This! Although one person can't meet all your needs if all your village is only taking and not giving and that includes emotional support then it can be really exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining. One sided relationships are not fun nor are relationships including friendships you keep shallow to prevent others from severely dissapointing you 😭😭. Sometimes it's really hard. I mean we are in a lonely epidemic so that makes it even harder to meet new ppl and make better connections.
Same. I am open and enjoy conversation, getting to know people. I find many people aren't open. Social anxiety, suspicious because of how they've been treated. It seems like they are wanting proof that you're a good person without reciprocity, to show you the same consideration. I have extended invitations that are responded to, initiated conversations that get a reply. However if I don't make the initiative, they don't. I committed to myself - no more one-sided relationships. It is challenging.
Yes that's also been my experience. I guess everyone is just so overwhelmed that they just want the light stuff, so when we need to talk about or ask for help they frequently aren't up for it, I . And it's Dissapoiinting. And lonely. 😢
This!!! That's what's frustrating to me. I need to be everyone's sounding board, therapist, moved, and when I need help (maybe 3-4 times a year) they're GONE. Every single time. Ghosts for weeks or months until they know the problem is solved OR they need me again. It makes me resentful and makes the relationship feel one sided.
@@melissaurbain4717I know just what you mean. People disappearing when you need them the most and when they come back they don't even ask about difficult situation you were up against just act like nothing happened and no time has passed and talk about themselves. Maddening. And then I feel like disappearing too.
Thank you! I love this. I have a hard time asking for help to satisfy my needs. I grew up learning to deal with my emotions on my own. I was taught to not have needs and to not ask for help. So now, i struggle asking for help because i feel weak (and stupid) and believe that my needs aren’t important. It’s challenging, but i know i have to untangle this unhealthy belief.
Same here-and recognizing for me that I just don’t want to bother people because I ultimately feel I guess unworthy of their attention. I guess the core belief is “I don’t really matter” or “I’m not good enough to be care for” or something like that, sending ❤
This whole community should have its own app or something like we could all be friends and share support and understanding and make new connections and even enhance the possibility to find PEOPLE THAT HELP US MEET OUR NEEDS!💫🖤
Very comfortable, self-aware and communicative about my needs early on and upfront. those that fail to meet them simply don't deserve access to me at all. Of course we all have moments where we have to focus on something else, but I learned that this the hard way. Better to be forever alone than with a partner that has no interest or makes no effort to meet my needs, cause I'm a giver and do everything for them.
@@Diane_McDon “extreme introvert” is a trauma response and we still need connection even if it is in a more hands off way than extroverts. Complete isolation is damaging to the human psyche. That’s why prisoners or torture victims get isolated as a punishment. Infants get ill and even die without touch & connection.
i thought i was getting somewhere with this but i still can’t even say the phrase ‘i need…’ my life has changed a lot this past month with a second job. i have been on my own since 16 and navigating life has been really hard. i need support and closeness from people but i don’t know how to ask or who. i’m so afraid of crossing someone else’s boundary. theres nowhere i really fit. i’m just an extra. lots of people don’t have a family so i just get mad at myself for being so confused and not knowing how to get what i need. this probably doesn’t make sense so i apologize. i had a rough day… thank you for the information and for listening. i hope it starts getting better
There’s a book called Non-Violent Communication which had ‘Would it be possible..’maybe that might be a softer introduction to looking to meet your needs
Other people are responsible for communicating their boundaries to you. It's a two way, no mind reading, street. I hope you find the courage to ask for what you need.
I learned from this video is to take note if the person told on your needs cannot meet them. Thank you for that. This way I'll know when to reparent or practice self compassion
Yeah. That's a big point that I sat up and listened to, particularly when it is exactly the sort of things she mentioned. I need help around the house stood out!
This was beyond helpful as I’m in a time in my life where I’m ready and needing to set some serious boundaries. I’m not opening myself up to others anymore especially if they constantly show that they don’t want me in there life, I will not be available when you have a need and then don’t make time for my needs.
