I think perhaps those who have made adoption plans for their babies and the baby may have fantasies of how a reunion would/should look. It’s easy to fantasize about it. Perhaps a protective mechanism. As how could you or your child in your own ways handle any more possible pain if it were otherwise. Thank you for being real with what you know and have learned. Much respect, Mama!
PS it’s easy for me to fantasize as an adoptive Mom. In my dream, I would see my daughter’s face in her birthmom. I would hug her and weep for all of the time she missed every beautiful moment I’ve gotten to have with her daughter that she has missed. But the reality is, I don’t know if her Mom wants to ever see or hear from her. I don’t know if her Mom has a mental health disorder, or if she would say nasty things about my daughter to my daughter’s face. Those would pain me.
I love that you visualize your daughters reunion and what it would look like from your point of view but also that you play devils advocate with your own thoughts. You are an awesome person.
Im sorry your reunion was rather difficult. As a partial adoptee, trying to find my biological father's side of the family took me 20+ yeads. I was relieved to find they had always been searching for me too. Sadened to find i was 6 years to late of meeting my bio father and his wife. They had died in a horrific accident. It's actually how I was finally able to find my siblings. We talked for awhile on phone, before We finally met in person on Christmas. There was thst instant connection, because we were so alike, both in looks and mannerism. However, trying to build a relationship has been difficult. We've been separated for 40+ years. So trying to remember 'oh I have a new sibling to talk to" is hard. We're so involved in our own little worlds, we forgot to reach out to that new connection.
I'm so sorry that you were never able to meet your bio father and his wife. I'm not sure how I would have reacted to receiving that news. It must have been so painful to find that out. Nonetheless, I'm so happy that you were able to find your siblings and have that instant connection. I also understand how difficult it is to work on these new relationships. Sometimes I feel it takes more diligence than I'm able to give. 💜
It takes time. I only met my cousins on a regular basis after I was 30 years old. And indeed it was easier to build a relationship after their children were in highschool / college.
Thank you for posting these viewpoints. They all make sense. I am not sure about trying for finding biological connections, but my kids want me to. God bless you on your journey, I am glad that you chose life!❤🙏
The reunion journey is filled with anxiety but one I wouldn't change for the world because I get to know my daughter. Take your time in making the decision to search. Eventually, you will make the decision that is right for you. I wish you luck on your path. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing this. I grew up with a stepmom who is adopted and have watched her grapple with that since I was a teen. I’m now 50. I now have my own adopted child. She was 9 months when we met and adopted her. She is now 21. Most don’t understand (esp those not in adoption or made an adoption plan for baby) how very complex it is & instead say “pat” things like “you should be grateful.” It’s unfair esp to an adoptee who didn’t choose to be born or adopted. People would say “I hope she knows one day how lucky she is to have you.” etc… We feel like the blessed ones. While also acknowledging the pain of birthmom not getting to enjoy what we have. The loss for our daughter not knowing her birth family, etc. My child is from a closed, international adoption. Thankfully in her country and with the adoption agency/orphanage it’s been true adoptions and no stolen kids, etc. So friends have been able to hire private investigators and at times meet birth family. It is NOT always a good thing. So it remains something my daughter isn’t sure she’s ready to explore. We talk about and have prayed for her birthmom. She doesn’t mention birthdad ever which seems to be common…have you found that to be true? I support my daughter in whatever she chooses and have told her the best thing would be to work with a counselor before, during where possible and after. We have seen neutral, positive and negative reunions. Due to her own developmental trauma of being abandoned and neglected for months in an institution, it would be that much more to grapple with if it didn’t go well. I will save this video which is honest and food for thought. I’m sorry for your pain, and glad for the little positives in this for you. God bless you for giving birth and blessing a family with your child. I give thanks so often that my daughter’s Mom chose life.
Thank you so much for centering your daughters needs over your own. It is not common for adoptive parents to do so although it does seem to me that more AP are learning just how complex adoption and it's traumas are. I do find that adoptees seek out their Birth Mother first. I think it has everything to do with being the gestational carrier and the bond that is created. That's not to say that Birth Dad's aren't important and aren't sought out. It's just different. Your daughter is still young and maturing. I reunited with my daughter when she was 28 and although I'm sad that I missed out on so much time, I do think that it was the right age to begin reunion. I remember when I was 21 and I had no business making decisions lol so even though she may be mature, she is still young and has time to work through some of her feelings before seeking out reunion. With that said, I completely agree with you that she should seek out therapy before, during and after. Especially after! I can attest to the need for it as so many thoughts and feelings arise that had never crossed my mind before. Should you go that route, try finding and adoption competent therapist and I suggest that she join some adoptee only groups where she will have her feelings and thoughts validated. There are several on Facebook. Where ever your journey takes you, I wish you so much luck on your path. Thank you for all of your kind words and for being an awesome Mom. 💜
My husband was adopted and his birth mum is bi-polar psychotic. Our reunion was kind of fun, but my husband doesn't deal with mental illness and although I encouraged him to stay in touch as best I could, he can't deal with it. His half-sister doesn't like me, so now we just keep our distance.
I'm so sorry that things didn't work out in your husbands reunion. You never know which way reunion will go. It's a crap shoot in reality. I'm sure your support and efforts didn't go unnoticed. 💜
I am an adoptee. Though I went back to the adoption agency and got some information and signed up with some registries I never received anything from them, nor did I reconnect with my birth family. I couldn’t afford to look further at that time. I’m sure my birth parents are gone now. It was a different time.
What kind of myths or misconceptions have you heard?
I think perhaps those who have made adoption plans for their babies and the baby may have fantasies of how a reunion would/should look. It’s easy to fantasize about it. Perhaps a protective mechanism. As how could you or your child in your own ways handle any more possible pain if it were otherwise.
