TikTok Explains Why your Masking SUCKS | Actually Autistic TikToks
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- Опубліковано 23 лип 2024
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Autistic person reacts to actually autistic TIkToks!
💛WATCH NEXT💛:
You are NOT Lazy: 12 Strategies to Overcome Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA):
• 12 Ways to actually Do...
YOU'RE ALL ATTENTION SEEKING... | Actually Autistic TikToks:
• You're Faking Autism f...
📹 My Videos mentioned 📹:
But what does Masking feel like from the Inside?:
• But what does Masking ...
Autistic Person Reacts to Autism TikToks!:
• Autistic Person Reacts...
You are NOT Lazy: 12 Strategies to Overcome Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA):
• 12 Ways to actually Do...
00:00 I don't know how you feel...
00:20 Stimming is FUN
04:50 If Autistics were Honest
07:20 The Bucket of Woe
15:57 You can't mask it
18:10 A question for late-diagnosed Autistics
📒 Sources 📒:
Double Empathy Problem:
www.spectrumnews.org/news/dou...
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD):
www.mind.org.uk/information-s....
Spoon Theory of Disability:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_t...
The TikToks:
www.tiktok.com/@iamalyx/video...
www.tiktok.com/@pooks8008/vid...
www.tiktok.com/@blusatine/vid...
www.tiktok.com/@eviesbookaddi...
www.tiktok.com/@autihdwithchl...
📖 *Books I'd Recommend about Autism 📖 :
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg
Different not Less by Chloe Hayden (read if you want to cry):
amzn.to/40fKx2m
Unmasking Autism by Devon Price:
amzn.to/3LhMV3j
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DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
I LOVE that bucket of woe explanation from the autistic doctor. What do you think?
If you missed the last TikToks (we talk boomers, the Titanic, and why people fake autism for attention?): ua-cam.com/video/R9dwy7HFOQg/v-deo.html
I also made a video a few weeks ago with tips for actually getting stuff done as an autistic person!: ua-cam.com/video/JoXIJhnFAdI/v-deo.html
Make sure you’re subscribed (if you want to be!) - I’ve been working on next week’s video for a while and I’m so excited to share it with you 💛
The bucket example was useful, but I feel like it already existed in the form of "the straw that broke the camel's back". So the idea that stressors build up and the last straw is what sends you over the edge has been around for longer than I can remember. But yeah, still an instructive visualization. Edit: especially after comparing the difderent sized buckets. That was actually the most interesting part.
Unfortunately for me, I have CPTSD as well, so my bucket is basically always full no matter what 😢
I prefer educational videos. I definitely will check out ‘bucket of woe’ if she is actually a doctor that specializes in Autism.
Thanks for sharing.
Because of the Double Empathy Problem and the social model of disability, I'm skeptical that neurotypicals actually have a bigger bucket and shorter list of woes. I suspect that we have similar capacities, but that's obscured by the fact that neurotypical society is built to minimize the number of "neurotypical woes" in everyday life-often at the expense of the neurodiverse. For example, I often work on my special interest for 16 hours straight, only breaking to use the restroom a few times throughout; I can thrive under these conditions and do so without even realizing how much time passed. However, if society was built around my ability to do so being considered normal, then an allistic who needs several 10-15 minute breaks throughout the day would likely be having meltdowns left and right, IMO. Or, if allistic people were forced to pick a special interest and spend hours at home memorizing facts in order to "fit in," I posit they would also find themselves with a constantly overflowing bucket of woes.
We've all seen allistic people have meltdowns-whether by yelling at a manager, breaking down and crying in their car, or getting in a fight with a friend-; however, an autistic having a meltdown is pathologized and generally considered rude or immature whereas an allistic having a meltdown is normalized and often met with compassion. I really don't think there's anything that unusual with how we react to being overburdened by woes with respect to allistics. Of course, if anyone has a different perspective, that's valid too and I welcome any contrary opinions.
It can be to some people i guess. It is essentially spoon theory, which i and any autist i know uses and once explained usually gets the job done.
I loved the bucket of woe! She was great. Is she on UA-cam? I'd love to check out more of her videos. (I'm old, so not on TikTok.) ;)
Before I knew I was autistic, I mocked non-masking individuals with autism. In my head, everyone wanted to "act autistic" (stim), but you had to learn to control yourself.
...nope turns out most people just don't want to act like that. They were just coping better with existence than I was.
I relate!! I always was aggrivated when non masking autistics stimmed because I saw it as acting out. I loathed when anyone acted out because I kept myself so still, watching every muscle and move.
Internalized ableism! 😭🥲 I did it too 🤚
It is like “straight” people who say, “everyone is attracted to both sexes, you just have to choose what to act on.” Hello, bisexual-in-denial!
Would “egg” apply? Or is that only for the trans experience, not pre self-discovery for all queer people?
OOf, that hit hard. Same. Even long before I figured out that I'm autistic, I knew that I had internalised ableism and didn't know how to deal with folks that were visibly neurodivergent or mentally disabled. I couldn't put it into words at the time, but I was scared and ashamed because I had learned to be ashamed and scared of my own divergence from neurotypical people, which I was suppressing. I'm slowly but surely unlearning that now.
@@theunknowndoodler You just blew my mind. I've had that exact dialogue like watching a kid with no manners like they should "try harder" survivalist mentality of if I can do it so can you. That's part of what makes it difficult to spot in family trees like "Oh that's weird but it runs in the family so get over it mask like they can."
A realization that I had recently is that the way kids used to imply that someone was a "retard" (or straight out say it), which I picked up, probably is more a presentation of autism than of intellectual disability. I'm talking the whole "smack one-handed T-rex arm against chest while speaking in 'durr' voice" thing. I didn't know I was autistic then or really even what autism was, but the "beat chest with T-rex arm" thing actually turns out to be a decently good stim, and a ton of us have issues with controlling our intonation, so I could easily see a mentally intact autistic individual having "durr" voice. I didn't have "durr" voice, but my voice definitely was (is?) weird. I was the "Ummmm, akshoo-uh-leeee 🤓" kid in school. Probably still am, TBH; For example, did you know that "T-rex arms" is not anatomically accurate? T-rexes physically could not make that gesture, their hands didn't rotate at the wrist, so their wrist always bent in the same direction as their elbow.
EDIT: Anyways, point being, TFW when you realize that your cruelty towards other kids as a child really applied to you.
I asked my friends if they ever thought I was neurotypical. They all said no and listed off a bunch of weird things I do. Apparently, not making eye contact is *really* obvious.
You have good honest friends. Mine said I was querky or a little strange. I ran in my tiptoes. I ate things that were not food. I ran around smelling things and insisted the letter A was red or that words tasted like something.
When at 40 I was diagnosed with autism, some people didn't believe it. I was feeling very ashamed for some reason. The truth is, being who you really are can hurt when nobody supports you.
@@jerrimenard3092What you're describing is synethsia (crosswiring of the senses), which is quit common with people on the spectrum
As far as being yourself and hurting goes, I find that it was named rather beautifully (in context of etymology). "Autos" means "self" in Greek (not sure if it's ancient Greek, or not - can't remember) and "-ism" is Latin for "the condition of;" read in full: "the condition of being one's Self." When you integrate the Jungian definitions of the word "Self," it takes on more a connotation of: "the *privilege* of being one's Self"
Autistic people are, fundamentally, spiritually allergic to the proverbial masks/personas society imposes upon them
@@--...--...--...Hmm I like that. I like the way u think stranger on the internet
Aw that sounds kinda validating. People haven't mentioned my eye contact so people must not notice, I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it
@heedmydemands I have my moments, I suppose haha
Thank you ❤️
"Don't worry, I'll have a melt down later" is my internal response every time I am expected to show up at a family gathering.
I don’t know if I’m autistic or not but this reminds me of when I was in college and my friend commented on how it was nice that I wasn’t embarrassed about rocking back and forth in public. I didn’t actually know I was doing it until they pointed it out, but then I was stuck with taking on that role of “oh yeah, I’m totally not embarrassed by it at all! I’m such a model of self confidence! haha!”
O man, were u able to keep doing it afterward?
I also had no idea I was rocking back and forth until I was 18 and someone asked me if I had some sort of syndrome that caused this lol
I've had so many people ask me if I have a baby at home, because it's 'normal' to rock with a baby on your hip. I'm in my 40s now and have commenced the unmasking process. I've graduated from just rocking to actual dancing (albeit a swaying and shoulder grooving type of dance, rather than actual foot work)
@@marissabishop1833apparently I do this almost every time I eat, shoulders, neck, head, and all...I've never been aware of this 😅 thanks to my partner for pointing this out
I rock back and forth / side to side as well and rarely notice it unless someone points it out. I remember my brother made fun of me for it and it made me feel terrible
When I was 14 I described the “bucket of woe” concept to my therapist as “water in a jar” to explain why I needed to be left alone in my room for a while after school instead of being pestered every 5 seconds to do shit by my family.
She told me the things that would fill the bucket of woe were stupid things I needed to learn to just deal with and didn’t understand why I couldn’t get over it
Seriously thinking about talking to an autism professional nowadays
That’s terrible, I’m so sorry that happened.
Lol, that’s top-tier therapy advice. /s 😂 “Just don’t let it bother you.”
Yeah wow, I can only assume that's y they get paid the big bucks
Because when u get pestered the water gets all riled up?
for real, that advice is up there with "just try harder"@@gigahorse1475
Masking, for me, is just realizing that whenever I’m interacting with people, I’m acutely aware, and very tightly controlling, of how I express myself. Do I smile as I say that? Gotta keep the timing right on that chuckle. In a way, it feels like I’m lying all the time by telling the truth too deliberately.