I have no clue how to get my needs met. I've been very vocal most my life people didn't listen or don't care. I try to not need anyone. I'm struggling with making meaningful connections with others, I strongly dislike being burdensome
That's rough but it sounds like it's the ppl around you. If you are asking for your needs to be met as in a verbal request and they refuse to do anything then they aren't your ppl. This is assuming that your needs are not extreme and hinge on controlling other people's behaviors. It could also be the case that maybe they are not in the right mental space to show up for you. Idk these ppl so not sure what circumstances they are going through but either way it sounds bad if you're saying you feel like your needs never get met. You are not a burden. If that's your fear you can always seek therapy so if your needs get to dire you have a professional to help you. Regardless it might help to look into therapy even if it's just to understand why you seem to surround yourself with ppl who only take. As Taylor said, you know your love should be celebrated (not tolerated).
What about the people who don't have anyone but themselves... how in the world do you even find friends and build supportive community? I think that is a huge problem today.
I know what you mean. I'm 31 years old, and I've never had a girlfriend, and I've never had a friend. It really affects my mental health, and it's really isolating... The best thing I've found that's helped me not to be severely depressed as I usually am is to get control of your life and change your life. And that might look like taking up a new hobby going on a trip learning something new reading books discovery And being curious as to why one's life is the way it is.
@jqthegirl it's not so easy putting oneself out there. People have gf and bf and don't care to have friends beyond just intimate relationships with their bf or gf.
@@Regionia what do you want? Staying alone is not easy. Finding friends is not easy. You just expect life is easy to you. The problem is you! Change yourself.
Very helpful. I find it hard to understand my needs. When I do understand, I suppress them. I think that's the reason. Because when you don't listen to someone or something they eventually stop talking to you.
You’re such a brilliant teacher - breaking down these concepts into laypeople terms and giving various examples is so helpful. I would love to start seeing this kind of psychoeducation and emotional and interpersonal content as part of mainstream schooling curriculum 💭
I think that's a super fantastic idea. Teaching children how to handle getting their needs met will probably help with abuse and violence, and maybe even poverty! GREAT IDEA!
All good points! Yes, you have to know how to meet your own needs! Communication with your partner will help understand each other's needs! Express what is needed & not needed, so there are no guessing games! Sometimes circumstances such as long distance have to be treated differently than face to face! Same Love & understanding is needed!❤❤❤
I've been independent all my life and it's so hard to ask or look for support. I lost my job and my car broke down. I'm stuck and ready to give up. I don't know where to turn. Only God is my strength.
Your comment touched my heart because I understand these feelings... I want to remind you and myself of other times where in unexpected ways... When it looked hopeless... God worked it out...still I have situations that happen which cause me fear ...hang in my sister and I'm here if you need to talk... 🫂🙏
I'm absolutely not comfortable asking to meet my needs. I'm learning to, but this is so difficult and scary. Especially, when trying to voice your emotional needs to an explosive and immature parent. I hope I'll get there, but I'm having a really hard time with this.
Whatever age you are well done to you, showing such courage with what you're trying to do ❤ I was in my 30s before I told my mom that she had never met nothing but the bare essential needs and that I was sick of her behaviour, it was so hard. I'm in my 40s now and still haven't managed it with my energy vampire, with somewhat narcissistic traits dad. So hats off to you whether you are an adult or not. Sometimes when it gets heated just walk away try again another time good luck and god bless you ❤
This was very helpful. I’m getting better at asking for what I need, but still lots of room to grow as this is a newer skill. Thank you for your important work 💗
I see now when you ask for help with some work, sometimes you are actually asking for an emotional need because you feel unsupported and/or overwhelmed. I see how I feel overwhelmed especially when I ask for help and the person wants to use me for the help they give to get their needs met.
It totally sucks. I try staying away from people who are like that. I’ve been told before by someone who did not know me well enough that I needed to give people a chance. I was already doing that, but no one seemed to give me a chance. It’s definitely hard to find the right people to do just that. Where it takes two to tango, so to speak.
How do i meet those needs when i have no one else in my life? Like how do i meet my own emotional needs without having to deal with or depend on other people?
