That part at the end about "settling for someone who doesn't truly make you happy" should come with the disclaimer that you can't get all of your happiness from another person, no matter how great they are. If you expect them to always make you happy you'll end up thinking something is wrong and questioning even a great relationship.
That’s what they meant. Nothing technical about it, no disclaimer needed. It’s common sense that if someone takes away from your happiness they need to be gone. But it’s also true other people can add to your happiness because happiness is also an exchange.
@@blushbb. Most of the time when people say they are not happy in the relationship, it has nothing to do with the partner. People are just expecting their partner to solve their own problems, something they cannot do, so they break up.
@@cherubin7th that’s also common sense and “technical”. I mean don’t people learn ts in high school - college. You guys are talking about a completely different issue, mostly associated with mental illness. And not everyone has mental illness.
This is problem with a lot of people today. They're looking for someone who will "fix" all the insecurities/ issues about themselves (i.e. a really short woman always dating giants, a pathetic emotionally repressed man paired with an obnoxious egomaniac) instead of correcting why they have those insecurities in the first place. Or better still focusing on what they could offer to a relationship.
BIGGEST RED FLAGS I SEE: -Demeaning you (even jokingly, they can use it as a passive-aggressive excuse) -Refusing responsibility and deflecting it, not caring if they hurt/upset you. Whenever someone says something unfair or deflecting, call it out IMMEDIATELY! Don't let people walk all over you!!!
True and just to add to that, it doesn't even have to be done in an aggressive way. I find saying that you don't feel respected or listened to after someone does that kinda stuff works pretty good to snap a reasonable person back into being nice and considerate.
I’ve been married for over 32 years and I’d NEVER talked to my husband with disrespect. He treats me so good and he’s NEVER raised his voice at me and he’s always been so kind and caring to me.
@@STFUIDC1776 Thank you so much for sharing your story.... I do relate with your story on a personal level.... My question is: What is different about this relationship? What are you doing differently? What made you click? And what specific rituals do you follow as a couple everyday? And most importantly how did you recover from the abuse and bounced back? I hope you answer this. I would love to learn from your experience.
@Kieren Summers we have had plenty of disagreements and even some jealousy but we don’t scream and yell or call each other names. When we get angry for whatever reason, we just talk about it. The worst thing he ever did was throw my hair dyed across the room. And I went and stayed with my mom, for a few days. You can have arguments without being hateful. We both had been married before, and both of our earlier marriages were very toxic! Idk, maybe we just learned from those mistakes we made before. Plus, I adore and love him more everyday and we were not teenagers when we met! I’m in my 60s and he’s in his 70s so what’s there to fight about?
@Kieren Summers Are you one of these "endure" people who think a woman (or man) should stay after their partner beat them for the sake of the relationship? Or did you just miss the part (multiple times) where she said he beat her?
@Kieren Summers I got divorced after 20 years. You can't expect the other person to change. Either you change or you leave. If you're checking out but staying married then it's only going to get toxic.
1. Criticism instead of a healthy complaint 2. Contempt instead of good sarcasm and having the habits of telling your partner what you appreciate about them 3. Defensiveness instead of taking responsibility for your part of the problem 4. Stonewalling instead of calling a timeout
This is good advice. I would add that there is a danger of apologizing too much. I've found that addressing a conflict in a calm, collected way and taking ownership of your mistakes while the other party is unwilling to do so can lead to resentment as well. Know when there are too many red flags and when it's time to end a relationship, even if it's good otherwise.
This is a good list and video. But for the record my parents relationship was “toxic” as hell and they are still together and healthy now after 20+ years. They fought alot but they also fought to be together out of love, their story is inspiring to me and I’m so glad they didn’t split up.
Fighting like that causes so much stress on the body. And it harms the kids being raised under the toxic environment. It sounds like yours had a good ending especially if their children don’t grow up to think thats normal and themselves create a hostile relationship for years because thats what they were conditioned to see as normal. Unfortunately this is not the reality for millions of others. Fighting relentlessly for years has a huge impact on ourselves and the others forced to live with it
@@oliverford5367Obviously you shouldn't leave your partner after one argument. You can't be happy and in love all the time. . But if you always have to work hard in a relationship, someone else might be a better fit. Or you'd be happier single.
I love that you take exemples from movies, series and TV shows. I understand better the concepts with concrete situations rather than a general "rule". Also these are very good advice for long lasting relationships :)
I've noticed a lot of things that I'm doing wrong in a relationship wiht my mother. I often get emotionally overwhelmed when she criticizes me about my school stuff, and I shut off. Thanks for this video, it's gonna help a lot solve me this problem. And I'm pretty sure if I don't, it's going to be a life-long parasite.
I literally just got into an argument with my friend about her treating her 16-year-old son for spoiling him and being an enabler. This video could not have come at a more perfect time!
I have level 2 Gottman Couples Therapy certification and I want to say good job on this video. It explains the Four Horseman and the antidotes so well and with really great examples.
Remember, 'stonewalling' isn't always intended to hurt, but sometimes people need to stop responding before they lose their temper. Pushing someone to respond IMMEDIATELY is not always fair or wise, as long as they can be relied upon to respond within a reasonable amount of time.
Knowing the line with sarcasm is key. My wife and I both "flirt" with teasing sarcasm. The target is basically stuff that doesn't matter; it's clear that it's a joke and not contempt because we know from our years together that we're not doing a complaint end around. There is always the risk that such a tease can go the wrong way, but that's where my two step response comes in. Occasionally I catch my wife in the wrong mood, and she takes a tease (usually one I've said and had positively responded to a number of times) seriously. I immediately back off all the way, saying "whoa whoa whoa, my bad, I was just teasing like usual". Then, if she doubles down, I just calmly remind how the line has been a tease before and, if necessary, explain how it couldn't have been criticism because here's why I don't care about the detail of the tease at all. It never fails (I think because I don't blame her for getting the tease wrong), and that's good because I'd hate to put aside teasing her with the giant smiles and huge laughs I almost always get out of her with them. (Note that the tease usually comes with a funny voice or similar such thing, aiming all the more to make it clear that it's a tease).
Can you imagine the hours they spent pouring over clips to show examples as well as to just show in the background? Kudos to you -who ever you are- for the hard work.
