I was experiencing life differently than others
Yeah, I feel that! It is no wonder that I was misdiagnosed with a personality disorder before my autism diagnoses. We take on this persona that gets us through life, depending on the situation. How do we undo that? What I have done is tried much less hard to “fit in.” Eye contact is not something that I force anymore. I am now okay with spending more time alone and/or at home. But it is so hard to simply “unmask.” I don’t know if I will ever fully know what it means or how to fully accomplish that 🤷🏻♀️
Oh yeah, I had the weird and nerd labels, from a very early age. I tried to fit in, but I never tried very hard.
Hi Leila, I think that is a great way to look at it - try less to fit in, try more to enjoy yourself and your interests.
I just realized that I had autism last week. This week has been very tough because now I’m hyper aware of my masking. It’s sort of kept me from doing it because now I’m thinking about it too much. I want to interact with people and need to for my job and not masking for the last week has been making this very difficult.
That sounds so heavy! Just know you aren’t alone and remember to give yourself grace
Happend to me aswell...thanks a lot for sharing. I feel how irritated people are if I dont mask, and that hurts a lot.
I would sorely miss the gingle.
hehehehe
I am just slowly gaining courage to stim a little at work,, clap or whistle when i feel i need to do it,, having "t-rex" hands feels so natural :) ... seems to be a process which needs its time. I also think that do what body tells you to do is great first advice
I am happy for you - I wonder if I get a job outside the house again if i would feel comfortable - in my office job i would always sit weird in my chair cause that is what felt good and i know people found it strange
I love your singing and I sing along with you! Never stop!! 😊
I promise to not stop :)
"Stop singing" XD
That's honestly one of my favorite things about your videos. Please keep doing it :D
Agree!
100%!
OHHHH I CAN'T STOPPPP SINGINGGGGGG
Love your glasses! ❤
Thanks! I need them to drive etc.
My first thought is to continue to seek an environment of accepting people who can understand and accept who you truly are.
Either that or do what you do, which is to insulate. Lol
i love insulating lol
Last month I was utterly confused about masking, when my roommate brought it up about my autism. So I've been watching several videos about it. So this video is very helpful. I think my true self is the person who likes to wear makeup, I've always really love makeup and hair. A lot of people I know always try to get me to have a bare face, and be natural.. but I like crazy eyeshadow colors, and once again people say I'm masking, because I'm too old to look "weird". But I am weird, and I embrace it. So having said that, that is me not masking. Masking for me is not coloring my face and hair. To me I'm a canvas I like to paint on.
I am also a makeup wearer
Hi Claire, this video is so precious and I appreciate the fact there aren't quick and simple answers. Unmasking isn't so easy, so thank you. I'm still masking because it's dangerous doing otherwise. My legal recognition is still far away, but something is finally moving. I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I want to thank you for your mission and compassion.
Hi Pass, please don't talk down about yourself. You have always been an amazing support to my channel and I really appreciate you. I am happy to hear that your legal recognition is moving along.
@@WoodshedTheory I'm touched.
I'm not diagnosed, but I know I have traits and I know I mask. My mother is schizophrenic, so as a child I learnt to wear a mask both outside and at home, because if I didn't act normal maybe they would think I was ill like mum. At 14 my dad told me he wasn't worried about me any more as I was too much like his side of the family (this is a man who has spent 70 years obsessing about steam trains and has since had a grandchild diagnosed autistic - my brother's son - I have some suspicions!). His comment told me I was right to have hidden myself away but I remember thinking at the time he doesn't know me, so maybe he's wrong. I'd just been showing him what he wanted to see. Now at 30 something I still have no idea who I am - I still mask for friends and family. Since learning about autism I recognise myself in a lot of what I hear, but felt there was still something wrong because I don't know myself. Sorry for all the background, but I wanted to explain why it's so reassuring to learn that unmasking is a long process and I'm not alone - and maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Thank you! Don't stop singing unless you want to stop singing, you do you xx
Autism shared symptoms with other disorders so my suggestion is to continue to research and try to get a professional opinion if possible. I am happy to have you here
When I was outspoken in work as a newly diagnosed autistic, I was told I was too much. So back to putting on the mask for me
It’s not that you are ‘too much’. It’s that the people at work are ‘not enough’! 😉 I hope things get better for you ✌️💕
Fuk that. Take it off! You are never too much, they just aren’t enough for you. Dulling our sparkle doesn’t help you. You deserve to be yourself. If they think it’s “too much” THEY can “suck it up”. You’ve spent your entire life hiding, and don’t deserve to be punishing yourself for others to be comfortable. How long has that hurt you for? I’m on year thirty lol. And I’m done hiding who I really am. The ones who deserve ME will find me and love me.