@afondren6 You asked my question! Yes, so far the assumption is that there is somebody to turn to, and that just isn't the case for everyone. So my thought is, community, but you have to be in a location that you feel there are other people near by who have something in common with you. You need to form your own tribe, but again, as in my situation, I'm in the wrong location and actually feel I need to move to another place where their are people that I can relate to, and have things in common with. 😊
Great video! Thanks for walking us through this. What if you asked for your needs to be met, and the other person was like, "no, I have no capacity to meet your needs at the moment." And you get triggered by the rejection. What do you do?
I feel deep down that human needs put burdens on others. Therefore, the more I can arrange to get my needs met through my own actions, the more respect I show to others. I should only ask others to take up a part of my burden as a last resort, and by rights I ought to prepare some way to reciprocate. In making such last resort requests, I don't see why my feelings should be discussed at all in connection with the matter.
We are social creatures. We evolved this way. That's how we live in large societies, somehow have families, get food, have our stone handaxe sharpened. Not everyone can do all of the things it takes to support human life. Think of our ridiculously long childhoods when we are incapable of doing for ourselves. We need caregivers. Our caregivers need to work, so we have grandparents or another person care for our young while adults get and prepare food, shelter, clothing. It doesn't matter what you think, this is how it is. Evolutionary biology doesn't care about your opinion. But if you mean you have to give in order to get, yeah. Generally. We have somehow retained the DNA for myopia, for example. Extreme short-sightedness. I can't see more than eight inches in front of my face. But I'm really good: tying knots, doing detailed close work, etc, while everyone else my age has reading glasses. But even more extreme physical and mental issues persist. We all must have been valued, at least enough to live to baby-making age, then had someone to care for our baby. It is written in our DNA to help others, that's why people who cannot imagine what others feel are repellent to us. What you're talking is some ill-informed Nietchean crap from the 19th century. Communication is the thing that lets everything happen. The people of Rome needed clean water and to drain their swamps, so they got really good at hydroengineering, together, over time. If you're afraid of communicating what you need, that's probably your parents speaking through your or Ayn Rand, which you need to deal with.
@TrebuzibdNysuc-cn6fp could it be that you feel unworthy, and that you don't trust others with your needs. I know sometimes I have a hard time trusting people, and letting go of all the control.
@@rockingredpoppy9119 Correct on both counts. And I don't trust people to see me as worthy of asserting high-level needs. I don't trust people to walk the walk after they say all the pretty things to make themselves feel like they care.
I like to journal or do a little voice recording where I just vent. Sometimes I’ll even rewind and play the recording back and hearing myself talk about the issue just makes it seem less daunting and more understandable. I’ve also developed a deeper appreciation for myself and my thought process by taking the time to literally listen to myself lol. I think having a therapist to talk to weekly helps too. Not saying this is what you should do, just wanted to share what was helpful for me.
Thank you for all the amazing work that you do! ❤ These are such practical day-to-day examples on how to deal with important issues. However, they are all based on getting help from others. I often struggle with getting my practical needs met, since I am single, live by myself, and family and friends are often far away or too busy with their own lives to "take out my trash because I am overwhelmed". Any suggestions? How do other people do this?
I have friends who are plenty "nice"...but due to their history...are not necessarily emotionally safe to speak with about my real feelings. I feel like this is a huge problem that goes un-noticed & unattended. Being with them is like eating junk food...fine for the moment, but you don't feel well, afterwards, or if you have anything emotionally distressing happening in your life. Often they seem addicted to "positivity"...which to me is a big no no...as this discounts the reality of emotional distress.
I have definitely been the other friend who wants things to be positive. In my opinion positivity or negativity is someone's safe space. After an event someone people want to go back to being negative, and some people want to go back to being positive. Those two cannot get along. They repel each other. Negative people look for fellow negative PPL to find comfort and relatability in. And the good vibes wanna look for fellow good vibes cheerful PPL. It's not ur fault or the others. It's just incompatibility.
I don't know how the folks saying this is using others think the Pyramids got built or we went to the Moon. Or even survived this long to become the dominant species on the planet. But it's so essential to humanity that we would not even have language if expressing a need were not biologically necessary for survival. Other animals have social structures and ways of communicating.