I love videos like this! So often, we accuse others for failed communication when, in reality, there are small behaviors that we could implement that could lead to huge differences in interactions with our loved ones.
woah woah woah. "When you use the words always/never to describe something your partner does to upset you, you are prioritizing making them feel bad over addressing the behavior that's upsetting you" !!!
6 LAWS TO WIN IN LIFE 1. Stop telling people your plans When you over share, you hurt your own progress. Keep things private and win. 2. Know when to say no Strong people put their own well being before pleasing others. Practice saying no more often. 3. Make a decision, and commit to it Too many people lack discipline and go back to their toxic patterns. Make a decision to change, and stick to it. 4. There is power in numbers Nobody has made it in life all by themselves. You need a team that uplifts and supports you. Stop being a lone wolf. 5. Starve your distractions, feed your focus Focus on your goals instead of cheap dopamine. You will achieve anything you ever wanted. 6. Always provide value to others There is only one secret to success: making other people's lives easier. In business and relationships, providing value will keep you their first priority. (: Try to appreciate other's work. So upvote..
The worst part about this is that all the popular shows I grew up only have the negative aspects of communication, like Friends. What shows portray the things mentioned in the video?
Drama will always be more exciting than peace - so where relationships are the subject matter, conflict will be displayed much more often in entertainment. That's why forms of entertainment are so rarely helpful. As helpfulness and health increase, the medium resembles education - which is boring because it encourages less dopamine per minute. People must actually want a long-term relationship to endure and conquer relationship conflicts. Professional help may be needed (or counsel from friends). That stuff is usually not moving the story forwards in fiction, so to see it on camera will usually require non-fiction subject matter. For shows that portray conflict resolution, the best I have seen is shows about marriage: Indian Matchmaking, Married at First Sight, etc. Though any show about relationships, even real ones, is subject to the preferences and goals of the production team. So "reality" shows may hype the conflict to inspire curiosity.
Those shows, usually from the late 50’ and 60’s, back when I was a kid, went off the air when soap operas came into existence. For ever to be replace with the gramma, drama and real life shows we have now. Any wonder why we’re having such difficulties in all relationships?
10 Hard truths about life you should know: Life is 5% what happens to you and 95% what you make out of it. Talent without acting on it is useless. Nobody will understand the life you desire as much as you. Don't let people that talk sh*t bother you. Don't lie to yourself, it will hurt more than facing the truth. Sometimes the people you love most are the ones you have to leave most. Consistency and resilience will change your life in ways you cannot imagine yet. It's not your job to make everybody happy. You can make people think, but not change them. Your mind can be your best friend or worst enemy. Choose wisely. Try to appreciate other's work. So upvote..
I'm 14 and this is deep... Have a Hollywood actress and some child born in extreme poverty in Yemen side by side and tell them the first sentence out loud lol.
Great info! A familial relationship (and other types) can also have these problems, and the prolonged hurt can run deep, especially if you want to keep in contact regardless.
This is really true, and can also develop in people who were otherwise very good at not showing these traits. I recently had a breakup and have only just been able to start understanding this. Earlier in the relationship, I genuinely felt like I was very diplomatic and calm and coming at conflict as a team mate and wanting to ask myself first if I could be the problem rather than presume I’m right. Unfortunately, I kept doing this and my girlfriend did not reciprocate; she kept being overly angry and emotional when discussing things and never took the stance of acknowledging her own mistakes. Over time, this made me begin to show some of the behaviours in this video, which she of course picked up on and pointed out, which made me feel horrible and feel like a bad person. It’s really affected my self-image, yet though I don’t want to find blame in others, I do not recognise I developed these behaviours due to her prolonged inability to take ownership of her mistakes and act maturely with me. My lesson, communicate clearly and effectively early, but be wary if you start to think your partner is not showing you the same respect and tell them this up front before it becomes messy. If they continue to disagree, consider they may have some personal development to do before they are suitable for a relationship. Otherwise you yourself can become like this and it will really impact your self image.
you have an amazing take on the end of your relationship. you can very clearly understand what went wrong and happened between the two of you, and i hope that brings you some closure. this insight alone lets me know that one day you are going to have a very healthy relationship.
I'm very much like this now, everytime im trying to do communicate. It's me who make him hurt and i need to have character development. I never in relationship before this. I don't feel like i need relationship yet, but he make me consider perhaps it's my time to learning and face new things in my life. I talking with more logic bcs im not really understanding or have sensitive feeling, but it's cause him sensitive and now after several month, i'm realizing start to have his sensitive behavior too, and i'm scared unconciously being gaslighter, narcissistic, and manipulator. Now i'm trying to fix myself to get the track back and trying make this relationship work out, trying to connecting us no matter what the method. But if it's still doesn't change i'll tryingto be brave, to end this bcs i won't hurting anyone more, my self, him, our parents who know about us, and our close friends that actually affected by our relationship (slightly almost lost them). Im afraid, I'm egoist narcissistic person hurting anyone.
All of this killed my last relationship, but only one of us was willing to/actively trying work on it. It is so important to be on the same page. Save yourself the wasted time.
Please understand that you can do everything "right" in a relationship, but if the other person is trying to control and dominate you, you cannot "work it out". I tried the "I feel" method- the response was " I never did that, that never happened, you are ill and not remembering, I'm worried about you". If this is happening to you consistently you cannot "work it out" because it is gaslighting and is manipulative abuse. Gaslighting has devastating effects on our mental faculties and confidence. So remember- you CAN leave ANY relationship at any time. If the other person is really trying to work with you- then keep working on yourself and enjoy!
I was in a 8 yr relationship we got engaged last yr broke up a month ago. She had to many problems with my family and wanted me to disown them. My opinion it's very difficult to have a family and not be able to forgive them for things especially when it's not that bad or offensive. She couldn't deal with my mom calling her immature and never let it go. So that is the end.
It also might be an opportunity to look at the relationship you have with your family a little closer. If you find similar comments from your next relationship, not the abusive tactics, then there might be a small kernel of truth. I had this happen in a different way and I learned to be openminded and change my behavior and reactions.
If my fiancé's mother called me "immature", and my fiancé didn't defend me or stick up for me, that would be a sign for me to leave the relationship too. It's for the best. I would never let anyone get away with insulting my future wife, not even my family.
