I agree, deep avoidance quickly blurs into narcissist territory. I don’t agree that the woman (or anyone) should be doing any chasing. Pursuing, decisiveness, and leadership are masculine qualities. I think it should be a dance, plenty encouraged by the woman, but generally led by the man. Avoidants may be present and not thinking about the past, but it’s because they avoid processing their past. Which is very unhealthy. Not good, particularly in the long term. And let’s not forget their phantom ex tendencies. They often don’t fully let go of exes because of this lack of processing. Personally, I don’t want someone who still has unresolved feelings for or issues with an ex, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. With an avoidant you will either be expected to do the majority of the relationship work (and chase or do all pursuing, likely regularly activating any of your anxious tendencies) or you will have to lean or become avoidant yourself. Avoidants really should just date avoidants and stop hoodwinking people ready to more fully show up in a relationship. They’re so independent yet they don’t seem to know themselves well enough to know they will only hurt people that are ready or looking for a real relationship, so should choose partners on their level instead…or more likely, as you said, they don’t consider the other person’s feelings, so they don’t care. I see no upsides to dating an avoidant in any long term sense, except, again, in terms of two avoidants. But, sure, to each their own, lol.
The only person who can have a successful relationship with an avoidant, is another avoidant. It'll be a hollow and superficial relationship that wouldn't be satisfying for a securely attached person. Your description of "being emotionally bulletproof" is the definition of an avoidant. Or at least someone more secure, but accepts that they'll be doing all the work in the relationship; they'll end up developing a lot of resentments for this and it won't last very long.
Great video, chuckled out loud to some parts: "Getting info out of them is like getting blood out of a stone". Made me think about how different and difficult it must be on the receiving end - thank you for clarifying it is unintentional. I've often been told by then partners that they "don't know where they stand". I've always just wondered, "well why don't you just ask?" Sure, maybe it takes us a while because we're so "in the present", we haven't actually taken the time to think about and process how we feel, where it's all going etc. so asking brings it into the present and if we like you, a priority.
Great video. I saw some of the red flags you mention in someone I recently dated, but in only 40 days I stopped the romance/dating. Not worth it. How mentally healthy people cope with such "relationships"? I think anyone with self love and self steem should not entertain dating avoidants. They need to work on themselves, and if not, then they can just be alone or date among themselves.
My thoughts exactly. A man that doesn’t take the lead on commitment typically either isn’t sure or wants to be chased. Neither are masculine qualities-but feminine.
@@kaylinnb any man I have ever taken the lead with there was no polarity and the attraction wasn't there. Being in my feminine energy is about flowing, being present in the moment, allowing things to unfold Not forcing things or leading things to happen. Any man wanting leadership in a relationship is in his feminine energy lol
So far no con’s for me. I hate being suffocated in a relationship. The lady I am seeing is an Avoidant. I have hardly spent any money, just a book in 4 months. All our dates have been outdoors. She is from Ukraine and I am in the UK.
So according to your video…. What would the qualities be that an anxious person sees in an avoidant? Why would you want to be with someone not good at sharing feelings?
It becomes an addiction to the highs and lows from the intermittent reinforcement and she becomes insecure seeking his validation from feeling rejected amd confused by him...
Someone who makes you have to constantly work for their love or attention is very appealing to those with childhood neglect wounds. Those used to a “love” dynamic where they don’t matter much. It’s a challenge they are familiar with, and familiarity sparks chemistry.
As much as I would love to agree with you, there's also another factor that you haven't considered. A lot of dating gurus online. Have told women to get the man to chase them. They're told dont chase men. I am an independent woman, but i do like a man who chases, but i reciprocate if a man does it first. Idk
I think pursue is a better word. I believe is if someone’s chasing means the other persons running away. It sounds like a bit of a contradiction, “I’m an independent woman but want a traditional man.” This mindset keeps many women single these days. Most success high value men don’t want to pursue a difficult woman. We want a woman that adds lots of value and helps make our lives easier as we want to help make the woman’s life easier. We don’t need a 50/50 relationship but a woman who is successful and can turn off work, be grateful and thankful and show that they care and appreciate is enough to make it worth it. Dating a woman who puts themselves first but expects the guy to put them first is no fun.
I agree, deep avoidance quickly blurs into narcissist territory.
I don’t agree that the woman (or anyone) should be doing any chasing. Pursuing, decisiveness, and leadership are masculine qualities. I think it should be a dance, plenty encouraged by the woman, but generally led by the man.