It’s like being the writer, director, actor, and choreographer to mount a single production of “getting groceries without being noticed by NT” 🤣🤦🏻♂️
I was recently thinking about the phrase "the straw that broke the camel's back." I always feel like I have a smaller camel. And sometimes my camel is recovering from an injury and can carry even less stuff.
A smaller camel - that's a great way to explain it! And cute too 🐫
I feel the same, and I've been figuring out lately that part of the reason meltdowns and shutdowns take me by surprise is that I'm used to trying to ignore and push through the buildup of stress that precedes them. Meg's channel has had a lot to do with my recognizing the microbursts of anxiety that happen to me all the time. I think you're also right about the smaller camel: one of the best things I got from Robert Sapolsky lectures was the concept of heritable predisposition: a predisposition to stress literally means a given occurrence will have a much larger impact on that person than someone without that predisposition. That's me! Easy to get this predisposition through prenatal exposure to high levels of stress hormones, if a person's mother is prone to anxiety...which mine was.
My camel has a bad back. 😂
liking the video before she asks and my PDA forbids me from doing it
Is it pathological or rational? I only tend to reject that request on videos if they ask me to like and subscribe before they've actually shared any content or information and it just irritates me so much. If somebody asks for it while i'm super enthused about the content I tend to like it. Is it similar for you in any way?
I do get bothered by it ... but, I also tend to only watch videos that I already have a strong idea that I will like ... So, I just like the video before it starts and disregard all that dread.
@@kevinbissinger In this case it was *mostly* a joke, though I have a tendency to not like or subscribe when suggested to do so. I can rationalise it, like I can rationalise any demand (only way to be able to actually do my job at work), but the gut reaction is "No, I won't"+indistinct anxiety about it+feeling attacked
So relatable!
You're so real for that haha! I've also thought about that being a possible explanation for why I feel so resistant to subscribe to channels I watch regularly because they keep asking lol
My boss from 10 years ago wrote that I'm "easily overwhelmed" on my eval, and it destroyed my self-confidence for YEARS. Hearing the bucket of woe segment is what I've been needing
It would destroy me too. I’m way too literal & sensitive. One time I misunderstood feedback & took it so personally that I self-sabotaged everything.
My college advisor told me I passed his class “by the skin on my teeth”. This haunted me for YEARS. I recently found my old transcripts and saw a note from him expressing his pride in my decision to show up for myself even when the odds were against me.
Ummm….Sir, that’s not how I remember it at all.
I failed too many projects to pass the class regardless of how well I did on the final. I debated not going, but I showed up because he was my advisor (and I was low key scared of him).
I thought he was shaming me for getting a 75% (aka a C…the lowest passing grade). I had never scored that low ever before so I thought it was a bad thing.
It colored my entire perception of my abilities & potential. Ithought I sucked at art so badly that I dropped out the next semester.
It only took me 20 years to realize that he wasn’t shaming me, he was congratulating me.
I have felt for years that I just get overwhelmed too easily and I don’t like it about myself. I always feel like I’m trying really hard but I just can’t handle the same workload or “process” as fast as other people. The bucket of woe is so useful for explaining the feeling.
Oh yes. Bosses always told me "you dont have to cry every time we bring you into the office." And I'm like "yeah I know but I can't control it. You think I like the embarrassment that comes with crying every time I try and talk about basic adult stuff? No not really."
The worst part about masking for me is that i feel like im doing a good job and living up to societal expectations, but im very focused on doing the right thing and often the people around me are very lax about rules and things, so when i think im fitting in and doing the right thing i just end up coming off as pretentious.
I hope that made sence, explaining stuff in my head is hard
Me exactly :(
this was a very useful comment for me. This helps me understand the way other people perceive me too. Thank you very much
@@victoriab8186 glad I could help. It's something that only occurred to me recently
I feel you there. I got in trouble at work for being a rule stickler. I feel like I'm from another planet. Getting in trouble for following rules!!! And NTs wonder why we're constantly confused.
@@AshleyWilliams-xq7lj seriously?
"I can feel more productive watching a film with my husband because then I'm like 'we spent time together, that was useful'" omg I feel seen and called out at the same time 😂
It's weird because when I try to consider other people's buckets of woe, I often get told that I'm being naive or stupid!
Like if I have a rough interaction with a customer at work, I'll usually say "oh well, who knows what other stressors they're going through. this one final thing probably made them blow up at me", but then people tell me "no silly, you're too sensitive, they were just a jerk"... which could be true. But sometimes I feel like I'm the only person constantly thinking of other people's buckets. It's kind of tiring sometimes
yea, to me it seems like most people arent able to consider multiple perspectives of something or put themselves into other peoples heads whereas im here constantly considering everyones reasons for everything and all that. yet they say that autistic people aren't supposed to be good at empathy but a lot of us experience it more intensely. its also tiring because if someone does something wrong to me, i consider all the reasons they couldve done that, instead of getting to just immediately crack it down to being a jerk, when oftentimes that really is the case
I relate too hard to this! I really should stop questioning whether I have autism…
I feel this. It's painful and wearing...
Don't let other people destroy your good nature. That being said, you should still protect yourself from jerky attitudes even when thinking that the person is not inherently a jerk. Hope that helps
for real - when my husband and I are driving, he's got a running narrative of other drivers being assholes, and I'm like "that guy could have an awful boss and be running late for work' or "his wife might be in labour!" or "he just got a bad medical diagnosis.." People aren't always able to do the right thing at the right time, none of us are perfect. I've done some dumb stuff when things haven't been going well for me. He never changes how he thinks though. My parents are the same. It's exhausting being around them
The "Bucket of Woe" is one of my favorite TikToks of all time.
I dropped out of college 3 times and have felt like a slacker and a failure for most of my life. When I got my diagnosis I started to understand that I am not a slacker or a failure, I'm just different and have a harder time than allistic people. When I saw that TikTok I realized that my bucket had been full for years and I've only started to come out of a prolonged burnout since I got my diagnosis.
The online autistic community is saving lives. 💜
Agreed, the autism community online is really amazing. I feel like I belong
I only recently realised that I used to flap my hands a lot when I was a kid but my dad would always snap at me for it, so much so that I eventually stopped doing it entirely. It's like I've got a permanent case of quiet hands and that sucks so much because the handflapping was usually a sign of joy.
I'm so sorry ☹️ It's awful to feel like you have to mask in your own home.
That stinks! But you're still you, and if it comes back, great, if not, may you greet the joy in some even better other way!
My favorite example of happy hands helped me unplug a similar situation for myself... Wallace (and Gromit)!
I have a core memory of my mom telling me ‘stop flapping your hands. People will think you have Aspergers!’
I do not have a diagnosis but I have always flapped my hands and rocked and even spun. I’d forced myself to stop until I went to college and suppressing those things in addition to all the incredible stress did not go well and I have started flapping my hands more often and some of my other stims have made a come back in a way that is noticeable to me. Although, after talking to my friends about it I haven’t ever suppressed them as well as I thought I did around my friends.
I had the same thing done to me by my dad but with t-rex arms ^^' He'd always say that this is childish behavior and I'm too big to act this way and "pretend to be an animal"
Same...
so much of me was therapy'd out of me with the express intent of avoiding me getting bullied because of my facial deformities and it repressed so much about me that I'm only just now figuring out what my stims actually are in my 40's. i'm quite sad and pathetic tbh
You're not sad and pathetic at all!! 💛 You're doing the best you can considering everything you've been through. Sending love 💛
That's not sad & pathetic, and you're not alone. After all these years I'm finally discovering who I actually am around 40 as well
You very much are not sad and pathetic. It’s an awful feeling to realize how much of oneself got stuffed down and blocked as a survival mechanism. You’re allowed to be sad and even angry about that. I think turning it on oneself is also a survival mechanism, but it’s ok to not blame yourself for something that is not your fault, KWIM? It’s enough work to find yourself again without taking on the burden of being mean to yourself about it. ❤️
Hugs ❤
Darling you aren't sad and pathetic; what's sad and pathetic were the adults in your life who should have PROTECTED and ACCEPTED you, rather than forcing you to "act normal" so they didn't have to deal with you getting bullied.
You are welcomed here
My mom and I realize now we both have autism. But we've always been each other's sounding board for meltdowns. And we realized before we knew they were autistic meltdowns that the issue was never one big thing. It was always an accumulation of many small things. The bucket analogy is perfect!
2:00 the term you're looking for is shame. You've been made to be ashamed of it. Just like most of us were taught to be ashamed of our naked bodies.
Speaking of stimming, managed to convince my friends tonight to go out to this local bar I'd been wanting to check out. Tonight they happened to have a band playing some jazz/soul music live, and I was bopping along at the back of of the room with my drink extremely aware of how still my friends were being as we listened (how can you not bop along to good music?). And then at one point the band encouraged folks to get up and dance, and a bunch of them did. I asked my friends if they were interested but they weren't, so I went up myself to dance. I love dancing, to live music especially, as it's like a full body stim session! Like it's loud but in a good way because the sound is coming from real instruments (not a recording) and filling every molecule of your being with an energy that must be released via movement (dancing), almost like the music is a river pushing you around but like in a really cathartic way when you let it do it. And especially when there's other folks all doing the same thing so it feels like part of a community (and don't have to "mask" by trying to keep still), and I imagine the band enjoys seeing people so visibly enjoying their music too! And it was nice to be in a crowd of strangers, belting out "I'm every woman" with a random man in a cool hat in the small crowd. I flippin' love those sorts of things! I just wish my friends weren't too self conscious to join in so I could go to these things more often (don't particularly want to go out to places alone at night as a woman for safety reasons)
I'd love the freedom to be about to rock out like that. I'm usually way too self-conscious to relax enough, unless on a rare time I'm really intoxicated. Good for you!
