This is a very good explanation. I use spouse terms (wife and husband) with mine so we can joke about killing each other for the life insurance. And because it's funny to watch people be confused.
That’s what my sibling-in-law does, they’re married to my brother but she also has a qpr with her best friend/wife, they joke about being a polyamorous throuple. It’s funny really, my brothers a straight cis man but he has a bisexual genderfluid spouse and his spouses platonic aroace wife.
Though, I don't consider QPRs inherently superior to best friends, you know? Romantic relationships, QPRs, and friends are different types of relationships, but they're all equal.
I'm so glad this resonates with you! It makes my day every time someone says that this connects with them, since it's a topic I care quite a bit about!
Romantic relationships being the primary relationship of people sucks so much for people like me whose primary relationships are friendships/platonic. It doesn't matter how close I can get to a friend, I will always get shirked for a boyfriend/girlfriend
you get it oh my god i've struggled with this for ages to the point that i'm not even sure if i want a qpr or if i just don't want to get ignored in favor of my friends' relationships
I’m in a QPR though we’re in a romantic relationship for everyone else. We don’t kiss or have sex, but I’m sure when I go to his place at night, that’s what people assume I’m doing 😅 it’s annoying to think that because I’m sex-repulsed when it comes to me (I don’t want myself to be in the picture). We don’t even hold hands, though we hug when we meet and when we go our separate ways. I care for my bf as much as I would, I assume, if I could have romantic feelings towards him, or more, because I’m not temporarily infatuated with him- I see him as part of my team and a team can only stand strong if teammates support each other. Under allo standards, we’re like friends that will eventually marry, though everyone will think we’re in a romantic relationship and marrying because we romantically love each other. It doesn’t bother me because this is the only kind of relationship I can see myself being happy in.
I have OCs in QPRs. For one relationship they're both hetero aroallos. They actually do have sex but it's not a romantic relationship. They are travel buddies. The setting isn't accurate, but they would totally go on road trips together 24/7. And it was quite funny when I found out some terms for QPPs are "marshmallow" and "zucchini" because one has cloud-like features and the other has green hair. So I accidentally made those terms into characters. They both thought they'd be happy single people but they became good friends and then now they're in a committed relationship. It's the first committed relationship for both of them and neither are in any other relationships. They both have had sex with other people before but I'm not sure if this relationship is sexually exclusive or not. For the other QPR, An aroce lady and an bi allo guy. They don't have sex. They don't live together but they do write and visit each other quite often and lean on each other when they're in need. They both have their separate lives that converge occasionally and that's when they catch up and do shit together. The aroace lady probably has other QPRs but I haven't made them yet. The allo guy is a solo poly and has other romantic relationships as well.
Thank you for this video! The statement around 6:20 really hit close to home... The feeling is all too real. I remember feeling the weight on my shoulders lift when I found out the QPRs are a thing. I'm not ace/aro, I'm bisexual and was always led to believe romantic relationships are the only way to have physical intimacy/affection with someone. I always thought, "If I want to have physical affections, I **have** to be in a romantic relationship, that's what everyone says after all." But once I found out about this term, I felt like... I found a part of me that was missing this whole time. Like wow, I can just do this with someone who I care about without caring for romantic stuff? That's fucking dope! While it's true that I do understand romantic tendencies, I honestly wanted more of a QPR in my life more than anything. I admit, I'm still trying to shake off the norms attached to relationships and such, still I do hope I get into a QPR! :-)
I'm so happy to hear that this resonated with you! I wish you the best of luck with finding a fufilling QPR and I'm so glad that discovering the term helped you feel less alone- I certainly know it helped me. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with everyone here, I hope that other people see this and know they're not alone either!
I'm AroAce and this sounds perfect for me 💜💚💞 although I do have to ask, how do you get out of a QPR? Do you have to break up or is it different? Edit: I subbed c:
I'm glad that this sounds like something that works for you~! I'm happy I could present a new option for a fellow aroace! Also I suppose mileage may vary with relationships, but because I consider QPRs something you can cheat on, I do think an official "break up" is required to get out of a QPR. The last couple of QPRs i was in, one I did offically sit my partner down and say "Hey we need to take a break, my needs aren't being met." In the other case, there was a big blow up and we don't talk anymore and we blocked each other, so like. Y'know, we don't even acknoledge each other, of course we're broken up lmaooo. Meanwhile my sister and I, which i mentioned falls under the QPR umbrella technically, have a friend pre-nup just in case something goes sour lmaoooo But really it's up to you and how you want to do relationships. There's obviously no rules, but communication and understanding is key, just like in any significant relationship. Hope this helps!
