Stream Ben's tunes on Spotify at open.spotify.com/artist/30hVqCpEQ8gBRdNvgWMr20?si=l_ViGiCjQke7K-GChjQwbQ, and find him on Instagram at @benjamintodmusic. New to GemsOnVHS? Make sure to subscribe to our channel for more videos & follow us on Instagram at @gemsonvhs for more daily content.
Shit I wish I could but times are tough and I'm just trying not to use again... This song among others on this channel keep me going. Soon as work starts again I would love to contribute! Love this stuff!
I wish these comments didn't hit me as hard as they do. I've always wished just one person would tell me I was good enough. Five years sober as of last month. I often wonder, if I still feel like shit was it even worth it to get clean?
@@PyroZombi19 Nothing you ever do will be good enough for everyone. I mean just live life and do the best you can... only live once and in grand scheme of all things it's a brief moment. If you don't drown out the noise and make the best of it now, you will be left with a ton of regret when you're old and grey.
And now?? I'm 2 days clean (i know thats nothing) but i'm severely feeling it today. And i know it's gonna be hard for a lot longer...thoughts of leading a 'normal' life again scares tf outta me. Anyway,hope your still on top of it...respect✊
I'm only 47 days clean. This song made me remember hating myself for being a junky . I can barely look at the man in the mirror. But I don't despise him anymore. I despise who he was. Made me cry. I pray for all my brothers and sisters still lost out in the madness. May you find peace.
Luke Azbell go to a meeting man. I promise if you go and tell people you need help they will at least in NA. I can't speak for other programs. But I have been to NA meetings all over the eastern side of the U.S. and always felt at home
Keep your head up man. You should be proud of 47 days. I'm a year & a half clean with the help of Subutex. Without it I wouldn't be here. Take it one day at a time & remember life is precious.
It does not matter if you were a junkie, druggie, alcoholic, or stone sober, this song relates a mans feeling of not being good enough, not reaching others expectations. Others pass judgment without knowing the story. This song is amazing for any one that's ever gone thru some shit in life.
Yea but if you’ve ever been as misfortunate enough to experience it you might just have a deeper feeling of what it feels like being “not good enough” as you put it. However that’s a fainting feeling compared to the despair, disappointment, self loathing, bottom scum piece of trash feeling one can get to should you slip & fall along the users tightrope rite back in the shit. The last thing on your mind will probably feeling not good enough for someone else because at that time you’re not even good enough for yourself. FYI you don’t want to play the “how low” card with a x-junkie. You ain’t never gonna win that one.
3 years since i posted here. im finally 1 year clean and no one to share this with, but i made it. i hope someone sees this. edit: holy fuck i never expected this, i cant thank you all enough and say how much i needed it. i lost my father start of the year, then my dog died in feb and lost my rental due to room mate stealing my rent while attending father's funeral. i came to this page to remind myself, dont do it man, just jam to Ben and breathe. then i saw how many of you reached out and took the time to respond to a stranger. your kind words, cheers and prayers made me tear n smile. even though we dont know each other, all of your words were felt, every single comment and i can assure you, im still sober today. i'll see you all on year two. keep yo chin up and ill do the same
This is one of the saddest songs I've heard in awhile. Reminds me of how much I hated myself during my relapses, but by the grace of God, I'm 15 months sober. Update: this month, September 2021, marks three years sober for me, and I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and support. If you're struggling, know that you aren't alone, and I pray God brings comfort in your life.
I shared this song with a dear friend a few years ago. every time he would relapse he would send me this back. i would reach out and help him get back into a program to get back on track. it was our sign of, im ready for help. my dear friend recently passed away from an o.d. i will now listen to this song as a memorial of him.
I listen to Tyler Childers Nose to the Grindstone in the same way. I got clean and my buddy didn't but he would always send me that song and tell me he envied my sobriety. keep your head up, It takes people willing to relate and encourage someone if they are going to have any chance at all. Opiates ain't worth it boys.
Me and my brother drank with this man on a few occasions. Seemed like a quiet guy but we started talking a bit after a few drinks and he told us a hell of a story. Was a really cool dude and I love his music. Wish him nothing but the best. He deserves it.
@@BrokeNbelt_tv 3.5 yrs off that shit bro..for me..Im a lifetime addict..last 20 on heroin b4 I laid it all down..Proud of u man...Get thru today...fuck yesterday. Can't see tomorrow..Peace n strength bro..
"You can send me to hell with the rest of my friends", resonates very strongly with me, lost friends to drugs and suicide, always makes me think he's talking about them.
Unfortunately I just went back out, living lowdown and using again.. After 8 years clean. I'm stuck in Charleston and suppose to be going to rehab in Huntington beach. I hope I make it. I relate to every lost dog and Benjamin song as if he were singing of me. Somehow this keeps me going. Yall wish me luck. Hey! I made it to California. I've been in rehab 1 1/2 months now. My girl left me after 4 years together and in love. All I got now is me, my sobriety, freedom to roam and these tunes. Yall wish me luck. UPDATE! 4½ Months down the road and I got my own place in Huntington Beach and not using or Drinking! Great job and life's a little easier. I can smile now knowing i mase it all possible. I think back on writing this comment and damn was i in a bad bad, dark place in my life. Well Want to go see Lost dog if they get out this way. Later!
Wow dude! Congratulations my friend! I'm in Washington and have been through relapses and treatment up here so sort of know some of your experience. Thanks for sharing your success and good luck in the future.
As the mother of a heroin addict it saddens me to hear these words sung, yet I know deep in my heart that they are the very same words that my son sings when he plays his guitar and weeps softly in his darkest hours shared with the demons that haunt him. I wish that I could take away his pain.....and I wish that someone could take away mine.
“held the needle like a gun in my hand”…60 days clean today. I just want to be done with the feelings spoke about in this song. I am so so tired of putting my soul through this pain. listened to this song 3 times in a row and still tearing up. I love all of y’all.
my wife and I lost our youngest son to a drug overdose a year and a half ago. This song just popped up on a random playlist. I have listened to it 3 times already and it is tearing me apart. The truth in what I watched my son go through is layed out in words right here. As a musician I know how hard these songs are and I thank you for this one.
On the evening of July 28, 2010 my brother relapsed. A supposed friend gave him a hot shot and watched him die before calling emergency services. That afternoon I had talked to him and he asked if he could crash on my couch but I was out of town working and didn't want to bother my girlfriend. He left a son behind who was to turn 8 yrs old 3 days later. I have since adopted him and am raising him as best as I can. Very rarely do I hear a song that brings forth emotions so much. This damn song has fucked me up.
Had a friend of mine hang himself about 2 and a half years ago. I still feel so god damned guilty. I saw his path, and turned my back instead of offering a hand. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you and your family are doing well.
The mask he made to cope with the life he loathes falls away with every one of his gut wrenching songs, the truth is more than most of us can haul around too long, I hope he fights the demons and reveals the truth we all need
agnostickamel i feel this song deeply. Been fighting addiction my whole life. Started playing guitar and this one is played alot. To all of us hell raisers, addicts, or recovering addicts. Alot of ppl can relate. Great song
The most powerful song I've ever heard in my 49 years. If this song doesn't make you feel something you might want to check your pulse......Haunting...
I knew his dealer in Asheville NC. Pregnant girl. He never stopped using. If you gave half a fuck Benjamin you would make it right with that girl. Her name starts with C
Currently in rehab and we got our phones back for Christmas, this is the first Christmas in 3 years that I’ve been sober, believe in yourself and you need to take that first step that is scaring you to death and reach out to somebody for help. Recovery is possible and real and it’s a hell of a lot better to be in a rehab on Christmas Day missing your family than it is to be on the streets dying and missing your family. Please love yourself and reach out
At 33 years old I was a full blown addict for 18 years, the verse holding a needle like a gun in my hand really hits home, i have now been sober 3 years living my best life with a wife and 2 beautiful kids and a great job. It gets better. Keep pushing. You got this! I love you all!
I’ve posted on this vid before but I wanted to come back and say I’ll have 4 years clean in December. Anytime I think about going back that shit, and that needle, and the tar I come back to this song just to remind myself what it is I’m planning. Thank you Benjamin Todd. You help more of us then you’ll ever know.
Amen brother, I'm staying strong here also. This songs has always helped me stay clean, even when I remember using to this very song feeling pretty useless. Now its an anthem of strength for me. God Bless
I'm a chronic relapser but I'm sitting here with a little over 10 months. It's songs like this that speak to me and help me remember the pain, it's songs like this that saves lives. Thank you
Heard this song the first time almost 5 years ago and it still sends the same chills down my spine today it did the first time I heard it. Now after 21 years of addiction I'm finally free. 74 days and counting
I’m 48, let my 24 year old son listen to this. I look over at him and he has tears in his eyes. How can just A guitar and a voice bring two grown men to tears. Your songs touch both our hearts. I will rise and this song are our favorites. Thanks for sharing..
Too all of us in recovery congrats. I've lost friends and family to the hell. I've lost everything twice to it. I'm living in a shelter for homeless veterans but I am clean and sober and starting to rebuild.
I've had a deep connection to this song since I first heard it years back now. I just read some of the comments., and I'm in tears, I love you all stay strong my misfit friends, I promise to do the same. THANKS IS ALL I CAN SAY!