Hi Everyone, I really understand how Misha feels. Sometimes it doesn't feel right to unmask, other times it does. It gets really confusing and sometimes scary.
@@WoodshedTheory yes it does. You are correct. I should have thought about that. It is not always safe to do so. I hate that we have to, but sometimes we do have to.
@@d.h.4778 Hi DH, please don't worry - this is a safe place to chat!
💕I love your singing 😍🎶
🎼 thank you 🎵
🤗 proud of you, stay strong 💪
thanks i love singing
wow, those glasses be popping on claire
Thanks my friend!
I think in society its not okay to show your true self, even if they say it. There are social rules. Only the authenticity that people with autism can show is appreciated only under specific circumstances. Besides this, I think you never know fully yourself. It's a life journey and your values could change over your life.
You sing beautiful, but I don't like it in this way (in a talk video). If you make a singing clip it would be the perfect way😉 But I still think you have to make the video's in the way you want it, because it's your content. If people don't like it, they must not watch it. That's their choice. And if you want to satisify your followers or get many more followers than it's smart to take thr opinion of the 'average follower' into account, but if only 1 person says stop singing, you should not change anything.
thanks for your thoughts and support!
I don't like the bit where you sing (lovely voice, think I just like to get to the video!), so I just mute it for 45 secs. Please keep singing!
Well I love your honesty - I don't mind you skipping that bit at all.
I can relate to everything you are saying.
I struggle with feelings of meaninglessness. Jumping from persona to persona, imitating and all that - that comes very naturally now after so many years of training. But which requires a lot of energy.
What is really the outermost goal in general for an autistic person - stripped of all that masking?
If neurotypical works toward for example building a career, togetherness, a family, dog and a house etc. What is the autistic equivalent of this?
Or do we all strive, in general, to fill our life’s with the same types of things and that the same notions give life meaning? Neurotypicals as well as a neurodivergent.
I wish I had better answers for you as I try to figure it all out myself. I think the important thing is that we get to build the life we want, not what we think others want.
I haven't finished the video but I love the singing! I sing it to myself sometimes since words will cause sayings/songs to pop into my head lol. My coworker watches you too and we sing it together sometimes! 😂 Both of us love it. 💜
Ahh that is so sweet. You are probably the only coworkers in the world that watch me. I love that. I usually have music playing in my head - but the medication helps a lot. Not that it is a bad thing it just makes it hard to focus.
WE ARE THE SAME. I CANT STOP SINGING EITHER. SO MANY REQUESTS. CANNOT OBLIGE. I'm so happy I found you
yay twins!
I just wanted to say don't listen to anybody who tells you to stop singing I thought it was silly and it made me laugh a little 😆 besides it's about you being you and I love to see people being authentic with themselves. Self love is the most important love.
thanks i wont stop singing
I love the singing! It’s so catchy. It’s super inviting and unique to you. It’s also consistent which I love. This is your channel! Your channel, your rules. 😊
Thank you Akima, it get's me in the mood to start talking.