Wow that is really interesting, very good explanation and great thoughts on it!💛 I'm neither ace nor aro, I consider myself as a (pretty sexual) lesbian. Nevertheless I can imagine living in a qpr as platonic relationships/very close friendships have always been more important than romantic relationships in my life and I find the connection there a lot stronger/deeper. It's really difficult to put my loose thoughts into words, I guess I have to sleep over it... You definitely gave me something to think about more, thank you a lot🧡
I'm glad that it resonated with you even though you're not aro/ace! I think its super important for other people to understand and relate so that people in the queer community can have language for shared expierences!
I'm ace and questioning aro (currently labeled myself as grey-ro), and this video has been so insightful - and the point of the hurt of potentially never being another's number one person hit wayyyy too close to home; I'm afraid that might've been why I've chased romantic relationships/wanted so dearly to experience and act upon crushes in the past.
I'm aro and questioning ace and I've always wanted to understand qpr's (like how u get a qpr, how it works, etc) as I would possibly like to be in a couple in the future this answered a lot of questions, it helped a lot, thank you!! ^^
@@Parziivale oooo I would love to see a video about how to go about finding QPR if you're up to it! Another question would be how would you ask someone if they wanted to be in one with you? Please dont feel presurred to make a video though!
@@rainnymph hey there! I'll put it in my ideas list and see if I have any cohesive notes on this! Im not sure if have anything of substance but its worth exploring! Thanks for the idea!
im ace (questioning aro maybe) but i think i think i want a QPR between me and my best friend but I'm not sure because i might be romantically attracted to her? im not sure how to define romantic attraction? im not sure if i feel romantic attraction or if I'm just dating people im close to because I'm afraid to be alone? idk where im getting at anymore i guess what im saying is as an aromantic, how would you define romantic attraction?
Hey! Sorry for the late response, your comment didn't show up in my notifications! Sadly, I don't actually think I can answer that question for you. As a fellow aromantic, I too struggle with understanding how it feels. It's rough- Aromanticism is a spectrum, like so many other things, and I never know how to mark the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, because I don't really know if I've ever felt it myself. I have friends who aren't romantic who have been in QPRs before, though, and therefore do feel a difference between the two, and for them, it's thinking about whether they'd want to start a family with someone, whether they'd marry someone more than just legally, or whether they'd raise a kid or share bills, taxes, mortgages, etc. with them. That doesn't particularly work for me, but it does for them- maybe thinking about that will help you too? However, the advice that works for me is to be open to flexibility in a relationship, and be communicative if you do decide to try for a relationship at that intensity. It's okay to not know, and you don't have to know for sure to know that you want a life with someone. Renegotiating dynamics is okay and healthy. I hope this helps! Feel free to ask any further questions, and i wish you the best of luck in your companionship quest!
@@roosterj I agree with this! I personally don't use Alterous attraction, but i know a lot of people who do and who are happy with it! I super support the use of this word in further relationships that are muddied by the confusion between what is and isn't romantic or platonic!
amazing video! ty so much for addressing this. ive started coming out to a few people as ace aro now and i'm realizing how much I'd wanna have a qpr where i wanna be loved and love/care about someone as intensely as a romantic relationship. sucks how some ppl devalue any other kind of relationship!
that concept sounds pretty good to me. I figured out Im aromantic. No wonder I never wanted a "normal" relationship ... Now I just have to find someone who would like to have a QPR ^^
I'm finishing up a video about Queerplatonic Relationships that I'm about to post! This was great to listen to :) It's always fun to discover more people talking about this subject. I just subscribed. :)
@@Parziivaleby "about to post" i probably mean tomorrow evening right before Ace Week ends is when I'll actually finish mine btw. Whoops commenting back from the wrong channel of mine but hey I'm Ace and aro-spec no matter where I post from...
I still am unsure how a QPR work even after researching. I understand it's somewhere between platonic and romantic relationships. (I wrote this so you could skip the big paragraphs and still get the gist but if you read the whole thing you'll understand better) What is the most platonic "setting" on a QPR? Because I'd like to have a more serious relationship with my friend Alexis, but I don't want to kiss her or anything to that extent. Hand holding and cuddling and sharing a house sounds good though. But we both also plan on finding a husband (both of us get our own husband) and living in separate houses. But we plan to share a building/apartment until that time comes. And it's odd cause I can't stand thinking of her house being far away, not even on the other side of a large town. I think I just deal with a lot of friend abandonment issues. I've moved more times then I can count, only staying in one town/city for about 2 years, and all my friends forget me and stop communicating with me. Alexis is the only person who has stuck with me through moves I don't like touching people (hugs and cuddles, etc) and idk why cause I'm touch starved. I'll hug people occasionally, especially if they need one, but cuddles make me unfomfy for some reason. Possibly because media is over-sexualized and I don't want none of that and partly cause social anxiety. But Alexis, I yearned for her cuddles. I am actually comfortable being around her which is huge because of my social anxiety. My social anxiety tells me "nope, if you mess up they'll hate you; if you don't understand something or say something wrong they'll hate you; everyone is staring at you thinking what is wrong with you." But Alexis makes (almost) all of it go away. I feel like there is something stronger to our relationship, but I know for sure it's not romantic or sexual.