Avoidants may be present and not thinking about the past, but it’s because they avoid processing their past. Which is very unhealthy. Not good, particularly in the long term.
And let’s not forget their phantom ex tendencies. They often don’t fully let go of exes because of this lack of processing. Personally, I don’t want someone who still has unresolved feelings for or issues with an ex, whether they are consciously aware of it or not.
With an avoidant you will either be expected to do the majority of the relationship work (and chase or do all pursuing, likely regularly activating any of your anxious tendencies) or you will have to lean or become avoidant yourself.
Avoidants really should just date avoidants and stop hoodwinking people ready to more fully show up in a relationship. They’re so independent yet they don’t seem to know themselves well enough to know they will only hurt people that are ready or looking for a real relationship, so should choose partners on their level instead…or more likely, as you said, they don’t consider the other person’s feelings, so they don’t care.
I see no upsides to dating an avoidant in any long term sense, except, again, in terms of two avoidants. But, sure, to each their own, lol.
Very nicely, put. Thank you
The only person who can have a successful relationship with an avoidant, is another avoidant. It'll be a hollow and superficial relationship that wouldn't be satisfying for a securely attached person. Your description of "being emotionally bulletproof" is the definition of an avoidant. Or at least someone more secure, but accepts that they'll be doing all the work in the relationship; they'll end up developing a lot of resentments for this and it won't last very long.
Avoidant-avoidant relationships typically don’t last because their lack of intimacy pushes each other away.
Great video, chuckled out loud to some parts: "Getting info out of them is like getting blood out of a stone". Made me think about how different and difficult it must be on the receiving end - thank you for clarifying it is unintentional. I've often been told by then partners that they "don't know where they stand". I've always just wondered, "well why don't you just ask?" Sure, maybe it takes us a while because we're so "in the present", we haven't actually taken the time to think about and process how we feel, where it's all going etc. so asking brings it into the present and if we like you, a priority.
Great video. I saw some of the red flags you mention in someone I recently dated, but in only 40 days I stopped the romance/dating. Not worth it. How mentally healthy people cope with such "relationships"? I think anyone with self love and self steem should not entertain dating avoidants. They need to work on themselves, and if not, then they can just be alone or date among themselves.
The masculine is supposed to be the leader. If the women is pushing for a relationship she is in the masculine role 🤔🧐
My thoughts exactly. A man that doesn’t take the lead on commitment typically either isn’t sure or wants to be chased. Neither are masculine qualities-but feminine.
@@kaylinnb any man I have ever taken the lead with there was no polarity and the attraction wasn't there. Being in my feminine energy is about flowing, being present in the moment, allowing things to unfold
Not forcing things or leading things to happen. Any man wanting leadership in a relationship is in his feminine energy lol
So far no con’s for me. I hate being suffocated in a relationship. The lady I am seeing is an Avoidant. I have hardly spent any money, just a book in 4 months. All our dates have been outdoors. She is from Ukraine and I am in the UK.
So according to your video…. What would the qualities be that an anxious person sees in an avoidant? Why would you want to be with someone not good at sharing feelings?
It becomes an addiction to the highs and lows from the intermittent reinforcement and she becomes insecure seeking his validation from feeling rejected amd confused by him...
Someone who makes you have to constantly work for their love or attention is very appealing to those with childhood neglect wounds. Those used to a “love” dynamic where they don’t matter much. It’s a challenge they are familiar with, and familiarity sparks chemistry.
@@kaylinnb yes this too. They could be repeating their parent child relationship until they learn to not equate love with chaos and abuse.
Keep your chin up Joel
Thanks mate. All part of the process
As much as I would love to agree with you, there's also another factor that you haven't considered. A lot of dating gurus online. Have told women to get the man to chase them. They're told dont chase men. I am an independent woman, but i do like a man who chases, but i reciprocate if a man does it first. Idk
I think pursue is a better word. I believe is if someone’s chasing means the other persons running away.
It sounds like a bit of a contradiction, “I’m an independent woman but want a traditional man.” This mindset keeps many women single these days. Most success high value men don’t want to pursue a difficult woman. We want a woman that adds lots of value and helps make our lives easier as we want to help make the woman’s life easier.
We don’t need a 50/50 relationship but a woman who is successful and can turn off work, be grateful and thankful and show that they care and appreciate is enough to make it worth it. Dating a woman who puts themselves first but expects the guy to put them first is no fun.