"Not that bad or offensive" could be true. It also could be a red flag that you are too used to toxic or annoying behaviour in your family because you grew up with it and she didn't. Your mom calling your partner names to your face and you not standing up to that probably left her feeling unsupported. But I really dont know the full situation, so I'm just throwing those thoughts out there so it ensures success for your future relationship.
I noticed a lot of these in my on again off again relationship I had. When the good times were good, it was so positive and supportive. When the times were bad it was exactly like this, criticizing, stonewalling, contempt. I wish I saw this video back then. Maybe we could have worked it out... 😐
Once the "Honeymoon phase" -- lovey dovey season is over and IF u find yourself bored/stuck in a toxic/non-stop arguments over the mundane things just end it and move on. Life is way too short to be stress out with a partner/any relationships to try to cope/endure. Find your own happiness✓ Solitude and peace is the ultimate bliss✓
I don’t think Miley’s rebellious immature oversexualized behavior in public at an event on camera in a professional setting where it could reflect negatively on him should be used as example of when your partner acts embarrassed by you. If it’s one person acting embarrassed when you have done nothing to bring attention to them and it’s not your behavior at fault - that’s the red flag. Miley knew she was making him uncomfortable and disregarded his feelings for her own amusement. If her partner had been into it, or blushing but, you could tell he enjoyed it - that’s different. She was giving the red flags, not him.
She's an open sexual human creature and he's a totally different character; far more closed than her. She's a far more exciting person he's more confident and less controlled by banal societal norms. He's a robot basically that's controlled by mediocrity. To be fair she may indeed have done this to prove just how boring he is. To him. Serves him right for dating someone that's on an excitement level higher than he is. He's a dullard.
Thank you for the video, I found out that investing is not for everybody, you just need a strong stomach too see your portfolio go down. It might be wiser for a novice to start with copy trading investing, but it is not easy. To invest in growth stocks it is another level, definitely you need to know what are you doing.
From my own point of view, you need to invest smartly if you need the good things of life. so far i've made over $255k in raw profits from just 6 months into the market from my diversified portfolio strategy and i believe anyone can do it you have the right strategy, mutual funds takes long time but investing smartly is the key for short term. Most of us tend to pay more attention to the shiniest position in the market to the cost of proper diversification.
This is a phenomenal advice for a new stock traders and investors who want that quick short term game, but don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My portfolio is very much diversified so it's not like i have a particular fund i invest in, plus i dont do that by myself. i follow the trades of Mrs Karen Gaye Gray.
She is a popular broker you might have heard of. I can correctly say she's worth her salt as a financial advisor as her diversification skills are top notch, because i see that in her results as my portfolio grows by averages of 10 to 15% on a monthly basis, unlike i can say for my IRA which has just been trudging along, my portfolio just mirrors what she trades and not just on some particular industries of my choosing.
I followed all the steps, but my one remaining houseplant, Hans, just packed up all of their belongings and left the door open... oh, I'm in a glass cage of emotion...
I'm 42 years old and have always been gaslit by my mom. She currently lives in my house and still gaslights. Saying things like "ur taking it wrong," "That's not what happened," constant projection, and downgrading my feelings. I feel like I have no control over my own life.
My quick tips (for guys, but maybe women too)are: 1. shower with love 2. give hugs In conversations: 3. listen and use logic on what's being said, not to have a retort, but to get to the root of the issue.
Okay but let's not say if a relationship is doomed it's necessarily a bad thing. Ending relationships should be praised just as lifelong relationships are praised.
This is honestly very good advice. I independently came to some of these same conclusions as well, and if both people in a relationship can stick to them, the relationship is likely to prosper.
Just got out of a relationship, even if you're aware of all of this. It takes a ton of effort to apply this daily. There will come a time when you're overwhelmed by your other responsibilities and it could seem like your partner is asking for too much. Never hesitate to ask for your parents' advice. Never forget the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect. Everything will sort itself out in the end.
what a segway to charisma university, if you don't want to die alone join our program!! lol long time fan of the channel, just saying that is one hell of a sales pitch
Why are some of us like this and some aren't? Maybe the obvious - the people who were modeled healthy behavior in childhood are better? I do all of this in my relationship.
I definitely have issues with being critical. I used to work for a man who connected every negative behavior to a character defect. I think by the time I realized what was going on I'd already internalized the process. That's something I gotta unlearn fast. On the upside, I also know how to connect good behaviors with good character, and I've noticed people REALLY seem to like when I do that... so silver lining.
"Thank you for reaching out about this, that was very brave." "Thank you for doing the dishes, you're so helpful." "You're so diligent for making it on time in spite of traffic."
Is your Partner Distant? Wanting more & more time away from you then with you, gives you the cold shoulder even if you're trying to be nice? Then your Relationship is on the rocks.
Great video. I'm married 23 years and I agree with all of it. Our relationship never went down this road. But I saw plenty of people where it did and they were never able to get back on track. Once that stonewalling begins, that's apathy. The last phase where they don't even want to fight anymore. Not good. I have to say I don't think Liam Hemsworth being embarrassed by Miley Cyrus is a bad thing. He obviously wants a woman with more class and there's nothing wrong with that. If your partner is constantly embarrassed of you, maybe it's not because they think they are superior. Maybe they think you are degrading yourself and you can do better. Take a look at your behavior first if you are embarrassing your partner before writing them off as thinking they are better than you.
But the definition of “degrading behavior” is subjective. What one person calls degrading, another person calls playful. When two people have different beliefs about what is acceptable, then one person can definitely feel superior to another because their partner doesn’t act “the right way.” That leads to one person trying to change another simply because they feel that their approach to life is somehow more appropriate and better. He was continually trying to change her with each comment he made.
The one thing I get from this is that Lynette and Tom in DHW as well as Marshall and Lily in HIMYM formed two of the best couples I’ve been given to watch on a screen (tv or movie theater).
can you make a video to Ryan Gosling quiet introvert charisma? Because he is really charismatic and i think this community (including me) would like it 👍👌
A counter point to defensiveness. If your partner admits to it - the only they can do is change with action. Stop looking for pretty words and for them to say how sorry they are. Wanting an explanation is fine but the digger you deep the worse it might get and turn into criticism and an attack on them. You can suggest therapy if the behavior goes beyond normal stuff but attacking them will build resentment.