Hey there! Thanks so much for commenting on my video and sharing your experiences! I'm sure that they can resonate with people and that's super important. Overall, I can't tell you whether what you feel is a QPR but I will say if you still don't understand what it is after research, I think you should look for more resources that are easier to understand before jumping into one. Regarding your actual experiences, I do think that instead of starting a relationship of any sort with Alexis, you should seek out some relationship therapy first since you admitted to having a lot of friend abandonment trauma. Starting any sort of intense relationship to try to avoid such trauma occurring again won't actually help and will probably make it worse in the long run, speaking from experience. And this isn't to say your feelings towards Alexis aren't valid or intense or real, but rather that it seems to me you're looking for a way to prevent further abandonment rather than looking for a fulfilling relationship right now and perhaps it will be better to tackle the trauma first before the relationship options.
I typed the original comment before finishing the video. You talked about boundaries and equal value between romantic relationship and QPRelationship. I see all these things that are like "I was always jealous of my [same gender] friend and their relationships and then I realized it was because I'm gay/lesbian/etc". But I know that's not what this is. We are both female and both straight (I'm a-spec; she's ally). I get jealous about her relationships cause she cares about them too much just like every other alloromantic/sexual person I know. One example, my birthday is New Years and my friend and I started a tradition that we would go to my house and we'd celebrate together. But this one time, my friend was too sad to celebrate. Why? Because the internet wasn't working so she could zoom call her boyfriend. I didn't feel bad cause you are here to celebrate me and another year in our lives together. She was allowed to call her boyfriend literally any other time except right then and she ruined it by being upset. Now, its rude to just be mad at someone for 'just being upset', but she was getting worked up about nothing, she was doing this after telling me she wouldn't, she was partly doing this cause her boyfriend was jealous he didn't spend time with her (he was possessive and untrusting), and because I tried to make her feel better but she didn't care. I did everything in my power to make her feel better, even though it was supposed to be able me for one second, and she didn't even acknowledge or thank me for trying to fix it. That's a more extreme example cause most of them aren't that bad. {actually, not important, but I might be girlfluix not female, but I just say female cause I'm not sure and it's just easier}
@@Parziivale ~Yeah, about the friend abandonment, I feel like that could be the case which is why I said it. But she is very important to me. She was still more important to me then any other friend before I had even moved away from her. I don’t think I have a way to help with the problem of loosing so many friends, at least not right now, especially when I have other problems I need to deal with that are more important. I’ll continue to think about it and do a bit more research on QPR. I don’t expect you to have an answer, just that you’d have more insight, so thank you! Also, thank you for responding so quick! I didn’t exact anyone to even see it, so I’m glad I was about to talk with you.
@@The1stPurpleCat of course! You seem to have a good understanding of what you want and the boundaries that you'd like and that's a great start! Regardless of what i think, you know what's best for you overall. I hope the relationships that you put time and communication into stay strong and help lead you forward!
I’ve always thought that friendships and romantic relationships (and now queerplatonic relationships) should be equally valued Not romantic relationships be placed on a pedestal as the most important and most valued above all other forms of love Thanks for making this video, it gives me a lot of insight on QPRs and amatonormativity
I also accept that pronunciation! LMAO, It's how a lot of people say it, and it's not incorrect due to the preferences I'm making to myself, so if that's how you want to say it that's fine!
I just started a QPR yesterday with a guy I've known for about 3 years, yet we have become quiteeee, quite close in a *different* way this last half of 2022, and videos like this do help a lot to get an idea of how we can go about our relationship by both of us using the aro label. I'm excited to see how it goes, but also definetily scared 'cause I don't love him, but do feel physical, and "social" atraction, he makes me gives me (a lot of) economic , as well as integral, security, among there being many other ways in which I think he is a good partner and someone I would even marry I guess, I totally see myself being intimate, living together, everything, but I just don't love him or feel monogamus attraction and ahhhh my anxiety. We'll just see how it goes I guess. 😖
I might have had a queer platonic relationship with my ex best friend but it was one sided. I had made her my emergency contact. She didn’t make me hers. We used to have regular conversations on the phone that lasted for three hours. I say that she broke my heart when it ended. I wonder what’s the difference between a QPR and just not having good boundaries with a friend. Maybe she was just my “favorite person.” I’m not diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but I think I have traits. Edit: You kind of answered my question when I watched the rest of the video. I hope you don’t take it as me questioning the validity of QPRs. That was not my intent.