I was only diagnosed a couple of weeks before Christmas (I'm now 52) and have done a lot of reflecting. I remember growing up trying to do what the other kids did but because I didn't really understand how, I was always called out for being a try hard and strange amongst other names. I was a problem child, I didn't know how to act socially, my processing delay caused a lot of issues and when I would get home things would get worse as I literally unraveled as you put it. Even as an adult I never really knew how to be accepted. Even when I tried my hardest to appear normal, there were always people who picked on me and I never knew why until now. I was taught about my attitude as an adult and how I needed to change it in order to keep my job. My leader was very kind and taught me so much for which I am very grateful, but this was really the mask that I have been wearing for the past 5 or 6 years. Now having been diagnosed, I don't want to put the mask back on, but at work, you're expected to behave in a certain manner despite their claim to support diversity, they don't really. I'm now trying to work out who I really am, I suspect I am only the combination of a bunch of hyper obsessions but not much more. My eldest who is autistic does not mask at all, she's 17. She is apraxic which means everything that is in her head comes out of her mouth completely unfiltered. We are trying to teach her to try to filter what she says, but don't necessarily want her to mask either. We don't know what to do there. if anyone has any advise, it would be very welcome. love your videos Clare.
Thank you for sharing.
"despite their claim to support diversity, they don't really" They only support diversity when its beneficial to their bottom line. And even then, as a token gesture. Disney now role plays as an LGBTQ champion, when Disney is the company who would openly fire gay people in the past when it was socially accepted to do so.
First of all....KEEP SINGING. Second, unmasking for me is an ever-evolving act. Got my DX at 36 so I spent almost 40 years, my entire life, masking unconsciously. Sometimes I still don't know the difference between my true self and masking. Since my dx, I just try to ask myself one question... Am I doing this because I WANT to, or am I doing this because I feel "they" want me to, or expect it? Third, since my dx, I have given myself full permission to be "myself" because now I know what crowd I fit in with and what MY true strengths are. I no longer try to fit my square peg self in round holes. This third point has attracted some of the best people/friends into my life that are more like me and share my interests and have some of the same issues I struggle with. And fourth, my personality is very fluid, I evolve as a person with every life experience, every win, and loss. I am comforted by the fact that I share that trait with every person I know, ND or NT.
I won't stop!
I agree with the person who told you to stop singing its terrible and annoying
thanks for the input! lol
I don’t know if I’m masking when listening to you talk about it. It’s exactly my experience. I also had people tell me on Singstar that I wasn’t looking at the camera enough.
I know at work I was a professional version of myself and didn’t talk about my true interests like singing because I thought that didn’t come across as professional, literally my list of interest on my CV are things I thought others would be interested in. I was also very careful about talking about any personal matters which people would think badly about me like the neighbourhood I grew up in etc.
I don’t know how long I’ve been masking, but I don’t know if copying people is something neurotypical people do. I had the wider categories like you but also I’d make a count on my head of how many people I saw with a certain type of clothing and would try my best to fit in but I grew up poor so it was difficult.
I remember watching addicted to love with Meg Ryan in and I copied her as exactly as I could. I’ve copied others too. Even when I sang it wasn’t with the tone of my natural speaking voice. Unfortunately this reinforced my tendency to mask because I had more success doing that than being myself. I think I masked at first in my emo/punk rocker stage but I feel like that’s the style I like the most. I think I have been masking lately trying to appear like an academic though.
I even have two speaking voice pitches and it’s annoying I can’t just talk normally to some people. I think my lower voice must be the real one but I’m not sure.
I think I’m just gonna make a mental note to myself if something I do or a piece of clothing or colour is something I like and see where that takes me. It’s hard because I’m 37 and I wanna dress like a punk rocker and wear band t-shirts but I think there’s an expectation to dress like a mom when you get older.
I hope you eventually feel comfortable wearing what you like in public. I am here cheering you on! Right now I have no clothing in my collection that fits and is my style. Something to work on I suppose.
@@WoodshedTheory You are lucky though. You have so many skills to make any style of clothing you like.
@@originalvonster Thank you for saying that! i really want to sew my own clothes - a little nervous to start.