It’s absolutely insane they don’t teach this in school. What’s the point of getting a good job if you don’t come home to a happy, loving home. No matter how bad of a day I have or how dark the future looks, I know every single day I’ll come home to my girlfriend and have a really fun time hanging out with her!
Well, i have complained about something that bothered me, several times in a calm wa, then it became criticism, and then contempt, and keeping on addressing the same issue over and over without resolving it turned us and especially me into defensive mode, and after months like this, i withdrew from the relationship
If you see yourself treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or superiority, also consider whether you are fundamentally incompatible. You shouldn't treat them in that way, but WHY are you treating them in that way?
"I didn't compare you to your father. I said you were acting like him." Women's wordplay tactics in a nutshell: reframing the discussion to avoid culpability
One issue I couldn’t prevent from ending my relationship is the so-called boundaries and limits that just kept getting ridiculous. It got to a point where I got off social media and just generally stopped going out with friends and seeing my family, and it still wasn’t enough. It’s tough to look out for because you ultimately want to respect your partners wishes but it was one thing after the other.
Respecting your partners wishes is all well and good. But if they clash with your wishes, there is a discussion to be had. You are not the only one who has to give in to make it work. Try to get to the „root“ of someone’s boundary. They want you to get off social media ? Ask them why. Is it because you are constantly on your phone? Or share ‚naked’ pictures? is it because they generally don’t trust you? Or because you’ve been caught messaging other people before? When you actually understand the reason, you can usually find a compromise that works for both partners. Unless it‘s because they simply don‘t trust you. Then that‘s a ‚them‘ problem. If a person is incapable of trust, they will never trust you, no matter how much of yourself you give up.
This is why they say to have a good relationship you need to learn to build a two lane road, So flow of information can be shared, heard and reciprocated. Too many times have i seen friends and family fall out of a relationship because they have a one lane street, Where both talk about there feelings but neither is listening. And if you feel like you are going to be heated about a subject of conversation, Let them finish talking ask to pause and explain i need to process everything you said, If they press you then it could be because you are in a bad relationship as well.
At 4:05 in Liam Hemsworth/ Miley Cirus situation i totally disagree. He is not acting like she's embarrassing him (or with superiority), he may actually be embarrassed. Her immature behaviour and moves are actually embarassing even watching them from home.
Embarrassment can also be a power play by the deliverer when it's constantly done to belittle its reciever, and I see it more commonly than the receiver having a superiority complex.
LOL You got this from the Gotham 4 horsemen article I bet I wrote a similar report on it in 2019 and did a presentation the '4 horsemen of the apocolypse' for relationships =D
Be blunt to narcissist best solution ever done look whether they are older than you or younger. Also 2nd tip if no one finds you arrogant when you try to debate but they then 100% confirmed that person is narcissist.
This 4 signs are too late stage. When you have contempt you are already on the way out. What would really be helpful are predictors when everything is new and good. The fact that people can only talk about signs when the relationship is already dying, shows that relationships are pure gambling.
Remember, 'stonewalling' isn't always intended to hurt, but sometimes people need to stop responding before they lose their temper. Pushing someone to respond IMMEDIATELY is not always fair or wise, as long as they can be relied upon to respond within a reasonable amount of time.
That part at the end about "settling for someone who doesn't truly make you happy" should come with the disclaimer that you can't get all of your happiness from another person, no matter how great they are. If you expect them to always make you happy you'll end up thinking something is wrong and questioning even a great relationship.
True happiness comes from within.
That’s what they meant. Nothing technical about it, no disclaimer needed. It’s common sense that if someone takes away from your happiness they need to be gone. But it’s also true other people can add to your happiness because happiness is also an exchange.
@@blushbb. Most of the time when people say they are not happy in the relationship, it has nothing to do with the partner. People are just expecting their partner to solve their own problems, something they cannot do, so they break up.
@@cherubin7th that’s also common sense and “technical”. I mean don’t people learn ts in high school - college. You guys are talking about a completely different issue, mostly associated with mental illness. And not everyone has mental illness.
This is problem with a lot of people today. They're looking for someone who will "fix" all the insecurities/ issues about themselves (i.e. a really short woman always dating giants, a pathetic emotionally repressed man paired with an obnoxious egomaniac) instead of correcting why they have those insecurities in the first place. Or better still focusing on what they could offer to a relationship.
Love and attraction are not enough. Communication, respect, and growth are key to a lasting relationship.
Mutual respect is where many relationships fall short. You can’t be with someone if you think they are somehow beneath you.
All of which I don’t deserve :)
Oh sod off.
Also humour :)
@@seb1520become someone you'd be proud your children wound marry
BIGGEST RED FLAGS I SEE:
-Demeaning you (even jokingly, they can use it as a passive-aggressive excuse)
-Refusing responsibility and deflecting it, not caring if they hurt/upset you.
Whenever someone says something unfair or deflecting, call it out IMMEDIATELY! Don't let people walk all over you!!!
True and just to add to that, it doesn't even have to be done in an aggressive way.
I find saying that you don't feel respected or listened to after someone does that kinda stuff works pretty good to snap a reasonable person back into being nice and considerate.
I’ve been married for over 32 years and I’d NEVER talked to my husband with disrespect. He treats me so good and he’s NEVER raised his voice at me and he’s always been so kind and caring to me.
What would be one key lesson from your relationship?
You're an inspiration.
@@STFUIDC1776 Thank you so much for sharing your story.... I do relate with your story on a personal level.... My question is: What is different about this relationship? What are you doing differently? What made you click? And what specific rituals do you follow as a couple everyday? And most importantly how did you recover from the abuse and bounced back? I hope you answer this. I would love to learn from your experience.
@Kieren Summers we have had plenty of disagreements and even some jealousy but we don’t scream and yell or call each other names.
When we get angry for whatever reason, we just talk about it. The worst thing he ever did was throw my hair dyed across the room. And I went and stayed with my mom, for a few days. You can have arguments without being hateful. We both had been married before, and both of our earlier marriages were very toxic! Idk, maybe we just learned from those mistakes we made before. Plus, I adore and love him more everyday and we were not teenagers when we met! I’m in my 60s and he’s in his 70s so what’s there to fight about?