I'm glad I answered your question! I do know that as someone with bpd that it's hard to ID the difference between wanting a qpr and having a Favorite Person but it genuinely has helped to just make sure that nothing is labeled as any kind of multi person relationship, qpr or otherwise, without talking about it to the other person first. If I didn't talk to them, we aren't in a qpr, just like you generally shouldnt have a romantic relationship with someone without talking to them
@@Parziivale so I guess that means it wasn’t a queer platonic relationship if we didn’t acknowledge it. For some context we are both older and not from the generation that grew up with the concept. I’m 45 and she’s in her fifties. And we both have issues with intimacy and truly coming to terms with our sexuality. I actually haven’t even had that many friendships and I have never been able to have what I want in a friendship or relationship.
Hey and excuse my ignorance on the subject i am only learning about QPRs and seem like the perfect relationship for me but what I found interesting is you and your ex plotonic partner slip up because of personal differences but how do you both keep the role play going with your carictrues (sorry can't spell it)
This is pretty common for me, not so common with others. I get along with a lot of my exes (and I despise a lot of others.) I know what I want in a relationship so if a relationship isn't working out and there isn't room to fix it, I end it. In this case our issue wasn't lack if love or care but time and incompatible lifestyles. We're still really good friends, so we still RP!
I'm personally Alloromantic, but I want a Queerplatonic relationship because it seems so wholesome and cute. I like the idea of having this deep bond that isn't really romantic or platonic. I also like how there aren't any specific rules you have to follow; it's really inclusive. It would be also be great to see QPR rep in media as well. Nowadays I would just Headcanon characters in a qpr because it's really cute and it fits them. I just have a small question: besides using the term "Zucchini", can a couple just use the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" even if it's not a socially accepted relationship? I hope this came across well.
Terminology is going to depend on the people in that relationship and what that means to them. I haven't personally seen that used, but I have seen "husband" "wife" and "partner" used just as much. I've seen "my [other person's name]" and just "my QPP" as well. Boyfriend and girlfriend may be mistaken by outside society as romantic, but not any more than husband or wife or partner, and if the people in that relationship are okay with that, then I say go ahead! But it does really depend on the individual
@@ParziivaleOkay, that's good to know. Another question as well, what if both people in the QPR feel romantic attraction to each? I know anyone can be in a QPR, but would it lessen the relationship? I don't really know.
@@brandy6650 I think at that point you and the person you're in a relationship with should discuss what you want out of a relationship and what certain labels mean for you. If you both feel romantic love for each other, what is the difference between your qpr and your romantic relationship? This isn't a gotcha moment, it's a genuine question- are tou trying to fit into the mold of a relationship label because of your ideals or are you putting a label onto a relationship that has already been established, and that label communicates something to people? I've struggled a lot with what labels mean in relationships and the expectations they come with, so I think that it's really important to ask why you want a type of relationship, romantic or queerplatonic or otherwise. What expectations are you bringing to the table, what do you think that means, and why or why doesn't a relationship you're in or seeking or have expierenced fit that label?
The relationships you described all sound romantic, but asexual or nonphysical. And it seems to really reinforce the idea that friendships can't be filled with love, commitment, and non-sexual intimacy. It sounds more like a dislike of the idea of deep friendships to me or vulnerable communal relations.
Hey there! I'm Aromantic and thus my relationships are going to be seen through those lenses. If this sounds like a friendship by your standards, that's great, I'm all about breaking down stereotypical amatonormative standards in relationships and various types of relationship anarchy. However, this was a word and a definition originally made by the aromantic community to describe the intense emotional and explicitly non romantic but intimate relationships we have as people who do not fit into the general society that assumes we all feel romantic love for others, so it is important for us to have words we can use within our community to explain common expierences we have. While I understand what you're saying, if this word doesn't work for you, it's not for you, and that's okay- please let us have the words to communicate with each other. Thanks!
Not any more than you'd be in a sibling relationship with your own siblings, I just put a name to its significance so people understand I'm not going to ditch my sister for my romantic partners.
This is a very good explanation. I use spouse terms (wife and husband) with mine so we can joke about killing each other for the life insurance. And because it's funny to watch people be confused.
That's really cool! I like that, that's cute~!
That’s what my sibling-in-law does, they’re married to my brother but she also has a qpr with her best friend/wife, they joke about being a polyamorous throuple. It’s funny really, my brothers a straight cis man but he has a bisexual genderfluid spouse and his spouses platonic aroace wife.
@@b3nnefitsthat’s so sweet
I love this video! And I agree that you don't have to be aspec or queer to be in a QPR. My QPP is cishet.
Though, I don't consider QPRs inherently superior to best friends, you know? Romantic relationships, QPRs, and friends are different types of relationships, but they're all equal.
I'm so glad this resonates with you! It makes my day every time someone says that this connects with them, since it's a topic I care quite a bit about!
Romantic relationships being the primary relationship of people sucks so much for people like me whose primary relationships are friendships/platonic. It doesn't matter how close I can get to a friend, I will always get shirked for a boyfriend/girlfriend
you get it oh my god
i've struggled with this for ages to the point that i'm not even sure if i want a qpr or if i just don't want to get ignored in favor of my friends' relationships
I TOTALLY get the part about not being someone's first priority because of a relationship like its depressing
I’m in a QPR though we’re in a romantic relationship for everyone else.