I just cant stop the drinks, kicked everything by myself. Lapsed a few months ago but again I kick it. But I love some drinks and bullshitting, everyday I get closer and closer to being the man I wanma become. If Yous ever in georgia holler we can have a fun sober hangout! I have no friends just my dogs and thats the hardest part
4 years clean, listened to this song so much when I was at my lowest point, now I play it and remember how I came from ashes, and now I'm out of the dark, anybody trying to find your way, we do RECOVER!!!
I'm been off speed and opiates for 5 months, coke for 4 mo, and finally things are coming together. It's been 4 days since I smoked bud, and out of the blue, I got offered a job today with training and a company truck doing elevator repairs, making greater than median income. I know the time I've been clean is not very long, but I did this without the intention of being sober...I just woke up one day and didnt like where I was at or the time I had wasted. I grew up around NA/AA 12 step programs so I am very very familiar with addiction and the struggles. I was not ignorant about getting high, and I'm not going to be ignorant about sobriety either. Keep on pushing people, it's up to us on how we want to deal with life. It's also up to us to accept the consequences of the life we've lived. The responsibility is ours to own.
I start work tomorrow. $1k sign on bonus, company vehicle first day, full benefits, $20 and hour and a $2 raise every 90days until you complete your elevator technicians journeymans license at 4yrs...capped off as a tech at $50 an hour...the company gives you a severance option to leave and start your own business or stay with then and get moved from a technician to an executive/management posistion. Guys, I'm super stoked stoked. We just gotta keep pushing. I worked in the oilfield, was an Army medic for 8 yrs and got wounded so I had to leave the service, I worked as a licensed hvac tech and mechanic....just keep pushing and you'll make it. Do what's right and what's right will happen to you!
Jobs going great! I love what I do and a company vehicle with a fuel card is nice as well. Ready to bring home 2018 and kickoff 2019 and keep climbing.
Still doing good. Got a $2 raise my first 3 weeks on the job. They've decided to keep me in my own service van riding solo, and I'm up for a large $5 raise in a few weeks. Things are going great GB or the most part still. Spending as much time with my daughters and being able to afford them the gifts, clothes, and good food they deserve has been an awesome feeling as well.
My boyfriend was found overdosed Thursday in our room he used to love this song and listened to it when he was sad I miss him so much I want to be with him again and hope to god he’s ok where he is now
I'm sorry for your loss it is a very tough road the one you will walk down from here. My husband passed away July 21st 2018 to a fentanyl overdose a he thought he was getting heroin he was given street fentanyl he never had a chance. He had just gotten out of prison was clean for 2 years I was able to overcome my demons my husband sadly never was. God-bless you I pray you find the peace you need to make it through the days
@@cynicalbeauty1980 I'm so sorry for your loss, I know you much miss him so much & I wish the same healing for you. It is a very lonely road..and sad so many others go down it. I wish somehow we can bring them back. But I do believe you will be together again!
39 days clean and sober today. I just buried a good friend this week who lost his life to this disease… he’s who put me on to your music in the first place. Now I’m listening to you everyday and it’s truly helping me stay sober. Thank you Ben. Your a beacon of hope to people like me.
I'm living low down and I am using again I'm hating my name cause I am cursed like my kin And if I should see you before I am condemned I hope you're deceived by the webs that I spin I wish I was who I appear 'Cause I despise the man in the mirror Lost deep inside of my dirty old soul Some starry-eyed boy never taught self control The cost of my living was more than I planned So I held a needle like a gun in my hand And I wish I was who I appear Cause I despise the man in the mirror The memories I've got torture my head And I don't know God but I heard he was dead And if I am wrong in judgement I stand I will not repent cause I don't give a damn You can send me to Hell with the rest of my friends And I wish I was who I appear Cause I despise the man in the mirror I'm living low down and I am using again -Benjamin Tod-
For those wondering what 11030 means... It's code for HOBO Travelers use it to mark safe spots for people such as on buildings and train cars. (place a horizontal line between the 1's and a vertical one by the 3)
I lost my uncle a week ago. He was a slave to drugs and alcohol for most of his life. He finally beat back the addiction before he passed. He went peacefully. Remember the fights not over till you've won.
Victory is not what we chase, the fight is never won, because there's always another fight, already waiting - we chase peace and unfortunately, peace for guy's like me, come but one way and one way only...
The first time I heard this song was a few weeks out of prison and had just started shooting dope again the same day. It rattled me to my core and it was on repeat for weeks. It's amazing to sit here and listen to this today 4 years clean and sober. It was not coincidence that I found this song the day I started using again a few years back...
This song haunts me. It is the most honest and profound expression of addiction and relapse I've ever heard. Damn you and bless you Ben, for laying wide both our souls.
I listen to this many times during a 24hr period. I can feel his music through my entire world. It amazes me like I'm seeing it for the 1st time everytime and tears pour freely behind the dark in all our lives
My brother passed away and this song is him to a tee. One of the last songs he left in my history on UA-cam and wish I heard it earlier, he was my bestfriend
LYRICS I’m living low down And I’m using again I’m hating my name ‘Cos I’m cursed like my kin And if I should see you Before I’m condemned I hope you’re deceived By the webs that I spin I wish I was who I appear ‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror Lost deep inside Of my dirty old soul Some starry eyed boy Never taught self control The cost of my living Was more than I plan So I held a needle Like a gun in my hand I wish I was who I appear ‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror The memories I’ve got Torture my head And I don’t know God But I heard he was dead But if I am wrong In judgment I stand I will not repent ‘Cos I don’t give a damn You can send me to hell With the rest of my friends I wish I was who I appear ‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror I’m living low down And I’m using again
This song makes me FEEL so much. This October I'll be 4 years clean. Benjamin Todd has spoken to my dirty old soul. My old people are dying or being put in the system.... this man knows it all too well. Thank you, Benjamin, for understanding and knowing what life for people like us truly is. Sincerely, One of your biggest fans..
yup i was 13 high and 12 sober ... 8/24/22 is 13 high 13 sober ... so i guess im 50% 50% but i wont ever touch fit/heroin ever again... its ppl like this thread that keeps me hopeful
@@DaysofNotty it is a battle. I've slipped a few times but got right back on track. I have an amazing treatment team at the VA I go to. My best advice is day by day. If that is too much take it minute by minute or hour by hour. Reach out. Meditate. Change these three things... People, places and things. Change the people you hang around, the places you go and the things you do. I had to move out of state to do it. But you got this. You took the right steps.
To every recovering addict... I was there 17yrs ago!! I would've never made it out alive if it wasn't for my kids. I almost went back to using in 2008 when I had to bury my 6yr old son. During that time I fought many demons. Myself being the worst one to battle. I still have the casing from a 9mm that I tried to kill myself with. The bullet didnt go off & that is what finally broke me. I had to seek professional help & I had to fall on God. Anytime I question my worth, I pull that bullet that didnt go off out of my safe & tell myself I was spared for a reason. 12yrs has went by & I'm still sober. I'm here today to tell my story & the pain of the loss is bearable now. Dont give up!!
God bless you! I'm still battling addiction and demons but I'm making small bit steady progress. I still get high but I'm handling my business and not just sitting at the bottom of the hole I dug wondering how I'll ever get out. I know now what I have to do and I'm doing it every day. The drugs have been such a crutch for me the past 11 years and this habit is gonna die hard, it just hope the habit dies before I do, I really value life and I don't wanna lose mine
@@danielmata7419 you'll make it out alive!! Keep the faith & fight the hardest opponent you'll ever battle.... YOURSELF!! Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're only human.
Im a recovering dope addict. Used to listen to this joint before i would use to ease the pain. Now i use this song for strength and support. Ben todd love you dawg
You can see his eyes the second time he says "because I despise the man in the mirror" as he holds back the flood, and man I feel that exact look. I know that look. I've had those eyes many times. And you are loved, we do have purpose here even if we cant figure it out this time around. Love is out there for all of us who have that look.
As a junkie 6 years clean I truly appreciate the beautiful form of expression ben has transformed a relatable modern pain into. With authentic American sound. THIS is culture. From homelessness myself in a shelter and on the needle to a college degree in electrical engineering. "We move at the speed of pain". Adversity breeds greatness.