@Kieren Summers Are you one of these "endure" people who think a woman (or man) should stay after their partner beat them for the sake of the relationship? Or did you just miss the part (multiple times) where she said he beat her?
This applies to every type of relationship: friendship, family or romantic.
Agree
Omg yes cuz I stopped being friends with someone because of some of this traits
Precisely, i see now how my mom treats me
She have a sense of superiority.
Looks like years 1-7 of my marriage. 8-15 was holding but not healthy. 16- 20 is back on track. Mutual appreciation and acceptance
Bless You ❤
Usually it's the opposite! That's wonderful!!!
Love to see this comment and happy for you
@Kieren Summers I got divorced after 20 years. You can't expect the other person to change. Either you change or you leave. If you're checking out but staying married then it's only going to get toxic.
I thought you were saying you had 20 marriages lol.
To sum it up-
1.Criticism
2.Contempt
3.Defensiveness
4.Stonewalling
But to avoid contempt I'd have to be respectable. Quite a stretch.
1. Criticism instead of a healthy complaint
2. Contempt instead of good sarcasm and having the habits of telling your partner what you appreciate about them
3. Defensiveness instead of taking responsibility for your part of the problem
4. Stonewalling instead of calling a timeout
You just copied the description
@@ELMKTF AKA a woman talking to a man.
tysm
After being single for almost a year, it’s comforting to watch such videos without being in a relationship 😌
This is good advice. I would add that there is a danger of apologizing too much. I've found that addressing a conflict in a calm, collected way and taking ownership of your mistakes while the other party is unwilling to do so can lead to resentment as well. Know when there are too many red flags and when it's time to end a relationship, even if it's good otherwise.
This can be applied to any close relationship, including platonic.
Even work.
This is a good list and video. But for the record my parents relationship was “toxic” as hell and they are still together and healthy now after 20+ years. They fought alot but they also fought to be together out of love, their story is inspiring to me and I’m so glad they didn’t split up.
Interesting because a lot of advice especially on reddit is to split up as soon as there's an argument
Fighting like that causes so much stress on the body. And it harms the kids being raised under the toxic environment. It sounds like yours had a good ending especially if their children don’t grow up to think thats normal and themselves create a hostile relationship for years because thats what they were conditioned to see as normal. Unfortunately this is not the reality for millions of others. Fighting relentlessly for years has a huge impact on ourselves and the others forced to live with it
@@oliverford5367Obviously you shouldn't leave your partner after one argument. You can't be happy and in love all the time. .
But if you always have to work hard in a relationship, someone else might be a better fit. Or you'd be happier single.
I love that you take exemples from movies, series and TV shows. I understand better the concepts with concrete situations rather than a general "rule". Also these are very good advice for long lasting relationships :)
Coming from an unhealthy relationship and now being in a healthy relationship this list is spot on.
I've noticed a lot of things that I'm doing wrong in a relationship wiht my mother. I often get emotionally overwhelmed when she criticizes me about my school stuff, and I shut off. Thanks for this video, it's gonna help a lot solve me this problem. And I'm pretty sure if I don't, it's going to be a life-long parasite.
These all rely on both parties working toward a resolution, the biggest problem is when one person does not do this
I literally just got into an argument with my friend about her treating her 16-year-old son for spoiling him and being an enabler. This video could not have come at a more perfect time!
But this video is about signs you're dating the wrong person... surely she's not dating her son?
@@nzarzecki sweet home alabama
@@nzarzeckithe person is talking that her friend is raising her son to be a gaskighter
@@nzarzeckiTe person is talking that her friend is raising her son to be a gaslighter
I have level 2 Gottman Couples Therapy certification and I want to say good job on this video. It explains the Four Horseman and the antidotes so well and with really great examples.
Remember, 'stonewalling' isn't always intended to hurt, but sometimes people need to stop responding before they lose their temper. Pushing someone to respond IMMEDIATELY is not always fair or wise, as long as they can be relied upon to respond within a reasonable amount of time.
Knowing the line with sarcasm is key. My wife and I both "flirt" with teasing sarcasm. The target is basically stuff that doesn't matter; it's clear that it's a joke and not contempt because we know from our years together that we're not doing a complaint end around.
There is always the risk that such a tease can go the wrong way, but that's where my two step response comes in. Occasionally I catch my wife in the wrong mood, and she takes a tease (usually one I've said and had positively responded to a number of times) seriously. I immediately back off all the way, saying "whoa whoa whoa, my bad, I was just teasing like usual". Then, if she doubles down, I just calmly remind how the line has been a tease before and, if necessary, explain how it couldn't have been criticism because here's why I don't care about the detail of the tease at all. It never fails (I think because I don't blame her for getting the tease wrong), and that's good because I'd hate to put aside teasing her with the giant smiles and huge laughs I almost always get out of her with them.
(Note that the tease usually comes with a funny voice or similar such thing, aiming all the more to make it clear that it's a tease).
Can you imagine the hours they spent pouring over clips to show examples as well as to just show in the background? Kudos to you -who ever you are- for the hard work.
I love videos like this! So often, we accuse others for failed communication when, in reality, there are small behaviors that we could implement that could lead to huge differences in interactions with our loved ones.
woah woah woah. "When you use the words always/never to describe something your partner does to upset you, you are prioritizing making them feel bad over addressing the behavior that's upsetting you" !!!
“You’re psychotic” “you’re hyperbolic.” That’s a perfect response. Funny 😂
6 LAWS TO WIN IN LIFE
1. Stop telling people your plans
When you over share, you hurt your own progress. Keep things private and win.
2. Know when to say no
Strong people put their own well being before pleasing others. Practice saying no more often.
3. Make a decision, and commit to it
Too many people lack discipline and go back to their toxic patterns. Make a decision to change, and stick to it.
4. There is power in numbers
Nobody has made it in life all by themselves. You need a team that uplifts and supports you. Stop being a lone wolf.
5. Starve your distractions, feed your focus
Focus on your goals instead of
cheap dopamine. You will achieve anything you ever wanted.
6. Always provide value to others
There is only one secret to success: making other people's lives easier. In business and relationships, providing value will keep you their first priority.