Sounds like you had an amazing night! Do you find jazz especially good for stimming? Personally love the way you can physically and mentally drift off to it... 😊💃
I love how you describe dance, i feel the same way!
@@That_Awkward_Mum I mainly like it because of the attitudes of a bar playing live jazz versus more modern genres. Tends to attract a slightly older audience, or at the very least an audience who doesn't care as much about looking "cool", and therefore folks I find are more likely to relax and just dance.
Also, jazz is a particularly playful genre of music, all about improv and trying new things. Brings an extra level of fun to it all!
I've recently started going with a group of friends to a monthly emo club night. It verges on the edge of overwhelming, and I would not be able to go without knowing I have really good friends as a safety mechanism, but it has been really helpful for me in that I love the vibrations, and the predictable beat enables and encourages me to gradually stim more, with the edge of overstimulation actually being really useful to get me to stop masking, as generally I have too much shame/anxiety associated with stimming visibly to be able to stim in more than very small ways. But club night, eyes closed, watching the pretty coloured lights playing on my eyelids, hands flapping and legs tapping, yes I probably look a bit weird to the people there, but 1) they are mostly drunk and won't remember and 2) they are so much less likely to notice or think it is 'wrong' because rather non-dancingy movements are sort of to be expected in the emo scene
You've helped me so much! I went to get checked for autism and I was right! Thanks you helped a lot and this'll probably help my parents see me better when family gatherings happen
I'm sooo happy to hear that 💛 Congratulations on your diagnosis!
I always thought that I was maybe just a failure at masking because despite doing so for my entire life, people STILL treated me differently and called me weird, etc., so I'm glad to know that it's not just me.
I didn't know I'm autistic until a couple of years ago.
I am currently unemployed and looking for work and it is really comforting to see this video. I had an interview a month ago with my ex-employer and they did not believe at all that I could cope with the job. They never said, but it turned out they were judging me on the mental health leave I took earlier in the year. It was really frustrated as I had taken the question at face value and thought they were talking about the job I was there for an interview for. If I had realised they meant my mental health leave then I would have called them out for discrimination.
It's not discrimination. They are perfectly within thier rights to inquire if your mental health has improved, and ask if you are capable of handling the position with reasonable accommodations. They can even require that you have an offical medical "return to work" relase from the doctor who was treating you. In fact not only does the previous employer have the right to require this medical release, every potential employer does. Just about every workman's comp insurance carrier requires an employer to obtain this medical release. So it's not just a right of the employer, but a duty. Otherwi 18:10 se, if you end up going out for the same reason, or filing a workman's comp claim, the insurance carrier will not cover the claim. The employer will be on the hook for the cost of the entire claim. So yes, you have to prove you are capable of handling the position. Including being able to handle the stress.
@williamallen7836 the part I don't understand is why didnt they ask for a work release from the doctor instead of just saying they didn't think the OP could cope, I cant judge the full story based on 1 comment tho if they made that decision based on the evidence and didn't want to discriminate they should have asked for the release
@williamallen7836 The problem I had in the interview was that they weren't clear about what they didn't think I could cope with. Every time they discussed the job they spoke about having to deal with difficult customers, and I would give examples of how I dealt with difficult customers in the past fine. Hence, I was struggling to understand why they kept asking the same question several times.
If they were concerned about my mental health, then I would have been happy to answer their questions. I had always made it clear previously when I had talked to these people that I was stressed because I was on an apprenticeship wage, which is below minimum wage, and I was struggling to live on it. I think I did even mention it in the interview that it would greatly reduce my current stress levels due to having a better pay, feeling more valued, having a secure job after my contract, and reducing my chances of having to go live with my mum.
Also, I don't know if it matters, but I live in the UK. I have never heard of a company demanding a mental health release from someone they are hiring before.
I only found after that they were wanting to understand the state of my mental health better due to my manager. The way they talked to me in the interview, though, it felt like they had their minds made up that they weren't going to hire me.
Also apologises I answered this so late.
Ah, the automatic mask. I've been completely unsuccessful explaining to people that an automatic mask and automatic conscious processing of facial expressions/intonation/etc is _not_ the same as the instinctive processing that NTs have. Anybody got any ideas?
They might not be able to understand something they haven't experienced, but it might be worth noting that masking comes from a place of trauma, assimilation, and or other pain... each little subconscious addition is built up over years as the autist realizes that certain things about them are not desirable, will get them in trouble, or land them with less respect or recognition.
Using eye contact as an example, when someone forces eye contact that they wouldn't naturally, it comes from experiences being 'corrected' by authority figures or noticing that people don't treat you the same if you don't make the right version of eye contact. While a neurotypical person doesn't think about what they are looking at during a conversation most of the time, an autistic person is probably replaying intentionally learned (or forcibly taught) social rules in their head and/or carefully watching everyone while analyzing each little moment in the social interaction to figure out exactly what's going on. Hypervigilance is NOT something most neurotypical folks do AT ALL in most situations, whether they are NT auto piloting or not. It takes up so much extra energy!
If you were told that you didn't smile big enough, that your vocabulary was too odd, that your special interests made you childish, or any other real trait about yourself like stimming, walking patterns, or speaking patrerns that got you bullied, alienated, ignored, or even just that sense of loneliness from when nobody likes you as much as they like each other, and that made you subconsciously change your behavior, appearance, etc, especially if it hurts you but made you more 'palatable' or 'professional' or 'adult' or whatever else (or you expected it would or were told it would even if it still felt like you were an alien or you still experienced bad treatment even when masked) then that was masking.
When a neurotypical 'puts on different personas for different situations' its very different. For one thing, if it's an extreme or energy consuming change, it is usually conscious ("time for customer service me!") and limited ("ok, I'm at home and am not responding to customer calls, so I can relax now!"). But most neurotypical 'masks' (unless you're living a double life or hiding a big secret for whatever reason) are more like just putting one part of yourself in the front. It's not usually done on purpose, but it's not done out of shame and it doesn't hurt you. The version of Bob who talks about video games with his buddy at the cafeteria, the one who smartly answers questions in class, the one who puts on a sweatshirt and helps make dinner at home while making casual relaxed conversation with his little sister or grandpa are all the same 'Bob' and none of them are valued less or more. He doesn't have a need to hide any of them and isn't actively stuffing parts of himself in a box. When he does have to do so, it's usually in a temporary scenario which most people would agree is stressful like a job interview or being introduced to your significant other's parents for the first time. And he doesn't have to mask at home, he feels 'safe' and isn't being hypervigilant in any of the masks. He hasn't been told he needs to be fixed or that he is less valued because of the other personas, either directly, indirectly, or via lived experiences.. he just is them all. And it certainly isn't going to take 80% of his energy to maintain or require rest periods if he wants to avoid burnout.
That's how I see it anyway. Hopefully one of these might help you distill your own thoughts or help others understand. If they don't it isn't your fault. You have to willing to recieve a perspective to get anywhere close to understanding what a person's experiences are really like, and even then that isn't the same as living it yourself.
Edit from the next day; The reply from skyrunner didn't show for me when I first replied. I only replied because I didn't see any replies and thought something would be better than nothing. The bold text is just highlighting what I think was the best bit of this train of thought, I was actively thinking through as I typed, typing most of what crossed my mind, hence the back and forth and general mess below. :)
(everything typed originally starting after this);
I've not put a lot of thought into this but initial thoughts on reading this is having a whole bunch of separate computer programmes that take in all of the information but then each deal with only a tiny piece of it, then the output is transfered to another/the next programme to deal with the next bit, or just scan it for a certain tiny bit that might not even be there, then spit it out for the next, and so on, compared to a single programme that pre-filters all the information to then just take in the relevant information and spits out the solution in a single step. The first process works, can even come to the same conclusion/present the same, but it's a lot more intensive on the hardware, processing the same raw file dozens of times in a sequence vs processing a compressed version of the raw file in one step. The second is much faster, but assumes there are plenty of common elements that can just be dismissed, where the first won't be caught out by the outliers from 'the norm'.
Returning to add a note; The processing programmes would be developed over time, learning what everything means for forming a database to refer to, but it's not the same as having a complete database before programming. New programmes need written as new information is found, hence the long chain of energy intensive programmes looking for small details in all the information, where the NT has the database first, so only needs to write one programme to do it all.
So I guess *ND is creating programmes to fill in the database, then running a complicated chain of said programmes to perform social stuff, NTs are programmed to a preexisting database, so are optimised for performing all the social stuff and also not likely to have false positives thrown up by a programme in a chain recognising something in isolation to the overall, never experienced before context.*
-Maybe an office idea could work too. One office block receives documents and runs them through multiple departments to assess what sort of document it is, how it needs to be handled, etc, with each department scanning the whole document for their key information, but these departments don't share information perfectly with other departments, hence each one needing to scan it for themselves. A NT office block shortcuts to the specific departments based of a small amount of detail on the envelope, where there's an assumed format that the documents are going there take. Once there, the simplicity of the assumed format means the documents can be scanned as part of a rapid automated process, and this highlights only the relevant information.-
-So a document for renewing a driver's licence will have name, age, driving information, etc on it, and the address might be in a certain corner, with other information in a predictable order. Various bits won't need varifying, they just need adding to the new licence, etc. Other departments might handle loans, mortgages, insurance, etc. The NT office expects the customer sending the document to know which department they need to address it to, what information needs included and what doesn't and how it should be presented. They might even operate on a single format of information sheet for all purposes, just in different colours for each subject, but then the department's own automated scanning filters it based on what the client tells them.-
-The ND office simply asks for all the information that client has and assumes they don't have a clue about what department they actually want, and it passes their application around all the departments, varifying all the information until they find the element they need updating, etc, so their information would do the rounds until the driver's licence department sees that their old licence is a week away from expiring, then sets the steps in motion to fix that, but sends the document on in case they wanted to move house or something at the same time, based off their job, search history, etc, trying to actively predict their next move instead of relying on it to be deduced from automated software and the right department being on the envelope. This would place them at risk of exposing something the client didn't want known, like that they were thinking of quitting their job in a month's time and pre-filling out a form for them to do so, notifying their boss a fortnight before they were wishing to.- (scored out instead of deleted in case you want to read it and maybe make something from it).
