What I hate the most is when someone comes in and asks me to do something JUST as I'm getting ready to do it and it knocks the wind right out of me because I actually WANTED to do the thing and now I can't.
YES!!!! I had this with my mother so much when I was a teenager and it felt as she was looking for a possibility to yell at me. I hated the most that it felt like said I was a lyer when I was not, so unfair! Still can´t deal with it. The people who like to tell You what to do and make You feel like an idiot then are not nice people, they have this arrogant attitude, want to be over You. I think that is what is triggering me so much that i can´t do things i really love to do and just started. If a nice person would come in she would laugh and say "Oh, I wanted You to do xyz/wanted to remember You to do..., but I see You are just doing it, great:", smile and leave. That would be fine. Edit: I don´t think I have that PDA in general, but this think is terribly annoying.
You are by far my favorite autistic content creator! I find you so relatable. My husband and I are both AuDHD and PDA is a pretty common response in our household. We’ve learned ways over more than 20 years together to accommodate one another and are still learning. Thanks for the deep dive!
You made my night! Thank you so much! I think like you said, PDA will be an ongoing adventure to accomodate. As soon as one thing works for a while, brain will say, nope not anymore! And then we got to pivot to a new accomodation, all the while Allistic totally not getting it.
Unsolicited advice is -a huge- an _enormous_ trigger for me. “You should” statements will bring out the fight or flight in me; the latter usually manifests as passive resistance. Regarding jobs, I avoid the kind wherein people would expect me to drop what I’m doing and shift to something that must be done “yesterday.” (A lot of office work is like that.)
I could do an entire video about unsolicited advice. Actually, that was my original plan, but then I had people asking for more on how I work with my PDA brain. But maybe that'll be the next video! It's an enormous trigger for me too! Thanks for dropping a comment on work stuff!
This is the sweetest most soul igniting post, you're such an incredible friend, and the kind of empathy that needs to evolve into an airborne, highly contagious psychiatric pandemic 🍭🪐🫶✌️🌈
Thank you! It's made a difference. For instance, I forgot to add in the video, sometimes the idea of cooking feels like a demand because I just don't want to touch raw chicken. So I make myself pull out cooking gloves and it makes it slightly better.
Yes that is helpful. Actually I accidentally found the thing about laundry that triggered me. Putting clothes in drawers. Now I hang all my tops. I have open cubby shelves for pants and pajamas. I use a laundry basket for socks bras and underwear. My next step was set my timer when I put laundry in the wash then only sit and watch short UA-cam videos so when the timer goes off, I’m not so engrossed in anything and I can get up and move to dryer then back to short, sometimes silly random videos. Timer goes off when dryer is done and I go get clothes right away and I can put them away because I’m not putting them in drawers. It’s weird huh? I haven’t figured out how to regularly do other cleaning though. As far as work goes, I mask heavily to get through the demands. I think it tires me out so much that I have no energy for hobbies or special interests.
@@i.am.mindblind Thank you so much! I'm here right now and it feels like torture, waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for those demands. And wondering how I'm going to have the strength to keep calm and composed, at least relatively so.
Thank you for having the courage to film your video in your comfy clothes. Letting yourself off the hook when you're just going to be at home models a good habit and serves as a tool to help us give ourselves that permission too. Plus, I would suppose the bulk of your audience is neurodivergent & we're into genuine and don't find much value in facades/masks from others anyway. Hope you have a great day! Thanks for your content!
@@i.am.mindblind I love ironing to! And listen to podcast or watch something too while doing it, like my mother did in front of the TV in the living room. So I collect a basket and then iron all and I love the result. In general I love to do laundry. It´s so easy to just start a machine to me and have the feeling of "did a task, yeahy" and then i can relax again. Putting it on the lines to dry also doesn´t need that long and as I love to order things to put them in a special order satisfies me. All perfectly parallel and sorted on the lines...😆 Folding is not the most liked part when it comes to things that are not easy to be "perfect", but things like socks that I can put in that perfect , parallel, exact and only correct way I love, also see the tidy result, very satisfying. Also it is a very clean housework, other then to clean the toilet which will always feel gross to me, even I moved out with 17, am 48 now and always had to do and did. I have to shower after it and brush my nails, feels like germs are uncontrollable over me if I touched the toilet to clean. Which makes no sense, as its the same toilet I use before and after. And I am not a person being worried of germs like Mr. Monk (Who I really love!) in general. And I really hate vaccuming and more wet cleaning the floor. To many steps, huge job and it will get dirty again so quick, feels like a sysiphos job. I need the feeling of "ahh, I like the result and can enjoy it for a while". The result has to last for longer then the time You needed to do it. That´s why cooking is often so frustrating, the outcome seems to be so small related to the effort to put in.
