Yes...he is a great scientist but there was no need for him to apologize. It was the viewers who misunderstand what masking is and the difference between masking and self-regulation. Masking autism is quite different than learning to self-regulate (as every other human being has to learn), which is more challenging for people with ADHD.
Clarifying sure. But other people not liking to hear the truth does not need an apology. If you feel offended it’s on you to figure out why and whether or not anything actually offensive was said. It wasn’t as far as I’m concerned.
The fact you're willing to listen to people's experiences, offer an apology, and change your perspective when presented with new information is a big part of why we respect you & your work. A real class act Dr. Barkley. I wish we had more medical professionals like you.
Totally agree! I also didn't see it as mocking at all! :D Much more think that masking, at least as I understand it. Is the very extreme and self destructing form of trying to cope. Everyone needs to own there ADHD and find a way to cope with it. To me, masking is when people take it to the extreme. And don't talk to people to work out solutions, but burn them self out by just suppressing. Until it doesn't work anymore.
@BBanalyst well then, what was said was easily open to misinterpretation. Clearly, a lot of people misinterpreted what was said in a similar way. Dr Barkley's apology has increased my respect for him.
@@BBanalystNo, he apologised for failing to make the distinction he was intending to make and thus causing confusion, and specifically changed his perspective on how heavy handed and the tone he used when presenting as well as changing his perspective on not clarifying the mental exhaustion masking can cause.
While the clarification is appreciated, anyone who has followed your body of work should know you have tremendous empathy and understanding of the plight of those with ADHD and would never mock our struggles. Appreciate everything you have done and continue for ADHD Dr. Barkley!
I agree. I commented on that last video but given Dr. Barkley's lifelong dedication to education and treatment, I in no way thought myself mocked. The more people that understand the root cause and subsequent effects of ADHD, the less masking we'll have to do. That doesn't mean we shouldn't still have strategies to reduce the daily impact of our symptoms. I think "we all have to mask" comes off like "we're all a little ADHD". Being late diagnosed, the reaction might be a response to our struggle with honestly understanding and accepting ourselves. Now knowing where all our energy goes. Unmasking with ADHD just means that we can openly enlist others in our struggles and efforts. The more people in our lives that know, hopefully that would translate into masking less, thereby reducing the stress, depression and energy expenditure of pretending everything is fine. Yes, mask to reduce friction with others (if you care) but do what you can to include others, ask for help and reduce the drain. My simple one has been, "Yup, I have ADHD and can be 15 minutes late. If you absolutely need me somewhere at a specific time, tell me to shoot for a time 15 minutes earlier." Man, I just can't make short comments. 😞
Not all of us have followed it. And while I did hyperfocus on learning everything I possibly could when getting diagnosed and that lead me to come across doctor Barkley's UA-cam *and* books. I think it's important for him to realize that some people will take things the wrong way. And I appreciate that he took the time to clarify what he meant and to apologize for the misunderstanding
@@NoLies17 I agree with your points...but I think there is some confusion with the difference between learning to self-regulate and the "masking" that individuals with ASD engage in. It is not like people with ADHD behave differently to hide their neurodiversity but that they are exhausted by trying to be socially respectful, which involve the core symptoms (delays) which are inherent within the diagnosis of ADHD itself.
Having ADHD myself, I didn't think of it as mocking us, but I can see how people might've picked up on it as such. Glad to hear the clarification all the same though.
Anybody who actually follows your work or watches your videos knows that you would never insult or intentionally harm anyone in the ADHD community, but it was also so kind of you to take the time address those who vocalized this. I hope they return to see all the information you have to share, because it is valuable.
The fact that he can remain humble and accept a counterpoint is what makes a great scholar in my eyes. No not just a great scholar this man is a warrior poet AND a gigachad.
I think an important nuance that gets lost in these “masking is terrible” articles - which is what I understand Dr. Barkley is trying to highlight - is the tricky concept of “authentic self”… I would like to think my “authentic” self is kind, respectful, caring & giving. ADHD symptoms that cause me to act in ways that hurt people are not my “true” self (I hope!!!) - they ARE a hindrance to expressing my authentic feelings. A good example of this is being mindful about not interrupting. Yes, impulsivity makes this hard, but that impulsivity is part of my neurology, NOT MY CHARACTER. My authentic self doesn’t want to make people feel belittled. Ever. So I fight the impulse to interrupt, and I apologize when I fail. This isn’t masking - it is being true to who I want to be. On the flip side, tamping down my natural exuberance because I fear rejection for being “too much” IS unhealthy masking because it denies a part of myself that DOES feel true and congruent with who I would like to be. But this is true for plenty of naturally exuberant people without ADHD -- they just tend to handle the situation better because they are better able to “dial it in” more precisely and consistently and/or experience less intense reactions to real or perceived rejection ADHD shapes my perceptions and behaviors. So does being tall. And clumsy. And a fast reader. All these things are measurable realities about me. But none of them individually or ultimately dictate my authentic self - I get to choose and work towards what I want that to be. And a huge part of that process is identifying and managing the symptoms and sequelae of ADHD that hold me back. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 😂
some people call me crap, lazy, slacker, narcissistic, drug user, internet addict, haphazard, troll, shitty person, traumatized, prideful, mocking, aggressive, irritable, hater, hateful, dark, deranged, dangerous, anti-social, unpredictable, impulsive, disrespectful, trigger happy, triggering, vain, smart when I apply myself, smart-ass, smart-aleck, ass man, quick witted, dim witted, facetious, anti-authority, probably abused, toxic, works hard when he puts his mind to it, greedy, jealous, vengeful, petty, sad, lonely, and wound up...... BUT I don't consider any of that to be part of CHARACTER. I blame it all on neurotransmitter receptors in my frontal cortex.
As with most if not all things, there exists (the need for) nuance. I think Dr. Barkley is correct to point out that many accessible websites tend to misrepresent what masking actually is and what our collective response to it should be. It’s not “hey, just show up late for that crucial interview. If they can’t understand you have trouble with executive functioning and time management then who needs em??”. Masking is distinct from self-regulation. Masking is what happens when you either don’t engage in self-regulation or take it too far and wind up suppressing or altering fundamental parts of yourself in the long term to appease others for, likely, fear of reprisal. I’m not masking if I make a concerted effort to show up on time and am not a sweaty, frantic mess who begins to over-share on the justifications for my tardiness. Masking is real and is most often problematic as you struggle to work against your condition (e.g. AD(H)D) instead of *with* it. But there should not be a propagation of advice, then, to “just let it all hang out” at all times and irrespective of context, as Dr. Barkley points out. That’s equally problematic.
Exactly! Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. There was no need for Dr. Barkley to apologize. His initial video was spot on. It was the viewers who misunderstand what masking is and the difference between masking and self-regulation. Masking autism is quite different than learning to self-regulate (as every other human being has to learn), which can be more challenging for people with ADHD.
Thankyou for making this video, very much appreciated and apology accepted. You're very right that no one should just be going out in society completely unregulated. Articles like these tend to use hyperbole and the whole 'adhd super power' shtick to turn everything into a positive, which you're right can lead to some of the severe societal impacts that people with ADHD experience if their behaviours are out of line.
The truly knowledgeable professional does not need to put others down or act like they know everything. You exemplify this perfectly. Your expertise does not prevent you from being humble, and we are so lucky to have you. I have a great deal of respect for you because you treat all of us with such respect. As always, I wish you all the best and good health. We need more people like you in our communities. It’s common for people to express their appreciation for others only after they are gone, and I don’t believe in that. Too often, we focus on criticizing or overlooking the good things others do. I think it’s important to let people know how much they mean to us while they are still with us. We will miss you dearly when the time comes, but that’s not going to happen any time soon, so please take care of yourself. Your family, friends, colleagues need you, and so do we. You are truly appreciated.
Hey! Don't even say that! Doc Lo queremos tanto tanto tanto! You can't imagine! Thank you thank you forever thank you! I've created accounts that then I forget so I have to create a new one many times... Only to be able to comment here and insist on how much we appreciate you!!! Long life to our king 😊!! No te mueras Nunca Barkley !!!
I realized a long time ago that when something you say starts to grind my teeth, it's probably sarcasm. I understood the first video perfectly, and I really appreciate the effort you make to keep everyone informed about ADHD. Greetings from Argentina!
I had to self regulate in my previous career so much that at the end of the day I was too exhausted to engage in anything else after work or during weekends. I was just wiped out. I can see self regulating for a career or survival. Some careers are better environments than others for that "downtime" and not having to be socially "on" all day. I burnt out and became a shell of myself as a result. Depressed, irritable to those I loved, not taking care of my mind or my body. I had no self discipline left to make good choices for me or to be a pleasant person outside of work. I left that career because I don't want to suppress my traits like talking a lot, switching topics, just being very excitable, being a "bit much", having five thousand interests, coming across a bit "ditsy", etc. I have had great luck searching out other ND people who understand and socialize similarly and have many more friends now than before. Sometimes my behavior may inconvenience others and to that I say - sometimes other people's behaviors inconvenience me! It goes both ways whether someone is ND or not! Thirty four years on this earth and I have yet to meet New Jesus! After decades of being overly accommodating to the needs of others and always assuming the problem is me, I allow myself to take up space in the world and be myself. Sometimes my existence is going to be inconvenient for those around me. It's a part of the human experience. While I strive to be polite, I don't strive to act neurotypical. I don't like everyone and not everyone has to like me either. I think where I found the most offense in yesterday's video was this: that not participating in self regulation means that no one will be friends with me, or that it is inconsiderate to those around me to be myself. To imply that being ADHD in public is similar to audibly passing gas in polite company was a bit of a wild take. I didn't think you meant it like that but I was like 'who am I listening to right now?'. To conclude, I simply don't agree with the notion that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to be liked by people I don't care about. I love being me. I'm interesting, genuinely kind, and pretty hilarious. Some people think I'm great. Some people are just not going to "get it" and that is absolutely fine. I think a distinction should be made between professional social situations and socializing with personal friends or potential friends. I have also anecdotally observed that self regulation and "masking" quickly spends the finite self discipline we all as people have. Using some intentionality when deciding when to schedule or participate in situations where we can't be ourselves is important. Being yourself and being real and vulnerable deepens personal connections - which is great for developing intimate relationships but maybe not appropriate for a parent teacher conference. Anecdotally, I know it's not healthy for myself to pretend to be someone I'm not all day every day, and it's certainly not advice I would personally extend to others.
You were exhausted at the end of the work day? You mean that you got home and were tired even on the weekends? And let me see if I got this right, you're saying that intimate relationships are different than work relationships like a parent teacher conference?
The difficulty is that we need to differentiate between masking and self regulating. The way I think of it is that a mask is superficial. It's when you hide superficial traits/behavior, and the masking has no benefit other than making you look "normal." I'm autistic, so my examples are eye contact, stimming, body language, tone of voice, volume control, speed when talking, and facial expressions. All of that is superficial, and we mask so that we don't LOOK weird. Self regulating is working on things that are not skin deep, like emotional control, inflexibility, time keeping, memory, cleaning, etc. Those are not skin deep, and they do real harm to us and other people. If you can learn to regulate those things, you get a real benefit from it. That's not masking. If you ARE able to regulate those things, it can change your life for the better.
This comment perfectly encapsulates a lot of the issues I’ve been having with the entire conversation around masking, thanks for giving me the words I couldn’t find. The only thing I would add, and that I appreciate Dr Barkley for alluding to here, is that I think the concept of “masking” is a really useful model for explaining some of the hidden struggles of ADHD to neurotypicals who might not understand why we’re, say, so tired all the time - everybody knows of a time they had to pretend to be somebody they were not to fit in socially, and ultimately failed/felt hollow inside. Not everybody has experienced a lack of self-regulation that they can’t just chalk to a moral failing.
Aww... Dr. Barkley, you're so sweet. ☺️ I know you were saying that there is a good masking (such as ways to behave at funerals, weddings, etc) and bad masking (being fake to make friends and toxic people like you). That's what I taught my little boy. You didn't sound mean to me. But I can also understand how people still hurting from years of stuff got mad. In the end, you're a big softie who cares about us wacky brained peeps. ☀️💛
As someone with crippling ADHD and possibly Autism (working on figuring that out), I found the bits rather funny. The same for your lectures available on UA-cam. You might be my favorite unsung comedian 😂.