Maybe that's not the most accurate because the elements of the ND office taking all information more literally and the NT accepting some stuff to be a front isn't there. Maybe this would be a strange universe where people talk, search the internet, etc in metaphors, or similar. The NT office reads between the lines, but the ND takes stuff literally, and gets caught out at times, able to learn stuff over time but occasionally slipping into a literal meaning now and again, an extreme example being someone talking about how much of a pain the driving test was on a social media account, then the ND office booking them an appointment with a doctor for back pain or something. That's not about the ND brain taking things literally generally, it's more an attempt at an example of a bias towards communicating what is actually meant in a conversation/interaction, not smiling when actually sad, etc. I've probably drifted a lot from the initial topic now, but I've typed too much to want to delete it. :)
@@dust.runnerso well explained, thank you! I feel like the neurotypical would have to be especially dense or extraordinarily resistant to not get the difference between autistic masking and neurotypicals choosing to wear which hat for the current task or venue, as you've described so well.
I think a good metaphor would be learning to drive.
So, when you first learn how to drive, you have to consciously think about every tiny action you have to do. "oh, the engine is rumbling, what does it mean? I guess I have to change gear. But to change gears I have to press the pedal to the left. How fast should I push it? I should check the back mirror, it's been a while since I last checked it."
This is exhausting, draining.
You can only do it for so long.
if you force yourself to do it longer, you will make some mistake that will get you hurt. That would be the meltdown part.
They do it for free, while we have to pay for it. It's conscious, so in spite of it being automatic, it costs mental energy.
When I was a kid, I hummed when I ate cereal, apparently every time, and had no idea until my brothers pointed it out by laughing at me. I just was really happy about my cereal. 😢
That’s adorable!😂❤
People can tell. No matter how hard you try, they know deep down, something is wrong with you. I’m 53 and never had friends. People would be nice and conversational with me for a few months but every time that happened, they would suddenly disappear. They’d start coming to the coffee shop at a different time, or a different shop, they ghosted me, etc. This played havoc with my self esteem over the years, I didn’t know what I was until 52. Growing up I would see weird acting people in shows and movies and they are the silly, lovable friend that everybody accommodates and drags along for the adventure. Growing up I thought this is how it is, but no one wants to tolerate a “weird” person, no matter how friendly they are. And them finding out only makes it worse. 😢
I agree, that they can Always Tell, even If they do not know what, but I disagree, that that means one has to BE lonely. I in No way want to invalidate your experience, but there are people WHO Like the way WE can BE feel of, WHO fund IT interesting and are willing to get to know and Love US. They are Not the Most Common, thats for sure, but ITS Not a compleatly hopeless endevor. Nothing IS really wrong with US, WE are Just different and some Up to many get an uncanny Valley Feeling from that. But ITS Not a garantied Turn of for all
I think my bucket of woe is currently the size of a thimble. Hopefully it'll grow in size now that I have a diagnosis, better understanding and mostly allowing myself to rest as well as stim without punishing myself for it.
Maybe it's because it's already so full that one coin pushes you over and you don't even realize how full it is cause it's normal for you
"why can't you just be more yourself?" As a late diagnosed PDA/ASD/ADHD (40), I don't even know who I am anymore.
It's hard to unmask when you don't know where the mask ends and the true self begins, after half my life trying desperately to bury that part of me to fit in. I guess I did too good of a job. But I'm trying, and it's freeing, but sometimes overwhelming as I try to find the parts of me I lost along the way.
I've never done hand flapping, but stimming is something I have to do. I cannot NOT do it, but there's such a need to hide it that what I do it, it can be destructive. I bite my lip and the skin on my fingers (because biting my nails wasn't allowed, lol), and gritting my teeth, singing, pacing, etc. The more I have to hide it, the more destructive it is. My teeth have not taken it well.
Same. I had a permanent fat bottom lip during high school because I was constantly sucking on it. I always looked like I had gotten punched in the mouth. 😂
I'm glad I wasn't visibly autistic. Because I never truly had to mask. I was normal enough to be considered weird. Btw I get what you're saying. When I walk around I feel like people cannot stop staring at me. And it's not the "she cute" kind of stare. But more of a wtf look. Maybe it's my posture or outfit. And it's so uncomfortable. Because I don't want attention brought upon me. And because I don't even know what's wrong with me. Do I walk funny? Am I stiff? Do I look funny? Is it my face? It's so uncomfortable.
yeah I get that. I always feel like people are staring. I'm a dressed weird? am i holding my arms wrong while walking? am I walking strange? did I stare off into space while my brain wandered for too long?
Oh my god, I relate so hard to the reflexive masking. I often tell myself that I’m never truly myself, except when I’m alone, and I have absolutely had it where I walked away from a conversation thinking to myself I am disgusted with myself. I was just mimicking the person I was with, and I don’t even believe these things.
Thank you❤. I am a person diagnosed with Asperger's (y'all can't get that, you get diagnosed with ASD instead😂) and... flapping hands was something that me and another classmate did when we were happy 😊 from drawing✏️ an image "successfully". But we did not call it stimming!
This was in Slovakia, so we called it "Potešenie" or when translated: "Pleasure". Odd. My classmate stopped flapping his hands some years later when 😭 a bull's Cruel-Reign has happened on 8th Class (Slovakia has 9 classes instead of "Elementary" and "Grade")
Thank you so much for sharing! So interesting to hear about how people refer to stimming in other languages 😁
I sort of had the opposite in school I find. I wanted to mask and be completely not talkative, "silly" or "too much" but I couldn't :( I remember going to school on the bus and telling myself "Today is finally the day I'll be normal." And when I would get a weird look from someone and it would just destroy me
Please talk more about parenting as a neurodivergent person.
I constantly feel like I’m not the father my daughter deserves and I would love some tips on 1) being more present and able to support my family and 2) not being so hard on myself. Because I feel like I’m probably doing okay because my daughter is happy and I’m constantly told how well behaved she is….so…yeah.
Advice appreciated.
I feel you here. Because we’ve been conditioned to believe we are faulty socially and perhaps relationally, we naturally fear our children are missing out on some vital part of the human experience by having us as parents. That because we are so painfully aware of how hard we’ve had to try to be and appear ‘human’, our children will someday recognize us as the charlatans we have always felt we are. I have five teens in a blended family, and I have accepted their appreciation for my quirky parenting style. I remember each story told, and though exhausting, I do my best to speak their love languages and give them my undivided attention. I find children appreciate learning random facts more willingly than adults, and when I go off on a tangent about tornadoes or sharks, they take it in stride, and even learn! 😂 I am a teacher myself, and have harnessed my differences into somewhat of a superpower. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop the inner turmoil exactly, but it helps me get through.
That being said, I cannot be all things for everyone at all times. I go to my room, shut the door, and sit with myself in an attempt to process and sort my thoughts and experiences. If I don’t do this, I meltdown, and with kids, I try and limit those for sure. When I need to be alone, I let my family know, and they give me space.
It sounds like you are raising a wonderful human. Even if you were ‘neurotypical’, you wouldn’t be perfect, and you would second guess yourself. Find out and make peace with what parenting looks like for you, and no one else. As long as your kid is thriving, then you’ve won, or so I tell myself lol
I feel like explaining to my kids my need for 5 mins of space/silence, or getting overstimulated has helped so much!
i’ve been telling doctors i don’t understand people & am oddly exhausted 24/7 since i was 12. at 16 when i heard abt masking, that’s when i realized i’m def autistic & nobody listened to me. ive barely been alive knowing this abt myself, but my life has never been so clear? i used to be CONSTANTLY trying to solve through therapy & such why acquaintances think i hate them, why i come off as “awkward”, why the world is so loud, & why don’t understand any of it. now i get it. idk felt like sharing hope others can relate
When I was in college I would go out of town to parties with my friends. I was ALWAYS the first person to go to sleep. My friends started calling me grandma. Looking back, I now realize I was exhausted from trying to appear to be normal.
"abt" is not a word.
@@Rayvn7 it’s an abbreviation for “about” :) incase you weren’t aware, this is a youtube comment aka the internet & abbreviations are frequently used since speed is more important than correct spelling in a casual setting!
I basically relearned stimming through somatic coaching for trauma. My somatic coach encouraged me to stim in whatever ways felt natural (without calling it stimming), so I started doing that more in order to self-regulate, because I was normally quite dysregulated. After realizing I was autistic, I figured out that stimming was what that somatic work amounted to. (There was more to the somatic coaching than just stimming, but it was definitely a big part of it.) Now I'm basically stimming constantly throughout the day. Bought a bunch of fidget toys, and it's helping.