I’m glad this works for you. I did this once for the dentist and when I went to the office for my appointment they told me most people make their appointment online then call to confirm. 🙄
Amanda, Don't you Dare make more PDA Videos! 😉😘🤭 JK! I absolutely mean that I'd be thrilled to see more any time you feel like making them & so excited to watch this one! 🥰I'm very passionate about the topic & am so grateful it's trending! [BTW I haven't watched the video yet!] I just started changing my reminder app (ticktick, heard about it from an adhder in yt comments, it is quite good!) to tell me "not" to do things! Just started, but I'm pretty sure its going to work very well! Got the tip to have things tell you "Don't do.....xyz" from ADHD Chatter. For real though, PDA is very likely my 'worst' or 'most debilitating' quality as a high masking nuerodivergent.... RSD gets pretty awful too, but I think pda causes a bit more of a 'financial ruin' kind of situation that causes our external world to suffer, however RSD causes some pretty serious internal suffering that can be equally ruinous in our relationships & thus outer world, too... Guess that's actually a tough call as to which has the greater negative impact on our lives!😮💨😏
Haha. Funny you wrote this before watching, because I open with PDA is I think the most disabling part of being Autistic, for those of us with PDA brains. Although you're right, RSD is right up there.
Oof. My partner was a serial job hopper. He would quit when things felt to demanding and start over. PDA is such a real issue! I fight with myself all the time about doing things I want to.
@i.am.mindblind he really did too! His longest job was working in framing with some guys who were happy he showed up eventually and wasn't drunk or stoned. Lol Also I cut my hair off a couple years ago after a lifetime of long hair and I'm never going back!
2:25 I get the intent of the word pathological, but somehow my brain always has a follow-up word for the word pathological and that is liar. Having my feelings being undermined and being labeled overreactive... I hate that... and i think that's why I hate the word pathological despite kinda getting where that word is coming from ;_;
Haha, that's true, I more "sort" laundry than fold it. I've been doing that for so long I forgot to specify my "folding" isn't really folding. I hang the majority of our clothes and the rest goes in baskets or a couple of drawers.
I am the extrem opposite, but I just LOVE to have them in a perfect order, the staple in an accurate line, going from each colour dark to light and different materials, awww... But noone ever forced me to do it. I couldn´t stand to see if things ly on the floor or just smashed into a cupboard, it would feel like itching, like a bunch of bugs walking over my body, but at the same time I know that is a me thing and there is no law people have to do it that way. But I would ask if I am allowed to order it🤣🤣🤣
I still think I don´t have PDA, although I relate to some mentioned things. But I guess it´s like when people say "we are all a little bit autistic", NO THEY ARE NOT, and just to relate to some points is not the full picture. My biggest problems are more ADHD things, at first time blindness!!!! Then I hate to talk to much and not be able to stop, feels so cringe and what is disabling next to time blindness which makes me come late whatever i try too often is this not to be able to get started with a task, even if You can´t enjoy Your life until You don´t do. I feel miserable for days, sometimes weeks, months for the unability to start something that maybe needs hours. And can have really hard consequences for my life. Makes me want to die sometimes, so miserable. And I have no idea what to do about with nearly 50 yo. Which really helps is a body double, but unfortunatly I have no family and nearly no friends. Noone I see every month, sometimes after years not living in the same city and it needs to be a real person in the same room.
My make up is totally tied to my self-esteem 🥺 I feel like I do need make up… Wish I didn’t feel that way. …I have ADHD and yeah low self-esteem😕 when I was younger I wouldn’t even go out of the house without full make up so believe it or not , I’ve made a lot of progress lol I’m almost 60 now…
And I feel like the pathological demand avoidance thing is also an ADHD thing! I have this one Neuro typical Friend, she’ll just say something basic like “get some rest…”When I know I have a lot to do (because it takes me forever to get things ) and I won’t have time to rest…. And I’m like no! (because I know I won’t have time to get rest…) I don’t say that to her though 😉 also I find that I get annoyed a lot because I’ll just be talking to her over chat just telling her what’s going on and she always feels the need to get suggestions like she needs to solve my problems and I’m not asking for any suggestions I’m just chatting/venting 🙄
This isn't just an autism/adhd thing. It's very common in many other disorders including complex PTSD and many personality disorders (though imho all PDs are caused by cptsd.) Please see a psychologist, not a therapist or psychiatrist, to get an accurate diagnosis. If possible see 3 different ones and get varied perspectives.