I've been homeless on the streets smoking meth behind a grocery store in the middle of the night with no clue where my life was headed. thankfully I have a home now. I'm actually doing a lot better than I have been in a long time, I got housing, I got my driver's license reinstated, and I'm back to work part time Unfortunately I also started using meth again and I feel so terrible knowing I'm decieving my friends and family every time I mention that I'm still clean but I don't know how else to deal with my emotions, I have a personality disorder that makes me feel them way too intensely and meth and alcohol seem to be the only things that kind of help me forget or ignore them. Also music like this, it's all a recipe to help me relax and feel like a human again, cause sometimes I forget that I am actually a human 🤔 I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just high as a kite and feel like getting out some of what I'm feeling to strangers on the internet with the hopes that somebody will read what I have to say, it kind of validates me
That's the kind of story that needs to be shared to new comers. I remember when I first started my journey to recovery. I thought, why try? It seemed impossible to get 1 day over without using. Let alone becoming anything more than an addict that has destroyed everything. Financially I was bankrupt. Spiritually I was also bankrupt. I was broken and thought to myself I'll never be able to do anything more than chase my addiction. It was people like you sharing stories of how it's only too late if you never try. Going from homeless to college degree. Sharing how if you just keep pushing forward then there's no limit to what we can reach. Much like you, I was also homeless and ended up becoming a process engineer. I try to share my story to those that need to know that it is possible to turn it around. Getting clean was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done, but people like you that tell your story of success is like throwing a rope to someone that is stuck in a hole. Congratulations on getting and staying clean. I know, first hand, how difficult it truly is. Congratulations to becoming an electrical engineer. Please keep sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
I wanted to come back to this comment section because 1 year ago today I took my first step into recovery from alcohol and cocaine/meth addiction. This song is a reminder of who I used to be, the lies I used to tell, the mistakes I made and the lack of care that went with that. Thank you Benjamin, for putting a song out here for us addicts to relate to and to remind us what using does to us
This song has made me do more self reflection than I ever thought possible. When the words are capable of hitting a total stranger so deep, that he stops what hes doing and plays it over and over on repeat while thinking about his own life and his own choices, you know youre a talented singer/songwriter.
Benjamin Tod stands out as a beacon of genuine, raw talent in a world where such authenticity is increasingly scarce. His melodies have been a steadfast companion during my darkest moments, providing solace and understanding. The way his tunes resonate with my innermost emotions is a testament to his incredible gift. My admiration for him is profound, rooted in the sincere connection his music has fostered in my life.
I'm not one to cry listening to music. Especially stone-cold sober. I'm also not ashamed of it in this instance, because damn. Too relatable sir. I love it.
At 35 years old I've been an addict for over 20 years and I've felt every word of this song for every single one of them. I've been clean a handful of times, almost made it to the other side a couple times as well.. And right now just reading some of these comments may very well be the only thing saving my life.. Even so, it's difficult not to feel alone. I wish I could figure out how to stop hating myself.
Your not alone just reach out... I'm 15 months clean and everyday is still hard still a struggle not to hate myself still don't feel like a normal person but being clean and striving for normalcy is something I want more than anything and I choose life and you can to so be strong and reach out to people who have been there and understand what your going through ❤
Brother, I’m not an addict, but I have family that is. I don’t know your struggle. But remember that someone loves you. I don’t know who that is, but if it has to be me, find me.
This song hits me hard. I was a degenerate, I was off my face 24/7, I would lie and steal from my friends and my family. Chemicals and powder were my demons and I’m clean 4 years! When I listen to this song it makes me proud of how far I’ve come as it makes me remember the person I use to be
you weren't anything but desperate ,you don't need to be down on yourself,this disease is brutal and you are not this disease ,clean your nothing like the disease
I'm going through it right now and I just curious how do I forgive myself for the shit things I do/done like I knows it's not me when I get sober I hate myself
@@billygoatupnorth I'm young, mid 20-s. But i had been drinking since I was 14, and I got bad. At about 22. Id drink a fifth of soco or evan williams every day and at least a 30 pack throughout the day along with it. I used to be able to handle my alcohol really well. I could drink beer all day long and pace myself and not ever get drunk. But I just kept on drinking more and more. Finally I got to where I wanted to be really drunk and not feel any pain at all so I started drinking even more, going out and partying a lot and getting blacked out drunk. I got beligerant, I got suicidal. Over time, I started to become mean and hateful even when I wasnt drinking alcohol. I knew I had to change something but I wasnt strong enough to do it on my own. A few of my friends eventually brought it to my attention also, and I could tell they didnt want to have to say anything cuz they didnt know what I'd say or do, so I knew it really had to be a big deal for them go say something. I mean i was I was an alcoholic and usually drunk, so I can understand why they didnt want to say anything for a while, but I thank God they did. I was headed down a very dark road. I contemplated suicide every single day. I'd sit in my chair sometimes for hours with my pistol in my lap, wondering how in the world I could live without the alcohol to cover up my pain. I didnt think I would be able to live with the pain every day without the help of the alcohol, but I was absolutely wrong. In my case, when I stopped drinking alcohol, it forced me to learn how to cope with my problems and how to take a healthy approach toward fixing them. It was either that or spiral out of control downhill and turn right back toward alcohol and other crutches and I knew I couldn't do that again. I learned that it's much better for you and you're mindset to take your problems for what they are and accept that and try to find a healthy solution instead trying to cover them up. I couldn't just keep covering up the pain any more. I had to change something. And honestly, the longer you suppress those feelings and emotions you've been running from, the more you'll have to face when you do stop. I know it's scary, but bottom line is I thought 100% that I was not going to be able to ever live on this earth without consuming alcohol. I found out that I'm actually much better and mentally stronger because I did quit. At first it's hard cuz its new to you, but it does get easier I promise. Sorry about rambling, just felt the need to share that with you. I wish you the best friend. 👋
I lost my baby sister to overdose this year. This song could be about her word for word. When I need to cry and grieve for her I listen to this. It's cathartic.
I just made it a year sober from the needle and a spoon a few days ago. My deepest sympathies and prayers for any and all those battling the sickness. You're all worthy of living a life worth living, don't give up.
Full blown opiate addict. Lost so many to drugs. Making progress tho. I’ve gone from falling off the wagon to just making a pit stop. And the trips get longer between the stops. Just trying to get where I don’t have to stop and ride on to that coast to watch that sunset. Regardless, it’ll be one hell of a trip. Happy Sunday morning to you all. Wishing peace, strength, and serenity to you all. Keep on trucking
Hell yeah man. That experience you just shared we have in common. Over 1 year clean now but it took 10 years of a slow upward trajectory and being lucky enough not to die each time I relapsed. I’ll keep you in my thoughts brother.
I broke down while listening to this, all but 1 person (sadly not me) in my family are addicts recovering or otherwise. this hit home like nothin ever has. Thank you so much.
If you're reading this comment, you're here, you matter and you're worth it. The world wouldn't be the same without you. You are loved and cherished. ❤❤❤
I was never addicted to anything, but I still feel the same darkness this man feels. I spent years of my life in the shadows, condemning myself without even a look at what I could be. Now I'm finishing school, getting a job, my license, and everything is falling in place. Update: I failed school, but Im getting my GED next month, Im enlisted in the military, and afterwards Im starting my own business.
Did 9 years in the military. Good call man, it's life changing. As you grow older and look back.....The stories and memories you'll have. The people you meet while in service will become a part of your soul.
2 years clean listened to this a lot in the midst of crack addiction. Have a wife, and beautiful daughter now. I’m here to tell you music can save lives. God bless anyone else going through what I went through.
Whiskey Wishes, Crackpipe Dreams Beyond the reach of human range a drop of hell, a touch of strange Rock by rock I built a wall never knowing how far I'd fall One was always too little One was always too much One cost me everything Even your touch All my thoughts all arranged All my mind all deranged Reality leaving, going on it's way Where it's gone I can't say All the colors on the wheel Can't describe just how it feels To find the black and lose the light Starless sky in an endless night Once I could live and laugh, even cry Now the hole in me only wonders why All my joy has turned to sorrow How long can I wait for tomorrow If I should die before I wake Will I still have a soul to take If I live to see the day one big blast blows it all away All the love my heart once felt Listen to it sizzle, watch it melt My world lost in the bitter smoke Someone page the man that has the coke Call him quick, let it ring Ask him please won't he bring A drop of hell, a touch of strange Beyond the reach of human range By Matt Watson, 1/28/00 The last day I used and the first day I promessed the mirror we would do better.
I've been clean for 10 years. I started using when I was 16 and I lived with addiction for 8 years. I've felt what it's like to be rock bottom. I turned my back on my family who tried to help, I robbed people and places to get money to feed it. I've seen 3 people die because of the habit.. then one day a friend of my moms offered to help me. And I let her. She saved my life. I'm now 34, married with a 2 year old. And I work with people suffering from addiction. It's hard. But I promise you, it can be beaten
@@Albert_cough-man that's how it seems just yesterday was in high school now almost 30 seen close friends die but yet I still doing this never ending cycle. Just wanted to let u know I feel the same wft happened to this life of mine. 27 year old boy from Minnesota hating myself and using again
Stephen Williams - I’m a musician and was just showing this song to a friend, telling her that sometimes simple music can be really difficult to write because people focus more on the delivery and what’s being sang. BT performs with feeling and because of that, his audience is drawn in. I live in a major city where heroin use is everywhere. I have lost way too many people to it. I’m going to a funeral on Sunday for a girl I was close with in high school. She was an awesome person, very friendly and down to earth, and very easy to talk to. She could make friends with a random person after talking with them for 10mins. I really knew her over 15 years ago, but we still caught up occasionally. She battled addiction and relapsed in June and she passed away a few days ago, almost 2 years to the day her husband OD’d. They’ve left 2 young boys behind and I can’t stop thinking about them. I know we don’t know each other, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. My friend lost her battle, but it’s comforting knowing that someone, albeit a stranger on the internet, beat their demons. I hope you’re continuing to do well. Thanks again.