I sometimes walk uncoordinated when too stress eg the gait doesn't seem natural, scuffing feet and holding things awkwardly, Then, i notice it and it gets worse
Ive know now my social anxious would not let me into bars even being totally sober.
I completely relate to feeling like you forget how to move normally when in uncomfortable social situations! It's the worst 😭
Sometimes even when I don't realize I'm nearing meltdown if NTs are poking at me and making it worse because they don't want to get it and are trying to enforce dominance I will be trying to enforce a boundary to stop it and the NTs just double fill my bucket by refusing to respect my safety. I've described meltdowns as being kicked off fight or flight cliff and needing to pull yourself back up with half your bones broken, everything on fire, and everyone else is standing around with gas cans and lighters throwing rocks at you and saying it's all you're fault and you're dramatic and why are you mad at them. it can take weeks to recover.
It should be noted that for me personally the final straw tends to be other peoples disregard of my needs, I've lived with myself long enough I can mostly treat the anxiety and avoid enough else to protect myself. Problem is add one NT to that who can't be bothered to listen to boundaries, so nearly any NT, and I'm pretty much imploding because NTs can't even let people end conversations. People scare me.
You might not read this, because you posted one month ago. Still felt compelled by mentioning the age of seven and how it’s a common age for… difficulties.
I was diagnosed with ADD (1994 in the USA) almost immediately after entering school and was placed in Special Ed. I was very obviously out of place/different from the getgo. What’s kinda funny is that I was also put in “gifted and talented” classes, a couple years later. Nothing changed in my intellect… which just goes to show how a lot of us are both left feeling like freaks/others, while also heaping tons of pressure on ourselves because “you’re so smart, just try harder”.
I have very vivid recollections of first wanting to kill myself, legit suicidal depression, at seven years old. I realized, later, that this is not usual. At the time, I just stuffed it.
So much of childhood was just… hiding 😢.
I’m not 100% sure of the relevance to all this. I just wanted to say something, because you’ve mentioned having these issues at seven and I relate SO hard.
Thank you so much for your channel ❤
Talking about stims, now that I know what they are, I love seeing people stim in public!!! Especially children because there is just such joy in their aura! I would never stop a stim unless it became harmful for the person or those around them. I’m so tired of people judging others for not being “normal” in public. As long as no one is getting hurt WHO CARES?!
I’m a personal trainer and the other day I had to run one of the free appointments members get so I can help them with their goals and show them how personal training can help them. These take a lot out of me. The guy didn’t buy training, which is totally fine and when he walked away I was able to relax. That’s when my coworker saw me and said “Ok, you can put your RBF [resting bitch face] back on now.” He saw my mask slip off and it was embarrassing and infuriating. If I wasn’t so reserved I wanted to scream “Oh, you mean my autistic MASK?!” But then I would have been mortified and feel like I was trying to get attention.
Sorry to hear that, your coworker sounds like a bit of a C.U. Next Tuesday. ☹️
Oh man, the Bucket of Woe analogy is perfect. I realize now that I probably had a meltdown the other day when I was cleaning the house for incoming visitors (my sister and her family), and telling my mom about how I was sick and tired of re-washing a wire rack, and she screeched, "Enough! Your life is NOT that hard!" Totally invalidated my overwhelm.
That kind of response is super triggering to me when I'm overwhelmed too. Cleaning for visitors is the worst!
Your experience resonates way too much with me. You were raised by someone who would suddenly and without warning SNAP at you. It's normal for you to be on edge, because you grew up having to tiptoe around your mom's because she couldn't regulate her emotions. And while her emotions were so valid and important, yours didn't matter (to the people who claim to love you).
Moving away and EMDR both helped me.
@@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767 This isn't an all-the-time thing, FYI. My mother is a lovely person and I don't appreciate her being accused of emotional abuse by a stranger on the internet. (ETA: I'm sorry that your upbringing was troubled, but please don't assume that everyone else went through the same things you did.)
I can really relate to the bucket of woe metaphor. I have what I call "collapse days" that seem to happen about once a week. It's a day when I just can't seem to do anything at all. The sooner I realize it's a collapse day, the better, because then I stop TRYING to do things, and stop stressing about it, and just lean into it. I want to try to find a way to schedule these rather than them just happening, but I haven't managed it yet. The only good thing is that the day after a collapse day, I'm more productive than usual. In the language of the metaphor, the collapse day must empty out my bucket of woe.
I take ADHD meds, and my only diagnosis is ADHD, and when I dont take them its HELL! I'm so glad I got diagnosed at 10 with ADHD, and i'm so glad my parents support me!
I feel like I got shamed out of my stim at around 6. I was a big thumb sucker, like more than your average toddler. And I remember someone asking, "aren't you a bit old to be sucking your thumb?" And that stopped it dead. That does seem like the age where others start to police your actions more
I'm 25, and I still do it 😅 Definitely not in public, but when I'm at home, it happens multiple times every day, especially when I have to concentrate... I have a big blister on my thumb because of it, and it's a bit embarassing 😅
At my last job they made me feel so crap about my autism that masking was the only way I could cope. When something got to overwhelming I pretended to go to the toilet and would go to the room next door to the toilets and cry. I once had a colleague walk in on me and they just apologised and left me.
There have been a couple times where I just ended up crying at my desk if it was a particularly hard day. I had just had an assessment to get some counselling through work and the woman on the other side of the phone said I sounded too happy to have depression. The same colleague as before walked in, immediately walked out, and another colleague came in telling me I needed to do a task, completely disregarding the state I was in. It was kind of comical and made me realise no one wanted me there in that job.
I take meds because being autistic in a world were we are demonized and made to feel like bad people for the way we were born gave me cptsd, chronic depression, and agoraphobia.
Did you know antidepressants are made using the neurotoxin, fluoride.
99% of Autistic people have the MTHFR gene deviation. You may want to research this and how it affects you.
@@judylandry302 I will look that up since I haven't found a medication yet that helps my depression. And it may provide me with valuable information. Thank you!
@@laerrus To live a quality life, you have to have a really good healthy diet. You must get rid of sugar and processed foods. Get a countertop distilling unit and drink and cook with distilled water. Use Himalayan pink salt. Make sure you are getting at least 4700 mg of potassium.
Take a high quality Meythl form of B12 and Folate.
Plus add Sun and exercise. 🌞
You may always have some depression, it's being aware of that and know that depression is a signal, that it's time for some self love.
The pharmaceuticals used to treat the symptoms (of a poor diet) just make it worse. Dr's. will prescribe more and more pills to treat the side effects of the poison in the drugs that they prescribed to you.
Pharmaceuticals are synthetic bioengineered petroleum based chemicals.
"Let food be thy medicine".
95% of chronic health conditions are due to poor diet.
The MTHFR gene mutation, is caused by Fluoride. Fluoride is stored in your bones.
Water is treated using hexafluorosilic acid, (Fluoride) a waste byproduct of aluminum manufacturing and phosphate fertilizer. Everything contains this hexafluorosilic acid treated water.
I'm in my 60's. The health consequences of being Autistic are real. Most Dr's don't understand you. It's up to you to take care of yourself. Dr's are useful for broken bones and car wrecks.
People will always treat you poorly, you are not of their tribe. You are in ours.
Same
@@judylandry302the only sourcing I can find for that “99%”number is a blog forum “journalist” from 2014 with zero original sources. That specific gene mutation/variation has nothing to do with the bodies ability to process fluoride. Also the “flouride” in antidepressants, is not even necessarily in a chemical form which our bodies absorb.
when i mask, it makes me feel like im not good enough to be myself
Yes, I think it's super damaging to our self-esteem 😔💛
I like to think that it's the world that's not good enough for us.
My obvious stims have mostly been Tourette’s-like bursts for as long as I can remember: for example, I hand flap mostly when I get really frustrated. I was discussing options for anxiety reduction with my therapist, and most classic options I’d failed at, and I had this “duh” moment. So I’ve been trying to learn to stim proactively, and it was helping some. I was at an outdoor party a while back; I don’t socialize these days, and I was very uncomfortable. It got loud, and as with the previous year, I went and found a quiet space, which helped. Then I tried hand flapping. It felt good, and later on when I headed back, I would socialize a little, withdraw and stim. I tried to be discreet.
While I was off to the side, a woman from the party came by. I explained about my difficulty processing lots of voices. She empathized. Later I saw her passing when I was stimming, and she glanced that way and smiled. I had already concluded that someone else at the party was on the spectrum, and had a short, successful conversation with him. I was feeling uncharacteristically optimistic, and had the feeling that she was on the spectrum too, and imagined that she recognized my stimming.
After the party, my wife said that the woman had approached her, observes that I obviously had a neurological condition, and would be happy to suggest herbs and, well, exercises to help.
This kind of deflated me, and definitely set back my stimming practice. It felt a bit like an autistic rite of passage, one of a couple new experiences I had that are common to other autistic people. So I get your discomfort. My overall feeling is that I’m not showing this side of me in public again.
As I've been learning more about autism, I'm convinced it runs in my family. I'm fairly sure my dad was undiagnosed, I'm fairly certain I'm undiagnosed and my daughter was diagnosed around 7, about 30 years ago. Also we have cousins on that side of the family with autism. My daughter though, she does not care what society thinks about anything. Period. She thinks it's stupid and she is herself everywhere she goes. It's amazing and scary and incredible. I love this child so much. I wish I had her confidence and lack of concern, but I didn't push her either. She knows how to behave fairly acceptably in public, we have code words for when she's getting overwhelmed, so we can avoid a meltdown, hopefully.