@i.am.mindblind awesome 😎 I know this kind of content is really popular so I try to make sure to say something for all those trying to self diagnose and point out not everything that looks like autism from the outside is. Lay people constantly tried to push it on my kid and it made it harder to get the help she needed instead of the help they thought she needed.
I do support self diagnosis for Autism. I only got diagnosed because I started researching it. I realized I was Autistic. I got evaluated by a psychologist. No teacher, doctor, or anyone else realized I was until I figured it out myself. Many people don't have the money an evaluation can cost. It's often $500-2000 dollars. Some people live in places where the nearest evaluator is hours away. It's not accessible in the US to get a professional evaluation for many adults.
What I hate the most is when someone comes in and asks me to do something JUST as I'm getting ready to do it and it knocks the wind right out of me because I actually WANTED to do the thing and now I can't.
Perfect summary of PDA. It legit sucks. 😩
YES!!!! I had this with my mother so much when I was a teenager and it felt as she was looking for a possibility to yell at me. I hated the most that it felt like said I was a lyer when I was not, so unfair! Still can´t deal with it. The people who like to tell You what to do and make You feel like an idiot then are not nice people, they have this arrogant attitude, want to be over You. I think that is what is triggering me so much that i can´t do things i really love to do and just started. If a nice person would come in she would laugh and say "Oh, I wanted You to do xyz/wanted to remember You to do..., but I see You are just doing it, great:", smile and leave. That would be fine.
Edit: I don´t think I have that PDA in general, but this think is terribly annoying.
You are by far my favorite autistic content creator! I find you so relatable. My husband and I are both AuDHD and PDA is a pretty common response in our household. We’ve learned ways over more than 20 years together to accommodate one another and are still learning. Thanks for the deep dive!
You made my night! Thank you so much! I think like you said, PDA will be an ongoing adventure to accomodate. As soon as one thing works for a while, brain will say, nope not anymore! And then we got to pivot to a new accomodation, all the while Allistic totally not getting it.
Unsolicited advice is -a huge- an _enormous_ trigger for me. “You should” statements will bring out the fight or flight in me; the latter usually manifests as passive resistance.
Regarding jobs, I avoid the kind wherein people would expect me to drop what I’m doing and shift to something that must be done “yesterday.” (A lot of office work is like that.)
I could do an entire video about unsolicited advice. Actually, that was my original plan, but then I had people asking for more on how I work with my PDA brain. But maybe that'll be the next video! It's an enormous trigger for me too!
Thanks for dropping a comment on work stuff!
PDA more like Please Don't Ask😤
(i get to it _when i get to it_ 😎)
Love this!
Thanks for your incite, I have been helping a friend, who has PDA, clean her condo a bit of a time over a year... We are making progress....
That's so kind of you! PDA and clutter/mess can be sooo hard.
This is the sweetest most soul igniting post, you're such an incredible friend, and the kind of empathy that needs to evolve into an airborne, highly contagious psychiatric pandemic 🍭🪐🫶✌️🌈
Awesome video Amanda; I Loooove how you descride the importance of pinpointing the source of the demand; very useful! 🙂
Thank you! It's made a difference. For instance, I forgot to add in the video, sometimes the idea of cooking feels like a demand because I just don't want to touch raw chicken. So I make myself pull out cooking gloves and it makes it slightly better.
@ oooo I Love it 🥰 accommodations are so important..I love understanding the why’s!
Yes that is helpful. Actually I accidentally found the thing about laundry that triggered me. Putting clothes in drawers. Now I hang all my tops. I have open cubby shelves for pants and pajamas. I use a laundry basket for socks bras and underwear. My next step was set my timer when I put laundry in the wash then only sit and watch short UA-cam videos so when the timer goes off, I’m not so engrossed in anything and I can get up and move to dryer then back to short, sometimes silly random videos. Timer goes off when dryer is done and I go get clothes right away and I can put them away because I’m not putting them in drawers. It’s weird huh? I haven’t figured out how to regularly do other cleaning though. As far as work goes, I mask heavily to get through the demands. I think it tires me out so much that I have no energy for hobbies or special interests.