You have ADHD-Crippling presentation? I didn't know adhd affected the lower extremities. Do you have a special crippling adhd walker or do you just limp mode it along, never complaining so as not to draw attention to your crippling adhd?
Thank you Dr Barkley for apologizing. Most of us ADHDers are already trying very hard to self regulate. I believe there is a fine distinction between this effort and masking. The former is when you soften your edges a little bit, the latter is when you spend most of your day pretending like a completely different person. It is exhausting but that's not the main problem in my opinion. The worst part is, it makes you believe that you can only be lovable if you pretend to be someone else. I've spent almost 30 years with this core belief and it destroyed my sense of self and self respect completely, it made me suicidal. Of course masking is very complex but i can give a very simple example as a tiny piece of my experience: When I'm home I almost always fidget and stim: rub my hands, play with my hair, tap my hands, doodle... it helps me relax and most importantly, really helps to my focus. But starting from a very young age, I was bullied or best case scenario, my peers thought I was weird because of that. So I always tried very hard not to do any of those unless I'm home. I got so used to that now I look like a statue when I'm not home. It was especially hard during classes because i couldn't focus and listen while I was working that hard not to be fidgety. It doesnt harm anyone, it helps a lot to ADHD people, but still, we're expected not to do that because it is "weird". This is just one little piece of masking and daily life includes hundreds of behaviours like that. So yes, we should try to be more attentive, we should try to be more organized but we shouldnt be encouraged to completely abandon who we are. Because yes ADHD is not all of our identity but it is a big part. I have many hobbies and interests because of my ADHD. I am a creative designer because of my ADHD. I am enthusiastic on pleasant experiences because of my ADHD. So maybe it is not that bad to always be interested in different hobbies and pursuing them, maybe it is not harming anyone when someone is a little bit too joyful on a party.
@@MeredithDomzalski He definitely wants to help and certainly does so many great things for people with ADHD, he's the expert I trust the most due to his knowledge. But I also think he could be more compassionate about it, not that it is a necessity. But most of us lack even self compassion and we are already crushing ourselves about ADHD related dificulties we have. So we may need a little compassion from experts. It took me 2 years on therapy to learn self-compassion. And believe me I was never that type of ADHD person who takes zero accountability, I always believed everything is my fault and I wouldn't be late if I really wanted to, I woulndt procrastinate on my responsibilities etc... For almost 30 years I believed I a just a selfish, lazy, irresponsible person, low-life. I literally hated myself for the way I was. Since I am diagnosed at the age 29, until that point I struggled hugely without knowing why. And everybody thought I was just lazy because I was "so smart". That kind of self talk becomes to a habit after a while. So when I did careless mistakes, I was always saying to myself "You're just a lazy piece of sh.t." Because I believed if I cared enough I would be more careful. Same for being ALWAYS late to everything. I was never late to "life-or-death" occasions because of the stress. But it was so much that I had to see a cardiologyst because of the stress related heart issues. That was the level of "importance" I needed to be on time. And other times, I was late to classes, late to exams, late to friends wedding. And the shame I had each time was horrible. But still, I kept being late. So compassion is already hard for us to get even from ourselves. Also, family and friends usually believe it is a personality trait so they're not compassionate either. Therefore we need someone to show a little compassion about it. Definitely not sugar coating, but maybe just a little validation for how hard we try, despite that frequently we may fail. Because I know how hard I try and I have many friends trying so hard and failing sometimes. It is already very hard to believe in yourself that you can be better and you feel all of your effort is useless because you are still failing. I am very lucky that my therapist is suitable for these needs of mine. She literally saved my life when I was in a very dark place.
This is so important. Masking to the point of totally losing who we are is so destructive but of course we have to do our best to show up and be polite and get along. I agree the world and even ourselves could be a little more kind to some of our needs like maybe we just can't sit still for hours in a meeting but need a brief break and that's ok.
I personally thought your original comments were spot on and absolutely solid advise. I think I have managed to keep my life together into adulthood because my parents raised me to take responsibility for myself even though it was hard. It’s also totally appropriate to do what is kind and thoughtful for other people like biting your tongue rather than blurting out the emotional outpouring of what you feel at any given moment and also giving other people the chance to say what they want without interrupting them. You didn’t owe anyone an apology as far as I’m concerned. And no. I don’t think it’s what great scientists do. They speak the truth and they care more about truth than they care about how people feel about the truth. People not liking the truth does not make it not the truth.
I am reminded of a song by Disturbed called Down with the Sickness, in which we are exhorted to 'get down with the sickness'. While I do recommend enjoying this song within a reasonable degree of head banging, I WOULD NOT recommend getting down with the sickness.
Dr. Barkley, your videos have been instrumental in helping me understand my ADHD in a way that I was never taught when I was diagnosed at age eight. I'm 40 now, and only now on a path of self-acceptance, in large part due to educational and informative videos like yours, with yours being at the top of that list, in fact. A lot of the stigma I received from teachers and medical professionals and even my own parents when I was young definitely was triggered from your previous video. I found myself wanting to write in for clarity and in the defense of the energy that it takes to mask, but wasn't able to find the energy to do that, honestly. I found myself worrying about the efficacy of your future videos and how seriously I should be taking them. That wasn't a good feeling and I did not want to be in that place of consideration. This video only reinforces my initial feeling about you (when I discovered your videos) and the goodness and care that you give to the ADHD community. Thank you for taking the time to clarify. It means so much to me that you did that. I'm also glad that you put dad jokes in some of your videos! I think a lot of us are :)
This was timely. I was just about to post a fairly lengthy message about my concerns with the "Masking and Adult ADHD" video but then noticed this in my feed. Your clarification is greatly appreciated, and I admire your having done so. Keep up the great work, Dr. Barkley! Your research and teachings have been immeasurably helpful for those with ADHD, and those trying to understand and assist them.
I was diagnosed autistic at age 67 and now at 72 am on the path of confirming my ADHD. I never realised I was masking as it was second nature to me. It was and still is a very useful coping strategy BUT it has taken its toll. I do very much want to be my authentic self and live in a world that supports, accommodates and has compassion for me. I don't want my neurodivergence to be any sort of an excuse but I do need it to be a valid reason for why I'm different. I think it depends very much on how we are affected by our neurotype as to how much masking is best for us and others. Everyone masks at times, it's purely human but there are many different reasons. I'm an extremely "high" masker and do it all the time but have learned to be myself more with my immediate family since my diagnosis and it's definitely improved our relationships because being 3 differently neurodivergent people, we all have issues that we now understand that used to cause a lot of misunderstandings. When outside the home, I've learned to openly stim to regulate myself and nobody has noticed......that's so good but it's not so good that after asking politely for certain simple accommodations like waiting for me to process, I have reverted to my mask and just nodded and smiled in agreement of something I don't/can't understand. That's not an exhausting mask but it's got lots of repercussions that can be really exhausting. I've got CPTSD and am currently having trauma therapy and it's very clear that part of the trauma is caused by the need to mask and then dealing with the negative effects of masking. Some is caused by gaslighting due to my being undiagnosed for most of my life and making a huge effort to try to do what I thought I should be able to do and not being able to advocate for myself (this applies to my physical disabilities and illnesses too). I know I go on....apologies BUT it is important to draw the line between safe and effective coping strategies like ordinary masking and needing to mask constantly and to an extent that you live in a constant state of anxiety about the need to mask. I've always been anxious but unaware of the toll of masking but since I recognised it, the toll is greater. I don't need to mask my physical disabilities just because they aren't always convenient for others 😢
We have just begun watching your channel at the advice of our son’s new psychiatrist. This short video proves to me that we are in good hands 😊 Thank you for all the work you do! This is all been an extremely eye-opening experience. Every word you’ve been saying has resonated so powerfully with us. We’ve gone from one therapist to the next and finally feel like we have figured out the issue and see a path to a solution.
I think that the goal of such advice is to suggest that efforts to self-regulate should, themselves, be managed, to avoid burnout, or being too tired to do that in situations when it matters most. There should be times and places where it should be appropriate to let go for a bit. If I recall correctly, one of the mechanisms involved in ADHD burnout is introjection, which is the unconscious and uncritical adoption of the thoughts and personality traits of other people. If we introject that we should strive to be like neurotypical functional adults at all times, even when alone, this prevents us from letting go of intense self-control in situations when that is socially inconsequential and preserving our mental resources for situations when it isn't. Of course, simply claiming that we shouldn't self-regulate at all is equally harmful.
Yes, masking is a tool, but it’s not the right tool for every job and overusing it can be harmful, so we need to ensure we’re aware and in control of how we use it.
I admit I didn't watch the original video to the end, because I was having difficulty self-regulating (sarcasm, it works!) upon being told that one should conform to societal expectations of "normal" behavior at all times. Sure, maybe I shouldn't unleash the full force of my rejection sensitivity at a friend, but I can and will chew on a pen if it helps me focus my train of thought regardless of whether it's thought of as inappropriate.
I mena to each their own, as long as it doesnt hurt anyone. but sont forget you have to accept the consequences for your bahvior, that differs from the norm. We all know how that goes.
I got what you meant in the first video, but this video makes you even more of a hero in my eyes! Your videos are amazingly helpful, so thank you for all you're doing
As someone with both ADHD and autism, I do think that masking is necessary. When it comes to autism, however, social masking, at least for me, is unsustainable, so finding balance is necessary. I think we can apply the same thing to ADHD. I'm prone to excessive talking and info-dumping, but that doesn't mean I have to be silent during conversations. I just have to work on regulating how much I'm speaking. And when I'm around loved ones, I may not have to worry so much.
@@BrothireStrangLuve Everyone masks to some degree, the problem is when we feel the need to mask all of the time and to a degree that becomes extremely tasking and when we feel the need to become a completely different person in order to fit it. It's also a problem when we mask our true feelings and don't tell other people the things we need and also when we allow others to take advantage of us in fear of being disliked
@@kpopgrrl K-PoP Grrl, it sounds like you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of because you were afraid of being disliked. May I suggest for you to mask up so you don't share that again.
Definitely a fine line. I tend to find completing masking or completely giving in leads to increased dysregulation; the solution is generally in-between paired with some strategies of course.
Simple apologies like this are very becoming - and take very little effort. Russell is paving a wave forward here for online personalities and it’s one I appreciate!
I am grateful for the timely research you provide to the ADHD community via your channel, along with your educated scrutiny befitting a leading scholar in ADHD, despite being retired. May God bless you, your family, colleagues, and the countless people you help.
Thank you so much for this video! I didn't get a sense of being mocked myself by the previous video, but I truly respect the sincerity, openness, and professionalism you demonstrate.
I think the cost(effort) -benefit trade off is important to recognise here. It seems clear that masking or self-regulation takes a certain amount of effort, which may (?) also deplete the EF "fuel tank" as described elsewhere, so an important question is _when_ it's worth doing. So there are four quadrants to consider here: A) Low effort, high benefit: Beneficial self-regulation with no downside. B) High effort, high benefit: Beneficial self-regulation but at a higher cost. One would expect many instances to fall here rather than in (A) for someone with ADHD vs a well adjusted NT person. C) Low effort, low benefit: Probably not an issue but could still add to overall cognitive load. D) High effort, low benefit: Likely a waste of mental resources. Most of what people think of as 'masking' probably lives in quadrant (D), and may involve carrying self-regulation which is valuable in some circumstances over to other circumstances where it's less valuable. The distinction between (D) and (B) may vary between different contexts, and the self-perception may be inaccurate. Last but not least, there may be things that fall into (B) which *ought* to fall into (D), i.e. things like being enthusiastic about new interests, dress preferences etc. which could easily be more accepted rather than being considered 'weird' (as opposed to things that genuinely fall into (B), like disruptive interrupting or emotional outbursts). And of course, some forms of self-regulation which are valuable in some places may be a negative in others, e.g. suppressing the tendency to make novel connections to divergent concepts may be a negative when doing creative brainstorming.
The scientific body of knowledge about ADHD and how to manage and minimize its negative effects would be pitiful if it werebt for Dr. Barkley. Thank you for your lifetime of service and genuine compassion and advocacy for people with ADHD. Thank you, and thank God you chose ADHD for your lifes work!!!