My mom pushed me, I learned to mask early. My mom was a kindergarten teacher and expected me to behave like other kids. I'm bright, I learned quickly and got really good at masking. I annoy my daughter sometimes when I get anxious or excited and can't mask, just can't. I run around like an idiot singing/humming.
I need to look up what burnout is, I've been avoiding it. I'm wondering if it would explain the... episode I had a while back.
From your thoughts at 4:54, my family (partner and sister) have a communication thing where we talk about who's going to "be the big kid" or who's going to "take care." All three of us are autistic and chronically ill and sometimes there are things that MUST be done like feeding ourselves or our pets and none of us are really feeling up for it, so we take turns "taking care" based on who's able to manufacture some spoons in that moment to get stuff done. We try to share the load as well, when we can, but sometimes it really is just one of us bucking up and pushing everything down to take care of the rest of us. It's hard and whoever does it will often then need additional support after the fact because they had to basically injure themselves to take care of everyone. It's a necessary part of our living situation right now, even though it really isn't ideal.
When you mentioned how it feels like watching someone nude stimming I felt that; my mom treated me stimming as if I was streaking down in public or sending nudes of myself as a child to strangers on the internet. That sort of level of “illegal” should never EVER be pressured on a child.
She would say things like “if you do that you’ll get arrested when you grow up” it terrified me, it didn’t help that she constantly took me to behavioral hospitals and asylums that would just continuously drug me to the point where they even recommended lithium doses to a 9-10yr old. The least my mother ever did for me was not accept that dose. She still doesn’t see any wrong with the torture I went through in Autism Speaks, Behavior and Mental Hospitals, and the Ableism from her. She thinks Autism is like brain damage and can be “rewired” to work right again and I should be glad that I don’t act like how I used to act like.
I live in my own home with my brother and we both stim freely without fear or judgement anymore. It’s our home not my mothers home.
Maybe it will help you relax and play games to remind yourself that it counts as self-care or stimming instead of "wasting time". When I became chronically ill one of the most useful lessons that I ever internalized is that rest and recovery is not "doing nothing" - these are vital things that we need to do in order to be able to function.
Oh! At 18:16, that's Reptar on her jacket! He's kind of a Godzilla-like creature from The Rugrats! He makes a prominent appearance on several episodes, and he's amazing! I kind of want a jacket just like that now, except not quite so fluffy, because I live in Texas and it's never cold enough to bundle up that much.
I masked so hard growing up when I was at school. I didn't get bullied but always was terrified I would be. Every day I would get to my front door, pull out my key, and IMMEDIATELY NEED TO PEE. Not a single thought up until that moment and suddenly I was seconds from peeing my pants. Does masking cause us to be less connected to our physical selves, masking some of our physical needs like thirst, hunger, fatigue, pain, and toilet needs? If so it would make sense why masking is so hard to stop. Not only do we feel like we "fit in" but I live with a lot of chronic pain. If the masking helps hide that even from me it makes sense that it slips in every time my stress goes up even a little.
There's a great article by Devon Price on Substack called "Is it Alexithymia, or is it Dissociation Fueled by Trauma?", that I would really like to recommend to you. Devon writes about this disconnect from their own needs and feelings as stemming from anti-autism bias, masking *and* gender dysphoria because they're trans, so that's their experience. But it's easily applicable if don't have gender dysphoria and are "just" masking autism. They have some tips about how to re-connect with our needs and emotions, too.
as an artist, crochet is very stimmy for me. i love the repetitive motions you make with the hook. grabbing the yarn, pulling it through, grabbing the yarn, pulling it though. it’s so fun. and you get something cute afterward! 💜💜
11:40 this always reminds me of whenever there’s conversation about say, toxic masculinity and abuse women face, without fail there will be the “but men get abused too” comments. Like… yes, that is correct. But abuse against women is objectively so much more common. Nobody is saying allistic people don’t struggle, suffer, get overwhelmed, burnt out. But it’s on such a different level!
Yeah! And just like how things that prevent women being abused also help men and enbys, practices which make it safe for autistic people to be themselves, get accomodations, and generally have equity with everyone else also help neurotypicals.
Equity often helps everyone, not just the people who suffer without it. Even if it's literally just by helping more of society thrive, that by itself is beneficial to everyone, but usually it's more than just that
I totally get & understand what you are saying about how saying that autistic people struggle more, and that recognizing this does not diminish the struggle of normal people. But your points about toxic masculinity and DV are off point. It totaly detracts from trying to communicate the difficulty autistic persons have with coping with accumulated stressors.
First , there is no such thing as toxic masculinity. There ars jerks, and abusers & there are those who are not. Masculinity in and of it's self is neutral, and a descriptor. It is neither bad (toxic) or good. In fact men who embrace thier masculinity are the opposite of the qualities of what modern feminist describe as toxic masculinity.
When it comes to male victims of DV, you can not state it is more common for one gender or the other. Male victims of DV are vastly under reported due to societal shame, and a lack of intrest on the part of the authorities. Who will often times laugh at the male victim making the police report, blame the victim, and not file the criminal complaint. It has also become increasingly acceptable by society to ignore male victims of DV. Compounding the problem is, the fact female on male DV many times takes the form of emotional & financial violence. Which is far more difficult to "see" as there are no physical scars & bruises. As well as during a divorce the family court system is in the best cases complicit in perpetrating the emotional violence, in the worst case the family court is a knowingly active participant in the emotional violence. So unless you are psychic, it impossible to state it is more common for one gender over the other.
Victims of all genders are vastly underreported. The idea that abuse doesn’t specifically target any gender is not based on strong evidence or on any sound theory. It began from people trying to raise awareness that men can also be victims of abuse and women can also be abusers, which is 100% true. But denying that there isn’t an overall trend doesn’t actually help anyone. There is evidence from around the world, and across time indicating that in patriarchal cultures (which at this point in time is most) abuse is primarily inflicted by men (men and boys are also more likely to be abused by men) and primarily directed at women and girls.
Sorry misphrased a sentence. Denying the overall trend doesn’t help anyone, is what I meant to say
The other issue with what you’ve said is that it contradicts everything we know about how abuse functions and what drives it. Abuse is about power and control, which is why it most often follows the patterns of who holds power in a given society.
In the time of slavery, white people held a huge amount of societal power over others and so it followed that they were most likely to be abusive. We live in a patriarchal society, and most of the world does for a number of historical reasons, and so men are more likely to be abusers and women are more likely to be abused. Men aren’t inherently more likely to abuse, and women aren’t inherently more likely to be victims. But our society does have overall hierarchies and patterns of power that lead to this outcome
5:51 wow, I just had the epiphany that this might be the reason I consciously notice how sometimes I am so much more “happy”, upbeat, chatty, when talking to friends, I feel bad for how not like that I may be around just my spouse.
I love this!! I get it - the random staccato jumping around energy as you try to express this. I have only known that I AM AUTISTIC since 50, and I'm now 61.
I live in a wee village of 500+ with my two autistic adult sons and my four year old granddaughter. We try not to have two or more of us have a meltdown at the same time - try. On our small 50 x 150 ft property, 900 sq ft house, we have created zones where we can get away when we need to. That helps.
Right now we are on a 'shut down' as all of us have been triggered so often in the past month, including lack of sleep, too many things changing - from the seasons to our personal schedules - it became obvious that we needed to pull back and just make it through a few days trying to pay back the future spoons we have used up. I'm so tired.
Imagine no bad smells! No airplanes overhead, no noisy neighbors swearing, no deadlines, no drop in visitors, no one asking for help...
I had a neighbor who I have known for 30+ years stop by and chat with me today. I explained why I eas withdrawing from my various volunteer stuff and tying to focus on my health and family. She had no idea that I am autistic, or that my other family members are. We talked about how I've coped in the community, and places where I've tried and drastically failed to hide that I was 'odd'. Bless her, she said, " I think I may have a bit of autism too."
I refrained from wrapping my hands around her throat and shaking her to the ground. I didn't cry, I didn't walk away, I didn't fall to the ground in despair.
Because of YOU, and That Autistic Guy, and Woodshed gal and so many others who have stepped up and described their experiences, I was able to hold my centre and in a incredibly calm voice say with great confidence " It's not possible to be "a bit autistic". It's something that you are born with. It's like being a PC or a MAC. Both can read emails, both can go on social media, both can use Excel and Word. But they use a different operating system. Both are good at what they are good at, and have to sort of manage the bits that they aren't good at. The problem is, PCs and MACs are pretty much split at this point. On the other hand, Autistic people have to hide that they don't function the same as 'normal' 98% of the world. We are hiding in plain sight, and are criticized for letting it show that we are not normal. Turns out that I'm absolutely normal - for an Autistic Person."
She thrilled me by saying, "That makes so much sense. Thank you for explaining it to me so clearly. I get it. I've always admired you but I've also seen you trying so hard to fit in. You add so much to our community, being the unique person you are. Now I understand what a huge challenge that has been for you. I would love to know more about the challenges you and your family encounter with even day to day situations."
But she didn't. She actually said, "I've got to go because I have the whole clan coming over for dinner tonight. It was [name]'s birthday last week and we are finally getting together... [blah blah blah].
It was all I could do to say, " How nice! Enjoy your family time. It was nice to chat with you. Take care."
Perhaps she caught some of what I said about autism. Perhaps she will think about it, or relate something else to me and my family and our challenges. At 61, I'm more likely to believe she was making a list in her mind of what she needed to do when she got home, while I was daring to share a vulnerability.