(: Try to appreciate other's work. So upvote..
well said
@@uzmafakhar5660 👍👍👍
Love number 6, thank you!
@@sunkencubeoctahedron7844 Glad to help.
The worst part about this is that all the popular shows I grew up only have the negative aspects of communication, like Friends.
What shows portray the things mentioned in the video?
Drama will always be more exciting than peace - so where relationships are the subject matter, conflict will be displayed much more often in entertainment. That's why forms of entertainment are so rarely helpful. As helpfulness and health increase, the medium resembles education - which is boring because it encourages less dopamine per minute.
People must actually want a long-term relationship to endure and conquer relationship conflicts. Professional help may be needed (or counsel from friends). That stuff is usually not moving the story forwards in fiction, so to see it on camera will usually require non-fiction subject matter. For shows that portray conflict resolution, the best I have seen is shows about marriage: Indian Matchmaking, Married at First Sight, etc. Though any show about relationships, even real ones, is subject to the preferences and goals of the production team. So "reality" shows may hype the conflict to inspire curiosity.
Those shows, usually from the late 50’ and 60’s, back when I was a kid, went off the air when soap operas came into existence. For ever to be replace with the gramma, drama and real life shows we have now. Any wonder why we’re having such difficulties in all relationships?
10 Hard truths about life you should know:
Life is 5% what happens to you and 95% what you make out of it.
Talent without acting on it is useless.
Nobody will understand the life you desire as much as you.
Don't let people that talk sh*t bother you.
Don't lie to yourself, it will hurt more than facing the truth.
Sometimes the people you love most are the ones you have to leave most.
Consistency and resilience will change your life in ways you cannot imagine yet.
It's not your job to make everybody happy.
You can make people think, but not change them.
Your mind can be your best friend or worst enemy. Choose wisely.
Try to appreciate other's work. So upvote..
I'm 14 and this is deep... Have a Hollywood actress and some child born in extreme poverty in Yemen side by side and tell them the first sentence out loud lol.
@@Piterixos Truth.
Great info! A familial relationship (and other types) can also have these problems, and the prolonged hurt can run deep, especially if you want to keep in contact regardless.
This is really true, and can also develop in people who were otherwise very good at not showing these traits. I recently had a breakup and have only just been able to start understanding this. Earlier in the relationship, I genuinely felt like I was very diplomatic and calm and coming at conflict as a team mate and wanting to ask myself first if I could be the problem rather than presume I’m right. Unfortunately, I kept doing this and my girlfriend did not reciprocate; she kept being overly angry and emotional when discussing things and never took the stance of acknowledging her own mistakes. Over time, this made me begin to show some of the behaviours in this video, which she of course picked up on and pointed out, which made me feel horrible and feel like a bad person. It’s really affected my self-image, yet though I don’t want to find blame in others, I do not recognise I developed these behaviours due to her prolonged inability to take ownership of her mistakes and act maturely with me.
My lesson, communicate clearly and effectively early, but be wary if you start to think your partner is not showing you the same respect and tell them this up front before it becomes messy. If they continue to disagree, consider they may have some personal development to do before they are suitable for a relationship. Otherwise you yourself can become like this and it will really impact your self image.
you have an amazing take on the end of your relationship. you can very clearly understand what went wrong and happened between the two of you, and i hope that brings you some closure. this insight alone lets me know that one day you are going to have a very healthy relationship.
I'm very much like this now, everytime im trying to do communicate. It's me who make him hurt and i need to have character development.
I never in relationship before this. I don't feel like i need relationship yet, but he make me consider perhaps it's my time to learning and face new things in my life.
I talking with more logic bcs im not really understanding or have sensitive feeling, but it's cause him sensitive and now after several month, i'm realizing start to have his sensitive behavior too, and i'm scared unconciously being gaslighter, narcissistic, and manipulator.
Now i'm trying to fix myself to get the track back and trying make this relationship work out, trying to connecting us no matter what the method.
But if it's still doesn't change i'll tryingto be brave, to end this bcs i won't hurting anyone more, my self, him, our parents who know about us, and our close friends that actually affected by our relationship (slightly almost lost them).
Im afraid, I'm egoist narcissistic person hurting anyone.
Remindes me of one of the most personally useful books Ive ever read called "Nonviolent Communication"
All of this killed my last relationship, but only one of us was willing to/actively trying work on it. It is so important to be on the same page. Save yourself the wasted time.
Please understand that you can do everything "right" in a relationship, but if the other person is trying to control and dominate you, you cannot "work it out". I tried the "I feel" method- the response was " I never did that, that never happened, you are ill and not remembering, I'm worried about you". If this is happening to you consistently you cannot "work it out" because it is gaslighting and is manipulative abuse. Gaslighting has devastating effects on our mental faculties and confidence. So remember- you CAN leave ANY relationship at any time. If the other person is really trying to work with you- then keep working on yourself and enjoy!
I'm going to suggest this video to some of my friends. I wish I saw it before my marriage.
I was in a 8 yr relationship we got engaged last yr broke up a month ago. She had to many problems with my family and wanted me to disown them. My opinion it's very difficult to have a family and not be able to forgive them for things especially when it's not that bad or offensive. She couldn't deal with my mom calling her immature and never let it go. So that is the end.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it's probably for the better. Her trying to separate you from your family is a red flag.
@quixotic sonnet, you are right. That's why I'm just going through the breakup process and not looking back. It isn't easy, friend. It ain't easy....
It also might be an opportunity to look at the relationship you have with your family a little closer. If you find similar comments from your next relationship, not the abusive tactics, then there might be a small kernel of truth. I had this happen in a different way and I learned to be openminded and change my behavior and reactions.
If my fiancé's mother called me "immature", and my fiancé didn't defend me or stick up for me, that would be a sign for me to leave the relationship too. It's for the best. I would never let anyone get away with insulting my future wife, not even my family.
"Not that bad or offensive" could be true. It also could be a red flag that you are too used to toxic or annoying behaviour in your family because you grew up with it and she didn't. Your mom calling your partner names to your face and you not standing up to that probably left her feeling unsupported. But I really dont know the full situation, so I'm just throwing those thoughts out there so it ensures success for your future relationship.