We don’t kiss or have sex, but I’m sure when I go to his place at night, that’s what people assume I’m doing 😅 it’s annoying to think that because I’m sex-repulsed when it comes to me (I don’t want myself to be in the picture). We don’t even hold hands, though we hug when we meet and when we go our separate ways.
I care for my bf as much as I would, I assume, if I could have romantic feelings towards him, or more, because I’m not temporarily infatuated with him- I see him as part of my team and a team can only stand strong if teammates support each other.
Under allo standards, we’re like friends that will eventually marry, though everyone will think we’re in a romantic relationship and marrying because we romantically love each other. It doesn’t bother me because this is the only kind of relationship I can see myself being happy in.
I have OCs in QPRs.
For one relationship they're both hetero aroallos. They actually do have sex but it's not a romantic relationship. They are travel buddies. The setting isn't accurate, but they would totally go on road trips together 24/7. And it was quite funny when I found out some terms for QPPs are "marshmallow" and "zucchini" because one has cloud-like features and the other has green hair. So I accidentally made those terms into characters. They both thought they'd be happy single people but they became good friends and then now they're in a committed relationship. It's the first committed relationship for both of them and neither are in any other relationships. They both have had sex with other people before but I'm not sure if this relationship is sexually exclusive or not.
For the other QPR, An aroce lady and an bi allo guy. They don't have sex. They don't live together but they do write and visit each other quite often and lean on each other when they're in need. They both have their separate lives that converge occasionally and that's when they catch up and do shit together. The aroace lady probably has other QPRs but I haven't made them yet. The allo guy is a solo poly and has other romantic relationships as well.
Thank you so much for sharing your OC QPRs! seeing more people write them is always so refreshing!
Thank you for this video! The statement around 6:20 really hit close to home... The feeling is all too real.
I remember feeling the weight on my shoulders lift when I found out the QPRs are a thing. I'm not ace/aro, I'm bisexual and was always led to believe romantic relationships are the only way to have physical intimacy/affection with someone. I always thought, "If I want to have physical affections, I **have** to be in a romantic relationship, that's what everyone says after all." But once I found out about this term, I felt like... I found a part of me that was missing this whole time. Like wow, I can just do this with someone who I care about without caring for romantic stuff? That's fucking dope! While it's true that I do understand romantic tendencies, I honestly wanted more of a QPR in my life more than anything. I admit, I'm still trying to shake off the norms attached to relationships and such, still I do hope I get into a QPR! :-)
I'm so happy to hear that this resonated with you! I wish you the best of luck with finding a fufilling QPR and I'm so glad that discovering the term helped you feel less alone- I certainly know it helped me. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with everyone here, I hope that other people see this and know they're not alone either!
I'm AroAce and this sounds perfect for me 💜💚💞 although I do have to ask, how do you get out of a QPR? Do you have to break up or is it different?
Edit: I subbed c:
I'm glad that this sounds like something that works for you~! I'm happy I could present a new option for a fellow aroace!
Also I suppose mileage may vary with relationships, but because I consider QPRs something you can cheat on, I do think an official "break up" is required to get out of a QPR.
The last couple of QPRs i was in, one I did offically sit my partner down and say "Hey we need to take a break, my needs aren't being met."
In the other case, there was a big blow up and we don't talk anymore and we blocked each other, so like. Y'know, we don't even acknoledge each other, of course we're broken up lmaooo.
Meanwhile my sister and I, which i mentioned falls under the QPR umbrella technically, have a friend pre-nup just in case something goes sour lmaoooo
But really it's up to you and how you want to do relationships. There's obviously no rules, but communication and understanding is key, just like in any significant relationship.
Hope this helps!
@@Parziivale ty so much for the explanation and the heart! I hope you have a wonderful day 🤗💞💞
Wow that is really interesting, very good explanation and great thoughts on it!💛
I'm neither ace nor aro, I consider myself as a (pretty sexual) lesbian. Nevertheless I can imagine living in a qpr as platonic relationships/very close friendships have always been more important than romantic relationships in my life and I find the connection there a lot stronger/deeper. It's really difficult to put my loose thoughts into words, I guess I have to sleep over it... You definitely gave me something to think about more, thank you a lot🧡
I'm glad that it resonated with you even though you're not aro/ace! I think its super important for other people to understand and relate so that people in the queer community can have language for shared expierences!
I'm ace and questioning aro (currently labeled myself as grey-ro), and this video has been so insightful - and the point of the hurt of potentially never being another's number one person hit wayyyy too close to home; I'm afraid that might've been why I've chased romantic relationships/wanted so dearly to experience and act upon crushes in the past.