I can't help but try. That's because of what I see you and others share and how much it means to me that you do. I'm better for it, and my family is better for it. Hopefully one day our autism will be acknowledged as a different perspective to add depth and light to a grey landscape. Meanwhile, I will flap my hands in glee when I get all of my tomato plants into the greenhouse before the frost comes!
I often don't notice how stressed I feel until I have a melt down. I am in my 50s. Truly embarrassing.
The roll-over aspect of the bucket of woe is something that I was never quite able to express with spoons. But I guess I never knew they could carry over, but that makes sense. I really like that analogy.
Its like. Think of water displacement. The volume of the container will displace only so much water until the weight makes things sink.
Ok, the thing about how you start with a full bucket of woe when you’re on your period explains perfectly how my day today went! I’m on my period and I thought I was more or less fine, but then one slightly stressful thing happened and I just broke down crying
@18:29 they’re dinosaurs on the cozy onesie - it’s *Reptar* (a t-Rex!) from Rugrats! 🦖 🦖 🦖
The two friends at the beginning are one of my favourite TikToks ever. Just the pure joy they both have with each other is actually goals
Your videos have been so validating. I wish I could organize and keep snippets to play as backup in situations where I’m being invalidated and it’s so easy for me to believe what the other person is saying and that I’m over-sensitive or weird or something’s wrong with me. It feels impossible to explain, especially in the moment. It’s even hard to bring myself to watch the videos of yours that I have saved for watch later, because of the overwhelming emotion that comes with feeling so seen in the context of this little box on my phone, but simultaneously still trapped in the invalidating world of my reality.
Welp I forgot what else I was gonna say, so.
Ooh, you’re explanation during the last one there hit me in the gut😂 I do work in a hospital registering patients and almost EVERY TIME after I leave a room, I go over the entire conversation and tell myself “why do you do that? That’s not how you act! You don’t sound like that! Just be yourself!” It’s awful😂
it is interesting to hear that Meg experiences stimming as taking herself out of her body. for me when i am rocking or dancing with my arms i feel like i am getting more integrated into my body somehow. i use it sometimes to try to get out of a catatonic state before it sets in fully. i love hearing about other autists personal experiences because it helps me gain perspective on myself and others. this channel is invaluable to me. thank you.
My experience is similar to yours, it is the opposite of trying to get out of my body. When I stim it is more of an effort to feel that my body exist, that I am in control of it, and that it obeys the laws of physics. I like rotational stims. Rotating my joints, especially my shoulder since you can get such a satisfying swing of the elbow with so little effort. Rocking back and forth like a weeble-wobble toy in a slightly circular motion is pretty great too. I wonder what the explanation is behind the differences in the way that we enjoy the behavior of stimming.
7:38 "how to make this concept understandable" Thank you for that. I'm not alone:) Other people are like me. I've told my wife many times " I know what's in my head. I just don't know how to communicate it to others"
I really enjoy your channel. All the pieces finally started to fall into place for me last year. I decided to get a professional assessment late last year from 2 psychologist specializing in this field. I was assessed with ASD (and a few other things associated with ASD) formerly known as Asperger's. For the first time in my life everything made sense. All the pieces finally fit together. And let's talk about "late diagnosis". I'll be 60 in a couple of weeks. What an amazing gift to finally know why I'm the way I am, the way I've always been. I love that meme you shared with the 2 astronauts in outer space facing the earth. "It's all Autism" "It always has been" :) Everything is so much better and so much easier now.
I love these videos and I relate to your life experiences so much it hurts sometimes! 😣❤❤❤
Thank you so much for being here 💛
14:30 it really struck me when you said this, i feel so much sometimes like there is something inherently wrong with me for struggling with school and working and balancing that but having people just tell me im ‘doing so well’ because they cant see the effect it is having on me ,, and then dont believe me about it because of how i appear.. its really tough. i need different things and more help than other people but i feel guilty expressing that because of what ive been told all my life,, i have struggled with school all my life but the people around me simply dont believe me because ive also done well all my life. they dont see how awful my mental health has been and the negative effects being under so much pressure that everyone is telling me i should be able to handle and everyone else is doing the same workload faster than me and i feel so behind and im not sure how to fix it when everyone keeps piling more and more and more onto me that i need to do until i feel like im just breaking down fundamentally. the shelf was a good representation of that i think. i dont know its hard being undiagnosed, but im pretty sure im autistic, it would just make a lot of things about my life and my childhood make so much more sense to me. i really appreciate your videos giving insight and advice. something else about masking is i find myself masking a lot less at work (i make food at a fast food restaurant) and it is not on purpose but it is my body regulating itself so i dont explode and my brain is too occupied with work to pay attention to what im doing since masking my behaviors has been so ingrained into me over time and i just think that is interesting. ive had a hard time relearning how to stim and be myself and its only in moments of extreme concentration or joy i feel like i can regain that ability i guess. sorry if this sounds dumb im still looking into it and everything and have been for years, im not trying to diagnose myself as a trend or anything, what ive learn just really resonates with me and strategies such as earplugs and stim toys and letting myself indulge in interests people have tried to tell me i need to grow out of have all been gamechangers and i feel so much more present in my life than in my childhood when i was pretty heavily out of it a lot of the time to avoid feeling anything until i got home. sorry if this is oversharing this has just been resonating a lot with me even though im not done the video yet.
How about the scary reality when you reach 30-ish and you don't even know what you're really like. I feel blank when I'm by myself a lot of the time. I feel like I implode in on myself and can't decide what I want, who I am... when burnt out at least. Then when I am back "in my zone" I can feel it because it's like a wave, a sensation of "ahhhh, I'm back!" like a battery zooming right up in charge... the problem is that I don't currently have many outlets, spaces or much of a social life thus navigating the world when needed can feel draining and awkward because I'm really jut out there, monitoring myself and my surroundings with my PTSD-mind telling me "don't be weird!! That person is staring! You're being weird! Look ahead!" and I feel really nervous and overthink everything. I tell people, if I need to get on a train to a bus or walk several blocks and transfer or whatever to get from A to B, I may just crash when I get to B because the journey was stressful and draining. I wanna make sure my life isn't such a constant pain or a drain - it's like I want more excitement and freedom to be me and navigate whatever whenever but I also want more of a sense of order and control of my own life and world to a bigger degree - it's about finding your zone, when you feel most like "you" and looking at what that means, how you got that feeling... etc. Because if you're like me, you've battled depression and felt chronically alienated and neglected - and that's the hardest part when you wanna grow that confidence and social prowess, you gotta find spaces to BE, to dwell and interact. That can be hard for those of us who have a limited social pool, or struggle with anxiety or depression. If you've felt depressed or just out-of-step for a while, you totally forget how it feels to be "tuned-in" to your optimal vibe.
When i was young i thought everyone was masking and that everyones parents are supposed to teach them how to act in public.
Yay the queen has posted!! Excited to watch this :)
You're the kindest 💛😭 Thank you so much for being here!
@@imautisticnowwhat Thank YOU for making this content 🫶🫶🫶
Hey Megan, I have an idea for a potential video you can do.
There’s a comedian, Brian Regan, who has a special “On the Rocks”. He’s not autistic, but there’s a lot of stuff in that special that autistic people would relate to (he talks about not being good in social situations, having specific foods he doesn’t like, and his process in realizing he has OCD).
I think it would be a great video if you had your husband watch the special and then pick out some choice moments he thinks you’d find enjoy the most.
Ooh, thank you for this! I'll note that down 😁
Regan is such a goofball. 😂 I love him. His dramatic performance in Loudermilk was also amazing!!!
13:48 Exaclty!!
I had the most invalidating experience with a now ex-friend of mine, where I talked about how difficult it was to putting so high pressure on yourself, always pushing yourself in academic life, being a perfectionist etc. My friend agreed, she felt "exactly" what I felt and said she understood perfectly. Eh, no...?
I had been very severely ill with anorexia due to my perfectionism, had severe self-harm behaviour and was suffering from debilitating depression, anxiety, social phobia etc. I had been inpatient in the psych wards for years, months at a time against my will, being so ill I needed tube feeding and stopped speaking for weeks. My friend on the other hand, was a normal girl who had been able to do school 100%, had good grades in uni and had never struggled with any mental disorders.
No, I don't think she understood "exactly" what I felt.
She had never risked her life for perfectionism, I did it every single day for 6 years. This conversation was the reason I broke contact with her. She didn't even understand she didn't understand...
Today at 36 yo, I'm still very ill and unable to work. She's probably successfully employed and have a family.
The inability to sit still has given me nightmare childhood experiences to were I can’t do a lot of stims around ppl, I would sigh a lot (why do you keep doing that! Stop! No one needs to take big breaths every few breaths!) any sort of arm, leg, neck, or face repetitive movements (stop moving! Stop! Why are you rocking?! Why do you do that! Stop moving! Just be still! Sit still! Sit still or will make you sit still!) so yea I now am too still (only when I am around ppl) and still get ppl ask why am I so stiff? are you even breathing? (All of my childhood I moved too much now I don’t move enough and it’s a problem, I took too many deep breaths and sighed them out, and now that I don’t it’s also a problem)
6:52 try not to ignore the need to wee it can have some really bad effects- I know it can be hard to sense with being autistic tho I get it, the way I figured my stuff out is I started checking in with myself every like 30 minutes (am I hungry? Thirsty? Need to restroom?) I had a timer until it because a built in habit
That first one was so sweet!!! I stim very big and often kind of loudly, I can’t really control most of my stims, it just kindnof happens. And my bf has never once tried to stop my stims or shamed me for any of them. The longer we dated the more I noticed he started to stim with me, not as big, but when I would be rocking back and forth with my whole body or wiggling around he’d start bouncing his head in rhythm with me. It was the cutest thing ever!!!! It makes me so happy when he does that even though he gets a little embarrassed if I point it out.