I'm autistic, I have meltdowns. I struggle to convince people that I dont choose my meltdowns.
Autistic is a reason indeed.
Yeah my job is the absolute worst in regards to PDA. It's often a struggle and challenge to survive everyday.
I can only imagine. I'm sorry 😔 I wish more people understood PDA
@@i.am.mindblind Thank you so much! I'm here right now and it feels like torture, waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for those demands. And wondering how I'm going to have the strength to keep calm and composed, at least relatively so.
Thank you very much Amanda for sharing your real life experiences. This helps me to explain pda in occupational therapie to find workarounds😊
I'm glad it helped! ❤️
Thank you for having the courage to film your video in your comfy clothes. Letting yourself off the hook when you're just going to be at home models a good habit and serves as a tool to help us give ourselves that permission too. Plus, I would suppose the bulk of your audience is neurodivergent & we're into genuine and don't find much value in facades/masks from others anyway. Hope you have a great day! Thanks for your content!
Hear you on all counts, Amanda. Thank you.
Appreciate you watching and listening. ❤️
Thank you very much, Amanda. I found this video very helpful.
I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you for letting me know. 🌸🌸🌸
Its great your kids do laundry, I started when I was 13 and I enjoy it...
Some people really do! My grandma used to find ironing very relaxing while she watched her soap operas.
@@i.am.mindblind I love ironing to! And listen to podcast or watch something too while doing it, like my mother did in front of the TV in the living room. So I collect a basket and then iron all and I love the result. In general I love to do laundry. It´s so easy to just start a machine to me and have the feeling of "did a task, yeahy" and then i can relax again. Putting it on the lines to dry also doesn´t need that long and as I love to order things to put them in a special order satisfies me. All perfectly parallel and sorted on the lines...😆 Folding is not the most liked part when it comes to things that are not easy to be "perfect", but things like socks that I can put in that perfect , parallel, exact and only correct way I love, also see the tidy result, very satisfying.
Also it is a very clean housework, other then to clean the toilet which will always feel gross to me, even I moved out with 17, am 48 now and always had to do and did. I have to shower after it and brush my nails, feels like germs are uncontrollable over me if I touched the toilet to clean. Which makes no sense, as its the same toilet I use before and after. And I am not a person being worried of germs like Mr. Monk (Who I really love!) in general. And I really hate vaccuming and more wet cleaning the floor. To many steps, huge job and it will get dirty again so quick, feels like a sysiphos job. I need the feeling of "ahh, I like the result and can enjoy it for a while". The result has to last for longer then the time You needed to do it. That´s why cooking is often so frustrating, the outcome seems to be so small related to the effort to put in.
For making doctor's appointments, I have been completing it online after hours. My local doctor's office has an online portal I use.
I’m glad this works for you. I did this once for the dentist and when I went to the office for my appointment they told me most people make their appointment online then call to confirm. 🙄
Amanda, Don't you Dare make more PDA Videos!
😉😘🤭
JK!
I absolutely mean that I'd be thrilled to see more any time you feel like making them & so excited to watch this one! 🥰I'm very passionate about the topic & am so grateful it's trending!
[BTW I haven't watched the video yet!]
I just started changing my reminder app (ticktick, heard about it from an adhder in yt comments, it is quite good!) to tell me "not" to do things! Just started, but I'm pretty sure its going to work very well! Got the tip to have things tell you "Don't do.....xyz" from ADHD Chatter.
For real though, PDA is very likely my 'worst' or 'most debilitating' quality as a high masking nuerodivergent.... RSD gets pretty awful too, but I think pda causes a bit more of a 'financial ruin' kind of situation that causes our external world to suffer, however RSD causes some pretty serious internal suffering that can be equally ruinous in our relationships & thus outer world, too...
Guess that's actually a tough call as to which has the greater negative impact on our lives!😮💨😏
Haha. Funny you wrote this before watching, because I open with PDA is I think the most disabling part of being Autistic, for those of us with PDA brains. Although you're right, RSD is right up there.
Hihi, i loved to read Your comment😅.
You have helped so much!! Thank you!!
Oof. My partner was a serial job hopper. He would quit when things felt to demanding and start over. PDA is such a real issue! I fight with myself all the time about doing things I want to.