I noticed a lot of these in my on again off again relationship I had. When the good times were good, it was so positive and supportive. When the times were bad it was exactly like this, criticizing, stonewalling, contempt. I wish I saw this video back then. Maybe we could have worked it out... 😐
My morning alarm going off is usually what signals the end of my relationships...
Once the "Honeymoon phase" -- lovey dovey season is over and IF u find yourself bored/stuck in a toxic/non-stop arguments over the mundane things just end it and move on.
Life is way too short to be stress out with a partner/any relationships to try to cope/endure.
Find your own happiness✓
Solitude and peace is the ultimate bliss✓
I don’t think Miley’s rebellious immature oversexualized behavior in public at an event on camera in a professional setting where it could reflect negatively on him should be used as example of when your partner acts embarrassed by you. If it’s one person acting embarrassed when you have done nothing to bring attention to them and it’s not your behavior at fault - that’s the red flag. Miley knew she was making him uncomfortable and disregarded his feelings for her own amusement. If her partner had been into it, or blushing but, you could tell he enjoyed it - that’s different. She was giving the red flags, not him.
She's an open sexual human creature and he's a totally different character; far more closed than her. She's a far more exciting person he's more confident and less controlled by banal societal norms. He's a robot basically that's controlled by mediocrity. To be fair she may indeed have done this to prove just how boring he is. To him. Serves him right for dating someone that's on an excitement level higher than he is. He's a dullard.
It really just shows that they are not a good couple.
Thank you for the video, I found out that investing is not for everybody, you just need a strong stomach too see your portfolio go down. It might be wiser for a novice to start with copy trading investing, but it is not easy. To invest in growth stocks it is another level, definitely you need to know what are you doing.
From my own point of view, you need to invest smartly if you need the good things of life. so far i've made over $255k in raw profits from just 6 months into the market from my diversified portfolio strategy and i believe anyone can do it you have the right strategy, mutual funds takes long time but investing smartly is the key for short term. Most of us tend to pay more attention to the shiniest position in the market to the cost of proper diversification.
This is a phenomenal advice for a new stock traders and investors who want that quick short term game, but don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My portfolio is very much diversified so it's not like i have a particular fund i invest in, plus i dont do that by myself. i follow the trades of Mrs Karen Gaye Gray.
She is a popular broker you might have heard of. I can correctly say she's worth her salt as a financial advisor as her diversification skills are top notch, because i see that in her results as my portfolio grows by averages of 10 to 15% on a monthly basis, unlike i can say for my IRA which has just been trudging along, my portfolio just mirrors what she trades and not just on some particular industries of my choosing.
@@katrinatyler675By following her trades do you mean copying her trades? I have heard about copying trades
"Calm tone" ...something one of my parents could NEVER do even for the smallest of arguments. WHEW!!! =P
I followed all the steps, but my one remaining houseplant, Hans, just packed up all of their belongings and left the door open... oh, I'm in a glass cage of emotion...
This whole video proved that my previous relationship was about to end 😢 and it did.
It works 60% of the time, all the time.
I'm so guilty of "I feel like you" damn.... gotta stay mindful of that
I'm 42 years old and have always been gaslit by my mom. She currently lives in my house and still gaslights. Saying things like "ur taking it wrong," "That's not what happened," constant projection, and downgrading my feelings. I feel like I have no control over my own life.
My quick tips (for guys, but maybe women too)are:
1. shower with love
2. give hugs
In conversations:
3. listen and use logic on what's being said, not to have a retort, but to get to the root of the issue.
uh no
Bad tips.
I'll stick to the video thanks. Maybe keep your tips to yourself in future. We're here for the video and comments about it. Not your advice.
Coach Corey Wayne has great tips
@@jonathanbowen3640 Jeez, why so rude? People are allowed to comment, even if their advice is far from useful. It is a 'Comment Section' after all.
Great video on the The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling by Gottman. I learned so much from their books!
Okay but let's not say if a relationship is doomed it's necessarily a bad thing. Ending relationships should be praised just as lifelong relationships are praised.
When I'm wrong or failed, it's so easy for me to reverse blame instead of accepting responsibility. I'm still working on it.
This is a very well structured video. Thank you for doing it !
This is honestly very good advice. I independently came to some of these same conclusions as well, and if both people in a relationship can stick to them, the relationship is likely to prosper.
Just got out of a relationship, even if you're aware of all of this. It takes a ton of effort to apply this daily. There will come a time when you're overwhelmed by your other responsibilities and it could seem like your partner is asking for too much. Never hesitate to ask for your parents' advice. Never forget the fact that you deserve to be treated with respect. Everything will sort itself out in the end.
My ex did all of those in a single fight lol seriously run away from those. My wife never ever does that, we are happy.
Seeing this makes me think relationships aren't for me
"I'm Sorry YOU feel that Way."
Well. You could have just @‘d me 😂
Love your content!
When you realise you've seen your parents do each and every one of these things at least once every single day for the past 9 months...
Honestly, this is more helpful as a thing that shows me what I’m doing wrong.
what a segway to charisma university, if you don't want to die alone join our program!! lol long time fan of the channel, just saying that is one hell of a sales pitch
Why are some of us like this and some aren't? Maybe the obvious - the people who were modeled healthy behavior in childhood are better? I do all of this in my relationship.
I definitely have issues with being critical. I used to work for a man who connected every negative behavior to a character defect. I think by the time I realized what was going on I'd already internalized the process. That's something I gotta unlearn fast. On the upside, I also know how to connect good behaviors with good character, and I've noticed people REALLY seem to like when I do that... so silver lining.
"Thank you for reaching out about this, that was very brave."
"Thank you for doing the dishes, you're so helpful."
"You're so diligent for making it on time in spite of traffic."
Is your Partner Distant? Wanting more & more time away from you then with you, gives you the cold shoulder even if you're trying to be nice? Then your Relationship is on the rocks.
Great video. I'm married 23 years and I agree with all of it. Our relationship never went down this road. But I saw plenty of people where it did and they were never able to get back on track. Once that stonewalling begins, that's apathy. The last phase where they don't even want to fight anymore. Not good.
I have to say I don't think Liam Hemsworth being embarrassed by Miley Cyrus is a bad thing. He obviously wants a woman with more class and there's nothing wrong with that. If your partner is constantly embarrassed of you, maybe it's not because they think they are superior. Maybe they think you are degrading yourself and you can do better. Take a look at your behavior first if you are embarrassing your partner before writing them off as thinking they are better than you.