Love your videos! Thank you for bringing clarity around those topics! It sounds like you’re reading prompts? It doesn’t sound very natural at times when you talk and i have to focus more than I would normally to understand your point :) that’s the only thing I would say that’s not awesome about your video ❤
How do we find people we can authentically connect to? I feel trapped within my family and have been using alcohol to cope. I don’t know how to end the cycle😞
@@FriskyTendervittles the difference between you and me is that, with help, you might connect with one and you'd be fulfilled whereas if I would truly be myself in a neurotypical community I'd get rejected.
One thing that was an eye opener for me that mentally healthy people.want to be helpful (within their capacities of course). By asking for help, you are giving them the opportunity to be helpful. The problem begins when you expect other people or even this one other person to just make EVERYTHING alright for you. Those are unreasonable requests.
The way you explain getting your needs met by other people sounds like emotional cheating or otherwise just "using" people to me, but maybe I'm just avoidant.
What if you're not in a relationship or if it's your parents that are the ones giving the emotional needs? Even if your are in a relationship and you need emotional support regarding that partner? Would you still see those as emotional cheating? Just throwing the question out there, not attacking your comment.
@@sspencer4036 My answers to all of those questions is yes. The only reason I don't feel bad about my mother offering me help (anymore) is because she has made it clear that supporting me is her number one priority and it brings her fulfillment. I still see it as using her, although she is a willing participant. If I "need" emotional support regarding my partner and we are not able to resolve it solely between each other, then our conflict resolution is lacking and I might need to consider moving on. I don't "need "anyone else's opinion on my partner to decide that. The fundamental issue is the word "need" -- as if something awful will happen if I don't reach out for assistance. The worst that could happen at the very extreme is that I die, which has not been a major concern of mine for quite some time. I generally fear relying on others more than my own demise because at least if I fail, I have the peace of knowing that it was my own fault and not anyone else's... welcome to avoidant attachment.
@@aywancfc It's when your partner chooses to confide in other people instead of you. It's especially pernicious when you are the subject that they are confiding in someone else about, and they don't bother bringing any of these matters directly to you.
I’m fairly self aware and able to ask for what I need. I find the problem is finding people who are able to fulfil those needs.
This! Although one person can't meet all your needs if all your village is only taking and not giving and that includes emotional support then it can be really exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining. One sided relationships are not fun nor are relationships including friendships you keep shallow to prevent others from severely dissapointing you 😭😭. Sometimes it's really hard. I mean we are in a lonely epidemic so that makes it even harder to meet new ppl and make better connections.
Same. I am open and enjoy conversation, getting to know people. I find many people aren't open. Social anxiety, suspicious because of how they've been treated. It seems like they are wanting proof that you're a good person without reciprocity, to show you the same consideration. I have extended invitations that are responded to, initiated conversations that get a reply. However if I don't make the initiative, they don't. I committed to myself - no more one-sided relationships.
It is challenging.
Ding ding ding 🛎
Same here
Yes that's also been my experience. I guess everyone is just so overwhelmed that they just want the light stuff, so when we need to talk about or ask for help they frequently aren't up for it, I . And it's Dissapoiinting. And lonely. 😢
@choosetruthalways7995 😢
I have asked and got ignored. It is " Amazing" how one can be there for several others and then... Poof They are Gone when you need help.
This!!! That's what's frustrating to me. I need to be everyone's sounding board, therapist, moved, and when I need help (maybe 3-4 times a year) they're GONE. Every single time. Ghosts for weeks or months until they know the problem is solved OR they need me again. It makes me resentful and makes the relationship feel one sided.
@@melissaurbain4717I know just what you mean. People disappearing when you need them the most and when they come back they don't even ask about difficult situation you were up against just act like nothing happened and no time has passed and talk about themselves. Maddening. And then I feel like disappearing too.