Wonderful doctor, and wonderful channel. Please continue to make videos! I believe people like myself with ADHD need the kind of information and support that you provide, Dr. Barkley. Your willingness to be transparent and to clarify the intentions behind your messages is commendable.
It was so refreshing for me to hear that “masking” is something helpful to myself and others! Some of these articles that encourage us to drop the mask make it seem like a personal failure if you are continuing to try to self regulate! We all have a responsibility to ourselves and others.
For what its worth, I got your meaning on the Masking video. I do appreciate you taking the time to clear things up for folks who weren't following though!
Infact no matter how fancy it looks when we call ADHD a superpower, i still agree with your explanation of it being a disability of sorts, because of impairments that accompanies the superpowers. Unless we acknowledge the disability, we aren't gonna provide for support and actions required.
Who calls adhd a superpower? That is grandiosity, magical thinking, and delusion which is the trifecta to diagnose cry baby personality derangement syndrome which will be added to the DSM as it spreads throughout the population.
The more I've read your books and watched your videos/conferences, the more I get educated, the more I look for the right and professional support, the less I cry and the more I laugh with your jokes! And I truly Love your sarcasm!! It has been there ALL the time! And I guess is part of what makes you, "you", your authentic self is sarcastic. You're probably aware, you own it and give us clear example that "ownership" is having sense of humor, accepting reality, accepting the consequences of our actions and dealing with them responsibly! Which in this case was to ask apologize to those you might have offended without intention.
I have literally just finished watching yesterday's video and then I saw this new video. I thought you did a great job with yesterday's video, I thought you were VERY clear who you were mocking (and you did that, gently and with humour). I am very grateful for yesterday's video - as an adult with very newly diagnosed ADHD, and one who has in recent years been masking my rage, my bossiness, my know-it-all attitude, and my certainty that I am always right - by just being much more quiet - I appreciated the video very much and I agree one hundred percent that EVERYBODY who goes out into the world, not just us special people, are masking their true desires, opinions, and wannabe bad behaviour ALL THE TIME, in order to fit in with whatever the norm is that day. Yes, it is exhausting for us with ADHD, but I feel a bit better now that I know why I do it, and why I NEED to do it. Thank you.
I too, had left with the impression you were suggesting ADHDers should simply not express their true inner-selves, especially in social settings, etc. and this is healthy behavior. This follow-up video to clarify makes ALL the difference for me. I was actually feeling a bit shocked and a honeslty hurt at what I had taken to be your meaning from yesterday's video. Especially when you have been one of, if not THE BEST source of ADHD research, information, and empathy and advocacy, many of us see online. I had a comment typed up to post on yesterday's video along the same lines of others who responded negatively to a message perceived as a bit scolding. Well, this time, I'm actually posting, as I feel it totally warrented. Thanks for this excellent clarification video. Thanks for your continued efforts in our field, Dr. Barkley. We appreciate you!
Thank you for that clarification - people who know your work will understand that context. As always, you put the long term well being of the ADHD community first, rather than supporting the ‘let it all hang out” crowd.
I didn't hear a single instance of a mocking tone in your previous video, and was appalled by the commenters who rudely berated you for their own failure to understand the clear and very beneficial guidance you provided. There is an unfortunate trend these days to be "one's authentic self" which is basically just a cop-out to defend antisocial behavior, and people are so quick to defend their own poor decision-making. I don't subscribe to your channel because I struggle to be my "authentic self". I subscribe to your channel because I struggle to be my "BEST self", and that requires that I am able to act appropriately in social and professional environments. Thank you for everything that you do.
Thank you for making sure it's clear to everyone what your intent was. 🤓 I understood what you were going for, which is why I threw up a note about the gentle mocking and sarcasm that might not come across if people are getting all the information from subtitles. Out of all the experts, especially those who don't deal with ADHD within themselves, I agree with the vast majority of what I've seen from you over the years. It's a hell of a lot more than I can say about other experts. You look at the whole individual, in their whole life. You are direct and clear as much as you can be. Thank you for what you, Dr. Russell Barkley.
I am always encouraged to do better having followed Dr. Barkley’s example for over 20 years. Dr. Barkley is genuinely committed to excellence in scholarship of research, ethical best practice (clinical service ), a master educator, and never timid nor does he neglect clarifying when there’s any risk of misunderstanding. Thank you, Dr. J. Dixon
You have changed the lives of many people with your work. I continue to learn from you and grow as an individual thanks to your hard work and dedication to this disability, even in retirement. This doesn't pertain directly to the topic of the video. I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings related to everything you've contributed and the impact it has had on mine and many others' lives.
Thank you again Dr. Barkley for your empathic and deep knowledge of ADHD. I have learnt so much from you and am deeply grateful. I strive every day to channel your wisdom in my work.
How funny.. no clarification required from where I'm standing. Your judgement + meaning are crystal clear. Any 'upset' one may 'enjoy' strikes me as likely to be about as well-considered as the advice you've rightly called out in the first video. Which is a superb point! Hugely valuable to identify it & a quality service to us viewers going into it with sufficient depth and generous hearted consideration of its dangerous applicability, thank you. Even if much viewer/commenter outrage is heavy-handedly confected, and I can't help wonder if by an ungenerous choice in the spirit of the person 'suffering', we do see a classic example here of what a great and kindly man you are in the world for making this follow up video. But truly, you can rest assured that beneath the mask, all the honest good people know you did zero wrong, and have nothing to apologise for. Keep up the amazingly helpful and great work/hobby. Many of us appreciate your insight & perspectives more than is possible to articulate, even when wearing an articulate person mask. Cheers
Thank you for everything that you have done and continue to do! Anyone who has followed you and your work would know that you exemplify the highest level of integrity in every area. You have and continue to battle for those with ADHD on the academic front with incredible passion, persistence, compassion, and empathy. ADHD is my personal and family reality. And you are the person I trust most. I recommend you to everyone that I can personally and professionally. You are the greatest champion of individuals with ADHD. Taking that battle to social media is the bravest example of your commitment to the ADHD community. Social media can be a cruel arena. I hope and pray that your tender heart recovers from this. Please take great care of yourself. Much love and gratitude ❤ J.
This topic is fascinating, and with a bit of maturity, it shouldn't be offensive, but the internet will be the internet. Personally, I've reached a point where I just don't give a damn anymore. After repressing behaviors and words for 40 years, I found myself enjoying the discomfort of others in certain contexts. It felt like I could read them like open books. This includes many aspects I masked and tried hard to conform to, all without knowing I was doing it until my diagnosis. Here’s what I’ve concluded so far: Yes, masking is exhausting. I'm not sure if "exhausting" is the right word, but it certainly leads to anxiety and depression. Not masking also has its downsides. When I stopped masking, I found myself in situations I didn't want to be in more often, which also led to anxiety and depression. For a tangible example, I haven't earned a salary increase since I stopped masking. It’s fair enough-I acknowledge it. It isn't unfair; they don't even know what's going on, so it’s not intentional. I just don't deserve it, and I know that perfectly well. Meanwhile, when I was masking as part of my daily life, I received salary increases quite often, along with congratulations and words of recognition. And I won’t lie, that felt great. Conclusion: There's no clear win. However, for practical purposes, Dr. Barkley is right. This approach hurts less for those around you and, at least in my case, brings more sporadic joys.
I really appreciate how your original video equated this term “masking” with coping strategies. As a young adult recently diagnosed, I have been overwhelmed with the online/social media discussion of ADHD, (and the lack of evidence-based information being disseminated). As someone who was diagnosed as an adult and does well in school, I have “masked” quite effectively most of my life (I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety). I heard about masking online and suddenly had the panic of realizing that I am masking all the time…that must be terrible! After watching these videos, I understand that my “masking” is various coping strategies! The positive/negative distinction is that someone of my coping strategies are helpful (keeping many lists, fidgeting with objects to help focus, keeping eye contact in conversations to remind myself to stay engaged, etc). However, over years of living undiagnosed I have some coping strategies that are entirely unhelpful, which simply “mask” my symptoms to others, while not actually making my life easier (lying that I have completed a task, hiding dirty dishes, etc.). Now I can go forward knowing that it is healthy and good that I have ways to “mask” my ADHD, while working with myself and therapist to replace the unhealthy coping strategies. Thank you for all you do!
Thanks so much for making this video. Watching your vids has been a part of my ADHD journey, as I strive to better understand myself and my condition. I've held the things you teach in great respect, and this confirms to me that I was right to think so. Very class act.
Thank you for making this video Dr. Barkley. I picked up on the tone and it did sound like it was coming off as you were mocking people and not the article during some sections of the video. BUT as a long time viewer i knew that's NOT what you were doing and I know you care a lot for people struggling with ADHD and committed your life to helping. Others who made the assumption otherwise i think were valid and I can see how they could've been come off with that impression so I am glad you made this video to address them.
As someone who feels like I mask- for good and bad- I was not offended by your previous video haha. Mostly because so many of these adhd websites are just not great, and the way most people talk about masking and a lot of ADHD stuff is horrible. As A young person I see way too much excusing behavior because of ADHD when there needs to be a balance of forgiving yourself for who you are/bring accepting and accommodating while also working on yourself/helping others work on themselves so that we/they can become better functioning people. If he needs to apologize then so do those websites and tons of people on the Internet, because they've done way worse
You did not have to apologize. There are too many humorless crybabies in the world. You are 100% correct. Many ADHDers want to use their dx as an excuse for every conceivable character flaw. There are a ton of websites that encourage this. We appreciate you Doc, because you provide common sense and evidence based recommendations. Thank you for all your hard work!
I knew people would boo hoo over what you said, but i agreed with everything you said & how you said it. I have ADHD & autism & i really struggled when I was diagnosed because all the info from everyone, including therapists, was to unmask unashamedly. i didn't & don't want to do that. It's survival, it's polite, and it's largely beneficial. The world isn't built for us. We just have to deal with that.
Unmasking unashamedly doesn't equate to letting it all hang loose, as Dr. Barkley put it in this video. I am also ADHD and autistic. The world should not accept my bad behavior or bad decisions. The world should expect me to make good decisions societally inasmuch as I am able (just like everyone else!). However, I should expect from the world EQUITABLE (not equal) treatment, as that's what the world expects of ME. The onus is on humanity itself to care for itself. I understand, and to some extent agree with your point of survival, and I don't feel like we all have to expose ourselves. But if we all remain silent and continue to detrimentally blend in, we will continue to be ostracized by society while simultaneously enabling this thing that hurts us.
agree - though no autism, only ADHD. The masking is also a form of not hurting loved ones and that I find so important. If I didn't compensate - even though it is exhausting - in many situations I would hurt others. I have the empathy to not want to hurt my loved ones. And these might be the people that are still with me if my exhaustion gets too high and they have compassion for me in the moments I just fail to mask / compensate. They won't give me that grace if I did not try to play by the rules. We are social animals so surely we have to have rules for living together. Living a happy life for all members of society is sth to work towards.
@phail_trail he's talking about the reasonable requirement to hold back antisocial traits. As much as that's possible I agree. Of course we need to look after ourselves, but we still have the exact same social responsibility as everyone else to behave appropriately & treat others well & with respect. There's a big difference between finding good friends who can understand & accommodate us to a degree, & just letting your ND flag fly & being rude or a pest etc.
@goldenhelmet403 exactly my opinion. There are plenty of people in public who's behaviour is aberrant & I don't like that. I hold myself to the same standard. I think it's appropriate to be considerate of others. I certainly want people to be considerate of me & it goes both ways.
I have to say that you were badly misunderstood. I am sorry about that. Why your tone was taking out of context? I perfectly understood what your message was. I remember that you mentioned that you lost a family member to the collaterals of having ADHD. I know you are on our team. Thank you for your work and for giving us free information on ADHD. By the way if I get to be my authentic self all the time people I'd be rejected constantly. I know I can be overwhelming. I am a chatter box that can't sit still. I am grateful to have friends that accept me and my authenticity but I am also considerate to them because I care.