Played this over and over again in my uncles old office after he passed. This song haunts me like his memory. I know he wouldn’t have been proud of who I was back then, but he’d be proud of me now. 3 years sober, and I keep his ashes on my living room shelf to remind myself to do things that would make him proud of me every day.
I've got 3 months clean, been battling addiction for 9 years, 6 inpatients, and longest I've ever been clean was a little over a year. I would've died this last time out if I didn't have a newborn son.. but I heard this at work and I've been playing it on repeat. And crying haha. This song hurts my soul in the most beautiful way.
Heard this live today in LA. This song helped me a lot when I was struggling with addiction. 4 years later and I’m 14 months sober and finally got to hear it live. God bless you Ben
I had the opportunity to share this song and a beer with a brother of mine just a few months before he took his own life... I play this video sometimes and replay that day in my head ... I miss my friend... Please... if you think life is heavy and there's nothing left... Reach out to someone... I guarantee you'll find help if you just ask
This is faith, I've never heard a more well put together song lyrically or emotionally...this is a masterpiece I cannot describe in words how this song is a cure for many who create their own cancer. God bless this artist and his fans.
you dont know me, but your music impacts me. i literally play ur songs every day. dont let them songs be just memories of an old soul brother whos heart and mind at one time hummed them dirty beautiful hymns that reached my soul.
Jason Wehunt thank you sir. all credit is due to this man, you dont gotta be southern to feel and hear the conviction in his voice. However probably helps i was raised in Tennessee.
You are very right on that. I have listened to all the old hank and Waylon stuff and a lot hank 3. but this guy has something here. it is good to see people who actually are living thru really tough times in their lives not these country pop kids who have no real clue about real struggles.
I look at everything I've gained in the past 7 years since finding sobriety, 3 beautiful children, a loving wife a great, job, but still when I look in the mirror I can feel this song to my core.
A powerful song!! I've experienced this state of mind most of my life, putting on a front that everything's OK but in reality your a strung out miserable suicidal depressed mess. This song captures that perfectly!
So many times I sat there strung out needle in my arm in tears listening to this song. But today being sober it reminds me of what use to be and how far I’ve come.
This song will always make me think of my brother who overdosed on Thanksgiving, I'm sure this is how he felt. Love Lost Dog Street Band. Every song. ♡ thank you for the music you make.
I feel like Ben is telling my story. Street punk, trains, addiction, loss. Listening to these songs busts my heart open over and over. There is medicine for broken souls in Ben's music and even though I'm sitting here crying by myself I will keep listening and somehow feel not so alone.
60 days clean/dry today! I’ve noticed I don’t get invited to things by my friends anymore but your music has helped me so much, thank you from the bottom of my heart Ben!
Stay strong brother. They may be your friends forever but they may not be the friends you need right now. Me, you, and our friends all have vices and we solve our own problems in our own time. Pray their time will come soon. Be blessed, your not alone
![The Dead South - In Hell I'll Be In Good Company [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/B9FzVhw8_bY/mqdefault.jpg)
Stream Ben's tunes on Spotify at open.spotify.com/artist/30hVqCpEQ8gBRdNvgWMr20?si=l_ViGiCjQke7K-GChjQwbQ, and find him on Instagram at @benjamintodmusic.
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Audrey Chase
GemsOnVHS my favorite spot for great artist. One day I hope to grace this channel
Many of these performances sound better than the album cuts. Your engineer deserves big love.
UA-cam is free.
Shit I wish I could but times are tough and I'm just trying not to use again... This song among others on this channel keep me going. Soon as work starts again I would love to contribute! Love this stuff!
Anyone that stumbles across this and it hits a little too close to home, know you’re loved.
I wish these comments didn't hit me as hard as they do.
I've always wished just one person would tell me I was good enough.
Five years sober as of last month. I often wonder, if I still feel like shit was it even worth it to get clean?
@@PyroZombi19i understand what you are saying all to well
@zakkw788 ur good enuff 😊 much love from Australia 🇦🇺
@@PyroZombi19 Nothing you ever do will be good enough for everyone. I mean just live life and do the best you can... only live once and in grand scheme of all things it's a brief moment. If you don't drown out the noise and make the best of it now, you will be left with a ton of regret when you're old and grey.
41 days clean from heroin today 🖤 godspeed to those sick and suffering
Congrats!!
Thank you for that been clean ten years started out as fun ended up with a gun in my mouth..thank God
Keep it fresh xo
Thums up for you,Susanna!
And now?? I'm 2 days clean (i know thats nothing) but i'm severely feeling it today. And i know it's gonna be hard for a lot longer...thoughts of leading a 'normal' life again scares tf outta me. Anyway,hope your still on top of it...respect✊
I'm only 47 days clean. This song made me remember hating myself for being a junky . I can barely look at the man in the mirror. But I don't despise him anymore. I despise who he was. Made me cry. I pray for all my brothers and sisters still lost out in the madness. May you find peace.
Wishing you well Derrick Coyle on your fight for sobriety. It’s 8 months since your comment and hopefully things have looked up for you since.
Fuck man. I wish people could talk to me right now.
Luke Azbell go to a meeting man. I promise if you go and tell people you need help they will at least in NA. I can't speak for other programs. But I have been to NA meetings all over the eastern side of the U.S. and always felt at home
Keep your head up man. You should be proud of 47 days. I'm a year & a half clean with the help of Subutex. Without it I wouldn't be here. Take it one day at a time & remember life is precious.
Derrick Coyle keep on keepin' on
It does not matter if you were a junkie, druggie, alcoholic, or stone sober, this song relates a mans feeling of not being good enough, not reaching others expectations. Others pass judgment without knowing the story. This song is amazing for any one that's ever gone thru some shit in life.
Indeed.
Amen brother
100,%. I’m 9 years off heroin an almost 2 from alcohol. I still sob every time I I’m hear this song
Yea but if you’ve ever been as misfortunate enough to experience it you might just have a deeper feeling of what it feels like being “not good enough” as you put it. However that’s a fainting feeling compared to the despair, disappointment, self loathing, bottom scum piece of trash feeling one can get to should you slip & fall along the users tightrope rite back in the shit. The last thing on your mind will probably feeling not good enough for someone else because at that time you’re not even good enough for yourself. FYI you don’t want to play the “how low” card with a x-junkie. You ain’t never gonna win that one.
Wow
3 chords and the truth...never gets old.
my man
do you know the picking pattern?
c major d minor g sharp and f sharp
its actually four chords but great point as a beat can do wonder with truthful lyrics
@@nicholasrourke3836 I see D major then c then walk it down to g. I don't hear any minors. But that's just my ear
3 years since i posted here. im finally 1 year clean and no one to share this with, but i made it. i hope someone sees this.
edit: holy fuck i never expected this, i cant thank you all enough and say how much i needed it. i lost my father start of the year, then my dog died in feb and lost my rental due to room mate stealing my rent while attending father's funeral. i came to this page to remind myself, dont do it man, just jam to Ben and breathe. then i saw how many of you reached out and took the time to respond to a stranger. your kind words, cheers and prayers made me tear n smile. even though we dont know each other, all of your words were felt, every single comment and i can assure you, im still sober today.
i'll see you all on year two. keep yo chin up and ill do the same
Hell yeah my friend! Glad you're doing well!
Congrats brother I'm proud of you my friend never give up and stay strong
I see this and can tell you 17 yrs for me and can be in your future keep it up.
Keep trucking on. It is possible. 6 yrs clean myself. It can be done.
proud of you
This is one of the saddest songs I've heard in awhile. Reminds me of how much I hated myself during my relapses, but by the grace of God, I'm 15 months sober.
Update: this month, September 2021, marks three years sober for me, and I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and support. If you're struggling, know that you aren't alone, and I pray God brings comfort in your life.
Yes, but hr has some selfinsight, and then there is some hope(?)
Keep it up Brother!
Chris R PREACH. 🙏
You're awesome Chris, congrats 🙏
Hope you are at 21 months.... just a stranger
I shared this song with a dear friend a few years ago. every time he would relapse he would send me this back. i would reach out and help him get back into a program to get back on track. it was our sign of, im ready for help. my dear friend recently passed away from an o.d. i will now listen to this song as a memorial of him.
ya that's HARD but expected. You can only do what you can do and unfortunately is not that much. Aint your fault
Sorry to hear
I listen to Tyler Childers Nose to the Grindstone in the same way. I got clean and my buddy didn't but he would always send me that song and tell me he envied my sobriety. keep your head up, It takes people willing to relate and encourage someone if they are going to have any chance at all. Opiates ain't worth it boys.
I lost alot of friends over 2020-2022.. the world has sure changed for the worst.
@@chelsijowers7182 🖤
Me and my brother drank with this man on a few occasions. Seemed like a quiet guy but we started talking a bit after a few drinks and he told us a hell of a story. Was a really cool dude and I love his music. Wish him nothing but the best. He deserves it.
That's cool I honestly could only imagine the awesome stories this dude has to tell
I like this dude
I wish my son could've had a drink with him. He loved this mans music more than anyone else.
Jealous. I'm a recovering heroin addict this song always made me cry
@@BrokeNbelt_tv 3.5 yrs off that shit bro..for me..Im a lifetime addict..last 20 on heroin b4 I laid it all down..Proud of u man...Get thru today...fuck yesterday.