Thank you! I love this. I have a hard time asking for help to satisfy my needs. I grew up learning to deal with my emotions on my own. I was taught to not have needs and to not ask for help. So now, i struggle asking for help because i feel weak (and stupid) and believe that my needs aren’t important. It’s challenging, but i know i have to untangle this unhealthy belief.
Yes exactly my childhood experience... Hard to untangle from that program. 😢
Same here-and recognizing for me that I just don’t want to bother people because I ultimately feel I guess unworthy of their attention. I guess the core belief is “I don’t really matter” or “I’m not good enough to be care for” or something like that, sending ❤
This whole community should have its own app or something like we could all be friends and share support and understanding and make new connections and even enhance the possibility to find PEOPLE THAT HELP US MEET OUR NEEDS!💫🖤
Like a Tinder kinda thing, also.. lol
I was just on her website she has a ' SelfHealer Community' sounded good. it is subscription based, monthly or yrly i believe
She’s got an Instagram !
It's called ACA. look it up
Very comfortable, self-aware and communicative about my needs early on and upfront. those that fail to meet them simply don't deserve access to me at all. Of course we all have moments where we have to focus on something else, but I learned that this the hard way. Better to be forever alone than with a partner that has no interest or makes no effort to meet my needs, cause I'm a giver and do everything for them.
It is important to have People around you. You Will feel way better. ❤
❤❤ good luck🎉🎉 0:31
@5150Targeted Agreed! I feel like I'm in isolation season every other year! Everyone needs some type of community.
Unless you’re an extreme introvert.😃
❤ It's true
@@Diane_McDon “extreme introvert” is a trauma response and we still need connection even if it is in a more hands off way than extroverts. Complete isolation is damaging to the human psyche. That’s why prisoners or torture victims get isolated as a punishment. Infants get ill and even die without touch & connection.
Thank you. It relieves my burden of feeling like my worth is only found in how I can meet other's needs .
i thought i was getting somewhere with this but i still can’t even say the phrase ‘i need…’
my life has changed a lot this past month with a second job. i have been on my own since 16 and navigating life has been really hard. i need support and closeness from people but i don’t know how to ask or who. i’m so afraid of crossing someone else’s boundary. theres nowhere i really fit. i’m just an extra. lots of people don’t have a family so i just get mad at myself for being so confused and not knowing how to get what i need.
this probably doesn’t make sense so i apologize. i had a rough day…
thank you for the information and for listening. i hope it starts getting better
❤❤❤
You are not a burden
No, we get it.
There’s a book called Non-Violent Communication which had ‘Would it be possible..’maybe that might be a softer introduction to looking to meet your needs
Other people are responsible for communicating their boundaries to you. It's a two way, no mind reading, street. I hope you find the courage to ask for what you need.
I learned from this video is to take note if the person told on your needs cannot meet them.
Thank you for that. This way I'll know when to reparent or practice self compassion
Yeah. That's a big point that I sat up and listened to, particularly when it is exactly the sort of things she mentioned. I need help around the house stood out!
This was beyond helpful as I’m in a time in my life where I’m ready and needing to set some serious boundaries. I’m not opening myself up to others anymore especially if they constantly show that they don’t want me in there life, I will not be available when you have a need and then don’t make time for my needs.
Yes! Exactly!
Completely understandable
I have no clue how to get my needs met. I've been very vocal most my life people didn't listen or don't care. I try to not need anyone. I'm struggling with making meaningful connections with others, I strongly dislike being burdensome
I might as well have written this. Solidarity.
That's rough but it sounds like it's the ppl around you. If you are asking for your needs to be met as in a verbal request and they refuse to do anything then they aren't your ppl. This is assuming that your needs are not extreme and hinge on controlling other people's behaviors. It could also be the case that maybe they are not in the right mental space to show up for you. Idk these ppl so not sure what circumstances they are going through but either way it sounds bad if you're saying you feel like your needs never get met. You are not a burden. If that's your fear you can always seek therapy so if your needs get to dire you have a professional to help you. Regardless it might help to look into therapy even if it's just to understand why you seem to surround yourself with ppl who only take.
As Taylor said, you know your love should be celebrated (not tolerated).