Dr. Barkley has been the best, most influential, most respected, and most beneficial ADHD guru for at least 30 years that I know of, but longer, I am sure. Some younger people may not know his name very well, and may be used to the internet's impractical (clickbait) advice to be open about their ADHD and not stress about working hard to overcome its limits, to the best of their ability. Because social media is a harsh judge wherever it can find any crack or imperfection in person, the extra sympathetic (but overly sympathetic, so not helpful) advice may well be a reaction to the serious ego and self esteem blows today's internet slings around.
This whole masking conversation needs so much more nuance. I appreciate your points and agree with much of it. I do think there's a mix up in the general discussion between continuing to work on social skills and self regulation which we need to do, and, also learning where we can relax a bit and be more of our selves such as enjoying lively converasations with other ADHDers, asking for some work or study accommodations, learning our unique needs, taking breaks, realising we don't have to push ourselves to breaking point and being a bit kinder to ourselves. A big part of masking for me before was not accommodating my needs at all which wasn't good.
Like someone already said... I have NEVER felt so seen and understood in my life! I've done this journey with you. I've cried and laughed So much. I go back to your videos whenever I feel bad, lonely, I need to cry, or I need to laugh...
Like I already said, he can't really see you. Remember when Mr. Rogers would like at the camera and you thought he was talking only to you. The difference is that Mr. Rogers wanted you to feel seen, and Dr. Barkley is simply trying to teach you about ADHD.
Well, I happen to subscribe to your channel, and encouraging viewers to watch a subsequent video for clarification is a good approach. Additionally, inviting viewers to share their experiences and perspectives is another reason I follow you, to help our mission and vision of helping our families with more resources.
That´s what science should be about. Being responsible and be accountable for the things you say and what your work is about. Thanks for listening to critique, to apologize and to explain what you meant.
Dr. Barkley, thank you for your consideration towards your audience and your respectful corrections on your previous video. From your videos and your extended work, it’s clear that you have a genuine interest in furthering the understanding of how ADHD works so that the people living with and around it can be better equipped to handle it. There’s something that’s been on my mind since watching your last video and this one that I believe is important, but which I have not noticed any discussion about in the comments. A point of interest that stood out to me from both your previous video and this one was your mention of the fact that there is no empirical or otherwise scientific evidence in relation to masking as whether it distinctively pertains to and/or harms individuals with ADHD. The conclusiveness of one of the only articles you were able to find was limited by its use of the CAT-Q, a questionnaire designed to measure the camouflaging of autistic traits. I think this highlights the aforementioned point of interest: As you stated, not only is there no evidence present, there is little to no existing research on the subject to provide evidence to define what “masking ADHD” means, to measure the extent to which individuals with ADHD are using it, and to then assess its potential benefits or harms. Perhaps the researchers in the mentioned study were jumping the gun by trying to measure the extent of ADHD masking before thoroughly defining it or developing the tools to assess it. Again, I believe that this highlights the idea that the research in this area is insufficient and inclusive. In my opinion, the level of importance attributed to the subject of masking ADHD by a significant number of individuals with the condition is an indication that it is worth being considered through research. TL;DR: There is no scientific evidence that masking is harmful to people with ADHD, but (to my knowledge) there hasn’t been enough research done to create actionable definitions or tools to adequately measure masking in individuals with ADHD, let alone study its effects. There’s no evidence that it’s harmful, but there’s not pointed evidence that it’s *not* harmful either. I think it’s a topic that needs to be researched more so that we can make more accurate and useful conclusions about it. My own assumption about this is that there is a world of nuance around masking, largely dependent on the frequency and quality of the masking. I assume that it can be a healthy coping mechanism that helps a person achieve their desired life outcomes or a maladaptive defense mechanism stemming from shame and anxiety about failure and rejection.
It's awesome that you took the time to make this video, and it's indicative of your sincerity concerning the subject and those affected.❤ I think a better way to prharse things might have been something like "there are many occasions in life where being one's authentic, unregulated self, would ilicit outcomes inconsistent with one's goals."
I enjoyed your last video and actually appreciated the tone. Firstly, the author of that article was trying to seem more credible by claiming that you'd written about something you haven't. Secondly, all of this encouragement for everyone to 100% unmask and be fully authentic can actually be harmful. It sends the message to walk away from people who don't accept you unconditionally. Instead you should find your "true friends" and "compatible teammates" who will just support you through everything you do even if you're making absolutely no effort to be considerate or reliable. Unless you want to only have imaginary friends or be surrounded by inauthentic "yes men" this is not realistic.
I would have never assumed, that you were mocking adhd people. I have come to your channel because of the speech that you gave a long time ago and I have never felt more empathy from any person in my life, while you dont even know me. I actually cried because of how much empathy you showed and thats coming from a grown man who cant remember the last time they cried before that. Thank you so much for everything that you are doing!!
Thanks for saying this, I'd like to add that often, requests to self-regulate, which is the right thing to do, are presented to us in a disrespectful and unconstructive manner that doesn't acknowledge the extra effort required. When this happens for an extended period of time and from a young age, it can become a psychological burden and makes it hard to self-regulate for the right, positive reasons, instead of out of fear of judgement and rejection. To me, masking isn't self-regulation, it's experiencing the feeling of shame associated with it. And that's something to get rid of for sure.
I appreciate the clarification. Actually, it was your previous video that made me aware that the term „masking“ is not clearly defined for ADHD and that the examples that are given on many websites are not very helpful. Seems like there is a need to define the term masking more clearly before we can move on to discussing which parts of it may be harmful under what circumstances and why. I see many comments here that resonate with me and my adhd experience: it might be a good idea to adjust to social contexts, which is obviously not a struggle exclusive to people with adhd, but at the same time we need to assess which behaviors of ours are adhd traits and how realistic and necessary it is to completely stop those („mask them“) in each context, so that we don’t, for example, burn out trying to get our house spotless every time someone comes over or refuse to invite people over when we didn’t manage to get it perfectly tidy and therefore miss out on making friends, etc. The concept of masking is a very interesting discussion to be had, I think!
I learnt one important thing from you Dr, that ADHD is a Disorder of Executive functions.. i never understood this topic much better in a few words... ❤4rmZambia 🇿🇲
I appreciate the apology & clarification & in fact got the intent first time around, but for me it was less so the tone & more that I would have liked more expansion on the topic in greater context. There are ways in which Masking exists for Neurodivergent people which can block diagnosis, can form & be the result of obstacles, & can even be fairly detrimental over time. This is apart from the benefits it can have. But if the point is that those don't exist or aren't different for ND people, then that is where the impasse exists in differing opinion/perception/experience. & that is not to say I don't appreciate all you do. I think it is great you continue to research & post videos after retirement & I especially find your work on CDS fascinating. Thank you.
Hey Doc (hopefully you don't mind me calling you Doc) - I just wanted to say that while I agreed with your prior video, and understood the tone, I appreciate you also being big enough to understand intentions don't always match reality, and a little can go a long way in bridging the gap. Thank you for being a good example, and for helping provide clear, practical guidance.
I love your work, and I find this clarification video helpful. You're the only ADHD youtube channel that I am subscribed to, even though I watch a lot of ADHD content.
The way I see it, there is a time and place for being my "unregulated, authentic self". Usually, I keep it private with my wife and my hobbies/free time. If I might need some accommodations in the future because of my ADHD I would ask for them, currently I don't (meds and other inner tools have helped me tremendously so far). Having ADHD does not mean I get to have a free pass to act however I feel like at any given moment, all humans need to regulate themselves in different social settings. I do agree that it feels exhaustive at times but that's where your own means of self-regulation come in that are specific to you. Maybe I need to go home from this party now because I am overstimulated and stressed, how do I do it without seeming rude? Just one example, there are numerous others that will surely come to your head if you think about your day-to-day life. I find the term "masking" difficult to define since the line between masking and healthy self-regulation is so thin. I think it's up to the individual to learn from their experience what kind of life they want to live and what kind of situations they want to take part in in order to not feel dysregulated all the time. Help from therapy and other tools available to us will probably be needed to find out how to get there. I do appreciate you clarifying your point with compassion Dr. Barkley, I have learned so much from your book and videos! Thank you!
Dr Barkley while I certainly appreciate you putting this clarification out, I personally didn't find your previous video at all offensive. We're not a monolith though, so I understand why this might have been needed. You remain a Scholar *and* a Gentleman as always.
I have always respected and appreciated everything Dr. Barkley has done and still does for the ADHD community. I also have to say that I admire and respect you even more for listening and taking the time to clarify and help us understand your true intent -- many thanks for doing this, it means a great deal! =]
I personally interpret it as you intended, but fully understood by people might misinterpret it as belittling their suffering. I just wanted to say thank you so much for being sincere and offering an apology to the people that were affected. It shows an authentic appreciation of the people you are talking to and the true care about their feelings and what they hold dear. Thank you for your continued contribution to the neurodivergent and ADHD community.
Thanks for setting a good example by posting videos like these, one of the many reasons I love your channel. I think you are the most credible voice on social media in relation to this topic. I also have always assumed that by your dedication to the field, and all the people with ADHD (like me) you have helped, that it's painfully obvious that you respect people with ADHD. I am a therapist and work with many patients with ADHD. I share your channel (and Dr. J Kruse's channel) with all of my patients. Thanks for everything, as you have helped me and my patients tremendously.
Thank you for reading and caring enough to address our comments. Of all people who speak about ADHD, I am glad to know that you are not unsympathetic to the pain and shame many of us carry.
Self-regulation is crucial, "IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO" as stated in the video, and it's a personal journey. From my own experience perspective and observing friends who also experience/have ADHD as well, sometimes managing emotions can be easier than for neurotypicals, especially under high levels of stress, I've seen others panic while I am able to remain calm. However, the focus should be on improving our own emotional management, regardless of ADHD or the level of symptoms. It's not about comparing with others but enhancing our own ability to self-regulate.
Carlos Breath Balance Coach, do you think that False Guru Personality Disorder is: 1. an old disorder removed from the DSM 2. an existing disorder in the current DSM or 3. will be added to the next DSM
That is what a great scientist does, clarify and apologize for misunderstandings.
that's really deep, keep up the good commenting
Russell is a legend - this is more of what we need in the world!
Yes. Truly amazing credibility and intent. I feel lucky to know of his work.
Yes...he is a great scientist but there was no need for him to apologize. It was the viewers who misunderstand what masking is and the difference between masking and self-regulation. Masking autism is quite different than learning to self-regulate (as every other human being has to learn), which is more challenging for people with ADHD.
Clarifying sure. But other people not liking to hear the truth does not need an apology. If you feel offended it’s on you to figure out why and whether or not anything actually offensive was said. It wasn’t as far as I’m concerned.
The fact you're willing to listen to people's experiences, offer an apology, and change your perspective when presented with new information is a big part of why we respect you & your work.
A real class act Dr. Barkley. I wish we had more medical professionals like you.
Totally agree!
I also didn't see it as mocking at all! :D
Much more think that masking, at least as I understand it. Is the very extreme and self destructing form of trying to cope.
Everyone needs to own there ADHD and find a way to cope with it. To me, masking is when people take it to the extreme. And don't talk to people to work out solutions, but burn them self out by just suppressing. Until it doesn't work anymore.
Amen!
He didn't change his perspective. He said he was right and you misinterpreted his video.
@BBanalyst well then, what was said was easily open to misinterpretation. Clearly, a lot of people misinterpreted what was said in a similar way.
Dr Barkley's apology has increased my respect for him.
@@BBanalystNo, he apologised for failing to make the distinction he was intending to make and thus causing confusion, and specifically changed his perspective on how heavy handed and the tone he used when presenting as well as changing his perspective on not clarifying the mental exhaustion masking can cause.
While the clarification is appreciated, anyone who has followed your body of work should know you have tremendous empathy and understanding of the plight of those with ADHD and would never mock our struggles. Appreciate everything you have done and continue for ADHD Dr. Barkley!
I agree. I commented on that last video but given Dr. Barkley's lifelong dedication to education and treatment, I in no way thought myself mocked. The more people that understand the root cause and subsequent effects of ADHD, the less masking we'll have to do. That doesn't mean we shouldn't still have strategies to reduce the daily impact of our symptoms. I think "we all have to mask" comes off like "we're all a little ADHD". Being late diagnosed, the reaction might be a response to our struggle with honestly understanding and accepting ourselves. Now knowing where all our energy goes.