@@WoodshedTheory Go for it. Nobody is born with information, you gotta hone your craft.
@@nonnymoose6260 Appreciate you’re thoughts. I haven’t really got the confidence like some. I dislike going shopping too. I went this week for the first time in months and despite hating the lights there I was there for four hours aimlessly trying to find gluten free food and harissa sauce and getting stressed with noises. Although I did have a drink and a cake at Starbucks with my kids which was quiet and nice. I guess you just need to remind yourself how much you need something that’s at the shop.
Age 31 here going in for testing in a few weeks hopefully. All my children and my younger sibling all male but all diagnosed with ASD. As I struggle so much with social situations I want to rule it out.
Good luck with your testing I know it can be nerve-wracking
@@WoodshedTheory thanks I think the hardest part of the journey so far is trying to figure out who me really is.
Don't stop singing please!
I won’t
I’m 46 and found out a few months ago that I am autistic.. letting go of all the masks is difficult...I’m able to recognize some of my masks, so I am at least making progress😅
Nikki thank you for supporting my channel :)
Yeh, I only put my glasses on if I want see stuff.
People are calling you out for not making eye contact etc. ? wtf.
I'd like to comment more on this topic as it's important but I'm not sure I understand masking & if I did/do it & I'm out of spoons again.
Please keep going with these hard topics.
Thank you for giving me a teaspoon :) also, i'm open to ideas on what you consider tough topics
@@WoodshedTheory I'll have a think.
Just diagnosed at the age 40+ after a big burnout. I am still at the level of digesting the news and getting overwhelmed from not realizing the obvious all those years. Now they will start medicine for anxiety and depression first, and just started therapy. My body falls apart from stress and I do not even realize I have anxiety till they tell me I have anxiety. How am I gonna understand if I am masking or not, too much work is waiting for me. I see that autistic women are very different, we do masking and seem normal. I really liked your channel, it looks genuine. Also thanks everybody for all the comments below, even my best friend does not know it yet since I left the country for a while. (I am not a native English speaker, sorry if there are typos or so)
Your English is great! I am sure you must be going through a hard time right now we are here for you
@@WoodshedTheory Thank you for the support, It is very important to hear it. I hope at least my cognitive abilities come back soon, I left my university and country for sabbatical (to hide from all the stimuli actually) hope to be able to continue doing my job again.
having a nervous breakdown 6 years ago helped me drop my mask. I've had 2 spiritual deaths since then....
sorry you've had a rough go at it - i hope you are feeling better
Just saw this video. Luv it! 🦄💓💯. Found you through Orion's U Tube Chanel. I really like your videos alot. 😊
Awesome! Thank you! You are very welcome here
It always felt uncomfortable masking I always felt like bursting out of energy and stimming whenever I'm outside but I could never because there's something holding me back and it's my masking :c
I also didn't realize that my ASD masking is what brought me to depression lol now I'm learning how to love myself as the really really real me with no filter and finally accepting me.
Thank you for this video :>
I dont think. many of us realized the depression that was being caused by the constant masking - you arent alone
♥️
thank you white cat garden for your support
I saw you talking with Orion Kelley and had to find your channel. You were discussing masking so this video is the first I'm seeing if yours. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and uncertainty even three years after diagnosis. I'm looking for someone qualified to diagnose me as I inch closer to my 50th birthday. So yeah, who am I really? Who have I been? Isn't the mask me - I mean, I chose it (or them since how I present changes situationally.) I am terrified of this process, but my self-diagnosis makes so much sense of my life. I'm thinking I probably don't mask much around my husband and our kiddo - we're all in the spectrum and couldn't be more different in the way our neurodivergence expresses itself. My son's diagnosis led to my husband's and, six years later, mine. I had to figure it all out for my son but he's a tween now and more self-reliant. The IEP stuff for school is taken care of... Anyway, I can finally seriously consider this for myself - and it's both terrifying and liberating. I score autistic af on every inventory but also have ADD, depression, anxiety, and, it seems, pathological demand avoidance. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I'd at least known there was a biological reason I was so different and weird. I was diagnosed with ADD in college, which definitely helped, but this?