What about the people who don't have anyone but themselves... how in the world do you even find friends and build supportive community? I think that is a huge problem today.
I know what you mean. I'm 31 years old, and I've never had a girlfriend, and I've never had a friend. It really affects my mental health, and it's really isolating... The best thing I've found that's helped me not to be severely depressed as I usually am is to get control of your life and change your life. And that might look like taking up a new hobby going on a trip learning something new reading books discovery And being curious as to why one's life is the way it is.
Make some friends
@jqthegirl it's not so easy putting oneself out there. People have gf and bf and don't care to have friends beyond just intimate relationships with their bf or gf.
@@Regionia what do you want? Staying alone is not easy. Finding friends is not easy. You just expect life is easy to you. The problem is you! Change yourself.
Practice self care. Love it
Very helpful. I find it hard to understand my needs. When I do understand, I suppress them. I think that's the reason. Because when you don't listen to someone or something they eventually stop talking to you.
You’re such a brilliant teacher - breaking down these concepts into laypeople terms and giving various examples is so helpful.
I would love to start seeing this kind of psychoeducation and emotional and interpersonal content as part of mainstream schooling curriculum 💭
I think that's a super fantastic idea. Teaching children how to handle getting their needs met will probably help with abuse and violence, and maybe even poverty!
GREAT IDEA!
Wow. I can see now how my best friend in highschool (autistic) & myself (HSP) really got along now.
Hmm 🤔 what do you mean, if you don’t mind me asking
Takes recognizing my true emotions of situations to formulate a need. Slow work. 😮💨🙏🕊️
I know what you mean ❤ it’ll get easier the more you do it!
All good points! Yes, you have to know how to meet your own needs! Communication with your partner will help understand each other's needs! Express what is needed & not needed, so there are no guessing games! Sometimes circumstances such as long distance have to be treated differently than face to face! Same Love & understanding is needed!❤❤❤
You share fantastic info. Thanks!
I've been independent all my life and it's so hard to ask or look for support. I lost my job and my car broke down. I'm stuck and ready to give up. I don't know where to turn. Only God is my strength.
Your comment touched my heart because I understand these feelings... I want to remind you and myself of other times where in unexpected ways... When it looked hopeless... God worked it out...still I have situations that happen which cause me fear ...hang in my sister and I'm here if you need to talk... 🫂🙏
@@ravenraven966 thank you. God bless you
❤❤❤❤❤ 😢 Noo
Me too.. I've started small, learning to ask and make sure I'm building safe trusting relationships, is my focus
Asking for help is like an imposter syndrome nightmare...your words bring clarity and logic to challenging topics. Thank you for your clear examples!!
This video is really giving me some perspective. Thankyou so much😊
I'm absolutely not comfortable asking to meet my needs. I'm learning to, but this is so difficult and scary. Especially, when trying to voice your emotional needs to an explosive and immature parent. I hope I'll get there, but I'm having a really hard time with this.
Whatever age you are well done to you, showing such courage with what you're trying to do ❤
I was in my 30s before I told my mom that she had never met nothing but the bare essential needs and that I was sick of her behaviour, it was so hard.
I'm in my 40s now and still haven't managed it with my energy vampire, with somewhat narcissistic traits dad.
So hats off to you whether you are an adult or not. Sometimes when it gets heated just walk away try again another time good luck and god bless you ❤
@@emmacooper2049 thank you
This was very helpful. I’m getting better at asking for what I need, but still lots of room to grow as this is a newer skill.
Thank you for your important work 💗
It’s all about the presentation and how we ask for help.
Be clear and direct.
I’m learning to ask for help.
Thank you!
I never asked my father for help because he used me to give something to him instead of giving to me with real help.
I am just simply crying.
This whole speech fits me. Needed beyond words like thank you. THANK YOU.
Thank you for such practical, reasonable advise.
Love this lady. 🤗
I see now when you ask for help with some work, sometimes you are actually asking for an emotional need because you feel unsupported and/or overwhelmed. I see how I feel overwhelmed especially when I ask for help and the person wants to use me for the help they give to get their needs met.