Thank you for being real with what you know and have learned.
Much respect, Mama!
PS it’s easy for me to fantasize as an adoptive Mom. In my dream, I would see my daughter’s face in her birthmom. I would hug her and weep for all of the time she missed every beautiful moment I’ve gotten to have with her daughter that she has missed.
But the reality is, I don’t know if her Mom wants to ever see or hear from her. I don’t know if her Mom has a mental health disorder, or if she would say nasty things about my daughter to my daughter’s face. Those would pain me.
I love that you visualize your daughters reunion and what it would look like from your point of view but also that you play devils advocate with your own thoughts. You are an awesome person.
Im sorry your reunion was rather difficult. As a partial adoptee, trying to find my biological father's side of the family took me 20+ yeads. I was relieved to find they had always been searching for me too. Sadened to find i was 6 years to late of meeting my bio father and his wife. They had died in a horrific accident.
It's actually how I was finally able to find my siblings. We talked for awhile on phone, before We finally met in person on Christmas. There was thst instant connection, because we were so alike, both in looks and mannerism.
However, trying to build a relationship has been difficult. We've been separated for 40+ years. So trying to remember 'oh I have a new sibling to talk to" is hard. We're so involved in our own little worlds, we forgot to reach out to that new connection.
I'm so sorry that you were never able to meet your bio father and his wife. I'm not sure how I would have reacted to receiving that news. It must have been so painful to find that out. Nonetheless, I'm so happy that you were able to find your siblings and have that instant connection. I also understand how difficult it is to work on these new relationships. Sometimes I feel it takes more diligence than I'm able to give. 💜
It takes time. I only met my cousins on a regular basis after I was 30 years old. And indeed it was easier to build a relationship after their children were in highschool / college.
Thank you for posting these viewpoints. They all make sense. I am not sure about trying for finding biological connections, but my kids want me to. God bless you on your journey, I am glad that you chose life!❤🙏
The reunion journey is filled with anxiety but one I wouldn't change for the world because I get to know my daughter. Take your time in making the decision to search. Eventually, you will make the decision that is right for you. I wish you luck on your path. 💜
Thank you so much for sharing this. I grew up with a stepmom who is adopted and have watched her grapple with that since I was a teen. I’m now 50.
I now have my own adopted child. She was 9 months when we met and adopted her. She is now 21.
Most don’t understand (esp those not in adoption or made an adoption plan for baby) how very complex it is & instead say “pat” things like “you should be grateful.” It’s unfair esp to an adoptee who didn’t choose to be born or adopted. People would say “I hope she knows one day how lucky she is to have you.” etc… We feel like the blessed ones. While also acknowledging the pain of birthmom not getting to enjoy what we have. The loss for our daughter not knowing her birth family, etc.
My child is from a closed, international adoption. Thankfully in her country and with the adoption agency/orphanage it’s been true adoptions and no stolen kids, etc. So friends have been able to hire private investigators and at times meet birth family.
It is NOT always a good thing. So it remains something my daughter isn’t sure she’s ready to explore. We talk about and have prayed for her birthmom. She doesn’t mention birthdad ever which seems to be common…have you found that to be true?
I support my daughter in whatever she chooses and have told her the best thing would be to work with a counselor before, during where possible and after.
We have seen neutral, positive and negative reunions. Due to her own developmental trauma of being abandoned and neglected for months in an institution, it would be that much more to grapple with if it didn’t go well.
I will save this video which is honest and food for thought.
I’m sorry for your pain, and glad for the little positives in this for you.
God bless you for giving birth and blessing a family with your child. I give thanks so often that my daughter’s Mom chose life.
Thank you so much for centering your daughters needs over your own. It is not common for adoptive parents to do so although it does seem to me that more AP are learning just how complex adoption and it's traumas are.
I do find that adoptees seek out their Birth Mother first. I think it has everything to do with being the gestational carrier and the bond that is created. That's not to say that Birth Dad's aren't important and aren't sought out. It's just different.
Your daughter is still young and maturing. I reunited with my daughter when she was 28 and although I'm sad that I missed out on so much time, I do think that it was the right age to begin reunion. I remember when I was 21 and I had no business making decisions lol so even though she may be mature, she is still young and has time to work through some of her feelings before seeking out reunion. With that said, I completely agree with you that she should seek out therapy before, during and after. Especially after! I can attest to the need for it as so many thoughts and feelings arise that had never crossed my mind before. Should you go that route, try finding and adoption competent therapist and I suggest that she join some adoptee only groups where she will have her feelings and thoughts validated. There are several on Facebook.
Where ever your journey takes you, I wish you so much luck on your path. Thank you for all of your kind words and for being an awesome Mom. 💜
My husband was adopted and his birth mum is bi-polar psychotic. Our reunion was kind of fun, but my husband doesn't deal with mental illness and although I encouraged him to stay in touch as best I could, he can't deal with it. His half-sister doesn't like me, so now we just keep our distance.
I'm so sorry that things didn't work out in your husbands reunion. You never know which way reunion will go. It's a crap shoot in reality. I'm sure your support and efforts didn't go unnoticed. 💜
@@AdoptionReunion Thank you for your kind words. My husband really is a top bloke and I am extremely grateful to his birth mum.
I am an adoptee. Though I went back to the adoption agency and got some information and signed up with some registries I never received anything from them, nor did I reconnect with my birth family. I couldn’t afford to look further at that time. I’m sure my birth parents are gone now. It was a different time.
I’m so sorry you didn’t have the chance to reconnect with your birth parents. Have you thought about doing a DNA test to find other family members?
I didnt even know these things are now shows
So true, been there
Thanks for this. I have a horror story to tell
🫂