I'm aro and questioning ace and I've always wanted to understand qpr's (like how u get a qpr, how it works, etc) as I would possibly like to be in a couple in the future this answered a lot of questions, it helped a lot, thank you!! ^^
I'm so glad to be of assistance! If you have any other questions I'll be happy to try to answer them or save them for a video!
@@Parziivale oooo I would love to see a video about how to go about finding QPR if you're up to it! Another question would be how would you ask someone if they wanted to be in one with you? Please dont feel presurred to make a video though!
@@rainnymph hey there! I'll put it in my ideas list and see if I have any cohesive notes on this! Im not sure if have anything of substance but its worth exploring! Thanks for the idea!
im ace (questioning aro maybe) but i think i think i want a QPR between me and my best friend but I'm not sure because i might be romantically attracted to her? im not sure how to define romantic attraction? im not sure if i feel romantic attraction or if I'm just dating people im close to because I'm afraid to be alone? idk where im getting at anymore
i guess what im saying is as an aromantic, how would you define romantic attraction?
Hey! Sorry for the late response, your comment didn't show up in my notifications!
Sadly, I don't actually think I can answer that question for you. As a fellow aromantic, I too struggle with understanding how it feels. It's rough- Aromanticism is a spectrum, like so many other things, and I never know how to mark the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, because I don't really know if I've ever felt it myself.
I have friends who aren't romantic who have been in QPRs before, though, and therefore do feel a difference between the two, and for them, it's thinking about whether they'd want to start a family with someone, whether they'd marry someone more than just legally, or whether they'd raise a kid or share bills, taxes, mortgages, etc. with them. That doesn't particularly work for me, but it does for them- maybe thinking about that will help you too?
However, the advice that works for me is to be open to flexibility in a relationship, and be communicative if you do decide to try for a relationship at that intensity. It's okay to not know, and you don't have to know for sure to know that you want a life with someone. Renegotiating dynamics is okay and healthy.
I hope this helps! Feel free to ask any further questions, and i wish you the best of luck in your companionship quest!
@@roosterj I agree with this! I personally don't use Alterous attraction, but i know a lot of people who do and who are happy with it! I super support the use of this word in further relationships that are muddied by the confusion between what is and isn't romantic or platonic!
i just got into a qpr with someone, and im really happy about it but im terrified of doing smth wrong. ty for making this video, its helping :)))
I'm glad it's helping! I wish you the best of luck!
@@Parziivale thank you :DD
This gives me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing so deeply.
I'm glad it has! Thank you for watching!
amazing video! ty so much for addressing this. ive started coming out to a few people as ace aro now and i'm realizing how much I'd wanna have a qpr where i wanna be loved and love/care about someone as intensely as a romantic relationship. sucks how some ppl devalue any other kind of relationship!
Glad you found this video rewarding and relatable!!
that concept sounds pretty good to me. I figured out Im aromantic. No wonder I never wanted a "normal" relationship ... Now I just have to find someone who would like to have a QPR ^^
Congratulations on finding out part of your identity!!
@@Parziivale thanx. It's good to have a name for it ;)
I'm finishing up a video about Queerplatonic Relationships that I'm about to post! This was great to listen to :) It's always fun to discover more people talking about this subject. I just subscribed. :)
@@EmilyTalksAceStuff that's so exciting, I'm so glad more people are talking about qprs!!!
@@Parziivaleby "about to post" i probably mean tomorrow evening right before Ace Week ends is when I'll actually finish mine btw. Whoops commenting back from the wrong channel of mine but hey I'm Ace and aro-spec no matter where I post from...
@@Parziivale i finished my video!
I still am unsure how a QPR work even after researching. I understand it's somewhere between platonic and romantic relationships.
(I wrote this so you could skip the big paragraphs and still get the gist but if you read the whole thing you'll understand better)
What is the most platonic "setting" on a QPR?
Because I'd like to have a more serious relationship with my friend Alexis, but I don't want to kiss her or anything to that extent. Hand holding and cuddling and sharing a house sounds good though. But we both also plan on finding a husband (both of us get our own husband) and living in separate houses. But we plan to share a building/apartment until that time comes. And it's odd cause I can't stand thinking of her house being far away, not even on the other side of a large town.
I think I just deal with a lot of friend abandonment issues. I've moved more times then I can count, only staying in one town/city for about 2 years, and all my friends forget me and stop communicating with me. Alexis is the only person who has stuck with me through moves
I don't like touching people (hugs and cuddles, etc) and idk why cause I'm touch starved. I'll hug people occasionally, especially if they need one, but cuddles make me unfomfy for some reason. Possibly because media is over-sexualized and I don't want none of that and partly cause social anxiety. But Alexis, I yearned for her cuddles. I am actually comfortable being around her which is huge because of my social anxiety. My social anxiety tells me "nope, if you mess up they'll hate you; if you don't understand something or say something wrong they'll hate you; everyone is staring at you thinking what is wrong with you." But Alexis makes (almost) all of it go away.