It totally sucks. I try staying away from people who are like that. I’ve been told before by someone who did not know me well enough that I needed to give people a chance. I was already doing that, but no one seemed to give me a chance. It’s definitely hard to find the right people to do just that. Where it takes two to tango, so to speak.
These are all very helpful Im getting better at saying no and just saying what I need. Thank you.
How do i meet those needs when i have no one else in my life? Like how do i meet my own emotional needs without having to deal with or depend on other people?
@afondren6 You asked my question! Yes, so far the assumption is that there is somebody to turn to, and that just isn't the case for everyone. So my thought is, community, but you have to be in a location that you feel there are other people near by who have something in common with you. You need to form your own tribe, but again, as in my situation, I'm in the wrong location and actually feel I need to move to another place where their are people that I can relate to, and have things in common with. 😊
Connect with others. Meet new people. Even chatting in comments on yt! ❤
Thank you for this! it was very helpful
Really really desperate for intimacy with a girl, for years, found this vid today, thanks.
Great video! Thanks for walking us through this. What if you asked for your needs to be met, and the other person was like, "no, I have no capacity to meet your needs at the moment." And you get triggered by the rejection. What do you do?
Self compassion
This is fantastic
I feel deep down that human needs put burdens on others. Therefore, the more I can arrange to get my needs met through my own actions, the more respect I show to others. I should only ask others to take up a part of my burden as a last resort, and by rights I ought to prepare some way to reciprocate.
In making such last resort requests, I don't see why my feelings should be discussed at all in connection with the matter.
We are social creatures. We evolved this way. That's how we live in large societies, somehow have families, get food, have our stone handaxe sharpened. Not everyone can do all of the things it takes to support human life. Think of our ridiculously long childhoods when we are incapable of doing for ourselves. We need caregivers. Our caregivers need to work, so we have grandparents or another person care for our young while adults get and prepare food, shelter, clothing. It doesn't matter what you think, this is how it is. Evolutionary biology doesn't care about your opinion. But if you mean you have to give in order to get, yeah. Generally. We have somehow retained the DNA for myopia, for example. Extreme short-sightedness. I can't see more than eight inches in front of my face. But I'm really good: tying knots, doing detailed close work, etc, while everyone else my age has reading glasses. But even more extreme physical and mental issues persist. We all must have been valued, at least enough to live to baby-making age, then had someone to care for our baby. It is written in our DNA to help others, that's why people who cannot imagine what others feel are repellent to us. What you're talking is some ill-informed Nietchean crap from the 19th century. Communication is the thing that lets everything happen. The people of Rome needed clean water and to drain their swamps, so they got really good at hydroengineering, together, over time. If you're afraid of communicating what you need, that's probably your parents speaking through your or Ayn Rand, which you need to deal with.
@TrebuzibdNysuc-cn6fp could it be that you feel unworthy, and that you don't trust others with your needs. I know sometimes I have a hard time trusting people, and letting go of all the control.
@@rockingredpoppy9119 Correct on both counts. And I don't trust people to see me as worthy of asserting high-level needs. I don't trust people to walk the walk after they say all the pretty things to make themselves feel like they care.
Great video explaining a very relatable issue clearly. Thank you 🙏 ❤
How Can i meet my own needs when thé others can't do that ???
Good question
I like to journal or do a little voice recording where I just vent. Sometimes I’ll even rewind and play the recording back and hearing myself talk about the issue just makes it seem less daunting and more understandable. I’ve also developed a deeper appreciation for myself and my thought process by taking the time to literally listen to myself lol. I think having a therapist to talk to weekly helps too. Not saying this is what you should do, just wanted to share what was helpful for me.
You have to be willing to reciprocate.
Thank you for all the amazing work that you do! ❤ These are such practical day-to-day examples on how to deal with important issues. However, they are all based on getting help from others. I often struggle with getting my practical needs met, since I am single, live by myself, and family and friends are often far away or too busy with their own lives to "take out my trash because I am overwhelmed". Any suggestions? How do other people do this?