I appreciated that you talked about how wearing your glasses helps and went back and forth on whether wearing makeup and changing out of PJs was a form of masking. I remember asking why we dressed differently for church if God was only interested in our souls. The explanation that dressing well, being clean, etc showed that we cared, that we would put effort into preparing for church and that God appreciated that. The coolest thing was that the explanation had nothing to do with what other people thought. And while my thoughts on God have changed a lot since I was six, I still dress with that mindset and it doesn't feel like a mask because it IS a very conscious and deliberate decision. (This excludes middle and high school ;) I think about what's appropriate, what shows respect, or what's best for gardening or whatever. Even when I dress for my hubby, it's because it's a way I can show him how deeply I appreciate our marriage. Isn't it amazing how some things we're told stick with us? For good or ill.
Thank you so much for being real and sharing your experience. I'm especially grateful for your singing because I do that too. And it's fabulous that you're just talking about it - no Five Tips For Unmasking crud. Those can be helpful, but your video is infinitely moreso. I think seeing other autistic people being autistic is more helpful (and sometimes heartbreaking) than any polished made-for-UA-cam video. Why? Because it helps me see my own autistic traits - I thought I was weird and even evil. Even after all the research I did for my son, I still couldn't see myself - until I started seeing myself in other people. Does that make sense? Instead of looking for traits that I admire and might mimic, I'm seeing the real me in little bits and pieces in videos like this.
You do makes sense! Thanks for the support
Claire I have an experiment for you to try in regards to The Who am I really?
(Who is this person behind the mask??)
1. Get to a Target or Walmart, some place that has a toy section.
2. Find the Barbie doll section.
3. Walk up and down , observe the ballerina Barbie, veterinary Barbie ect.
4. Realize how good Barbie looks masking in all of her roles.
5. Understand that even though Barbie is a multi masking super hero doll no matter what her outfit or accessories she is always just herself.
*the label on her box doesn’t change who she is
6. Pick out your favorite Barbie bring it home
7. Use Barbie as your visual que to remember to take yourself out of the box (a label can’t define you)and play life the way you like best!
Also Barbie’s real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts just a fun fact (can u guess my special interests 😅)
Hope this comment was enjoyable 🎤
this is such a good idea thank you!
For me as I ponder masking / my masking knowing my autism just recently I think gosh yes when the flashes of events and experiences come to me - so not seen way back then 😩 - still in a bit of grief over lost opportunity/ies ….💞🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞👊
i get it
I am a professional singer and autistic...You are fully allowed to keep on singing...
Thanks what a cool profession!
I was diagnosed at 46. I’m not sure I know how to unmask. For me, socializing is just very tiring, whether I feel like I’m masking or not. 😕
I get it.
I have only embraced autism via a self diagnosis, recently at 58, but in general people start to unmask in their 40's and women especially in their 50's. Neurotypical or not. My unmasking looks a lot like honouring my inner 5 year old. She's the part of me who defiantly says, "I don't want to!" (Hear a snarky tone) She's the part of me that will start the meltdown when i am trying to hold it in. It's being honest to others about your reality and limitations. You may want to have a response for them, but you need time to formulate your words. "I'll get back to you on that."
It's admitting that you are having to be inconvenient, in order to participate in interactions because you need things a certain way in order to function. It's admitting certain people, by their very nature trigger you. I have finally, made that work for me, without having to suffer. One women who comes in part time where I work, initially caused me meltdowns. She was loud, moved fast, and gave orders. I couldn't handle it and it caused me melt downs. Luckily I have an understanding boss. The first time, it happened I did what I usually do find the smallest, most distance job and do that, but I told my boss why I had to do it. I broke down boxes and swept floors for the rest of the day. I also, and this was huge, told the other person, who is actually a very talented and upbeat person. "You are fine! It is me!" without explanation. Since people like to avoid what weirds them out, it was enough for her. Her occasional presence has triggered me a couple of times, but I make a point of interacting with her when i am not triggered, telling her, I like her work, and "It's me, not you, trust me on that." I am sure my boss has since told her I am on the spectrum. My boss knows I do not adapt to sudden changes in routine well, and gives me time to rally.