Unmasking with ADHD just means that we can openly enlist others in our struggles and efforts. The more people in our lives that know, hopefully that would translate into masking less, thereby reducing the stress, depression and energy expenditure of pretending everything is fine.
Yes, mask to reduce friction with others (if you care) but do what you can to include others, ask for help and reduce the drain. My simple one has been, "Yup, I have ADHD and can be 15 minutes late. If you absolutely need me somewhere at a specific time, tell me to shoot for a time 15 minutes earlier."
Man, I just can't make short comments. 😞
I couldn't have said that any better myself. 100% agree
Keep doing your thing Dr. Barkley, you are greatly appreciated!
Not all of us have followed it. And while I did hyperfocus on learning everything I possibly could when getting diagnosed and that lead me to come across doctor Barkley's UA-cam *and* books. I think it's important for him to realize that some people will take things the wrong way. And I appreciate that he took the time to clarify what he meant and to apologize for the misunderstanding
Agree 100%❤
@@NoLies17 I agree with your points...but I think there is some confusion with the difference between learning to self-regulate and the "masking" that individuals with ASD engage in. It is not like people with ADHD behave differently to hide their neurodiversity but that they are exhausted by trying to be socially respectful, which involve the core symptoms (delays) which are inherent within the diagnosis of ADHD itself.
Having ADHD myself, I didn't think of it as mocking us, but I can see how people might've picked up on it as such. Glad to hear the clarification all the same though.
Anybody who actually follows your work or watches your videos knows that you would never insult or intentionally harm anyone in the ADHD community, but it was also so kind of you to take the time address those who vocalized this. I hope they return to see all the information you have to share, because it is valuable.
100k subs and an apology video? Congrats Dr. Barkley, you’re officially a fully fledged UA-camr! 😂 it’s a UA-camr right of passage
The fact that he can remain humble and accept a counterpoint is what makes a great scholar in my eyes.
No not just a great scholar this man is a warrior poet AND a gigachad.
I think an important nuance that gets lost in these “masking is terrible” articles - which is what I understand Dr. Barkley is trying to highlight - is the tricky concept of “authentic self”… I would like to think my “authentic” self is kind, respectful, caring & giving. ADHD symptoms that cause me to act in ways that hurt people are not my “true” self (I hope!!!) - they ARE a hindrance to expressing my authentic feelings.
A good example of this is being mindful about not interrupting. Yes, impulsivity makes this hard, but that impulsivity is part of my neurology, NOT MY CHARACTER. My authentic self doesn’t want to make people feel belittled. Ever. So I fight the impulse to interrupt, and I apologize when I fail. This isn’t masking - it is being true to who I want to be.
On the flip side, tamping down my natural exuberance because I fear rejection for being “too much” IS unhealthy masking because it denies a part of myself that DOES feel true and congruent with who I would like to be. But this is true for plenty of naturally exuberant people without ADHD -- they just tend to handle the situation better because they are better able to “dial it in” more precisely and consistently and/or experience less intense reactions to real or perceived rejection
ADHD shapes my perceptions and behaviors. So does being tall. And clumsy. And a fast reader. All these things are measurable realities about me. But none of them individually or ultimately dictate my authentic self - I get to choose and work towards what I want that to be. And a huge part of that process is identifying and managing the symptoms and sequelae of ADHD that hold me back.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 😂
Well said!
That is such a good explanation!
some people call me crap, lazy, slacker, narcissistic, drug user, internet addict, haphazard, troll, shitty person, traumatized, prideful, mocking, aggressive, irritable, hater, hateful, dark, deranged, dangerous, anti-social, unpredictable, impulsive, disrespectful, trigger happy, triggering, vain, smart when I apply myself, smart-ass, smart-aleck, ass man, quick witted, dim witted, facetious, anti-authority, probably abused, toxic, works hard when he puts his mind to it, greedy, jealous, vengeful, petty, sad, lonely, and wound up...... BUT I don't consider any of that to be part of CHARACTER. I blame it all on neurotransmitter receptors in my frontal cortex.
@@Dicegirl13 thank you
@@er6730 thanks
No need to apologize IMO, we just need to be really thankful for your work here.
Totally
I get my advice from you, not some random website. Thank you.
As with most if not all things, there exists (the need for) nuance. I think Dr. Barkley is correct to point out that many accessible websites tend to misrepresent what masking actually is and what our collective response to it should be. It’s not “hey, just show up late for that crucial interview. If they can’t understand you have trouble with executive functioning and time management then who needs em??”.
Masking is distinct from self-regulation. Masking is what happens when you either don’t engage in self-regulation or take it too far and wind up suppressing or altering fundamental parts of yourself in the long term to appease others for, likely, fear of reprisal. I’m not masking if I make a concerted effort to show up on time and am not a sweaty, frantic mess who begins to over-share on the justifications for my tardiness.
Masking is real and is most often problematic as you struggle to work against your condition (e.g. AD(H)D) instead of *with* it. But there should not be a propagation of advice, then, to “just let it all hang out” at all times and irrespective of context, as Dr. Barkley points out. That’s equally problematic.
This!
Exactly! Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. There was no need for Dr. Barkley to apologize. His initial video was spot on. It was the viewers who misunderstand what masking is and the difference between masking and self-regulation. Masking autism is quite different than learning to self-regulate (as every other human being has to learn), which can be more challenging for people with ADHD.
Thankyou for making this video, very much appreciated and apology accepted. You're very right that no one should just be going out in society completely unregulated. Articles like these tend to use hyperbole and the whole 'adhd super power' shtick to turn everything into a positive, which you're right can lead to some of the severe societal impacts that people with ADHD experience if their behaviours are out of line.
you should apologize
The truly knowledgeable professional does not need to put others down or act like they know everything. You exemplify this perfectly.
Your expertise does not prevent you from being humble, and we are so lucky to have you. I have a great deal of respect for you because you treat all of us with such respect.
As always, I wish you all the best and good health. We need more people like you in our communities.
It’s common for people to express their appreciation for others only after they are gone, and I don’t believe in that. Too often, we focus on criticizing or overlooking the good things others do. I think it’s important to let people know how much they mean to us while they are still with us.
We will miss you dearly when the time comes, but that’s not going to happen any time soon, so please take care of yourself. Your family, friends, colleagues need you, and so do we.
You are truly appreciated.
Hey! Don't even say that! Doc Lo queremos tanto tanto tanto! You can't imagine! Thank you thank you forever thank you! I've created accounts that then I forget so I have to create a new one many times... Only to be able to comment here and insist on how much we appreciate you!!! Long life to our king 😊!! No te mueras Nunca Barkley !!!
I realized a long time ago that when something you say starts to grind my teeth, it's probably sarcasm. I understood the first video perfectly, and I really appreciate the effort you make to keep everyone informed about ADHD. Greetings from Argentina!
I had to self regulate in my previous career so much that at the end of the day I was too exhausted to engage in anything else after work or during weekends. I was just wiped out. I can see self regulating for a career or survival. Some careers are better environments than others for that "downtime" and not having to be socially "on" all day. I burnt out and became a shell of myself as a result. Depressed, irritable to those I loved, not taking care of my mind or my body. I had no self discipline left to make good choices for me or to be a pleasant person outside of work.
I left that career because I don't want to suppress my traits like talking a lot, switching topics, just being very excitable, being a "bit much", having five thousand interests, coming across a bit "ditsy", etc. I have had great luck searching out other ND people who understand and socialize similarly and have many more friends now than before.
Sometimes my behavior may inconvenience others and to that I say - sometimes other people's behaviors inconvenience me! It goes both ways whether someone is ND or not! Thirty four years on this earth and I have yet to meet New Jesus! After decades of being overly accommodating to the needs of others and always assuming the problem is me, I allow myself to take up space in the world and be myself. Sometimes my existence is going to be inconvenient for those around me. It's a part of the human experience. While I strive to be polite, I don't strive to act neurotypical. I don't like everyone and not everyone has to like me either.
I think where I found the most offense in yesterday's video was this: that not participating in self regulation means that no one will be friends with me, or that it is inconsiderate to those around me to be myself. To imply that being ADHD in public is similar to audibly passing gas in polite company was a bit of a wild take. I didn't think you meant it like that but I was like 'who am I listening to right now?'.
To conclude, I simply don't agree with the notion that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to be liked by people I don't care about. I love being me. I'm interesting, genuinely kind, and pretty hilarious. Some people think I'm great. Some people are just not going to "get it" and that is absolutely fine.
I think a distinction should be made between professional social situations and socializing with personal friends or potential friends. I have also anecdotally observed that self regulation and "masking" quickly spends the finite self discipline we all as people have. Using some intentionality when deciding when to schedule or participate in situations where we can't be ourselves is important. Being yourself and being real and vulnerable deepens personal connections - which is great for developing intimate relationships but maybe not appropriate for a parent teacher conference. Anecdotally, I know it's not healthy for myself to pretend to be someone I'm not all day every day, and it's certainly not advice I would personally extend to others.
You were exhausted at the end of the work day? You mean that you got home and were tired even on the weekends? And let me see if I got this right, you're saying that intimate relationships are different than work relationships like a parent teacher conference?
@@BrothireStrangLuve - Let me see if I got this right: you’re not saying it, but you get off on trolling. Correct?
@@sfstucco Correct.
You're the best, you are really helping me understand ADHD in my family. Thank you.
The difficulty is that we need to differentiate between masking and self regulating. The way I think of it is that a mask is superficial. It's when you hide superficial traits/behavior, and the masking has no benefit other than making you look "normal." I'm autistic, so my examples are eye contact, stimming, body language, tone of voice, volume control, speed when talking, and facial expressions. All of that is superficial, and we mask so that we don't LOOK weird.
Self regulating is working on things that are not skin deep, like emotional control, inflexibility, time keeping, memory, cleaning, etc. Those are not skin deep, and they do real harm to us and other people. If you can learn to regulate those things, you get a real benefit from it. That's not masking. If you ARE able to regulate those things, it can change your life for the better.
can you pass the oil and vinegar for this word salad please
@@BrothireStrangLuve Does lashing out at strangers make you feel good?
This comment perfectly encapsulates a lot of the issues I’ve been having with the entire conversation around masking, thanks for giving me the words I couldn’t find.
The only thing I would add, and that I appreciate Dr Barkley for alluding to here, is that I think the concept of “masking” is a really useful model for explaining some of the hidden struggles of ADHD to neurotypicals who might not understand why we’re, say, so tired all the time - everybody knows of a time they had to pretend to be somebody they were not to fit in socially, and ultimately failed/felt hollow inside. Not everybody has experienced a lack of self-regulation that they can’t just chalk to a moral failing.
@@unnotabelle thanks
@@JWildberry lashing out at cry baby false victims larping as experts is what makes me feel good.
I've been masking in social situations for most of my life. It is what has allowed me to function in society. Your advice is great.
Aww... Dr. Barkley, you're so sweet. ☺️
I know you were saying that there is a good masking (such as ways to behave at funerals, weddings, etc) and bad masking (being fake to make friends and toxic people like you). That's what I taught my little boy.
You didn't sound mean to me. But I can also understand how people still hurting from years of stuff got mad.
In the end, you're a big softie who cares about us wacky brained peeps. ☀️💛
As someone with crippling ADHD and possibly Autism (working on figuring that out), I found the bits rather funny. The same for your lectures available on UA-cam. You might be my favorite unsung comedian 😂.
Exactly!!!!
You have ADHD-Crippling presentation? I didn't know adhd affected the lower extremities. Do you have a special crippling adhd walker or do you just limp mode it along, never complaining so as not to draw attention to your crippling adhd?
Thank you Dr Barkley for apologizing.
Most of us ADHDers are already trying very hard to self regulate. I believe there is a fine distinction between this effort and masking.
The former is when you soften your edges a little bit, the latter is when you spend most of your day pretending like a completely different person. It is exhausting but that's not the main problem in my opinion.
The worst part is, it makes you believe that you can only be lovable if you pretend to be someone else. I've spent almost 30 years with this core belief and it destroyed my sense of self and self respect completely, it made me suicidal.