Very helpful
Thank you very much
And very good timing
I have friends who are plenty "nice"...but due to their history...are not necessarily emotionally safe to speak with about my real feelings. I feel like this is a huge problem that goes un-noticed & unattended. Being with them is like eating junk food...fine for the moment, but you don't feel well, afterwards, or if you have anything emotionally distressing happening in your life. Often they seem addicted to "positivity"...which to me is a big no no...as this discounts the reality of emotional distress.
I have definitely been the other friend who wants things to be positive. In my opinion positivity or negativity is someone's safe space. After an event someone people want to go back to being negative, and some people want to go back to being positive. Those two cannot get along. They repel each other. Negative people look for fellow negative PPL to find comfort and relatability in. And the good vibes wanna look for fellow good vibes cheerful PPL. It's not ur fault or the others. It's just incompatibility.
I don't know how the folks saying this is using others think the Pyramids got built or we went to the Moon. Or even survived this long to become the dominant species on the planet. But it's so essential to humanity that we would not even have language if expressing a need were not biologically necessary for survival. Other animals have social structures and ways of communicating.
Very well worded.
Love your videos! Thank you for bringing clarity around those topics! It sounds like you’re reading prompts? It doesn’t sound very natural at times when you talk and i have to focus more than I would normally to understand your point :) that’s the only thing I would say that’s not awesome about your video ❤
Thank you!
You are an my people. Anyone based in Melbourne?
5:40 talk to THEM
How do we find people we can authentically connect to?
I feel trapped within my family and have been using alcohol to cope.
I don’t know how to end the cycle😞
I love your videos! Are you from NJ or Philadelphia, by chance?
thank you 🙏
✅ good video
What to do when no one can meet a need without turning into a defensive porcupine?
I'm a sociopath. No community for me. Living in a neurotypical world is a nightmare.
I’m not a sociopath and I have no community 😂
@@FriskyTendervittles the difference between you and me is that, with help, you might connect with one and you'd be fulfilled whereas if I would truly be myself in a neurotypical community I'd get rejected.
IT ONLY WORKS IN HALLMARK MOVIES!!!!
Finding a community from scratch at 30? Maybe I should just give up on life 😂
As a late diagnosed autistic 41 year old? That's kinda been a big problem my entire life.
🌹🕊❣️
There is no getting your needs met with an avoidant partner!
There is if you break up with them
@@queernarwhal sure, if you're able to.
❤️☀️🌙
Aren’t we kinda using people Ike this?
Hmm what makes you say that?
One thing that was an eye opener for me that mentally healthy people.want to be helpful (within their capacities of course). By asking for help, you are giving them the opportunity to be helpful. The problem begins when you expect other people or even this one other person to just make EVERYTHING alright for you. Those are unreasonable requests.
Simple answer : no.
😻😘👵🏻💃
The way you explain getting your needs met by other people sounds like emotional cheating or otherwise just "using" people to me, but maybe I'm just avoidant.
What if you're not in a relationship or if it's your parents that are the ones giving the emotional needs? Even if your are in a relationship and you need emotional support regarding that partner? Would you still see those as emotional cheating? Just throwing the question out there, not attacking your comment.
"No man is an island."
@@sspencer4036 My answers to all of those questions is yes. The only reason I don't feel bad about my mother offering me help (anymore) is because she has made it clear that supporting me is her number one priority and it brings her fulfillment. I still see it as using her, although she is a willing participant.
If I "need" emotional support regarding my partner and we are not able to resolve it solely between each other, then our conflict resolution is lacking and I might need to consider moving on. I don't "need "anyone else's opinion on my partner to decide that. The fundamental issue is the word "need" -- as if something awful will happen if I don't reach out for assistance. The worst that could happen at the very extreme is that I die, which has not been a major concern of mine for quite some time. I generally fear relying on others more than my own demise because at least if I fail, I have the peace of knowing that it was my own fault and not anyone else's... welcome to avoidant attachment.
What do you mean by “emotional cheating?” Just curious
@@aywancfc It's when your partner chooses to confide in other people instead of you. It's especially pernicious when you are the subject that they are confiding in someone else about, and they don't bother bringing any of these matters directly to you.
Why vote against border bill?