I really didn't want to be working anymore, as a women in my late 50's or being neurodivergent, but this job has helped heal so many wounds from my working past. Knowing how many times neither I nor the people who had to deal with me, knew what to do with me.
Another thing I learned, is I can really only socialize as a teacher or information provider, or boss. All other conversations are more difficult and I am not very good at them. Admitting your not good at something is an important part of unmasking too. Luckily my job is working in a garden centre and I have education in horticulture. In my volunteer work, I coordinate a community ceramics studio, and my other education is a BA in Visual Arts and I am professionally a ceramic artist. In both scenarios, I am quite confident and comfortable most of the time.
When I do watch people, in the ceramics group for example, go into a closed conversational bubble and are having a lot of fun, I feel like an outsider, but I remind myself, it's okay. It has no bearing on me, and I actually do not enjoy that kind of thing anyways. I also accept that meltdowns will happen after situations like that. Its a release, and it's my normal.
I kind of had a head start with the ASD diagnosis. (I was diagnosed with ADHD and Fibromyalgia) I started realising by my 40's people didn't like me, but a few really love me, and I am so grateful for those few. I've had one friend since we were 17. So I stopped trying to fit in, or pretend most of the time. Only my passing customers get a masked version of me, and even then, I sneal out from behind the mask and baffle them occasionally, Lol. Thank you for being vulnerable, It does get better. Facing the limitations, and welcoming them, is a great place to start. Especially if you were always told how smart you are. You can be smart and dumb at the same time. And get good at it ☺
Thanks for sharing
I’m in the very beginning of my journey and hearing about your personal experiences was so helpful 🥰
Christine! Welcome to our little community. I know how hard it is to get started, you are being super brave. Bravo!
I got a bit tired of hearing from my mom or others saying “be yourself.” When I didn’t know how to be myself. It’s not that simple. Kinda annoying that every time i expressed myself, it’s always met with the words, “be yourself.” It’s such a vague ish phrase and confusing. How do you would even expand from that? This vid does kinda helps on the how to unmask, it takes time to find what we like and don’t like, self reflecting, setting boundaries. Especially allowing ourselves to be deserving of be our own comfortable selves. I don’t know how to describe but yeah. Hope every one of us will keep finding those things that we love about ourselves within and outwardly.
Yes it’s a long process
I notice there are longer times in your video that your face is more bland/not as animated. I'd say that is unmasked. Do you watch yourself on the screen? Maybe if you made your videos not watching yourself except for the beginning to see that you are centered. I'd concentrate on the feeling of your face and maybe you can take that outside with you interacting with the world. Only using words, but keeping a bland face. (Im reading a book/watching a boring documentery/watching the wind in the trees face NEUTRAL/PLACID). There was a young lady with a youtube channel. And she was shiny happy animated autistic, and over time became less like that. That is my observation and what I have been doing though my assessment isnt until nov. Dont know if this was useful at all.
I do look at myself sometimes. And then sometimes I stare into space.
I used to be in choirs in my schools and a couple of gigs at my church. So I always appreciate good singing when I hear it and judging from my layman’s-as opposed to a licensed teacher’s- training, you have a very good mezzo-soprano voice. Have you considered joining a community choir?
I’ve never had to do it very much myself. Though I’ve since realized that random whispering is my main stim. I know that I’ve annoyed more than one person but, like with your singing, I have to get it out or I’ll explode. Sometimes I’ll even be doing it and not be fully aware of it.