I feel like there is something stronger to our relationship, but I know for sure it's not romantic or sexual.
Hey there! Thanks so much for commenting on my video and sharing your experiences! I'm sure that they can resonate with people and that's super important.
Overall, I can't tell you whether what you feel is a QPR but I will say if you still don't understand what it is after research, I think you should look for more resources that are easier to understand before jumping into one.
Regarding your actual experiences, I do think that instead of starting a relationship of any sort with Alexis, you should seek out some relationship therapy first since you admitted to having a lot of friend abandonment trauma. Starting any sort of intense relationship to try to avoid such trauma occurring again won't actually help and will probably make it worse in the long run, speaking from experience.
And this isn't to say your feelings towards Alexis aren't valid or intense or real, but rather that it seems to me you're looking for a way to prevent further abandonment rather than looking for a fulfilling relationship right now and perhaps it will be better to tackle the trauma first before the relationship options.
I typed the original comment before finishing the video.
You talked about boundaries and equal value between romantic relationship and QPRelationship. I see all these things that are like "I was always jealous of my [same gender] friend and their relationships and then I realized it was because I'm gay/lesbian/etc". But I know that's not what this is. We are both female and both straight (I'm a-spec; she's ally). I get jealous about her relationships cause she cares about them too much just like every other alloromantic/sexual person I know.
One example, my birthday is New Years and my friend and I started a tradition that we would go to my house and we'd celebrate together. But this one time, my friend was too sad to celebrate. Why? Because the internet wasn't working so she could zoom call her boyfriend. I didn't feel bad cause you are here to celebrate me and another year in our lives together. She was allowed to call her boyfriend literally any other time except right then and she ruined it by being upset. Now, its rude to just be mad at someone for 'just being upset', but she was getting worked up about nothing, she was doing this after telling me she wouldn't, she was partly doing this cause her boyfriend was jealous he didn't spend time with her (he was possessive and untrusting), and because I tried to make her feel better but she didn't care. I did everything in my power to make her feel better, even though it was supposed to be able me for one second, and she didn't even acknowledge or thank me for trying to fix it.
That's a more extreme example cause most of them aren't that bad.
{actually, not important, but I might be girlfluix not female, but I just say female cause I'm not sure and it's just easier}
@@Parziivale ~Yeah, about the friend abandonment, I feel like that could be the case which is why I said it. But she is very important to me. She was still more important to me then any other friend before I had even moved away from her.
I don’t think I have a way to help with the problem of loosing so many friends, at least not right now, especially when I have other problems I need to deal with that are more important.
I’ll continue to think about it and do a bit more research on QPR.
I don’t expect you to have an answer, just that you’d have more insight, so thank you! Also, thank you for responding so quick! I didn’t exact anyone to even see it, so I’m glad I was about to talk with you.
@@The1stPurpleCat of course! You seem to have a good understanding of what you want and the boundaries that you'd like and that's a great start! Regardless of what i think, you know what's best for you overall. I hope the relationships that you put time and communication into stay strong and help lead you forward!
The low number of views is totally understandable.
Thanks for sharing this. Beautiful insight.
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I’ve always thought that friendships and romantic relationships (and now queerplatonic relationships) should be equally valued
Not romantic relationships be placed on a pedestal as the most important and most valued above all other forms of love
Thanks for making this video, it gives me a lot of insight on QPRs and amatonormativity
I'm so glad you found that this resonates with you! I agree totally, and I hope this video can reach other people!
just found your youtube, and I deadass thought your name was pronounced "parzee-vale" til just now 💀
I also accept that pronunciation! LMAO, It's how a lot of people say it, and it's not incorrect due to the preferences I'm making to myself, so if that's how you want to say it that's fine!
This video is beautiful. Thank you for making this. It helped me a lot in my understanding of QPRs.❤
I'm so glad that it helped you! That's all I hope for when I make these videos- that they can help someone, even just one person understand better!
I just started a QPR yesterday with a guy I've known for about 3 years, yet we have become quiteeee, quite close in a *different* way this last half of 2022, and videos like this do help a lot to get an idea of how we can go about our relationship by both of us using the aro label. I'm excited to see how it goes, but also definetily scared 'cause I don't love him, but do feel physical, and "social" atraction, he makes me gives me (a lot of) economic , as well as integral, security, among there being many other ways in which I think he is a good partner and someone I would even marry I guess, I totally see myself being intimate, living together, everything, but I just don't love him or feel monogamus attraction and ahhhh my anxiety. We'll just see how it goes I guess. 😖
Congratulations on your new qpr! I'm so glad these videos are helping you carve out a path that works for you specifically! I'm so happy to hear that!
qprs sound so good
I'm glad they resonate with you!
i have a queer platonic relationship with my best friend so if someone says that we like someone we can just tell them to shut up
💜💜
Thank you~
I might have had a queer platonic relationship with my ex best friend but it was one sided. I had made her my emergency contact. She didn’t make me hers. We used to have regular conversations on the phone that lasted for three hours. I say that she broke my heart when it ended. I wonder what’s the difference between a QPR and just not having good boundaries with a friend. Maybe she was just my “favorite person.” I’m not diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but I think I have traits.