Of course masking is very complex but i can give a very simple example as a tiny piece of my experience:
When I'm home I almost always fidget and stim: rub my hands, play with my hair, tap my hands, doodle... it helps me relax and most importantly, really helps to my focus.
But starting from a very young age, I was bullied or best case scenario, my peers thought I was weird because of that.
So I always tried very hard not to do any of those unless I'm home.
I got so used to that now I look like a statue when I'm not home.
It was especially hard during classes because i couldn't focus and listen while I was working that hard not to be fidgety.
It doesnt harm anyone, it helps a lot to ADHD people, but still, we're expected not to do that because it is "weird".
This is just one little piece of masking and daily life includes hundreds of behaviours like that.
So yes, we should try to be more attentive, we should try to be more organized but we shouldnt be encouraged to completely abandon who we are.
Because yes ADHD is not all of our identity but it is a big part.
I have many hobbies and interests because of my ADHD.
I am a creative designer because of my ADHD.
I am enthusiastic on pleasant experiences because of my ADHD.
So maybe it is not that bad to always be interested in different hobbies and pursuing them, maybe it is not harming anyone when someone is a little bit too joyful on a party.
As a fellow ADHDer, I really appreciate this comment and hope Dr. Barkley takes it to heart.
@@MeredithDomzalski He definitely wants to help and certainly does so many great things for people with ADHD, he's the expert I trust the most due to his knowledge.
But I also think he could be more compassionate about it, not that it is a necessity.
But most of us lack even self compassion and we are already crushing ourselves about ADHD related dificulties we have.
So we may need a little compassion from experts.
It took me 2 years on therapy to learn self-compassion.
And believe me I was never that type of ADHD person who takes zero accountability, I always believed everything is my fault and I wouldn't be late if I really wanted to, I woulndt procrastinate on my responsibilities etc...
For almost 30 years I believed I a just a selfish, lazy, irresponsible person, low-life.
I literally hated myself for the way I was.
Since I am diagnosed at the age 29, until that point I struggled hugely without knowing why.
And everybody thought I was just lazy because I was "so smart".
That kind of self talk becomes to a habit after a while.
So when I did careless mistakes, I was always saying to myself "You're just a lazy piece of sh.t." Because I believed if I cared enough I would be more careful.
Same for being ALWAYS late to everything.
I was never late to "life-or-death" occasions because of the stress.
But it was so much that I had to see a cardiologyst because of the stress related heart issues.
That was the level of "importance" I needed to be on time.
And other times, I was late to classes, late to exams, late to friends wedding.
And the shame I had each time was horrible.
But still, I kept being late.
So compassion is already hard for us to get even from ourselves.
Also, family and friends usually believe it is a personality trait so they're not compassionate either.
Therefore we need someone to show a little compassion about it.
Definitely not sugar coating, but maybe just a little validation for how hard we try, despite that frequently we may fail.
Because I know how hard I try and I have many friends trying so hard and failing sometimes.
It is already very hard to believe in yourself that you can be better and you feel all of your effort is useless because you are still failing.
I am very lucky that my therapist is suitable for these needs of mine.
She literally saved my life when I was in a very dark place.
This is so important. Masking to the point of totally losing who we are is so destructive but of course we have to do our best to show up and be polite and get along. I agree the world and even ourselves could be a little more kind to some of our needs like maybe we just can't sit still for hours in a meeting but need a brief break and that's ok.
This comment is so important, and I really hope that Dr.
Barkley takes it to heart.
@@sensitiveself how can you lose who your are?
I personally thought your original comments were spot on and absolutely solid advise. I think I have managed to keep my life together into adulthood because my parents raised me to take responsibility for myself even though it was hard. It’s also totally appropriate to do what is kind and thoughtful for other people like biting your tongue rather than blurting out the emotional outpouring of what you feel at any given moment and also giving other people the chance to say what they want without interrupting them. You didn’t owe anyone an apology as far as I’m concerned. And no. I don’t think it’s what great scientists do. They speak the truth and they care more about truth than they care about how people feel about the truth. People not liking the truth does not make it not the truth.
"Just act how you feel" is good advice for maybe 10% of the population.
I am reminded of a song by Disturbed called Down with the Sickness, in which we are exhorted to 'get down with the sickness'. While I do recommend enjoying this song within a reasonable degree of head banging, I WOULD NOT recommend getting down with the sickness.
@@analyzeit2622 If you won't recommend it then I will: get down with the sickness
Dr. Barkley, your videos have been instrumental in helping me understand my ADHD in a way that I was never taught when I was diagnosed at age eight. I'm 40 now, and only now on a path of self-acceptance, in large part due to educational and informative videos like yours, with yours being at the top of that list, in fact.
A lot of the stigma I received from teachers and medical professionals and even my own parents when I was young definitely was triggered from your previous video. I found myself wanting to write in for clarity and in the defense of the energy that it takes to mask, but wasn't able to find the energy to do that, honestly. I found myself worrying about the efficacy of your future videos and how seriously I should be taking them. That wasn't a good feeling and I did not want to be in that place of consideration.
This video only reinforces my initial feeling about you (when I discovered your videos) and the goodness and care that you give to the ADHD community.
Thank you for taking the time to clarify. It means so much to me that you did that. I'm also glad that you put dad jokes in some of your videos! I think a lot of us are :)
This was timely. I was just about to post a fairly lengthy message about my concerns with the "Masking and Adult ADHD" video but then noticed this in my feed. Your clarification is greatly appreciated, and I admire your having done so. Keep up the great work, Dr. Barkley! Your research and teachings have been immeasurably helpful for those with ADHD, and those trying to understand and assist them.
I was diagnosed autistic at age 67 and now at 72 am on the path of confirming my ADHD.
I never realised I was masking as it was second nature to me. It was and still is a very useful coping strategy BUT it has taken its toll.
I do very much want to be my authentic self and live in a world that supports, accommodates and has compassion for me. I don't want my neurodivergence to be any sort of an excuse but I do need it to be a valid reason for why I'm different.
I think it depends very much on how we are affected by our neurotype as to how much masking is best for us and others.
Everyone masks at times, it's purely human but there are many different reasons.
I'm an extremely "high" masker and do it all the time but have learned to be myself more with my immediate family since my diagnosis and it's definitely improved our relationships because being 3 differently neurodivergent people, we all have issues that we now understand that used to cause a lot of misunderstandings.
When outside the home, I've learned to openly stim to regulate myself and nobody has noticed......that's so good but it's not so good that after asking politely for certain simple accommodations like waiting for me to process, I have reverted to my mask and just nodded and smiled in agreement of something I don't/can't understand. That's not an exhausting mask but it's got lots of repercussions that can be really exhausting.
I've got CPTSD and am currently having trauma therapy and it's very clear that part of the trauma is caused by the need to mask and then dealing with the negative effects of masking. Some is caused by gaslighting due to my being undiagnosed for most of my life and making a huge effort to try to do what I thought I should be able to do and not being able to advocate for myself (this applies to my physical disabilities and illnesses too).
I know I go on....apologies BUT it is important to draw the line between safe and effective coping strategies like ordinary masking and needing to mask constantly and to an extent that you live in a constant state of anxiety about the need to mask. I've always been anxious but unaware of the toll of masking but since I recognised it, the toll is greater.
I don't need to mask my physical disabilities just because they aren't always convenient for others 😢
We have just begun watching your channel at the advice of our son’s new psychiatrist. This short video proves to me that we are in good hands 😊
Thank you for all the work you do! This is all been an extremely eye-opening experience. Every word you’ve been saying has resonated so powerfully with us. We’ve gone from one therapist to the next and finally feel like we have figured out the issue and see a path to a solution.
I think that the goal of such advice is to suggest that efforts to self-regulate should, themselves, be managed, to avoid burnout, or being too tired to do that in situations when it matters most. There should be times and places where it should be appropriate to let go for a bit. If I recall correctly, one of the mechanisms involved in ADHD burnout is introjection, which is the unconscious and uncritical adoption of the thoughts and personality traits of other people. If we introject that we should strive to be like neurotypical functional adults at all times, even when alone, this prevents us from letting go of intense self-control in situations when that is socially inconsequential and preserving our mental resources for situations when it isn't. Of course, simply claiming that we shouldn't self-regulate at all is equally harmful.
Yes, masking is a tool, but it’s not the right tool for every job and overusing it can be harmful, so we need to ensure we’re aware and in control of how we use it.
I admit I didn't watch the original video to the end, because I was having difficulty self-regulating (sarcasm, it works!) upon being told that one should conform to societal expectations of "normal" behavior at all times. Sure, maybe I shouldn't unleash the full force of my rejection sensitivity at a friend, but I can and will chew on a pen if it helps me focus my train of thought regardless of whether it's thought of as inappropriate.
I mena to each their own, as long as it doesnt hurt anyone. but sont forget you have to accept the consequences for your bahvior, that differs from the norm. We all know how that goes.
@@kissa3168 hahahaha best comment! Same here!
@@kissa3168 exactly this. Some unmasking like doing our focused work in a way that suits us hurts no one and helps us so much.
I got what you meant in the first video, but this video makes you even more of a hero in my eyes! Your videos are amazingly helpful, so thank you for all you're doing
You’re amazing! Anyone that knows you, knows you’re a champion for us!!
As someone with both ADHD and autism, I do think that masking is necessary. When it comes to autism, however, social masking, at least for me, is unsustainable, so finding balance is necessary. I think we can apply the same thing to ADHD. I'm prone to excessive talking and info-dumping, but that doesn't mean I have to be silent during conversations. I just have to work on regulating how much I'm speaking. And when I'm around loved ones, I may not have to worry so much.
@@BrothireStrangLuve Everyone masks to some degree, the problem is when we feel the need to mask all of the time and to a degree that becomes extremely tasking and when we feel the need to become a completely different person in order to fit it. It's also a problem when we mask our true feelings and don't tell other people the things we need and also when we allow others to take advantage of us in fear of being disliked
@@kpopgrrl K-PoP Grrl, it sounds like you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of because you were afraid of being disliked. May I suggest for you to mask up so you don't share that again.
@@BrothireStrangLuve You may not
@@kpopgrrl One last question, do you think that Poor Me personality disorder should have been removed from the DSM?
Definitely a fine line. I tend to find completing masking or completely giving in leads to increased dysregulation; the solution is generally in-between paired with some strategies of course.
Great man who self-corrects! Thanks- I am a fan!
This was not self-correction! This was clarification. Big difference
Simple apologies like this are very becoming - and take very little effort. Russell is paving a wave forward here for online personalities and it’s one I appreciate!
@@howdydoody-f5r you sound like you're a big fan of apologies
Thank you Dr. Barkley for all the information you've put out into the world, and for taking the hacks to task.
I am grateful for the timely research you provide to the ADHD community via your channel, along with your educated scrutiny befitting a leading scholar in ADHD, despite being retired. May God bless you, your family, colleagues, and the countless people you help.
Thank you so much for this video! I didn't get a sense of being mocked myself by the previous video, but I truly respect the sincerity, openness, and professionalism you demonstrate.
I think the cost(effort) -benefit trade off is important to recognise here. It seems clear that masking or self-regulation takes a certain amount of effort, which may (?) also deplete the EF "fuel tank" as described elsewhere, so an important question is _when_ it's worth doing.
So there are four quadrants to consider here:
A) Low effort, high benefit: Beneficial self-regulation with no downside.
B) High effort, high benefit: Beneficial self-regulation but at a higher cost. One would expect many instances to fall here rather than in (A) for someone with ADHD vs a well adjusted NT person.
C) Low effort, low benefit: Probably not an issue but could still add to overall cognitive load.
D) High effort, low benefit: Likely a waste of mental resources.
Most of what people think of as 'masking' probably lives in quadrant (D), and may involve carrying self-regulation which is valuable in some circumstances over to other circumstances where it's less valuable. The distinction between (D) and (B) may vary between different contexts, and the self-perception may be inaccurate. Last but not least, there may be things that fall into (B) which *ought* to fall into (D), i.e. things like being enthusiastic about new interests, dress preferences etc. which could easily be more accepted rather than being considered 'weird' (as opposed to things that genuinely fall into (B), like disruptive interrupting or emotional outbursts).