Can't see tomorrow..Peace n strength bro..
“A starry eyed boy never taught self control” is my favorite line from this song
Or “ so I held a needle like a gun in my hand” both really resonate with me very deep down.
Almost every line
Send me to hell with the rest of my friends
He actually sang this line as i read your comment.
"You can send me to hell with the rest of my friends", resonates very strongly with me, lost friends to drugs and suicide, always makes me think he's talking about them.
As an recovering addict this is probably one of the most powerful bunch of words I’ve ever heard
Same
Congrats guys, hope you’re still sober. I’m coming up on 60 days
This hits the feelers 😢
Same bro… 4 years clean and this hits hard.
You got this man
Unfortunately I just went back out, living lowdown and using again.. After 8 years clean. I'm stuck in Charleston and suppose to be going to rehab in Huntington beach. I hope I make it. I relate to every lost dog and Benjamin song as if he were singing of me. Somehow this keeps me going. Yall wish me luck.
Hey! I made it to California. I've been in rehab 1 1/2 months now. My girl left me after 4 years together and in love. All I got now is me, my sobriety, freedom to roam and these tunes. Yall wish me luck.
UPDATE!
4½ Months down the road and I got my own place in Huntington Beach and not using or Drinking! Great job and life's a little easier. I can smile now knowing i mase it all possible. I think back on writing this comment and damn was i in a bad bad, dark place in my life. Well Want to go see Lost dog if they get out this way. Later!
Good luck. You can do it.
Hey man, stay up and stay sober ... HB is a hard place to do so but I wish you nothin but the best down there bro.
Hhh
Stick it out buddy. You’ve got this
Wow dude! Congratulations my friend! I'm in Washington and have been through relapses and treatment up here so sort of know some of your experience. Thanks for sharing your success and good luck in the future.
As the mother of a heroin addict it saddens me to hear these words sung, yet I know deep in my heart that they are the very same words that my son sings when he plays his guitar and weeps softly in his darkest hours shared with the demons that haunt him. I wish that I could take away his pain.....and I wish that someone could take away mine.
God bless y'all I'm praying for you both.
god bless you both
Addiction is the devil,it wraps you up and holds you there. It's the hardest thing to break free from.
suzie bond I hope you both find your peace....I live in my own hell every day...I understand his pain. I wish it on no one
instagram.com/bluebaglife/
You might relate to this x
Addiction, Support, Health & Social Care, Prison, Recovery, Death, Love & Blue Bags
5 years clean and this song still hits like it was yesterday.
18 years meth free. This song still hits hard.
@@papapaul7940 Hang in there, Brother!
Seven years here. Scars feel like they bleedin'
but nope.
Stay safe comrades.
Found this song while looking for a metal band... Has already changed me. So good.
Hope you’re well, internet stranger.
After 26 years of addiction I am 60 days clean thank you for this song
Some music can change lives
I hope your still clean
Stay Save man
Joshua Haugen one day at a time, it never gets easier but it’s worth the fight 👍
Joshua Haugen stay strong brother!! Life can be shit most of time but just keep pushing forward. I don’t know you but I love you man
ODAAT
Hope your still there 6 months later! And if you’re not it’s never too late man. We’re all here rooting for you dawg
“held the needle like a gun in my hand”…60 days clean today. I just want to be done with the feelings spoke about in this song. I am so so tired of putting my soul through this pain. listened to this song 3 times in a row and still tearing up. I love all of y’all.
Damn, man! Congrats! Keep that shit up! That’s awesome, amigo
Hope you're still clean internet stranger.
Then he would have blown his arm off
I pray that you are still clean. u r worth loving yourself
Hope you're still clean my friend 66 days for me today.
my wife and I lost our youngest son to a drug overdose a year and a half ago. This song just popped up on a random playlist. I have listened to it 3 times already and it is tearing me apart. The truth in what I watched my son go through is layed out in words right here. As a musician I know how hard these songs are and I thank you for this one.
I'm sorry you had to go thru that, addiction is a horrible demon that I would not wish on the worsts person in the world.
Big love Steve!! My father was a heroin addict
i'm so sorry
my condolences
I'm so sorry for y'alls loss.
On the evening of July 28, 2010 my brother relapsed. A supposed friend gave him a hot shot and watched him die before calling emergency services. That afternoon I had talked to him and he asked if he could crash on my couch but I was out of town working and didn't want to bother my girlfriend.
He left a son behind who was to turn 8 yrs old 3 days later. I have since adopted him and am raising him as best as I can.
Very rarely do I hear a song that brings forth emotions so much. This damn song has fucked me up.
You are a great son, brother and father. Keep it up
Had a friend of mine hang himself about 2 and a half years ago. I still feel so god damned guilty. I saw his path, and turned my back instead of offering a hand. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you and your family are doing well.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I respect the hell outa you for raising the boy into a man.
Im so afraid of losing my brother. I also am using. Life is so hard sometimes.
That's a very touching story, and my heart goes out to you Brother.
"I wish I was who I appear, cause I despise the man in the mirror"
Shit hits home
agnostickamel it really does.
yeah the tears hit me at that one
The mask he made to cope with the life he loathes falls away with every one of his gut wrenching songs, the truth is more than most of us can haul around too long, I hope he fights the demons and reveals the truth we all need
I can surely relate, good sir.
agnostickamel i feel this song deeply. Been fighting addiction my whole life. Started playing guitar and this one is played alot. To all of us hell raisers, addicts, or recovering addicts. Alot of ppl can relate. Great song
The most powerful song I've ever heard in my 49 years. If this song doesn't make you feel something you might want to check your pulse......Haunting...
Agreed
I'm 48....clean since June 30th..off the herion..
@@williamwhiddon4494 how'd you finally kick it bro
If you’ve chased the dragon this song will make your soul cry
I knew his dealer in Asheville NC. Pregnant girl. He never stopped using. If you gave half a fuck Benjamin you would make it right with that girl. Her name starts with C
Currently in rehab and we got our phones back for Christmas, this is the first Christmas in 3 years that I’ve been sober, believe in yourself and you need to take that first step that is scaring you to death and reach out to somebody for help. Recovery is possible and real and it’s a hell of a lot better to be in a rehab on Christmas Day missing your family than it is to be on the streets dying and missing your family. Please love yourself and reach out
Love to hear it man stay strong!
I hope you find peace and serenity. Stay strong and stick with your recovery, you can make it through.
Absolutely. More power to you and we live through our connections. One team one dream 😍
Proud of you
Brandon M I hope your still sober!
If you’re reading this, you got this. Take control.
Thanks
Recently found out my best friend who recently committed suicide listened to this song and would sing the words out and cry to his girlfriend. LLJC 😇
Much love, thank you
I'm not sure
Hit me in the feels. So random but needed to hear it thanks brother or sister
You don't have to be an addict to live in the same dark place as Ben.
I can promise you that.
yes this is personal tragedy. Beautifully done.
So very true, my friend
This world is a dark place
That's exactly right Williamsjs10.
That is the truth. Self loathing isn't exclusive to addicts.
At 33 years old I was a full blown addict for 18 years, the verse holding a needle like a gun in my hand really hits home, i have now been sober 3 years living my best life with a wife and 2 beautiful kids and a great job. It gets better. Keep pushing. You got this! I love you all!
Stay strong brother.
I’ve been clean and sober 20yrs now , it can be done , great tune very relatable for this old addict , I’m 61 in 13 days .
52 but that's like the new 30 which makes you more like late 40's.
Keep up the good work Mr Willard!
@@Cletus1987 still clean :)
I’ve posted on this vid before but I wanted to come back and say I’ll have 4 years clean in December. Anytime I think about going back that shit, and that needle, and the tar I come back to this song just to remind myself what it is I’m planning. Thank you Benjamin Todd. You help more of us then you’ll ever know.
Amen brother, I'm staying strong here also. This songs has always helped me stay clean, even when I remember using to this very song feeling pretty useless. Now its an anthem of strength for me. God Bless
I'm a chronic relapser but I'm sitting here with a little over 10 months. It's songs like this that speak to me and help me remember the pain, it's songs like this that saves lives. Thank you
I'm almost 3 years clean keep going my friend life gets btr.
That's huge progress my friend be proud
finding this 3 months after, hope your still doing good
@Jeremy Fuller thanks for the encouragement but I've fallen off a little
You can do it! 8 years sober here. One day, One step, then the next. Focus on the goal.
Heard this song the first time almost 5 years ago and it still sends the same chills down my spine today it did the first time I heard it. Now after 21 years of addiction I'm finally free. 74 days and counting
I'm proud of you. Don't give up. You deserve it, and so do the people who love you.
Clean and sober for a 7 1/2 years. Wife, two beautiful girls, and a job. Currently crying on my couch. So many feels
I’m 48, let my 24 year old son listen to this. I look over at him and he has tears in his eyes. How can just A guitar and a voice bring two grown men to tears. Your songs touch both our hearts. I will rise and this song are our favorites. Thanks for sharing..
It just does ❤
Same ... Very much the same. Thank you for sharing that.
Hope he’s not using.
It's pure poetry.
Same age as your son was 2 years ago and I'm battling addiction and have done for 6 years. We will all get through it.