I still haven't gotten my results back of my possible autism diagnosis... I was just really excited realizing that listening to music is considered a stim. I stim but everyone does and I didn't know if it is enough to be considered ASD. I literally listen to music on UA-cam all the time. I don't know how many times I replay the same song each day, if not week, if not month, if not year. My favorite for so long was in the movie Secretariat. In the past year it has been higher love. The repeat I do on my music would probably drive most anyone to death. I love it though!
I just busted out laughing when you said you smelled the books pages cuz I did that too! 🤣
I still like to smell book pages.
I adore the bucket of woe analogy.
I’m late 40s and still trying to get diagnosed. It’s kind of irrelevant because I know I have it even if I don’t have the bit of paperwork to say I’m neurodivergent.
But I would like to know what specific things it is that I do that push people away. It’s curiosity really. I’ve decided over the last few years to give up bothering with attempting to please others. It got me nowhere in life so I might as well live the rest of it pleasing myself as no one wants to spend time with me anyway. Unless whatever I’m doing to push people away that is so offensive was something really easy to change then I don’t think I’d be able to change. And of course, there’s also that every one I do know has never told me what I’m doing wrong to make everyone hate me so much…..which makes me automatically suspicious of everyone. It’s like the world has a big secret……. Social behaviour. Total mystery! I promise I wash and everything!
in regards to stimming in public, i remember once when a friend and i were on our way home from a camping trip passing thru Dallas and decided to stop and check out the farmers market. i had failed to consider that, being Dallas, it was this massive indoor/outdoor affair with hundreds of vendors and shops and probably thousands of people spread over a few blocks of downtown. as soon as we got there i felt my chest tighten and my friend noticed my breathing get all labored and shaky. she asked if i was gonna be ok to which i simply replied, "i dont have my ring." (talking about my engagement ring id left at home cuz i didnt wanna lose it camping. twisting it is my go-to stim when im anxious in public) without skipping a beat, she dug thru her purse and handed me a quarter. i held it close to my chest and flipped it w my thumb and index finger as rapidly as i could and it was honestly surprising even to me how much it helped me relax. i flipped that quarter the whole time we were there and tho i still got drained very quickly and got some strange looks, w/o that stim i would have had a meltdown/shutdown for sure. this was before i had ever considered that i might be autistic and even tho neither of us had the language to know that i was in a state of sensory overwhelm and needed to stim, the result was profound and im very grateful to her. flipping a coin seemed much more overt than twisting my ring but tbh, it was also more effective. 🪙
This video covers so many great things and topics (I genuinely had no idea why I'm so utterly useless and on a hair trigger for almost two weeks before/during my period; I thought I must just be lazy or at fault some other way, but the concept of the Bucket of Woe just automatically being full upon waking up leading up to/during my period Explains So Very Much and Makes So Much Sense), and I promise I paid attention to every bit of the video, but I feel compelled to say that the little walrus-costumed penguin not-Squishmallow in the chair in the background kinda made my morning when I spotted him and I don't know why, but thank you for giving him a comfy spot to oversee your recording and delight this particular viewer.
Oh my goodness I relate so much to when you said "I've been lying to you I'm this whole other person." because I literally told that to myself so I keep my mask on around those people that have known me for longer than others, but family I do try to show more of my say autistic traits and even that's hard with my other 6 siblings because they literally have known me all their lives and judge me hard and put me down for being "stupid" or "weird" and they kinda just yell at me to stop doing those things and they probably aren't yelling it just comes to be that way to me in their tone and the words they say. Also the bucket of woe I have been trying to explain that to people for so long and for now on I'm just going to show them that video and hopefully they'll understand at least that part of me.
To answer the question on the last tiktok it looks like the dinosaur is Reptar from Rugrats 😄
Ahh, thank you!!
I am very disconnected from my feelings and from my body, and don’t have meltdowns in an easily (to me) traceable way. Mostly, I just become so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open. If not that, then I get very inwardly irritable, restless and pessimistic, and can’t focus. (I still have trouble distinguishing when this is due to overwhelm vs ADHD lack of focus.) Both things can happen hours after the thing that triggered them, and I frequently only know I may be melting down because the intensity of my tiredness or negativity is WAY out of proportion to what is currently going on, or comes entirely out of the blue.
Your reaction to seeing other people stim was something I really identified with. I felt the same when watching that TikTok, like there was this deep, pervasive sense of wrongess, that they shouldn't be doing that in front of each other or posting it online because no one is supposed to see that. I always saw other Autistic people who would stim and would think to myself that they're not trying hard enough to blend in, that clearly their parents andothers in their life had failed them and babied them by not stressing the importance of acting normal. Normal = safe, and I saw stimming as something that could attract negative attention, and that would leave the person vulnerable. I see my reasoning from back then, and of course, I realize now that my assumptions were very flawed and skewed, that it's okay to be your authentic, Autistic self in front of people, especially those you're close to, but those feelings still linger. My immediate reaction to stimming is that it shouldn't be done in front of others, even fully knowing that it's okay.
The stimming discussion has confused me a bit as a not-yet-diagnosed-with-anything person 😂 I am basically always stimming but in small ways that are usually not that noticeable. I don't find big movements like flapping or rocking enjoyable as they exacerbate my joint pain from hypermobility, but I occasionally do them if really stressed (I was told to stop flapping my hands when upset as it made me look autistic 🙄🙄).
I wouldn't say I find any stimming to be particularly enjoyable, exciting or euphoric though? It's more calming and regulating. I don't know what that says about me. As always I feel like I'm in the strange realm of not fitting any category properly 😆
Nothing you said sounds like you wouldn’t fit into the autism category. I don’t think most people find stimming exhilarating. It is usually done to self-regulate.
Yeah, for me ITS more Something that Happens when I am euphoric then causeing euphoria or plain selfregulating but dont forget that autism is a multi dimensional spectrum and everyone experiences stuff differently!
Funnily enough, years of passively relearning my quirks has let me get a sense of my limits, when my bucket gets full, my head literally feels full
I don't know if I'm autistic (I have a really strong suspicion that I am, but I don't want to self-diagnose) but that bucket and shelf thing just described my whole life. I don't understand how other people can take so much stress and I feel like a failure for not being able to handle it. I also had to drop out of college despite being extremely intelligent. That brings me so much shame and guilt. But after watching videos from this channel I feel like this might be the answer for me and could possibly lead to some healing. Hearing that you also didn't make it through a traditional college experience brings me some comfort. Thank you so much for this channel and sharing your own stories. It has given me some confidence to try to find a place to evaluate me. (Last time I tried, almost no one in my entire state would evaluate adults and most did not take my insurance. I ended up getting yelled at by one of the doctors over the phone so I stopped looking.)
every single video of yours i watch i find myself saying “yeah”… “oh my god yes” CONSTANTLY. i’m taking notes down of the things and phrases i relate to and examples from my childhood up to recently. i’ve been thinking about seeking a diagnoses for years but i’m scared and it’s expensive. thank you for being here. it’s made me feel so much less alone and like i’m not crazy.
The bucket of woes metaphor is so helpful, I wish I could share it with my managers so they can understand what I'm dealing with at work.
i started to cry and laugh at the same time when I saw that huge orange neurotypical bucket. I wish I knew what was going on when I was younger. Live was hard enough, but the self hate was the worst.
I was diagnosed with ME and for the first ten years it was “bucket of woe” overflowing mode…….incapable and non functional for much of the time. No idea when my bucket was about to overflow. Ten years in, I went to bed at 11am one morning. This was the breakthrough……….
…..however, now I’m in this conversation thanks to you, Meg, I’m reframing the entire experience in this oh so helpful new way…..
Somebody probably already said this (I couldn't find any comments after a quick scan on my phone), but that dinosaur was called Reptar from the Rugrats Nickelodeon TV show. It's adorable.
Great content! TYVM ❤
I have PMDD and I'm in college and ISTG somehow tests ALWAYS fall during ✨The Bad Times✨ no matter what class and what semester LOL
I liked the first one. There was one stim they did together that my sister and I do. She has ADHD and stimming helps her release some of that energy and I have autism. Sometimes when we have too much energy in the evenings, we hold each other’s arms facing each other and rock back and forth on my bed. Sometimes we make it a game and I lower her down to grab specific stuffed animals on my floor. Even with me being 18 and her being 16, we do it when we want to. I often feel ashamed of my stimming in front of her, but times like that feel so freeing.
Autistic Burnout is horrible- I experienced it a couple of years ago because of my job at the time. I haven’t been the same since. It took me over a year to get to the point where I could function again, but I hope I continue to heal so I start to feel more like myself again.
7:21 bucket example is great, it really helps understand things more simply.
11:10 how I currently feel.
15:33 The whole thing is really relatable, I feel like a have a tiny cup rather than any bucket
6:27 I just went through a similar situation the day before yesterday after a plane ride. I’d been visiting my cousin and I put off going home for several days because my anxiety was so overwhelming that the idea of going to the airport, going through security, sitting on a plane for 2 hours, etc. just sounded like the worse thing in the world (I’m also physically disabled, so I just dislike air travel in general because it’s extra tedious for me). Eventually, I couldn’t put it off any longer and just had to suck it up and push through, but by the time I got home I immediately collapsed in bed. I spent all day yesterday recovering (thankfully it’s a weekend) and honestly still feel a little off.
It is so good that we're all learning from one another. I feel very understood here.