I wish I had known was driving my job hoping when I was younger. I always felt like a failure
@i.am.mindblind he really did too! His longest job was working in framing with some guys who were happy he showed up eventually and wasn't drunk or stoned. Lol
Also I cut my hair off a couple years ago after a lifetime of long hair and I'm never going back!
thx for the microfibre mention, I have skin that dries very slowly after shower and I just hate it
2:25 I get the intent of the word pathological, but somehow my brain always has a follow-up word for the word pathological and that is liar. Having my feelings being undermined and being labeled overreactive... I hate that... and i think that's why I hate the word pathological despite kinda getting where that word is coming from ;_;
Word associations can be hard to break.
Folding? What's that? 😄 I hang clothes up or I stuff them in a drawer. No ironing, either! I've got things to do that are far more interesting to me.
Haha, that's true, I more "sort" laundry than fold it. I've been doing that for so long I forgot to specify my "folding" isn't really folding. I hang the majority of our clothes and the rest goes in baskets or a couple of drawers.
I am the extrem opposite, but I just LOVE to have them in a perfect order, the staple in an accurate line, going from each colour dark to light and different materials, awww... But noone ever forced me to do it.
I couldn´t stand to see if things ly on the floor or just smashed into a cupboard, it would feel like itching, like a bunch of bugs walking over my body, but at the same time I know that is a me thing and there is no law people have to do it that way. But I would ask if I am allowed to order it🤣🤣🤣
I still think I don´t have PDA, although I relate to some mentioned things. But I guess it´s like when people say "we are all a little bit autistic", NO THEY ARE NOT, and just to relate to some points is not the full picture. My biggest problems are more ADHD things, at first time blindness!!!! Then I hate to talk to much and not be able to stop, feels so cringe and what is disabling next to time blindness which makes me come late whatever i try too often is this not to be able to get started with a task, even if You can´t enjoy Your life until You don´t do. I feel miserable for days, sometimes weeks, months for the unability to start something that maybe needs hours. And can have really hard consequences for my life. Makes me want to die sometimes, so miserable. And I have no idea what to do about with nearly 50 yo. Which really helps is a body double, but unfortunatly I have no family and nearly no friends. Noone I see every month, sometimes after years not living in the same city and it needs to be a real person in the same room.
My make up is totally tied to my self-esteem 🥺 I feel like I do need make up… Wish I didn’t feel that way. …I have ADHD and yeah low self-esteem😕 when I was younger I wouldn’t even go out of the house without full make up so believe it or not , I’ve made a lot of progress lol I’m almost 60 now…
And I feel like the pathological demand avoidance thing is also an ADHD thing! I have this one Neuro typical Friend, she’ll just say something basic like “get some rest…”When I know I have a lot to do (because it takes me forever to get things ) and I won’t have time to rest…. And I’m like no! (because I know I won’t have time to get rest…) I don’t say that to her though 😉 also I find that I get annoyed a lot because I’ll just be talking to her over chat just telling her what’s going on and she always feels the need to get suggestions like she needs to solve my problems and I’m not asking for any suggestions I’m just chatting/venting 🙄
Bro can you call my mom and explain this to her she fails to realize her constantly tElling ME to do something MAKES ME FORGET IT AND NOT WANT TO
Feel free to send her my videos! 😅 But yeah, I get it. My kids are both PDA so I have to work with their brains to get stuff done.
This isn't just an autism/adhd thing. It's very common in many other disorders including complex PTSD and many personality disorders (though imho all PDs are caused by cptsd.) Please see a psychologist, not a therapist or psychiatrist, to get an accurate diagnosis. If possible see 3 different ones and get varied perspectives.
I was diagnosed by a psychologist.
@i.am.mindblind awesome 😎 I know this kind of content is really popular so I try to make sure to say something for all those trying to self diagnose and point out not everything that looks like autism from the outside is. Lay people constantly tried to push it on my kid and it made it harder to get the help she needed instead of the help they thought she needed.
I do support self diagnosis for Autism. I only got diagnosed because I started researching it. I realized I was Autistic. I got evaluated by a psychologist. No teacher, doctor, or anyone else realized I was until I figured it out myself. Many people don't have the money an evaluation can cost. It's often $500-2000 dollars. Some people live in places where the nearest evaluator is hours away. It's not accessible in the US to get a professional evaluation for many adults.