Too all of us in recovery congrats. I've lost friends and family to the hell. I've lost everything twice to it. I'm living in a shelter for homeless veterans but I am clean and sober and starting to rebuild.
Good luck ✌👍
And rebuild you will. Just a little at time my friend.
I've had a deep connection to this song since I first heard it years back now. I just read some of the comments., and I'm in tears, I love you all stay strong my misfit friends, I promise to do the same. THANKS IS ALL I CAN SAY!
I just cant stop the drinks, kicked everything by myself. Lapsed a few months ago but again I kick it. But I love some drinks and bullshitting, everyday I get closer and closer to being the man I wanma become. If Yous ever in georgia holler we can have a fun sober hangout! I have no friends just my dogs and thats the hardest part
@@saucerhead494 if you ever get to Northern Kentucky you're welcome to come hang out.
4 years clean, listened to this song so much when I was at my lowest point, now I play it and remember how I came from ashes, and now I'm out of the dark, anybody trying to find your way, we do RECOVER!!!
I’ve lived this so long... this is the first song that has made me cry in years
First song ever
I'm been off speed and opiates for 5 months, coke for 4 mo, and finally things are coming together. It's been 4 days since I smoked bud, and out of the blue, I got offered a job today with training and a company truck doing elevator repairs, making greater than median income.
I know the time I've been clean is not very long, but I did this without the intention of being sober...I just woke up one day and didnt like where I was at or the time I had wasted.
I grew up around NA/AA 12 step programs so I am very very familiar with addiction and the struggles. I was not ignorant about getting high, and I'm not going to be ignorant about sobriety either.
Keep on pushing people, it's up to us on how we want to deal with life. It's also up to us to accept the consequences of the life we've lived. The responsibility is ours to own.
I start work tomorrow. $1k sign on bonus, company vehicle first day, full benefits, $20 and hour and a $2 raise every 90days until you complete your elevator technicians journeymans license at 4yrs...capped off as a tech at $50 an hour...the company gives you a severance option to leave and start your own business or stay with then and get moved from a technician to an executive/management posistion.
Guys, I'm super stoked stoked. We just gotta keep pushing. I worked in the oilfield, was an Army medic for 8 yrs and got wounded so I had to leave the service, I worked as a licensed hvac tech and mechanic....just keep pushing and you'll make it.
Do what's right and what's right will happen to you!
Jobs going great! I love what I do and a company vehicle with a fuel card is nice as well. Ready to bring home 2018 and kickoff 2019 and keep climbing.
You mentioned not having much time under your belt. I feel in recovery it is not quantity, but quality of days clean that matters. Congrats
Still doing good. Got a $2 raise my first 3 weeks on the job. They've decided to keep me in my own service van riding solo, and I'm up for a large $5 raise in a few weeks. Things are going great GB or the most part still. Spending as much time with my daughters and being able to afford them the gifts, clothes, and good food they deserve has been an awesome feeling as well.
@@just_another_gearhead dude! Thats awesome!!
My boyfriend was found overdosed Thursday in our room he used to love this song and listened to it when he was sad I miss him so much I want to be with him again and hope to god he’s ok where he is now
Sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss it is a very tough road the one you will walk down from here. My husband passed away July 21st 2018 to a fentanyl overdose a he thought he was getting heroin he was given street fentanyl he never had a chance. He had just gotten out of prison was clean for 2 years I was able to overcome my demons my husband sadly never was. God-bless you I pray you find the peace you need to make it through the days
@@cynicalbeauty1980 I'm so sorry for your loss, I know you much miss him so much & I wish the same healing for you. It is a very lonely road..and sad so many others go down it. I wish somehow we can bring them back. But I do believe you will be together again!
@@karrencita1371 ♥️🙏🏻♥️
bless you
39 days clean and sober today. I just buried a good friend this week who lost his life to this disease… he’s who put me on to your music in the first place. Now I’m listening to you everyday and it’s truly helping me stay sober. Thank you Ben. Your a beacon of hope to people like me.
I'm living low down and I am using again
I'm hating my name cause I am cursed like my kin
And if I should see you before I am condemned
I hope you're deceived by the webs that I spin
I wish I was who I appear
'Cause I despise the man in the mirror
Lost deep inside of my dirty old soul
Some starry-eyed boy never taught self control
The cost of my living was more than I planned
So I held a needle like a gun in my hand
And I wish I was who I appear
Cause I despise the man in the mirror
The memories I've got torture my head
And I don't know God but I heard he was dead
And if I am wrong in judgement I stand
I will not repent cause I don't give a damn
You can send me to Hell with the rest of my friends
And I wish I was who I appear
Cause I despise the man in the mirror
I'm living low down and I am using again
-Benjamin Tod-
I like how he sings to God and constant looks up
Oh man is this the truth
@@elizabethdowling8578 like a fallen angel
Thank you
For those wondering what 11030 means... It's code for HOBO Travelers use it to mark safe spots for people such as on buildings and train cars. (place a horizontal line between the 1's and a vertical one by the 3)
I was literally sitting here wondering that as I scroll down and see your comment 🤯🤯🤯
Thank you I've always wondered.
Thanks! Funny cuz my son called himself the new American hobo and he didn't know that. RIP Jacob. Now we know.
Thanku
Lived next to tracks a few years. Fed a guy once and had em stop by all the time. Knew they had signals. Good guys all.
I lost my uncle a week ago. He was a slave to drugs and alcohol for most of his life. He finally beat back the addiction before he passed. He went peacefully. Remember the fights not over till you've won.
Victory is not what we chase, the fight is never won, because there's always another fight, already waiting - we chase peace and unfortunately, peace for guy's like me, come but one way and one way only...
@@diebebaardeverdamper9562 that's the cycle of thought . It deceives you. When you are ready you will know ...✌👍
The first time I heard this song was a few weeks out of prison and had just started shooting dope again the same day. It rattled me to my core and it was on repeat for weeks. It's amazing to sit here and listen to this today 4 years clean and sober. It was not coincidence that I found this song the day I started using again a few years back...
This song haunts me. It is the most honest and profound expression of addiction and relapse I've ever heard. Damn you and bless you Ben, for laying wide both our souls.
Well put.
I listen to this many times during a 24hr period. I can feel his music through my entire world. It amazes me like I'm seeing it for the 1st time everytime and tears pour freely behind the dark in all our lives
My brother passed away and this song is him to a tee. One of the last songs he left in my history on UA-cam and wish I heard it earlier, he was my bestfriend
Near Beer ♥️♥️♥️
He is still with you, in your soul
LYRICS
I’m living low down
And I’m using again
I’m hating my name
‘Cos I’m cursed like my kin
And if I should see you
Before I’m condemned
I hope you’re deceived
By the webs that I spin
I wish I was who I appear
‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror
Lost deep inside
Of my dirty old soul
Some starry eyed boy
Never taught self control
The cost of my living
Was more than I plan
So I held a needle
Like a gun in my hand
I wish I was who I appear
‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror
The memories I’ve got
Torture my head
And I don’t know God
But I heard he was dead
But if I am wrong
In judgment I stand
I will not repent
‘Cos I don’t give a damn
You can send me to hell
With the rest of my friends
I wish I was who I appear
‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror
I’m living low down
And I’m using again
Shady Side Projects thank you for this
Shady Side Projects thank u
Thank you
All true time to stop the pain
This song makes me FEEL so much. This October I'll be 4 years clean. Benjamin Todd has spoken to my dirty old soul. My old people are dying or being put in the system.... this man knows it all too well. Thank you, Benjamin, for understanding and knowing what life for people like us truly is.
Sincerely,
One of your biggest fans..
29 years of getting high and drinking has finally come to an end. I'm finally clean and sober. I truly relate to this song
From somebody who has buried my fair share of loved ones due to addiction I just want to say I am proud of you. Keep fighting the good fight!
yup i was 13 high and 12 sober ... 8/24/22 is 13 high 13 sober ... so i guess im 50% 50% but i wont ever touch fit/heroin ever again... its ppl like this thread that keeps me hopeful
32 yrs addict and a drunk. Im 9 days in.. but money is just around the corner. Its a tuff tuff battle..
@@DaysofNotty it is a battle. I've slipped a few times but got right back on track. I have an amazing treatment team at the VA I go to. My best advice is day by day. If that is too much take it minute by minute or hour by hour. Reach out. Meditate. Change these three things... People, places and things. Change the people you hang around, the places you go and the things you do. I had to move out of state to do it. But you got this. You took the right steps.
Moving nearly 3 years sober and it hits just as hard as if I'd been using yesterday.
Amen I heard this for the first time today.im a year and a half sober and the memories part hit really hard
To every recovering addict... I was there 17yrs ago!! I would've never made it out alive if it wasn't for my kids. I almost went back to using in 2008 when I had to bury my 6yr old son. During that time I fought many demons. Myself being the worst one to battle. I still have the casing from a 9mm that I tried to kill myself with. The bullet didnt go off & that is what finally broke me. I had to seek professional help & I had to fall on God. Anytime I question my worth, I pull that bullet that didnt go off out of my safe & tell myself I was spared for a reason. 12yrs has went by & I'm still sober. I'm here today to tell my story & the pain of the loss is bearable now. Dont give up!!