It’s one of the hardest lesson I’ve learned as well. But we can never please 100% of the population no matter what we do or say or don’t do or say. Being everything to everyone is impossible. There’s this saying that goes, love yourself first and then the right people will. That is, the right people for you. 🙂
Hi Lacy - I was in many choirs over the years but I hadn't considered joining one as an adult - something to think about
The distinction between the mask an one's true self is an interesting one.
I find it particularly interesting, because as a metal musician, I've kind of been putting on a mask
as we use face paint, and as a musician it has helped me boost my confidence both on and off stage.
In a sense, I feel the stage persona become a super hero version of myself, where I'm all powerful.
Of course, in other parts of my life, masking has held me back, subdued me. But over the last year,
with much aid of psychedelic mushrooms, I've come to learn about myself on a much deeper level, and
I now have a better feeling for what's "me" and what's the "mask".
interesting! thanks for sharing
I found out late in life, at the age of 59½ years old, July 2022, that I have Asperger's, but I'm not yet diagnosed.
well you are welcome here
Just be yourself... for the most part it meant, just accept having no friends and being bullied. I found that unmasking is about circles, and the wider the circles the more of a mask I put on. You are such a brave woman. The best place I could be me was as a leader, and then the label of weird was seen as alright, creative and strange... Thank you Claire
Hi Asaf, thanks for sharing your experience, that is also very brave.
@@WoodshedTheory There's such a trend of telling people to be who they are, and that's wonderful. But to say that to a teen who knows that being who they are might end up in bullying and isolation can be irresponsible. We need to be clearer about what the person need, what their environment can offer, what resources are available. For those of us who were late diagnosed, it means we were goof enough in masking - which isn't all bad
@@LightsandVessels Hi Asaf totally off topic but are you in Israel? I lived there for a few years!
@@WoodshedTheory I am in Israel. have lived in the UK for about 11 years but now in northern Israel. where'd you live ?
@@nonnymoose6260 I was born in Jerusalem and left when I was 25 to the UK. and after I had my first daughter it felt too isolated and we returned to Israel. I'm currently writing an LGBT teen-love fantasy series full with autistic protagonists and partially based in Israel. It's not an easy place but v special
Diagnosed in late 30s, 50 now. always embraced what I liked, did my own thing and could never fit in. The few "friends" shared those interests and were talented, some successful, folks but I was their high level special interest buddy and definitely not getting invited to hang with the "cool kids". Couple ppl I was honest with either denied my diagnosis or proceeded to take advantage before walking out the door. It's all rather bleak & if one can deal with masking:do it. Being viewed as a lunatic may be preferable than "special needs" with a clear set of venerabilities laid out to exploit.
Thank you for sharing
You know as I think back to when I was in my 20's I knew I was doing it. I remember there have been times I have said I was a chameleon. I could be who I had to be when needed. In my 20's I also realized I had no idea who I was. I hoped age would help but it didn't. Now I feel I am getting closer..I hope. Not diagnosed, I realized it about 3 years ago. I am almost 60. Thank you for broaching a tough topic. I've been bingeing your channel all day.
Yes I would just recreate myself to fit into whatever environment in a way
I recently realized i mask 99 % of the time. I thought I was myself. I dont know who I am anymore 😂
I feel this
I wonder if my masking is tied to my people-pleasing as a young person. I'm looking back on my childhood now through newly diagnosed autistic eyes and there's just so much to unpack.
So much to unpack for real. I am still unpacking too
Thank you for sharing so openly as always ❤
First off, NEVER stop singing 😅 I sing along every time and then it sticks in my head for the rest of the day!
I always believed I had a strong sense of self but my identity was always based on my special interests or the people I was surrounding myself with.
I joined a group of women a few years back where we’d meditate and sing and share. There was one meeting where we were asked “who are you?”.
Never have I been so stumped. Everyone answered with such ease and with pressure to dig deep and speak my truth I became very emotional as I realised I had absolutely no idea who I was. I left the group shortly after as I felt so out of place.
I still don’t know who I am and it fills me with an emptiness that only my special interests can fill. But I am trying day but day to let the mask slip and become more aware of the person that’s been hidden for 34 years.