And of course, some forms of self-regulation which are valuable in some places may be a negative in others, e.g. suppressing the tendency to make novel connections to divergent concepts may be a negative when doing creative brainstorming.
The scientific body of knowledge about ADHD and how to manage and minimize its negative effects would be pitiful if it werebt for Dr. Barkley. Thank you for your lifetime of service and genuine compassion and advocacy for people with ADHD. Thank you, and thank God you chose ADHD for your lifes work!!!
Wonderful doctor, and wonderful channel. Please continue to make videos! I believe people like myself with ADHD need the kind of information and support that you provide, Dr. Barkley. Your willingness to be transparent and to clarify the intentions behind your messages is commendable.
It was so refreshing for me to hear that “masking” is something helpful to myself and others! Some of these articles that encourage us to drop the mask make it seem like a personal failure if you are continuing to try to self regulate! We all have a responsibility to ourselves and others.
For what its worth, I got your meaning on the Masking video. I do appreciate you taking the time to clear things up for folks who weren't following though!
I think your reputation precedes you, no apology necessary!
Infact no matter how fancy it looks when we call ADHD a superpower, i still agree with your explanation of it being a disability of sorts, because of impairments that accompanies the superpowers. Unless we acknowledge the disability, we aren't gonna provide for support and actions required.
Who calls adhd a superpower? That is grandiosity, magical thinking, and delusion which is the trifecta to diagnose cry baby personality derangement syndrome which will be added to the DSM as it spreads throughout the population.
The more I've read your books and watched your videos/conferences, the more I get educated, the more I look for the right and professional support, the less I cry and the more I laugh with your jokes! And I truly Love your sarcasm!! It has been there ALL the time! And I guess is part of what makes you, "you", your authentic self is sarcastic. You're probably aware, you own it and give us clear example that "ownership" is having sense of humor, accepting reality, accepting the consequences of our actions and dealing with them responsibly! Which in this case was to ask apologize to those you might have offended without intention.
I have literally just finished watching yesterday's video and then I saw this new video. I thought you did a great job with yesterday's video, I thought you were VERY clear who you were mocking (and you did that, gently and with humour). I am very grateful for yesterday's video - as an adult with very newly diagnosed ADHD, and one who has in recent years been masking my rage, my bossiness, my know-it-all attitude, and my certainty that I am always right - by just being much more quiet - I appreciated the video very much and I agree one hundred percent that EVERYBODY who goes out into the world, not just us special people, are masking their true desires, opinions, and wannabe bad behaviour ALL THE TIME, in order to fit in with whatever the norm is that day. Yes, it is exhausting for us with ADHD, but I feel a bit better now that I know why I do it, and why I NEED to do it. Thank you.
I knew exactly what you meant Dr.B ! I thought you were hilarious! You’re the best 🏆
Could you tell about nootropics and ADHD? Like noopept. BTW your work is amazing. Tks for all. God bless you
I too, had left with the impression you were suggesting ADHDers should simply not express their true inner-selves, especially in social settings, etc. and this is healthy behavior. This follow-up video to clarify makes ALL the difference for me. I was actually feeling a bit shocked and a honeslty hurt at what I had taken to be your meaning from yesterday's video. Especially when you have been one of, if not THE BEST source of ADHD research, information, and empathy and advocacy, many of us see online.
I had a comment typed up to post on yesterday's video along the same lines of others who responded negatively to a message perceived as a bit scolding. Well, this time, I'm actually posting, as I feel it totally warrented. Thanks for this excellent clarification video. Thanks for your continued efforts in our field, Dr. Barkley. We appreciate you!
Thank you for that clarification - people who know your work will understand that context. As always, you put the long term well being of the ADHD community first, rather than supporting the ‘let it all hang out” crowd.
I didn't hear a single instance of a mocking tone in your previous video, and was appalled by the commenters who rudely berated you for their own failure to understand the clear and very beneficial guidance you provided. There is an unfortunate trend these days to be "one's authentic self" which is basically just a cop-out to defend antisocial behavior, and people are so quick to defend their own poor decision-making.
I don't subscribe to your channel because I struggle to be my "authentic self". I subscribe to your channel because I struggle to be my "BEST self", and that requires that I am able to act appropriately in social and professional environments. Thank you for everything that you do.
Thank you for making sure it's clear to everyone what your intent was. 🤓
I understood what you were going for, which is why I threw up a note about the gentle mocking and sarcasm that might not come across if people are getting all the information from subtitles.
Out of all the experts, especially those who don't deal with ADHD within themselves, I agree with the vast majority of what I've seen from you over the years. It's a hell of a lot more than I can say about other experts. You look at the whole individual, in their whole life. You are direct and clear as much as you can be.
Thank you for what you, Dr. Russell Barkley.
I am always encouraged to do better having followed Dr. Barkley’s example for over 20 years. Dr. Barkley is genuinely committed to excellence in scholarship of research, ethical best practice (clinical service ), a master educator, and never timid nor does he neglect clarifying when there’s any risk of misunderstanding. Thank you, Dr. J. Dixon
You have changed the lives of many people with your work. I continue to learn from you and grow as an individual thanks to your hard work and dedication to this disability, even in retirement. This doesn't pertain directly to the topic of the video. I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings related to everything you've contributed and the impact it has had on mine and many others' lives.
Thank you again Dr. Barkley for your empathic and deep knowledge of ADHD. I have learnt so much from you and am deeply grateful. I strive every day to channel your wisdom in my work.
How funny.. no clarification required from where I'm standing. Your judgement + meaning are crystal clear. Any 'upset' one may 'enjoy' strikes me as likely to be about as well-considered as the advice you've rightly called out in the first video. Which is a superb point! Hugely valuable to identify it & a quality service to us viewers going into it with sufficient depth and generous hearted consideration of its dangerous applicability, thank you. Even if much viewer/commenter outrage is heavy-handedly confected, and I can't help wonder if by an ungenerous choice in the spirit of the person 'suffering', we do see a classic example here of what a great and kindly man you are in the world for making this follow up video. But truly, you can rest assured that beneath the mask, all the honest good people know you did zero wrong, and have nothing to apologise for. Keep up the amazingly helpful and great work/hobby. Many of us appreciate your insight & perspectives more than is possible to articulate, even when wearing an articulate person mask. Cheers
Thank you for everything that you have done and continue to do!
Anyone who has followed you and your work would know that you exemplify the highest level of integrity in every area.
You have and continue to battle for those with ADHD on the academic front with incredible passion, persistence, compassion, and empathy.
ADHD is my personal and family reality. And you are the person I trust most. I recommend you to everyone that I can personally and professionally.
You are the greatest champion of individuals with ADHD.
Taking that battle to social media is the bravest example of your commitment to the ADHD community.
Social media can be a cruel arena. I hope and pray that your tender heart recovers from this. Please take great care of yourself.
Much love and gratitude ❤
J.
This topic is fascinating, and with a bit of maturity, it shouldn't be offensive, but the internet will be the internet. Personally, I've reached a point where I just don't give a damn anymore. After repressing behaviors and words for 40 years, I found myself enjoying the discomfort of others in certain contexts. It felt like I could read them like open books.
This includes many aspects I masked and tried hard to conform to, all without knowing I was doing it until my diagnosis. Here’s what I’ve concluded so far:
Yes, masking is exhausting. I'm not sure if "exhausting" is the right word, but it certainly leads to anxiety and depression.
Not masking also has its downsides. When I stopped masking, I found myself in situations I didn't want to be in more often, which also led to anxiety and depression.
For a tangible example, I haven't earned a salary increase since I stopped masking. It’s fair enough-I acknowledge it. It isn't unfair; they don't even know what's going on, so it’s not intentional. I just don't deserve it, and I know that perfectly well. Meanwhile, when I was masking as part of my daily life, I received salary increases quite often, along with congratulations and words of recognition. And I won’t lie, that felt great.
Conclusion: There's no clear win. However, for practical purposes, Dr. Barkley is right. This approach hurts less for those around you and, at least in my case, brings more sporadic joys.
Bless you Dr Barkley for your genuine contrition and for correcting the record. Much appreciated. ❤
I’ve always respected Dr. Barkley, and this brief video validates that view, and makes me respect him ever more. Thank you, sir.
I really appreciate how your original video equated this term “masking” with coping strategies. As a young adult recently diagnosed, I have been overwhelmed with the online/social media discussion of ADHD, (and the lack of evidence-based information being disseminated). As someone who was diagnosed as an adult and does well in school, I have “masked” quite effectively most of my life (I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety). I heard about masking online and suddenly had the panic of realizing that I am masking all the time…that must be terrible! After watching these videos, I understand that my “masking” is various coping strategies! The positive/negative distinction is that someone of my coping strategies are helpful (keeping many lists, fidgeting with objects to help focus, keeping eye contact in conversations to remind myself to stay engaged, etc). However, over years of living undiagnosed I have some coping strategies that are entirely unhelpful, which simply “mask” my symptoms to others, while not actually making my life easier (lying that I have completed a task, hiding dirty dishes, etc.). Now I can go forward knowing that it is healthy and good that I have ways to “mask” my ADHD, while working with myself and therapist to replace the unhealthy coping strategies. Thank you for all you do!
Thanks so much for making this video. Watching your vids has been a part of my ADHD journey, as I strive to better understand myself and my condition. I've held the things you teach in great respect, and this confirms to me that I was right to think so. Very class act.
Thank you for making this video Dr. Barkley. I picked up on the tone and it did sound like it was coming off as you were mocking people and not the article during some sections of the video. BUT as a long time viewer i knew that's NOT what you were doing and I know you care a lot for people struggling with ADHD and committed your life to helping. Others who made the assumption otherwise i think were valid and I can see how they could've been come off with that impression so I am glad you made this video to address them.
if he didn't mock you then allow me to. You are a cry baby
As someone who feels like I mask- for good and bad- I was not offended by your previous video haha. Mostly because so many of these adhd websites are just not great, and the way most people talk about masking and a lot of ADHD stuff is horrible. As A young person I see way too much excusing behavior because of ADHD when there needs to be a balance of forgiving yourself for who you are/bring accepting and accommodating while also working on yourself/helping others work on themselves so that we/they can become better functioning people. If he needs to apologize then so do those websites and tons of people on the Internet, because they've done way worse
You did not have to apologize. There are too many humorless crybabies in the world. You are 100% correct. Many ADHDers want to use their dx as an excuse for every conceivable character flaw. There are a ton of websites that encourage this. We appreciate you Doc, because you provide common sense and evidence based recommendations. Thank you for all your hard work!
I knew people would boo hoo over what you said, but i agreed with everything you said & how you said it. I have ADHD & autism & i really struggled when I was diagnosed because all the info from everyone, including therapists, was to unmask unashamedly. i didn't & don't want to do that. It's survival, it's polite, and it's largely beneficial. The world isn't built for us. We just have to deal with that.
For real. Be yourself in private. In public, be for others. Try to spend only as much time in public as suits you.
Unmasking unashamedly doesn't equate to letting it all hang loose, as Dr. Barkley put it in this video. I am also ADHD and autistic. The world should not accept my bad behavior or bad decisions. The world should expect me to make good decisions societally inasmuch as I am able (just like everyone else!).
However, I should expect from the world EQUITABLE (not equal) treatment, as that's what the world expects of ME. The onus is on humanity itself to care for itself.
I understand, and to some extent agree with your point of survival, and I don't feel like we all have to expose ourselves. But if we all remain silent and continue to detrimentally blend in, we will continue to be ostracized by society while simultaneously enabling this thing that hurts us.
agree - though no autism, only ADHD. The masking is also a form of not hurting loved ones and that I find so important. If I didn't compensate - even though it is exhausting - in many situations I would hurt others. I have the empathy to not want to hurt my loved ones.
And these might be the people that are still with me if my exhaustion gets too high and they have compassion for me in the moments I just fail to mask / compensate. They won't give me that grace if I did not try to play by the rules.
We are social animals so surely we have to have rules for living together. Living a happy life for all members of society is sth to work towards.
@phail_trail he's talking about the reasonable requirement to hold back antisocial traits. As much as that's possible I agree. Of course we need to look after ourselves, but we still have the exact same social responsibility as everyone else to behave appropriately & treat others well & with respect.