Wow, man. Congratulations on the sobriety. And thank you for sharing.
Stay strong, brother
I've got 18 years sober now. There several very good reasons why I shouldn't have lived to get sober. But God is fickle indeed and I'm very grateful.
God bless you! I'm still battling addiction and demons but I'm making small bit steady progress. I still get high but I'm handling my business and not just sitting at the bottom of the hole I dug wondering how I'll ever get out. I know now what I have to do and I'm doing it every day. The drugs have been such a crutch for me the past 11 years and this habit is gonna die hard, it just hope the habit dies before I do, I really value life and I don't wanna lose mine
@@danielmata7419 you'll make it out alive!! Keep the faith & fight the hardest opponent you'll ever battle.... YOURSELF!! Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're only human.
Im a recovering dope addict. Used to listen to this joint before i would use to ease the pain. Now i use this song for strength and support. Ben todd love you dawg
You can see his eyes the second time he says "because I despise the man in the mirror" as he holds back the flood, and man I feel that exact look.
I know that look.
I've had those eyes many times.
And you are loved, we do have purpose here even if we cant figure it out this time around.
Love is out there for all of us who have that look.
Headed to rehab soon. I hope it works this time.
Good luck
Prayers ive tried to do it myself but my brain beats me everytime
I hope with you, wish I could do more than just hope, you are better than this addiction..
Forgive yourself, and all will fall in place. Allow yourself to be happy
@@shawn654
Well put.
As a junkie 6 years clean I truly appreciate the beautiful form of expression ben has transformed a relatable modern pain into. With authentic American sound. THIS is culture. From homelessness myself in a shelter and on the needle to a college degree in electrical engineering. "We move at the speed of pain". Adversity breeds greatness.
I've been homeless on the streets smoking meth behind a grocery store in the middle of the night with no clue where my life was headed.
thankfully I have a home now. I'm actually doing a lot better than I have been in a long time, I got housing, I got my driver's license reinstated, and I'm back to work part time
Unfortunately I also started using meth again and I feel so terrible knowing I'm decieving my friends and family every time I mention that I'm still clean but I don't know how else to deal with my emotions, I have a personality disorder that makes me feel them way too intensely and meth and alcohol seem to be the only things that kind of help me forget or ignore them. Also music like this, it's all a recipe to help me relax and feel like a human again, cause sometimes I forget that I am actually a human 🤔
I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just high as a kite and feel like getting out some of what I'm feeling to strangers on the internet with the hopes that somebody will read what I have to say, it kind of validates me
@@danielmata7419 hope ur better Daniel, I'm homeless right now, I've been there
That's the kind of story that needs to be shared to new comers. I remember when I first started my journey to recovery. I thought, why try? It seemed impossible to get 1 day over without using. Let alone becoming anything more than an addict that has destroyed everything.
Financially I was bankrupt. Spiritually I was also bankrupt. I was broken and thought to myself I'll never be able to do anything more than chase my addiction. It was people like you sharing stories of how it's only too late if you never try. Going from homeless to college degree. Sharing how if you just keep pushing forward then there's no limit to what we can reach.
Much like you, I was also homeless and ended up becoming a process engineer. I try to share my story to those that need to know that it is possible to turn it around. Getting clean was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done, but people like you that tell your story of success is like throwing a rope to someone that is stuck in a hole.
Congratulations on getting and staying clean. I know, first hand, how difficult it truly is. Congratulations to becoming an electrical engineer. Please keep sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
I wanted to come back to this comment section because 1 year ago today I took my first step into recovery from alcohol and cocaine/meth addiction. This song is a reminder of who I used to be, the lies I used to tell, the mistakes I made and the lack of care that went with that. Thank you Benjamin, for putting a song out here for us addicts to relate to and to remind us what using does to us
This song has made me do more self reflection than I ever thought possible. When the words are capable of hitting a total stranger so deep, that he stops what hes doing and plays it over and over on repeat while thinking about his own life and his own choices, you know youre a talented singer/songwriter.
No one has done Benjamin more justice than GemsOnVHS. Blessed be.
This guy is probably one of the best songwriters i've heard
finalgirl11 check out Tyler Childers
Check out Townes van zandt
Adam Price goat
Benjamin Tod stands out as a beacon of genuine, raw talent in a world where such authenticity is increasingly scarce. His melodies have been a steadfast companion during my darkest moments, providing solace and understanding. The way his tunes resonate with my innermost emotions is a testament to his incredible gift. My admiration for him is profound, rooted in the sincere connection his music has fostered in my life.
This comment section make me cry and gives me hope. 94 days sober today
Stay strong💪
You got this.
Meetings and Higher Power. Lost my faith and relapsed. Sober 1 month. Find a meeting
I'm not one to cry listening to music. Especially stone-cold sober. I'm also not ashamed of it in this instance, because damn. Too relatable sir. I love it.
At 35 years old I've been an addict for over 20 years and I've felt every word of this song for every single one of them. I've been clean a handful of times, almost made it to the other side a couple times as well.. And right now just reading some of these comments may very well be the only thing saving my life.. Even so, it's difficult not to feel alone. I wish I could figure out how to stop hating myself.
Jared Abbott you’re not alone.
Your not alone just reach out... I'm 15 months clean and everyday is still hard still a struggle not to hate myself still don't feel like a normal person but being clean and striving for normalcy is something I want more than anything and I choose life and you can to so be strong and reach out to people who have been there and understand what your going through ❤
Brother, I’m not an addict, but I have family that is. I don’t know your struggle. But remember that someone loves you. I don’t know who that is, but if it has to be me, find me.
Hang in there brother. You are gonna make it. Just hang on
This song hits me hard. I was a degenerate, I was off my face 24/7, I would lie and steal from my friends and my family. Chemicals and powder were my demons and I’m clean 4 years! When I listen to this song it makes me proud of how far I’ve come as it makes me remember the person I use to be
Great job 👍 keep it up fam. We're proud of you too
you weren't anything but desperate ,you don't need to be down on yourself,this disease is brutal and you are not this disease ,clean your nothing like the disease
I'm going through it right now and I just curious how do I forgive myself for the shit things I do/done like I knows it's not me when I get sober I hate myself
The fact that this song is only 2:44 is torture...
So much emotion in such a short song
Dana Hubanks the best lessons don't take much time. Wish I could put this bottle down...
@@billygoatupnorth I'm young, mid 20-s. But i had been drinking since I was 14, and I got bad. At about 22. Id drink a fifth of soco or evan williams every day and at least a 30 pack throughout the day along with it. I used to be able to handle my alcohol really well. I could drink beer all day long and pace myself and not ever get drunk. But I just kept on drinking more and more. Finally I got to where I wanted to be really drunk and not feel any pain at all so I started drinking even more, going out and partying a lot and getting blacked out drunk. I got beligerant, I got suicidal. Over time, I started to become mean and hateful even when I wasnt drinking alcohol. I knew I had to change something but I wasnt strong enough to do it on my own. A few of my friends eventually brought it to my attention also, and I could tell they didnt want to have to say anything cuz they didnt know what I'd say or do, so I knew it really had to be a big deal for them go say something. I mean i was I was an alcoholic and usually drunk, so I can understand why they didnt want to say anything for a while, but I thank God they did. I was headed down a very dark road. I contemplated suicide every single day. I'd sit in my chair sometimes for hours with my pistol in my lap, wondering how in the world I could live without the alcohol to cover up my pain. I didnt think I would be able to live with the pain every day without the help of the alcohol, but I was absolutely wrong. In my case, when I stopped drinking alcohol, it forced me to learn how to cope with my problems and how to take a healthy approach toward fixing them. It was either that or spiral out of control downhill and turn right back toward alcohol and other crutches and I knew I couldn't do that again. I learned that it's much better for you and you're mindset to take your problems for what they are and accept that and try to find a healthy solution instead trying to cover them up. I couldn't just keep covering up the pain any more. I had to change something. And honestly, the longer you suppress those feelings and emotions you've been running from, the more you'll have to face when you do stop. I know it's scary, but bottom line is I thought 100% that I was not going to be able to ever live on this earth without consuming alcohol. I found out that I'm actually much better and mentally stronger because I did quit. At first it's hard cuz its new to you, but it does get easier I promise.
Sorry about rambling, just felt the need to share that with you. I wish you the best friend. 👋
It needs another verse
Dana Hubanks this brought a tear to my eye
I lost my baby sister to overdose this year. This song could be about her word for word. When I need to cry and grieve for her I listen to this. It's cathartic.
Sept 5th I will be 4 years sober and good lord this song gave me goosebumps
I just made it a year sober from the needle and a spoon a few days ago. My deepest sympathies and prayers for any and all those battling the sickness. You're all worthy of living a life worth living, don't give up.
"I wish I was who I appear, 'cause I despise the man in the mirror."
Ouch.
I know I feel like I could hardly play guitar if I felt that way, I would just be upset with myself.
I cried my eyes out when i heard this. I was bad on drugs and have been clean for 4 years but its a battle every day
Austin Parker great job. We need more people like us who will talk this over. And to show people we do recover.
Have a good time in life i hope u make it my dude
Never give up on it
Don't give up my friend. Sobriety at all costs....