But the definition of “degrading behavior” is subjective. What one person calls degrading, another person calls playful. When two people have different beliefs about what is acceptable, then one person can definitely feel superior to another because their partner doesn’t act “the right way.” That leads to one person trying to change another simply because they feel that their approach to life is somehow more appropriate and better. He was continually trying to change her with each comment he made.
@@free22👏👏👏
Signs that your relationship isn't working out:
1) Your watching this video...
2) Do you really need more signs?
“Why do you stay in prison, when the door is so wide open?” -Rumi
The one thing I get from this is that Lynette and Tom in DHW as well as Marshall and Lily in HIMYM formed two of the best couples I’ve been given to watch on a screen (tv or movie theater).
I don't wanna lie, i am guilty of "defensiveness". Bruh this is eye opening.
Yeah my relationship has all four. I've wanted to bring this up with him but didn't know how to articulate what I'm feeling. This clears up a lot!
can you make a video to Ryan Gosling quiet introvert charisma? Because he is really charismatic and i think this community (including me) would like it 👍👌
Only a Sith deals in absolutes
Wait.. did you just say.. only?
A counter point to defensiveness. If your partner admits to it - the only they can do is change with action. Stop looking for pretty words and for them to say how sorry they are. Wanting an explanation is fine but the digger you deep the worse it might get and turn into criticism and an attack on them. You can suggest therapy if the behavior goes beyond normal stuff but attacking them will build resentment.
It’s absolutely insane they don’t teach this in school. What’s the point of getting a good job if you don’t come home to a happy, loving home.
No matter how bad of a day I have or how dark the future looks, I know every single day I’ll come home to my girlfriend and have a really fun time hanging out with her!
This video is more helpful than you know! Keep this content coming!
Well, i have complained about something that bothered me, several times in a calm wa, then it became criticism, and then contempt, and keeping on addressing the same issue over and over without resolving it turned us and especially me into defensive mode, and after months like this, i withdrew from the relationship
Well done, I’ll be rewatching this. I have read about the four horsemen before - your examples gave great clarity!
"A model that predicts your relationship will end and it's 90% accurate!"
Me: But 90% of the relationships we have end anyways
Scam 100
If you see yourself treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or superiority, also consider whether you are fundamentally incompatible. You shouldn't treat them in that way, but WHY are you treating them in that way?
"I didn't compare you to your father. I said you were acting like him."
Women's wordplay tactics in a nutshell: reframing the discussion to avoid culpability
Which is silly because when you use the word "like" you are comparing by definition.
Men’s world play tactics: just call her crazy instead of listening
instead, why go through the trouble at all?
One issue I couldn’t prevent from ending my relationship is the so-called boundaries and limits that just kept getting ridiculous. It got to a point where I got off social media and just generally stopped going out with friends and seeing my family, and it still wasn’t enough.
It’s tough to look out for because you ultimately want to respect your partners wishes but it was one thing after the other.
Respecting your partners wishes is all well and good. But if they clash with your wishes, there is a discussion to be had. You are not the only one who has to give in to make it work.
Try to get to the „root“ of someone’s boundary. They want you to get off social media ? Ask them why. Is it because you are constantly on your phone? Or share ‚naked’ pictures? is it because they generally don’t trust you? Or because you’ve been caught messaging other people before? When you actually understand the reason, you can usually find a compromise that works for both partners. Unless it‘s because they simply don‘t trust you. Then that‘s a ‚them‘ problem. If a person is incapable of trust, they will never trust you, no matter how much of yourself you give up.
Great video, thank you for providing more visibility to Dr. Gottman's work.
why are you watching this ? go get a relationship first
This is why they say to have a good relationship you need to learn to build a two lane road, So flow of information can be shared, heard and reciprocated. Too many times have i seen friends and family fall out of a relationship because they have a one lane street, Where both talk about there feelings but neither is listening. And if you feel like you are going to be heated about a subject of conversation, Let them finish talking ask to pause and explain i need to process everything you said, If they press you then it could be because you are in a bad relationship as well.
The tips are on point! My lady and I have been together 12 years now going strong 😄
I took communications classes and a lot of what is mentioned in these video's are accurate. corresponding to what is taught in college.
At 4:05 in Liam Hemsworth/ Miley Cirus situation i totally disagree. He is not acting like she's embarrassing him (or with superiority), he may actually be embarrassed. Her immature behaviour and moves are actually embarassing even watching them from home.
I'd definitely be embarassed about Miley Cyrus' behaviour as well.
Mind games are important, without it we all men would become comfortable and docile.
Video is 15 days to late after 7 years married 13 years together I’m sitting here alone wishing I could change the past………..
One of my pet peeves has always been people telling me never or always.
1 - She's Miley Cyrus
2 - She's Miley Cyrus
3 - She's Miley Cyrus
4 - She's Miley Cyrus
8:54 that is snot stonewalling
It is suicide
So there's no good criticism?
Embarrassment can also be a power play by the deliverer when it's constantly done to belittle its reciever, and I see it more commonly than the receiver having a superiority complex.
1) It's my relationship. 100% so far!
LOL
You got this from the Gotham 4 horsemen article I bet
I wrote a similar report on it in 2019 and did a presentation the '4 horsemen of the apocolypse' for relationships =D
Be blunt to narcissist best solution ever done look whether they are older than you or younger. Also 2nd tip if no one finds you arrogant when you try to debate but they then 100% confirmed that person is narcissist.
Great video, great tips. Thanks for your efforts.
This 4 signs are too late stage. When you have contempt you are already on the way out. What would really be helpful are predictors when everything is new and good. The fact that people can only talk about signs when the relationship is already dying, shows that relationships are pure gambling.
Man, all of this is so legit.
Edit: OMG! I've been stonewalling, and i always asked for a while to calm myself down.
Remember, 'stonewalling' isn't always intended to hurt, but sometimes people need to stop responding before they lose their temper. Pushing someone to respond IMMEDIATELY is not always fair or wise, as long as they can be relied upon to respond within a reasonable amount of time.
i don't have a psychology degree but i can predict 99% of your relationship won't last because 99% don't.