There's a big difference between finding good friends who can understand & accommodate us to a degree, & just letting your ND flag fly & being rude or a pest etc.
@goldenhelmet403 exactly my opinion. There are plenty of people in public who's behaviour is aberrant & I don't like that. I hold myself to the same standard. I think it's appropriate to be considerate of others. I certainly want people to be considerate of me & it goes both ways.
I have to say that you were badly misunderstood. I am sorry about that. Why your tone was taking out of context? I perfectly understood what your message was. I remember that you mentioned that you lost a family member to the collaterals of having ADHD. I know you are on our team. Thank you for your work and for giving us free information on ADHD.
By the way if I get to be my authentic self all the time people I'd be rejected constantly. I know I can be overwhelming. I am a chatter box that can't sit still. I am grateful to have friends that accept me and my authenticity but I am also considerate to them because I care.
Dr. Barkley has been the best, most influential, most respected, and most beneficial ADHD guru for at least 30 years that I know of, but longer, I am sure. Some younger people may not know his name very well, and may be used to the internet's impractical (clickbait) advice to be open about their ADHD and not stress about working hard to overcome its limits, to the best of their ability. Because social media is a harsh judge wherever it can find any crack or imperfection in person, the extra sympathetic (but overly sympathetic, so not helpful) advice may well be a reaction to the serious ego and self esteem blows today's internet slings around.
This whole masking conversation needs so much more nuance. I appreciate your points and agree with much of it. I do think there's a mix up in the general discussion between continuing to work on social skills and self regulation which we need to do, and, also learning where we can relax a bit and be more of our selves such as enjoying lively converasations with other ADHDers, asking for some work or study accommodations, learning our unique needs, taking breaks, realising we don't have to push ourselves to breaking point and being a bit kinder to ourselves. A big part of masking for me before was not accommodating my needs at all which wasn't good.
Like someone already said... I have NEVER felt so seen and understood in my life! I've done this journey with you. I've cried and laughed So much. I go back to your videos whenever I feel bad, lonely, I need to cry, or I need to laugh...
Like I already said, he can't really see you. Remember when Mr. Rogers would like at the camera and you thought he was talking only to you. The difference is that Mr. Rogers wanted you to feel seen, and Dr. Barkley is simply trying to teach you about ADHD.
Well, I happen to subscribe to your channel, and encouraging viewers to watch a subsequent video for clarification is a good approach. Additionally, inviting viewers to share their experiences and perspectives is another reason I follow you, to help our mission and vision of helping our families with more resources.
That´s what science should be about. Being responsible and be accountable for the things you say and what your work is about. Thanks for listening to critique, to apologize and to explain what you meant.
Dr. Barkley, thank you for your consideration towards your audience and your respectful corrections on your previous video. From your videos and your extended work, it’s clear that you have a genuine interest in furthering the understanding of how ADHD works so that the people living with and around it can be better equipped to handle it. There’s something that’s been on my mind since watching your last video and this one that I believe is important, but which I have not noticed any discussion about in the comments.
A point of interest that stood out to me from both your previous video and this one was your mention of the fact that there is no empirical or otherwise scientific evidence in relation to masking as whether it distinctively pertains to and/or harms individuals with ADHD. The conclusiveness of one of the only articles you were able to find was limited by its use of the CAT-Q, a questionnaire designed to measure the camouflaging of autistic traits. I think this highlights the aforementioned point of interest: As you stated, not only is there no evidence present, there is little to no existing research on the subject to provide evidence to define what “masking ADHD” means, to measure the extent to which individuals with ADHD are using it, and to then assess its potential benefits or harms. Perhaps the researchers in the mentioned study were jumping the gun by trying to measure the extent of ADHD masking before thoroughly defining it or developing the tools to assess it. Again, I believe that this highlights the idea that the research in this area is insufficient and inclusive. In my opinion, the level of importance attributed to the subject of masking ADHD by a significant number of individuals with the condition is an indication that it is worth being considered through research.
TL;DR: There is no scientific evidence that masking is harmful to people with ADHD, but (to my knowledge) there hasn’t been enough research done to create actionable definitions or tools to adequately measure masking in individuals with ADHD, let alone study its effects. There’s no evidence that it’s harmful, but there’s not pointed evidence that it’s *not* harmful either. I think it’s a topic that needs to be researched more so that we can make more accurate and useful conclusions about it.
My own assumption about this is that there is a world of nuance around masking, largely dependent on the frequency and quality of the masking. I assume that it can be a healthy coping mechanism that helps a person achieve their desired life outcomes or a maladaptive defense mechanism stemming from shame and anxiety about failure and rejection.
Thank you very much for taking the time to do this follow-up. ❤
It's awesome that you took the time to make this video, and it's indicative of your sincerity concerning the subject and those affected.❤
I think a better way to prharse things might have been something like "there are many occasions in life where being one's authentic, unregulated self, would ilicit outcomes inconsistent with one's goals."
I enjoyed your last video and actually appreciated the tone.
Firstly, the author of that article was trying to seem more credible by claiming that you'd written about something you haven't.
Secondly, all of this encouragement for everyone to 100% unmask and be fully authentic can actually be harmful.
It sends the message to walk away from people who don't accept you unconditionally. Instead you should find your "true friends" and "compatible teammates" who will just support you through everything you do even if you're making absolutely no effort to be considerate or reliable.
Unless you want to only have imaginary friends or be surrounded by inauthentic "yes men" this is not realistic.
You're extremely good, it happens, and thanks for remaining truly empathetic
All good. Keep on rockin’ Dr. Barkley. Yes, we as humans, need to accept and cope with what we are given to succeed in all aspects of life.
I would have never assumed, that you were mocking adhd people. I have come to your channel because of the speech that you gave a long time ago and I have never felt more empathy from any person in my life, while you dont even know me. I actually cried because of how much empathy you showed and thats coming from a grown man who cant remember the last time they cried before that.
Thank you so much for everything that you are doing!!
💚💚💚
Thanks for saying this, I'd like to add that often, requests to self-regulate, which is the right thing to do, are presented to us in a disrespectful and unconstructive manner that doesn't acknowledge the extra effort required. When this happens for an extended period of time and from a young age, it can become a psychological burden and makes it hard to self-regulate for the right, positive reasons, instead of out of fear of judgement and rejection. To me, masking isn't self-regulation, it's experiencing the feeling of shame associated with it. And that's something to get rid of for sure.
Whoever thinks you were mocking ADHDers ignores your decades of history working and advocating for them. Thank you Dr Barkley
I appreciate the clarification. Actually, it was your previous video that made me aware that the term „masking“ is not clearly defined for ADHD and that the examples that are given on many websites are not very helpful. Seems like there is a need to define the term masking more clearly before we can move on to discussing which parts of it may be harmful under what circumstances and why. I see many comments here that resonate with me and my adhd experience: it might be a good idea to adjust to social contexts, which is obviously not a struggle exclusive to people with adhd, but at the same time we need to assess which behaviors of ours are adhd traits and how realistic and necessary it is to completely stop those („mask them“) in each context, so that we don’t, for example, burn out trying to get our house spotless every time someone comes over or refuse to invite people over when we didn’t manage to get it perfectly tidy and therefore miss out on making friends, etc. The concept of masking is a very interesting discussion to be had, I think!
I learnt one important thing from you Dr, that ADHD is a Disorder of Executive functions.. i never understood this topic much better in a few words... ❤4rmZambia 🇿🇲
You are loved, Dr B!!! ❤❤❤❤
This shows your authenticity and how dedicated you are to the community!!
I appreciate the apology & clarification & in fact got the intent first time around, but for me it was less so the tone & more that I would have liked more expansion on the topic in greater context.
There are ways in which Masking exists for Neurodivergent people which can block diagnosis, can form & be the result of obstacles, & can even be fairly detrimental over time. This is apart from the benefits it can have.
But if the point is that those don't exist or aren't different for ND people, then that is where the impasse exists in differing opinion/perception/experience.
& that is not to say I don't appreciate all you do. I think it is great you continue to research & post videos after retirement & I especially find your work on CDS fascinating. Thank you.
write a book about it and read it to yourself wank
Keep up the great work! Yours is the best info about ADHD out there!
Great response. Keep up your unrivalled content which has changed my life and people I know personally. Thank you
Hey Doc (hopefully you don't mind me calling you Doc) - I just wanted to say that while I agreed with your prior video, and understood the tone, I appreciate you also being big enough to understand intentions don't always match reality, and a little can go a long way in bridging the gap.
Thank you for being a good example, and for helping provide clear, practical guidance.
I've always felt very seen by you Russell.
He's looking at his monitor but he can't actually see you riding on your unicorn of magical thinking.
I love your work, and I find this clarification video helpful. You're the only ADHD youtube channel that I am subscribed to, even though I watch a lot of ADHD content.
Same
What a chad! Even if not everyone agrees with your viewpoint, your perspective is very much appreciated.
Mr.Barkley, I've just grown up my respect for you. Apologies accepted, even though, coming back from the mentioned video I personally don't need one.
You are accepting an apology and in the same breath saying that you don't need one. Do you see how haughty that is?
The way I see it, there is a time and place for being my "unregulated, authentic self". Usually, I keep it private with my wife and my hobbies/free time. If I might need some accommodations in the future because of my ADHD I would ask for them, currently I don't (meds and other inner tools have helped me tremendously so far).
Having ADHD does not mean I get to have a free pass to act however I feel like at any given moment, all humans need to regulate themselves in different social settings. I do agree that it feels exhaustive at times but that's where your own means of self-regulation come in that are specific to you. Maybe I need to go home from this party now because I am overstimulated and stressed, how do I do it without seeming rude? Just one example, there are numerous others that will surely come to your head if you think about your day-to-day life.
I find the term "masking" difficult to define since the line between masking and healthy self-regulation is so thin. I think it's up to the individual to learn from their experience what kind of life they want to live and what kind of situations they want to take part in in order to not feel dysregulated all the time. Help from therapy and other tools available to us will probably be needed to find out how to get there.
I do appreciate you clarifying your point with compassion Dr. Barkley, I have learned so much from your book and videos! Thank you!
Dr Barkley while I certainly appreciate you putting this clarification out, I personally didn't find your previous video at all offensive. We're not a monolith though, so I understand why this might have been needed. You remain a Scholar *and* a Gentleman as always.
I have always respected and appreciated everything Dr. Barkley has done and still does for the ADHD community. I also have to say that I admire and respect you even more for listening and taking the time to clarify and help us understand your true intent -- many thanks for doing this, it means a great deal! =]
I personally interpret it as you intended, but fully understood by people might misinterpret it as belittling their suffering. I just wanted to say thank you so much for being sincere and offering an apology to the people that were affected. It shows an authentic appreciation of the people you are talking to and the true care about their feelings and what they hold dear. Thank you for your continued contribution to the neurodivergent and ADHD community.
Thanks for setting a good example by posting videos like these, one of the many reasons I love your channel. I think you are the most credible voice on social media in relation to this topic. I also have always assumed that by your dedication to the field, and all the people with ADHD (like me) you have helped, that it's painfully obvious that you respect people with ADHD. I am a therapist and work with many patients with ADHD. I share your channel (and Dr. J Kruse's channel) with all of my patients. Thanks for everything, as you have helped me and my patients tremendously.
Class Act! Thanks for all you do!
Thank you for reading and caring enough to address our comments. Of all people who speak about ADHD, I am glad to know that you are not unsympathetic to the pain and shame many of us carry.
you carry shame? What in a basket? Grow up
The idea that anyone should live according to their whims is wild. If we lived that way, no baby would survive to see their first birthday
Self-regulation is crucial, "IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO" as stated in the video, and it's a personal journey. From my own experience perspective and observing friends who also experience/have ADHD as well, sometimes managing emotions can be easier than for neurotypicals, especially under high levels of stress, I've seen others panic while I am able to remain calm. However, the focus should be on improving our own emotional management, regardless of ADHD or the level of symptoms. It's not about comparing with others but enhancing our own ability to self-regulate.
Carlos Breath Balance Coach, do you think that False Guru Personality Disorder is:
1. an old disorder removed from the DSM
2. an existing disorder in the current DSM
or 3. will be added to the next DSM