Full blown opiate addict. Lost so many to drugs. Making progress tho. I’ve gone from falling off the wagon to just making a pit stop. And the trips get longer between the stops. Just trying to get where I don’t have to stop and ride on to that coast to watch that sunset. Regardless, it’ll be one hell of a trip. Happy Sunday morning to you all. Wishing peace, strength, and serenity to you all. Keep on trucking
How are ya doin this year bud?
Google how to detox from opiates using mega doses vitamin c.
Hell yeah man. That experience you just shared we have in common. Over 1 year clean now but it took 10 years of a slow upward trajectory and being lucky enough not to die each time I relapsed. I’ll keep you in my thoughts brother.
We love you Benjamin. Thank you from Kansas
I broke down while listening to this, all but 1 person (sadly not me) in my family are addicts recovering or otherwise. this hit home like nothin ever has. Thank you so much.
Thank you jbird.
Addicts are all I know, struggle on brother
Sobriety is obtainable....ive got 4 years sober. Keep your head up
Its been a year since youve left this comment. I hope youre still fighting addiction and on a path to recovery.
Eight months clean all my siblings and cousins are deeply gone as well
If you're reading this comment, you're here, you matter and you're worth it. The world wouldn't be the same without you. You are loved and cherished. ❤❤❤
The world would be a better place if I never existed
I was never addicted to anything, but I still feel the same darkness this man feels. I spent years of my life in the shadows, condemning myself without even a look at what I could be. Now I'm finishing school, getting a job, my license, and everything is falling in place.
Update: I failed school, but Im getting my GED next month, Im enlisted in the military, and afterwards Im starting my own business.
Did 9 years in the military. Good call man, it's life changing. As you grow older and look back.....The stories and memories you'll have. The people you meet while in service will become a part of your soul.
2 years clean listened to this a lot in the midst of crack addiction. Have a wife, and beautiful daughter now. I’m here to tell you music can save lives. God bless anyone else going through what I went through.
Beautifully written and sung, broke my heart in the most beautiful way. ♡
Beautifully put
Whiskey Wishes, Crackpipe Dreams
Beyond the reach of human range
a drop of hell, a touch of strange
Rock by rock I built a wall
never knowing how far I'd fall
One was always too little
One was always too much
One cost me everything
Even your touch
All my thoughts all arranged
All my mind all deranged
Reality leaving, going on it's way
Where it's gone I can't say
All the colors on the wheel
Can't describe just how it feels
To find the black and lose the light
Starless sky in an endless night
Once I could live and laugh, even cry
Now the hole in me only wonders why
All my joy has turned to sorrow
How long can I wait for tomorrow
If I should die before I wake
Will I still have a soul to take
If I live to see the day one big blast blows it all away
All the love my heart once felt
Listen to it sizzle, watch it melt
My world lost in the bitter smoke
Someone page the man that has the coke
Call him quick, let it ring
Ask him please won't he bring
A drop of hell, a touch of strange
Beyond the reach of human range
By Matt Watson, 1/28/00 The last day I used and the first day I promessed the mirror we would do better.
Any link to a recording of this?
This is Amazing
Well thats sounds like something that needs Bens voice singing it 😉
Thank you matt
Cocaine Is a hella of a drug
One week away from 4 years clean. It never gets easy, but it does get manageable. I needed to find this today. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Carson Volk That’s amazing. Good for you
This song always hits me hard. "I wish I was who I appeared." 18 months clean and still so relatable
I've been clean for 10 years. I started using when I was 16 and I lived with addiction for 8 years. I've felt what it's like to be rock bottom. I turned my back on my family who tried to help, I robbed people and places to get money to feed it. I've seen 3 people die because of the habit.. then one day a friend of my moms offered to help me. And I let her. She saved my life. I'm now 34, married with a 2 year old. And I work with people suffering from addiction. It's hard. But I promise you, it can be beaten
I was just 16 now im 30 my friends have died my familys broken and im still using. I want to die.
@@Albert_cough-man that's how it seems just yesterday was in high school now almost 30 seen close friends die but yet I still doing this never ending cycle. Just wanted to let u know I feel the same wft happened to this life of mine. 27 year old boy from Minnesota hating myself and using again
Great story, I never heroin addicts, lots of them a very good people that have slipped threw. God bless you
Stephen Williams - I’m a musician and was just showing this song to a friend, telling her that sometimes simple music can be really difficult to write because people focus more on the delivery and what’s being sang. BT performs with feeling and because of that, his audience is drawn in.
I live in a major city where heroin use is everywhere. I have lost way too many people to it. I’m going to a funeral on Sunday for a girl I was close with in high school. She was an awesome person, very friendly and down to earth, and very easy to talk to. She could make friends with a random person after talking with them for 10mins. I really knew her over 15 years ago, but we still caught up occasionally. She battled addiction and relapsed in June and she passed away a few days ago, almost 2 years to the day her husband OD’d. They’ve left 2 young boys behind and I can’t stop thinking about them.
I know we don’t know each other, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. My friend lost her battle, but it’s comforting knowing that someone, albeit a stranger on the internet, beat their demons. I hope you’re continuing to do well. Thanks again.
Pure, uncut fire. This tune has rattled me to my very core. 🙏
listen to it every day it hits hard af ... war inside of me.... is fire also
Played this over and over again in my uncles old office after he passed. This song haunts me like his memory. I know he wouldn’t have been proud of who I was back then, but he’d be proud of me now. 3 years sober, and I keep his ashes on my living room shelf to remind myself to do things that would make him proud of me every day.
The way Benjamin looks up at 1:29 says so much. This man sings from the heart
yep
I seen this to and thought of my nephew Greg who battles this demon too.I felt this man's words been using sice 93
Is this the arron I know that lived in bama?
I love those irish vocal slides and the story of the way he sings them can only be sung by someone who lived them or lived around them. this i know.
I've got 3 months clean, been battling addiction for 9 years, 6 inpatients, and longest I've ever been clean was a little over a year. I would've died this last time out if I didn't have a newborn son.. but I heard this at work and I've been playing it on repeat. And crying haha. This song hurts my soul in the most beautiful way.
Heard this live today in LA. This song helped me a lot when I was struggling with addiction. 4 years later and I’m 14 months sober and finally got to hear it live. God bless you Ben
Some voices have the ability to pierce the soul. Here’s one of those.
I had the opportunity to share this song and a beer with a brother of mine just a few months before he took his own life... I play this video sometimes and replay that day in my head ... I miss my friend... Please... if you think life is heavy and there's nothing left... Reach out to someone... I guarantee you'll find help if you just ask
This is a masterpiece.
I just got out of rehab. a buddy showed me this dude while I was in there. I can't get enough of it
This is faith, I've never heard a more well put together song lyrically or emotionally...this is a masterpiece I cannot describe in words how this song is a cure for many who create their own cancer. God bless this artist and his fans.
you dont know me, but your music impacts me. i literally play ur songs every day. dont let them songs be just memories of an old soul brother whos heart and mind at one time hummed them dirty beautiful hymns that reached my soul.
Luke Benoche that is very perfectly said
Jason Wehunt thank you sir. all credit is due to this man, you dont gotta be southern to feel and hear the conviction in his voice. However probably helps i was raised in Tennessee.
You are very right on that. I have listened to all the old hank and Waylon stuff and a lot hank 3. but this guy has something here. it is good to see people who actually are living thru really tough times in their lives not these country pop kids who have no real clue about real struggles.
Jason Wehunt hell yeah brother. sun rise to sun set, we soldier on.
I'm from N.Y. and I can hear it
Ben is the most genuine entertainer I have ever heard... Very powerful song.
I look at everything I've gained in the past 7 years since finding sobriety, 3 beautiful children, a loving wife a great, job, but still when I look in the mirror I can feel this song to my core.
A powerful song!! I've experienced this state of mind most of my life, putting on a front that everything's OK but in reality your a strung out miserable suicidal depressed mess. This song captures that perfectly!
I’ll be dammed, this guy sings songs straight from my life .
God I miss you so much Justin.
So many times I sat there strung out needle in my arm in tears listening to this song. But today being sober it reminds me of what use to be and how far I’ve come.
you got this friend! If you ever need someone random to reach out to, just reply to this comment
This song will always make me think of my brother who overdosed on Thanksgiving, I'm sure this is how he felt. Love Lost Dog Street Band. Every song. ♡ thank you for the music you make.
Haunting. Beautiful. Undeniable pain. Unbelievable talent.
Thank you for this .
Truly.
From,
All of Us waging the battle
I feel like Ben is telling my story. Street punk, trains, addiction, loss.
Listening to these songs busts my heart open over and over. There is medicine for broken souls in Ben's music and even though I'm sitting here crying by myself I will keep listening and somehow feel not so alone.
60 days clean/dry today! I’ve noticed I don’t get invited to things by my friends anymore but your music has helped me so much, thank you from the bottom of my heart Ben!
Keep it going 💪
@@aaronvancleve5483 thank you! It means a ton!
Stay strong brother. They may be your friends forever but they may not be the friends you need right now. Me, you, and our friends all have vices and we solve our own problems in our own time. Pray their time will come soon. Be blessed, your not alone