Edit: You kind of answered my question when I watched the rest of the video. I hope you don’t take it as me questioning the validity of QPRs. That was not my intent.
I'm glad I answered your question! I do know that as someone with bpd that it's hard to ID the difference between wanting a qpr and having a Favorite Person but it genuinely has helped to just make sure that nothing is labeled as any kind of multi person relationship, qpr or otherwise, without talking about it to the other person first. If I didn't talk to them, we aren't in a qpr, just like you generally shouldnt have a romantic relationship with someone without talking to them
@@Parziivale so I guess that means it wasn’t a queer platonic relationship if we didn’t acknowledge it. For some context we are both older and not from the generation that grew up with the concept. I’m 45 and she’s in her fifties. And we both have issues with intimacy and truly coming to terms with our sexuality. I actually haven’t even had that many friendships and I have never been able to have what I want in a friendship or relationship.
And thank you for replying! I didn’t realize that this video was three years old.
Hey and excuse my ignorance on the subject i am only learning about QPRs and seem like the perfect relationship for me but what I found interesting is you and your ex plotonic partner slip up because of personal differences but how do you both keep the role play going with your carictrues (sorry can't spell it)
This is pretty common for me, not so common with others. I get along with a lot of my exes (and I despise a lot of others.) I know what I want in a relationship so if a relationship isn't working out and there isn't room to fix it, I end it. In this case our issue wasn't lack if love or care but time and incompatible lifestyles. We're still really good friends, so we still RP!
I'm personally Alloromantic, but I want a Queerplatonic relationship because it seems so wholesome and cute. I like the idea of having this deep bond that isn't really romantic or platonic. I also like how there aren't any specific rules you have to follow; it's really inclusive. It would be also be great to see QPR rep in media as well. Nowadays I would just Headcanon characters in a qpr because it's really cute and it fits them. I just have a small question: besides using the term "Zucchini", can a couple just use the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" even if it's not a socially accepted relationship? I hope this came across well.
Terminology is going to depend on the people in that relationship and what that means to them. I haven't personally seen that used, but I have seen "husband" "wife" and "partner" used just as much. I've seen "my [other person's name]" and just "my QPP" as well. Boyfriend and girlfriend may be mistaken by outside society as romantic, but not any more than husband or wife or partner, and if the people in that relationship are okay with that, then I say go ahead! But it does really depend on the individual
@@ParziivaleOkay, that's good to know. Another question as well, what if both people in the QPR feel romantic attraction to each? I know anyone can be in a QPR, but would it lessen the relationship? I don't really know.
@@brandy6650 I think at that point you and the person you're in a relationship with should discuss what you want out of a relationship and what certain labels mean for you. If you both feel romantic love for each other, what is the difference between your qpr and your romantic relationship? This isn't a gotcha moment, it's a genuine question- are tou trying to fit into the mold of a relationship label because of your ideals or are you putting a label onto a relationship that has already been established, and that label communicates something to people?
I've struggled a lot with what labels mean in relationships and the expectations they come with, so I think that it's really important to ask why you want a type of relationship, romantic or queerplatonic or otherwise. What expectations are you bringing to the table, what do you think that means, and why or why doesn't a relationship you're in or seeking or have expierenced fit that label?
We call zucchini, courgette which doesn’t sound as cute.
I learned something new today!!!
No I just love to love ant got a be wired just say it
The relationships you described all sound romantic, but asexual or nonphysical. And it seems to really reinforce the idea that friendships can't be filled with love, commitment, and non-sexual intimacy. It sounds more like a dislike of the idea of deep friendships to me or vulnerable communal relations.
Hey there! I'm Aromantic and thus my relationships are going to be seen through those lenses. If this sounds like a friendship by your standards, that's great, I'm all about breaking down stereotypical amatonormative standards in relationships and various types of relationship anarchy. However, this was a word and a definition originally made by the aromantic community to describe the intense emotional and explicitly non romantic but intimate relationships we have as people who do not fit into the general society that assumes we all feel romantic love for others, so it is important for us to have words we can use within our community to explain common expierences we have.
While I understand what you're saying, if this word doesn't work for you, it's not for you, and that's okay- please let us have the words to communicate with each other. Thanks!
So you're in a relationship with your sister?
Not any more than you'd be in a sibling relationship with your own siblings, I just put a name to its significance so people understand I'm not going to ditch my sister for my romantic partners.