I feel like an adult baby 😅❤
Hello my friend, I appreciate this so much. I am really proud of you for facing this very difficult question of who am i? I know that the answer is there and you will continue to uncover it as you go along. You're awesome!
💜
Same. There is a lack of self identity. Its devastating. When i go in groups i can see lot of small groups forming whereas i can talk and be with any group. I dont understand how these small groups get formed. Wish i had a strong personality and identify. All the masking has dumbed me and not idea who i am now.
I'm diagnosed at 58 I and no body ever eluded to this even though I have had years of therapy.......I have thrown in my job due to my mum being ill I am now her carer and so I don't need to mask now.somone said identity crisis I think that us true finding yourself after a diagnosis is like comming home to yourself.
Yes it is like coming home to me yourself
I understand the concept of masking and why it's supposed to affect autistic people negatively, but if you really think about it, don't most people mask in some way or other? For example, a neurotypical usually presents themselves differently in a workplace setting than they do when they are at home.
Hello Delilah, this is a great question for this topic. Yes, everyone, even NT people, are capable of masking. The difference here is of frequency and intensity. High masking ASD people will hide their true selfs in almost every social situation, in order to try and fit in, to the extent that it brings a prolonged period of anxiety. I hope this makes some sense.
Keep on singing - it is obviously part of you.
Still trying to come to terms with masking, and working out how much I do it after being diagnosed on the spectrum 18 months ago at the age of 61.
Hi Martha thank you for sharing your story. I am sure you are going through a lot right now.
I often ask myslef, what would i do as a kid? it helps me alot, to connect with my inner child. to be playfull, joyfull, without worrying about what other think about me. my inner child always shows me the true self
ahh that is a good way to think through it thanks for sharing
O I like your singing, and everybody should sing even if they're terrible, not that I'm saying your singing is bad it's fine. Another thing is purposely bad singing is also very enjoyable. I love to sing. People do tell me to stop but I don't let them get me down lol
Yes! Keep singing!
I absolutely enjoy your video intros. I look forward to your singing. Thank you for all you share with us and how you do it.
thanks for listening
Hi, hay, don't stop singing, I like your singing. Happy Days
Thanks so much
Im working on what i like and how to balance what i like lol. The world suddenly became foreign now that im diagnosed. Communication is hard 😅
i totally get it - i am still figuring it out too
It's that voice in head that watches my actions and tells me, that's not me or "what would a 'normal' person do?" Or "what an I doing this? I hate doing this, it's not me!"
Thanks for sharing
Definitely not a strictly autistic thing bc we are all taught to be the up standing well put together polite lady, it's bullshit. Society has been so backwards and I find I was always considered rebel bc I just cannot tolerate it yet I people please in the sense I can't say no to anyone's face. Ugh
thanks for sharing
I have closets and closets of clothes, where I tried to fit in; and often failed. I'd wear the wrong thing to the wrong occasion, and sometimes see out of date clothes and thought those were right. (Petticoats anyone?) Really, now I have mostly black and grey clothes; so I don't have to think about if they match or not. And only comfortable clothes. No more bras. If I am at home, I can just look like someone who lives under a bridge. I don't care. I make a bit more effort if I have to go to the store or the doctor's office. I believe people treat you better, if you are dressed well. I don't mind being a bit odd, as usually I make people laugh. I don't really care if it is with me or at me. I think weird people like me help make the world more interesting for the boring old regulars.
I completely understand this!
I saw a girl at work and thought wow claire is so just herself grounded and self assured no pretence i feel like that is rare so now I am following sit and not pretending to be vivacious and likeable like my work colleague who is also a claire....thanks claire she has no idea how i admired her groundedness
Thanks for the encouragement
thank you for the video, unmasking is very hard for me because I don't know when the mask ends and the me starts
I totally get what you are saying
One of the best videos I have seen on masking! I love the honesty and the fact you were not trying to pitch a 3 point plan.
I’m so glad it was helpful